Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous With Russell Howard

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

On Please Keep Me Anonymous this week Chris and Rosie are joined by super star comedian Russell Howard! As well as reading one of your weird and wonderful stories, Russell talks about life as a new Dad, stand up on less sleep and what his new Tour 'Don't tell the Algorithm' is all about! Plus Russell talks about his own podcast 'Russell Howard's Five Beautiful Things' For tickets to Russell's Tour visit russell-howard.co.uk Find 'Russell Howard's 5 Beautiful Things' wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit Ancestry.ca slash new year for more details. Terms apply. You are about to listen to us having a lovely little chat with a very, very famous British stand-up comedian, Russell Howard. Yeah, I mean, genuinely, bit of a hero mind from back the day. When I first started stand-up, I would watch Russell. I tried not to tell him too much when I see him. I think I told him back in the day.

I think I'm about to freak him out years ago. It's funny, though, because he seems like he's been around for a long time, but he's not that much older than us. In reality, he's not. I'm telling you that there's something going on. There's a painting in his loft, which is absolutely. because he is he's made a deal with a devil that kid. Again, I didn't want to say him on the day.

He looked amazing. I don't know what he's doing like, I need a secret of him. We chat to him about loads of stuff. It's really, really interesting chat. He's an interesting guy. He is. We chat about parenthood, sleepless nights because he's just had a young one.

That's why he looks so pretty cool. Come on. We'll check back in with him before you. Yeah, exactly. If you want to listen to talk about comedy stuff. Oh, wow. Wow. Too comedians. We're talked about the process of writing.

With touch on that. He's a very purest stand-up. He loves the art form of stand-up. You cut him and he bleeds comedy, I'll tell you that. And he's on tour from January next year with his show, Don't Tell the Algorithm. Love that title. For tickets, russell-dash-hauer.com.

In new episodes of Russell's podcast, Russell Howard's Five Brilliant Things, are released every Wednesday, and you can find it wherever you get your podcasts. Sorry, I'm not that'll have. Where are? Fucking hell, it's supposed to be short and professional. You can find it wherever you get your podcasts.

You still do it? What am I doing? Doesn't matter. Am I swallowing there ever? You can find it wherever. I can't see it. You can find it on all your good podcast shops. There you are.

Fuck everyone. Enjoy. We had a fight about the jingle and set along a jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Hello, you're listening to Shad Margino.

Please keep me anonymous with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello and we are joined on this episode by The One The Only, it's Russell Howard, everyone. Hey, Russell. Hi. Hello, hello. Hi. Are you Christopher around the house?

Oh. Did you just Christopher me? Yeah, I did. That's really weird. I didn't even know I'd done it then, actually. You really luxuriated in it. And my husband, Christopher. And I was like, interesting.

I wondered if it was Christopher when he was being told off. Yeah, I felt like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Christopher because you were in love. Oh. You kind of had that vibe. Did it? Oh, Christopher.

Well, let's go with that one. Wait a God, if you shouted Christopher in the throes of passion, I would go immediately floppy. Immediate flop. We don't need Chris to answer to anything else in our house anymore because any time I shout a kid's name, Chris thinks that I'm talking to him and it drives his mad. Any noise?

Rief and Chris would be like, what do you want? Has this always been a problem? Because you must have found registers at school tricky. Just like, me, yep, present. I'm here. That's all about Chris. I don't quite understand. So what is that, is it the, is it your tone?

And you hear it like, you hear in Chris? Because they're. Yeah, she's just wheels. You just wheel in it, yeah. But I think it's causing the house. I feel like I need to be across everything. Right. They just shout with the kids, but I'm like,

well, I can sort this. What do you need? Oh, I see. I see. He might all managers. So you're kind of like, you're the manager. You're the assistant coach. Yeah, yeah.

That kind of feels like as soon as the manager's that's talking, you've also got to get on the touchline. Yeah. and show the kids that you're part of the team. Yeah, yeah. That's so fucking accurate. It's actually hurt. I'm actually really pissed off about that.

Well, you do try. But that's what it is. That's what it has been, particularly when, so my son is 15 months old and you realize that your role now is sort of sous chef to the main cook.

Do you know what I mean? And it's just your job to, cup of tea. Do you want a cup of tea? Would you look at cup of tea? While you do everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While you, you know, creates, give birth and feed.

Cup of tea? Cup of two. I like how quickly you've realised that as well though. So it takes as some people take it. I don't think, yeah, it took me more than 18 months. Last I haven't realised it. But then also the great thing we have as dads is you have, like there's such a little expectation of us.

So you do something, right? The other day my wife was asleep in a, in the hotel with my son. And I nipped out to get some bread to make sandwiches for my son on the train to go home. Yeah, but that's nothing. And your face, but into your face went, oh my God, and all I did was make a sandwich

and yet suddenly I'm a good guy. Yeah, they had a fucking come on you and back about it, did it? Oh, I know. Yeah, come on the big look. But in the grand scheme of things,

I've done fuck or what, I've made a sandwich. Chris has never made something. You've called some bothering my house as what you've done. Apologies. Oh, no, my mom, my mom worships the ground

that Chris walks on. He thinks he's like the best dad in the world. Fantastic. It's just great. I think it's because my dad wasn't, oh, no, I love my. my dad to pieces. I adore him, but he wasn't like, he wasn't a very modern dad, like what

dads are now. And so Chris can do the slightly tiniest thing. And my mom's like, he's great. It's so, it's so fascinating when you sort of compare, you know, your sort of parenting style to your kids, certain to your folks. And when they just give away something, like my dad said, well, my son was born, he went, incredible, isn't it? You know, I remember when you were born, I never felt love like it. And you're like, well, you kept that crying. He was so indifferent to me. He was so indifferent to me, I became a comedian. So, so, where's this been? But it's like, waited

after 45 years to go, oh, so love you. You know. But it's great that you get in with you. I get on really well with my mother-in-law as well. I'm just saying, I love her. To the point of way, when Rosie, you'll try to slag her off to me, I'm like, you're bottom of the wrong tree. You are bart on the wrong tree. I will not have a bad word said against that woman.

Yeah. That's very nice. To the point of way, if we ever watch your beef section on the podcast, and the other week, I started having to go at Rosie. I was saying yours do. yours do scramble eggs and you leave the pan and it's always stuck you use the wrong pan for scrumble legs she went I don't make scrum legs I went oh is your ma'am I just fine then I don't care the only issue I have with my my inlaw is that she she's got a t-shirt of mine that

she hates so whenever she comes around to stay she'll hide it what you mean I'll try and find my t-shirts a Barbados t-shirt with lots of rips in and she doesn't like it so she just puts it in different areas of the house yeah she goes into your wardrobe and hides a t-shirt. This is my theory. The other theory is I've lost it and I'm a movie. But I've said to my wife, your mom's been in there.

My wife is doing what you both did. Okay, so she's gone in our covers, found your special t-shirt and hid it from you, has she? But I'm convinced she has. I think you might have lost it. I really do. That's what happens, though, eh? I'm sort of surviving on three-hour sleep.

And it makes gigs so much fun because there's that, the thrill that you could have a breakdown. and then the audience because the audience who doesn't want that but who doesn't want that you know what I mean

it's like was he funny yeah he was great versus no he wrote help me in his own shit like that's the story do you know what I mean you kind of I didn't even if you found that when you were working

it's sort of but that level of kind of like treadmill fatigue where you're you know it's so brilliant and I love being a parent but you're suddenly kind of so broke because we've been standups forever

so we've been able to indulge we've slept like teenagers until we're 45 and then suddenly you got to get up at six because someone's going daddy oh my god of course it's the best thing in the world and yet at three in the morning it's tough to hear he did it to me this morning we went in the hotel this morning no no no not far off you we woke up what was it half was it seven o'clock half by seven the alarm went off which is a lion for us and that was a lion and he just looked at me

and he went can I go downstairs and I literally was like because the kids straight way come go downstairs I turned on my car Shut up. So, oh, with the kids, were you all in the room together? No, they don't come to London. No, God, they don't come to London. Oh, you're mad. This is our time.

Look at that. You were so united then, straight away. They don't come to London. We don't bring them to work. I couldn't concentrate. There's loads of people in this industry and they're just like, yeah, my kids are in the dressing room. And I'm like, oh, I'd be.

And I get it, and I think it's great. And I think it's wonderful. But I would just be on edge. I remember doing, and it's not comparable, but I remember doing a gig once in Stockton. And my dog was in the dress room. I just couldn't concentrate. fucking knew you were going to say a dog.

In my head, I'm going, I was trying to concentrate and I'm going, he's savage somebody. Like, not he would ever do that. But you know, when your brain has just gone to that point, I could see him like with his jaws around someone's friends. I think exactly the same about our kids. I think they've savaged someone. Exactly.

They're pissed in every corner. You've just done that thing, where, you know, when you're talking to someone, you've got kids and you talk to someone who hasn't got kids, but they go, oh, no, I know the love you feel because I've got the, I've got a dog. And you go, I'm over the moon fire that you love your dog. But it's fucking so different.

I can't believe how different it is. It's the best thing ever. It is. It's a best thing. Congratulations, by the way. Yeah, congratulations by the way. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you talk about in your stand-up and stuff? Yeah. Kind of, I sort of, I find it, I do, but I kind of want it, it's that tricky thing because it's a bit like explaining what your tattoo means. No one gives a shit.

Like, do you know what I mean? You know what someone says, do you want to know what it means? He's like, no. You should know and I don't care. You know. So you sort of, I feel like you have to be quite, sort of picky as to the stuff you talk about. And it feels like everything's been chatting about.

So I kind of, agree. I've zoned in on certain things. I go, I don't feel like I've heard this. And I also don't want to kind of misrepresent him. And I'm quite protective. We're not kind of giving his name out and all this sort of stuff.

I just, yeah, but he's, I find him so funny, but then I'm aware that that wouldn't be hilarious for everyone. But it's that incredible feeling of like, all the cliches are true. like he's sort of learning the walk of the minute

and he's got this kind of lion trolley thing that he kind of pushes along and sort of just pushing the line he's got a really serious face for he doing it and he just looks up at me and my wife were on the sofa going yeah yeah yeah and he just waved at us and he's got no idea that he's given us a memory

that we will never forget and he was so sort of cosmically lovely and it went right into our souls and hearts but if you talk about that on stage people like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you're some waved out you and did he shit his pants like you know what I mean it sort of so you're trying to weigh that up where you're not you don't want to gloss over the truth to get to the gag yeah when I when I had when I were our first son I thought oh yeah I'll get oh I'll get loads of material and then you go it's like um that's like saying I'll go to the airport and I'll get loads of material it's been fucking done the traveling's been done the airport's been done having kids be done so you've got to wait until they've got specific things that only happen to you do you know what I mean like That's exactly it is so funny, but nobody wants to go,

you're going on a plane. What is the deal with airline food? It's like, yeah. But it's that funny thing where, because we have a similar sort of stand-up style, it's that thing where it's sort of, you know, a mixture of like things that happen to you and sort of ideas and whatever,

did you ever find yourself doing stuff deliberately putting yourself in harm's way so stuff would happen so you have, yeah, it's so funny, is it? When skydiving twice, it's dog shit. Yeah. That's the funny thing. When you do something in your life

that's actually fun, and then you come away from going, I've got nothing from that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Other than pure enjoyment in my actual self. I did it. I did it the second time. I did it the first time. I wrote routine about it.

Someone went, you should have filmed that. I did the second time and filmed it. Wow. So the story came from the second time. Yeah, that was the show. That was when we first started going out. I dated a guitarist once and used to write songs. Right.

It was so dramatic. He was so, so the drama. And I was like, you just want a song. Yeah. He just lived this dramatic life just so he could write about That's so... Honestly, I don't think you were like that though. I used to be like I was stand-up.

I really did. I used to be like I would go and go, this will be a thing and never is. Oh, the drama. So dramatic. Was, when you're kind of like, and sorry to go into old relationships, Chris. No, no, no, we're fine.

Good, good, good. Did you ever try... No, no, no, no, no. I'm on about this good time. Oh, sorry, on my ex. No, he's going to ask us about me exes and I'll tell you right now, yes, I miss them all, do you?

Stop, yeah, go on. Did you ever try and get in any of the songs? Did you ever try and harmonise or sort of, because that would be the thing. I've got a mate of mine as a musician. And I'm, like, I think every kind of comic, you were always like secretly. I think I could write a lyrical too.

And I've sort of hung out with him and just like, I've dropped so many hints to go, yeah, you know. And he couldn't be further away from fuck off. But did you ever do that? Did you ever try and like, or did you find yourself in the part of the relationship where you'd had like something dramatic had happened

thinking this is going to be a song? So, no, I don't know. And similarly, have you had that with Christopher and stand up? Okay, so more so with the latter. I know when Chris is, I know when something funny happens in our life and you'll get his phone out and we'll lose him for 10 minutes because he's writing it down. I love that.

It's like, you know, Halliberry and X-Men, my eyes go all kind of one. Like that. Sort of like that. What reference? Something terrible's happening in your life. No, we'll lose him. But then what happens?

And this is, and you've got better at it and I think I've just learned it like to deal with it we'll go to a party or for the next month especially when you're about going to her you'll just tell the same story

over and over again to say you forget to laugh and that's something I had to learn to just live with about being with the comedians because you'd be like well and then when I said it I was like you're just telling the same story

and you'd be like well yeah I need to know if it's funny before I actually refining it on these people put my friends these are my audience yeah but that never happened with the musician sadly. Well, weirdly, that's happened to me once,

the musician thing. I was sitting talking to Ed Sheer. You were sitting on the dock of the bike. I was sitting talking to Ed Sheerun about having kids. Well, no, I was sitting talking about having kids. And I told him something that someone had told me about, I think the exact thing I said was having a kid, it's like, someone said it was that,

it's like your heart's outside of your chest walking around in the world. Yes. And he went, oh, I'm going to write it down. And he got, fucking Ed Sheeran. get his iPad and he writes the lyric down and I'm like I'm getting high and I've never heard that in any of his fucking song

since and I've listened intently so we're going to get him on here soon I'm going to have a go out of him for it because I'm telling you what honestly it was... It wasn't even your thing though but I was just like oh and then I was like I want to have my name will be on the album and write and crap like it didn't even use it I remember Jimmy Carr like has a co-writing

credit on Robbie Williams's last album really? Wild yeah he was he was sort of telling me about, yeah, you know, it was just in the studio, just kicking a few ideas around. What? He's got the maddest life. But that's what I mean? Yeah, but I was like, how does that happen? Oh, you know, just things.

So what do you mean, just things? How does it happen? But, yeah, crazy. Sorry, I read an email for this interview. Wasn't it at a Jimmy Car Party, you got mistaken by staff by Andrew Lloyd Weber or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I read that in the car this one other way. What was that?

So Andrew Lloyd Weber was at Jimmy's house and Jimmy was having one of his mad parties. and he said, can I have a look upstairs? Because he just presumed I was staff. And I was like, yeah, not yourself out, that. And then Jimmy was like, have you seen Andrew? I said, yeah, I think he's in your bedroom.

Just have a little wonder. But, yeah, as if you're going to give up that opportunity just to kind of see what's up at the top deck. That's great. We were at a party recently. That was like, that's the only time I really see you two. We sort of, we're with the same agency. We're normally at parties.

And the last one were at, They're always kind of quite kind of erotic, I would say. It's spicy. But there was a, there was a burlesque performance which is such a lovely middle class word

for Titcho. Do you know what I mean? It was a stripper, yeah, I missed that. Yeah, well, I was talking to my wife and all this kind of hullabaloo was going, and I was watching the audience watched the burlesque.

It was fantastic. Just people go, oh, like that. My wife's like, do you want to look? No, no, no, I'm fine,

just going to have a chance. out with you. Babadoo, babado, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo bab. I've got a question that I asked Joanne McNally earlier on. Okay. And it's funny because with you just having a child, you might have changed your opinion on this to when, before you had a child. Right. If you were in a zombie apocalypse, would you want to survive or would you want to just die? Oh, I'd want to survive. Oh my God. All these survivors. What, you're just going to like lie over and let them, let I always feel like I have to explain the concept here. I just don't want to live.

Like, it would be awful. You'd be constantly looking over your shoulder. You'd have to just... I mean, you know, I've been a stand-up for 22 years. So it's a similar thing of like, they're going to find out they're going to get me. I've been living quite a flight for many years. You're going to have your kid with you. You're going to have to keep them quiet all the time.

Yeah, it's going to be doing. I'm not going to say it's going to be an easy life. Yeah. But, yeah, I think faced against just being munched to death. Right. And then becoming a zombie. Because that's the thing, isn't it? No, because if you do yourself a way,

in the right way, you wouldn't become a zombie. So you would just... Got to be the head. Okay. Got to be the head. But what if just at that moment, you shoot yourself on the head, let's say, and you just out of the corner

of this tiny membrane of yourself, you hear somebody going, I found the cure, like that, and you're like, do off. It would just, that would be the risk. What if you sort of can hang in there for like a week or a year or whatever? and then before you know it,

you kind of get to reform society. Nah. No, not me. She's honestly, like, such a quitter. When we watch anything, such a quitter. Really? What did you mean? Like, okay.

Water dead, Amy right out, where the... I'll ask you a current question. Are you watching the TV show Traitors? I've seen all of the kind of punter ones and I'm on the episode one of the celebrity one. It's phenomenal. Yeah. It's so, I mean, we all knew Alan Carr was funny.

He's, you forget, he's the funniest man in the world. He's so funny. Yes. Would you be a traitor or a faithful to both of you? I'd want to be a traitor. Yeah, I'd be a faithful. I just...

No, you couldn't... What? You couldn't be a traitor? Nah, because you have to... You've just got a lie. But you're lying for a reason. It's not like you're a liar. Would you do... I see I'm such a competitive...

So my wife is like nobody could ever see the real sort of side of you, which is like I like to kind of win at stuff and then it would just be like, he's a bit of a dick. Do you know what I mean? It's that fear of people going... I like me on stage, but then when people meet the actual years.

That's why I wouldn't ever do the jungle. People ask me all the time, would you do the jungle? I say no. Because the whole country would go, he is a miserable, winging, boring wanker. Yeah. That's my getting found out. But because...

Yeah. But who isn't? Like, if you're starved and you're hanging out with... Yeah. It's that as well. It's the fur. You see them sitting around on the hammocks talking fucking bollocks. And it's that weird feeling of, like, having a shower

knowing the nation is watching. I remember having a shower in Thailand once and I looked out of the window and there was a monkey masturbating and that was strange. But if you're on ITV and the entire nation is kind of watching you wash,

it must be a really weird feeling. Do you know what I mean? Everyone's seen Joel's nipples and other bits. You sort of forget that would be very strange just that thing of like, oh, I'm going to have to have a wash because I'm stinking and yet

you know, five billion people are watching you. And you are starving as well. I couldn't do without, I need to eat. I would just, I would faint me. Yeah. But that meal after the jungle must be seventh heaven. Like, do you know what I mean?

I'd be ill. If you get voted out early and then, you know, you meet up with your family and you just get to hang out in a hotel for like six weeks in Australia. Yeah, the nice hotel, isn't it? Yeah. Is it? Apparently. Would you do it? No.

No. I think I would, I've always said I would really miss my kids. I hate being away from my kids for too long. I just don't, I can't cope. And I would be a mess. Yeah, but also it's all that thing of it, if you've managed to carve out this thing that is where you're kind of like,

not to sound too wanky, but you're being your kind of funny, authentic self, it's quite hard to then kind of slip into a format and go, I don't feel like me. Yeah, do you know what I mean? And it's kind of that awkward. I've been doing stand up for so long now.

Yeah, that's it. You suddenly go, God, I should be able to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For whatever reason, I'm kind of nervy and odds. Well, most comedians are. Yeah. Yeah, we're not normal. Like, we're not normal.

Do you all public think we'd be amazing to go out and a night out with them, we're not. Well, it's because the problem as well is that arrogance and shyness look the same. So it's this weird thing of, like, if you're kind of like quiet in the room, yeah. People are sort of making a guess as to what you're, you know, is he arrogant? And then if the thing, if you're a stand-up

or if you're off to tell you, the thing, oh, well, it can't be shyness. It must be arrogance. You came off as like an, like, a boy. A lot of people thought I was, a lot of people thought I was Jack the lad. But then at home. You were sitting doing boxes of Lego and, like, playing a yo-yo.

A great-a-yo? Great-a-Yo-you. Yeah, oh, God, looks a yo-yo. Great-and-a-yo. Oh, you've got no idea. The hobbies, Russell. That's a great couple of hobbies, though. Oh.

Can your kids yo-yo? Not yet. Not yet. Okay. Honestly, so badly that there might not be mine. Right. Robin is very similar to you. I think he loves a skateboarding and stuff.

Yeah, he'll be like you. Oh, great. Yeah, definitely. It riffs me, I think. Musical theatre kid. Yeah. Yeah. Were you into musical theatre then?

No, no, no, she is. Oh, wow. Big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do it? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah, loved it.

Everything. I did, like, Amdram as a kid. Lovely. And then I was a blue court for a point in. Yeah. How about? Uh-huh. Whereabouts?

Uh-huh. Where about it? Where's that? Wow. Mm-hmm. So what made you go from, I presume you're from Newcastle. Yeah. So, what, that's a change.

Just got a job. Yeah, so you're a job. Yeah, so you're all right. There it is. Oh my good, it was lovely, my darling. But in it? But the West country, it's sort of funny, hey? It's sort of got that there's, I don't know,

that part of the world is just so, I don't know. It was so late back. Yeah, exactly. It was gorgeous and everyone, but in there were like, you're right, my darling, because I was only 18 and I was all the way from home. Wow. Yeah, I was 18.

They really looked after us, actually. And then, yeah. God, you must have felt electric. Being 18 and suddenly having like, right, you're on stage every night. Yeah. Peer was shit. Was it?

Peer was dire. Yeah, but who cares when you're 18? Because you're gigging. Like, what you're doing? Yeah. You know what I mean? I was singing in the shows. Yeah.

Dressing as the characters. And then I did a tour in cabaret band. Then I did pant-or. And yeah, I think I've had... Did you get access to the buffet? What are we doing with? What do you get when you do that? I just don't know what food you got when you're a blue cat.

Well, I just want to know. Like, do they're like ration you or are you allowed to eat with everyone else? We were allowed to eat with everyone else. Oh, that's tense. The kids really loved it. We ate in the restaurant, but then we had our own chalet where we could cook our own meals, which was nice, independent, eating.

A lot of, like, jack-or-paterals and souvenirables. We ever done a corporate where the teller you can eat with the punters beforehand? You've got in the table, all the accountants you can eat with them beforehand, sticking up your ass, no way. My favourite story of that was a comedian who was doing a cruise. I think a cruise must be the worst way. If it goes badly, the next morning you kind of like,

You don't see everybody. With everyone. He did two shows. They were there for a week. And he got helicoptered off the ship. Because it's gone so badly. But it's like in my mind's eye, you know when that kind of like the sort of like ladder comes down? Yeah, yeah.

I see it coming down like that and he was escaping. But yeah. Yeah, there's something kind of weird about I'm very much a do-the-gig leave. Yeah, yeah. And, you know. That's the awkwardness in years. Yeah. That's when you're done.

Well, Mickey Flanagan used to call it vicaring. people that would kind of hang outside after and go to the bar after the gig do I mean I see he's out vicar in look Just to kind of Vicker after the church Totally yeah And it's like I've never

Because it doesn't matter how well the gig's gone If somebody just says something like How do you think that went Suddenly your insecurities Yeah Yeah If you had done comedy What do you think you would have done?

I don't know really What was your dream job as a kid? It was to do this Was it? Yeah yeah I wanted to be a footballer when I was You know young And that sort of stopped around

about 16 and then I kind of got into stand up and I sort of had this like um obsession with trying to get a job that I liked because all the adults I knew hated their lives so I was sort of like right if I do something I like yeah then I'll be I'll always be happy and I'll like I wanted to get up and want to work and that's the best thing like I still love writing jokes and having ideas and kind of going oh there might be something in that yeah so I don't really know what else. I think probably I'm not sure I'd have the skill to be able to do it but I think I'd probably be a bad

teacher but do you know what I mean but I kind of want to do something else but it must be incredible teacher it'd be quite rewarding I think to be able to kind of yeah I think it's a really hard and a massively underrated job but you know I sort of think of like someone like Greg like how good a teacher must Greg have been

do you know what I mean? Yeah you'd want to listen wouldn't you? Oh my God he must have yeah he has that kind of nature and it's like I don't know, like when you have those teachers when you're a kid, you sort of remember those lessons when a teacher blew your mind. Yeah. And you felt spoken to.

And you kind of, when a teacher turns you on to education, if you're kind of like from like a normal background and you suddenly go, I'm going to read that book. Yeah. It's kind of an amazing skill to do. All my friends are teachers. Oh, do you? Like 90% of my friends are teachers. Isn't it funny?

But they were all performers. So they all sing. Right. So we all sing together and they all teach. Yeah. But I hate it though, because I've got no mates during the week. Right. But summer holidays is a fantastic. Summer holidays is brilliant, actually. Yeah, that is true.

Yeah, summer holidays is when I'm just out for the full summer holidays because they're all off. But during the week, I don't get a reply to a text between nine and three. And are you, I imagine, are you the queen of the WhatsApp group? I imagine you're an organiser. You have that kind of vibe. You have never seen someone with more WhatsApp groups on their phone. But it's, it's anxiety.

But you need them. Riddled. Thank you. You need them. If I didn't organise stuff. We wouldn't go anywhere. Shut. I'm here.

It pisses me off though now. And if you're listening actually, girls, like, pull your fingers out. Because I organise it all. They're just like, oh,

I'll go anywhere. She's got to book everything. She's got a book every name. My friend Tony's like that. He's just, he's our skipper. He just gets it done. Yeah.

And he'll kind of put those little link polls out. What days are we free? Yes. That's me. Weekends away. I send options for places to go. My wife's away this weekend with their mates and I'm looking after my son.

Which one? It's going to be, I don't know. I think just their mate's house for the weekend. It's going to be an absolute Christ, have you not had him on your own yet? Never for a full weekend on my own. Wow. Is he sleeping good or?

He was sleeping amazingly for the past four months and he's just had a little bit of the, a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a wobble. Sleep progression, yeah. Sleep progression. I used to that. I used to that. It's a thing. It's a thing.

We were enjoying that. Yeah. It's a thing. Yeah, man, it's funny, eh? Do you let him in the bed with you? If we're in a hotel, yeah. It's what's known the game as a big boy sleep. Do you know what I mean?

Do you want to have a big boy sleep? Oh, that is nice. Excellent. Yeah, so, but then the problem with your big boy sleep is very difficult to make him go back in his baby cot. Well, this is what... Because he's used to shaving and hanging out with the big boys. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab.

So you're writing your tour at the moment. You go on tour next year. I do. I go, so it starts the... I'll tell you him. 22nd of January. 22nd of January. Love the title, by the way.

Don't tell the algorithm. It's all right in it. I get constantly pissed off with the algorithm. I hate it. Well, it just makes it sad. The problem with it is that you, I sort of figured this out that you kind of, I watch stuff that, you know,

if somebody said you want to watch this in real life, there's no way. Like, hey God, do you know what I mean? We're going to, like, there's a load of Indian men and they're just going to play pranks on a dwarf. I'm not sure that's for me actually And yet if you look at my history I've seen that fella shot out of so many cannons

And it's just like what am I doing Like it's but you know what I mean It's kind of they've beat him They kind of wait It's crazy He's for it though I've never seen me But this is the strange thing about it

And it just felt like Don't tell the algorithm It's like that's the great thing About stand up or a gig or I don't know It's so nice these days To be away from your machine and like and sort of lost in a collective moment do you know what I mean sort of like I used to get it watching stand up and now to kind of sort of conduct an

evening out and you can sort of see people laughing it's just it's so nice because you realize I read this amazing book the other day that's called it's called Deep Work by oh god that guy called Cal Newport and it basically was sort of about how it's impossible to think because your phone just going meh meh meh and kind of tempts you. So, particularly as a comic, it's very hard to just

be with your brain. And that's where all the sort of great ideas that you've had, you've had, they just come because your brain is bored. You can't be bored anymore.

It's impossible. You had a bit about that. Wasn't that that off formation? Yeah, which was probably a similar vibe of just like... Too much going on. And that was before

most of the stuff I've got now. But that was such a... I mean, that was such a premonition given that that's now where we're at of just like,

that's what I'm mean, it's so hard just to kind of go, you know, you're with your son, you love your son, you're playing Transformers, but your brain's like, but you know your phone's got everything. Yeah. And it's like, well, you've, you've waited your lifetime to be here with this boy. And yet your phone is just like, you know, just. Such a good. So I think there's a lot in it.

Yeah. What were you saying? Sorry, wait until you've got to then navigate it for your children. Yeah. Because our 10 year old is currently addicted to Roblox. Yeah. And I can't blame him because it's just. this really cool thing that he does with these friends

and they all chat while they're doing it. But we have to monitor it the way. We have to see it to one, right, you can have an hour and then it's gone. And it's like, it's like crack cocaine, isn't it? Yeah, totally. But we never had that because our computer games, like we had a frogger was a game. Do you remember that?

We had to get a frog across a busy motorway. So yeah, do you want to come out, play in the woods? Yeah. Yeah. Because, but it's almost like the real world struggles to compete with the digital one. Yeah. And it's sort of this,

it's fascinating. We spend so much time in this kind of strange place where, you know, we get all our information and yet we also go there to masturbate. She's a really odd combo. But that's,

that's the internet, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? You get health advice. It's like ringing up Babe Station and going, listen, I got this war.

Like, it's, I think there's, what I find so interesting is that every one of us is sort of dealing with how our brain, copes with the modern world

of just this blizzard. I think about it loads. It's mad, man. I'm hoping though, do you think it'll take... I'll just hope, this is your theory in it. Yeah, I'm just a hope, really. I'm hoping it'll take a full sort of like you turn, we all just go, I'm sick of this.

Yeah, you're probably right. Do you know what I mean? It might take a while. Yeah, or it'll be that thing of, you know, that there's special places where you go and you're not allowed your phone in a restaurant. Have you ever been to a gig where they have those yonder pouches? I've not, but I think it's such a good idea. Honestly, it sounds like it would be a faff.

And I guess it puts most people off because you're like, oh God, are they going to nick my phone? What's going to happen? It's so incredible because you realize you're back in the 90s because you're sort of waiting for the gig to happen. Maybe you've got a pint. And you're sort of like just having a chat to someone next to you. I saw three people, beautiful Swedes by a toilet.

They were waiting to go to the bog. And they were all on their phone. And you kind of go, they could be meeting their wife in that moment, those idle chats where you're kind of just by the toilet going, you're right, having a good night and something happens. You sort of feel like young people

are missing out on that kind of spark of, fuck, I've just met this amazing girl, I met this blokees so, you know what I mean? I don't want my kids to miss out on that. But how can the world compete with everything? And that's the fascinating thing, you know? That's a really good point. All I was going to say is, do you do them yonder pouches at your kids?

No, no, I kind of, because I also, I don't want to put people through the fath of it but and also it adds money to the ticket I was gonna say it's really I think you've got to be really expensive it's big old like Chappelle does it and people like yeah it you went and saw that had that

I've said Bill Burr Chappelle Michelle Wolfe quite a few I think when they're trying to protect their kind of Netflix specials Oh well yeah probably that Yeah it doesn't get leaked I think it's a nice idea but I think I do think it's taking a shift already

though because I know when I'm out with my friends, we don't sit on my phones. Like, nobody goes on their phones. You've got to police it as well. Yeah. In it? That you just, you have to go, come on. Yeah, that's us as adults.

It's gone and come. We all love each other. It's taking a lot of effort to get it here. We are friends. Yeah. So let's trust that we can have an amazing night. Well, exactly. Should we do our please keep me anonymous?

Yes. Take the way. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. In my late teens, I was working my first ever job in a local pub. This pub turned into a club at 11pm. and I always worked the night shifts. And as you can imagine, I saw all sorts.

I once found a shit in a gift bag in the woman's toilets at the end of the night. Exclamation, Mark. Oh, I'd be sad of the one. In a gift bag. Sorry, a shit in a gift bag in the toilet. Yes. So they were in the toilet?

Yeah. In the chat in a gift bag. Yeah, that's... What a place. I can only assume party trick. Before the internet. Yeah, exactly. Holy shit.

You can see what Jane McDonald's doing. On this night, I took my break about 2 a.m. Imagine having a break at 2 a.m. Young people are incredible. I've never worked in a legum. I can have a little rest at 2 a.m. and then go again.

Flipping X. On this night, I took my break about 2 a.m. I noticed an ambulance outside on my way to the staff room. I thought nothing of it. Jesus. I thought nothing of it. This was my regular occurrence

when working in a club. Fast forward to the end of my shift. It's about 4.30 a.m. We're all cleaning down after a busy night. Yich. I was sweeping the dance floor when a colleague shouted over to me,

Hey, come and look at this. I followed him outside, expecting to see someone passed out drunk, but still to this day, I couldn't believe my eyes. When I walked outside into the back alleyway and saw, and then you have to guess. Oh, oh. A bear. It's a fucking sick, man. Cocaine bear.

No, you've done that thing. You've done that thing where people go, hey, it was a bargain this, how much was it? And someone goes, ten pence, and you go, you've just ruined the real one now. It's a bear. It's a bear. It's a bear. A limb. A severed limb.

which could have been ripped off by the bear. It could have been the bear holding on to the limb going, you got me. No, I wasn't paying into her bullshit. Mine was a separate guess. Do not put it in. We didn't see what country this was in. Canada, middle of the woods.

Yep. You are right, Chris. Yes! It was someone's amputated finger lying there on the damp floor. Very Dickensian. That's right, a finger fully intact, full snail and all.

Turns out a girl had been kicked out of the back door by the bouncer for being too drunk. Oh God, she tried to stop the heavy fire door from shutting her way out and in the process, it slammed shut and cut her finger clean off from just above the second knuckle. Right. After everyone gathered around the finger, gathered around the finger, Jesus, put in a cauldron. We put it on ice and left it with our manager to deal with.

Fuck it. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. Someone's going to come back. We've left the finger there. Oh, my God. We're all going on a break. Yeah, yeah.

It's 3 a.m. now. The following day, our manager sent out a group text, all employees present that night to make sure that under no circumstances were we to tell anyone what had happened as they didn't want it getting around. It was too late. I'd already told everyone I knew so I just couldn't believe what I'd seen.

The image of that finger lying on the floor in the back alleyway still lives rent-free in my head 10 years later. Wow, that. Got it right, finger. Yeah, well done. I'm well happy with that. I'm well-happy with that. I thought it'd be a bit more.

I thought it might have been bitten off the door, it was a little bit. Yeah. Just not as fun. I thought it would be bitten off in a finger. In that, yeah. My, um, my, Jacob Rees-Mogg used to be the MP for, I think North Somerset, which is where a lot of my cousins live. And he was opening a weather spoons.

And, yeah, it's great. And so my cousin, Jake was like, yeah, we all went down there, we're calling him a cunt in that. So they all kind of went down to do that. And he's like, here we are, the weather spoons. And a few of my cousin. finger, like that. And then they stayed there

and some guy got his finger bit and off at the end of the night. So that's the only kind of link. So isn't that wild? A story that starts with, you know, Jacob Rees Mogg. I was a club this, where this food's open.

Like 10 hours later, there's just a load of people from Radstock. There's a gnaw on some bloke's finger up. But yeah, this must be chilling. But presumably she just doesn't have it now. Because if it was just left there on ice. She really just left it. It's done, hey.

But who leaves it? Who gets the finger? of the door, it falls out and who leaves it? So leaded. Do you know what I mean? Like super off the, like, presumably if you're fighting a bouncer, oh, yo, yo. Horrible. Does stuff like this come up on your podcast regularly? Well, my podcast is called Five Brilliant Things.

I'll still lose my thing, I wouldn't be one of them. Probably won't be top of the list unless you hated gloves. Do you know what I mean? But yeah, no, it's, it's, well, you'll have to both come on. I'd love you to come on. What is it, what you talk about your five? Basically, yeah, it's sort of like, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, four match got four rat and it's

no one they're the worst ones but it's basically you say what are the five things you love and then you're able to have quite a nice chat because you're you see a side of someone's personality because they're just in love with the thing they're chatting about

so you kind of a lot of people have gone for Japanese toilets for whatever reason the ones like clean your bomb and stuff oh I was thinking about getting you one of them for your last year my manager Richard Richard nearly bought me one years ago he texted in I nearly walked you on in his toilets, I cleaned your house and I was like, what an awful text though?

Well, do you what I mean? It's like, I nearly did a nice thing. I think you would have been aware of how you're, you sort of run the interiors of the house. And if there's just a random. They're not to my aesthetic. They're not, they're not aesthetically pleasing. I wouldn't draw something to do a good job. Oh, no, they do. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. What's fascinating? So you, like, basically, the way it works is there's a squirt of water. I've been on one. But what's incredible, if you've been on them a few times, I was in Japan. And so I was like, right, let's see what this thing. so I would move it about to kind of give it like that. And every time it must have just sensed it

and just was like, I see what you're doing, Mr Howard. Like that and it always kind of... Directed it every time. Yeah, yeah, it was always kind of Luke Skywalker. I sat with it and not really in a sexual way, just more of like a night. I sat with it on the front for a bit. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I was the first time I met Russell Lauer, but it's great that you're seeing that way. No, no, not in like a... Just for our listeners. It wasn't like it was just quite nice. Yeah, of course. It felt like warm.

You can do it all different. temperatures. Yeah, it's probably a bit like a very sort of gentle version of that. You know the kind of punch bag where they kind of do that. Probably getting a bit out. Right on the bean. Yeah. Oh,

that was being quite nice. No, you fucking weren't. It was just, yeah. Punch bag was bad. Right on the bean. You've had some huge people on me.

We've had John Oliver. Johnny. Yeah. Yeah. We had, who do we have? You've had Jimmy Carr. Jim, Greg,

Michelle Wolfe. Loads of, I forget. It's kind of, you know, it's like you probably, loads of great people. It's just a fun, it's a nice. So it's like the opposite of Room 101. Exactly that. And the whole point of it was kind of,

all my stand-ups about the news and my stand-up shows, you know, TV shows always been about the news. And you sort of like lost in that kind of cyclical woe. Yeah. It's quite nice to just have like, like, like a little sort of valhalla of like, oh, I like this. I'm kind of, and when people, I always like it when people have the courage to talk about things they like,

and then i have to kind of like sometimes kind of just keep my mouth shut and just go cool fine it's not for me but you know i like going on their sort of journey and hearing what they're into like and it's like what would you pick off the top of your head um obviously the kids that makes sense but like what's next beyond that right so the same as same as uh it's a same as uh one where you can't put like war in and stuff because that's just obvious and ridiculous yeah um what would you tuna. There you go. And I'd sort of say, do you like a steak or do you like it sort of the flaked? Both. I probably prefer flaked with balsamic vinegar,

mayonnaise, salt and pepper and sweet corn on chapiteau. On a jacket potato? I just love, I love food. I would probably pick food as like, but that's what I mean and then you end up. And then I end up talking about, it's a bit like, you know, when you're at a wedding and you're kind of like, if you just, the chat's a bit awkward, you just go, what's your favourite flavor of crisp? Suddenly, there's an atmosphere and everyone's kind of, you know, into kind of like, well, it's McCoy's, no, it's not McCoy. You know, and you end up having a very surface level

and yet simultaneously kind of like quite an intimate conversation. How about you, Chris? Well, you've said, so you've said a food, so can I pick a food as well or am I not allowed? Pizza. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, you're obsessed. Margarita pizza.

Wow. Mate, like, I don't think I have a fullness level when it comes to pizza. Right. I just stop because I'm embarrassed at how much I've had. Really? Like, I don't, there's no point where I go, I've had enough now, I've never had enough. I just stop because I think this, I'm going to die.

Yeah. Like, and Margarita, and to the point of way, if I see a cartoon pizza on the telly, I have to have it that now. Is that right? Yeah. Like, I have to have it. I think that's a nostalgia thing.

Yeah, maybe. I blame turtles. I blame a teenage mutant ninja turtles. Isn't that funny? Yeah. You know, you know, they're picking up like that, and it would be fucking dripping off and then be in the box and, oh. Yeah.

I didn't have a pizza out of a box until I was about 15. I wasn't allowed to take away pizza, so I didn't have them until later on. I was, oh. Drain kids are like that with pepper pig, but they're like, oh, I do it's a baking bat, man.

God, I can kill a bat. It reminds me childhood. Yeah, yeah. I just love it. I'm just, I brought some wellies on it. But it is that funny thing, isn't it?

It's those comforting foods. They kind of like, it takes you back to kind of like dinner, dinner ladies and sort of mum special cooking and all that kind of stuff of like watching neighbours you know that kind of like that was sort of how old are you you're sort of five years

39th right now yeah yeah so 27 days apart me and Rosie is that right yeah yeah and same town different town same town no way we went to college together went to college together did you really did you know each other at college yeah yeah briefly I would say hello on the corridor I sat next to our boyfriend in maths wowzers so when did you

meet then? Like, again? First met one, no, first met when we're 14. She was in my, she came in my street, the bigger boys. She was probably kissing, kissing bigger boys. And then met her again at college. Always sort of orbited each other's friendship groups, never were actually friends, but always knew of the other person. Now here's the thing, do you think that if you had

have been in your friendship group, you would have got together or did you have to be kept apart? That's such a good question. If we got together, if we'd been friends, we would never have no, absolutely no chance. I think we, we did that lovely thing of kind of like lived a couple of lives, had partners before and I think, me personally I think it works better

for a longevity of a relationship. So there you go. And on that, as Rosie says, we know where each other has been. Right. What lovely vows. It's true. I'll marry it.

And I understand you know exactly where each other's been. And for the rest of the guests, we've got like a big spreadsheet to see. You might do that at a congregation. Oh, oh. It's like one of their math for the red things

were for solving a murder. Russell, thank you for coming on. Thanks for having this. Thank you so much.