Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Medium to low level shaggers

Episode Date: January 16, 2026

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie discuss the highs and lows of silly string, Rosie's fake tan and the politics of Christmas money! For the first time EVER Chris and Rosie listen to your voice notes and smas and das, you did not disappoint! We also have some questions from the public which include one of the most anti-social sex habits ever...  If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 Enjoy all these episodes on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed⁠ Today, get Huel’s full Lite & Lean Starter Kit online with our code SMA30 for 30% off at https://huel.com/SMA30. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shagmire D'Oid. We talk tan. I love a tan. She's got her tan on right now. I got my tan on. Whole episode with tan on. She's bloody glowing. She's bronzed.

She's beautiful. She's brilliant. We talk about the kids' Christmas money. And lack of. And I think Robin's going to be on the pinch. Just saying it. Yeah. Yeah.

Call the police. We dive into the brand new section. The WhatsApp voice notes from you wonderful people and they have not disappointed. I'm already loving it. Amazing. We also hear from one of the strangest sex habits ever.

I love it. It's left me a little bit upset. Enjoy. Hello, you're listening and watching, if you're on YouTube, Shagranoid, with me, Rosie, and my husband, Christopher. Hello, hello, hello. And if you're watching on YouTube, you,

I mean, it looks like Rosie just being on holiday. She hasn't. No. She hasn't. She's got a tan on. Fake tan. But you still look lovely. You look radiant.

So what happens? You're such a ass kisser. Brilliant. Say what happens in trying of your wife a compliment single people listening, this is your future. So what happens? Because we just said, you said we need to start now because you need to quickly go and wash this off.

So I don't understand. What do you mean? I don't understand. So you've put the tan on, but then you're going to wash the tan off. Yes. What's happening? It's currently, it's developing as we speak.

Oh, like a Polaroid picture? Like a Polaroid picture? This is the fast tan. Oh my God. Would you shut up? Sorry. I'm due on. Okay.

Sorry. So this is the fast tan. This is the fast tan. This is the fast hand because I got sick of having to constantly like clean the bedding and I think it was ruining my bed because it was just overnight.

It looked like Patrick Swayze and Demi were from Ghost had just jumped straight in our bed straight after the pottery scene. Yes. Yeah, it did. Not even a rinse off. Yeah. It looked like they hadn't even tried. Well, and the mattress, right?

It's embarrassing because when you change your bed, the mattress is like, just looks like piss stains everywhere. But it's not, it's just sweat. It's tan. stains. It is tan. Right, so you've

sweated tan into the mattress I think so so it's like brown patches it's just disgusting It looks like it's where

we keep our lifetime supply of Wattsets yeah it's not good so anyway fast tan two to three hours

That's fast is it is it is what goodness me but what I was just I've just explained on my Instagram

yeah it's like this podcast used to be such a good time to do it yeah because I'm just

still for like a few hours whereas when on a night time when the kids are home or whatever, I'm doing dishes. There's always water involved.

There's always water involved. When you've got the tan on and you can't do things involving water, I get irritated. I know. What was it you made us do? Something like I had to get your boiled egg out of the ice water because you couldn't touch it.

Because you had your tan. You can't wash your hands if you do for a wee. No, not at all. It's fine. No, you are a bit. I couldn't live with that. You should put tan on. No.

Well, I think I've told everyone what happened when I did strictly. You look the best you've looked though. It makes you just look better. Yeah. But I don't know, I don't like, look at me, hands, my hands are literally cracking. I can't even put cream on my hands. I can put moisturise on my face,

because I don't really touch my face that much, because of COVID. You have got very dry, callous. Horrible, on. For a man who's never actually worked a day in his life. Oh, my God, you do not have a laboring job or anything. That's just from bathing. When I'm shown the inspecting me tickets on the train,

they must think I'm a fucking bricklayer or something, if they don't look at my face. Look at the state of these hands. My kev's got, like, full on, like, calluses on his hands. Shaking your kev's hands. That's awful. round at Christmas, it's like hugging a fucking cactus. It's the worst.

It's like a brick. It's like touching a brick. Anyway, when I did strictly, one of the nights, they were like, are you going to get all the spray tan? And I was like, yeah, they're going to spray tan. Every year they make a big thing of people who don't get spray tan is getting spray tan. It's funny. It's entertaining. Okay. They put it all on us. I'm sure I've said this before. I'll tell you anyway. They put it all on us. And then they went, by the way,

you can't. And then they gave us a list of shit I couldn't do. And I was like, what, then we're like, yeah, you got to just leave it on. Don't like touch any way on your body or it'll make. it you can't put a watch on you can't do this you can't do that sleeping slack pajamas didn't have them with us i went what happens if i go in a sauna because i was planning on doing that the night they went it all come straight off i went no problem i went straight in the sauna came straight off i mean it looked like a man had melted you you went into a sauna with fake tan on to get it off immediate but what about everybody was it a public sauna yes well what the fuck well they got you know

they breathed in some tan i don't know what to say well what did it did it come oh my god it looked like a I was like, will it wash off though? Like, yes, so I was like, right, so washed sauna, all of that swim. What made you go in a tan with? Why didn't you wash it off first and then go in the sauna? You're ill. I think I went in the swimming pool. I just basically, I'll tell you what, my idea was to go in the swimming pool that night.

Yeah. Do you know how much comes off in water? Listen, not my pool, not my problem. You're the reason chlorine was invented. No, that's because of how much I piss in the pool. That's vile. Nothing to do with me tan. Oh, but anyway, can I just say it?

You look fantastic, you look lovely, but I am a little bit annoyed. What do you want? But no, no, I'm t-in-it up. I am a little bit annoyed that I had my brand-new jumper on and you came downstairs, tanned up in a howie t-shirt. Howie do? Yeah, and said, why do you look so smart, go and put a t-shirt on? So I'm in a T-shirt as well.

Men can't do that. What do you mean? I think men can't do that to a woman. A woman puts her thing on, and I'll come down and go, whoa, I'm casual to do you got that dress on for? Go and put her fucking nightie on. Are you trying to impress? You say this, but I can guarantee there's dead.

Definitely men who do do that. The whole men can't do this. Okay, well, I can't do that. Okay, I would not appreciate that. But there is men who talk to women like that. And I hate them. And I, do I hate them as well? You hate them as well.

And you should call them out. Yeah. When you're in a social circle. I'm not calling, I can't be bothered with any of this. Don't expect me to call people out on stuff. Listen, I'm, listen. You do. You are a caller out of? I am a caller out of actually.

I'm surprised you're going to meet today. Not many, I'll be honest, going down by the day. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for watching if you're watching on YouTube. And please subscribe. We're flying up them subscribers. Oh, we're going to get that.

I'm going to soon get that YouTube 100,000 player button. How many we've got now? We're not. 50 in a bit. 50 and a bit. I'm going to have a lot more than we had before. It's 50 odd thousand. I'm going to get that YouTube 100 subscriber play button

and I'm going to hold it over our son, Robin's head forever. Okay. So yes, please continue to do. do all of that liking and rating and rating subscribing what we got come on

Oh 53,800 subscribers Over halfway there! That's nice That's nice Come on Dicka,

Dicka, down with the kids Now Do you know what's upsetting That picture of us I've changed my hair parton since that photo shoot But that was expensive

that photo photos shoots are really expensive Horrible And I've changed my hair parting Not long after that Just get chat

Cheaportin to put a different one on you You're literally go to Toppy, JPT, change me hair parting on that and it'll do it. Oh my God, I'm going to. Brilliant. So, without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. And this week's sponsor is something I'd completely forgot about until you took Robin to the shops to spend some of his Christmas one of the year day and he came back with some.

And I was fuming. This week's sponsor is Silly String. Oh. Hey, silly string. 15 seconds of fun. Literally fucking. Days of cleaning. Days.

Did it know. Days. I found some... Two weeks ago we got that. I found some yesterday. Okay, but that core memory of when you... And you joined in, that core memory... You press it once, it's gone.

That call... Let me... Are you on speed? Always. Can I finish me sentence? Yes. Although, even though I do interrupt you a lot as well. So much.

But I'm sorry. I'm so due on. I'm really due on. I'm really sorry. I'm apologising in advance. And I think I'm... very menopausal. I'm fucked. Anything else you want?

Oh God, honestly. And the bane made chocolate cornflake cakes. I had... Ask us how many I had last night? Don't, man. Ask us how many? You don't even do this to yourself. Ask us how many? Right, this is a safe space. How many did you have last night?

Six. I was not! I was not expecting six. Six is madness. I had six. Six chocolate cornflake cakes. You've got to imagine, they both made them. So there was two of them.

So there's still a couple of left. I had six. Yeah, I'd want just before we came over here. Seven. And I'll have a bottle of wine. Well, it's not about me. I'm sorry. You're all interrupting is, but I also interrupt you.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm due on. Listen. What were we talking about? What are we talking about? I don't know. I can't even remember.

I don't even get a silly string, cold memory. Oh, the core memory. You are raging when I brought it in. And I was like, I am that parent. I'm the one who's like, I don't give a shit. And you're the one who is uptight and, you know, the kids will remember that you were the boring one. But anyway,

You got into it and that you pretended to sneeze at the same time as knowing the silly string. Yeah, yeah. I've never seen them laugh like that. Yeah, it was good. It was good. Come on. 15 seconds. Do it for that.

15 seconds. Look, I'm saying maybe, people who make silly string, I mean, I know what's had it today, I didn't know they still sold it. I was genuinely surprised. Is it the big Tesco? Maybe sort of, less than 15 seconds of touching that button and it was done. Done. It was only two pound.

Two pound a bottle. Imagine? Imagine? Imagine? I don't know, it was minimum wage. Two pound of your 15 seconds. Everyone would be a fucking millionaire. Well,

just don't buy it again. It was his Christmas money. I didn't. I didn't buy it. You did? All right. It was all right. The sneeze, anyone listening or watching, the only way to enjoy silly string is behind your face.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Chew finger on the thing. And I'm 99% sure. I saw that on, um, bike of growth. I'm pretty sure PJ and Duncan did that. I'm back of growth and I've stole it ever since. So PJ Duncan,

Bracket. I'm deck, thank you for them. Speaking of like Christmas money and stuff like that, we've got a situation right now. We need to be on top of it. Robin has ran out of Christmas money. Okay? I'm away.

Because he's after stuff now and I've said, mate, you've got no money left and he's like, what, he thinks it lasts forever. Crazy. And he broke one of my hair clips and I took a ten of him, which... Respect. But he hasn't it.

Thank you. That is straight from the Chris Ramsey book of parent and that, like... Thank you. I know, is that really harsh. No, he broke it. He was fucking chewing it. He was chewing on my... My favourite hair grip, which was from Oliver Bonas, right?

Which is quite expensive. Whoa! You want more than a tenor off the little shit? I've been in that shop. I shouldn't have took a tenor really because it was secondhand. But anyway, it was just a round number and I think that's all he had left. So yeah, he broke it. And he didn't...

By the way, he didn't accidentally break it. He was playing with it, chewing on it, sucking on it, like a fucking dog. And he broke. And he knew he'd broke it. And he wasn't bothered, right? It was just on the island and I made a fuss. And I was like, this is my thing. So, yeah, so I took a ten of him.

But now he's got no Christmas. money left. He's like, and you took that time out of me. Anyway, what issue is is,

Robin is, he tried it this morning. He's going to try and get Rave's Christmas money off him. Rave has got so much Christmas money. I know.

Well, listen, sometimes it's nice to pay for the Chinese and cash. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, that's where it'll be going. So thank you,

ma'am, thank you, everybody for all the money that he gave up, Rave, because it's, but no, don't know of Chinese.

But no, don't let Rave give Robin. any money. I won't. But then again, what are you going to do? Robin is going to con Rhaef out of money.

It's going to be, it's going to be hard to watch. It's going to be tragic. It's going to be like, Ravel just give him it. Because Robin's going to go in the cupboard and get like a saurine which Rave owns anyway

and be like, I'll sell you this for 20 pounds and Rave will be like, okay. And Rob will be like, Sucker, it's going to be embarrassing to watch. Let's see what happens. I'm getting it all back off him. He's not, he's not conning that little boy

out of money. I can't have it. I already feel bad. Do you know what I feel like? I already feel like I remember the first time I ever saw Dumb and Duma the scene where the cell the parakeet of the blind kid and it cuts to the kid

going pretty bird, pretty bird and it's got duct tape on its neck. I felt sick when I watched that. I was only a child and I felt physically sick. I couldn't enjoy it. We got no food. We got no jobs. Our pets had to follow off.

What a film. Great film. Oh my God, Robin would love Dumb and Duma. Yes. Someone just told me yesterday. Apparently I wasn't away. You know, When he's at the ski resort, Jim Carrey, and he walks out at the door and he looks at the poster on the wall and he goes,

we've landed on the moon. Apparently that was improvised. Oh, he's amazing. Unbelievable. Right. Robin film Dumb and Dumbass going on. Okay, this is the introduction. We could charge Robin to watch Dumberd... No, he's got no money, has he? No. Okay, about the drawn board with that.

Robin's got no money left. Long intro, here's the jingle. Yeah. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle

Jingo Babadoo Babadoo Babadu Babadu Bhabo do bagu Bhabo do ba Jingo Hello And welcome back to this week's episode I've Shagamarnoid I've calmed down I'm sorry Okay

I think we're sometimes you know When we start recording We're both like Like 500 miles an hour Trying to get all of our thoughts out talking over each other And I think it's ADHD ADHD

Well I think we'd sometimes look at our kids And wonder why they're such hard graft We are riddled with all of this stuff. Yeah. God, Robin this morning, these catchphrases. I've got an idea for this podcast. If you are really sick of your kids,

your sort of 10-year-old pre-teen kids coming out with six, seven, and all that bullocks. Six-seven and all that shit. Just email in, let we know what phrase they are currently saying, right, chat by note at jimmed.com, what phrase they are saying, that's pissing you off.

I'll see it on here, and in me saying it, it will immediately be shitty. you're un-cool. Do you know what I said six-seven? We were driving to school the other day

and the car in front were the reg was six-seven and I went, Robin, look at that reg, and he went, oh. Well, actually, I think the six-seven thing

is now younger. Rafe loves six-seven. Rafe goes, one, two, three, four, five, six-seven. Yeah. I think they caught me off

the other ones, but now, yeah. So, Robin, I went, I went, look at that reg and that car and he went, oh, and his exact words

were, Rosie, his exact words, trying to interrupt us again, but I'm not letting you. His exact words were, uh, bro,

imagine seeing 6-7 in 2026. I went, sorry, what, he went, yeah, that's a 20-25 thing. I was like,

I literally, I looked ahead, both hands on the steam wheel and I said out loud, the world's moving so fast right now. You can't keep up, babe, you can't keep up.

A brave keeps saying, brough, and he's far too young to say, bruh. He's just, but he's just innocent little, he's only turned five,

and he's like, bro, but to me, he's like, bro. Yeah. I'm like, You're taking me, Dad brrrra the other day.

Dad, bro. He's got no idea what it means. I asked him what it meant. And he was like, it just means like when you can't be bothered to say yes. He said, brough. I was like, do you think it's short for anything? And he went, trua. I went, no.

I'm just stupid. Again, we were on the way. A couple of things. The shit I'll have to listen to him in the car. Well, what's the new phrase? Hang on, though. That the both do all the time. And it's, we get so overstimulated.

It's, um, hell no. No, no, no, no. What the hell? Robin goes, Robin goes, what the hell? Oh my God. He did it all. So he was doing that all this morning

and then he's seen another one. Every parent out there if you're currently living through this, I'm sorry, but he was doing another one this morning. So another one he does is a, do a flip. Oh, he's like,

do a flip. He always says, do a flip. Yeah, yeah. He's like a human boppet. So he was doing it all morning. Remember, I came, I got ready and I came downstairs, I was going to take them to school,

and I looked to you and I went, my head's done in. I went to the back door and I started to put my shoes on and I went, do a flip and then I went, for fuck sake! See, but you are, so you would have been like that when you were younger?

Yeah, 100%. But the shit that I have to listen to music-wise in the car and then, oh my God, I don't think I've told you this. I think I wrote it down for stand-up but it doesn't really make sense. So I think, yeah, I didn't even see it on stage. Sometimes I write something down for stand-up I looked at my notes when I'm doing a new gig

and as I'm doing the show, I go, I fuck that and I just don't see it. The shit Robin says, the shit Rave says, the shit I haven't listened to on the radio. It's at the point. out where when we're taking, I've got one of Robin's little friends and I'm taking them all to, I don't know, bowling or something.

I forgot, I tell you, they were in the car the other day. And one of his little friends went, do you know, in Azda the other day, they were selling £11 for £10. I went, and Robin went, yeah, yeah, just agreeing with him. And I went, and obviously I should just go, alright, but I can't.

I went, sorry, what? No, you have, why are you doing this? These are not our children? So, you're saying something stupid, he has to be told. So I went, I went, sorry, what, mate? He went, yeah, in ASDA, they were selling £11 for £10?

I don't understand. I went, what? I went, £11, what? He went, £11? I went, so you could go in at ASDA, give them £10, and they would give you £11? He went, yeah? I went, so they were giving away pounds.

He went, no, they were giving £11 away for £10. What was it? I've got no fucking idea. Oh, but you don't need to know? because they're children and it's got fuck all to do with you. It's horrible. Stop correcting people.

I can't. It's such an awesome thing. I sent you that video of Tim Key. Tim Key. We're cut from the same cloth. He was on Dish podcast. Yeah. Just gone, like recently.

And Nick Grimshaw made a mistake. Benifi pie instead of Benoffie pie. And Tim Kay was like, Benoffie. Yeah. And I was like, he's all the same. We had Bridget Christie on our, please keep me anonymous. Brilliant, by the way.

If you haven't heard it, go back and listen, it's fantastic. And she says hails of bays instead of bails of hay. I was listening to back in the car. Sometimes I was listening to them, just, you know, to review her stuff. Just said hails of bays instead of bails of hay. That turned off. Because he didn't. I was like, people.

No, I didn't correct her. But I was like, now everyone listens to that goes, oh, Rosie and Chris think it's Bales of Bale, not Bales of Hay. Can't live? But people say stuff all the time and I just let them. A girl I used to work with used to call roundabouts, roundabouts. And I just never.

It's not my gig. I couldn't be friends with someone. Just let her, well, she was just happy. I think one time I might have, after a while I think we all sort of said it's roundabout It's not roundyboats We all sort of said implies there was like an intervention

Like she came in and everyone's sitting in chair Thank you for come and sit down This is a safe space we all love you But it's roundabouts Round a bout Not round eboughts You know Carl Hutchinson Call Hutchinson says fifth

He can't say fifth Oh He says fifth Why? Do you know Is he Irish So he said fifth So when we play

when we play a Mario Kart on tour Fifth. Oh, I came fifth and I'm like, I'm going to, it's fifth. He can't physically do it. We might have a big tongue. He's just fucking lazy.

He's just gone, he's picked fifth and he's kept it forever. Well, you know, whatever, whatever flows for it was. It's a trot. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. I saw something the other day that I've actually,

I saw it a while ago. I wrote it down my phone and I saw it and I was looking for stand-up ideas the other day. And I, I'd blanked it out and I remembered it when I read it. I saw a man the other day, walking along, one hand, something in it, the other hand, banana in it. He's peeling the banana with his teeth. It was one of the worst things I've ever seen.

Why? Why was he peeling his banana with his teeth? Because he wanted to peel and his hands were full and he was walking along. Oh, so his other hand was full? Something in one hand. Yeah. I think it was his kid's scooter. Right.

other hand banana yeah no I can get on board with that it was horrible it's horrible we made eye contact at one point as well

which made it really awful I can get about sometimes you've got to do you've got to learn how to do things without I didn't like it I didn't like a lot of things

it was just upsetting okay it was just upsetting but yeah at one point he was like looking around and we caught eye contact and it was weirdly sexual

it was odd it was really odd some people can't wait eat stuff though can they well I felt like saying stop walking

put that down peel it and fucking like what are you doing I will literally carry so many things in the house so I don't have to do two trips. And I've injured myself. I'm going to fall down the stairs and die one day

by carrying too many things. I've spilled glasses of water. I've learnt now though. Do you know what I've learnt now? Before you go down the stairs with loads of stuff in a glass of water, empty the water down the sink. I thought you were going to say it down the stairs.

No, empty the water down the sink. So then if you spill it, it's not, yeah. Well done. Life hack. Look at that. Are you going to have a life-hack program? on BBC too. Fantastic. Maybe I am.

Empty the water. Thank you for watching. Hack. Got a new obsession. You've got a new obsession. Online obsession. There's a guy I've started following and he just reviews tin fish.

And honestly... You'd be a millionaire. Good, I hope he is. I watch six videos. Just one I see you there. Is there six types of tin fish? Oh my God. You've got no idea how many tin fish there is.

And I love tin fish. And I'm going to actually expand. Annoyingly, there was one. there was tinned mussels in like a... In a marinarra sauce. Oh, God. And I looked on the website, but they're actually from America.

And I thought, I can't be ordering tinned muscles from America. That, I mean... What? What? Do you just want to have the shits forever? I'm sorry. They'll give you the shits.

Really? Tinned muscles. Yeah, they're just preserved on there? In oil and that? I'm not having that one. I do love tinned fish. Tuna is like my favourite food. Or they're taken out of the shells

or the shells? Yeah, no. They're taken out and cooked and then preserved. How big do you think the tin is? I don't know. Taking out the tin. Because you had sardines the other day. I love tin.

I'm a convert. I've slacked them off for years. My mom's been eating tin sardines for years and I've always been like, oh, but I love sardines. It's like even more cats. It's like living with cats. Oh yeah, I'm a bit like a cat. In the day, that fucking tin was open and the sardine thing was just on the desk and on the bench and there was a stain next to it.

It was fucking disgusting. It was delicious, though. I draw the light. Tuna's fine. and it's took me years to get on board with tuna because it looks like dry grass. It's got to me honest with you. It looks like hay.

It does. It's so upsetting. It's so upsetting. It does not look like hair. It does. It looks like you just gave someone a one all over who had a three on their head. It's hair.

It's hair. It's awful. No, it's delicious. It gets fibre-y. It just goes with everything. It doesn't go with everything. It does. Name me something you can't eat tuna with.

I'll wait. Soup. I'd have tuna and soup. Would you fuck? I would. Watch it? Watch it. Watch me have tuna and soup.

All right. Serial. It wasn't. Only took us two. But that's a sweet thing. It's a savory. No, it's a savory food. Just do savory foods.

Cereal's not sweet? Yes, it is. Brand flakes. No, look at the sugar content. Brand flakes? Yes. Shreddies. Christopher, stop doing cereal.

Okay. Do savory food. A savory food that tuna doesn't go away. Goes with pasta. Goes with the potatoes. It goes with rice. All right. Avocado.

Yorkshire pudding. Yeah, I would absolutely have tuna mayonnaise. You would have a tuna mayonnaise filled Yorkshire pudding? Absolutely would. I would. That's made us go all funny.

I would. I love tuna. Oh. Favorite food. Sure crack on. Yeah. I'm gonna have to. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu.

Guys, you did not disappoint in the WhatsApp department. This is exciting. We've been sent loads of WhatsApp. I went through a lot of them yesterday. A lot of them are very lovely and they're just sort of saying, I love the show, which is so sweet.

Thank you so much. Brilliant. But I needed to get down to the nitty-gritty. Right. This is probably the most important one that we got. Some of them, there is a really good story. I'm going to, someone sent in a great story, but this is, I just wanted to, this is probably the, I haven't heard these, so this is really exciting.

This is probably the best one that would have been sent. Did you hear that? Just. I'll tell you right now. Setting the bar high. That's real. That's not fair. That's not a fair.

That's an actual. Fort. Of course. It takes three seconds to come in. Oh my God. But, um,

I'll do, we'll do a proper one. There's the bar guys. You ready? This is a proper story. Are you ready? No wonder I've never been on QI. Oh,

I hope we get loads. Oh God. Not loads of fart. I hope we get loads of fart. League table of fart. You know, Top Gear used to do who went round the track. We could do League Table of Fort.

I like the Omla Challenge. Best Farts. That's a pretty good one. That really took us by surprise. Really good. Yeah. Really good. You ready for this?

Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and we. Let's talk about all the good shit and the bad shit that can be. Let's talk about cheat with a little bit of shit. Let's talk about my sheet. So I think I must have been about seven or eight years old. And I'd always really wanted to have a poo outside. So it was on my bucket list.

So, No, no, sorry. So, I heard poo And I immediately went to like, in my head, dead quickly I went to like a poodle She obviously always wanted a poodle Yeah. Pooh outside took me fully by surprise. No, of course I haven't.

You've met me, you know me. Everyone listening now who's listened to even one episode of this Who knows anything about me personally, you know I've never pooed outside. No, I don't think I, well, no, I haven't. I've never pooed outside, I don't think. No. I would like to. Why?

Like, get with nature. and just... No! I think it's good to do things once. Horrible. Well, anyway, listen. And one day, the opportunity arose. So my dad was out.

My mum, I think she said she had to, like, hop to the next door neighbor's house for some reason. So I had a window of opportunity, and I took it. I took a toilet roll. Didn't expect the... So she's prepared. She's fully prepared. Cheating, in my opinion.

Cheating. You're going to shit outside. You do it full home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, full hog. You know, dock leave, oh no, it's a nettle, you know,

you gotta live with that for the next couple days. Yeah. And I went right to the bottom of the garden where we had a trampoline. Oh, for fuck, say. I went underneath a trampoline. No.

I curled one out. And it had crossed my mind what I was going to do with the shit and I'd settled on, blame it on the dog. So anyway, it was nice, yeah, it ticked all the boxes

that I was expecting. It was very, like, freeing. Anyway, I'm cleaning myself up and I hear my mum come back. And she opens the back door to let my dog into the garden. My dog literally bounds towards me and eats my shit. I was pretty taken back, to be honest with you. And I was like, fuck. Well, anyway, at least it's gone now.

But then, for the rest of the day, I proceeded to. watch my whole family petting my dog as she licked their faces and I can't really say anything because it was like she ate my shit earlier

and they take that so anyway that's my shit story yeah absolutely that had everything it had everything it had twists

it had turned wonderfully spoke and wonderfully presented you could be a comedian oh my God. So I thought she was going to say, I mean, dogs, I love, love, love, love dogs

so much. Gardner's dog, I haven't seen him since before Christmas, he was just in the garden there now. The gardener was like, you and that dog, he was like, he's missed you. Like, I love him so much. I love them. Believe anything, though. But the fuck in it, they don't give a shit. But I thought she was going to say it, like, jumped on her, because she said she was cleaning herself

hopes, I thought she was going to say the dog jumped on her, like, knocked her back into her shit, which would have been hilarious. But ate it. She didn't tell anyone, and she had to watch the dog, This is why I don't let dogs lick my face. Yeah. Who's like, who's kissing their dogs? Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Anyway, so there you go. Hang on. That's wonderful. Thank you for that. Oh, wow. Right, we'll just do another one really quick.

Hang on. Make sure this is up. Ready? Same one again. It's the same part again. It's the same one. Yeah, of course it is. Perfect.

Okay. I hope you wiped your phone after you did that. That's, there's, there's going to get, you're going to get ill. I don't think. I think I've listened to all of these. What's this? Right, okay. Have we got time?

Yes, it won't have our time. It can get edited it out. All right, okay. I've not listened to all of these. Hang on, what's this? Just a little quick one. Chris said on the podcast about hiding a body on Christmas Eve.

Yes. And when I was about 13, I was walking home with my cousin. And we heard men muffling about in the back of the van that was pulled on the drive. And of course, being nosy, we were just being nosy. So they pulled something out by its feet.

And we thought it was a body. So my cousin had 9-99, punched into her phone, ready to call the police. It turned out it was the hog roast for Christmas Day. Who's getting a hog roast for Christmas day? That way, the fuck were you walking around your land? Jesus Christ. The hog roast? That's a bit interesting.

Buy its feet. Full pig? That's impressive. Full pig. a bit of a long one here but the world needs people like this okay okay you and I don't think we'd ever do this but the world does need people like this okay get your finger ready on pause

for when I've got something to say hello Chris and Rosie this is Ian hi no need to keep me anonymous great job you're doing on the podcast as ever loving loving the new set and the videos thank you

my thing to say to you is that I want the numbering back on the episodes the latest one that I've listened to the Chinese where you have too much takeaway the pig box of shame that was 351 and I actually

edit the titles of the episodes when I download them because I still have iTunes I still have an iTunes library I own all the music I don't use Spotify or stream anything I just have my iTunes I buy the songs

every now and again by myself an iTunes voucher and I'm also the type of person that gives everything a rating in my iTunes and I collect a lot of audio books and I have a notebook where I write down

out of five stars how good there wow yeah that's my thing there's more just go on but that the world still needs people like this the main question is when's he going to kill again That's my main question.

Well, because he's got a Nordbook? Where are the bodies? I'm jealous. He's actually made... Have we mentioned this on here? He's actually made a really good point. One of my tour managers, we talked about this years ago,

the fact that you don't own anything, like someone could do a celebrity or a film star or something, could do something that gets them cancelled or gets them being like a controversial figure, and streaming platforms could get rid of their films. Macaulay Culkin's back on the scene now, everyone's loving him. If he gets himself in any bother at any point, not saying he will,

I'm just using them as an example because Home Alone is one of my favourite films, but if he got himself in any massive bits of bother, Home Alone comes off all the streaming things at Christmas. You're not allowed to watch them anymore. If you don't own it, if it's not fucking in a shelf or in your lot, you can't watch that anymore. Oh my God. Isn't that mad? Anyway, do you want to hear the rest of Ian's story? 100%. About his life.

I have a notebook full of audiobook recommendations and ratings. podcasts I actually read every episode of podcasts you guys rate four or five a lot of times well done I love you guys

thanks mate thanks Ian love you too Ian but do you know what this is a thing that it made us think about something else there's a deeper meaning

I rely on reviews quite a lot but I have never ever wrote a review in my life isn't that really selfish I have written two reviews in my life what for

one is four for me gym, SBG, where I go do Jiu-Jitsu. And I wrote a review on Google for them. I never do it. Everyone asks us to do it and I never do it. Because I genuinely love the place. And they asked us to do it, so I did it. And I've wrote one for the, you know, my nerdy as fuck,

PlayStation screen that I've got that clips on the top of the PlayStation there. I've wrote them for that. And I get so many fucking questions sent to us through Amazon about that review. and I just ignore them all. Every couple of days I get sent a question about that review. What do you mean? Because I say it's a brilliant product

I bought it and then people who are looking at it go well what's the sound like what is this? Does it have this output? People ask you questions? I get loads of technical questions through my Amazon going someone's asked a question about review.

I'm like oh yeah, fuck off. But yeah. Ian has impressed me hugely. I would never be that organised in my life although guess what I did after my hair cut yesterday as I was on my way

out of the hairdressers you've never booked another appointment booked me next appointment which I'm sure I'll cancel at some point but I booked my next appointment three weeks down the line because honestly and I don't have you aware of this hair grows

sure yeah it does you can't just get one hair cut and then be flabagasted in three weeks that it's grown it will grow well done you've got to do it regularly what date is it What date is it? Are you going to tell me I can't do it?

No, no, I'll just, I'll put it me down. What date? Come on. It is 3rd of February, 10am. Free. You're free. You're free. You're free. Chris Hay.

Chris Hay. I'm so proudy. It was actually buzzing. Yes, because bless that, she squeezes me in left, right and centre. Because you're a nightmare. Well done. Yes. What does she call us?

Last minute, Larry? I think she calls you worse than that, but. Class. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. I don't like to talk about, like, getting older. Why? As a person, like, in comedy and in, like, stuff, you just think, so you sometimes see comedians and they're on stage

and they go, like, oh, I'm 30 this year, I'm getting old. And you're like, they could be a fucking 65-year-old person in the crowd thinking, shut the fuck up, and you'll just lose them. There will be. Because it's all relative, right? However, I've hit some, and I think, maybe not even age, I think I've hit some like dad milestones recently. Right. Okay.

So because I'm not a normal person, I don't like putting boots on. Oh God. Lacing up boots. The boots saga in our life. It's been snowing recently. Yes. Lacing up boots.

I feel like I'm doing it for... If you told me... If you took me by the way, Chris, it just... It took you 45 minutes to lace them up. It felt like 45 minutes. You don't like doing dishes either, but that's a different thing.

Don't worry about that. Hate... doing, we're talking about boots. Don't change the subject. It's rude. Um, and what I do is I put the boots on and I pop outside. I always have, I've always forgot something. I always have to come back inside to get something. You can't just slip them bad boys off and go up and get it. You've got it there. So I started, because it was snowing slash raining recently, I started wearing me golf shoes in everyday life. Because they're basically, I've got all weather golf shoes, not that I would ever play golf in the

and miserable enough as it is. I've got all weather golf shoes and I can just slip them on and off. They're waterproof, they're warm. Yeah. So I'm wearing now, school pickup, I'm in golf shoes. Did you think this was important enough

to mention on the podcast? I think it is a sign of maybe I'm starting to not give a fuck because one day, apparently you get to an age where you don't give a fuck anymore. I think I've broke through the first bit. Okay.

Well, if anyone said, are they fucking golf shoes? I go, you've been golf like? I go, no, but they're waterproof. Practicality, dickhead, over, oh, I don't want me trendy boots on my trendy trainers on. I'll get wet. Oh, yeah. Okay. Right. So first of all that, that's my first thing I want to mention about age. Great. The second thing. Are you trying this out of a stand-up? Because if you are, I don't think you should do that. Yeah, great. Another milestone of age, of life. Yeah. For the first time ever, Robbins' underpants were put into my underpants,

Oh God. Am I no longer the man of the house? We're going to have to fight to the death, me and Robin? Hang on, though. Who did that? I think it was your man. Right. I thought I'd have past him being ten. How little are my kegs?

They've told... His have got like motorbikes on and that. No, next. He's got some next ones. But what other, though? She's obviously just not seen properly. There's no... You're not there yet. I feel threatened. I feel threatened as the main... silver-back gorilla in this tribe

I feel threatened. Did it not make you feel a little bit like how I've felt for years whenever my mom's ever sort of, if we've been away on two or whatever, my mom's got the kids, she will kindly do with the washing and it's really sweet and blah-blody, blah, blah, blah. But the times when they've put

like my stuff in your wardrobe, that's really fucking upsetting. I get terrified when I have to march over to your room and go, by the way, your mom thinks this shirt's a bit manish. Do you want it back? By the way, your mum's decided that these bed shots are far too big for a woman. It's really upsetting.

But you normally born a contention with the whole, I could not put one of your shirts on sexually in the morning. It wouldn't fasten. They need to stop doing, I think they have stopped doing that in films. I think they stop doing that in movies, yeah. Because that's so upsetting. Because you do think, you think when I'm old, I think, I'll slip his shirt on. And my tits have always been massive and I've never been able to do it.

Unless I had a huge boyfriend. Well, no complaints here, but I am actually. I've been hitting the creatine. Honestly, your clothes are tight. No, I'm not. So, speaking of age and death and all that, right? Oh, great. I mean, I'd rather not.

Someone we know, mutual friend told me this story. And I said, can I tell this on the podcast? And they said, yeah, I said, look, I'll not say who it is and I'll change the name. But their partners, grander, bless him, fell over the Christmas and broke his hip. He broke his hip And he was on his way To the hospital in an ambulance To go and get sorted

And apparently she said He was sitting in the back of the ambulance And he was going Looked up to the sky And he's going I'm on my way Doris I'm on my way Don't worry I'm coming

And the ambulance driver I was like Who's Doris? He was like Oh it's my wife She died a couple years ago And the guy was like Well you've

You've only broke your hip So like you're okay And then apparently he did it in the hospital again and she was like he does it all the time man he gets a fucking runny nose and he's looking up the sky going

Doris I'm coming don't worry you've already got a fucking runny nose and I'm telling you that's gonna be me I'm a hyperconry anyway if you die first oh everything stub me tall

I'll stub me tall Rosie I'm coming darling I don't want to inflict on our children me dying first because I swear to God you would not I don't think it'd cope

I really don't think it'd cope Everything. Every sneeze. I'm on me. I'm coming. Rosie, I'm coming. Get a bottle of peanut open up there. Get it, get it decanted.

Get it. Let it breathe. I would. I'm on me wait. I would. Oh, that's sad though. It comes to it all, sadly. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. As always, if you want to get in touch at shagmarinoid at gmail.com or if you want to send a WhatsApp, of a voice note, which if you send it, it can be used on the podcast

and will be using the podcast and no refunds, returns or exchanges, so we'll test them in the shop. The number of the WhatsApp from a shop that I remember Gordon was a child, yes.

Super Tech in South Shields. Every school was when you're yours were a phase and people would fucking break them outside. No refunds, repairs or exchanges, so we'll test them in the shop. And I remember thinking, even as like an 11-year-old, I remember thinking,

fuck me, that's watertight. That's great. That's such a good business. So if you want to send anything in, the number is 0-6. 7-874 406-6-6-50 And look, I'm not condoning

that farts get sent in But the bars set pretty high with the fart It was a good far That's the level we're at If you're eating You might want to stop Or pause And come back later

Because this next story Made me want to vommer And I don't want to afflict That upon you either. Maybe want a Vom and I don't want to inflict that on anyone. Would have been the perfect ending.

Oh well then I tell you what. Learn how to fucking sing and become a little bit more adventurous and record one of your own jingles and at the same time get off my fucking dick you piece of shit. I think you might be due on.

I think you might be due on. Does it going to make his bomb more than the fact that I was sitting in our kitchen this morning eating eggs on toast while you and your ma'am were both talking about how much eggs make you fart and then your mom said

they make me incredibly gassy did they make you gassy and I'm literally eating my egg going I don't want to hear this and she went oh yeah very gassy and then they'll have a very slight pause and then she said gaseous clay which who did you mean Cassius clay? Yeah Cassius clay

who's Cassius clay was Mohammed Ali's first name She's Cassius Clay was born Cassius Clay She's funny man But I'm eating a fucking I'm eating an egg on toast I mean mother-in-law's they going Oh, make me gassy them moment of silence

Gassie as gay Just to ourself Just to ourself She's nuts She's nuts She's nuts I grew up in very honestly We're all really weird

My family The older I've got I've just realised that Everyone I'm Everyone I surround myself with Yeah It's really fucking weird But I kind of like it

Because then I can just be me normal self 100% You never met anyone who's really and you go, oh, I'm... I'm insane. Right. You ready? Always, let's go.

Something disgusting. Let's dance. Hi, Rosie and Chris. The summer after we finished uni, a friend and I traveled to visit another uni friend. He was from Essex, but he'd moved to East Anglia, with his mum, who was recovering from an operation

to remove two kidney stones. Fucking out. Oh, God. Just drink more water. Just drink more water. Well, yeah, that's easy to say once you're You've got the kidney stones, but... But I mean, then again, there might be other reason for kidney stones.

I'm not trying to be a blanket statement here, but just drink water. I know some people who don't drink water at all. Yeah. They just drink pop or like tea, and I'm like, what, just... My dad has 20 cups of tea a day. Opposite of water. And he's like... The actual opposite of water.

I know. It just doesn't drink water. I was like, have a glass of water. Yeah. Mad. Anyway, um, he also invited several of his friends from home. We'd never met before, but we had a great couple of nights in great Yarmouth. And they were all an amazing bunch of lads. Though you might doubt the truth of that based on the following story. So nice group of lads.

Nice meeting new friends. So he went to the uni in Essex. Yeah. Then he moved back to East Anglia. No, his mate from the uni moved to East Anglia with his mom. Got you. Okay. One of his Essex friends had a party trick where he was willing to down a pint of anything in exchange for a fiver.

I mean. These people exist. I've seen people will, yeah. Well, I mean, we, you know, we've had, remember my mates with the fishbowl. Like, we'll remember this. Yes. Awful. Not my mate, it's, mates of mates.

That was the worst story we've had on the back. So triggering for so many people. I couldn't believe that. I can't listen to that. And the nipple, them too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything. So anything for a fiver, right?

He was very keen to show off his party trick. A pint. A pint? Pints a lot. I know. Not even a shot. Yeah, I'm not saying, I'll, you know,

I'll lick anything, I'll lick anything for a fiver. I'll put anything in my mouth for a fiver. A pint. I will not. I remember one of the last times I was on Sleepy Juice. I was on with Will Mellar and there was this, this talent show thing we had to do

and they gave me and Will Miller I think it was a pint of gravy, a pint of like brown sauce, a pint of ketchup and something else and they were like, you have to neck them. And I was like, absolutely fucking not.

I was like, I can't, I can't do that. I've done it on shots, but did it on shots on the show once and I'm sure it was a pint, it was like a pint so much to drink. It's so much to drink. It is.

Can I carry on with this? I don't want to know what it is. I'm so triggered. He was very keen to show of his party trick and spent most of the night asking us all if we were feeling poorly so that he might throw... No, don't.

Oh God, no, hang on. And he spent most of the night asking us all if we were feeling poorly so that we might throw up in a pine glass and he could down it. God, this guy... He's going to die! He's a psychopath.

He's a psychopath killer. Sorry, so his whole night, he was so eager, so his party trick is that he'd down a pint of anything and he spent his whole night... Is he asking to... Or rank. I can't work it out.

Or both. Both. He spent his whole night trying to make people drunk enough to be sick so he could neck it. That's got to be a fetish. So, okay. It's got, right, okay. So he's either got a fetish or he's skinned or he's rank or he's, he just wants to, like, show off. And he's got a really warped sense of what he thinks impresses people.

Do how much fucking stomach acid comes up when you're sick? It's just, it's not okay. Are you ready? Sadly for him. I'm not ready. Sadly for him. Although it was a good night, nobody got in enough of a state for him to be able to drink their sick.

Honestly, and he went home disappointed. Good. Poor guy. What a guy. You should hang around nurseries. No. Such a horrible sentence. Taking out of context, that's the worst.

But there's always a kid being sick at a nursery. There's always someone being sick. There's always someone being sick. Excited kids at parties. Oh yeah. The next morning. Oh my God, there's more? There's more.

Are you joking? Do you think that was it? the next morning we were sitting around hung over when my friend's mum showed us her two extracted kidney stones which the doctors had given to her to take home in a plastic specimen bottle

nice you're going to make up for the previous night's disappointment don't sick boy offered to eat them I don't like I'm not kidding right

I went to scream there and I couldn't physically scream because when I went to open my mouth I had the idea that someone was going to pop a kidney stone in they're like little they're like little bits of clay They're like calcium buildup They're like calcium buildups

Didn't we crush one on the TV show? Was it a kidney stone or was it a gallstone? It's a gallstone Kidney stones are hard objects Made of minerals and salts in urine Discussed. Listen, as there were two of them We gave them a tenor Faye's fair

I can't argue with the economics here He popped them in his mouth And gave them a chew Before swallowing them down To gasp of disgust and horrified admiration. Can we also clarify this is the day after, this is the morning after?

The party's over, man. The party's over, go home. What would you rather eat? An ashtray or kidney stones? It's got to be ashtray. It's got to be an ashtray. I'm not eating someone's fucking kidney stones. We are questioned.

Whose kidney stones are there? I'm in the same situation. Is it just someone's? Who's kidney stones are there? Or is it yours or is it the veins? Well, no. No, there were strangers? No.

It's your friends, ma'am's kidney stone. No. What have I got eating the ashtray though? The tabs? The ash. They say what's worse for you? Oh God, it's started. I'm sorry. I filmed the incident on my Nokia and the footage is probably too greedy for anyone to be

identifiable, but better not change in case he's the teacher now or something. Arguably... He's a fucking teacher. If he's a teacher, I'm going to be well upset. You never know. Arguably, the worst thing is that because he... Because this was the morning after and the noughties, we had to scrape together

whatever cash we had left in our back pockets in order to pay him. So he consumed a middle-aged woman's kidney stones in exchange for a tenor's worth of shrapnel. That man, that's a man on the edge. Not even a note. My, and I think I speak for everyone here,

my main issue with the entire thing is that he chewed them and he swallowed them. He's got, it's a fetish. He's fucking awful. Like, don't get his wrong. If you, going to me head, I've got to consume them. I'm hoined them in and necking them like tablets. But then what's the point?

But if I've got to consume them, I'm saying I'm hiding in a net from my chocolates. I don't even think your body would digest it. It probably would. Your stomach acid, I'd probably kick my fuck out of it to be fair. But, I mean, horrible. Like, the fact that it's the morning after it, like, everyone's a bit giddy. Sometimes it's a bit hung over, a bit giddy, bit silly. Oh, no.

He's ill. And the worst bit about it, if I was there, I'd have chipped in to say that. Oh, my God. 100%. I'd fully pay people to do it. I love shit like that. I'd have been, yeah, I'd been well on top of that. God, yeah, I'd have given them the full ten hours.

As I said, just do it for me. Interesting enough. Interesting enough, me and Carl, I used to do a game like this with Carl all the time. Just not actually make him do it, but I would just go, look, mate, how much? If you had to do this, how much would you do? I love how much.

Just play it in the car, just something. And we were going, and we're driving through London once, and the Thames was particularly fucking scruffy this day. You know, sometimes it's just fucking brown. Yeah. And I said, oh, how much I drink, like, a pint of the Thames water.

and he like said how much it was and then the tour manager was just like you know that would kill you right and I was like what and it would literally a pint of river water would kill you okay from the Thames

I played a game of how much we've had a birthday on Saturday and I played a game of I said about five people how much because I collected all of the juice

that the kids have been drinking into the jug to pour it down the sink so I went around the whole table and poured all the little the little cups of old juice in this jug where was that?

Oh, I was cutting up the birthday cake. You were a little bit. I hated it. Great. Did nothing for the party, by the way. Everyone, Chris did nothing. I cut the birthday cake. So I did a lovely game with about five people.

I went, how much for a glass of this? Honestly, they were willing like. Really? Well, because it looked all right. It was just juice, but then you go, the kids of, there'll be bits of shit. Oh, no. There'll be snots and bits of food and chicken nugget and all kind of that.

Awful. Awful. Babadoo, babadoo, babo, bab. Hello, Ramseys. Hi. I just wanted to share something that's just happened to me with my husband. We have two kids, one and four.

So getting frisky doesn't happen very often. Been there? Yeah. Still there. Is it getting better. It does get better, doesn't it? Comes back. It does come back.

Like, it disappears for a while. It might not with everyone. Some people are top shaggers, which is good for you. Top shaggers, hashtag powering through. Exactly. But for us, we were not top shaggers for a little while.

No. But then it does come back. So we will get back to medium to low-level shagas very soon. I can't wait. Just as a little bit. perimenopause kicks in my libidio

libidiosis hits the floor I can't wait for it all come back living libidioca we were lucky enough to get some alone time while the kids were at the grandparents nice I decided to be a fabulous wife and get down on my knees

and well you know the rest oh okay yeah grouting sometimes in the kitchen it gets the is that what it is that she's probably got in that grouting with a brush yeah when the kids are they'd be all over it.

They're spilling things and stuff and they're gone. Get down, get that grouton, get it white again. Maybe she might have even used a grouting pen and done the things. Great. Good for her. So I'm going down, doing my best work when I hear a rustling noise.

It's probably the brush, the bristles of the brush on them. So I open my eyes to see him opening a letter. I'm sorry. A bit of admin. I'm sorry. Just put, yeah, dot, dot, dot, dot. a fucking letter.

That, that is, I'm now. Chris, there's more, there's more. That's so offensive. So obviously, let you all be on the curtain. I knew it wasn't grouting. I was doing my comedy. Going on to her next one.

I wish you wouldn't. So, can you imagine? Oh. Bit of a life admin. Been a blow job. I'm thinking, oh, it looks like it's from the council.

How about I have a look? Might be a bill. Wow. That, I would leave you. That is... Brave. Brave, in my opinion. There's more.

I can't believe it. Is it just me or would you find this extremely insulting? Yes, I would. I'd love to say this was a one-off situation. It's not. He has a list of other things I caught him doing mid-bang. Mid-bang. This is shagging.

He looked me... So there's one, number one. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, I wish I'd have got my work clothes out. He's got a ADHD. He's got it. I think, yeah. He's a hundred of a cent.

Oh, we're giving him the benefit of the doubt. No, because it's funny as fuck. Come on. Number two. He told me a joke. Doesn't say which joke, which is upsetting.

Um, number three, reading the news on his phone. Go and piss off, man. No way. So he's probably got, um, so I've got mates who they've got fucking Sky News alert.

Alert. On their phone and you're with them. It just goes like, do, da, da. That's depressing in it. Horrible. Horrible. I haven't looked at the news for years.

Awful. Yeah. But you don't read it well. Yeah. I think they're having sex too often. I think they're having sex too often. It's become boring. Open and a letter is...

You could have given me a thousand guesses and I would never have got open in a letter. I hope it was like a summons. Number four. It's my absolute favourite, which I think should be in sarcastic. Picking a spot on his back whilst inside me. How?

So he's one arm He's having sex with her And he's squeezing a spot on his back Must be I don't actually know I think it was a female If I remember from the thing This goes beyond dick

It says Luckily he's handsome Well off And he's a great father But come on Alright Wow You can't have them all can you

Wow Sacrifices Wow I know But really You shouldn't be doing Any of them things Whilst you haven't

I just can't. Or maybe, maybe, yes. This is a prolonging exercise. Maybe he's, you know, it's not like Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day to keep himself going longer. Okay.

Maybe he gets, we might have him wrong, he gets so into sex, he gets so excited that he's inch quick, soup a dick, can't come quick, boom, straight away. Right. Instead, takes his mind off it. Okay.

You know, instead of counting or whatever, he's, you know, he's opening letters. He's checking the news. Squeezing the spot. Squeezing the spot, that might be like, like literally trying to concentrate on something else. He's being dexterous with his fingers. I think you're being too nice.

I think you're being too nice. I think he's not that into it. It's one of the other. There's no middle ground here. He either is not that into it and thinks, I need this to be over because I need to get me work. I need to get me work. I mean, getting the work clothes out in the joke

are the only two that I can't, I can't defend them. And I'm really annoyed that. doesn't put that joke down. I know, I wonder what it was. What joke would you do? Mid-thrust. Mid-thrust?

I don't know. It would have to be sex-related, wouldn't it? Well, I'd do my favourite one. The mushroomed one? No. What's your favourite one? Why the prawn leave the disco? No, as he pulled the muscle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is good. Don't ever tell me a joke during sex. Listen, because I will... Do not tell me how to live my life or perform. At least that's one thing that comedians, don't think too. I don't think you tell jokes you're doing sex. Very rarely. Yeah. He's not too busy

thinking about you. You're thinking about yourselves. Yeah. Probably. Well, I'd probably be like, I don't know, what's yeah, um, what's white and hot. This! I'm finished it now, but all over. Open my letters. Get my clothes out. Check the news.

This is horrible. This is horrible. I don't know what you're going to do about that, by the way. Why? To the person who wrote this, I don't know what you can do about that, because I would not be happy with that. Remove all distractions. I'm sorry, what? No?

Remove all distractions. Well, no. Tie him up. I'd leave him. I'm telling you, he's doing other stuff to not jizze a media. Okay, well, Chris has been a lot nicer than I am. I think he's a dick. But anyway, you go.

I've heard he's handsome and well off, so I'm trying to stay his good side. Well, okay, fair enough. All right. How well off? Call me. Yeah, fuck it. I'm sick of work with me. You can do what you want.

Retire tomorrow. The worst bit would be if there was a letter for her and he opened it accidentally. Oh, sorry, love, this is for you. He's put them on a pile. Listen, if I can retire tomorrow, you could be, you could go outside and check the post box. This man is a fucking hero.

This man is amazing. He's a marvel of modern masculinity. How? They see MenCon multitask. My man. Well done. Babadoo, babadoo, babado, babado, ba. Do do do do do do.

Thank you once again for listening and watching Shagmrandoid. It's so wonderful to have you part of our little life. Yes, it is, thank you so, so much. If you want to get in touch, she's trying to hold my hand again. She's got tan on her hands all clammy.

If you want to get in touch at Shagmariroatj.com or you can go back and find the WhatsApp number, which I need to remember, but I don't even know your number, darling. Get off my hand, it's really weird. Wow. I don't know your number. I don't know your number.

If there's any, I need to remember your number. or a situation, I'm not bitter the ring if I haven't got my phone, and my phone runs out of battery. So I remember that, and I remember the WhatsApp number. I'll probably get them mixed up, I might accidentally give you a number on here. We'll see what happens. Shout my ownode at Gmail.com if you want to get in touch. We'll be back in the ears and your eyes next week.

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