Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Emma Doran

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie Ramsey are joined by the brilliant comedian, Emma Doran! The trio cover a whole host of topics including life as a parent and a comedian, the trampoline hack for Mam's and how they imagine the logistics are for being a Dominatrix... And of course, Emma reads one of your horrifying stories! Emma has extended her Emmaculate UK and Ireland stand-up tour up until 2027, including the London Palladium on 7th February 2027. Emma will also make her debut at the 2026 Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Pleasance Courtyard - Beside from 5 – 30th August For more info and tickets visit emmadorancomedy.com If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed⁠ Today, get Huel’s full Lite & Lean Starter Kit online with our code SMA30 for 30% off at https://huel.com/SMA30. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, welcome to Shagmarionoid. Please keep me anonymous. And this week we are joined by the hilariously funny and wonderful Emma Doren. We had a lovely chat with Emma. Such a good chat. Such a good chat. So funny. I'm just, I'm loving all these funny people, women, especially that we're getting on.

And I just feel like my mind's been open to all of these people. Now I'm going to go home and watch one of her special. Because you came into this industry that we are in now. You came in kind of straight into the telly and the podcast and you didn't do, you didn't do the years of circuit comedy that I had. watching all of these incredibly funny women doing stand-up and now you're getting to meet them all at the top of their game. I'm a bit jealous, actually.

You're getting all, just meet all these amazing comics at the top of the game when we were coming in. She was, God, she was funny. Very funny. We're such a lovely chart. And dare I say it, she met with in possibly the weirdest circumstances ever because I walked in. And what I do believe is quite a nice jumper.

Emma was sitting over there. I walked in. You saw me and you went, oh! And I thought you meant I love the jumper. And I did a little dance because I thought she loves the jumper. And it turns out you hated the jumper. And Emma was witness to that entire thing then I had to do her. I don't like her.

You don't like the jumper. No, but we're done the show now. It's all film now. It's all film now. I've got no chance to change a jumper. It's all being filmed. I'm wearing the fucking jumper. Have you duck the dag of?

Yeah, I'm not sending it back. I've worn it now. Imagine sending it back and they've seen it on the internet. Imagine how terrible that would be. You could just say you had a different size. Riesu does with social media. You've just got yourself another new jumper. See, he's younger and cooler than me.

He gets to wear the stuff I can't wear. Emma's here chatting about stand-up show that she is doing. at London's new Soho Theatre in Waltham Stone on the 7th of November, 2026, and we'll have a lush chat. And it was just really loads of fun. Yeah, so she's already sold out Lester Square Theatre twice. This is her biggest London show. She's also got shows Dublin, Vickers Street.

She's got Belfast, Cork, all of her island as well in our autumn 26. To her tickets for our Waltham store and the island shows on emma dorancom. Nice. Very to the point. Thank you. No, I meant the website. Oh, I thought you. You meant me deliver me. Guys, like and subscribe on YouTube if you're watching this.

That'll be massively helpful. Thank you so, so much. You can touch me hand now so I can stop talking. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle, we couldn't settle on a jingo, jingle, so this is the jingle jingle, we hope you like the jingle jingle, Bhabo do, babadoo, babadoo, bao Bha-a-do-ba-do-ba-d-d-a-d-ch-gingo!

Oh, God, I live my life waiting for this, man. Yes. I swear to fucking God. And does he get you going? That's when my fellow's like, come on, we'll get going, and then he goes off, so it's doing something. Oh, my God. All I did, well, it's a bone of contention.

He's always late. He's always late, and I'm sat away in for him. Faffing about. Faffing, doing bullshit. And what's he doing now? What is he doing? What is he doing? He's chatting?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was testing out with TV real earlier on. I could tell because you had a little audience and he was testing out jokes and I thought, you can see your top and hurry the fuck up. Oh, I'm just here. Oh, here he is. Sorry.

Oh. Who is this guy? You look, okay. No, I do it. It's lovely. I bought it for you. I know. I know I like it.

I've just not seen it on. It's a bit Doctor Evil vibes. Like, I thought you liked so when he came in. This is what is. This is all in you. It's more really weird. I thought you had a spark. It is. It's really nice.

I thought you had a sparkle, but you had to stay of them kind of. Did you think I was looking lovely? I thought you had a sparkle. I was like, fair play. So we did a dance? I did do it. I'm so sorry.

You're not here. Do you know what it is? No, I've never seen you in a little polo neck. It's nice. I like it. You had the sparkle because you were like the fucking state of him. He's delighted with himself

and he looks like an idiot that's why you were so happy. It's not gas. Oh my God, he got a thick skin. I did a little dance. I did a celebratory dance. All this is is that when I buy

your clothes for this job you need to try them on and I need to see them before you wear them. But it's actually nice. So there's a you know, you know Matt Richardson? Yeah. So Matt Richardson, the comedian. Should we watch them on TikTok nonstop?

So on his TikTok. Oh, Avidini's TikTok. Someone told me about it. Jason Cook told me about it. So he's got a TikTok where people ask him any question. He'll just tell he's quite honest and he talked about comedy and his career and stuff like that. And he said, I need to ring him, because he said that there's a podcast where the two hosts actually hate each other, but they're still doing it. Oh, yes, because somebody asked about podcasts, do you think there's people out there doing podcasts that actually hate each other and they.

They have to keep doing it because the money. He says he literally knows of one. Well, after the jumper thing, Eric can start a rumor that it was us. No, because we're nice to each other, I'd be suspicious. You know it's a marriage when you're slagging each other. Of course. That's the love language.

Of course. Yeah, now I've been watching this videos. Oh, yeah, he really, like, he's just answering every question. Really? Oh, I'm going to have to have a look. I've never seen this. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, he was on the honeymoon answering the questions.

What? Right, okay, I'm going to have a little spy on that. I love that. I watch a couple of TikToks where there was this bloke who used to work in TV in the 90s. Oh yes, I know. Have you seen it? With the glass, the cool glasses and the tash? I know him. I can't remember his name. But he started now just telling the dirt. Just in the dirt. Loads of like industry sort of secrets from years ago. Like Big Brother. I can't remember. Yeah, he was kind of like channel. He was hanging around Channel 4 and doing lots of stuff. And I remember on tell you back in the day. Yeah, he's on. Yeah, it's the funny. I love stuff like that. We don't know enough stories. So in like 20 years time we can't be like

Remember this? Because we're not in... Well, yeah, we don't know enough But in fact, the ones I know, the sum that I know that earth shattering wouldn't bother telling like really, really, really, really, really bad.

But then most of the comedy circuit stuff, everyone's heard all the comedy circuit stuff. Yeah, and it's all kind of boring and it's like, it's something that happened like 25 years ago and it was just somebody threw somebody else and you're like, right, oh yeah, the luck. Okay, yeah, I remember.

or auditions. You know, because well, I find comedians were terrible if we audition. So, like, actual actors are auditioning all the time.

Yeah. And then comedians might do an audition like, you know, once a month or something. And they'll tell you about my audition for that. But an actor wouldn't, an actor wouldn't they've just like, I just audition all the time.

That's the thing about it. It's throwing off shit some sticks. They, like, you hear like so many massive actors get turned down for rows and you go like, but it's the thing in an actor is like you audition,

audition, audition, audition, You do 20 auditions you might get one of them or you do 50 auditions you might get one of them but comedians are so fucking precious you get one audition month you don't get it again and a month later you'll get another audition I've done like three auditions in my entire life

got one of them didn't get the other two I thought I'm quitting I'm not I'm not doing that yeah I know comedians can't take no no no I don't think so but I sometimes think comedians make some of the best actors though because I think you are so aware of like you surround well

and well actually, no. What happened there was Rosie started saying something that didn't apply to me personally and then changed it. I saw there was a little knockout of the corner of a variety because sometimes I can't read a room.

No, but actually you are like now that I've met other comedians especially male comedians you're all very similar. Yeah. You are all very, very similar, very similar people, not extrovert, like very much introverts

which I find surprising. Yeah. But female comedians, I don't think. think I like that. They are, I think they are different. Yeah. How would I compare a female comedian? It's tough.

You see, because I suppose for a female comedian, you never have the thing, oh, of after a gig, men sliding into your DMs. No. No, they wouldn't. No. You're too confident. You're too, the odd one,

but they'd be like, can I send you money for nothing or like feedpicks? You know what I mean? It would never be. Sorry. Would you like to go on a date or something? Have you been offered money for nothing? Yeah. Right, Rosie, stop it.

This is like when you heard about pediums. This is like, I would... Do you know when you'd hear about like sugar daddies? Yes. I would love a sugar daddy. You would be tempted though because it is saying like nothing. Yeah, nothing. They just like to buy your stuff.

You don't have to do anything. Yeah. You don't have to do anything at all. You just get... And some of them like, I think. I think, I think I've heard, the nastier you are to them. So it's not even like that you have to respond. I say thanks on with us.

Oh my God. I take all that nastiness for free. You just let them send you money and you just say, fuck off. Fuck off. Yeah. It came. Is that all?

Yeah, that bag that you both came three days late. Dickhead. And I've already spilled coffee on it. So fuck you. That would give me so much pleasure. Wouldn't it be great? I would love to. Now older down the line, I think like a dominatrix would be so much fun.

Yes. Wouldn't it? Yeah. But then, I don't know. No, but one that did nothing. It was just kind of like there with a whip cut of fucking. Yeah, that would be nice. Stupid little fox.

Stania. Stania. Stania. Chitty. Stania is the best. Look at it. Stania. I'm not doing anything.

I'm not putting anything in clamps or not. On anything, clamps or nothing, I'm just going to. No, I don't want to touch them. No, it's gross. It makes us feel ill, actually. But yeah, how? It's kind of hard when you have to have the card machine. And you have to go, okay.

At the end. No, just tap it. Yeah, lovely. Thanks. But then, here's a question, right? I don't know what I'd ask. If you are a dominoerics and you're like fucking stadium, you're like having a right go at them and you're slapping them and you're spitting

on them and that. At the end, when they're paying the car machine, are you then giving good customer service? I thank you so much. Thank you. There's your receipt. Yeah. And then we're booking in again. Can we book you in again?

So is it not, you know, white hanging their coat up and all that when they come in? Is it all lovely? Yeah, I think so. Or do they come in? And you go, you fucking lay, you, do what?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how it works. I think you give them a coffee when they come into the waiting area and then when they come into the room, like, you stink a copy, stale coffee. Disgusting. Yeah.

Would you like a banana? You've got banana breath, you're fucking pig. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why that would. I'd be up for this. No, you would. I'd be up for being nasty

or someone. You could not have a dominatrix do stuff to you. I couldn't be one either. Yeah, it would break us out, yeah,

I would cry my eyes out. It would really... You would, if anything. You would strip us back to nothing. No, you would need

like the, like to motherage. You would need the other end of the thing. Oh, maybe the baby one. Like, I don't want it.

I can't believe I'm saying this. I don't want either of them. No, this is your 40th this year. This is why I said us. 40th. This is my.

So we're planning me 40th, right? go to my head, baby, someone just cuddle us and give us some milk and let us have a nap or Dominatorics nap and baby every single time. However, got I have a normal life or live that? I'll have normal, please. Right, okay. The only reason I've said...

The only reason I've said this was I was like, if I say this day, they'll have to say something back, let's see what they say. Or will run with anything. This is a trip. This is a trip. totally normal. And you're talking about being swaddled. Oh, no, I'm not, no, swat.

You didn't mention swaddling. I get claustrophobic. I'm not being swaddled. I get too hot. I kind of bit, you know, I thought I'd enjoy the weighted blanket but I have a puppy feet out of the bottom. I'm not getting swaddled. We're swaddled yet.

We let you peek a little couple of toes. Weirdly, this is, I'm doing the best. Someone listening out there, this is their fantasy. There was a man listening to this now who has just got himself an unsolicited erection and shame on you, sir. I don't have a fantasy and I don't have a fantasy and I find that. really sad. Silence.

Don't find silence. Do they think like silence? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You know what I mean like sexual? Like a fantasy sexual. I don't really have any. Oh,

I don't know. Okay. Let's stop talking about. Emma, let's see how good media training is. If we just talk about sexual fantasies for long enough

and just say if you just blur it yours out and then we'll tell you we can't leave it. I know, I was kind of like, I'm sorry. Right. How long you've been a comedian for?

I have been. How long have you been a pervert? Emma, you are doing your biggest show London show ever at the Soho Theatre, the Waltham Store, the new one. Yes. And the Waltham Store, it is Waltham Store? Yes, I was actually there yesterday.

It's lovely. It's not on Dean Street anymore. So there is a Soho theatre on Dean Street, the brilliant one. That, you know, it's a bit of a hangout for comedians when they're in London. And then there's this new one. Oh, that's good.

Bigger one, in it? I had a little gander at it yesterday. Now, I think it was nice because I was outside on my phone. I was like, I need a wee. I was like, I'll chance. I went in for the wee. Nobody questioned me. And I came back out.

So I was like, that's kind of a touch of class there that I was able to go in. Use the toilet. No one's like, do you want to get to your? What are you doing here? Everyone just smiled at me. And I was like, well. Trusting. It's a nice place.

Yeah. Toilets are clean. Good. Sorry. That's your review. Not sight lines. not the seats, not lighten, not acoustics. All right, but you're already, five stars already on TripAdvisor

because they didn't question you went in for a piss. Wow. I mean, wow. I didn't go into it. I have a gig here in like a few months. Can I have a look? I thought I'm going to say, I've got a gig in a few weeks. Can I have a piss?

Got a piss. I have, I do have a gig in a few months. No, I just thought it was a nice vibe. That's good. I mean. So, no, I went and filmed a little video. But yeah, I'm really excited because it's my biggest one. So I did a few Leicester Square theaters.

Beautiful venue. And I've been a few then. Then I was like, go, we try a bigger one. So I'm excited. That's so cool. I'm only starting to come over here now in like the last couple of years. So yeah. It is scary when you take that jump up to a next level of venue in any way.

Do I mean? Yes. Because do you not have that thing where you think, oh, no, everyone who wanted to come. came to them other ones. They've done it. Yeah, yeah. They've come now.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how my brain works. Yeah, yeah. It's terrifying. Yeah. Coming here now, I, like, this is bad. But I, when I started coming over for gigs in the last few years, I hadn't been to London since I was 14 with my mom.

Wow. We stayed in a hostel. And I said that to people. I was like, I haven't been here since I was 14. And they're just like, what? The fuck is wrong with you. They were just like, you sap. What do with yourself?

And I was like, sorry. I'm just. been poor. I've just been poor. I'm so sorry. Well, you've been very busy because you had, you had a child at 18. Yes. Would you fucking write? I did go straight

in there. Jesus. Christ. No, no. Because 40. We'll have to do an editor up on this. The Dominatrix and then I'm not trying to hear you. We're going straight from Dominator. We're going straight from Dominatoric. Straightly. You were a child at 18.

Yes. Yeah. So because, but for us, we waited. We think, we feel like we waited a bit late but it's that weird thing of like so how old you it's daughter how does your daughter she's 22 now Amazing

She's got a mate Yeah she'd be 23 this year And she Oh I'm like I'm obviously mad about her But she's like she's so funny She's a complete like She's a complete like She's complete dry shite

So she doesn't drink never has They don't have Has never smoked She goes She's training for like a marathon She's doing a high rock she's doing a PhD. Shut up.

Holy shit. Oh my God. She said to me, I'm thinking of doing a PhD. And I was like, yeah, go on. I'm going to do one with you. What's the PhD?

And then I did that now. What's you doing it? Like, what is it? It's cancer misinformation. They don't ask me any more questions. I have one line that I tell people. Okay. And then if they proud me more,

I'm like, I don't know. So cancer misinformation. Yeah. So you know, it's this kind of thing. This is my sentence. Okay. This is your online. So you know the way if you read something.

online or whatever and I don't know, say, say something, having rugs in your house can cause cancer and you're like, that is a load of crap. Yeah. But your brain and you know that it's nonsense, but your brain later on will kind of keep that there. So if you hear something else about rugs and cancer link, you'll go, oh yeah, I heard something about that. Actually. So it's how you can give people, what's the best ways to give people information, the correct information and the way. So she's doing, she's doing like a real service. Jeremy see that's seen in old school, well, Will Ferrell is doing the debate and then he collapses at the end. It's a bit like that. I'm like, that's all I know. So she's, she's real like, she's really like academic. Yeah. Like her like,

so when I did my last exam in school, I was pregnant with her. And when she did her last exam in school, in the same school, she got like the full points. Wow. So there'd only be like, you know, a tiny percentage of kids that would get like the full thing. So I feel like she's me if I had used all my powers for good. So she's like little cherub. It's a funny one though because I've got so at the minute I've got and I'll call them like my nieces but it's my cousin's my cousin's daughter has had a baby. She was 20. That was last year. And then my other cousin's daughter, she's pregnant now. She's 19, I think. So they're like young.

Yeah, young. It's funny because when I was thinking about it, I was like, oh my gosh, they're young. But then, you know what? They're young and they're active and they know what they want and they'll be great moms and they love the kid. And this part of me, we had children later on. I was 29 with Robin and 34 with Rayf. And I was tired. Like, genuinely.

And that's still so young though. Do you think? Well, I just felt tired. And don't get me wrong, I've got a friend who had our first baby at 41. Yes. So it's like, it's so different, isn't it? But I wish I had been younger. I really do.

I know. I think it was great for me in terms of like I was always, what would you say? Like lively. I had a bit of energy. But I think I really, I focused me. Yeah. So I think if I hadn't, I had her, I probably would have like flutting around for ages. Probably would have done a course dropped out.

Probably would have moved to London and rode a whole lot of fellas and done drugs and come back and had a breakdown. And do you know, I probably would have done all of it. of us. I don't know. She really put you, maybe I should have had a baby at eating. Yeah, I got really focused.

I was like, I have to get, I can't piss about now. I have to get serious. So I did, I went to college after I had her and I was very academic. Like,

not, but I studied. But I kind of felt like I had to tell the people that were only meeting me for the first time. I was like, this isn't really what I'm like. Right.

Because I felt like I was kind of cosplaying or something. But no, she really gave me like, and I think as well, You know when you have kids doesn't really focus your mind about what you're going to spend your time doing? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Because your time that you have becomes really precious, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're right, actually. So, yeah, no, I think it was a good thing. Yeah, it was. Yeah, she's great. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

When do you start stand up? When do you start coming? At 29. Right. Yeah. So she was like, say, 10. And then I was, I had just had another. baby. So in the 10 years, I'd met someone. We were like having a great time or whatever. And I was like, it was a kind of a wake of call because I'd done like little bits of, you know, bits of perform. But I'd be like, God, scarlet, like, you know, I want to perform. Like, you know what I mean?

Because it's in you. Was it in you for, I kind of wanted it. But I was embarrassed that, you know. I was like, oh God, looking for the attention and all. But I think when I was 29 and I was having my son, I was like, do you know what? That 10 years went so fast. I'm 29 now and I've only really done like little bits and bobs I was like I don't know if you had this realisation but I was like oh I'm going to have to put myself out there

because I kept reading all these magazine articles about all these stars like it all just happened and you know I was discovered and somebody said you want to do this and I was like yeah

and I was like that's grand that I'll send out those vibes with my eyes and that will happen but I'm not good looking enough I have to be a consistent median.

So I did. I didn't mean, I was saying, yeah. Sorry, just a fence taken. Carry on. When I went and did the first one,

and I fell in love with it. I didn't know that would happen. Nice. I didn't know anything about stand-up. Takes you in it, though. Only from TV. I thought it would be like eight mile. You know, like Eminem.

Yeah, yeah. You're cooking at the corner. Yeah. And people are mostly nice at gigs. Yeah. Well, I, so I used to do, did you start doing like gong shows and stuff where they're gonging off stage if they don't like you?

No. We didn't have a gong show in Dublin, but it would just be like, open might do this, you know, 15 people on in the night kind of thing. So I would do gong shows when I first started. Yeah. And they would play the eight-mile soundtrack before you went on. Oh, no way. So, yeah, very sort of adversarial, gladatorial style back in the day,

like you're very much. And then when you get to a gig that was quite nice and quiet and reserved and you're fucking shouting your material at them because you feel like the clock's ticking. Yeah. They would always get a little bit. So then you'd have to, that's when you got good at, like, reading an audience. Oh, yeah. But yeah, did it just get you straight away?

Because it got me straight. After my first gig, I was telling people, oh, I'm a comedian now. It got me straight away. Yeah. I'd say it took me a while to put it on the old Facebook bio, you know, comedian. Yeah. Oh, I made my, my space comedy page the day after my first gig. I'm not even surprised.

It's great, though. It's so exhilarate. Like, I was really, I got chatting to comedians after the gig, and they were telling me where else to go. So, you know, it was really like that thing, because it was one of these nights where you all do however many minutes and then the audience vote who was the best and I won so I was like

oh my God so I went home to himself and I was like I won and he was like fuck off but then I started getting obviously really into it and then a couple of months in he had to take me to one side

and he was like sorry what the fuck's going on like I just had a baby I was in a pub three four nights a week I'm not getting paid for any of these gigs he's like what is happening

he thought I was having a breakdown and I had to explain to him Start and stand up is a bit of a breakdown. Yeah. You know, so I had to say to him, no, look, if you get on well in this place, they'll get you in that place and whatever. And I explained the whole system to him. And he was like, okay, but it's still kind of watching me like, but it's weird.

It is weird. You're going off. You're like, it was amazing night. There was 18 people and like, Jesus, I had them. I had them. And you're like, did you get paid? No. And I paid to get myself there and back.

But Jesus Christ, I'm on to something here. Like, it's, isn't it strange? It is a bad little world. I don't think it's, it hasn't changed much either. Because my friends just started, well, I say just started. She's about three years in now. It's exactly the same, isn't it? It's still the same sort of vibe and still the same sort of stuff.

She's doing well now. I'm proper in listening to what you said there about how a man wouldn't slide into your DMs after a gig. Is that genuinely not? Because I always hear that men are more creepy or really creepy with female comedians, which is obviously awful to hear. Yeah, no, I don't think, like, speaking to, like, male comedians, the kind of, like, attention that they would get

or just to see after a gig and, like, you know, women going up to them and stuff. Yeah, all of that. But men are frightened about the women comedians. I'm just there at the back putting me, coat on going, I'm just going to get red and milk after, you know. I just don't think it's the same,

which suits me. I was never, I was never single doing comedy, which I think was lovely. Yeah. You know, I understand. Maybe different. I don't get any attention from men. No one fancies me.

It's, I'm devastated about it. Actually, do you know what? It's that terrible. Nobody at it. I don't get any. Nobody's like, oh. It's terrible. You know, because if you grew up in a time where you'd be getting like,

a wolf was looking at one. And I was going past builders recently and I was like, I don't want you know, all this. One of them is about to lean over. I'm like, here we fucking go. And he just goes, mind your step. I was like, oh, Jesus. I was like he takes time my little granny.

I was like, I was like, he doesn't want to assault me at all. Oh, sorry. He's no interest. I kind of felt like, I'm actually lovely arts under this giant fucking couch. Should I mean? I was like, oh, God. Speaking of that, I was going to mention this on our actual podcast. Speaking of giant, Jess.

No, no. Speaking of little old ladies, I was going to mention this on our actual podcast, but I mentioned it now, we were going into our hotel last night, right? And we'll cross door from Kings Cross and we'll go to the thing for the hotel. You don't you dare see you thought I was at You know I was Can you not remember what you said last night With the guy

It was ridiculous right So I carry the two suitcases up There's only about five stairs And the dormant stand on the hotel And you know your hand I went do you need your hand And he went you're all I love Do you need a hand

A miss You know okay miss Do you need a hand And she kicks off When I over talk to people And overexplate But last night The guy

Not a bad looking bloke Dormans He's really He's pretty good looking guy She went He no I like the lift it always up the stairs myself.

I like to keep doing it so that when I'm 75 I can still do it. And he went, okay. And I was like, oh. And that's why no one fat's into me. Yeah. His dick went, I saw his dick go inside his body. It went up like a dog's dick.

He is for actually, he's a good luck fellow as well. Oh, God. No, I like to do myself for that when I'm 75, I can keep doing it. He must have thought, who the fuck is this? What? I think it's because so last year I fell down the stairs, I hurt me back, right? So it's called having a fall. Was it your coxics?

It was my coxics. Yeah, I knew it. I knew by the frame you. I was like, she smashed her coxswashed her. Oh, my God, I've never done it. I was pissed when I'd done it, right? I fell down the stairs, it's drunk. Because I'd been at the toilet.

I have fun, though. Honestly, one of the best nights I've ever had. But I'd been in the toilet, I'd undone my trousers and they were long anyway. And they were sort of. half down and I went downstairs for a drink and I just

all the way down the stairs and then I was so drunk that during the night I remember turning and going oh god but I was drunk so I was asleep the next day

I had to ring my mom and my sister to get us out of bed didn't I put us on to the toilet Chris was there but you couldn't push it you were really mad actually

you were like raging she was fucking hammered were you on the wine she was on the everything I was on the everything so I'll give him the shout it was a pilgrim

my mate owns Pilgrim in Newcastle it's a new bar and they do some of the nice they do like a cosmopolitan it's like really nice but it's so strong and it's tasty

and it was just like just like that and I don't drink cocktails usually I'm very much I'm a wine person I just drink wine and I'm fine I could drink loads of wine This is how we know

you're a little L one because you have to give an explanation of why you were pissed you're basically kind of and I was on antibiotics and I went outside and the air just hit me and I wouldn't use your drink cocktails

and I had at Christmas it's getting managed It's going to go out. So, it's getting, you're almost at the territory with I just have a sherry at Christmas.

Yeah. That sentence is going to fall out of your mouth one of these days and then it's fucking over. Never, I love a drink. But, yeah, so I had me fall last year.

And then from then on, my back's just been a bit funny. So I'm trying to do everything by myself. Huss when it's damp or cold. It has hurt more in the winter, actually. It really has. So you're a back's a weather vein kind of thing,

is it like, just, there's rain on. Yeah. Oh, it's going to snow. Yeah. So,

I just be... If cows are lying down or Rosie's back hurt and it's going to rain. I didn't... And you know what? We took the kids sledge in. We took the kid's sledge and I didn't...

Me kids were like, you're going to have a turn? I was like, mommy's bag, I can't it? And now I'm like that old woman with a bad back. I have to do something for it. I don't know.

Do you know what I have? Well? Have you can get this cream? Mm-hmm. It's for cows udders. Right? Have you tried this? Is it for human...

Not consumption. It's called Richie's robe. It's like a farming product and it's this big and you hang it on a fence but you don't have to have a fence so it's a big container real cheap

Richie's rub and anytime like you that I have a twinge or it's gone I put my Richie's rub on it's really smelly though so the fella comes up and he's like

the udders are at you again he's like fuck sake I'll watch the match downstairs it's very strong sorry so we're talking like agricultural strength deep heat

yeah is this an Irish thing No. No. No, but loads of people are using this, people who are doing like the high rocks and all that shite. Okay. But you know, them people, they're putting this Richie's robe. Richie's rub.

It's for cows. So something, you know, the poor little cows having to do the milk all the time. They have to, they're putting the deep heat on the others, I suppose, to get the look out of them. I don't know. Did you breastfeed? No. No. No.

I've tried. No. I could. I didn't know about Richie's room then. I just never thought about cows, others. No, but you know what I did. I didn't breastfeed because I tried it the first time. Now the first time they said to me, I was too young and the midwife, no, she was lovely, in a lovely way.

She said to me, I was like, oh no, I'll breastfeed and whatever. She didn't want to ruin your tit. No, but she, not then. No, but 18, though, you're going to have really good. She said, but she didn't say it, I want to ruin your tits. She's sad to me. The medical professionals tend not to see that. She got great tits.

I don't want to make a sweeping statement here. I do believe if a medical professional says, I don't want to ruin your tits, you got great tits. Do you believe they get hold up in front of a tribunal? Yeah. She was like, enough going on. Because I still had to do my exams and everything. She's like, don't. She's like...

I totally get that. To be with a baby all the time. And yeah, yeah. She's like, no, you know, you're doing enough, whatever. Yeah. So when I had my son, I was like, I gave it a go. And my Irish nipples couldn't handle it. This is what people don't talk about.

Oh. The pink nipple. Pale. Cracked in bits. You can't. You can't. No. Mine just wouldn't do it.

See, it's not. everyone because I know mates and I'm sure you're the same who it happens straight away. Oh. And then you go and visit them, they're only out of the hospital a day and they're loving the kid on the boom and they're making you cook of tea. They're just like like this massive and they're just like, oh yeah, I'm so, I was so envious of that. And also I'd heard a rumour, which is true that you lose loads of weight when you breastfeeding, yeah. And I thought, I would like to do that please. I'm sitting there house anyway.

Yeah, yeah. I'm feeding this baby anyway. I'd like them to do it from my breast and I'll lose 300 calories. each day, but didn't happen. So. And then they got all big and... And they were just massive. And then I had to like squeeze them into the sink and that. It was just grim. Did you do the cabbage leaves? No, I didn't actually.

Oh, you see. But this one I don't recommend. So I wasn't breastfeeding. And I have nothing, but I was like, you know, they're like rocks. Yeah. So I was told to put cabbage leaves. Like wet, like wet. I'm not a, I'm not a, we, we're, witch. So he used a phrase earlier on that I laughed at that I'll have. I'm going to quickly use again now. Is this an Irish thing?

No, this is a real. I've heard this. It's like a known wife's thing. I've got to be excavating. I've never been Ireland, but I can't wait and go. I can't believe you asked if Richie's rub was an Irish thing. I think it is made in Ireland first. This is an Irish thing.

My mom told me to do. And she actually was a nurse, right? So everything she says to me in terms of like, you should do this, that I'm like, okay, brilliant. Yeah. Get the cabbage leaves, right? Put them in the freezer. take them out of the freezer

put them on the boobs to calm them down because it's like they're all hard and sore and whatever but then what happens is from the heat of your body with the cabbage leaves you cook to cabbage

so you go around reeking of cabbage so I think really it's actually a contraception because you know the way so many women get pregnant straight after they had babies so I think that was my mom

looking out for me and saying put the cabbage leaves on your tits do you know what I mean and you're not coming near So your tits smell like basically a hot paddling pool in summer with loads of grass in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually love cabbage, me.

I'd probably get the cabbage. Is that put you in the mood for cabbage? No, I really like cabbage. I'm having a proper cabbage moment. Oh, yeah, I love cooking cabbage all the time. I love cabbage. What do you have it with? So I do this thing where I make like pork.

Yeah. With ketchup manis. Have you heard of that before? No, what's that? Oh, I take a sauce that you can get it on Amazon. It's a kept chap chapmast. It's called. It's like a chep chap manis

So I thought you were saying it wrong The first time I heard I said it's so fast Kep Kep chaps Kep chapsap Manis Kep chap Separate word manis It's like a bit like an oyster sauce

Like you're really thick sort of black Because it's just taste lovely And then I add that in with garlic And then like loads of like veg and stuff And then I put it inside my cabbage And roll the cabbage leaves up We have it quite a lot, don't I? It's really nice

Oh lovely Yeah it's lush Yeah I do like cabbage and I thought you were going to whack in a few onions with that now. You don't even have to cook the cabbage. You can warm it up on a tit, ass crack, gouged.

Tennis, retchee! Yeah. Body temperature, tit cabbage, bit porkin, bit ketchup manis, kept tit maness. Oh, yeah, yeah, lovely, look.

Or tear cabbage. Have you steamed this cabbage? My mom used to do it and our tits is not the same. Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo, babo, babo, bab. Babadoo, babo, babo, bab. Right, listen, we're going to do this story. We have got a please keep me anonymous for you to read for us. Okay, lovely.

Oh, this is so fun. We don't know what this is. I think it might be on two, it might be spread across two cards. Oh, okay. We don't know what this is. Okay. So I'll just go straight through. Yeah.

This is an email from one of our phenomenal listeners. Okay. Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. I've been with my partner for quite a while. I would love to tell you a romantic story about how we got together, but it was basically a one-night stand that somehow lasted 11 years. that's us lovely

11 years ago 11 years as well I don't want a night stand one night stand was it good yeah yeah it was alright it was decent

so this is I should stop asking you about that and what did you do I'm literally having my sexual encounters reviewed in front of us by me wife

we did everything did everything everything yeah the people in the next room just fucking lost their minds because they know

how uncomfortable I am now. She did everything. Well, like, not everything. Like, just full. So funny, because we love talking about other people's sex. I don't know. Exactly same.

Exactly same. But yeah, no, we did everything. We did the full sex. Everything? I do believe it was full sex. It was full sex. Lovely. Congrats.

I remember. I went home. I remember after us because I went home afterwards and I got me chart out and I did take the full sex box on me. Oh, good. Yeah, I'm glad. It's great though when you first meet the person you're and you're just riding to meet the band

you're just in bits, your legs are in bits, just like, at a UTI every other week and you're happy. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think that's the best dots. Best dots.

Oh, good God. Yeah, okay, sorry. So this couple had to say. Okay, yeah. Like a lot of couples, we enjoy a cuddle in bed before you fall asleep. Although after 10 minutes,

we both are too warm and roll around and face the opposite direction to fall asleep. That's right. Yeah. After a while I'd been together, one night I felt an arm come around me during the night whilst he was asleep.

Cute, I thought. Even in a sleep he wants a cuddle. This occurred a few times and I quite liked it. However, one night, a few seconds after the mid-sleep cuddle commenced, I had the most bizarre experience of my life. Whilst his hand was on my stomach, he began fingering my belly button.

Yeah, right. It lasted a few seconds and then apparently satisfied, he rolled away and continued snoring. When I mentioned it the next day, he couldn't, he wouldn't believe me. Oh, Jesus, guys. I have a ninnie. Why is that so funny in your accent? I have a nanny.

I have a nanny. It's just the way it's such a statement. Look, right, I have an inny, okay? So it's more disgusting. Cards on the table. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it's a hole, basically.

Let's stop beating around the bush out. I have an iny. Which is better than an analogy anyway. But anyway, I haven't any, I wouldn't say it's weirdly deep, but apparently deep enough to satisfy his nighttime urge. Oh, God. Well. I hate him.

Jesus Christ. Well, a few nights later, I felt those wandering fingers approaching my belly button once again. This has become a frequent occurrence over many years. Yes, my poor belly button is violated with unsolicited fingering on a regular basis. To make matters worse, not only have I developed a very niche ick, but the sensation also makes me need away. This is fucking horrible. This is torture?

This is actual torture? So not only do I get awoken by the least sexy fingering ever, I have to lay my warm, comfy bed to go for a pain. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm not all right with that. That's awful. Get this man tied down in the middle of the night.

This is horrible. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like anyone. No. I don't like being touched when I'm asleep. I'm just like get off. Well, it's not consensual.

It's not. That's why. Being woken up. Walk up by someone prodding your belly button while they're asleep. And they're needing a piss part. So me and... It's obviously a button being pressed there. Well, it is it?

Literally. Well, me and Carl Hutchinson, who's a friend of the podcast who, who you know who supports us on. on tour. When we're on tour, if, like, we sit side by side in it, in like a van thing, and if the tour manager says, oh, you know, there's a service is coming up, there's anyone in the toilet, if one who let's slip and goes, actually, yeah, I'm

desperate, the other one just leans across and just pushes the stomach as hard as he can to try and make the other one piss themselves. That's basically what he's doing with this poor woman every night. I didn't know that that happened. Yeah, yeah, so it's like, oh, do you? Oh, you're desperate. Just push each other's stomach in, yeah, it's horrible. You see, and female comedians wouldn't do that to each other because we would piss ourselves.

Well, exactly. Oh my God, I sneezed on the train yesterday. I had a little way. I've just remembered it. You're going to have to start out that back. The pelvic floor is in base. It's everything. Just remember that. She'll have got a trampoline that she's only being on once.

She's only able to be able to trampoline once because she jumps too high. Well, no, every that's, but you know what you have to do if your kids have a trampoline and they want you to get on. It's another button. You've got to wear a tampon. Yeah. What, full dry, are your tampon in? You can give it a spit and put it in.

But you have to. That's the trick for the Mazz. If your kid has the birthday and you want to get on the trampoline with them. You don't have your period but you've got to... You've got to... Yeah, yeah. Could movies do that, but I will try that.

Try it, honestly. Putting a dry tampon in, honest to God. I don't know if anything worse. Nobody's putting a dry tampon in. Everyone's going to lick. I have sometimes when it's like towards the end. I'm sorry, it's just out of the pack. You're upset and there's more.

Look it. And I'm not to do with dry tammon. It's nothing do with the vagina here. It's the fact that you're licking, like, It's like quite a cotton. It's just cotton wool. I'm not licking cotton wool. It's the man.

It's just want to die. It's like getting hair in your mouth. But I get the one with the applicator. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll try it. The fact that some men find like sanitary products disgusting is just...

No, no. Licking a dry one is upset in his, aren't it? Yeah, you do what you've got to do. Look, you know, I've rather that. You piss all over me trampoline. It is my trampoline. I could rub your house by just coming in the door and just a little dry tampon. And you're like,

Yeah. I'm going to start doing that, do you? I'll pay you to send those videos if you're looking at dry top-pon. I feel so sorry for that woman. I know. Oh, man. Do we know? We don't know.

We don't know. We don't know. You never know. Just by the dynamics, it does sound like it's a woman. I'm just saying. But it could be a gay man who thinks it's a bummel. I don't know. Well, listen.

It's a man who needs fucking sat-n-mouth to find a vagina by the source. So a man. Sorry. That was very enjoyable. That was very enjoyable. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure to see you. Emma, you are doing the Soho Theatre at Waltham Store on the 7th of November, 26.

So get your tickets now because I think it would be a hoot. Can you wait? Emma dot com. There you go. Thank you.