Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Rhys James

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie Ramsey are joined by comedian and Mock The Week star, Rhys James. Rhys chats about his new role as a Team Captain on Mock The Week, why cracking your head open is a retro injury and he shares a pretty harrowing back stage Green Room story. Chris reveals an old hygiene habit at from the Edinburgh Fringe and Rhys and Rosie do their best to explain Rat Boy Summer. All this plus a horrifying story from one of you lovely lot! You can catch Rhys on tour this year with his show Chop Logic, for tickets visit rhysjames.co.uk If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, this is Shagmire, Rinaloid. Please keep me anonymous. We're actually just laughing, recalling stories that we've just talked about. Yes, the guest this week is, we've done it again. We've got one of me old comedy mates on. Oh, all Chris's friends.

It's on the board. Honestly, this is just like a reunion for me sometimes. It's comedian Reese James, who we used to write together back in the day. He's now Team Captain on Motte the Week, and he's just a funny guy. Bones. Just incredibly funny.

He's going on to her soon with his two are chop logic. Rees James.com. You can get your tickets there. It's R.H.Y.S. James. So more like Raha'i. Yeah. So the thing is, right, what you've got to know about an R.H.Y.S.

James is when they meet other R.H.Y.S. they get incredibly excited. Oh, do they? We have another R.H.Y.S. On our team, on our social team. So when they came in, they were all over each other like a fucking cheap suit. Oh, okay.

And my tour manager is called Reese like that as well. Whenever he meets one on the road, it's unbelievable. Because what's your other, E-E-C-E. Oh, there's all kinds. But R-H-Y-S is the most, I think it's the most Welsh one. So they get very excited. Oh, nice. Okay. Well, listen. But he's a very funny man. We had a great chat.

I can't even keep track of what we're talking about. But it was a whirlwind and it was fantastic. And I hope you all enjoy it. Please rate and like and subscribe. Subscribe on YouTube if you can. That'll be really lovely if you're watching this. And enjoy. So this is the jingo.

Jingo. We hope you like the jingo to jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, babadu, bao. Jingo. Mait, I haven't seen you for so long. It's so nice to have you here. It must be a decade. It's got to be.

I've probably seen you see it, but in regularly. There was a period where I was seeing you very regularly. Yes. What was it? Because I can't remember. When I had like different TV shows and different things, we used to rate with us on all of those things. Is that how long ago?

an hero of my life I call the Chris Ramsey pirate. The pilots. There were a few pilots. What we're doing again, Chris? Yeah, we're just doing another one of those pilots are yours. No, doing again. We get some better writers. Maybe you'll get one on the air.

You were brilliant, always. Well, that's the thing. What's really hilarious is, I'm doing Motte the Week in a few weeks. Yes. And Reese used to be one of the go-toes I would go to about him doing Motte the Week, what we're going to write.

He's now Team Captain on Motte the Week. Amazing. I'll still write for you if you were. Look. Nah, nah, no. I couldn't afford you saw my stuff. You actually said, he's not going to be able to write for us. Yeah.

I was like, it would have been funny to ask. It would have been funny to ask. So, are you available for, um? Actually, I start off. He's got half an hour free as well. That would be good. Yeah. Well, he's just riffing.

He doesn't have to, you know. He's free the day before, isn't he? Oh, you're enjoying it? It's great. Yeah, of course. Well, it's like anything. I don't know if you have this attitude to life, but I have this attitude to life,

which is like, you want to be asked to do things. You don't want to have to do them. Oh, my God. It's nothing worse than going to work ultimately, regardless of what your job is. I'm exactly the same. I get full on formal through my phone. But then I'm like, I've been to that thing and I hated it.

Yeah, yeah. You just go, yeah, obviously when you're actually doing it, I think it's all just nerves that make me go. It's like, it's the build up to the recording on that day where I'm just like, oh my God, I'm going to phone in a bomb threat to the studio so we don't have to do this. I'm pulling the fire alarm.

While Dara's doing the warm up about to say my name, I'm like, well, I'm going to have to do something. But then obviously once you're sat there and doing it, it's like, this is great. And we record on Tuesday. And I would say the last series we did for every Wednesday, I would swan around like, I've got the best job in the world. Yeah. My life is amazing. Wow. But the Monday and Tuesday, I would be like, I would give anything to work in recruitment right now. I hate this so much. But it's just, that's how being terrified manifests itself.

It's the anxiety of it. No. Well, let's see a final job you love you'll never work a day in your life. They are wrong. Because everything's relative. Yeah. Everything's relative. Yeah. We are human beings. We are awful. We're fallible. We can get sick of anything. Of course. That's why the concept of heaven is such bollocks because there's nothing that we wouldn't go fucking jogging, aren't you? Yeah. Do I mean?

Like, do you know what I'm saying? You don't believe that, do you believe? I'm looking at Rosie here. What? What do I believe? You don't know, go on. Tell us what I believe is. I just think we could get,

I don't think I've gone really deep here but I don't think that could possibly be a concept of heaven that anyone could be, that even anyone could be like, this is perfect. Well, not if it's staying the same the whole time. Yeah, you would have to change. After a while in heaven, you're like,

pop some flames in here, mate. me's it up a bit. Prud me with a pitchfork lad. Strict that, Garth. This is too nice, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what. We talked about religion when Daniel Sloss was on.

It got a bit deep, didn't it? But like, who knows? Are you religious? No, what? Is Daniel Sloss religious? So religious. No, he's not. No, he's not at all.

He's not at all. But how is he? Oh, no. Is he big atheist? Is that what's going on? Yes. But anything he says in the accent sounds religious, oddly. Yeah, yeah.

He's the first atheist priest. Everything sounds like a prayer. Yeah, it's weird. No, I didn't mean this got to start going on about heaven and hell there, but it is that thing of like, yeah, even like, I love our job, love, love what we do. But it's any, you get like, you would rather do fuck all. Of course.

I just believe everyone would rather do fuck all. I would be like, oh my God, I need to work. Like, why am I not at work? I get, I think I talk about on the podcast years ago. I get phone more. If I'm in the house, I want to be out. If I'm out, I want to be in the house. Yeah.

You know, if I'm working, I want to be off. If I'm not on tour, I want to be on tour. While I'm on tour, I want to be at home. Exactly. Some Saturdays when I'm on two, I'll video, I'll FaceTime you and you'll be at home with the kids. And I'll be like, oh my God, I want to be at home with the kids. But I know how fucking horrible Saturdays at home with the kids are. That's not the good deal.

They're awful. I used to work in an office as a secretary for a, what the fuck did they do again? There it is. It was like a clue. Choose a job you love. You'll never forget. They supplied the ink for the printers, the big massive printers in offices. Oh, right.

This is the one we drive past. I just passed it on the year one every time I'd be in the metro cell and you go, I used to work there. But there is days when my life was just so simple and I would sit there and I sometimes crave and I think, oh God, I missed that job. But then also I was bored chipless. Yes. I think the one thing that I look forward to inexplicably in my diary is when it's like,

right, busy week and then that's an empty day where you can actually just sit and write and it's like there's not a gig in the evening you've got to worry about where you're like energy is going to shift. I can just sit and I can focus and I can like write stand-up. And then as soon as that day comes around, I go, I can't sit here and write-stack. This is awful. It's the worst. It's the worst.

I hate writing stand-up. I hate it so much. It's impossible. Yeah. At my tour then, I've just done one leg of it. I'm doing the second leg in the autumn. I was so lucky because I'd had four years off stand-up. I hadn't done any sense.

Since sort of, I named a tour 2020. And then it didn't go because of, yeah, yeah. It's the only time I had it's... The only time I was not to name it off of the year. I was like, just call it the 20-22, because I'm doing it in 2020. Oh, never again, right? So I'll never name one after the year ever again. After that one, when it finally went out, I had four years off.

And obviously, I don't write stuff, but I write little thoughts and ideas down for the podcast. And then every other little thought and idea that wouldn't go on the podcast went into this other folder. Six previews in the two I was done because it was four years of, I've got these stories. I've told them friends and family, but I haven't told them one thing. sitting down, there's something really odd about sitting down with a bit of paper and pen or sitting at your laptop and going, I need to be funny now.

Also, it's when it's like, I need to write with no restrictions or like when you can write about anything. Yeah. And you go, well, what though? You sort of almost want someone to go, write a show about this subject. Yeah, yeah.

I can do that. If you give me a subject I have to write about, it's like, cool, I'm going to focus. Because when you do what the week and stuff, this send, you're not knowing this, Rosie. When you do, I'm dreading doing it again, right? You get sent. It's like what Sarah Pascal says.

It's like your GCSEs. Yeah. you get sent a pack and it's every fucking news headline and every top line and every quip and every, and then the prime minister I said this and then there's a...

And hang on though, when will you get that? Because it's got to be quite current, doesn't it? Yeah, day before. Shut up. You're going to have to... It's just basically... Day before.

Day before, Rosie. Imagine what that day feels like when you're going... Right, I've got to write three hours of material now to say tomorrow. So you're going to have to do that the day before? I mean, I'm going to have some stuff.

When is it? You be able to have to have... Not writers, just people getting your lunch and stuff. Cleaning the house. So what I used to do and what I still will do and what loads of comedians do for this show is you go, right, I've got a couple of people who are right with who do stuff with us.

There's your news pack. Send us what you've got. Another person, there's your news pack, send us what you've got. They'll send us what they've got. I'll go through. I'll sort of cull it and pick and add to it and then I'll add my stuff to it. But you're going on with a pile of stuff,

you say 10% of it. Oh, yeah. You just need to have it there. It's just like a revision basically You just need to know It's also like some of it is just being so familiar with So because you don't know what anyone else is going to say So just being familiar with the news story enough

That you can kind of like When they go down that route of the news story You know what they're talking about it Although this last series There was quite a few times when I was like what And it was quite fun to go I've not read this bit What are you on about?

Yeah Yeah And then have someone have to explain this like Ridiculous thing that happened And then you just react in real time It's like sorry that's mental Like Donald Trump said what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it is quite fun to just do that and see it for what it is. Because what you realise after a while is that kind of is what the audience are doing. Sometimes you're doing it on Rock and you've written all these jokes, but they kind of assume a lot of knowledge from the audience. But these are people who are just at work and then have come to this after work and are busy. And they've not spent the order of yesterday reading that whole back. They need to send that to the audience. When you walk in, they've also got nice.

God, what's stressful D.O. that would be. I already had that joke recently. We all thought of that. Genuinely nothing worse. Is this? Do they still do the goal? to the mic thing? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that call again? Scenes we'd like to see. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like unlikely lines from a blockbuster and stuff like that. You're going to have to be careful. I'm done, honestly, just since he's, I'm doing it now, you know.

Have you grown up? When was the last time you did this show? I was a child. Yeah. I was an actual child. I was in me 20s. Right, just be careful. Yeah. Just remember, the cameras are always on.

Yeah. It's always on. Yeah. Just be careful what you see. Yeah. It's not live. A lot of people should think it was live. If he fucks it up, it's fucked for me as well.

There's a lot of pressure for me now because I'll get shit off everyone else and then I'll get even more shit off her when I get home. So you can't be careful, I'm. Okay, right. And if you get fully cancelled, then this podcast has to become like a right wing podcast. I know she just gets a lasin and they talk about periods and stuff. Yeah, fine. There's your two options.

You got two options. Either you get your words lasin and you talk about periods or you put a union jack behind you. Those are the only two options, aren't they? For if you get a cancelled in a podcast? We put a union jack and then we should release some kind of protein drink? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can't wait. I never ever look at the notes that we get for guests, right? Because obviously I'm like, oh my God, I know Reese. I've known Reese for years. But this is why I think you'll be shut among the week. I know, I will. I was good before. I was good back in the day.

I know hardly any of these things about you were just freaking us out. You've got a fear of cracking your head open. Well, it's all. Why is that on my notes? I don't think that's necessarily like a phobia. Right. Who there's walking around going like, if I crack my head open, I crack my head open, who gives a shit? This is what I don't understand about.

Phobia's like should all be irrational when it's like, what are you scared of drowning? It's like, yeah, that's a given, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm scared of crack my head open. Exactly. No, it's not that. I think I've said in the past that there used to be, when I was a kid, there was such a climate around kids cracking their head open. Every party I was at, a kid.

Even the freest. What, cracking your head open? Ormond. It's so brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, not just like, yeah, yeah, you're at the freest. bleeding from the head. I mean, that's worse. Have you never,

I've never had a head injury? I've had head injuries, but cracking your head open. It's just, as I read it, as I read, he has a fear of cracking his head open. I don't have a fear of cracking one's different. Don't make me sound.

No, I don't. Reis is written here. I'll do it right now. I do it right now. This rug wasn't here. I insisted on this rug being in here, just in case. No, it was there every party I went to

when I was a kid, someone cracked their head open. And it doesn't happen anymore. Yes. So it doesn't happen at like, my brother's got kids and no one cracks their head open at those parties ever, right? And it's like, we're parents back in the day,

just battered at these parties, not paying attention that kids were running around and then just falling over. My brother cracked my head open. Your head open. Yeah, so he was two, I was five. My dad, I've talked about this before. My dad was fixing a door handle, hadn't bothered to put it back on because he's a lazy bastard.

And so my little brother picked up the metal door handle and cracked it off the back of my head. I had to go to hospital. I thought it was going to be an accident. Oh, no, he's funny. He just did it. Or intentionally cracked your head. Yeah.

Oh my God. That's crazy. I'm talking about just sort of like slipping over while charging around like a party somewhere. Yeah. In a pub. When it would be in like a pub or a TGI Fridays or something like that. And the kids are all going crazy. Parents in now just have had too many pints aren't looking.

Yeah. But I also, the thing I find mad is that when I'm at these parties for children, the parents are still doing that. It's in a pub and they're still not really looking at kids. They're just like all chatting and the kids are going nuts. So what's happened to kids? Yeah. That then have skull?

Have we evolved? Have we evolved thicker skulls? The kids fall over but it just doesn't crack open. Has everything become safer? Yeah, like floor. Do you think, I don't know. Corners are a bit more rounded? Gosh, I don't know.

You're totally right, you know. Bring back sharp corners. That's what's wrong with this lily liver generation. Horizon a nation of squibs. Pubs have gone woke. That's what you're saying to me. Although, although I, you know this. I was at a party with our youngest when he was about,

he must have been three or four and the bouncy castle there was a bounty castle right it was a church hall there was a bounty castle I'm not kidding the bouncy castle was probably two thirds

the sides of the church hall it was a bounty castle in a room and everyone else was just around the castle no word of a lie there was 40 kids on the castle probably more

and he was like I want to go on the bouncy castle and I saw two kids running to each of that and both their fucking teeth came out like they just smashed their teeth like a really aggressive

teenage kiss oh my god yeah yeah yeah if you have a clad teeth with someone like back in the day like, bump, screaming two kids, screaming blood everywhere. And I literally went to them.

I will take you to the toy shop and buy you whatever you want if you leave this party right now. What? That's critical. Sorry, the tone with which you said that was like you were the spy. We have to get out right now. I will do this. I will kill you if you don't walk out with you right now.

Why should keep doing that, man? I do it. See, you stop telling us these stories. That was years ago, that one, though. That's amazing. And then the actual teeth came out. Two teeth out. one cracked, one just out,

both kids screaming blood all over the faces, like a horror film. Got them on it. You've got a monitor at the Bounter Castle. That's good to know, actually. I find that reassuring to hear. Happens in the north, mate. That's it.

The pub's in the south. I went to a party once. It was a Lou Sander's birthday and it was in the upstairs room of a pub. Big, big son of Louss. 90% of the room was a bouncy castle, like inflatable thing that had a surfboard on it that you had to like stay on.

Amazing. But it was like, there's like 200 people invited to this upstairs of a pub and most of them are downstairs in the pub because you can't get into the room because of the fucking inflatable surfboard machine. It was just the most inappropriate place for it to be. Also, no one on it, like maybe every 50 minutes someone goes on it and it's Lou again. Well, Lou's a rollerblader.

She's got really good balance. Yeah, yeah. I love that so much. I love it. Also, just going back to your notes. Oh, I love your notes, like. These are really good. I don't know where you've said these things.

Yeah. You had a kidney removed, a 10. Yeah, just a bit. Just a bit? The whole thing. The whole thing. Why? I just fancied it, you know.

I didn't have anything interesting about me. Thought get it out, get it out. I wanted to be able to go to the toilet whenever I wanted at school and to have a little water bottle on my table. Those are the only luxuries afforded to the single kidney people. It died. It shriveled up and died. Stop it.

It was causing me some issues, i.e. Pissing blood sometimes. Cheers. Could have just got braises, couldn't you? Had to get you kidding you with food. Got those as well, thank you. Couldn't just have a lazy eye like everyone else. That's wild.

Wow. Oh, bless you. A 10. Oh, we've got a 10-year-old. That's horrible. That's terrified. We'll be looking out for the bullet. Nosebleeds.

Dude. Huge at the minute. Do you know what I? 10-year-old boys? Huge at the minute? Or do you have a 10-year-old? Huge at the minute. I don't want to point fingers, yeah, but you look like you were in nosebleed.

You were in a nosebleed. You were in a nosebleed. You were a nosebleed. Big time. Absolutely. Of course. Big time. I heard all the tricks.

It was like the sort of old wives tales of what fixes a nose, what stops a nosebleed. Wet flannel on the back. What are you talking about? It's like when mums are like conkers on the stairs gets rid of spiders. These two things are not in any way connected. The blood's coming out my nose. Maybe flannel on the nose? Rub a bit of meat on a wart, bury in the garden.

As the meat rots away, the wart disappears. Oh my God. Is that real? You know I heard that one? I've never ever heard that one. Shut up, man. Really? Speaking as a woman

with a current Veruca, I could have known about that. How fuga? How many is that? You said that. The way you said that

was like we should like be doing like a drive for you, like a charity gig speaking as a woman with a current varuka. My God. Yeah, I've got,

who hasn't got verucas? I've got Rukas. Have you? Why not? I mean, it makes more sense for you to have because you're presumably at swimming pools

with children. Yeah. You've never been you haven't been a swimming pool for years. No, but the kids have, Robin sometimes has

Varukas and you can just catch them from being around the house. Can you? Yeah, like, genuinely start wearing some socks because I've been... You've got Baruch on the way. Oh, you're a big hygiene guy, aren't you? You're a...

Do you know what it is? I play fast and loose with it these days, for you? Oh, do you? You're really OCD about it back in the day. I used to be when I didn't have kids, yeah. I know it's impossible. I've fast and loose with that. It's not impossible.

You used to have a mat next to your bed that you'd scrape your feet on before you got into bed. Is this correct? Yes, that was at the end of my fringe. Yeah, yeah, yes. That's because the, you know this. I don't know. No, I don't.

You're like, he's so obsessed with not any dirt on your feet being in the bed. Yeah. So that's because, right, so at the Edinburgh fringe, I'm sure we spoke about this, Rosie. I don't know about the footmat. I don't know anything about this. Do as a favour, Rosie. Reese is here. When I tell you about it, sexually control yourself.

I've got a guest. Don't do that for my benefit. I'd love to see it. When I tell you, please don't throw yourself at us because, you know, wet floor sign. Listen, so I would have, Edinburgh, we'd go to Edinburgh. Every comedian, you go to Edinburgh Fringe for the summer. And some of the houses were, you know, sort of terraced, big old, you'd love them, sort of old Edwardian, Victorian Edinburgh houses

with the floor, wooden floors. And you would walk around barefooted for the day. And by the end of the day, you'd just have a look at the bottom of your foot. And it was fucking scruffy. You're like your fucking chimney sweep. So I would have, by the side of my bed, whatever, you would have towels. I'd have a hand towel on the floor.

And I would just use it like a doormat. I would wipe my feet, like a little dog. You know, when a dog's having a shit in it, like, grapes. Why just wash your feet? Because then I'd have to walk back through. I think they've solved this. I think inventors have solved this issue.

It's called socks. Yes. Sox. When you said the phrase, and you'd walk around barefoot all day, I was like, well, I'll stop you there. Yeah. No, you wouldn't.

Who's doing that in Scotland? In Scotland. Walking around barefoot all day on wooden floor in a student house in Scotland. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. So yes, yes. I did. I used to have my little mat at the side of the bed

and I would wipe it. Yeah, yeah. And I remember, I think Jimmy McGee, saw a comedian friend of mine. Jeremy Guy saw that and told everyone. No, I don't think I heard it on the rumour mill. I think you told me. I think you explained it once. I might have been

bragging about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you, what was most starting happening is you were slagging off our mutual friend for being unhygienic about something possibly to do with his foot or something that led to you being like, mate, when I'm in this situation, I do this. Right. And then we were all like, you've come out of this more mad than whatever weird

Bollamese. That happened quite a lot in my life. I kind of don't mind it, though. I'd rather you were clean than scruffy. Yeah, I did once catch Gaby's from an ex-boyfriend's house. What? Yeah, cause it. How, do you know for sure that it was from his house? Yeah, it was a student house.

Yeah, that's rough. My, I called scabies off a sofa in a student house as well. Is that how you get it? Is it like, how do you get scabies? They're just on stuff, I think. Like bed bugs type. Sorry, I'm starting to think, but Skaby's not like the lurgy. Skaby's a real one.

Have we made that off the sofa? Yeah, what is it? No, you're all thinking, skin cheese. Oh, skin cheese is where... Skin cheese is where... Skin cheese is when you don't want to be on. It's a skin cheese. That's so you can't get scabies.

You never heard of skin, like skin cheese. Oh, you northerners. Yeah, what are you called Knock Down Ginger and fucking Knock a Door Run? Do you know, I found out my last... I had a full tour. We were all over the place. Yeah, I had a full tour, and I had a massive routine about Knock a Door Run and Knock Down Ginger, whatever you call it.

You know, it would be last date after I'd recorded it for a special and everything. The last day it was in Belfast. Do you know what they call it in Belfast? No idea. Guess. I'm not, actually, I'm not going to guess anything about Belfast. I will not fall into this trap. I'm not going to make any assumptions about Belfast.

You've said it. What? Belfast. No way, no, it's not. I've absolutely had you on there. I swear to God. You've fallen for it. All of that crowd are still laughing at the fact they tricked you into thinking it's called

Bellfast. As if. I'm telling you. As if it's called Belfast. Belfast. I swear God, full crowd. I was like, yeah. You call it Bell?

If that's true, that is next. I was like, this is the fucking last night of me tour and I've just recorded it. And I've done it at the Royal Variety. Yeah. It would have been perfect. This would have been perfect. It's unbelievable.

But yeah, so Scabies, right. So Shingles is. Is Scabies, like, rash? It was like rash. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Scabies is Rass. What's shingles? Shingles is adult chicken pox.

Oh, fuck. Make you really poorly. Yeah. Right. Because you can get them through stress, can you? Yeah, I think so. Or you get scabies just off having sex for dirty students on sofas. Specifically.

I can't remember having sex on the sofa, if I'm honest. I think I just sat on it. Prude. Yeah. Friget. Well, I hate to come on your podcast and call you Fridid, but I will. If I have to, I will. I'll go on every podcast around the country and call the host Fridget if I have to.

I'll make that my mission. This is what I want to do. From now on, I want to have an annual... I don't have kids, right? So I actually have more time than I... give myself credit for it. So I now need an annual project, right? This should be it.

And if it's like learn a language or something like that, but actually it's going to be tick off as many podcasts those that you can call Fridid on their podcast as possible and see if anyone notices that you've been doing this everywhere. I know. I've quite enjoyed it because I was anything but. So it's actually great nice. There you go.

What's mumps then? Oh, Jesus. Is that more serious? That's more. Yeah. Don't we have vaccinations for mumps? Measles. Mosell and Mubla.

MMR. Yeah. Yeah, that's the glass one where you... No, that's measles. If you've got measles, you rub a glass over it. I've never had mum's. Have you ever had foot and mouth? Hand foot and mouth?

She's not... Sorry, that's not a sexual fear of just like him. Have you... Not offered it at all, my gosh. Yeah, she's not for her. It's just off a lot of time. Yeah. Jesus, I haven't, but I'll try it.

If it's available, yeah. Who he said there wasn't a fee for this show. Wow. You really treat your guests better than off menu. Let me tell you. I will. not be called frigid. I will suck a man off in the toilet

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Babadoo, Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, ba. I did once do a corporate gig where my, it was in Proud Embankment. And Proud Embankment were hosting the young. What?

I don't know what that is. Proudabant is this big sort of glamorous cabaret club. I don't think it's there anymore. Is it London? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, um, it was Proud Embankment, which is like, I think, it's a big gay cabaret bar basically.

And it was hosting with this. The Young Pension Awards. Try and make sense of that. Because I certainly didn't have anything to say about it. The Young Pensions, please. Yeah, I don't know what that meant. I think it's young people who work in pensions. I should know this by now, given the gig was 10 years ago.

I still haven't done the research. But my dressing room was just like kind of this windowless tiny box room. And yeah, and that was it. And it was not one of those corporates where they put you up in a fancy hotel or anything like that. It was like just go in there for five hours and just wait. But when we did it, we did the rehearsal. For some reason, Arge from the only way as Essex was in the venue because he was playing the venue in like a month.

Singing. He was like singing doing a sound check. Yeah. And then he just went and sat in my dressing room with like his entourage. But he wasn't even playing that night. He was just like, and he wouldn't get out. And so I had to get like stuff from the venue to be like, can you leave? Because this is, I'd like, I'd like ask.

And they were just like, now we're just going to be here from it. And I was like, I can't believe him getting bullied by artists. It's pathetic. It's pathetic. So anyway, eventually he leaves. But this sort of starts the day off on quite a bad note. So then he leaves. And then I'm sat in the dressing room.

And normally I would just chill out in whatever they've got in the fancy hotel and just wait there. Because it was so, it was just a horrible tiny room. I went out for dinner and came back. And by the time I came back, in the room, they were like ring dancers suspended from the ceiling. Like dancing in rings above the young pension awards. Right? And they were like, so they're like basically naked. They're just like in like bikini type clothes and they're just like floating around doing all this shit while they all have dinner below them.

And I go into my dressing room. And I realize from all the feather boas and sushi that are around, that I'm obviously sharing this dressing room with said ring dancers. So I sit there. It's tiny this place. I'm trying to write a set about young pensions or whatever. They eventually both come back in and they're just like, oh, hi. And then they go and sit over here and I'm just like in this bit like, yeah.

And I'm like typing away. Then these two ring dancers loudly have a conversation about how they both currently have mumps. Right. I had no. When you started talking, I was like, how is this relevant? What about moms? Right.

Oh my God. Yeah. That's what, and so I'm immediately texting my mom, like, have I had the MMR vaccine? Because I'm in a windowless box room with two naked ring dancers who currently have mumps, who just, by the way, performed suspended above an entire party. Have all in your pensioners? That's a good phone. Chemical warfare.

Yeah, yeah. Release the ring dancers. These pensioners are getting too young. Oh, my God. Yeah. Shield the vulnerable. So I'm not. I'm doing that. I can't get any signal because I'm in an airlock room with these fucking,

they eventually like pack up their feather bowers and leave. That's so far. I then go into the, there's a little bathroom bit of this and I just go in there. Then I'm going to come out. I've got to get changed into my suit and then go on. Do you find a mump? I wish. What happened when I came out is there was just someone, one of the patrons of the party, one of the people who was up for an award, was just now in my dressing room, breastfeeding. And I was like, don't do that in it. It's mumps in here. Of all the places.

Is that where your baby's had a vaccination yet? There's not mumps in it yet. Absolutely dreadful, really awkward. I come out, she was like, they said I could do it in here. Did you tell her about the mumps? Do you not want to worry? I was like, I'll be honest, the conversation we had was quite awkward already. Someone is openly breastfeeding that I've never met in front of me.

Lisa, I'm just going to put this out here. I don't think that was your dressing room, pal. I'm being honest with you. It was arges. I don't think you had a dressing room. I don't think you had a dressing room. No, do you think I didn't even have. You had a communal area that they had told you for equal purposes that that was your destiny.

Like I kick off, yeah. But what I'm going to have to Google mumps after this? I didn't get mumps, so I must have to be vaccinated against mumps. I think you must have to be quite close. I was quite close. Apologies to the mump community. No, actually. I don't apologize to the mump community.

They're having a really hard day in a minute. Because of our ignorance towards mumps. But I know about measles and rebella. I've got a worst dressing room corporate. story than that. But it's not my story. It's Carl Hutchinson's story, but I'm sure he's told it on his podcast. I don't know if I've told you before, Rosie. Stealing material. No, this is just

something Carl's told us. Are you aware of when he was doing a gig somewhere and there was a, the venue was a strip club afterwards? Oh, no. My God. Because he's told me this so many times. He was just like going through his notes ready to go on

and there was a male stripper there next to him, watching Paul on his phone just getting himself gig ready. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's so good. Carl got an email after the gig saying like, was everything all right?

And he's like, no, actually, everything wasn't all right. And he searched the email. He showed us it and he sent items. It wasn't all right. It wasn't all right. There was a male stripper. Oh, my God. His exact words in the email were, woman, he's novel.

Oh my God Oh no Also gutting for any like you know Female visitors to strip clubs Who want to see male strippers Knowing that that's actually fake Yeah yeah Oh yeah no it's not

He's not excited to see you Yeah yeah Well fluffers He's putting fluffers out Is his own fluff Is his own fluffer See if a few quit there Did Carl manage to see what he was watching

Specifically I've got no idea Because if I'm Carl Yeah yeah I'm livid But I'm fine to go Yeah yeah What are the professionals watch

Yeah Yeah He's a real strippers stripper. Yeah. I get the good stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's, that's porn hook pro. It's when someone goes, you're a comedian, what makes you laugh?

And then you say, like, really niche comedian. It's like a character. They're watching, like, really weird clown porn. It's just a bit different. We've seen all the hack stuff, you know? The thing is, if you watch normal porn, I just know where it's going. You know, I just sort of, you can see, like, the joins a little bit. It's at a busman's holiday, if I'm honestly.

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Together, let's give it to them. Visit edc.ca to learn more. Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo. Sorry, dead quick. Oh, yeah. Is there another weird one on there? Just another weird one that I need. You used to go home from sixth form and have facacia with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and watch flight of the concords.

Yeah, this isn't off menu. We're from different worlds. Yeah, not every day, but most days. Describe yourself as a sparrow? No, well, I've been described as a sparrow. There was a period where I looked very bird-like. And I would be described as a sparrow by, it started by, do you remember comedy promoter, Corey Shaw?

Yes. Used to work for Chortle. Yes, I know, Corrie. would always call me Sparrow and then that caught on. There it is. For a fringe, yeah, I was known as Sparrow. There is a bird like is a thing. Yeah, quite bird-like.

Tom Rorsenthal, very bird-like. Yeah, but also sounds very bird-like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Says squeaky guy. But I think it'll have a thing around because at the minute isn't the rat look really in with the men. Yeah, sure. So your time will come, the bird-lock. Yeah, what is it.

That is the worst compliment. No, but it is true. It's a big thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? Rat boys, Brat boys summer. I think Rat Boy Summer's out. I think that was a couple of summers ago, sadly.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm still behind the time. They say it's a Rat Boy Summer. It wasn't a Rat Summer. There was that as well. That was that as well. That's very different. Right, explain Rat Boy.

Just so very quickly a couple of people, I think the main guy in the Bay, he's a bit rat looking. Yeah, you're Josh O'Connor's, you're Timothy Shalamey's. You know, this sort of like slightly ratty features, rather than like a hunky jock look, it was like the ratty facial features. Chris doesn't look. I'm saying bird. I think... Bird.

Give bird. Bird boy summer. Sparrow summer. Sparrow summer comes in. I'm going to clean up. It's going to be spring in it. It's going to be Sparrow spring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The sparrows are out. Listen, the sparrows are out. And it's just me doing standard. I'm just trying to think what you look like. I don't want to fucking know. No, you're like a little pug-ish, like little pug. Fuck you. No, in a nice way.

Like, you look like a German chef. You don't got a... You can't go out. I'm so, guys, I'm so in bread. I'm cross-eyed, I can't go up hills. No, if there's an animal, I'd say you're like a dog. Right. In a way, just to go back to sort of internet lingo,

in a golden retriever kind of way, do you think you have a golden retriever husband? Yeah, yes. You're a green flag. A green flag? Yes. You're a green flag. He shakes his chimney sweep feet before he gets into bed.

He does. He's delicious. You're a little green flag. Alsatian autumn. I'll say you're a little green flag. Something like that. Yeah, yeah. Your time will come.

Don't you worry. Right, okay, let's do this. Rat boy summer. It's got to come back. I'll show you, there was an article online, actually. I fucking hate it. I feel a thousand years old. I'm cold.

I'm confused. I want to go home. Your young listeners, though, do you have them? Yeah. Do you? We do. We go all the ages. All the ages.

All the ages. We span the decades. Me too. I do the young pension awards. I'm covering both. Okay, fine. Your young listeners will also be thinking that you sound a thousand years old because Ratboy Somers out.

That was ages ago. Oh, God. He has me thinking it was literally... Just about your rings, the people doing the rings. I just remember, I did a corporate once. I've told you this. Yeah, you've told... Camden Roundhouse.

Oh, yeah. Camden Roundhouse. Tough venue, very high ceilings. Concrete floor. They had silks on beforehand. Now, the silks are like the rings, but they're the ones that are just on a big ribbon. Oh, fuck me. And they do that bit at the end where they roll themselves up like a roller blind and they

come down and they stop just before the floor. One of them didn't stop. So I'm talking 25. 30, 40 feet from the top of the thing. Yeah, that was my next question. Cracked her head open, broke a collarbone and a wrist or something, literally smashed into the floor. I wasn't reduced as the very funny comedian Chris Ramsey

while someone was wiping our blood off the floor with a towel. Great. Oh my God. What is your opener there? It was a blur. Welcome to the Health and Safety Awards. It was a blur. And they said, can you just assure everyone,

on that just okay and that the exact line they gave us was you don't get as good as she as doing that without hurting yourself a few times. She's an athlete she's done it. She's probably her so she'll be absolutely fine kind of thing. I had to do it. It was horrible. She was carried back backstage like she'd been hit by a car.

And walk past us and I went on and I could see someone just wiping her blood up and people were just like they were eating that stopped eating. People were fucking standing people were crying. I was like so the other day right? Yeah, yeah. So my wife. You're on a bus. Over here guys. Over here.

And then I remember doing 10 minutes of the worst stand-up I've ever done, like the worst crowd, the worst setting, you know, it was always stand-up. Yeah. The worst setting. And then literally like, okay, award number one of 35, how to do the full awards as well. It was rock. It must have looked like when you let go of a toilet roll. It's exactly what it looked like.

Yeah. The noise. The fucking noise. Crazy. Oh, God. So there you go. So you read a little story. Okay.

So let's do this story then. If I brought this here. Jesus Christ. And now can we get to the crux of the thing? want to read my little story. Yes. That's why I've come here. Okay, dear Chris and Rosie,

please keep me anonymous for the sake of my professional registration. Oh. And also because I never want this woman finding me again. I work in oral and maxillofacial surgery. Ooh. You heard of that?

No. Is that when they put the fingers in your mouth? You're not frigid at all. My God. How dare I? Yeah, you pick your wrong slag. There's a problem we've got, by the way. it. She says, freely uses the word slag so much that sometimes I accidentally use it when

I'm not with her and get some weird looks. Yeah, you're not allowed. It's slag out. It's slag out. For women it's in, but I don't think men are allowed. But now and then I'll be like, oh, slag and I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm not with Rosie. I can't, I kind of get a buy when I'm Rosie. I get, I get allowed to see it. You need a whole pass. My mom says I'm allowed to say slag actually. Wow. Okay. So it says, so think facial trauma abscesses and a staggering number of drunk people knocking their own teeth out. All right, okay, nice. But it is kind of what we've been discussing this whole episode.

I'm not my tooth out, 18, drunk. Yeah, really? I did it twice then. I did it again when I was 24. Did you go, what happened? I just went the dentist. And did you, they put that, was that tooth smashed or did they give you a fake? I got a feeling.

If you look really closely, you can tell. Yeah. Look closing. When you both in the toilet after this and she's giving you a foot in mouth, you have a good look. Oh yeah, when I'm doing your hand foot and mouth. When I'm doing your hand foot and mouth, listen, what a phrase. What a phrase, dude.

I went the dentist just the other day. I couldn't believe the other day. And I had to have a nerve test because he's like, yeah, it's going a bit gray. I was like, great. It's going a bit gray. It's going a bit gray. It's still alive. It's still alive.

No, it's still hanging in there. Two decades later. You can, it's when there's certain light isn't there if you're like in a nightclub. And then it's like the black. And you smile and then one of them's white. Yeah, half of it. It's all the other way around. I don't know.

Right. Sorry. Trauma. Trauma. Okay. Anyway, yeah. After five years of blood. blood, pass and chaos, I thought I'd seen it all. I had not. Last summer, I was running a clinic

seeing new GP referrals. In walks, this lovely lady, and I start taking a history. She tells me she has a partial upper denture. Here we go. One where you still have some of your own teeth, so it just fills the gaps. So she's got that, but hasn't seen a dentist in ages. During this time, one of her front teeth has fallen out. Now, most people in this situation have two options, go to a dentist like a normal human being, or accept the gap and do nothing about it. I know exactly what happened here. This is horrible.

This lady chose the secret third option and went for, go feral and take matters into her own hands. She proudly tells me she sorted it herself and removes her denture to show me her handiwork. At this point, I'm expecting maybe a bit of dodgy glue, some chewing gum. No. She had,

I'd like to invite guesses Oh, that was me guess I thought she'd glued it I thought she'd glued the other tooth to the denture but it's not glue It's something else Not glue, it's not chewing gun Oh

So what she's done is So she's got this palette It's like a like a bracelet But it's got the tooth That was there by the dentist Now she's just not another tooth out So my thought was I went

She's just glued it to the thing But she hasn't just glued She's done something else But I think Is she put a bit a mug What a great shout That is a bit of mug A bit of a little second

A bit of a model. Put like with a logo on it. Knock the what. World's best. Happy mother's tea. Wow. Dishwash I see. The little dishwash I see of normal.

Yeah. Sports direct. Fucking hell is a big two. So it's not that though. It's not that. It's not a bit of mug. Okay. What is it?

Because I thought you just glued the extra tooth to which I hasn't. This woman... You're going to lose your mind especially. This woman had grown out one of her fingernails to tooth length. Off. Cut it off and super glued it onto her denture to replace the missing tooth. She had made a nail tooth. Safe to say, I'll never complain about a slightly dodgy denture again.

That is so inconsistent, though. Like, the feeling you get on your tongue of your tooth behind is like... That should have been better off doing a mug? A mug is the right... Just the handle. Just the handle of a white, white mug. Holy shit. Yeah, a little bit, you know, a little bit of curve in it. A little bit of curving it for you.

I'm not going. I'm just a handle. Handle. Handle's the most rogued out of my fucking noise. I was thinking a chip. Yeah, a little chimp is way too thick. I don't think I think. Too big. The full handles coming down.

Not what I'm imagining now. Like one of them goats where their horn grows into their eye. That is upset me so much. What you're feeling in your mouth is, that must be a fucking male. I wouldn't have a bit of tongue in that. I would have ulcers on the ear on me tongue. Yeah. What if you bite your nails?

You're constantly biting your own tooth off. With your teeth. We've had some wild stuff on here and that is up there. That's crazy. Also, you definitely notice looking at this when they smile. It's going to look like a little. It's like a little cap, like a little pink of a cap. Yeah, right.

So there's a white bit at the bottom, you mean? Oh, yeah. In their defense? White nail polish or? Well, it's part of their... It's got to be right because it doesn't look. A nail doesn't look. I've never looked at my nails and gone and thought they look like it.

No. Mine are like yellow, they're disgusting. She's buzzing about it as well. But it is part of our body, I suppose. Just thought like recycle, reuse whatever. And you can paint it any colour as well. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, definitely.

Gold. Yeah, New Year's Eve, put a gold or silver. Yeah, yeah. Get lit there for Christmas, yeah. I suppose that must have metal grills. No, we can't defend this. I'm not having it. We're trying to be nice here, just in case.

How are you biting down on anything? You're taking it out of eat. You can't eat that. You've got to take it out of eat. You take them out of eat anyway. Do you have a sandwich. It's going to get all behind it. Yeah.

But yeah, that's... This has been really nice. It's been so lovely to say, you know. What a pleasure. We've got to go. This is actually... It's been very... Yeah, there's been a lot of medical trauma. There's been heads cracking open.

Well, you've got a theme. See, you can write to a theme. Don't worry about it. There we go. That's all I can do. That's the problem. I can't write not to a theme. If you say crack your head open,

and I'll talk for an hour. Yeah. If you go, speak about what you want, I go, uh, don't know. But your tour is called chop logic. Yeah. Why? Chop logic is an old phrase that means

basically taking the bits of an argument that help you. Nice. And just sort of like manipulating an argument around. So just not giving everything out. But also, there's quite a big bit about haircuts in it. So I thought it's quite satisfying. I've got a big bit about Turkish barbershops, basically. Brilliant.

And how we can use the logic of Turkish barbershops to basically fix the country. Right. Okay. But I can't give any more away because it's the best joke in the show. It's the only good joke in the show. We'll give all your theory on the Turkey circular economy. So I can't say it yet. But that is sort of like I thought

maybe that's a bit satisfying because Chop, no one's going to make that connection at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to come up with the title and I didn't want to do 2020. Never name it up for the year. Never name it up for the year.

Never, never, never, never, never. Very silly. Very silly. ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what-if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca.