Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous – Best of Part One

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Welcome to the first of a bumper crop of Best Ofs episode of Please Keep Me Anonymous, featuring some of the most hilarious moments with Chris and Rosie's guests! This episode features Sam Ryder, Jordan Stevens, Joanne McNally and Bridget Christie, chatting all things foxes, farm labour and zombie apocalypses, alongside some juicy stories sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Nevertheless, I'm a dress for the occasions. Number 42, and now here's the situation. If you beat, moves your feet, then don't change the stage. Make your bed to be living on a permanent vacation. Well, I'm a disaster. Microfoam master. Put on the tape and rock the ghetto plaster. Sign about the money, cause it tells a resort about sweating all the bitches and the bike are shorts. Sick.

Yeah. How long into that rendition were you cringing? Yes. Can I ask? Dry as sticks. Dry as sticks. Dry as sticks. Just literally this.

There's a image of Rosie's vagina now in the back of they all that wood. All that kiln dried firewood. I'm just happy as I've got some of the enjoy. That's me, John, I've got nothing else. You can do the rest of this. I'm just going to sit back and chill. That was great. Your social guys out there looking for the cut down, they just got that.

Try away. They've just fucked off. Their workday's done. We had to fight about the jingle. We couldn't set along a jingle. So this is the jingo Jinkgo We hope you like the jingo

Bhabo do babadoo babadu babadu babadu bao Jingo It's Sam Rider everyone What's up guys? Chris you were meant to do with full-on introdice Do you know what it is right? I just want to start talking I just want to start talking

because what do I say I mean you are possibly our most as a nation our most successful Eurovision guy ever Would that be fair to see I can't say. I'm just buzzing a beer. But I'm going to straddle a fence hard. We have one of before.

Yeah. We have one at before. But the mania, I was just, we've been sitting here for a while waiting for this to start recording. The mania that week that you came back from Eurovision. Yeah. It was crazy. And we happened to be promoting a TV show at the same time.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. We were on the same shows. We saw each other about five times in one day. We were doing the rounds. You might not remember, but it was on BBC Radio 2. It was Zoe Ball's morning show. You, I don't think you'd slept

because you'd done your revision the night before. Yeah. And did you try, you must have come back or was it the day before? No, no, no. Because I remember as soon as I flew home, the record label, I could tell the record label were buzzing because they let me stay at the Langham,

never stepped through their front door before I'm alive. Nice. You know, Jack on the Titanic when he gets to go to the, like, the big room with a buffet? It was actually weren't a buffet, was it? That gives me a wave in there. I mean, he gets to put the tuxedo on that don't belong to him. Man, it was fully blown set of the table.

And then I think we went to go on radio the next day and I was just, yeah. Well, that's where we saw you. Yeah. It's crazy. And you were like, I remember, I mean, it's nice to see you not as hype. You are like buzzed. You are so buzzed in a brilliant way.

The energy coming off, he was unbelievable. Yeah. I hate PR. I hate doing all them interviews. And we met you in the morning and you literally give me a jab in the arm that lasted the entire day. Yeah. Oh, man. Just, I was just buzzing.

Life looks like it's been treating you guys. well. You're looking glowing and healthy and happy and lovely. Thank you for saying that. We've genuinely been looking after ourselves. Yeah, yeah. Like, do you know, you're just, how old are you if you don't mind? I'm 36 and I've just been doing the same thing. I've just recently stopped washing my face with Carex. So I'm trying to take care of myself. What do you mean?

I just didn't realize you shouldn't do it. Handsawed. And I used to wash my hair with, well, I literally, my mum would only buy, bless her, she'd only buy the, the shampoo from Tesco's would let you know what flavour it was by putting a picture of the fruit on the top. Like the apple. You know what I mean?

And I just, I was body watching. Are we talking like Christmas stock and level shampoo here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was massive. Brilliant. You know what I mean? The sort of thing that you like you get at Costco.

49 pounds. So you stepped your game up? Yeah, I've stepped my game up. You can tell actually because you do look lovely. Thank you very much. I would never be able to guess your age. You're like ageless. I don't know.

Yeah. 300. Is this going to sound awful? If you'd have said like 50 odd I'd have gone, right, he looks amazing. But if you'd have said 25, I'd have gone, yeah. Like, yeah. He looks like a man. He looks like a man.

28. No, but I'd say. What the hell is that beard hiding? 26 years of washing your head face with Carex. Man crawled in here. Yeah, yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's George Stevens, everyone.

Yay. Yay. Thanks, guys. Some bangers. Do that first album. Thank you for a little. Thank you for a little. I mean, it was too after, but it's...

The most recent one, love it. Me, made had it on the other day. We listened to it. We literally sat drinking and we listened to the whole album the whole night. It was fantastic. Big fan. Lost for words there, Chris. I really wasn't expecting that.

And thank you. Got to be honest. No, got to be honest. I do apologise. Don't know all the words yet. But the first album, do know all the words. To every song? Yeah.

That is something I never knew of you. And I appreciate that. And you know, what? It was a decent album. Even the one, can remember when we met, one of the first things I asked you? No. met and we literally, it was years ago and I did virtually famous and I literally went

well, chatted, we said a few things. I thought like in my head, I was like, don't have them straight away. But then I was like, what is a little goody two shoes glue player models? And I went, what was that? What is that line? And he went, oh yeah, it's a little good, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's some deep. Well, you know what? You know what? I think of two shoes, I'm genuine. I, thank you. I, no, I actually feel a little bit uncomfortable, so I don't know how to take compliments. Can you not? Can you not. It's just bizarre to me. I can't. And I don't like people thanking us too much. And I crave this.

At home in my moments of anxiety, I think, wouldn't it be great if I went on a podcast and, you know, immediately one of the presenters said to me how much I loved my music, wouldn't I be great? And I get to it now and I'm just like, can we move on? Do you know, no, but you know, like, you've just got to say it. Can we move on? No, because I want us now saying some of us. We met before virtually famous a couple of times. We did. So we met, we've met some odd junctures of life.

Yes. Go on then. FHM, 100 sexiest women. Oh, oh, oh. We met there. That's a bone of contention for me. Yeah? Yeah.

We'd only been together. We'd only been together about six months. I think we got engaged after six months, right? We were newly engaged. And you know you know. And then Chris was literally like, oh, I'm going to this award. She was like, all right, what is it? FHM.

Wait, what was back then? Yeah. I was peak drugs then. Were you? Yeah. What was your favourite? Is that not something you ask? It's everyone's favourite.

My favourite is everyone's favourite. Okay, all right. It's London's favourite. Right. I know what you're talking about. You know. Yeah. Marching.

Columbia Marshall. I've never ever tried it. Yeah. Never ever. She's never tried a drug. Never tried a drug. Are you just smoked dope? But then we nearly set a kitchen on fire.

So I stopped that. Luckily, this is, luckily. new friend hadn't emptied her bath and we put a dressing gown in the bath. So you set a dressing, oh. Put it over the oven because the oven sat on fire. What are you doing? What are you doing? She made it damp first.

It was a told in an odd order. Yeah, it was like, so we made, yeah. She damped. We wet the dressing gown and then put it over the oven. What oven? Do you mean the hob? Also, why was, what's I got to do of smoking weed? I was, I was just, oh.

So I was just like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that's the hardest throat of a little. I was doing. drugs. I was on drugs at that party. Okay, good. Well, I just, I know what you're going to say.

What? I don't worry. What are going to say? Go on. No, no, no. I'm not going to, it was, you are genuinely charming. We had a lovely chat. Thank you, sir. That FHM 100 Sexist Women Awards was extremely odd because it was, I was hosting it. You were a guest. No, no. It was easily 300 men.

I hosted. I came to the after party. Actually, I was just there. I just teamed up with one of the guys who writes there. It was easily. 300 men wondering where the 100 sexy women were. There was honestly four women there. All from Holyoke. Really odd. So there was none of the women there?

No, you're... Barely. You're forgetting then. Wait, what am I forgetting? Anyway, we'll leave this first. I mean, I'm not forgetting, but I don't know if I want to say it on the podcast, but it's still one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

Okay, good, as long as you know. It's still one of the coolest thing. It's a price of the thing. Chris witnessed, contextually to that part of my life, like a quite good bragging rights moment. It was incredible. Who did you get me?

The woman who won, why did she win? She won one of the awards. She won, yeah. I remember our photo from posters in all of my friends' bedrooms are younger. Including me probably. Begging for his fucking number. Like nothing I've ever seen.

But Rosie, listen, this is the maddest thing about it, yeah. I was so shocked by this because on my life, yeah, it really doesn't happen that often. I freaked out and tried to be really cool about it. It worked. And so I didn't, yeah, but I didn't tell you the next part that happened. after. So I just was like, I gave, basically gave my number over and was just like, cool, didn't ask for theirs. And then, uh, was just waiting for the, for a week for the text.

And it, it just never came. And I was, I was, I was devastated because I would love, liked to have texted. And then, and then, but then I was like, I was to pay so fucking call back. I just like, let's swap numbers. Because I was next to the quiz. I was just chilling. I was like, yeah, yeah, I remember telling people. I was going, he didn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah. I was playing. I was playing. I was playing. I was playing. Cool. But then. You can't believe, it is possible to play it too cool.

Yeah, but listen, check this out. The next week, and I'm sat next to someone, yeah. And we're chatting and they'll be like, oh, yeah, da-da-da-da-da. I think we know a few people. In fact, I think you met my girlfriend the other night. Hey! Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

We were talking about this the other day. If you ever found yourself in a scenario of a zombie apocalypse, oh, love. Would you want to survive or would you die? Would surviving mean that I'm a zombie or would surviving mean I'm 28 days later on the run? On the road. Oh, I'd go on the run, yeah. Would you?

But I wouldn't survive. I know that about myself. I've thought about it. Okay, I would kill myself. I'm as a minute. There we go. Would you? On the radio, if they said,

they're at the door, I literally... Sorry, the zombies presenting this radio show. Holy fuck, they got Greg James. They got him. Are you saying, so is the option that you're living

as a fugitive then? Can I just clarify? Yeah, what are the... So, you know, when you watch walking down, or you watch any of these zombie things and their fucking life's miserable and the people are trying to kill them the zombies trying to kill them

they're hiding in a fucking hole and you go what are you this isn't going to come back and like fucking Westfield's not going to go shopping again you're not going to go shopping again would you persevere is the question or would you just fucking get him

because Rosie would literally offer ourselves to the zombies and I'd kill my kids as well at the time I can totally understand why you would do that and say that I would kill us all yeah but don't kill me if I just happen to be in your earth

If you want to survive. No, that I want to give it a go. Would you try and get us to help us. To kill you. To kill you. Would you be like, no, come with us. Come on. Yeah, but I might be talking about.

But not now because I know you're weak. When society falls, when society falls, the pharmacist will come straight for you. As soon as society falls, as soon as the police are gone. Come on. Give us a salpidine. They were like, no. No, listen, maybe right. Now I know you'd hold us back.

So no, I wouldn't. No, that's the thing. Once I'm in it, I would do it. It's like, I'm not. Are you competitive? Depends. See, if I'm good at it, I'll do I'll be competitive and I'll want to win.

But if I'm shit, I'll be like, no, right guys, no, fuck this. I totally know what you're saying. And I do feel like in a zombie apocalypse, I would very much be a supporting actor rather than a main lead character. Yeah, I wouldn't be at the front. No, I wouldn't be. But I'd probably give it a go

because what else is there? At least in the zombie apocalypse, you can take someone's eyes, watch reruns a loose woman. You know. There's no electricity. Why not? Because it's gone. No, that's just, that's just,

That's worst case scenario. The zombies is. That's just to add there could be electricity. This negative attitude isn't going to help us keep her alive. She's gone, man. It's just being you now.

She's gone. And I'm telling you right now, less is a generator. There's a generator to watch you swimming, right? But that better be saved somewhere. And as soon as you turn that generator on, the zombies are coming. Why does the electricity automatically go, though?

Because so do you think... It doesn't just come out the ground like fucking grass. There's people maintaining electricity plants and power plants that pump electricity through. Oh, yeah. Got it. You thought it just came out like wind? Yeah, like grass.

He'll go for a while though. There's some lad like churn and some lad like... A few lads and honestly, cause controversially, yeah, a few lasses as well. I kind of fancy electricians. All right, okay. I've always had a thing for them, yeah? Yeah. Any trade, snicker pants, anything like that.

Yeah, I think it's attractive when a man can do stuff. You know what I mean? Rather than... I've never gone for like intelligent men. No. That's clear. I wasn't going to say But that was what I was going to say

That was a roller coaster of emotions Because she said It's attractive what I'm going to do stuff And I kind of looked at the camera thinking I can't really do anything And then she hits with I never go for intelligent men I got double fucked up there

No you're funny though That was your thing That was the talent Funny wins every time I've been laughed into bed by gargoyles I swear to God That is an autobiography title Isn't it?

Copyright that Yeah Laft into bed by gargoyles. Holy Chalk away. Oh my God. I'm getting spread out.

I love that. Funny always wins. Every woman I know it's the same. It's the same. It's always. I think women are very much drawn to personality.

Yes. Here's an interesting thing. I saw a clip of a podcast recently and it was Jimmy Carr talking to someone else. It just popped up on my Instagram and I've never thought about this in my life

but he said that men on a one-night stand lower their standards. Did you say this? And women raise their standards on a one-night stand. Is that true? Yeah.

I don't know because men are such a, they're such fascinating little ferrets that I don't know what goes through your head when you're trying to get a one-night stand. I feel like men would just ride anything. They'd do whatever. Yeah. So they're more of their standards.

But it's said that women raise their standards for a one-night stand. I haven't had a one-night stand for a long time. Oh, no, I don't know. Have you not? It's a couple, it's been a while. I have, I can tell this right now, when I was single,

I was just constantly looking for love. Sorry. Sorry, but that was this terrible part. It was a terrible part to interrupt you there. What fuck was that? I am opening my talk. Two ADHD women trying to have a conversation. That's what this is.

I tried to interrupt you both beforehand. I tried to interrupt you both the forehand. I put a joke in it and it was like trying to cross a six lane motorway. Yeah, just shut up then. I'm going to. Just shut up. No, go on. Sorry, go on.

You're saying you're looking for love. No, I just always... Yeah, but the spirits just spoke to you. What was that? Because I suddenly realized what Jimmy's saying, and it's exactly what yours. saying as well, it's like, I I think the casual sex scene is very

much veered towards male enjoyment. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Like, you know, unless you, like, it's very, how many women are having, like, swinging from the rafters on a one-night stand? No. I don't know him. Maybe there are, I wanted a cuddle. Exactly. So we go for, we're looking for something else. So, there's no point us riding an ugly lad.

We're like, we're not getting out of it. Yeah, that is, that is true. Yeah, because you're not you're not just wanting sex. You're just like, oh my gosh, you're attractive and you're lovely. And I'll we could get married. You just want to ejaculate into a jar that has hands and eyes.

A warm, nice jar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is my first thought every morning, yes, okay, great. Where's my jar? Jop. Jop. How many one night to stand to be words? How many one night stand to be able.

Yeah, I mean. Why is this the only time you two, fuck has it been quiet? I'm like, oh, he's opening up. Get more wine into him there. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. You know all about this stuff, don't you?

Do you got some relation to a farm? Rosie, no. I worked on a farm for two days. And it was the hardest, worst two days of my most stressful, more stressful than giving birth. What? Getting married, getting divorced, like the... No. If you, if, okay, do you want me to tell you what?

Well, I want to know all about these horrible two days. I have to... I left school very young 15 and I got a job in an office. And I was just like, oh, there's got to be more to life than this. And, you know, going into an office. And I thought, what I'll do is I'll work on a farm, yeah, can be out in the... Because I love the countryside. So you played a game of opposites there is what you did.

You went indoor, electric, outdoor, no electric, gold. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm from the country. Where are you from? Well, no, I'm from Gloucester. Is that not the countryside? It's surrounded by the countryside, but it's a town.

It's a lovely town. I've just always loved nature and things like this, not thinking that. I mean, I don't know what I thought I would be doing, sat on a, you know, bay hail reading a book or something, but it was not that. So I saw this advert in The Gloucester Citizen of a, like, a farmhand. And I was like, it's going to be just amazing. First thing was, get there at six o'clock to milk the cows.

How old were you? 15, 16. Oh, no, no, no. No. On my motorbike, I had an R.S. 250. Of course he did. So actually, I must have been 16, I think. Got my overalls, my penknife, like a few little tools. Yeah, yeah.

Like dress up, like playing dress up. To the farm. Oh, my God. Got there. The farmer and his wife. Every single job was the most stressful. Like, I, I would. rather die dressed as an aunt in front of 5,000 people, which I did do.

And that is not stressful for me at all. Stage die. Stage die. Yeah, so she's not in her second life and she was an insect. She's mad, she's mad, she's mad, she's mad, she's not that mad. They never do any, right, so I got there, oh, can you milk the cows? Yeah. Well, then I was walked into this huge, like, hangar type building, you know, like a huge barn.

It's called a bond. Okay, a very big one. No, but when you say barn, you know, you think of like a wooden structure. You've really like, what's the word, luxuriate at this in your mind. Yeah, you've romanticised it. Yeah, you know, babe, the film. Yeah.

Come pig. This pig doesn't talk. This isn't a real thought. Why are these findings so like facie? So, and there's these. cows in there. And I'm like, oh my God. So, and all these machines, I'm quite scared by machinery anyway. I mean, farming, don't laugh. This is really funny because you're all there on a motorbike, but you're scared of machinery. Yeah, but riding a bike isn't the same as the big,

the big old machine. I know what you mean. It's, this is the 1980s. You weren't even born, I don't expect. And, you know, you're in, so it's like a, a swimming pool that has no water in it. You stand in that bit, the cow's feet are at your eye level. Oh God. And then you have to get these big long, like something out of bloody 1984.

And put them on the teats. Put them on the teats. Right, I've romanticised it. I thought I would be like a young Swiss girl doing that. Yeah, with the metal sort of. Yeah. You did have to get their muck off their teets with your hand first. And I'm squeamish as well. Like I don't like giving blood or genitals or anything like that.

So I've had to get like capo of the others. What did this smell? The smell was the last thing on my mind. You know, I'm doing this like, you know. And then I'm having to get these huge suckers that are on pipes, like something out of a horror film onto them. Modern deer farming, isn't it? Without really being given any like training

Because I think they thought that The best way to train people is to throw them in Literally at the deep end You know, that's what I was in And then, well then what happened Because the cows knew that I was new by my touch Well they were just wee and poo on me And and I

No, I'm sorry I haven't told you the worst bit yet I'm just not the idea that cows are Oh, Derek, did you shit on the new girl? I'll show I pissed on her pissed on the new girl. But they did, that's what they did. I think they knew you were new, so they were like, screw me. And because you're down concentrating, you don't see the tail go up or anything like that. But this will make you laugh even more.

So I was in my brand new overalls. You know, playing at being a farmhand. Might have put like plats in or something as well. And then he said, His name was Richard, the farmer. Don't worry, I'll hose you down. I was like, hose me down. Okay, yeah, I mean, I needed to be hosed down.

So went into the courtyard of the farm and he got this hose and then was literally hosing me down with cold water and it was in the winter. And I was like, sizzlinger, that, ugh. And I was really small and weak anyway, like, when I was that. And then I just looked up, like traumatised

and I just saw his wife literally dying. of laughing in the kitchen. Talking at, yeah. I mean, it's probably, it is probably quite funny to see the new person. Yeah, that's... Everything I did was either wrong or terrifying. I'm scared of heights and I had to climb up this ladder to throw the bales of hay down onto, like, a truck or something.

So I was going up the ladder like this, oh God, and then climbed to this huge... And do you know how heavy, like a bale of hay is? I can't even imagine. Are we talking the square ones? I mean, there's nothing in here big enough. But they're not the round ones, but the square ones. There are people sit on a wednesday.

A block of hay. I fed the cows gravel instead of their feed. I didn't wonder they were pissing on you. Well, that was after. Gravel! Well, it looked similar. Everything was in these massive sacks. I don't bloody know.

What made you, so what did you, you went to bed that night and did you think, because you, I would have told you the worst. Oh my God, what's worse than getting haws down? There's two more things. Right. The one thing was bringing the cows in. Oh my God. It is, I would actually rather be kidnapped.

And held at gunpoint. And that is not an invitation for anyone who might be listening, by the way. I would be because I think I'd be able to get my head around that. Right. Picture the scene. How do you met a cow? I'm terrified of cows. No, Chris.

No, do you know how big they are? They're massive. Because of their personality. You've ever asked me if I've met a cow. They are enormous. I'm terrified of them. Enormous. Yeah, they're huge.

Huge. Yeah. And even though they're not naturally aggressive. They can be, though. Yes. If a cow ran at me, I'd ship me pants. Yeah. Well, let me ask you something, seeing as this is such fun.

You're 15. You've been told to bring the cows in. What does that mean? I don't know if you gave me a tiny stick or something. It shows you where they are in a field, which is a long way away. It's not like next to the farmhouse. So you go out, and it might be a frosty morning. I think it was the winter that I, anyway, so you go out, there's nobody else around.

Yeah. You have to get 20 cows to follow you. So I'm going, A, they're huge. B, I'm like going, please come in. Please follow me. Like prodding them a bit. Oh my God. Like, I haven't got a dog.

Like, I mean, what would I do with a dog? You know, because dogs get sheep anyway. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. So you're trying to, you know, you open the gate and actually fair play. God bless them. after a while

they did sort of you know I'd be going come on please I think I cried the whole two days because I was like crying going up the ladder crying oh my I've just remembered something

so the two things the one is he said have you driven a tractor before I was like no and he was like okay so we jumped on a tractor and he was like this is how you change gear blah blah blah

went across two fields and then he said, we'll just go through some fields and then we'll drive back to the barn. On our way back, I was talking to him, they're really noisy as well and I was like,

oh, he's not really answering. He had jumped off and I hadn't realised. And I was talking to him, oh, how do you stop it? And he's not on the tractor. He's like a field back, like waving at me. So I just, I didn't know how to stop it.

So I sort of drove around for a bit and then sort of drove into like the side of like an outbuilding. This is wild. It's not the worst thing. What do you mean? Oh my God, what is this worst thing? The worst thing that made me cry the most and took the longest. And the only thing I can relate it to is,

well, I had to get a newborn calf, which was covered in all like the yellow stuff. Yeah. From a pen into a cage on the back of the trawlown. actor. Oh my God. And this is just in two days. Oh my God.

Like this is crazy. How did you do that? Well, I obviously didn't. It must be like trying to pick up something that's been buttered. But it's not like a puppy size. No, they're massive. Oh God, they're huge. A calf is big, upset because it's like going to be taken away from its mum.

I was upset about that. It's not, can't really stand properly. So its legs are like falling out from underneath it. In the end, I just stood there crying. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, I would do the same. I think you've got to be hard to work on a farm, don't you?

Like, tough. Like, tough. No, you've got to be born into it. Yeah. Or a psychopath. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. My favourite animal is, one of my favourite animals is a fox. I'm really down for, I'm really, listen, Rosie,

I'm down for animals that have bad reps because I like rooting for the underdog. Okay. Well, wait till you own a house with a fox. the garden. I have a house of a garden and they're all right. We've got a couple of dogs, so they don't bother us. Well, well, well, well, well. We got them in our garden and you just think one night

when our kids are out, are they going to come and take one of my kids' faces off? No, right. Your kid? That happened where we live. That happened, man. A fox got in someone's house and went to the baby's cot and like bit the baby. That's very rare, Rosie.

Actually, well, it happens. But it hasn't happened. Also, but that happens with dogs. Yeah, I haven't forgotten. No. No. Julian, do you know understand?

No dogs, no foxes. Can I tell you why? Get a cat. I think foxes are so cute and I think they are gorgeous and sometimes when we see the little baby ones I'm like, oh my God. The reason I didn't like it

is because these foxes that were in our garden kept waiting the kids up at 4 o'clock in the morning. No, listen, the way they sound at night is a fucking joke. This is what I mean. We're crying baby shit when they're having sex and that. Mad. Yeah, it sounds like a underage orgy happening your garden. Someone was asleep when they were making up the animals for that.

Yeah, they were waking the kids up. I was right. I'm sure I thought about this on the podcast but when Rath was getting up when our youngest was getting really early. There's shit in the garden. They're shit, it fucking burns the grass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're wild.

But they are cute. They are. But one morning, it must be about half, five, maybe earlier, and Rath was getting up really early and I would like, I don't like lining better.

If I'm up, I'm up, so I just go downstairs. I remember I stood at the window when I was just watching, and this fox was just walking down the patio. Yeah, yeah. It's just like that. They're giving it large.

They're getting braver. They are. It saw me, and it went right. And it like started running. It was running on the spot there was part of its brain going Fox are you doing up at this time? Like, why are you going to have five? Yeah, bro, we shouldn't have seen each other.

I literally, I remember turning, Ray was like three at the time. I remember going, I shouldn't have seen that. I should be asleep. Yeah, Fox is they roam. So the mad thing is I remember there was one day, right, where like I was with, like, this is like an old, old girlfriend.

And it was like, you know, I've been very public. I've always got those of fox smiles. I've got a fox tattoo anyway. Oh, you really like foxes then. I was a bit sad. I was a bit sad that day. And I remember they saw a fox. And they went, oh, look, it's a fox, Jordan, in the middle of the street.

And I was like, oh, it is. But obviously, I know a little bit about foxes. I'm like, if there's foxes alone in the daytime, this isn't a good sign. Really? So we like walk up and the fox isn't even running. It's just chilling. Oh, this is so sweet. As in night, this would cheer you up.

And I'm like, I don't think this fox is okay. I'm kind of get near it. And then it, it, it, kind of like hobbled into a bush. I went and got some food, some water, left it out, was barely going near it. Rungna R-S-P-C-A, the woman's come down in the van, and she went, oh yeah, you know, this is typical around this time of,

you've done the right thing. And I'm like, what do you mean? Boss, she gets a thing out of the car, and she went, look, this is the most humane thing to do. And they literally, in front of me, but it's my favourite animal, and I was already sad. Listen, listen, listen, this was so mad. I was like, what do you mean?

She went, this fox is injured, it's been left by its pack, it's out in the day because it's going to die slowly over two weeks. The most humane thing is to kill it now. And I went, oh my God, I've just called for the assassination of this fucking fox. And then this is the bit that killed me the most. She went, look, it'll be over in a second. She opened the back of the van and another dead fox fell out. And she went, oh, sorry.

I was like, stood on the side of the road I stood on the side of the road in floods of tears where I was sobbing my eyes out and she went, you guys can carry on now and then the next was like maybe it's not a sign. Oh my God. I did nothing.

You were going to say that that dead folks came out. She had killed about four that day. This woman was going round because that's what it is. You still got a number. Good. No. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Hi, Chris and Rousey, please keep me anonymous. A fellow veterinary... This is the homey op-ed again. Do you know what's so gas as well? Because I'm not in school anymore, and rightly so, I... It would be inappropriate, but I still turning up. They'd be like, let it go, bitch.

I do find it... I feel like I'm losing my spelling a bit, because I don't write. Like, you know the way in class are always writing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's just an excuse if I completely... There's no judgment here, Joanne. We know you can't see it.

And your two winds in. A fellow veterinary co-worker. Let's call him. Chris told me this story and knowing he's as straight as they come. I just know it will be true. Okay. Chris lived with the much lesser paid colleague who was a veterinary intern. Long hours, weekends, nights and on call for one of the lowest paid wages in the hospital.

Oh, my God. Remember, have you seen your man who puts on the prosthetic legs on the... Is it super vet? No. And he puts like prosthetic legs on animals and all. Oh. It's deadly. We'll continue.

Nice. One weekend at home and his housemate working. He was, I don't know, when we count, something housemate working. Chris was looking through his chest freezer looking for dinner inspirations. At the bottom of the freezer, he noticed some sealed cardboard boxes with no labels or hints of what was inside. He decided to open one and have a look. Oh, God. No, it's bits, no, it's bits of animals.

It's inside were. Oh. I'd like some guesses. Do you want some, oh, guesses? Bits, bits of animal. Right. No, could it be dead mice to feed to a snake? Because it eats frozen mice.

It's a great recommendation. This is a full, this is fucking, oh. Should put buzzers in? He's his ex-wife. No, it's bits of dog or bits of cat or something. It's horrible. This is horrible. Go on. Pigeon? Pigeon?

Yes. No. Your eyes! Oh my God, they little. That was so cute. I will love you then on your bucket of it. I'm telling you. I'm happy now. Will I tell you?

Yeah. A self-sealed plastic bag zipped shut each individually containing a big fat frozen poop. Exclamation point. In the fucking communal freezer. It's in a sandwich bag. Let's not be germophobes.

When the housemate returned, Chris decided to open the conversation with So, I was looking for food in the freezer and came across Oh, you found my boxes, the housemate replied. No shock, no lies, just to plain admission that they were his. File. Turns out he had an arrangement with a colonically challenged internet customer

who had agreed to buy his poop so that he could replace his gut flora and improve his ever problematic digestive system with the contents from my housemate's seemingly balanced bell. Sorry, so this has got fuck all to do with being a vet. He's selling his shit online. I think that's what I'm reading. but yeah they would meet in a service station

and the poop will be sorry sorry and we're handed over in exchange for can you guys how much money or five of a poo

no it's going to be more than that you got travel in that now one's shit in a bag for a fibre 50 quid yes bang on the money 50 good of that listen now I'd rather not comment I'll be honest with

it's suspiciously bang on there Chris it was a complete guess and obviously you know those years anyone listening who does want poo it has gone up Bicious. 50 pound of shit?

That's actually not too bad. Like some fecal drug deal. I have so many questions. So do I. Did the customer put the poop directly into his butt? Or was it treated in some way as a cocktail formulated for him to drink? That was my first question. Really?

Tick. He's ingesting it? He's ingesting it, yeah. For sure. It's like when a woman eats for Charles Placenta. Sounds pagan, but it's actually really good for your insights. I know. It's just not what, I'm nothing against anyone.

I just wasn't at that. I didn't think about that. I have a lot of friends who got it turned into tablets and yeah, that kind of jazz. But do you know what? Actually, one of them was saying recently she goes, I wouldn't be bothered with that again. I think it can get swept up in a lot of shit

I was going to say, but you know what I mean? Literally. That's what I'm saying. At that point in the time, I just wasn't thinking about eating me, yeah, you're getting on with us. I was like, I've got shit to do. I couldn't breastfeed so I was just

yeah, that was more concerned. Yeah. But I know, I've heard of this fecal people eating around shit. What do you mean? Why? What do you mean? It's like the new thing.

What? It's a fucking new thing I hate everyone Yeah It's like It's basically very boogey Botox From what I know

It's all very woman circle I beat that That's my understanding Right Fuck mate Like I say Kate Moss is eating around shit If I was to guess Allegedly

It's up there I love how you just You just don't give too shits About anyone But you know what I mean It feels very Codewite Like salmon spoon injections

That's a light meal Are you Are you No I've never Taking the piss Oh I've had a lot There's a lot of sperm in my face. They're all laughing at it.

I'm surprised there's a fish left. Yeah. Chris, I'm not wanking them. They're wanked somewhere else and then put in my face. Also, you're not even putting in it. I'm not engaging with the animals. Really? You're just, if anything, that's disgraceful.

That's worse. I know it is actually, isn't it? How many salmons does it take to get sperm? Because they're like... I don't know. I don't meet them. No. It's not like we...

There's no arrangement. Wow. She's got a guy. I'm watching a car to the back of a petrol station. He's got a guy who does that? Are there showing the salmon porn? I don't understand what happened. I know.

Listen, we'll never know. We'll never know. But that's like legitimate. That's actually happening. And look, I'm not going to lie. If I thought it would knock a year off me, would I eat my own?

You'd eat your own shit? Probably. Would you? Bad at this. This person is literally eating a stranger's shit. I eat cheese strings. What could be worse than that? but honestly what could be worse than that

I wouldn't have a bad word said about cheese strings really when cheese when we had children my question is why do you have all these children things in your fridge when you don't have kids but they're in our fridge because we've got kids now

because I've the palate of a four year old Are you for to eat there? No I'm not I could eat the same thing over and over and over again I could eat waffles and beans I could eat nice my palate just never

I'm not a foodie at all right at all I love eating but like do you ever push the beans into the holes of the waffles no because

I put so much butter on and they're all floating around they couldn't stick even if I try you butter on the waffles you butter

your waffles you have a waffle and you butter a bird's eye potato waffle of all the cultural differences between Ireland

and the UK I didn't expect to be butter on a waffle I've never butter what? What do you do with them just fucking eat them

cook them and eat them how do you make them moist how do you make them moist I don't my saliva sort of handles

Oh no. Mine are like, they're basically mashed potatoes. Right. So you... It makes sense, though, because I put butter on jack potato. Why wouldn't I put it on a waffle?

Two waffles. Take them out and then put easy, easy singles in the middle of them. What's that? Cheese. The plastic cheese. Yeah, yeah. And then butter it all

and like let it swim around if it's down grease. It makes sense. And a glass of peanut. Oh, nice. Perfect. Peas well as well with the cheese. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Dear Chris and Rosie. please keep me anonymous. Always. Me and my husband were on our long walk one weekend. We'd had a lovely pub lunch and we were on our way

cross-country to get home. My husband is a bit of an exercise guy so he loves to be active at the weekends. And after our own heart there. Yeah, there he is. I wonder if he washes his face with characters. It was when we're in the middle of a field that he was caught short by the dairy in his lasagna

and told me that he needed to go immediately. So when I heard long walk and pub lunch, you heard me go, mm. You're at that age in life now. I know the brand and I am at that.

I get it. I get it. Although I'm telling you right now, I will not shit outside my own house even by accident. You will never catch me. Really? Nah, you will never catch me short.

There's a personal question. Can you poo in public toilets? My dad is an absolute mate. I'll tell you the story my dad after this. Okay. But anyway. I will only poo in a hotel

that I'm staying out on my own house. house. Oh, hotel. Oh, nice. He just loves hotels. Right. He needed to go immediately.

Right. To be fair, there was no one around. So off he went to squat behind a tree. Animal, disgusted. Lock them up. Feral. We'd been here before. What, that location,

is like a dog, can go back to the same place. So I wasn't surprised by his need for a nature shit. Okay. He came back from behind the tree and we carried on walking. After a few minutes, I started to smell something. No. Turns out, he had tied his shorts up too tight and didn't get them down in time,

thus shitting himself in his boxes. This guy's gone out for a lasagna and hammocked his pants. Hommicked his pants. Ammock! Ammock! Is that a thing? Have you just made that up? Is that a natural thing? It always makes me finger that.

It's a... Swinging about. And he's quitter. He's hucketting. He's quitters. He's hammock these quitters. Sam, you're going to have a podcast, man. That's it.

But you refuse to throw them away. No. Nah. I understand. You understand? What is they're nice set of Patagonias or something like that? Oh, shut up, man. No way.

And also, they're probably made of just, like, plastic. So you just... No, he's not... He's not being ecologically minded yet. He's just being... He would rather walk home kicked in his own feces. Mate, it's like a snap in the tabloids.

He could have got rid of it. Go on. Oh, that's just gross. He just refused to fram away. He said they were his technical pants. They like to wear when he exercises and he didn't want to sacrifice them. Safe to say, I walk the rest of the way ten steps ahead of him. Very much staying upwind, gross.

Out of interest. Do either of you own your own technical pants? Now, first of all, awful. Second of all, the fact that he just didn't, I couldn't, how embarrassing. What? I couldn't walk home with it. What if you say someone you know?

Yeah. And you're not walking normal as well with that. No, he's John leaving the shit out of that, yeah, 100%. Yeah, he's disgusting. I've got, I only, I'm a WIFRond guy now. I've got, I'll be honest with you. All my friends have gone Wifront,

and I feel like an actual, so it's funny in it. I'm 36. Two years. So I'm still wearing like surf shorts, like longboard shorts. No, kind of. Which isn't a good. Well, actually, no, to be fair, they're not like down here.

They're there. So they've got to, they're slightly European. Right. Bad for your balls, you know. Yeah, better. Yeah, yeah. No, bad. They're bad.

Yeah, you need some support. You've got to keep them supported. Oh, I thought you just let them. No, you're taking that. No, it's actually bad for them. Well, there you go. You've got to keep them in. Right.

So, um. Man is, uh, man is, uh, My name's Samarano. Welcome to Wembley. This next one's called My Boles are Long. Oh, long balls are long. Yay! Bars are long, man.

But yeah, you start feeling like a bit immature when you're hanging out with your mates when they're all wearing wifference. Yeah, Christy, you do look very mature. It's very sort of like, oh, why did I think of Christy and Bill in bloody, in American Psycho? Wow, thank you for that. It is a bit that.

But I am, I started wearing wifference for exercise because I was on, I think I was on an exercise bike and there was, you know, there were dropping each side of the seat. Like sitting on walnuts. And the fact that we haven't, the fact that we, side note, the fact that we haven't redesigned the bike seat.

I don't know what's going on. But anyway, so I started wearing wire fronts for exercising. And then one day I was just popping in the shop and I didn't have any of the boxer briefs clean. I thought, I'll put the wirefronts on. New man. Really?

I felt taller. I felt swift. I was, I felt fucking ice skating to that shop. It was unbelievable. I think they'll make your bum look quite nice. Thank you. What brand do you get?

I'm going to go and get some now. Puma or Bam, the bamboo ones. Oh, I've heard a lot about bamboo stuff. Very nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. However, if I'm around the pool on holiday and there was a man in speedos, I want to physically hurt them.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're not for public consumption. No, I'm taught. So you're against the swimwear, right, because this is the thing. A lot of my mates have started wearing, like, the swimwear version. So when you go through a little sea swim altogether as a group,

I feel like an actual teenager. Yeah. Yeah. With my Vulcan shorts on and everyone's wearing Speedos. And I'm like, Lee. Exactly. It's got a sort of vibe of wearing DCs. There's a cutoff point.

Quick so, do you know what I mean? Honestly, Chris, I think you're about eight years away from wearing Speedos on the beach. I swear to God, if I wear speeders, if you catch me wearing Speedos on the beach, reminders of this and I will walk into the sea and never come back. Right. Okay. Oh. Oh, you're excited for that.

Yeah, yeah. Tell me about your dad. You were going to tell a story about your dad and the poo and nothing. Oh, yeah, yeah. My dad is one of those guys. And we always joke. Because when I used to work with him

on building sites and stuff where sometimes there's just been no toilet and sometimes you'd work around like a posh person's house and they'd lock every door. You weren't allowed to, you couldn't even think about having a shit in their toilet.

They just weren't allowed. And yeah, that's what they did. No, no, yeah. It's true, it's true. Oh, the deal of, like, I'll always make the bill that's cups of tea and stuff, but the day of the bill asks to use me toilet for a shite.

I'm well, No, you see, my brother's a plasterer, so I'm very on, like, I think it's a shame, isn't it? But we got told, we offered, I offered quite a lot to people who've worked in our house. But then we found out that they've just got a bucket in the van. Yeah, this is, yeah, this is what. A bucket in the van. Well, my dad's been driving before and his phrase is almost, oh, I must go. That's it.

It's always, oh, I must go. And me and my mate, Gary, we used to work with him, like, putting up, like, we're doing all stud work and ceilings in this, like, you know, opposite the Tate Lyle factory, on the Thames, like in Woolwich area. All right, yeah. All these old buildings that they converted in studios. And me, my dad and my friend, Gary, we did all that together. But he was, he was like, there'd be this plastering bucket in the van. And, yeah.

You're shit in there. Not me. Not a chance. No. But people of a certain age in the trades, they've been through. They don't care. They don't care. They've been through it all.

And they just got to go. And the end of the end. As my dad says, I must go. Of course, I must go. And the apprentice cleans the buckets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, yeah. In the end, I ended up sort of having to do it.

No way. No way. I want to make that clear. My dad did not force me to clean shit out of his classroom. I'm honestly not. I couldn't go anywhere, me. Really? Yeah.

Creep out by me though, you know. Yeah. I think I've got a high BS. I just don't want to give, I don't want to cut anything else. So mine's probably like, literally I'll be fine. And then it's like, oh. I'm just like, yeah, whatever I must go, was lovely

It's quite a middle class way of saying it Well yeah, but the way he did it wasn't Because he was John waning Or I've been in with, like him While he's listening to the radio driving home And his legs are doing this Oh, I must go And the traffic's getting worse

And you can see him stressing And I'll just be sat next to him Howling, laughing Because I can see he's like just I can see this man losing his will to live Do you know what I mean? And I'm fine, my bowels are empty And you feel free as a bird in it

And knowing that You don't have that concern because everyone knows what it feels like when it's the worst. It's one of the most sort of pathetic feelings. It's crap. So vulnerable. Either time, if you're just,

you're like, oh my God, I need some of my. Like a headshot about spikes. Even if I'm like, if I'm in the tour of van, you know, if I'm going to a,

we're going to a gig or if I'm just in the car or anything and I need a weave. There's something in your brain that goes, I will feel like this forever. This will never go. This desperation is going to be with me forever. And then you go tight and you can't believe it.

You're like, I've been. It's gone. Yeah. You feel amazing. You come out like Carlton from the Fresh Prince. Every time, mate is so true. Never get told the purest freedom from concern exists. Is that?

Why is it that no matter where we are, who we're talking to, we always end up talking about shit. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me in honour. I am mum to five kids, well done. And to clarify, yes, it's chaos. My husband and I had our 10-year anniversary this year. My mum flew over from the UK to look after the kids

so we could go on a special kid-free holiday to the Maldives. With no one to ruin my clothes, I decided I'd start my holiday in style with a classy yet relaxed white linen co-award. Nice. I felt like a different woman. Now before boarding, we had a few beers, as you do, a meal and enjoyed the relaxing experience of kid-free travel.

until we get to the flight. I'm upset. I'm already upset. As soon as you said white, wrong bells run. As we all sat with the seatbelt, by the way, if there's any casting directors watching, please. As we're all sat with the seatbelt light on,

my stomach was churning. Oh, Jesus. The night finally turned off. I ran down the aisle, literally pushed past the other passengers waiting for the toilet, and ran. Ran in, sorry, the second someone came out.

It was too late. My beautiful new white linen pants were ruined. Oh, no. No. I sat on the toilet crying. Well, I know what that's like. So much crying on this podcast. With the start of food poisoning.

I was in there so long, the air hostess knocked on the door to check on me. I was so scared to open the door and face a plane full of passengers, of strangers. My husband slept the whole time and didn't know what had happened. Luckily, and out of habit, I had a change of clothes in my carry-on But I couldn't relax a second of the 16 hours of travel I felt so ill and was constantly heading back to the toilets avoiding all eye contact Looking forward to travelling with the kids again next time

As being covered in kids' mess is much less embarrassing than my own Don't wear white on a flight This is the thing Don't wear white in general I think Yeah, white pants is bald I have to wear white pants. I haven't got any white pants.

I haven't got you white pants. I think I've got one pair of white jeans and I don't wear them. No. Because I think I've never in my life shat me pants as an adult but I will do it if I wear them kind of thing. Well, one week of the month I can't wear them anyway. That's dangerous. God, it must be. Yeah, I, that's, she, yes.

I think you have to be confident when things like that happen though. Own it. Own it. Waddle down that aisle. You know, we are. What are we? We're just bits of meat that make noises and smells.

It's so true. And if I... It is. It is. What a beautiful sentiment to end on. I'm not going to do online dating, but if I did, that would be my... Your bio.

I'm just a piece of meat that makes noises and smells. Yeah. Come and get me. I'm ready. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Can I tell you a story that seems kind of relevant?

And you can decide what to do. with it if you will. Yeah? Yeah. I, it's going back a long time but there was, how will I tell this

without litigation? A friend of a friend. See allegedly. Allegedly. You know what? A friend of a friend was going out with a guy and he was behaving,

she thought he was kind of cheating on her and we were chatting about it and then she said I should have known when I found the shield out in the freezer.

Sheldon. Shildo. What's his shildo? Should I know what it is? No, I pray that you do not. Oh, right, okay. Is it a female dildo? No, it's basically...

And I'm only saying this because you brought up poop in the freezer. Come on. Her fella, Shatna, I can't even say it. Shatna condo.

Shatna condo and froze. And uses it as a dildo. To himself. Oh, fuck him out. Anyway, it's so nice to meet you guys. This has been an immediate interesting. I'd love to come over again.

Come back again. And you know what the art is called when you do that? Are we calling it ours? Abstract. He's an artist, darling. Picasso, my love. I think it's called Zuman. What is that?

Yeah, Zummin is when you masturbate. No, Zumman is when you masturbate with a frozen shit delto. No. I did not expect. I did not expect you to clasp back my Shildall story with something even worse. I know. I missed that step.

I didn't know it's called Shildo. Yeah. Oh, shit Dildo. Shit Dildo. Chris, you need to do better and educate yourself. How, are you nothing to contribute to the Shildow-Zoming situation.

Should I tell you about Feltren? Come, we just, no. Come and we call it a day now. What is it? It's when somebody, a man ejaculates inside of your asshole and then you suck it out with a straw. Oh, yeah.

That's Sunday afternoon. God, if I had a penny for every falchum Every time I was falching Float, out feldion. Yeah, it's a hobby. How's a load of butter on it. Do you have my knowledge is felt out? Honey, grab the shield out.

Shildo has upset me. And let's rock strictly for the evening and just relax. Shilda was really, really upset me, something rotten. How do they get it in the condom? There's my question. The felsion now, I have to say that's kind of, fucking worst sausage factory ever. Ugh.

Put in shit, I can't even describe how bad. Bad that would be a day of trying to put my own shit into a condom. What are you doing? Oh, well, you're not, Chris, think outside the box now. You're not shitting. You're not trying to aim it in. Yeah, but there's going to be a moment where you're opening a condom and you're trying to put your... And you can't.

It's not a moment where these people are doing this and they think, what have I done with me like? No, I think, people love it. People love it. And they're not hurting anyone. You can't even see what's going up yours. Just use a normal dildo. Why is it going to be a bit of shit? Because it's so dark in their head. They're like, this is.

Grouse. I've said it before and I'll say it again and I believe we should hold hands and really, really try and get it to come. Can I hold hands? You can hold the hand as well. Come on. I'm going to say it out loud.

Send the asteroid. Oh yeah, I know you mean. Send the asteroid. Yeah. Send it now. Yeah. Let it get me first. We have straight to Rousey first.

She'll be out there kind of trying to catch it in her face. Don't let me live here. Because the baddies always survive. That's a thing. The baddies all survive. The body's all survive and I don't want to live in it. Freezing each other shit. at least if there is a zombie apocalypse

there'll be no electricity to run the freezers to freeze the shit in Congress and I think that is I think that's a lesson for us long. I think that's where we leave this I agree. It's been freezing.

It's been, you know, hasn't it? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do.