Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Chris McCausland

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

On this week's Please Keep My Anonymous Chris and Rosie are joined by comedy giant and Strictly star, Chris McCausland! The trio discuss Chris's tour Yonks, remembering old material, the early noughties sitcom Coupling, the love of Pizza and why Chris could never be on I'm a Celebrity! Chris McCausland also shares a PKMA from one of you lovely SMAS. To get tickets to Chris McCausland's tour visit chrismccausland.com/tour To buy Chris's book visit Chris McCausland - Keep Laughing If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Shag Married Innoid, please keep me anonymous. Part of the Shag Married Innoid Infinity Saga. It keeps doing these and it's actually awful. Stop. But the Marvel only did the Infinity Saga and then the Multiverse saga. I'm not after wait. It's going to easily be five or ten years

until I think of another one of them. So... Please introduce our guest. Check in, everyone. This week we are joined by a good mate of mine, phenomenal standard comedian and the winner of Strictly Come Dancing Chris McCausland. Absolutely hilarious lad. Known him for years.

He's brilliant. It was great to have a chat with him. Really nice to get. We did Sunday brunch with him a little while ago, and it's nice to get to know him even better. I think he's a great time. But we'll have so much with him at Sunday brunch while. Would he please come on the podcast?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's promoting his genuinely, he's tour that gives me genuine anxiety. It says 250 plus day tour, but I know for a fact, when he's finished it, it's going to be about 300 odd dates. Yonks, go Google Chris McCausland and find out the dates for that.

Also his book is out, his autobiography. It came out in October last year. That's called Keep Laughing. It says, yeah, the tagline is from a life in comedy to the Glitterball Trophy. Chris McCausland tells all. I don't think I'm actually meant to say

the tagline. But that is the tagline. But that's the tagline. Yeah, so if you're a professional, you just said, his book, keep laughing. From life and comedy to the glitter ball trophy,

Chris McCausen tells all. That without the tagline bit in the middle. Well, good job you did it then, isn't it? You'll get good at this. Go on me, kid. Listen, please like and subscribe on your podcast apps and subscribe if you're watching this on YouTube and enjoy our crack and chat with Chris McCawson. Yay!

the midnight game show, wasn't it? Although they were amazing, actually. They came and gone in it was in about two hours, doesn't it? Yeah, they were in and out. In and out. Did they give you heads up about that?

So I knew about it, but Chris didn't know about it. No idea. Went to bed fully naked. I did. Fully naked. Never ever goes to bed naked. Just in case.

Oh, honestly. Like, and we were pissed. Because how could I tell you to stop drinking? You were child free. And I couldn't be like, right, don't have any. that's enough now because Chris would

be like, because you never know. What if there's an emergency at half past two this morning, Chris? Yeah, what if we need to be walking up like really early in the morning for no reason at all?

Oh my gosh. I felt sorry for you watched the Bradley Walsh from when he's in the hotel. He hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on for a little while. I've not seen that one. He's so caught in a way and then they bring him Fanny Schmeller.

Yeah. So there's a, it wasn't she? Olympian or a sports person? She was, he got the giggles, didn't he trying to read out this question on the chase about Fanny Schmeller? That's on him. And it went viral.

And they woke him up at like three in the morning in the hotel when he's filming gladiators. Michael McIntyre, and he brought Fanny Schmeller into the room. Bradley Walsh, he's so fucking frazzled. Oh my God. Was Fanny Schmeller in on the Joe? Fanny Schmeller?

Oh, of course. Just my same as Tom Aspinel was in on mine. Okay, good. Fanny Schmela. That is, that's unfortunate, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, not great. I mean, she's from a country where it doesn't mean that.

No, of course. Of course. Yeah. I used to have a bit of material in my last show about a woman, Fanny Gravy. Fanny Gravy. God, how did it go? I can't remember how it went, but yeah, it was,

oh yeah, I remember me kind of joke was what was going on in the gravy household. What I forget. So who was Fanny Gravy? Do you know what? I can't remember where it came from. Fanny Fanny Gravy. I can't remember. It was somebody, somebody knew.

I can't remember. I mean, I've slept since then, mate. I wish I had one of these Bob Monkhouse brains that can just kind of go in the file of facts in my head. Yeah. If I ever do, like, all I can offer in a show is if something comes up that I know I've got a bit of material about, is I can reference that I know I have a bit of material about that. Oh, I used to have a bit of material about that.

It was really funny. What was it? I couldn't tell you. I'm like that. Can you remember other people's bits easier? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I could caught you every Eddie is odd show.

Yeah, yeah. You know, over like five shows of his. Couldn't tell you what was in my last tour. Yeah. My support actor does that to me. Carl Jensen, but you know Carl as well. He does it to me.

You go, I don't know that bit he used to have, and I go, I don't fucking know. But I know his bits. But it was mine. I have spaces in my brain for everything I've seen, but I only have one space available for my material and I have to delete and replace. Yes, yes.

Oh, my God, yeah, you're totally right, though. Oh, I agree. You do, you have to totally forget about it. Yeah, you really do. You really do. Speaking of tours, you are on the longest tour in the history of... Oh, shit. We start this.

Oh, we started. Oh, we started. Oh, there you go, then. It's not that. It's because I didn't tell you about that rash. No, this is the podcast where you were to. Tell us about your record. Because to be fair, we do this.

So when you first come in, there was a lot of people in the room fanning on. Oh, they just snuck off. The city of left. But obviously, like, obviously, the rest of our guests see them leave. But obviously,

who do you know in the way of that? I'm really sorry, mate. They were all there doing some interpretive dance in the corner. They're all still here, but they're all naked. It's great. So, no, you're on your tour. And it's 250.

I love the way you guys say tour. Tour. Tour. Tour. It's lovely. How would you say it tour? It's lovely. Tor.

Yeah, just tour. Yeah. Tor. So. So. So. As in like the past tense of tear. Tor.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How did you say tour as in the past tense of tear? Do you say a tour? No. What's ter? Te.

Te. Oh, Tare. Come on, man. Oh, sorry. Tor. Yeah. Tor. Yeah.

Yeah. But Tor, we can't say tour. What do you say? Well, like when you first got together with Chris, would you say you tore his pants off him or you tour his pants off him? and two of his pants off Oh, and you say he'd two of them off himself I think she begged us to keep them on Yeah

I think you, if I remember rightly I think you left your socks on Have we ever spoken about? What the fuck? I swear to God Did you, mate? I think you did. No way.

I think you did. I've got a memory of you going to the toilet with your socks on and I'm not even joking we've never spoke about it. Well, seem as all that first bit is in the podcast and I didn't realize we were recording one of my favourite shows from back in the 90s

was coupling And do you remember coupling? Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a guy in it, I think he was Welsh. His name was Jeff and he was kind of like the kramer of coupling, like a bit off his head and stuff. And he used to have this, he had this bit about getting undressed in front of a lady

and ending up in the sock gap. The sock gap when you've got your socks on and no other clothes. It's awful, isn't it? Whatever you do, you've got to avoid the sock gap. I've got a random memory of coupling. Is there an episode where the find out that she's got a vibrator and the draw pulls out comically far

and the austere at it for a while. It might be, that doesn't ring a bell, but it's the kind of thing because it was very sexual. Right, okay, yeah, I think it was. There's a brilliant episode of Cuppling, right, where this guy, Jeff, he's in a bar and he's terrible with women.

The woman behind the bar is foreign and he has this one-sided conversation with her where he finds he can finally talk to her because she doesn't know what he's saying. And the whole conversation is just him getting excited and talking to this woman who's, you don't know what she's saying back.

And then it rewinds and it plays the conversation again, hair talking in English, but him talking gibberish. And you see the other side of the conversation. Honestly, it's one of the best episodes of an episode of a sitcom. I don't remember that coupling.

I do remember. I've got a very, very vague memory of coupling. Was it British, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. I remember being raunchy as the word I would use for the time. It was very good. It was raunchy.

Right, okay. Yeah. But yeah, I'm on tour. 360 odd day to you think you've done but by the end of it it will be yeah yeah

absolutely mental yeah so I did 80 80 at the start of 2024 and I was meant to be back out on tour in September but you know I did a bit of dancing

you might have heard about it and then what happened was I already had me January to May 2025 leg booked in and then I had to take

four months of dates and drop them over the top of them so I did two legs in one go Oh my God. And it was relentless. And then because, you know, it strictly went very well

and people wanted, you know, the date to sell out. I had mat and age at 4 o'clock and then they go, I said, do you want to do another one? I said, go on, we'll do 1 o'clock then. No way. I was doing 1-4-8. Stop, no, you didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a pant-or run. Jesus, crazy. You know what I have never heard of 1-4-8. That is nuts. One-4-8. And I'll tell you what. it sounds it sounds easy when you're doing eight hours dancing a day when somebody says do one four and eight and you go yeah yeah yeah because it's not this this is really hard and then you

get to it and you realize it's a different type of tired it's it's it's you know and so i've i've i've had to say to them um so i've got i've actually got a legacy one four eight still in the diary that was booked a while ago coming up um where's that fairham fair um Fairham One foot. Fairham live, it's called. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. And but I've had to say to them,

I just stick to the two because it's mentally, you want to enjoy what you're doing, do you know what I mean? Yeah, that is a lot. I get sick of myself, you know. I get sick of myself and when I'm doing, I've got a couple of matinees

coming up on the tour. Yeah. And by then halfway through the second show, I feel like they've heard it twice. Yeah. Like I'm like, you're so fucking sick. aren't you? And it's like, no, this is the first time we're seeing it. And I feel like I'm not giving them as much. So I'm really going to have to have a word

with myself and really go for it. Yeah. So the matinees are fine. I could, because I'd be doing nothing else. Do you know what I mean? So, like, I quite enjoy the matinees. But I do get aware that, like, you want to create the illusion of spontaneity. And you want to create the illusion that this is just for them. Yeah. And, like, they know that you're doing other dates.

They know that you've got a tour booked in. Yeah. But when there's more than one on the same day, I become very aware that. they are aware that they're not my only audience that day. And I'm saying, do you know what I mean? They know I've said all this shit earlier today. I totally know what you mean. You lose the spontaneity, the illusion of spontaneity goes out the window.

If I was at, if I was at that eight o'clock show, I'd go, he's not got him. Yeah. He's said always before. Oh, look at him pretending to think of this for the second time today. Look at him giggling his way through this like he hasn't said it, 360 fucking times the insincereprick. Yeah, yeah. Oh, look at him crying at the loss of his hamster. Again.

I wanted to ask you, right? Because I've never properly got had a chance to speak to you about Strictly because we were on Sunday brunch together. That was really the only time I've seen you since then, and that sure's nuts. It's just, you bet you're better... Oh my God, you better get a time to breathe. But how did you feel on a Monday?

So for me, on Strictly, you would do the Saturday. Sometimes it would go well. I mean, it went a lot better for you than it did for me, but sometimes it would go well, I would enjoy it, I would like, I've got that. Monday, forget everything you've done. He has a completely different one. It's fucking soul destroy.

It's, you know what? And there's quite a few of the Sundays, you don't really get off as well because it's extra crap. Yeah, yeah. Or you've got to go into Elstreet on the Sunday evening because you need to train in Elstreet on the Monday because you've got it takes two. or something like that.

So it is really, really relentless. And you do have to start from scratch. And the thing I found as well is that like, because I wasn't watching anybody else, I had no idea what any of these dancers were. So, like, everybody else would watch everybody else and get a good idea that, like, oh, that's what a Charleston is. That's what a good one is.

Oh, she did really well under Charleston. So that's what I kind of need to do. Until if I'm wondering, die would have to start from scratch with me. That's so interesting, I'm not. explaining what a Charleston was. The artist one was, because they all borrow from each other in ways, you know, like the Fox Trot, it borrows from, you know, the American Smooth borrows from the Fox Trot and so on

and some of the Latin share different things. The Pasadoblo was almost like its own thing. Yeah. And like we were still on Wednesday evening. You get four days to learn these dances. We were still on Wednesday evening. And I was saying to die, are you sure you know what a Pasadoblo is?

Because this does not feel like anything, that anybody would ever do for fun this does not feel natural in any, the posture that horrible arching with the hands down. You're leaning yourself back and being really angry and getting your legs stiff and I was like, this is like

some kind of amateur dramatic kind of reenactment. Yeah, yeah. So I'll tell you what I, I remember I did all right on me Pasadobli. I remember Craig enjoyed me Pasadobli which I was very surprised of and I think it was because in the other ones in the other dancers

I had to hide on my face how pissed off I was but I could show it in the Pasadolet Yeah They were like look mean I was like oh I can look mean I'm fucking raging I'm sick of this shit I had a belt of a tango and a pasadour Did you enjoy like the full process of it

Do you know what yeah it was it was Overall it was remarkable I think it's the most remarkable thing I've been a part of In terms of that many people working towards the same thing, like the machine that it is, all the different people with all their roles, I mean, how they, listen, I'm talking romantically about something

I didn't give a shit about before I did it. Do you know what I mean? Like, it wasn't on my radar at all, didn't care. Yeah. And then, but for what it is on live TV, the way that they make that work without mistakes, you know, getting the sets on and off. Yeah.

It is, it's staggering. Yeah. A lot of course into it, is now. Yeah. And, you know, when you bring people along to watch the show who are big fans of it, you know, family and friends. And they say, to watch what goes on in between the dances is mesmerizing. To see the guys who work, they're bringing the sets off and on and getting it,

almost like a pits, pits lane, you know what I mean? You got 90 seconds, go, go, go. It's nuts. It is bananas. And it was remarkable to be a part of most exhausting, tiring, draining, physically demanding thing, emotionally terrifying thing I've ever done. It was remarkable and the most proud of anything I've ever been, you know, in terms of, because it was so far out my comfort zone. Like it was, everything we do in comedies, a step on from

what we've done, you know, it's all within our wheelhouse, even if we're stretching ourselves. Yeah. Whereas that might as well be in the moon. You know, it was... Is there any other shows you would like to do? Um, you know, no, I mean... Would you do with the jungle? I, well, listen, I said, I said no to strictly several times. Really? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, they asked me, they asked me quite a few times. And I kept on saying no. And everybody, everybody wore me down around me, you know. And I'm glad they did, you know, but I didn't think it was possible. I didn't think it would be possible. And so there's no point in me doing it if I don't come out of it looking like somebody like myself can do it. Because if I fail and go out of it in two weeks, it does nobody any good. So I kept on saying no.

So would I do the jungle? No. But in it's three years. Three years' time, I could be chewing on a kangaroo cock. Your last might want to go to Australia. Yeah, I mean, all strictly's proved that I got no willpower whatsoever. Searchlight Pictures presents in the blink of an eye on Hulu on Disney Plus, a sweeping science fiction drama spanning the Stone Age, the present day and the distant future,

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giggles because I don't think I could eat the things that you have to eat. I can't get them in my mouth. Like psychologically, I can't eat seafood. food. Really? I can't like eat things. I can just about manage the prones that have been de-edded and stuff like that.

But like I can't do things because in my head they look worse than probably what they do. And psychologically, anything in a piece of meat I'm good with. But like things that have got heads on and arms and like look like they look like they did when they were alive. I understand. Struggled to get in over the threshold.

See, well, I love all of that though. I literally suck prone heads and that. Like that's tough. And we're back to how you met Chris I knew it I looked at him I was like oh my bossy man What you doing seeing that

Why do I do this? Why do I do this? But no So I love all that shit But I couldn't I couldn't eat the stuff in there Absolutely not Is it true you didn't

You love pizza But you didn't eat it until you were like 20 I didn't mate no I mean like Growing up in Liverpool in the 80s I mean it's I'm not saying like But just the difference between being a child now and being a child in the 80s in terms of restaurants.

We didn't go to restaurants. No. We talk about this all the time. We never, like, we always mourn at the kids when they won't sit still in a restaurant. But we used to go for like New Year's Eve, maybe he's go out for a meal. Yeah.

Like me Nana's birth 70th, we all went for dinner. That's the only times I can remember being in a restaurant as a kid. Yeah. I wonder, me and my family, whenever we got food, be there's a chippy. you got a chippy, you know. And so pizza was never someone

we got as takeaway. And then when I went to, when I went to uni, that's when you start kind of eating out a lot more. And I avoided it because I didn't like cheese. I didn't like cold, hard blocks of cheese. Me neither. And then I was starving students.

I reluctantly had a piece of, it was a 99P, Sainsbury's cooking the oven job. And I'm just glad I started there because I think like... Only wears up. Yeah. Absolutely. I had a whole word of pizza.

It blew me mind. I was like, oh my God, this has changed me life. I went out, honestly, I went out the next day. I bought 10 of them, put them in the freezer. Shut up, man. This is me sourced for the next 10 days. You, you, my, Chris, loves Peter. I love pizza. I love pizza. I love pizza, mate, yeah.

Made to the point of way, if I see it on the telly, not even that, the kids had a little wooden pizza, like, game thing, with a Velcro, you'd Velcro the bits together, yeah, yeah. Even playing with that on the morning, I'll be like, well, I've got to have a pizza at a night then, because I've got the craven now. In fact, I'm having one tonight because we've just been talking about it now. I have to have one at night now. How old are you now, mate?

I'm 39. 39. And how often you're eating pizza? Oh, at least twice a week. Yeah, but nowhere near as much as you used to, actually. I used to have more of time. It's for twice a week. I mean, it's going to have to start coming down, mate.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's what you start having to make decisions. I mean, now I look at, when I'm ordering a pizza and I look at it and I go like, and you see all these stuffed crust things with pepperoni, pepperoni in the crust and you go, I mean, like this is a young man's game, this isn't it? It's your full daily allowance right there. I mean, I'm not making the end of the tour if I have that.

Yeah, I'm going to need Gavis gone in the crust as well. It's sad, isn't it? It's sad. How old are you in your last sight? So, I mean, tech, I've added it. since birth, but it deteriorated over 25 years. Right. So, yeah.

So, you know, it was a, I kind of, you know, got on well for the first 10 years. Yeah. It was frustrating and I struggled for the second 10. And then I was pretending I could see when I couldn't really see anything for the last five. Wow. So, yeah, I was a... I think my question is, and I think you know my question to me, could you see that first pizza when you eat that first pizza? Could I see that when I had that first pizza?

I was, yeah, I was on that, I was in that, like, kind of five years, so I was on the cusp of it. And, you know, I'd say a 99 piece Sainsbury's cooking the oven job, cooking the oven job, it looks pretty good when it's blurry. I don't know what you're going on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just take the focus out a little bit, yeah. Oh, God, I bet you look like a Frank Oman edited.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it adds a bit of depth to the cheese. I love that Are you enjoying the tour even though it's lasting your whole entire existence of life? Do you love it? Do you know what? Like does me adding a little bit and I get it a little bit

People see comedy as being different to other forms of entertainment People say to me Oh, do you just do the same show every night Well, I mean first of all You mix it up, you drop things out You stick things in, you change it round You have a play, but it's a show

You're right, a show You go and do the show A lot of the chunks are the same from the beginning And but like you don't say that to like I'm not comparing myself. I'm not saying I'm the rolling stones of comedy. But you don't say that about like bands who've been playing the same songs for decades. Yeah, no. They play the same songs.

Oh boy, you're just playing the same songs that you've been playing since 1968. Comedy's seen as different. And we've been our tours off at the end of them and then write a new one. Of course. And we never do that again. Yeah. But like even just through a tour, people find it amazing that we are. saying the same things that we have written that are funny.

Whereas, you know, in a way, it's a kind of play, isn't it? Of course. Yeah. You know, people go and do, they learn a play, they do a play for whatever. Yeah. So I love it. It's, I do less shows. Whatever, however many that is, 360 tour shows.

Yeah. Since the beginning of 2024, it's still less than I would have been doing in clubs. You're totally right. When you're doing clubs to pay the bills, you know, you're doing, you're doing, I mean, Now, in London, you can do three, four, five a night. And you can move around between the clubs and you're doing a lot. So it's what you work towards, isn't it? I completely agree.

Because why would you drop that routine, yonks, the tour is called yonks. Why would you drop some stuff out with yonks and then put a bag of in it? Because then you're going to have, when you do the next tour, you've got to do all of it again. And then you've wasted half of it on, you know, the first 175 dates won't have seen the news. stuff so then they come again and then you've got a horrible mix where you'll have to be in everything or go again yeah absolutely it's what Eddie is I used to do and I think he got into a bit of trouble didn't he

at some point for starting his new tour off which was the end of the last tour and then people seeing the same thing and he was like that's how I've always worked is I can organically you know move it into the next one but what will happen I mean it probably happens with yourself is let's just say you've got an hour and a half

of material a chunk that was five minutes over that tour will grow to be 15 because you'll embellish it and you'll find the funny in it and then suddenly you've got 10 minutes too much so you'll end up dropping a bit out that was 10 minutes you'll do that and then as that

as another bit grows you'll go oh I'll drop that 15 minute bit out and I'll stick that bit back in and you can kind of play around with it but you're not sticking you're not writing brand new chunks and putting them in you're putting them in your pocket for the next tour

but everything grows and everything I feel like I feel a tour expands and then it shrinks back down to it it goes like critical mass past and then it goes back down to where it should be Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think an hour and 10, I'm normally happy with an hour and 10. So my support actors sort of 25 minutes interval, I'll do an hour and 10, then I'm gone.

Yeah, so I started the tour with that and now I'm doing it without the support. And yeah, but it's how it works. So I've done the first bit. I've expanded it. Nice. I'm not really shrunk it back down again. It must be tricky though, comics, because like you see, with their musicians, they do, do the same stuff. And any musicians listening, not that they're going to be, but if you'd be, but if you

doing a concert, don't do your new stuff. Because nobody wants to do your old stuff. You know what? Like I always said this. I always said this. Like musicians have got it easy because they just do all that. And I I'm a child of the 90s grunge scene. I went to watch Chris Cornell doing a solo gig at Scala.

Chris Cornel's a lead singer of Soundgarden. I went to watch him do a solo show and he played the entire new album from start to finish and I was fucking furious. Now, I admit. Seriously. Seriously. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it was a This is literally the worst album he's ever made.

He's a rock musician. He made it with Timberland's, the electronic dance bloody producer. Oh, wow. Anyway, sorry, go on. No, and I'm totally in the minority. I went to see Beyonce and I was so excited. I'd never seen her in concert. And it was the Sasha Fierce.

And I hadn't listened to Sasha Fierce. Stupidly, I hadn't really got into the Sasha Fier's album. And it's all she did. And I was just like, what is she doing single ladies? And she did at the end, actually. She pulled it back. But I was like, oh, I'd come for it. Like, thought you might have done a bit of Destiny's child.

Yeah. Really old school. Yeah. I don't imagine that. How arrogant on my book. I think comics do get jealous of musicians because you go, oh, everyone knows the fucking words to this. I would never get away with that.

Yeah. I've often said comedy's like a scratch card. It's like, done. Done. Yeah. You come and see me routine. You've heard it. It's done.

I don't think people want to hear it again. It's, I feel the same way, mate. There's a couple of, like, there's a couple of things where you, there's a, I think there's a few bits of material that I've seen. people do that I've almost been done like a where the audience have reveled in the fact that they've heard them I think Mickey's Out Out Outbit is one of them where people have requested it and just enjoyed sitting through it again

yeah the Kev Bridges used to have a bit about his bit on the telly that he did about somebody seeing him at a bus stop oh you fat boy yeah yeah yeah and I've seen people request that on you know and them do that and people reveling it and probably like Eddie Azard's you know Star Wars death do Star Wars There's a canteen. Yeah, there's one more. There's one more, actually. There's one more that I know you'll have seen

and I know you'll know. Tom Stade's Meat Van bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Meat Van bit. God, it's so good because Canadian does this bit about, I don't want to do it, but he does this bit about,

but when you, something about you people when a guy's selling meat the van, you lose your fucking minds. It's so good. It's such a good bit. Yeah, and I don't think, I mean, I think I've written a solid show, but I don't think I've ever written a bit

that falls into that kind of, you know, that people want to request. I've got one bit that people have requested before and I've never done it because I go, well, you know it. But it was, it's, it's, it's, it's, I did it on Russell, I was good news. It was my, um, the Curry Challenge bit.

It was a yoghatt. There was the yoghurt. Get the yoghut. It was a curry challenge story. Yeah, yeah. And I did. And people go, will you do that? And I go, no.

Like, I can't remember it. Yeah. It feels weird, doesn't it? It feels weird, doesn't it, to then go into something that feels spontaneous. is after you've been requested to do it, you know. There's a juxtaposition in what we pretend we're doing. Yeah. And doing it on request.

Yeah. Because I'm trying to tell you something that looks like it's off the cuffier. It's a little bit like you're like, you guys don't know this. But if you have an argument, right? And then Rosie, you tell Chris what he said wrong and how he should have said it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me, why don't you do this?

Like, you should have said this. And why didn't you say that? Well, go on then. And you go, well, I can't say it now? Can I? Because, because I'm just saying what you've told me to say. I'm going to school. I'll try and remember it next time.

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Medcan, live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. How long have you been married? Oh, um... Oh, um... 13 years. 13 years. A way, that's the same as us? I always remember it when was the Olympics.

2012. Oh, no, then, wait. No. No, we got together 2012. Well, we got by 2014. So how long we've been married? 10 years?

What year is it? Come on. Come on. Come on. No, no, Chris, let I do it. She has to, she has to get good at this. Come on. She has to get good at now in what year.

She's said. 2014, add 10. 2014 add 10. Take away two. No. No. Add two. There it is.

Okay, so how long? What did you say? Holy shit. This isn't a joke. Twelve. 12. There it is. 12 years.

12 years. Fuck me. Do you know what it is? Jesus. Matt's was never my strong point. Oh my God, my 10-year-old's getting Matt's homework at the minute, Chris. And it's literally the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire. It's just fractions.

Yeah. What the fuck? And you know, what's three ninths? Three. Back to the pizza. Cut it into nine and have three of them. Come on. It is.

Okay. That one, was it? Yeah. Three nines. That's one. Yeah. I mean, this is why, you know, people say that smoking weed doesn't do any good in life, but really good on eighths.

Yeah. Really? Really. Eights, quarters, 16th. Yeah, it is. Knock them out of the park. ounces, yeah. 28 grams to an ounce.

Really? Three and a half grams to an eight. Stop. You've got a question from the public. How are you doing it? What are you going to do? I'll tell you what. Do you want me to read it?

Or do you want my phone to read it? Oh, you're getting the AirPods? Should I read it or do you want me? However you want to do it, it's taught it to you. I'll read it. So I'm going to sit me a phone in and then you're going to listen. You can edit this bit out and then I'll just stare at my phone and it'll look like I can see. Right.

Okay, let me just, um... You can't pretend to read. No, you can just edit this bit in now and I'll just go, okay, I need to be able to see for this bit. So, okay, right, there we go. That's what I have to do. I only get five minutes a day, so let's crack on. I'm dying.

I'm dying. I can't believe you're using your five minutes for us. Five minutes a day. Chris were honoured. He's going to miss a fucking bustling enough of this. Oh, God, I'll be pissing on the bathroom floor later because of this. Right. Dear Chris and Rose.

I don't know if that's me and Rosie or you and Rosie. Maybe it's me and Rosie. Listen, you're here to date you. Please keep me anonymous. Years ago, I attended my local GP surgery as I needed a part of my body removing. Jesus. Okay. The procedure was carried out and then something popped into my mind.

Do you have any sound effects? I'll do one. Bam, bum, bum. I'll see I was going to all. I said to the GP, can I, he's written in a little thinking noise there, can I, um, I said to the GP, can I, can I keep that? Meaning the item that he just removed from my body. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

Yes, he said, looking at me in a puzzled way. What's a puzzled way? Looking at me in a puzzle way. Fast forward a few weeks later, my brother, who's living up north. I like the unnecessary detail. Yeah. My brother, who's living up north, received a handwritten letter from my good self. I'll give you a clue.

He's not a good self. Right. Yeah. Receives a handwritten letter from my good self, which he picks up just as he's leaving for work. He gets in his friend's car and there they are, traveling down the coastal road when he opens said letter. The letter starts with, you may. be wondering why I've solicit my shi-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ha.

To this letter, what was it that I decided, quite out of the blue, to send my brother through the Royal Mail. Oh, gee, he sent this body part that he's had cut off to his brother. Brilliant, by the way. Yeah, great. Oh, what he had cut off. I think I know what it is.

Is it foreskin? I'm going foreskin, but I don't know why he's old enough. I don't know why he's getting it done so later in life. Yeah, no. And he asked, he got a... No. I don't think it's his foreskin. No.

We would have heard about the problem, wouldn't we? No, I don't know. I think if it was foreskin as well, you wouldn't just sell a tape it to the top of the... You'd use it as the oh in hello. I was going to say, I was going to say, you'd put it through it like a scroll.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. You're rolling up like a scroll that you'd put it through, so it looked like someone hand delivering something in Game of Thrones. Oh, God. I don't know.

Oh, what's it had taken off? Like, in yellow? Oh, Rosie. What's the deal here? You don't see these at all? No, I've got no idea. So it gives a clue, right? Is it something that is grown and shouldn't have been there?

Or is it a thing that is normally there and should stay there? Both. Fucking hell, Chris. Is it a tooth? It's something that is always there and should be there, but has taken them on the mind of its own and done something it shouldn't have done. Oh, God.

Oh my God. It might be a toenail. No. What, an ingrown toenail? Maybe. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'd be so upset if somebody sent me the fucking toenail. Chris, we don't know.

You're going to have to tell her. You're going to have to tell her. Well, I think you should, with some confidence, announce what you just announced there, Rosie, as your final answer. It's a toenail. It's an ingrowing toenail. Oh, that's absolutely lifting. And he sent it to his brother.

Why would that be your first thought? So it says, I attended the GP to have my ingrow and large toenail removed. He put it in a test tube and I sent it to my... I asked him whether I could have it. He stuck it in a test tube. I sent it to my brother. I didn't even clean it.

I just sent it to him. Oh, you filthy. Does it need cleaning? Oh, well, they've got like dried blood on that, haven't there? Because, yeah, if you're getting it removed, it's been digging into the... I don't get why he'd send that. I'd like, what's the... Why would he send...

What does the rest of the letter say? Is that it? That's it. That's it. Do you have brothers, Chris? I mean, I don't know why he's like opening it down. on the coastal road. There's a lot of detail in here, isn't it?

Oh, his brother threw it out the window as well, by the way. Oh, and the coastal road. Oh, see-olds picked that up. Seagulls picked that up and tried to eat that I thought was an old chip. Yeah. So it means there's an ingrowing toenail floating around there, attached to a piece of paper with his address on it. Do you have brothers and sisters, Chris?

I've got a sister. Yeah, yeah. Would you ever send her an ingrownia? No, no, no. No. No. No. No.

We have a very different relationship than than that. She'd tell me to fuck off. She wouldn't speak to me again. Yeah, no, no, no. That's a bit of a weird thing, isn't it? Not nice. I thought there was going to be some logic to it.

No, he's just winding his sibling up, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say, I'm a little child, so I get that even less. Yeah. Oh, I get it. I mean... You got brothers and sisters, Rose? I've got a brother and a sister.

Yeah. And we've got two boys, and they haven't done it yet, but me and me, me, and my brother and sister used to prank each other. Yeah. all the time. Like, to the point of of, I drank more vinegar in my drinks,

like in my juices of kids than I can't even remember, like salt, laced with salt. Like, you couldn't leave the room. You couldn't leave the room. It wasn't safe.

I lived with a lot of anxiety as a kid of like, what are they going to do when I'm out of the room? Like, you know, to the point, so our youngest,

Rave, carries the remote control around the house for them, right? Oh, it takes it to the toilet and that man. He takes it at the toilet with him. Because his brother, he'll have the remote

and change the channel. So he just takes it. takes it everywhere. But I used to be like that with me with my drinks as a kid. Have to eat drinks out with you? Because they would just sabotage them. It's great though.

My daughter's 12. I mean, you said, well, growing up with a dad who's blind, she must have just and like,

learn to like, you know, operate in a household where, like, her father's blind and she must be really healthy. She takes the piss somewhere.

She's always hiding and jumping out of me and frightening me. Really? Honestly, we've got, I was coming on one day and I was put the key in the door

and she takes, and she's, She stood as soon as I twisted it to open it. She, rah, like that. I jumped so much. I bent me key and off. And I've kept this Yale key. It's literally bent on a 90 degree angle from how much she frightened me.

That is fantastic. And I've had to say to her, listen, you are going to kill me. I'm getting to the age now. You are going to give me a heart attack. Fantastic. This is totally different. It's like lazy. Lazy hiding?

Because she doesn't really need to hide. She just needs to be quiet. Lazy. She's set to serve. And he's starting to take some fucking skill. Guys, you've got to go. We've got to wrap this up. Chris, absolute joy.

We started together years ago. We gigged on the circle at the same time. And it's just a pleasure to see how well you're doing. I'll tell you what as well, we're here. If anyone wants to read my book, it came out of the end of last year. Don't you worry about that, we're going to give it a big plug

at the beginning. Well, I'm going to do it now just in case you don't, I don't trust you. It's called keep laughing. It's available at all good retailers and some of the shit ones. It's unaudible

and I read it myself better than I read the message. Thank you, Chris. Cheers, guys, nice much. Thank you. Oh, that was absolutely class.