Sh**ged Married Annoyed - This Is Why Ill Leave You

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

On this week's podcast there is a lot discussed! Rosie shares that she finally loves Chris back (as much as he loves her). There is a call to Kevin and quite a reveal about his oversized Goldfish. Rosie explains how a bottle of Gaviscon featured on a night out and we also find out why she isn't keen on trick or treating! As well as all of this there are beefs and some brilliant (and windy) QFTP's! Email the podcast [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shagmarrydenoy. Rosie finally admits that she loves me fully slash as much as I love her. Only took you 11 years. I mean, listen, it's a slow burn. You're a slow burn. Wow, got completely side-swiped by that one. Thank you very much. Kev's fish is massive.

It is huge. He's goldfish. This is not euphonism, meaning Kev is in your brother. We phone them. One of the funniest phone calls I've ever had in your life. Love him. We talk in depth about massages. Yeah, I hear them.

you'll find out why and obviously this question of the public and obviously these beefs and I had a bloody good laugh I really enjoyed this week's episode my throat's actually hurting from laughing I'm not lying oh that's nice that's nice

see look I was about to say I hope everyone else's is as well but I don't hope your thoughts hurt but I hope you laugh as well yeah enjoy bye hello you're listening to Shagmarned with me Rosie Ramsey

and my husband Christopher Ramsey Hello Hi how you doing I'm all right you know I'm all right I'm actually really good good. Yeah.

Finish the old period. There it is. Kids are back at school. So there is. So yeah. That's the main one. Listen, we've had a nice time. We have it a nice time.

It's been lovely. Yeah. But it is full on. So I phoned both Jason Cook and Carl Hutchinson this morning and had a full on massive conversation with them because I don't have time or energy or space to do that when the kids are off. Well, yeah. Well, because we've got one of those really amazing jobs,

which we can kind of work around it. but we're very lucky yeah we're very very lucky but then at the same time i also feel very unlucky when the kids are off school and we are also off because we're lucky enough that we can take time off but sometimes i think i wish i worked back with garrison one of my mates was at work in this week no honestly we wish it gives a tent or two just to get us out of the fucking house it come to the weekend it was like what are you doing with the kids i was like ah you've you've been you've been at work all week haven't you you've been off from parenting they've been hanging off us like little limpets yeah but

there'd be being you're doing with the kids but they're all good. It's been nice. Full of chocolate, full of sweets. We did Halloween, we did a Halloween party. That was awful. You did your first bit of trick or treat. First ever trick or treating. Honestly, ask us if I want to do it again. Do you want to do it again? Never. No? No. I am 99.9% sure that those girls who

answered that door for you and gave you sweets knew exactly who we were. Do you think? Is that when you said this is our first time? I've got the video. I've video. I've video dressed as a cowgirl with a coat on on top of it. Ruin the costume. I wouldn't give you. Look, just point it out there. I'll wouldn't give any sweets. I felt stupid.

I said, Cot off. Jesse the Cowgirl does not wear North Face puffer jacket, love. Yeah. Ruined it. It's a new white one. It's actually quite nice.

I felt ridiculous and I'm really sad because I love fancy dress. I know you hate it. We're not going to get back into that. But I just felt stupid. Yeah. And I'd have three glasses of wine.

And we turned up, let's not forget, we turned up at this Halloween party, which in my defence last year was carnage and everyone, all the adults were dressed up, everyone was dressed up. This year, me and you were the only one's dressed up.

Well, no. And the two people whose party was. All the other adults, normal clothes. Nobody else was dressed up. I just felt stupid. I think I'm too, I think I'm too old. I'm too cynical. And I'm too, what's the word?

I don't know. Everyone's, we're on 10, I'm just to say what this last one is. Like, I'm jaded. Jaded. It was lovely. The kids enjoyed it, but I was just like, I don't like going to people's houses. I want to be the giver outer.

Of sweet. I don't want to go around people's houses knocking on their door. I would like to just be in my house. I buy loads of sweets for kids. That's what was wrong. I don't want to go. I want to host. Well, everyone listening.

So next year, come now at our house. I'll give you some sweets. Very interesting thing that people do, which I find it's bald. My mate did it. Just put a little sign out saying, please take one and put a bowl of sweets out and let them take one each.

Two things. I was speaking of one friend who did it. and he said, yeah, it just, you know, people just took them and it ran out about 6 o'clock or whatever. I speak to another friend who says he knew something who did it. A kid walked up at the door, full ball into his bag first time, fucked off, yeah. That shit. So there are people who do that who can't be asked to get,

because he said, that was it. So I spoke to me yesterday, Stevie, and he said he'd put the ball out. We went past their house. We went past the house and had the ball was empty. So all the kids walked at their house, the ball was empty and they walked off. He says at about half past 5, 6 o'clock, the doorbell rang. and he was like, what the fuck? We put the ball out.

And they up the door. And there's these trick and I treatise and they went, oh, your ball's empty. And he went, right? Fuck off. They went, we got any more? And he went, no. Oh, see, this is what, it's just not.

It's gone a bit like, I don't know. Cheeky little fuckers. It was, like. It was busy as well, though. Yeah. My friend went around where she lives and she said it was really busy. It's becoming more and more of a thing. It's really becoming a thing.

Which, I don't know. Listen, it's nice. It's nice. It's nice. But I just, yeah. I've got a sort of for next year though. What? Sign on the door.

Please take only one. Empty ball. Right. And then, yeah. Signing an end ball at four o'clock. Oh, sorry. Oh, someone must have tucked the wall. Bye.

Yeah. As well, though, right? And I've seen memes about it. All I did was follow the kids around, telling them not to run on the road and get killed, by the way. Oh, when the sweets's involved? Like, oh, God. In America, the block off the streets in that man.

It's a massive thing. Like, it's safe. Yeah. In what? It's awful? In what? film have you seen them block off the streets? Well, I just think they do.

Think? In America, they block off the streets and stuff. It's dead safe. Where have you seen this? I think they do. I just think I've seen it on the telly. Well, how come they're all just in their street? Because it's a fucking film. No, it's not. It's genuine. Hang on. I follow someone on Instagram who was... She was over there in America. Don't know whereabouts. I think they went to Disney. So somewhere near Disney.

Got you? And they went around the streets. A bit rude because I don't live there. just sort of like infringing on people's houses. One of them. And apparently that happens around here as well, you know. People just go, so there's a place where we live called West Road Crown Village. Yeah, yeah.

And they go mad at Christmas. But people like travel. People travel to Westrochland Village just to go to go to trick or treat around the good streets. Just got to be like you can't. You can't trick or treat. What's your fucking pose called?

Yeah, yeah. Tell me your fucking postcode now. Don't read it off your hand. What's your fucking put? Get out of here. I want evidence. Get back up to sea burn. You little twat.

No, and then, sorry, it was just... No offense to sea burn, by the way. That's so rude. Wow. And I just stood behind Rafe and Robin going, have you said thank you? Thank you. Have you said thank you?

Everyone said thank you. Stop running with Rafe. I was just not. Honestly. Speaking of America. Some of me. Yes. Speaking of America, the amount of kids,

and dare I see it, I know some of the people we went, some of the adults we went on the trick-or-treating thing with, listen to this, dare I say it adults, the amount of them just saying candy, instead of sweets

was Rave says candy really upset Rave says candy hate it all the time I batted out of the weekend He's like can I have some candy

He kept in on Saturday He kept going to Nah no no no no no Look look look No offence to our American listeners That's your thing right No What were sweets

Sweets chocolate And people from something called sweets ket Which for my Granddad used to call a ket Which for my youth Has a completely different meaning You're hugging to doze

In the night Yeah My stool huggers. No. Will we do it again next year? Probably got new, but... I've got a gig. Don't you, don't leave me to do it.

I've got a gig. Oh, hello. Hello? Yes, I can hear you through my headphones. What's up? Yeah. I thought so. Yeah, I got a gig.

Got a gig. Sorry. Got a gig on air. It was a Halloween. A Halloween. A bonfire night as well. Listen, guys, thank you someone for being here.

Thank you someone for being part of this silly, silly little pile of bullshit that is Shagmired and Rod. We really, really do. I feel like I haven't done a heartfelt thank you for a while. We really do appreciate that you guys listen to us talking absolute shit. Thank you so much. Oh, sorry, you're cutting in on my bit.

No, I'm going to do. Oh, sorry, everyone. Rosie wants to talk again. Sorry, sorry, guys, I did interrupt Chris's solo podcast. I was on the podcast up this morning and it said popular show because I sometimes get pissed off that we're never on there. I'm always like, where's our podcast? We know.

We're in the top charts. of both. I don't check the charts. I'll check them. I'll check them every day or me. But anyway, it said popular shows and we were there. No way.

Still got it. Still got it. Anyway, genuinely, thank you. I was going to do what we always do. I was going to say thank you for being. Thank you for listening. Thank you being part of it.

Please continue like and rate and subscribe and all of that because it helps the algorithm. Let's all suck off the algorithm. But I hate the algorithm. And without further ado, I didn't say that. Hey algorithm. If you're listening,

I didn't say that. The algorithm can't listen. That's AI. Anyway, it is time. But sorry of you. For sorry, I don't be... See, look at you shit in your buds. No, fuck the algorithm.

I mean, I'm sorry, please, algorithm. I love you so much, please. Cuddle me. Spoon me to sleep, algorithm. I'll be a big spoon. I'll spoon you. It is time for this week's a lucrative. Lucrative.

Yeah, no, no, you don't know. I've never been a spooner, Matt. It is time for this week's lucrative, a lucid sponsor. This week's sponsor is the incredible levels of love and affection your child has for a tour. that they haven't looked at for a year that you're about to take with the charity show.

What was it? Fucking everything. Fucking everything. Yeah, I knew that would happen. I was having to tidy out with the weekend. I mean, I went. You got annoyed. I went full whack.

Right, right. I don't do things by half. You're such a fucking excessive person. I don't do things by half. So, okay, we have had toys for far too long. I've talked about it on my Instagram a while ago. We've got toys from when Robin was young. And I'm talking happy meal toys.

Like the shit of the shit We've just kept them Kinder egg toys I found kinder egg toys that I remember Robin getting Yeah It's ridiculous We've kept them in boxes

They're taking over our whole house They're in every single room Even the good room Like underneath the sofa and the good room There's just old toys And I said Chris I was like I just want them gone Don't care where they go

I don't I don't care And on the flip side I care where they go Because obviously I would You know In a perfect world I have in a perfect world If I didn't have any kind of

social or environmental conscience and all, I would just get a skip and I would put it on the drive and I would fucking pile everything into the skip. That's not our style. It's not what I do. And that's,

I'm a wombo. Yeah, well, hence why I've kept, we've kept all these fucking tolls for years. So I had a system going on. You did not have a system. You did, you went... Whoa! You went three rooms deep.

Yeah, well, I had, okay, I had multiple systems working in conjunction with each other at the same time. It was conned, it was really upsetting. And I had to do how, I had to do something halfway through. And I was like, don't touch anything. You literally had plans. You did it on a day when you had plans.

I had to go and do something for a couple hours and come back and it was still carnage. And I mean, you wouldn't notice. You're a scruffy, you wouldn't know. Oh, I just step over stuff. I had a bag of just stuff that was going to bin. I had a bag of stuff that was going to the charity shop. Then I had a bag of Paw Patrol stuff

that was gonna get bagged up properly and go to like, you know, charity shop like, or maybe like hospital or something like this is all poor patrol. Then I had a bag of, I am not finished. Then I had a bag of all super wings. And then I had all of the Hot Wheels stuff. oh it was we need to let people know this is what I was going to see I didn't mean interrupt

sorry we need to let people know that you know what every toy goes with you are it's madness it's madness like I'll pick something up and I go I know where that goes so that's the thing so I had all of these again I said this to the idea about I was in a when I was in a hotel

when I did my gig in Torquay I was in a hotel and I was writing stand up so I had all of me notes all across the bed and it was the same as this if anyone had come in that would think I was trying to solve a and murder. Yeah. All I was missing is the red threads that go every. I was like, there was toys, everything.

I'm like, I know where that goes. I know what that is. I know what everything goes with everything. I go right. That's that little handle for that thing. Yeah. I'm, um, this is my personality.

You know me. I'm very much sort of like, once I'm done with something I'm done. I am done with tidying up toys. Yeah. I'm done. Right. And in fact,

if anyone ever says to me, would you ever have any more kids? I'll say no. And they'll go, I can't tidy up toys anymore. I get you. I can't do it anymore, Chris. I'm just done

and so I've washed my hands of the whole thing and I'll, it can just be and just sit there because I'm not tired every, every night,

when you've got kids phase one is complete every night of your life is picking up the same sad little jigsaws hoying them in a little basket put them in a drawer

and this little bit of this and this little bit of that and all they love the small world and that's just a cause god damn it Lego I can't

I've got trauma from picking up I swear the God trauma from picking up toys because I just Tell what fucks me off It's exhausted

Little kids pick up a random piece of a toy And move it So far away From the rest of the toy Yeah I found two Uno cards

In the garden Oh see that's upsetting I was fucking raging That's upsetting What little No let me finish What little And I mean this sincerely

Tossa has come to our house picked up an Uno card two and thought, I'll take these to the top of the garden for no fucking reason whatsoever. What part of your game? What part of your imaginary little game that you were playing meant that you had to take two fucking Uno cards to the top of the garden?

I don't know. Why? They were fucking drenched. Put them on the radio. They're all right now. Okay, good. I was raging. Right. You are... You don't like people and that's fine. I don't. No. I don't like people being in my house in space. You don't like anything. No.

this is why I'll leave you no this is a new segment it's time for all this is why you leave you leave you leave you leave you oh I came up with something quite interesting the other night

so fast I'd put you off that that's why you'll never leave us that's why you'll never leave she'll never leave she'll go to the door with a suitcase you know what Chris I hate you but you just always winners round

you'll come to the door suitcases coat you go this is it Chris I'm leave You're like, go, is that a new court? It's lovely. You lost weight. And you'll go, yeah, what do you want for tea? And I'll just take it.

That's called gaslight. No, listen. I realized something the night when I was out with the girls. And Brabs, sorry Brabs. There's one man who goes out and when night's out. And God love him, he just, he listens to a lot of stuff. Anyway, we were out. And I said the girls, I went, me and Chris are like really happy right now.

And they were like, all right. And I went, do you know what I think it is? I think, I think I find. love your back. So like, no, okay, so you love me. You're really affectionate. You're very,

even though you love to bullshit on here and everyone, you love to come across like alpha male and blahdy, blah, blah. I don't think anyone thinks of an alpha male. He's not. You're like, you love your kid, you love me, you're very loving, right?

And I am to an extent. Like, I totally am, but I think I'm just damaged, right, a little bit. Right. From past, just stuff, right? Life. Life. but I recently

over the last year I've just started really like loving your back and I think I've actually finally settled in to a marriage in life and I'm like do you know what it is? Just a slack decked there's no

can't be honest to leave anymore and I'm just I don't know I'm locked in like like what they call themselves Stevie and Jason on Taskmaster Man Oh right I can't remember what they call them Manzukes or whatever

Stevie Manzook. I don't want to be. Yeah, anyway. JV. JV. Manzookus. JV.V. Anyway, I'm just locked in. I'm fully locked in now.

I really love you. I think we've got a good thing going and I think when the kids are older we will genuinely still have a nice time and I think that's why that's why you should stay married to someone. If you can have a nice time with them, if you can look forward

the ones the kids have grown up and I'm like, right, well, oh my God, we'll be able to go. We'll be able to walk down when we used to walk to the Curry House at Ocean Road. We used to walk there and back. We could do that again.

So I've just, I just, I just feel like, Oh, hold the hands. Do you want to? Have I upset you? No, no, it's fine. Am I too honest? I'm not told you.

No, no, it's nice. It's nice. But I was going to tell you today, I'm leaving you. Oh, no, you're not. No, you're not. God, this is a long in-row. Well, I know, 17 minutes.

God, stop looking at my screen. There's answers on there. Oh, is it? I just, I've only looked for 11-11. Wanted to start an unpercon. Well, that's lovely. Well, there we go. 11-11.

The exact 11 being, ironically, the exact amount of years it took you to fully commit to this marriage. Do you want us to lie? Sometimes. Had to fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle, jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo, ba.

Hello and welcome back to how to love your husband with me, Rumsie Ramsey. And the man I've finally grown to love, Chris Ramsey. I've always loved you. Let's just put that there. Hang in there. Listen, if this is... Now I appreciate. I appreciate this.

I just appreciate it. This is just an advertisement for playing the long game, guys. You know, just never rest on your laurels because you might be married. You might have kids. You might have a house together. You might have a job together. But she's never fully committed until about 11 years. But that's just my personality.

You know this about me. Things go wrong. I just want to leave. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You know in like TV shows like breaking bad and stuff

where they've got like a bag they've got a bag in a lockup somewhere where the shit goes south and they go to the lockup and they just get that bag and then they phone the guy and ask for a special part of a mover and they just takes them away.

That's you. I know. If I was a bit more I don't know. I could be that character. Like a bit more impulsive. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, the problem. down a lot. If my life had gone slightly a different way, I could have been that friend where you go, gosh, just fucking like, where's she now. God, do you know, she just went to Iceland one day? Yeah, I think that would be made. The country, not the show.

No, no, no, no, I think that would be made. But I'll tell you right now, why that's not you, because that takes effort and you're quite lazy. In your head, you go to all these places. But in reality, you know, it was the kids. That's the kids. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there were going. Kids very, very, very, very tiring. Hey, Robin Raffey. Hey, Robin Rief, big shout out. You did your dad a favor kept her here well done can't do anything impulsive with you too so thank you yeah I yeah

we're gonna talk about the fact that robin's currently on a three-day uh personality strike because he wants a dog no I don't want a dog but I can it I'm so he's triggered us to the days now of moping around the house because he wants a dog but but it's like it's the manipulation that he does so he'll lullion of false sense of security and he go hello you all right and you go hi your son yeah I'm good at you and then he's like now he just runs his hand along the table But then he's just like, when are we getting a dog? What he came in? Maxwell's going to pick up a guinea pig.

Why can't we get guinea bings? I'm so sad. And then I go, I'm not getting any animals. It's not going to happen. Then he walks off. And he comes back again. It does the same. Yeah.

Yeah, you came in last night. I was sitting in the corner watching tell you and he came in and I heard him go to you, why don't you like animals? I just turned the tell you on. I was like, I can't. No, you left yesterday. You left the room. That was earlier in the day when I left.

I left the room earlier in the day. And I just turned the tell you. This is one thing. This should be a beef because you cannot deal with the kids' emotional breakdowns. I very much have to hand. Like you,

you can take them swimming, you go at the park, you go on the PlayStation together. As soon as they have any sort of emotional, like, something happens, you just leave the room and I'm like,

so I'm dealing with this, I'm not. So I do everything then? Hmm? If I'm doing the park and the swimming and the PlayStation and all that, you should do the emotional stuff.

I name three activities. Yeah, three big ones. Take all day then, man. Oh my God. Kidness. No. But yeah, so he just wants some sort of,

of animal. He's getting us like, I'm honestly, I'm stuck. Again. I don't want, I don't want, Chris,

would you remind us that I don't want anything? You don't, but I'd rather get a dog than anything shit. All the shitty stuff that just lives in a fucking box full of sawdust,

piss-soaked sawdust or a tank and hates you and just I'm not getting, we've had fish before and he didn't even look at them twice. He was a lot younger, but fish are,

I was fish guy for a bit, but they are. Oh God, yes you are. I'm still a fish guy. Got all the stuff, bought all the gear. I see my Kev's goldfish? It's fucking gigantic.

Why is it so big? It's like a whale. It's like the size of me had. It's literally. How long's he had it for years? It's huge. Why is it so big? I don't know.

Where do you get it from? Should you find out? Dodgy, backley and dealer by the looks of things. I'm telling him that's not a goldfish. Should you find out? You haven't bought a kef for a while? Shall I ring kev? Do you want to ring him?

Should I ask him why's goldfish is big. However then. that's not a euphemism he's ready to hear from Barry real life Barry this is who Barry's based on plastering and property services please leave a message

and I will get back at you soon as I can't thank you why is his fish so big well hang up oh he's hung up no you hung up I was gonna leave I was genuinely

going to leave a message why did you call fish fucking massive did he hear his posh voice oh red head plastering and and that's the worry that's his posh voice so he's done me

red head blustering property services. Do you know he's done me a redhead plaster and property services as cap? Oh, he's bringing his back? Right. Hello? You're right?

I am, are you? Ah, just that graft. Kev, why is your fish so big? Fish? Uh-huh. He's birthday of the day. He's six, his guy folks night. Well, obviously it was years ago.

He's six today. What? What? He was? What? his name. Guy after guy for us. Oh Kev, you need the air, you need to take him to the fishing chip shop and you need to say,

can I get a fish cake and they'll go, what's it for and you say, oh, it's his birthday? I am I, do you feed him a lot or is he just a big kind of fish? I know he reckoned that feed him a lot, but he's massive. He's huge. He's like the size of what hand. We're just talking about him now. We're just doing the podcast You're on the podcast

I'm not going to do with guys Oh my god, I'm going to look at this morning Oh my god Okay I've got to go Hey I love you Bye Bye

Love you Bye Oh my God Oh fuck me I did not expect I was not prepared for that like Why's your fish swimming? It's his birthday.

He's six. He's six years old. How's he six? It's not even Guy Falks. It's the third day. He thinks it's bought by an identity. Poor guy got all these cards a day early. I didn't want to say, it's not bought by anewan.

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like heart disease and cancer. A healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan, live well for life. Visit Medcan.com slash moments to get started. Babadoo, Babadu Babadu Babadu Ba. Guys you won't know this but

as it's probably just done a babadubah and possibly an ad we've only just stopped laughing at that. So we've just decided that we're quickly going to ring Kate and Sandra and just offhand ask them what they've got Guy for his birthday just to see their reaction.

My throat's hurting off laughing at that. That caught me so bad. Hi, yeah, you're right? Aye. Um, just quickly, what you got, Guy for his birthday? Who? Guy? Yeah?

It's Guy's birthday to day? He's six. We rang him, right, because we were talking about goldfish, and we rang him saying, why is he so big? And he's like, it's his birth now. But, ma'am, he's called Guy Fawkes, right? Because he was like, we've got him on Guy Fawks. It's not Guy Fawkes day to day. It's not the fifth.

I know, but it's only the third. Why is he named him? Oh, man. Oh, hey. He was just being laughing. Mind, have he seen him? The fish, I see a guy. He's massive.

He's huge. Like, I think there's something wrong with it. We're going to have to go and get a photo of us with the fish for the podcast because we've talked about it that much. It's because I've had him in a big tank. The big air, tank with a big air fish cold. Is that true? Oh. But he had quite the biggest tank for basically the goldfish just grew.

And obviously he's got a bigger one. Right. He's got an even. the bigger one than he had in the flat, I think the corner of the one. Wow. It's a bit like living in a small town, isn't it? Oh, man. I mean, to be, right, that house, even a flat, what are you doing with a massive family,

he's bloody fish, damn? It's ridiculous. But, ma'am, you can't speak bad of him to date. It's his birthday. It's his bloody birthday. I know. You're totally right. You're six.

All right, six. All right, Jake. Bye. Love you. Bye. Kate won't know who guy is. Kate will not have a clue. Kate will not have a clue. Oh my God.

That's so funny. Good times. So yeah, so there's apparently, that's what the sea that a fish will grow to the size of its tank. Yeah, but you put a goldfish in where Shammu used to sleep.

What's it going to turn into the size of a whale? That's ridiculous. Poor conditions, like low water quality and insufficient space caused stunted growth where the fish's growth is artificially limited and can lead to health problems.

But a goldfish's true size is determined by its species and genetics. But what I can take away from that is Guy's got a lovely little home with Kev because he's not stunted, he's a big laugh. He's really looking after him. That's lovely that. Hey, happy birthday guy.

Happy birthday guy, love you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I was drunk the other night. Yep. And I've wrote down a note. Okay. And it just says, woman off the goodies. Woman off the goodies.

I don't know what it means. I know exactly what it means. What? You haven't wrote goodies. Do I mean to write goonies? You meant to write goonies. But what do I want to talk about the woman off the goonies for? You were...

Have I told you something? Was I drunk? What happened? No, this was for me. You weren't drunk. Were you drunk? How do you... I think...

Oh, you've been out with the girls. So you've been out twice this week. God forbid. One of them you came in really early. Oh, yeah. Went to a curry. Yeah. And you were lying in bed and you were watching your iPad.

And Raph was behind you. And I took a photo of your lying in bed watching your iPad. And I said, and I quote, you look like the woman off the goonies. meaning Sloth's mom and you were not happy about it at all I wasn't happy because I actually

yeah I really did and I wasn't happy that night because you just kept talking to us all the time I hate it when you do that I hate no because I was just trying to watch my iPad and just have a bit of time and you just kept talking to us and then you really passively aggressively

you just come over and pause my iPad while I'm watching it and talk to us I hear that I've never known someone who needs such entertainment mediums around her no matter what she's doing. You can't wash your fucking face without having any iPad on.

I know, I think I'm depressed. It's madness. I think it's depression. I think I've had it in my whole life. You're always living with it. Yeah, all the time. 24-7. I put white noise on the other day

because I've never really experimented with it. God, it was lovely. White noise was lovely. Yeah, I think I could have, I think I could just have white noise on all the time. Not, not like noise like from the fan

because I want to die. You know, the fan. The fan and the Hoover make you very upset. A fan. Like living with a Labrador. I hate it. But white noise,

God, it was delightful. I might just have to go around. But now I'm worried that I'm wearing my AirPods too much and I'm going to get ear something, I don't know.

I'm getting a bit of a sawyer because I have my headphones in so much. Right. Oh, so God, Jesus Christ. So that's what that is. I can rule that out because I was like,

woman off the goodies. No, woman off the goonies. And in all honesty, the way you are lying you did look exactly like her. Okay. Well,

speaking of being out something a bit sad's happened obviously we're from a very working class town still live here I love it love it to death so she'll still I die because of what we do now and being a bit more like recognisable

and stuff being on TV programmes and stuff like that I don't think I can go to rough places anymore right why because what happens is right people a bit rough around the edge you went to school with them

and they would just smack if I're looking at them wrong. Yes. Right? This is where we've grown up. This is the crack. We're all aware of it. You know, when you're younger, have you got on public transport?

You don't look directly in people's eyes. Yeah. Because they could beat you up. Fuck you're looking at me. Look at me, a chow on a brick. Look at me, a churning a brick. It's either way you're going to do some teeth. Exactly.

Classic. I don't think, whoever made that up, I don't think they were giving enough credit. It is very good. Yeah. So now what happens is I'm out. I'm in the toilets and I'm washing me hands. And people are staring. and that is and they recognise me from the telly but they think that the haters right they think that

i am an enemy and that i've upset them and that i've fought with them in the past and they can't work out can't work out why the knowers but they don't knowers right and they're just like you're saying people so you mean a couple of people it's happened quite often in a rough bar glaring like they don't know why they know who I am. Mm-hmm. I get you. And it's just a bit upsetting. I've told you before about the drunk guy

who once in the toilets was asking me where he knew was from. But that's what I mean. But I told him exactly where. I know you. I know you. I know what I do I know are you? Yeah, yeah.

And it's so aggressive. And you don't want to go, oh, I was on. So I've done it before. Can I see the bake off? Yeah. So I've done it before and I avoided it, avoided it.

And I went, okay, mate, I don't want me like saying this, but I'm a comedian. I'm on the tell you. I do a podcast. and he looked as dead in the eye and he went, it's not that.

I went, it fucking is, like it has to be that. But I know what you mean. But it's fine, and don't get me wrong, listen, people are lush.

I like, I love going out. 99.9% of people are lovely. Of course they are. Amazing. And like, not everyone's like that, but I just,

I think some people, when they, they know, hard people, when they've had a drink, they get to a certain stage and they're like, why the fuck do I know her?

And then, obviously, because I'm, intrigue. I do look back and then they're like, what's fucking look at me and I fucking are. Where do I know I'm from? What's fucking stare at me? And then I just think, I need to go home.

And even the other night I put myself down for the karaoke. This is really grim, by the way. Put myself down for the karaoke. What a horrible night you had. It was so busy. Fuck did you go? A set of shameless. I left before my song came on.

Oh. My song didn't even come on. It was on a bloody list for ages. And I left. Anyway. Oh God. You know what else? is, you know, when you're getting old

and you're out with your friends. You know, Steph took a bottle of Gaviscon out with her. That's why. And everyone had a glug of it. So the Gaviscon is on my Christmas shop. When I do my Christmas shop, Gaviscon is, I'm doing that Marksies Christmas shop. Yeah.

Oh, you know, I won't treat myself to a little Marxist Christmas. There is Gaviscon in that fucking basket every single time. Every year I get the Gaviscon in. But it was just the fact that you got it out in the middle of the bar. And everyone was laughing, but then they were like, actually, can I, can I have a bit of that? Like a bottle of poppers that you passed around. Do you remember Poppers?

Nah, I've never done that. What do you mean? What do you remember about them? Have you done that? Oh, God, I love Poppers. I used to dip me tabs in Poppers and then I'd let them dry and then I would smirk them. And you day to sit on the end go, you know, rough people who are rough. You're fucking disgrace.

No, not rough. Hard people. Right. People, some people are hard. I'm not hard. Right, okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for what's your be.

What's your be? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first? You... Don't say a lady here, so I might as well go. Go on then. You keep leaving the frying pan out. Right.

On the hob. Right. Really upset us. Is that the frying pan that you can't use because you rubbish at it? No, it's not, just put it away. It doesn't need to sit. It's cooling down. Right?

It's cooling down. Off a three days. It's cooling off of three days in a row? I have a very hot and make an omelet. Sorry, make your omelet, let it cool down for an hour, wipe it with a bit of kitchen roll and put it back in the drawer where it belongs. Really upset as left out on the hob. I hate it.

And while we're at it, I tell you what, do you when you make something? Wipe down the bench. This has been a beef before. You never wiped down that bench, ever. I've never seen you wash that bench. I've never, ever seen you spray it with a spray and clean the bench. It's mad, in it because, like, you get an audit these things, but like so the island we're talking about the island here

it's got the hob on it and stuff right yeah so the hob's there you're upset that I haven't wiped the hob I haven't wiped the bench and the frying pan's there yet just behind that is a bench with a sink on it that is just a fucking free-for-all for you for both nothing goes in that dishwasher today you put two cans of water on top of the bench recycling bins underneath completely empty I did all the recycling

yesterday they were just on top of it for no reason I'm just waiting about the shit why one for three days no because I would have done it Honestly. Do you know, I've always got, I've got so many things on my mind. Do you know,

I've dropped my, I nearly brought my laptop today because I was stripping the beds, bringing the stuff downstairs and it dropped out of me hands. So you're so busy, that extra half a second of instead of putting it on the bench,

I've opened it on the bench, it's like dropping it on the bench, but a foot in front of the bench. I just can't do it at that time. I just have to, there's a system, it has to stay there. But I would have put them in.

Oh, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, we're both horrible. Check. and mate, which brings me to my beef. Great. Now, you have started, and I don't know where this has come from, because you're giving all this about your lovers and you've settled into the marriage and you're bloody blah and you're not being a little over now.

I genuinely have, love you. Well, why, why have you became violently aggressive towards my farts? Oh. Something's happened. I just built to get away with sneaking a little pump out. Now, I've fought three rooms away and you're running and start shouting at us. No. You just started to get really upset by them.

And you started this, lest we forget. When we first got together, we spent a weekend together, and we were both ill, because we held with farts in, we both had really bad stomachs, and you said, look, I can't be with anyone who can't fart, let's just fart. So the fart gates opened. You were ill when went to Dubai, I had to rub your stomach. Because I wouldn't fart in front of you.

Because you didn't fart, or shit. Exactly. That was the plane's fault, not my fault. It was the glass door's fault. No, yeah. But it's the glass door on the toilet in a hotel room. First holiday away. Now, listen.

Grimm. That. I don't know what's happened, but you started that. You started the world of let's fart in front of each other, and now I'm being... You're being... Villeified in my own house.

Your parts have got more disgusting in smell. Something different. It's athletic greens. It is. It is. I've been having athletic greens for years now. Yeah, and it's been the last few years. I hate it.

You just come in a room and we're talking and you just fart and then the whole room stinks. And it's really upsetting. You started this. You started this. it. You started this. You told me farting was fine and now suddenly farting's not fine. No it is fine. Just don't come

into the room that I'm in and fart. Go do it somewhere else. But sometimes you beckoned me into that room and I have a fart with us. Oh you carry them around where you're like the stick, the cling to you. You're fucking disgusting. I like a little tail. I like a little tail. I fart I think, I'll leave that in this room. I walk

down the corridor and I think, it's come with us. Yeah, it's great. How's it grabbed a hole? Actually, what's happened? It's mine are disgusting at the minute as well? I think we're getting older. Oh, God. Is that what it is? Old person,

I think as you get older, your farts become less of a fart and more... Cheat yourself. We might have worked out what my IVS is. I think it's your sweetness and your coffee. Yeah. Why all of a sudden, though?

I don't know. Been having sweetness for years. Yeah, because artificial sweeteners it is a laxative. I know it is. But coffee's also a laxative. I know it is.

I don't know. Anyway, we'll see. And you're also full of shit. Yeah, constantly. 24, 7. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu babadu ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public.

Very nice. As always, if you're letting touch it, shagged, Married and Ored at gmail.com. Right, let's see what's going on in the mailbag. That's your name. I'm the mailbag. Hi, guys, I was listening to Tornail Barbie, where Rosie had a beef with Chris farting during a serious conversation. Yes.

This reminded me as a story of my husband, right, so you're not the only one who is disgusting, right? We have a little boy, two and a half, and a baby girl five months. Got you. So basically two under two, which is just not a scenario I would enjoy. One of them's two and a half, so he's half over that two.

Yeah, you're fucking bullshit, that. Liar! You're the one who said two under two. It says two under two. Oh, no, two under two. Yeah, okay, then. Two under three. Oh, wow, you're horrible, yeah.

I'll email him back. As you can imagine, the newborn and stage with my little girl was pretty challenging. I was suffering with postpartum depression and had a baby who would only sleep on my chest. She also rejected a bottle so I could only exclusively breastfeed. On the cuns. One. Oh, no, I think babies are so demanding. Kids on the whole.

Just like, honestly, lie there and go to sleep. Back in the olden days, you'd be left outside of their shop to fend for yourself. They used to just leave babies outside. so privileged babies now I swear to what. Like, yeah, I mean a child, yeah. Like, you've got to, a baby is born and you've got to basically spend the first 10 years of the life

teach them not to be a total fucking prick. I just, honestly, bring back the olden days. Do you know when I was a kid? My mom didn't have a double buggy. And obviously, I was literally two and a half, having to walk everywhere, knackhead. So what you would do is she just emptied the bottom of my brother's buggy, put a bit of cardboard down on the flat bit,

and I used to lie on it. Like Superman? I would lie on the, the bottom of the buggy and she would just push around and that's where I would... If you claim that that's anything like Superman DC are going to be in touch. Well because the joke is I used to be like, yeah.

But um... It's a dog shit flicking up off the wheels into your face and that. Absolutely. Great. Awful. I know. But that's the thing. I remember walking because we didn't have a car this time. We used to walk back and forth to the nuke. And what is that from where I grew up? It's about a mile and a half.

Mile and a half. Little kids. And I'd be holding a sack of the day. And I was three. Carrying a full sack of potatoes. I mean, Mom's going to listen to this, you know, and she's going to go, you know, you did, you did. And remember, you had to then come back home and put all your overalls on and clean the chimney as well, remember? Yeah, I climb all the way up that.

No, I'm sorry. And then you went in the shed and put little iPhones together with your tiny little hands, remember? Let's walk up. Let's walk up with the shop this afternoon, get raved to carry a bag of a sack of potatoes back. You won't carry himself. Exactly. That's what I mean. Yeah. privileged little twats they all are

I don't want this bottle I'll suck on your tit forever so you can't leave the house I just think they're so privileged anyway and I'm not slagging off your kid here they're all the same just slag off all kids just like all kids yeah they're all dicks they just don't know the ball oh they're all dickheads right you ready

yeah one night when she was screaming from colic and I hadn't slept for weeks my husband came into the room colic remember colic just fucking pits the beat that's not their fault Oh, what is it? It tastes amazing as well.

It's the little dropper. Everyone with kids are seeing it now when we can't remember it. I know. You had to do some like midnight dashes to Azda for it because we ran out of it. Oh, come on. What's it called?

Come on. Let's see who gets it first. Not Gaviscon. It's like that. Like a gold, gold of a stone. Um, what's it called? Oh man. No.

I'm, I'm a call. I'm a call. It is. It's something like that. In for call. In for call. I was, I got it. I got it.

You didn't. I got it. In for call. You only got it from Anvacol. You shouldn't have said it out loud. You should have said it in your head. I win. This was that old game show,

Golden Balls, at a store lay and fucking smashed you. I know. We're the hashtag sponsor. Infocal. Right, okay. So, she was screaming from Collick and her husband came in the room.

I lay in bed breaking my heart about how I couldn't manage anymore. At that point, my husband pulled his ass cheeks apart. And stop. There goes my hero. Watch! I obviously stopped crying and just looked at him in shock.

He said he felt anxious because I was so upset and it caused him to have a sore stomach. I can't look because I'm crying. In brackets it said the room fucking stag. The room fucking stag. Listen, this is how scourges all are. When I asked why he pulled his cheeks apart, he explained that he thought this would stop it from making an noise. It is a silence sir

It kind of feels sorry It is a silence Say you're pulling up on it and it just goes Yeah If I'm honest it did break the tension And I started to laugh Since then there's been times Where my husband would be telling me

About a situation he's fine and hard If I'm not listening He'll moan Then I'm not considerate of his feelings I have to reply Oh like the time I was having a serious Mental Health crisis And you just spread your cheeks

And fuck She's got that in the bank For a long time I love the fact So go back So she started saying that she can't handle it and she's having a break crying she's literally like I can't do this anymore

it made him feel anxious gave him a bad tummy and he had to fart fucking baby but that's something you would say that's something you would absolutely say be like I'm just so tense 100% that's great I'm just feeling your stress yeah

I'm just hands out of his pants fucking grabbing a hole of him you know you know that he'll have kept full eye contact and he's trying to do it on the slide Yeah, you just sniffed his fingers afterwards as well. Oh God, that is funny. He, bless you though.

Love him. I hope you're all right. Yeah, I hope the kids are okay. That's fucking wonderful. And genuinely, like, hope you're all right because it's really hard. That's exhausted me. That's exhausted me. I've laughed a lot today. I know.

What a nice little time we're having. Is this a comedy podcast? Compod! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris Rosie and the boys. After listening to episode 172 where you were talking about massages, I had to send in this story. My brother and I went to Egypt.

for a break after we both had pretty crappy breakups. We arrived on Halloween evening, this is from last year. Sorry, brother. My brother and I. Right, okay. I think it's two men. Okay. Yeah, two brothers.

Both had breakups and then went to Egypt. Nice. Pretty crappy breakups. When we arrived, we found there was a party. Figuring we should start as we mean to go on, we literally drank the bar dry. Nice. The next day, we were by the pool hanging to the point where we both thought we would never drink again. we decided it would be a good idea

to get some massages. We both went into the spa. No, it's a terrible idea. Yeah, you're already dehydrated. Massages, yeah, like, fair enough. You know you're not meant to drink after a massage? Oh, yeah, they always say that. I know, I'm like, mate.

Why do you think I'm at the spa? What I'm crazy. I will be pissed as far as. Yeah. Right, okay, so we both went into the spa and were asked for our pressure preference. My brother opted for soft massage, whereas I, in my ignorance, decided

a hard massage might be a good idea. Deep tissue, yeah, go for it. I don't like massages. Yeah, you... I do not find them relaxing at all. Well, I had a massage the idea when I stayed in a posh hotel when I did my gig in Turkey

and I trekked myself and I stayed in a lovely hotel. I know. I got a massage and what I've realized that I've been doing wrong about massages for years. Well, I think I've been doing it wrong. I don't know if there's a right way to do it.

You know when they do your back? You know, the hole in the chair? Yeah. So do that? your hands do that where do you put the hole what do you mean they I just is that what you meant to do and you know I don't know people on the video put people I'll try and describe it as I'm doing it so I'm looking at the camera now I don't know if the hole's bigger than that how big's your head the whole my whole head fit in them

holes you got a tiny head so the hole's about this big so do you do the hole from like the bottom of your nose and your eyes so you can see the floor no you do your mouth your mouth definitely and nof through it definitely Well, I hate that, though, because I can't breathe sometimes. Well. And I have to cough. I find them so, I just hate it. When I put me snout, me snout, let's say snout.

When I put my snout through the hole, the breast of it presses on me eyes. Uncomfortable. I get up. I fell asleep, right? Yes, of course you did. It's not that I don't like you fall asleep, do you? It's not that I don't like you fall asleep, but how do you fall asleep when someone's touching your body all over? It's a mass.

God, it's gross. I got a deep tissue one as well. When the goni are your bum hole and I'm like, oh God, are you going to, I'll just find Nick Gross. Like when they're down next to your bum and that and up your eggs and shit. Where are you getting your massage? It's porn hub.com. Next to your bum hole? It's just, I just find them so... I don't even let them touch me fucking feet next to your bum hole. They do sometimes go next to your bum hole?

They go nowhere. I'll tell you what, if someone went near my bum hole in a massage that fucking knew about it, spread me... Not that, maybe, I'm being, like the bottom of your back. Right. Top of your back. Top of your back. Top of your back. I can't relax. I can't relax when I'm being touched. I don't want to be touched. All I'm saying is, I had my snout through the hole and it was pressing on my eyes and I get up and I can't see, I literally can't see for a good 15 minutes. Right. And I get off and I'm having to fill a form in afterwards. I'll sign

into the room or whatever. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I have to sit there and wait for me sight to come back. I've been doing it wrong. I think you're supposed to put your eyes through. Well, do that next time. I'm too scared now. I think I'll not be there. I'll have a facial. I like a facial. Right, listen. End out of massage therapists. Why you're smiling? What do you mean? Spug. Spug. Sometimes I wish I'd do the podcast with a woman. I do. Why?

Because I would say the word facial and she wouldn't automatically think of jizzing in my face. Do you understand? There's no way. If I rang one of my friends and I said, do you fancy going for a facial at the weekend? They would not go. Come.

And I miss that. I want that in my life. Okay. And sadly, if we worked in a different environment, you would not be allowed to say that. Because I'd get you... Oh, my co-worker, I mentioned facial and he started laughing, talking about semen in your face.

You'd be sacked. Right. In fact, who's our HR? Have we got anyone? It's me. Would you like to complain? Excuse me, sir. My co-worker, every time I mention facial,

he thinks about coming in my face. This is a very serious, very, very serious, Mark. Can I just take the name of this? You're not even that fit? Right. Okay, well, I mean, you shouldn't shame in him for how he looks. Well, we'll just put that down against you with it.

Well, if he was fit, I'd maybe say I would let him come in my face. Right, okay, so that's really bad. That's really bad. So now it's too one to you. So you've done two bad HR things and he's done one bad HR thing. I've done two bad HR things. I'm not saying he's ugly to his face.

I'm telling you, the head of HR. Listen, what's this guy's name? Christopher Ramsey. Great, great member of staff. Is it Chad Rivers? He's got a few? Yeah, yeah. Funny guy.

Exemptly record. And honestly, says... No, I heard... I heard he made Claire in accounts. cry. No, because he's the accountant as well.

Oh, right, okay, great. He's actually, very good looking. It says here, a top flight athlete,

BJJ Blue Belt, very good looking, accountant, HR guy, co-host, it says you've got one, one job that you do

on this podcast, brackets, not very well. Wow. So I'm handing me resignation. Say that again? Say it again.

sitting up properly. I'm handing me reg. Guess what? I guess what I got you're sacked. I'm handing in my resignation.

God, that was hard to say it. Listen, do you hear about these therapists? This is awful. I'm sorry, listeners. This is horrible. Right. I'm giddy.

End our message therapist. It's because we're going to London. Guys, we've got some time away from the guests. We're going to record some of these. My brother had this beautiful Egyptian woman who was so gentle

he actually ended up falling asleep to Norman's head off. Not quite the relaxing atmosphere I was looking for, but hey-ho. I, however, had this burly man. During the massage, which was agony beyond belief. When he put, it was agony beyond belief, when he put his entire body weight on my cough,

causing me to not be able to walk properly for two days. He's asked for a hard massage, yeah. I was laying face down when I felt some pressure on the back of my head. Knowing that both his hands were on my back, I realized that this was in fact. back his bollocks, which were barely covered in his tiny shorts, which felt like some weird pervertage shayatsu massage as they rolled around on my skull. Oh my God.

Oh, God. He moved to a different area on my back. I then felt something drop onto the palm of my hand. That's right. This guy was dipping his sack into my hand. Tea bag in your hand. Which was a good few inches away from the edge of the table, so definitely not an accident. Oh, he's doing it deliberately.

Found it hard to look him in the eye as we left at the end of the session. It's Ian in Leeds. He hasn't said to keep him in honest. Nice one, Ian. Now, listen. So I'm confused. Do you know if your balls are you balls?

Sorry, right. No, listen. No, no, I just feel like I need me HR representative here again for this conversation. What? Come in, Chris. Hi, Chris. Good to see you, Chris.

Good to see you, Chris. Right, what? Why you've got representation with you? What are you scared of? It's me HR, because you're talking about bullocks. Okay. Okay. All right.

Chris, can we, HR, Chris, can we let it be known that we talk about much worse of stuff than this. To be fair, Chris, can you back down, please, mate?

Chris, can you please, Chris? He's gone. He's gone. Can you please leave? Shut the door on your way out, Chris. Yes, no, I'm talking to you. Right. Your breath stinks.

I have a minute. That's not nice. Right, listen. Yeah. You know this piece of skin on your elbow? Yeah. That's,

you could squeeze that so tight and you can barely feel it. Elephant skin, I'll call it. Or your balls like that? No. Not in the slightest. So you've known if your balls are touching something. 100%.

So what's this broke doing? Two things. Either he's so focused on doing the massage and so focused on doing what must be genuinely quite a complicated thing. I often think how do they make sure they've done the same to both sides. See, okay, right, this is why I don't like massages.

Every time I get, you know what I'm going to say? Every time I get a massage, I listen to the music and I'm like, how do they know when to move? My brain takes over and I start wanting to know all about their job. And I go, when do they know how to move? And then I start counting how many times the touches and what moves they do on each certain side.

And that account and I'm just like, I am not relaxing. I'm trying to work out your system. So I had one once and they did a load of shit to one leg and then they did a lot of different shit at the other leg. And I was like, am I going to walk in circles after this? Well, this is what I mean. If you're not doing the same and then they touch your hand and then I'm getting round and around the car.

Hate it. Hate it. I hate it. So he's either very intent on what he's doing or he's deliberately put his balls on the fella. And he's sick. That's the two options. He's sick.

That's just the two options. Chris, if you could come back, please. Sorry, he's gone. You've upset him. He's left. We need to speak to him about this? Listen, no, it's not his job. Is he a job?

Not for them. Not for that hotel. Everywhere. Also, I blame pornography and massage parlors that are brothels for how sometimes awkward you feel with a massage. Because I was...

Not the places where you go. Yeah, but I was... There's no sex bait. No, no, no, well, the better I bloody not be. Again, they haven't off had me. But I got the forms, I was booking it, and I said, do you want a male masseuse or a female masseuse, or does it not matter? And I just take, doesn't matter, because I thought, if I asked for a woman, am I a pervert?

No, I think you'd rather have a woman, would you not? Well, what's the, no, I thought about it? And I was like, well, what's a difference? I've got my head in the little hole, a little donut hole. It could be fucking anyone. It doesn't matter, as long as they're doing, I don't care. Oh, I want a woman, me. Yeah?

I always want a woman. different for a woman but I was like I'm not lost but I don't think it would be bad if you asked for a woman I think I'd feel like I'd feel like I'd walk in and they'd go here he is

here he is everyone the pervert coming out to be touched by a woman only no but women who got soft of hands that's all I'm thinking I don't want soft of hands I want you to fucking need me soul

I love you in that but just get touched by a woman I'm not giving you a full body massage in the end of day it was a woman and she was brilliant well there you go lovely Yeah.

I don't, like, you're... I suppose a woman can't teabag you. You're allowed to want a woman. Just, no, I tell you right now, because of the men in this world who ruin it for everyone else, in certain situations like that, you feel like a fucking pervert.

Well, I know. But also on the same hand, like, it's not gay if you get a massage of a man. But I think you're allowed to rather have one from a woman. Yeah, that wasn't saying. You're not like homophobic or anything. No, but I just, it just felt weird.

but then again the mate of mine's a physio he's brilliant when he does it it's fucking amazing but I know him oh Chris I don't know it's just you're allowed

to have preferences I would rather get a massage from a woman I think people people with brains like ours shouldn't get massacres because I think you overthinking and I overthink it

oh it's horrible the whole experience is just and I'm like when's this ending and you shouldn't really think about that in a massage should you

you should be really relaxed but I'm like when can I get out of here so I've stopped getting them now or I get a head I like a head massage. Have I ever told you?

This is probably staying, but like, don't get weird about it. I went for a massage, a couple's massage once with a previous girlfriend. Why? I took my ex.

God, I missed them. All them. I miss them all so much. I went for a couple's massage. Yes. It was in the same room. Neither of who enjoyed it and neither of ever could have enjoyed it

in any way because the two massuses were talking to each other. But, really fucking quietly. Oh, that's awful. But like, so like the music's on, and all I could hear, head down,

and she was the same head down was, it's like this, listen, listen. And I was like, I couldn't hear what they were saying. That's so unprofessional. I'd only hear the odd word, and I just lay the whole time, I'm going, what the fuck are the same? Oh, see that, nah, I couldn't do that.

That's so unprofessional. Do you remember when we went? And the wank at the end was terrible. Was it? Did you all I sent your ears, though? I actually loved it. Do you remember when we got that mud thing and it was just really weird?

Yes. What was that? That was at a posh hotel when we weren't together very long and we got like a mud wasn't a matter we had to put mud on ourselves in this little steam room

water room, put mud on you yeah it was odd. Did we massage? Did we massage it off each other? What was it? I can't remember. I can't remember. It was mud.

Did we just wash it off? It was me and mud. We just sat with it on for like 20 minutes and then wash it off. And then your skin feels slightly softer afterwards but you know what wash your face with fairy liquid feels soft

after that's got oh shit wasn't it why did we do that I mean weird that's just experienced for my time in that oh god probably had sex when I got back the room oh no if those mud involved no while I had to have multiple showers you know me well yeah no chance absolutely no chance I did hide up my fanny soon just definitely enough of a deterrent

I think that's one of my favourite phrases hide up me fanny hide up your fanny so there you go brilliant oh can't wait for the kids to listen to this when they're all what I think that's on I'm still having anxiety dreams about the kids listen to this by the way. Yeah. Oh, just because I said something the day,

you know the whole Lily Allen thing that's happened recently. She's done that whole album. I haven't actually listened to yet. She's had a break up and she's doing the album. Because then my first thought was, not first thought, because I think it's empowering and I think it's great. But then I was like, oh, what about the kids?

The kids are going to have to listen to that. And then I was like, what about my kids? My kids might listen to this one day. My talk about how old stuff on me, so I thought, Rosie, you're a hypocrite. Yeah, yeah, huge hypocrite. Huge hypocrite. But, you know, if anything,

you've always admitted that you're a hypocrite. Always, I am a hypocrite. Same. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. As always, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagged Married Anoy.

We love you, I love you so much. We do indeed. Thank you so much. As always, if you want to get a touch at Shagmarynaudit at Gmail.com, please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all that stuff. Nothing else to report.

Nothing for sale. A couple of two are tickets. Oh, the book's out now. The book. The book's out now. A Zipun Army at Christmas. It's in the background day on the video. It's out now.

I think it came out on the sixth. Yes, six. Day after Guy's birthday. No. No. Three days after guy. Official. Look, who knows.

Who knows? He's like the queen. Guy can have as many birthdays as he wants. What day did they take him to the courthouse to get him registered? Registered? Town hall. You've got to take your things to the town hall. We had to take the babies.

All right. Okay. I thought I don't want Guy Falk's getting it. Oh, it doesn't matter. Guys, thank you so much. Bye. Bye.