Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Rachel Parris

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

We are back! After delivering you some of our best bits throughout the summer we are back with a brand new 'Please Keep Me Anonymous'. This week joining Chris and Rosie is British comedian and writer, Rachel Parris! The trio discuss period dramas and how you can tell your age by which Mr Darcy you fancy, they talk about getting emotional on stage and they even touch on politics - by accident! All of this plus a brilliant story from a listener. *TRIGGER WARNING* This episode contains a very brief discussion around miscarriage. You can catch Rachel in her show 'The Rachel Parris Songbook' for tickets visit rachelparris.co.uk If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, you are listening to Shag Married Innoid. Please keep me anonymous. Part of the Shagged Married Anoyd extended universe. This week we are joined by the very, very funny Rachel Paris. Very funny and very clever. Yes. And Rachel is on promoting her new tour, the Rachel Paris songbook, which starts November 4th at the old rep in Birmingham. And dare I say it, as I always say it, but we had a bloody lovely chat. We did. I love doing this. I love these chats so much.

You're sick of talking to just me, though. That's being really. I still kind of enjoy that, but this is just, it's fresher. Jack Russell Terrier in here, just looking at one, you would just talk to the dog and just ignore me. You would love it, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would love that. There it is. But Richard Parris, a lot more funny, a lot more interesting,

a lot cleverer than a Jack Russell Terrier. Yeah. You heard it here first. We had a fight about the jingle, jing, gong. We couldn't set along a jingle, jing, gong. So this is the jingle, jing, gong. We hope you like the jingo, jing, gong. I do like a period drum.

to be fair. You like a new period drama. God, sorry, am I being period drama, shamed you? No, this is like an old. You don't like the cool ones that were you like, you're like a new one. Yeah, all period drama. Sorry, that's nice.

You like the old ones, I think. Oh, what's the one that Kate Winslet was in, really young? Sense and Sensibility, which was on recently. Alan Rickman. Yes. Oh, yes. Gorgeous. And the, what's the other guy?

In succession. He's in... Matthew McFadden. Yes. Pride and Prejudice, 2005, directed by Joe Wright. Right. I've just watched that one recently as well.

So there's so many of them. He is Gen Z's Mr. Darcy. Or younger millennials, Mr. Darcy. Yes. As a geriatric millennial, I'm still calling for... Yeah. Geriatric millennial.

Yeah. What are you guys? We're just turned 40. No, we haven't. We are... When this goes out, we've just turned 40. Right. Sorry.

We've just turned 40. You just turn 40. Are we geriatric? I think you're general millennium. You're like solid, solidly in the calendar. Are you sure? When were you born? Maybe which Darcy is your preferred.

Darcy decides not less than for you. Conferth. Yeah, fur. Oh yeah. You might be a geriatric millennial then. I mean, the other one. I mean, what? Matthew McFadden.

I mean, what are you talking about? No way of Jeff. Bad bunny and all that. There's no way you win. That's me. Bad bunny. Who else is the thing? That funny would make a fierce Mr Darcy

He would be amazing He'd be amazing He's a guy who does the backflips I like that one as well Benson Boone He's my Mr Darcy What does that make me Five years old

I feel like Benson Boone Was America's Harry Styles anyway Oh yeah Yeah He's super talented Yeah Have you ever seen him

Harry Styles Harry Stiles Harry Stiles would make a good Mr Darcy Yeah No have you seen He's too young Which film was he in

The film he did I have seen that He was amazing in the war one He was amazing In the War one Was he trying? No, oh yeah, he was. Don Kirk, he's unreal.

He did another one with Florence Pugh. Yeah. And he's, mainly his accent bothered me. I was like, are you trying to be American or not? It wasn't great. And that's not me. I think Harry Styles is unbelievable. Me too, I think he's an amazing performance.

He's sensational. Yeah. I don't think it was his role. Right, okay. Yes. He also came out at the end of the Eternals. Did he? Yes.

Didn't Brett Goldstein do that? Brett was at the end. of Thor, Love and Thunder. He's Hercules. Brett Goldstein's like the British comedian? Brett Goldstein is possibly our biggest British comedian exports since I want to see like Ricky Jervais.

He's huge. He's in film with him, Jennifer Lawler. He's massive over there now. He's writing stuff. It's brilliant. Me and Nish were talking the other day like it feels like a break in the space time continuing for like a British comic

that we just all gigged with on the normal circuit. Went to the end of a fring. I did 99 club with him in London, Lesnarcet. Exactly. Exactly. Like we watched him in like the 70-seater's in the Pleasant's courtyard for years.

And now he's like starring opposite J-Lo in the film he wrote for her. Crazy, isn't it? Yeah. It's not right. It's like someone's gone back in time and changed something. Yeah, exactly. This is the alternative timeline. Yeah.

That's funny. I listen to, I listen to loads of American podcasts. Much more than British, which I hate, I hate that about myself, but I just enjoy it. But obviously, the film had come out and loads of them were talking about they just kept getting his name wrong every single time. What did they call him?

Just sort of like Mark Goldstein and Brett Goldman. Stuff kind of, yeah. And they never ever corrected it. They never like looked at the form to check that it was right. This is even worse than the Atlantic Defide. This is worse than the North South divide.

Yeah. And I was getting annoyed because I was like... On his behalf. And it was on about three different podcasts where they were chatting about it. And they weren't in their fan, they weren't interviewing him. They were just talking.

about the film and about jail. They're like very gossipy. It's not like his name's like Benedict Cumberbatch. It's not like one of those like offensively English names. They all got it wrong. Red Goldstein could be American.

Exactly. Confused you in American name. They all got it wrong and they all didn't care that they've got it wrong. And I was kind of like, it's going to bite you in the ass. That just says more about the kind of dickhead podcast to listen.

Oh, like I'm talking. Sorry. They're all just horrible. They're horrible. And I need to stop though, because in America, they're so less, like, bothered about stuff than in England. They do not sense themselves. So they don't give a shit.

So sometimes when we come to do our podcast, I say something. Chris is that you can't say that. And I'm like, why? And then I go, oh, yeah, that's why. Sometimes Rosie thinks she's an American shock jock. We have to get stuff taken out of the podcast so regularly because I said what I said. I'll claim it.

I own it. I don't give a shit. That would be fine on the one I'll listen to. But, yeah. I know. I need to stop that. because I've just lost all concept of like British humour. Yeah, I'll keep you right.

Okay, good. I'll keep you right. I feel like that's what marriage is all about. Absolutely. Every so often, mutually, a hand on the arm and a... Oh my God, yeah. That's terrifying, please. And you're obviously, there's two comedians in your life.

We do the same job for each other. Stop listening to those shit podcasts. Yeah. Don't out yourself with your terrible views publicly. they're worse than you think. Keep them for the kitchen table. Keep them for the kitchen table. Yes, I know.

So many times Rosie will say, I'll tell her something I've done and you go, you represent both of us. I say that to Marcus all the time. Yeah. Do you worry about that? Do you worry he's ever going to cancel you?

He'll bring me down. He'll bring me down. He's a very, you're in safe hands with Marcus than she is with me. Let's be honest to you. Mark's a very clever guy. I think he's very, you know.

I think what it is. is that Marcus comes from a tradition because of the age in comedy that he is. He started so young. And so he's really come through that generation where like it was a bit about shock and it was a bit about political, like saying everything politically.

And a little bit shocking people. That was shocking people was part of the comedy. Yeah. And so I don't think that's true anymore. I think that and he knows that and he's a naturally very like kind, empathetic person. But I think in his comedy, when he switches on a switch sometimes,

that I think of his like stand-up switch and I'm like you've gone into a different mode than like the you I really know. It's a performance though at the end of the day, isn't it? It is. Sometimes I'm like, I think I sometimes I'm like, I think you'll do better to be in like the mode of stand-up that you do more often now which is like less about like,

yeah, I'll just say it. I think, but that's grown up as well, isn't it? Don't you think? Yeah, yeah. You get to the point where you can't be asked anymore. I used to see yourself and think, yeah, I've said it, so what? Now I'm like, who's going to, who's going to fucking email about that? I can't be bothered, man.

Yeah, that's the thing like, even if you say it on an incredibly niche throwaway on a podcast like no one listens to or in the column of an article of the most like obscure magazine, someone will find it. And you'll see it. Because I think inherently, I think most people aren't complete assholes. So if you know you've ruined someone's dear, you're like, oh, fucking ruined their day. I was what you fucking about. But are you not asking? I'm also, though, at the point now, we've done it so much.

And we've upset so many people for not meaning to at all, but people get upset that I'm now at the point where I'm like, I just want to fucking watch the world burn. I mean, my friends are that all the time. I want to watch the world bird. It's a song out of Mean Girl, the Musical. But yeah, I'm just like, I don't give a shit. I did like, I did a podcast recently that is Amy Hogger.

It is a political podcast. Right. I didn't hugely pay attention. before doing it to what the podcast was. And she was like, well, this is where you really go to town exploring exactly where you fall politically. Oh, fuck that. Depends what date is for me.

And me, because my net, because like I was doing comedy, not very political comedy for years before the mass report started. I was going to say the mass report was pretty. Yeah. And then I got that job and I really got that job as an actress playing a silly character who was just like a news reporter actually at first in a wig and everything. Yeah. Not even my name.

I remember it, yeah. And then it changed. And they sort of liked that so much. They were like, no, we'll call her Rachel Paris. And I started writing on it. And we started doing proper political, but still obviously stupid, funny stuff. And so that became what I was like more known for for quite a few years. And then when that finished, going, I tried to like go back to what I was doing before.

And people really didn't want me to. And I was like, unlike Nish, you know, Nish got that job because he lives that like, All of those political beliefs are like on his sleeve, whether he's on stage or off it, he's talking about that. Yeah. Yeah. And lives and breathes it. Lives and breathes it. It's so passionate about it about campaigning, about his activism.

And I'm like a little bit, I want a bit of a quieter life. I don't like I have my beliefs, but I don't love arguing with people. I sort of, I'm a bit more like those, you know, my beliefs are for me. Apart from, I will absolutely, I'll march. I'll sign a petition if it's a thing I'm really gunning for. I do feel like. I think that's okay. I'm really similar as well. And I think you don't get me wrong, but my views change all the time.

That's the problem. That's the thing as well. I get persuaded. Yeah. 100%. Because you've got kids as well, by the way. When Nish has kids, I doubt it. If he ends up having kids, he's not going to be. Going on these march. Oh, yeah, yeah. That shit will pop in the second gear.

Oh, I bet he will. I bet he'll be one of the ones that takes them. Baby Carrier. But it's good that we've got people like that. We need them. We need people like that to be able to fight the good fight. And you need them in your friendship group. need to be like the one who like, oh, if I was a little bit better. You need people like that so people like me can just go, good on you.

Yeah, thanks. Go on, get your cell away. You go. Good on you. See you next week. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm really envious of like life kind of before all of this. Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Where you weren't expected to have a really passionate views. Yeah. Everything. Why now? do it why now and if you disagree with something either way either way it might fall right left whatever it's like yeah and you can't know what the what i know also i feel like i have to say on this podcast that this whole discussion for the last 10 minutes makes it sound as though i'm like an oil supporting

racist who is like killing children in my spare time and support that's what my notes that's exactly what my notes say is that not what you knew is about uh like we would here to promote your oil. Don't take Go Farage and clip that. No. Do you know it's really hard? We live in the northeast of England and you know there's people with loads of different views.

People of our family, people of our friends. Same with me, my family. Not always aligning with everybody else but you have to find, you have to find an equilibrium. So there's a lot of times where we've been in situations, family, whatever and politics come up and it's like, no, we're not. I'm not falling out with people over. I always say, don't fall out with your friends and family about them

because they wouldn't do that for you. Yeah. They wouldn't, they wouldn't do, you know, any politician, they wouldn't have your back in any kind of way whatsoever. So why are you not speaking to your brother? Do you know what I mean? No. A blog murdered his daughter in America.

Sorry. Or by Trump. I think I read about that. Explain this. See, Chris, I do no loads of stuff. Mostly about America. Yeah, you shot her. I thought you said shut up.

Shut up Chris, I do know stuff Shut up Don't speak to him like that Rachel, thank you I feel seen She's back in the character From the last one

No he did he Because she didn't like Trump He shot her Wow This is so I just think So that's what we don't want We just need to chill out a bit Yeah

And I worry that social media That's the line Ramp us all up Let's all We all work back from there But social media Has rammed everybody up Yeah

And I quite like That Chris and I don't really put out our views publicly because we never have because obviously like I say I could change depending on, who's in power or depending on, I changed my view. But yeah, and I quite like that I don't have to talk about it. But annoyingly you were basically forced into doing it through. Yeah, that's irritating when I think that that's your bit. But it was easier then because those specific years were those it was after Cameron,

it was after Brexit, it was before Labour. So it was the worst. It was even after, I think was Theresa May just in when we started. I can't remember. But like it was just those years of the worst examples of the Tory party. Doing really shit stuff. Yes. So like politically we, it wasn't, it didn't need to be very nuanced.

Yep, yep, yep. They were doing such a bad job. Yeah. Even for Tories, they were doing a really bad job. But you said it didn't need to be nuanced. The only thing that popped in my head was that picture you just put on of, um, uh, uh, Peter's Morgan and Trump where he basically

eating his asshole out yeah yeah that was yeah and it was like there was a whole thing of like how they got away with this like Piers Morgan was kicking off about it it was yeah

how we got away with it yeah it was a drawing it was a drawing which obviously I didn't do I had less to do with that week there were bits there were weeks

you haven't immediately distanced yourself from it Google the guys Google it if you listen to now it's a drawn just mash up I remember them showing me the picture

and they're like so you're going to be standing in front of a massive screen of this of Pierce Morgan rimming Donald Trump and and yeah that was a good example of you can't win and Pierce Morgan his response to it was that it was homophobic

that I was homophobic and I was like that's a clear that's really clever I think that's quite a stretch if anything though you're actually advertising rimming well exactly and also as I said to Pete Morgan I was like not just the gays do rimming well exactly

so yeah I do you think That's just that's a really clever way of arguing. He is a, I think you'll find that as an under entire community. He knows what he's doing. Very good. He also retweeted it to high heaven.

He knew exactly what he's doing. The attention wasn't bad. Oh, well, you see. And he's got his own podcast, doesn't he? So there you go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Anyway, can we stop talking about politics? Let's stop.

You're not talking about politics in your new tour. Rachel Paris song group, which starts November 4th at the old rep in Birmingham. Beautiful room, that. I don't think I've played it before. I think, and I don't mean to brag here, but I worked out once that over the years, I think I've played every room in Birmingham. Really? Not like living rooms and bathrooms and that.

I think I've played every comedy room in Birmingham from like Glee Club up. Yeah. From the Glee Club studio all the way up to the arena. It's like that isn't there where there's like loads of different things. Manchester as well. So many really nice venues. Yeah. Yeah.

So this is songs and stand-up. Yeah. Sort of like a best-of, in it? It's a best-off. Very good. It's a best-off. Are you doing some singing? Yeah, I'll be doing my songs.

I've been doing like musical comedy was my way into comedy. And I've done it all the way through. But there's still a few people who don't really know that. Like I've never done a tour show without it being half songs, half standard. But during the Mash Report years, I'd do quite a lot. lot of satire you know woven in yeah and there will be probably a little bit of politics in there but mostly it's just songs about like normal life i've got songs about um the trying to over the years about like uh taking the make out of the x factor song uh that you've got one

called i am amazing there's one uh the claim uh the greatest showman song uh that's like it's like a mash up of every song on the greatest showman called something um something uplifting and something profound. Nice. You know, I've got songs about being a mum, songs about when you do some exercise, having to tell someone that you've done some exercise. You've got to put that Strava link on.

It's crucial. It doesn't count if you don't tell people. I've got... I walk around my gym gear, even if I haven't been in the gym. This is it. You've got to just slip it into conversation. Rosie will go to the gym,

have a shower after the gym, put clean gym gear on just to mention that you've been in the gym. I would say, yeah. I mean, you're sort of the subject of my songs. Yeah. Put a picture of us up. Yeah.

School running my gym gear, lungers up the steps. I've got a, this is the most obscure bit. I've got like, what's it called? Parody of Easy Lover, but it's speedy border. It's about being a speedy border. On a plane? I love that. And how it has almost no advantages at all.

Get on two minutes earlier than everyone else. And not than everyone else as well. Two minutes earlier than some other people. But by no means at the front, actually. So, yeah, it's just, it's pretty relatable, sometimes surreal, sometimes niche, but I feel like there's something for everyone. And the thing I like about doing best of is,

if you know the songs, if you followed me for like the last 15 years, you'll enjoy hearing them again. You'll be like, I know this one, I can sing along. Obviously, don't sing along. And if you don't know them, then they're new to. And they're enjoyable. Listen, I love that. I've always been really, really, really,

jealous of music and comedies and you go, yes, this one, and you go, yeah, they don't mind. You've only done a 15 minutes set tonight, haven't you, mate? You could put songs in. You won't be very good at singing. I can't sing. You could write a good song. You're a good writer.

Maybe. Yeah. My segue is, aren't I getting better? Speaking of writing, tell us about your book. Oh, thanks. I've written a book. I've read a novel. It came out last November.

Probably book, Chris. Not like how I can't. Introducing Mrs Collins Yeah Paper back on the 8th of October Yeah it's a Jane Austen spin off It's a Pride and Prejudice sequel essentially Because you'll know from ostentatious

Like obviously I love Jane Austen Yes And I had this idea about There's this character who's Lizzie Bennett's best friend Who she says She's not romantic And she agrees to marry

The awful Like absurd offensive vicar character Because he's like Secure and he's got an house and you know. And it follows her story because I was like, well, what happens afterwards? She's kind of written out of Pride and Prejudice, you know, at the end, she's just married to him and you presume she has, you know, a pretty shit life. And I was like, well, what could happen there over the next few years? So it follows her for the next few years. Oh, I love that. And let's just say maybe she is romantic.

She meets the right person. Is she having anything? Don't tell us. Yeah. I won't give spoilers. I'm going to read that. That sounds really, really good. Read it. It was really nice to write. and it's been, yeah, me starting off writing novels, so I'm kind of getting into novel writing now. Nice. Pulling a Mark Watson and trying to keep that thread going a bit. You got, say comedians to me are some of the cleverest people I've ever met in my life.

I think to do what you guys do? No, I know. Present company I said. No, I think it's really, no, it's clever. And it's, you've got to have a big brain. But I think as well, comedies. Like, we can quite, on the whole, quite easily turn our hands to other stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

As comedians become writers, like, you just go out to be torn up on now. And some people are wildly successful when they do. I do think you've got a lot of transferable skills as a comedian. I do think that. And people get really cross, I think, when you try and do other things. Yeah. Rob Bryden recently has written a kid's book. And quite a lot of authors, kids authors are like, oh, I suppose you can do.

And of course, that's not. that. We love that as well. Yeah. There is, like, I do realize there is like inequality. Having the name does help you get published. But also, like, you, he, you, like, if you're a comedian, you're a writer. Yeah, that's what I'm definitely. I'm a writer. Yeah, you're already right. And you're acting as well in my opinion. Because you're acting it out. Yeah. Every night I'm acting it out. Yeah, yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of one stage, though, I've got your naughtia, right? You passed out mature once. Yeah. Oh. What happened there? You know in Edinburgh. At the Edinburgh Fringe in August, it's freezing outside. But you're performing in these little lecture halls, aren't you? So like 50-seaters. There's no aircon. Awful.

It's very unglomerous. To the point of when there is ACON, when there is ACON, people put it on their flyer. Yes. If you happened, back in my day, if you had an air-conditioned venue, you would put it on your flyer. It was a selling point. Wow.

A big draw to have an air-cond room. Big draw. So these tiny, low-ceiling little rooms. and you're there in spotlights. The year that I passed out, did I think I had costume changes as well. Oh my God. And basically you're just up there for an hour. And it was a real like heat wave considering it's Edinburgh,

it was a bit of a heat wave. And yeah, the room was just boiling hot. And I started to sway. I was at the keyboard. I remember leaning on the keyboard and going, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to leave. So I got off, I walked like up the stairs to the back. That's all right.

And then passed out in the, I had a lovely technician at the time. Yeah. I passed it in like the backstage room. And he like came down and was like, fuck. And he sort of like made sure I was okay, but then went out to the audience and said, she's dead. He didn't know. No refunds.

Blessing because he didn't know whether to say stay here or go. Yeah. Like what accords. I think he said just give me five minutes. Two questions. How far under the shore were you? About half. Halfway.

Was it going well? I can't remember, but I carried on. I think it must have been going all right. Yeah, I carried on. You passed out and went back out. Yeah. No way. Did you really?

Gosh, that's impressive. I couldn't make the most of that audience, man. Yeah. True. The way I wanted refunds, imagine. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm amazed that.

So the only time this is anything similar has happened to me, I've sported about before you rangers. I was in Aberdeen and Rosie Rangang and just said, I've got an oral virus. The kids being sick and being sick. It's in the post. And I immediately. I went, oh no.

I've never heard the phrase it's in the post before. It's in the post. I love that. I'm going to steal. You never heard that? Yeah. It's in the post.

If our kids are ill, we're very much, it's in the post. We're going to get it. I don't know if we've talked about this. I think I have. We used to, if the kids were ill, the kids had some kind of sickness bug. We used to eat.

It was like, right, take away tonight then, because it doesn't count. Pizza, curry, have whatever you want. Because it's coming. I think you're talking about it. I've never done that.

We've definitely done that before. I wrote it down once. And was it in the post? It was in the post. So I was on stage. Aberdeen Music Hall. I was on stage. And I was literally, every punchline I would finish.

I would go, oh, like that. And the crowd were like, oh. And they were fully on board with it. And I had a flight case next to us on the floor. And I was like, so many times on it. And it was right at the end. I'm talking two minutes left. And I was going to be sick on stage.

I said to them. I said, look, I'll just be sick in front of years. And then I got this fear of like, I can't be sick in front of you. So I just. kick the flight case and they skidded into the wings and I chased it into the wings and I was saying, yeah, you kept your mic on. I put the mic in the flight case with us.

I'm so sorry, I put it in the flight and I was like, blah. And yeah, me two, our manager had to go out and see, sorry, but no one asked for a refund and not only that, they bought, um, they bought programs on the way out. Because I was there for the chunder. Yeah, it was just, the chunder one. He was literally like, he came and got loads of cash.

He was like, they bought programs that way. It was like, oh, why have they done that? So weird. Oh my God. So weird. My friend Anna Morris. I don't know if you'd have met Anna Murray she's more of a like

she does like character comedy which is amazing she used to do a character called Georgina the Bride and it went a bit viral she did live shows and everything and she performed in a glistening white puffy wedding dress

for all of her shows and she got food poisoning and it came on just before one of her shows and she was like putting on like extra pants like doing anything she could.

She was like, you know, can I, I just can't shit myself on a stage. Like, it's going to show so visibly. And she said she literally just sweated and clenched her way through the show and then literally the minute she stepped off. And in like a few months later, I was getting ready to do. I quite remember. It was a big gig.

Maybe it was like live at the Apollo or something. And she was, I was really brick in it. Yeah. And she said, if I can get the. through, if I can get through not shitting myself in a wedding dress. Yeah, you can do it. But why do, it's performers, why do we do this? I was performing.

I know, but sometimes you look back and think, what? I wasn't getting paid, you know, I was performing in a five-star hotel in Greece. I used to do the entertainment thing. And I did like a high kick and I went over on my ankle and I think, like I did it in really badly. And I remember being stood at the back of the stage and there was tears. You know, like when you automatically cry when you hurt yourself. And I turned around and I kept going.

But then you go, looking back, I'm like, why did I keep going? There was absolutely no need. People were just on the holidays watching a show. I could have just gone off. But I did the full show. You do though, don't you? It's weird. It was going to go on.

Do you know what else have you found this? I mean, this sort of like goes against your microphone in the chunder suitcase. But people don't care. The standard, like standard audience is, I would think definitely like what you're. you're that performing, people do not care if you're... I always think, when I'm really ill and I've got through it, I always feel like, well, I mention it and it'll be a bit funny. Yeah.

You know, if you're, like, really ill, you've got some interesting illness, you know, like, not a catching one, just something that's a bit unusual, or, like, a story about how hard it was to get here, like, capers on the way, they never care. They're always just like, can you get on... Shut up. Can you get on with the show? Shut up and crack on. Don't care about your health.

You're right, actually. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years.

Babadoo, babado, babado, babo, bab. I'm self-editing for I tell this story because I can't say who it was, and I don't want it to be super clear from the story. But I did a gig years ago. And it didn't help that I was shit. Like I was doing trying for a year. I tried character comedy for a year and it's not my thing. Yeah, yeah.

I tried that. So I died on my ass anyway. Well, done it. And this comic kind of didn't really have a set and got up and kind of had a bit of a breakdown on stage and started crying. And the audience just loved it. loved it and were like whooping and cheering and like, I'll tell you more about this afterwards.

But like, can't wait. Oh, we always do this. Sorry, guys. I was just side of stage and I was just watching and I was like, you haven't told a joke. You haven't told any, you haven't said anything funny. And the audience were just going, yeah. And I was like, why did I bother writing anything? I'm trying so hard. Was that they sure?

Did they then they just keep on just doing that show? Wow. Was this new act night? New material night? No, very quite experienced. Shut up, man. You'll know who it is. Wow.

And a full breakdown on stage and that was it and ripped the fucking ass out of the place. It was so one of those like, I mean, they've done it a few times. No. Yeah. But like. Right. So you know what I hate? Yeah.

I hate pretending they're drunk. Yes. I hate acop. There's a few do, I'll not mention names. There's a few I know who do it and they go on. Oh, God, I'm drunk. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Like, oh, I'm drunk.

Why is everyone, why has everyone, that's great? Everyone's been drunk. That's not funny. And laughing while on stage, just doing a daft laugh to get a daft laugh. Oh, I hate that. I hate a fake laugh. A daff laugh. Just smoking around having a daff laugh.

Can you fucking say something. I hate you. Yeah. Again, I'll have to say who that is afterwards. Oh, sorry, guys. People are going to be listening. They do that in the American podcast. I listen to all the time.

They talk about people and go, oh, my God, tell me after it. And I'm like, damn it. The problem is the comedy scene is, it's extremely bitchy. Extremely bitchy. It really is. The best advice I ever got when I first started comedy was someone said, it was another comedian said, and remember what happens on the circuit.

And I went, oh, stairs on the circuit. He went, no, everyone tells everyone about it. Everyone tells everyone about it forever. Yeah. I was like, that is the best advice I've ever had. Yeah, they'll remember. Yeah, they remember. They might even say it on stage.

They'll certainly say it backstage. This is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Got a promoter friend who's like, there's, I think a comic, like, let them down twice in like 10 years, but twice in a row. Yeah. And they're like, hold it against them. And they tell everyone, like, can't trust that person.

I mean, yeah, right. So I've had that of promoters. Like, I'm talking small-time promoters in Sheffield have been like, Russell, I would have supposed to come in doing new material. And now he's pulled, you'll ever work for us again. I'm like, will you not? I think. Will you not? again.

Is he? Yeah. God. Are you sure, are you sure you can do that amount of damage to his mental health?

I don't think that's fair. That genuinely, someone's said that exact, them exact words to us. Yeah. He'll have a player again. So bitch.

In this pub? Would you not? You've got a story to read for us. Yeah, I have. That'll be lovely. I love comedy gossiping now. I know.

It's because I'm out of it as well. You know. Now I want the podcast to end so I can tell you about it. Yeah, I know. And you can tell me about, right. Mm-hmm.

Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. A while back I was having some health problems and I was referred for a pelvic exam. I'm not great with medical stuff so I took my sister along for moral support. Sorry, what's a pelvic exam? Pelvis.

Just down here, all around the bottom of the hips and goes across. Funny that men don't know where the pelvis is, isn't it? Have you got a pelvis? Check your privilege. Oh, sexist. Yeah, men have got a pelvis. Smaller one. Are there?

Oh, that's... You've got so chivates. I did. I'm sorry. I got. He does do be a son-art. Sometimes. Not very often. He's all right.

Right. Don't think about pelvis, Rachel. Right. I assumed it was just an ultrasound like when you have a baby. So when the sonographer asked if some students could be present, I agreed. The ultrasound was finished. And then to my surprise, the sonographer asked me to remove the bottom half of my clothing for the internal exam. Okay, I thought, this is a good thing. And the NHS are being thorough. the inter... Sorry.

Well, there must be a camera for the inside of our pelvis. I don't think men have got a pelvis. You definitely can't look at the inside of it. They can. They can and they will. Right. I removed my clothing in private. And then when I was ready, with the huge piece of blue paper over my lower half, the curtain was pulled back.

And there's the sonographer with the students in tow. Before the internal exam started, the small pen-like camera device was put under the paper towel. Why bother with the paper towel? at this stage. At this point. While the sonographer talked the students through the process, I heard a familiar noise, which I realised was my sister trying to stifle her laughter.

I stared at her telepathically telling her to shut up, shut up, shop. You. But then she nodded towards the huge screen that they showed the images on. The sonographer hadn't realised that he'd turned on the camera. And while he talked in depth to the students, my entire vagina was on display. Oh, my God. Just on the screen

So like a cross-off Does she mean the inside of it? No, I think the doc there's just there I think the synographer or whatever It's just a pillick and he's just going on I'm just going to do this bit of here In a moment I'm going to push this inside But for now here is a

Up close External view on a screen of this vagina They want to thought anything of it though Because they've just seen so many of them She says just to finish I was absolutely mortified But the true Brit that I am I didn't say a word

I just nodded along While my full genitalia was on display See see I'm not brash or like, you know, I try not to be awful or rude as much as I can when I've had a drink I am. But if I was in that situation and they said, can the students be here? Because I assume I had to go for medical the other day for a thing and they push on you. Yeah.

They just pushed on us and said, I assume that was a pelvic exam. Absolutely fine. Scan, fine. The students can be there. The second they said in turn, I'd get, sorry, what, you're going up my ass. Can you get the fuck? Can you fore? Hang on, no.

get out. They've got to learn. They're not learning on me. I had them in, I had them in for something quite intense. Might have been like birth. Did you? There was,

there was, I got asked during something quite intense. Some birth. I was there for both the births. Oh, well, what was it? Was it, I don't want to get grim. Was it miscarriage times?

There was a time. I've never thought about that. There was a time when they said, can the student come in? I was like, well, yeah. Might have been miscarriage. I think it was, we had a, there was a lot of,

funny goings on at that time, wasn't they? Do you remember the cleaner? Yes. Oh, God. Oh, no. We were laughed. It's all been there. It was such a horrible.

No, because I think you, I was off my tits, but it was such a horrible time, but also. Holding each other's hands and crying and I kissed her forehead and we're had, we're touching foreheads and we're literally like, it's going to be okay. Yeah. You'll be fine. We'll try again. We'll build to have another baby. It'll be amazing. I love you.

I love you too. And then the door swung open. and this woman went She was about four foot 11 4 foot odd and the door swung open and she just went I'm just pretty hoover in here

and the loudest fucking hoover like the loudest most unbelievable like a fucking jet engine oh my god you're all right and we just started laughing my heads off yeah so it was like

the student nurse who came in with paracetamol there's a student nurse who came in with some paracetamol just the same time this is all happening for the pain and he came in with them and he held them and he literally was like,

we've got these pain killers. Are these, are these four, do you need water or are the four? Don't do that. He did it with his fingers. And I need he fucking died. So yeah. So it would turn a horrible day

and quite a funny day for us. I remember that. I think I wrote them down on my phone at the time. Like funny little things kept happening because it was such an awful time. In an awful time. But funny things happened. I think it was to tell Mark it because it was during COVID.

Right. He couldn't be there the whole time. So like, I was like, I must remember to tell Marcus that it is. But there were. There was plenty of funny stuff and I'm just the horror. I know. That's life, isn't it? Yeah.

It is life. Thank you so much for joining us to do. This has been so lovely. So lovely. So nice. Good luck with the tour. Thank you. I'm going to tell you now how it was.