Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Toenail Barbie

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

On this week's podcast Chris reveals his new Super Power and Rosie considers what intimate objects could make money online. There is some bad dream chat which seems a direct result of Rosie's love of True Crime and Chris shares some AI banter! All of this plus weekly beefs and some brilliant (yet gross) QFTPs! Email the podcast [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode, I've shagged my own annoyed. We discuss my new superpower. AI kissing. Ooh, smoo-smoochy, car wash awkwardness. Got a little bit of shop and beef. I do have shop and beef. I've got big shopping beef with you. All right, all right.

We hear about some of the worst things I've ever heard sold online. Yeah. I get schooled in geography, big style. Begrudgingly, don't you? And I'm really, I'm really sorry about it. Get a bit sad, gets a bit messy. To everyone listening. I'm South America.

All that and more coming up on this week. Shagmarydanoid. Enjoy. Hello, you're listening to Shagmary and Innoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Um, no. Can you please refer to me as my full title from now on, from here on in? I'm not this Chris Ramsey stuff anymore. My full title.

What's that? Be honest with, I just made it up a little while ago. I've got it written down. I will have to read it off the paper, but this has been you full title that I need using around the house. Okay? Yes. The illustrious Baron Ramsey, Lord Ravis.

ruler of the information super highway, keeper of MP3s, protector of MP4s, sworn ally of streaming and master of online gaming. The data king, the megabyte master, the gigabyte god. Baron Ramsey.

Rule of the information super high. So Chris has, bear in mind, this should be my beef actually. Bear of mind, I've been asking you to do this for years. And bear in mind, we've done genuine ads for this.

And every time we've done an ad for it, I'm like, right, well, we need to do ours. like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have managed to sort of, like, put the parental locks on the old... I have... Wifis.

Never felt how I liked me, like. Yeah. Never felt power like me life. Did I have to phone up, and did I have to have the lady on the phone talk us through how to do it, step by step? Damn right, I did. Like an 80-year-old man. But it's sorted now, and I've got,

oh, my God, in the parental... I can literally go in our hub, and I can just... I can disconnect anyone from the Wi-Fi that I want. Please don't do that to me. Well, I know you want to be for a laugh. We'll see how no behaviour goes coming forward. Right.

We'll just see how your behaviour is, depending on what you're in their privileges are. Okay. Depending. All at the mercy of Baron Ramsey, Lord and ruler of the Information Super Highway, you know, one of them, I'll do one of the thumb things that Caesar did.

Great. Actually, sometimes you know what it is I could do with a bit of time off, isn't it? She turned off. It's just time. It is. I'm going to go old school. You know, just times when I'm trying to talk to you

and just watch an Instagram. When it stops, I've just turned it off. Yeah. Oh, sorry, because you never do that. Thanos. Yeah, but you can't turn me off, so I do what I want now. Great.

I am Thanos in our house. It is, honestly, right. You live and die by my sword. You've made your point. Can we carry on? Because this is horrible.

I'm just, I'm so excited to disconnect Robbins' iPad from the internet. I don't know. I can't be arse for that. I can't be arse with that. Oh, I've got a little group

of him and Ray for that and just, it's because I caught him on real Google the other day. And I mean, I don't know what. I don't, I genuinely.

Well, I can tell exactly what he does. He looks to try and get ways of getting better stuff on his stupid little Robox game. And he also, because he plays skate now on the PS5, which is unreal. He looks for ways of getting to the Thai buildings and stuff on. But I was like, are you on the real internet? The real internet? I shit me pants out. So thank you for something that.

Well done. How are you? I'm good. I'm very good. How are you? I'm all right. Do you know what? I'm okay.

Yeah. Yeah, I might have had a little whinge before this, but that's just between you and I. I don't want to bring me negatively. 20 odd minutes late doing the podcast because of your little wind. Don't want to bring me negativity here. So that's fine. No, I am fine.

I think everyone must think I'm absolutely fucked. I promise you, I'm not. I'm not broke. I'm just... Did you win you on the internet? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I always winch on the internet. That's your therapy, isn't it? Just your Instagram stories. Yeah. It actually is. Yeah. Wow.

Hi, guys. I was just having a really hard day to day. My DMs are closed, so this is fucking pointless. Oh yeah. My DMs are closed. so nobody can actually answer is oh it's wild

you know when somebody in the public eye put when they've been trolled and when they've had a horrible message in the post it and like do a screengram I'm like whoa whoa whoa why are your DMs still open to random freakazoid on the internet well I shouldn't have to close them well you shouldn't have

like your fucking front door either but we all do oh my God that is such a good analogy you're good at analogies that is so true that is so true I shouldn't have to close me DMs yeah but yeah people You have to lock your front door. You've got to. It is what it is.

And also, I can't even remember what the thing was before that I said. I can't know where it was. Well, about a door. I don't know. Maybe locksmiths me have upset locksmiths. I don't know.

I'm always just thinking who my upsetting. I don't know. I'm always like, who could get annoyed here? It's a weird way to live. Let's not do that. Let's not. Let's carry on. Listen, it's episode.

Can't say it anymore. Got an email. This is one thing I'm fucking sick of. I got an email of our management just going So we're not going to do episode numbers anymore because the algorithm

doesn't something if it's a fucking... Is that because of the algorithm? It's always because of the fucking algorithm or the charts or something don't meant... So no episode numbers anymore so guys when you're emailing in

you know say they'll have the title of the episode I don't what the fuck's going to go on I'll have to upload all these to get them oh there's just honestly honestly you think I'm having a bad day guys

see I'm having a bad day now. I'm sorry. No, come on. Gives your hand. Listen. Give us your hand. Positive vibes.

Baron Ramsey, Lord of the internet, also has problems with the internet. It's all good. Positive vibes. I also think part of me bad mood is because we are going to London soon. Yes. And we're doing the interviews again. Yes.

And a hell of a lineup for it. We've got some great people coming up. Very excited. I'm really enjoying them. This is shit now. You're actually shitting all over this now. I want another person. No, I'm doing.

So, I. And you were a little bit actually, we've got, we have literally fell off the wagon. Yes. Eat, my. Eat and drink and me. We've just had, we've had a little holiday for the last fortnight. Yes.

Three, maybe's a month actually. Yeah. And so we're kind of back on it now. And I think that's why I'm miserable because today, I've been in the gym. Well, yeah, I've been in the gym. I haven't had any juice. Yeah. Right?

I love juice so much. And I'm on water. And I've had a tin of tuna with half an avocado. Yeah, your breakfast was fucking sad as well. And I was breakfast. And I'm just eating. nuts and grapes and I'm just like... Ah, okay, there it is then. There it is.

I'm... Do you know what it is, Chris? Fucking clamming. Yeah, yeah, that's it. I'm starving. That's what's wrong with us. Yeah, there it is. So there we go.

Okay, well, I'm glad we got the bottom of that. That's fantastic. I think I'm depressed. I'm not, I'm just hungry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. I should put a grape in our mouth. Now, it is episode, isn't it?

And without further ado, it is time for this week's a lucid of a lucre sponsor. And in the vein of what you've been seeing, this week's been getting more my fucking tits recently it is your kids just telling you the hungry

I hate it what do you mean Robin now walks in a room and just goes hungry and I'm like I will

put you through the wall don't let me let me take you back a few years when they used to just scream and you'd go what's the matter

why do and hang on a minute I've got a very very strong memory of you saying, why can't they just tell you that they're hungry? You've got what you wished for. Wind your neck in.

I'd like them to phrase it better. I'd like, Dad, could I have something to eat, please? All right, well, I'm sorry, maybe you need to teach your child some manners. He sometimes walks in and goes, hungry. And I'm like, I want, ah, what do you say? I'd say good. I say, I say, I'd say, I'd say, I'd say, excuse me, Robin, don't say it like that. I say, say, say, what?

And I make them, like, so I've started. So he'd come in and go, I'm hungry. So he doesn't just come in. Sometimes he says hungry. Sometimes he walks in and just says hungry. And I actually send him back out when he says that. I send him back out of the room. I say, come back in and speak to him properly.

Or sometimes he comes in. He goes, I'm hungry. And I'm like, ah, yeah. I'm like, I'm sort of a little bit too warm, but I don't want to hold. I don't know at the door or anything. I'll get a bit cold. I'm a little bit busy.

I'm a bit overwhelmed, if I'm honest. And he just looks at us. And I go, oh, sorry, I thought we'll just tell each other how we feel. And he goes, oh, I want something to eat. And I go, oh, we should just fucking said that in the first place. But that's... He is? He's not.

He's saying, I'm hungry. Right, but that's what... And high hungry I'm dad is hack now. I can't do high hungry I'm dad anymore. It's been done. It's been done to death. I'm so confused that this upset you. It's...

I'll tell you why. No, no, no, no. Let's finish. Let us finish. No. Imagine that. Imagine that in like political debate. Can I finish?

No. I wouldn't suppose. We've got the same kids. What? Well, yeah, them two. The two I'm talking about. The two kids that we've got, I've got loads littered all over the place.

All different ages. Lovely names. All begin with our. So we've got the same kids. They come to me and say, I'm hungry and I'll go, all right, sweet heart. Well, let's get you something to eat. Right.

So it's you then. So it's fucking you. The next time they say, I'm hungry, say, put that in a sentence now. or I'm throwing all of food in the bin. It's not. Can I have something to eat? I'd much rather have that.

I'm hungry, just irritates us. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why I'm triggered. This is so, I don't agree with this. Oh, right. Why are you talking about all your exes? Because I miss them. I miss them all.

I miss them all so much. You've only got any. No, no, exactly. I'm boring. The girlfriend I had the past used to just go, would be sitting and she would just go hungry. She would just say it. And it used to get us so fucking irritated.

Okay. Please don't then bring that into anger with our children. Basta, I just find it. Is it our children? I suppose they are children, yeah. Weirdly, it doesn't even know

is that what when Rave does it? Well, Washington was, Hungry. I don't think I've ever heard him just say hungry. I think it might just do that for you. Well, I send them out.

Hungry. Hungry. It is a very passive aggressive. Oh, that's all. It doesn't do it to me. But then actually, you know what is? When I've got them,

I just feed them at the right times. They don't have to. to tell me because they've already been fed. I'm too busy I'm too busy for all over the information about how are you in our house. Great, great. So they.

I'm on my last grape. Let's all, let's all cry. I've had it up to here with you. I'm up by, you're on my last grape. You're getting on my last grape. No, I'll catch on it.

You're going on to her. That was terrible. Hey, hey, the can't all be cool. We had to fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle So this is the jingle

Jingle Jingle We hope you like the jingle Jinggo Jingo Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Bhabo do Bhabo do ba Jingo

Hey all Welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Meritanoid I've been listening to a lot of American podcasts they don't give a flying fuck over there Yeah

They're honestly So refreshing Say whatever they want It's mad Yeah I think it comes in Spits and Cycles and I think they went through the super weird thing

that we're sort of going through with comedy and things at the minute and then I think I think you come out at the other end of it I think I'm sure you do I mean it's not that bad

it's just yeah yeah I had I know I don't like to talk about dreams I know it's all right I'm okay to talk about dreams I had a horrible dream last night right

so horrible I can't even tell you right I can't even tell you oh this is a good chat so yeah just want I just need to stop watching true crime

oh right okay Okay, I understand. It's a warning. It's a warning to me. So you can't give up any clues at all. Well, I either need to stop watching true crime or I have dreamt up a plot of a really good thriller. Did I ever tell you about the time I woke up in the morning?

I woke up in the middle of the night. I dreamt like an amazing idea for a sitcom and I wrote it down to me four and half asleep and I was like, that's fucking genius. And then someone did it? No, and I walk up next morning I read it. It was scrubs. It was just scrubs.

I don't know about scrubs. I'd dreamtrod scrubs. I hadn't realized. I'd woke up half asleep but I'd... Oh, this is such a good. This is going to be great. It's going to run for hundreds of series.

Voice over, quick edits to jokes like family guy. It was just... Well, I might genuinely, I might send this off to someone. Okay, then. But anonymous, it was really bad. Was it horrible? If I say it, I think you'll just get cut. Right, okay, right, well, no.

And you were in it. Was that? Mm-hmm. Okay. What was that? Was that good of you or baddie? I mean, do you want us to tell you? It'll just get cut.

Well, just tells if I was a good ear of baddie? You were the baddie You were the baddie Yeah, yeah, yeah Fully-blown, you are horrendous Do I know what you were doing? Well, no, I don't want to get a cup But was I, was I nasty?

Was I being nasty? I thought you had a bit of an attitude with me This morning when you woke up Maybe it was? Was I being, was I doing bad things? Yeah. Oh God. Do I know?

No? Well, go on then. But you've got to just I'd want to laugh It's not funny at all But it's like, it was a dream It was a dream Dress it up a bit like

And it's totally not funny Right at all right you were was it was it killing killing and attacking

or was it worse than killing and attacking right you were it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone

babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo right what's happened now is all of the audio what Rosie's just said has been cut and there's been an actual little bit of a time

where I had to leave the room and wash me face slightly that's one of the worst things I've ever heard I know it was really bad what's wrong with you no

the band died and there was blood all over in the swim pool stop I need to stop watching. Problems.

Not even horror. Why am I getting dragged into this perversion? It was so, it was you. It was you and it wasn't you. It was sort of you, but it wasn't you. Does that make sense? I don't think it was you and I was watching from like somewhere else.

It was just fucking grim. Great. That's why you walk up with four in the morning and leave wide awake for hours. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Stop watching them and listen to them before begged.

Watch something fun and happy. Can I suggest a sick of him I came up with called Scrubs? It's really good. I do like scrubs. Get them on E4 or four player I just don't, like the funny stuff. It's great, and I do like lighthearted stuff. We started watching Stath Let's Flats again, didn't we?

Unreal. Yeah, yeah. But you've got permission to watch that one, that was, right? Because it's amazing. Oh, I know, okay. But I like gripping stuff. At the minute, I've started watching my £600 life on Prime. Pound LBS.

Yeah. Yeah, like, not money, like, weight. Gosh, it's interesting. So, stop watching the Howard and stuff before bed. I will. Because that means I always have to get up with the kids while you have a bit of an eye in because you've lay in some kind of trauma, fever, awake state.

Thank you. I don't believe it for one second, but whatever. But you know what it is? I can't just turn your iPad off for the internet. Oh, there you go. Do what I want? Should I send that off to anywhere, though? Do you think it's got legs?

No, you should send that off to Room 101, get rid of it, try and forget it. One of the worst things I've ever heard. Did you ever do Room 101? No. Okay. Not even when it was a panel show. No?

No. Never did it. What would you put in it? that thing you just said that thing you just said yeah and your entire mouth if you're ever going to try and say that again

there it is right I went out on Saturday night to see me mates yes I've got like a big group of mates and then you've got like smaller factions of mates so I say a smaller group of them quite a lot but then whenever I go and say the big ones

it's always great it's like you know they're really good friends but when you just go in and bang it's just like is of all you know what I mean It's like you've never left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I always get to catch up on sort of certain things that's been happening.

Oh, is this what you haven't told us? This is what I haven't told you. Oh, okay, this is exciting. So I went in and just as I sat down in the pub, two of the lads were going to one and the other lads. This is a direct quote, you're fucking sick. You're sick, man, there's something wrong with you.

You need to pack it in. What's wrong with you? And the rest of them are laughing, and the one they were talking to was really laughing, right? Right. So I didn't know this, but what this one does, this one lad, right?

whenever they go out they go to the football matches and they go to the pubs and stuff like that whenever they go what he does is he always gets a selfie with one of the lads right or gets two of the lads to sit and go

yeah lads let's take a photo he is and has the two lads sit and holding their pints up takes a photo with him and then the next time he sees them he's AI generated a video of that photo turning into a passionate kiss between the

right it's just his thing It's just what he does, right? And I was like, why? Like, he does it all the time. Like, he's fucking, he's fucking perfect, man.

He keeps doing it. So it's like, AI, this incredible thing. Yeah. Like, the things that are amazing. And he's just using it to just get photos of either either mate or two of the other mates

passionately neck on. You can't neck on your own. You can't kiss on your own. Okay, sorry. So you're always him and a minute. Right. So you follow him on one of the lads neckin on. All be all out of the YouTube

and you send it to the group and it'll be for the video with him. Brilliant. I love that. It's hilarious, right? Apparently it's a thing on TikTok. I was talking to Carl Litzersen about this morning. Appointing's a thing on TikTok

where people take photos of people and they go over and show me a video of them two kissing. People like chase, like people out of pubs and stuff and chasing them out. Apparently, it's like a thing. Anyway, this is where the plot thickens. So the one that were kicking off about hugely, because it's just funny and it's harmless, right?

But the one that were kicking off about the most, the one, you're fucking sick, man. You're sick in the head. One of the lads had been at that pub on Tuesday night and bumped into that lad who makes the videos as ma'am right i'm trying to figure out who it is i've don't want to say anyone's names i've got guesses right i've got me guesses he bumped into that lad who makes the video as his mom right okay so he took a selfie of him he's mom and was like yeah mate i'm out with your mom and even though it's his own mom oh he turned the he did a video off his mate necking on

with his mom stop eight and he's the short as it and i went who's that he went it's just fucking Mom? Oh no. He literally went, I met his mom in this pub, and I'd send him a photo to see, well, hey, look, I'm out with your mom. Next thing I know he's made a video. Right.

Well, I thought the funniest thing would be if the friend who took the selfie with the mom had made the video and sent it to him. No, no, no. But he just made it. Yeah. And this is the funniest bit for me. The guy who makes all these videos,

I went, how do you even know how to do that? I went, do you have to sign up? Like, what do you? I've got it's cap cut. He doesn't know how to do it. So he just sends the same. selfies to a mate of his who makes the

kiss he went oh I don't know I'll do it I'll send them to me mate I went you've got a mate who

no questions asked we'll just take a photo of any two people like you send him just quickly made them and then send it back to you I can do it if you want to get in

on the crack I can do it funny one thing for me is as well AI like the scene or the machines will take over and whatever

if the machines take over whatever bit of AI that's been doing this for him's gonna need fucking the humans that just kept sending his photos just endless photos and I just had to keep making them kids

everyone people's moms dogs cats that's not as nice when you can hug a dead person well them that's a one that's quite nice yeah so yeah but oh god there's one at the minute during the rounds I think where someone where people are hugging like them as a kid it's like and then I mean it's sweet but a lot of them are like if only I could

could have told you what I know now it's just like okay I wouldn't I wouldn't tell younger me anything No I mean no Not a single thing I wouldn't not

I don't know I think it's nice for people who were a bit tired of a trauma I'd have said just fucking I'd have said to me just winding up In fact no I know exactly what I would have said

Yeah I thought would have changed my life hugely I think What I would have said Shut up No I would have said In the first year of year seven

do not tell everyone in your class that you can't wait to stick some chewing gum under the desk because that followed you around for the entire of your school Oh yeah, that really did. I'd have probably said to myself, you know, you're going to shake yourself at school one day so just go to the toilet

don't be scared. I was scared to ask to go. Don't be scared to ask, just go because that... But again, character building. I mean, what if... What if I hadn't said, I can't wait to stick the chewing gum under the desk and what if I'd become like,

I'd have fucking up, so. Popular. If I hadn't had said that, the next thing I said would have been stupid. Oh yeah, yeah. I'd have fucked up anyway. I think fucking up's good.

It's good. Carrier building. It is carot building. Yeah, yeah. Damn, homie. In high school, you was the man, homie. What the fuck happened to you? You don't know the words.

No, I don't. I think you just made that up. G. J.C. 50 cent. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo. Now, I don't know if you actually know this about me, but I may have mentioned it before.

I hate getting the car washed I hate it I find why are the car washers so uncomfortable when they're washing your car I think I've taught about this as well in the past I absolutely detested

Do I just stand here? It's horrible I hate it so much do I watch them do I not watch them Well yesterday it was was pretty bad I went and got to wash it took ages and literally the guy I mean they're dead Canny they're lovely and they do a really good job the guy

I brought it down when he wrote he's like it took them ages and I'm sat there with the money for ages

and he opened the car and he's like outside very dirty you know when you're like okay

yeah all right thanks so now but I just don't understand I'm taking it there to get clean because I'm very aware that it's dirty

but now but now I'm being judged by how dirty it is that tells me that your car was thought do dirty. He'll see some dirty cars.

Yeah. I think I'd left it too long. They had to get the, he had the spray out and you know when they used their nail and that and I was like, oh, God, oh, that's upsetting. On the window. Oh, on the window. Well, maybe somewhere else. I don't know. On the window. I think it's, I don't know. I think it's off the tree in the, in the drive. But yeah, it's just like,

outside very dirty. I was good. I made, fuck sick. Like, that's why, that's why I'm here. Yeah. I hate shit like that, though. I know what you mean. Well, again, it's the same as when you go the shops and they're like, hey, how much you bought? What, I'm getting the big shop in, fuck me. I know, I know. Like, what the fuck?

Just fucking people's comments when you're going to do stuff. This is why I don't get my nails, sorry. I don't get my nails done very often because I pick all my nails and every time I get them done they're like, eh, what do you do with your nails? And I'm like, yeah, love. I pick them. I just don't want you, just do me nails. I don't need the judgment of what I do to me fucking nails.

Hence why I've never had my vagina wax. Because I can't, I've not, I can't. Oh God I'm really sensitive What are you doing now at you? No do you mean? What do you mean? All it would take was a raised eyebrow

or something I would be like Right, my vagina's disgusting So there you go I am, I am quite sensitive I'm upset Oh, fucking out Very dirty Very dirty

And then And then the worst bit I'm getting flashback And they open the car door and this was after he's very dirty comment because that was on the opposite side he opened me car door and my car door the inside the door

oh yeah it's been it's right out just he just looked at it as like yeah I told you didn't know when I when I used to have a Tesla when I got a Tesla and I realised there was no compartments in the door I could have kissed the bloke I took a selfie you mean the bloke

and I got it turned in the AI Oh course you did yeah I was so happy Sent you mate Yeah and what I hate about get my car washed It's the you know the bit where they make you come forward just a bit just a full rotation of the wheel.

Oh, it's wild. I didn't realize how far. It's quite a while, in it? So it's to rotate the wheel fully so that they're spraying it one way and then so that you rotate it again so the spray at the air so they're getting all the angles.

Yeah, yeah. It's fucking, a full rotation of a wheel is pretty far. But it's that they go, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Stop! Come, come, come, come, come. Come, come.

I'm like, oh, yeah, it's so fucking stressful. And the sense has beep all the time, honestly? It's going to get very dirty. because I'm not going back. Have you ever heard I've sometimes left the automatic washers on

automatic wipers on and then the spray the window and then the windscreen might start that pisses them off that pisses them off something like that

I can imagine I mean they're working bloody hard I give them a nice tip because they're spent I always tip them nonstop they're taking me cough

for ages because it's fucking scruffy I know you disgrace babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for what's your beef what's your beep

what's your beep what's your beep right would you like you go first I can do okay yesterday we were having a very serious discussion and you decided to fart really loudly during it

and I just find I just didn't appreciate it at all I apologised profusely it was a very serious heart-to-heart what having I hate farting I do apologise I hate other love my own there it is hate it when anyone else's thoughts don't mind the kids fart Rief's all getting ripe

rife doesn't make it what's wrong with him? He doesn't make much noise. No, they just go, they go, they go, f. It's exactly out, do it. Like that,

and then they hit you. Like that, and you go, that's going to be bad, that one life. He's just pure, he's missed our cheese sandwich. It's all he eats at school.

The teacher had, the teacher's omnis on the morning. We need to stop because it's just, the teacher pollers, he was like, so he just chooses cheese sandwiches

every day I went, yeah, so I've heard. Yeah. I just, Yeah. Going through the dinners, bleh, blah, bleh. That noise is upsetting when he does that.

Oh, it's like... I was bad. I was really bad. I know. Robin eats like you did. I, like, really, it's like me. It just is what it is. But yeah, in my defence, that thought,

I thought it was going to be a silent one. It was anything but, it was long. All right, I misjudged it. Obnoxious. It was intrusive. It was awful. It was bad. I don't know of it smelled because I did move.

I apologized quickly and profusely a good few times, and I'm still. apologize now I'm very sorry there's no need for that you do you do a lot of public farting actually yeah yeah I don't know yeah a bit much bring it in well we had our friends were around the other day my one of my best mates is where partners was doing your hair yeah and me and him had been out for a few pints in a curry than I before so I had to keep going in the garden to check on stuff to check on stuff I was just walking in the garden coughing really we knew what I mean we all knew what you were doing well yeah I was telling you said I'm going

No, but you said I'm going outside from my coughs. Yeah, from me cough. It's great. My beef with you. I don't know how you possibly could because I have been a joy. This is something I only just realized the other day. This is something I only just really noticed that I've got a problem with the idea. And I didn't really realize.

Every time this happens, every time I have to do this thing, I dread it and I didn't realize why. And now I know why. Me? So you came in the idea with the shopping. So whenever you've been, I dread when you've been to a big supermarket. Why? And you come back with the shopping and you go, can I have a hand unpacking the shopping? There is fucking zero, zero correlation between what you have in each bag.

I cannot pack. I get so stressed. I'll get so stressed. It's horrible. I have to go through. I open the bag. Don't pull a baby face at me. I open the bag and I'm like, what's going on here?

There's literally like packets of mince. wrapped in like new pyjamas. No, no, I'm not that bad. I'm telling you, you fucking do like. I do not. There's literally slippers with chicken in them. No, that's true. Light bulbs in with the milk.

Picture frames with fucking packs of crisps on them. There's no correlation. When I do that, I get everything out of the basket and I put it on the, I put it on the conveyor belt in sections, like the generation game. No, but how did you, what, with a trolley? How do you do that with a trolley?

Because I do it as I'm putting in the trolley, I keep everything sectioned up. Oh, God. Well, good for you. I haven't got that much time. my hands. You take longer in the shops than me.

I hate the way I pack. I will actually half, I half join you. I join you at the middle. I meet you in the middle for this. I hate packing. I find it really stressful.

I hate, I hate the way that the judge you're packing and the baths everything so quick, me, it's really upsetting. But as well, this is another problem. It's because in some shops

I've got the scanner because I've got the app in other shops. I just don't. And I could get it. I just haven't got it. Every time, I think,

What shop is it where there's one of the big ones that I haven't got it and I'm like Rosie you come here all the time get it I know what you mean I've only got it for one of them

yeah I should get it for the other one but just stop it because it's awful I can't wear them pyjamas now I'm never get rid of it I have not

I know I'm really good with the meats I am I would happily mince around this house in jarmas that haven't been covered in mince but they've been covered

mince so I can't mince around this house there'll be no mince in our house so they are going in the wash to yourself But actually, you know what it is, weirdly, another mate of mine. Did I say, have I said this already in the podcast? Mate, my name was that the other night. I mean, you haven't said anything yet.

No, no. Normal bloke. Let's go ahead and see it. He's a really normal bloke. Okay. He's not highly strong, a high maintenance in any way, shape or form. But he absolutely swears by, as soon as he buys new clothes from the shop, straight in the wash.

Will not wear them straight out of the shop, straight in the wash. Um, always says some, in his words, some manky bastard could have had them on in the shop. I actually really agree with this. I bought a golf. top the other day and halfway around the course. Honging. I sniffed myself and I went that's not me. Yeah. I've done

it before. I've worn a new top on a night out and I've stank. Yeah. And I've thought this is someone's worn this and took it back or something. These fucking flies. There's somebody died in here. Oh you got it? Make a wish. No. Oh, it survived. Whoa.

Bionic fly. It's on the laptop. Well, let it live. Let it live. It's not doing any harm. Tell your friends! Yeah, don't fucking come back, you little It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public? Public.

That's the best one we've done for a while. Right on sync. Well done. Fist bump you. As, what are you doing? I've just had a burp. Lurking. Lurking.

As always, if you'd like to get in touch a chagged, Married, annoyed at gmail.com. I'm going to start off with one. And we haven't had something like this for ages. It's very much, it's a what people will buy online. but this one this one is interesting all right okay not what not what you'll think straight away

okay hello the Ramsey family kids aren't here hopefully they're never going to listen for a long long time but that's just my fever dreams got you anyway quite recently I decided to do something

a bit different me and my partner are a bit kinky so we thought we tried to profit from it yeah all right we started off selling underway on a base website we got a few orders really simple and ended up selling around eight

pairs used underway yeah I'd yes hello nothing hello welcome to shagmarydanoid the podcast this is not gonna be this is not basic message not just basic worn for a few days you know what I mean what's that got to do being kinky I don't know great go on then I am I noticed that when I been in the gym, if I go to the loo after, my knickers, if I've got like, not black knickers, I've got light-coloured knickers, like the sweat that forms around my crotch area is insane. And I sometimes do think in the back of my mind, especially when I read this, I thought, I could sell them.

Awful. Is that weird? Yes. That's really weird. It's really awful. But it's true, though, because it's like in a perfect... Sorry? Because if you think of your knickers, right, if you think of the crotch bit, well, my knickers, think of my knickers. I don't know. Come on. really cast your mind back really hard. Okay.

They're just the, like, the pasty-colored ones, like the pastel-coloured ones. Like the bit, that's in the middle, okay? The liner, the crotch bit, it's just a perfect sort of like, there's like a dry bit in the middle. And round the sides is like sweat patches. And I just think, I think I could sell them. If I took a picture of them straight away,

oh my God, on the toilet, like at the floor. wrap around my uncles. Holy shit. No? Okay. Right. You ready? Everything about that made me sad. Why? Someone would buy it as well.

Loads we would buy. Do you know what it is? I'm not being funny. Honestly, I've got quite a lot of followers. I could sell. Not on your main internet. Do it on a basic website. We'll do on your main Instagram. Fucking hell. Don't tag me in it if you do.

Oh God. Rosie, why did the telework dry up? I don't know. Might have been around the time I told them Nickas online. Ironically, ironically, it was when we knick has got soaking that it dried up.

Okay, well, listen to this, Azjordas dried up. We tried another website and this took things to a whole new, extreme level,

all right? You're going to be thinking my wet panties on now, compare to this. I hate these people so much. From the moment I joined, I realise people

don't just sell underway. They sell everything. And yes, Chris, you're going to feel sick. I do. I'm already... Okay? upset.

To name just a few things people will buy, this is an example, girlfriend experiences. Like being your girlfriend for 24 hours. Or ignore calls, where people pay to phone you and you just ignore them. Sorry, that can't be a thing.

Clearly. Well, buy you know that fucking phone, put it in the other room on silent, bring that. But you know that you're doing that. There's no thrill there. There's no thrill in them. not ignore. I understand getting

a load of getting given a load of shit on the phone. I understand if you're going to phone them and they're picked up and go fucking leave me alone, you're a purve? I am a purve. Ignore them. Girlfriend experience. What, do you have to go around and see them? Is that not just an escort? Girlfriend experience being a girlfriend for 24 hours. Maybe it might be, well, yeah, basically sort of an escort. But it might just not be the other stuff. Like,

maybe it's just go at the cinema, hold hands and stuff. Right. Like, a wife experience could be just come round the house and knock them. for 24 hours. Get nagged. Just get nagged. So you can understand that.

Get shouted out. Ignoring calls is really weird. But okay. Yeah. But I won't mess around. I'll get straight to the dirt. Oh, God. Chris, you're not going to like this,

but Rosie, I think you'll find it hilarious. We'll see. Here are some of the things for sale, though I haven't done all of them. This is one of them. Spit, chewed up sweets, put back in the bag and sent off. Prison.

Get a prison. On bed hair, pubic hair. And even way. electric chair. You're right. Straightly electric chair. If you've bought that, honestly,

get in the queue, get that wet sponge on your head, sit yourself down. Zapy zap. You've got the pro-wet spoon. Does that still happen with the wet sponge? I'll bring it back for this. It was dry.

Remember what was it? Did it on purpose, didn't he? And Green Mile? That was harboring. Unbelievable film. Brilliant, I might watch that again, actually. Listen, don't talk about it. Don't talk about it anymore

because what you're going to do in my brain you're going to link the Green Mile and this fucking shit And next time I watch the Green Mile, I'm going to remember this. No, no, all right. Move on. Middle jungle. Oh, middle jungle.

Stop it, man. That's a good film. Now, here's what I have done. So she hasn't done any of that. Oh, hey, I actually don't know. So there was chewed up spit put by... Chewed up, no, like a sweet. Like, you know what, elf?

When he does all of the... So just chewed up, sweets, put back. And that's fine. I mean... It's not fine. Someone's paying for that. Oh, God. And now, and what?

Pubes and hair and piss. Yeah. Now here's what I have done. The weirdest one Postman I know This is what I thought I just thought

Of our lovely The every people In our DAGEL Yeah yeah They're all dead cany I just thought These poor buggers Having to carry around this shit

Perversions The weirdest one I know And I know it's come up On your podcast before Was toenails 15 quid 15 quid for the toenails

I'm sorry Bargain But the strangest By hot for For 15 quid. Yeah, but they don't fucking...

I'll see, okay, I'm blue-ticked. I'd get more for my toenails. Right. Hashtag verified. Awful. Come on then. Combined together, us. No, it's mine. We could get 250 quid for our toenails.

Promise you. I can imagine we could, but I'm not going to... It's not happening. Well, we'll just see how it goes. But the strangest by far has to be, my Hoover contents. Sold? I don't know how much.

Right. Hoover contents. Right. 20 pound. Go on fuck off. No. No. Someone's just bought.

She's emptied a fucking hoover or carry a bag and send it. So they know she's a woman with a house. It doesn't say whether this is a male or female or or everybody in the tree. I have to imagine here

that some dirty pervert is just opening a bag of just dirt from someone else's house and getting off on the fact that it's just a load of dirt from someone else's house and maybe porn it on themselves and maybe wanking with it and that.

Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck? I just don't think of anything worse. We're not empty that Hoover. Two seconds. What? Yep. He's on the phone.

Yeah, send it. Yeah, send it now. Straight away. Yeah. Yeah, now, we're done. We're done. Send it. Thank you.

Cheers. Just God, he's sending the media. Oh. Send him to meet you right. Do you be even got now? I've ordered it straight away. Whoever. I've ordered the meteoride.

Just finish it. We're done. Just, I just find the Hoover contents one. very dusty. When we empty the Hoover, it's like, you put it in the back, we've got a Dyson,

so you like, empty like a trumpet, isn't it? Boom, bomp, bum, bum, it's horrible. Yeah. But then the dust comes back in your face.

Yeah, I absolutely hate doing it. So what I do is I empty it, then I quickly shut it, and then I turn it on, and all the dust that's come up, I suck it all out like a whirlwind. I think you'd be better off buying your bin, your bin liner.

I'd rather have your bin liner. Can I just... It actually gets worse, but let's just keep good. this isn't that bad well Tony isn't a bit of Hoover content no but it's just right the point is right you know when you go for like a job interview

or whatever or you know I mean I haven't been for a job maybe like a yeah maybe like I don't know like an assessment at work or something I'll look over what you've been doing and how you're being working yeah okay I'll get you an appraisal or whatever

something like that and you sit down imagine like imagine there is a god and there is heaven and we go on the end of this yeah I hope there is and we I'd love it if that was true and we go and we sit down and imagine it's like an office and you're sitting and you're waiting and you go through

and they've got your life and they're just going through most things you could be like right yeah I shouldn't have done that or whatever imagine when he gets to the page of and you you used to just got to just yeah section 40 and eight

you buy you buy piss and toenails and who have contents off the internet and you take them home and you master it with them Do you want to just... Nobody said anything about masturbating them with them. What's you doing with them? I don't know.

All right, well, okay. Well, you buy all them in the internet, right? What are you doing with them? Yeah. Bear in mind, I am God and I know if you're lying. Well, yeah, he knows. Trapped door. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think this person buying the Hoover content? It's male or female, just out of interest. Are you joking? There's absolutely no chance at that as a woman. It's a fucking tiplet. There was no fucking chance on this earth. No woman would buy Hoover contents.

No. Not in a million fucking years. I don't think any women would buy toenails neither honestly, these are fucking gross These are actually lifting Why? Sorry! Why am I getting attacked? Not all of years. Not all of years.

Come on to the good stuff then. Howie? I'm just saying now I think if you had an erection and you saw Hoover contents I don't think you would lose your erection. You don't think I would... Right, right, okay, I've got a... Right, okay. I'm full mast, I'm ready to go.

I'm ready to go, right? In what scenario are these Hoover contents being? Right, okay, we've got a dog. Right. And the dogs brought the hoover in, it's broken, and it's fell all over the floor. And what are we doing at that point? You're just about to put it in.

No chance. It's gone. You've got no chance. You've got absolutely no chance. You better, here, sit at the vibrate and finish yourself off. That's the line from Ali G in the house. Yeah, you've got no chance. Right, great.

It's done. Listen, listen to this. Too good to miss. Tra la la la la la. Do you know I went, I went fully off getting a, a dog today. Why? So the garden has dogs here today, Paddy. My favourite dog in the world. I love him, right?

And I was in the house this morning telling you how much I love the dog while he was outside. I'll go like, look at Paddy, look at him, isn't he handsome boy? He's lush. So you know the massacre on the drive of like the pigeon or whatever the hell went on the other day? Oh yeah, was he eaten? You put it on Instagram. So all that's left of it, because all of the rodents and things during the night of eight and I haven't fucking moved it.

All that's left of it is like two wings attached with like shoulder bones or whatever. That's still there. I was there. It was there. I was stroking him and then he walked over to it and he got it up and he put it in his mouth and he had a wing hanging out of each mouth

looking like if he ran fast enough he'd fucking take off and he was just crunching it. He was cora, like that. When he was bringing it up, he was crunching it and I was going get away in the garden and went, he's a dog, it's what he does. I went, well, I'm never getting one.

No, I know. And they're not like, they're not cute when they like that when they do stuff like that. Vile. I know. And sometimes they'd like eat their own vomiting. I'm all right. I've gone right off at me. We'll just borrow kids. We'll borrow Bersie.

Listen. Horrible. And you're going to just... Right, we're not even at the good bit yet, right? Calm down. Please don't think badly of me when I tell you this next part. Too late. It's definitely the worst.

And Chris, you're not going to like it at all. But hey, everyone needs some pocket money. I'm upset that she knows my name. I'm upset that she's speaking to me. You don't know if it's a woman. Oh, except me and my partner are kinky. Yeah. Right.

Okay. So it could be. two women or two men or a man and a woman. Okay, fair enough. Could be any. Okay, okay, okay. One guy paid me to douche myself in the bath.

You know what douching is? I love that about duching. Okay, it says here, Chris, if you don't know where it is, Google it. Don't you dare, don't you dare, don't you dare say, then send the water. Do you want to explain what douching is to our friends?

Clean your bum out. You're cleaning your bum out. You stick like a hose up your backside. You clean your bum out. Yeah. I didn't realize it was a thing until I saw a comedian talk about it. I've known about it for years.

I've got a lot of gay. male friends who do it quite regular yeah yeah it's I often think it must be quite quite good

I had a I've never done it myself I had chronic irrigation once I would love that you know unbelievable I would love it I would love it I don't know if it's

did they still think it might not be that good for your chronic irrigation because it gets rid of all a good bacteria as well as the bad bacteria I think gets rid of everything starting again

possibly possibly but that's the worst that's that that is what and I'm telling you now it's a man by the way it's a hundred percent

the man who's right in this year I apologize. It's a man who's just, who knows my name. So, once I'd finished cleaning, I had to collect the water with all the bits in it, put it in a bottle and send it to him. Him caught, I mean, it was never. That was never. Oh, fuck.

Argument, was it? That's just... Along with that, I also sent my foot dust, which I scraped off and sprinkled in a pasta for him to eat. He's getting dumb. You ever heard of Deliveroo? You're fucking pervert. Yes, you read that right. horrific. I don't know what I'm

about, I'll finish this and then we'll find out which one is more upsetting. The first one? Although then again. I'm sorry. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. I love pasta and the thought of somebody scraping the crusty heel on my spag ball

is... I suppose to be fair. Absolutely vile. There's something about, the first one is so on the nose and blatantly vile. Dushy's ass, he's kept the water, he's sending away awful. Prison, murder. There's something worse about the pasta. I agree. Because the pasta's like...

You might change your mind. Snide. To finish, to finish, he has his reply after he drank it. And yes, he even sent me a video. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention. Sorry.

It's for human consumption. He drank it? The douche water. I thought he just wanted it like a lot of a lamp in the corner of his room. No, the douche water is for drinking purposes. My eyes are...

I'm nearly retching. My eyes are watering. Chris, well, do you? just stay in that position. He even sent me a video of himself doing it, showing his tongue with the floating bits. His final message to me was, thank you for eating sweet corn.

I was so pleased to see it in there. Has. I know. Rewened my, and I'm telling me this right now, month. I love sweet corn. My month is ruined. That's why I don't like sweet corn.

You'll be glad to know. This is my first email, though I've been a long time listener, being aboard your view in you're both in concert and Chris wants and I book tickets for the future tour

Chris is also a big crush for me oh there you go hey maybe you'll get mate's rate little discount please keep me anonymous

look again you know if there's a market for it oh no I'm sorry are these people you know you stand next to these people in the supermarket some of them

got a little top of wave pasta are in there in their bag. I just don't know at what point you think I would love to drink someone's arse water. It's just horrible. Honestly, I think if I, this, oh, this carbonara,

I'll pay nicely with a bottle of lukewarm arse water from another postcode. Just don't get it. I don't get it. I kind of get, I get gimsuits and all that, and you understand the orgies and I've been my eyes being open to a lot of stuff. but the drink of the

drinking of the ars juices just sent me over the edge but someone not even he's not even there that's just sent doesn't even know him could have just got some mud out of the garden and mixed it

no I mean the person's well you would know the taste one of these obviously nobody's obvious he'd have to stick mud up his awesome oh you mean he could have done that look I don't think I want to discuss this anymore I'm done so ma I'm sorry

it's been a while since I had a really it's aged me that like awful one that's aged me that like I'm sorry just one Super comedy Go on the car back Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo babadoo

Babadu babadu babadu Hello from Oregon USA Oh nice Hello Why are we so excited But honestly Just 90s kids

Who've grown up watching American films and TV I know The fact that someone's That's amazing Hello It's crazy It's crazy

Hi It's crazy, hi Seriously long time Listener Before lockdown First Time emailer Love you Thank you

Your Bum a summer best of series reminded me of my very own childhood toenail story. My dad is kind of an outdoorsman, always hiking and hunting and working on the family car of his fishing boat. He's like proper American dad. He's like real American dad.

What kind of shirts he got on, Rosie? Tropical? What, no? No, he's got one of them, one of them, what's got the square pattern on? 10%. Yeah, like one of them shirts. You must have.

Yeah, like, yeah. You know what I mean? I can say him. dude, I can say. Yeah, yeah. It smells like

sweat, but nice sweat. Right, you know. Right. This is something totally different. I'm going down

like a war rabbit hole on the Peloton because it makes us run faster from watching stuff, war movies, love them. All I think about is what they smell like.

It's all I can think about. It's ruining the full films. They're in the trenches and all I can think is it's fucking sticking in it. Yeah, yeah. Right. But I think they had more

to worry about than that. Well, of course they do, but at the same time. I can't stop thinking about it When I was little I think something heavy must have fallen on his big tone

Or he just heard it hiking All I remember is that it got very thick And it turned black And eventually it fell off Lovely Boo, I think I was about four or five years old And used to really abuse

Some of my Barbie dolls One in particular I know I did the same Right You know the Barbie film We had Barbie is so relatable You haven't seen it

But there's a Barbie doll character that is just like all his hair cut off like pen on our face because we all we all really savagely

attacked at Barbie that we owned just one just one just one want to destroy something beautiful yeah we did it I did it dogs

like little pet dogs and everything like I had toys toys toys obviously I pretended that I had a vets and stuff and we used to like cut them open and I take their insides out and I like stitch them back off

I'm just rosy. Oh God, okay. Just same. I mean Katie's do it all the time. So listen. Maniacs. One in particular. I've got many haircuts and tattoos added to her.

My dad thought it would be funny to fashion her a sun visor from his torn. Oh! Like, like, inventive, very clever. Horrible. This is horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's one of the worst things I've ever heard.

10 out of 10 for how ingenious that is. I'm sorry. I would not have let one of my dad's manky black toenails on my Barbie's head. Son vise out of his manky toenail. That's it's ingenious. I'm on board of that. I'm disgusted.

I am disgusted. Don't get us wrong. I'm not going near it. Yeah. But hey, 10 out of 10 for originality. It gave a lot of joy to the house, though, listen to this. As we got older, we would hide the Barbie doll with her tied-on visor in various places to prank each other, like in drawers, coat pockets, or lunchbox for work.

That's great. That's great. Eventually, the toenail visor was lost. We couldn't find her clothes, and the Barbie's head came off. It would just be a naked doll body. We would hide to prank each other. This stopped around when I was 15 or 16, and I just figured we had lost the doll. I kind of love pranks like that, though, through families.

I like that they did. I like, like, it must have just. just being every time they found it somewhere. I mean, can we just talk for a moment? The tied-on visor. I thought glue would have been better. Well, I imagine, if it's tied on a little bit of string, that means the toenail's so

disgusting and thick that he's been able to drill a hole through either side of it to tie some stuff on to then tie around the barbie-set. What a toenail that must have been. Can I just say, though, where did that toenail go? Yeah, they just randomly lost it. That's funny. Dog probably ate it, something like that. Oh, God, that's gross.

Sorry, we were a bit gross today. It is a bit gross to do. I'll not be... The next one won't be gross Of course. That's all right. I like grossness. Okay.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I am cabin crew for a very British airline. I want to share my most memorable story from my 10 years of flying. Ten years. I'd only been flying for around three months

and a little innocent 23-year-old. I was loving the fact I got to travel all around the world and all I had to do was serve diet, coax and juice once a week until this flight to Mexico. Mexico. Mexico.

I was working in the business class cabin. Well, well, well. Claudia, which backs onto a set of toilets and the premium economy cabin. Part of our checks is to check the toilets every 30 minutes. As I went to check this toilet, a woman, I didn't know that. As I went to check this toilet, the woman approached me saying a gentleman had been in there a long time. I knocked on the door and asked if everything was all right. No response.

His wife, in her late 60s, was sitting in the front row of the premium economy cabin and said, that it was her husband in the toilet. I said to her, could she check on him? As I could open the door with a secret latch on the door from the outside. I know that latch.

Do you? I've seen them do it. Oh, I didn't know that. I've seen that latch. As she did and I turned away, she gasped as her husband was lying in the toilet now screaming in agony.

As I looked at the toilet, his face was bright red, sweating from the pain with his trousers round his ankles, lying curled up on the floor, he started to scream, I can't pee! I can't pay

Oh fuck that must be Oh my god I think you're gonna get annoyed though I quickly ran to grab another crew member For some help The wife told me he had just had an operation On his bladder And that the doctor's told them not to travel

As this type of blockage might happen To what I can't be people like that Get in the bin You're just you're basically You're running the risk of fucking up everyone else this holiday I mean Mexico Where the fuck you're gonna land

You're gonna turn around round. If you're closer, if you're all going across the Atlantic and you're closer to go back, they're just going to turn around and go back. You're not nipment of France, are you? This is a long flight. Oh shit, I thought, this is not good. We quickly made a PA to request help from a doctor as soon as possible as a gentleman looked like he's going to pass out. Within minutes, a girl approached saying she was a newly qualified doctor. She looked about 16 and very dubious slash scared to volunteer to help when she saw us huddled around the toilet. She also said she had two glasses of wine.

Would that be a problem? Wow. I thought, well, you're all we've got and we are currently halfway over the Atlantic Ocean. There it is. We got our medical kit for her and she said to us

that we needed to drain out the urine using a catheter at which I responded, sorry, we? Yes, that's what'll come out. Out of 10 cabin crew, I was the only male. Looks like I was going to have to do this as no other medical profession had come forward.

We moved the 16... Oh, 16 stone big for a bloke? Is that pretty big? I mean, he's not a little fella, but he's not... He's not... You know, they're not going to make a documentary about him any time soon. Yeah. We moved the gentleman to one of the doors

which we could pull the curtains across. The doctor lay him on the jump crew seat and asks me to completely undress him as she prepared the equipment. Oh, fuck this. He was sweating profusely and in agony. The doctor then got the catheter out of our medical kit

and started to insert the numbing gel and lube onto his penis and the catheter. Oh, stuff up the end of dicks, upsets me. No end. I kind of love it, mine. She then said, I'd have to hold back his foreskin and hold his penis as she inserted it. Within a second or so, this is in the air, by the way, in a plane. Within a second or so, if it going in, everything started to come out.

Ural, blood, yellow, white puss. I started to wretch, and she panicked as the catheter started to slip out. I shouted to the crew behind the curtain, ice buckets! Ice buckets! We need an ice bucket! We in fact filled two ice buckets of this mixture of urine, blood and pus. The smell was making my eyes water. All the while, the gentleman was sat somewhat relieved. The pain was going away, and due to the numbing gel,

oblivious to the doctor trying to jab this catheter back into his urethra continuously, as this river of biohazard waste just kept spurting out onto these ice buckets and my arm as we hold the buckets and his penis. My arm. I didn't pick that up when I did it. Eventually after four attempts, shudder, the catheter went in, which was pointless now as everything he needed to come out had.

So hang on, that wasn't even with the catheter. It just started coming out. They must have just made a... Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm in a bad way. Are you okay? I'm in a bad way.

It's gone a bit pale. Yeah, this has been rough for me this episode. I have gone a bit pale. Sorry. I just stuck myself in the camera there. He looked up with me and saw my name badge. and said the name I'm so sorry for this and you having to do this

I reassured him maybe by not saying it was my pleasure but with don't worry sir I've had plenty of penises in my lifetime in brackets I am gay he smiled oak wedley you know what

you're doing this for the guy he's flown when he shouldn't have yeah hit him with that joke that's your right that's your right that's a funny joke like don't fly disgrace don't fly don't fly I fully agree with don't fly

if you're being told not to fly I fully agree with that because you're trapped everyone's trapped everyone's trapped that a May Day in Mexico what does that mean go faster May Day into Mexico

I imagine jumped the queue for landing I would have... See? So then Muggins on another plane would have been bloody in the air missing connecting flights because of this prick Where's your connecting flight from Mexico Where are you going?

Turks and Caicos Is that a place? Yeah. All the housewives go there. It's not far. I think it's one of the islands, like just up from Mexico. I'm getting much better at geography. I genuinely am.

Okay. I am. Okay. Well, could you connect anywhere else? No, that was my point. Oh. It's the bottom, isn't it? It's pretty much just...

It's the bottom. Yeah, it's the bottom. I know it's the bottom. It's not the bottom, it's the middle. It's the bottom. Of America. North and South America. It connects North and South America.

So it does. So what's underneath? Remind me. What's that thing you said five seconds ago? What we go to geography? What's underneath Mexico? Yeah. Okay.

What underneath Mexico? Okay. Do you want to have a get... All right. Okay. I'll quickly list some places and you can tell me whether they're under Mexico or not.

Okay. I thought Mexico was a bottom. No. I thought it had the big America and then it had a little bit and then Mexico. No, the little bit is Mexico. Right.

Well, what? No, don't. Tell us. Go on. Tell us. Okay. True off, yes or no, is it, is this underneath Mexico? Brazil. La la la la la la la la la. Oh, Brazil. Okay. I don't know. Right. Is Brazil underneath Mexico? Mm, is Brazil in Mexico? Oh, fuck me. No. Underneath? Yes.

Correct. Right. Chile? Yes. Correct. India. Is India not a bit? Further over? Is India underneath Mexico? You have to say true or false? That's false. False, it is false.

Right. God see. Vietnam. False. Very good. Japan. False? You're just taking the piss now. England? False. You are got a geography. I'm so sorry. Brazil and then neither the Mexico? Yes. Right.

It's one of the biggest bits underneath Mexico. Argentina? False. It is underneath Mexico. got that wrong. Oh God. Motherfucker. Right, back to the... What? You just said you were going to have my friend? Back to the Atlas for me it is.

Oh, don't. I'm embarrassed. That's horrendous. That's actually horrendous. I might have got some of them wrong. I beg the differ. Get the, get the... Get the Bible out. You were boasting, get the Bible out. Get the Bible. Get us in... What do you put in Atlas?

Just going to go to the back. Zoom out. Mexico. I've never... In my defence, I've never been to Mexico. Oh, you're totally right. Yeah. connected there. Right, okay. South America. Brazil.

All right, okay, right. In my, in my defense, I thought Brazil was Mexico. That's not a defense. I thought, that's not a defense. I thought, in my defense, I'm stupid. Do you know when I said, it's the bit at the bottom, I thought Brazil. I thought Brazil was Mexico. Okay. God, I'm stupid.

The fucking stupid cow I am. I'm so sorry, everyone. Right. So I thought Brazil was Mexican. Well, in my defence, I was fucking wrong. Yeah, in my defence, I think of shit. So don't, don't judge. Don't judge.

But I'm a kind person in real life. You are lovely. Listen, you are a brilliant, lovely, wonderful person and not knowing where that is. one doesn't matter and two is very funny. Because I've got two children who I'm going to have to, they're going to go, where's Brazil? And there's me, I'll be looking at a side.

No, no. You're going to go. I'll say, it's just underneath Mexico. You're going to go, hey, Siri, where's Brazil? It's as simple as that. No, I know, but I like to know these things. Do you know why I don't, because I've never been. Right.

So in my adult life, what happens now is when I go somewhere, I'll look to where it is. Okay. Because remember I went Australia? That was a huge learning lesson for me. learning lesson learning experience because I remember being like right

Australia let's have a look at it and I probably studied it and I was like whoa it's near loads of stuff like you know well done thank you and then you know what it is in your defence generally

other than Argentina Brazil and Chile I couldn't think of any more South American countries which is dog shit hang on a minute just ringing Kate why

because I want to say if she knows where Oh, okay, this is good. Hello, my love. We're just doing the podcast really quickly. Do you know where Brazil is on the map? Yeah, from South America. What's it underneath? What's it underneath?

Mm-hmm. Oh, right, you mooseous. Um, underneath Mexico that way on. Okay. Thanks, Kate, thank you so much. She's absolutely, I forgot. I forgot. I forgot.

I just did it on the map. I thought America just stopped at Mexico. No, no. no no she thought she thought kate that america was the top bit then there was a little bit in between and then the bottom was Mexico

thought Brazil was Mexico no because you've got you've got countries in between you've got like all right it's really good chat ania speak to you later that was like that it was sort of pepper pig there's your phone Susie sheep it says can you whistle and Susie Sheep says

what's whistling it just says you put your lips together and blow it goes like this and then Peppa just puts the honest to God I'll have to ring her back and say sorry but that's ridiculous I didn't think she would know all of them oh why didn't I know that

I can't retain information I'm embarrassed I'm embarrassed fantastic okay I'll ring her back babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo baboo baboo back do do do do do

thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagmoudini yes thank you very much and as always if you like getting touched it shagmoudinauton at gmail dot com back in your ears

and your revolting filthy sweet corn Phil Sweet corn-filled Isockets. It's two four. Sweet corn, that's two-four. Eye sockets.

Next week. Bye. Bye.