Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Lucy Beaumont

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie are joined by comedian, writer and and Taskmaster alumni, Lucy Beaumont. The trio start with some trapped wind chat, Gum Tree Pets and Lucy's Ghost Cat. They discuss Lucy's upcoming tour, what YouTube is good for and why some influencers really annoy Lucy! All this plus a brilliant story from one of you lovely listeners! Lucy's tour 'Bad at Quiz Shows, Good With Weirdos' starts in September. For tickets go to lucybeaumont.co.uk If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Try Huel Lite Ramen — the new lighter instant noodle launching 2 June. Under 230 calories, 25g protein, ready in 5 minutes. Use code SMA for £10 off at ⁠https://my.huel.com/SMA⁠. New customers only.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Hello you are listening to and watching Please Keep Me Anonymous Part of the Shagmarineineine-Extended Universe This week's episode we are joined by Lucy Beaumont Who is a stand-up comedian, incredibly funny She's on Promoting and a new tour called

Bad at Quiz Show Good With Weirdos And it starts in September You can get your tickets at lucybormont.com.com. I love Lucy Beaumont We had a lovely, lovely chat We normally go into more of this But our lunch has just arrived, so enjoy. Like and subscribe on YouTube by

We had a fight about the jingle Jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle do So this is the Jinggo Jinggo We hope you like the Jingro Jingle

Babbado babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu Bhappi do baffa du ba Jingle! Are you all right? Oh yeah I'm fine yeah I'm fine wind and you ask like she's blimmiemed just had a diagnosis I find wind like crippling though I can tell fucking her

You really started a benefit gig for it? What we used to do, what I used to do before this podcast, I would eat like a punnet of grapes. Because, because I don't know, I would be like, I don't want to eat anything really stodgy and I don't want to eat because I get really bloated. I think I've got IBS, but I haven't been tested.

So I would eat loads of grapes. And do you remember by the end of the day, I'd be in agony. I'd literally be sat here on the last interview thinking I'm going to die and it was win. Because you keep it, it can be really painful. When people say they've got wind, I genuinely, I'm like, are you all right? Yeah, yeah, because you know it can.

No, yeah, it's just a key. It's just a key. It's okay. She was like, you're like, you. She thought she was on one of them podcasts where we were trying to make them cry. Are you all right, though? Is what this is. Are you all right?

A cry in podcast. No, she just said to had wind and you took it very, very seriously. Wind is very serious. Speaking of serious stuff, your cat, you've just started telling me before, your cat brought a rat in. Yeah, cat brought a rat in. Alive or dead? I was the most sick of...

I got this cat off gumtree from Rill. Okay. Right. Sorry, you got a cat off gumtree. Is that a thing? Yeah. Right? Okay.

We haven't got any pets. So I don't know where you'd get a cat. Yeah. Don't get one off gumtree. Okay. Sorry, I thought Gumtree was just for like old wardrobes and that. No. You can get live animals on gum tree.

Anything you want. Right. So it's like a no, it's like a no what's bored in it. It's like, does anyone want this? Selling stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Right. I did buy it. It wasn't free. Right, okay. How much was it? If you don't mind my asking. Not a lot. Right.

Yeah. All right, okay. Not a lot. So, no, it's fine. I don't know how much cats. I know dogs are expensive. Dogs are like a couple of grand. Not on gum tree.

What are you getting though? The bitey ones. Okay. It's like Iceland for pets. Like battery farm, aren't they? I think. It's terrible. I wouldn't ever,

and I don't ever conduct. No, this cat was just a woman had a cat who didn't want it. I wouldn't buy, you know, I don't want to seem like, you know. You're not like saying people should get them on country. Like those illegal, like,

right. Right. Good and all that. Yeah. Good and all that. Yeah. No, this was just a woman didn't. And she had too many kids and she had this cat.

Right. I got it. And it's like really needy. Like really neat. I suddenly like this cat. Yeah, it's like needy. But a psycho killer as well. Like it can get,

it gets rats the same size as it and brings them in. It likes to bring in anything that's the same size as it. So it brought this, well, I didn't, I was on the running machine. And then, you know, the belt was going, zoop, zoop, like that. And so I was like, what? going on, lifted the belt up, a rat's head. Stop. Yeah, so the rat's head was in the belt and then the body.

So I basically, by running, had basically pulled the rat apart. Yeah. Yes. So, sorry. I think this was caught there. Sorry, anyone on the, obviously people are watching this on YouTube. Oh, we started. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. We started ages ago. It's all right. Well, at least I said I don't agree with. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, don't worry that. There's no, there's just a cold start. Oh no, it's nice, yeah. So, so the cat had brought it in. The cat had brought it in and either put it while you were running it, it put it on behind the treadmill or it stored it there. So I think what had happened was she had a rat in the, in the, it's in the spare bedroom and, but the rat had obviously run underneath the treadmill.

Oh my God. Because they bring them in live, don't they? Yeah. Don't they actually? It's quite sweet, I think. Yeah. They bring them to you as like a present, don't they? I know that good.

So the cat thinks you're its kid. So it brings a completely... You're its kid? Yeah, thinks that you're its kid. So it brings a goose rat that isn't completely dead. A rat that's like on its last leg. So you can finish it off. So it's teaching you how to do it.

And you did? You did? But you had to use a treadmill. So technically you cheated. I think it was proud of me, all right? I think I genuinely think that's a really bonded moment. I don't want you, I don't want you to rip its head off and make a scene. You know, right?

You've probably really impressed that cat. Like, fuck, she took, she went all Highlander on it. And then, so that one, so it's, then it brought a mag. So, I was just getting ready in the mirror. And then in the bedroom. And then, like, like, you know, and you can feel something like flat, like something like just flew past my ear. It was really weird.

It was really quiet. Then I looked up and it was a horror film. Then it was a live magpie just freaking out. Oh, no. With like all sorts spraying. And the kind of brought this in as well. Like a live magpie. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

All sorts spraying. What do you mean? Well, and everything that's in a magpie was around the, was a bean around. Was it being around. So I was like, because I was brought up real spiritual. And what it's done, it's really fascinating. It's stopped me being spiritual at all. I now don't believe in anything.

And I used to believe in anything All because I thought there was like a funny energy in the house Because there's like dead animals You know And it felt something felt wrong Because you could like smell Couldn't really get rid of the smell as well You know

There was a smell like dead Yeah totally yeah And so like I looked up if there was a medium You know that does house cleansing Oh yeah Feaging and stuff Yeah like locally Because I thought that might be really like nice

Yeah Because it felt a bit weird. And I found this woman and rang her she was like she cost 85 pounds to come and cleanse your house

so I give her my address and everything and she said oh no I don't actually need to come to your house she was like I can do it from home I was like

oh right and she was like I was like what is this since COVID and she was like yeah she's just like what I found is it doesn't actually

make a difference if I'm in your house or out shopping like I can still do the same thing yeah two seconds hold on two seconds

I've just cleansed a terrace, four doors down from you. 85. Yeah, yeah. Did you pay it? Did you still pay it? No, that's when I was like. That's bullshit, isn't it? Thank you.

Thank you. Because I would have, honestly, you're a very funny, intelligent lady. I had a lost respect for you. Do you know what? Maybe she sent the magpie. The fuck off, Rosie, man. What is like her?

That was the cleansing of it. Because if you said that since the magpie's been, it's got, the feeling's gone. No, like after, after, after. Or it's worse after the mag. Yeah. Oh, okay. But in that, me, so like, if you do a job,

like, put the phone down, I was like, so if you do a job that doesn't exist, you don't have to do it. Yeah. Yeah. That's perfect. Yes, that's perfect. Yeah.

I don't have to come and pretend to do a thing to your house. I'm not even going to insult you by turning up and pretending to do the thing in the house. I'm just going to do it from home. I'm going to remotely cleanse every room in your house. You fucking Charlotton, yeah? I'm sorry, that's upset. That is bad.

That's $85. That's bad. I think she's given people who actually genuinely do, because I believe in all that stuff. Dear. Yeah, I really do. Too much to Chris's.

She used to. Much to Chris's dismay. I really do. I believe in, but my sister's really spiritual. She, like, reads tarot cards and stuff. Does she? Yeah.

Right. We had a neighbour. We had a neighbour who said they had a similar thing done. I've just remembered this. And I remember taught in her, and she said the done it from, the person had done it from home. And I went, right,

and she said, No, she said, when I spoke to them, she said, when I sported them, they said something about a weird energy in the house, like, is your house under, have you got like electrical lines or something? And she went, e my God, yes, we'll have. And I went, did you give her your postcode? She went, yes, I went, she looked on a fucking ordnance survey map then. No, she knew.

No. Absolutely not. Oh, it's not on, what? What are you going to say there? I was going to say, it's not on these notes, but on the other notes that we had, it said that you thought there was a spirit. Was it a dog or something?

An old dog? Yeah, no, cat I had a ghost. Well, I thought I had a ghost. My mum said I had a ghost cat. Right. He's not the person. Because someone was getting knocked off. It's you saying this as well.

Yeah, my mum said I had a ghost cat. It's just really screwed. She did. Whenever I think we cannot do the piss out of people. I don't. So what was it? Well, I thought it was a good. Well, she, someone was getting knocked off

the kitchen top. Uh-huh. I think now looking back, it might have been, you know, when you have the washing machine on. It's vibrant. Yeah, but it might, it might not, I can't say, can I? But it could maybe be that. Might have been that.

But my mum came round and was like, you've got a ghost cat and it's just knocking stuff off. So she made me put a sauce or a milk out for it. And she said if it drinks it, you know, you're having it'll go. Did it drink it? Well, it went. like Philadelphia I left it out

I think we've lost Chris No Is it the washing machine Is the thing on a sland Ghost cat The only It can only be a ghost cat

You just got to speak You've got to talk to them So we had a house once And you got to You're told you a ghost cat Yeah No I thought our house Was a bit haunted

So every time I used to come home I'd go hello Yeah But then you read a thing That says You're not supposed to talk To them No

So my sister said Because I used to go Fuck off I don't want you here, leave us alone. And she was like, don't be nasty. You've got to be like nice. You can't be horrible. Can your sister tell you the same thing about how you're talking to me?

Would that be okay? She actually said I speak too nice, even though actually can be a little bit more, bit more firm. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You are, you're going on tour. Yeah. And I think I didn't know this.

Your tour is called Lucy's tour, bad at quiz shows. Oh no, it's not Now I wish it was Sorry, that's actually wrong It's actually Lucy and Ghost Cat I'm going to change it Can we get this change It's Lucy and Ghost Cat

The Sour Milk Tour Can I call it that Can I change it? Yes, you can That's lovely Lady Oh, screw it Welcome to Lucy's tour

I'm Lucy This is my tour This is Ghost Cat This is serious. It's called, your tour, it's called, bad of quiz shows, good with weirdos. Yeah. I am also terrible at quiz shows. To the point where I don't really do them anymore.

Do you not? But I have said yes to one and it's really, it's coming up really soon. But I'm shit. I'm shit at them. But do you feel like that's why you're asked to do them? I feel like I'm getting asked to do them all. Are you two? The new generation's female Joey Essexers

Yeah, that's how I feel. Get them on because they'll make it like, take the piss out of them. Maybe. I'm just so bad at them. I hate it when I've got to, when I'm playing for money for a person who I can see their face,

like the wheel or whatever. But you're good at, I've seen you on some. He's clever. I'm all right. I'm all right when if, if I can't see the person so if I'm trying to win it for a charity that I've chosen or whatever,

fine, but on the wheel and that where you can see them and you're like taught at them and then you get it wrong and they're like, oh, and then the wheel, they disappear back down the hole

when they've got it wrong. It's so like, you're flushing them down the fucking toilet. I know. It's so, I can't bear it. But you're really good at, have you ever done catchphrase?

No. I've never done it. I can't, I just couldn't, I just wouldn't, we do it at home and you get them all. He gets them all,

and I'm sad, they're going, that's absolutely not. It's absolutely not bad catchphrase. Have you been on it? Yeah, I won't catchphrase, yeah. I think I've talked about this on here.

I nearly didn't win it because I was so good in the first round. The producer came up and he said, I think I've talked about this on here before. I'm going to say it again. The producer came up and he said, look, can you dial it back a bit because no one else is saying anything? And I went right.

Oh my God. I went, but you know friends? You know when Chandler tells Monica to take it easy on your boss when they're playing tennis. And she goes, I'm sorry. I don't understand what you just said. That's basically what I said to him.

I was like, what do you mean? He was like dialed it back because no one else has said anything. So I dialed it back. Someone got one right. and then they immediately got the bonus right and he went above us in the leaderboard and I went to the producer in the next break

I went fucking gloves are off mate I went there I am not stop and I didn't stop didn't stop you know what is I sported Jimmy Carr did it as well and I spoke to him about once and Jimmy Carr went oh yeah

he said the same to me and I was like fuck him no he's like fuck him to pop pop pop pop pop yeah no mercy my charity versus your charity let's fight me and Lucy would have been the ones that didn't get any air time

we're on there trying to promote something and then you know I'm sure business is businesses Business business. Business women. What's good with weirdos? Oh, I just wish I am bothered with that. It's just because it rhymed. Now everyone's asking me.

And it doesn't mean anything at all. My mom interrogated, like literally yesterday, what's this weirder reference? You know, you can tell people have been bitching about you behind your back. And they come with that energy and you're like, it's like, what's this weird? I could just picture them up.

Well, maybe it's you. You must be you then. It does, because it rhymes. Bad with, is it mean? Is it mean? It doesn't mean. But having Chris shows good with weirdos. Yeah, it does rhyme.

Yeah. It does, really a little bit. It's a little bit. It is nice. Yeah. It is nice. But you what I mean? So for future interviews,

maybe as you could just say, I'm good at, I'm good at dealing with people who are weird. Yeah. But you're not, I don't think you're even allowed to say weirdos, are you? Oh, God, is it?

Is it? Yeah. Right. Oh, is it? Well, too. Is it? Yeah. No, weirdos is still all right.

Is it all right? Like, I think weirdos, I think you can say freak. I think freak is still okay. Sorry, sorry, just going to stop this year. Absolutely can't say a freak. And genuinely, genuinely, because you just bawled in and Freak was your next one there, I'm actually going to stop you in your tracks just in case the next one that comes out of your mouth is even worse than free. But you can't say gimp? I know that.

Gimps gone. Why can't you say a gimp? I just don't think you can. What do you call them a mask? No, but as a person. Oh, well, fair enough. But when how's at school, people wore gimp's. I think you should stop. I have started realizing anything we said at school. Yeah, it's not.

In the north-east, in the 90s. There's none of it you can use in their life. I can't tell the kids about any of my school going on at all. No, I know. Because it's so inappropriate. I'm the same. Yeah. Because she watches you, because I thought YouTube was bad for her.

And then, oh, what was it? The other night I put her into bed. And what was it? I said something. Oh, what was it? And I said something about being scattered. Scatty and she went Scatty and she went

Dabududud da da da And then I'm not Scatman And we did it to each other And we both went I'm a scapment And I was like Oh my God

You can watch as much YouTube As you want Right Because of that As it's bringing back stuff Yeah Yeah I believe she knew

But when we were younger though We used to listen to some Rage stuff Like yeah Even just thinking like song song Horny Yeah I'm horny

Yeah Sex on the beach Yeah. But don't you think it was all more playful? Like Euro trash and like it was it was like making anything sexy into like Fun. Like almost yeah like fun. Family fun.

Do you know? But now it's like. I used to watch it on mute. Did she? Yeah. So literally my mom and I would go to bed and we had a telly and my room because my sister's like two years, three years all over me. And it used to be on it like 10 o'clock.

I think 11 o'clock, Euro trash, I can't remember. But we used to watch it on mute, just kind of like. It was grotesque. It was grotes. I loved it, though. It was great. Yeah. It was so good.

Everybody watched it. Yeah. And you stayed up and then told, you needed to know if everyone had stayed up late enough to watch it. Yeah. Find out. But I feel like that gave, like, boys at school, like, I don't, yeah, you didn't feel as as in dangerous, like, like, now, like, with kids now, like the stuff that are watching. Oh, I know.

It's not good, is it? No. There's quite a lot of bile and hatred in it now. How old are your daughter? She's only nine. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah.

So she's like a little kid. Still young, lovely little age nine, isn't it? I'm opening this all out, like TikTok and like the age in which you can go on it. I'm hoping that. I signed the petition. Yes, same. Yeah. So we'll say.

But I said this years ago, I said I'm hoping it'll do such a YouTube, like a U-turn, sorry. That'll be uncool. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know how. sometimes we, like Facebook sort of, like people stopped using it and then whatever, people might get sick of it, genuinely. Are you.

Kids might do the same. They might be like, oh, you're on Snapchat. So, so in the past, blah, blah, blah, we'll see. I think you're right, yeah. No, I think you're right. Glaston be the one as many, like, kid, like, young. I think people was like, it was almost like, they know it's embarrassing to film it. Oh, really?

Yeah. It felt like they were like, no, it's. It's almost a bit outdated to film stuff like it's about being in the moment. Oh, that's good. That's great. It's so depressing. Yeah. That's good.

We went to Disneyland and some girl filmed the fireworks for 26 minutes. In front of me. The whole thing. Held her both arms and above her. Straight armed 26 minutes. 26 minutes. I watched the fireworks on a fucking phone because I couldn't see. That's hilarious.

To the point where we stopped watching the fireworks because I was like, I need to see if she does it. She's the strength on it. 26 minutes. Arms straight in the air. Like a fucking stress position from Guantanamo Bay. Oh my God.

But you're not going to watch it again. No, that's what we said. Don't film very well. And then I went on YouTube because I was like maybe she's putting out on YouTube to make a bit of money. So many clips.

So many clips on there. You just type in. She could have just stayed in and watched it on YouTube. Oh, they think like they're adding. Maybe it's like, be like you're adding some. I don't know.

I hate her. I hate her. Do you like social media? Do you use it a lot? Well, I only use it. for work, I'm more like, I'm in lots of what, I'm more like WhatsApp. Nice. Like, my world is in WhatsApp.

Okay. All right. I think might be actually. Yeah. I think that's better. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's nice. It's nice. It's a nice bit of interaction, isn't it? Like, and it's too weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a nice bit of interaction goes on, isn't there?

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm seeing people less though because we're in touch really often. Yeah. And so it feels like we're in touch. Yeah. Yeah. So, we're actually seeing it.

other in person a bit less. Oh, okay. So, like, but, but I think that's just been busy, isn't it? Yeah. But no, I can't bear. I'm on, like, Instagram for work. And then, like, I get sucked in. Like, I'll post some up and then find myself looking through stuff.

And it's terrible. I can't bear. It's so dangerous. I know. I'm so addicted to it. And do you know what's really weird? All my friends, anyone who I have friends with, we've all bought the same things because it's, it's, it's, it's,

Got to us all. Yeah. Right. Okay. That we don't, that we'll never use. Like what? Creatine.

Are you on creatine? Ah, oh God. This is exciting. I've been telling Rosie to have creatine for ages. Did you see the creatine adverts and just think you should do it

for like mental health for like, it can help with depression, it can help with Alzheimer's in the future and stuff. Did you say all that or did you see more for regulating? Yeah, saw that. But it's aimed at like women my age. Right. But then there's no studies.

It doesn't. It's not medically proven to help with anything. Is it not? It adds water to your muscles. There's no studies to say it helps with any of the stuff that. If you air it on Instagram, it's not usually, right? No, that is true. See, I've heard it's the most researched supplement that there is.

Rory Magna takes 20 grams a day of it. Oh, well. For women's health. Oh, for women's health. Right, okay. There's no studies on women's health. No. That who cares, man.

Anyway, moving on. Wow. Wow. He's joking. I'm totally joking. I'm baiting you. I'm totally joking. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. What a cat bear is, girls, in the 20s, who live near the ocean telling me I should breathe more. And then, like, and they drink, they have a drink. There's like a drink that the drink. Matcher. Morning routine. Matches.

Groom. I didn't know what that. Grim, grum. For me ages to work out, get ready with me. Get ready with me. It took me so long. I was like, yeah. Girl, girl, woman.

Girl, woman. Yeah, why are the old thing? Get ready with me. And the thing that it's what, the drinking. And you know, when you really want to show a picture of you that are like, so many times I've been like, listen, little bitch. Little fucking bitch. Here's a picture of me at the same age.

I lived off Lemberton butler Yeah Finder's crispy pancakes Look is it Yeah And then what was those Ones in the blue bottle

Panda pop No The ice You know the Alka pops Oh Blue VK Blue VK It means that

I was a smear From the inside It was all a drink I looked exactly the same As then It's not It's like genetics, is that right?

Just the young. You're just young. You're young. Don't come preaching to me. I know. I've got a comment, green goddess underneath to be picked. And I'll pay you to find out how you look. How do I possibly look 20?

Two. As so many times I've wanted to comment, you green fucking little bitch. Shut the fuck up in that fucking hotel you've rented out for a week and done a year's worth of Instagram posts. You've nailed it. You've nailed it. You've nailed it. That's fantastic.

It's so true. There was another one. A friend of a friend commented on it. I won't say it who it was. Right. There was someone had posted a picture of them now and a picture of them 15 years ago and a friend of a friend had put, she looks a lot older now.

Was it not it? That happened to Rihanna recently. Somebody put something on. saying like Rihanna's age, just like, yeah, because it was 20 years ago. Yeah. Like, when she first came out, she's aged 20 years. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She should look different. There was another one. Madness. I know I got really high rate. I was like, I follow this, I think it's because I follow this hairdresser from Sheffield. And so I think it was showing me of it. And she's lovely.

And I sometimes comment because she's set up her own business. She's really young. She's done really well for herself. And she's like really good with Instagram stuff. So I always try to comment on it. So it's been showing me other ones of like young girls who were saying, she's from, I sound awful, sound really mean, but from Doncaster. And she's doing a minute's air in the filming it.

And she's saying, I'm going to give you old money blonde. Like, you're living fucking don't know. You're both 22. What are you on about old money blonde? Where are you going to take your old money blonde hair to Nando's? Old money blonde What's old money blonde I think they mean

Well they've heard me somewhere Old money like Like rich old ladies Yeah Yeah Chelsea Like that guy who goes around Have you seen that Instagram

Goes around I think it's Miami Or somewhere like that And they're just They're just dripping with like Chanel These older ladies And he's like What do you wear

And they're like Chanel And then they've got something else And they're like It's just fascinating. Palm Beach. Palm Beach. Brilliant.

But you just think like they haven't had like a normal conversation in 25 years. Like if they met someone like us, they'd just be like, what the fuck I was. Yeah, they wouldn't know what was going on. But that's old money blonde, yeah. Yeah, that's what it is.

Yeah. That's not what the, that's so funny. But I know, I know. But then they say it all online, don't they? That's what they want to live. They want to live. And in a weird. In a, I didn't know.

It's the vanity though in it. Yeah. It's like, it's become like all right to be that thing. A narcissist. Like I get it like if you like, I don't know. There's certain people I think, yeah, it's, you know, that's your job. There's some people it's like, why are you posing like that? I know.

I think we're on a very similar menu. We think the same on this. I find it in same. but I don't know if it's just a trend at the minute where it like possibly when we were younger there was trends like I remember skinny jeans with thongs hanging out I used to have my thong hanging above my jeans like gross no that's all right

it was a moment I looked at I thought she's going to be fine with this she is Lucy is going to be absolutely fine with this the thonged like just above the jeans so yeah so the problem is that was your trend though so you that was on your time with it I just, I think like, just to put, like, obviously, I'm a man. And when I want to put, if I'm going to put a photo on Instagram, I feel like it has to be interesting or funny, I don't just go, oh, I look nice in this suit.

Or I look nice in this tops on putting myself on. It would be, I'd be fucking mortified. But it seems to be a thing where people do it more and more. I see so many people and it's just, oh, great weekend or whatever. And it's just a photo of them in front of a fucking door and all the different stuff they were wearing. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? Like, I don't understand.

Like, fine, like, fine, hey, you look great. Like, maybe, I don't know, maybe your fashion's your thing. I don't know what you're trying to do, but I'm just like, I, I find it hard to post anything on the internet anyway. I don't post many things. I talk about me too or I post stuff for this podcast. I'll post something funny if it's hilarious, if it's weird. But I can't be like, just me looking good.

Hey, have a good Monday, everyone. No, no. One, I don't think I ever fucking look good. And two, stick your Monday up your ass. I've got a draft, I've got a video drafted, actually, of you farting in the liver room, remember that one? Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not what I can put on. Yeah, that's funny. We've got a question that you're going to read out, please. Yeah. Thank you so much. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Will you keep them anonymous? Yeah.

We will. We always do. Don't worry. Here is a story for my time working as a junior doctor in A&8. Oh, yes. Always good. We love, we love like doctor stories. God.

One Saturday, around 5 a.m., a woman in a 40s came in with her partner with a foreign body stuck in her vagina. Here it is. Come on. Come on. You've got to get on board with this pretty quick. You've got to guess what it is. I have to.

No, no. No, no. Sorry. The foreign body in question turned out to be a barrow pen. Why has it got stuck? Sideways? That for whatever reason, her partner had put inside her while they were having sex. And in his words, it just got sucked up.

And they were since unable to look at it. each to their own I thought I assumed a barrow pen would be quite easy to get out but when I had a look with a spectrum it was nowhere to be seen why is there a pen up there what the hell is another one oh sorry look at that

this everyone listening on audio Lucy just thought that that was the end of it and very much like when I'm left with more questions than answers your face summed it all up there that was amazing I thought she was going to be here and you have to see and you have to find it No, you have to find it.

You're the guest. Guest has to find the foreign body. That's what this is. Gloves are ready. I then double checked with them that it hadn't been put in her bum by mistake. Oh, fuck see. Or if it had fallen out.

So I then went and got a more senior colleague to help me and she got an ultrasound scanner to look for this pen. Don't. Can you guess where it was found? I've got a horrible feeling he's put it in the front hole. Not in a urethra. Did you put it in the urethra?

He's putting on a pistol. Where's he put it? No, he's not. What? Where is it? So it's not up at Bobham and it's not, this is it, this is the best game show. Is it, is it, what? I don't know where, I don't know where this pen is. You should pitch this as a game show. Sure, it was.

The barrow pen turned out to be in her bladder. Oh. Yes. He had somehow managed to get the pen through her a urefa. Oh my. And it was now stuck in her bladder. She then ended up having to have it surgically removed later that day. That's 30 grand.

Straight away. NHS, isn't it? Waste of money? Yeah? Get a viral out your piss hole? Easy. Anyone listening? I've got a guy who'll do it for 10 grand.

Get in touch. That's a friend. That's a vendis. Amazing. I don't understand. That one, I guessed it. I guessed it up the piss hole. I said front hole.

I said the front hole. Well, it's not called the front hole. Of course it is. I'm sorry, are you a doctor? I've just got a fanny. Can we just stop putting things up each other? Can we all just, I don't know who needs to hear this. Two things from this podcast.

Floss and stop putting things up each other. Thank you for coming to me TED Talk. Have you got anything that? I've only ever put garlic. Which hole? My bum. Oh. Did Ghost Cat tell you to do?

do this? No. What? Bull, clove? What? Free clothes. Why? Oh, it was awful.

It was so sad. I was, well, it was the mum's at swimming, you know, swimming class. They were talking about worms. Oh, not threadworms? Threadworms, yeah. And I got them. I got them. Uh-huh.

And have you ever had them? Well, not as an adult. I had them as an adult. I got them from a meet-and-grit. I'll tell you later I've told too many people I'll tell you we're off here Oh right

Everyone listening knows the story But you might have got them from your daughter No she didn't And they're wriggling at night It's a horrific feeling And I google And I go out of them Because it didn't have any of the medicine

And it said raw garlic So I went back I told all these ladies Oh don't worry if you get it Because you can just take raw garlic And they were like Oh we could never eat raw garlic And I was like

Oh shit I didn't know you were to eat it. No fucking way. No. She stuttered up your bum? Yeah, and they never came out. But I didn't go to wait and he.

Sucked it up. Got on with it. She's not laughing though, is she? No. Wasn't it born, you see. This episode sponsored by Dormil. So many. So many questions.

Did they get rid of? No, it didn't get rid of them. It didn't get rid of them. It didn't get rid of the worms. Oh. Oh, God. Where did they get rid of them? The garlic just went inside you?

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't feel anything after that. Okay. Thank you so. Thanks for having me. Oh, God, okay. Everyone listening, if you've listened to this on audio and you haven't watched it on, please consider watching it on YouTube

because when these things come out of Lucy Beaumont's mouth and you look at her face. You never came out of the mouth? Where these words come out of your mouth, but you look at your face just sitting there. Just look at so prim and proper And it's just, oh God It's me a pleasure Thank you for coming

Thank you so much Thank you Oh God I've cried like Oh that's funny Are you one of those media Strategy people Clicking through slides scrolling spreadsheets

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