Sh**ged Married Annoyed - The 300th Episode

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

It's Christmas AND it's the 300th episode! Join Chris and Rosie as they get in the Christmas spirit and share some festive QFTP's! All of this plus Chris has witnessed some strange behaviour in the street and they address the elephants in the room! Email the podcast [e-mail] Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As a Fizz member, you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month, every month. At Fizz, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at fizz.ca. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and BAM instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Mardinoid Christmas Special!

And 300th Special! Woooooo! Woooooo! It's in the singing of the Streetconer Choir It's going home and getting warm by the fire It's true wherever you find love It feels like Christmas A couple kindness that we share with another

A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother In all the places you find love It feels like Christmas Everybody! It is the season of the heart A special time of caring The ways of love made clear And it is the season of the spirit The message if we hear it Is make it last all year. Merry Christmas! Hey! Never, it's very well done first of all, very well done, that was lovely. The panic when you were like everyone and then I was like I don't know the fucking words and you

all read them off a laptop so that's bullshit. Okay right okay sorry I will explain the song. I just love singing right? It's off Muppets. It's off the Muppets? Yeah yeah it's off the Muppets Christmas Carol. We did it in a Christmas concert that I did explain the song. I just love singing, right? It's off the muppets. It's off the muppets? Yeah, yeah, it's off the muppets Christmas carol. We did it in a Christmas concert that I did not long ago, and I just thought it was really nice. And I thought, you know what it is? It's a really lovely Christmas song, that. You're welcome. And if you're skipping the ads,

at least you'll know you're into the podcast when you hear that song. Yes, no one skips the ads. Everyone listens to every single second of the ad. I listen to all the adverts. I listen to every podcast ad and immediately purchase whatever it is they've advertised. Same.

And that's what makes the world go round. It's gospel. It's Christmas miracle. First of all, Merry Christmas. What? Okay. Second of all, Happy 300th episode. 300th episode.

Cheers, but it's not alcohol. Is it Christmas? I don't have my Christmas. I do have a Christmas. Well look, I've got a Christmas mug. Okay, I've got a Christmas mug, okay, I've got a Christmas mug, but it does have cold coffee in it, so I'm not gonna drink that with that.

Do you know, I actually did buy some Buxfizz for Christmas morning. Should I have had some Buxfizz? Should I get with some Buxfizz? I've gotta pick the children up. Gotta drive at some point, I think. Yeah, that's the thing, we're like, yeah, come on, Plonkcast.

I think most of the Plonkcasts we did when you couldn't go anywhere during the lockdown. So it was like, Plonkcast! It was like, yeah, it's just get stopped. And one child. Yeah, and one child. But yeah, I might have to go somewhere. Should we address the elephants in the room? Two elephants called Sony.

I don't know what model they are. Cameras. Yeah. Two cameras, filming stuff. I don't know how I feel about it. Big announcement. Well I look rough as fuck. I'll be honest with you. I don't feel great. I've caught Wraith's cold. Mainly caught Wraith's cold because you and Wraith have got a new game called cough kiss. Cough kiss. Where you cough on each other's faces and then kiss each other

which is fucking horrendous. Right. And it's why I'm ill. We did it one time and he found it hilarious. Yeah, he's hung on to it. And I will do anything to make my kids laugh. Brilliant. So yeah, I'm sorry about that. Put me in the car that day, just coughed in my face. I mean, the damage has already done like, so he's being a bit snotty.

I'm just, I tell you what I've got, right? It's like the, you know that bit, the bit between your nose and your mouth. Yeah. It's fucking having a horrible, and at four o'clock this morning, I was woken up by my own snoring, and the pain I felt in that little bit of my mouth,

I think it's called your soft palate, the pain in that bit, I was like, this fucker has been rattling all night. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm doing nothing but taking first defense. I cannot, honestly. I am Mr. First Defense. This hashtag, not an ad, right? But I cannot recommend it enough. It's actually. As soon as you start feeling shit, you start lashing up your nose every half an hour. Yeah, I'm not a doctor. No, you can only take it four times a day.

Well, that might be why I'm ill then. Please stop. I took four times last night. I don't really know how I feel about filming it because I enjoyed this just being a very sort of like non-visual medium. Yeah. And I did it in my Jama's. Yeah. Most of the time didn't actually brush my teeth. I'm sure I had my LED mask on not long ago. Yeah, yeah. It was like doing it with someone off Star Wars. So this is upsetting because I've done

full hair and makeup today. I enjoy it. But it won't last. It's something nice to look at for me. You know, a bit of eye candy for the main man over here. Bit of eye candy. We've got our Christmas Jummas on. We have. Do you know this Christmas Jumma that I've got on currently, this was bought for me by the BBC. I wore this on Strictly Come Dancing. Right, okay.

So thank you. Wow, no, you want to be thanking the people listening for their, I mean, this is disgusting, their TV license money is paid for the Jumma you're wearing. Oh my gosh, no you want to be thanking the people listening for their, I mean this is disgusting, their TV license money is paid for the jumper you're wearing. Oh my gosh, thank you. This is awful. Take it off! Take it off! Wrong channel.

Ah shit. Wrong channel. Good. And I'm wearing a Homer Simpson one that I bought on Instagram. That's nice. I got me and Robin matching ones. I wish you got me one. You don't even like the Simpsons?

I... I love the Simpsons! Name ten characters like The Simpsons? I love The Simpsons. Name 10 characters from The Simpsons. Right, okay. Homer, Marge, Maggie, Lisa, Apu, Moe, Sheriff, what's his name? Chief, Wiggum. Full name please.

Chief Wiggum. There it is. Nelson. Yeah, say a name. Say a is. Nelson. Yeah. Say your name. Say your name for Nelson. Gardner. What's his surname? No, no, okay.

You can't have Nelson. You've got to pick now if you don't know his full name. Right, okay. Right. Smithers. Yeah. Mr. Burns. First name for Smithers, please.

You do not like The Simpsons. No, okay. Mr. Burns and... First name for Mr. Burns, please. Oh do not like The Simpsons. No okay, Mr Burns and... First name for Mr Burns please. Oh this is... I don't know and then Paddy and Selma. Peggy. Paddy. Paddy. Paddy. Paddy. Stop it. I do like The Simpsons. I watched it loads when I was a kid. Whalen Smithers, Montgomery Burns and Nelson Muntz. Muntz. Yeah. Okay. Ha ha! You got it wrong. Ha ha! You got it wrong. I'm obsessed at the minute of watching people who voice the Simpsons doing their voices just on Instagram. Oh my god, I sent you a video of a guy at the, he was at like a canteen buffet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's actually famous, he's in films.

He's in, he's in Friends. He goes to Minsk. That's him! Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Phoebe's boyfriend. He's in loads of stuff. Oh my gosh, he does so many voices. He's in Night of the Museum. He's got Friends, he goes to Minsk. That's him! It's Phoebe's boyfriend! He's in loads of stuff. Oh my gosh, he does so many voices. He does loads of the voices. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. It's that thing, even though I'm an adult and I know that the cartoon characters aren't real, when I see a human doing the voices, I'm like, oh my God, it's a person doing the voice.

Do you want to link into my world as well? Yeah. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, one of the women who's a friend of currently, her husband created The Simpsons, ex-husband, and guess what she got in her divorce? The pens, the yellow pens. The yellow pens, the sofa. Is this some sort of joke?

No, come on then, what'd you get? She got like part of The Simpsons. In her divorce. In her divorce. Fucking hell. Yeah, and it was when it wasn't that big, like when it kinda just started. Oh my God. And now she's like god, so Matt Groening was her husband

Great, so you don't listen to it. Great. I don't know what surname is. Do you want me to find out? I don't care that much. Is it Matt Groening? You see it good. I think it's pronounced Groening. I mean feel free to just correct me on everything I do but the minute I do it to you, it's well because you're wrong. It's Groening. It's Matt Groening It's spelled Groening, but every time I do it to you, it's... Well, because you're wrong, it's graining. It's macroning. It's spelled groaning, but every time I heard it said, it's macroning. This, why am I being attacked by a woman in a Christmas jumper that she has fraudulently obtained

from the hard work and licensed payers of this country? Why? Why am I? Don't, because I can't actually, I need to apologize, right? If this is a little bit uncomfortable, this episode, it's because I'm really aware of my face right now, because we're getting filmed and I'm aware right we're married. Don't change anything. No I know but we're married right most of the time when you speak I'm

You know I don't really listen and I feel like my face is just gonna be like this. Yeah I'm doing a really bad facial expression I just feel like I don't listen to you properly and I'm really sorry and I think people are gonna watch and go She is such a bitch. That's fine I think I think we're give and take as much as you know you take the piss out of me and you're helping me out correctly for stuff and take the piss when you get things wrong. It's all good it's all good listen welcome to the 300th episode thank you so much if you've listened from the start and if you've listened from the start you will know quite well that this

sound is very triggering for one of our listeners because it sounds like when our son runs in the room naked and shakes his knob about and that's the noise of his... But you remember? Oh, God! Oh, yeah. Yeah. So she said, please stop clapping. She said, please stop clapping. I doubt she's listening still, but she said, please stop clapping because my son has taken to walking into the room with nothing on after a shower and like thrusted back and forward and his knob basically slapping off his...

Kirsty You don't know how old our son is. Adam You can do daft stuff like that in your house. Do you know what I mean? You can do things like that. Kirsty But how big is his knob? That's what I mean. Must be an older son. Our kids couldn't do that. Adam Well, yeah, but he's...I don't know. But I know what you mean. He's not a child child. Kirsty We should have addressed this at the time. It's actually disgraceful all right well a very well

endowed son congratulations mate walks in the room legend and this is just definitely not listening now how these people live so listen it's episode 300 thank you for being here thank you for watching if you're watching I don't releasing the full thing I just clips really not sure haha haha that's just just waving at the cameras like a couple of dicks and it is episode three on it it's time this week for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor and is it Christmas related sort of I'm seeing it a lot it's popping up now and then I'm saying fat with me notes oh my god I don't even know what my sponsor is no I

do and this week's sponsor is wearing a hat and a big coat and shorts. Make your mind up mate. Are you cold or are you hot? I don't understand. Who's doing that? Seen it so much. Supermarket. So much. Bloke's walking around.

I, bloke's. Trainers. Shorts. Fucking massive footballer manager jacket. Woolly hat. Wild. Are you hot or are you cold? Make, make, like...

We've talked about this a lot. No, but you're at the supermarket, mate, but you look like you've just quickly hide some clothes on to put the bins out. What's going on? That's the sponsor. Why do men love wearing shorts so much? Again, I genuinely think most of them have calf tattoos and they want to get their money's worth of their calf tattoo. Right. I'm 99% sure that most men who just wear shorts exclusively have calf tattoos. Although, sorry, techies do it quite a lot. Techies always wear shorts unless it's like real, like techies in theaters and stuff, unless it's horrendous.

And God, we're mentioning them a lot recently. Derek, our carpet fitter, always got shorts on. Always got shorts on. But that might be something to do with him doing the carpet. Well, he probably gets boiling hot. Yeah, yeah. Puts his little knee pads on. What was I gonna say?

Do you know something, right, I was gonna say... I know loads of things. Just when you mentioned coughs there, right? I get really freaked out by coughs. Why? Because, have you ever seen a man's cough, especially, right? Not so much women, but a man's cough who like obviously rides a bike and they get strong. I saw one yesterday.

Yeah, they freaked me out because I feel like they're gonna just snap. I saw one yesterday, so I've got okay coughs. I'm not, you know, they're all right. I've looked for a while. Oh, brilliant. Mara just loves dead. The magic's over. Stop looking at the camera. You're full on David Brenton it. I've told you this, no, it's Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Just a little glimpse now and then, a little glimpse now and then just to freak them out. I was behind a guy yesterday in the car. It happens a lot. I was driving along and sometimes someone is in front of me on a bicycle and I'm just like fucking hell. Massive. Them coughs. Fucking hell, like the Hulk's dick. But the- In the back of his-

The Hulk's dick. I can imagine the Hulk's dick to be quite small. Don't know why. No, that's why he's fuming all the time. I don't know. Yeah, that's why he's fucking going off at any. Cause he grows up, he's not even angry. He just grows massive, but the only thing that doesn't grow is his knob. Oh

Raging any that's what why Hulk smash Hulk kind of smash Hulk kind of find it. Um Should we play the jingling crack on with the 300 mega episode! Let's do it! Yeah! We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Mar De Noy. Now this is the 300th episode. Chris has not heard this yet, but I've got something really special to play you. Do you remember, um, sums in the steam on the shower screen?

Absolutely. They've been back in touch. No. They've made me something really special. Oh! I'm going to play it for you now. Oh my god! Enjoy. They've made for something really special. Oh, I'm gonna play it for you now. Oh my god. Enjoy Award-winning laughs arenas they packed Chris and Rosie the comedy act with wine in hand the plug cast was born for pandemic

Loaves and nights forlorn they laugh through lockdown cried through stress and somehow turn chaos into success They come and go my guy golf guy Peloton pro omelet guy BJJ He's always keen Rosie stuck with the crisps and the wine routine. Sandra and Derry, made by Kate McHaff. Nana Bridget's calls we'll never forget. Chris's mom and dad, the stories they bring. This mad podcast covered everything, from what she eats to aches and beats,

laughs, bickers, and comic relief. 300 down, cheers to comedy The chocolate shaped pig, Mr. OCD. How fucking talented are these people? So good. Oh my God. Wow. I literally feel really emotional.

How lovely is that? Thank you so much. They don't want me to use a real name. I think they must have quite a really important job. Yeah, so thank you so much. Oh wow. Thank you. That's amazing. Thank you. That's buzzed. I'm so happy. 300 episodes, Chris. Five years we've been doing this. Five years. Like, like, mad. mad. Thank you so much. We don't over egg the pudding, but thank you. Oh, sorry. We don't over egg the Christmas pudding. There it is. It's a Christmas episode, isn't it? But thank you. Do you put eggs in them? I don't know. But thank you

so much for everyone who's been listening and supporting and you've come to the shows and you've just made this like legit, like the funnest fucking job in the world. It's mad, isn't it? It's mad mad and I don't even have to leave the house. It's the best job I've ever. Exactly, go put makeup on now, don't do your hair. So that's a bit exciting. This will last a week.

I'm not doing this next week. Yeah, this too will pass. I've come here man, honestly, absolutely not. No, I'm not doing that. So, as it is, I've got a couple of things that I've been holding on to that I need to get off my chest. Holding on to you.

Stop it. Couple of things that I've had on my chest that I need to get off. Yeah. As on to you. Stop it. Couple of things that I've had in my chest that I need to get off. Yeah. As it's Christmas, as it's the festive season. Yeah. I thought I would come clean about something. I've got two things.

I've got a thing I saw that I've been dying to tell you and I've got nothing that I need to come clean about. Which one do you want first? The thing you saw. The thing I saw. I'll say I love a confession. OK. So yesterday. Oh, what have yesterday, nearly phoned you to tell you. Yesterday I was driving along and I was,

I don't know what, is it a pelican? I think we've done this before. What's the one where you press the button with the green man? Pelican. Maybe. It was one of them. The other one's a zebra. One of them's a zebra.

That's a pelican. Is it pelican? Right. I think so. We're fucking crossing, right? There was a bloke waiting. And I looked and he was a fully grown man, must have been maybe a couple of years younger than me maybe, tall guy. So like, so 36?

Ish. And I just looked, and he had what looked like a really long lollipop. He just had it in his mouth and he was just holding on and I was like, right? I was like, initial I was like, weird. Just a little bit weird, just sucking on a lolly. No, if you like a lollipop, you like a lollipop, fair enough, but I was like, he's just fucking weird. What was he? I hate seeing grownups sucking on lollies.

It's awful. What was it? He was brushing his teeth. Why, where? At the crossing, he's brushing his teeth. So he had it like that and I looked and then he sort of turned it the other way and I was like, and then I realized he was going back and forth. He's brushing his teeth at the crossing, he's brushing his teeth. So he had it like that and I looked and then he sort of turned it the other way and I was like and then I realized he was going back forward. He's brushing his teeth at the crossing. He's brushing his teeth. I nearly crashed

my car. Oh, so you were in the car? I was in the car driving past. So confused. So he pressed the button but it hadn't stopped my car but I looked in my mirror, he walked across, he spat on the road, the toothpaste spat on the road, kept walking and just put the toothbrush into a bin and kept walking down the street. It turned from really weird to really fucking cool.

There was something quite cool about it. He was just brushing your teeth. He spit in the bin, places to go, and he just fucking sawn it off and I was like... Oh, he's a slag. What? Do you reckon? He's a total slag. He's a total slag. Do you reckon that's what was like... Oh, he's a slag. What, do you reckon? He's a total slag. He's a total slag. Do you reckon that's what's happened?

Yeah, he's gone with it. He's on his way back from a one night stand and he's nicked a toothbrush and he's brushing on the way and then he's off to meet his last. There's nothing cool about that. That is the biggest, no, I'm sorry. The way he did it.

That is the biggest ick I've ever known in my life. What, a blo... What, right, okay, okay, right, okay. You're going on a date. Right. Let's ignore that he's a slag and he's been having a one night stand. That's just where my brain goes, right? I'm going on a date with someone, okay? Yeah.

Right? Just let these be on the curtain here. Rosie thinks everyone is cheating on everyone constantly. All the time. Um. It's just our default. I don't! It's just our default.

Alright, sorry. You see him in the supermarket buying two loaves of bread. He's got two families. Maybe he's one. Rosie, maybe he's one family just eats loads of bread. Nah, he's got two families. He's dropping off his other family on the way home. Well, he can't have two families.

Wouldn't happen. Oh no, I don't think everyone's cheating on everyone. I'm not starting another podcast with another woman. I'm not dating it. Imagine. Imagine. No, I don't think everyone's cheating on everyone. I'm just, the older you get,

the more you know about life and you know, and like, and I'm sorry, right? I'm in a lovely relationship. I love you and I wanna be with you until the day I die, but I'm very aware that time is a long thing and we might get sick with each other. And I think life, I hate it when people leave each other. There's so many people in the world,

people meet other people. Yes, so many people in the world. People meet other people. Yes, there's horrible ways that it happens and I do not condone cheating on your partner at all. But you know, if somebody does, I don't think they're the worst person in the world. Is that? I don't know. Sounds like you're laying the foundations for when you announce that you're being cheated on. No, I'm not. Chris, can I tell you right now? I fucking could not be arsed. I could not think of anything worse. But anyway, it's Christmas, let's not talk about cheating.

I'm going on a date with this guy, right? Is he fit? Was he fit? I'd say he's fit. I'm going on a date with someone ugly. He was to the point of where I thought that might be the first time he's brushed his teeth. All right, this changes everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm seeing him, in my head, he's wearing loafers, a beige coat and one of the monkey scarves. No, no, no. Right, alright, okay. No, he was, he was, tracksuit and a jumper, a hoodie, all black and a shaved head. But he was brushing his teeth in the street. Okay, it was changed. But it was something about the brush, brush, brush, spit, tooth blister in the bin, didn't

break stride, kept walking. And I just thought, I went from thinking you are a little bit weird, grown man with a lollipop, to why the fuck you're brushing your teeth, to do you know what, if you're gonna brush your teeth in public, style it out like that, I mean, waste of a toothbrush. Yeah, I didn't recycle it.

Didn't recycle it, no, no. Can you recycle toothbrushes? No, I think the single use. Great. All I was gonna say is, if I was going on a date with someone and he turned up and I seen him walking over the road brushing his teeth and hiding it in the deep bin, I would I'd probably leave. Right. Okay. I'd probably go either you need to tell us you're going to the

dentist. Yeah. Right now. Yeah. Or I don't know. Or you've ate some bird shit by accident and you had to go off license. Other than that, why are you brushing your teeth in the street? You've ate some bird shit by accident and you had to go with off-license. Other than that, why are you brushing your teeth in the street? Adam's voice is echoed. So, in this scenario, he was walking down the street, a bird is shot into his mouth, and he's quickly popped into the chemist, grabbed a toothbrush and done that. Because that's what I would do. Alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, then later in the day, is he gonna go into his pocket, is there gonna be a full tube of toothpaste in his pocket? Or is he just happy to see you? I don't know. Well, this is a bit like you when you got mouthwash in the car and you always, like it's horrible, sometimes we'll be going shopping and you're like by the door, mouthwashing and gurgling that and he's spitting on the floor and I'm like, oh Jesus Christ. Oh yeah, you will regularly see me in the, everyone in the North East, you will regularly see me in a car park, whether it be in the Metro

Centre, whether it be outside the gym, I will be spitting mouthwash onto the floor. I'll be, and you will go, how much saliva is that bloat got? It's mouthwash. Have a mint. Like what are you mouthwashing for? Off the sugar, aren't I? I don't, mouthwash isn't that good for you, you know? No. Apparently.

Great. What is, what's the point? Nothing, Chris. What's the point? Nothing's good for you. Honestly, fucking pointless. What was your confession? Okay, my confession is, and I've been sitting on this one for a while, we did a pilot recently

and we watched the pilot yesterday. Now, there's a part of the pilot, I don't want to go into too much of what it is, but there's a part of the pilot towards the end where we're standing doing a thing. We're standing, there's a man and a woman there and there's me and you, right? We're standing there. Do you know exactly what I'm talking about? Yes. And after we did it, you said to me, oh, that bloke was farting the whole time we were doing that. It was me. It was me. It was me. I stood on that. As I watched the pilot back yesterday, I watched it. It was great. And I watched thinking I farted so much there. It's fucking disgusting.

So much. I couldn't, I could not stop farting. It was fucking disgusting. So much. I couldn't stop thoughtin'. You blamed it on that man. Yeah, and you know what, I watched it yesterday and I felt bad and I thought, you know what, I don't want Rose, when we were watching it, and I know that you were thinking, he fought it loads, it wasn't him it was me. How awful, because my impression of that lovely man

who came on the show is that he's donkin'. Yeah, Guy, if you're listening, you know who you are when we did the pilot, you know what we did on the show is that he's de honking. Yeah guy if you're listening you know who you are when we did the pilot you know what we did on the pilot and your wife and anything you smelt on that that was I couldn't stop. You're horrible. I couldn't stop. Why would you? I couldn't stop and I can't go on excuse me stop recording. Had you had hules? I'd had a hule that afternoon. You blamed him because he drinks real ale. You're horrible. I blamed him because I drinks really ill. You're horrible. You're horrible. Why didn't you just say it was you?

Because it's Christmas now and I've come clean. So there we go. Do you feel better? I actually wish I'd never told you now. I might get edited out. Got another confession for you. What? Someone reminded me of this the other day. forgot about it we did their laughs for kids gig the other night yeah arena thank you to everyone who came and donated presents 25 just under 25,000 presents we got for kids in the north we were having a drink afterwards in the

bar and I was talking to someone and out of no way I don't know why they said it but they said all like a links click. Can you remember the advert back in the day where a guy put links on and then he walked out with one of them clickers that doorman have and every time a girl looked at him, he clicked these clickers. Do you know that I sent away for one of them clickers from links? of them clickers from links. And I had one and it was the sentence one because you could just you'd said you collect the tokens or whatever off links and you sent away and I got one and it was a click and it had links written on the side. What did you use it for? I took it out once and clicked it every time a girl's looked at it.

Shut up. Shut up. I'd completely, I swear, on the children's lives, I swear I'd completely forgot about it. I'd completely forgot about it until someone said links clicker, and I literally just went, oh, and I remembered like this mortifying memory. Yeah.

Oh, why? I don't know. Why'd you tell me all of this? Like, this is awful. I'm married to you. I'm married to you. You might have looked at me last night. You might be on the clicker.

You never know on that night. You are. How old were you? 16, 17. Bad, innit? How many clicks did you get? Single digits. I have you still got it?

I love stuff like that. Not like people looking at you, but I loved like if I went to our workplaces, if somebody said you've got to click how many people are coming out I'd be like, absolutely. Click them out as well. Click them out as well? How's that possible? I don't know.

Do you have one for in, one for out? Possibly. What if you have to go to the toilet and you get mixed up? Listen, no, that's too complicated. Well surely this should be the same, surely one for in, one for out should be the same at the end of the day unless someone moves into the shop. I don't know Chris, I don't know. The maths that is involved in that is far too complicated. Well no, because you're clicking for people coming in, you're clicking for people coming

out. At the end of the day it should be exactly the same numbers on there, unless someone is hidden in the walls of the shop or went out, climbed out the window. Oh yeah, it should be the same, yeah. Adam & Kirsty Yeah. Yeah. I'm hungry. Adam & Kirsty Sorry, is that what...

I'm really hungry. No, I feel like... Adam & Kirsty Is that real? No, because I'm like, I'm not concentrating enough and I'm like, is it because of the cameras or is it...I think I'm hungry. Sorry. Adam & Kirsty Okay. I have to... Adam & Kirsty Okay. I think we've got Woodrosy eat next. So that's gonna be perfect. You

need to be hungry for that. Perfect. Perfect. The She Sores podcast is an absolute must for conversations about sexual and reproductive health and rights. We are a group of passionate young women from across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices, and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to Season 3 of the She Soars Podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world, and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new

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That's BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com. It's time for... Oh, pathetic. If you're gonna do it, just do it. Okay, hold on. For God's sake. It's time for... Oh, Jesus Christ.

Pick a side, right? Because your slag is off when it was shite. Oh, Jesus Christ. Pick a side, right? Because you slugged us off when it was shite. You slugged us off when it was shite and now you're repulsed. So I tasted omelette. That sounded like a dinosaur roar. Like literally like... Obviously I can be a little come out.

But I have to do them so quickly. Why? Because from the to the, there's milliseconds to be able to do it. A lot of people have complained about you doing it, but I find it really impressive. I think burping on, can you do another one? Just like, go on. Wow. Just on command. I can't do it at all. How do you do it? Like how do you do it? Shut in, but it goes, it goes, it doesn't go into your lungs,

it goes somewhere else. I don't know where. I found out what I was doing, I was like, you're gonna make yourself sick. You're gonna make yourself sick. I will not make me self sick. Do you want us to try and do, for episode 300, do you want us to try and do the biggest one

I've ever done in my life? Oh, did you hear that a little bit? This is horrible by the way. Right, come on then. Apologies to everyone. You ready for this one? Right, okay, I'm gonna sit back. I'm gonna sit back. Come on then. I think that it's impressive.

Oh, go on, go on. Eeeewww. There you are. I don't know where it goes. It goes into me. I think the air goes into my stomach and then back out. You can do better than that. Do one more, one more, right.

Eeeewww. Did you hear that? This is, this is, this is gone. Did you hear that? This is gone. This is gone downhill. I don't care. Episode 300 are still smutty and disgusting. They've just resorted to burping and animal noises now.

They really have. The bottom of the barrel was scraped bare a long time ago and they've actually gone through it into the floor of the warehouse. Listen, listen, I'm sorry. You have a talent there. You should not be ashamed of that talent. Like, I swear to God.

Worst party trick ever. Do you have a party trick? I don't do it when the buffet is open. That's funny. I think I'm just jealous because I can't, I cannot burp at all. Like, if I drink pop, I burp with herds and I'm like, oh no. So it's good for if you're feeling full. If you're feeling full, you've got, I never get trapped.

Very, very rarely get trapped. Yeah, I get trapped all the time. Just get rid of it. All the time. OK, so it's time for Wood Rosie. Is it Christmas? There's a few Christmas ones in here, a few really fucking good ones. This is a Christmas episode, I told you. Chris, Christmas.

I've got some Christmas ones, Jesus fucking Christ. Right. How nice is this by the way? What are you looking at? Just showing everyone my mug. I've got a new mug. Well I'm saying you, it's two years old but it gets put away. I'm dead chuffed by the way, that I'm one of their mums.

That I've got Christmas Christmas Christmas crockery. Yeah, not cutlery Biscuit is a Christmas biscuit in that's got no biscuits in no, there's a Christmas there's Christmas towels in some of the toilets Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Christmas towels. You've done that well Well done Towels of Christmas trees on honestly, I should have washed them first. They do not dry. They're not very absorbent. Very bad. Who washes towels? They're quick. They quick the water away. They quick it away. What does that mean? You never see that?

They quick it away. When you buy new gym gear. Right. If it's that kind of stuff that quicks the sweat away. No, I've never heard of that in my life. I'm sure I've said it on here before, it whicks the sweat away. You don't listen to me. No. It's it, it whicks the sweat away.

Right, okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie, long time listener, emailed a few times, enjoyed the tour show in Cardiff last year. Thank you very much. Apart from the talk of breading, still gives me nightmares. Can't remember what breading was. Was it a sexual thing?

It's when homosexual men, not all homosexual men, I've got a lot of homosexual friends who don't do this. Who would never do it in a fucking million years. But okay it's men, might not even have to be homosexuals, just men who have penises. Thank you for coming on. Go to public toilets and they spunk on the walls and then other people come and I've just remembered what this is. They dip bread on the spunk and eat it. And seeing it back now we know why that guy was brushing his teeth walking down the street. He's been breading. He's been breading. He's been breading. Sorted. I only bought two loaves of bread in the shop.

Right. Why do I only imagine it with like a French stick? Like not like a loaf of bread. No. Please, please a French stick. Like, you know. Nah, I'm imagining a full loaf of bread. I'm imagining a slice of bread. Oh no. Really white cheese.

You know the bread that they give you, they do your toast with in the hospital when you're having a baby. That bread. Oh don't you day tarnish that bread. That's the best slice of toast I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah but it's like the cheapest bread possible and it makes the toast amazing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Anyway.

By the way, sorry. Yeah? Because the tour was a lot more riskier than this. Yeah. You can't be mentioning another tour, can you? Of course I can. Not breadin'. Breadin'.

First time a video on it and you're bloody breadin'. Mmm. And I'm sorry to the gay community because I do not want to that's not a gay community thing I think that is a monkey horrible disgusting man thing yeah I think it's just a pervert so apologies yeah I've already hit you right here okay following on from previous episodes where listeners have recalled tales of people eating random foods in public I've just seen them this is Christmasy I've just seen a! I've just seen a man munch a whole chocolate yule log

in the Quadrant Shopping Centre in Swansea. Love it. Love it. Full thing, straight out of the box, holding it by its foil tray and taking bites from the top of the log, brackets the roof if you will, all the way across its centre. Wow. I mean I love chocolate shop bought yulelog as much as any elder millennial, but a full one to yourself in the middle of a shopping centre at peak Christmas shopping time, question mark.

I don't know how I feel about it. It's bold to say the least. Question, and I think you know where this is going. Would Rosie eat a full chocolate u-log in the middle of a shopping centre with no utensils at peak Christmas shopping time? Yes. To add to it, I thought it might be yes.

Oh God, no, don't, I'm not, don't sprinkle some fucking... Gun ready. ...fried shit on it. Gotta be added. Bullets in a gun, cocked and ready to roll. To add to the challenge, the log has been licked by a toddler with a head cold and then rolled into the corner of a shop entrance. Head cold, very specific. with a head cold and then rolled into the corner of a shop entrance.

Head cold, very specific. It's good, it's really good. You had us at the Christmas Yule log because I'm off the sugar still and I would die for a Christmas Yule log. Even if it's been licked by a toddler with a head cold. First defence. Not that, gonna be honest with you, not that it matters, but I am thinking that is a Welsh toddler as well. Not that that means anything, but this is in a Welsh shop. Shrunk with it.

Don't know, just put a bit of, put a picture to it. Try and just make it, what's the word, regional. Making it regional, it's a Welsh toddler, so if the BBC are listening, we will get a grand for doing it in Wales. I love the Welsh. Oh yeah, but yeah.

No Stacariad Bach. Oh God, yeah, so a lot of phlegm, a lot of phlegm. Okay. Um, right. Is that offensive? I don't know. Do you know what it is? You've got to, you've got to, you've got to.

You're gonna do it? She's gonna do it? Fuck it, I'm gonna do it. Oh my God. Fuck it, fuck it. Okay, and the shop, it's been, rolled in the corner of a shop entrance. What shop entrance can I have?

Oh God, I forgot what the shop entrance is. But you're definitely gonna do it. Is it? You're definitely gonna do it. You're definitely gonna do it. No matter what shop I see, you're definitely gonna do it. But hang on, hang on. Is it like a butter icing, like a chocolate fondant icing, or is it like a shell casing?

It's the stuff you want. It's the shell. It's the hard shell. It's the really thinny, ceramic chocolate. Is that what you're after? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's gonna pick up, not gonna collect as much. It's not gonna collect much stuff. Alright. It's the shell. It's the hard shell. Yeah, it's really thin. Is that what you're after? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's not gonna collect as much. It was a barbershop anyway. Okay, next one.

It was a barbershop slash nail salon. Okay, happy 300th episode you guys. Thank you! Been listening for a few years and look forward to Friday every week. I'm from Australia, specifically Melbourne. On Christmas Day it's not uncommon to find the beaches full of people swimming and basking in the sun. Love that. I want to go somewhere hot for Christmas in a couple of years. I think it's something you should do once. I want to. Yeah. Once.

When the kids are a bit older. So in that spirit, would Rosie eat her favourite Christmas meal side dish? Sprouts, roast potatoes, etc except which one's your favourite? Side dish? Yeah. Er, braised cabbage, like red, like cabbage. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spiced cabbage. That's gonna be fun. Off the body of a man's sun tanning on the beach. He's er, such detail. He's just come out of the water after being in there for about 30 minutes so his skin is a little bit wrinkly. His towel had some sand on it so his torso has a slight crunch to it and he popped on sunscreen before going in the sea so it's still quite slimy. She isn't out use her hands so has to grab the food off his torso with her mouth. Merry

Christmas to you and the boys. Yes I would. Yeah? Yeah yeah yeah. This is a good one, you are hungry today. I would. Okay good full feast. I'm starving. I actually feel a bit faint, I'm that hungry. I've had an apple. Right. Hello, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. I've always wanted to email, but never had anything exciting. So then a recent experience at work I thought might make a good Wood Rosie eat.

Earlier this year. You'll love this. Earlier this year, I joined the Bread Maker Club. Oh. And proudly, and I proudly make homemade bread regularly. Brackets I know. Oh, I don't think it's an a club. Ooh. And proudly, and I proudly make homemade bread regularly. I know, I don't think it's an actual club. I think she's just saying she does it. Oh, I genuinely thought it was a club.

Okay, but that's good. So loves the joys of fresh bread. Welcome. Welcome. Yes. Last week, I had just spread some brackets proper butter on my bread to have with soup for my lunch. Unfortunately, my bread fell butter with soup for my lunch. Unfortunately my bread fell

butter side down onto the floor. Ordinarily this would be no biggie but I was at work and I work in a prison and due to the confidential nature of this role that I have we don't allow cleaners in our office so cleaning is left to the staff however this rarely gets done and the hygiene of the office is pretty grotty. I was gutted. My soup wouldn't be the same without the fresh homemade bread with proper butter, a little treat to get me through the work day. So I thought, would Rosie eat a slice of fresh homemade bread with proper butter which had just fallen sliced down in a dirty prison floor?

I don't think I would. But, but, okay, just here is out here, right? Yeah. In prison. Yeah. I can't leave. Right. So the reason I don't like floor stuff is because, like, this is, you know, people who don't take their shoes off in the house.

Yeah. I fucking don't, I can't get, I can't abide it because you're walking around outside, you're walking through dog piss. Spunk. Dog shit. Bread. Bread, spunk. The floor, just general, absolutely manky, horrible stuff, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just outside, vile. So take your shoes off and don't walk around where your kids crawl and all that shit. Yeah. But in prison, they don't really leave. Well this is an office. Oh, so the staff. Yeah, so all of that was pointless.

Oh great. I'll leave you to guess whether I ate it or not. Do not tell them if she ate it or not. She's ate it. She's starving. She's working hard. I think she's ate it. I think you know what? Maybe I would eat it. Yeah. Get her a bit of a scrape. Scrape a bit of the butter off. Be fine. Five second rule. Okay. You are clamming today because you were saying yes to all of this shit. I know and I'm thinking about putting a loaf of bread in. Would you have some? Yeah. Yeah yes yes. Weird that that hasn't put us off bread that's actually just made us want bread more. No I'm starving. In previous

episodes, this is a new one, Rosie has talked of wanting to visit New York. Don't know why. I've been twice. Well apparently you want to go again. What do I say on here? No I want to go to the south. So this is Christmas Christmassy because Home Alone 2 set in New York. Yeah. So, there we go. Alright, well done. As you have no doubt seen on TV in New York brackets, especially in the winter, it's common to see steam coming out of the manhole covers.

Yes. I didn't know it. Well, it's from all of the hot waste that New York has produced. Like shit. Apparently so. I like to call this steaming shit mist. So. Is that actually what it is? Oh god I thought it was really nice. I thought it was just like warming the streets. Marilyn Monroe, really, I had nicked it out on that didn't you? It was the same kind of thing. Yeah. So it's poo?

Apparently so. So would Rosie eat her favourite jack-o-potato from a clean plate with a clean knife and fork on a clean table, sat on a clean chair, but sat in a cloud of New York steaming shit mist? Yes. What the fuck is going on? It's good enough for Marilyn. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. Right, this is one of my favorite ones that's ever been sent.

Dear Christmas Rosie, I have a Christmasy would Rosie eat for you? Rosie is starving. Check. Great. She, stop. Stop it. She gets invited by the Santa Claus. The real deal.

The real Santa Claus. To dine with him. To dine with him in his grotto in the North Pole. Right. It's Christmasy and magical. She gets served a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Unreal. The best Christmas dinner ever.

Of course it will be. Pigs in blankets, extra pigs in blankets, the crispiest roast potatoes. Oh Jesus. Amazing. Right. Magic. But Santa has invited one other person to dine with them. It's the little girl from A&E that you went to on holiday that was projectile vomiting into a bag You could have literally you could have given us a thousand answers.

I nearly died when I read this. I'm gassed. Fucking amazing. Every time you eat one bite, any bite you have... Why is she ruining the best opportunity of me and Giles? I don't know why Santa's up for this. That's my main question. I don't know why Santa's fine with it. Every time you eat a bite

She violently vomits onto a plate. Oh god! And where is she? It's on the table with you. It's a small table. There may be some splatter reaching Rosie's plate. Oh no! Would Rosie eat at Christmas dinner? Every every bite Every bite. Every bite. She just goes BWAH! And there's just more just hitting that plate. And Santa's not arsed, he's just talking, and he doesn't give a shit.

He's a nice guy. Look, brilliant bro. Absolutely top draw. Sound is a pound. I don't know. But that would be the tastiest dinner ever. Like the king of Christmas dinner. Honestly, I'm going. I'm going. I won't look at it. I won't look at it. I'm going. I'm going. I'm not missing out on that. Oh wow. I'm not missing out on that.

Oh my god. I look after her because I'm not a day. Where's her mom? Look, all I know is the rules. The rules are here. It's just the rules. I don't know. This is just what's happened. Oh god. I'm going. I can deal with a mate. I can't believe she's still ill. This lass. What's going on? What's going on? Oh, God love that. Brilliant email. Well done. God, talk about prior, knowing your prior reading and that. I mean, you've ruined me Christmas day. That's all I'm going to think about on Christmas Day. Because I'm going to just literally look across at my mom and think and see that toddler I'm my mouth. Jesus Christ.

It's time for Watcha Bee! Hello Chris! Hello Barry! Felice Navidad! Hello Felice! Felice Barry Dad! Barry Dad! Just a minute, hang on a minute! Just brush me teeth! How are you doing? I'm alright mate, I'm alright. It's been a while. Long time no see. I know, how are you? Just honestly busy. So busy. What you been up to? Putting shelves up. Just shelves? Me and you a job. I? Putting shelves up. You just put shelves up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where? Check out me website. Right. Shelvesup.com slash. Slash? Barry. So you share that website with other people who put shelves up.

Sorry? So you share that website with other people who put shelves up because if we've got to go slash Barry that surely implies that there's other people who use so if I could slash someone Oh godly internet, George made up the internet didn't he? Hey, hey, who's he think he is? I don't know, he is fucking... ...asshole Just me website mate, we've got a Facebook page as well

What's that? Shelfs by Barry do you want do you want to quickly go back and change your actual website to shells by Barry don't no one use website anymore it's all on socials anyway how are you Irish house family all good Rosie all right Rosie's great yeah yeah sorry just been Sorry. She lost a bit of weight, hasn't she? She shed a few pounds. I heard a stone. A stone? Where did you hear that? Just on Facebook.

Send her my love. Oh, yeah. Send her my love. Tell her, you know, like, I never thought she was overweight. Right. I thought honestly, beautiful. If anything, I like it a little bit bigger. Right. OK. Cushion for the push pushion. Yeah, yeah, very nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, it was nice to see you. What are you doing for Christmas, Farrie? So I'm just going around me ma's.

Right. Yeah, we've just, there was this girl that you know. Right. So apparently last year she was at the North Pole with Santa. She caught a bad bug. And she's coming to your house? She's coming to our house. We've adopted her. So she's coming around. That's lovely.

It's hard though because she vomits everywhere. Right. What I've done, I've just put a hole in the table. She's come around, but it's hard though because she vomits everywhere. Right, okay. What I've done, I've just put a hole in the table where she sits and there's a bucket underneath. So because of weed, can have a dinner. Right, okay.

But then I've got shelves putting up for the next day, so I'm just so busy. You're putting shelves up on Boxing Day? Boxing Day is one of my busiest days. Really? Yeah. How? You touch! One of my busiest days. Really? Yeah. How? New toys! So people who've got new toys for Christmas, put them up on shelves on Boxing Day?

You wouldn't believe it! Really? Of course I get! Christmas Day! The dads! Give me a pen! There's no room on the floor and I need some shelves! And I'm there!

I'm there. I'm ready, the busiest day, Chris. Busiest day. Okay. How many shelves can you put up in a day? Three. How big are the shelves? Six by nine. What? Six by nine what?

What is this? Spanish Inquisition! I've just come back to say hello, wish you a Merry Christmas and I was right, but I've gotta go, I'm dead busy. Wait, one more question about the shelves. Are they floating shelves or are they the shelves with the brackets on the bottom or do you do the ones where the brackets are on the top hanging down? All kinds of shelves Chris.

Right, okay, but only six by nine. Just the IKEA ones. Far OK. Nothing else. Tell Rosie I was asking after her. Will do. All right. Will do.

You take care, sunshine. All right, will do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, see you later. All right, you look a bit tired. You well?

Yeah, I don't feel very well. Right, all right. All right, bye. Bye. Thank you for that. Do do. Yep. Pfft. Eee. Eee, that was good, wasn't it?

My goodness, back from... Hi. Where's he been? Put shelves up by the sandals. Absolute madness, eh? Hey, very, hey, very well done. Very well done. Missed him.

There he is. Missed that guy. BBC killed him, but he came back for episode 300. Right, my beef with you. Oh my gosh. It's a Christmas beef. But, what? What? What?

I'll watch yourself, cause I've done everything so far. You have done everything, you've been amazing. However, this, I didn't know this was my beef until, so it's not a problem anymore, cause it's been sorted, but this is a beef from all the years we've been together, but it's now solved, you'll understand when I say it. My Beef With You is, we went the other day to the supermarket to get our Christmas stuff in.

And you were like, we can go now and we can get all the nice stuff, we can get all the sort of Christmas biscuits, all the nice crisps, all the nibbles, nuts, all the nice things for Christmas, yeah? We've always had to do that at the last fucking minute, every single year, like the 23rd. And I always thought it was because of the dates

on the stuff, yeah? But you revealed to me the other day that the reason we've always done that is because you can't have any nice Christmas things in the house before Christmas, because you eat them all, because you've got zero fucking willpower. Yeah.

But now you've got willpower and we can have them in the house. Yeah. But they're still hidden, because I can't find them. Oh, they're in the bottom drawer. Right. In the, in the.

So for years, and no wonder I'm fucking ill every Christmas, because basically I'm like, I'm always like full and like, I feel like sluggish, because all the Christmas food only comes in like the day before and I've just got to fucking go crazy and all this stuff. I could have been

spacing it out for years but it couldn't be in the house because bloody eyes bigger than her belly over here. Well, and as well though can I just say, right, I'm a bit fuming. A bit fuming. No, I shouldn't get too fuming. They've shut our local Marxists. Mm-hmm. They've shut the Marxists in Sunderland. That was the closest one to us where we live now in South Shield. Yeah. They've shut the Marxists. They've shut the Marxists in Sunderland. That was the closest one to us where we live now in South Shields. They've shut the Marxists. They got rid of the South Shields one years ago. Devastation. Right? And I used to get all my stuff delivered there to pick it up on the 23rd and I can't do that now and I don't want to go to a further one away because I just kind of be bothered and I've left it too late. Anyway, so I was like,

I'll go and get me non-perishables earlier, because I don't want to be standing around and then I'm just gonna go. Which I couldn't normally do. Yeah. Because you would eat them all. Yeah, because I would eat them all. Like, if literally, if there's nuts and if there's pretzels and popcorn

and all the lovely stuff for Christmas, if that's in two weeks before Christmas, it passed rosy, you know, with zero willpower, it would have been gone. So, yeah. Can we have a Marksies back? Adam's Dad- Someone listening? Can someone just... Kirsty- Can we have a Marksies back?

Adam's Dad- Someone storming a Marksies in our post school. Kirsty- Can we just have an Express? Just a little one, please. Adam's Dad- Marksies Nano. Kirsty- Just a tiny one. Why have we not got a Nano? Why have we not got a Marksies? Adam's Dad- Marksies Atom. Marksies Atom, that would work. Yeah? Kirsty- Just a little one. Adam's Dad- Marksies Electron. Kirsty- Adam. That would work. Yeah? Just a little one.

Marksies Electron. Please. Yeah. Anyway, what's your beef? My beef with you. I've got a very like specific one, which I think it's a bit boring. Okay. But, you know what, John's just dead quickly. So, you mean you've got two? Yeah. Go on then. I'll let you have two because it's Christmas.

You're really unprofessional at work. Right. Just gets on my nerves. Okay. When was this? Well we did the Laugh For Kids gig. Yeah yeah. And like you just didn't know what you were doing. No.

You hadn't like just took five minutes to look over the running order. Busy. You hadn't steamed your shirt. You had like a costume change and you just, you had to like run and do it. And I was like why haven't you just sorted this out for yourself? So basically Jason Cook came off stage doing something and I went I'm not in until the second half am I? And he went no you're in the next bit and I went oh fuck okay good job I'm here and he went but you're not in the thing you should be wearing and I went oh bollocks so I had to quickly go upstairs steam a shave.

You've got so used to everyone just doing everything for you and telling you where to be all the time that you're just... And honestly, that's everyone's fault but mine, in my opinion. Very unprofessional. I did have a different one here, but actually just looking at you, that scratch on your nose is really upsetting us. Right. Because I seen it the other day and I was like, you scratched a spot or something. I was like, it's a spot. And then I looked at it closer and I knew, I knew that's someone's

nail. Someone's nail's done that. Well, it is a jujitsu injury, yes. It could be a nail. What else could it be? It could be a fingernail. It could be a toenail. It could be a tooth. It could just be that there was maybe a little spot there and you know, something's come off the friction. It's not a spot. It's like, it's a line. That's not a spot. There's no like hole. It's a line. Well, someone needs to cut their fucking nails then.

God, it's gross line. Well, someone needs to cut their fucking nails then. God, it's gross innit? Yeah. It's manky innit? I'm like literally looking at you and I'm like, what's done that? For me being as clean, a clean freak as I am, the fact that I allow this to happen.

How many people's clump has anything? Like you're literally like, is it at all? So someone's toes touched your nose. Depends, depends how good they were. If they were bad then probably. At high level no one's gonna fucking accidentally kick us in the face. So I must have been passing someone's guard, i.e. getting past their legs and they must have left their leg up in the air. So trim, hey trim your toenails this Christmas. So weird. Trim your toenails this

Christmas. Getting turkey with all the trimmings. Trim your toenails while you're at it. Yeah. I need a man actually. Oh, speaking of toes. Oh, Robin. Brilliant. Yeah. Oh, he's flipping broke his toe. Well, has he broken? I don't know. He's badly bruised his little toe with a soft plate.

It's not great, is it? The week before Christmas. Yeah. He is the kid who does this. I know. That's what he is. I know. It's really bruised, but he was buzzing to tell his mates. Do you know what though? He's so hard. He's hard as nails. He's hard he is. I know. It's really bruised, but he was buzzing to tell his mates. Do you know what though?

He's so hard. He's hard as nails. He's hard as nails. I broke my toe a few years ago, 2018 actually, it was ages ago, god, it was ages ago. Ah! It killed, absolutely killed. I could hardly walk on it,

and he's just like walking around, it's so bruised. I'll never forget the noise your toe made. I know. You were standing at the kitchen island and you turned around to walk. God, don't. And your foot was too close. So it was the island where the, the noise you're told made. You were standing at the kitchen island and you turned around to walk and your foot was too close. So it was the island where the, if you can picture this in your mind's eye, the kickboard is recessed from where the cupboards are. So there's like the cupboards

overhang and then they put them, there's little table legs. Yeah, but there's bits in between. So yeah, you, it sounded like it sounded exactly like someone had just dropped an egg on the floor. It was horrible. It's like a crack. His isn't had just dropped an egg on the floor. It actually made me feel, it made me feel really funny. His isn't broken, it's just really badly bruised and he was buzzing to show his mates. But yeah, I mean, his toenail came off recently when he was running around at a party. His toenail came off and he was at Jijitsu the next day. Full toenail came off, he was at Jijitsu the next day. It's actually mad. I worry though because I think he's just going to be one of them people,

like one of them older lads who just climbs up trees and you'll be pissed on a night out and you'll be on top of the bus stop doing backflips off it. Yeah, we've got all that to come. That's going to be exciting. It's going to be exciting! Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! It's time for Questions from the Public! Questions from the Public! Public! Bababab, it's time for Christmas cards from the public. Public.

As always, if you want to get in touch, you're tagged married annoyed at gmail.com. Hi, Chris and Rosie. First time emailer, long time listener. Hope you're both OK. Ooh, we are. Just listening to episode 299, last week's episode, when you were talking about the possibility of elves being hired in the future. Yes, I have told many people this and I think it's real.

We've just started doing Elf on the Shelf for our three-year-old this year, but have tried to keep it basic as I know people go too far. Oh God, I... Yes. Which reminded me, one of the reasons we've been putting it off. Last December I was chatting with a friend and she told me that she had sorted a really good elf set up for the weekend. She hired a pair of naughty elves to come into their garden and start messing around playing with toys and generally making a mess of the garden. It's already happened. It's already happened. I was absolutely gobsmacked. Back on work on Monday, I asked how it had gone. Her two-year-old... Go on, fuck off.

...was absolutely petrified... Good. ...in brackets, understandably, if someone broke into your garden dressed as an elf to play with your toys. And I don't think they've gone down the elf hire route again this year. So you can... I knew it. I called it. I called it. You can hire elves, but I'm telling you, soon they'll be living in your house. You will have a full elf for December. I'm got it, I knew it. I called it. I called it. You can hire elves but I'm telling you soon they'll be living in your house. You will have a full elf for December. I'm telling you.

Disgusting. And it'll just be in your fucking house. Anyway, just thought I'd share with you that some people are already making money from being an elf in December so I can totally see it becoming a bigger thing in the future. And I hate to say it, but if life had gone a little bit differently for me, I think I'd have been probably. Who you? Being the elf. Oh yeah. Being hired as an elf. I did play'd have been probably being the elf. Being hired

out as an elf. I did play an elf in a play. Do you remember? I was a naughty elf. We were together. Yeah. I don't remember this. I was a naughty elf. In my play. Oh yes, the one in the library. Downstairs at the library. In Shields at the library. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll never forget. Can I tell you a little story about it? Honestly, one of the best naps I've ever had. I don't know when to say that. Great.

I was a naughty elf and a lad I know, David. I don't know if I'll name him. I don't know. He was playing Santa. Yeah. Maybe made his own elves. And I'll never forget, like he was dressed as full Santa. Right. And it was kind of like the interval or just a bit when he wasn't on, we're all upstairs. Oh, sorry, I'm a boring you. No, no.

Oh, we didn't have to mention that. You didn't have to mention that. Sorry, you cut that. And so it was kind of like an interval or like just a bit when we were all upstairs. Right. And there was a group of elderly people in and they were in our space.

And he was kind of like, sorry, this is where we are, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this woman like was really kicking off at him. And just watching a man dressed as Santa, having a fight with an elderly woman was something I will never, ever forget. It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

Wow. He didn't back down like he was. In your dressing room area. So it was, we didn't really have a dressing room. It was sort of just like the communal like back of the lab. Maybe right. Actually, we were probably in the wrong because it was all great. There it is.

So this isn't this isn't Santa telling someone off as Santa being an asshole. Maybe. Oh, no, he's not an asshole. He's a nice guy. But yeah, buddy. Wow. Just fun. Babadoo babadoo babadoo.

Ba dear Chris and Rosie, allow me to regale you with Christmas cheer that will take you on an emotional rollercoaster during this festive period. Bold statements, let's go. My friend's older brother is in his early forties and has been in a long term relationship with his partner for almost two decades. Lately, she has seen his younger brother and all his friends get married which has led to her dropping subtle hints about tying the knot themselves. After 20 years? What's the fucking point? I know I don't, I have no idea. A couple of Christmases back she hinted the fact that if one of them died, oh well here you go, if one of them died it would be

difficult to secure things like pensions, bank accounts as their relationship wasn't official. How romantic. You know what I mean? No it's true true though. Yeah. Yeah. But I think there is a sort of, I think there is a law that if you've been together for a while, you do, you are kind of... There is for leaving, for if you just break up. If you've been together for a certain amount of time, even if you're not married, if you break up, I think you can still get, you can take off the shit. Can you? I think so. Okay. My friend's brother gave her a knowing look and told her he knew what she was getting

at. Needless to say, she was excited to see a small gift box under the tree and a pile of envelopes addressed to each family member. Now we all thought that he had got the hint and bought her an engagement ring and the envelopes were save the date or engagement party cards. A very classy move or so we thought. As Christmas morning came around all the family gathered by the tree as my friend's brother handed his girlfriend her gift. In that box was not an engagement ring. Do you want to guess what it is? I don't know. AirPods? No. What I'm thinking of is Mr. Bean where she thinks is getting an engagement ring and it's a ring box but in it is a little hook to hang up the picture he's given her.

Oh, I remember that. Oh, I remember that. How about that episode? So good. Oh my gosh. So good. Oh, it's quite sweet though as well, but yeah, she was devastated wasn't she? It was great.

No, it was a Will Wrighton kit. For the, to sort the... He gave her a big hug and said now I can get not right okay so this is a will writing kit and then he's give her a hug and said now I can get your benefits if you die nothing to worry about so I mean like not DFS what's's it called? DSS? DSS? I don't know. Does that mean like benefits benefits? Oh my god. A Will Wrighton kit. That is the most morose present.

I know. That's like a fucking, oh I've got this and I've got your plot, a plot in the local cemetery as well. Yeah. Oh here's the vase I'm gonna put your ashes in. I would leave. I would fully leave. And the rest of them were Amazon gift cards. Oh, I love them. To Chris and Rosie, long time listener, first time emailer. Hey.

My name is Sophia and my partner's name is Jeff. Easy to remember, right? Right. Well, not according to the two infamous Christmas cards my partner has received. Okay. Right. And I've actually sent photographic proof of this. Right. Okay. Imagine my amusement to open a Christmas card today addressed to Sophia and Man. No effort, no effort there. And it says, by the way, the woman who gave me this card has met Geoff, which makes it even better. Man!

Think that's bad. Geoff's mum received an even better one a few years ago to Christelle, Kenneth, Neil and other such. It says, yep, clearly forgotten Geoff's name of all the options to address him they decided other son was the best option. Oh my gosh this is actually now, this is a video so look hang on. Right, it's a video. Well look it's getting filmed so, there look, to Sophia, can you see? To Sophia and Man.

And Man. look oh okay to Sophia and man and man and then we've got this one hang on to crystal Kenneth Keith and oh that's so you can sort of see that other son on the top there you see well that's on in the top yeah like you would just make a phone call a phone call or a text can sort that out immediately I just don't want to send this. I'm just thinking what's the other son called? I feel really embarrassed Oh family family. If you know it Crystal whatever and family. Yeah, and boys. Not whatever. Yeah, yeah And boys and boys. Wow Bless him. Well, thank you so much to Sophia and her fella. Oh man. Yeah for that message Thank you so much to Sophia and her fella. Oh man.

Yeah, for that message. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do do. Thank you so much, so so much for listening to this week's episode, which is the 300th episode. Yes.

Can't, genuinely can't believe it. Of Shagged, Married and Oied, which is part of the A-Class Creator cast creator network yes thank you so so much for listening if you have just started welcome if you've been listening for years we couldn't do it without you thank you so so much have an hour holding hands have a little bit stretching a little bit I'll do this and have an absolutely wonderful Christmas Rosie I love you I love you good stuff I'm enjoying this still doing this should keep doing it for a bit yeah yeah we'll keep I'm enjoying this. I can't believe we're still doing this.

Should we keep doing it for a bit? Yeah. Yeah, we'll keep doing it for a bit. Can't believe we're still married. Can't believe we're still doing this. Can't believe. Genuinely feel like we're doing tug of war now across the table. This is not romantic at all.

It's actually really good. Love you a lot. Love you a bit. This is nice. Love you all for listening. Thank you very much. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Alright.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Bye. Bye. Merry Christmas. Bye! Bye! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to season three of the She Soars podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice.

Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Kricksha, I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. Roger Stadium September 3rd and 5th. Get tickets now at LiveNation.com

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