Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Fatiha El-Ghorri

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

Joining Chris and Rosie this week is comedian, writer and Rosie's Taskmaster pal, Fatiha El-Ghorri! As well as reading a brilliant (but gross) story, the trio chat about hotels, stand-up comedy, past jobs, weird superstitions and why you should never look at the comments! 🎤 Get tickets to Fatiha's 2026 tour Cockney Stacking Doll Tour + Live Dates | Fatiha El-Ghorri — Fatiha El-Ghorri 📖 You can also pre order Fatiha's upcoming book Perks Of My Hijab If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Hello, you are listening to and watching Please keep me anonymous A Shag Maridinoid production This week we are joined by one of my Taskmaster chums Fatia El Gori

and we've had a jolly lovely chat and it's been really nice for you to actually get to know her. Yeah, she's actually just anyone who watched her on Taskmaster and she very much plays a little bit of a character within herself and her comedy of like proper hard lass.

I mean I think she is pretty hard. I mean I wouldn't mess with her but she was so really really genuine and opened up about, talk about different things, jobs in the past and things. We had a really, really good chat. It was really nice to get in a while.

Really enjoyed it. Fatia is on tour, 2026, May June, and her tour is called Fatia El Gori Cockney-Stack and Doll. She explains a little bit about that in the show. Yeah, and tickets are on sale now. And if you're watching this on YouTube,

please subscribe and like. Why not like? You might as well. And if you listen to this, as you were. As you were. The jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

Jingle-d-Ding-Gong. So this is the jingle, Jingle, Jing-Gong. We hope you like the jingle, jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, do back? Jingle! Thank you.

Do you get a special water? Yeah, I just don't drink tap water. Oh my gosh. Because I'm a bitch. I like it. I don't like it. Yeah. Thank you.

See? Because I can tell if it's tap water. Can you? This is so funny. because, do you know, I saw Stevie Martin recently and I went to see her in Durham on that to where, it was so good by the way. You better come see me now.

I will, oh my God. I'm coming up your way. Oh, you're coming up your way? Oh, you're putting up. Oh, I don't know. I am coming up there. Oh, no, I will. Let me know.

Yes. And I'll come see it. But it was so funny. Because she was like, she was taking the piss because when we did Testmaster, I was in a different hotel. Yes. Because I was a boogey.

And I was like, I was like, I've had some really shitty hotels. But you were actually in a nice hotel. Yeah, it was all right. Apart from the family that was having a wedding. And then one day we came home and there was so many fireworks. I was like, is it November? Oh, stop it.

Honestly, it was like bam, ma'am, ma'am. I was like, what the hell? And they were doing like renovation or something in the back. So like six o'clock in the morning on our days off, it was like, do, do, do, do. Right. Well, then there you go. So there's none of that in my hotel. So now I'm actually really glad.

But I'm actually really glad. But I said, Stevie, I went, Stevie, give it another year. Give it two year. And I can't wait because I'm going to message you. I'll be like, waste in. Yeah. Waste in tonight. Stayed with the rest of the cast, did you?

I think not. Yeah, I think you didn't. But now you're just on few of our bottled water. So good for you. Just bottled water. One of the worst hotel stays I had was lying in bed and I heard what can only be described as like full on building works. And I was like, it was right above me bed. And I was like, what's going on?

And I got out of my bed and I walked down and I went in the lift up. This was like seven in the morning. And right above. So each floor must be concrete right above. There's a guy with like a fucking pneumatic drill and he's just brr-and it was literally the room above mine. And I'd walk in the room and I looked at him. I went, you're all right?

And I went, yeah, and I just got my phone. I took the photo from right. I went out at reception. I went, what the fuck is going on here, by the way? But they're allowed to do it after a certain time. Yeah, yeah. It's like, well, you should be up. You're obviously on this hotel

because you work in the city. No, no, no, no. Yes, it is my fault that I got in a two o'clock because we drove from fucking Oxford or wherever. It's my fault, mate. but I'm still pissed off. That's crazy. What if it went straight through?

I didn't even think of that. I didn't even think of that. I'd be like, terrified. I did too much about it. I've had people smashing in trying to kick me door down in the middle of the night. I've walked in the hotel rooms, man. I've walked in.

I've checked in a night and I've walked in. I've walked in my suitcase and I've looked and there's been someone asleep in the bed and I've gone and I've walked back out. And once I saw the guy at breakfast next morning, I was like, I was fucking in your room last night, pal. And he didn't even notice. He didn't know he was like, yeah.

And I was like, I was in his room last night I could have done anything And I had, we put, we put chairs up against the door Do you? Do you? And I hate, you know, What do you put on the chair? Nothing, I just balance it. Just as long as it makes a noise.

Or you know that thing you put your suitcase on? Ah, yeah, yeah, the thing that goes together. Yeah, if you put that, because at least if they tried to come and it will make a noise. It'll clank it, yeah. It will. I do that. Sometimes if you can't put the chair, balance,

whatever, what you do is you just, you put the chair against the door and then precariously put cup and saucer on the edge of the chair. And then if they open it, the bang it, the cup and saucers going to fall off in you can. Although we will walk up in the most boozy way ever last night, speaking of boogeiness. You're going to die. It was as I said it, I was like, oh, God, I've changed. Well, I'm saying, two o'clock in the morning, I heard what sounded like, like, low calibre gunshots.

Like, p, p, p, p, p, p, and we're both. And I went, oh, I went, it's just the ice in the ice book. I was like, I was like, I'm like, how fucking booze. shall we? The ice moved in the ice book and now I was ready for action. How is life? How is everything going? Yeah, good. Just like working, working, working. I'm like, ah, you know, a bit tired, but it's all good. It's great. Yeah, just work, work, work. My book's coming out. I'm working towards a tour. I'm just like, everything's kicking off all at once. Nice. The power of Tasmasters.

We haven't got this on here. What's the book on here? It's called The Perks on My Hijab. And it's like a teen book, pre-teen book. And it's coming out in May. So it's just, but writing, if you have, you've written a book. Yeah. Is it fiction, nonfiction or is it? It's semi-autobiographical. Okay.

It's a little bit based on me, but I've threw the eyes of my niece, but some of my experiences. Oh, okay. How are you finding the rating process? Well, it's all done. But when I first started it, it was blood, sweat and tears, my crying. It's hard, isn't it? Yeah. Like, calling the editor going, I know, you.

I found it. Chris is really good at it. And we did our book, our first book. We could do children's books now, which is a lot easier, by the way. So children's books, so easy. We did our book during COVID. And he'd be like,

te-de-titty-tapy-tiby-tiby. And I'd be sat at the laptop going, I don't know what to do. Yeah. It came really naturally with you. I think you should do another, you should do another book. You know what it is?

It's just, I'm going to fill in a word count. And I go, all you've got to do 70,000 words. I go, right, okay. I could summarize this story in a paragraph, but I'm going to make it 12. And it's just, you know, yeah. Now, your tour, I'm very excited about the title because one, I don't understand it.

But two, when you just explained it to someone, you said you're going to get and bother. So I'm very intrigued. Fadiel Gorey, Cockney Stacking Doll. What does this mean? So it's Cockney because I'm a Cockney from the East End, Hackney and Bethanyl Green. And the stacking doll, you know,

you get those, the Russian dolls that go into themselves. Yeah, we've got a centre. one where we've got like mini little figures inside yeah yeah that's what that is right one time a few times in my life people have said to me trying to guess where I'm from and they're like where are you from and I'm like um it's a little place you won't know it and they're like no go on where is it I've been all over the world I bet I know it

and I'm like okay it's my mom's vagina but anyway that's a different story but people are always trying to guess and this guy goes to me are you Russian and I was like why would you think I'm Russian like are you mad like you need to honestly and then He goes, oh, because you look like that doll that goes into itself. Yeah. Oh, so a lot of people. Right.

The little hair. The little face. You've got to know that you've got a really cute face. You have a really cute little face. You have like. Do you know what's so fucking weird. This is the longest me. No, no, this is so fucking weird for me because this is the longest we've ever

chatted. Yes. All I know is from you on Taskmaster either flirt with Greg or telling fucking I'm going to knock you out, bro. And now you're smiling. look when I wrote a book and I cried and I'm like, what the fuck is this person? This is Faddea, who I've got in a one taskmaster,

who is lovely. Oh, thank you. It was so lovely, but also when the cameras go on, very scary. Right. And very impressive. I do have that side, but I just, I don't, you are nice people.

Why would I threaten to walk your ass? Apart from when I walked in. And she took her time saying, hello. Yeah, it's really always. But fuck out of you. Yeah, she would get out of here, bitch. I was like, I'm also here, but I'll wait until you said a load of Rosie

because I feel like that's what you're actually waiting for. I love you both. I love you both. You've been doing loads of telly stuff as well. How do you like the telly? What do you like better? Telly or stand up. Stand up, to be honest.

Always. That's where my heart is. That's the best. I feel the most alive. I feel the most on. I feel great. I have the most energy. And you're in control.

It's my stage. It's my time. I'm doing like it's not like we're doing. TV and they're like, can you do that again, please? Which you're probably going to do at the end of these, gang. No, yeah, no pickups, yeah. No pickups.

This is just one and done. So you're just there catching strays like, ending people's careers. No. Because if you see anything, we'll just take it out. If you want something to take it out. You're very kind. And then we keep it and then we email you

and we send bank account details and you send the money with that bank account if you don't want it to go out. And that's just the way we do it. Pretend to be a Russian prince. Yeah. No, that's not a bag. But you didn't start stand-up until 2015.

Yes. What made you do it? So I was married. It was my second marriage and I got a divorce. Yeah. Because that's what I like to do, honey. I like to marry them and ruin their lives and then divorce them. Wow.

Wow. I had no idea until I read it on an email of research that you've been married twice. What happened? It just didn't work. It just didn't work. So I ended it. And then after that, I was on this website where you can look in like local, in your local area, you can look up like knitting or like a walking group or like a boards game night or something like that.

And they're all, most of those events are like free. So I was looking up walking, having like a local walking group. And then this pop up came up. Do you remember when we used to get pop-ups? Yeah. And it came up. I don't mean to brag, but I had a pop-a blocker. It's pretty tech savvy, I'll be honest.

Yeah. Right. Sure. Sure. I never. I just had it. I had a poplar block. I think it was nought an antivirus. It came with a free poplar blocker. So, you know, stay safe out there, kids. Sorry, carry on. And then, yeah, it just popped up and it said try stand-up comedy.

And then that was it. I did the course. And then that's it. Wow. So I thought it was for like the way you make, right, okay. I was going to talk a lot of the way. Yeah, I thought that's what you saw. Oh, no. All right, you jumped stories there.

Right. It came up saying try comedy. Yeah. And you did a course? Yeah. Wow. That's fucking annoying. Yeah.

That's annoying. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be offensive. But I firmly believe that they don't work. Yes. But you're sitting here in front of us. No. So I think when people think of comedy courses, so this is what I would describe a comedy course as you go there to make connections, to gain confidence, to how to write up a joke and all that kind of stuff.

Some techniques, some techniques, some joke writing techniques and stuff like that, which I've never used. But the main thing is that. and they give you a stage and you meet other comedians at the same level as you and stuff like that. Okay. But they don't, they can't make you funny. You either have it or you don't. I said that to you. I firmly agree.

It's the same with singing. You can either sing or not. I don't think you can be taught out to sing. She's been taught to teach me to sing for 14 years. Oh, yes. I think you can to next, you know, to a level and you can get better. But I think you can either, it's a natural and comedic to see me they've got you. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you. It is like singing as well. Yeah. There is a natural, like you said, you can learn to a certain degree, but there has to be something in you. Totally.

If you don't have that thing, then. What were you doing before? I don't actually know this. I was working in a university. I was just doing admin and stuff. And before that, I was working in schools. Like, you know, Prues, like pupil referral units, where all that, the naughty kids go.

Oh, shut up. Kids that brings knives to school and things like that, yeah. And all that kind of. I could see you there. Yeah. I loved it. Because I was like one of them in it. Take your names and what about us.

Yeah, yeah. One time one of them told me to shut up and I followed her outside and I was like at 3 o'clock and I was like, tell me to shut up again, in it? Tell me to shut up again. I was like, don't ever think you can talk to me at that in class and then outside here I won't bust your head like that. Don't ever talk to me like that and that was it. Fucking hell, that's amazing.

They never run their mouth again. No, they need people like that. Yeah. They need people like that in those places who actually just talk to them how their parents, you know, how they're normal. Just like... But a lot of them, their parents don't give a shit. So this is the problem.

Like a peer would talk to them. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And they like that, you know, like that kind of, like you're being a pet, somebody that cares. Their parents don't care. Because they're going in and at any time they want. They're like, I'm going to go and get a tattoo.

The mum's like, or the dad's like, yeah, whatever. So they're not involved. Whereas when you're like, you can't do that, that's not. They fight you, but they like it because it means you care. Because it means you care. But yeah. But it's about getting a balance. Like, they have to know you can't take shit.

I remember there was a girl chasing a teacher with a butter knife and the teacher's running I was like what the fuck is going on it and I just got in the middle I was like what are you doing put the knife down right now and she listened and she done it and I was all up in her face with my chest like this going put it down in it put it down and oh this is a fact your animal this makes more sense this first of all a butter knife was the butter on the knife yeah we're having breakfast and then the teacher was there was butter on it See, that's, so I don't like grease or anything on my face

It makes us really upset I would run from a butter knife with butter on Not for the fear of being stabbed For the fear of getting grease You put butter on my face I'll have a spot in the morning You've got good skin by the way He's got a real skin to both of you do

It's a dark shit It's dark shit I've got really greasy skin Wow, that's wild though That's wild So I'll prop a job Like a proper job Like I've fucked about

And you fucked about But that's a proper I've had proper job Yeah, bologs You did Name three All right, I worked at Dorothy Perkins Shop, doesn't count

I was a recruitment consultant Yeah, why are you though For how long? For you? For merchandisers Who I would put all the lads I would interview Oh my God

I don't think I've told you this This was such a mad job Exclusive We'll do the jingle It's a rosy vimesie exclusive She made that up I don't think you tell So I would have to set up

The office Like a supermarket And they would all have to come come in and this was the interview and it was about merchandising and it was about setting and they would because the people were employed they would go to the supermarkets when they were just built and they would have to put up all the shelves and everything so I would have to set it up and they would have to put all the shells together then they would have to put all of the food on and I would have to have loads of tins and

crisps and I remember this is how greedy I am I remember I just loved it because whenever I did it I would eat loads of crisps because I would have to buy big 12 packets of crisps. How would you set up an office as a supermarket? How did you do that? It was just like an empty room, like a conference room, and they would have to come in and build all of their stuff. So, okay, back one more step. How would you set up that room as a supermarket?

You, you said, I used to have to set up the room as a supermarket. Do you mean you would just push all the chairs to the side? I put all the chairs to the side. I knew it. I knew the story. As soon as you said, they'd build the shelves. I thought, she just cleared a room. That's all she did here.

She put chairs and tables at the side. and she wheeled stuff out the room, that's all you did. Brilliant. Yeah. Did anyone ever fail? Did anyone ever do it really bad? And I don't know, put the sweet corner at the top and the chocolates at the bottom. You're like, sometimes they could just not put the shelves together and they wouldn't get the job.

No way. That's ridiculous. Well, listen, I've got, and then I would have to book all of the accommodation because they would go to wherever. And I would have to book bread and breakfast for them all. And so, I have had serious jobs. Fair enough. And by the way, anyone who works in a shop, I wasn't slagging off chops. I was just doing it for comedy effect.

I could talk to annoy Rosie. I've worked in shops. If you start on him, I'll come round your house. Oh my God, she's got me back. This is amazing. Back right up into the fridge and put that shit away. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo. So are you enjoying comedy?

Yes. Was it the right path? Yeah, definitely. The right path. It's like, for me, comedy's so layered. It's not just about making people laugh. There's representation. you know, there's not a lot.

I don't think there's anyone that looks like me that's at my level. So it's so important. I get so many messages from like young girls or people, like some Muslim girls, hijabi girls, or just girls that are minorities. Yeah. And they message and they're like, how do I do comedy?

I've always wanted to do it. But I don't think there's a place for me. And I'm like, you have to make your place. Yeah, exactly. There is. You have to fight for it. Yeah. And stuff like that.

And you do have to work harder on. Fortunately, that's just the way it is when you're different. So there's that. And I love that part of it as well, being able to give that to these people, give back. Even men message me and go, I really like what you do. I want to do the same. And men from minorities as well. And I'm like, yeah, do it.

And I always say to them, do it. You've got nothing to lose. If you don't like it, you don't do it again. Exactly. I totally agree with that. Just try it. And then if you don't, if you like it, great. If you don't like it, then nobody has to know.

Exactly. Really. Nobody really knows, does it? I remember very similar when I first started comedy and when I first started getting in for myself people in the North East and stuff would say oh my God how did you get into that

and I'll be like it's fucking closed mate I was the last one you're not coming in going fucking bog back to your office this is mine don't you day I am very much a kick the ladder down climb up and kick the ladder down you're not coming up here

no one doesn't think any other podcast exists there's no other podcast do you know we're the only podcast in the country isn't that amazing It's not unbelievable. In the world, all your podcasts in the world. But it's good, though.

I mean, there is relevance to that. And if that's because you should block out other things. Do you know what I mean? Don't concentrate. Because then you start comparing it. And that's a natural human thing. Yes. So.

Was it comparison as a thief of joy? That's right. Boom. Exactly. They still reading comments. Do you know the problem with... Hold on, hold on. Backstory, Rosie.

Backstory. Yes. During Tasman. Master, a lot of our group chat was all of us telling Faddea to stop reading Reddit about Tasman. Not Reddit? No, no. Reddit, the worst one.

Oh, don't go on there. That's the dark. That's one step away from the dark web. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I don't know what was wrong with me. But so I don't read Reddit, but like, you know, sometimes people comment nasty shit

on your stuff and you can't help not see it because it comes up as an application. Yeah. But what I do is like, for example, this, people are going to chat shit in the comments. Like, I can't say nothing because it's your podcast. Go ahead. Look, no, no. If you want to go in our comments and you want to start fights with people,

that interaction gets it way up in the algorithm. That, you want to put, honestly, just go on all of our stuff and start, if you got an afternoon and you just want to start giving keyboard warriors a fucking kicking, that'd be well up for that. It's just, if it's on mine, I'll fucking tear them. I tear their ass in half. Really? And then no one you tear a piece of paper and then you tear it again and again, that's what

I do to that, bum hole. Because I don't take shit. Good. Because some people are just so fucking rude. I'm like, who the fuck do you think you are? You don't know anything about me. You don't know, you know, like they'll see a little clip and they'll go, that was so rude. I'm like, you've seen a 30 second clip.

You didn't see what we said before after. You don't know what it's in relation to. The only is you have a problem because of this. That's what your problem is. So just be straight with yourself. And then we can carry up. Do you know what I mean? Like, what the fuck, man?

I don't look anymore. I just don't look. And ignorance is bliss. Yeah. Like, I was listening to an American podcast because I watch all the real housewives and stuff. And one of them basically said, she was like, I just live in a bubble of like,

I've got no idea what anyone thinks about us. And I'm kind of like, I need to adopt that. Not too much because then I think you become a bit narcissistic and a bit like, I still want to be away. of life, but that, it can be really damaging. I've saw stuff before and it's like ruined my day. Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this. So. They can be really cruel, but for what? Like, if I see something I don't like, I just don't look at it again. Yeah. I'll text my sister. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

I'll talk to your friends. I can't bear them. Yeah. Why are you going in someone's comments and saying stuff like that? Do you know what I mean? And then the other thing that pisses me off is they do it with an anonymous account. If you are a tough cut. A lot of fucking numbers.

Yeah, yeah. Come with your child. chest, isn't it? Come with you. Let me see your fucking ugly face. So I can tell you how ugly you are and that your mom and dad is probably a dog because you look like a dog. And then we can you know what I'm saying? Sorry I said

cunt by the way, just cut that out. No, I wouldn't see it it, it's fine. But like, do you know what I mean? I'm like... I totally agree. So don't come giving it the big and then you don't like you're on anonymous. Are you mad? I know. A picture of like a fish. Nah, bro. And then like come with your face. Come with your face. See it with faces.

See it to me when I'm due on in ASDA And I will I'm not a fighter But I won't fight She'll rip your face off like Then you know them chimps You know when someone keeps a chimp for too long And the chimp just goes fuck this

Do chimp's go for the face? You know that? They just pull your face off Oh really? Yeah, that's what she would do on. I'm not really had a proper fight Other than with my siblings But I think I'd be scrappy

Yeah I think you would Like yeah I think you'd be well fast I think you'd be like Doodoo do do do Yes that's what Oh God

You have to find Yeah I would actually she'd be like, oh, God, I love that. Look, it's so lovely that you're filling up all of shit. You, Mark and Elle, you haven't seen her trying to get up off the sofa. She would not be fussed. She would be so fucking pathetic.

It would be, honestly, fetal position. Oh, don't even. Telling everyone, I know, fat, you're all gory. I'll get her to get you. I'll get it. Not in the face. I'm recording a podcast tomorrow. I don't.

Post and ghost man on Instagram. I just post and ghost. I will not read it. And it's just, I just don't think. you should have to know everyone's opinion all of the time and all right people could argue that maybe you know if you can't take everyone's opinion but my job is putting that shit out there

so I just put stuff out there we'll put the podcasts out there put the things if people love it and the numbers go up people love it you don't need to know if certain people don't like it because the thing with comedy if they don't like it don't laugh the silence tells you I don't need another layer on top of that of

oh by the way your fucking shoes are shit and your hair's rub it like I don't need that as well like if you don't have laughed or you haven't clicked like then fair enough. No, I don't know anyone who trolls online. And I don't think sane people troll. This is on our notes. Yes.

And I just need to know more about it, right? Okay, so says here, back here, grew up with a mother who was very superstitious. And the example is... I love this. The example is your mom thinks, if you eat out of a saucepan, it'll rain on your wedding day.

What is that? I've got a bad habit, man. I just like, when I cook... If something's cooking, I eat straight from the hob. Oh, so do I. Do you do that as well? And I love when food burns and it sticks to the bottom and I'll just scrape it all up.

That's not my favourite. I've been known. I've roast quite often like tomatoes and peppers and I'll get me fingernail and I'll just get all of the oil, the burnt oil and I'll eat that. Yeah. So what? Kindred spirits. So yeah. Yeah, that was my mum.

She used to do that. She's like, stop doing that. If you do this, it will rain on your wedding day. She's a Russian. No, everyone says that when I'll do her accent. I couldn't resist. I'm so sorry. So what? I've never heard of that superstition, though.

I think it's a Moroccan superstition. That's what I think. It's the same with like scissors. She's like, don't play with the scissors. Don't keep on like opening them and closing them. You're calling the devil, the shaitan, which is the devil. You're calling her evil spirit. If you go up and down on the scissors, you're calling on an evil spirit and they're going to come.

And if you, you know, like if you sit on saying high and swing your feet, she's like, stop doing that. You're going to bring in something evil. I'm like, what you're talking about? We're in a dining room. Where's it, has it coming in? Do you now, though, now that you're older, do you think it was really superstition

or were she just trying to scare it to stop you doing it? Probably. I think it was that. You know, like, old wives tales? I think it's all that. And people do do that. And I notice sometimes even my niece, my mum will be like, stop doing,

like if my niece picks her knickers out of her bum, like she's only six. And my mom's like, stop. If you're doing that, the ants are going to come and eat you. And my niece is like, what? It's just to stop her from picking her Obama knickers and all that. Do you know what I mean? No, yeah, I totally do.

I think it's like that. My dad did it recently with the, Rave wouldn't go for a wee before bed. And my dad was like, oh, the, uh... It was so random. It was like the fucking toilet theory on getting or something. It was absolutely bollocks. It was something like the...

What a wee? What do we call a wee? Piss? No. Like for kids? Oh, yeah. He said our four-year-old. He set our four-year-old. Rule, the piss, yeah, the piss pixie.

It was pissy. He elitrated it, which I thought was great. I can't remember. Was it the tinkle theory or that? Something like that, like the tinkle fairy. Or come and get you in the middle of it. I mean, 40 year old was like, what? What I was trying to see is you'll piss the bed. That's what he was trying to see.

But he put all this bullshit round of, yeah, the wee wee fairy, the pee-pee-pee fairy will come and get you or something. God, it was funny. It's such a, our parents kind of, you know, like we wouldn't do that now. It's why I've all got anxiety. It's just making a fucking characters

that we're going to come and get with. We don't do that anymore. They used to be the boogeyman. We would throw rocks at my nana's street down the street. Like I'd gravel off our driveway at the boogeyman who would come in the middle of that. I was terrible. Genuinely, I never told anyone, terrified of him.

Yeah. It was terrified. So this was at night you would just throw rocks into the darkness. You'd throw rocks down the street. I heard of them boogeyman? Because my cousins would be like, the boogeyman will come. He's going to come tonight.

But this was the same grandparents that they let my older cousins do a Ouija board and shit. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, it was like nine grand. I hope we had Mars bars for breakfast. Like, there was low-key, not much, not much parent going on. Yeah, no telly. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was pretty rogue. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo-da-ba. We've got a story for you. Oh, yes. Can you read it out? Of course, I can. Is that okay? Of course.

Thank you so much. Okay, are you ready? Mm-hmm. All right. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Yes. Look at me doing my proper voice.

I was going to put a read voice on. Very nice. I've got to see if this don't work out, I'm going to do like sex phones like I recently started a huge company and I'm based in a small finance department. That was awful. I don't even think you have to sound sexy. You know, that's true. Yeah, you should need to go.

Yeah, that's true. You need to go, your tits out. It's mad. Got me ten out. I've got one ten out. I'm reading this. So I missed that by what you did me? You put me on that little tonne wag at the end was so off putting.

So off putting. All right. Here we go. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I recently started a new job and I'm based in a small finance department. The employee I'm replacing had some leaving drinks and was given a personalised hamper.

In the hamper, was the standard card voucher, snacks and travel coffee mug. But one thing stood out, a roll of toilet paper. Oh. Oh. Skiddy Steve. There's an office story here. There's an offer story here.

That is odd, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you give a roll of toilet paper? Yeah, that's a finance department. It's an in-jerk. That's an in-jerk. Come on then. Let's find out.

What's he done? As the newbie in the room, when everyone laughed, I was confused until someone filled me in on the private job. There it is. Turns out this man who had been working at this company for around three years has been openly bringing his own toilet roll into the office to use for his daily shit after lunch. What? Why?

It's a toilet roll connoisseur and he needs his own brand. Oh, okay. He explained the quality of the toilet paper in the office wasn't great and bringing in his own was the only option. Oh, what a snob. What a thing? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, but there is a difference between toilet paper.

I've had really good toilet paper, I've had really bad toilet paper. But I just, you wipe your ass on it, so I'm not that bothered. I can tell you the worst toilet paper ever had. What? South Shields used to be public toilets. Oh, it was like... Trace and paper. It was like tracing paper.

It was like tracing paper. It was like little squares of, like, non-stick bacon paper that you put in the thing. Didn't dry you from. You literally, you literally just. was smearing shit up your back. It was horrible. It was when I was a kid. Yeah, when I was a kid.

Absolutely awful. A lot of schools, I remember being in school and them having that kind of paper or the recycled one and then you'd feel the bits as you wiped yourself. I'm like, what's that? Hey, the bits of God is like exfoliating. So expensive, but then you wipe and it doesn't come. It just stays in your bum or your front or what? I'm like, what is going on here?

But I don't like the really thick stuff. I like somewhere in between. Oh really? Have you ever tried that you really, you know the luxurious one when you're like, let's go for it. Oh, the toilet blocker. The toilet blocker. Yeah, it's too much.

It's like wiping your ass with a mattress. Yeah, I like an in between. That's a good thing. You're totally right. Okay, but this wasn't the worst part. After laughing off the toilet paper, a fellow employee turned around and said, well, it's not the weirdest thing

I've ever seen him come out of the bathroom. with. I've seen you coming out of the toilet with a coffee mug before. Right. Right. Again, I just laughed this off until the accountant replied and told us all why he had what he called the unfortunate mug with him. Right.

Is he having a coffee brig in there? Is he drinking his coffee on the toilet? No. No? What they're laughing at? I don't know. Do you want to carry on? You're fucking.

Yeah, go and I want to know the end. But sometimes, do you ever take your phone to the toilet? Mm-hmm. Yeah. But sometimes like I'll get up and I'll be eating like a chocolate or something and then I'll need to go toilet. So like I'll go with it in my mouth. Right.

Like a piece of it in my mouth. And then I'll do whatever I've got to do and then leave the toilet. But you realise that you're eating in the toilet? Yeah. Okay. But I don't take it in with me in my hat. Oh yeah. In your mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. It's disgusting. It's in your mouth. It's in there. You know, I've been living alone for too long. Please. Someone marry me.

Please. Not agree. Advert. I'm not having a minute. So what's this mug for? Right, here we go. He was filling the mug with warm water, dampening the tissue,

and using it to clean his ass. Oh my God. I don't know where he kept the mug or how often he did this, but let's just say, I made sure that I brought my own mug from that day and never used the communal crop. So it was a cop,

that's what the coffee mug was for. Right. And he's taking it in, like a, like a fucking, a DIY wet wipe and he's using the toilet roll his own toilet roll and he's own little mug of water

and he's wiping his ass down like someone restoring a fucking painting awful I don't think that's that bad he's cleaning no but it's a couple of things A couple of things that are bad about it is everyone knows that he was just dabbing

and wiping his ass with thing that's the bit that I don't like oh yeah I drank me coffee in the toilet disgust and that you could have said that not oh sorry yeah i was just dipping this in and like fucking bit spitting polish yeah why does everyone know that and he needs to change his diet because it's not there there's something wrong in his diet he's having watery disgust and man he up his back shites it's his fault you should just get some wet wipes he needs some fucking fiber in his diet

wet wipes in a little zip log bag yeah that's i carry i've always got wipes with him in the hand wipes i won't use them for that but yeah wet wipes see because we women we're smart i know It's you man them that are dirty. Disgusting. With your dirty bums. Did you bring something with you? I did. So, this, this, I, so I brought something in, which is just a coincidence.

Right. So I've got this thing. Have you ever heard of a B-Day, darling? Yes, of course. Our old house had one. I loved it. And we didn't get one. We said we should have got one in the new house.

Yeah, yeah. Didn't get it. Nah. Okay, so I, I've got loads of these at home. And it's like a portable. B-day. Right. You can get ones

that are small and going to your bag or whatever. So you open it up. Just explain this for our listeners. Oh, so.

Yeah. It's a bottle. It's a bottle. I'm going to, can I explain it from the opening up. Of course you can. So you open it up. Mm-hmm.

And then you fill it with water. Yeah. Okay. So it's blank in there. Uh-huh. And then you fill it with water. And then you take the top off. Yeah.

And then you put it near your bum. And you squirt it up your bum. That is amazing. And you can do it at your front as well. Oh my gosh. So it's got a little, it's got a little, you would love this. Is this used? Yes, it's clean.

No, no, no. I've got loads at home in case people come over. That is. So that guy, I can tell you now, this guy doing this bum nonsense is not Muslim. No, no, it's not. Because if he was Muslim, he would have one of those. That is, I've often said, and people who listen to this pocket, I jump in the shower after I've been, after I've done number two. I jump straight in the shower.

Every time. Every time. Because I'm, I just, I don't know. not believe in toilet paper, but I just find it to be antiquated. It's prehistoric. It's disgusting. Yes. Again, I've said it before. I say it again. If I got shit on my arm, I wouldn't wipe it off with a bit of paper. I would wash it. Love that. Love that. I mean,

I'm not going to carry around with us, but then again, I don't poo outside my own house. I don't put outside my house or outside a hotel room. I don't do it. I will not do it. Can you just get them on Amazon or something? Yeah. If I get one of them wrapped up on Christmas Day and we fucking raging. Dawn, it's not funny. There's electrical ones and there's tiny ones as well. There's electrical ones.

I'm going to be honest with you, on a bad day, I don't think there's enough water in there to sort me out. I feel like I'd have to waddle to the toilet sink with my pants from my ankles to do that. Do you know what I mean? I love it. And my sink is right next to my toilet, so they're so easy to, like, use. I've got loads at home. Well, I love it. People come over and that.

I love it when you go abroad and there's a little, in the horse. Oh, my God. Love the horse. You can also get that connected to your toilet if you don't have a bedo. You can get those hoses connected, yeah. Oh, we should. I feel like I'd miss fire. I feel like the wall would be pebble dashed.

Oh my God. That's disgusting. I'm so sorry we're going to have to leave it there and I'm so sorry you've got to leave it on the thought of Chris pebble dashing up the wall and you're sorry. But it's really lovely to say you and thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me, my darling.

Good luck with the tour and it's on sale now. Yes, thank you. Bye tickets. Bye the tickets. Just serious. Thanks, love. Thank you. Yay.

Oh, do do do.