Sh**ged Married Annoyed - The Fringe, a curse, and is there a Lavender Marriage on the cards?

Episode Date: August 28, 2026

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed Rosie reports back from The Fringe and she shares some thoughts about her identity and her 40th Birthday! Chris gives a guide to packing shopping and the pair share the concerns over Escooters! They also discuss curses, dentists, a mugging and working class parents. All of this plus beefs, questions from the public and a voicemail with a mistaken allergy! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married annoyed. I've been in the fringe. She's been to the fringe and she doesn't stop talking about it. She wasn't performing. She was just watching. So cultured. There it is. We slag off e-scooters. I hear them. Kids in supermarkets.

Oh, a bit of a chat about that. We discover an incredible thing you can buy on Etsy. Mm-hmm. We've got our beefs, questions and voice notes from you. Gorgeous lot. Enjoy. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation

Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca.ca. Volvo is leaving the chaos of rush hour outside. Start by settling into your saddle-stitched nappa leather seats. Notice the open space around you. Uncluttered, elegant, intentional, warm ambient light, and natural wood details to ground you.

This is Volvo's Scandinavian sanctuary for every journey. Learn more at volvocars.caps.cai, optional features mentioned. Hello, you are listening. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. What the fuck? You can't, right, we normally come down with them three and you count it down from five. I just want to give you a longer running.

You completely threw us off and I forgot what I'm saying. Really? But welcome the podcast. We're so happy to have you back as old. Imagine the podcast starts with me being immediately told off for giving you more of a running to do the thing that you forgot how to do anyway. You never go five, four, you always just goes three.

So I've been doing me and Rief play on the trampoline. Honestly, one of my, I don't mean sound like Dad of the Year here, but one of my favourite things at the minute is playing on the trampoline with Rief just before bath and shower time. Yeah. And we'll do a thing called Raffy launch where I hold his hands. And we're both bounce at the same time, five, four, three, two, one. and then I, like, strut on me bounce

and keep all of his hands and basically launches him right up in the air. It's that thing that I did that time when I put me back out and I had to lie on this over all day. Brilliant. I can do it at the end of a day. So I can do it at the end of a day? I can't do it in the morning?

He sometimes goes, can we go to go to go, no, because I was literally an alien hospital last time I did that. Do you know what? That's, you've sparked a memory for me that I meant to tell you, right? Do you know how people work?

You know I watched these videos. Oh, fuck my life. I watch these videos. It's all you do. It's all I do. but they're like oh getting up at half five and you know what do you know what the oh okay this is something different but they get up at half five and the kids are like in bed and they go down and do a workout in the gym or whatever right at half five in the morning

and then they go back up at half seven and they're like get the kids up i'm like yeah anyway but that's just maybe jealous of people's kids who sleep in and people with motivation to get up at half five well my thing is right yeah i would love to do that because i'm sometimes i'm up but i went to get rath a drink of milk the other day right yeah It was a new milk carton. I couldn't pull the thing off, the top. Yeah, yeah. And I was like...

Because it was so early. You ever tried to make a fist as soon as you wake up? It's impossible. Zero strength. Chris, I had to use my teeth. I had to like pull it off with my teeth. And I thought, how can... I couldn't do weights now.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. So I find... What? Squats. So I used to do, um, in me amateur boxing days. Oh God. I used to go for runs.

in an evening. Robin might like Rocky. Okay. Just thinking of films we can watch together. Great. He won't. I used to go for,

if you go for a run on a night, I feel like you've got my injury, but I think it's because maybe you've like, you've ate during the day and you've got like some in the tank. You go for run first thing on. Fair plate, everyone who goes running first thing in the morning. It's like running with a weighted vest on.

Horrible. Yeah. I just don't think you meant to. I think you just meant to like kind of get up and get with the day and just, you know, exercise for me later on. I think you're just talking about personal preference because I think evolutionary,

speaking, we would have to get up and immediately go hunting. Yeah, but we don't have to do that now. Yeah, but we used to. Oh, you used to. I wouldn't have went out hunting. I'm looking after the kids. I'm opening them milk cartons. You're out of hunting.

You only play that feminist card when you fancy it, didn't you? I don't know anymore. I've been in the fringe, I should know what feminism looks like. Yeah, you just got back from the fringe. You should be full of it. Yeah, I know what it is. I feel like, ooh, alive. It's great.

had such a lovely time. So many cool, fucking cool people, just cool and just like, out the fringe. Yeah? Oh, but I was sat around a table at one point,

me and a lot of females. Some who I knew, some who I didn't. I'm not going to name everyone, but I knew some and I knew didn't. She didn't know any of them. She didn't know any of their names.

No, no, but then one person said, I didn't remember the names of the people who knew. Carry on. They were talking about, like, sexuality and, like, bisexuality and all that kind of stuff.

And I was like, when I was younger, it wasn't, like, hugely a thing. Like, you know, I don't know whether people, it was, it's great the way the world is now, that people can just be like, be what they want to be,

yeah, be what they want to be. I love that. And I love that our children are free to do what they want to do. Like, you know what I mean? Once upon a time when we were younger, it wasn't as open.

Yeah. All right, 20 years ago, life wasn't as open. Yeah. 25 years ago. Anyway, I sat around the table and then somebody said,

she went, yeah, yeah, like, we could all probably be, like, perceived as being, like, gay or bisexual. Not you, Rosie. Oh, great. I was so sad.

I was like, could I not look gay? I don't think so. Maybe that'll attract you all. No, I didn't. I did that have top on. But they were like, no, not you. Sporty spice? No, honestly, and all of them agree, they were like, yeah.

And I was like, what? Could I not be bisexual? You're taking offence to that? It was just like, it was just literally about six women. We're like, no, we all look like we could be gay or bisexual. You do not. and I was like, what the fuck? Yeah.

I don't know what to make of that. I didn't know what to make of it. I was like... Were you offended? Did you take it as a slight? What kind of was like? I want to look a bit gay? I think it's because you're not young and cool.

I think they all probably look... They weren't all young and cool. No? Cooler than me? Yeah, but they'd been at the fringe far. You just looked like a fringe tourist, didn't you? Did I? I just look straight as fuck.

Yeah. Just like... Just like, you're a mom, you're a married mom who likes flowers. We read that you normally read when you're talking to people as well. If you're holding that, that, that gives it away. hanging out the back of a man. That's where I was. Hanging off a man.

There it is. That's it. Yeah, you can't get him. That'll be it, yeah. What did I say? You're hanging out of the back of a man. Were you, were you,

were you stuck off the way that you normally do? Was it that? Yes. There it is. It's got the weird. It's got it look here. Listen,

thank you so much for being here. It was upsetting. Sorry, no, I was just like, could I not even be just a little, like, a little bit gay.

Yeah, you just don't. Just don't look in. Yeah. You look, and don't take this the wrong way. Mumsie. That's what they meant. That's what they meant.

That's what they meant. It was nothing. That's what, it was nothing to do with sexuality. Yeah, that was it. That's fine. I don't mind.

I'm not. So like, they were bang on. Were you humming the Muppets baby theme tune that you normally home? I was crying about missing the kids. Ah, there it is. Okay, guys,

thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. If you're watching, if you're watching it, what about gay women who got kids? What about gay mumsy women? There is gay mummy women. There is gay, mumsy women.

He's still on this. I wouldn't be asked if someone said, Chris, you don't look gay. I wouldn't care at all. No, okay, well, in that moment, I just wanted to be with a cool case. Right. Well, you're not. You're not. You're a mumsy, straight woman.

Straight bitch. Straight bitch, and that's it. Fair enough, fair. That's fine. Can I finish me fucking bit? Okay. Well, they're all going to laugh when I leave you for a woman. And they're going to go, oh, God, I didn't think she had it in it?

And I'll say, yeah, who's gay now? And then they're going to go, we know she's just pretending because we said she didn't look gay. and then they're going to wait for it, or fall apart, and you would have come crawling back to me, by which case, in a cruel twist of fate, I'll have turned gay. Can you just have a lavender marriage? I would love that.

What's a lavender marriage? A lavender marriage is when, oh God, I don't want to get it wrong. But it's usually when, like, a straight or bisexual woman marries a gay man and they have a child together, or children together, and they're married. But, like, they just don't have sex, but they're just like mates.

And it's like the most beautiful thing ever. Every day we stray further from God. Okay, listen. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. If you're watching on YouTube, thank you. What I was going to say is I've got a little logo on my T-shirt.

This is a lovely T-shirt you bought me. Just all the lavender's. Yeah, but I had to run to the barbers to pay them today because I got Rave's hair cut and I had to go and give them some cash today because I felt guilty. I want to give them as soon as the opened. And it's been chafing me nipple.

If I wear this out again, I'm going to have to put a little plaster on my nipple. It's very sharp on the inside of here. Very sensitive. I'm sorry. I'm looking at. Listen, this is...

What you googled. Because even me laptop is like you're the straightest bitch in the world. What lavender wedding I put into Google and it put a lavender wedding typically refers to a wedding theme style with lavender colours and fresh floral accents. Because you were supposed to put lavender marriage, you fucking psycho. Oh, right, right.

Oh my God, a marriage and a wedding are two different things. Fucking hell is like a mop and a brush. Come on. Come on. Oh, okay. Alvin a marriage is a marriage of convenience between a man and a woman where one or both partners

belong to the LGBTQ plus community. Historically, used to be to hide their sexuality, sexual orientation from the public, but now it's just because we've realized that, you know, straight marriage is toxic. Really? Is that what it says?

On Google. That's just what I said. Great. I wouldn't disagree. Like, you're sitting here clearing that you're gutted that no one thought you were gay and you're straight. No, it was just for fun.

But at the time, I was like, am I upset? No, it was, yeah. Imagine you're like flip the table and stormed off. Like, really angry. Like, how dare you? Yeah. Stormed off. And then I'd be like, oh, that's pretty good what you just did there.

That's cool. Yeah? Big, big sissy kick off. Yeah. Now, listen, thank you for being here. This is the fourth or fifth time I've said. This is ridiculous. Thank you for listening.

Please subscribe and on YouTube and all of that stuff. Now, it is time. I've got to be run out with time here with you going on about this. Run out what time in the in us. You, no. What? This is our podcast. You have not run out of time.

We can do whatever the fuck we want. Okay, there it is. All right? And I'm sorry for putting in all the time. I'm ill. I'm ill. I can't ever stop. People hate it, but I can't stop.

Listen, straightness is not an illness. Don't worry about it. Don't let anyone tell you that. This week's lucrative. A lucrative sponsor. Quick one this week. This one spot this week sponsor is adults with novelty ringtones. Fucking grow up.

Sick. Yeah. Sick. But I have another fucking. man. Grow up. Oh, oh, the wife's winging. The wife's ringing. The wife's ringing.

It's Dapheda's tune. Great. Fucking hilarious. That's hilarious, mate. I know. Dun, done, done. Oh, it's the white. Oh, yeah.

Brilliant. Tossa. Grop. I can't bear it. It should ring, it should vibrate or nothing. Yeah. Leave it. I agree.

Songs as well. I didn't know you could still do that. I don't know you could still put a song. Fuck. God. Really? What year is it? Stop it.

That's it. I heard that yesterday. I was just annoyed. Okay. That's it. That's all right. You're okay? It's definitely straight.

It's a straightest thing. It's a proper straight thing. It's a lot. Disgusting. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle jingle. So this is the jingle.

Jingle do. We hope you like the Jinggo. Jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingo! 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marginoid. Listen to this, right?

Lavender marriage. So, just some of the stuff, it said about social survival, because public facade, back in the day, actors used to get married in the lavender marriage just to hide being gay from the public. Again, like, breaks me on. I know. It was happening, not long ago.

Yeah. Really. I still think it's happening in football. No top flight footballer, to my knowledge. Oh, loads of them are gay. None of them have come out of as gay. Because of how much fucking grief they'd get. And it's probably, properly fucking sad.

That's so sad. Probably sad. There'll be so many of them about gay. Just for how brutal football fans can be, I saw a video of their day, it must have been a lower league. A lower league team. And the goalkeeper's standing.

there and there's just like a bar behind the goals and all the fans are just standing there watching and he goes to get a drink of his water bottle which is next to the thing and they'd fucking tip out all his water and he went to have a drink of his water bottle and then they all started laughing because there was nothing in it and you just put it down the floor and all the fans are going

where's your water god you're fucking assholes he's playing football is that the opposing team is that yeah yeah he's the way of keep and he's at the other end and obviously he's been doing something they've just poured he's what I thought you it's such like one of the, and he like, goes to take a drink

and he just puts it on the deck and they're like, oh God. I mean, did you laugh? I mean, I'm still laughing now. It was fucking hilarious, but it's really harsh, but the brutal man. Fucking hell. Oh, right. Well, listen, I just want to tell you this. Come on then. The last bullet point of the lavender marriage. Great.

This, this is like a knife to the heart, right? Mutual support. Listen to this. Many historical arrangements provided genuine safety, domestic stability, and companionship rather than completely, be cold or loveless. Yeah. It's our future.

God, are you being straight? It's our future. Gross. Definitely. Cold and loveless. We're not cold and loveless. We've been together for years. I think we're still having a lovely time.

We're alive and kicking us. There it is. There it is. What you've got to say for yourself? So, a few things, few things I have to tell you. Because I haven't seen you because you've been away of gallivanting.

Just look at me notice here. I've got a few things to say. First of all, I had a moment. where, like, you know, I'm always joking, trying to make people laugh. And nothing hurts more than when someone just doesn't get it. And I just feel wasted. Wasted a lot in this house and around about the place. Me, me and my mate Jordan was sitting in Marine Park in South Shields the idea.

Yeah, love it. A bloke came in who worked for the council. And he was like, all, can I speak this a second? First of all, I was like, oh, my God, we're going to get all off. And he handed a flyer thing. He was like, oh, look, we're just doing like a survey about the parks, how the parks are kept and stuff. Here's the thing.

If you just scan the QR code and you can go and just do the survey, I haven't on it. Lovely park, too many birds. I don't think the council can control how many birds there is? I don't think that's a thing.

Well, I've told you when we got chased by them, flocked seagles for that pancake, worst day of my life. Well, good.

Check your privilege if that's the worst day your life. Now listen. One of. So I'm sitting there and he goes, oh, we just want to check

you know, scan the QR code and you do the thing and he goes, if you've got a partner or a wife or something at home, they can do it as well

so it's like, you know, it's like that counts as two people do in the survey. Just want to see, you know, if you're happy with how the parks are run, I was like, right, yeah, yeah, definitely. You went, yeah, you know, just, like, controlling, like, you know, making sure, like, dogs aren't allowed in the park

and, like, e-scooters and stuff, banning them in the park, just making sure you're all happy with that. And I went, yeah, I mean, I'll fill it, and I went, but you don't want the wife to fill that in the way. I love coming down here on an e-scooter. And he went, oh, oh, okay, then, okay. And I went, I'm joking. Fuck

And he went Oh Oh, right Okay I was like I mean Like Jordan was fucking dying Because Joe was like

Oh he's just Not listening He's in work mode That's a problem He's in work mode I'll not get the wife to fit her Because she loves

Coming down here And at Eastcoia Oh Okay This shit Good for her No Eastco

I hate them I hate them I hate them What right Right Right Stop Stop

Buying You spoil Little Brat Kids E scooters For their birthday Christmas, it's going to be rife with ice scooters. Yeah.

I've seen a lad the other day in a pair of sliders, going down the street on the pavement, FYI, in a pair of sliders, you had a helmet on that wasn't fastened at the bottom. Oh good, look at that, saving your skull, you moron. At least you had it on, I suppose. But yeah, that'd be... It was fropening...

It's like... Chris, he was going the same speed as my car. It was insane. It's crazy. Even Robin, who wants an e-s-scooter and won't have a bad word said against him. Even he was like, mom,

have you seen him? It's crazy. But most of them don't wear helmets. Like, when did, when are we going to learn? Because back in the day, doing unsafe things,

right, before the internet, you kind of go, right, okay, fair enough. We didn't, like, we didn't know as much.

Like, car seats have now been tested and it's like, if you, if you want your children to be saving your car, is what you put them in, right?

It's the law. As soon as not a car seat anymore, stick with an A-Suit let them fly down the pavement. It just blows my mind. Not old women over. Not, you know. year olds, you know,

just dying. Just, they're so unsafe. They're hitting people on zebra cossons and that and knocking people down on that. It's nuts. It's like firing, it's like, it's like firing your kid out of a fucking cannon. What do you want for Christmas? I want to be fired out of a cannon every day with no protection. Oh yeah, great. I would just skid you along the fucking pavement. Well, like, I'm sorry, but the minute

it's going to happen to your kid, you're going to be gutted and it's, and it's going to be your fault for being like, he wants an ice scooter. Oh, all the friends, all the friends have got them, then then let their mates get brain. He has a bit of parenting advice that I don't normally do. Right, Rosie, you ask me, you're the child, I'm the dad, you ask me, can I get an e-s scooter?

Guys, this is what you need to repeat. Dad, can I get an e-s scooter? Can you fuck? There you go. Simple as that. Mad. Mad. But you love taking yours down the park,

so I don't understand why you're such a hypocrite. I'm all right, though, I can take mine down the park. No, no. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Right, so I'm going to tell you this. Sandra took Robin and and Rafe to the word in South Shields which is like a little library place

and then they went across the road to Heron Frozen Foods and they went in heron frozen foods and totally separate to the story and there was someone in there who completely stank of piss and the whole place stank of piss which happens sometimes in all shops

Robin's really he's got my nose straight away he was like oh god and Sam was like shut up someone in here obviously just doesn't very good hygiene I don't know this story okay so she told me no day and I told him not to tell you

so he went quiet right so first of all he's already literally turning his nose up, right? So I just don't know if we need to be proud or a little bit careful of how we're raising we're children, right? No, he's a snobby. He wouldn't eat. He's dinner in a cafe once because it was dirty.

Listen to this. So they're in, they're in Heron and he's buzzing at all of the pizzas and all the different stuff. Yeah, yeah, he's buzzing with all the stuff, right? But then he goes, herons, whatever. Your mom's going, what do you want to eat? And he's going, I'm not sure,

and he's like, look at all the different stuff. And what do you want to take it home? And he turned, apparently. he turned to the lady in her and frozen foods and he went, excuse me. He went, do you do sushi? Now, that's not... Is this the one at South Shields Marketplace?

South Shields Marketplace, yeah. Next the Cobblers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm dead. I'm dead. So, first of all, so it's not as bad as if we just said it when we were kids,

because lots of supermarkets do sushi, so that's fine. But this is the next bit, right? So this is the kicker. Your mom turns and goes, oh, look, there's their microwave burgers. You know, the microwave burgers. you get in the pack of that Robin always asked for what we don't let him get.

She'll let him get one. So... Who is this woman? But listen to this. A Ruslers! Yeah, but listen to this, right? So he gets the burger. He goes, okay, I get this.

And the woman he's just asked about the sushi's still there. And she turns to them and she goes, just so you know, you've got a microwave of them, you can't just eat them straight away. Okay. She must have thought this little weirdo who just loves eating raw shit. I bet I'd have to. Tell him, or he's going to fucking get himself food poisoning or something.

Because he just only eats raw stuff. Bless our heart. Right. Does the man smell of piss come back into the story? No, it doesn't come in. No, but I'm saying, my point is he's already walking around with an air of this place smells of piss. Not the shop's fault, just the man in there who smelt of piss. Oh.

Do you know what it is? It's not even that he's a snobby kid. Kids are different now. are just, they just build different nowadays. Whenever we're going to let it, it does get some sushi. So yeah, it's just, to ask for it in Heron's just really funny. You got any sushi? Do not they do have?

They've got them dumplings, which are like viral at the minute, them, uh, it's who dumplings or something? Rosie, uh, on my lunch break at school, when Heron frozen food opened up, it was unbelievable. You could get literally boxes. What did you get? Oh, we could get boxes as capy suns. You get full packets of biscuits. Oh yeah.

It's unbelievable. You couldn't be getting frozen stuff. Well, no, but you, obviously not. But I would be, oh, the stuff would get from it. Oh, it's like Christmas. Oh, yeah. When I, when I, when the one who opened out in the nuke, I worked at Manchella's next door.

So on my lunch break, I was like, Gills, the fish and chip shop. And herons. Wow. Dreamcompture. And that at a microwave at the shop. So, you know. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar race, raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. Legendary has arrived in Alberta with BetMGM Casino. Sign up to unlock access to over 4,000 casino games, including exclusive slots you can't spin anywhere else. Survivors ready?

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Standard message and data rates may apply. Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo. 20. No, stop, please stop. I've got a little bit of celebrity gossip for you. What? Because I know that you do not get the same algorithm as me, so you won't know this.

Okay. But you know down south there's been a hosepipe ban. Yes. Right, because of the heat waves and all that kind of stuff. If you look more into it, I don't know, it's got something to do with the water companies, but we won't get into that on here. Anyway, certain newspapers,

have been flying drones over celebrities, houses and gardens to see if they're using holes. If they've used hoses. And they're literally posting and actually, I mean, but it's like this, like such and such house off, um, tow or whatever.

And like they've got a really green garden and the rest, everyone else is just like yellow. And so they're just kind of like naming and shaming these people with green. And you know what I'm like slow newsday, but also like, Like, what the fuck? That's crazy.

I mean, again, that would be you. That would be you. Yeah, I'd get caught. That's a kind of thing I'd get caught for. You'd have the greenest garden. Yeah. Ever.

I'd be like, it's just piss. It's just piss. I'd just do all my pisses in the garden. No, like that's, you know, it's like, again, I said it on Sunday brunch, I was on Sunday brunchy, I day, like everyone,

and the whole heat way of you guys, I mean, we always want a nice summer, but the heat way of you guys down south about to put up with it. I've got nothing but sympathy for you. Just awful. And yeah, I fall on two sides of that because it's like if there's a hose pipe ban

you know there's a fucking hosebubon people need the water for their things but at the same time drones that's another level of fucking grass that's like literally grass but being a god's fuck it's like again it's like COVID when people were grassing people up for going to the day

he's been to Thamesbury twice today you're only allowed once his hour walk was 92 minutes okay he got really close to his neighbour over the fence yeah it's a bit ridiculous I thought I'm high five postman like

I just thought what but how slow news day. Sorry, I just picked that out here, by the way. I didn't get told off a high-falf and a postman during COVID. It just seemed too specific. Yeah, that's true. But yeah.

Listen, I, speaking of rain, I, uh, we are going to our, I don't know if you know this or not. You follow on Instagram, so you might know it, but it blew my fucking mind. We are going to our friend's wedding. Yes?

At the beginning of next month. Is it going to rain? It's, it's going to rain. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, scheduled to, it was, it was gonna rain where the wedding is, where we're going at the beginning next month for the wedding. But fear not, it's been sorted. The bride has been on Etsy

and paid a witch, five pound, to make it not rain in that area. Yeah, I've heard about this. What am I packing? Shorts a T-shirt, mate. Shorts a T-shirt. I've heard about this. Un-believeable. You don't even, because you know I would do that shit.

Yeah, you get, there's a, witch and she does a spell and... There's loads of them. Absolutely loads of them. Brilliant. So she's paid a witch. She's paid for a witch to make you not rain. In the vein of that, I've just been on Etsy

looking for your birthday present because you are, when the next podcast comes out, you will be 40. Yes. A hold bitch! And I've just been looking for your present. What I'm going to do is, I've got the wall here,

I'm going to, I've gone on Etsy and I'm going to get you cursed. I'm going to curse you. Oh no. Lots to choose from here. Curse your enemies hex spell. Extreme karma and revenge spell. Payback, regret. Curse reversal.

Photo proof. Curse your enemy, hex of torment. Carmic justice revenge spell. You shouldn't mess with this stuff, you know. Honestly, this is... When the documentary comes out in years to come about our incredible cataclysmic

downfall and how we went from, you know, dare I say it, earning a few quid to have a no money whatsoever, it won't be It won't be drugs. It won't be drink. It'll be every single person who crosses me from now to me downfall. I'm going to spend money getting them hexed on Etsy. It's cheaper than what you wanted to do a few years ago. What was that? You wanted to buy a tank and drive along the streets and anybody who undercut you or like whatever was it? You just want to know you want to run them off the road with the tank. You just say that all the time.

Yeah, that's the billionaire plan. That's for when I become a billionaire. Okay. You know, God willing. That's what I'm going to do. Just run people off the road and just pay the bill. This, this. I don't think anyone should be a billionaire. Yeah, great. I mean, that's a whole other thing all together. But yes, so you can literally go on Etsy and buy curses. Great. Same day.

Same day, send them the name, don't even need the date of birth, possibly a photo over the person you want to curse and which will curse them. And that's that. Bring it on? So yeah. I've already got 10.

Really? Easy. Unbelievable. Yeah. I'm going to curse the fuck out of you for your birthday. Bon anniversary. Bon anniversary. It's sad.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for what's your beef. What's your beef? What's your beef? You caught me unaware as I wasn't ready. Oh, I caught you in away with that bit. So you're saying you could have probably done with a countdown. No, no countdown.

Great. I've got beef. You say you don't have beef. I don't think I do. Really? Just, we're all right. Like, there's nothing crazy. I mean, you're horrible at the kids.

Yeah, but that's... But that's... That's just an ongoing... I'm not horrible to them. Oh, you're horrible to them. You talk horribly to them. And then you hate it when they're horrible to you. And I'm like, they're just repeating the way you talk with them.

They're bringing on themselves. But then sometimes you're really nice to them. Like, you are a very good dad. They're very lucky to have you. Right. So the difference is here, and I talk about it in me stand up, your thing of, you can shout at them and scream at them, but I'm not allowed to.

You say it's awful when I do it. You should hear yourself when you're having to go at them. I know. Right? So... I'm a hypocrite. Yeah. So shut the fuck up.

Right? That's what I... You shut the fuck up. Whoa! Literally. You shut the fuck. Don't you curse me? No, I'm getting it early.

I was going to wait to your birthday, but I'm going to get you now. Honestly. Just do a nice one. Oh no, curse me. Curse me to like literally drop six stone. There it is. Extreme, extreme demonic curse. Right.

16 pound 38. Reduced from 65 pound. That's unbelievable. Free UK delivery. What am I getting delivered? The curse? Curse your enemy's spell. I don't want to.

I want a professional to do it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. This is really bad, bad, karma. Don't do it. Don't do it. No, so, right, I do, right, yes, I do have a go at them, but sometimes

they just need to be told to shut the fuck up. And I don't say shut the fuck, I don't swear at them, but sometimes, I'm like, yeah. It's just much more intense from a bloke. I don't know, I don't mean to be like, is that sexist? I don't know. But it just is and I just, when you talk to them like,

I'm like, oh, me babies. Yeah. But then when I'm like, get on it! Exactly. To me, that's fine. in filthy hypocrisy. And honestly, two curses.

You're getting two curses. Leave me alone. The curse of loneliness. There we go. We'll get you one of them. So, my beef with you is, and it's just a little one,

I don't know if you remember this, right? You were the other day trying a load of stuff on in your dressing room, as is you, it seems to be the only thing you do these days. I'll go to your dressing room.

Right, I'm... I need outfits for work. So do I. She put this on, dear. All right, sorry, I'm a woman and I have hormones. and every month my weight goes up and down and sometimes I'm not happy with the way I look

so I spend a little bit longer choosing what I'm going to wear so that when I'm on the television I don't want to die when I see myself on telly because I'm a size 14 this is my size forever I'm not going to lose weight

because I love food I love wine I can maintain this weight by going in the gym like four times a week because that's all I've got time for and sometimes eating healthy but also I like to binge on a weekend and this is just how I'm going to be

so if I take longer at a try, I think I didn't mean to get as angry as I have again you got angry, you didn't keep it light all I'm saying is, right? This is the size I am and I'm happy to be this size because every fucker else is shrinking around us

and I'm like, are we not allowed to be bigger than a size 10 anymore? Oh, like, no, it's wild anyway, that's a whole other conversation. Great, so I came in your dressing room the day. you were, you, you shouted of me, you shouted of me, you said, Chris, come here,

and I came to look at something you're trying on. I don't know if you remember this, but you went, think of this, I'll do this with it. And I went, yeah, yeah, I went, lovely, I. And I stood there for literally a couple of seconds, and you went, right, what do you want? And I went, are you taking the piss? You asked me to come in here?

And you went, oh yeah, I did, sorry. How can you get out? Don't remember. You did. Okay, sorry. You asked us to come in. You asked us what you look like, and then you immediately forgot that conversation

and went, why are you here? What do you want? And I was like, you just asked me to come in. Then you left, me just leave. So, sorry, were you upset? It's just a bit. Sorry.

Do you want, do you want, would you like a compliment? Yes. Would you like me say something nice? Feels like a trap, but okay. So you, we've got an on-sweet bathroom in our bedroom that you use, that you get ready for.

That's what I do, me, poos. The other, no, you get ready there, and you get your clothes on and stuff, And it's the other day when you were out, I went in there for something and I could smell you. And I went, oh. And it smelled really nice.

Oh. And I thought, that's nice. So, what? Is this the time to tell you that? I'd never go out. I'd just hide in there. I was in there. Don't hide in there because that's my worst fear.

My worst fear. Sometimes, do you know, I check everywhere. I check under my bed before I go to sleep. I check all the cupboards, everything. And then sometimes... It's almost like you shouldn't exclusively consume media. about murders and killers and rapists.

It's almost like constantly listening to and watching things about murders and killers and the worst possible depraved things humans can do at each other has a long-term effect on your mental health and makes you not comfortable in your own house. It's almost like that. Yeah, no, I would agree. But sometimes I do it and I think,

what if there was someone here? Like, I've normally got like a glass of water in my hand and my phone torch and then something else. And I'm like, if there is someone in there, then what they're gonna but then I think well I'm ready yeah sort of I'm getting a cold you know yeah it's a sad curse I cursed her with a cold curse yesterday is it working yeah this is amazing babadoo babadoo babadu babadu babadu babadu ba it's time for questions from the public questions from public as always if you like getting touched it is shagged married annoyed at gmail dot com

That's if you want to send a long form email. If you would like to send a voice note, it is 07-874-4. No, no, it's 07-874-40-60-66-5-0. That's 07-874, 4-066-5-0. Thank you in advance. I've got such an itchy nose. And also, when I was at the fringe, like...

Do you know you're ill because of the fringe? Like, every time I did the fringe, I would get ill. Because it's like people from literally all over the world fill in unventilated rooms. and ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha it's like it's like going

like a laugh is basically a cough it's like going into a room and just coughing all over each other it's fine it is what it is like you know anyway I kept sniffing all the time because I've got like a nervous sniff

but everyone just thinks I'm on cocaine yeah it's awful yeah I could see people like looking at my eyes and I'm like I'm never

very unfair because we all know that you put your cocaine up your bum as well so she wouldn't even she wouldn't bother putting it about straight my eyeball eyeball

eyeball pole I've never took cocaine in my life but I've sound like have. You can't have it up your bum. Can you? Yeah, there's a famous story of someone.

I want to say Pete Dockley, but it might not have been Pete Dockley, so don't quote us on this, but someone, a rock, a rock and roll, a guy was so out of it and had a gig,

and the manager went and found them, and it was like, he's on stage in 20 minutes, and he was like, ugh, like off down us, so he blew cocaine up his ass for the straw to bring him back. Did it work?

Apparently so. I'd rather probably take it up my bum than up my nose. Just clip that up. Clip that audio there. I can't, like, honestly, is it, I mean, I'm, listen, if you take cocaine and you enjoy it, then I'm sorry and I'm going to cause offence.

But I couldn't think of anything worse than sniffing something up my nose. I don't get it. I know what you mean. Like, when you're in a swimming pool or when you laugh and water goes up your nose, horrible. Proper pain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I don't get it personally, but obviously the effects of it. I would like to, so we were talking about this at the fringe. Well, you know. You'd be the fringe. just a bit in the fringe. So I've never took

like hard drugs. Oh, wasn't at the fringe? I was talking about this. This was with my other mates. This was with my teacher mates. This was the night out you had before you went at the fringe. Yeah.

Just the day before. You've had a good run. Yeah. I'm joking. I was just saying I would like, before I die, I would like to try drugs. Okay. Like in a room being monitored

by like a nurse. I would like to just try all the hard drugs. I would like to. Sounds great. What a night out. I know, but in my room. I, you know. Great. Can I not be there?

Because it sounds horrible. Sounds like the most clinical, the most clinical sort of drug. It's a clinical drug trial is essentially what you want to do. Okay, then I would like, that's what I'd like to do. Great. Okay, then, there we go. Yeah.

I'll sort that out for you. Listen, dear Rosen, Chris, I've just listened to the episode where you spoke about the man who was having a wank with these reading glasses on. I don't even remember that. Yeah, that's terrible. This reminded me of our ongoing debate within our mates, like within the friendship group about my husband.

Half a memory here. I'm sure he got out on the lenses of his glasses if I remember rightly. I'm sure he'd hit his face if I remember rightly. I don't remember, but anyway. Well played if it did. I want, similarly, walk up in the night to walk into the lounge

to find my husband having a wank in complete darkness. Good grief. No phone, no laptop. Old school memories. All lights off, just him sitting in his chair at his desk in the dark. Now again, no issue with wanking,

but I felt this was. psychopath vibes. In the dark, yeah. It's now gone to vote with our mates if this weird behaviour or not. Straight to the mates. Office pool vibes. Interesting to get your vote, what we're thinking.

Why the lounge? Go to the toilet. Why are you in the lounge? In his defence, right? Do you know when you pay like a mortgage? Yeah. And like they're really expensive. I pay the mortgage,

I should be able to wank in every room in this house. We should. You should be able to wank in his lounge. But that's just in the dark. That's a community of space. What are you doing in the lounge? Have you not got a toilet? Not got a bathroom?

Not got a spare bedroom? All right. Check me privilege here. It's bare bedroom. But also, if you just never got any time alone, I sometimes think some couples just spend too much time.

If he's just sitting in the door, it's not at his desk, but he hasn't got his computer on. He hasn't gone surround sound porn or anything. If he's just going, a toilet is essentially a seat and you've got a lock on that door. Go to the toilet.

Sit in the edge of the bath. What the hell are you doing? We're doing the family lounge in the middle of the night in the dark for you. Also, like, skills. What do you mean? Like, just memory. I'd be there for years, man.

He'll be there for hours. You'd be knack at the next day. I know. I think in this day and age. You know? Yeah, but fair play at them. Yeah, I mean, I'm not judging him, but... I don't find it to be psychopathic, I'd just fine go to the toilet.

I wouldn't have went in the room. If I heard you through the door. Well, how much noise is he making? It's quite a quiet thing. Unless he's on the squeakiest chair ever and he's breathing like fucking Darth Vader. I mean, you'd think he'd just put the telly on. don't you think?

Yeah, but then it's like, oh, I came in and he was, you know, I wasn't going to see, fax. I don't know. I don't know what to make of that. Bit weird. A bit weird in the middle of the night. When the mood got him, might have a sexy dream. Okay, fair enough.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, joined thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer.

Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. The Royal Canadian Legion is celebrating its 100th anniversary. And now our change has a $2 coin to mark this milestone. Honor the Legion's mission to carry forward stories of service and sacrifice, to new generations and their dedication to supporting veterans and their families from coast to coast to coast. Celebrate this enduring legacy. Find the 100th anniversary of the Royal Canadian Legion $2 coin today. Hi, Gertan Rosie. This is Claire from Ireland. This is one of those things I learned in my 30s. So basically I went on a family holiday when I was five years of age. And there was this girl who had a rash on her arms and legs.

And she told me she was allergic to comfort. I often thought about her kind of thinking, you know, when you get into bed at night, how you can't be comfortable or sitting back on a chair or couch or watching TV and not being able to be comfortable. I really felt for this five-year-old. So today I was putting my clothes in the wash. I was putting in the fabric softener when I realized. it was the fabric

softened she was allergic to that's yes I'm 36 and just realized that today I love that so much

that is so good that is so funny she thought that this girl she met was allergic to the concept of being comfortable so she'd literally go

sit down and watch this film oh yeah I could nod off oh no I'm coming I'll tell you what, that, if you're going to heck someone or curse them, curse them with the inability to ever be comfortable. Any of the witches are listening, that, add that to your repertoire. That would kill me, that would kill me off.

I sometimes feel like someone's got me with that one. I sometimes can't get comfortable at all. God, I love being comfortable me. Yeah, I love being comfortable me. That's a, that's a t-shirt. That's a big jumper. Big jumper with I love being comfortable me written on the fruit. Just get made comfortable.

Yeah. Get made comfy. That's fantastic. I'm quite good of getting comfy. What a great. on your CV? I just, yeah, I think it's, I'm quite, I think it's because I'm little. You know what I mean?

If I, my legs, I can like bring my legs in for now. I think you're just a lazy fucker. What does that I do? You're just, you're happy to be, you're happy to be comfortable anyway, as me point. I'm not a lazy fucker. No, but you like a lounge.

No, you like a lounge about. Roll the tape back. Tape? Roll, roll the, roll the. Oh, no, I'll say it again, you're a lazy fucker. You don't like me. I'm not, how my lazy fucker. Fucker.

Because when you're down... I'm here. I've got a job. Yeah. But when you're chilling, when you're down, you won't get up for anything. Like,

you know, you do love to be sedentary once you're down. And my point is, you, I think, I just think you really enjoy, you know,

which is fine, being slobish and sedentary and lying there, yeah, but I think you enjoyed so much that you're, you might not be as comfortable as you think,

but you're like, well, it's better than standing up. Well, I know, but then this brings us to another really sad story. Oh, God. Why did you doing this?

again. I was just surrounded by people who don't have children. And I was talking to Stevie Martin, my friend, from Stevie Martin from a Taskmaster. So lovely. And she was like, what are you doing for your birthday? And I was like, oh, I said to Chris, I was like, I want to go for lunch, we're going

for dinner at a lovely restaurant where we live, and I want to have wine with my lunch. I want to come back home. I want because I love being around my family, but I want to sit and watch a film and eat crisps and drink wine. I don't actually want anything to do with them, but I want them just to be around. So I can hear them, playing and they can come in and give us a hug and stuff

but also leave us alone I don't want to do bedtime and I just want to sit and slob out for the rest of the day and I was like that's what I want to do for my 40th birthday and I feel like a face went really kind of like still and she just sort of looked at it and she was like that's like my day

every day and I thought no it is so she every day is living she's living your birthday but she's living your birthday she could if she wanted to she basically you described any day off that she has Yeah, it's like Sunday. Wow.

I know I could have vomited. That's the thing though. Like, when you have children, you just, you don't, you're like, yeah, you sit down for an hour and you think, oh my God, I'm so disgust and I'm a slob. Yeah. I never used to get out of bed on a Saturday. I would just stay in bed all day and I would go have a bath and I'd get back into bed. Nice. And I would never, I had no judgment for myself at all.

Yeah. Do you remember? We don't do it now, man. You've got stuff. We used to have sex low. Do you remember? We used to just lie in bed. all day have sex like whenever we wanted to and now I do remember and that's that's when

I'm having me wanks in the dark that is what I remember I think it'll come back yeah I think no because once the kids like once the kids can like get themselves completely ready yeah and like maybe drive a car and shit and like you just don't have to do stuff I think me and you will go we'll stay in bed all day and we'll just have sex and stuff great can't wait be excited I'm very excited okay let's not split up before then because let's have a couple of days of it at least before it's split up

yeah no it's coming oh okay it's all coming it's all coming you'll be coming great great work thank you tell you beat the fringe

all that art to rubbing off on you babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu back to Chris and Rosie something devastatingly embarrassed just happened to me embarrassing just happened to me and I knew I had to immediately

let you know love these ones I've been a long time listener of the pod and I think this incident will be right up your street So I've just done my weekly shop People who can do weekly shop

So jealous I'm at the fucking shops every day Well that's because We used to do a weekly shop No I still have to go and get something that's ran out Or something I forgot every single time And then spurious irritating things run out Like dishwasher the dishwasher is like

Oh I need salt and I'm like Well it's Oh like I ran out of garlic granules the other day And I was like I can't just get them I don't just like I go and do the weekly shop I get these things in and then I just, you're so fucking organised

and I'm so jealous, so jealous. So do they never pop to the shop? I mean, listen, this might just be our big shop. Can you chill out? Oh, I'm so jealous. Jesus. It's just level of, level of organisation and a handle on your life that I would love to have.

Well, it's the shop that is notoriously known for scanning really quickly. Okay. Now, like all supermarkets, there's that stressful moment when the speed of your packing doesn't match the speed of their scanning. she's too slow.

I'm terrible, the pattern bags. And you find yourself... I'm a maze in her packing bags. I know you are. And I don't big me up about many, big myself up about many things. But I'm telling you right now, in a previous life,

I've been a professional backpacker. I think so. I think you have literally been a football coach in a previous life. Putting stuff away. For all of the kids team, local kids' teams. Put all of the stuff away.

I think you've had so much practice. And I think like, back in the day, if you, like, the quick save or the, press stores would have given you like a medal. Do you know what? That shit you said earlier on about going in a room and spelling,

that's not a compliment. What you've just said there, that's a compliment. You're welcome. Thank you. I hate myself. Back in the day, supermarkets would have given me a medal for how good I had packed. Can I tell you right? I'm,

Ike to myself. When I'm packing me bags, I always say at the cashier, oh my husband's so much better at me than me that is because I'm like, I'm like embarrassed and I like have to tell them that actually I do, like I don't normally do this. Just give you a quick tip.

quick tip anyone listening get your bag put your pizzas your pizzas on first put your pizzas first pizzas and heavy things first I go heavy things not just heavy things you need your pizzas on first

it's scaffolding for the bag hold the bag open put your pizza there no no down the side so your bags there and your pizzas down the side and it keeps the bag rigid it gives you it gives you basically a base to put everything else on then you can put sort of bananas fruit and stuff the bottom then you put lighter things on the top of that

then even if you've got enough space loaf of bread on the top put that I do all my fruit and veg in the same bag. Okay. You can do that if you want. It's okay. It's okay. Don't get us wrong. I would never put like, I would never put dishwasher salt in with the fruit and veg. That's madness. Why would I do that? I'll put that in with sort of your deodorants.

Yeah, you know, your other things, maybe a pair socks I might have got or some F&F underpants, which I have a big fan of. You know, but you need scaffolding for your bag. That's what you need. Thank you. Thank you for coming to TED Talk. Great. Are you done? Yes. And could I also just say as well, being told I was the best pack around in the world,

which is I'm sure you said something like that. Universe. I think you said universe. Also, that's up there with when the guy came out to serve as the hot tub and he said that it's one of the cleanest residential hot tubs he's ever seen. Both well-maintained residential hot tubs he's ever seen. I'm buzzing with that because that's... Very proud of myself.

We should go in later. Yes. God, I love how hard. Yes. So much. The best thing ever bought. Golf seemed a bit better, but fair enough. No, never.

listen I've found this particularly stressful in this certain supermarket I'm not sure whether it's just my local store but this section after the scanning the section after the scanning is really small so you definitely need to pack it like these feet bottlenecks there's nothing worse than when they all go

all the up the little hill thing and then they're just waiting going you need to pack these faster so it's sort of throwing them across the top of the other ones but then you can't win because sometimes you get a really slow scanner I love a slow scanner oh I don't I'm literally like come on no on because man

Listen, so today, there I was, frantically grabbing items as the kind young man speedily scanned more through. In my haste, I just kept grabbing stuff and shoving it into my bag rather than actually looking at what I was doing. No scaffolding. When I grabbed something that... She's crushed up, red. She's crushed up red. When I grabbed something that didn't feel right. Glancing up, I realized I had grabbed...

Yes, you've guessed it. No. It's put a young man's hands. Oh, God. God. Oh, that's fucking awful. You be this, can, eh? Yeah.

This is more for YouTube. Oh, done. You're coming home with me. Oh, my charity. Do you come with the shopping? Oh, that's so upsetting. I know. Grab these hand.

She apologised and then she left, yeah. Bless you. I know. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm one of four siblings and we recently had a family get-together. Nice. My sister was living.

to join us and turned up without her husband. When she arrived, we obviously asked where Daniel, not his real name, was. Sorry, I'm later, she said... Where did they say that, Daniel then? It's not his real name, we're just using it. I'm joking. Sorry, Am later said Daniel was mugged last night.

Whoa. We all looked at her, open-mouthed, how awful. I know she said, looking out of us, deadpan, ick. Oh my God! No way! No fucking way! immediately creased up laughing because we were all thinking the same thing.

Don't worry. Bunch of bastards. Don't worry, he's fine, she explained. Someone snatched his phone out of his hands. It was unlocked, so they've managed to get into his banking and emails and locked him out of everything. He's at home trying to sort it all out. I do really feel sorry for him, but seriously, what an heck. That's absolutely.

Honestly, guys, you're fucked. You're fucked. You can't even get mugged without it being your fault when you're a report. So, victim of a crime, locked out of your. entire life and somehow also slightly less attractive to his wife careful out there mugging careful out there lads mugging equals bigick oh it doesn't i'd be just should if you got moaner such that's like one of the worst cases of victim blame i've ever heard that is so it is funny i know i think again again there's logic to it i understand i think it's for women yeah

yeah yeah yeah i weirdly understand i understand it it's sadly they've got a point which is awful oh you got moogged brilliant Oh, brilliant. Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, Babadu, back. Dear Chris and Rosie, I've been listening to the podcast since the start of the year, and I've been loving listening, so I thought I'd write in. Thank you very much.

Yeah, I don't think we ever say it. I know, sorry, I didn't mean actually, I normally don't. Thank you to new listeners. We can't, you know, thank you. They've also normally always, all of our letters, all of our emails, sorry, have got that on. I just don't. We don't read that bit.

Well, thank you. Thank you, everyone. It's amazing that people are still discovering this. I said that just today. I was like, I can't believe we're still getting emails. like what are the air. And new listeners. It's amazing. Thank you. So thank you. We'll love it.

This happened a while ago, but I thought you'd enjoy it. You and Chris have spoke about how you grew up working class and now our middle class, which is weird. Yeah, I suppose annoyingly we are. I'm still working. I'm still working. I'm still working. I don't think it ever leaves you. Do you know what I still have? Have I talked about this on the podcast?

Who was I talking about this the idea? Who was I talking about? Oh, it was Carl. Me and Carl. So Carl started to get like, like, when he's like plodding around Gosfath when he's just doing his day-to-day life. He's starting to get, like, recognised and stuff. And he's doing the City Hall in Newcastle in the next leg of his tour.

And he's obviously supporting me on my tour, which goes out again in September. Thank you, everyone, starts as 10th to September. So you're there. And we have moments. And even I have them where someone's looking at you, like a bloke is looking at you. And my immediate reaction is, fuck's that prick, like that? And I go, oh. And Carl has them as well.

Someone came up running. He was like, oh, fucking hell, what's this? And they were like, are your car looked at? And he was like, oh, yeah, sorry. It's like ready to fucking deck them Yeah but at one point At some point in the future You'll have been recognisable longer than you haven't been

In January January 17th next year It'll be 20 years since I first got on stage Sick That's not an ache that's January 17th I think January 70 is my first ever gig Well done Yeah mad

All right Um I should give less of a fuck Okay I said well do Oh, Jesus Christ. I said, I said, well done, that's class. That's so, oh my God, that's fantastic! That's better.

I don't know what you want. Fireworks. You want, you shouldn't have married me. I am not happy enough for you. Maybe a little dance. Maybe a cartwheel. Little backflip. I can't, I never.

Can I tell you right now? Learn to do a backflip and then whenever I tell you something I've achieved, just do a backflip on the spot. That's all I ask. Is that too, is that too much to ask of a marriage? Don't because you're bringing up. trauma here. I could never

cartwheel at school. Do you know when all the girls used to wear shorts under my skirt? I couldn't do a fucking cartwheel to save my life. They used to all do it against the wall used to like go against the wall

remember? Handstand against the wall, I couldn't do it. So, but I would still I would still wear shorts under my skirt. Oh, that's what the shorts are for for? So you don't show your niggas?

All right. So you're like, oh, I'm in the, I'm in the handstand guy but I can't do them. Ever do it. And I used to try sometimes now. Well, you're all shorts and under your shirt

just because you did regularly shake your pants at school. It was just catch the shit. We've got new listeners who won't have ever listened to that episode. Shash our pants on school. And Shatmy Man found it in me knickers at the end of the day.

And this was, she said it was like a cow pad. She was quite late on. She was 17 and she was recent at JCCSA's at college and she shot her pants. I wasn't, but it was later on than what you're thinking. Yeah. Yeah.

15? No. Don't because it's bad. So you still can't do a cartwheel? No, I can't do a cartwheel. Wow. I haven't tried for a while. I'm not even going to try now.

you're breaking eyes it'll be awful Josh can we get on with this? No which is so very similar to her paper to my parents who's wrote this

grew up working class so basically you grow up without a bit of money and then you get a bit of money but you still have the same values yeah yeah I think that's fine yeah a lot comedians have done shows about it

yeah yeah yeah Jason Manfred muddle class it's true it's true because even though you can afford it, I sometimes have a day out with the kids and I go, you fucking what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much? I mean, I know I can afford it, but Jesus. Yeah, there's a difference between being affording something and letting someone, you know, take the piss out of you financially, but yeah. Yeah, but it never goes that thing. Anyway, listen. However, my parents, particularly my dad, struggles with this. One evening, me and my sister would correct me my dad and telling him he can no longer identify

as working class. He quickly replied saying, I'm working and I'm class. To which me and my sister pissed ourselves laughing. A couple of months later my dad stopped working and despite this proudly proclaiming, well, I'm still class. Brilliant. This was four years ago. And since then we have purchased plenty of pine glasses

with his iconic phrase across there. So if anyone in the south are listening, class is a jordy word for brilliant. Yeah. Class that's class. Like pure class. Do you want to hear a jordy joke? Yes

Yeah Dear Chris and Rosie What's the difference between a kangaroo? No, no I've told you the end I just know it's very famous Okay A kangaroo and a kangaroo

Yeah One is an Australian marsupil And the other one is a Geordie trap near left Don't assume that I don't know Every single Jordie joke Come on man I don't know that I'd never heard that

I've got the top score I beat Josh Ridicum and John Bishop on Capitol Breakfast doing their dad jokes, finishing off their dad jokes. Yeah, there's a leaderboard with, as far as I know, only our three names on. You know a lot of shit jokes. Thank you.

Thank you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi guys. I went to the dentist yesterday when I was having my x-rays done. The dentist, who was quite an attractive man, practically pressed himself up against the wall to avoid the radiation.

To be fair, it was more the comparison of him leaving the vision. room the other times but just awkwardly staying inside this time. Oh so he pressed them up against the wall this time. So he used to leave the, do you know, I've taught around if you go and they always leave. They always leave the room. Yeah, because the difference is one little jolt of it every time you get your teeth checked every six months or whatever is okay. It's fine. They're doing it four, five, six times a day. So he's just pressed himself up against the wall. That's so weird. So normally the leave, but he just got quick.

She's just basically just saying it was awful. She doesn't fancy him anymore. He can't win. Even the dentists are getting grief. Do you know what I mean? See, a good-looking dentist or a good-looking doctor is always going to be quite a swath. So, like, a good-looking dentist, good-looking doctor, good-looking pilot.

Do you know what I mean? They're always going to be like, you know what I mean? I can see them. If I had to draw them, I could draw them, I'm going to draw you the perfect one. It's always like a bump. But again, even them, even them,

there's still, it's so easy to turn people off you. Do you want to hear something? What? She's not my type. Really? No. No? Not my type

I know what you mean Too clever I just feel stupid Yeah I know what you mean No disrespect because you are quite clever In a different sort of way But if I was married to a doctor or something I would just feel permanently stupid

So I'm no Like literally like Were we still Have we talked about I don't want to spend my life like that What? Have we talked about the fact that This might not stay in

I don't think I've ever run this past year Have we talked on here about the time That we went and looked at the house and we asked them that was a really nice house and we asked them what they did and the man and woman showing around went, we're both doctors

and we quoted it for fucking like years we've said guys we'll still see it now like such arseals we're both doctors we're both doctors we're both doctors it was an aggressive tone

we're both doctors we're both podcasts we're both podcasts we should start saying it they could have went we're doctors we're both doctors Yeah.

Okay. It was aggressive. And that's, that circles back to why you never, ever really don't properly move from your class system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we just made me feel like shit. As if,

because, well, in their defence, right? Yeah. They'd lived in this house forever. It was a lovely, beautiful house. It was quite a big house. Yeah. You know, and we just came rocking up in with trainers and shit.

To look around their house. And I think they were like, Oh no, no, no, no. Like, and then we should have went back with We're bags and being like big mistake, huge mistake, but we didn't, but anyway. We're back carrying another house. Carrying a different house. Big mistake.

But yeah, we're both doctors. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. We did quote that for a long time. Big love for a lot of doctors out there though, you know, couldn't live without you. Oh my God, I love doctors. But just don't have moving with one or marry one because it feels stupid. It's my own insecurities.

when I'm around really intelligent people I feel like a piece of shit do you not you should no I do I genuinely feel like a piece of shit I know what you mean but I don't again that's just you because I don't think intelligent people are deliberately trying to make you feel like shit I think that's your own insecurities

of being not very like intelligent but that's fine worldly wise aren't I though I know everything about the world common sense is bang on right okay maybe yeah yeah well these with these curses kicking, we'll see how you do.

Can't wait. Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, ba. 30, 29, 28. Brilliant. Listen, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmardinoy. I love you. He just likes you as a friend. Wow.

Because he's married to me and get your hands off. Because as we've all worked out, I'm clinically straight. Right, there is. Terminally straight. Terminally straight. Guys, again, just to reiterate what was he said, thank you so much for listening. We don't take you for granted

and thank you for watching if you are. Please subscribe on YouTube and subscribe on your podcast operator or shop or whatever you want to fucking call them. I get annoyed calling a podcast shop, but it is quite irritating. Podcast app, does that work? That probably works.

That's probably the right way to say it. Listen, I'm on to our next month. 10th of September it starts. I'm going all over the place. There's still some tickets left for some of the venues. Hull, Darby. Get your fucking arces in gear. I don't know.

What? It's the same as it. last time that don't like you there there is literally a shrine in the local post office of we hate Chris Ramsey he's a dick

why do you keep booking these places that's good no the thing is right there was an assembly room's venue which is a perfect size for me

it was like 1500 or 2000 or whatever but it burnt down how did it burnt down I've sold it out before but it burnt down and then I couldn't go to dog of it just

and now there's a new Derby one but it's like a fucking like a half arena it's like three and a half thousand seats and I've done it I've done around the air.

Listen, if you have any way in your dog, you just come to that fucking gig, right? Please go by it. Please go to these gig. It's got to be good. Because he'll have a breakdown and I'm too young and too pretty

to be married to a man who's having a nervous breakdown. Well, that's a very selfish with a little potential breakdown. But there we go. Guys, thank you so much. If you want to get my road at gmail. com, the WhatsApp number at com.

Beos got me phone out. You can see it's in the things. And we'll be back in your ears next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. She's got a tits out,

but I'm probably going to edit it out the video It would be fair, so there we go. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at PMCF1.

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