Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Mock the Week, Hotel Parties, and will Chris Weep or Faint?

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris has returned home a very tired guy! He has some hotel party beef and could potentially either weep or faint... The couple discuss Rosie's exercise injury, Lynx Africa and there is a coffee cup dispute! Questions from the public cover some mystery liquid, an HP Sauce Bottle and a getting ready ick. There's also some voice notes that include a reverse ick and a weather app invention! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married and Oide. Lots of us moaning about being old. We are doing some proper old person moaning. It's all right. We're going to bloody pull the sticks out of her arces. Chris is very tired. I'm a tired little teddy bear. But Rosie has got me back for once.

You're welcome. Coffee beefs. Both coffee-related beefs. It tells you where we are in life. And as always, questions and voice notes from you, lovely lot. Enjoy. Visit BetMGM. and check out the newest exclusive.

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Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg. Hello, you are listening and watching, Shagmary Mnoy with me, Rosie Ramsey, my husband, Christopher Ramsey, still married, still going strong. Yay. Bladdy, bloody, blah. Bladdy, blah.

Next month, it'll be 12 years. Am I right? Wow. Yes? 2014. Uh, yes. 2014 and we got married. So yes, next month.

12 years. That's insane, isn't it? Well done. Well done. Well done. Hello, everyone, by the way. Hi. You got a chance to say hello.

Yeah, well done. Well done. If you're knocking around the old 12 years as well, or even if one year, or even if you're not with anyone. Well done for everything you're doing. I'm proud of you. Yep. And neither of us.

Not that I know of, scratch that itch. No. That seven-year itch. We didn't. The seven-year itch was a thing, wasn't itch? I mean, I was... We're nearly double. I was itchy. But I didn't scratch.

I'm totally joking. You know, you get some cream, I've told you. Now, listen. We're going to crack straight on, and I'm going to explain why, right? Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching. If you're watching on YouTube, please consider subscribing.

That would be lovely. I've got to catch Mr. Beast. He's on 500 million subscribers. Got to catch him. Well, good luck with that old... Social media ban. Catch them. Oh yeah, good point.

Goodbye, Mr. Beast. Yeah, well, I'm not. I think it'd be fine. But listen, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor. It's why I feel groggy.

It's why I'm tired. It's why I feel like a little bit like this as a dream and I wanted to be over with so I can go and have some sleep. It's this week's sponsor is, hi guys, party back at my hotel room after whatever fucking shit hole we've been to. By the way, it's right next door to Chris Ramsey's

hotel room and we'll just have a music. blaring all night. Horsholes. So bad. I'm raging. So I did Mott the Week yesterday. Mott the Week, by the way, if Mott the Week was the sponsor, Mock the Week would be Mock the Week.

Three days of panicking, three hours of laughter. I know. You are shitting your pants. Shitting my pants. It was really strange to witness. Do you know the last time I did Mott the Week, one of our friends, Michael, of Michael and Chloe, phoned me in the dressing room to tell me

Chloe was pregnant with their first child. And how old is? She's 12. Yeah. That's the last time I did, well, it's not because the program finished. No, no, no, it kept going for ages. I've upset someone.

I think you upset someone. I think I was a pain in the ass. I might have just been a pain in the ass. Or might have just not been the right fit. Like, you know, I don't know. I think you upset someone. Probably. But I'm back.

And all is forgiven and we had a lovely time. And if they, as you listen to this now, it'll have been on a Wednesday just before the England match, which is obviously tonight as we record this. But yeah, it's, um, Three days of absolute panic. Yeah. Absolute genuine fear.

I've never... So, again, you know how... You know how I went into the Traitors podcast, even though I hadn't seen Traitors. So I went to... I agreed to do about the week, even though I legit haven't watched the news since 2020. You...

Can I tell them... No. Yes, go on then. You said to me... Yep. Who's Andy Burnham? Yeah, because I kept getting emails of news stories about a guy called Annie Burnham, and I was like, you the fuck's it.

Once I saw he saw he said, photo, I recognised him and it all clicked. I just wasn't away of his name. I'm jealous. I live under a fucking rock. But then I don't understand what you're upset about all the time. You don't know about anything. I'll get myself wound up about politics and I have to like take a step back for a day or two. And then I get upset again.

But you're just a bit angry sometimes. And I'm like, what about? Like, you don't know anything about the world. I do know some stuff. I just specifically don't follow politics at all. I find it boring. I find it sad. So how did you cope?

Did you just do a lot of smiling and nodding? No, I wrote jokes on what I had jokes on and what I didn't have jokes on, I just laughed at everyone else's jokes. But I literally watched... What? What if you didn't understand it and you weren't meant to laugh in the pant of you

and you're like, ha ha ha ha. And they're like, oh my God, he's laughing. No, but also... Cancel, cancel that man! Well, no, the thing is, the beautiful thing about... The reason I'm doing stand-up again, ummy tour, second leg on sale now for the autumn,

September, October, November, December. Crossamtycombe.combe. The reason I love doing stand-up now again, and the reason I really enjoyed doing Mottler Week was, on this podcast and on all podcasts, people take the media and people take what you say as, oh, this is their opinion. Whereas on Mott the Week, you know it's a joke.

I said some shit yesterday that I don't agree with at all, but it was a joke. Like, they're jokes. No, but they're just jokes. Do you know what I mean? But I stayed away from all the political stuff, one, because I don't understand it, too, because it makes us sad.

Three, because I don't know who most of them are. But, you know, all the other stuff is fine. Anyway, listen, so I did not the week. Great fun. I was fantastic. Went to my hotel afterwards. Oh, Mr. Ramsey, we've upgraded you.

They never upgrade you when you're there for more than one night. Yeah. You're there for one night. Oh, I've upgraded you to a massive suite with a balcony. Fucking pointless. I'm literally going straight to bed. I got in at 11 o'clock.

I went to sleep about midnight at half two in the morning. I just hear a load of fucking people outside my room so they're all piling into some guy's room right next door to mine to the point of way. I thought there was so loud on the balcony with music, I thought it climbed on to my balcony, because this hotel's got a couple of rooms with balconies. And I was just fucking lying there.

And it's that thing of, I totally understand, can you remember like neighbours from hell and that? I understand fully when people would lose their fucking rag and go around with a baseball bat and smash their neighbours' windows in because they were just relentlessly getting tortured.

Totally understand it. Don't condone it, but totally understand it. So I'm lying there in bed and I can hear them, and I'm like, I can hear the music, I'm hearing them talking. There must have been 20s in. people in his room. It was crazy, right? How did that was a bloke?

Because I'll get to that. Well, I don't. I'm assuming. I'm assuming it was a bloke. I'm just assuming. Because of how, I'll tell you. So they were playing all these different music. I was going to lean over the battle at one point and say two things. One, stop it. Two, can I have your playlist?

Because it's genuinely good music. Oh, okay. So what kind of music was it? At one point it was a, there was a teenage word and then the old folks wished them were. So, oh, I like them a little bit more now. Still, still a bunch of tossers. Still a bunch of c-cunds. Sorry, didn't mean to drop the seabum.

But yeah, I hate them. I hate them for you. Thank you. Solidarity. Good, but good music. I thought I would have been like, so it changed to that once everyone left and there was one person left on their own as I,

so again, I'm skipping ahead because you're not letting us tell me story. I don't, well. So I don't like, I phone reception and I was like, the room next to was making loads of eyes. They're like, we'll send someone. Oh, snitch. Oh, God, honestly.

And I'll tell you why. Yes, Brazilian Judiciary Blue Belt Probably should have knocked on the door And gave some hell But the thing is, if you knock on the door Or if you hang over the balcony and say something I get like a burst of adrenaline And I would never have slept again anyway

So I'm like, right, so I've gone on. And also not worth it. I told you about the video I watched the other day. Sometimes, it was a police officer And they were just like sometimes Even though you seem like an absolute pussy in the moment, sometimes just walking away from a confrontation

It's the safest thing to do Because you know what it is, fight with this random stranger or die. I mean, I would have just went back to my room and shut the door. Yeah, but they could have stabbed you.

Through the door. What they got? Could it open the door? Stabbed you really quick. Yeah. Shived you right there and then. There it is. You're dead on the floor.

Yeah. And they're just like, well... Still dancing. Still dancing about you. There was a teenage wedding and then we've just killed some bloke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been the news for three weeks.

And then... I doubt I'd get three weeks. There's a lot going on. And I wouldn't get three weeks. So, I, yeah, I just sort of lay there. So from half, two till basically half four. I just lay

there gutted. I had the half seven train booked and I thought fuck this and I went on the LNAR website and I just found that I was like, first train out of London's 548 I was like, here we go! So I got up and as I left I opened the balcony door and stuck me head out and someone on the balcony was chain

smoking and the music had changed to like So they were still up at 10 past 5 that prick it was definitely a bloke was sitting on the balcony smoking. Fuck. And obviously I took, I did my classic,

I took his do not a disturb sign off the door. Good. That's gone. Good. So someone will knock him up at some point. We did think about calling the room. I was going to,

so I said on my way out, I said, can you call rooms from outside? And they went, yeah, and I went right, okay. And I thought, I'm going to ring him at like nine o'clock and be like,

better than that. Well, also, they'll go, What's his name? And I'll go, hello, my friend is in room, such and such. Can I, can you put us through? They'd go, what's his name? I don't know.

But like, do you know what blows my mind? Because I'm sitting here being like five o'clock. I used to sit up below five o'clock in the morning. You still would if you got the chance. You still, you still, you stay up or two or three. Well, we can, right? But that's in my own home. I'm not disturbing anyone because I'm not an arsehole.

Yeah. But like, that's a nice hotel. That's an expensive room. Yeah. You're talking central London, right? Yeah. For the smallest room in that hotel, it's about £400 a night. Yeah, it's crazy.

It's crazy expensive. So these people... But they were all in the hotel. But they were all in the hotel. well because they're all just privileged little bastards well the Brady's fucking door shut at one point your whole room shut they all left the Brady's door shut and they all went to their rooms crazy at them well do you want to honestly if you're not listening you're really upset my lad he's had no sleep he's absolutely shattered he'd had a really hard day at work he was really stressed

so you know what it is I fuck up fuck you and I hope I really hope that something I just hope you trip down the stairs I hope you stand on a plug yeah I hope he's stand on a plug I hope you get indigestion and you can't get rid of it all day. Yeah. Lie down and it hurts. Yeah, I hope you've got a wind. I hope it travels up to your shoulder and you have to go to hospital. Oh, wow, that one.

That one. Because you've really upset, my lad. So shame on you. And I fell asleep on the train on the way back and I hurt me neck. And he's hurt his neck. And I asked for a baking sandwich on the train and they forgot it and I had to get off. And the people have forgot his baking sandwich. That's getting pathetic now.

I've got you back, darling. I feel like I've took you down the street. you'd holding your hand to the bully's house and you're standing on the drive show. I'll do it for you. Thank you very much. I've got your back there. It's 12 years.

Here's to 12 more years. This is how I would do it. 12 years. But no, I feel your pain because it's just the worst thing. Worst thing. Mine was when I did comic relief. Or the rang your hotel room.

The fucking person from the room service rang us at midnight. He was like, was it the seeded bread? And I was like, what? I haven't ordered anything. I don't think? I unplug my phone. And then, well, now I do.

And then I just didn't sleep. So I did comic relief on two hours sleep and I was so upset. Anyway, so I totally get it. But wankers who are just loud. So I've never been that person. I've always been annoyingly conscientious. Yeah, yeah.

To like, to a fault sometimes because actually I think I was a bit of twat when I was younger. And if people, me friends were being loud, I'd be like, guys, we should probably be quiet now. Yeah, I was a boy, yeah. I've left house parties

because people in the, people in the building have complained and the needs have refused to turn the music down and I've gone right I'm going I'm going on my stick left for the rules like I just think when you like I remember how it was at how's part you want to me mate was like paid for that room like yeah well I was at house party want to me it was like the person from downstairs came upstairs and knocked no like you're being really latin he's like oh you always knocks and I want well you're always loud then I want if you can hear you you can hear you and you're loud like and they've got kids like what the fuck so yeah anyway you know I don't know but it was um it was

just it was just one of them things where and the thing is I'm not I'm not scared of knocking on that. I'm trying to explain this to you. I'm not scared of knocking on the door or leaning over the balcony and blokes being like, fuck off, mate, because I can handle that

if it was like, fuck off, mate. It was like an argument with a guy. I'm always just, I don't know what it is, but it's like the schoolboy and is. I'm always frightened that I'm going to knock on the door and it's going to be women

and they're going to go, oh, get a life, man, you boring old twat. Is that what is? It's worse if it's women. If it's men, at least sitting, have a shout back, or maybe have a fucking scrap.

But if it's women and they're like, Oh, what? We'll just listen to music. You're pathetic. Go away. I'd feel fucking microscopic. My dick would go inside my body. Do you know what though? I think I would be fine with it up until about midnight. Like genuinely, I'd be like, all right, fair enough. Everyone wants to have a nice time. But after midnight, I'd be seething. So Carl, this has happened to call before. And Carl has a, and I was going to do it this morning, but I didn't bother. But Carl's before, he's turned his hotel TV on and he's put it full. No, he didn't turn his TV on. He had a blue, speaker in the room and he hooked his phone up to it and he blasted some album he went down for breakfast and he came back up and the album was still blasting and I was like it's great you're getting that person back but then other people there could be there could be people above

you Peter below you but anyway look all I'm saying is if you're in a hotel first of all hotels stop giving if I when I walk in a hotel and I see that as standard there's a Bluetooth speaker in the room stupid fucking idea stupid idea if I see by the side of the bed there's ear plugs a lot of pro tells do that I already know okay I'm in a hard time here, I'm not coming back here. If you're in a hotel and you haven't people back in your room, well, just, you know, keep the fucking noise down or maybe just stop at like 1 o'clock in the morning.

That'd be nice. God, we're old as fuck. Yeah, we are old as fuck. Just enjoy yourself, kids. Fucking ignore me. Ignore me. Look the bags under my eyes, man. I look 85.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I need a Rennie. A couple of bastards. We had to fight about the jingle. We couldn't set a lawn. Jing-Do-Ding-Goo So this is the

Jing-go J-D-D-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Bab-D-Bab-do-Bab-Dub Bhab-Dub-Bah. Jingo! Hello! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode Shagam I'm paranoid. Hello.

I did some arm exercises, two days in a row. Yeah. Just a YouTube thing, this Irish lass, but with 5KJ weights. Yeah. And it was just sort of like arm raises and all this kind of stuff. I swear to God. I can't move. Really?

Like, it's ruined me day yesterday. Stephen Bartlett. Are you, are you the opposite of Stephen Bartlett? Not having three glasses. You did some exercise and it's ruined your day. Stephen,

we've found it. You know in Unbreakable, where Bruce Willett, where Samuel L Jackson's, the guy who can break his bones just by like sneezing and Bruce Willis and he has to find his opposite.

You're Stephen Bartlett's opposite. Because I did the exercise without those glasses of wine and I can't move. No, honestly, yesterday I had such a bad day because I was just, I was in agony. And then it's still not great today. I'm going to have to do it again.

Yes. So you do it again with lighter weights. I do need light of weights. I do it like her weights. So there's them ones on the back of the pelot. She did it with a six. Because she's a professional YouTube exercise. You know what you like?

You need to stretch. You need to stretch afterwards. Yeah, I did stretch. Again, old bastards, hate people partying hotels. Strathing. You need to stretch after one. Every single time I do jit-suituit. every single time

I see them all on the mat stretching after a rhod and I go, I'll just go home I'll be fine I'm never fine I can't move for days I need to tell you something

and it's been bugging me for years but I think it's because I'm mentally ill right do you know jujitsu yes every time you say it it really upsets us

because it's spelled J-I-U isn't it yeah so in my head every time you say it I say J-U J-U

in your head because it's just like not it should just be J-U like J-U J-SU it's just something that happens but I've stopped

saying BGG because people think it's BG. I'll stop saying BG because people think it's BG. Anyway, that's not important. I said Jits for a bit and people didn't like to see Jits. is disgusting. It just sounds like coming. It's just like JIS. Look, I'll be, going to be honest.

It's very homosexually charged. The entire thing from start to finish. So gay. That video you shared. Yeah. That was gay porn. Yeah. Tell that with the guy underneath.

Again, sounds even gear. There's a, there's one of the best guys in the world. called Craig Jones, he brought out a rash guard, a T-shirt, and you know, you know,

what would you mean best guys in the world? Do you mean a jiu-jitsu? Yeah. Oh, he's not like me best, he's not my favorite. He's not my favorite human.

He's one of the best guys in the world. He's one of the best, he's one of the best, he's one of the best, he's one of the best guys of jitoo. He brought, you know, you know Mountain Jew,

the drink. He's brought out a rash guard and it's, it's the same colors. But instead of Mountain Dew, it says mountain dudes. Because you mount, You mount them, mountain dudes.

Great. Someone wore one at our gym and got fucking torn to shreds. It's really funny. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. Brum's just like, ah! Bands, bans, bans. Yeah, yeah, bans, bans.

Listen, speaking of awfulness, another thing that really upset me yesterday. Oh, is it, are we just turned, are we mourners now? Yeah, but listen to this, but listen to this, because we've encountered something like this before, but we were on, I was on the, God, stop stretching yourself. I was on the train yesterday, and there was these two guys, and they were sitting chat to each other.

And I just heard one of them out in nowhere. I just heard him go, Lynx Africa. And I'll have my headphones on, but I think the thing I was watching must have went quiet. Oh no, I was writing jokes. I didn't,

I wasn't watching anything. And I heard Lynx Africa. And I was like, right? I thought, why has he said, I've never heard anyone say a Lynx Africa for years. Yeah. Back in the day,

big fan of Links Africa. And, yeah, we're going to reach the links phase soon. Well, his mate went, oh, Lynx Africa. And I was like, why are they seeing Links Africa? And then I just heard.

and I thought surely not and then I saw through the gap he handed it his mate he went oh yeah and the pair of them on the train doused themselves

absolutely no any any smelling thing would be awful I mean I'd be honest with it I hadn't smelled for some time I got a lovely blast of nostalgia when I got hit by the first wave

I got the first wave of it and then it took over the entire cat but I just and I got off and I walked past him and I wanted to go we're getting up five minutes later. I want to go,

could you not have done that in the toilet? Could you not do what in the... Why? Why am I being hotboxed? Because I... Why are you changing,

turning this carriage into a teenage boy's bedroom? What are you doing? Because all the pricks have had kids who are now pricks. Yeah. Everyone who used to hang around

with who when you were younger who would just do shit and you go, have you never been told off in your life? Yeah. They've all had kids and they don't tell their kids off

and then they've had kids and they don't tell their kids off. Sorry, that's... No, just everyone... You've got... gone too many, you've gone one generation in the future. Dicks. Dicks have kids. Yeah.

Dicks have kids and then, you know. Welcome to biology with Rosie. I'll just do you correctly there. It's a dick and a vagina. But then again, our kids then watch kids be dicks and then look at us and go, how come I'm not allowed to do that? And I'm like, because I'm the strict mom. There it is.

There it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This episode is brought to you by L'OORUBORUB. Beauty is a powerful force that moves us. That's why L'Oreal Group has built a business that is inclusive at its heart with 100% of its brands championing diversity. With 25,000 professional opportunities for people under 30 worldwide and 54% of leading positions held by women, diversity is a strength that helps Loreal Group create the best beauty products for all people. Visit Loreal.com to learn more.

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up. That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Speaking of our kid, Robin said something the idea,

which irritated me, but I think it's going to, I think it's going to wind you up quite a lot. So obviously no, you weren't there. So obviously he's, you know, he watches things on telly and he saw, of players on computer games, not loads.

We're really sort of dialing back how much he goes on stuff. But obviously, you know, he inhabits his own little world. And he just said something in a day where I thought, you haven't even learned the real, you're not, right, basically. We're talking about, he likes a bit of hip-hop now and then, and I put Kanye West on.

He knows all the words to all the M&M songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clean versions. No, and also there was another song that he knew all the words to, and I actually had his friend in the back of the car, and I had to get him to turn it off because I was like,

you probably shouldn't know the words of these, but I don't want... It's stronger by Kanye West. Yes. Net, N, don't kill me. You know, all the words and it's not that appropriate for the stage.

So the first verse has an F and two S's in, and then there's no swearing for the rest of it. Anyway, so then I put, I put through the wire on, which was obviously Kanye West's first breakout song, which is when he had a car accident, and he wrapped the whole thing because his jaw was wired up,

and he does the whole thing through his jaw, and I paused it. I said, listen to where he's talking, Robin. Like, he did this, he got his jaw broken, he did this whole thing. And he went, oh, he went, so he was rapping while he had a broken jaw. I went, yeah, he went, right.

When was this? I went, well, this came out when I was in college. He went, right, he went, so, so has it regenerated now? What did he, what did he mean? I went, what? He went, has his jaw regenerated?

I went, do you mean healed? Oh, fuck me. You went, yeah. I went, it's he, I went, it doesn't reject, I went, it heals. He's living in a computer game. Yeah, fucking ready player one. Yeah, fuck me.

Has it regenerated? He stood under a, doctor, doctor. Will it regenerate? Stand under that beam of light. If you get enough points, it will. Fuck me, man. Oh, that's grim, in it. I was like, oh God.

Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo, bab. So I haven't told you this. I very rarely get triggered by things or get really upset by things. Something happened. There's two things recently that. You know, when something goes through, you're like nails on a chalkboard. Like two things recently went to, oh, God, even thinking about it, I'm messing on my hands. So when I was coming back from the golf trip, I must have been a bit tired, a little bit like, you know,

I had a couple of days of drinking and we've been playing golf and been traveling. And something came up on my Instagram and I don't know what it was. And I never want to search for it again. I never want to see it again. But it was like it must have been an AI. So you know, like, if you look over behind you there, anyone in the room, I'm pointing at, anyone on YouTube, you can't see it either.

Basically, I'm pointing at the radiator valve. Can you see the radiator valve? So like a pipe, that's like a right angled pipe valve, right, with a screw either side, right? So just imagine the right angle, L-shaped bit of pipe. Right. There was a video of someone and they had the hands out. It was just the hands in front of them,

and they had somehow, whether there were trick ones and they opened up like Kinderregs, but they had right angled pipes on each knuckle. So all of their knuckles were at like a 90 degree angle and they were moving them in front of the camera and I'm not kidding, I felt physically sick.

I don't think that's real. A couple of days. It had us for a couple of days and I was like, I kept holding me hands and I was trying to go to bed at night and I was thinking about it and it was properly affected us, right? and there's one thing that went through

was more than this and I don't know if you're aware that our son did this the other day you're away, he lost his tooth yeah he came out of school and he went dad he had a wobbly tooth he came out of school he went dad me tooth and I told you it would come out

and I told you it would come out today and in front of us in the yard you know how they're really sharp on the bottom he fucking put it back in his mouth he did that to me as well oh my god I literally was like

oh I went robin I was like get it out I was like, like, and his mate was going, what a matter? And the mate's dad was going, what's a matter? I was going, he's putting his suit. He's putting so fucking. Just because they're so sharp. They're like, like, it's like,

that wouldn't have bothered me. I nearly left him there and drove home without him. It was horrendous. And I was just like two things that just got right in the insides. I keep forgetting, he's getting little teeth that he's coming back. You know what? You would have hated. There was a girl I went to school with a comp.

She did something, I don't know, what the fuck she did to her hand. Um, but you had like a castor. on a cast but then a fingers it had like string there was like bits of string on this thing on like a machine like a metal thing with loads of bits of string

oh my god so she just had basically had like this hand reconstructed so there'd be there must have been pins and stuff in it and then stuff coming out yeah I think so it was so mad it was fucking mandolin it was insane it was insane to look at and I think she must have got sick of people because I was just like

bless that so her hand must have been like crushed or something I don't know I can't remember what happened? I think her name was Gemma. I would never have... I would never... I would have asked her and I would never have forgotten what happened.

No, I have no idea what happened to her, but I just remember... When you were talking about the knuckle thing, I remember that a hand... And I remember... All I can see is me looking at it in her face, kind of like... Stop looking at it.

And you'd have stayed, you were the kid, yeah. But then we've talked about him years ago who ran in the warning bro of his arms. Yeah, I love him. Rugby goal. Love him. Yeah. Funny. Love him. So yeah, but yeah, bless you.

Sorry, I genuinely, I never do a trigger warning or whatever or an apology for stuff like that, but if that goes right through you as well and me talking about it was ruined your day, I apologize because I've ruined my own day and I'm dead tired. I could pass out. Oh, darling. I could pass out.

Stay tuned. I might pass out. Look at the fucking state of us on that YouTube, on that camera. I could have put some makeup on you, you know. Well, why did you see? How dare you let me come in a public forum right this? You look, oh, you look lovely to me. Got your back man. To me.

And you, whoever you were, keeping my lad up last night, I'm absolutely fuming. I'm fuming with you. Better not cross my door, sunshine. Because I'll fucking knock you out. He probably not be up yet.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for, what's your beef. What's your beef? What's your beef? I'm going to go canny because you're tired. Oh no, come on. That's fine. It's a canny one anyway.

It's a nice one. It's a canny. Okay. Okay, so my beef with you is... Too good looking, too understanding. Too much of a good listener. Too funny. No, none of them.

In too much good shape. Too athletic? Stop it, darling, because it's just awful. You are just like... I don't even know how to describe it. You just can't get out your own way and you're irritating for being kind. Anyway, listen,

I ground a coffee So this is a big thing I like a different coffee cup Right From my morning coffee cup To me second morning coffee cup It's been the same for a long long time No the green mum's in circulation for a while

Yeah but then it changed the white one So once it changes I don't go back It's changed All right So get with the programme But do you know what this is Okay so this is the bigger picture You get so irritated right

That I have different cups and you wind yourself up and you're literally like, oh, for fucking fuck, I don't ask you to make that second coffee. Right. So this is... You get annoyed at me about changing my cup

about a cup of coffee that I haven't asked you to make. Yeah. So I ground a coffee today because I was going to make myself a coffee and then Chris was at the machine and he went, I'll do it and I went, oh, thank you so much.

That's really kind. And then he picked out my morning coffee cup and I went, it's not that cup and you went, oh! Ha! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

It's really sad getting told off or something that you didn't actually ask for in the first place. I might not have done that if I wasn't as tired. Okay. No, you do it quite often. Every time you have to get a different coffee cup, you're literally like, oh. It's just the weird rules.

But I get it because I don't like a certain, I had to buy some new coffee cups of the idea because I brought them. I hate them coffee cups. But they're the ones I drink over. I know, but I just don't like the colour of them. And I thought we broke two of them. So I was like, these are going.

These are going. And you've restocked. Wow. So you've, you've restocked. been breaking them on purpose. I had a grey one and two green ones. There you go grey. Yeah, but I've bought a new one.

The most disgusting colour now. The most disgusting colour in the land. I bought your new colour. Your new favourite colour, mustard colours. Got two mustard ones. They're nice. I'll get your burgundy. I get your burgundy ones.

I've got that. You love burgundy. I just like pastel. Listen, my beef with you is coffee related. On the same lines as things that upset us and go right through us.

you have your coffee in a morning in a speckled cup I know that one, speckled cup and you sit with your little manky little under eye patches on your little gel under eye things hashtag self-k yeah and then I go to get your coffee cup to put it in the dishwasher so many times I don't realize

you've took your mankly little eye things off and you've dropped them in the dregs of coffee that are left in the cup and I put it into the dishwasher and it falls it and I don't realize it's there something. times is what I'm saying. I do.

Every time it's going to be there. Oh, no, you do, yeah. So then I have to open the dishwasher and fish it out. Like, it's fucking, it's like getting bits of skin out. Well, it's awful. Just pour the actual remnants down the sink.

It's like, it looks like you've gone and just done a big horrible grammar into the cup. It's minging. And I can't pull the remnants down the sink because there's coffee in it. I can't pour, sorry, because the little squidgey pads are in it. So what's the,

right? So do you want us to stop putting them in the cup? Yes. Or can I keep putting them in the cup and just know that they ain't put them straight in the bin? That's second one and never happen. Well, okay, okay, I'll choose. Okay, I'll choose.

Okay, I'll choose. Okay, I'll choose. Here's my choices, and this is why none of these choices are real. The first one, you'll say, should I stop put them in the cup? You'll stop putting them in the cup, but you'll just put them on the bench next to the cup, and I'll still have to deal with them.

Nobody is asking you to deal with any of this. If I don't deal with them, right, okay, can we also say, no, they'd be a pile of them. This is what I, this is what I hate about being married. Stop putting time constraints on my life. Like, just let us do that

And I will move that coffee cup It's just not at the time that you want it moved Okay Okay We've left today You've left a glass on my dressing room floor But do you feel bad about it? Am I gonna make you feel terrible about it

Or will I just take that glass downstairs And never mention it again One, you mentioned it twice now And two, I haven't stopped thinking about it Nobody is asking you to do any of this. It's not like I'm literally like wash out that coffee cup

and get rid of my eye patches. Like no, just let us live my life. It's like, it is like living with your parents again. There you go, being married is like living with your parents. If I let you live your life and I didn't move them coffee cups, it would be like the end of signs where there's cups all over the place and I realise that the reason you've left them

is because the aliens are allergic to coffee and eye patches and I have to smash all the cups to get rid of the alien. It's absolute bullshit. It's true. It's not. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true.

It's not true. Pigsty. It's bullshit. It's bull. Hate it. Fucking hate it. Hate me married. I don't know.

I just hate parts of it. I just hate... Twelve years. Next month. Twelve years of hate. It's coming. Babadoo, babadoo. It's time for questions from the public.

Why the gun effect? I don't know. I'm sorry. Are we allowed to do guns anymore? Oh, I don't feel like. It was a Nerf gun. There we go. Yeah, there you go.

Sort of. Right. Come on. This first question. Oh, no, hold on. What? Public announcement. As always, if you want to get in touch,

a chag, married in order at gmail.com. And if you want to send a voice note, it is 07-874-40-66-50. All of that information is on the Apple podcast apps and possibly the Spotify one as well. I haven't checked it for a while. Lovely, thank you. This question, I have got voice notes.

I'm going to do them in a minute. This question is going to upset you. A question or a story? The story, sorry. It's going to upset you. But that's fine. Great. I could weep.

I'll weep. Do you want us to weep? We'll see. I'm on the precipice of weeping and faint. Will I weep or faint? Will I weep or faint? Maybe born. Welcome to weep or faint.

Chris Ramsey. Do da, da, da, da. Will he weep or faint? Why do? We always do the blinded tune. I miss blind it. Anyway, Hi, Chris and Rosie.

The highlight of my week is your podcast. That's so lovely that you. And all the disgusting stories that come with it, us too, which in turn makes me feel a whole lot better and normal with this story. Can I just say sorry? I stop you there because this is not a normal story.

Can I just say there as well? I shut my eyes and nodded there so much. You know how hard it was to open my eyes again? I'm a mess. Oh, babe. Right, so the thing this makes them feel normal, but it doesn't. You be the judge of it, okay? I've already judged.

I don't mind about being anonymous. Is this story as well shared? Just keep me anonymous. I've been with my partner for just under two years now. He's 45 and I'm 27. We both enjoy the pub on a Saturday and not shy in having one too many pints. There.

Over the last year, we have found two wet patches on the bedroom floor after nights out. both of us blaming each other on who pissed on the floor. Wow. Found the right person. I know. So, mate. This debate made its way to family members

and is also a regular discussion around the pub table on the bi-weekly Saturday. Oh, fuck. Right, okay. Who was it? Who's going to piss the bed tonight? Piss the floor tonight? At least it's not in the bed. Oh, God, as if I'm giving that as a positive.

of my partner obviously blames me yeah i blame him yeah um i'm a woman can woman create such a perfect puddle of piss on the floor whilst drunk so they so they're so they're each right so that they're so blind drunk that one of them is getting up and pissing onto the floor and they can't work out which one it is because neither of them can remember yeah jesus christ yeah they've got bigger problems i'll be honest with you in a wet floor okay now who is it Is it carpeted? This is... I don't think it is.

I think it's laminated. His defence was weak. And mine was that I am simply too lazy. Not as weak as he's bladder. Am I right, kids? Yeah, you are. Her defence is that I'm too lazy and I would just piss in the bed instead.

What an incredible defence. So there you go. What an incredible defence. One morning, I woke up and had actually pissed the bed. Oh, fuck. The twits. The disgust in these people. These are horrible people.

And instead of feeling shame or girls, I walk with pride. Aha! I thought. Evidence. Proof. Proof that I would just stay in the bed and weigh all over myself.

Wow. I turned to my partner and boasted that I had wet the bed and the patches of piss on the floor was definitely him. Bosted? He's been. Hey, everyone lives a different life. That's funny. We can't shame.

No, no, no. King shame. It's really funny. This also made it to the point. table that Saturday. Jesus. Decision made. It was definitely

him who pissed on the floor. Recently, we went out on the usual Saturday, pub quiz, etc. I awoke in the morning to yet another puddle. Pub whiz. I awoke in the morning

to another puddle of piss on the floor. By my side of the bed. I rolled over and seen my partner grinning yet to ear full of excitement and glee.

I think these two before they go to bed, pissed or like, have another bottle of water. Have another bottle of water. Yeah. You better. Finish. If you've got a water dispense at the bottom of your bed. It's insane.

He explained that he was not as drunk as I was and that I had walked in the night, stood by the bed, bent with elbows resting on the mattress, having a way half stood. When asking what I was doing, my response was, I am waiting.

Waiting for what? Who knows? But the joy had brought him that I was in fact the one who had been pissing on the floor. Wow. See?

They've got to the bottom of it. See, that's the thing. I think her thing of wean in the bed, I don't think that's evidence that she didn't do it. I think that's evidence that she does it every single time.

I think it's evidence that she has the problem. Again, I've said this before. I'm not, I'm not being sexist here. But a lady, the position of a lady wean is the position

of a shit. You're already there. Yeah. You're already at the stage. she's playing with fire here she's going to shit on the floor I'm telling you right now take my advice

you need a way a napie for bed I'll stop getting this pit why are you getting so drunk blind drunk every Saturday I mean don't get wrong I like a drink as much as the next guy but I'm not pissing on the floor what you're doing?

I don't think I've ever pissed myself drunk personally I have vomiting in my bed great you had a little turn on the tramp an either day how did that go? Oh every time I pissed myself I started to run to the toilet didn't you I didn't know what tell you what

that so I was on my period and I had period knickers on so I just had to walk to the toilet whilst but it caught

it was caught in my period knickers so well done me do you think they'd let me come back you'd fit right in you'd sleep the bottom

the bed like a dog do I have to clean this trampoline do I have to give it what no it's caught my period knickers um

and people get really upset because you shouldn't glamourise like pelvic floor stuff but I do try to do my pelvic floor exercises I'm just not very good at it and I just had two massive kids and just fuck me the fuck this. Listen

obviously this made it to the lad's group chat immediately and he told the pub including staff that the mystery pisser was me including showing them the position I was in whilst doing so I thought we shared a lot Christ these are worse than us

I know. I must say I am less than embarrassed, probably more impressed that I managed to gaslight him and his friend for nearly two years, that it was him with the problem and not me. I hope this makes, oh, and this is nice,

because this is for everyone, I hope this makes some bedweters and floor pissas feel a bit better about themselves. Oh, do you know what? Fair enough. Everyone's got their thing, like, you know, it's fine. Yes, I hope that does make them feel better, yeah. You're not alone.

And you and are alone Yeah I should ever thought of puppy pads Puppy pads yeah Or period pants Yeah Tenors There's loads of stuff

Oh just Don't get that pissed Yeah Yeah Yeah Don't tell them how to live their lives At least they're not blaring their music And staying up with God knows when

They're just going to sleep And you know what It's brought them closer To them They've got a funny story for the pub Yeah I mean they probably walk out And everyone goes

them to a fucking lift. Clean the seats. Get the Fabriz in here for that. Oh, the one on the fabric bench this time. Can we stop inviting them? Because they just So, but yeah, but they I guarantee.

Guys, you two have written you've written and listening and your partner, I guarantee in one of your friends' phone you are saved as the pisser. The piss. I guarantee it. Good for them. Babadoo, babado, babo, babo, babo. Babadoo, babo. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Listening to your talk on the podcast recently about how people these days are obsessed with drinking water and how with kids you don't remember drinking much at all, it sparked a memory in me. I'm 50, so my school days were in the 80s and I can still see and smell the square pink plastic lunchbox I ate from through all eight years of primary school. Good God. Wow. I don't think you meant to keep plastic that along. Got your money's worth out of that. My drink wasn't water.

It was Robinson's barley water But my mom sent me to school with the drink in Dot dot dot dot dot dot dot An HP brown sauce bottle The square glass one That That Oh my god

I know So she cleaned out I'm sorry right The first Five times You're still tasting HP out of that But to be fair, they're bloody good bottles. I mean, yeah.

I mean, probably wouldn't send our kids to school with a glass bottle. No, not at all, but 80s one at a different time. Yeah. Like, recycling. Yeah. But yeah, that'll be the chunky glass fella as well. That's so funny.

I wonder if still had the... Do you think the teachers ever looked over and thought, the fuck is going on in that house? Social services would be around if you did that now. If our kids went to school, if we sent one of our kids to school where I wore a bottle, was a fucking Heinz ketchup bottle

I'm an age-free glass bottle. It would be like, get the parents in now, something's happening in that house. Do you think? Yeah. I suppose back then, though. Right then I didn't give a shit. No.

Wow. Great. I would never guess that. Brilliant. I remember, this is so ridiculous, right? But it was just when you were young. And water bottles, do I remember bottles of water weren't really a thing when we were kids? It was like a pure, if somebody had a bottle of water,

it was like, oh, no, like posh. Dead posh. Like, where did you get that from type thing? But I remember when people started using like old Robinson's fruit, like, you know, like blackcurrant. Lads would come to football. And they would fill it up with juice again or like water. And I remember saying it and being like, that's genius.

Yeah. Yeah. Lads would come to football and it would be a big like Robinson's juice bottle and they'd waited until there was just like half an inch rate at the bottom and filled it all the way up. Yeah. It's like, oh my God. I genuinely remember being blown away and I was like,

that is so clever. Look at all our juice. I remember thinking where's the rest of the cold? I thought that's really strong or is the rest of the cordial? Just pooh. A bit simpler times on it?

It really was. Pathetic. Another memory I had is of playing in the woods for hours and hours. We were giving famous we were giving famous five go exploring vibes.

Going home was too far away but there was a church near the woods so we were going there and drink the water from the holy water font at the door. E!

E! That is terrible. I should have now to think what bacteria and deitrious detritus. Stupid. We were consuming. So I'm more concerned about the absolute crimes against God. Well no, God would have wanted

you not to be thirsty. Fair enough. Feeding them for the 5,000. I don't think you'd mind if you have a bit of water. Or she. So it was stagnant water. I mean, it's monkey water. It was stagnant water and everyone going to mass on Sunday. would have dipped their fingers in it on the way and out of church, Manky. Smelly out farmers, sausage fingers.

Do you know that the holy water, when the church that I used to go into, it was just, it was like this lush kind of like thing, like, but it was just a bowl of, it was just like in a plastic thing. Sorry, so there was a big mass of metal ornate bowl, but within that there was a plastic dishwashing ball

with water in. Pretty much. Just like a little ball. Yeah. That's so, Like, oh, just, it cheapens the whole thing. So from a distance, you're telling me, it's like a Game of Thrones goblets. So again, it's like having a lovely sink, but you've got that plastic thing in the inside.

Oh, God. Oh, half holy water. Almost holy water. Whole water. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. I've got a quick reverse egg for you. if you can hear my dog crunching his food. I can.

A bit rogue, you know, if everyone will get out, but I just love it. When they've got roof bars on the car. I'm just like, you do what? That man has his shit together. Where are we going? Grab the top box. Wow.

All right, okay. Absolutely love it. Do you know what screams to me? Family? Yeah. Roof bars on his car. and you're iron up a guy with roof bars, you're going to break up a family.

Right, okay. Is that man, that man's married with kids? Right, okay, you think that. Maybe I might be completely wrong, but it just screams, it screams family to me. Yeah, well, yeah, maybe that's what she's after. I'm not sure. Who knows?

But it's pretty cool, because you know straight away, like, oh, they're active. He's got his shit together. He's got his shit together. I get the roofbox where we're going. Fantastic. Fantastic. God, be still my beating heart.

He's got a certain ladders on it. Oh, I've came. Imagine a roof, roof bars and a bike rack. Oh, bike rack on the back, roof bars on the top. Goodness, great. A trailer? Have you thought any more about the caravan idea? Yeah, not happening.

Not happening. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Oh, my God, Chris, I have had to pull over. I'm driving home from work, but I've had to pull over to send this voice note because I'm just catching up on the last couple of episodes of the podcast, and I could not agree more about the weather. Yes. Honestly, I've got the best idea for this, right? What I don't understand is why they can't put a circle where the weather icon currently is and divide that circle into four and each quarter of the circle represents a different time of day. So obviously if it's got four sun shines on it, you know it's going to be sunny all day. But if it was like sun and then cloud and then rain cloud and then sun, you would know that sort of like three quarters of the way through the day there might be a bit of rain. So at a glance, you're not going to like cry if it's got a massive thunderstorm icon,

but the thunderstorm literally has nothing to do with anything you're doing in that location at that time. I don't know who we need to get this out to, but can we please get this to someone who is in charge of these things? I couldn't agree more. So that we can all just rest a bit easier when checking the weather. Are you with me? I am so with you.

We're with you. Now listen, because I'm so up on political affairs here, Kia Starma is looking like he's on his way out. Andy Burnham is going to make an attempt to be the leader of the Labour Party. get this lady in in front of them two fellas because she is going places. Yeah.

That is the greatest thing I've ever heard. Separate that one icon into four different icons. Do you know, even three icons, sorry, didn't end up there. Even two morning and afternoon, just so you know. Why don't you make a new app? A new weather app? Get in touch with her because you're going to have to give her some money

because it is her idea. Absolutely not. And then... I'm already out. Do a new app. Do we weather app? She gave this idea on a public forum. It's not her idea.

It's in the ether now. what's everyone's. Someone do it. I can't be asked. Someone do it. No, you can't be asked. You haven't got a business mind, have you? No. Can't be bothered. I just do this. When I've had enough sleep. I had a great idea. Like I say, even two, or even three,

morning, afternoon, evening. You know, fantastic. Oh, well done. Well done. Round of applause, that lady. What do you think? Julie. Julie. Do, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Long time, listener first time, email her. found a new ick last night with my partner of 13 years. 13 years. Similar to us, right? Come on then. He gets up at 3am for work and tries his best to be quiet and not wake me up. However, sometimes he fails. Early hours of this morning, I woke up to him standing in front of his chest of drawers

trying to work out which way round. His kegs go by the light of his phone towed. He took, in my opinion, far too long to satisfy himself as to whether they were the right way and put the buggars on. Give me the proper ick of 3 a.m. in the morning while he thought I was. I was in fact still asleep. Fucking brilliant. Poor guy.

No, but no, we've talked about this before. Put your clothes somewhere else. Yeah. Get up. Get out. Yeah, if he knows he's doing it every day,

stick them on a chair downstairs. I'd be so upset. Pile them up in the hallway. I'd be so upset if you were getting ready in the room. Yeah, with a phone torch. Yeah, I get it.

I get it. Yeah, no. It's not happening like. I just imagine. I imagine I just tossing and turn in it's looking over and just looks and he's just trying to find the label. He's got his phone. Maybe phone might be in his mouth

and he's struggling, and he's struggling, he's struggling, he's kegs on, he's just gone, ugh. Disgusting. I just, I will never get sick of icks. I know, I know. I've never, ever get sick of them.

They're just such a window in the sort of, what's the word, like the sort of fallibility and how, like, delicate, fancying someone is and how easily it can be fucking shattered. Oh, just I love it. I love them.

It made me so happy that. And I can see him, I can see him just like. I have to do it. When I put my kegs on, I have never done it by a torchlight. Awful. Poor my bugger. He's only trying to get out and go to work, man. As always, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmary Dinoid.

We'd bloody love having you. And that's yes. How sincere? I always know you do a bit after. I was just going to finish it all off myself. Go on. Look, I'll not even speak. Okay. Come and catch us next week. Same time, same place. We'll see you then. Thank you.

Bye. You get yourself for an app? I will. Bye. All right. Bye.