Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Laura Smyth

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie Ramsey sit down and have a good chat with comedian Laura Smyth . As well as reading one of your stories, Laura talks about her journey from teaching to stand up, family dynamics and what life is like when you come from a funny family . The trio also speculate on who will be the new Strictly Hosts! To book tickets to see Laura on tour with her show Born Aggy visit Laurasmyth.com  If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 Enjoy all these episodes on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Today, get Huel’s full Lite & Lean Starter Kit online with our code SMA30 for 30% off at https://huel.com/SMA30. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please keep me anonymous. Hello, and this week we are joined by Laura Smith. Fantastic stand-up. Spell like Smith's Toys. Is it Smith or is it Smyth? It's 100% Smith. Fair enough. She has promoted her 2036 UK tour Aggie

and the tour starts in September this year and tickets are available at laura Smith, smelt like Smith's Toys.com. She's also got a podcast with her best mate called Shouldn't laugh but dot dot dot. so there we're going. Funny Bones, funny bones woman,

love chatting to her. Yeah, we had a really good chat. I think, well, I've seen clips of her live. Yeah. I would genuinely,

I would love to say her live. Well, I was, when I got a text saying that she was coming on the podcast, I was in the tour van with Carl Hutchinson and I turned to call

and I said, oh, Laura Smith, because I'd never worked with her. I'd heard of her, I'd never worked with her. I said, and he went, oh, she's brilliant.

Yeah. And he started quoting our routines to us. Nice. Oh, well, that's good. When Carl Hutchinson remembers your routines and he doesn't remember much when he remembers your routines, you're a good

comic, so yeah, I hope you enjoyed the chat, it was great. Yay. If you're on YouTube, please subscribe. And like and like and all of that stuff. Is that a thing? Don't comment unless you've got something really lovely to say. Yeah. We had a fight about the jingle

Jingle, Jingon. We couldn't settle on a Jinggo, Jingle. So this is the Jingle Jingle, we hope you like the Jing. Dingo Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, Babadu, Bah Djingo What's this about the Bruce tour?

Oh, because I was the youngest eighth birthday party this weekend. I was solo parenting, my husband, but not cheating. And just last minute, got the hash straight, getting it all sorted,

cake baked, da-da-da-da, tugged a jumper off a chair in the kitchen, chair went full on my toe. And it just went twice the size. I couldn't bloody walk and had to pull a gig. Oh, no.

You know, sometimes a minute, buys you a Friday night and doors. Well, you're quite glad of it. Yeah, I could barely walk before. Oh, get Chinese. Did you ever do that? So, you used to be a teacher. I did.

Which is fascinating. But I remember when I used to work in a nursery. Yeah. And I remember just wanting to have a little car crash. Oh, yeah, a little car crash. I've said this so many times. Yeah. But just it's one of them, the feeling of just like.

Just a prang. Just a prong. Just a little whiplash. Just a day off. Do you know what? Not even whiplash. Just a little bump. Just so you could actually, you could ring and go, being in an accident.

I need. so shook up. I need the week off. I know. Just a little something. I know. It's so pathetic, isn't it, that we can do that. But like, when I, I'm ill, I'm ill, not ill. I have been ill. I've had cancer right. And I, fine, all fine. But as a protective measure, like, I'd got through it all. And they were like, and because I've got the brackagee, they were like, oh, take your ovaries out. I was so busy with everything. You know, like, I'm having my ovaries out in May. That'll be good. I'll have a lie, Dan. Do you know, like, looking forward to surgery. It's the same mentality, though. Looking forward to a bit of surgery.

Did you work through that all of this? Pretty much if I could. Well, because I'd quit teaching. Didn't go back in the September. Then, I've gone right into it now, but then got to find a lump. And it was like, I couldn't believe the parallel of it. Yeah.

But I did, I sort of thought, oh, I've got to keep going. Just bought a £400 wig and kept going. Nice. And you buy a £400 wig so it don't look like a wig. Then everyone says, I like your hair, so you go, cheers. It's a wig. You can't help yourself, do you know what I mean? It's like a dress with pockets.

You've got to say it, thanks. It's got a bag of a shop. So, yeah. Formed about. So I never felt better. So I just sort of cracked on more because I didn't have a salary. Do you know what I mean? So I was a bit like, but I think there was part of me that was sort of keep going,

can't catch me. But yeah, when you're thinking, oh, I'll have a bit of surgery. Get me over so. Have a bit of rest. Are they performing arts teachers, your friends? I skip back on. No, they're just primary school. And I see just primaries.

That's terrible. They're brilliant at their jobs. Primary school teachers, all of them. But you know what really fucks me off. Go on. Selfishly. Go on. I've got no friends during the week.

They can't even answer fucking text messages. They're not allowed to look at their phone. I'll speak to my mate and she'll be on break time. She'll be like, and then hang up on us. The freedom of just having a cheeky little break away and they can't have a couple of days off that. I think I could have carried on teaching for a bit longer

if it wasn't for those six weeks, seven week chunks that you have to get through. Yeah. It's more that lack of autonomy of just that where you just... Yeah, somebody has to die for you to actually have. morning off. Well, or a little prang.

Or a little prang. Just a little, a little bit, oh, just catch the bottom. Catch the back. But that was it. And because we gig all weekend,

the other, it was, because I used to be an English teacher and I said to it it was my ex-headed department, my friend Helen, and I was going, oh, let's book tickets.

Toby Jones is in a fellow, let's put tickets. And I was giving her, throwing out dates. You just going, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. What are you talking about? A school night.

Yeah, yeah. And then I was trying to find a Friday where I was. are working. Do you know what I mean? I was like, oh. And then you've got a difference now where you've probably lost all of your weekends. That's it. That's it.

I still sometimes feel that like so far I do, on me too as I do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, some Sundays but not many. But the Wednesdays especially, sometimes, not all of them, but sometimes you feel a very, very distinct kind of, well, we're here, but we're not fucking happy about it.

Why have you come to Cambridge on a Wednesday? Sheffield gets a Friday. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's a real thing of like, we're here, Ramsey but this is a school like you fucking wrap this up we're not drinking and we're going to go sunday sunday i think i never never do sundays it's not only too i think i've never did cardiff on a sunday and it just had the energy of they've had a sunday roast yeah yeah yeah yeah they're like oh why did we put those tickets six months ago yeah yeah you know you felt you really

felt it but um yeah it's funny but even when i was teaching especially because you know when you're coming up on a circuit as well you're a little bit like oh i've got a tuesday i've got a wednesday you You know, you're trying to build to the weekend. I almost didn't mind running about in the week. It just felt like an extended day really because you'd be opening at, you know, at Vauxhall. And you're like, oh, I'm on up the creek or whatever. But people try to get Fridays and Saturdays.

Oh, Saturday was like, oh, God, I've got to go out on a Saturday. Like, that was sort of the goal. But when I was still teaching, I'm like, oh, God, I'm working on the weekend. Wow, so you do and stand up at the same time as teaching. Yeah. So it was mad. I started 2019 and then had a brilliant, year because I won the funny women, got signed

and United, like, all within no time, eight months or something. So it's all exciting. Then, of course, there was a global pandemic. It's like, oh, God, it really felt personal. Yeah, I talked that very personally. But I didn't realize everyone did. Well, I think of this. I'd just finished strictly.

Oh. I just sold out the tour because of Strictly. So I think I had a joke in my routine. I had a routine, sorry, me sure, where I was like, I finished strictly, wrote the new tour the first night of the new tour we got locked down

who were unable to do standard for a year and a half so for 18 months I was a retired professional dancer Oh no horrible that It was horrible And it's funny

Because my agent was really good At saying to me Like it just felt like I'd finally wait All this time to do this big shiny thing But that's it Yeah How long do you wait to get strictly

And then for that little launch pack The little huge launch pad At that time I didn't do the strict This was the worst bit I didn't do the Strictly tour. Because I was right in my tour. And then I couldn't do my tour anyway.

So I could have done the Strictly Tour. They went, Irina's having a laugh every night, getting pissed. They were having a great time. Listen, we're going to find out who's hosting it soon. Oh, we're not having a ring gang. Oh, you two, be great. They didn't ask us.

They didn't ask us. Do we're not trustworthy? I don't think of all. Like, we've done, you've done strictly. I did the Christmas special. Oh, nice. Dipped my toe in a little bit, you see. It was enough.

It was enough for me. I've seen him do it. I know how hard it is. Like it's really intense. I was, people get, they get sort of in it. Even like act as dance, like as comedians, they get in. And then, you know, they'll get like, I can't believe I got eight for that. And you're like, eights?

You're fucking not a dancer? Like, how'd they? So, yeah, but that was never me. I was always fine. The toughest thing, Pee, you're so likable. I think the toughest thing is when people are good and getting voted out. You know, that I think that would feel like when you don't feel like the public's with you. Oh, I mean, a couple of people, a couple of people.

people got voted out before me and couldn't hide how pissed off they were at me because I was like, I'm just getting through on personality alone like, I'm fucking shit. No, the North East votes, this is the thing. Any talent competition were voters.

Like, if you're from the North East, when Joe McHaldry, when Joe McKelry, I don't think I've ever said this on the podcast, when Joe McKelry was in X Factor, I bought a sausage roll in my local Greggs and she handed me the sausage roll, handed me a change and said, vote Joe.

Oh, that's it. Get him behind it. We went mad Joe. We couldn't believe us it was crazy. People were getting tattoos. It was insane. Honestly.

No, didn't somebody call? Somebody changed their name to vote Joe and I'm not even taking the piss. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And I know him. I'll actually ask him. Right.

I'm going to ring him. His name's vote Joe. I mean Joe, you'll actually know I do. Somebody changed the name. You know what you knew the person. I was like, well, my name is vote Joe. Oh God. I don't know the person who changed their name of vote Joe.

No, Joe. ask him. He's got some good X-Factor stories. Oh, nice. Juicy. Yeah. Really nice that sort of stories. How long as its X-Factor's not been on?

Oh, God. Do you know what? That's going to be one of them horrible things where you go five year? It's probably about 15 years. Well, because we've had Britain's got talent for a long time, isn't we? Not being on for a long, long time. So do you all still love the Cheryl, Cheryl Carl? You all team Cheryl still.

She's your... Well, no. She's not being... She's from Newcastle. Oh, sorry. Sorry. That was such a London thing. It was a sudden minute.

Yeah, good ass. By the way, she hasn't been around for a while. Oh, I was Cheryl. She came and watched me one episode of strictly. Did she come watch you or did she know somebody else in the cast? Just me. Just me. Full eye contact with me for full dance. As soon as I was finished, she stood up and left.

Oh, I bet you'd die down and that'd be like, I think, Rosie, you are stacking a dishwasher because Cheryl's on my case. Well, there you go. I don't think she was it. I think she might have been promoting something. I do believe she was only there for me I believe security had to stop physically grabbing me because she couldn't control herself

because when she saw how bad my dancing was she was sodden yes that's what it was it was the spray tan I'd only do it for the spray tan I'd like to do strictly just for the spray tan go on get me get it would you do it of course you would you have to wouldn't

I'm not a position of going no I wouldn't I'm definitely at the kind of yes please bang bang bang bang it on the window I'm sorry to make, I'll bring. I'm sorry, please. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. But you're on two at the minute. Well, my tour's on sale. It starts in September. So, yeah, very exciting. We're going everywhere. I'm going everywhere, going Ireland, Belfast, and then the rest is UK.

I'm doing the Apollo. You're just on the Apollo? Nice. I was it. Oh, fuck. I just did it on Saturday. Yeah, yeah. It's a dream.

It is, that's a second time I've done it. Oh, God, I mentioned COVID again. I'm so sorry. But the first time I did it, it was straight after COVID. Like, it was the first gig back after COVID was Apollo. So I really took it in on Saturday night and it was sensational. It's like, it's so intimate. Have you, you know you've done live with the Apollo?

Yes, I've done it once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you think that's going to be overwhelming, but it's so well designed. Yeah. It feels like, it's just well proportioned. There's a reason they do it at the Apollo. Yes. It's one of the best stand-up rooms in, in the club.

I have 100% agree. And what's so, it's a bit like a giant comedy store. I was saying this to me, mate, yesterday. 100%. Comedy store is one of the hardest gigs to get in with, and it's the easiest gig in London. Oh, it's the hardest to get in. Okay.

Did you, you've obviously played. I'll do the weekends, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I never got to do the weekends because you go and I don't have told you this was. I don't know. So you go down to do the store, right? And you do your open spot and I'm driving down for fucking Manchester and I'm doing the late show on a Friday, so I'm there at half 11 at night. And the owner's got to see you.

Don's got to see you. It's old school, in it? It's like gangster stuff. You do your open spot and you get walked to the back where he's having a glass of red. Yeah. And you've got to sit down. And you'll tell you whether he's going to boot you or not.

Shit. Every single fucking time I did my open spot, he was in France at his house in France. And I remember going, could you not have told us before I left Manchester? Yeah. You don't even France, please. You don't live there.

But you do it. And I went and I did them and then, yeah, I never got the walk. He never saw me. He never ever saw me. To be honest, it was the Simons that dealt with me. So I did the King Gong, did my five, did my ten.

And I was remember like doing my five and Justin Moorehouse was hosting. Yes, love Justin. I love him so much. And I know I just did all right. I was so excited to be in the green room. I do have a phrase for it when you go, you know when you leave it all in the green room?

Yes. Because you're just so excited to be talking to Charlie Baker and Justin Moorehouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't remember who it was, but I was with the big boys. Yes. And Justin was watching a United game on his phone. And I walked out and he could see him off his face.

you know, that was all right. And it was just all right, but it was just all right. And I knew it was just right. But my 10 I killed. Baker was hosted and then I killed my 10 and then, yeah, I love. And some people, it still has the magic for me. I love the weekends. I love a weekend at the store.

What made you do it? What made you, like what? Yeah. I always wanted to do it. Right. I'm from a funny family. You know, sometimes when you're on the circuit with people, talk about people that aren't very good at it,

you go, are you from a funny family? What a fucking diss that is. What a deal. Sorry, are you even from? What heck of that would be? Imagine that. Sorry, are you even from a funny family? Sorry, is your mom and daddy good at telling stories?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Are you allowed to talk unless there's a punchline at dinner? But all must have been so everyone's funny. So it was just, it's only when you get older, you realise not everyone's like that. Like, you know, do you know, TV shows? Some people are sore fucking dull. Dull. To the point, no, it's only, it's been.

a grown-up that I'm around with their grown-ups who aren't my friends or whatever and I'm like, Jesus Christ, some people are like, I'm used to just my friends and my family are all really funny and I'm used to just going and I'm like, oh I'm going to say these tonight I'll have such a laugh and you know you will but some people don't have a laugh.

I know. No, I genuinely think some people don't have laughter in their lives. And we're starting to go fund me for those people. They need to go offence me. But you go like you're on a school run or you're at a party and you get caught with someone and they're just talking about the kitchen extension and you think, I couldn't give a flying fuck.

And it's not funny. There's nothing funny about it. Yeah, tell me, this story has to end with your shit in yourself. You're losing me out. You're fucking losing me. But I also, I really like sort of like tragedy as well. Oh, yeah. Like the fact that you literally came in and talked about your cancer

within the first five minutes, I was like, this, I love her. I love her. But that's what I need in my life. Yeah, you do need that. You do need that. People that just tell, You know, when they just cut through it and you're just like, yeah. And that was it, nothing.

I always say it's like an East London thing, but then I don't think it is. I think it's a Geordy thing. It's a social thing. It's working class. There you go. People where there's no bottom line. I think if a tape recorder was left in a green room,

everyone would get cancelled because there's no bottom line. You want to say the worst, funniest, darkest fucking shit. Oh, comedians are, yeah. The real comedy that you could never. show on podcaster and telly is comedians in green rooms. Horrible. Because we just want to top each other off and get it. And then it just gets so awful and silly.

But yeah, so back to me. Back to me. I always wanted to do it. And I only admit to my husband that that's what I wanted to do when I was teaching. And he started telling people, oh, Laura's a teacher and a comedian. So he just said it. And then he bought me a day's right course as a wedding gift with Logan Murray. And it was the best day in my life.

It was other comedians. And it was just this really great thing. I was supportive. I love that. Oh, I love him. Oh, that is so... What a dude. What a dude.

Oh, mate. We back each other one hand. Alistair James Smith. Oh, Alistair, he's a good egg. He's like the sort of... I keep saying our marriage. I'm the batter. He's the fielder.

Do you know what I mean? I'm like, I'm like, ah, like that. I'm like, so I think I've given him us together. I've given a little bit of like, fucking go on son. You know what I mean? And like, he gigs and he's like being pushed forward.

But I think he's giving me that sort of safe fan. He's just a safe pair of hands. You know that kind of good vibes. Yeah. So then when I was going back to work after my third child, so Alfred who's nearly eight on April Fool's Day, he was, yeah, one year's old to scam back to seven years and I signed up to a full writing course because I thought if I go back to work,

you know, it's like when you've got a full-time job, you can't. You would never do it. You can't think, you know, you kind of get, kind of an answer to text. You have to close a door to be able to open another one. A team with a safety net as well. Yeah, you have to stop the thing. to be able to do the next thing. So that was it.

So I think I'd heard that Ricky Javeh started at 37. So I was 37. So I thought that's the oldest. You know when you see these people that are like, they have the 15 tennis world champion. You're like, oh, God, I should have started something when I was four. But I think 37 sounded like the oldest age I'd heard someone starting something. And I thought that was my sort of going to go for it.

So, yeah, 37. And then I got to the end of that calls. They filmed our showcase. and I entered that tape to the funny women five months later, I won it. Amazing. So that was that. And then it's all good.

And then even when like, so 2021, I went back to school, but it was that same thing. We were having like a conversation about, I think we're having some training about how to use active inspire software to teach and any kids isolate. And everyone was asking really earnest questions. And you know when you have to just admit, whatever happens in comedy, I'm done with this.

I can't. I'm just not here. I'm not here. And it's something as well. It's teaching as something you can't dial in really, I suppose. You know what I mean? You've got to be, you can't just be like, oh, me heart's somewhere else.

No, it needs all of you to be a good teacher. You know, your mate's a primary school teacher, what they give to kids. And I think there's not many people carry on when their heart's gone, but the kids, the kids are all of you. Oh, no. They're all like really care about the kids. Sometimes it's all they talk about, though.

That's going to see, yeah, they're too good. That's like, they come around now, hasn't it's just teacher, teacher crack in that. Yeah. And it's like, oh my God. And if you're not in it I still love it Like everyone Because I live

I used to work in At the Catholic school Just up the road from me So everyone still drinks at the locals And sometimes I'll be back from a gigger You're still there on a Friday And I still love all the gossip though I just love it

I do love it But there is just a running joke though Where one of them will be like We've lost Rosie So and I'm like Can we just talk about something Other than school I'm only joking

But it's all of my friends All of them are teachers it's mad, it's mad. Were you a comp? Yeah, secondary school, so up to A level. Nice. Yeah. Did any kids ever come and see any of gigs?

They have, yeah. A couple have and it's quite cute. Yeah, they have. My naughty one. She's in her 20s now, but she was just one that she was just naughty. But she's so lovely. I really look out for her. She's so sweet.

And my favourite thing I ever said to her because we should always get relocated. And she reminded me when she came to my gig. I've told this story before, but it's big me up, in it. But she said, she said, miss, she gave me the best advice because she'd always get relocated to me and my mate Keith, who was also ahead of year because we were ahead of me. So they'd sit in the office.

And I just said, Tyne, you're never going to be a good kid. I said, you're just going to be a great adult. So just don't worry about all this. And she said that kept her going because she was just a dyslexic eight ladies. She didn't care. Graffiti everywhere. But school ain't for. Some kids are not made for school.

No, my boy's not. Is he not? No. Some kids just do not, doesn't work for them. It doesn't mean that they're not going to be successful in whatever they do. Well, this is it. And I think that I left school, I was bright and, but I kind of just left school feeling, I don't know, like I didn't want to. Oh, I just, I said to my boy Alfred, I said, why, um, what happens at school?

And why don't like focusing and he's bright as a button and you're going, because I'm doing my thing. And then they want me to just do their thing. thumbs me up with it. Now there's an Ed Syke involved. He's going to go far. He's going to go far. That's what I was. That's what my Robin would see.

That's what my role. I'm just doing my thing and they want us to do this other thing and I'm just like, well, I don't want to do it. And he's got a mop of hair. And I said, come on now, I forgot get your haircut.

He went, no, because I'm just hard behind it. Oh, bless him. But now he started karate and he's just like, he can follow Sensei for an hour and we can't believe it because he can't. It's because he wants what he wants to do. He loves it. I love school, you see.

You hate it, didn't you? I hate it. It's like just long. Long. The days, just long, the less. I'm just, I just, just, I'm so bored. Just sitting there, so bored. I couldn't focus.

Oh, God, it was awesome. What made you want to be a teacher then if you couldn't focus at school? Because I love books. I loved books. And I see that in my kids, like, they, I loved reading. And it was just just such an escape. So that was almost my safe place. And I, when I, then I left school, I did go to you.

I did go to you. I keep staring off like I'm thinking. I did go to you. I thought you're looking on the camera. Oh, yeah. I hated school, guys. I hated it. Strap in.

I hated school. Went to uni. I didn't write my age levels. I hated that. Then I had a library. So my oldest when I was 20 just left, met some div and had a baby. And then I was sort of just in like temporary accommodation. I was just with all the mums and all the girls that had had babies after school.

I can Stratford, East London. It was like, you know, in the mind of a baby unit. You know, like, you know what I'm so funny. And I'm so funny I bumped into one of my My A-Liver English teacher Miss Moore My best English teacher

And I bumped into the leisure centre And she went oh what are you up to I said oh I just had a baby and all this And she went no like What you're up to? I said oh no no What are you up to? I was like I don't know I'm not doing anything

I'm single mum I'm like da da da You should be doing an English degree Why didn't you do an English degree And I was like oh no You know And then my housing officer at the time Help me sort of work out how I could

do the English degree and still not affect me benefits and all that too much. So I did it part-time. Because I was on the housing list. So we were just moving about loads of times me and my little. And I loved it. And then I loved it so much. And I felt really confident. It was the first education experience where I was like,

oh my God, I love this. I can really dig deep here. It was because it's something that you wanted to do. And I think sometimes when you're older, you know, you're a bit like, oh, I could concentrate on this now because I actually want to do it. It took me to my sort of mid-20s. So, yeah, my little one was about three, four.

Oh, so good. It was great. And then I did a placement in a school for a couple of weeks. And I just was like, oh, I love this. I just loved being in the classroom. And I think I just loved the naughty kids. I just got them a little bit more. And I think that's what gave me the basis for stand-up as well,

because I don't think I ever had the ego as a teacher to sort of be like, I'm the teacher, you must listen to me. I was like, well, I wouldn't want to listen to you. I would make it interesting, you know. Kids need teachers like that, though, as well. You know, like you think like Michelle Five for Dan. just minds. Hey kids.

Is that what it was? Yeah, I'm not one of regular teacher. No, I weren't like that. But I kind of... Hey, I'm not your teacher. I'm your friend. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Does it on the desk, you're a leg off? Yeah, this is... Yeah, I mean, some people say Jane Austen ain't bare Nang, but she is, yeah? No, I went like that. I kind of... I always say my stand-up style is a little bit.

Roll up, roll up, roll up. Like, I want to make you love it. And I think that I've got that from teaching. You're like, you're going to love it. So, that was the vibe. I think that's class. I love it. I love roll up, roll up.

That's a great stand-up style. Do you know what I mean, though? I would classify mine probably as roll-up, roll-up as well. Yeah, I would see. Grab them out and grab them out the scruff of the neck and take them on that journey. I'm not coming out and scratching my head looking on the floor and telling me thoughts.

I'm throwing it in your fucking face. Yeah. Because Carl, Carl's not super roll-up, roll-up. He's really like, he's a lovely centre of gravity. He tells these lovely stories and he's got everyone hanging on his every word. And I love it when I see stand-ups like that. I used to love it when I could see teachers like that.

They go, okay, girls, my friend Claudia, what we're going to do? We're going to turn to page five. And then these girls, like, you know, probably like East London naughty girls would be hanging on her every word. Really? How'd you do that? And I see stand-ups like, I think, barely doing anything. Yeah, you're bringing them in. Bring them in, I'm not.

Roll-up, roll-up. Yeah, the sound guy's turning my mic down because I'm shouting. I don't need the mic. I'm shouting. And I turn other things. And you get worse if you think they're having a bad, if you think you're having a bad gig, you'll just shout at them all. I just shot more. I was honest.

The shouts not wearing because the shalt was not allowed at all. Let's do some more shouting. It's just the volume. You're not laughing. You mustn't be able to hit me.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo baboo baboo baboo baboo baboo ba. So listen, three kids. Yes. What's that like? It's fun. Well, because I've got the gap. It's funny because I had the big gap. So how long?

Yeah, so how long was it? 13. So, yeah, Rosie was about 12 when Bonn was. Nose. You're Rosie? No, Rosie. I always feel warm with a Rosie because I always think your parents must have looked to you and went. Little Rosie. A little Rose, yeah.

So, yeah, I've got Rose. My oldest is Rose, Rosie. Oh, cute. So, yeah, I met my alley when she was 10. So that was nice. I've sort of been on my own with her then. Nice. That was really nice.

And then, yeah, sort of didn't mess about. Bonnie came along. Oh, I love it. Yeah. And then I got an Alfred. So yeah, Bonnie was nearly three when Alfred was born. But I thought, because of the big gap, I didn't think I'd have middle child syndrome, but Bonnie...

Oh, really? Even with a gap? Something, I feel like Rosie became double big sister. Her place was almost more... Kind of reinforced by having two little ends. And yeah, Bonnie... I'm a middle child. Yeah. Yeah.

Go on. I know. I never fully believed it until that Instagram told us. And I'm like, that's me. So are you always hard done by, but literally the centre of attention? Yeah. I don't know. Kind of.

Like if Bonnie's on a play date, the middle one, the middle one, dinner times are very chill. Really? Oh, she dominates everything. She's Queen B Bonnie, but she don't think she is. She thinks she's... Is that name? I don't know.

Well, I don't know because you're not, you know what? I actually feel like my mum... Oh my God. because my sister listens to this. My mum always said that. It was just dead chill. Oh, that's nice, yeah. I think maybe I'm the sort of middle child.

I just got ignored a little bit. So you kind of ploughed your own sort of thing. Yeah, I just like kind of survive on my own. Yeah, that's that way. But I feel like now I kind of look after everyone as well though. I like check in on everyone. So I don't know. You're the lynch pin.

Yeah, I think so. I think so. What do your sisters do? My sister. So I've got a brother and a sister. So I've got a younger brother. who's a plasterer. Ah, no.

And he is. Good, got a plaster on a plant. It's so good. Good, good, good, good, plus. It's never out of work, is he? Oh, my God. And he does other stuff as well. Like, he's really good.

He's learning, like, he's learning stuff. And he's just now plastering because he does, he does a build, as well as a musician is a builder. Nice. And he couldn't get a plaster for loving or money. We're let down by so many. Right. Anyway, he's learning it now.

And once you've got that. I know. He's so good at it. So good at it. Print money. That's it. Yeah. And then, um,

But he's the baby. Yeah. He is the baby. He's such a mum, isn't he? He's so babyed. It's ridiculous. You can't say a bad word against him to me, mum. I know, my boy.

I'll do things like that. Well, I'll go, who's left that here? Why is that? I'll spill it. It's Alfred. I go, oh, mum is it. I just love. I just think he's easy work.

I know. It's just easy work. I think because my girls, I feel like my girls, I'm always going up against myself when I go up against my girls. They're just little me. Yeah.

And I think, where'd you get all that from? It's all me. but with my boy I just find him I just don't know my boys have got me right around their little fingers you're not got a girl you got two boys the eldest is me and he is me

so me and him sometimes lock horns because he is me that's funny isn't it the wiggles on everything yeah yeah he's 100% me and the littleans just the littleons a lot more like you so the littleing gets up weird with a lot more with me yeah it is weird isn't it

what's your sister do I always love to see me down their meat She's just had a promotion at work, but I couldn't tell you what it is. Oh, yeah. When they've got real jobs. Oh, yeah, she works in a law firm. Oh, that's my favourite meme. You know, talking to your oldest friend, how's work?

What is it? Yeah, exactly. What the fuck is it? But now she's like, she's teaching the tech people how to do this, to do a presentations. She's an adult. Oh, God, fully blown. But she's always, she's worked there for like 16 years. But it's a really serious place.

And she deals with, like, serious stuff. And I'm always like, What are you being doing today? One of my good mates is like really high up in your NHS like overseeing like massive departments in massive hospitals like anyway like And that's why you book all the excursions on holidays Ammarie?

That's what we're dealing with Whereas like me and my mate Swick are always like Yeah, what I'm way? Mourney beers, that's all right. We were just talking about that Dizzy was seeing that she's the one who just turns out I book everything. Yeah.

Yeah, she get that vibe. Do you get that vibe? Well, because now I know you got to. little bother as well. So you're just like, you're filled in. I just, yeah, sort of in all.

My sister's just too busy with a serious job and my brother's just a baby. But also you are a control freak and you like doing these things. Early on a day before you came in here, early on a day before you came in here, I asked that what we're doing for food tonight.

I said, because we've got a night in London tonight. We always go for some food and drinks. I said, what should do then what should do? I said yesterday she was going to book somewhere. I went, if you booked that place? Ah, no, what, aren't you booted? I went right.

Then she went, oh, you know, just book something. a nice surprise. That'll be nice for once, Chris. I went, no problem, I'll start booking something. She went, what you're doing? I went, I'm booting something. He went, oh, well, what? It's not too, it's not too formal, is it? What is it? It's not too heavy going. I went, I'm fucking dealing with here. I know. Did you watch the bear? You know that bit?

Do you watch the bear? We watched the first series, I think. The cooking? Yeah, the cooking one. It was too intense. It was a lot intense. But there's this thing with Jamie Lee Curtis and the mom. We didn't get that for. No, no. But she sort of does this breakdown, which is like, you know, who makes things special for me?

You know, when you're taking care of business, if my husband said, like, you know, sorted the kids are at your mums, grab your passport, I've booked for this. I think I've killed him. I think I want that. I do not want that. I know. I know. I hate it.

I hate it because you know, you're totally right. You are the worst species on earth. And I'm going on record and saying that. No, I often think, you know, when you watch... When you watch videos. They don't want what I want, that's it? When you watch things and they're like, surprised you. Just pack a bag and I'd be like, well...

No. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Where am I going? What do I need? Creams, etc. etc. It would get there and you'd go, well, why didn't you tell us to this? I haven't brought this. I haven't brought us to this.

I didn't bring flat shoes and you didn't tell us to know. I should have brought a strapless bra. I don't fucking know, man. Yeah, strapless bras. That's genuinely, I couldn't wear a top to day because I didn't have the right bra. I know it is funny. I was like, I can't ask you.

Just maybe you could think of something once upon a time. No, I'm not staying there. No, same. I would get there and I'd go to shit hole, Chris. Why have you booked this?

I hate it. I hate it. What have you done? I like to read the reviews and everything in places me. Oh, yeah, you want to do a deep. I'm one of them, yeah. Yeah,

and you sort of download the PDF of the menu, but only because you can't re-counting, but no, lies. I just need to know there's a term. I want to see a floor plan of the room. Yeah. Like literally,

especially if I'm abroad, I want to see that fucking floor plan. I want to know. I do just, it doesn't even matter where they sit us. I'm like, you've got another table. Why? You're one of them. Why?

I know. I'm not one of them people that can be relaxed if something is bad. If I sit somewhere and something is off, I'm like, I can't. I'm not going to enjoy this experience. I know. It's really weird. My favorite, there's a lot of, I always quote Simpsons. The best Simpsons joke ever is when Homer's on a plane and he goes,

I want what everyone wants. Preferential treatment. Oh, that's such a good joke. You know what I mean? If I feel like someone's having it off a bit better than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, with a table erupts of laughter. I would like, tell me a joke.

We, uh, I haven't told you this, me and Carl and I went for a curry in Nottingham the other night. Oh, nice. And we had to move tables. I didn't know about this. Call got there early and he got the table because I was doing, I was trying to come up at the stage door, there's people there for photos,

which is fine, so I was taking the photos, so it was a bit late. And obviously we finished late and we won a curry. So we get there and Carl goes, oh, we had to move tables. He goes,

we were on that table. But apparently there was a table of bloke's there. And one bloke was like leaning out, facing the other tables, loudly calling all of his mates gay because they were going home after the curry. Okay. And Carl said to the,

he went in the way and said, can we move to that table? And she went, yeah, something wrong. He went, nothing wrong. Just don't have been. don't bless this guy and she went over

sure the calls right there did he see anything he went not to me but he's been pretty horrible of all of his friends

and I just didn't want to be there while he was doing it I just never thought my coming out story were because I was done with the Papa Dom's

and I was a bit tired how did you guess the rimming we were fine with my point is that's a really good a good reason to move tables

because the bloke is calling all of his mates for going home early pathetic He's like, I've just dealt with hecklers. I've just done it. Right. Oh, this is nice.

Ready? I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's go. Let's go. Story time. We've roll him all. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

I just started dating a guy at uni. One night, we went to the student bar with friends, and I got very drunk. Nice. So drunk, he had to walk me back to halls. I hadn't brought a coat, classic. So he gave me his puffer. The one his ex had bought him. Oh, all right.

I passed out fully dressed in his bed, shoes, coat, everything while he went back out. What? I think it's quite a green flag. She was so pissed he left her to her. To be fair, yeah. He's not looking after. She could vomit, chock on her vomit or swallow the puffer jacket or anything.

Well, strap in. About 30 minutes later, I woke up feeling awful, hot, nauseous, chaos. Sorry, yeah, can I just pause for a woman? Can you imagine falling asleep, really, really drunk and waking up, and you've got a fucking puffer jacket on. In a bed with a fucking Canada goose on. I threw the coat off, turned the lamp on and staggered to the bathroom

for a full hugging the toilet session. Oh no. On the way back, I thought I smelled burning, ignored it. Big mistake. I opened his door and, oh my God, the puffer coat had landed on the lamp and was on fire.

Panny. I tried smothering it with my trousers didn't work my top also useless so now I'm half naked fighting flames losing with no other option

I sprinted to the kitchen oh this is holes as well this is all over the place with no other option I sprinted to the kitchen in just my knickers grab water ram back threw it on the fire

repeat several frantic nearly naked lapsed later the fire was finally out I suppose it's not an electrical fire is it It's a fire from the heat of the ball, but it's on a jacket. Yeah. Right, okay. I picked up the soggy, half-burnt coat and burst into tears just as he walked in.

So there I was, the girl who just started dating, hysterically sobbing, wearing only knickers, clutching his ex-girlfriends destroyed coat like I'd summoned a demon. We broke up not long after. This is, there I go. Okay. Eight years later, we're back together. And better than ever, he just doesn't lend me his coats anymore. Oh, I love that.

What a lovely story. I love it when they stay together after stuff like that. Oh, wow. I love that. That's just like naked and clutching the burnt coat. So funny. Can you imagine if she'd have burnt the holes down? Like, what the hell?

I mean, that will take care of. You know that kind of groggy? That would sort of your body, that's sobering you up. Yeah, that's all right. Oh, yeah. You're crying after it. But yeah, yeah, you're having a panic attack. But yeah.

And this is why the dawn give you a, on cruise ships. Oh, is that why? I phoned. I was on a cruise ship once doing a gig and I phoned up to ask for an iron and they said, no, we don't give out iron. You don't trust people. Because people are fucking stupid.

Yeah, the cruising you do on a cruise ship. Have you done the cruise ship? Have you done soft launches of two ships? So just out into the channel, back and forwards, far enough, far duty-free, legally, up and down the channel and then home. And you needed an iron in that time?

Listen. Oh, God. I pack things dense. I had to give it at the staff. They had to steam it. It was a fucking nightmare. But yeah, yeah. Now, there was just a soft launch.

And a soft launch on a cruise ship, still heaving, wouldn't do it. Oh, no, I'm not good on boats. I've never done a cruise. Never, ever. I'd like to try it. I'd never say never, but yeah, you wouldn't do gigs on more.

You don't even, why are you fucking, why lying yourself? You would never go on a cruise. Why being nice? Maybe I was, maybe I was fishing to say what the surprise thing was that we were going to book you and maybe you've just ruined it. Yeah, there goes, you know,

Can you imagine if you butcher a little cruise? All I'll see is, all I'll see is, Rosie, get your passport. Packing iron. Where we're going? Packing iron, because they don't give you the mind. You want to go see the Northern Lights and if I'm going to hold you, I'm not going somewhere cold, I want to go hot. Say, I want to see the Northern Lights.

That's my thing. I want to see the Northern Lights. Well, no, I'm not in the other spot with Northern Night. I want to see a starry sky with no pollution. Heaven. A mate of mine said that he once was on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean. There was no light pollution anyway and you could see galaxies, everything. I want to say that on me bare.

Or go maybe like a safari in the middle of Africa, like just desert Sahara. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Are you mental? Are you mental? Really get in the bin. I would really get in the bin. I would rot. There's nothing.

Are you scared? Are you scared animals? That's the thing in a safari. You see a video of a safari and you go, that looks good. You don't, you can't see the smell. You can't see the smell, the sweat or the flies. It must be vile. No chance.

Do you know how old your kids again? 10 and 5. Okay. You know where you need to go. If you're coming down south, have you heard of port limbs safari park. No. Do you know,

do you know Sam Coughlin, she's a makeup artist? No. She's brilliant. She does Apollo actually. She's brilliant. She is the queen

of recommendation. She's super mom. So Port Limbs down in Kent, sort of, Kent sort of Sussex Border like, near, it's just brilliant. And you can stay in like

giraffe lodges, Thai lodges, and there's really nice restaurants. It's part of the Aspinal Trust. It is brilliant. You have to. It's my top recommend. For 10 and 5, your kids all love it.

So it's like all the joids have one. No, it's, mu. Oh, is it? Yeah. Right, okay. Oh, that's good enough. It's a really top recommendation. It's real luxury.

And we stayed on like, we literally stayed in like a wood cabin. We got a really good deal. So not spennie, spennie. You can go spennie. Right. But we didn't. We did like 150 quid or something for the night. You know what I mean?

So not for all of us. And then they said, oh, you've booked one of the restaurants. Should we send, should send one of our buggies to drive you over there? We did. Go past the cap of bearers and all. Nice. And we didn't even pick like the high end, high end. We just thought, oh, we're pub food, but really good food.

So you can do it really nice. 10 and 5 is funny, isn't it? Because they're like keeping them both interested. Honestly, top recommendation for 10 and 5, they'd love it. There's tigers and lands and giraffes and you can do the big Jeep thing. Really good, really good recommendation that is. All right, we'll have a little look into that. Yeah.

This podcast is not sponsored by wherever that was. That's just a total freebie. No, that's not a freebie. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. Oh, I've loved it. It's been a pleasure. Thank you.

Thank you. It's been really lush. Thank you. Yay.