Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Russell Kane

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

On today's podcast Chris and Rosie are joined by comedian, author and actor, Russell Kane! The trio discuss Sanddancers, life as an omnivert, and an unforgettable night in Berlin! Russell chats about his kids book When Brian Met Terry and his upcoming role as Romeo in the forth coming production of Romeo and Juliet which is takes place in September at The New Vic in Newcastle-under-Lyme. All of this plus a nostalgic look back to when Russell and Chris first met and a brilliant Please Keep Me Anonymous story! For tickets to Romeo and Juliet newvictheatre.org.uk/book-tickets You can find both Russell's Children's books - Pet Selector and When Brian Met Terry at all good bookshops and online. If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Yes. Russell Kane. He's here chatting about his new book, a new children's book, which is called When Brian Met Terry, which is available now. I'm holding up now. It's really, really funny. So I know that my five-year-old will love this. Your five-year-old? However.

There it is. Our five-year-old. He's clearly our five-year-old. He's clearly our five-year-old. I don't have to keep saying, our five-year-old. Well, if you listen to this for the first time, you don't know who he are, it just sounds like it's your five-year-old.

But, look, you know, when he's been in a pain, you're welcome to him. Yeah, fair enough. I'll have him all the time. And also, which was so interesting to find out, he's playing Romeo in a new production of Romeo and Juliet in September this year. Yes, and that opens at the New Vic in Newcastle-underlines.

That's the New Vic, not the Old Vic, New Vic, in Newcastle, underlime, not our new castle. It sounds really, really interesting. Yeah, he explains it all. It sounds great. And you know what it is, right? As far as comedians go, he's one of the best mimics that I've ever seen in comedy.

Like, he's a phenomenal stand-up, but he's mimic when he's doing people's accents, when he's doing anything acting out. So it just makes sense that he would be, he's going to be phenomenal in it and I'll definitely go and say it. So yeah. Enjoy. Enjoy. Please like and rate and subscribe on YouTube as well. Yeah.

We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jing. So this is the jingle Jingo Jingo We hope you like the Jing do do

Bhabo do babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu Bhabo do bagu Bha do bach Jingo Obviously got to mention the fact I look completely different as well I'm trying my hair I've never seen your facial hair I've got a lot more heartthroat

I thought I thought I do this character for Lindsay My name is Antonio I offer him It's not the Roddy it's release maybe if I show you

put the hands on the pelvis it's okay and it's me more comfortable if you wait outside for the husband I'll do it again oh my God I love him I love it

you must like especially if you look at this now you must have the weight as in Spain just talking to you in Spanish yeah I do you must have my grandma was like that yeah and Lindsay because Lindsay Lindsay's Italian heritage.

But it's bizarre, in it? They say you end up with someone. If you had a decent-ish childhood, not too traumatic in any way, you normally end up with someone that looks a bit like you or shares your country. Not always. Obviously there are massive exceptions, massive.

And people marry outside of their racial groups and they marry same genders, obviously. But broadly speaking, when you study it, you look a bit like the person you're banging. and the person you're banging normally looks a bit like your dad or your mom as well. Brother? Yeah, I look like a brother. So me and Lindsay, when I was first dating, they thought it was my sister.

And of course, then we'd look like each other actually. And then we'd be snogging. And then all the Cornish people would be wanking watching. No, but they did this amazing study with students where they took, let me get this right. They took the wife, right? And they took the husband and they said, these are the people getting married. then they muddled up a load of pictures of older men and they could find the bride's father.

They didn't show the bride. They could find the bride's father based on what the husband looked like 80% of the time. What? Not always. So what is that? Is that just a familiarity thing? I suppose it's an emotional safety.

You know, the first love you have is with your parents as a baby. What's the whole, what's the Freud thing? Edipal. And in reverse it's Electra. So if you've got, a daughter that's like, no, mommy sleeps in the spare room, and daddy, doing that over the shoulder to the mum. Right.

I've got, that's her, that's a lecture, yeah. Okay. So I'm a little bit, I call my wife and my daughter. I always come in to some sort of, but, you know, Russell, it's like September tomorrow, Daddy, oh, yeah, like I've got my barrister's wig every night. Right, okay, yeah. And the other week, I've got an injury, so I couldn't go on a holiday that was supposed to go on.

I got a perforated eardrum, so I couldn't fly. And, I, that's the best time. Just because I left. I had no work because I thought I was going to be on holiday. I was literally just home alone. And then on the day before, I coined the phrase Glenn Close and Glenn Closer because both fatal attractions were returning. Fantastic work.

You know the meme where she's just with the turning the lamp on and off? I will not be ignored, Daddy. I swear there's a sensor on my toilet seat when my ass hits it. Daddy! Yeah, we've got that. We've got that. There's a sensor. Well, we've got two boys.

So I've just got two little Christmas. which is awful. Really? Well, yeah, you know him. You know him. Are they better at reading, though? Right. I've always struggled with me reading, Russell, I don't know.

I think you not to bring it up on you. All the words muddle up in my head and I lash out in that. For all our listeners, it took Russell 30 seconds. I said when we're getting ready, I went, he's going to do the accent under 30 seconds. And it was literally almost as soon as a day. But you're quite sort of refined northeast accents. See, well actually that's the South Shields accent, isn't it? It's a sand dancer.

Yeah, the sand dancer. It's because you can't open your mouth too much because the sand's blowing in your face. Is that too much? Why isn't even caught? We need to go into deep sort of sand dantsa heritage. I don't know why it's called sand dancer. Well, I heard it was just because back in the day

there would dance on the beach for the ships coming in. And that's as simple as dance. When the boat comes in? It's a simple as that. But why do you never meet anyone from North Shields? Why do I never ever meet anyone from North Shields? Does it not exist? do something.

It's fully exist. It's fully there. Sam Fender is from North Shields. Sam Fender's from North Shields. There's one. One. It doesn't get the same... I do believe they'd just see Newcastle.

They're the same side of the river. See, we're the Sondland side of the river. So everyone assumes that we're... Sundland fans or Macams, like, you know, like we're part of Sunland. Like, and Sam Fender and all them, the north side of the other, so they're just like immediately...

He will just tell people he's from Newcastle. Like, when he was on holiday... Probably not now. Yeah, yeah. But when he was on holiday when he was younger, he would just say I'm from Newcastle. know if Sam knows this but any time you are in North Shields, the taxi drivers and people there will just tell you where he lives.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's actually, we nearly told someone like, maybe she's not too much. Can't fucking do that. Let me ask you, because you, you two are like a friendly, like, kept your normalness type people like me. I like to think I am. All my friends are my original friends. So you're out of the weekend about with my family.

I've tried to, it's helped me back a bit, but I tried to resist the show busy bit. Yeah. But when someone's at my front door, I'm not a fan of. having to switch into persona if they're in my house and my front door. But then I feel like am I an ungrateful, unfriendly twat? So I had a postman knocking for a signature and he went, you didn't reply to my comment on Facebook. Why have you not replied?

And I'm like, what? I'm in my dressing gown. I got baby. I mean, I was a bit younger. I got a kid and I'm trying to do. Like, he's having a go at me. Yeah, it is. That's a bit much late.

But why do we feel guilty though? You shouldn't feel guilty. I feel like I should be allowed to be a twat from the doorstep inward to strangers. As long as I'm not horrible ever to anyone outside. Yeah. I'm allowed to be guumpy indoors. Yeah, I agree. I would agree.

Well, yeah. It's a mad world. I had a doctor's send me a letter asking if I would do an Instagram post. It's about cervical screening. Am I allowed a bit? A cervical screening? An influencer for the NHS. Who wants more patience on the NHS?

Will you tell people not to come? Maybe you miss Reddit. Please tell people will stop turning up. We don't dance when the board's are raised. anymore do we? Get that flag up, scurring both my anchors dancing on the sand.

Yeah, Naut shields don't dance on the sand. I don't know why. That is nice. But yeah, it's a wild sort of line, isn't it? Yeah. But we don't get much bother. I think people are used to

now where we live. Yeah, we've kind of just like, have you never had anyone, I had a guy like, like he was blowing the leaves off and the area and came into our driveway and was like, I've got this script. Oh, no way, man.

I'm in my fucking, like, I'm in my pants. Do you not think if I was that good of getting a scripts commission, I'd be on my ninth sitcom by, and he got me on a bad morning with a perforated ear drum feeling sorry for myself. And I went, oh, it's quite easy. All you need to do is gig for three, for free for three years. Then put in some time, do a couple of scripts that are rejected, possibly battle with mental health and addiction.

Then I reckon in the 20th year, you'll be good to go. Do you anything else? But let's shut him up. Ross and Tim is an absolute prick. It was worse than that. He went, oh, right, thanks for that. I'd love for giving him genuine advice. And then asked, like, myriad follow-up questions.

Can it win, man. You can't win. Anyway, I'm not horrible. I just, like, I have to, because everything I do is very high energy, I have to recharge when I'm at home. I've discovered I'm an ambivert. I always thought it was an extrovert. I'm the first one on the dance floor.

Love being on staff. attention, attention, attention, talking to everyone, everywhere. But I love being on my own to recharge. Oh, see him. So I get my energy from being alone, whereas a true extrovert, the true meaning of the word extrovert is where you draw your energy from. So I draw my social energy from everyone. I can't dance and just be dancing on my own.

Look at me, I'm dancing. Oh, yeah, it has to be a bad. But I draw my recharging energy from self, which is one introvert does, meaning I'm an ambivert. Yeah. They just came out with like six or seven newverts. No, I know. Yeah.

It's been taken for quite some time in comedy. By another Russell as well. He's quick, you know. He's fucking quick, you know. He's fucking quick this guy. Honestly, he's quite funny. He's the man. That's really, I thought, I think I'm an introverted extrovert.

You're an ambivort. Do you recharge, you recharge by being alone. But when you're out, look at me, look at me. Yeah. Right, you're ambivor. Okay, that's so. Whereas I'm, I thought you just told you the exact word and you said, no, I'm going to call it introverted extrovert.

He's just totally the specific word. But sometimes it's hard because sometimes I am a bit of an introvert when I'm around people. Sometimes, yeah. But also I was to say to you, I end up over-compensating conversations and I really want to stop doing it.

Because if the conversation takes a lull, I will tell everybody, me deepest, darkest. It's happening right now, ironically. It happens all the time. It happens if this is what we do for a living. But I don't want to do it anymore. Well, don't worry about it. You've monetised it, relax.

Right, it's the other question. What are you like, Russell? What are you like, Russell? If you're in a room with someone who is just the quietest person ever, do you just fill the space? We fill the space. I sometimes make an excuse to, I'm going to go and grab a coffee

and then I'll go and read round the corner if the social energy's not there. Right. Or I will initially try to fill the void. I fill the void. I'm like literally pulling me pants down. Look at the stain. Look at it.

You know how I got that score? It's a form of filling the void to leave the room. But my child, I think, is a true extrovert. So, Daddy, come to the toilet. Talk to me while I'm in the bath. Talk to me while I'm in the toilet. I've got friends, like in this business, who when you arrive at the hotel,

bags dumped and they'll be downstairs talking to the barman. They have to have constant social contact to get energy. That's a true extrovert. Say people who go on cruisers. Yeah. Well, I like Hampstead Heath, but parts of it. They love talking. It's love chatting.

Is that to London, that joke? I got no, I got it. It's in the Northeast. It's a notorious gay cruise. area. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Babadoo, Babadoo, Babadu, ba.

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I've got a question. You don't have to answer it. Obviously, everything you get taken out. Yeah. And because you are promoting a children's book, you might not want to talk about it. But... But I'm also promoting a grown-up play about love and suicide.

Brilliant. Which we will get to that. There's plenty in there. We talk on our podcast about swinging a lot. Yes. We're not swing as ourselves. But we get a lot of people from the swinging community tell us about... Because we get horror stories.

We're fascinated. But then we also get really great stories. I saw on your Instagram that you and your wife Lindsay went to a night You didn't say it was a swinging night It's not it wasn't a swing his night Right okay But it wasn't swinging so what was it? It's a night house music

Nightclub But the dress code is slightly fetish It's not gimp masks and leather Fetish But you have yeah it's fetishish So as long as you're dressed in a slightly You're a sexy way like a German would think you can get in.

So for me, I couldn't go and take myself seriously in like leather hot pants. And I just, it's not my thing. Fetish gear. I just, I don't judge you, but I feel too silly in it. I judge. Easy for a woman. Lindsay's got like, like a strip black bra, these black hot patches. Fish nets.

Just fucking amazing. Yeah. I had to recite South End United starting 11 just to keep the boner at stage just to get in the queue. But for me, I went for more broke back. So I went like a cowboy hat. I had a jie a jill lace, no arms, nobody bit furry, topless, and some leopard skin. They were like swimming trunks, but they're the short ones, but tight.

And then some leopard skin boots and shades. So it sounds minimal, but the effect is quite sort of like gay cowboy type. Sexy woody from Toys Toys. Right. We did sexy woody. We got to the front of the queue. Obviously it's cold, so you're wearing some overclothes and you have to get in. You have to show them either in a bag what you're wearing or you have to show them.

otherwise you want you. Right. So I said to Lindsay, you go first. You're going to fucking, she'd knock out my wife. Like, you're going to get us in. The doorman was like that. He opens his mouth and goes, and what will you be wearing?

And I opened my jacket and went, oh my God, come in immediately. Lindsay was like invisible. So we went, we got there an hour early to avoid the queue. So if you get there before it opens, there's a classical music show. And then when it finishes,

someone kicks their fingers and it turns into a manic pulsing house party if you're into that. And it's classical music played naked next to a swimming pool. It was amazing. Four attractive people, three girls and a guy playing light. And you just sit around drinking your beers. There's only about 100 of you, 200 of you watch this.

And then the real doors open. And it starts like a... Over the course of the night, I would advise you not going into the dark corners. There you go. Because it's mostly gay couples in these corners, mostly. But when you go downstairs, there's like little chill out.

bits. There's a more chill out dance law. It's like electro house and a few bars. Now and again you will just see. And because there's Dorman, it's only hot people. Whereas I imagine swingers clubs

to be full of 80 year olds. This is the thing. Yeah. This is what we always land on. Really hot people who are obviously aren't British because we're too fucked up and repressed. Just fucking just

you look through a hole and they're just like making love and there'll be another couple next door. Totally hot. I mean, can you call it making love of it? in the corner of a night club. It's in, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like a wine celery type type set up and when you look through the door,

there's, it's like all candles, like three king size matches, mostly it's just people talking in there having a drink, recovering from whatever substance they've taken, if they've taken substances, sometimes it's just people chatting.

There's people talking about art, there's someone painting randomly. It's not the way, if the British did it, it would be like, here's your back of Johnny's, right? That's the foot room.

like that and they'll be all like Gary's wanking with a pint in their hand. Yeah. Where this is, there's someone painting, someone was doing a talk about, um, fetish without any fetish happening, explaining the history of desire. Someone's braiding, someone's tattooing. And then in one room, two hot couples monogamously making love side by side. Just like, almost like an installation. Fucking hot as hot.

Oh, you see. So me and Lindsay, we get home at three in the morning. Can you imagine it? It was like the Bellagio fountain. Let's smash her into the next suite. You're so horny by the time you get home Because we're British We're unable to do anything like that

Because we're so fucked up about sex I know because some of the stuff we get sent from swinging club I'm just like oh my God I'll be honest with you made it sell not mucky Which I've never been done before When it's not mokey I think would be quite interesting Because it's not the night's focus is music And some people do stuff like that as an adult

It's not a sex There's loads of sex If you want to go to a sex club Germany is the place to go There's fucking hundreds Of them. Good to know. Good to know. But I personally would rather be in an erotic environment dancing fully cloned me because I am. As liberal as I am, born and fucking raised on this island.

I know. I know. I know. Education at 14. We're repressed. Yeah. Yeah. And as well, do you know why? I think we're also a little bit repressed? Because it's cold here. Maybe, yeah. I think in the sun, everything's sexy. Everything's free. Yeah.

It's a totally different vibe. In hot countries. You obviously weren't looking at me when I was eating that club sandwich on the sunbed. Someone hasn't researched North German weather. They are very naked. They're very naked, the Germans. So there's a park in Berlin, just a regular park, like our Hyde Park. And people just sunbathe naked at lunchtime. Well, yeah. No Romans are masturbating in bushes.

There are no blokes pretending to sunbathe whilst purving. It's just a healthier attitude to nudity and sexuality. And girls in particular, you have boys. Yeah, two boys. So when we raise girls in this country, as every female listener will attest, women aren't educated about pleasure. You know, you weren't sat down at 12 in sex education and go, well, that's the mechanism, but this is how the body works, this is what a female orgasm is, this is how it's a chick.

No, it's completely undiscussed. You have to just pray you meet a bloke probably when you're about 23 that finally is willing to understand the female body. It's just fucking unacceptable. Whereas in Germany, fucking 11, you'll go, this is my clitoris, this is how it works. Yeah. Why do we not teach girls how their bodies work? What is the fucking issue?

Yeah, you just have to guess. By the time they get to 1819, nudity is not sexual. It's just the body. I love it. Tell about Romeo and Juliet. Tell about your facial hair. Yeah, so my bum fluff I'm growing here. Listen, he's always wanted to say this.

Why have you got facial here, Russell? Yeah, I'm doing it for a part. My whole career. Instead of, no, it's a slight midlife crisis and I'm trying to change the way I look because I can't accept aging? No. I'm growing it for a part.

Tell us what the part. Which is masking the real reason. I can't accept it. No, so what happened? Why did you take the part? What happened was? The last tour was just so big. I finally got just 10% sick of stand up at the end.

I never thought it would happen to me. I was the most enthusiastic stand-up out there. Unpaid, no mic, no lights. I'm warming up and take it. Every gig is the Albert Hall. I don't, whatever it is. That's how I've approached it from my first. open spot and I've never dimmed. However, two years, seven countries, 90 minute show,

big emotional ending, making everyone cry. I was like, I'm going to continue to do stand-up two, three times a week because I always stay in the gym, as I call it, but I'm not going to do a tour until 28. So what can I do in between something that's new to challenge myself? So I believe that is the ultimate biohack to stay young, is to do new things. I've always wanted to, I've two or three of my own plays, just like silly comedy plays. And I've, I've always wanted to do a proper, whatever that means, play where everyone goes, oh my God, you can act. I've never had the courage to do it.

And even when I had had the courage, I would have gone to my old manager and said, what, I want to do it. Okay, you have the meeting with the producer. We've got this play coming over. It's going to be great for you. That sounds good. So it's £200 a week.

And you'll be in the West 10 for eight days. I could just see all my Maldives changing into Bournemouth. And I'm like, no, thanks. If you start as a peasant, you own the right to brag. Yeah, yeah. rules guys. Yeah, that's true.

And so it's always been about money. And coming from a council house, you never ever think you've got in, you're like, what if I haven't got the right to not earn here? And I thought, no, I'm going to do something that's not about money. It might, normally those things end up being lucrative. Look at you guys. You started across a kitchen table. You do something you love, not for the money initially and bang, off it goes.

So I was like, what am I going to do? I want to act. I'm going to be in a play. I've got all these sitcom things that I've been developing forever. One of them's quite near now. I can't rely on that. The one thing you're in control of is if you go on stage. So I thought,

I don't see some local Shakespeare that's good because we don't get as much up north, do we? I live in Cheshire right in the middle of the country. You have to come to London. There's this one company called Not Too Tame Theatre. And they go into northern towns and they stage classical plays, Shakespeare or whatever. But they do it in a way

where your average person that goes, I don't normally like Shakespeare, comes out and goes, did they change the words? How comes I understood that? Yeah. They're really good at staging it in original way. So the original words just staged differently. Nice.

So I went to see 12th night, and they put Les Dennis as Malvolio. And I've got to admit there was a bit of snobbery in my head because I'm a bit of a London elitist. I couldn't fucking believe it. I'm crying. He's such a good actor, Les Dennis Dennis. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't know he was that good. Apologies, Leslie, if you're listening. I had no idea you were that tunnel. And I was crying at the end, clapping. And the cast went back to Jimmy, this Warrington Firebrand that fucking runs this conference. company and he sent me a DM was like you were seen in the audience you would make such a good

Shakespearean actor meet me for one coffee wow so I met him for one and I said he said what you want to do now I don't if you've ever been approached to do Shakespeare Chris but it will be bottom in midsummer night's dream malvite any of the clown funny parts yeah yeah I'm already know I'm already a clown I want to challenge myself yeah and I would also like to do something that's not been done so what's not been done that's allowed to be done it's not like I can be a white Othello, I'd be cancelled. So I thought, old Romeo. So in the play, they're 17 year olds, right?

But what if they weren't? What if they were 40-ish? And they'd never been loved, never fallen in love. And they meet the wrong person that they can't be with to the point where people are going to get hurt if you keep seeing this woman because of various things in their families. What would that be like if you two hadn't found each other? If you were still single now, Chris,

And you look across the bar and you're like, this, I've never felt, has my heart ever loved till now? Yeah, yeah. I've never loved till this moment. I've never seen true beauty before today. You're on my soulmate. You kiss at the party. You're like, I'm in love.

And then she goes, bye, this is my surname. And you're like, oh, fuck. That's Romeo and Julia. Yeah. And of course, you know what. Dad's don't get on. You know what happens next. It all spins out of control and they both end up dead, basically.

That's the plot of Romeo and Julia. Spoiler alert. Yeah. So it's a toxic relation. And so we've changed the stage in. So Capulet, who's Juliet, we've just got a mum. So we've taken that demonic horrible dad that's like, you'll be with who I fucking tell.

And turn it into a toxic, narcissistic mother. Because the end of the day, if you're 40 odd and you're living at home with your mum, and she goes, you can't see him. You go, fuck. So is she going to be 40 as well? Yes. So we've cast.

I don't know if you've watched, Holly Oaks, two-pints of Lager Packet of Chris, all that stuff. But she's also fucking such a talent. stage actor Natalie Casey. Yes! Oh, yes. Wow.

Love that's Julia. She's brilliant, terrifying, funny, interesting. She's totally the type of Julia I need. Otherwise, I'm just going to run right. You know, I need a woman that would scare me and interest me. That's all right, married to one in real life.

She's a great actress as well. And in her audition, we were doing these cast in these workshop together. And Julia has this soliloquy, which is, come, fiery steeds, sees me. but she's fantasising about Romeo on her own. But the director was just for fun, pretend you're hallucinating Russell there.

Russell, you stand in. And I sat in this chair and she's got windmilling me with her legs and throwing me about. I was terrified. Yeah, yeah. But she was so good. So good. Oh, nice.

So yeah, it's that to explore love. But if you really were 40-year-old Juliet and your mum was like, you can't see her, you'd just go, fuck off, I'm moving out. Unless the pillow talk between you and your life, lover could bring down families. Like if you were my brother and everything we do is tied up

in whatever world we do, it could be drug dealing, it could be something corporate, it doesn't matter. And they're our arch rivals. Yeah. There's no fucking way I'm going to trust you not to tell her when you're shagging something that could put me, your uncle, your dad, you fucking stop seeing her

and why someone's going to have a word. Chris is currently watching the Sopranos for the fifth time, so he gets all of this. You are, is your dad alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you will know you are a boy when your dad enters the, till the day your dad passes away, you stay a boy. That's a good, I like that.

And I think most women stay a little girl when their mom walks in a room. My mom rules my life. Yes. So you never ever. I get it. So if she was a toxic, if she was in. She's not toxic at all. No, but if she was in the police or a drug dealer, you'd be fucked, man.

You might be shagging anyone she doesn't approve of. I get it. So it's, I'm going to be so vulnerable. I've got to fall. It's so out of our comfort zone, Chris, what we do. I can't look around and get a laugh halfway through. The first bit, it'll be easy. It's funny.

It's Romeo, the overly romantic, overly intellectual, funny lad. It's me. But then to fall in love and to show that vulnerability, my best mate gets murdered, to cry at the grave of someone I love and to do it for real. These are things I've never ever even showed even 1% of on stage I'm hitting myself But like everything I do

I can imagine the amount of insane Rocky montage training I'm doing Oh he's just I mean Anything he's just told us about It's perfect as he had drum He was just talking about like he was a doctor Like he learns everything about everything So this is a man who, sorry can I just say

You don't know this When we would go for curries after gigs back in the day He'd walk in I don't know about our audience know this Because you used to support Russell On tour First of all we'd walk in And Russell would go to the

but where's your chef from? And the guy would see where the chef was from. And that would influence what curry he picked. I knew that. Because he would know where the, you go, alright, I'll have one of these then.

And you'd be like, and the staff will be like, is this a test shopper? Who the fuck just walk in here? We're getting shut down. But for those of you don't know, and I've always wanted to thank you for this, Russell.

And I've said this on loads of different things. Your talent would have come through no matter what. I don't know if you're going to say what I think you're about to say. Yeah, well, you were so, people often see when it was a big break or whatever. And I'll say, I'll tell you when my first break was,

it was when I was doing the comedy circuit, and then me and you, I got asked to support you, when Hull? It was the last minute. Last minute. It might have been the day or the day before. I was literally like, boom, yeah.

It was like, would you support, we've got Russell King. Oh my God, these little promoters. I was like, we've got Russell King and do the comedy festival. Can you support him?

Can you support him? And then you were like, come and do some other dates with us as well, and I did other date. And then I was supposed to... You know what I did that night? I went straight to Avalon. I went,

I've just had a lad fill in because I needed to support. I don't know why I needed to support that gig. Maybe I didn't want to have two halves. And I went, he's come on. And just, I never listen to people's material. I have no interest in people's, like, wanking off like Americans in a circle about my punchline.

It's not my style of comedy. But all I look at is, are you a funny person? And does the audience like you? Because anyone can come up with a funny idea or material. I don't find it impressive at all. What I find impressive is to communicate your human. in a way where someone you've never met likes you. Very, it's a small group of people.

So I went straight to Richard Allen Turner and I was like, I advise you as quick as humanly possible to see the, however old you were, you went very old, I don't think. Yeah, 22, 23 somewhere. Because someone else will. That's what happened. And then the same thing happened 10 years later with, I didn't do this because it sounds like I'm claiming.

No, no, no, I'm about to say it. He's done it for Lord. You've done it. You did it for Sterling. You did it for Rob Beckett. Judy Love. Judy Love, yeah. Loads of people.

Because sound as for. I just, I just. Well, you love comedies. Well, and the thing is, you can see talent. I can't bear people from working class backgrounds that, or whatever your gender or racial, who not getting the recognition, probably not getting the recognition. Not in a left wing token way, but people just don't spend enough time. Just double checking there isn't a working class person with talent.

I'm not saying promote someone who. isn't talented, so we've got representation, what I'm saying is you're going to need to, that rock pool is full of black women, right? So maybe just spend an extra week or two, just double checking because it doesn't get looked in enough. We've got the white, posh person pool over there. It's always going to be there, and we should totally hire the funniest, most qualified people from that pool. But you need to spend longer looking for the equally talented person in that pool. That's what people misunderstand. They think I'm saying, or just hire a black woman for it.

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying hunt a bit longer in diverse groups. And the reason you should do it is not so we can all have a fluffy hug about how representative we are, is everyone makes more fucking money. Everyone has a more interesting show. If I'm starting an ad agency, do I really want five guys from Essex working class backgrounds? No, of course not. Because if I get, I don't know, Nestle come in with a new product, that's a bad example. I say Nestle come in with a new drinking product.

I want to know what posh twit went to eating things. I also want to know what she who grew up in a towel of a Bangladeshi mother thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The idea that might make a million pounds. It's just common sense to have a more diverse mix of opinions

to create more interest in art. Yeah. It's just common sense. It's not lefty. Yeah, yeah. It's just ambitious. Yeah. So you, I remember, I'll never forget, right?

I were in York, were York City Screen Cinema, other side comedy club downstairs. And I was sitting, yeah, and I was sitting talking. And I said, I'm about to sign. I said at the promoter, I said, I'm about to sign with this small management agency in Manchester

who ran a comedy club. I'm going to sign with them. They're going to be my agent. And he went, Russell went, what? What's this? And I went, I'm signing him there. And you're fucking fit. I thought you're going to hit us. His face, your face, his face dropped. And he went out and he came back in. And you went, don't. You went, I wasn't going to say anything, but don't. You went, I've been speaking to Avalon about you. Do not sign to that person. And you got a meeting set it up. And Avalon signed me and put me host in the comedy zone, which was there at Edinburgh showcase without seeing us do a second of stand-up

on your recommendations. Oh, gosh, don't have to cry. I've always... I've always wanted to thank you. I've got a lot of cover sticking the corner of my eyes. I don't appreciate my... If you make my tusha claw, I pissed down my cheers.

I've always known how much you've really respected. You didn't need to say that. And I don't... I almost don't like you saying it because everything you've built, you know, it's going to come a bit cring. The most of me said it was because of how uncomfortable it would make you. Yeah.

If that's how I'll allow it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, ba. We've got two seconds to talk about your new book. I've read it. It's really, really lovely. How old are your kids? 10 and 5. Right, so it's for the 5 year old.

Yeah, bang on. Absolutely bang on. I've got another one for the 10-year-old. That was out last year, Pet Selector. Okay, all right, okay. Weirdly, pet selectors has now started selling it again, and is selling as much as that one, weirdly. Amazing. Brilliant.

I know that was the year before. Oh, no, it's so sweet. First of all, I've ever told you about Russell's cats that he had? Well, this is, I can tell that you love cats. Yeah. You can remember when I stayed at your house in Essex, you had your two cats. Yeah. You know, Rosie, what the cats were called?

But Wayne and Keith. And do you know what they're called now? Terry and Donna. Fantastic. Wayne and Keith. Trained them. First person I've ever met me life who trained a cat. Those cats were like dogs.

That's right. Can you remember when you're held, you could hold them. I've got six now. Rub them around the floor. Three, I've got three dogs and three cats. If I click are trained. If I click, they all come. They all sit.

They all high five in a row. Multi-species. UCR get obsessed with stuff. This man, hyper-focusers on anything he does. I love pets. I did a first book, which was a dog and cat breed guide for children. So if you like, say you want to get a schnauzer or you want to get a Burmese cat, you can look up the breed profiles.

And then I got, um, And our new dog, which was a chihuahua, and I tried to introduce him to our Burmese cat. Terry, now as Chris will know, having met my last Burmese cat, they're not like normal cats. They're very needy, they follow you around. The downside of that, the difference between a dog and a cat is, a cat's body is linked to its territory. So if another cat puts a foot in the garden, it's the same as me grabbing you by the wrist. So the cat's brains are wired to territory. It's very, very hard to bring new animals into a cat's territory.

Whereas dogs, their body is their body you've just got to make sure you're doing injuries. It's much easier. Unbelievable. But a Burmese cat is like that on steroids. They're obsessed with their owner. They get lonely. They can destroy the house through boredom. They're basically a dog in a cat's body.

But you don't have to walk them and they bury their own shit, which is why I always say to houses, like we can't get a dog. Consider a Burmese cat's compromise. I brought Brian in. and I thought the cat was going to die. It stopped eating. No, we did 1,300 quid in vets, bills. I was insured, thankfully. And he was like, your cat's just fretting.

It's where we'd petted the chihuahua in front of him. So I tell him my publisher this while I was having a meeting about the previous book. And she was laughing because I was saying, he's been, you know, been with a lavender hanky. He's had a cat priest having first rights. And she was like, turn that into a book for, like, the junior Donaldson age. Yeah, yeah. Because not many men write for that.

age group. Men always want to, it's a boy wizard or it's a grandma with a secret life and it's 600 pages and it's for boys. Whereas for some reason men seem reluctant to write for these very young groups. You get a few. Yeah. We did what ours was, but yeah, we did it. We did it for with that age group and it's such, like, I think reading with children is one of the most magical things in the world. It's so good, isn't it? It's like that, just that little bit of connection before bed. That's lovely. And yeah, that's why we did. People sending us videos of their kids reading our book before bed. That's amazing. I was weeping every time.

Yeah, it's sure special. I was so happy. So have your kids, did your little one read this yet? No, I've already just read it today. It's called when Brian Met Terry, which I know sounds like a 90s educational pamphlet about gay relationship.

It's that it's that story. But it doesn't matter if you've only got one kid or if your kids have got big age gaps. But underneath it is a story of bringing a new cuter thing into a household, the resident thing emotionally struggling with that and learning to love your sibling or someone else in the class and learning how to get along with someone who initially made you feel threatened

like you weren't the centre of the love. That's what's underneath it. But you don't have to read it that way. You can just read it as a funny book with a dramatic cat and a chihuahua called Brian. It's very you called it as well. It's just, it's really good. I was really impressed.

Is your cat okay now? Yeah, it was fine. It just took time. And so something really interesting. interesting happened, which was then we got the second chihuahua, and I was like, right, I've got to go for all this again. And the cat didn't react. It went like that. Went up and sniffed it and just walked past. I was like, hey? And the same thing happened when we got the third chihuahua. So I looked into the science of it. You've got three chihuahua. That's how much masculinity I'm packing.

I just see you'd walk in three chihuahuas. Remind me to say what happened with my mum's partner in a minute. So I realize cats can't tell quantity. They can only tell the presence of a thing. So if a cat has a litter of kids, kittens and it goes out to use the loo and you take seven of its eight kittens away and leave one. As long as it can't hear the others, it will have no conception that any kittens are missing. It can't count. It can only tell thing there, thing not there. And I thought, that's another fucking book. That's not. It teaches numeracy.

The idea that cats can't count is very funny. So that's what I'm working on. There's a next book. It's a core cats can count because it will be. Yeah. It's brilliant. So my, my mum's like, got her. Alpha male, knuckle-drager,

like Essex, silverback boyfriend. Stop shaking my mum. He said to me, he said to my, he said to my daughter, I, are you going to walk down the street with that? And they look to me, aren't you embarrassed? That's what the guys have.

It's a rat on the lead. And my daughter was really upset. And then even me, with all my liberal, don't care what anyone thinks, I'd walk down the street in a tight pink t-shirt, if it took my fancy, I was a bit like, is it weird I'm walking out? Is it like I'm trying to say

something? So I went out with this tiny chihuahua on a lead in a pink jacket because obviously I've got a daughter so she's always in pink. Not obviously. That's the way she expresses her toxic femininity. And I went down the street and then you start to notice the dogs everyone's got and everyone that had the masculine dogs like the Chechnya and zombie death fuck

or whatever dog people are like, yeah, Chechnie and zombie death fuck that's a proper dog. It's got two skulls and both kill children. And as a walk down the street, all the men with the Rockwilers and they were all being stopped by other men that looked like them. They might as well have been touching dicks across the dog's head. Yeah. Who do you think stop me?

Or the fit women. Oh, let me stroke it. You like doing you like dirty stuff? So don't overthink it, lads. We've got to do this question. I think you'd be a really good person to ask this. We're thinking about getting a dog. Yeah.

I don't know. We're always wanted to. born retriever. Right. Genuinely, because it's fun with your children, get my book, I'll send you a copy,

Pet Selecter. Oh yeah, I didn't get time to read that one. I wrote it. We've got it. We've got it all right. It's matching your energy,

your resources and your time to the dog breed. Not a dog that looks nice that I've seen in the high street. What have you got the energy to walk? If it's pissing snow and you've got two records,

how much energy do you actually have? If you have none, you're looking at a chihuahua or a puck. Right, okay. Just be honest. But also, bear in mind how much training, chihuahua is what I call an advanced dog. A lot of training. My chihuahuas would come in like this, soft as anything.

A lot of work. Yeah, yeah. So it's advanced training, but easy to look after. King Charles Spaniards are good compromise for people like you. This is interesting. Cois is an obsessive person so I know that you would have that. Match the pet. Be honest.

You would have that dog trained. I want it pointing a chip with its nose. Like case you're going to North Shields. Yeah, exactly. I've got to protect Sanfenders I was Yeah, we're going to get a little bit of a way in us Right

Let's do this story then Dear Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous We will Kelly I suffer quite badly With Exma I'm getting a bono I know

I suffer quite badly with exma Or eczema That's sorry That woman used to call it Excema That I hated I used to work in a nursery And there was a mum

Who would be like Henry's eczema's flaring. I mean, when you want to stab someone. Sounds like a superhero. Excema. I am exuma. Hit him with my flakes. Sorry, it's not very nice to the listener. I suffer quite badly with eczema. And during COVID, I had a bad flare-up. Do you know what it is? I don't mind people that have eczema. I'm just not a fan of the word flare-up. Flare-up. And the other thing is, if I was on a first date and someone used the word bout, there wouldn't be a second date.

A bout of such a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're a bouty person, Get about of like the out of the ex-map. It could be about of anything. About of goat. It's got to be about of goat. My mum told me I needed a doctor's appointment to get a repeat prescription. I called the contact docs on my phone and they didn't answer. I left a voicemail with my name, date of birth, address and telephone number.

In the voicemail, I explained my symptoms and went into great lengths about the areas of my body it was affecting. Oh, fuck. So she called the doctor's surgery. They said, you can contact and I phone said docs. But I think we can both possibly anticipate, all of us anticipate that maybe it wasn't the doctor's. Oh. A few days later and no response, so I called again and left all my details and my worsening symptoms, which at this point had reached some of my intimate areas.

Oh, God. Oh, it is about, in it? A few days went on, and still no word. My mum asked if I'd rung the correct practice. When I read out the number, as she put it into her phone, she gasped and then erupted in laughter, calling in the whole family to hear. My mum then reveals that the number I've been leaving these voicemails on is docks, the local chippy. I did not see that comment at all.

I live in a small town. So it is where everyone goes. And I know people who work there. It then dawned on me. I'd left two voicemails with every single detail of my life and my terrible exma. I haven't been into Doc since and now travel six miles further to a different chippy that doesn't know about my ailments or offer me a side of diprobase with my meal. I'm assuming that's a medication. I give myself the ick any time I think about it.

Oh, that is. See the chippy coming. Tate you know what's worse is a chippy is a traditional queuing food. Most takeaways you can go in and out, but you have to stand in line with other locals where you wait for the next. It's not go to Chicago back in. God with flaked sea salt. Last time I stood in the queue for a chippe,

I don't have told of this on the podcast. You know this. Last time I stood in the queue for our local chippy, that'd been a documentary on the tell you about the Ritz and the head chef at the Ritz is from South Shields. Really? And I was standing in the queue, right? And the lady would be, I think, bear in mind this is the,

Chippy that was at my school. I swore over school dinners and I'm standing in the queue. And one of the ladies behind the counter, she went, Chris, whole chippy turns and looks at us. I went to yeah, she went, when you're in London, you're going to the Ritz. And I thought, and I didn't know what you're talking about it. I thought, oh, fuck, I went, uh, I've, I have been before. And everyone's like, straightway, like, ugh.

She went, in front of everyone. Next time you're there, right? If you speak to the head chef, tell me I accept my friend request on Facebook, we went to school together. That's what I'm talking about. That's not acceptable behavior. Okay.

Fucking hell. Did you do it? No, I've never been. I've never met the fucking chef. I don't even know. Is it still? Do you know what? I like, if I have a treat, I'm quite healthy, but if I have a treat food, I like fish and chips.

And I'm struggling to adjust to the northern fish and chips. Well, you lived in. So many things I don't recognize the main. And things that are on my menu down, we have something called Rock Eel, which is a bit of fish with the spice. It's easiest fish to eat is one spine. It's like a type of eel. And all the fish have got like different names up north,

like Bobby Dazzlers or whatever. And then everyone puts gravy on everything. Yeah. And I struggle. I'm like a chip. For me, a chip that's soggy and mush, you wouldn't accept that, would you? So I don't understand the impulse to immediately turn it to mush as soon as,

like, you know, like, you know, like, Dementia food that an anana would eat all mashed up. And, uh, mine's, So my in-laws, Lindsay, and a lot of them, it's almost like a heroin issue with gravy. When we get the Sunday lunch, I'll eat extra gravy, please. Can we get, everyone get an extra gravy bag? And the feeds have gone invisible.

It's just like one sprouting an oasis in the middle, and Sally can we eat. And it's just, I think my in-law probably gets waterboarded by my father-in-law with gravy at night for a kink. It is so true. What is it? I don't know. We love gravy in the north.

We love a condiment. I think that's a northern thing. And that condiment I'm in favour. Can you not my condomit is bigger than the food? Not my succour am back in the day, man. Gravy. Northern boys love gravy. Do you know what I've never had?

We're truly upset us. Go on. I've never had like eel and mash. And like this, in the sauce from the London. Yeah, pie and mash. Pie and mash. I've never had it and I really want it. It's easy to make it home, but it's the liquor.

I want to go somewhere and have the liquor. I want to go somewhere and have the liquor. and the mash and the pies. I've seen this. It's like a sort of thin parsley sauce that's less milky. It's like a more watery, fragrant parsley gravy.

That's fucking amazing. Double pie, double mash, double chips. Wallup. I want to go. We'll eat a fine a good one. Sounds like hell and I'm not coming. I've not had many treat foods

because recently I had to do the most crazy photos of ever done in my life. My wife's got another business. Can't be crazy other than heat torso over the week holding two times. Norway. If you got a phone, we'll Google it. So I do have got a longevity. I do talk about staying young.

Yep, yep, yeah. We googled how old you were just before you came. I got an interview opportunity to do men's fitness. So I did the phone interview and he was like, are you in shape? I went, yeah, I am. And I sent a picture and he was like, if you can drop X percent body fat, we'll put you on the cover. But you've got three weeks. So I did it. And I was the cover. I was the cover of men's fitness. That's cool. Wow. My fucking age. That was fucking incredible,

but it's left me with a hangover of being a bit controlled about what I eat so I want to get rid of that. Yeah, go and let some pine mash. Some fish and chips, man. Get a big fucking pint of gravy with it as well. Yeah, I do.

I do. I like it. Because I'm from Essex, I'll put a thin layer of sambouca on top and fucking late it. That's how Georgies and Essex can party together. Yes, exactly. It's been a pleasure.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. We're done. We're done. We're done. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair.

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