Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Please Keep Me Anonymous with Suzi Ruffell

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

On this week podcast Chris and Rosie are joined by the brilliant comedian and podcaster Suzi Ruffell! As well as talking about her current tour, The Juggle, Suzi reveals what happened the first time she met Mel C and why Chris Ramsey and Ipads will always be connected in her mind. And of course, Suzi reads a listeners story. Trigger warning, it's rank! To get tickets to Suzi's tour visit suziruffell.com You can catch Suzi on the her podcast's Like Minded Friends with Tom Allen and Big Kick Energy with Maisie Adam. If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Today, get Huel’s full Lite & Lean Starter Kit online with our code SMA30 for 30% off at https://huel.com/SMA30. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, you are listening and watching Shagmaryd Noid. Please keep me anonymous. Hello, and we are joined this week by the incredibly funny comedian, Susie Ruffel. We had a wonderful chat. Very funny lady. Very, very funny. Susie is a stand-up. We started around about the same time.

Me and Susie, I've known her for years. She does a podcast with Tom Allen called Like Mide and Friends and a podcast with Maisie Adam called Big Kick Energy, which is on talking about her tour, which you're going to go and see, aren't you? I am. It sounds amazing. She's got a musical theatre background, so it's a very sort of, Theatery, us theatre kids, we'll love it, guys.

Yeah, she said at one point, in me show there's some light and state changes and Rosie literally lost our mind. Right. You got dripping. A show's called Juggle and for tickets, Susieruffle.com, that's s u-Z-I-Ruffle.com. Like the chocolates.

Yeah? No, spell different. Great. Unhelpful, completely unhelpful edition there by Rosie. Thank you for liking and rating and subscribing. Please subscribe if you're watching this on YouTube, and just enjoy. We had a fight about the jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle

Jingo So this is the Jingle Jingo We hope you like the jingle Bhabo do babado do babadu babadu babadu ba Jingo Funky trainers I said that

Oh my Jacob would love them My cousin used to work in like a really cool shoe shop in Newcastle And he was just every time he seen him he had like the coolest fucking trainers on. He's obsessed. Is that, I go shopping? Do you? There's a Nike outlet near Birmingham.

I was like, I've got four hours before a show. My God, shopping. I've got a thing with shopping where when I'm in... You can't be trusted without raising. How did you know? I'd literally dress them. So, well, so the sort of, the sub-headline would be I just buy the same

colour stuff all the time. So stuff basically the colour of these curtains greens. No, no. After three, what colour do you buy which I hate? Which you don't even suit. Oh, one, two, three. Burgandy. Fucking Burgundy. So I buy Burgundy and she hates Burgundy so much.

I buy burgundy stuff. I buy like olive green. Like I literally, I walk around a shop and I be like oh, I pick loads of things up and then I go to the dress and the change room whatever and I'm like, these are all fucking khaki black or olive green. like all the same colours, it's all I do. You want to look like you're in the army or something? Someone asked me, are you in the tea?

Someone at the gym said that. Are you in like the tea? I know the one that you've always got like green trousers and white. Why do you never tell me these things until we're sad? What a terrible way to... What a horrible way to find out your dress like shit. Well, I was going to say that he didn't recognise you. Not a noise...

What terrible way to find out of you. Where do you from? No, they know who I am. The gym is just one of them. He's like, Shush, sure, sure. They know who I am at the gym. Don't worry, they do.

No, definitely, no, he needs. I've got me green pants off and I've got me Christmas, T-Dajure on. But yeah, the thing with me your shopping is, now when I'm on tour especially, so I'm sitting in a hotel room

and I've got about time to kill, I'll go like, oh, I should, you know, go to the shops, and I walk around shops. Well, basically, if I'm on my phone and I'm looking online, I look at stuff and I go, oh, no, I should be in the shop

trying this on. And the minute I go to the shop, I go, why have I done this to myself? Why am I in a shop? looking online, I can't shop, I'm fucking terrible of chopping. I'm dog-shipping chopping. Rosie buys and I need all my stuff now. I think that's, but you don't know nice today.

She bought all of this. There you go. Thank you. Like all of it. Is this marriage counselling? One of us. What do you enjoy buying? So, ah, just buy tops. Yeah, I'll buy a lot of t-shirts.

Yes. Buy a lot of t-shirts and got quite a lot of sort of shackets. Yeah, I love a shacket. I love a court me. Oh yeah. Love a court. Yeah, love a coat, love a shacket.

Yeah. My mum bought my dad a shacket, but she got confused halfway through telling me and she told me that she bought him a shumper. She knew it was two words put together, but she hadn't quite, she hadn't quite, she was like, you know, you know what I mean, a shumper. And I was like, oh, I love you so much. Oh, God, love that. A shumper. Yeah. She knew that she had to do a bit emerging.

So a shumper would be either a, like, a wool shirt or maybe a, you know, like, a, you know. Like a jogging bottom. I have a shumper. Do you? I have a jumper type material that's got a collar. Yes. I do have a shumbo. Do you remember when they were really in for men?

Like a rug atop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, but I'm thinking of, do you remember when they used to like sew in a collar? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would look like, do you know what I'm talking about? No, I don't know what you're talking about. I do.

I do. I think you need to coin the word shumper very quickly. Yeah, I know, I love it. I need to leave. Is that all right? I've got a couple of patterns I need to create. Can remember when we have that billionaire on, that Susie Ruffle? And she left halfway through, and then she created that Shumpur Empire.

Remember, we never saw, you know, she bought an island. She bought an island. You know, Shumper Island? Oh, don't. I thought I'd invented something the idea. Genuinely, because I do a lot of emails in the car. Sure. Just I don't know why the fuck.

I've got an office. She's busy. She's doing a lot of things. No, she's doing the last fucking minute is what she's doing it on the way somewhere. I get, I've got more energy. I don't know what it is. Are you like this? Oh my God, I need a deadline.

Oh, fuck me. Oh God. Don't give me a month. Oh, because I'll do it a day before. No way. Yeah. Could you get these Q&As back to us? You can do it by Friday, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 10 to 5 on Friday.

I'm like, come on, wrong. End of day. It's not by the end of day. Oh yeah, I'm like that. But I was checking my emails in the car. And I just thought, no, not driving, on the drive, I promise you, on the drive, I promise. So, and then I was like, wouldn't it be great if you could just have like a

table on the wheel to put your laptop on fully blown attached to the wheel a table they exist it's already thinking yeah they exist they exist with cup holders on

and everything people do them for takeaways yeah what the fuck I don't know so they exist I'm really sorry it's okay

it must have been a real high and then I genuinely was like this is it should already book a spot on dragons den that's it and she can't back out she's actually got to go on now

yeah yeah yeah she has to come and she has to come and she's going yeah Rosie I don't think you've really thought this through She'll come up with the day before, it's fine. Do you know what?

I arrive on the drive so many times and you're just on the drive. You're just sitting in the car on a drive. Do me emails. Like I pull up my out and I look and she's just in the other car and I'm like, what the fuck? Just just sitting there. I think because when I go in the house

there's just loads of stuff to do. That's what it is, I think. It's just like dishes and like just shit. Kids? Yeah. We've got two. That's what it is. Yeah, we've got two kids.

Well, you've got one. Daughter. How old? Five. Nice. We got five. How are you almost five? Yeah.

five. Yeah. Yeah, great. Good age. Yes, really good. Yeah. Yeah. She's super fun. It's lovely. Yeah. I mean, it's Naccarin. Oh, yeah. Of course it is. I can't work out. I keep trying to work out if I'm in the peri menopause or if I'm just in the busiest phase of my life. Sorry, Rosie wasn't just talking about that. Rosie's always talking about that. Carry on. How are you? You don't mind me asking. I'm 40. You're 40, yep. Whether I'm, I can't work out whether I'm just like, well, I'm on tour and I'm writing stuff and I'm a mum. So that's a lot of busy things. things to be doing.

Yeah. Or whether my, my energy levels are dropping off. They are because I had my first one at 29 and I was a lot happier than I am now. Just happier as in... Just, no, just dealt with it better.

I mean. I dealt with it better. Now I feel mean. It's true. I dealt with it better. You dealt with what? Parenting in general? Just life.

Really? Like, I was just a bit happier. No, just that's not a bad thing. You were doing fuck all? I was not doing fuck all. What are we doing? I worked on the radio for six months.

Right, okay. Local. Are you honestly going to do this to me? I'm not, what I'm saying is you've got a lot of responsibilities and pressure now. Maybe. But I just think I'm older and I've got, and I might be going through with her own men posts

and I'm just the dips. How old are you? I'm going to be 40 in August. Same age. 86 babies. Yeah. What, yeah, month? January.

Nice. I'm already done. What date? 18th. Oh, okay. When are you? When are you? is the 7th.

I'm 30th of August. Oh, so you were one of the littlest. Oh my God, I was literally like, did terrible in my GCSAs, didn't do, copied it through my whole way through school because you were a year younger? Well, my friends are all teachers and they're like, Rosie, you, like,

because I always say like, I really struggled at school. Like, I couldn't keep up and they were like, yeah, because you were a year younger than everybody else. And I'm like, oh my God, I wish I'd stayed back and gone. I buy that in the infant school. I don't buy that when you're 15, 16. I just don't buy it. you're always a year behind if you're if you're computing.

You've been doing the same stuff. Yeah but my, I'm, I don't know. I was like... So was I'm August the 3rd and I got fucking great GCSEs. Oh God. Maybe you're just stupid. Or you're going to go on them 27 days. You were 27 days younger than me. I'm August 3rd and I did

A star 2A's 5B's 5 Cs. And you're still talking about it. Excuse me, I've achieved nothing since then. All right, fair enough, I'm just not. that clever. Yeah, you're just being really nice to you here. No, I feel school really hard as well.

I hated school. Did you? Yeah, found school very difficult but I'm dyslexic as well. Are you dyslexic? Oh, nice. That is nice. It's been incorrectly.

But I can imagine because my brother... And I didn't realize that. That's very clever. It takes a while. Very good. My brother's dyslexic as well. But never really got any sort of help at school.

You got 15 minutes extra in exams but they did just sort of make you through like the fit kid. They're like, okay, so that's finished except for everybody in the next to. Like, hello, yes. No.

So they all got up and left. Yeah, but everyone else got up and left. And then I was like, I've got another 15 minutes to like look at these questions that mean fuck all. That I'm not answering that he made. That's, I had no idea. Yeah. What are you talking dreadful? How could I tell me an extra 15 fucking minutes?

Yeah, not medically. You're just stupid. We've just been over that. Great. Brilliant. You're just lazy. Are you right? No.

No, I don't. This does feel like couples therapy. Oh, it is. Oh, my God. I do, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Babadoo, babado, babadoo, babadoo, ba'abado, ba. Tell us about your show. This is why you're here.

Yes. Are you on tour now? I'm on tour currently. I am. The juggle it's called. The juggle. Because you have to name your show before you write it. Horrible, in it?

Absolutely horrible. The classic thing. And then I knew that it would be, I mean, like any of us, like doing a job, being a parent, then we're also at that age where our parents are getting a little bit older. Not that I have to look after even my parents at all now, but like I'm just sort of more aware of that. There's just a lot of things. that I'm, and I don't think this is specific to people that work in our industry, I think it's anyone.

And so it started off sort of being, I had bits and bobs about that sort of trying to do a lot of things. And then the show sort of shifted while I was in, while I was doing warm up shows of it. And the broad thing of what the show's about is, as I said to you earlier, I've got a five-year-old daughter, she's brilliant. And she currently has the highest opinion of me of anyone in the world. She thinks I'm great.

Yeah, they do. Oh, they do for a while. Yeah, she thinks I'm brilliant. Yeah. And the show is about me trying to be as good as she thinks I am. Oh, I love that. So it's really, it's nice and broad. I had lots of stories I could already dip into.

I had stuff about myself growing up that I'd never told on stage before, stories about, you know, the point where you realize your parents are just having a go. You know, because I feel like a day will come when she goes, oh, you're just trying at this. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. And I remember the moment that I thought that about my dad. Nice. And so I had these bits and bobs and I wanted to,

It's a really theatrical show. So there's like, there's lighting states and voice things and cues. Nice. I love that. Yeah, well, I'm from like a theatre. Big fun. Yeah. Well, I'm from a theatre background. I went to drama school and then growing up, I did lots of musical theatre.

I was really like heavily into musical theatre as a kid. And so I wanted to do a show that was, I've done a lot of sort of stand-up shows that just stand-up. This is like my fifth or sixth tour, sixth tour. And I really loved those shows. and I'm always super physical, but this time I was like, I want to write like a theatre show. Nice.

But it's like a one woman show. Like it's definitely stand up. It's definitely funny all the way through, but like I've got a theatre director. Love that. You know, I never need help writing my stand-up. I always,

it's always just me that writes my stand-up. But I wanted someone to look at it with like, oh, my God. And you could have a lighting change here. Oh my God. And you could do that here. And it goes through this. Yeah, you're very welcome.

Whenever you want to come. But yeah, so it's, I'm really proud of it. I'm really proud of it. Because, look, there are shows where you are like, I think this is a good show. I think the show stands up. I'm really, but you have different show.

But at the moment, I think I'm like, I'm, I'm the best, this is the best show that I've done for me. Because it is like, it's something a bit more theatrical. It's something a bit more, like the character's big. I can do big act outs. It's very physical. And, and it's the first time I've ever done both 45s. Usually I'd take support with me, but I was like, I want to do both 45.

So it's like, oh, oh, it's a professional. It's a proper show. I mean, Sean Walsh, surely, I want to do it. were just talking about how fucking awful that is to do. Like, fuck, get that. I'm not joking, I've done it a couple of times. I've had to go off after that first 45. And I honestly would pay any money in the world

and not have to go back on. So fair play it, you're like. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I get the support on. Sorry, I get the support on. I have the interval. I go on. I do an hour and 10, I go home. Really?

You don't see them before the interval? He'll do it. Yeah, I don't go on beforehand. No, no. So he'll go on. College doesn't go on. Then an interval. Then me.

Our and 10. Then, done. But people that come and see you must know that Carl's on. Because you guys have toured together for years, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, I give him a big up in the... I do one off stage. I get him the big up in their thing, you know, welcome.

And if you've seen me before, you'll see him, go and all this. And he's brilliant. He can turn the deadest audience in the world in an audience ready for a show. He's fantastic. So he's so. Yeah, he's brilliant. He's your best friend, which is nice. He's one of my best man.

He's actually fine. Yeah. I remember doing a weekend at the store with him years ago. I've only gig done a handful of times. Yeah. But he was just really, we just had a couple of really nice chats. And then I haven't really seen him since. You know, but you're like, oh, this is nice.

You're nice. You're nice. Let's just have a little chit-chat. Yeah, he's a lovely man. We had a nice time together. So you do 2.45s. That is, that big boy pants that like. Do you reckon? I think it is.

I think, that's proper. Because again, me and whilst we're just talking about how we're like, oh, God, I don't want to do it. I don't want to go back out. It's like, what are you doing the interval? I know what it is. What do you do in the interval? I do a crossword. Love that.

So that I don't look at my phone. That's brilliant. So the shows, I take the show in front of me. Yeah. For when I'm doing my makeup and I'll just like, just gently look at it. So I know that it's there. And then during the interview I have a cup of tea. Sometimes I did a little bit of chocolate just to keep the sugar up.

Nice. And then I'll do a crossword. That's really good. Because I'm, I kind of hate my phone. Yes. Yeah. I love it, but I hear. Yeah, I mean, it's really difficult.

And there was a period where I would like go on stage during the intervals of my shows. and now I don't go on my, now I don't go on Instagram or anything after the shows because what I found that I started doing was that I'd have a tour show and I'd be like, that was great, they all laughed, they all clapped,

that was lovely. And then I'd get in the car for the journey home and I'd go on to Instagram and I'd need people to tell me again how great I am. And I was like, this is insane. Like the moment, they all laughed.

Yeah. They all clapped. It's the most honest. It's the most honest, instant feedback you'll ever get. Absolutely. But then it was like, well, that well can never be full.

Yeah. If I need to, if I've just been told that I did a great show and then I need to tell me in a different way through a different medium. All you're going to possibly get

out of that that you didn't get in the room is the one person in the back left-hand corner who you didn't say you didn't like it who maybe's going to tell you that you didn't. Or, I don't need that in my life. Or I'll just go, there's 400 people in tonight. And they all like,

But I've only had 10 messages. And you go, that's insane. I know. I can't. Yeah. We can't live like this. Why aren't they telling me it's all good? Like, how much can I be told that I'm going to be sick?

But that's what I can't be, like, so I've, yeah. What, what, what? What, I don't even know what the percentage on that is? No, 0.4% kickback? It's not a bit. Oh my God. Yeah. But it's crazy.

Like you can't. I think that, I mean, I don't know if it's the same with you, Chris, doing like, like, stand-up, like, where. that like it's it's so much so much of my stand-up and it might be the same for you Rosie like so much of my self-worth has always been so heavily linked to my career yeah that like I got to a stage where I was like I really need to like not make this like it it needs to I need to do like the show be proud of the show the show is the work and then kind of everything that happens around that yeah I have to kind of like let go I've never actually heard it said like that

Yeah. But mine isn't. But I think yours, I don't want to speak for you. But I think you put a lot of self-worth on how you're doing in your career. Mine's my, mine's my mom and dad. Oh, I love that. Mine is like as long as my daughter says that. Honestly, and I don't know, I don't know if my parents know the power they have on us,

in a lovely way. Like genuinely, as what? That's just nice. Oh, no, just as long as my mom and dad are proud of us and like happy with what I'm doing. I don't really care about anybody else's opinion. What's that like? Is that big? Is that deep? Yeah.

Oh my God. Oh my God. It must be amazing. I need strangers to tell me I'm brilliant. I'm talking. I didn't mean to go deep, but it's just it's true. I think let's go deep. Yeah, let's go fucking deep.

No, I think that I think that, yeah, my worth has always been the price other people have given me. Right. And so I, but, you know, I have had to sort of work out how to not do that. Because otherwise I think that you're never. Because that opens you up to be. So obviously if you get negative, that must be really, really hard. Yeah, and like...

Which I know it is. I mean, I... This isn't an invitation, by the way. Listeners. If you've ever seen me and not liked me. But I've rarely had sort of anyone being like, you're terrible at stand-up, even though I'm sure some people don't like what I do. But I've never really had that.

The only stuff that I've ever got is like sort of really horrible homophobia. And so that that's sort of the weird thing of like, oh, God. Well, if I take... everyone else's opinion, do you really hate me and you really don't like me? So it's, you just got to be, um, mindful of like, and I think especially when you're like, going on stage every night, like stand up is so revealing. Yeah.

You're, you are naked. Yeah. I mean, I've got clothes on. Don't, don't, don't take the more star form in my opinion. Yeah, like it's really in the moment. It's really in the room. You can't really, you can't sort of, it's not like if you're in a play with lots of other people and you can. Oh, you can't hate for me at all.

Yeah. And so it's like your, your day is your day. It's hard. I've never done it, but when we did the tour... Yeah, because you did the live shows, don't you? We did the live show. And the second half of the show was completely unscripted. And I was just... I remember some nights going, what the fuck?

Like, I'm used to singing and dancing on the stage. I just having something to fall back on. And it was fucking terrifying. So I've never done actual stand-up comedy, but I can imagine... Well, I think it's a similar thing. It's just how exposing it can feel. So you've never had anyone... telling you, like online, like you bad, you're not, you're not going to get my messages.

Do you know, people are back in the days of Twitter? And I'm sure people have been like, I don't get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't really care. I'm like, oh, if you don't get it. Like, that's, that's okay. Like, I guess the ones that I've received have been, it's more about people that I want to like me telling me I'm good at stuff.

You know? I get it. But, but it's, I don't think you were alone in that. I think that's a normal feeling. I think everybody, to an extent. And I think it's very normal for stand-ups. Definitely. I think they're...

The more I meet, the more I understand. My little poppies. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Little dancing dogs. Oh, for sure. Yeah, get my taps out.

What's your favourite musical theatre show? Oh, that's hard. Or top three, if you want. No, no, no. I mean, it sort of depends what day it is. Love a bit of Sondheim. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, love a bit of Sondheim.

Love a bit of... Companies, probably my favourite Sondheim. Nice. Love a chorus line. Love the opening number. Lovely. It's great. Watched a lot of that when I was a kid, like watched and listened to a lot of that as a kid growing up. Then, you know, love the big shows. Love a bit of Lamez.

That's my favourite. I know it's so like, mostly. Love Les Miserables. Love Les Miserables. Love it. You've seen Le Mises. Yeah. It's great.

Yeah. But I'll go and see anything. Yeah, same. You know, and I love watching people like being. I love watching people like, I think you can tell when you watch a show of like people like thriving. Oh my God. People like doing like the thing that they fucking love.

Yeah. It's a lovely thing to witness. It's unreal. Are you enjoying the tour? I'm loving it. Yeah. Yeah, I really, I don't know about you, but when I, during, I mean, it feels like a thousand years ago now,

but I remember during lockdown when we couldn't gig, a lot of my comedy mates were like, oh, it's great not gigging. I really missed it. I was devastated. Yeah, I feel like you were like me. My first gig after strictly. So we did Strictly, did all the dancing

And then the Strictly lot did the tour The Arena Tour, the Strictly Tour Which they asked us to go on numerous times But I said no, I'm writing me stand-up tour But when you should have done this, does I sell me stand-up tour My first night in March Was Hackney Empire, sold out That night, he told people not to go to restaurants and bars

Did you do the show? No, I didn't, but cancelled the show Does he Chris had a breakdown? A full breakdown. I was on, I was on, well then, I had the, thank for you the podcast kept it was going I was on a birthday cake, week. Well, there you go.

I was just going to the shop. What kind? Just a Medea sponge, just, you know, son of hedgehog cake, Mario cake, whatever happened to be in the shops. To the point of where my birthday rolled around and I wasn't asked about cake because I'd been having one a week. I didn't actually get you a cake, baby. I didn't get one because what's the point? Well, you're type two diabetes by then.

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But yeah, I feel like we're cut from the same cloth in that we like love it. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, you've got a little spark back. I've got a little spark back. Because I didn't do it for ages because we got the podcast. We did this and I just didn't do one. It's been amazing because I've stayed at home loads to, I went five-year-old.

I fucking changed more of his nappies than I did of the 10-year-old. I'm telling you, man, because when the 10-year-old, I went back on tour when he was 10 days old, didn't I? But the youngest one I've seen. It was crazy. Yeah. And now that I'm back, I'm like probably a month and a bit into the tour. And I'm absolutely buzzing to be back on the road. And I still, here's a question.

I just talked about this on our recent podcast. I still have moments on stage where I'm on there talking and I look out in the crowd and I see them all sitting in the little seats and they're looking at us and they're laughing. And I think, what the fuck are you not doing here? What are you doing, sitting listening to me talk? What the hell? And I can't believe me.

Look, that they're there. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I still get that. I'm like, this is mad. Yeah, I love that. See them coming in? Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah. I feel like, I think it's a. privilege. I think it's not cool, is it to be like, I love, like, it, the cooler thing to do in comedy is to be like, oh, audiences are really hard work, you know, like, you know, and I think to be kind of down on it. Yeah. But I fucking love it. I love doing comedy. I thought I'm, like, so lucky that I get to do this with my life. That's lush. It's, it's such a joy. It's such a joy. We love these days with all you lot coming in and talking everyone. We love us, don't we? It's really, it's a nice, it's, you know, it's a lovely thing to be able to do and to do

something so creative. It's just, yeah, it's great. I love it. Good. I'm glad. I'm glad. It says on here, there's really random, fun fact. Yeah, we've got some random facts that I'm very concerned about. What is this one? It is you embarrass yourself in front of Melsie. Oh yeah, I did. What is that? That was in my last

tour show in that I, so I had a crush on Malsi when I was growing up. Didn't we all? Sure, right? And I thought she was gay in my like sort of 13 year old head because I was like, she's got traxie bottoms on. She's so good. She can do a backwards, walk over. I mean, I guess that means she's gay. Was she ever gay?

No, no. No, she's always been sick. You know, vibe. I don't know the end of amounts. Yeah. But she certainly has a slight vibe. Yes. You know, she's got the tattoo going around the arm.

I mean, sure. Yeah. And, I mean, if you've ever been to one of her gigs, I mean, it's water wall to all dikes. But, honestly, not a sausage insight. It is just going to go in. So everyone else thought this is. Waterwall Dykes is an incredible review. Holy shit.

I've never heard that phrase in my life. I don't. It's not really a phrase. It is now. Yep. Take that on Dragon's Den. She needs to call it to a Walt Walt Dane. So,

and so I, so I, so I, yeah, so I had a bit of a crush on Mell C as I was growing up. And then not that long ago, I'd not long been opening on the road for Alan Carr, so I used to open for Alan quite a lot. And he knew I was massive Spice Girls fan. and like all music of kind of that era and then Alan rang me one day

and was like, I've got tickets to go and see All Saints. Do you want to come? And I was like, yeah, I definitely want to come. He was like, is it Coco? It's like a really small gig. And I've got like a ticket for like the friends and family area. And I was like, yes, Alan, I will be there with you.

So I went as Al's plus one. And then he was like, oh, Mel C's behind us. And I was like, and like, I couldn't really believe it. And have you ever had that? Because I think, you know, sometimes we're doing our job, you meet other famous people that are like in your world.

So we've all met all the standups. Yeah. I mean, you've met all the standups that you watched growing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, you're like, oh my God, I sort of know Jack D, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, you know these people,

I know Michael McIntyre a bit, that's weird. And then, but then with someone that's like... It's another level, isn't it? Yeah, and like, you know, that a fandom that you only really get when you don't have a life. You know when you're a kid? Oh, God, I love the Spice Girls. Well, of course.

Like, yeah. With the Spice Girls, I remember I used to think, oh God, I would love it. I would have fantasies where I would think, God, I'd love it if the Spice Girls tour bus like broke down outside my house. There it is. Come and have a cup of tea at my house. I have these like mad dreams of that. Anyway. Because you're 11.

Yeah, exactly. And so Alan was like, oh, Suez. And he was like, oh, do you want to meet her? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, I do. And then he took me over to her And she's really nice She was like, oh hi, I'm Mel

And I was like, this is Susie She's a stand-up, she opens me on tour She's like, oh you're like Susie, you're a stand-up, that's cool And I was like, and I didn't, I couldn't speak Stop it, you didn't see anything It's the only time in my life that I've ever not been able to speak I was like Oh my gosh

And there was quite a lot of silence That's fucking revolve. Yeah, it's really great It's an egg for sure And then after a while the only thing I managed to say was you mean a lot to me and you always will Yeah

Shut the fuck up man Yeah no Oh No it's terrible isn't it And then Alan went Oh she's gone weird I'll take her away It's terrible isn't it

It was so embarrassing I've met her again since Oh thank God And obviously she didn't remember meeting me Because I imagine people do that to her every day Because she's a spice girl But yeah I just It was the only time that I've ever been like

what did you see? I love you so much and you mean a lot. No, you mean locked me and you always will. I mean, it's so... I'm going to be honest with it. It's the always will.

Yeah, it's really awful. You're really awful. You know, and I always Yeah, I mean, the cute thing is, is that... I love that it was Al-N car. Sorry, I love that it was An car. She's gone all weird.

Yeah. What a fucking... Oh, sorry, she's gone weird. Took me a word. What a belter. But then the very sweet thing is that after my shows at the moment, I'm doing a signing

because I've just done a book. Yeah. And a couple of people have said to me when I'm signing their bit, they say, you mean a lot to me, you always will. That's nice. Let me know they saw the last tour as well, which is really easy.

I love that. Yeah, it's really sweet. But yeah, I embarrass myself in front of a spice girl. That's fine. I think you're allowed to. Like, they're mega stars. Yeah, it's huge. You know what I mean?

I don't even know what I would do. Like, I just... I was once opening for Joe Lyset and Mel B was in the audience. Wow. And then she came backstage afterwards. Sure. Yeah.

And we were chatting. And then she put me on her. her Instagram and was like, oh, I saw this comedian, Susie Ruffer, she was so funny. And Flomacent rang me and was like, like, we can carry on working, but is like, you might want to retire now. I don't know, like, in a funny way, like,

I don't know if it'll ever get better. I mean, yeah, it's very cool. I met Mel, but I told you about when I met Melby. So I did, I did lip sync battle. Oh, my God. Yeah, and she was the horse, her in Pro Green were the hosts. And then afterwards, she was so cool and so lovely. And she was like, oh, my God, you're so funny and blah, blah.

and she was like, have you got a DVD? And I had my DVD with us, my first DVD. And she was, oh, I'd love that, can I have,

can I, and I gave her it. And I've never seen her since. I've never seen her since. I've never heard anything from her. I imagine she either lost it or watched it and hated it. In all honesty,

I hope she's forgotten and I hope I never see her again because seeing a spice girl again years later and she and going, did you see me DVD? And her going, yeah, it would be the worst feeling.

That's nice. That's nice, That's really good. Dead in resting, dead and rested, dead. Took me DVD and I was like, oh my God, no, these just took me DVD. That's amazing. How long ago was this? DVDs? Yeah. We were together. What the fuck?

Yeah, yeah, it was mad. Oh, God, that's gross. Yeah. Wait, how long, you got, how long have you guys been together? 12 years, I'm there. And how long have you been doing stand-up? Nearly 20 years. Really?

Yeah, next year, it'll be 20 years. I was in the 2007 Chortle student comedian competition. Granddad. So, yeah. So it'll be two decades next year. So Chris was a standout when you met him? Yeah? Sorry, yeah.

We met pot me, yeah. You were, but you were. We met first one were like 13, but I was a stand-up. Yeah. We live in the same hometown. What you said? I hadn't, what? You weren't like...

It's given a Spice Girl DVD. No, that was when we were together. Yeah, yeah. What were you doing when we got together? We first got together. You're all about to say that I wasn't doing that well as a comedian. Not, I didn't see you're not doing that well. Sorry, I have to stop it here.

This is a disgusting lie. I think you'll find the night we met I had my own VIP section in our local nightclub so she is full of fibs. Right. And that VIPP section how was that cordoned off?

It was a couple of ropes I brought from home. Sure. What was it? It was just a red little thing, wasn't it? A red section up in the corner of dusk, best in peace. Oh my God.

She'd knocked down. I think it's a weather spools now. Yeah, I was impressed. I mean, sure. You know what I mean? It wouldn't be. She's only human. Yeah, right.

Yeah. I had them velvet ropes. I had been through a really bad break up though do you remember? With the guy who didn't have his own VIP section Desperate times I can't imagine no I did actually have me

Ah Yeah it's funny You did not need that VIP section No one fucking knew you were I think you didn't say Did you use ones? Couple of times I wasn't a friend of the show status

But I definitely had no No True true true Right we've got a stupid going to do a story. Yes. This is grim. Yeah, we don't know.

We don't know what it is. We've never seen them. Okay. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Always. I live in Sheffield. About 10 years ago, I was out celebrating

my best friend's birthday. I was pregnant at the time and very sober. I'd popped at the toilet in the club for a wee. When I'd finished, I wiped with what was the last of the Lou Roll. As I opened the door of the cubicle, a girl flopped through the main door of the toilet. She'd obviously been on a particularly heavy session. She scrambled into an open cubicle, dropped trow with the door wide open.

So as I was standing in the basin, I could clearly see her in the reflection of the mirror. I washed my hands and was reapplying lipstick when I realised the girl had finished and was looking for toilet roll. I turned around to see if any other cubicles had toilet roll, but no joy. What happens next seemed to go in slow motion. As I turned back to tell her there wasn't any paper, she... Oh, my God. I don't know. This is very well written. I can see the place. It's extremely grim in my head. It's a nightclub.

Yeah, it says there's a little PS that says Chris Ramsey had a little area of cordoned on. That helps. Sorry, not in Sheffield. I can do that in my hometown, not in Sheffield. There's no chance I'd get a VIP section in Sheffield. Long live dusk. Yeah, long live dusk. Rest and peace.

What is she all pregnant on a nightclub? What's she done? Right. I'm going to go on a limb here and I'm going to. going to say she used our own dress to wipe our ass. I was going to say she'll shit herself, so yeah, maybe. I took an egg as often threw them down the thing, possibly. There's no toilet roll. What would you do?

There's no toilet roll. You've been in the toilet. There's no toilet. Which, presumably she's only had a way. She's had a shake, I'd just shake right on and a roll. Yeah, if it's away, yeah. Yeah, if it's a way, just give it a shake, possibly kind of wipe myself on my underwear. There it is. Goes in the wash, didn't it?

Of course. Where, do you wash us? Am I not meant to? No, I've got no idea. It's so much worse. Oh my God, is it? It's so much. It's, it's upset me.

That's, that's, that's, that's the truth. I feel upset by this. It's a pleasure to come in this podcast. What horrible do you have to talk about the Melsie thing and then this. Right, okay. God, it's worse. Ready? Yes.

Am I? She had pulled out. a used pad from the overflowing sanitary bin beside her and began to wipe. Go and get, no. My jaw dropped. She then, quick as a flash, placed it back in the bin, jumped up, pulled up her trousers and left the toilet, leaving me stood alone in the toilets to reflect on what I've witnessed. That is absolutely morose.

That's unacceptable. She's very, really shook. That's horrible. She could get her disease. Yeah. Oh, God, that's awful. Okay. I mean, I'm really sad.

Yeah, that's really bad that one. I can hear them all laughing in the other room. Yeah, that's really, I've gone awkward. We've had a really nice time. We've had a lovely time. I opened up to you about Malsy. Yeah. Talked you about how much I love stand up.

Yeah. I got deep about my mom and dad. Yeah. And then some fucking disgusting bitch is why than I've bad John it used. Sanitary town. Sanitary time. I mean, that's like sharing a needle. God, that is dying.

You know, I'm going to say, I think it's worse than sharing a needle. I think it's a better. If you're at a state, like, I mean... There's something about period blood. Your own is fine, all right? Maybe somebody else who you really fucking love is all, but a stranger's period blood. Yeah, I mean, she's got hep C.

Yeah. That's the main thing we've done. That's the least. Yeah. What the fuck. Yeah, anyway, this episode is in loving memory of that girl. Yeah. Who didn't always make great choices

But no, I have to have a good night out Which I followed through Well, I'm not Yeah, I'd just use your knickers Okay, God, I'm gonna have to go Susie Ruffle You mean so much to us and you're always well Thank you very much

God, are we leaving on that I know I'm so sorry That is what we leave on I haven't even told you about the fact that Chris was the first person I ever knew that had an iPad What? Is this true?

It's why I always think of when I think of you No way! Please tell this story this is amazing I'm so proud He's always been a spoiled brat. You were doing new material at a gig. I think in Newcastle. And I was very green.

I was quite new. You've been doing stuff for a little bit longer than me. And you were like, you were closing, but you were trying new stuff. And I was hosting. And you took an iPad on stage. And I thought, God, he must be doing so well. He can afford an iPad. And I think that most times when I see you.

That is fantastic. First person, I never met that had an iPad. Wow. And I remember you being like, yes. Like, yeah, it's just like, yeah. And I'll be like, oh, my God. And he's written up his material. And that's why I went out with you.

That's it. Wasn't that? Velvet ropes and one iPod. My guest list for the Velvet Rope section was on an iPad. Yeah. And it just said your name. Isn't it funny? Like, because obviously what sticks?

What sticks? But that person never knows. Well, yeah, that's what. I thought of it. As soon as they, like, Do you want to do Chris Marais's podcast? I was like, yeah, I'd love to. And then, like, I'd have had fantastic.

Do you know what it's so awful about me? This is why I'm a disgusting hypocrite. If I was at a gig now and someone went on with an iPad, I'd be like, look at that fucking one guy. Well, I mean, everyone did think that. But, um... Yes. I'm still new, but I'm married to you. We were.

All right. Well, you both made a lot to me. You always will. Thank you so much. Thank you, Susie. My pleasure. That is so good. Do-do.