Sh**ged Married Annoyed - The Great North Run, a Twister re-watch and a special guest at Chris's show

Episode Date: September 18, 2026

On Shagged Married Annoyed this week Rosie has had enough of Chris being on tour but would like to know who his special guest was... The pair discuss whether Twister is a suitable rewatch, if Chris is like Fozzy and why people are nostalgic for Paw Patrol. Rosie has some potential HR problems, Chris is still head of the Dad jokes and they both explain their Truman show conspiracy! All this plus some brilliant additions to the new feature, prefect chat and some missing school books! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married and Oides. We talk a lot about 90s films and I'm absolutely loving it. We're going through a real 90s films phase at the minute and long made it continue. We get deep early. Sorry. Not in a sexy way. You have a very special guest in one of your gigs. Very special guests.

With a lovely name. With a very strange name. We feel old again as usual. Sick. Questions from the public. Beefs and everything in between. Yes indeed. Enjoy. Hello.

You are listening and possibly watching. Shagmound annoyed with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris. Hello. Hello. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello, hello. How's it going? Good. Why do you say hello? It's hello. I hate hallo. Beef, beef, beef. Oh, my fuck.

My husband says hello. Like shallow, hello. Is that a thing? Hello. I'm not how to say hello? I don't know. It just sounds weird. Really? Welcome to the podcast. Oh God, one word. One word and I'm getting fucking jumped all over? Not in a good way?

No, you do it every week. Do her. Hello. Hello. All right. Sorry. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Right. Stop. Enough. I shouldn't have said anything. You shouldn't have said anything. It's a very, very negative, negative way to start the podcast. You're a disgrace.

You should be offended. You know what? You're married. I'm not. I'm not a positive person. No. Try it. So they.

Yeah. But yes, all good. I've been on tour. I've done my first little bit of it. I'm back. We had a little, we didn't even watch a telly last night. We sat and chatted. We did.

Didn't. I'm seething. Right. That you're on tour. Yes, yes. I got the earliest, guys, the earliest ever in a tour that I've had a, Don't go on tour again.

Do you know, it's... One day. So... One day in. Well, okay. The spring summer was great. Yeah. The winter one, not so good.

It's not even winter yet. It's not even winter yet. It's cold. It just rained. Do you know what it is? Robin Spraney's uncle. And that was the issue. Yeah.

So I've been in the house all weekend with the kids. Yeah. And because he's had to rest his ankle. And obviously, it's just be, a lot. Yes. Because normally I like to just get them out. Run them about.

Of course. They're puppies. Sit on my phone while they do the stuff. You know what I mean? Because why not? Right. I agree. Shut up.

Judging us. It's normally emails to be fair. It's work. Yeah. Wink, ring. But yeah, so it's just been a bit stressful and I'm just a bit like, oh God. Why have you gone?

I just like, I missed you. Wow, wow. You turned that round. I genuinely did. I genuinely missed you. We've got a really good groove of us too. We have. We have. You can't deny it.

We've got a good house. It took where years, I think. It takes a while. It's took a long time. But now we've got a really good groove. We know our jobs. We know what we're doing. And when one person isn't there, holy crap, like, I didn't sit down. The house of cards falls apart. Yeah, you don't sit down. That's the thing.

So when you're here, so I find it, when you're not here, I find it obviously harder, but weirdly easier in a way because I just reside myself to the fact that I'm not going to sit down. And I don't. I stand. I literally stand and I go, right, he's at his food right. There's his juice right. He's up there. And I just like on a morning when I have my coffee on a

morning, when you're here, I'm like, oh, cheek your little sit down. Yeah, I'll do weird. But when you're not here, I'm like, I'll do all of the uniforms and stuff. But when you're not here, I'm like, I know I can't. So I just, yeah, it is. I'm sorry, it is tough. No, no, it's got to be done. It's work, isn't it? If it makes you feel better at all, I got two games of golf in. I had pizza two nights in a row, then I had a disheum two nights in a row. So I'm personally having a lovely time. So if that makes you feel better that one of us team members here,

i.e. me, is having a lovely time. Then, you know, hopefully keep that in the back of your mind. Any time you're having a tough time, just think, but he's on a golf course now. Well, that's the problem because when the kids were little like, you would really miss them and you'd be like, I'm so good. Like, I'm really not having a nice time. Now you're like, Stone pick up my phone. See you later. I know phones on the golf course, motherfuckers.

You used to come home after a game's room. I used to get them. Dry through the night, four hours. No fucking chads. You're kidding us. No way. Oh, it's fine. I get it, I get it.

I've got a very busy sketch coming up soon anyway. So, Sandra. Ships in the night. Ships in the night is a water, aren't we? Yeah, Sandra's got a lot going on, Sandra. So get ready. So, yes, so thank you so much to everyone who came to the last few shows. It was Norwich, Ipswich, Iwitch, Liverpool, Stoke.

All amazing. Thank you very, very much. Got something to tell you about a very special audience member that I had in Stoke later on on the podcast. That's a teaser. That's what they do on local radio. Coming up, coming up after. Shakira?

Someone who I think of? Oh, Jesus. Have I just aged myself? Come back into the 21st century. She's still a thing. She just did a song, song. She did a song.

For Zootopia. Was it Edisutopia number two? I think it was Zootopia too. Oh, well, I'm all right there. I'm still up to date. I don't know why she was the first person who popped in me. Listen.

Great. A hip don't lie. Hips don't lie. The hips don't lie. Hips don't lie. Moves like Mountain. What's it? Tits like mountains.

What did you say? Do you know? Look at that my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains. Which I've done lots of times. The amount of times I've hired a pickaxe in your nipple and try to climb over the top of it. It's good advice.

Listen. I wish my breasts were small and humble. Oh God, I'd give anything for small and humble breasts. Have we talked about this before? I'm sure. Did I do one extra extra? Have we mentioned it? She found out, I'm 99% sure this is true.

Shakira found out that the fella she was with, who I think was a footballer, was cheating on her because she came home from to her and there was less jam in the jam jar and he doesn't like jam. So we had a last day who'd used the jam and it was her jam. I am 99% sure. That's true.

Do you know, all my, honestly, I mean, I don't know what she's like as a person. Yeah. But it was the same when Beyonce got cheated on. You just go, there's no help for anyone. Yeah. If you're cheating on Shakira with her small and humble breasts, Like, what?

See, I'm sorry, she would be amazing in bed. Oh, with the way of the hips moving there. Oh, hell on, yeah. But listen. I'm not even a man. I'm not even got a dick. Can we address the main problem here?

Do not, fellas, be letting your side chick use the jam. Yeah. What's going on? I mean. Jam? Jam? The stickiest substance of the world when you're coming over for some hanky-panky,

get a load of jam round your mouth. As if your brain went to that. Yeah. Now listen, on that note, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for watching. Thank you for watching if you are. If you're watching on YouTube, like and subscribe, that would be lovely. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. I might have had this before, but it's happening again. There's loads of them all over the place. It's do me nutting. I literally want to get out of the car and ask them questions. This week's sponsor is people who are just randomly walking down the dual carriageway. What's going on? Cotton eye, Joe. Where did you come from? Where did you go? I want to sometimes we're driving along on tour and I'll look and there's someone just and there's no broken down car or anything

in sight and it feels like there's not a built up area nearby I'm like I just think you should be able to pull over and go excuse me by law you have to tell me because I'm nauseous as fuck. Yeah

is it this is going to sound insane right you're going to think I'm mental okay but oh maybe I'm a narcissist I don't know what I am right do you ever in life and I've thought

this my whole entire life, I've sometimes thought, is it just me in this world? And I know everyone else is here, but as at the Truman Show, but then the other day, like when people like that come from Norway, you just kind of go, well, it can't be because where have they been? Yeah. And the other day I seen a woman talking to a baby in the back of the car.

And I was like, well, she's living her life. She's talking to her baby in the back of that car. Yeah. And then you go, yeah, it's not just me. Wow. Okay. Yeah. No, so I think I do believe we all have the Truman Show thing,

so I heard a really interesting one the other day. I sometimes still think it. I heard it. I heard it in Western theory the other day. Chris, when someone's still talking, you don't talk, you don't just talk. You just talk over me. Right.

In hopes that I'm going to stop talking. So are you talking? I don't hear anything. Stop it. Sorry. It's wild. No, I'm really sick of men at the minute. Not letting me stop,

not letting me fucking finish a sentence. just trying to prove that it's not just you in this world that I'm here as well that's all it is oh god I sound awful have you heard so I heard it in wrestling theory the other day yeah so you know how like there's it there's you know the whole sliding doors thing about like I can't remember sliding doors it's like yeah it's sort of a movie based on a theory of like every time you make a choice the universe fractures oh I believe that thing yeah yeah so I heard a theory the other day that said um you don't no one dies in their universe so you you'll never die in your version, you'll die in my version

and it'll fracture off into another one, but in your version, you don't die. Everyone else around you dies and you live, everyone lives forever in their own. Until you die? No, you don't die. What? I don't know. I think I've had an aneurysm. I don't like stuff like this.

So, when you've died, that's, when you've died, that's in someone else's and that fractures off into a different storyline kind of thing, like Marvel, but you never die in yours, you stay alive forever and you're like oh my god this person's lived forever but it's

just in so no one can experience anyone else happening because it only happens in your universe not other people it's mental it is mental I'm so confused sometimes I do understand what you're saying no I've got no idea sweeping generalisation there's more can we just go to me being in the Truman show

and the you're all fake okay that's it then yes yes what's wrong with us Jason Cook once said to me years ago um when you walk out of room do think everyone just wait for you to come back. And I said, yes. I mean, no, I think it's just, I don't know what it is.

Does anyone else feel like this? Do you ever just watch anyone else go in their life and go, oh wow, everyone else is living their life as well? Oh yeah. Well, you go, everyone else has got so much going on. To quote Jim Carrey's Ridler from Batman Forever. Yeah. What is everything to one ban, but nothing to another?

Their life. His mind. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, listen, we're getting deep to day. I love this. Deep as anything. Anyway. Will you here who was in my gig at Stoke?

E! What? Very special guest. Really? Yeah. Well, no. No. Okay. Well, after this, we'll be find out.

Play the thing. We had to fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle do. So this is the Jinggo. Jingle do. We hope you like the Jinggo. Jing.

Babadoo, babadoo, bao, bach. Jingo! Hello and welcome back. Right, who was at Stoke? Hello, wow. Is it somebody famous? No one famous, no one famous. So, was it Stoke?

Yeah, it's definitely Stoke. So I'm on stage in store. The story's getting chis out of the minute. Thank you for ever. Honestly, the run of gigs have been amazing. As I say, there's some tickets there for some of them, if you've gone on your website, but absolutely unbelievable. I've had lots of comments on stuff saying how good it's been.

Oh, that's lovely. Oh, amazing. Well, so yeah. So I did Nora Chips, Rich, Stoke, Liverpool. So in Stoke on Saturday night, I was just doing me show and everything was fine and then over to the right hand side of the stage I kept hearing like something rattling

like a necklace or a bag like the metal on a bat and I was like fuck and I ignored it for a bit and then I was like excuse me can Jacob Marley stop fucking rattling his chains in the corner right and everyone sort of laughed at it and then someone went oh it's a dog and I went oh right it's a dog and I went away and the most

gorgeously placid, beautiful golden retriever guide dog. He was absolutely stunning. Well, this was the best bit of the night. We found out the dog's name and everyone laughed so much. I nearly had to call the gig off because I was like, we're not going to get anything funnier than what this is. Right? I'm going to give you five guesses, right?

I'm going to give you five guesses to what this dog's name is. If you get this dog's name and five guesses, I will be incredibly impressed. Okay. Okay. Was it Jacob Marley? No, but that would have been amazing. Was it Scrooge? No, that's two guesses.

Um, see no evil, he are no evil? No. Because it's a guide dog. Jesus. No. I don't know. I don't know. This dog's name, this beautiful dog, was called Phil.

Oh. Oh, God. Your name and your dog, Phil, for? I don't like that at all. It was the thing where I was like, I was talking the dog off stage. I was like, hi, how? I was here, I was like, you know. And then I was like, oh, I was, what's his name? And then went, Phil. I went, all right, shut the fuck up, Phil.

And then I took a few steps along and I turned, I went, sorry, Phil. And the whole crowd, it was like a problem. I didn't hear it the first time. Like, Phil, I was like, Phil, shut the fuck up, Phil. Sorry, Phil. It was, it was. Phil. Did you have to be there? Well, yes.

I feel like it had to be there. The best bit was, I was standing on the stage looking at the, looking at the dog, and I was like, because I went back over at the taught them for a bit, and I was looking at it, I was laughing, I was going, Phil, and the dog was looking at it as if they go, I, I can fucking call Phil, what do you want? Like, what? He's got no idea. He had no idea, his name was named after an accountant. It was hilarious.

Yeah, bless him. But you just, what I think is incredible about them is there's being guide dogs and loads of me gigs. And even when, you know, not giving anything away, but there's a part of the gig at the end where I get really fast and really loud. Not a fucking people. brilliant. They're just like, nah, this is my job.

Completely ignore what I'm doing. Unbelievable. But I was literally going, you name's Phil. And he was looking at his little tail was wagging, but he was just like, yeah, my name's Phil.

What's your fucking name? So clever. Great. So clever. Oh, I love a golden retriever. It was the quintessential, like Hollywood movie golden retriever.

That's what we're getting. It was gorgeous. But caramel, slightly caramel color. I watched Twister the other night. Yes, you had the kids watching Twister. Yeah. And there was a golden retriever and that

and I was just like, that little gorgeous. gorgeous dog but if we do get one you're just gonna have to brush it every day and I want a girl I've already decided what we're gonna call her

I don't know but just another Shakira another little reality check for everyone that dog from Twister is now dead oh my God

yeah because the film's 30 year old 30 years old can you believe that can you believe that film is 30 years old I think the main guy he's dead as well Bill 9 God love him

love him I don't think he's called Bill Nye. Is he not? I think that's the science guy Bill Nye. The guy you're talking about, but he's in he was in true lies, he's amazing in true lies. He's in big love that I'm watching. Hang on. Yeah, and he was in

aliens, the second alien film. Great actor. Who's in it? He's amazing and true lies. Hang on. We'll find out his name. Oh, not 2026, idiot. What year was it out? Don't know. It was the first, it was telling you. It was 1996.

It was the first movie released on DVD. Could vomit. Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton. Sorry. Absolutely. And do you know, it was crazy. Everyone's face has moved.

Helen Hunt. All the expressions. Lines on the forehead? Mad. Disgusting. Madness. Could have vomited. Vile.

Could have vomited. Absolutely vile. I was like, I can see every expression. I want to say expressions on actors faces. I mean, dis-discusting. Could you see them smiling? Awful. Horrible.

Real teeth. Propa teeth. No. Pryl. Get it in the bin. Vile. Get it in the bin. Vile. Get all copies of twister on.

DVD, first-ever DVD in the bin. Disgusted, I'm not watching that. Babadoo, Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, ba. This episode is sponsored by TV licensing. A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels plus everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tv.com.com.com. Rosie. Yes. So many things on TV coming up.

I know. There always isn't autumn. Autumn really ramps up on the TV side of things. I think we're going to be back in the house. You're going to be sitting down early nights, dark nights. you're going to be watching a load of cracking stuff, what you're looking forward to? So I'm looking forward to Rupol's Drag Race UK.

I'm a series behind, sadly, right? So I'm going to binge watch the last series and then this series started on the 3rd of September. So I feel like I'm just going to have... That's my night's plan. Absolute powerhouse of a show. It's been going forever that. It's so good, yeah, it's really good.

Obviously, I've seen all of the American ones and the UK ones are just as good. And actually, like, a lot more relatable as well. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Close at home. Close at a home. Obviously huge this autumn, strictly come dancing.

Obviously huge every single year, but we've got brand new presenters this year. We've got my mate Josh Whittickham. We've got Emma Willis. And we've got the wonderful ex-professional dancer on the show, Johannes. Yeah, I love Johannes. Oh my God, when I did the show myself, Johannes, just whenever you saw him, it was just like, he just made us feel amazing. I did sewing be with him.

Yes. Yeah, he's a really magical man. Lovely presents. Just a lovely presence, that brown. So yeah, complete. switch up. Let's see what it's like, eh? Yeah.

I think there's going to be a lot of people watching. Oh, everyone's going to tune in and say what's going on. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to seeing how it goes on. And obviously, it's tough for me to watch because I found it so difficult. Just when I hear the dancing, whatever, or hear the tune. I thought I were going to say it. I think we're going to see it's going to be tough for me to watch because I really wanted that game. No, it's tough for me to watch.

But we know this, because I found strictly so difficult. I know you. I literally, I hear the, duh, do, do, do. And I get, like, nervous because it was just, but, yeah, I mean, I mean, it's just, again, it's just a powerhouse of British television. It's a great Saturday night program. I love having on. Family friendly.

Can be on, in the background while you're catching up with your mates or, you know, the kids can be there while it's on. It's a lot of the kids. You can watch it with your mates and a cheap little glass of wine. It's fantastic. Oh, there's loads of new dancers as well. Exactly. But it's going to be a new show.

Obviously, bake off back on my screens as well. Come on. Big news in bake off. What? Nigella. Nigella. Oh my gosh. I completely forgot about that.

Yeah, man. Ooh, okay. Oh, look at these programs shaking it up. They really have, haven't there? I think Nigella will be a really good, Judge. And from when I used to watch Nigella back in the day, she loves a bit of cake. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? If you're watching this on YouTube, I'll just lean slightly out of the way of there. You can just see, just behind a Zake. Oh, God. Just see me Starbeaker. Wow, wow. Starbaker. Not about you, Chris.

Yeah, not about you. I try and make everything about me if I can. Of course you do. What else you've got coming up? It's called cruising. paradise above and below deck it's on e4 it started on the 30th of july and it's 10 episodes running through d'all october it's just something that i know that i will love yeah it's a documentary about a cruise ship and it shows the kind of behind the scenes with a lot of the entertainment

staff which i know so many people have worked on cruise ships and i know how stressful it is and also i used to work abroad in roads and hotels and i know all about it and i just love seeing the behind the scenes of cruises they're fascinating i've never been on one but i find them fascinating Obviously, they are the forbidden fruit for you because you couldn't get a job of the cruise ship because you weren't tall enough of you. I wasn't tall enough of the costumes. I would have been, I would have,

they'd have been so much more relatable. But yeah, so it shows and it follows a couple of the travellers, some young, some old, some first timers, some who've been there lots of times. And I just love stuff like that. And E4 always do it really well. Channel 4 as a whole do those kind of documentaries. Bellissimo.

And listen, it's not all light, light, hard entertainment. ITV have the Rainmaker, which is illegal. thriller. We love a courtroom. We love a courtroom drama. It's a legal thriller. It's corruption. It's all kinds going on. We've got that ready to look. It can't all be shiny floors

and excitement and baking cakes and dancing. It has to be a bit gritty in there as well. We need the drama. So we've got Structy on the BBC. We've got Big Off on Channel 4. We've got Rupon Paradise on E4 and we've got ITV, the Rainmaker. Nice. Ooh. Bit of everything there. Absolutely sown up your autumn there for you. Enjoy. And remember, a TV license covers you to watch

over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.cour.ukau-cour-U-Bad-Bad-Bad-DU-Bad-Bad-Bad-Dub. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com. So I've accidentally came up with a new set. that I've said a couple of times. I just did a little tiny bit of it there,

but do you want another dead quick installment of do you want to feel old? Oh, God, do I don't know if I do? I think you do. Do I? Yeah. Okay. Do you want to feel old?

Yeah. So now and then, so I follow like 90s nostalgia and 80s nostalgia things on the show like, you know, you know, Mighty Max or Polly Pocket or different toys. And then because it knows, the algorithm, knows I like stuff like it then shows us things like there's this theme there's this trend if it's it'll say um we grew up here and it'll be a photo of one of the maps from the early call of duty games it'll be like most of us grew up here and it's like oh it's like one of the

first maps that you played online and you play it on call of duty so you know the place kind of thing I saw on this morning we grew up here mm-hmm it was the Port Patrol Tower oh right no how old how old is oh god No, we've got that. We've still got it. Still going, by the way. By the way, it's fucking best toy you ever buy.

Listen, listen. Have you ever changed the batteries in that? No. Neither of our. I think... Is it bugged? I think Ryder is actually living in there. The actual guy who plays Ryder,

I think he's inside of it. You literally... Every time I go and moving away, the lift falls down and he goes, to the port patrol, to the tower. I have never changed the batteries in that. And if you haven't...

I doubt me mamas. I'll have to ask her. There's no fucking chance your mum's changed the box. No, there's no way. Guys, if the Port Patrol Tower was still for sale It's the greatest toy in the world Unreal. But yeah.

What? We grew up literally. So there are people online now who are nostalgically looking back at their childhood and going, oh, poor patrol was my childhood. Hang on, we bought that for Robin and he must have been about one. Yeah, it was like one of his first main toys.

Ours is like nine years old. That's a bit silly. That's still not. Yeah, but if they're like 18. Yeah, it might have been out well before that. There's people online now Nostalgically looking back at Paul Patrol

And I looked at it So I was going through Just on Instagram this morning And I saw it And I put my phone down And I went The internet's not for me anymore Yeah

Wrave's not that bothered about Port Patrol No he was never aroused was he No Very different kids actually Robin loved all that He loved like Barbetrol

And he loved Gojetters Phaeters Pee, all that kind of stuff Rief's like Disney kid Yeah He loves his Muppets

And all his songs And Muppets Love Sesame Street loves like loves Mickey Mouse Like actually loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and all that I'm like Ray

Not sure I mean though Well He's like Mickey and Minnie I'm like He's you Robin's me And Rief's you And specifically is you

You saw first hand The thing I mentioned the other day When I'm brushing his teeth You saw that first hand the day Oh yeah When he's you for smells We all know your catchphrase is The Bin Stinks

And you smell it's so upset and brushing his teeth. Did you see him? Yeah, yeah, I know. It's rude as out, but he's got no idea. Do you know,

the audacity the other day because he sits at the, he has his dinner and that at the table, and he's got like, he's proper chair that he sits in. Nobody else can sit in it. Yeah, that's his chair.

He's so spoiled. Do you know the other day? He was like, mom, this is so crummy this chair. I was like, it's your fucking crumbs? Privileged little shit. He's literally like this.

Like, this is. Oh, so cruel. My chair has not been cleaned. Wow. The audace. Do you know what was amazing in a day? So do you know how he, I actually fully impressed him. He was buzzing with his for about five minutes.

So he watches Muppets and Muppet babies. And obviously Fuzzy, Fuzzy tells jokes. And then he goes, Waka, waka, waka. I told him I was going on two hours, going to work. And he asked us what I did for work. And I said, I was a comedian. And he said, what's a comedian? I said, well, I'll go on stage in front of people and I tell jokes.

And he went, oh, like Fuzzy. Oh my God. yes, exactly like Fuzzy. I don't say Waka-a-W-W-W-R at the end of each talk, but yes, like Fuzzy. And he was buzzing. Wow. Because neither of them still really understand anything that we do at all.

Like, wow, okay. It was a lovely moment. Like Fuzzy. Yes, like Fuzzy. But much, much, much better than fucking Fuzzy, son. Waka, Waka, Wicah. Phil. Babadoo, Babadoo, Babadoo, Bab.

So I've got something to tell you. Oh. My friend Jimmy, from Capital. Yeah. Do you know Jimmy? He's the, I think he's like the main. produce them on Capitol breakfast. Oki-dokey.

But I worked with him when I was a capital in North East. Oh yeah, yeah. He sent me a pitch yesterday. Yes. Do you know the leaderboard of the dad jokes?

Oh, don't. The one that I won. I might have I been knocked off? No, you're still at number one. Shut up, man. So they've made a proper leaderboard. You're number one with 12. John Bish is 2, he's got 10

and Josh Whitickam's 10, so they're drawn. But he said he's got Jack Whitehall coming in today or this week. Ah. So you might get knocked off. Nah, Jack's got no fucking chance. I'm not having that.

Dad jokes, do you not think? Nah, Jack's got no chance. Okay. Like, Jack, you know, I love you, but I think dad jokes are very much a working class thing. You went to boarding school. You never know, though. You never know, but I'm fully invested,

so I'll keep you, I'll keep you updated. What's it called again? The punch line. Punch line of duty? Fantastic. Wow. Fantastic. Guys, you're doing the gods work over there.

Big up radio, though. Like, big up. Every morning. Crack a dawn. Such a hard job. dead positive, knocking it out, making people feel better. Yeah, I don't know how they do it. Squeezing it in that little show.

Honestly, big up radio. Yeah. Big up radio, big up podcasts. Like, do you know what I mean? Bicking yourself up there? No, bigging up all the other podcasts that I listen to because I just think that, I just think it's awesome. Yeah.

I just think I love like that the form of conversation is just back in fashion. I know what you mean, yeah. Don't know what you mean. Music's never going anywhere. Yeah, no, I get what you mean, though, because with everyone watching five second clips on the internet nonstop and just being like,

that's their attention or it's gone, post every day, or the algorithm will kill you. The fact that people listen to like full-on long-form chat is pretty cool. I listen to an audiobook the other day. I don't listen to that shit, but yeah. No, I love it. I mean, I'm a huge podcast. I'm on my third run through the Alan Partridge audio books.

No, you're not. Oh, I am, yeah. Oh, my God. How'd you do that? Because it's fucking amazing. You miss jokes the first time round. You miss them. And then they come back in.

It's so good. Cabe do, babadoo, babo, babo. It's time for what's your bee. What's your bee? Oh, she's shadowboxing. Well, she's doing her version of shadow boxing. Whatever that was. Okay, I haven't been here.

So the fact that you would even dare to have a beef with me... This is backlogged. Oh, hang on. Okay, then. Okay, then. No, this is from yesterday as well. Oh, shit. Well...

I came back in midday. I was back half the day. Oh, you're a dick when you come home. You're such a dick. So this is the beef. You've started the beef. Okay. Well, no, actually, that was just a general passing thing.

You're such a dick when you come back. You're just in a shitty, shitty little mood and you're just eye-rolling shit and it's just infuriating. No, do you really pisses me off? I didn't eye roll last night. Sorry, you claim that I eye-rolled last night. You're off full of shit.

You claim that I rolled last night. Okay, all right. Explain the situation. And you're going to be done. I discovered yesterday that the porridge sachets were going out of a date in a couple of days. So we said, leave them on the bench. We'll see if Robin will have one at night.

Robin came in, asking for you supper. and I've been through this a million times with him you go, what do you want? And he goes, eh, ha, ha, okay. And then you went to him to want some porridge. And he went, yeah, I'll have some porridge. And you looked at me and you went, will you make the porridge? And I looked at you as if to go, just wait one second.

And then he went, actually, I don't want porridge. And I nodded. And you were like, you are eye rolling because I asked you to mate the porridge. I wasn't. It's a piece of piss. I knew who was going to change his fucking mind. And then what did he say?

He said, I don't want anything. Yeah. Because you couldn't pick a cereal. So then what did I do? Made him some cereal. I made him a bowl of cornflict. And what did he do? He said, thank you.

Yeah. And what would he have done with the porridge? What do you mean? He'd have done exactly the same thing. If you'd done porridge, you'd have ate the porridge. Yeah. Fair enough.

So, I'm right, you're wrong. It's more effort than cereal, isn't it? Shut the fuck up. That's not your beef. There's another, okay, come on then. No, that is me beef. I'll do that one. Is it really?

I'll keep the rest. I'll keep some in there. I mean... Keep some in the fucking barrel, are you? This is a backlog. doing. Shut the utility room door. Shut the door.

I dry all the clothes in the utility. All the clean clothes and all the clean sheets are in the utility room until I take them upstairs or whatever, right? When the kitchen is right next to the utility room, when you're cooking something, you just leave the door wide open, then all the, all the, all the, all the clothes, sting of food. Have you considered not cooking smelly stuff? Have you considered just shutting the door? Why can't you just shut the door? Before I cook anything, I'll make sure that door shut. Okay.

You're just frying a couple of eggs. Just, oh, yeah, get in. All the nice, all the bins, fucking go to school, smelling like fucking eggs. Like, shut the, shut the door. I don't know, I might as well not use it. Honestly, I'll just start washing them in water and I'll not use any fabrics off.

Get it on a rinse. Save a fortune. Just hide them on her fucking rinse. Wash them in egg water. There will go. Eco-friendly. Wash them in the water that you've boiled eggs in. I hate you.

You're not got to be for me. Of course I fucking have. Oh, come on. My beef with you. By the way, are we having a drink the night? Yeah, we might as well. My beef with you is thusly. So since we started working together, you started basically saying every time I, in any

works at a scenario, if I get like slightly perturbed, slightly cross or if I have to, you know, I don't know, you just basically say, Chris, you represent us both now. Best behaviour, you represent us both now. So anything I say, it's like, pack my in now, don't be a dick, because you represent both of us now, Chris. I'm more professional than you. Okay. Okay.

Oh, what have I done? Okay. Remember that. So last week in the podcast studio that we record, please get me anonymous in. Girl who does our socials, Kiara, came back in from a run to the shops, and she came back in,

and she had some sweet treats. And you opened one of the bags of sweet treats and you took a cookie out and you bit the cookie. You obviously liked the cookie, but you showed her and everyone that you liked the cookie by holding it into her face and saying, and I quote, What the fuck is this?

Cards on the table. At first, she did get a little bit of shock. Okay. Oh, God. What the fuck is this? I meant it in a really good way because it's one of the best cookies I've ever had in your entire. Unbelievably aggressive.

Like, where was it from? Form a jays, I think. Unbelievable aggressive. Double chocolate. Well, okay. Do you know what? I thought you were going to say. What?

The other thing that I said that you couldn't believe I said. What was that again? Well, I talked about widens. Women getting wide on. And then someone was like, does your vagina actually get bigger? Right. And Kiara's got a girlfriend. So I said, Keara, does the vagina get bigger?

Oh yeah, that as well. Sorry, that was the most impregional thing that I said that. Can I go back? Can I go back into you asked her that. You literally asked a person we work with. That's a fucking HR. That's an HR meeting that. Imagine how that's that.

I know. I probably, Kiara, I'm really sorry. She did laugh and she... I'm not telling you what she said. I mean, she's heard so much of this now. She's fully understand the way your brain works. She's seen them up close, more than me. Okay.

Stop, stop. Big shout of Kiara. And all the team, because we've got... We've got a lush team. I love them. days in London. I do. It's absolutely class. So good. So much fun. And we've made... Like, it's took away a long time and I feel like

we've actually just like... Yeah. We're sorted, aren't we? And to be fair, we did an absolute hellish collection of interviews. Please give you none of them. We did like five in two days, which are coming out in the next few weeks, you're going to love them, guys. Can we just take a minute to, like,

we're getting really mint, people? Crazy. Like... Shake, handshake. Big names. Really exciting. Guys. Really good. Thank you. And thank you. And thank you. for everyone for listening. Because obviously, obviously the listens, I don't know,

but our people tell their people who, like how many people are listening for them to come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm assuming it's doing well. It must be you lot listening because otherwise they wouldn't bother. Thank you.

Our people. Get your people to talk to my people. We have got people now. Yeah, but I don't like them talk to people though. I know. Talk about Wydons and that. Can I trust them.

Oh, God. I know. Listen, we need to be more professional. I didn't do we! Okay. No, it's hard to be professional, though, when you're in like a joky mood. Jokey atmosphere, but then you're right. I shouldn't be asking our staff about our girlfriend's wide on.

No, definitely not. Definitely not repeating it now on here as well, but there it is. Wow. You live and learn. I'm learning a lesson. I won't again. You will. I know.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo baboo baboo baboo baboo bao baboo bao babu ba. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, just had a drink of a canned water and it tastes like veg. Vegetables Oh that's good Get your five a day in you It reminds us of school

You know when you did cooking at school Yeah I remember When I was at school When they used to come around with the milk Which I don't think they do anymore No they do They come on with the milk

I mean our kids still like Yeah There's still milk happens I remember me mate You don't do any school admin at all do you No Do you get none of them emails Do they go to school?

Just it just wild. Just wild? Right, rewind. No, no, no, no, no. You don't even know what your kids are getting at school. Rewind this podcast. You just said, we've got a great groove, we've got our own little jobs. That's not on my, it's not on my, dot it. It's not, it's not, it's not my job, right? Okay. But I feel like I'd do quite, I do your job as well, though sometimes. You said, we're in a good groove. You can't go back in it. Because that's disingenuous.

You name a job of yours that I don't do. Um, house admin, insurance. Okay, you say this. This is bullshit because it just comes out every month in a direct debit. You're literally like, I pay the mortgage. Sorry, do you set up a different

bank account every month to pay the mortgage? I tax the vehicles. I insure everything. There's always something needs a new fucking MOT. I got the car serviced. I do all of these things.

I'm just putling away in the background getting them all sorted out. Admin. Fair enough, but just know. If you died, I'd easily take it over. Hose was leaking the other. day, I went out, I got the whole new thing and I put the whole new hose bit back, you didn't even

know it was dripping off the tap, it kept popping off. If I died, the place would flood. Flood. Right. Yeah. Okay. What was the same? If you die, we're downsizing. Great. Well, make sure you take the hose away because it's brand new.

I'm good, I mean, the kids are just going to live in one room because I can't be honest. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick of tidying, I'm sick of picking up. Shit. You're like Charlie and the chocolate fat really all be in one bed, just eating. Honestly. Keeping the rappers.

I don't mean to sound like such a privileged fucking bitch because all my life I just wanted to live in a big house and you go, oh my God, I watch Real Housewives. Now we have a big house and we're, you know, it's lush and I'm so proud of it. But holy shit. I like, I don't. I'm constantly picking up shit and taking it from room to room and I'm sick.

All of the shit would just be in a small. It just is what it is. It is what it is. It is. It is. Yeah, you're a dick. Listen, you're the biggest dick. You're the biggest dick.

Why am I in a bad mood? I'm not even Joan. Is it me being bad? Listen, let's tell you about how good my golf was while I was away. No! I'll rather die. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public, public.

Got some good ones. As always, if you want to get touch at Shagmary atnaudit, gmail.com and the phone number, I can't be asked to reach from your phone. It's on the podcast app. Wow. Come on, man. Stick on your ass. Okay, these are, so we're sticking with the new feature.

Not for everything. but I've definitely had some stuff sent in. What's the feature called again? Stuff that you see that you heard of the people see that you still see that you don't know what you see. In your relationship, right now see. Yeah. Yeah.

I think we should call it something like like catchphrases from strangers or something. Okay, let's brainstorm it now. No, just dead quickly. I'll come to the table next week with, I'll give you ten options. You won't? How much? A hundred pound.

Yeah, good. Bring your fucking cash, bitch. I will. Maybe I'll transfer it in. No, no. It's got to be, I want it in five us. So it feels like I've got loads. Ready? Yeah.

I was just listening to this week's podcast, and you were talking about things that you repeat to each other about 14 years ago. Me and my husband took my wee girl to a cafe, and the lady came over to take an order, and she said, Bolognais for the child. And we just, every time we have Bolognais, that's what we say. Obviously, I don't think it was as bad as that

when she said it, but to us it just 14 years on it sounds like someone from the witches. That's fucking fantastic. Balinese for the child! Bolognais for the child! You know that you didn't even say it like that. You know it was just balinese for the child

and it's just gone. They've just, every time they said it, It's gone more ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. I love it. This is my favorite segment that we've had for a long time.

Holidays. Mononies, fun to cheer. Fantastic. Fucking fantastic. I love stuff like that. We used to do that as kids, you know, because on the Goonies,

and I only realized that was where it was from because we used to say it, and I didn't know why we said it. But every time we went on holiday, we'd be like, adios de seniorita. Like just all the time. And it was Mouth when I watched it recently.

I was like, it's off Goonies. Did you see, again, in the vein of 90s films, we watched Goonies again. I'll talk about 90s films forever. Did you watch, did you see the bit where the man's telling Mouth, who is Corey Feldman to translate to the cleaner about what they're doing about packing up? And he's talking about sex trafficking and drug cartels and that? And she's like, shit in her pants.

It's insane. It never had the subtitles when we were kids. It never had the subtitles. I had no idea. And then, and you know, and you're like, why is she freaking out? Yeah. Yeah, I had no idea.

Or we just didn't read them. No, I don't think, honestly, swear to God, I don't think there was ever subtitles. Oh yeah, maybe he's literally like, this is where she keeps all her sex toys. This is where we keep all the cocaine. And she's freaking out.

She's like, what? Yeah, she's like, oh, they're crazy. Yeah. It's madness. It's absolute madness. It just goes to show, right, that literally kids, it's just.

Just goes over your head. That's why we should probably not worry too much about the kids watching them because it just goes over their head. I know. Well, we watched Twister the other night. And because I took a stance, right, because I'm sick of watching kids shit. And you were out.

It was Friday, no, Saturday night, I was like, I'm going to have a little half bottle of wine. I was with Phil. You were with your film? I was with Phil. I was with Phil in store. I decided I was going to have a little half bottle of wine and I was like, you know what it is?

They can stay up a bit later, but I'm watching a 90s film. I'm not watching some, I'm not watching shit. shit, right? I think kids' films now, I think I've said this before, they're exhausting.

There's something about the way they do it to keep them, to get them in with YouTube generation. There's no standard narrative structure. They just pull, the inciting incident happens, obviously bring me media head here, the incite and incident happens

instantaneously. Yeah. Instantaneously. There's no, you don't know what, it's horrible, it's exhausting to watch. But just to let you all know, Twister isn't actually scary. The reason, it's just like tornadoes.

It wasn't scary. The reason it's a 12 is because of the swearing. Right. And I didn't realize how much swearing there was from right at the beginning. And Rave was watching it. And I was like, oh my God. But then he fell asleep halfway through.

Anyway. And he actually said the next day, come to watch that, come and finish that film. I was like, come on, come on fuck, piss film again. No, it wasn't fuck, fuck, fuck piss.

It was, son of a bitch, right? But I kept saying to Rave, I went, Rave, these are really horrible words. I went, you don't repeat them. And he's literally like,

what, he didn't, he didn't know what words were bad. Brilliant. So if he does start saying son of a bitch at school, great. I am genuinely really sorry and I won't let him watch any more films like that great good stuff nice and old

nice and no it turns into lawless fucking wasteland when I'm away fantastic honestly I just wanted a glass of wine and I'll tell you what it was absolutely class it was a lot had a lush night so but look you gotta do it you gotta do when I'm away working I get it

so in the vein of the new segment I've got a couple that me I just set a call I was like what are they we're sitting in the van obviously am I gonna get wrong for letting him watch a 12? Nah. You're kidding us.

Am I going to get social services at me door? I mean, if social services come because you've let a five-year-old watch Twister, it's a quiet fucking day in social services,

I'll be honest with you. I'm noting it for the divorce. You do not want them kids. So, I mean, this is wild. Yeah, but I'd rather see them go to home than we stay with you and watch all the swearing on the telly. Some people swear on their kids.

So some people are living in a 12. I never sway in front of the kids ever. I heard a child at the skateboard park tell his dad to piss off the other day. How old? Young. Wild. But piss off. Crazy.

Some people, some swearing is just like in houses. It'll happen once Robin's a bit older, I'm sure it will. Maybe when Reeves older. Not yet. Yeah. So, he has a couple. So I set a call. I said, what have we got that we say?

So, are you aware of, um, Carl once worked in a plug factory for the summer. No. No. So, first of all, it's hilarious because all of Carl's friends work on the production line of putting the plugs, putting all the plugs together or whatever,

or packing all the plugs. Was this at, like Simon'side? Yeah, somewhere, somewhere near here. Oh my God, I was desperate for a job at one of them factories. There's a bacon factory there as well, I think. Right.

So it's either Simon'side or Team Valley or something like that. Yeah, so a lot of the lads got a summer job, putting all the stuff together. And Carl caught on late, and he was like, oh, we've got a two-week contract, not for the full summer. And he was like, all right, no, I'll have that. It wasn't on the production line.

He was covering the caretaker, the janitor for two weeks. Because the janitor was going to every summer. He went to Blackpool for two weeks. So he went to Blackpool and Carl was covering him. Two weeks in the box. Oh, fucking party. I'm in Blackpool soon. Tickets available on my website.

And he was cleaning. in like toilets and getting like shit splashing back on his face and stuff like that. And he says he was in the cafe one day and they did like baking sandwiches, sausage, sandwiches stuff like that. And the woman at the desk at the counter shouted over to a bloke who was sitting reading his paper. And it's obviously worked there for so long that they're just on shorthand and they didn't realize how hilarious it was.

So she was asking him on his sandwich, is he just having it playing or is he having any sauces? but what she actually said was what's on your sausage, just sausage and he went, aye so we will regularly say when ordering something when ordering something if you don't want anything else on it

if you want to play and say what's on your sausage, just sausage, aye so we say that all the time babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bah I've got like a public apology not public apology no I was watching the Great North Run the other day well done everyone by the way bloody fantastic Yes.

Hot one. Hot one. Joe McHaldry did it in under two hours. Oh, he's a machine. Fucking animal. He's a machine. My mate's a machine. Like, I was at Toby Carverie watching my friends on the app.

Why am I over wage? Why can't I? Why can't I shift? A pound. Everyone else is doing it going offroon you're at the Toby Carvery. Watching them on your app. Fucking Yorkshire putting you. they're doing well they're doing so well oh god yeah more gravy please so I was having me

carving and I thought I had ages yeah because they were like miles literally miles away and then I kept refreshing the happen not god whippets a couple of whippets but um me apology is yeah to the lady who stopped running to come and chat to us but I was currently my friend who I'd gone to see was coming round the roundabout right and I was videoing right and she was like hi and I I was like, I'm sorry. I was like, I'm filming for my friend. So I can put it on my WhatsApp group because we're all logged out like all the way along.

Right. And I just felt really rude and I didn't and I'm really sorry that I didn't really speak to you. So she stopped at the run. She was doing the run. She stopped the run and taught you. Yeah, for like for about three minutes. And I felt really terrible.

But when you're looking for somebody running, if you take you, like she would have went past. A lot of people coming. I get it, I get it. She would have went past. It was heaving. So I literally was like, I can't even.

even turn around and speak to you. I just felt dreadful and she just stood and waited and I was like, I can't talk to you. And somebody else hugged us, which was very lovely, but also fucking disgusting.

Well, I felt like, because you were covered in fucking gravy and meat. Well, that'll be bad. No, she was listening to the podcast. She was literally listening to the podcast. No way. So she came and ran over and she was like,

Rosie Ramit. And then she went, I could do! And I was like, what? And she gives a hug. But bless her, it was absolutely lush.

But I was very aware that she had, ran 11 miles by this point and I had not ran. How were you filming? How could you hold a phone when you had a Yorkshire pudding each hand? I don't understand. I didn't even get the Yorkshire pudding. I don't even get the Yorkshire puddons when I go.

I got a plate of, I got pork and veg and three roasties. This isn't even my plate! What's that? It's housewife's reference. Oh God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hey lovely Ramses, hope you're all well. We are wonderful, thank you.

Um, blah, blah, blah, bah. Forgive me for being a bit behind on the podcast, but I was listening in episode 32. How many... Jesus, fucking hell. Holy shit. I don't know what we've done. I don't know what we've done anymore,

so I don't know. Infinity. Infinity and one, I think. You mentioned kids who used to rock up to school with no school bag and wondered where they kept all their stuff. Yes. So I had to email you.

My husband was one of those kids. Cool, dude. What a guy. Do you think? Yeah. I'm guessing big inside pocket in a puffer jacket, but carry on. Okay.

he said he never had a bag and carried his pen in his pocket. Ledge. Oh, just so cool. I know. Just, but I probably would have fancied him. Oh, you know. I definitely love. I like the less put together, lads, if I'm honest with you.

Yeah. Side note, Carl Hutchinson used to have two bags. Yeah. Yeah, no. I'm all right, thanks. Honestly. Two bags, one for his books, one for his PE kit. Oh, God.

God, love him. Head boy in both schools he went to. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Holly, who I used to go to school with, who got head girl over me. Her daughter has now head girl.

What the fuck? That's incredible, that's fucking neat bo. NEPO. Yeah, that's been fucking... I thrilled at her. Yeah, congratulations. Wow. No, I'm genuinely well done.

That's what an achievement. Do you think that happens often? Do you think if you're a head boy or head girl, your kids are? Possibly. Do you reckon she's actually said, oh, you fucking make sure you aim for that head girl? Maybe, yeah. Aim for it.

She was bribing someone Definitely, I No, she was actually a mint head girl She did very well But I really wanted head girl What do you mean she was a mint head girl What did you do? I actually don't know

But she was dead sweet I don't know I really want to be head girl I know I've talked about this before Fucking gutted We got nothing No

But I was prefect I was first prefect My family And possibly still I might still be The reigning prefect I don't think there's been one since I thought

Some of Nina's kids were prefects I'll have to find out you want to find out will you you're going to stick your head in the sand and still live in a world of your creation was Jacob of Prefect? Probably Maybe I'll find out no I genuinely think it's me bullshit

I'm bringing everyone this afternoon to find out Find out yeah okay listen So he's cool as fuck He kept his pen and he's pocket All right sexy When I asked him where he kept his books He said

This is awful Oh right. Don't tells he stashed them somewhere. Don't. He stashed them literally under a nearby hedge and would collect the ones

he needed each day. That's like a drug dealer. Horrible, isn't it? What if it was raining? Well, I don't know. I don't know. That's, sorry, just put a bag on. What are you doing?

I've gone off him. I would have fan I would have fan. I would have fan. I'd be like, where's your books? He'd be like, I go, yeah. I went through a phase of not

having a bag, right? Why? But I thought it was really cool to not carry a bag. God, I loved a bag. I was friends with the older kids and a lot of the older kids didn't have them, right?

I remember one of them, you had, can remember a fire trap? Yeah. One of them had a big fire trap, uh, uh, court. Yeah. And he's inside pocket.

The bottom was gone on the inside pocket so we could just literally pose and they just went into his coat. Just around the end. Oh, God. Yeah, like so we could just put them in his coat. Uh-huh. Um, but I had like this Nike,

like sort of winder and I think but it had a toggle on the bottom so you could tighten it and then fold it under and I could put the put them inside my jacket and because the bottom of the coat was folded under like my homework diary and that would just sit in there so on some days I could go in without and I'll be like just want on

and I've got about it's cool as fuck don't care so you look cool you look like you don't have your stuff but you've got your stuff and you care so much that you would never have relaxed no I remember one time on the way home from school I uh I was doing a history project and I got home and all of the pages of my history project that fell out of my jacket and I went back to the school and I was like panicking and I asked the teacher

if I could have a textbook and she said yes but the teacher she was with the male teacher who was a dick he said no don't let him take it she said no then I started crying and then she let us have one anyway and then I walked back home and I retraced my steps and I found them all anyway all the papers outside the Rosencrowm on Prince of Blood Road Jesus Christ they're going to make it into a movie I think

I'm selling the right to selling the rights to that. What a day. I know Stephen Spielberg did the Richard Osmond books. If Spielberg's listening, if you want to direct that. What was the project about?

I want to say maybe Romans or something. Oh God. Yeah. Fuck knows. Why did we go to school? What is a crock of shit? Great. One absolute crock of shit.

I can't remember anything to what? You can't. Can't remember anything I learned at school. Yeah, a lot of... Honestly, Rosie, we're in the minority here. A lot of people go to school, then go to and use the qualifications of knowledge in their job. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. You are fucking so undeserved and being a prefect. You made me sick. It was just because I was a gobshite. It was just because I was a gobshite.

They put us on the hardest days. They knew I wouldn't let anyone up. Yeah. Yeah. What else was I going to say? And also, all my friends were like prefects, like dead clever, smarty pants. They knew that if they didn't give me a prefect position, and I'd have fucking hit the roof.

No, they knew that if they didn't give you a pre-trap position, you would just fucking stood there with your mate's put now of being prefect anyway. No, I was such a dick at school. I'd have made a badge. I would have made up my own badge. It's the saddest thing. That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

Chris, I was weird at school, right? Me and Catherine Murphy used to do plays in assembly. And when I think back to them now, I'm literally like, how did I not get beat up? Like, we would do plays... Because you were prefect, you had a prefect barge on. Freeze, prefect.

I was in the... I was drama. I was a drama kid. Yeah. Yeah. What were your plays about? Like, sometimes God,

but I remember being a pregnant cleaner in one of them and singing and dancing to children of the night in the school assembly. And I have no idea what I was about. There was probably some really

meaningful message behind it. That would have very much. I don't remember. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there we go. I know. Wild school days,

eh? Right. Actually, yeah? The coolest thing I ever saw in a school assembly was my mate David, who now lives in New Zealand, him and a couple of other lads. I think it was, I don't want to get the rest of their names wrong, but I'm sure I call was on the drums. I'm sure I was, being Kyle was the other guitarist. Anyway, they got up.

You're in a band? They were. I didn't do me. I knew them all. They did teenage dirtbag. Nice. In the school assembly. That's cool.

Even the like, I got two tickets to. Oh. That's nice. it was amazing. I wish I'd done something like that. I was like, you, walking around the school for the rest of the day, I was like, you must be a fucking rock star. That was next to him.

That was my mate. That was my mate doing that. Oh, Chris. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, I've just been listening to the episode about things we repeat that other people said, or whatever the title was that he came up. Listen. Listen, whatever.

It's saying capital. It reminded me of a few me and my wife say. One is that a few years ago we were in Spain with our friends, visiting her mum who had moved out there. The mum arranged for us to meet all her new friends at a restaurant at a restaurant. When we got there, everyone was sat down and someone realised that one of the men

will call him Bob, because I can't remember his real name, wasn't there. So they asked his wife where he was. She replied in a thick Brummy accent, go on Rosie, give it a go. Brumie. How am your bab? Alright, yeah, alright, bab.

Just do you, mate. All right, he couldn't make it that day as he was bleeding from me. the penis. For me. I thought it was going to be a place. He'd bleed it from the penis. As you can imagine, this gets said

every time we can't slash don't want to go somewhere. I'm bleeding from the penis. Right. One, is there any other information? Nothing. Mother. Absolutely nothing. And two.

He bled to death. He bled to death from his penis. Why is she telling people that? Oh God. Before dinner. But listen, long live these people though. I'm sorry, I don't want to live in a world where people don't tell you exactly what. That would have made my life.

Imagine. He's bleeding from the penis. I'm like, sorry? Sorry, what? I'd have passed out. I'd have laughed so much. And I'd have been doing that really disingenuous thing where you're laughing your head off. But going, sorry, by the way.

I'm talking about. I'm so sorry. I'm not, and she'd have been sitting and going, he's actually not very well. He's not very well at all actually, Bob. Jesus Christ. What is bleeding from your penis,

Christopher? Touch wood, it's not happened to me before. No, no. I mean, I hope he went to the doctor. Yeah. Another one we heard is from shortly after my wife and I got married. Being from the Northeast,

I was still adapting to the Essex accent where my wife is from and now where I live. Trailer. I'm joking One day we heard the tail end Of a couple having an argument In a car next to us in the car park

Is the lady got out The man shouted at her Get out, you dirty slag! I feel like this has happened Am I getting deja vu I've had another story similar to this? Something happened to me similar in the village Right, it was you, it wasn't a story

So it was real life I can't remember, but it was like Your Fanny Stinks or something Oh yes Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, well anyway They've had an argument

He's like Thank for you she was going to the pharmacy Thank God So this person's like Get out your time dirty slag I ain't your you ain't my mother

yes I am Is that he stand us Yes Brilliant scene This became our go-to phrase For years Every time one of us got out the car When the other was driving

Beautiful Absolutely beautiful Even going so far as to jokingly say To the kids When we drop them off anyway Wonderful However This massively backfired

On me one day When I was taking My mother-in-law Home With the kids in the back As we pulled up outside Her house My then four-year-old

said at the top of his voice, get out, you dirty slang! And you're all worried about, and you all worried about Twister? I know. I know. It's fine. I'm all right.

I'm okay. All right, okay. Social services, course say these. All right. Q, abject horror from my mother-in-law. To my shame,

I spanned round in my seat and asked where my son had heard the phrase. Oh, you shit bag. Saying he shouldn't repeat it as it wasn't very nice and I assured. had hurt, I'd speak to him that night.

Oh. Sorry, son, but there was no way I was copping the blame for what for that. Absolute shit house. That's so bad. You should have said, look, sorry, that's just a joke would do. Like, he's not, you know, it's, honestly, it's just an in-joke. Wow. You threw him under the fucking bus.

I know. I know. I drove off as fast as I could laughing, leaving my poor son bewildered as to what on earth just happened. Sitting there, that normally gets a laugh. That normally gets a massive laugh. Everyone joins in. what the fuck is going on?

I always would just keep doing it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out you dirty slag. Get out of you, daddy, slag. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Do do do do do do do. Guys, thank you. Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for watching. We're bloody love you. We really, really do. Thank you so much. I'm on to her still. It's on. It's happening. Chris Ramseycombe.com for tickets to that.

Chris, sorry, not Chris Ramsey. Shagmoudenoid at jemail.com. If you would like to say, send in an email and as I move away from the mic because I will reach from me for one, I will tell you that the number, if you want to send a WhatsApp, is a voice note is 07874-4066-5-0. We're bloody love you. Thank you so much for everything you've been sending in and we're back in you as next week. Bye. Have a good week. Bye. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you

can skip an ad? I get it. I'm Siaya and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today, I'm still figuring it out. Somehow, things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.