Sh**ged Married Annoyed - The Great North Run And A Prawn Cocktail Eye Bath

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

On this week’s podcast Chris and Rosie discuss The Great North Run, why Rosie thought Chris was cheating and how she got a crisp based injury! Chris has a new quiz, and the pair start to write the beginnings of a new kid's book. QFTP involve fun in a phone box, a Mummy ick and some very big lacy knickers! Keep sending all your weird and wonderful stories to: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shagmuride in awe. We watched the Great North Run. Oh yeah, we did. And we talk extensively about it. It's a big part of our life and heritage. It is, and we're signing up for next year. Right? No, we're not, we're not.

No, maybe. I'm still at a maybe. I'm absolutely not. We'll see. Rosie plays a quiz for some very exciting prizes. It's awful. I would skip ahead. Yeah, you loved it.

She's got double beef this week. Yes, yes. You're very much getting on my tits. Yep, that's in the job description. You knew what you're married. And Rosie, is nearly hospitalized by a pattern of crisps. Oh, why do the things I love want to hurt us so much, Chris?

Oh, I don't know. It's including you. Great, I don't. I try not do. Just emotionally and mentally. And obviously, we've got questions from the public. Enjoy! Bye!

Hello, you're listening to Shagmuridnaud with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the show. Show, the show. Show. No, I've been listening to a lot of American. American podcast recently

and they don't have an introduction at all and it really freaks us out they just start and it's a half of conversation and honestly I like I skip back I skip forward

because you don't know if it's an ad or you don't know if it I don't like it I don't like that style are we like old school and uncool for having an input I don't care

I don't care I think you've got to keep something sacred in life I think you need some things to be crap so

you pant all like yeah Yeah, you've kind of fell the wrong way that I was saying. Welcome to the show. Like, I think you need stuff like that. I think I like old school. I know what you mean.

Keep it. Yeah. It's fine, it works. I also think you need a bit of know, you need a bit of differentiate between whatever fucking ad we've just done. And us. And us.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a tiny little fly. Tiny little like fruit fly. Orbit in your head, right? Probably thinks it's a little orange. It's grander.

It's grander. It's okay. I tell you what? He picks some odd. things to be. He's proud of us. He's here. There is. He's comfortable to see us at work. Proudier. He's like, get the bloody work. Yeah, good. He's not away of personal space.

For our watches on YouTube, Chris and I, we are not going to a funeral. We've just dressed really dull and depressing and the same. I'm still reeling because yesterday you always tell me to be bolder and always tell me to wear bold colours. It should actually be me beef this week, but it's not. I've got another beef. But yesterday we were going to the Great North Run and I put on me Lilic

jumper with a green logo and then some green shorts that match the lilac jumper and you literally like timmy mallet look like timmy mallet talk about old school you looked it was horrendous you it was a brightest i've ever seen your dress and and we're going to the great north run and i thought you might want to be inconspicuous yeah still yeah right mind yeah tell you what right this is i always hate kind of talking about the fact that people recognize we're and stuff now but it is that's the crap. It's just part of the life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, we are, we've been on the tell we're, we're, people know who we are, which is great because that means people listen to our stuff. Anyway, I was fine, I feel like a dick saying it, right? I don't what you mean.

I tell you what, the power of sunglasses. Yeah? Yesterday, I had my sunglasses on when we're watching the run. No one knew, nobody, a couple of people recognised were right. Right. The minute I took them bad lads off, so many people recognised us and I felt like Clark flipping Kent. Like, I didn't think that sunglasses did that, like, disguise people that much. Well, it wasn't sunny. So it just looked like cherbs. So it was bright.

There's a couple of things. It was brightish, but it wasn't sunny, sunny. So, A, I think they give a bit of a F-off vibe. Do you know what I mean? And also, it's when I lock eyes with someone, they'll go, you're all right? And I go, oh, yeah, you're all right. I'm normally, like, I'm not like, I think it's a voice.

I'm just always in my own little world. So when I'm not locked eyes or someone, I'm like, oh, yeah, hi, yeah, you're right. But when you've got your son. sunglasses on you never lock eyes with anyone so I think it could be that. Okay. Well done to everybody who did the run yesterday by the way. Absolutely class. Love that hit in our at hometown.

I'm still, my mind is still blown by the fact that there was an app and you could track all of the runners coming like Uber's. Yeah, it was mint. It was so bang on as well. It was mental. Yeah. And I was like how, how?

Apparently it's like a little potato chip, a computer chip in their little paper number thing. Yeah. So, it blew me mind. Right. So, because... Because... I think it's only been the past sort of like three or four years that we've known people doing it.

Yeah. I think before that, I never knew anyone doing it. I was just there watching. Does that make sense? Really, I don't think I've ever did. It's become a lot more sort of accessible. A lot of people that are at age. Yeah.

I had like eight people I was tracking. But back in the day, did you just stand there and have to just... Well, you would just be like... Or would you tell the person where you were going to be. You would probably tell them what side of the rule you're going to be, but then you'd probably just have to stand there and think, well, I hope... Yeah, it must have been... You had to stand there all day.

to try and see a relative of her friend. My Kate did it a few years ago and we just had to stand there and wait for her. Awful. And then thankfully she came past. Awful. But yeah. Well done, everyone. I want to do it next year.

Of course you are. I do it every year. Absolutely full of shit. Every year I want to do it. Absolutely full of shit. The thing is, I could get you, I could lock you in. Have we talked about on here about when I went on Chris Evans radio show and him and Steve Kram lock us in?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Or, yeah. I've got something else as well. Yeah. I put a story on my Instagram yesterday and I mentioned the Great North Run in it. And then I read. they message me in 2020 offering us a spot.

Right. And I never saw it. Oh, 2020. The lockdown week. Where you had to just walk out your house, set the app on and keep running until I told you you had done 13 mile in any random fucking direction. Oh, class, that must have been lovely. I was speaking to someone yesterday who said they had to do that.

That's great. That went out on the phone. And he said he had like a route that he ran, which was like a couple of mile. And he just had to run it like fucking eight times. Was it on? Did everyone do it on the same day? Yeah, everyone had to go out and do it at the same time. Just random people running around the street.

Oh, God. It was awful. love to, but I've just, I've never ran further than five miles. I get far too bored. I get so bored. And do you know what I do? Because I'm stupid. I get bored and say I put on the treadmill, say I'm like, oh, I'm going to do a three mile run or something. I haven't done the treadmill for ages because of Jiu-Jitsu. I just do that now. But if I put three mile on the treadmill and I go, oh, it's taking

a while. Oh, if I run faster, I'll be done quicker. And then I'm dying and then I can't even finish. I'm like, and when I'm out, I know for a fact, if I did the Great North run and I was out and someone was like, hey, Chris, go on. I'd be like, yeah. And I'd like, speed up, buzzer-not. There was someone with a fucking drum near us yesterday, banging a drum for ages. Quite a fast pace. If I ran past that drum, I would speed up again. You'd speed up and then you'd be stuck.

Oh, honestly. No, I don't know, we'll see. We'll see. But then I know loads of people who did it yesterday who are in agony today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, horrible. I tell you what as well. Big shout, massive, massive respect to the people who, when the roads were opening,

were still walking and doing it. Oh, yeah. Like, you've done it. I've got so much respect for them. Oh, yeah. going to get the car and they'd open the roads and there's people walking along with the numbers on and I was like, you're fucking legend.

Because it'd be so easy to go, I'll live down there, I'll just fucking off. But they literally did it. I mean, if I did it, there's a lot of people's houses I run past. I'd be like, oh, fucking fuck me. I'm sure you can get medals on eBay. Not because, you know,

someone would be waiting at the other end for us. We'd be doing an interview for me, for my babies, pay news! I'd be like, no, God, no. Oh, yeah, I'm at me. I'm at me, I'm at me, I broke me. I could not think of anything worse than an interview after a 13-mile run. Chris, how was that?

Horrible! Nah, absolutely not. And I know for a fact that my nan I would literally be like, don't you, you sit down. Don't even, don't bother. Don't bother. Don't bother. You look at you.

What do you want? You've done most of it. Bacon, sarnie, please. Oh, God. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Again, obviously, if you did the Great North Run or any kind of run yesterday, congratulations.

If you're just running in general, well bloody done. Go on you. I tell you what. I don't really run anymore. I love walking me. All right. Just shut on everything I said. Walk and then.

No, all right. Run if you want, but it's actually really bad for your knees. Really bad for your knees. Just walk. If you're thinking about getting out of, want to lose some weight... I'm sure that's what people are in agony off the Great North Run this week.

I'm sure they want to hear you saying that now. Just, you know, they're a week out. I'm not... I'll still learn a bit. Bad for your knees. Oh, I wish I'd listen to her. All right, then.

Well, this is just for people who need a little bit of motivation to try and lose some weight. Because I'm not being funny, I've put on five stone with pregnancies and I've managed to lose it. It's really, really hard. Walking, just get out and walk. Just do a 20 minute walk, and it's better than nothing. And then 20 minute, do it, do a half an hour, and then work your way up. And walking is unbelievable for you. If you don't do anything else, just walk.

Well, there we go. Just walk. So, yeah. podcast. I didn't know. Guys. What are we? It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.

And this week's sponsor ties right in with what we've been saying. This week sponsor is asking people, hey, are you not doing the run this year while they're watching the fucking run? Are you stupid? I'm not, honestly, I apologize here, but fifth person who asked us, I lost me, Temptma. Fifth person, Wasters, I lost me, Tepma. He went, he went, he went, oh, right. Right? It was a lad I grew up with. It was the lad who, Andrew, who when I was younger,

who I saw a photo in my house when I was younger. He saw a photo of me as a baby and he said, who was at? And I said it was my brother, but he died. It was a lie. But it was him. But it was you who said that. I thought it was him who said that? No, I said that to him.

So we put, yeah, so he was like. Right. Yeah, he's my friend when I was younger. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I apologise to him? Because I'd totally got that. All right, I've got apologised from as well. You apologize first.

Why were you, no, one day fucked off after a while. I was starting and watching the race for us. He said that. And in my mind, I went, oh, you're fucking really weird because you said that your brother was dead, but it was you. That was me, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said, who's that little boy in the photo when I said, oh, it's my brother, but he died and it wasn't, it was me, I was lying. Right. If we were, why... You're fucking mental. No, I'm not... Yeah, that's what I said.

I thought it was... I didn't know that. It was you who said that. Oh, could this just be another case of you not fucking listening when I say stuff? Apparently so? There is.

Why have I... What's wrong with you? Yeah, it's mad, that, isn't it? Oh, God. Welcome to hell, bitch! But I've married you. I would spend the rest of me like... I was only four-something, man.

It was just a four-year-old lie. Well, yeah, when I was about six or seven, I went horse riding with my sister, and the woman was like, yeah. She was like, have your horse rule before. I was like, yeah, all the time. Literally never had sat on a horse. Could have died.

Yeah, she just let us go off at my own house. So, okay, I lie too. We all lie. We lie to survive. But I need to, we do. Right, okay. I need to apologize. genuinely

apologise to Andrew because he went hey you're not doing it then this year and I went I am I fucking finished though do you not see us I finished

and I ran home I got changed I picked the kids and I ran back down here cause I'm not doing it this year and he looked at us and I was like oh so how are you being

anyway I haven't seen you for years You need to take what is it like to take America to chill them Xanax Xanax

you need to take a Xanax half of Xanax hook it to my veins and you chill the fuck out no do you know what it is you have got the personality

to do that. To do it and then come back. I think everyone, because you went down and watched, I think they're all just like, surely you would do this. Like, you live here. I get too hard.

You get too hard. You can't. Yeah. Short bursts. BJJ, five minute round, break. Five minute round, break. Yeah, you haven't got the

mental stamina to be able to run. That's exactly it. I've got the physical stamina. Possibly. Don't know. We'll never know. But I don't have the mental stamina.

Why don't you just not train at all and just if you can do it? Because I would be literally getting picked up by the bus that closes of roads. I don't think you would. I think you'd be able to do it. I do. I think you're mental.

I think you would do it. I think it's about pacing yourself. I'd need it. But I would, like I say, I'd run past someone who was playing dance music. I'd go, yeah, and I'd sprint for 10 seconds. I would die a bit of taste blood. You're a jammy.

You're a jammy bastard. You would do it in an hour and a half. Probably win the fuck, it'd be fair. Let's be perfectly honest. You'd do it in an hour and you'd be like, you prick. And you know what? I would have trained for it for months. And I'd do it in an hour slower than.

shout out of the people just further up who were handed people beers as well by the way from us. That was incredible. People giving out oranges, it's just love, honestly, South Shields till I die. I love it here. I don't want to make this whole episode about the Great North Run so let's get this all out of here. No, I do. It's sponsored by the Great North Run. First of all,

I don't know if I've mentioned or I saw this before or if it's just something I've said as a joke but I genuinely, when we were standing near the shops watching the run, I genuinely saw a guy walking back through all of the crowds with his big shop with four carrier bags. He looked the most devastated I've ever seen anyone.

And I laughed so much and I don't know if that's something I've thought about in the past or something of accident. So we're all on the pavement. Yeah. And there's this guy just trying to get through. There's people come past on bikes. There's police. There's kids throwing balls.

There's the runners. And he had like four Tesco bags just in his big shopping and he looked like he had no clue that there was a run on that day. But that's silly because if you are from this home, if you're from this town, you know on on Great North Ronderry, you're not leaving. You're not leaving. Really funny. Really funny.

Secondly, I took my son to a club on Saturday, and next door to the club, there was a rugby ground. The rugby ground was full of camper vans and tents, and I said to someone, why is this happening? And he went, oh, it's loads of people doing the run. And I have found my worst idea of a holiday ever. My worst idea of a holiday ever is traveling the length and breadth of the country,

not joking, some guys stopped NASA's directions. wasn't an English accent I'm not sure where he's come from right maybe we've gone a ferry in the car so there's like 60,000 people do it so it's a lot of people yeah my work this is it you ever want to get me the worst present ever

get me a little voucher for a drive for miles in me in a camper van rock up right or in a car sorry rock up pitch me tent up yeah go to a half marathon go and sleep in a tent straight after

yeah it's like I would rather I don't even know I'd rather go to the North Pole naked like I know chance. You've missed out as well. It's the getting at the beginning of the race that gets me. Like, how did you get there?

Just horrible. Anyway, one last thing. This is the last thing about the Great North Run. Sorry. Guys, you don't understand. It's a really big part. It's a huge part of our life. It's massive.

It's class. I used to go out and get pissed on Great North Run day. It was like a big day. Anyway. I've never heard so many people talk about one person who was running yesterday. And I don't know whether it's just like, I think, Tommy Fury. Tommy Fury. Every person I spoke of it was like.

Like, Tommy Furious, he must have gone past 25 times the same spot because I was like, right, well, I'm, where is he? So, right, that's right. Tommy Flip and Furious. So I think, I think the locals in South Shields sometimes forget that it's a genuine televised, huge, it's the biggest half marathon in the world, I think. Is it? I think it's, oh, definitely the UK, but possibly the big, it's like for attendees and

coverage and everything. It's live on the BBC. But people forget that and people tell you, you turn up and people tell you that Tommy Fury just come past like he's just pop into the shop because they're on their street and their house

people normally walk from just where the house is like hey for Tommy Fury just walk past get his big shop in look good at didn't know there's a run on like

I've just seen so many pictures of Tommy Fury apparently that's unit like everyone I said everyone I sported which went Tommy Fury went past big lad like unit look bigger than he is on telly

I went nice one yeah that's what everyone says to me yeah yeah well you're bigger no they say I'm little I'm in real life.

Every single person who says, he, you look, I'm like, yeah, just look massive on the telly. And all the things I did on telly, I just had a baby. So that was, that was great. What you'd be doing since then to lose that?

What? Walking. All me walking. It all comes back. Walking. Hashtag, Longest in the Weather. Yeah. He's shit, I.

We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't set along a jingle. Jingle. So this is the Jingle. We hope you like the jingle Jingle. Babadoo, Babadoo, Babadu, Babadu, Babadu, bagu, bagu do.

Jingo! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello. Now, we've had the summer holidays. Yes. You know, they're all back at school now, thank goodness.

Then I was only back a couple of days and then back again. I've had a really, I've had a really odd weekend. Because our kids went back on Thursday. Yeah. And they were back for two days. Yeah. I got two days of like normal back, like back in the gym, we did work, you know, and then straight away,

they were back again, they were off again for two days. It's like Groundhog Day. The sugar intake has been stressing me out just because it's been the holidays and stuff. And you think, well, it's the holidays and blah, blah, blah. Can we talk about what Robin did yesterday? Can you remember this? I do.

It was one of the weirdest things. Yeah, okay. Well, in his defence, right? Mm-hmm. And I don't know. I always worry saying too much about this. the kids because I want them to have their own lives and stuff like that and you know I'm very I mean it was funny as thought to be fair yeah but what you've got the reason I'm going to say

this first is what you've got to remember is Robin lives in a house with us too yeah we are right listen teachers they don't swear we don't swear around them no we're very you know sensible they don't know like awful they don't hear any of the awful stuff that we're talking about on yeah but we both have very silly personalities yeah and we're at daft and what you're about described is a product of that. So Robin has taken now to drink in cups of tea. Biscuit tea?

So yeah, so I don't know, I can't remember where I got it. I got given it at something I did. I think he's a hamper. It was a hamper, I got given it as a gift. And it's a box of tea bags, but they're basically malt infused, so they taste like someone's just dipped a fuck with biscuits in. Sorry, just really quickly. I looked in Asda and they didn't have them. But if anyone's listening

who works for that company, if you make decaf of this biscuit tea, please can you get in touch? Yes. because he had one once in the afternoon and he didn't sleep all night. And we'll make him them them weak as piss as well, to be fair. But anyway, it's really milky, it's biscuity tea, we'll allow him a bit of sugar in it.

And then yesterday... Sugar cube, because my mate, both sugar cubes. Yeah. Ages ago and they're just in the cupboard. Oh, you, J&S, yeah. So he's sitting and he starts drinking it, and then we look at him, and he's sitting and he's got his hand over his mouth,

and he looks really concerned. And we both go, son, are you okay? if you burn your mouth? And I'm like, I know it's not that hot. I was like, have you burnt your mouth? And you were like, if you burnt in your mouth? And he's going, mm-mm.

And we're like, my God. And then you clicked on and you went, are you eating a sugar cube? And he knew he was rumbled. So to say something to throw you off the scent as he ran out of the room, do want to tell everyone what he shouted? Dad's cheating on you. And there was a moment where I was like,

if she believes this. I did? If she believes this. For a moment. Do you have any idea how many, like, ways of playing that ran out in my head? Because I was like, if I get too defensive here and start shouting, kicking off, it's going to look like I am cheating on you. And if I laugh how long, it's also going to look.

So I had to just stand there, shocked and look and wait from him to go, yeah, I'm eating a sugar cube. No. For a moment, I mean, I knew he's eating a sugar cube. But for a moment, I thought, this is trauma. Can I just tell you right now, if I was cheating on you, he'd be the last one to find out. I wouldn't tell him a fucking thing. I'd tell Rath before I told him. It was so weird.

For a split second though, I genuinely was like, is this how I'm going to find out? Like, please, do you know, I heard this song? Take me to a park that's covered with trees. Tell me on a Sunday, please. There's a whole song which is like somebody, I think it's somebody breaking up with someone. It's like, let me down gently.

God or me. If you ever are cheating on us. and you meet someone else. Do not, please do not get Robin to tell us because that would break me hard. Yeah, no, he's delivering. His delivery's all off. His deliveries all off.

It was not nice. But then it's because he loves humour. Yeah. He loves inappropriate humour. All the stuff that he watches. He's watched Malcolm the middle twice through. Yeah. Twice.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it was, fuck me, it was funny. He just looked. He always has, oh, well, Robin always, he's always been like that. He'll end up, he'll probably be a comedian. I could imagine. I mean, Rafe's funny as well,

but I could imagine Robin having the humour or an actor. You'll do something along their lines. I'll be a YouTuber. What would be the point? What would be the point in going all around the country and jumping on stage in front of people and trying to make an aim for yourself

when you can just do it in your house with a camera? Oh, tell me why you're going on to her? Because I've already got the audience. I'm not starting from scratch. Ruzi, you've got no idea. Don't take away the art of performance from my space. It's gone. It's already gone.

You've got no idea how jealous and angry I was the fact that being a YouTuber in this country just became a thing after I'd already done five or six years of shit house gigs all over the country to no one. I know, but you've got to do them. I was so upset.

You've got to do them to get, you know, you've got to get changed and do your makeup in a toilet before you can appreciate a really nice dressing room at the ITV studios. There it is. What they call again? What?

Babyset, what studios are they? A white sit. Just a TV studio. It's all good. The studios. There it is. Other TV shows are available. That stink, by the way.

They stink though. Which ones? The ones where I have to, the only diva thing that I've ever done when we did our TV show. And I was like, please, can you take those disgusting re-diffusers out my dressing room because I'll want to die. Yeah. A little bit of insider info. If you're ever in a TV studio situation and you think that the special surprise guest on the show might be Rosie Ramsey, but our name isn't on a dressing room door.

if there's an air freshener on the floor outside the death of doom door, that just kicked out at her death in them. On game day, pain can hit hard and fast, like the headache you get when your favorite team and your fantasy team both lose. When pain comes to play, call an audible with Advil plus acetaminophen and get long-lasting dual-action pain relief for up to eight hours.

Tackle your tough pain two ways with Advil plus acetaminopin. Advil, the official pain relief partner of the end. NFL. Ask your pharmacist at this product's rate for you. Always read and follow the label. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Now listen, I'm surprised we haven't done this before. I don't think we've done this before. If we have done this before, I've revamped it, I've made it a bit sexy. Because on the surface, it is extremely boring. However, I've made it a bit sexy.

Okay. We spoke about it very briefly last week. We're going to do it now. It's time for Rosie's UK crossing quiz. Dda, da, da, da, da, da, da. What do you mean? The quiz about UK crossings on roads Oh Jesus Christ Listen, sex it up Don't worry Is this?

Listen, I've got for you See what you're paying for? See what you're playing for? Guys are listening at home He's wrote some stuff On green bits of paper Six vouchers for you here Right

Six you make the tea Vouchers Already do Are these men to be good? No you've got given to me Oh right Yeah Oh my God

These are six vouchers for you to have Okay If you win Don't touch them Only if I win. Do I get all six? Well, I'll tell you. Holy shit, there's never been a prize.

You're not watching. Anyone, anyone not watching this. It's literally just, I thought there were post-it notes when I bought them, but they're not even sticky. They're just coloured bits of paper. I'm well upset.

Guys, I hate to tell you, you're listening. I'll watch the YouTube video for the first time. I watched it like all the way through. Sent it, sent a message to the team. Yeah, I was in the SOPie group text that you sent to the team.

It's actually quite nice to watch. It looks great. It looks great. It looks great. So the six you make the tea vouchers. Right, right. Hold on. The old, just say you make the tea? Yes, you give them to me.

So there couldn't have been different stuff on there? You can pick whatever you want. You just go, you make the tea, Chris. So any time that you're thinking, you know what I can't be asked to make a tea. And then you go, we'll just sort ourselves out is what you normally do. But you go, no, Chris, you hand it. So whatever you were going to make, I have to make. I thought it could have been like, you changed the bed.

No, I thought it could have been jobs. Well, no, it's just you made the tea. Okay, fair. That's fair. Okay. You want me separate ones? No, no, it's fine. Why you shit in all of me game?

Okay. It's low job vouchers when I used to work at the gadget shop. Low job vouchers. Yeah? You got paid in them, didn't you? Did not. Right. So, you are playing for six.

You make the T vouchers, Chris, right? They're in the middle there. Well, no, they're not in the middle yet. So one for each correct answer? Well, they're not in the middle yet. No, so this is how the game works. This is why we never got those Chris shows that we pilot it. There is it.

There is it. Shut up. The pot here is in the middle of the ones you'll be paying for. your first job is to guess if you get the names of all six of the UK crossings correct, all six different types, they go in the pot to play for, okay? Are you ready? I don't really understand, but yes. Well, I'll tell you what, right?

I'll ask you, okay, you got six questions. I just thought I could have won one for each one I got right. Six questions for each one. You get them. Now listen, it's convoluted, it's complicated. You put initial six. Let's just go. Listen, your initial six questions play for each one.

They go in the pot and then you play the game to see if you keep them in the pot or not. When you get one wrong, some comes out of the pot. Okay, right. Okay? Yeah. Right. Name the six types of UK crossing. Pelican crossing.

Bang. Zebra crossing. Bang. The... The... The... I don't know. Oh, my gosh.

No. Is there six? It's not borden well. It's not borden well. The be bad. Nope. How have you not been run over? How do you?

There's only two? There's just a... The zebra crossing and pelican crossing? No, no, no, no, no. The... This is Borden very bad. Right, I don't know. This is boring. You're gonna have to tell us, Chris.

You're right. Are you fucking serious? It looks like, people are screaming at this. Right, I'm sorry. Everyone's screaming the answer. Scream it as loud as you want on your dog walk or whatever you're doing.

You will not get one of these vouchers off me. I don't know any of that crossings. I literally can't believe this. Okay. Zebra crossing. Yeah. Pelican crossing. Yeah.

Fucking. The lion. Wow. I don't know. Right. Wow. This is so. Come on.

Anti-climax. Sorry, everyone. Okay. It was. Zebra. Yeah. Puffin. Pelican, Tukin, Pegasus,

ostrich. No, you've made them up. Where are they? The other six. First question. Tuckin crossing. First question. Which one of those is made up?

There's only five. Which one of those is made up? See them again? Quickly. Zebra puffin. This is horrible. Zebra puffin. Pelican, Tuchin, Pegasus.

Ostrich. Tuchin. You've lost one of yet. You've lost one already. Tugin crossing. Ostrich is the one I made up. Ostrich is the one I made up. Okay.

Describe a zebra crossing. Black and white lines on a road. The Beatles walked over one. Don't need that. The famously. Superfluous information. Black and white lines. Don't need that.

Okay. Okay. You're keeping that one voucher. Great. Can't wait. Okay. Describe a pelican crossing. You press the bowels.

button you wait for the green man you hear the beep in and it's just a plain bit of road. Completely correct and this is something I didn't know. It's called a pedestrian light controlled crossing. Yeah. P-e-de-destrian Le-I

light. Controlled. Pelican. Yeah, right. Describe a puffin crossing. I'm going to take this away now because this is pointless. No, no, no. Keep it there. Okay, puff and crossing.

Describe a puff and crossing. Little clouds. But children, you know when they've got smaller sinks in the toilets? Right. This is the children version of crossing. No, it is a pedestrian user-friendly intelligent crossing equipped with sensors that detect pedestrians. Pedestrians only the light steerhead for traffic longer if pedestrians are still on the crossing. And there's often countdown signals.

I'm going to let you keep that because that was a hard one. Thank you. Tucan crossing. Explain it. A very large bird. I don't know. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. It's for, this is actually really interesting.

Two can. Two can. Right. Bikes and pedestrians. Oh. It's for both. Great. Yeah, there it is.

Pegasus Crossing. Easy. Come on. Come on. Horses. Yes. For horses. You get to keep that voucher.

Yes. Oh, okay. Two bonus questions now. Two bonus questions. Oh, good. Okay. Do I win some of these? No, no.

No. No. Yes. No. No. No. They're gone. They're gone.

Hard game. Listen, you see the 1% club. It's cut throat. This is it. right? What number between 1 and 10 am I thinking of now? Six.

It was 7.84. You are. Oh, God. Listen, last question. Yeah. What's for Tate? Nice. It'll be a jack-bottal-lis with cyanide

for you. Thank you very much. Cyanide. Yeah. Honestly. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba'abadoo. How do you feel after that quiz then? You all right?

Bit rattled. I love a quiz. I'm not going to lie. But usually I like it to be about stuff that are I had to keep it fast-pice because it was actually quite boring subject matter.

Very boring. Very, very boring. There was actually another bonus question that forgot to ask you, would you like to be asked it now? Not really. Do you want us to ask it anyway? Go on.

It's not about crossings. Oh, okay. What is the name of Pinocchio's dad? Bit of it inside jokia, everyone listening. So this is because when we were in Disney in the summer holidays,

Robin saw Pinocchio and the man who made Pinocchio, the old man, I'm sure we all know his name, we're all saying it now. Really loudly, Rosie, you said, oh, there's Pinocchio and Chapati? To which Robin turned around and went, Mom, I think that's bread? And I went, yeah, that's, that's Indian bread. It was, Chippetto? Geppetto.

Chippetto. It was so loud. It was so loud when you shouted it. I know. It was, but Robin was on it immediately. Oh, God, it was great. you straight away, but he didn't know the real name of him. No, because you'd already said it.

You do that quite a lot. You say the wrong one and then you'd just push the real name out of everyone's heads. I thought I was going to die. Chapati. So funny. Do you know what it is? I was really overstimulated all that time. I think I've been carrying Ray for about three years.

I was just done. Speaking of a similar, can you remember yesterday when we're trying to get them out of the corn into the house after we've been to the Great North Road? We just pack this in. You are literally making me sound. Like the worst person on the world. But yes, I do.

So I think what you did was, Rayf was just trying. Christmas had been off us. six six and a half weeks and then we had an extra weekend like you said earlier on i was just i was just done but done i think what happened yesterday was some wires crossed in your head and you accidentally said a thing you would normally say to me but you accidentally nearly said it to our son rath because he was going watch this watch this or whatever and you went oh rafman no one care you just you just tailed off and i caught eyes me and i went ah you were about to tell our four-year-old that

no one cares No. But you didn't. You caught it. I did. I caught it. He didn't hear it. Robin,

Robin heard it and Robin was like, What's funny? What's funny? And you know, and you're like, sometimes Robin, just we laugh together without you. Nothing.

Nothing gets past that kid now. Like, nothing gets past that. That's why he's giving it the dad's having it. Exactly. And, uh, yeah. Wish I was. Feel free.

I can't be asked. Babadoo, Babadoo, babadoo, babo. It's time for what's your be. What's your be? Beef, beef, beef. Ladies first? I've got a few.

Wow. You've had a bad week. You've had a really bad week. From the compliment last week to the, to you've really gone. Hey, listen, you've got to take the rest of the smooth. I hope you're all that last is happy with you because you're in your bad books.

Great. Okay, at the minute, can I do too? Yes. Right. Because one's from today. One, so, right, okay. A little bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, First world problems, apologies,

because Chris and I have a car reach. I know we live in a world where I'm very aware that not everyone is able to have a car reach, so I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn. But Chris has decided to put his car in the garage. Waxed and washed. Yep, waxed, washed, cleaners out, fully charged in the garage.

How long has been in the garage for? A couple of weeks. It's been at least a fortnight. So Chris has just proceeded. to just drive my car everywhere which often leaves me without a car. Well, listen. It's fucking insane.

I... No. I admit it the other day that I was wrong and I will get it back out of the garage. Can we agree that it's ridiculous? Yes. I tell you what the problem is, I apologise. I'm always in a hurry. I'm always in a hurry so I don't have time to open the garage and get it out of the garage. And that sounds ridiculous. But you know me.

I am like, when I'm going to... to something, I get there bang on time or two minutes late. I'm never, I'm never sitting around. Yeah, I'm never sitting around waiting for Stoff. It kills us. I can't bear it. So I get there right on time or like slightly late. So I'm always like, I'm always going to Robin.

Quick, wouldn't you leave now? Wouldn't you leave now? It's very not, it's not really, what's the word, conducive to family life? Because you leave everything to last minute and then I will get out. I apologize. I'll get out of the garage.

I apologize. It's just, um, However, it's, no, no, there is no, I'm sorry, the wax that I used. No, we've got a car reach, right? So stop driving my car and get your stupid car out the garage and stop driving my car. So that I literally, and you're like, oh, I'm just going to take your car. And I'm like, I have places to go. Well, that's a lie.

Without you. That's a lie. You've got no way to go. In my defence, you haven't been in that garage. The wax that I cleaned it with, that I waxed it with, smells incredible. Whole garage stinks of it now. Really nice. Really fruity. Lovely. Strong. You'll love it. You're a selfish prick. You'll hate it as well. I'll have to open that garage for a bit as well.

You will hate that smell. Fucking stinks. It's really bad. I got a bit of a headache when I was in there. Oh, great. Is it like creosote? I love the smell of creosote. No, it's like a fruity. It's like, you know, when you used to make perfume with a bottle of empty bottle of cope and some petals and water. It's like proper fruity. Oh, God. Oh no. Okay. I'll leave the garage for a while. What's your other beef? Just really quickly. full on edge. You are so on edge at the minute.

Of course I'm. And anything I say, unless I explain it to within an inch of its life, it's just too much. Give it an example. So just about an hour ago, I was watching a program while I was getting ready about obese people who are getting operations. It's an old program, but it's interesting. I love a documentary.

And you knew I was watching this because I told you about it. And I came up with the stairs and you were in your. office and I said one of them died. And you were like, who died? I saw you. Who's dead? I saw you easily two hours ago when you were sitting watching that, right? We have a lot of conversations, a lot of different things.

You literally walked into my office and went, one of them died. I had no fucking clue what you were talking about. I went to panic. I'm not the man. Everyone listening. Guys, if you've listened to even one episode of this podcast, is she fucking nut? I am not the man you walk in a room and say one of them died who. I go

Absolutely cold red What do you think I meant the kids I don't know what you meant It was just not a nice thing Yeah you did it yesterday as well You did it yesterday in the morning I did gigs at the weekend

Friday Saturday night I did the customs sales Trying out new material At Jason Coog's Comedy Club Yesterday morning I came downstairs He gave us a lying Thank you very much

Hanging out my ass Right Because I had a few drinks afterwards And I'm standing filling some water from the fridge Tender And you literally look at us And you went

Chris I've got some bad news And I went What And he went, we watched Captain America Civil War without you. I was like, for fuck sake. Like, what you doing, man? I just, okay.

I'm 39. Right. You know what I mean? I don't have a spring in my step anymore. I'm at the age where, you know, realistically, some of my friends could have bad medical news or just drop down dead. And you can't just start. No, not. You know.

If you said to me, I've got some bad news, I'd go, I'd think, oh, like, the milk's out of date. Would you, boy? I would out no come on right would I go to the extremes that you go to well no but that's because right well fair enough well then sorry I don't know how to word things in future what do you want us to say do you want us to say like I'm going to say this is bad news but it's not that bad oh my god am I asking for real life trigger warnings you become what I hated I'm asking for real life trigger warnings you need it just keep I do I do but I oh my how the tables have turned I become what I hate you I

you are, you are what you hate, yeah, everything that you hate. You are a walking, hypocrisy. That's you. You're just a hypocrite. You're a hypocrisy. You're a hypocrite.

I mean, I'm a hypocrite. I mean, I'm a hypocrite, but I know I am, but like, yeah, you are, you need a trigger one. Like, one of them died. What did you think I meant? I don't know, it was just, it was just, I was busy, I was busy. I'd be honest with you, my anxiety was high anyway

because I couldn't get, I'd written the notes for this podcast on one laptop and I couldn't get it to me fucking iPad. And in my defence, I was really surprised that they showed it when he passed away. Right. It was, the guy who went for the procedure

wanted it to be shown either outcome. And it was like, I really didn't expect it. They play like it. Bloody having me little chicken, chicken have a card on. It was sad. Yeah. Really good time.

Anyway. Great. My beef of you. My beef of you, dare I say it. When you, not force me, but when you take me

to something that you know I'm not really going to enjoy, you're always surprised that I don't massively enjoy it when I'm there. And then you're like, what's wrong with you? No. Why have you had a face on you? Okay.

It's just because some things I don't enjoy, but I come anyway to be your family and then you're like, so this is the bit. No, no, this is the bit. You go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, all right, let's imagine how that, if I had a time machine, I would jump straight

in that time machine, I'll go back at the morning, I'll go, I'm not coming to that thing, by the way, and watch how that played out because I don't think it would play out as nicely as you think it would. Maybe I just need to learn my lesson and not invite your things. We're talking about the great other room, by the way,

because Chris had a face like a fucking ass all day because he just hates any sort of organised fun at all. A couple of things. Because he's a miserable bastard. He comes down here, has a little laugh and he's all seen him smiling. But actually, in real life, he's miserable as sin. A couple of things, right?

And I hope you, your girlfriend, enjoys you. Good. Because I'm fucking singing. A couple of things, right? It's that, you know this, but you still go, I'll come to that. Why I got a face on you? Right. Well, then I'll tell you what, in the future I don't come.

Right. So. And I, because I would rather you weren't there. In Disney, I knew you didn't like rides. I know you don't want to go on rides. Yeah. I wasn't you stand there going, why aren't you going on the rides? Why aren't you going on the rides? Why aren't you going on the rides? Why don't be miserable? Right. So there's loads of stuff you don't like those? So what would you just never ever going to do anything as a family? No, but they're all normally based around that kind of ilk. It's normally let's go and watch these people jogging past. Oh, will it be good. How many people will be there? Oh, 60,000. Okay.

Will I be able to cross the road? No. Right. Can I sit down? Nah. To be fair, the reality of the run, I didn't watch the run. I watched Rhaef playing on a square of grass with a tennis ball. Because you went, how much of the run will you watch Rave?

I didn't watch the run. I watched the four-year-old trying to throw a tennis ball. How many times I nearly went on the road? I had more friends doing it than you. There it is. So, in reality, I was babysitter at the run. In reality, Listen, it always boils down to the fact that our life will get better when the kids get older.

So listen, let's just, let's shake your hand. Hang on, hang on in there, right? Because we're nearly there. Okay? We're nearly there. Robin went to shop by himself yesterday when we're at the run. We're nearly there. I'll tell you what?

Honestly, five more years and we'll be happy again. You hurt me hands. Don't do you want. Okay. Do you want to hear something that will cheer you up just really quickly? Yeah. I didn't tell you this because I was really embarrassed by it. Right.

The other day, what could this be? The other day, do you know when I had something in my eye? It was really painful, do I tell you? Yeah. Not yesterday, but the day. I had to meet eye yesterday, but this was the day before.

I was like literally to the point where I thought I might have had to go to hospital, it was that bad. I didn't tell you. But because the reason what happened was, I was licking a bag of crisps. And I That breathed out It was a licking an empty bag of

Licking an empty bag of Wrong cocktail shells From Marcy's And you Got so aroused And hyperventilated Like it Like a

And please don't take this wrong way Like a pig snuffling for truffles And you Breathe into the bag And the dust went in your eye Went in one of my eyes And I swear to go I thought

Would have absolutely loved to have sat in A and listen to you say that of the triage nurse. I would have, that would have, I'd have filmed that. I know this is really terrible, but I'm going to have to film my wife's sinousy because you will not fucking believe how this greedy... I had to go and do an eye back. I had to go and put me a lieback.

Hey, honestly. So there you go. Oh, that's great. I've got to tell you. Wow. We're too deep in parenting that, my little eye problems and I knew you'd take the piss. That's absolutely brilliant. That's made my idea that.

There you go. Well done. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. Oh, God. It was better than any birthday. hasn't I got this year.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu bab. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. That's you. As always, if you let you get into touch, it's shag, married and audio at gmail.com, and it doesn't need to be a question. It can be literally anything.

Send us stories, send us, X, send us, would you rather, stand a thing that's happening to you. If you want to be anonymous, we'll always keep you anonymous. Yeah, anything you like. That's how it works. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Longtime listener, second time email. Ooh, I'll have to check for your first one. Sure one. Am I? Fuck you. It is right. Anyway, I was listening to the episode where Chris told the story

of being on his own in a garage whilst his friends gave each other love bites. Yes, oh my God, yes. Yeah, I don't remember that. So, right, hold on, just written that weirdly, like I was there and it was just me and all the lads and all giving each other that love bite. Was it?

No, it was two of me mates from me estate who happened to be going out with two of, the girls from school right so one was going out with in my class and you were the only one not getting loved kind of fancied both the girls as well so that was really it was quite depressed you know it is now that we're diving in deeper was I feel like I should be lying on a shay as long so it was yeah it was me two mates who were knocked around with on the street one that went to school but he was an older boy he was with one of the girls who I kind of fancied a bit because you just fancy everyone when you're when you're 13 yeah and then and and the other lad was with another one from

my class who I also fancied as well And I sat in the dark while I could just hear them slopping on each other. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 16, I think. Oh, okay. Waited.

Waited. Right. Waited till it was legal. Honestly, Rosie, batten them off I was. Batten them off. I said, get away. You weren't.

Get away. You weren't. This is going to be done to the letter of the law. Serious. I was it to see a letter of God. And his lord. And this is,

honestly, this is going to be done. I'm telling you that it went to midnight. It went to midnight. August the 3rd, bang, midnight and they were banging at the door and I said, no, I was born at nine in the morning. I'm still not 16.

You've got to come back in nine hours. Yeah, yeah. They're honestly, the parking, the parking situation was, of course you were. Yeah. They're bloody, you know, loads of their machines, the delicatessen machine ticking things.

Let's just stop. I was the original body blue. Grissy blue. I made you watch that documentary, didn't there? So really enjoyed it, didn't you? Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God.

Okay, ready? Yep. So, me and my cousin have always been really close as there is only three days between us. Right. Sorry, I'm just remembering before all that tirade of mine there,

all that bullshit, I just remember what this was about. This was about the love bites in the garage. And now she's just, the next sentence is me and my cousin have always been close. So I'm just excited. It's a male talking about his female cousin.

Great. Just because I like context. All my friends always fancied her. And over the years, she made her way through the majority of them. Lovely, lass. Bit of a slack. Dig.

So, you know, there you go. Over the years, she made her way through the majority of them. Wow. I hope he's doing a speech at her wedding. Yeah. It'll be a bit. Better slag. That's fine.

Listen, we've all been slags. Brilliant. So I'll not have a bad word said against her. So one night, me and my cousin and a friend of mine were out wandering the streets, like the chavvy teenager as we were. Remember the days? Yeah. Until it started absolutely pissing it down.

And the three of us took shelter in a phone box. Do you remember that when it used to raise? and you go in a phone box. Three in a phone box. I've done it many times. Three of them. Next thing, I'm stood shoulder to shoulder with my cousin as she is getting fingered. That is vile.

Still at this day, I don't let I forget about it. Please keep me anonymous as my cousin listens. So there you go. She knows exactly who this is about. She knows. Wow. That's sad. And you know what it is? You know what I nearly said?

I'm so furious. I just got tangled in my headphone wires. I nearly said when I were talking about phone boxes, I nearly got a bit nostalgic, went, oh, it's such a shame you don't see phone boxes. I know. And I'm glad I didn't see it. This is why.

Shoulder to shoulder with your cousin, Wilsick. Oh, that is so dark. Yeah. That's so dark. It's really weird. Was there eye contact? Who knows?

We'll never know. Back in the day of this. Honestly, I can't even imagine a rain heavy enough to keep me in that phone box while that was happening acid fucking rain

and I'd be out there no I know me neither there is no fucking chance the person who sent this in you could have left the phone box at any time fucking fire lava from the sky

the plagues of Egypt I would be gone yeah no chance which tells me what he enjoyed it quite a bit I think

you enjoyed it quite a bit Can't stop talking about it by the kinds of it. Can't think their own cousin, but you can stand by and watch, can you? Ah? Yeah, dittal ling, ding, ming, ming, ming. Babadu, babadoo, babadu, babadu, bah. Hi. Picture it. Hi.

Hi. has beautiful bright blue eyes. Good God. Not my type, but that's fine. All right, well, okay. You can't even picture it. You can't even play along just for a moment. No, I can.

All right. I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, okay. I get it. Come on then. What colour eyes you got? Not to offend.

Dark. I like dark eyes rather than light eyes. I do now. I've looked. Brilliant. I go missing. I go missing. Please are interviewing you.

I want a photo of us. I want to know what I look like. What colour is his eyes? I just have to check. Hold on. I'll zoom in on this photo. Right. Like dark.

I prefer dark. Don't even. Don't even because there's something wrong with me. My memory's horrendous. You know, these people, you know people who get attacked. Right. And then they've got to tell the person drawing the picture what they look like. I've always, right.

I'd be so wrong. So, no, no. I do believe that the people asking the questions have got a specific way of getting the information out. Do you think? Yes. Right. Because I imagine it's a lot of yes, no questions.

And then it's a sketch. And then it's, is that. Kind of, but It's a process. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they don't just go, what does he look like? You go,

gives that fucking pencil. What's this? HB6, fine, yeah, shit that in. Yeah. Like, no. Tell me these features. Yeah.

Yeah, your eyes and nose. I think it's a step-by-step process and I think they're trained and getting the information out of people. Scratch the fucker. Get that DNA. 100%.

Fucking scratchy's fucking face off. All women should learn DJitu. Just saying it. I know. Yeah. All women should have Djitoo. I know. Presently Jihih Titu.

not the flicking, not the hand fighting flicky stuff. Yeah. Right, listen, he's muscular. Mascula? He's masculine. He's muscular. Right.

Oh, I'll tell you why, I can't wait for October 31st because I'm going to get muscular. Halloween? Put a mask on. It's because it says muscular, right. He's tall, muscular. That doesn't expect.

It's because it says a different way. word. I think words are too similar. Right. Muscular, masculine. Right. Mollusk. They're too close together.

Masculine. He was. Yeah. If you're... Met a torso. It's just, honestly, yeah. We've got...

We can do a lot now. We are... We should not put this out because we are inadvertently writing our next kids' book. The sexy snail. He was... He was a masculine, muscular mollusk.

Chris, it writes itself. He was a muscular muscular muscular mollusky broke his met a tarsal. Honestly, that'll be on the Christmas Eve show. That's it. Poon army might never be on, but that'll be on. Yeah. No, the children's books are easy to read. You're kidding us.

Easy to write, Harry. No. What do you know? Christmas is trying to imply that he writes most of the book. Anyway. Your proof read it Your proof read it I help

Don't we have a laugh Don't we have a laugh Hang on I'm crying now Got it all over my face Right God this poor guy Stood at the till

So long It's just Waiting for us Right listen It's getting videoed now Yeah Right Okay listen

Right Back to the man He's tall muscular Bearded And has beautiful Bright blue eyes A few of my female colleagues

Are hanging about my till, pretend and look for something just so they can be there when he gets served. I've done that before. Here's a question. I've never been... Can we finish this? No. I've never been drop dead, gorgeous

in my life to the point of where people hang around and just like that. So he's obviously... We're not more attractive now than you ever have been. Thank you. But I don't think... So... Dare I say.

Have I not told you on stage on Friday night? What? A bloke heckled us said, you look you look sick you look are you're a slim man you're a slim man he said and I went I'm a slim man

he went yeah you're looking slim and I went oh thanks I'm I was like I don't know how I was like thanks I'm yeah I'm looking after myself and that and I looked at this woman in the front row and you just as if we're talking at a house she just went you look canny

not for me but my point being if I was this if I was randomly put into this guy's body and I was at the till and all the staff were hanging around I would think they were gonna nabbers

for nicking I would be like look I haven't nicked anything and they would have to go He'll just be used to it because he's so excited he's probably used to it

yeah would have to go no you're lush mate yeah right okay right wet floor sign carry on

he gets to the till and I ask him if he has a loyard he looks across the shop to an older lady browsing and shouts money do you have a loyalty card

collective looks have discussed on all our faces and my colleagues disappear off leaving me to finish serving the man child I no longer fancy Wow

See? Again It's all in what you say Just find it fascinating What that's still In the way Oh but what grown adults are saying Mummy and Daddy

No I'm sorry I know There will be people listen to this who do And I think you're fucking gross Yeah Mummy Mummy Daddy, Daddy.

And they're always posh. I knew a girl years ago who had a dad in her phone as daddy and honestly, repulsed. Yeah, that's file. Repulsed. Yeah, it's file. Especially for up here.

Yeah. Yeah. Babadoo, babadu, babadu, babadu, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Me and my fiancé have listened to start to finish nearly four times now. Oh my God. Oh my gosh.

Thank you and sorry. Amazing. Thank you so much. And he keeps telling me to share this work story. Please keep me anonymous so I don't catch a case. Okay. I love that.

Catch a case is good. Someone's been watching what's it called? Get away with murder. How to get away with murder? Or something. You've been watching something. Suites or something.

Catch a case. Good. You know what I mean? Yeah, I knew what you meant. You didn't have to explain it. I knew what it meant straight away. Okay. No, fine.

I'll just not say it. Listen, go and tell your new government. I still think you're cheating, by the way. So whatever. She was on all the rides at Disney. Such, so attractive. Carry on. I'm a veterinary nurse

and have always worked in hospitals so we see all kinds of emergencies. Animal emergencies. Yes. Yeah. But this one has stayed with me. And I think it could be a perfect Rosie's mystery.

All right, let's go. Yeah. So here we go. A very sweet border terrier man from Yorkshire. The angry man from the Scottish borders. Right. Listen.

A very sweet border terrier came in one day lethargic not eating and with underproductive vomiting underproductive vomiting I must not be putting

much about it That's not coming out Does it mean Hoyin up but nothing's there I assume Okay An ultrasound revealed A big glowing blob

In her intestines Oh God A classic foreign body Classic After surgery she went And we successfully Retrieved Big glowing blob.

Oh. What is it? Was the children in the family? Do we know this? No, I don't. It doesn't say. Big glowing blob. Bada, bit a bit of terrier, so not huge.

I know what a port of terriers. My immediate thing was like one of them squeezy, like a stress ball. All right. Stress ball or a bouncy ball. Is that what you're going with? Yeah. Right? You were wrong. Okay.

After surgery, she went, and we successfully retrieved a pair of Lacey size 16 knickers. Okay. Spare that in mind. Sexy knickers. Lacey. Don't know if it's sexy. Depends what you find sexy.

Okay. Some men really like old school, Lacey like 90s and that. Right. So I've known, I don't want to, I've known people who wear them for their other halves. Really? They're like old-fashioned.

Yeah Right Awful but okay Yeah not your cup of tea Right You ready Yeah The dog bounced back quickly

And we're soon her happy self again So we called her Mum and Dad To collect her Awful Mom and Dad Yeah Yeah

Nah I'm not okay Owners Yeah Owners is better But yeah But some people say Their dogs

Or did they call Or did they call Two Border Terriers And did they turn up To pick Was two dogs ring ring ring whirrha

Rha Rha Rha Rha Rha 6th Phone down Thank you for coming so quickly You mean fuck It's a fucking nightmare Yeah Yeah

No Call the mum and dad Right Naturally We'd kept the surgical souvenir To show them As I explained the discharge instructions I couldn't help but notice that the female owner was slim, borderline

twiglet. When I revealed the knickers, both their faces dropped. No. No. The couple left swiftly, dog wagging humans silent. At the post-op check a few days later, the male owner turned up alone and had removed the female owner from the account. It turned out they weren't her knickers.

He'd been having an affair and his dog quite literally. literally swallow the evidence. Wow. Wow. Wow. Veterinary is full of weird and wonderful cases and this exact situation happens more often than you think. Craigie.

Fucking brilliant. That's brilliant. So either he's got his lass coming over or he's taking the dog with him to go and shag his lass. Oh. Which one's worse? Or the... secret partner who he's having an affair with has fed the dog the knickers

why you always go to the world why do you always go to the one because i'm sorry i don't trust anybody and i think the world's full of odd people she's lace them in bistow or meat paste the dogs ate them and she's gone right this is it this is when he's going to get found out and he's going to leave her and his plans worked meat paste well what do dogs like i don't know Peanut butter. I think that's what she's done. I just think the idea of taking your dog with you

to go and cheat on your partner, it feels like the dog's cheating as well but it doesn't know it's cheating. I don't think that's fair, is it? That would be horrible, wouldn't it? But who knows? Wow. So there you go.

That's brilliant. And that's why we're not getting a dog? Yeah. Because I'd get found out straight away. Yeah, there's no meat paste left in our fridge to put on clothes. already had most of it. As always, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shad Married

Anoid. Yes, thank you so, so much. And as always, if you want to get in touch, it's Shag Marriedenoid at gmail.com. And I forgot to mention it, but more news about my tour coming shortly. Oh, not now? No. Next week? I think just next week.

Do I know about it? Yeah, it's just a couple of extra days. Oh, okay. You've kind of shot all over it really is nothing really. I did stuff with the way. It's taking shape nicely. Yeah, you're very excited for it. aren't we?

Looking forward to having the kids on your own. There it is. And we'll be back in your ears and your vile, repulsive little eye sockets. Next week. Bye. Bye.