Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Five

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

On this week's Please Keep Me Anonymous Best Ofs, we're revisiting Chris and Rosie's chats with Rhys James, Suzi Ruffell, Mel Giedroyc, Greg James and Alice Levine! Mel tells all about her BAFTA wardrobe mishap, Rhys is missing a kidney, Suzi is crushing on Mel C and Alice and Greg delve deep into horse anatomy. All this with hilarious stories sent in by you and read by the guests! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Number one sports book for live betting based on available live market data. We had a fight about the jingle Jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle So this is the Jingle Jinggo

We hope you like the Jinggo Jingle Babbado babado do babbo do babbo do babadoo Bhappo do bagu bad do ba Jingo My auntie Oh my God! Yes

Auntie Pam He phoned me one morning When I was on tour I forgot all about this Well I don't know this story My auntie interrupted your comedy show Yes. Yes.

At Weymouth Pavilion. Weymouth Pavilion. And we got you on the radio the next day because she got up and did she drop some drinks? She was a, like a, you know, the person who was working there, wasn't she? Selling out the ice creams and stuff. She dropped a full tree of them while I was on. And I was like, what the hell? And I was like, obviously, not nasty, but give her a bit of grief.

Well, I gave her a lot of grief. Then I realized she was a nice lady who worked there. So the grief got reined in quite a bit. Yeah. Next morning, Greg, James is ringing us up on the, you've been shouting my auntie. All my cousins are like, Chris Ramsey had a go at Pam. I know. I also love the grief batten pedal.

Where you're like, what the, hey, Beth. What are you working? Yeah. She's not. Before they defrosted. What are you like? Oh, get out of it. Yeah.

You look a bit like Greg. She's not. Did she not say it at the time? She didn't. She was very cool. But it was the phone call the next day. Imagine immediately. Leave me alone. I'm Greg James' auntie.

I will drop as much ice cream as I want. He's the goddamn breakfast toast of Radio 1. I can't remember. Did someone get in touch with this? Or did you just ring us or messages off the bell? I think my cousins might have let me know. Yeah, but I'm saying, did you, I don't think my management got in touch. I think you just rang us off the bell. Get me, Ramsey.

Yeah. Not much content, Adie. Ramsey been heckling me, auntie. Are you joking? That is the content we all won. Yeah. Waking up to that is like the dream. Chris Ramsey's had to go at my auntie.

Played the bedroom. Yeah, we cancelled Timothy Shalime. Taylor Swift. Tell us with it. There was no music that day. It was just that. It turned it into five live. Babadu, babadu, babadu, babadu.

Last night you were at the bathtub last night. Yes. Did you leave your backpack on? Yes, I did. To go and give the award to Maryberry. Yes, I did. What do you mean? I've got a very light, little, it's like a, you know, like a school,

bag. So it's got a drawstring. Like a GD Sports drawstring bag. Yes. You get your trainers in. Yeah. Yeah. So my niece made it for me.

I love my niece. Another niece, not the climbing wall knees. Oh, okay. Yeah, fuck her. She met. You never seen her. Dead to all of us.

Yeah, carry on. Sorry. This niece, Rosie, is her name. She's super talented. She made that bag for me when she was 14 years old. Oh, that's lovely. That's sweet. She's brilliant.

with a sewing machine. Do you know what I mean? She's just got that talent. I love that. Anyway, so I always wear the backpack. It's just part of life every day. Gorgeous. Anyway, you've been to these awards dues and they're delightful.

They can be absolutely great. But it's like it's mayhem, isn't it? Yeah, it's horrible. Thousands of people backstage. Chaos. And I get a bit funny if I leave my stuff. I kind of think, will I find it again? Yeah.

I mean, it'll get moved. It'll get moved. Will I get home? I've got my keys in there. And there's actually something I'm trying to learn. There was just a piece of paper and I had to learn some words. And I thought, well, I need, you know, anyway. Yeah, of course, of course.

So I kept it with me at all times. And then I just popped it on the back, forgot about it. Went from, you know, pillar to post. And blow me down. Literally, Greg Davis went, and Mel and Sue. Two steps onto the stage. And I thought, the backpack's on. I thought, yeah, it's too late.

A white suit. With feather trim. And I just thought, let's just, let's get on with this. Did you mention it at all? Yes, I did. Okay. I got to the lectern and I thought it's going to look really odd because there are two bits of quite dirty rope. Just sort of.

I need a watch. I haven't watched it yet. Across the pristine. We'll get the pictures up here as you're watching now on YouTube. We'll get this up. We'll get the images up. That's brilliant. Oh, you're keeping it real.

Do you know? Keeping it menopausal, I would say, Rosie. It's just that anyway. Sometimes you've just got to go with it, haven't you? Yeah. Do you know what? Humanize. Everyone's a human.

Like, sometimes these things, they become where people aren't. And it's all sort of like... Gets a bit sanitised. Yeah. And I love that. I love that. You just left your bag on. So what?

I did. Yeah. I sort of did think... I think Sue made a quip about a security alert or something. I can't remember. I was just, it's all a bit fudgy. Anyway, the phone was on. Everything.

Phone is on. Wow. Anyway, all good. Also, just going back to your notes. Oh, I love your notes like. These are really good. I don't know where you've said these things. Yeah.

You got, you had a kidney removed at 10. Yeah, just a bit. Just a bit? The whole thing. The whole thing. Why? I just fancied it, you know. I didn't have anything interesting about me.

Thought get it out. Get it out. I wanted to be able to go to the toilet whenever I wanted at school and to have a little water bottle on my table. Those are the only luxuries afforded to the single kidney people. It died. It shriveled up and died. Stop it.

It was causing me some issues, i.e. pissing blood sometimes. Cheers. Could it just got braises, couldn't you? Had to get your kidney. Got those as well, thank you. Couldn't just have a lazy eye like everyone else. That's wild.

Wow. Oh, bless you. A 10. Oh, we've got a 10-year-old. That's horrible. That's terrifying. I'm looking out for the bullet. Nosebleeds.

Dude. Huge at the minute. Do you know what I? Huge at the minute? Huge at the minute? I don't want to point fingers here, but you look like you were a nosebleed. Noosebleed kid?

You were a nosebleed. Big time. Absolutely. Of course. Big time. I heard all the tricks. It was like the sort of old wives tales of what fixes a nose or what stops a nosebleed.

It's like wet flannel on the back. What are you talking about? It's like when mums are like conkers on the stairs gets rid of spiders. These two things are not in any way connected. The blood's coming out. my nose. Maybe flannel on the nose. Rub a bit of meat on a wart

buried in the garden. As the meat rots away, the wart disappears. Oh my God, is that real? You know, I heard that one? I've never ever heard that one. Shut up, man, really? Speaking as a woman with the current varuga, I could have known about that. How many is that? You said that. The way you said that was like, we should be doing like a drive for you, like a charity gig.

Speaking as a woman with a current varuka. My God. Yeah, I've got, who hasn't got varucas? I've got varucas. Have you? Have you? Why not? I mean, it makes more sense for you to have, because you're presumably at swimming pools with children.

Yeah. You haven't been to a swimming pool for years. No, but the kids have, Robin's some names have Vosga. Has Vruca, hasn't it? You can just catch them from being around the house. Can you? Yeah, like, genuinely start wearing some socks because I've been... You got Baruch on the way.

Oh, you're a big hygiene guy, aren't you? You're a... Do you know what it is? I play fast and loose with it these days recently. Oh, do you? You are really OCD about it back in the day. I used to be when I didn't have kids, yeah. I pay it really really...

It's possible. fast and loose with that. It's not impossible. You used to have a mat next to your bed that you'd scrape your feet on before you got into bed. Is this correct? Yes, that was at the Edinburgh Fringe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, that's because the, you know this. I don't know. No, I don't. You're like, you're so obsessed with not any dirt on your feet being in the bed. Yeah.

So that's because, right, so at the Edinburgh Fringe, I'm sure we spoke about this, Rosie. I don't know about the foot mat. I don't know anything about this. Do as a favour, do as a favour, Rosie. Reese is here.

When I tell you about it, sexually control yourself. They've got a guest. I'd love to see it. When I tell you, please don't throw yourself at us because, you know, wet floor sign. Listen, so I would have, Edinburgh, we'd go to Edinburgh, every comedian, you'd go to Edinburgh Fringe for the summer. And some of the houses were, you know, sort of terraced, big old, you'd love them, sort of old Edwardian Victorian Edinburgh houses with the floor, wooden floors. And you would walk around barefooted for the day, and by the end of the day, you'd just have a look at the bottom of your foot.

And it was fucking scruffy. You're like your fucking chimney sweep. So I would have, by the side of my bed, whatever, you would have towels, I'd have a hand towel on the floor, and I would just use it like a doormat. I would wipe my feet like a little dog. You know when a dog's having a shit

and it like scrapes. Why does wash your feet? Because then I'd have to walk back through. I think they've solved this. I think inventors have solved this issue. It's called socks. Yeah? Sucks. When you said the phrase,

and you'd walk around barefoot all day, I was like, well, I'll stop you there. Yeah. No, you wouldn't. Who's doing that in Scotland? In Scotland. walking around barefoot all day on wooden floor in a student house in Scotland. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

So yes, yes. I did. I used to have my little mat at the side of the bed and I would wait, but yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember I think Jimmy McGee saw a comedian friend of mine, Jimmy McGee saw that and told everyone. No, I don't think I heard it on the rumor mill. I think you told me. I think you explained it was.

I might have been bragging about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you, what was most likely happening is you were slagging off our mutual friend for being unhygienic about something possibly to, do with his foot or something that led to you being like, mate, when I'm in this situation, I do this. Right. And then we were all like, you've come out of this more mad than whatever weird.

That happened quite a lot in my life. I kind of don't mind it though. I'd rather you are clean than scruffy. Yeah, I did once catch Gaby's from an ex-boyfriend's house. What? Yeah, go, Skis. How, do you know for sure that it was from his house? Yeah.

It was a student house. Yeah. That's rough. My caught Scabies off a sore friend. student house as well. Yeah, it might be not the sofa. Is it like, how do you get scabies? They're just on stuff I think.

Like bedbugs type. Sorry, I'm starting to think, but Scapey's not like the lurgy. Scapey's a real one. Have we made that up? Yeah, what is it? No, you're all thinking, skinchies. Skinchies is where

tapping on the window there. Skin cheese is when you don't want to be on. So you've got skin cheese. That's so you can't get scabies. You never heard of skis. Oh, skinches. Like skin cheese. Oh, you know, you know,

you know what are you called knock down ginger and fucking knock a door on? Do you know I found out my last, I had a full tour. We're all over the place. Yeah, I had a full tour and I had a massive routine about Knock the Door Run and Knocked Down Ginger, whatever you call it. You know, my last date, after I'd recorded it for a special and everything, the last day it was in Belfast.

Do you know what they call it in Belfast? No idea. Guess. Actually, I'm not going to guess anything about Belfast. I will not fall into this trap. I'm not going to make any assumptions about Belfast. You've said it. What?

Belfast. No way. No, it's not. I swear to God. I've absolutely had you on there. You've fallen for it. All of that crowd are still laughing at the fact they tricked you into thinking it's called Belfast.

It's called Belfast. As if. I'm telling you. As if it's called Belfast. I swear God. Full crowd. We're like, yeah. I was like,

you call it Belfast? If that's true, that is next. I was like, this is the fucking last night of me tour and I've just recorded it. And I've done it at the Royal Variety. It would have been perfect. This would have been perfect. It's unbelievable.

But yeah, so Skabies. Right. So Shingles is. Is Scabies? It was like a rash, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Skabies is Rass. What's shingles? Shingles is...

Shingles is adult chicken pox. Oh, fuck, yeah. Make you really poorly. Yeah. Right. Because you can get them through stress, can't you? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. But you get Scarebys just off, having sex for dirty students on sofas. Specifically. I can't remember having sex on the sofa, if I'm honest. I think I just sat on it. Prude.

Yeah. Friget. Well, I hate to come on your podcast and call you frigid. but I will. If I have to, I will. I'll go on every podcast around the country and call the host Frigditin if I have to. I'll make that my mission. This is what I want to do. From now on, I want to like have an annual.

I don't have kids, right? So I actually have more time than I give myself credit for it. So I now need an annual project, right? This should be it. And if it's like learner language or something like that. But actually it's going to be tick off as many podcasts that you can call Frididget on their podcast as possible and see if anyone notices that you've been doing this everywhere. I know. I've quite enjoyed it because I was anything but. So it's actually nice.

There you go. Yeah. It's gravitational change. There it is. What's mumps then? Oh, Jesus. Is that more serious? That's more...

Yeah. Don't we have vaccinations for mumps. Measles. Mimps and Mubla. Yeah, that's the glass one where you... No, that's measles. If you've got measles, you rub a glass over it. I've never had mumps.

Have you ever had foot and mouth? Hand foot and mouth? She's not... Sorry, that's out of sexual favour of course. You're not offered you at all, my God. Yeah, it's an offer. It's not for a toilet. What an offer.

Yeah. Jesus, I haven't, but I'll try it. If it's available, yeah. Who he said there wasn't a fee for this show. Wow. You really treat your guests better than off-menu. I will not be called frigid. Not a my one.

I will suck a man off in the toilet just to prove I am nothing, anything like a frigidious. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It says on here, there's really random fun facts. Yeah, we've got some random facts. Oh, great. What is this one?

It says you embarrass yourself in front of Melsie. Oh yeah, I did. What is that? That was in my last tour show in that I... So I had a crush on Malsy when I was growing up. Didn't we all? Sure, right? And I thought she was gay in my like sort of 13 year old head

because I was like, she's got traxie bottoms on. She's so gay. She can do a backwards walk over. I mean, I guess that means she's gay. Was she ever gay? No, no. She's always been sick. No, she ever gay.

No, but I, yeah, but you know. You know, I don't know the end amounts. Yeah. But she certainly has a slight vibe. Yes. You know, she's got the tattoo going around the arm. I mean, sure. Yeah.

And, I mean, if you've ever been to one of their gigs, I mean, it's War to Aldiaks. But honestly, not a sausage insight. It is just going to go in. You've got everyone else. It's an incredible review. Holy shit. I've never heard that phrase in my life. I don't.

It's not really afraid. It is no. Yep. Take that on Dragon's Den. You need to call it to her, Walt Walden. So, and so I, so I, so, yeah, so I had a bit of a crush on Mell C as I was growing up. And then, not that long ago, I'd not long been opening on the road for Alan Car, so I used to open for Ellen quite a lot. And he knew I was a massive Spice Girls fan.

And like, all music of kind of that era. And then Alan rang me one day and was like, I've got tickets to go and see All Saints. Do you want to come? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, I definitely want to come. He's like, is it Coco? It's like a really small gig. And I've got like a ticket for like the friends and family area.

And I was like, yes, Alan, I will be there with you. So I went as Al's plus one. And then he was like, oh, Mel C's behind us. And I was like, and like, I couldn't really believe it. Have you ever had that? Because I think, you know, sometimes we're doing our job. You meet other famous people that are like in your world. So we've all met all the standups.

Yeah. I mean, you met all the standups that you watched growing up. Yeah. You know, like, you're like, oh my God, I sort of know Jack D, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, you know these people, I know Michael McIntyre a bit, that's weird. And then, but then with someone that's like... It's another level, isn't it?

Yeah, and like, you know, that a fandom that you only really get when you don't have a life? You know when you're a kid? Oh, God, I love the Spice Girls. Well, of course. I've seen them live. Like, yeah. And, like, with the Spice Girls, I remember I used to think, oh, God, I would love it. Like, I would have fantasies where I would think, God, I'd love it if the Spice Girls.

I was a tour bus like broke down outside my house. And I had to be like, come and have a cup of tea at my. Yeah. Like, you have these like mad dreams of that. Anyway. Because you're 11. Yeah, exactly. And so Alan was like, oh, Suze.

And he was like, oh, do you want to meet her? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, I do. And then he took me over to her. And she's, you know, really nice. She was like, oh, hi, I'm Mel. And I was like, this is Susie. She's a stand-up.

She opens me on tour. She was like, oh, you're like, Susie. You're a stand-up. stand up that's cool and I didn't I couldn't speak stop it you didn't see anything it's the only time in my life

that I've ever not been able to speak I was like oh my gosh and there was quite a lot of silence that's fucking revolve yeah it's really great it's an egg for sure and then and then after a while the only thing I managed to say

was you mean a lot to me and you always will stop yeah shut the fuck up man yeah no oh no it's Terrible, isn't it? And then Alan went, oh, she's gone weird, I'll take her away.

It's terrible, isn't it? It was so embarrassing. I've met her again since. Oh, thank God. And obviously she didn't remember meeting me because I imagine people do that to her every day because she's a spice girl. But yeah, it was the only time I've ever been like, what did you see? I love you so much and you mean a lot. No, you mean a lot to me and you always will. And you always will. I mean, it's so. I'll go be honest me, it's the always will. It's the fucking stand on that. Yeah, it's really old. And I always

Yeah, I mean The cute thing is Sorry, I love that it was Alan Carr, sorry I love that it was Anna Carl Oh she's gone all weird It took me a word What a fucking big belt her! Oh sorry she's gone weird

Took me a word But then the very sweet thing Is that after my shows at the moment I'm doing a signing Because I've just done a book And a couple of people have said to me When I'm signing their bit They say, you mean a lot to me you always will

That's nice Let me know they saw the last tour as well Which is really sweet. I love that. It's really stupid. But yeah, I embarrass myself in front of a spice girl. That's fine. I think you're allowed to.

Like, they're megastores. Yeah, it's huge. You know what I mean? I don't even know what I would do. Like, I just... I was once opening for Joe Lyset and Mel B was in the audience. Wow. And then she came backstage afterwards, sure.

Yeah. And we were chatting. And then she put me on her Instagram and was like, oh, I saw this comedian, Sezer Ruffer. She was so funny. And Flomacian rang me and was like, like, we can carry on working. But it is like, you might want to retire now. Like, I don't like, in a funny way, like, I don't know if it'll ever get better. I mean, yeah, it was very cool.

I met Mel, but I told you about when I met Melby. So I did, I did, I did, I did, I did. And she was the host, her in Pro Green were the hosts. And then afterwards, she was so cool and so lovely. She was like, oh, my God, you're so funny and blah, blah. And she was like, have you got a DVD? And I had my DVD with us, my first DVD. And she said, oh, I'd love that.

Can I have? Can I have, can I? And I've never seen her since. I've never seen that since. I've never. I've never seen her since. I've never heard anything from her. I imagine she either lost it or watched it and hated it. In all honesty, I hope she's forgotten and I hope I never see her again.

Because seeing a spice girl again years later and she went, did you see me DVD? And her going, yeah, it would be the worst feeling. That's nice. That's really good. Dead in resting, dead in rested, dead. Yeah. Took me DVD and I was like, oh my God, no, these just took me DVD. That's amazing.

How long ago was this? DVDs? Yeah. We went together. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, it was mad. Oh, God, that's gross. Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, Babadu, ba.

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It's so... I just... Like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and you're really in-depth things. But Animal Park, it's almost like just a little cozy little, I don't know, like a little cozy little zoo. It's like the day-to-day running of the place. It's just a really

good show for all the family on eye play out and watch whenever. And you're just sticking on when the kids are in and it's just a nice... Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you? It's a huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show. And longly, it's a fab place. Brilliant. Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff.

Oh, so do what? A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.com.com.uker. Forward slash pod. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, bah. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround

audio system. This city demands agility, and optic deletive. delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian new vehicle total registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Football is back. Every game, every weekend, Draft King's sportsbook has you covered. Every snap matters. Every comeback can shift the game and every fourth quarter moment can change everything. Follow the action with Draft Kings, the number one sports book for live betting, built to keep up.

with the speed of sports built with Canadian sports fans in mind. Draft Kings brings the action together in one easy-to-use app. Follow the biggest matchups, build your parlays, and explore live betting markets as the game develops. So you can focus on the football and enjoy the action with confidence. Download the Draft Kings app today and see what everyone is talking about. Draft Kings, the number one sports book for live betting. In partnership with Draft Kings, the crown is yours.

Gambling problem? Call Connects Ontario. 1866-531-260-19 and over physically present in Ontario. Eligibility and restrictions apply. See draft kings.com slash sportsbook for details. Please play responsibly. Number one sports book for live betting based on available live market data. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo-ba-do-ba-da-ba-da.

There was a bit that was on the first episode, which Alice, what was it about the, well, you should explain it. It was your finding. The moment. The moment. My friend who's a doctor told me that horses, legs are their fingers. So through evolution they have turned into

legs but they are fingers and they're the... It's disgusting. It's disgusting. It's chilling. And there's more to it than that and it's more complicated than that. Of course we didn't realise that or do that. So now everybody on the internet's really mad at me and it's been

clipped up and it's got, like wildfire. And I'm, I like every two to three years I'll post something on Instagram. You know like I'm a social media guru. And so the first thing that I've said on the internet since like 1994, it's gone mad. There's a pylon. There's a major pile. What, are people not happy or something? I think there's... Oh, people are never happy. What? It's really united. I've got questions about this horse. And I'm definitely the person to answer it. But the funny, the funniest comment that I

saw, which I might even steal for the next episode, without crediting the guy. Yeah. He was like, so that makes, so that essentially makes the entire horse. hand. Yeah. Yeah. So the question is, is that four fingers or is that four legs where one fingers took over on each leg? Thank you for your question, Chris.

So just to explain this in terms of you'll understand. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so out of my depth. I don't know. Well, they at one point, just like a carcass being dragged along with little ribbons. They used to roll them. Like, yeah, little lops.

Horses. They used to just roll horses. At one point, they were a fist. and then they just sort of own girls. Who was this friend? Are they a doctor of it? This is the thing. The comments are like,

your friend should be struck off. Oh, my God, people are so angry. But what's really funny about it is. And it has been. We had so many cats in that. He's left his job. He's in front of a tribunal,

as he should be. But we said so many things on that episode, and it's the stuff that you don't even think about that really catches people's imaginations. And people, my favorite comment was, you absolute Brit. And I didn't know that that was an insult, but people are, you absolute brick. Because a lot of Americans in the comments are very livid.

People just loving to have a sense of humour bypass about it as well because people are like, did she not learn this at school? I'm like, learn this. This is not my, this is. What lesson is that? I learned about the, um, just yeah, don't pay no attention. Just give them the horse's leg. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

But that's the stuff. Very good. And also when... It's actually excellent. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. Actually, all four of us make up a horse.

Yes. Yeah. I've got a horse on me on. Oh my God. Yeah. So now I'm never posting anything on the internet. No, well, I would stick away from like religion, evolution. All that kind of stuff.

The big three. Religion. Evolution. Horses. Equestrian legs. Yeah. As soon as people, as soon as people,

As soon as you put a different opinion on the internet, that's it. They're just like, well, we're obviously fighting now. But you know what my problem is, though? I don't know whether it's because of where I was brought up or just, I just want to fight them. Sure. So part of me wants to go, all right then, babe, come and let's come and we'll meet up and we'll have a fight.

So that's why I can't look because I will message them and go, where you live? That's why I find the traitors. I find the traitors amazing, but I find it to be a tough watch because I'm not from a place where you sit around a table telling people what you think of them. and it doesn't end up in the fucking car park. Showning that someone's a lie. I think you're a lie and I think you're too fierce.

Well, this table's getting flipped over and we're going in the fucking car park. Do you understand? I would love this. You just write on the little board and it just goes, I did once do a corporate gig where my, it was in the proud embankment. And proud embankment were hosting the young.

What? I don't know what that is. And I'm just... I don't think it's there anymore. Is it London? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, um... It was Proud Embankment, which is like, I think it's a big gay cabaret bar, basically.

And it was hosted on this. The Young Pension Awards. Try and make sense of that. Because I certainly didn't have anything to say about it. Young Pensions, please. Yeah, I don't know what that means. I think it's young people who work in pensions. I should know this by now, given the gig was 10 years ago.

I still haven't done the research. Wow. Young Purch. But my dressing room was just like kind of this windowless tiny box. room and yeah and that was it and it was like not one of those corporates where they put you up in a fancy hotel or anything like that. Just go in there for five hours and just wait. But when we did it, we did the rehearsal.

For some reason, Arge from the only way as Essex was in the venue because he was playing the venue in like a month. Singing. He was like singing doing a sound check. Yeah. And then he just went and sat in my dressing room with like his entourage. But he wasn't even playing that night. He was just like, and he wouldn't get out.

And so I had to get like stuff from the venue to be like, can you leave? Because this is, I'd like, ask. And they were just like, now we're just going to be here for a bit. And I was like, I can't believe I'm getting bullied by artist from the only way is this. It's pathetic. So anyway, eventually he leaves. But this sort of starts the day off on quite a bad note. So then he leaves.

And then I'm sat in the dressing room. And normally you would just like, I would just chill out in whatever they've got in the fancy hotel and just wait there. Because it was so, it was like, it was just a horrible tiny room. I went out for dinner and came back. And by the time I came back in the room, they were like ring dancers suspended from the ceiling. Like dancing in rings above the young pension awards. Right? And they were like, they're like, they're like,

They're just like in like bikini type clothes and they're just like floating around doing all the shit while they all have dinner below them. And I go into my dressing room and now and I realize from all the feather bowers and sushi that are around that I'm obviously sharing this dressing room with said ring dancers.

So I sit there. It's tiny this place. I'm trying to write a set about young pensions or whatever. They eventually both come back in and they're just like, oh hi. And then they go and like sit over here and I'm just like in this bit like yeah. And I'm like typing away.

Then these two ring dancers loudly have a conversation about how they both currently have mumps. Right. I had no... When you started talking, I was like,

how is this relevant? When will this become relevant, yeah. Right. Oh my God. Yeah. That's what... And I'm immediately

texting my mum, like, have I had the MMR vaccine because I'm in a windowless box room with two naked ring dancers who currently have mumps, who just, by the way, performed suspended above an entire party. Have all in your page in there.

That's a good one. Can I go warfare? Yeah. There's pops in the ventilator. Release the ring dancers. These pensioners are getting too young. Oh my God. Shield, be vulnerable.

So I'm doing that. I can't get any signal because I'm in this. Oh my God. They're locked room with these fucking, they eventually like pack up their feather bowers and leave. That's so far. I then go into the, there's a little bathroom bit of this.

And I just go in there. Then I'm going to come out. I've got to get changed into my suit and then go on. Do you find a mump? I wish. What happened when I came out is there was just someone, one of the patrons of the party, one of the people who was up for an award

was just now in my dressing room, breastfeeding. And I was like, don't do that in it, there's mumps in it. Of all the places, there's no way your baby's had a vaccination yet. There's not mumps in it yet. It's not mumps in it. Absolutely dreadful, really awkward. I come out, she was like, they said I could do it in here. Did you tell her about the mumps?

Do you not want to worry? I was like, I'll be honest, the conversation we had was quite awkward already. Someone is openly breastfeeding that I've never met in front of me. I'm just going to put this out of you. I don't think that was your dressing room, pal. I'm going to say you. It was arges.

I don't think you had a dressing room. I don't think you had a dressing room. No, do you think I didn't even have one? You had a communal area that they had told you for equal purposes that that was your dressing room. It's a green room. I'm going to have to Google mumps after this. I didn't get mumps, so I must have, I must be vaccinated against them. I think you must have to be quite close.

I don't know. I was quite close. Apologies to the mump community. No, actually. I don't apologize. Mum community. I mean, because of our ignorance towards mumps. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Once at the Edinburgh Festival, you did a wee in a bucket backstage after the performance was over, then you ended up being covered in your own wee by the next performer who used the bucket for their show. She was a performance artist. What? Yeah, she was a performance artist. And Sue and I had shared a dressing room with her. I think her name is Penny Solomon.

Penny, if you're listening slash watching, I apologise from the book. bottom of my heart. So we were in that tiny venue in the Pleasance. I mean, there's loads of venues in the Pleasks now. Yeah, yeah. Was it a hut or was it inside? Yeah, they've got this kind of like little garage things, haven't they? Like, portable hood things. So you were inside. And it was blooming miles away from the nearest loo, like literally miles away. And we were on, you know, in 10 minutes and I thought, I'm not going to make it back for curtain up. I am freaking desperate. Desperate. Desperate. So I spotted out the corner of my eye a fire bucket. Thought, brilliant. Let's, let's just do the business. I'll sort it out. No one will know.

I'll put a cloth over it. I'll put a little cloth over it. Sort that out when I finish. I said to Perks, this is what I'm doing, you know, anyway, did the biz, did the gig. We did that. We had promised Penny Solomon, as you do in Edinburgh, to all your fellow performers. I'll definitely catch your show. I'll definitely catch your show. I'll come and see your show, don't you? Why, when you actually went? That's really not. You're all the good ones. I've said that so many times and never went.

No. And this was our luck. This is a nice little. This was our last opportunity to go. It might even have been her last Perth. So I said to Perth, we've got to go and see a Penny show. It's quite heavy. It's performance art.

We've got to go and see it. So we were in the front row, a couple of our mates as well, literally strapping in. It was heavy. It was not a comedy show. It was a brave, poignant piece of performance art. So we were very much just in the zone. And she's in a white shift, I seem to remember, some sort of long white muslin thing going on.

Okay. And doing lots of stuff, you know, anyway. I think she was calling out for her mother, possibly injecting herself. I don't know. Then she whipped off stage and she brought on the fire bucket. Then she reached for an enormous brush and started blessing the audience.

Dip bless, dip. We were covered with my piss. The entirety of the ten rows covered. Oh, no. And we were, Sue and I, I don't think we've ever laughed so much. It was genius. That is. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It was genius. I'd, of course, forgotten about it. You know, in the kind of, oh, darling, oh, thank you so. Oh, thank you so. But, you know, all that stuff. Totally forgot about it. Well, luckily I didn't take it away because that was one of her key props.

Yeah. It was. Oh, that is fantastic. Oh, I love stuff like that. I love that so much. It's like, oh, it's four in the afternoon. You're watching a performance artist and you're being covered with your own piss. That's a minute.

And Sue knew. Sue knew. She knew. She knew. You know that? You know when you. laugh and you can't actually make any noise. You can't breathe, yeah.

It was one of those. Like a detention laugh or a funeral laugh. Best ever. Can't laugh, not allowed to laugh. Have to hold it in, can't make noise. Unbelievable. That's like, it's stuff that would be in a sitcom. Yeah.

When real life happens stuff. Yeah. That should be in a sitcom. It's just my favourite thing. Ever. Favorite thing ever. But Penny, I feel for Penny though. Because I don't, you know, Penny, I don't want, you know.

Penny didn't know. She didn't realize. But she, I mean, she was, she, was slightly, you know, she was slightly doing that because there was there was a lot of motion in the front row. She was laughing so much, yeah. Oh my God.

But it was the size of the brush. You know, like a, you know, when you're wall, you know, see a wallpickering. And you use a, a girthy, wide brush. It was one of those. It was just, woof, waff. Like a one where, if you did like that on the ground, it would go like, like a whack and of, yeah.

Oh, God. Just beautiful. It's beautiful. The volume of water in that brush. It wasn't like a piddly. It was like a proper. It wasn't water though. That's the best bit. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Christa, Rosie,

Yes. Please keep me anonymous. Always. I live in Sheffield. And about 10 years ago, I was out celebrating my best friend's birthday. I was pregnant at the time and very sober. I'd popped at the toilet in the club for a wee. When I'd finished, I wiped with what was the last of the Lou Roll. As I opened the door of the cubicle, a girl flopped through the main door of the toilet.

She'd obviously been on a particularly heavy session. She scrambled into an open cubicle, dropped trow with the door wide open. So as I was standing in the basin, I could clearly see her in the reflection of the mirror. I washed my hands and was reapplying lipstick when I realised the girl had finished and was looking for toilet roll. I turned round to see if any other cubicles had toilet roll, but no joy. What happens next seemed to go in slow motion. As I turned back to tell her there wasn't any paper, she... Oh, my God. I don't know.

This is very well written. I can see the place. It's extremely grim in my head. It's a nightclub. Yeah, it says there's a little PS that says Chris Ramsey had a little area of cordoned on. So that helps. Sorry, not in Sheffield. I can do that in my hometown, not in Sheffield. There's no chance I'd get a VIP section in Sheffield. Long live dusk. Yeah, long live dusk.

Rest and peace. What are you, are pregnant on the night club? What's she done? Right. I'm going to go on a limb here. and I'm going to say she used our own dress to wipe our ass. I was going to say she'll shit herself so yeah, maybe. I took a knick,

as often threw them down the thing, possibly. There's no toilet roll. What would you do? There's no toilet roll. Presumably she's only had a way. She's had a shake, I'd just shake right and roll. Yeah, if it's a way, yeah.

Yeah, if it's a way, just give it a shake, possibly kind of wipe myself on my underwear. There it is. Goes in the wash, didn't it? Of course. You just, you wash yours?

Am I not meant to? No, I've got no idea. It's so much worse. Oh my God, is it? It's so much, it's, it's upset me. That's, that's, that's, that's the truth. I feel upset by this. It's a pleasure to come in your podcast.

What horrible do you have enough to talk about? The Mel C thing and then this. Right, okay. God, it's worse. Ready? Yes. Am I? She had pulled out.

a used pad from the overflowing sanitary bin beside her and began to wipe. Go and get, no. My jaw dropped. She then, quick as a flash, placed it back in the bin, jumped up, pulled up her trousers and left the toilet, leaving me stood alone in the toilets to reflect on what I've witnessed. That is absolutely morose. That's unacceptable.

I'm really shook. That's horrible. She could get her disease. Yeah. Oh, God, that's awful. Okay. I mean, I'm really sad. Yeah, that's really bad that one.

I can hear them all laughing in the other room. Yeah, that's really, I've gone awkward. We've had a really nice time. We've had a lovely time. I opened up to you about Malsie. Yeah. Talked you about how much I love stand up. Yeah.

I got deep about my mom and dad. Yeah. And then some fucking disgusting bitch is waiting out bad John. It used. Sanitary towel. Sanitary towel. I mean, that's like sharing a needle. God, that is bad.

You know, I'm going to say, I think it's worse than sharing a needle. I reckon it. If you're at a state, like, I mean... There's something about period blood. Your own is fine, all right? Maybe somebody else who you really fucking love is all, but a stranger as period blood. Yeah, I mean, she's got hep C.

Yeah. That's amazing. That's the least. Yeah. What the fuck. Yeah, anyway, this episode is in loving memory of that girl. Yeah. Yeah.

Who didn't always make great choices, but no, I have to have a good night out. She followed through. Well, I'm not. Yeah, I just use your nickers. Okay, God, God, we're going to have to go. Susie Ruffle. You mean so much to us and you're always going to. Thank you very much.

God, are we leaving on that. I know I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I haven't even told you about the fact that Chris was the first person I ever knew that had an iPad. What? Is that true? It's why I always think of when I think of you. No way.

Please tell this story. This is amazing. I'm so proud of me. He's always been a spoil. little brat. You were doing new material at a gig, I think in Newcastle. And I was very green. I was quite new.

You've been doing stuff for a little bit longer than me. And you were like, you were closing, but you were trying new stuff. And I was hosting. And you took an iPad on stage. And I thought, God, he must be doing so well. He can afford an iPad. And I think that most times when I see you. It's fantastic.

First person I ever met that had an iPad. Wow. And I remember you being like, yes. Like, yes, just like, yeah. And I'll be like, oh, my God. And he's written up his material. And that's why I went out with you. That's it.

Wasn't that? Velvet ropes and one iPod. My guest list for the Velvet Rope section was on an iPad. Yeah. And it just said your name. It's just funny. Isn't it funny? Like, because obviously what sticks?

What sticks? But that person never knows. Well, yeah, that's what. I thought of it. As soon as they, like, do you want you Chris and Rose's podcast? I was like, yeah, I'd love to. And then, like that. Do you know what it is?

Do you know what's so awful about me? And this is why I'm a disgusting hypocrite. If I was at a gig now and someone went on with an iPad, I'd be like, look at that fucking wank. Well, I mean, everyone did think that. Yes. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement. And nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025.

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Physically present in Ontario. Eligibility and restrictions apply. See draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details. Please play responsibly. Number one sports book for live betting based on available live market data. Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, Babadu. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Will do.

Recently on the podcast, Rosie mentioned she'd started Pilates. Oh, yeah. And it reminded me of my. my very first reformer, not reform, reformer Pilates class. I walked in as a complete beginner to one of those classes where everyone else clearly knew exactly what they were doing. Determined not to look clueless, I lay flat on my back as instructed

and avoided constantly popping my head up to copy everyone else. I like that. Instead, I decided to just listen carefully and follow the instructor's directions. The problem was she kept referring to your carriage. Oh, no. Put your hands flat on your carriage. Move your feet onto your carriage.

Now, knowing Pilates is meant to be good for your pelvic floor, I naturally assumed carriage was just some cutesy Pilates term for your fanny. You know, you're undercarriage. Oh, God. Oh, God. That's gorgeous. So good. Oh, that's gorgeous. So for the first 20 minutes of the class,

I was basically just touching myself. I did feel slightly self-conscious when the instructor said things like grab your carriage and pull yourself along. But I assumed everyone else was simply far more experience with this technique than I was. For me, right? For me, what I'm thinking about here is

there are people, including the instructor, who can see everyone else doing it, and this other lady just literally just grabbing herself. Like she came in, she didn't do any of the stuff. She just touched her fanny for like an hour. Then she left. Like what the fuck? That's great.

And then she pulled herself alone. Like a dog with worms on a carpet. You didn't know what the carriage was there, did you? It's the thing. You're on the bed. It's called the carriage, yeah. She goes on. It was only when she announced,

now put your tippy toes on your carriage that I finally thought, hang on. This feels excessive. So I sat up to look around and discovered everyone else Had their tippy toes Perched on the moving bench with wheels That they were lying on Also known as the carriage

Wow Wonderful Absolutely genius Gorgeous I love that I've never done Pilates So I didn't even know that the carriage Existed

It's really hard It's hard Is it good though Pilates? It's good Apparently it's very good for it It's like strength training But you kind of like work And so what I've got

tall just recently which I didn't realize. They're on springs and they are equivalent to sort of like weights. And the courage is like you move. So it's rate resistant. It's really good. It's good for when you get a bit older. Oh, well, I've got to start doing a bit of this. I've been down the road where I live.

I got sort of suckered in by a little blackboard outside. Blast fitness. Oh. Sounds very aggressive. It sounds bad for your knees. I don't like the sound of that. Oh, there's going to be a lot of burbies. Blast fitness.

Do you like burbies? No. I've signed up then. Oh God, that I don't want to sign up. I always do that. I'll say it again. There's a reason that burpees rhymes with herbies. They burn.

Burpees is hot. Burpees is the one where you can't do them. You're down on the ground and then you flip out the back legs and then you come back up. And then you jump. Horrid. Horridous. I've got my sec. Walk on an incline.

Yeah. Bit of running, bit of light jog and some reformer palates. Yeah. But go and let us know what it's like. So I can understand, sorry, I can understand weights for strength. I can understand running, cycling, all of that. If I'm getting chased by a fucking wolf, I'm not doing burpees. That is so true.

They are not applicable to the real world. I didn't want to say Bay because Bay sounds too much like burpees and, you know, comedy-wise, you know. But yeah, if I'm getting chased by a wolf or a murderer, I'm not burp being way out of there. No, but that was a question that was on the internet a lot recently, wasn't it? The man or the Bay? Oh, that was, yeah. I know. You didn't enjoy that.

What was that? Oh, it was whether, would you rather be chased in a wood by a man? Or a bear? Is the man with weapon or is the man without weapon? I think the whole point was about the toxicity of men of where so many women So many women chose the bear. I was upset. I was upset.

I was upset. I think how, is it a brown bear or a black bear? Ooh. What is worse? One is more vicious, isn't it? I think black bears are more vicious. Yeah, one is bigger and more vicious. Is that right?

I don't actually know. I don't know. I called a polar bear snow panda recently so I've got nothing to... She did call it. She did call a polar bear of snow panda. You did with snow panda, wasn't it?

Is that what you said? A snow panda? It's fucking bang on to be fair. I think I'm losing my mind. Get me to that bear. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Okay, dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous

for the sake of my professional registration. Oh. And also because I never want this woman finding me again. I work in oral and maxillofacial surgery. Ooh. You heard of that? No.

Is that when they put the fingers in your mouth? You're not frigid at all. My God. How dare I? Yeah, you pick your wrong slag. Here's a problem we've got, by the way. She says freely uses the word slag so much that sometimes I accidentally use it when I'm not with her and get some weird looks. Yeah, you're not allowed.

It's slag out. It's slag out. No, for women it's in. I don't think men are like, but now and then I'll be like, oh, slag. And people look, I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm not with Rosie. I can't, I kind of get a buy. When I'm Rosie, I get allowed to say it. You need a whole pass.

Yeah, yeah. My mum says I'm allowed to say slag, actually. Wow. Okay, so it says, so think facial trauma abscesses and a staggering number of drunk people knocking their own teeth out. All right, okay, nice. But it is kind of what we've been discussing this whole episode. I'm not my two though, 18 drunk. Yeah, really?

I did it twice then. I did it again when I was 24. And did you go, what happened? I just went the dentist. And did you, they put that, was that tooth smashed or did they give you a fake? I got a feeling. If you look really closely, you can tell. Yeah.

Look closely. When you're both in the toilet after this and she's giving you a foot and mouth, you have a good look. Oh yeah, when I'm doing your hand foot and mouth. When I'm doing your hand, foot and mouth. Listen, what a phrase. What a phrase, dude. I went the dentist just the other day.

I couldn't believe the other day. And I had to have a nerve test because he's like, yeah, it's going a bit gray. I was like, great. It's going a bit gray. It's still alive. It's still alive. It's still alive. If no, it's still hanging in there.

Two decades later. You can, it's when there's certain light, isn't there? If you're like in a nightclub. And then it's like the, like, the black, that. And you smile and then one of them is white, yeah, half of it. Or whatever. I know. All the other way around, I don't know.

Right. Sorry. Trauma. Okay. Anyway, yeah, after five years of blood, pus and chaos, I thought I'd seen it all. I had not. Last summer, I was running a clinic seeing new GP referrals. In walks, this lovely lady and I start taking a history.

She tells me she has a. partial upper denture. Here we go. One where you still have some of your own teeth, so it just fills the gaps. So she's got that but hasn't seen a dentist in ages.

During this time, one of her front teeth has fallen out. Now, most people in this situation have two options. Go to a dentist like a normal human being or accept the gap and do nothing about it. I know exactly what happened here.

This is horrible. This lady chose the secret third option and went for, go feral and take matters into her own hands. She proudly tells me she sorted it herself and removes her

denture to show me her handiwork. At this point, I'm expecting maybe a bit of dodgy glue some chewing gum. No. She had,

I'd like to invite guesses. Oh, that was me guess. I thought she'd glued it. I thought she'd glued the other tooth to the denture. But it's not glued. It's not chewing gum.

Oh. So what she's done is, so she's got this pallet, it's like a braces palette, but it's got the tooth that was there the dentist now.

She's not another two thoughts. So my thought was, I went, she's just glued it to the thing. But she hasn't just glued it. She's done something else. I think, is she put a bit of mug? What a great shout out. It's a bit of moth.

Oh, like, a little, like, a porcel. A bit of moth. Put, like, with a logo on it. Mock the what. World's best. Happy mother's dear. Yeah, yeah. Dishwash I see.

A little dishwash I see if no, go. Yeah. Sports direct. Fucking that was a big tooth. So it's not that though. It's not that. It's not a bit of Mark. Okay, okay.

What is it? Because I thought she just glued the extra tooth to which I hasn't. This woman, you're going to lose your mind especially. This woman had grown out one of her fingernails for tooth length. Off. Cut it off and super glued it onto her denture to replace the missing tooth. She had made a nail tooth. Safe to say,

never complain about a slightly dodgy denture again. That is so inconsistent though. Like the feeling you get on your tongue of your tooth behind is like... Should you been better off doing a mug? A mug would have been better. Just the right... Just the handle of a white mug. Holy shit.

Yeah, a little bit of curve in it. A little bit of curving it for you. I'm not going... Handle. Handle. The most roguess out of my fucking life. I was thinking a chip. That's disgusting.

Handles way too thick. I don't think... I don't think... A full handle. down, is what I'm imagining now. Like one of them goats where the horn grows into their eye.

That is upset me so much. What you're feeling in your mouth is, that must be... I wouldn't not be able to stop tongue in that. I would have ulcers on the enemy tongue. Yeah. What if you bite your nails? You're constantly biting your own tooth off.

With your teeth. We've had some wild stuff on here, and that's up there. That's crazy. Also, you definitely notice looking at this, when they smile. It's got a little... It's like a little...

It's like a little... It's like a little... A little... Yeah, oh right, so there's a white bit at the bottom, you mean? Oh, yeah, like, oh. In their defence? White nail, polish or? Well, it's part of their...

It's got to be right, because it doesn't... Oh, God, you could nail varnish. It doesn't look. A nail doesn't look. I've never looked at my nails and gone and thought they look like it. No, mine are like yellow or they're disgusting. She's buzzing about it as well.

Well, but it is part of our body, I suppose. No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. And you could paint it any colour as well. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, New Year's Eve for a gold or silver.

Yeah, yeah. She's a glitter there for Christmas, yeah. I suppose my must have metal grills. No, we can't defend this. I'm not having it. We're trying to be nice here, just in case. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Bah.

Dear Chris and Rosie, Hello. Please keep me anonymous. Always. Let's docks them now. I'm writing to you with the dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous sex life. Good.

All right, show off. And have recently got into the lifestyle. For those that are unaware, it's swinging. Swinging. We get a lot of swingers writing in, defending swinging. They call it the lifestyle. It sounds like a leisure centre. It's a David Lloyd Centre initiative.

It's called The Lifestyle. You do paddle, you do tennis, you do swimming, you do shagging. Dogging. Dogging and paddle. Any codgy paddle. Included in the package. Thank you. Well done.

Oh, for goodness sake. Sorry. Sorry. Start again. Start again. No, no, no. Just from the legist style. We're not starting again.

We're from everything from the top. Let's do 10 more minutes on the word lifestyle. And sit down. Greg and Alice, nice to see you. Okay. We both in what, we both. We both enjoy watching the other person receive pleasure from others. Brilliant.

It might sound strange, no. But it works for us and our relationship has dramatically improved since starting. There is a very popular website for those involved in the lifestyle, and you can search for profiles near you. You can search for profiles near you. Imagine my shock horror when, whilst browsing the site, I saw someone with tattoos that I recognised. And in said photo, they're in, let's say, a compromising position with another person.

important to note that on this website you can see the people who have viewed your profile to be fair to be clear that says it here I'm not just telling you that people can view your profile you can view this is that card blank and then you see

this is actually an advert is that card blank I'll just say it's important to note that on the website if you go on someone's profile just for future reference they can see you've been on it but it can see that you've been

about tattoos anyway what would you do use the code Alice Levine for 15 10% are. Yes. With this in mind, and to limit any potential awkwardness, I didn't view the profile and scroll past it.

So it's like sexy LinkedIn where if you click on them, they can see that you've been there. Oh, they can see. Okay. Right. That would be a good name. I thought nothing of it. Until a few days later,

I was going through photos on my phone. And I saw a photo from a few years back of myself and my dad on holiday. My dad is shirtless in the photo. No. And if you hadn't already guessed, we've already guessed. Yes, the tattoos were on show. This is in capitalises. The same tattoos I saw in the profile on Alice Levine's website.

Should have redacted that bit. I really regret typing this out at all. Yeah, go on. My parents split when I was young and he hasn't had a relationship since. I was absolutely mortified and now I have no idea what to do. So I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do? And how do I approach this situation? I'm pretty sure he hasn't viewed my partner and mine's profile.

However, I'm scared he may come across this. It's obviously not something I want to discuss with my father. What should I do? Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Leave the website. Leave the country. Why should she? She's having a nice time.

First of all, first question. It's a website. She doesn't have to do her dad. All right. I must make clear she doesn't have to do her dad. That's one of the founding tenants. the website. Yeah, you'd have to do your dad.

Right, okay. So, first of all, good podcast title. Yeah, you'd have to do your dad. Welcome. That's like a mashup of all of the podcasts. Yeah, they've ever been made. Just remember.

And remember, you don't have to do your dad. See you next week. We should do a podcast together. We should do another one together, call that. Yeah. Just about, about the last time. You don't have to do Shaggy dad doing a porn. It says that her dad, the Obama dad broke up.

So then then it said the dad hasn't had a relationship since. Yeah. But she forgot his head on. No, no. but he's on a swinger's website. How? Surely, do you not have to, this is going to sound really bad.

Do you not have to bring... No, she's not had a relationship with him. No, he's not had a relationship. No, no, it says he's not. But I think you can join a couple that swing. You're just a solo player. You don't have to bring your own merchandise. I don't know if it's a team, if you have to be in a team.

They've got names. Women are unicorns. Yeah. Because there's not many single women. Oh, they want to be shocked by strangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I believe that. And men, they've got a certain name. And I've totally forgot.

Something like, it's like, it's like, So a cowboy or something. It's pigs. It's probably pigs. But so there's obviously like the couple and then if you want to just be, you know, like a rogue, the plus one, that's what he, the dad might just be that. He might be just sort of a gun for hire, a cop for hire. There are no stupid questions. This is a safe space.

Anything more, Chris? It's like weird. We want you to feel comfortable. Are these all in the FAQs on your website? They're all there. And we also offer a kind of one-to-one mentoring session before you, you know, proceed. Can you that I assume? Into the community, absolutely.

Good, thank you. The thing is with this, I would, I feel like they're all open mind enough to just talk about it. Do you know, think? Fair. Fair. Swingers except swingers, I just feel like, you know, just say it. But all, you know.

So are your profile, Dad? I guess. Well, welcome to the community. I just feel like she's going to be, if they're within the same sphere, she's going to be looking over our shoulder. Quite literally. Hopefully, he's not there. Oh, God.

Oh, God. This one's gone, disgusted, swim in it. Quite livid. speak. Here's my thing. You don't want to, and obviously I've done a whole podcast about dads and pornography, you don't, and actually documentaries about swinging, but you never want to think about your parents having sex. I would say especially with your other parent. Like I think that's worse than thinking of your parent having sex with a stranger. Right. But you also have, no, I think it is, isn't it? I don't know. It's all quite bad.

It's all quite bad. Everyone's thinking right now. Everyone's like, oh, I don't know. Everyone listening now, think about your parents having sex. Now swap out one of those parents for a stranger. Easy. Please let Rosie and Chris know. That's worse. But I do think, on some weird level, you also want them to be happy and, right? You want them to be having a nice time.

Is it just me? Yeah, no, no, that's absolutely. No, yeah, that's very, that is very open-minded of you. I love that. It's great. It suddenly feels like we're on this morning. Very, you're so modern. It's why I lost everyone.

I lost the room. No, I think, no. The room and I feel very exposed. No, because parents deserve a good sex life too. I don't want to be on the same website as them. Well, yeah. One of them's got to leave. One of them's got to leave.

Can you block people on this website? Maybe. That would be my suggestion. You usually kind of on a dating app. Right? All they are you. My suggestion would be to block her father. Yeah.

Block them. Block them. Good and hard. But I'm kind of what you used it. Did not need the good and hard. Sorry. Question, how don't you know what your dad's tattoos look like? That's weird, isn't it?

I mean, that's the real. troubling thing about this story, isn't it? Yeah, I guess. But you would... You'd know them off by heart. Maybe if you saw them up. No, say, I'll tell you where my dad's malls are. Could you? Where are they?

Okay, wait, weirder thing. On the wider thing. Map him. Let's draw him. We'll map him now. Sorry. Weirder than being on the same. So, you know, I didn't think this would come up, but we actually don't ever play at kids parties.

We don't play, playing the tail on the donkey, we pay, put them all on the dad. Put the mole on your dad. You know what I mean, though. You just have a big photo. Massive A3 photo. our dad's back and we all will put malls on it. And then he comes out, takes his shirt off and he goes and we'll see how many of it.

It's like, it's like the night sky. Yeah, there's the big dipper. She knows all the constellations. They're doing a dot to dot on his back. Yeah, yeah, it's great. Sorry, you think you know where all the moles are on your dad's back. Fucking weirdest thing anyone's ever said. You need to be arrested on the spot.

Are you molly? No, okay, so in my defence. I'm not molly. Not molly. My dad used to get really hot. Do you know like Friday night dinner when the dad's always got the top off? You're not making it better. You're not making it better.

Yeah, I'm worse, getting worse. See your dad's hot, yeah. Yeah, you think your dad's hot. You love it when his tops off. Come on. Your moles. Look at those moles.

In the summer, you'd look forward to it. You see what you've done yourself. Can I press them? You see what you've done? Dad, can I track your moles again? Oh my God. I don't even have to file in. It's horrible.

Honestly, how many photos in your camera roll or of your dad's back? There it is. Camera mole. Camera mole. Yeah. Listen, good luck with your podcast. Good luck with your mole mapping. All right.

Love you, Dad. to fight about the jingle jingo jingo we couldn't settle on a jingo jingo so this is the jingo we hope you like the jingo

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