Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Two

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

In the second instalment of Please Keep Me Anonymous Best Ofs, Chris and Rosie are joined by Greg Davies, Vogue Williams, Olly Murs and fellow podcasting duo Jordan North and William Hanson! They chat about the I'm A Celeb jungle, haircuts at Harrods, X factor and Greg's appearance on ChuckleVision. All this, with stories sent in by you and read out by the guests! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash h-I-SA to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. I had to fight about the jingle, jing-gong. We couldn't set along a jingo, jing-gingle. The jingle

Jingo We hope you like the Jing do do do do Jingo Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Babadu Bhabo do Bhabo do Bap Jingo It's Greg Deavis everyone

Just our street Clapman And you're clapping yourself The loatiness claps in Britain Let's add some applause into that Thank you very much Thanks for having me

And having a chat with us It's absolutely lovely to see you Can I think I always start working with you Must be awful in it What just does you? Working with your partner? Oh, right, okay.

Do you know what? We love it. It has its moment. It's not always playing sailing. No. But it's actually, I've got to tell you, right? The one nice thing is, I don't know about you. While you've been in this industry a long time,

it can sometimes be really daunting when you start something on your own. Doing it with your partner. Yeah. You don't really get that feeling. No, okay. Does that make sense? Yeah, and you weirdly seem to get on well. You do?

I know it's sick, isn't it? It's sick. I was really worried there because he was like, we're at your partner? And I went, oh no, we love it. And then you went into a long, like, Tyreid. I was like, oh, shit, I've really left myself open here. Oh, okay, no, Chris likes it more than me.

Does he? Yeah, Chris, like, Chris will do it forever. He likes you more than you like him. Yes. But that's what you meant to do. You meant to marry, as a woman, maybe more. You meant to marry someone who loves you more than you love them. Is that right?

First I'm hearing of this. First I'm hearing of this in front of Greg Davies. This is well upsetting. How does that feel? Yeah, I mean, I'll let you know when I've, absorbed it I let you know when I've

sort of ran it through my head ladies marry someone who loves you more but it's on the hell of love you feel towards him

I do love him yeah right but he loves me but you're not in love with him I get it sorry are we in a fucking therapy is this therapy

is this therapy are we interviewing Greg Davies about the new seats of buscox what's happening listen do you love

right okay do you do you do you more than I love you yes or no depends

in your opinion depends what time in the month it is Are you on in this scenario? No? No. Well, yeah, well, I love you. Yeah.

Amazingly. But when you're on, I take or leave you. Oh, great, okay. We'll talk about period straight away. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, why not? Sorry, that's not, I'm not,

that's not as sex as it sounds. Rosie's very much, our period is the third host of this podcast. What you're saying is, you like women unless they're ovulating. Exactly. That's what I've heard. That is, and I will be,

and you can clip that up. You can clip that up, and I will stand by that. I think you meant to love women more when they're ovulating. It's like an old kind of... Evolutionary thing. Yeah, that's when you meant to love them more.

So actually, I think you might be gay. This show gets edited, yeah? This is edited. Very loosely. This might all stay. Okay. I don't think you might be gay. Is that okay to say?

I don't know if that's okay to say. I don't know. I mean, if it's not going to get heavily edited, I'd just like to say, I have a great admirer. for ovulating women and gaiting. Just for the record. They'll be glad.

We'll all be glad about that. That's good. Well, what we're going to do is we're going to take all of the stuff we set out and you're just going to say that out of nowhere. I'm just going to go, I like ovulating with you. We're going to ask you about buscocks and you're going to say it. It's not a quote that's going to ruin me, Chris. No, no, no.

I like ovulating with you and game. I mean, it's going to be weird. It works. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. How was the jungle? Yes. You're fresh, you are fresh out. Fresh out.

I've had the facial, got the hair done, nails are done, I'm back. Yeah. How long have you been back like two or three days? Two days. Fucking hell, man. I was busy. I was like time to scrape off the rotten. Was it as Mingian?

Was it as Mingin as it looks? It's where, like I didn't speak to anyone before going in. First mistake. So silly. So much harder than it looks on TV. Like it's, it's, it's, it's, Wild. Like, Spenny was like,

oh, I read an article where it said that they weren't being hard enough on the celebs. I was like, what's it was nice to go

after they've had that revelation. Oh, I know. And I'm like, going straight after the year where it was easy. Yeah, that'll be nice. Yeah, it was not easy.

But it is a lot of fun and like I've made, I have made good friends. Because of the start when they were all really like. Have you fuck. You're not speaking to them in a month. It's a text of Ruby Wax this morning.

I love Ruby Wax. All right. Come back in six months and tell me if you're still speaking where. Well, you will see. I will be with her in a book. What you have done, you have made, no, no, you have made a holiday friend.

We've all done it. We've all made a holiday friend. Let's meet up. Oh, yeah, you come out. And if they do meet up, you take them into your local and it's fucking horrible. Well, excuse me for now I have friends.

Yeah, for now. She's still in the bubble. Actually, I'm totally kidding because holiday friends, it's because you're in an amazing place. You're around a pool and stuff, so you make friends easier. It's probably actually harder to make friends in the jungle because one of the hardest bits I would, find.

It's genuine. I don't really, I always says, will you go in the jungle or whatever? And I'm like, I think most of the country would hate me if I went in the jungle because I'll show me true colours. Yeah, I need a certain amount of the day

where I'm just on my own and left. I need silent, I need to be with my own thoughts. The sitting around, filling the silence with people in the camp who stink would upset me so much. The whole country would be, and I'm not saying,

fair play if you can do it. But everyone watching will go, he is a knob. Yeah. He rolled, every time that poor lady says something, you rolled his eyes and then he went into that little booth and he slagged everyone off and he's not even a, and he just looks into the distance when they're talking. You're not a team player either.

No, no. The thing of it is, though, like you are filmed the whole day so you don't. And I, like, I love being around people. I never sent on my own, not one second to I spend on my own. I can't bear it. So it was fine. So you're all primed for it, yeah. They were very singing.

So you would have liked us I probably would love it, yeah I'm not When I'm at a gathering And some fucking twash gets an acoustic guitar out I want to wrap it round the head Honestly

Oh god That is the worst I'll see I would like that bit I can't Oh look Daryl brought his guitar Oh what No No

I used to be married to a singer And I'd be like Ugh Please grew I can't I'm just not a singing person I'm not like a because I'm shyed at it.

I'm a really bad singer. I'm not a good dancer and there was a lot of singing and dancing. So I found that bit a little bit hard. Cringe. But like it's not even that it was cringe because they were really good. Yeah, okay.

It's cringe if people are shit. Yeah. Do you know what I can't be? I can't be like bold games and stuff. Do you know when people are walking a board game out and when they're like, let's do this. I'm like, I'd rather die. We played a lot of games.

See, this is no, see, right. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. You're so bored Because there's no alternative So is like Most of it is just sitting around

doing nothing So you get We try to work out the time Because you don't know what time it is They never tell you what time it is And no one's allowed to talk to you Like the security aren't I'd like to talk to you

And you leave the camp And you get it In my opinion In my opinion Unnecessary I just have full conversations with them though I'm like how are you What's the crack

What's going on? I'd completely ignore you And I just continued this conversation I made up names for them And there was one guy There was a sound guy and he used to come into camp in the morning before we woke up

and sometimes he'd wake us up and then we'd winge about it but he would swap our mics and I was like he was real, real good at ignoring me like I mean I was like but then I met him after and I was like oh hang on

that wasn't an act he's actually just saying he was still ignoring me when I went out I was like okay so hang on so you could wake up at half four in the morning

or half eight in the morning and you wouldn't know we thought it was half five so we thought we woke up at half five in the morning they would start waking us up because we worked out that the show was on at seven

so you'd hear them shouting I was everybody get me out of here and then you'd kind of work it out from then. God's like Hunger Games yeah it's like that's torture I know but it's like

being in the arena at Hunger Games and working out who's died by the don't I don't believe Anteck would have something to say about that but you know whatever

oh I couldn't live like that you're running the Hunger Games shame welcome to the Hunger Games it's quite a bit like that you don't You don't care, though, because like, now that I've got back, I'm like, oh, my God, there's so much stuff to do. And, like, you don't fully appreciate how much time you have to just, like, do normal stuff.

You don't have your phone. And, like, it's quite nice to go and collect wood and to do all those things. Because, like, it's so, like, back to, I don't know, the Stone Age. Yeah. Did you miss the kids? Yeah. That's my thing. I think that got me. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I think that leaving them because you don't speak to anyone. So they take your phone off when you land. Yeah. And then you've no phone. You can't speak to anyone. and I wish I'd brought a burner phone But you had time beforehand, didn't you?

So you went in later? Yeah. So what happened? So when you land in Australia, they take your phone? Take your phone. So then how long until you went in the jungle? So then it was three days before I went in the jungle and so you've a chaperone with you the whole time.

My poor chaperone, I was like at half six in the morning. Come over, we go to the gym. She's like, meow. Wow. I'd be like, thankful. I'd be like, I don't want to be here, but I'm actually quite glad. I think everyone's on here. Are they to stop you're like just picking up a landline and.

You can't. Now, you don't ring anyone now. But you forget about your phone so quickly. And I was, I love my phone so much. And then I was like, it didn't matter. Nice to have a brain. And then getting out, it's kind of, I was a bit scared to turn it back on. It's like, you know, when it's your birthday and people find out and they start texting. It's like, you're ruining my birthday.

Like, now I have to run back to you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stop texting. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. I was at a new year. I was at my family's New Year's Eve party.

Yeah. And dance me tonight was currently number one in the charts. And it had been out for a while at this point. and we were singing and my mum my family were like, put the dance to me tonight on like it's, you know, it's a brilliant song and we played it and my mum was dancing to me and she was singing

the, she wasn't even singing the right lyrics. I mean, it was way off the actual song. I'm looking around going, if you ever had wind up, it's been out for like five, six weeks. Literally everywhere. I mean, genuine at the time, I think it was at number one for like two or three weeks. Brilliant.

Like it was the most play day. play record of that time. I'm thinking to my mum. She's obsessing the song. She's obsessed with me. That's my son's song. Well, no, clearly. She's going, I just want to.

She didn't even know the dance with me tonight bit. She got it completely wrong. The fucking name of the song. Half a way through dancing with her. I was like, Mom, like, pulled this face. Do you actually even know my songs? Do you know, I think that keeps you grounded, though? It does.

Like that, I think you know people in this industry, who are surrounded by yes people. Yeah. Just constantly. And they're not on this planet. No. They just... Well, that was one thing when I first got into it.

I was like, I could see straight through people. Like, I was just like, what is this? Like, people come up to me just saying like all this bullshit. Bullshit. Yeah. I'm like, shut out, mate. Yeah. This isn't...

The two cheek kisses. Mois and, darling, you are this. And, oh, get crawl out of my asshole and fuck off. The thing is as well, I think when I first started this, like, I was just a regular Essex boy. And when I used to go out and party and go clubbing, like, you know, chatting up girls was a hard gig. You know, like, it was like, you know, really got a graft here. Yeah. And, you know, when I come off X Factor, I was just like going to these, you know, it was like a single.

I was out in clubs and like these really hot, unbelievable Victoria's Secret like models would come up to and be like, all right? and you're like, I remember once been in this bar and they both, these two women come up to me at the bar and we're just like, all right, how are you? You're having a good time? And I just looked at them, I said, look, ladies, I'm really sorry but you're barking up the wrong tree. Like, I know exactly what you're after?

And that is not. And like, most of my mates people are like, what are you doing? I was like, it just wasn't. But you could have got swept up in that. No, but it's kind of like that fake industry. Yeah, I was so aware of like stories being sold or especially at the time with like the news of the world and stuff. I was just thinking like Olly Meurs, cheeky chippy chippy,

like out and about. I didn't want that kind of smoke, if anything. I was very aware of like, I think being 25, I was sort of aware more so that I don't want to get myself quite up and stuff like that. Were you in that older category? I was, yeah. Oh my God, you were?

You were in the oldies? It's all depressing. It's all the categories. Any man at our age now, we're like, that ain't old? It's not all that. I remember being a kid watching it and being like, oh, the geriatric.

Here comes the over 25. Yeah, oh, bless you. You're the fucking, here comes the word as original squad. Have you got their own teeth? Oh my God, it was. I remember because Simon Cowell was backstage behind the camera sign. I really want the over 25s. And I was in that category.

And there was Dan Johnson at the time. He was sort of, I think he was around 26, 27, Jamie, Jamie Archer. He was about 30, I think. So he just wasn't in that. And I had just turned 26. So I was just in that category. Oh, no, I think I'd just turned 25. So I was just in that category.

Didn't realize why that Simon wanted me in his category. He wanted to take us and obviously get me to the final and hopefully win it. But yeah, like now I look back now. Isn't that weird though? As you get older, you see things online and you think, like, I would have thought I was old being in the other 25s. But now I'm 41 looking back, I'm like, God, I was so young still. I'll tell you what, right? We haven't even discussed this.

Yesterday we checked in a hotel. And this is the oldest I've ever felt in my life, right? There's a young lad behind the desk checking us in and he was asking, you know, are you down for business or pleasure and all that stuff? And then I go to the hotel quite a lot. So another young lad who I know came and stood next to them. They're asking what we're being up to do.

And I said, oh, we're down for too nice to do some interviews for the podcast. And it's just been half term. We've just had two weeks of half term. And they both went, whoa, two weeks. They were coming at half term from the perspective of a fucking child.

They both were like, oh, you get two weeks off. And I went, no, no, prick. I've had me kids for two weeks. I'm fucking demanded. But their immediate reaction, because they are closer to my children's age than they are in my age. And they were like, wow, two weeks off school, dude, that's amazing.

And they jumped over the counter and smacked them both. I was so angry. I went to smart when it wasn't good. And he went, oh, yeah, I'm just thinking about when I was a kid. And I was like, you're fucking 12. You're about 12 years old. Yeah, because he was closer to being a kid. I was originally.

I was absolutely raging. I was absolutely raging. I got on the Orlando flight back from Universal. Because you've just been there for the radio show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just been there. And it was so amazing, looking down the aisles of all the parents.

Did you take the kids with you? No, I couldn't. They were too young. I mean, Maddie's only 18 months. And obviously Albert's only like nine weeks old. Yeah. They're not old enough yet. But it was so funny going down the aisles

and seeing all the families and parents because we were doing it for our radio station that we're on. And just seeing how all the parents were completely crumbed. board. They were like, they're like great half-term holiday for the kids, but we're like,

they're like in their chairs like, oh God, we did Disneyland Paris in, when was it August? August. Fuck me. We were flying to London once just near the Christmas time

and there was two, remember we were right at the front of the plane and there was two air steward stand in front of us now overheard, I had my AirPods in but I didn't have anything

playing. I do that quite a lot to hear people's conversations. A bit of spy. Oh, interesting. Love it. I did not know that. I didn't know that.

You pretend to have, you. You pretend to have, your headphones in. I've got them in but they're not playing. Sometimes I'm good. Sometimes I'm good. Sometimes I'm doing that.

Stop it. Stop it. Something. Something dance. Something tonight. Something tonight. Tonight. That's fun.

And they literally. Yeah. And they were going, I'm not I told you. I'm sure I said it on the podcast. That's weird. You've never told me that. No, not what said, what was said. They literally were talking.

And one of them was like, I've got the lap land flight next week. And the other one went, oh, he went, I'd rather do the midnight flight back from a beather than the lap land flight. Apparently the Lapland flight is just carnage with all the kids. It's basically 50-50 kids to adults and there's just like fucking crisps and sweets and screaming and just mayhem on the flight. I mean, that's an interesting question.

He said he would rather do the flight back from Ibiza with everyone like... I wouldn't. That's what he said. I would rather do a show about that. That's what the guy said. He worked on him and he said the flight back from Ibita was the drunk people.

Nah, mate, I'm really sorry. You've got that completely wrong. He just just like kids. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. The first ever all-electric 2026 Subaru Trail Seeker is the EV for the trail obsessed. With up to 444 kilometers on a full charge and DC fast charging from 10 to 80% in about 30 minutes in ideal conditions. Plus, ample ground clearance and symmetrical all-wheel drive make the 2026 Trail Seeker the most capable EV Subaru has ever built. Test drive it at your local Subaru dealer or visit Subaru.ca.

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You're richer than you think. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I hate no one's secrets of telly. Yeah, it didn't ruin it. No, it ruins everything. I can't watch a TV show now When you did Hebbin That's when it all

That's when it really ruined it for me Right Because we went And the house The only ever shot the front door And then the rest of it Was it? All of the rooms

Every single room was a studio It was not a real house And I was like What do you mean What do you mean this is This is it And then there was It was awful

And there was lights being shone Through like For the sun And I was like This is just ruined That light, that was the sun. I used to go and stand in front of that and have a cup of afternoon.

It was so lovely warm. So lovely and warm. Did you ever go and watch him strictly? Because that's a long record. Have you done strictly? I've not done it, but God, I've never been to one of records,

but you get a pack of biscuits and a lot of bottom. Yeah. I would never stay for the second bit. Well, you did straight. Yeah, yeah, but I was on there but I'm saying if they went me, if they were like, oh, go and watch

say, Rosie did the series. I still the want us to go and watch someone. I'd say I'm watching them. I'm not sitting there for the result. That's what I had no chance. It is long. I once, when we went to watch you, do you remember when I spilled a glass of wine on us?

Full glass of white wine. I had to sit with a wet dress and I stank of wine. And then Anton Dubeck's wife, who's very posh, you get along right. I mean, as I think case in point, I get on with a lot of people. No, no, but you really get on with her. Okay. And Anton and I have the same hairdresser.

Oh, well, there you go. And she was lovely, but I could tell that she was like, you stink of wine. I had to say, like, I've spilt a full glass of wine on his. Dripping wet and I'm a stinker drink, I'm sorry. And I'm Chris's wife. The hardest bit about that is you've already stank of wine. Yes, what it is.

And then you sucked bottle on yourself as well, which is so bad. My sister's never let us together. She's always like, is it not that, do you get on, would you see you get on with sort of, you know, um, scum? Don't point in a job. You pointed out of Jordan. Follow all the listeners. I thought you were going to say salt to the earth.

I'm sorry, I did that on purpose. Would you see you get on with, you know, scumbags? Better than you get on with posh people? Yeah, I can't get on with anyone. No, but if you're... I'm one of the nicest people I know, from honest. What a lovely review of yourself. I know.

If you had to, like, rank it if you had to go, look, who do I get... Gun to your head, who do I get on with better? Do I get on with people below my social state of the Saudi on people, hire them and stuff? Oh, below. Yeah. Because then I feel superior. Yeah, like a little pet. I knew it.

I knew it. Fantastic. Fantastic. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. gladiators. Yeah. You're going to be able to eat.

Oh, you've done it. Yeah. But it's on Christmas Day. Christmas Day. Christmas Day, a 335. It's always on Christmas Day. That's a good time because that's a, oh, hang on. Are you posh?

No, my husband is though. Okay. When do you eat your Christmas lunch? I think we're going to eat it about, I eat around the kids' schedule. So like, one or two. We have, see, we have hours in like one o'clock. Well, who doesn't have the evening? Oh, my God.

I grew up with a girl from school and her family. used to eat so late that I'd literally, I said my mom, I was like, I can't go to her house. I've got such a bad stomach because they eat so late, I'd be like, my stomach would go, every meal, not just criss-c-c-o. Oh, just all the time? Just all the time. But, yeah, so people will be finished their lunch and they'll be digesting and the telly will be on. 335 is actually the perfect time.

That's perfect snooze in front of the telly. It's digesting town. I don't want them snoozing, please. Oh, they'll be snoozing. Okay. It was the reason because of the beautiful, warm nostalgia that's getting pumped out from gladiators. Gladiators were on a sick show though I always wanted to do it

like so but do you remember watching when you were younger? Oh my God. You used to say my stepdad was like your man because he's from Scotland and he'd be like Amber you will go because he was really strict and we'd be like Uber. We used to get all the

every Saturday night we'd get all the cushions off in the good room like because my mom had like the posh room that we weren't allowed in mad she would drink our coffee in there in the morning I don't think she was very happy but anyway and then we'd just sound it's just sad It's like a nice room. It is a lovely room.

Soundproof padding on the walls, inside lock. And we were going there every Saturday night and get all the cushions off the set A and jump around the cushions. It was such a nice memory. Oh, I know. It's good. It's so.

What was it like? It was the first time I was like, I'm 40. Like, I was in bits. I was in bits. Really? Because you do the first day and you kind of practice everything. And I was like, oh well, not as good as I thought I'd be. And then that's when you're not against a gladiator.

What's the practice? So you do everything. So you do everything. So you try. everything on the Eliminator. I got Joe Wicks to film me to

the Eliminator running up the what's it called the travel layer straight down on my face. Stop. Yeah.

Yeah. Not a great runner even though I do a lot of it. I was going to see you're super fit. No, not really.

And then the gladiators are coming like you so you're like you're kind of terrified of them. But I love having people like that on TV

because when you look at like young girls and I thought that like I'd love my daughter to watch them and be like look how sick they are.

Yeah. Like strong. Yeah, they're strong women who will absolutely bash at you if you piss them off. Yeah. Yeah, the female gladiators on no joke. They're all, they're all like stacked.

Boys, girls, the lot of them. We did a thing for children need with them. We do a dance thing with them. And they were just massive. Yeah. Massive. They put so much effort into that. And they're such like they're just great characters as well.

Yeah. And what I said before, not one spot on them bums. Spot boss. Oh my God. Why are you talking about it? Spar boss. as well sorry she's just said that to me like i said before like it's a thing she always says what's what's happen i think about this all the time maybe because girls with thong bikinis

how the fuck do they can how because if i'm on holiday maybe i've got a bit of a spottie you've both laughing so much you're not getting any sounds just one little spot just a like a rogue little spot And you did that thing what children need with the gladiators and all the girls had like tiny and I was like

not one of them that's their costume They don't have any spots in their hearts you said right Oh God I've crying my eyes I actually have a pair bikini bottoms

I can't wear because they gave me such a bad rash It was so rotten It felt like what's wrong with your arse Oh

geez The baby, the baby stuff. Oh my God, yeah. I don't wear those that bikini anymore. No. Do you remember when I had Robin and I got follicle light? It looked like someone had run a cheese grate out over both our ass cheeks. It was really bad.

It was red. I think people get it on their arms sometimes. After I had Robin, I had to go to the doctor. That's because I was like, what's happening to my bone? It's like exposed paws. Oh, no. Sometimes people get it. up here.

And on the back of someone's arm, yeah, they'll get like, red, it's such hard that. Oh my gosh. I can't believe you gets fat boss. Not all the time. I just couldn't do a job where it was like, you had to have your ass.

And there's always the dream with that, like, you know, all bikinis, like you don't know, obviously, I assume you're not finding us. I'm learning. I am learning.

They're all going into thongs and I'm like, please God. Why are they doing that? That really pisses me off. No, not everyone has an IRS for a thong. No, I've bought some bikinis recently and they're just

they're just up my ass and I'm like I don't want to wear a thong I'm hungry bomb no I blame they're all wearing them on Love Island they're all wearing them on Love Island

they're just been down a really fast slide so I used to I used to when I was younger when I worked in Greece me and my mate had thonged honestly

never been my thing a thong I remember we were talking about before this I was talking with the team about Cisco the thong song

because two of the guys on the team thought that that that thang the thang thangang fang and I was like you know it's

called thongs, so. How old are they? Oh, I don't know. Like children, man. But they've probably heard it on classics or something. But a thong, even when I was young, I've never been my thing. No, you're not a thong guy. Well, I do wear a lot of thongs because I don't like knickerlines.

Can't just bear a knicklein. Yeah. I'm just very aware of how dirty an ass crack can be. Yeah, you don't like the thought of it being up your ass. Yeah, women's arscracks. They're not as, well, they're no hair. Yeah, they're a lot cleaner. Men have, like, hairy.

artist cracks. So like you get more costs. You know, and you should go the counter in the supermarket and they would cut the cheese with that bit of string. Yeah. It just reminds us of that.

Well, that's good for you. At least you don't have to wear thongs. I mean, I don't. You know, I just spot five. Have you ever seen each other on holidays? Spot pod. When I say, when I say, Vorg, I'll have me full shorts.

He wears a boiler suit round the pool. Vogue's a bad to do. That's why I couldn't do the jungle. So a mate of mine used to say one, used to say, you know, the Chucco brothers. I know the Chucco Brothers, all right. Yeah. I'm not sorry about that.

Well, we used to say to people, me, me, mate, we used to say, Jason Cook, comedian friend of the podcast, he used to say, you know, one of them is actually the dad. They're not brothers. It was just enough. Which one, Barry? Well, it was just enough of a bullshit.

Like, it was just enough where people would go, no, you got, not definitely. They go, all right, okay. Yeah. One does look, the shorter of the two does look older than the. You know one's dead, right? Yeah, the one who looks all of is actually dead. He's passed.

Barry, RIP. RIP, yeah. I think I did the Chuckel Brothers. I was Henry the H in the Chuggle Brothers. One of the first bits of telly I did. No. You've been in Chucklechukle Chukhese? I was Henry the 8th in.

Chuggle Vision? Yeah, in Chuckel Vision. Wow. So Rosie can't say a Chuckelvision because when she was... Yeah. When my brother was younger, he had like a speech problem. Okay. And he used to sing, Chicka-Beezeon.

He used to go, chica, chicka-chicabeezin. Chickabees. Chucca vision. Chucal vision. Well, my mum and dad. It's not even close. All right, my name's a kid. I'm crying.

He had a speech in bed of it. He's all right now. I mean, we do worry about him more than the rest. I used to say Combinister instead of Combine Harvester, but that sounds like Combine Harvester. I had me too said Piscetti. You used to really fuck me off. Biscetti Biscetti Biscuettes?

No, Piscetti. Piscetti Bolliniers. Oh. It's like, what the hell's wrong with you? Piscetti on toast. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? you. But yeah, but he used to say chickabiesin, didn't he?

Anyway, it must be very typical for people who've got speech impediments and I've greatly respect for them and ovulated with them and the gay community. Anyway, he did it for months and my mom and dad were getting really upset at the way like, why is he keep saying, what's chickabees and he wants to watch chicka bee's and I had no idea. And I was like, it's

chocolate vision. Chuccovision? Greg Davis is in it, it's chocolate vision. I'm Henry Aydon. I've got two things to say about it. One, in the chocolate vision. I'm Henry Aveson. I've got two things to say about it. One, in the chocolate vision. the audition for it, the director said, told me to calm it down a bit.

Like I was overactive. Do you imagine? I was saying with Ian. Yeah. In Chuccovision. What do you mean? Dial it back, dick, it did.

He said, dial it down a bit. Wow. What could you possibly have been doing? I can't imagine. I can only imagine I just pulled my trousers and pants down. It's like screaming.

I can't think how you can go too big for Choclevision other than expose yourself and just like to hold him like a wolf. But Henry the Earth's quite like a big character. Exactly. I feel like you would have had. I'm sorry about that.

I got the part, weirdly. Yes. And this is the bit I remember most fondly about it is I walked on to set and I met who's not Barry. Paul. Paul. I met Paul.

And he was nice and very welcoming. It keeps a crash. Matt whenever he films anything because he's got a bad back. He likes to lie on a crash mat. Anyway, then Barry came in late. We were in a medieval banquet hall and I was dressed as Henry the 8th. And Barry came in, RIP,

and he was in a full medieval ball gown and a conical hat. And of course they used to film two whole episodes in one day. So the crew were like, let's go, let's go, let's get it done. And they've seen them in every act fit conceivable, but I haven't. And I just lost it

in the middle of a medieval banquet hall. I lost it for 10 full minutes. Wow. Where I couldn't stop laughing and I was the only person in the room laughing who were like cameramen leaning on the cameras like that. And Barry was sort of like that. And I was just laughing

like I thought I'd gone mad. I thought I'd lost my mind. Just and really echoing. Just me. I'm so sorry, Barry. I just wasn't expecting you to be in the... It's absolutely horrible, lads. It was sort of horrible and wonderful. Barry was lovely as well.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, that's fantastic. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Explain the Chris what a twink is. I don't know what's a twink is. What do you think of twinkers? So I watched Die Hardly that day, so I don't think of Twinkies.

No, I don't think of Twinkies. There are any twinks in dark. Right. No. Not the official version. A twink. A twink is a young, generally, or young or young-looking,

pretty gay male. Where does twink come from? I don't actually know. I think it's American. Is it not from drag, like drag race? Could be. I think it's an American sort of like,

yeah. But like Kiki. Like Kiki's become a really, really popular scene. And that came from drag race. Yeah. And then a twunk is sort of, you probably have been a twink. You've got a bit older.

You've maybe beefed up a little bit. Twunk. Twunk. Yes. I would say. No, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no, twon's good. No, these are all good. No, no, no. You've had a glow up, lad. We need to, can we discuss. Jenny and Claire would change her review of you now. Like, you've not, have you moved to London, have you? No, no.

But, yeah, because that's usually what happens when you move to London. Right. What happened in real life? Midlife? crisis. No. I've just started dressing you. Oh yeah.

And I made him cut his hair. Yeah, okay. And you just, you're up your skin care as well. Is that you put spoof on your face in the morning? SPF, spoof. Oh, right. Yeah. No, but we don't get much sunlight in the north east.

Yeah, but you've come down here now. Yes, no, but I do, I'm moisturised now. Did you really just call it spoof? That's what he was. Again, that was, on one of our tours, he sprayed the front row in spuff. I spoofed all over the front. road. The joke track themselves, Rosalie.

I just said it. You're definitely. I've never heard it because this is brilliant. Always put spoof on your face. I do. I put spoof on every day. Starts the day well. I love a bit of spoof in the morning.

William's got lovely skin. Beautiful skin. Yeah, you have. Spuff. You are meant to weigh a factor 50 like every day. Yeah. Well, have you lived in fucking Jamaica? No, even over here.

Even over here. What? The Nitzel shields. You're crazy. I swear to God. The street lights run. Let's put it this way. Rosie and I will have the last

laugh when we're 80 and we still look 70. Who gives her to that point. Come on. She says with it. You don't look a day over 70. Thanks, Maureen. I've got sun spots on my face off where I just, when I, I worked in roads for two years, right? Didn't wear any spoof.

Just I would hate to have one of them lights on my face where they look at your sun damage. Oh, oh, you must. You must go. It's fascinating. And they tell you how polluted your face is and they go. Oh, it's amazing. Can I just say I've got the skin of a 24-yard.

Have you? Have you been for one of them full-body M-O-Ts, the MRI and that you can get? No, not yet. Not yet. But he spends a lot. Have you had Botox recently?

He gets it a lot. Which is fine. But he's, you've got the same hairdresser as Princess Margaret and Anton DeBeck. No, not Princess Margaret. She's been dead since 2001.

Oh. Princess Anne. Princess Anne. You've got the same hairdress. He gets his hair cut at Harrods. It's Princess Anne, Anton Debeck and me. It's the same haircut.

This is wild. I told you get home with Anton's wife. She's lovely, by the way. She's lovely, by the way. I just want to put that out there. No, he gets his hair cut in Harrods. All of you were born Harrods is a box of fucking shortbread.

It's a haircut. You've been to Harrods more than once. Yeah. You've got Harrods regularly. He was there yesterday. Harrods? Yeah. This is mental.

He's so spenny. He's like, fair play to him. Rich, wealthy people know how to like spend money. He spends it. Are you left a mask? How much is a hair cut? It's got real goyards. What the fuck's a goyard?

I didn't know what it was. It's a handmade bag. Everyone's got the face. I thought a guyard is the thing on the, it's like a garbogel. It's very spenny. I'm not. How much is it a haircut from Harrods? Don't ask.

Is that rude ask? No, I just, it's, you know, it's decent. You can bleep this out. Okay. It has, I'll be honest, when I started going there, not long ago. Well, five years ago, it was 65. That's inflation for you. Wow.

I get my full hair dyed and cut and blood dried for that. Yeah. Wow. This is a trim. That's bad. Yeah. And really, for me, it should be half price. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

So you've made friends. Who else have you really, who else have you made friends with you love? I've actually already seen Tom. All right. Was it on the flight home? No, bumped into him of the bus. He was getting the bus. Did you get the bus?

Do you get the bus? I get the tube. Oh. And I cycle everywhere. Oh, nice. Do wear a helmet? Do wear a helmet? I do wear a helmet.

Good. Sometimes they're I know We were coming here in the taxi this morning and I can't believe the amount of people with no helmets on

they're going to come off and they're going to be brain damaged and they need to put a helmet on your nutters Your helmets Helmets are a bit rotten but you have to wear a helmet I do wear a helmet

They're awful and your hair's going to be shit for the rest of the day but you are going to save yourself from a really serious head injury or death us too and the taxi driver this morning collectively came up the idea of a foldable helmet.

Like the Bronx, Brompton bike. Google it. It already exists. Foldable helmet. So I was, I was, I was billionaire,

then it went. I felt that's a great idea. I wonder if that person made, how ugly are they though. And then probably... So they're more of a... It's basically a headband with a pop out top

is the best way I'm describe it. It's like quite thick around this... Like those buckets, you know the bookets, the new buckets that you get the phone. Basically, they don't work as well. No,

you're still going to have a bad head. Yeah, and you're going to get, actually, to be fair, the legal. the legal troubles I would get into when someone died using one of my foldable helmets that I just invented.

I'm actually glad, do you know what it is? I've tasted that success and I don't want it. You don't need it. That was a roller coaster in my mind there. I was in court. It's kind of a good idea.

Are you like this? I feel like you are probably a really good entrepreneur and like you and spend that's put spend it together. I can imagine you're doing like lots of business ventures and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah.

Me and Chris come up with loads of ideas all the time. And we never. ever see them through ever as we're always like oh my god we should do this we should do that and then the next day never ever no no no how would you do it like what are we we just well I've loads of ideas that I don't bother either I was like I'm gonna start my own coffee brand because I love coffee so much and then I'm like I job there's loads of coffee brands isn't it yeah it is that in it though I'll just bring a whole suitcase full right from Australia

it's basically yeah but that's basically like right I'm going up for a run that's raining like that's how quickly you and just fuck your idea off. My most recent one was like, I would love to open a coffee shop where we live, like a really lovely coffee shop. Oh, I know. But then I was like,

I'm going to have to get up really early and then I'll have to be there. I'll have to be there all day. Yeah, I'll just put my foot off. And I was like, and then yeah, then I'll have to, everyone who comes in, I'll have to speak. Oh, God.

Oh, no. It's an honest idea for retirement for people at all. Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice. That's not retirement though, is it? It's not really. I don't ever want to retire, you see, because I feel like as soon as I retire,

I'll die. Right. You're a shock. What do you mean I'm a shark? So if you stop swimming, you'll die. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Did I swim the whole time, sharks? I think they never ever start.

I think that's where the sayings come from. Am I? Hang on. I'm so glad I've learned something today. Did they stop swimming to the day? So what's just happened is, and this happens quite often. I will tell Rosie a fact or a phrase. Is that true? Rosie, you'll take the fact or the phrase.

No, it is. But Rosie, you'll take it and she'll tell it to someone else with the confidence of the person who knew it in the first place. and then a beautiful moment happens where thankfully you've just said to Rosie is that true and Rosie's in her head there's a fucking alarm going off

as panic there's fucking there's chimps running around there's madness like Ron get out fire like who cares if it's true or not

just say allegedly at the end allegedly allegedly I need to have more conviction in what I say yeah no it's if sharks stop swimming they die

well I said Bob Dylan was dead the other day and John was like God Bob Dylan was playing I was like no he wasn't I was like no he like didn't just die

by the way he's dead years and the producer was like he's alive I was like oh really I had him killed off

I was so convinced of it I was like laughing at her and stuff I was like that's ridiculous Joanne wow he is alive he's fully

I'm saying I don't know I don't know he was dead over alive we do that all the time babadoo babadoo babadoo babo baboo baboo baboo At Desjardin Insurance, we know that when you own a nail salon, everything needs to be perfect from tip to toe. That's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs. You put your heart into your company, so we put our heart into making sure it's protected.

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Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Yeah, we don't know what this is, by the way. We've got no idea what this is on. Okay. Quite earlier. on in my relationship, I was invited to a big family meal to celebrate my boyfriend's grandparent's wedding anniversary. Oh, nice. Does it say how long or not? No. It doesn't say how long. Okay. As a newbie to the family, I was seated at the bottom of a long

table with a very elderly lady to my left. A super gentle aunt opposite and my father, nor Steve, in the corner. It was a very pleasant meal and Steve ate heartily throughout. So enthusiastically, accepting further helpings of everything when the dessert menu came round and everyone discussed what they're going to have Steve leant back in his chair patted his full belly and said very loudly he couldn't possibly have any more

dessert because he had shot his load it's fair to say the surrounding more innocent diners and Steve himself had no idea what he'd actually said and I had to spend the remainder of the meal styling out my tears of laughter. I love that.

I love that. So now and then we get one. I'm sorry, guys. I've shot my lydia. I can't possibly eat anymore. Oh, that is nice. Come on. He knew what he was saying.

Do you think? Yeah. Now and then we get one. That's not filth. It's not disgusting. That is just funny and cute. I like that. Do you think that's a genuine

he said it not knowing what he said? Maybe. I live with someone who says the wrong thing in every situation and never remember as any kind of phrase for anything so I guarantee that was accidental but I would have died if I was at that table but then again I wouldn't have kept it quiet

I'd be like, oh you shot your Lord, what do you mean? Change your pants, you do with you do with you fucking. You have a problem with correcting people though yeah. By the way we need to talk about the taxi here. Taxi here? Yeah. Yeah, why? When the taxi driver I was telling me about Charles Dickens

used to go walking at night around where we are because he was a he was an insomniac but the taxi driver called it hypochondriac right and I knew he meant

insomniac so I was just going oh right yeah so yeah Chris was like he was all up a conriac so he was all up a conriac so he didn't sleep

so walk around the street at night I'm sitting in the back going that's wrong but why couldn't you just let him have it I'm not let him have it I'm not let them have it

taxi driver has thrown with their opinions at me all day every day I'm not let you're not having hypondria I'm not you're not having so Chris Pout only went

you mean insomniac yeah I was like Chris shut up No. I'm saving them so next time. He probably says that every day. I'm not letting me say that to someone else. Yeah, you're using, I do that all the time. I sometimes use words in the wrong context.

And my team always says to me, why did you say that on the radio? I'm like, oh, on the radio. You get it wrong. But if you're not correct, you do it a lot. I don't know how we've got a radio show together. We get so many things wrong. But it's funny. It's funny.

It's fun. That's why you likeable. Don't worry about it. Babadoo, babadoo, bab. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I'm gonna be my life because I don't want to get

reported to anyone brilliant Oh my gosh We have a family Christmas tradition Of going to Panto and Christmas Eve Christmas Eve

Pantos is big where we live A lot of people call Christmas Eve It gets sold out really quickly Oh I'm good Panto

Just not Christmas Eve Yeah Like a tradition Yeah Yeah This includes me My two sisters They're partners

And kids So in total Six Adults Seven Kids Mayhem and I'm not sure we'll do it again. Last year it was Cinderella and in the middle of the second half

my eight-year-old Elsie, not her real name, who was a few seats down the row from me decided she wanted to go to the toilet. I managed to squeeze past people in the row and get her to the loo on time. All fine, no drama and we rushed back to our seats

for the last 15 minutes. The panto ended. We all got up to give a standing ovation I looked down the road to my right and couldn't see Elsie. Where is Elsie? Where is Elsie? I maithed to my husband,

where's Elsie? He of course responded that he thought she was with me and had clearly lost track of our movements since the toilet break. As you can imagine I was completely panic-stricken. We were all freaking out. All of us went into action looking under seats and shouting for Elsie. We rushed to the lobby to speak to the staff

and there was Elsie, sat on a still eating an ice cream and having the time of her life. What there played to Elsie? How old is Elsie? What is she said? Why in my mind is she 82? Oh, she's eight. Clever eight-year-old.

It turned out that after our toilet break, rather than following me back to our seats, Elsie had wandered off to the foyer and befriended to the theatre staff. Got free ice cream. Stritch a digit. Yeah. I would have gotten in the white van.

I would have. I know when I was younger. Fucking hell. Sweets in here, okay. Sweet sand puppies in the same place. Oh, the puppies not eating the sweets. I'll have to check this off for myself. Is there not puppy hair on the sweets?

Let me investigate. When they asked where her parents were, she had apparently said, well, my mum took me to the toilet and then just left me. I was so scared of the dark. I thought it was safer to come out here. This was, of course, not true. What I assume happened was that she knew

she would get some free sweets and ice cream as she played the abandoned child card at Christmas fair play to her. Oh my God, Elsie. Very clever girl. My God, I never thought about doing something like that when I was younger. No, me neither. I don't think that was clever enough.

I did once, my brother went missing in B&Q, right? I love B&Q. It's a great shop. Yeah. It's a great shop. And my mom and dad were looking for him and my sister. And I ended up, and I don't know how to this day. Have I told you this?

I think I have. I ended up in the Postman Pat Ride. And I don't know to this day, right? I don't know if it was broke or somebody kept putting money in for us. because it just kept going and going and going and going. And I'm like... It just stayed on. And I'm like, was it broke or did someone put money in?

Some creeper girl, boy. Put the money in this thing and I'm just on the own. Have you you mentioned though? I'm sure I've told you? Kevin is, we were being cute, right? So, you know, there's a big... They had to do the full tanoy and everything. He was fully missing.

Imagine they're going out at the bottom. There's, you know, he's in the lumbar section. A big railway sleeper has fallen and crushed him. Your mom's crying. Your dad's crying. And kids cried. It's just where's, where's funny? Postman pack.

It was. Oh no, that's all the head hold. Every time you hear it, your mom freaks out. God. It's so true. And now all I can think is, I think there was some pervert there, just putting pounds in. Right, great.

Wow. All I can think is, if that was your sister, K, who you claim isn't your favourite, you'd have been in the fucking search party as well, not open a person part ride on your own, having the time of your life. How dare you see your daughter of a favourite? How dare you?

Yeah, we weren't missing all the time. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Oh, shit. Do you want me to read this out? We don't know what this is. Dear Christian Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Always. That's what the section's called.

Always. I took the whole podcast. Well, the show. Oh, is it? Thank you for reading the emails. This isn't it shagmarry, doesn't it? Honestly, it is. It's a lot of section.

Oh. Are you taking the piss? Oh, separate thing? No, no, it's the same thing. No, it's the same umbrella. Yeah. Same thing. Bake off extra slice.

Oh, that sort of thing. There is. But hosted by you. Yeah. With those shows normally, you get other people in. We're too greedy. I'm sure, you can do your own. Absolutely can.

You can do your own adjacent podcast. Can and have. Okay. All right then. Well, hopefully, Chris and Rosalie invite me on the main ones on the time. This is the main one for guests. I don't know how it works here. Meglamiacs, these people.

He was on the ring before this. Geordie Meglamaniardia. Are you George? I guess I suppose Sand dancers Sand dances Well South Shield So we're not Newcastle

Not Sun and Southfield Is that posh post Newcastle? No No no no no No sadly not We live in a nice street Okay In

Rosie Do you know sometimes you forget that This is like work And you just like Greg we live in a nice street Like yeah No we do It's not a part

It's we love where we live We live in a hometown But we have Upgrated from where we grew up To the nicer part The nice bit of the hometown. So when I went to school, I went to school with people who live where we live now. And I thought, nice.

When I got invited. You're going, mm-hmm. Maybe. Let's see. Here we go then. Rosie recently talked on the podcast about crawling out of class and not getting caught. Oh, yeah, I did that at college. Oh, yeah.

Now, you were a teacher, Greg. For many, lonely, lonely, sad years. Did you have anything like this? Did kids try and leave the class, hide, crawl across the floor? Oh, my God, yes. Yeah? What did you teach again? I mean loosely, drama and English.

Right, okay. Nice. Can I tell you something from when I was at school? Please. We had a geography teacher called Batti Price, and I'm sure she's no longer with us. I don't know why she was called Batti. Batti. Batti? First name, Batti, second name, Price.

I think Batti was a nickname. Okay. I don't think her name was Batti. But everyone called her Batti. I don't know why. Right, okay. And looking back, I mean, I guess she can't have been 90 years of age, but to me at the time she seemed 90 years of age. And she used to wear, I guess she had arthritis.

She used to wear arthritic sort of armbands so that her hands were always like this. No. I swear to God. This, so she would hold chalk and be able to write, but most of the time she was like this. No. And I remember her, her. facial expression was always squinting like this. And she seemed 90.

Anyway, there was a trend in Batti's lessons, and it happened, I cannot tell you this, most lessons. Someone would put their hand up, and she would go, yes. And whoever it was would go, do you mind if I go to the toilet, Mrs Price? And she would go, okay, be quick. And then that person would stand up, and then we would all leave. No way. The whole class. And I swear to God she never noticed.

I swear to God. We'd come back and she would be saying, and periglaciation is, we'd all just go and stand out there for about five minutes and then come back in. Wow. Even like the Square Kids was one of them. Even the frightened kids like me.

We will go, well, I guess we're all going out. I love shit like that. Oh, bless her. This is the anonymous letter. Yeah. Well, I had a girl in my year who used to crush pencil lead down to a powder and then snort it up her nose. What the fuck?

It would give her noseblees, which meant she could get out of lessons. The girl in question would always ask the teacher if she could bring a friend to help with the nosebleed. It was a bit of an inner circle and you'd only be able to get out of lessons if you were mates with her.

I was only invited once to be her nosebleed companion. I mean, this is insane. That's fucking horrible. She'll be in a true crime, don't you meant me? She'll be dead. She's going to be dead. Lead poisoning.

Lead poisoning. She's snorting lead to make her noseblee. She'll be dead. This is about a dead woman. Is that the tone you want on this podcast? It'd be even... I'll tell you what, Rosie and Chris from Shack Marry Denoid are not going to like this. They're not going to like this tone.

Reason about someone who's essentially topped themselves with a pencil. I think she made it to the end of the school, yeah. She's like to roll that in. It's late at the light that her face will have fallen off. That's so bad. How much do you hate school? Like your snort? I mean, come on.

Oh, my goodness. I think it's genius. Jesus Christ. It's insanity. Oh, God. I was in a class with a lad once. I won't name him when I was at school. And he was eccentric.

And a mate of mine. Really, very much living life according to his rules. And I was trying to do some work. And he went, oie. And I went, hey, mate, leave it out. I was really trying to concentrate. I was shit at, he was shit at, he was shit at it.

Yeah. I was shitted it. And he goes, give me a number between 1 and 50. I went, fuck off. I carried out. He goes, just give me a number. He goes, like, what's it to you?

Give me a number between 1 and 50. I went, 26. He went, all right, thank you. 10 minutes later, an ambulance was called, because he had 26 yeast tablets. They were fucking big as well. Like a horse pill.

He found a big jaw in the science lab. just had yeast tablets on it. He asked me to get a hospital. Why would you do? He's bored, I guess he was bored. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, mighty.

Did he survive? Oh, he lived, yeah. Oh, okay. Wow. Have you ever seen, this is it? Do you ever say the Lordy kids? He lived? This person didn't. I don't we have.

I went to like a random award ceremony a few years ago in South Shield. and the naughty kid from school was there but grown. A bully? He wasn't, actually, I'll give him his due. He was not a buddy, he was just naughty. And it was so funny because he got, he ended up getting expelled in year 10

but he came up to his and his daughter was getting an award and he was like, drum of me. And I was like, oh my gosh, he went, and he said his name and I was like, fucking hell, like, you were at Twatat at school. But he's lovely now. He's doing really well for himself.

Does he? Yeah, thank really. He's daughter's well as awards. He's daughter won the pride of the South Townside Award. Lovely guy. But he was, the last time I saw him as a child, he was sniffing gas that he put on his tie

from the bun, like the buds in burn his. It's just boffing gas all afternoon. Sorry, so he's spraying the gas onto the tie. Oh, let me see. You just used to sniff it all. Like a rag with chloroform. Yeah.

I met a lad when I was home at my mum's really recently. and I met a lad who I was at school where I see him. He's lived in my hometown since we were at school. And he's a mate, you know. And we were just, I've been to the supermarket, and we were just sitting outside the supermarket chatting about school days. And it's so funny how it starts to come back

and how you've normalized things that happened. And I remember that I watched him chase our drama teacher across the drama studio with, you know, those big cans of hairspray. Well, you don't know, you're not old enough, But in the 80s, the girls all seem to have a bag with a can of hairspray like this. Yeah, yeah. And I know he, I won't know, I shouldn't name their name, should I.

He got one of those giant cans of hairspray off a girl, and he got a lighter. And he lit it like a flamethrower. And he was chasing our drama teacher. What the shit? Rang the studio. And I remember him going, oh, stop that. Stop that. Don't be so silly.

And it's literally a four-foot flame going, whey! That's fantastic. And the same kid, same drama teacher. The drama teacher came in because the head, our head thought drama was pathetic, not a proper subject. It was the first time drama had ever been done the year I did drama there. Because the head thought it was just ponsy nonsense. So it'd get no budget.

And the drama teacher kept begging him for money. And in the end, he gave him money for one. set of playbooks. And he came in all proud going, the head has finally given us some money and I've got these lovely, beautiful playbooks. And we'll be going through these during the tour. I remember how excited he was.

And later that lesson, the same boy, the flamethrower boy, went, psal. He went, hey, hey. He called me into the store cupboard. He cut them all in half. With a big pair of scissors. He destroyed.

them all. Every single a fucking psychopath. Oh no. But he's done well for himself. He is, he does, yeah,

he's totally normal. Oh, no. God. Oh, why do I feel so sorry? And I have to say, it was one of the most awful

and one of the funniest I've ever seen in my life. I was absolutely down the line of this is appalling and this is a work of comedy genius. Yeah, it's brilliant. Yeah. In half, up the spine.

No, no. Cross the middle of the story. He couldn't even bothering. It took him ages. It was 35 foot. Oh my God. And they were thick. He would have had to have really like...

That's absolutely fucking psychotic. That's the harshest thing I've ever. And the drama teacher when he found them just started crying. She started weeping. That's so sad. Yeah, everyone's fine. That is still alive.

It's all right. It's all right. That's what I'm... Just a gentle weep as well. Not a sob. It's like... Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

Now, usually, William reads the letters because I'm... And you'll see why in a minute. I'm very dyslexic. I can't read. This story from... This story from many years ago involves a nick that doesn't show me in a great light, and I'm also hoping for some advice. You've come to the right place.

I'd been seeing Tom, not his real name, for around six months. He was gorgeous. funny, charming and not afraid to show his vulnerable side. My overbearing family were big fans of Tom. One weekend, I went back to my parents and Tom came along. It was great and ended with a big Sunday roast. Around the table were mum, dad, two brothers and my younger sister. We were enjoying a delicious roast lamb when Tom suddenly started banging his head on the table

and his face was getting redder and redder. It became clear that Tom had a piece of something, turned out to be a gristly piece of meat, stuck in his throat and was, Yes, Chalkin. Oh, he's Chalkin. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Right, that was really good.

Well done, Jordan. That was lovely. You didn't make one mistake. I don't want to be too patronising, but... Listen. Thank you. Because usually if I read some, it's got to be in comic sands. Yeah, good reading.

Highlight it. What a fucking diva. Comic sanz or I'm not even looking at us. No, there was a point where he's trying to get... I'll producers to print everything off on yellow paper. Yeah, they lasted a week. They know. Anyway, the dilemma continues.

I completely froze. My younger siblings jumped into action and started the hype. and started the Heimlich manoeuvre. The piece of me became dislodged and flew across the room. Everyone was relieved and gathered around Tom, who, after seeing his life flash before his eyes, burst into tears. Well, I'm not sure if it was the tears,

the red face or the bulging eyes, but I had very quickly gone off Tom. Well, I'm glad you're all. Oh, this is fantastic. You absolute dear. Yes, okay, good, I'm glad you'll say. Okay, predictably, I get it, I get it. We broke up shortly after the job.

choking incident. I'm sure if he had been the man for me, I would have seen past this, but I still shudder when I think about it. So the advice I'm after is, what should you do when you get that really piece of chewy meat during a meal in a restaurant or at someone else's house? Should you just swallow it down or discreetly spit it out and leave it on the side of the plate, help appreciate it. This is a good one for you. This is perfect for you. First of all, as far as Ix go, we've had some great X-Send. One of my favourites is someone drop on a receipt and trying to pick nobody keeps blown away from them

my favourite ex like someone saw a fella do that and she was like a vagina just dried up no what about the little man who ran for the bus with a backpack on man who ran for a bus

a backpack on yeah yeah bounced up and down he's gone but yeah the fact that the yick is he nearly died by choking and was upset about it

is the yick some people are fucking impossible to please I think that's brilliant impossible to please someone choking on god oh he nearly died how unsexy

yeah that's horrible Guys, I'm sorry, I get it. What would you have preferred? If he just died like a fucking man. If he died like a man. She said in your bit that you read. Oh, he's sure he's a vulnerable side. He wasn't afraid to show his vulnerable side.

Oh, but nearly dying was too far. Did I ever tell her this? My mum tripped on a piece of me. She's having a meal on her own. No one of my worst feelings. She had to ring, and go around to next door. Next door called the ambulance, right? This is so bad.

She was in hospital. None of us knew. My brother come home. Half a tea left on the side. My brother ate it. He finished the tea with a... Hey, jokes. He runs the next door. And my mum would come back, she went,

traumatised, brother like, where have you been? No one even noticed. And he finished the tea. It was left outside. He went, oh, I thought you'd left it out for me. And I told you this story, actually, recently when we went for lunch. Well, about seven years ago, I was sitting somewhere in Chelsea,

and Patricia Outledge, Hyacinth Bouquet, was on a table of, a few tables away, on her own having lunch. And she started choking on a crisp, generally, because there were sandwiches and crisps. And I thought, oh my God, this is my moment. I am going to have to do the Heimlich on Hyacinth Bouquet. I'm going to sort of have some sort of gay honour because I've saved her.

And then she just, she recovered. So I didn't actually even get up. She didn't get a seen there. What's your advice for that other thing? Sorry, I'm being a presenter now. No, no, no. Rosie tells me I should be a vegetarian because I'm so squeamish with meat. If I get any bit of gristle or something meal room.

When you're chopping chicken, if you do chop your chicken, do you have to, I cut off the tendon. any of the sort of bloody bits. There's almost fuck all left. I'll actually, aren't it? There's almost nothing left. I'm serious. I can strip a whole chicken down

and nothing. I'm terribly wazily. That's why Rosie is a... But it's so annoying in it because... There's no chicken left. Any bit of gristle, you guarantee it'll end up

on my plate and it'll be the first bite and I'm done. And put you up, yeah, yeah, I'm with you. So what do I do? To not look like a pig. More vegetarian. No, but what do I do? No, what they've said there? What do I get...

Oh, if I get griss from out, and I've got it. Are you asking me if you should spit or swallow? Yes. Generally, if you, things like grizzle, fish bones, bones, meat bones, you can't swallow them. So you are going to have to remove it from your mouth. So I would spit it into your dominant hand, use your non-dominant hand to shield and then place it on the side of the plate. Fantastic.

Not a tissue? No. Not a napkin. No. Oh, God. So just into your hand? Just into your hand. And onto the plate.

What about, because I used to be a pot wash? Or you can put it onto your foot, depending on what it is. can be spat onto your fork, but then we still see it come out. So I would use your hands to shield it. I used to be a pot wash and eat all leftovers, you know, that come back in. Did you? Yeah, to do that whole time. So if someone spat something back out, you'd rather than napkin. Yeah, but you do that. I used to spit that out. The pot wash goes, mind sweeps everyone's place.

You might get it cold. You used to do it when you weren't the stadium. I used to do it. I used to silver, serve people at Christmas time. I used to silver serve people. Oh, how excited, William was it? Can he does it? Sometimes. I still do it. Tongue action. Crumb down.

Crumb down and silver serve. A lot. I've got a semi. Don't. He never says it. Right. Okay. Glow up and you can silver serve.

Literally. We're going to... This is it. This is it. We have... We've got to go. I'm so sorry. This has been amazing.

I can't stand up. So can we not stretch this on for a little longer. What's the etiquette for? in a semi in public.