Sh**ged Married Annoyed - The luteal phase, a mistaken death and is there a new podcast pending?!

Episode Date: July 24, 2026

On the podcast this week Rosie joins us from her luteal phase and has some beef with her period tracking app! Chris has got himself a new catchphrase (which isn't approved) and they have had correspondence from a listener whose group chat caused some serious googling about the whereabouts of Chris Ramsey. Beefs include raw dogging supplements and some questionable vaping advice. All of this plus some QFTPs and a tube ick! Enjoy... If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged Married Anoyed. I'm going to be talking about my period app. Very excited for that. Supermarket Cues. Rosie names her new podcast. Don't, it's not real. Doesn't exist yet. Ah, you'll do it one day.

Chris has got a new catchphrase and an apology. I genuinely can't believe it's took you this long to hate this catchphrase so much. I've got away with murder. As always, we've got beefs questions, X and reverse Ix. Enjoy! Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shagged Married Inoid. You better be. You're bloody better be.

You better be. It's fine. Look, you consume this however you want to consume it. I'm not bothered at all. If you are, but we haven't let you know if you're watching it. If you do watch it, please subscribe on YouTube. And if you do listen, just bloody.

People who are watching it. I get a lot of messages saying people actually enjoy watching it. Yeah. Because you get to see the facial expressions and all that kind of stuff. And you put a lot of work into this studio behind us. I did all of this. I'm more of a listener, I know, just because I like to listen to a podcast while I'm doing loads of other stuff.

I know what you mean. There's too many things to watch at the minute, like, there's too much, it's crazy. I can't, I just don't have to watch things. Telly is good at the minute, isn't it? So good. We just finished tiptoe. Tiptoe was great.

Hey! Great. So good. We need to watch next. But I don't think you're ready for it. A fucking day. Is this reverse psychology? No, it's a sin.

You haven't seen, I've seen it. Well, I'll, I'll definitely watch it. No, you're going to cry. I'll, hold on. Is this a spunky bath? Is this the spunky bath? No, that's salt burn. You're all right for that.

Right, okay. I mean, you watch it if you want, it is good. I just, if I start watching people drinking spunk out of bass, it's going to take the fun out of my hobby, which is drinking spunk out of bath. There's just, I can't watch and other people live in my dream. He also shags the grave, which is awful. He wasn't shagging. So he took it.

He listened to the song, Kissed by a Rose on the grave, and he took it to the next level and he shagged the grave. God, that's a good song. I think it's gray. Kiss by a rose on the grave. Ooh, you want to win. Angel refuse Yeah

Oh You sound like fucking Vic Reeves You sound like Vic Reeves And you're like It's a song Doing a style of a 1950s club singer

Hey Preetetit For 10 points For 10 Chris points Listen Yeah For 10 Chris points Play along at home

What movie Was that the title soundtrack of You got five seconds What years? 90s You got five seconds left 80s

You've still got five seconds No Hang on. Crow? The crow? No, close. Very close. Ooh. No. Edward Sezerhands?

No. Don't know. It was Kissed by Rose on the Grey the Johnny Depp film. I'm kidding. It was Batman Forever. Batman Forever.

Right. Apologies to everybody already. Chris is in one of them really fucking irritating moods where he just tries to make a joke about everything. Excuse me, I'm Luteal. I am Luteal. No, I'm Luteal.

I'll thank you to not bother me because I'm Luteal. I'm Luteal, so don't you do? You don't even know what it means. I do not. We were coming upstairs and I went to give you a cuddle and you went, don't touch us, I'm luetial. No, we weren't coming up the stairs

because he's in one of them horrible, awful, tries to be funny moods. He was chasing me up the stairs trying to touch me legs and I said, I don't want to be touched, I'm luteeal. Yeah, and then I said, what does Luteuil mean? You said, I don't really fully know what it means, but it's like a part of,

I'm due on next week and I think the week before is Lutiel. Can I give you a compliment first? You can always give me a compliment, but when I'm Luteal, I won't take it well. I was walking behind up the stairs. Oh, I've just not. Great.

I was walking behind, in spite of the snot, I was walking behind it up the stairs and your bum looked fantastic. So in my opinion, you're boot eel. You're right. That's great. Thank you. I need to tell you this.

Just going to cut this short now. I'm going to head off. You can just finish up the podcast. I think I've peaked. I don't think I can get better than that. I, you know, me flow up, which I told you about. I just ignored everything you said

for the last five seconds. Sometimes, it crops up every time you go on it. Listen, every time you go on it. She ignored that as well. You are listening, I don't have to listen. I said five years. Come on. Stop looking at me,

you just looked at my tits. I caught you. You did. I looked at the microphone, but fair enough. I look your tits when I want. They're my tits. I've paid good money for them tits.

You paid nothing with these tits. Listen, sometimes it asks you oh, this was at 10 past two in the morning. Your flow app asked you a question as 10 past two in the morning. It kind of like comes up sometimes with like, how you're feeling? And I normally don't say anything.

And I'm stupid, I pay for this app and it's just like tells us when I'm due on. The woman used to slag me off for getting the thing that you talked to on the phone. I'm not going to say its name because we've got fucking a million apple things in the room and it'll kick off. It used to tell me off for setting alarms on it. Now you're not only setting alarms every three seconds on yours and using it for everything. Get to delete things and put things in your calendar. Now you're having a full-on relationship with your flow app.

You're pathetic? Well, my flow app doesn't give a shit. Right. Listen, got it. Log your symptoms and moods now to track your health patterns. First, select your symptoms. So it was like, select your symptoms, how do you feel? So I put insomnia because I was over 10 past two.

now select your moods I put anxious and feeling guilty that's just how I felt at that time right and then do you know what its reply was cool story bro no to me saying anxious and feeling guilty you went today we'll chat about vaginal discharge so I put okay

doesn't give a shit flaunting itself as an app that cares how you feel during your period couldn't give just totally right great great you feel anxious and guilty let's talk about your vaguely oh you feel anxious and you feel guilty I'm just and guilty. Today we'll talk about vaginal discharge.

So then you said okay. I meant okay. I meant okay. And then I turned off. Then it said your vagina discharge can change during the luteal phase of your cycle because the hormones present.

Oh God, Chris. Progesterote? No. Proclaimers. I will walk 500. You should know this word. Your vaginal discharge can change during the luteal phase of your cycle

because the hormones progestridorone No Progestridorone and estrogen and estrogen fluctuate Of course they do

Mine's at the Flugging rock bottom Brilliant Right Well that was all horrible And I've shaved my bikin line So I've got an itchy fudge Anything else you want to

No No But how rude is that Oh you're anxious and feeling Guilty Let's talk about Discharge Now you know what I'll cheer you up

Is it AI? You know what I'll cheer you up A nice little chin wag about discharge. Get a cover. Let's have a little... Forget about the anxiety. Let's talk about your Fanny Juice. Discharge.

Listen, this episode is sponsored by Fanny Juice. No. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for watching. If you are, like I say, if you can subscribe on YouTube, that would be amazing. Still fucking miles away from that 100,000 subscribers plaque.

We're never going to get... We're getting quicker. We're getting closer. We're not going to get them. You don't even have to watch it. Just fucking subscribe and we'll get the plaque and it'll be... Me children will be impressed by us for once.

Thank you for listening. If you do, listen on your podcast apps, subscribing all that stuff and like and rating all that. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. And without further ado, it's time for this week's a lucrative,

a lucrative sponsor. This week, but still got to do it. Seven years. We're well past thorough enough shit and some sticks. We're well past it. But now and then I say something, basically right, it turned out, at first I was doing joky sponsors.

I'm sure I picked the sun and, you know, breathing and stuff. A, water, stuff like that. You know, the big four. And then it's... Captain Blair. Then it's moved on it. Then it's moved on

just little things that I see where I think I've noticed something that's a bit of stand-up that won't be stand-up that isn't good enough to be stand-up so I just do it on our podcast, why not? I'll just shovel it into here

just to make the time up. Listen, it is this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is the fury of shoppers having a queue when there's only one checkout on. Yeah. Oh, hey.

Oh, Rosie. I've got something to tell you on the, I'm going to, no, but I'm going to just put it Write it down because I'll forget. Is it on that topic? Yeah, it's about supermarkets.

Go for it. Do you not want to finish your... Listen, I don't want to interrupt. Listen, you already have. No, this is a different. So now and then when I get sent to sponsors, some of them are scripted, some of them are just a little thoughts.

All I'm saying is, the other day, I was in a queue, right? I was about the fourth one in the queue, and then it got to the point where you can tell people are freaking out because you had to queue down the aisle. So people are like halfway down the aisle and people are coming to queue

and they're going down the aisle. But then you've got to leave a bit of space for the path. So you've got to go stand in the thing and then you're like... Have a guess how many people joined the queue and said, it's only one... As if there's only one till on. Have a guess how many.

Okay, I'm also going to tell you what supermarket it was. Right. Don't ruin it. Don't go like a million or 100,000 people or something stupid. I wouldn't do that. I'm not a dick. Right. Like you.

Because obviously it wasn't busy enough to have more than one tail on. It was quite quiet. Very close. It was seven. Seven people. Seven people. And I was laughing. And it was the big Tescoeod Sunland, wasn't it?

It was the big Tescoe Sunland. Told you. It was the big Tesco at someone. Every single... I mean, they put another till on immediately. It was Rick put the seven lots of people. It's bloody ridiculous, isn't it? What, you fucking shopping during the day?

You're retired. You've got nothing to do. Shut up. Oh, I love a whinge. That big Tesco is so big that I think they underestimate how many people are in the shop at one time. Good point.

And then they're like, eh? And you go, yeah, it's massive. It's a beast of a testament. It used to be a bowling alley. It did? Mm-hmm. Oh, God. I miss it. I went Asda Bolden

just to name another super much We're going to them all us We don't you're on The Superwax are available Oh I've got them all I've got the Nectas I've got the Tesco club cards Um

One stop even gets a bloody looking I do I go everywhere me I go up There's a Premier I go to To change me kegs Oh the kids love the What the fuck is

Beah kegs Beah kegs Why do the kids Love that premiere so much It's got good sweets Yeah so they sell local cakes Made by Local shop for local people

Local people They love that Every time we come home from school They were like, I'm going to go to the premiere. That was the one where Robin was like, there's a new premiere open, as if it was a fucking nightclub. So I was at Asda,

but the other day, and I only bought a few things, so I didn't have a basket or anything. And it was all the self-serving things. I had about four items, and I kept putting them down, and it was like, take unexpected baggit,

and I was just kicking off. I went on six different tills. You're such a fucking, your shit itself. I went on six different tills. Nobody was coming. And I was just like, Like, because normally when I go to ASDA, I do a big shop and I do the gun, the shop and go.

So it's been a long time since I've used the scales. The scanner? The shop and go. Yeah, you don't, yeah. I do that. So then it's a different till. The gun and shop and go is Robin the place, but carry on. Well, there you go.

I don't do that. So no, so it turns out, and it was Robin who ended up telling us six times. Yeah. I'd put me stuff on the wrong side of the till. So I'd put them on the scales. And you know when you're like. I hate people who call. I hate people who call.

All right. Self-checkout. Asda, it wasn't clear enough. It didn't say basket here. And I'm not being, I'm not, I'm not thick. Really? I'm not, okay. All right, all right, in the South Tineside area,

I'm not the thickest person who lives here. Okay. So how's everyone else doing it? So it used to be a lot easier to work out when they used to hang the bags next to the bit where you're supposed to bag. Yes. But if you notice now, the bags aren't hanging there.

No bags. Because the people are nicking them and not declaring their bags and now you've got to ask the man for a bag. But a woman, sexist pig. It's always a man. I refuse to ask the women. I have to, it has to be the man. Oh my God, shut up. You need to stop seeing things like that.

I'm talking. I obviously said it wrong. I'm taking the piss. All right, but you know, if it's the ship, then I'll go down with you. Won't we go down together? Actually, I don't want to do this anymore. Should we just cancel ourselves? You just said you're clever.

And then you've just said a bunch of words. I never said I was clever. I said I'm not the thickest person and self tight, right. bunch of words muddled together there that if anyone listening go back and try and make sense of whatever the fuck that going down with the ship sentence was that was gobbled to do. I will go down with this ship. Listen. Can you remember just before we start, Rosie, can you remember? Just before we start this podcast, we said let's do a short intro.

We said let's do a short episode today because we've got shit to do. But yeah we are, 12 and a half minutes later. We never do a short episode. I did say 11, 11 by the way. You saw 11. 11. Oh well, there we go. Anyone who watches the podcast will know that I often dot my eyes off because I can see the time.

And I always look for 11-11-11. And then I look for 22-22. That's not 11-11-11. That was just one minute, 11 seconds. It doesn't matter what. Or whatever. 11 minutes, 11 seconds. It's been on already.

Brilliant. You've missed it. It's been 11 minutes and 11 seconds. No wonder you're not listening. You're looking at the fucking time. I'm not to see 1-1-1. You're ill. You are ill.

I'm just, I'm spiritually gifted. Brilliant. The angels are looking down on me. We couldn't set along a jingle. Jinggo So this is the jingle Jingo We hope you like the

Jingoo do Jabba do babado do babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo Bhaha Bha-a-do ba Jingo Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmarinoid I'm going to take a breath

and I'm going to calm down because I feel like we're talking over each other It's because we're both Luteal Luteal You can't say that you're luteal It's like you can't

You're not allowed Why not? Because you're a man You don't have a womb Right. You're not luteal. Maybe I'm doing it. You know what?

Like a sympathy, maybe I'm sympathetically luteal. You can't not like, no, you can't not. Remember that time? I can't believe I've actually say in the podcast when you were literally like, I've got PMS. Because I was synchronising away. I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm an empath. That's the problem. You are what, Chris, I can tell you right now, you are not an empath. I couldn't give two folks about. You're not an empath. Listen. Yes. So the, it's been, I can't believe it took you this long to flag this on the podcast.

My favorite catchphrase. Oh, you fuck. I hate it. It's terrible pattern, but that's why it's so fun. I've never slagged it off too much because I think you and your mates do it. We do it all the time. And I think it's, okay, listen, let me open this up. Yeah.

It's shit crack. Yeah, it is. It is the most unfunny thing I've ever heard me entire life, but I know you all do it, and I didn't want to insult anyone. Okay. It should be embarrassed because you, professionally, you just got paid for your last tour. Did I fuck? Keep going.

Keep talking. I'll show you how adaptable it is for every single scenario. It's awful. It's the worst crack ever. You just got paid and you did all right. Honestly, congratulations. Thank you. Thank you.

Book it in again. Oh, you have? Okay, well, do another one in a couple years because that's nice, right? You should be ashamed of yourself. Should I fuck? I hate it.

It's good fun though. So the thing is, you can just throw it everywhere, right? It's not funny. I try not to do it too much tea. I'll be honest with Rosie. Me and the lads do it just to annoy each other, right? So it literally would be like, you know, oh, we're just talking. It's just like, it's just like bloke just shit on each other for no reason.

Wait, I don't have this with my friends. I don't understand. Blocks have it. You've got two sons and they're going to do it with their friends as well. But it literally would be like, hey, I've got to promote it at work today. Did you? Fuck. Like, it's just like a fun, right?

I know it's shit crack. Like, I know it is, but it's fun, right? But okay, just keep it to your friends. Right. Well, here's the problem. That's what I find upsetting. So here's the problem. I have to issue an apology.

And I haven't told you this. I forgot to say it the other day. When I was on a stag do in Dublin, me and me and Jordan, being to a pub, I think the rest of them went back to their lodgings to get changed and we stayed in the pub a bit longer

and then we went to meet them at the place near where the lodgings was. I say lodgings because they stayed in student halls to fucking psychopaths. And we walked round the corner, right? And I was, you're just putting lip stuff on while we're talking? I'm listening.

All right, okay. Eh? I can put, do it while I'm listening. Chris, I can do it while I'm driving. I can do it while I'm driving. Don't say that on you? Do I fork. See?

Yes. I got so excited. So I walked around the corner, right? Yeah. And I was pissed. I was wanting down in the sunshine and my glasses on my mate. I was pissed. And we walked past these people and they were sort of standing in a doorway and one of them

was like a lady and she looked and she went, she went, e, my God, you, you? And I looked, she went, you're famous? All together, what are to say? I'm a fuck and I kept walking. And my mate, Jordan was dying and then I spent the rest of the day. That's a Reddit feed. Full on, full on anxiety.

So I apologise to that lady if she listens. You can't listen though because you're saying you're famous. You've got no fucking clue who I am. But sometimes... Why'd you do that? Why have you done that? It's just fun. Like...

I've had anxiety for the rest of the day for it. Good? Yeah. But if you know all that lady, I apologise. But it was funny. I did enjoy it. Yeah, just dead. Just slot in your life.

Just see, I'm a fuck, are you fuck, is it fuck? Did the fuck. It's just really, it's like aggressive. Yeah, it's shite, isn't it? It's really shite. Yeah. Don't do it.

Don't do it ever again. I try not, so sometimes it slips out and I realize, and I go, oh, I quit, because you hate it. Because you see me face when you do it. You've told us before, you've been like, shut the fuck up.

It's the worst crack ever. I hate it. I hate it. It makes us not fancy it at all. Like, I literally go, no, genuinely, it makes us go, I've married the man who just keeps saying this No, but then that's marriage, though, isn't it?

I can't pick certain. It can't be perfect. No, listen, I've compromised. Do you want to talk about vaginal discharge? I'd always talk about vaginal discharge. I've told you I want to do a period about, I want to do a period. A period about podcasts. About periods, I'll talk about vagina.

I've told you, I want to do a podcast about periods and true crime. Yeah, it is. What if there was one's way? And real housewives? What about some true crime way they catch them because they were on their period? That's never the woman, is it? It's always a man. No.

I mean, no, I mean, sometimes the women crimes are worse. Do you remember that Netflix documentary when she was just trolling her daughter? Oh, yeah, she was good. She was good, crack. Ew. Yeah, big climbing. Yeah, women are minging. I just watched another documentary about a woman who killed and stole a baby

and also killed the baby from a pregnant woman. Yeah, see, Chris, you've got no idea what goes on. Yeah. Pretend that she was pregnant. Lasted 10 months, by the way. She was literally like, what am I going to do? The husband never, like, asked to say her stomach. All of his family were like, she is not pregnant, like, what's going on?

And then she stole someone's baby, literally cut it out of her on the kitchen floor. So women are also awful. She's on death row. Youngest person on death row. You told me about this. I remember because she wasn't shown at all, but she told her husband she was pregnant. Do you know what he said? Are you four?

And this is one. why you'll never get invited on my new podcast. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu babadu bab. Babadu babadu bab. I may have come up with a name for my new podcast. Just while we were babadu babbab and there was probably a few adverts on. So it's going to be about like true crime periods, real housewives, like makeup, maybe it's a bit of fitness advice, clothes and stuff. Like just stuff that are basically just everything.

Food. Yeah. Drink. Blood sweating tears. That's really good. Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. Yeah.

I've got shit to do so I'll just just get Jason in on something get called they're already doing their own podcast they're doing their own they might like you join in

I haven't been invited to play I haven't been invited to play I'll finish this you'll finish this one I'll finish this one okay put your laptop back down I got to send some emails I'll go get some guests

no tidalers allowed I would have to let them in something yeah blood sweat and tears with Lucy Ramsey Does anyone ever get shot in the ones that year the podcast that you listen to.

What do you mean? They get shot in the murder crime podcasts. Lord, why? What you don't are? So the thing you put in a gun is called a magazine, like a mag. Oh yeah? So I think you should call it because it's going to be about housewives, murder podcasts and periods.

Yeah. I think you should call it wags, mags and rags. Mags, wags and rags. Wags? Wags, mags and rags. Yeah, but nobody else knows that they're called magazines. Mags. And I'm not promoting magazines.

like gossip magazines oh my god Holly Willoughby right yeah poor Holly Willoughby the woman hasn't been on telly for a while right right

you know I still got on the front of that fucking every magazine I was like what eh make it makes sense it's fucking

their magazines are insane I remember it's like Holly Holly's going through and I didn't even read it was just like woes and I thought Jesus leave the woman alone

like what the fuck I remember when I was like doing sleppy juice and I like knew her would say nearly every week and I know our husband well and it would be like divorce fear and I'm like they're fucking fine

I saw them the other day they're such a lot of bollocks it's insane crazy It's time for what's your bee What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef Beef, beef My fingers are still hurt

And I'll be honest with you Right, ladies first Why? Why is my fingers hurt? I went first last time Did you want to go first? Okay I'll go first You told our child

Robin and all of his friends the other night while we're having a meal, inadvertently, that you used to smoke. I did. Because you were loudly busy telling our friends' 14 or 15-year-old daughter that she shouldn't smoke, that she shouldn't vape ever, she might as well just smoke. In my head, it sounded like good advice. Yeah, no, it wasn't, no, it wasn't.

So that was all happening. You were telling the 14-year-old to take up smoking. Even though she is not considering vaping or smoking, She said that. She was just talking about vaping and how young kids vape. And I was like, I've heard so many bad things about vaping. I literally was like, don't vape, just smoke. Yeah. If you're going to do either, smoke.

But obviously, don't smoke because it's vile. The point being she wasn't considering either, but you just told a smoke. And then you loudly declared at the entire table in the restaurant, I used to smoke. And our son looked up from his menu or whatever and went, Mom, you used to smoke. So that was just the kind of thing that I would be strung up for, but I just left it. Well, honesty is the best policy. Right, what's your beef there? Okay, my beef with you.

And it's pretty obvious, but it's getting out of hand. And people who've been listening to this podcast for a long time will know that this is Chris's personality, but sometimes... I'm just going to whet my whistle so I can deal with this adequately. There's no water in that. It's just vaginal discharge. It wouldn't go up the straw.

I don't know how I found enough to Philist Stanley, but there you go. Right. You just constantly need us to watch. you do things. You're the other day. Explain yourself. The other day you took a handful of tablets. You had about five tablets.

You always like, Rosie, look, look, look. Sorry, Rosie, look. And you just took all your tablets and I thought, It was all me supplements, by the way. I wasn't fucking. Jeez, I sat so honest. The other day, took a handful of tablets. We were like, Lucy, look.

I'm not looking. Just do it. Just fuck off. It was. It was your supplements. It was my supplements. Can I tell everyone. I talk them, right?

Sometimes I do it dry. No, see, this is what I mean. No, why nobody gets it. Dead impressive. Three creatine, which are fucking massive. They're like little bars of soap. Are you dating creatine?

I'm right. I'm taking creatine. And a friend of ours, the idea said that I look really good. Creatine. Taking creatine. Three creatine. Two,

cod liver oil. Two vitamin D and two collagen. Boom. All in one gorgeous. Why two? Collegin? Why two? You don't need two?

Because you take one and I want to look prettier. Honestly, crack on. Crack the fuck on. Take everything you want because honestly, they're going to come a cropper.

I'm bigger than you. So if you take one, I'll take two. You're such a... Anyone you can take, I can take two of... He's such a gullible. I can't. I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Don't start singing in a little theatre because I will sing you over.

No, it's just the way that you need to be watched. It's everything. Rosie, look, look at this, Rosie. It's like, genuinely, I've got three kids. Everyone's like, would you ever have another kid? And I always go, no, I'm... just no, I don't want it, and I think, what, what? And let Chris be left out, how could he survive? You would be taking real tablets then, if I didn't look at you.

I also take ibuprofen with no water, just straight and dry. So, don't act like you're not impressed. Everyone listening, I know you're impressed. I know everyone's impressed. I think people who can take dry tablets have got psychopath tendencies. Guilty. Yeah, I do. I think you're a bit of a nut there if you take just dry tablets.

It wouldn't even cross my mind. Can't be asked to go and get a glass of water. That is a tendency of it, isn't it? What, not being asked to get water? Just weird. Just weird. Okay. Just take you two seconds.

Watch you back. Watch you back. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu back. It's time for all questions from the public. Public. Popa, pop, pop, bab, bab, bab, bab, bab, bab, bab, bap, bap. Public. You did it right, thank you very much.

As always, if you like getting touched, shagby atnaudud at e-mail.com, or if you'd like to send a voice node, it is 078-7-4-0-60-60. getting that number tattooed on myself at some point so I don't have to keep up looking for. Okay. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi.

I've just listened to this week's pod where Chris was talking about going on the stagdude at Dublin. Yes. And I had to write in to tell you a funny story about how we all thought Chris had died. What? In brackets, we are from and are living in Dublin. What?

Listen to this. On Friday of last week, this was the Friday Chris would have been in Dublin on the stagdew. So a couple of weeks ago. Me and my partner was sitting out in our back garden after finishing work and enjoying the lovely sunshine with a cold beer in hand when all of a sudden my friend Eleanor messaged into my girls group. Did anyone hear Chris Ramsey just passed away? There are six of us in this group chat.

What the hell? And we've all been friends since our teenage years now in our 40s. Q 10 minutes of us Googling frantically to see if there was anything on any of the news websites about Chris's passing. My sister lives in the Midlands in the UK, so I was even messaging. messaging her to see if she'd heard anything over there. She was shocked, ofs. Oh, I'm quite touched that. They were all checking and not just like, oh, who? Oh, good.

Some people think you're all right. Oh, they're just nosy fuckers. What a fucking compliment. Some people think you're all right. They hadn't heard anything either. She also started Googling and trolling the news websites. We were even looking at Rosie's Instagram and we noticed she hadn't posted in five hours.

Fuck it now. Got problems much? We were like, what the fuck? This better not be true. After a panicked 10 minutes or so, we found nothing. So we asked Eleanor, are you sure? Where did you hear this?

She replied and said her cousin had texted her the news and that she would ring her now to find out what she heard. A few minutes later, the following messages appears in our group chat. Oh, I'm an idiot. She passed Chris in the news. a street. We see the woman I show at when I'm a fuck to?

He's fucking dead to me, him. Do you feel like it's all coming together? Maybe this was the woman. Hey, you're famous. You, I'm a fuck, right, prick. You're dead to me. Hey, I'm just bump to that, Chris Ramsey. What a prick.

Dead to me. Oh, he's dead? No, I passed him in the street. He was an asshole. Yeah. And I'm not an asshole. I'm nice, but I was too... Listen, just to go back to the Am I fuck thing,

I was too pissed. If she'd said, E, Chris Ramsey, I'm a big fan. I'd have been fine. But you're famous. I'm fucking six or seven pints of Guinness deep. I'm not going over to play a game of this is your life. I can't.

I just, so I just had to leave. I can't do that because they go, but you know, sometimes where do I know you from? And then you've got to read your CV. Are you out? No.

And they go, it's none of them. Okay. And you want, I'm six Guinness as deep man, please. I know. But I'm crippled with kindness and Catholic guilt.

So, you know, I could be. A proper Catholic hour there as well. Exactly. Exactly. I could be four bottles of wine deep and I'd have a 20 minute with her,

but that's just me. Yeah. You're not like that. Anyway, it all makes sense now that we know Chris was over here in Dublin on his stag. Poor Eleanor had misunderstood him passing by with passing away. Fantastic. So there you go. We're all very happy that Chris passed Eleanor's cousin in the street and is still very much alive.

Brilliant. Can I just say from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. The fact that I could cry, the fact that they were all like frantically Googling and making sure I was okay. It's so nice. Thank you. I know. But so did people when they thought that Jeffrey Epstein was like dead in prison. So I wouldn't.

People are just curious. Fair enough Yeah Wow I don't think it's like I will love you thing I think it's just like Fuck is he dead

You know what I mean Even bad people People want to know Yeah no Yeah good You know what I mean She were dead Very good

Oh right Listen to this Right See what you think of this Hi Rosie and Chris Please keep me anonymous I don't think anyone involved Would listen

But just in case On a recent episode I think it was your PKMA With Alice Levine You discussed The email about cook holding?

Yes. Do you know where that come from? No. Okay, I'll tell you right now, because I've got it on a note. My mom told us. When we were in Verona, there was a cuckoo bird.

You could hear a cuckoo bird. And apparently that's where it comes from because cuckoos would steal the eggs out of their nests. They'd steal nests as well, don't they? Yeah, so they would like sit and watch. So that's where like cookholding comes from. Right.

Apparently. Okay. I might be wrong. Well, I'm not going to Google it. So. And it made me think of my granddad's friend. What the fuck is going on here? Cook Holden.

Let's call him Randy. For anyone... That's a call on, I think. No, it's very upsetting. I don't know. But for anyone listening who doesn't know what cook holding is, it's when there's like a person who sits in the corner. Usually a man watching while...

Usually the husband or the partner of the man watching while a stranger or someone. I don't know. Like, well, it does happen. I know for a fact that it happens. Again, a mate of mine told us about a man who, just if this is your first episode, just a little tidbit for you, a man who gets people around to have sex with his wife on the bed, he climbs into the wardrobe.

In the wardrobe, there is a little stool, he stands on the stool, puts his head through a hole in the top of the wardrobe, on top of said wardrobe, is affixed to the wardrobe, a bicycle helmet, motorbike helmet, hence he is nicknamed the Stig. Just great. It's just awful. Just the gift that keeps on doing. I'm going to kill comedy a little bit here,

But only momentarily, I've just listened to a really good podcast by BBC Sounds called Swingers. Mm-hmm. If you want to listen to the dark side of swing and have a listen to that. Okay. Anyway, listen, I'm not sure about Randy's age, but I wouldn't say he's any more than 15 years younger than my granddad, if that. My granddad will be 79 this year. Cool. Randy is flown out to Spain every year to Shaggy's mate's wife while his mate watches.

Every year. This guy, the guy who is wanting Randy to come and shag his wife, pays for his flight in accommodation and takes photo of the two of the mid-shag which I have seen. Not that, Randy, if it's only once a year, is he?

He's in some of them, also naked, sitting to the side. I assume they have sort of a tripod setup and others is just Randy and this guy's wife. They all seem quite happy and the backgrounds are usually quite picturesque, but I could have quite happily lived out the rest of my days

without these images and they've scarred in my brain. more questions than answers. Again, so many questions. One, why is this fucking pervert showed you the picture? Don't like that he's showing people that picture. Feels a bit gross that that picture has been shown around. A bit upsetting that you know this.

This doesn't seem like something I would want anyone to know. But he's obviously proud of it. They need to get a new guy. They need to get a new guy because this guy's telling people. Yeah. Again, I just can't get me head. round it. Who plays for the flight?

The guy who's... It's an all expensive paid trip. All expenses paid trip to Shaggy's wife. Can you imagine getting there? He goes, he has my receipt for the taxi, by the way. I got a taxi at the airport, mate. You right, you're right on that money back in my bank? Yeah, yeah, no problem, yeah.

He's a prostitute. That's what I'd say to him. I'd say, you are a prostitute. Randy, you're a prostitute. Yeah. How many other wives is he doing this, too, do you think? It might be a business.

Bloody hell. I'd just... I just wanted to think he's ever sat on the plane and someone said where are you off to and he's gone well I'm going to such and such all right you've been before I'll go every year

just on your own well sort of he's gonna fucking you've you've five questions away from I'm telling you I hate him Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo ba'abadu ba'abadu

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or that of someone close to you. Call 16-531-2-2600 or visit connexontera.ca. Babadoo-da-da-da-da-ba-da-da. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Um, please keep me anonymous. I am a nurse and have been qualified for almost five years. Congratulations. Do-da-do-do-do-do-do. so that means I was doing my training during the C word time Ah okay One of my last business Yeah

Was in the busy A&E department One night shift We had a particularly Traumatizing night in Rhesus So the night after the charge nurse Let me work in triage with my mentor As a third year student And therefore qualifying in a few months

I was only being observed I looked at the computer And read the patients complained Foreign Body In Rectum Rectum rectum,

foreign body and rectum. Ding, ding, ding. What do we have for a journey? Welcome back. Welcome back. It's been a while. Great. It's been a while.

The four words that will make any nurse wake up and start guessing. I went to the waiting room, which was quite quiet, but there was one man standing. Of course he was. I wonder who my patient was. I called him in.

It was one man squatting and leaning against the vending machine and crying. I called him in and saw him try to not waddle When he got in I asked what he was in for tonight He said I'm not going to like you son I was having a wank and got carried away Oh well do you know what

I commend your I commend your honesty sir I commend it This person said praise for his honesty Thank you yep I asked what it was and it turned out to be Oh So getting carried okay Getting carried away

So yeah but so getting carried away for me means it's not something planned. It's not like, oh, it was me, it was my thing that I always stick up there. He just grabbed something close by because the sea word has been mentioned I am going to say it's a bottle of hand sanitizer. No, it's not.

It's a cucumber. Oh! Just old school. Wanking in the kitchen then. Did the job. Why might he took her to another room? Yeah, but I was wanting, I got carried away.

So, like, that, I'm saying that implies to me, like you went and got, but he's literally got the produce, you know. Poor cucumber, cleverest, no, cleverest one,

they come in their own condom didn't they? They've got the plastic on them? Well, okay. Give it a wipe. It's it. Not all of them do. You can buy them raw now.

Nice. You don't mean, they're all raw, but yeah. Fuck, make, and you cook, you can't cook cucumber. Just water would disappear.

I don't think you meant, I've never cooked cucumber. You can't cook back. Upon examination, I saw a clear thing sticking out. He had kindly wrapped it in a condom. Oh, there were good. for ease, I imagine.

You don't want any cucumber babies. Give birth the little pickles. Oh my God, I would love the little pickle baby. After chatting with the doctor in charge, I told him he had two options. Take him to theatre and put him to sleep. Or make a salad. You've got two options, mate.

Chicken salad or ham salad. There's your options. Or take him to resource area. Give him a little muscle relaxing and just pull. He chose the latter, stating that his wife didn't know he was there. Brilliant. Of course I didn't. She's at home trying to make the dinner. Is that a pop back out?

If you, if I got a phone call telling me that you had a cucumber stuck up your ass because you are having an exotic wank, I would be so annoyed. Yeah. I literally would be like, nah. That would be the end of us, I think. I do believe that. Oh. I mean, you can't leave someone for wanking with a cucumber or other heart.

I don't know if that's grounds for, but I would just be like, are you fucking, are you kidding me? I just, I don't think. Get in the car! I just,

how'd he tried a hot bath? Had he tried to like, honestly, stick a fork in you and pull? Like, like, Oh, God, woman. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, Jesus Christ, I was nearly sick there. It's poking out a bit. Is it poking out of life? How far did he put it in? How slippery are his hands? There's so many questions. How did it?

So it must, right, okay, so let, right, okay, Okay, let's get into this as it will, right? There must be some sticking out because they've said muscle relaxant and pull. They said there's a little bit, pulling out. Right, okay. So, yeah, I'm just, all I'm saying is, so upset. Hot bath.

Yeah. Hot bath, right? Hot bath, loads of soap, bloody loads of soap. Try for a two. Yeah. Like, what's happened? Why have you gone to the hospital? I don't understand.

I understand if it's disappeared. We've all put a, we've all put a suppository up and the subpoetries are that big. There's the size of a little bullet. But they're the men do? Yes, but there's the moment in it where your book goes. No, no, no, no, no, gizzity. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, I... I would just be like, oh, you... I just couldn't. I don't want to get too darkier, but I would probably just go jump in front of a tree if I couldn't get it out. That's really grim. Because I couldn't jump off the cliffs

because it would be, why, you were found at the bottom. By the way, there was a cucumber resource. Do you think someone put that there when they found his body or do you think that was only there? I'd have to get disintegrated into a million pieces so you know one ever found out. Well, here's a question, or he has a solution.

Okay. If you was a question, man have worked out that you like things up your anus. Couldn't think of anything worse, carry on. Well, that's you personally, though. I'm just, I'm just stating it. Okay. Yeah.

Then buy things, there is things you can buy. Buy a dildo. Yeah. But that's the worry, but that's the worry that when it, because the secretiveness of it. It's like, well, I thought, I've just, I'm only buying a cucumber. Like, you know what I mean?

You can't, you can't. Apparently, listen, there's a full, the gay community would beg to differ. The things of your ass are actually quite nice. Right. So he's obviously, enjoying himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not saying it's not. Okay. You know, what's like? Each to their own? Like, I'm just saying, no thanks. Especially not a cucumber. Jesus.

I think carrot would be better. Harder, like, stiffer. Who are cucumbers? They get a... Fucking big, big way to start. Like, big way to start. If you try to finger, he's not with a cucumber.

You're fucking massive. I know. There's no other stuff he could have done instead of a cucumber. You could have used a spatter. And then at least the bit on the end wouldn't have sucked up. Do you know what I mean? Something.

Guys, you something with a wide base. You something with a wide base. Thank you for coming to me TED Talk. Yeah. We're just trying to help you out. Anyway, do you want to find out what happened? He died, I think. A cucumber, the length of my forearm.

Shut. See? See. This is not his first rodeo. No, this is my guy. He's been doing this for years. Oh, my God. And then do you think he watches his family.

Eat the cucumbers and be like. Oh, God. gone dark. Oh, we've gone, dog. I've gone, dog. No cucumber for me, love. Yeah. Oh, I know how he's allergic to cucumber.

Con, he did. Never had it in his life. Orally. Con, he did orally. Yeah. Takes it up his ass though, don't he? Dirty bastard. You're the reason I've got to have warm cucumber on this salad every single time. I'm sick of it.

My manager told me the perfect saying for nurses. He said you can have a couple given birth to their gorgeous baby and in the room next door is a man with a cucumber Murrup his horse. That's the lighten shade of the medical profession. And can we just say it to all medical professionals out there? Thank you very much.

Thank you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, bah. I have an ick for you both. I was in London, on the tube. Someone was gripping the handle. Like, as if they were going to fall over at any moment. I looked behind me briefly. Only to notice, he was holding them on.

with a hand both hands holding on on the tube disgusting if that was my partner to end it I'm confused what was it I didn't hear that what was he holding on to it's holding on with both hands it's on the tube and he was holding onto the pole or whatever with both hands it's just fucking furious that's such a good it That is one of the best icks we've had for a long time, holding on with both hands. He was holding on the tube with both hands. Oh, that's great.

Reverse ick here, right? Yeah. And this is for all the rufers out there. Right. Big love to the rufers. Hi, yeah, please keep me anonymous. It's not sure my husband will appreciate this one. Reverse ick for you.

Driving into work this morning, I saw a group of rufers going about their business. But as I watched, I could see one of the roofers throwing tight. to the other so he could put them into formation in like a chain if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. The skill, the strength, the accuracy.

Whoa. I know exactly. Have you ever seen the ones? So impressive. Have you ever seen the videos online of builders doing it? Watch them all the time. Where they're literally getting

like a shovel full of the cement and they're just flinging it from one speed and the guy up the scaffold and has just catching it on another spit. Yes, please. Fucking wonderful. Yes, please. Not sure if it's because I'm ovulating.

Brilliant. The fact that you had arms made from marble in brackets seemingly or the sunshine, but God, horniest thing I've seen for a while. So there you go. Big up the roofers. Pretend you're a roofer, Dave. Pretend you're a roofer throwing tiles to another roofer while you're shagging as Dave. Pretend.

Fucking amazing. Oh, fun. Wow. Wow. Babadoo, babo, babo do. Do do do do do do. thank you so much for listening and watching, if you are, Shagmonoid,

love you. Yes, we do indeed, thank you so much. Obviously, if you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe, and if you're listening on your podcast shops, please subscribe as well. That'll be fantastic. And while you're at at chrisvamsiecom, me tour kicks off in September, September, October, November, December,

getting away from the old family for another stint. It's got to be fun. Oh, dark nights. Dark nights, bright days. I'll be awake. Can I still take me golf? Clubs. I reckon for the first couple of months

after deep of the golf clubs. I'd be alright, won't her? Yeah, she cares. She cares massive. Do I thought, oh, fuck. Nice, in it. Feels nice, isn't it? No, I hear it every second of it.

Bye! Bye!