Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Weaponized Incompetence

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Chris and Rosie are back from a trip to London, and they have their beefs at the ready! But first there is a Geography quiz, some passive aggressive behaviour from Siri and discussion about what radio/podcasts host look like in real life! QFTP'S involve a school prank, swimming googles, an unusual headscratcher and some monetisation of discharge... who knew? Keep your emails coming to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode, I've Shag Married and Oide. We talk about our lovely little trip to London. Oh, it was very nice. Very nice time. We reconnected, didn't we? Yeah. I'm looking really tired, apparently. Oh, everyone's saying it.

It's on everyone's list. Everyone is saying it. There's a quiz. I thought I'd give you a chance to geographically redeem yourself from not knowing what was under Mexico. Spoiler alert. She doesn't. Obviously, there's beef.

Oh, there's beef. This is quite a serious beef. Well, it's quite a serious beef that I've got this week. Your beast's got a big name this week. It really freaks out, actually. Well done on that. There's emails about school pranks and the absolute worst quote-unquote drug dealer ever. It depends what you're into.

It's the worst thing ever. Enjoy! Hello, you're listening. Shagmound Mideonoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hi. Hello. Oh, hi.

You okay? I'm all right. I feel like we're going to have nothing to see at each other. Well, okay. So we have just got back from London We've been there We were there Saturday until Tuesday Um

Dare I say We had a bloody lovely time Fantastic time Actually enjoyed Reconnecting with you again It was nice We were We were friends

We were colleagues We were lovers Oh as I said it I made me yourself here You say Listen don't you Stop it shy away from my affection we went to the fancy dress party

yeah you didn't we didn't do fancy dress but no no we did tux us you copied off us we both had a tux on may I say if I literally so much as wear a t-shirt the same slight colour as anything you're wearing I get me ass fucking handed it was but you turned up and it tooks exactly the same as the tux I was wearing apart from you love it though

I thought it looked really cool a little k-pop k-pop duo that was good I got so drunk and I never drink like champagne I mean I'll have a couple of glasses every now and again but I just drank shout because it was free bar won't it well well not free bar Richard well you know what was that yeah it was I did someone paid for it at the end yeah it was but that was the thing right it was at the bar at one point and I just forget

I think it's because obviously because we still like live up in the north-east and everything and you know free bar is it very rare thing where we come from a free bar like it doesn't happen doesn't happen in all right get a couple of free drinks but then after a while you got to start here maybe you go for a Christmas night out and the boss has put like a couple a hundred quid behind the bar off like tips i don't know right but i stood there and i went to pain someone went and the guy went oh you don't need a pain i stood the person i was next to i turned them i went oh is it free bar and this guy just tv guy i've worked with years ago he just went oh you are still living in the north aren't you yeah it's a free bar i was like all right oh is it cashless

oh no cashless is just when you can use card yeah yeah no it was free yeah but i see i i mix it up me i had a little bit champagne and then i had what i had i have there i had no champagne and i just had a couple of beers i was ill me very very safe very safe yeah my head was banging. All day you had a headache. All day, I just couldn't, I could not rehydrate myself. And we're supposed to go and say strange of things

and it just got cancelled, which was odd. Still don't know what's happened to that. It was strange thing to just get an email saying, oh, your gig, the show's not on. And then I've had a little walk around. I don't know if I love a little time. It's been great. It was gorgeous, darling.

I feel like we're friends, but we do have nothing to talk about. No, we've got plenty to talk. Listen, I've got notes. You've got notes? Nice notes. Oh, nice notes. Okay, beef? You got a beef?

Yeah. Oh, there it is. Okay, fantastic. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. If you're watching, thank you. If you're listening, thank you. And a big shout out to a couple of people actually in London who are walking awards this weekend,

who whipped their headphones out and said, I'm listening to you right now. Genuinely never gets old. Thank you very much. It's awesome. But without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative. And I mean lucrative. Lucrative sponsor.

Pay off the house, lucrative. Can't pay off everyone's house. Everyone, everyone. Settle world. Settle world debt. What are we there? Settle global economy problems sponsor. No, I can't believe I haven't mentioned this before.

We may have mentioned it in passing, but I can't believe it's never been a sponsor before. Someone tried to do it was the other day, and I was very upset. It's sponsor is people who try to make you watch full videos of stuff on their phones. Go and fuck yourselves. Are you talking about my mom? No. Oh.

Eh? Do you want to do that? Does she do that? She's listening to me. People do it. People do it. Me and Carl Lutch and someone talking about the idea. Someone did it me and someone did it to him in the same day

when we were on the phone talking about it. And someone's like, oh, have you seen such and such? You go, oh, okay, I'll watch it. Oh, no, I hear it, there's look, watch it now. Yeah, I can't stand that. I hate it when anyone shows me anything on their phone. However, and I am a hypocrite here, because I always whinge and see people have got no attention span and stuff.

If it's a six-second, tiny one, absolutely, I'll watch it. Anything more than 40 seconds, I feel like I'm standing there for 10 years. But then your first. you're forced to enjoy it. Well, I'm like, I have to smile, I have to, I don't know what's going on here. But where does it end?

Like, where does it end? Oh, mate, yeah, you've seen this? Oh, Titanic. It's on my phone. Watch that. Right, okay. Now you're right, actually. Like, where's the cutoff? Well, things escalate and get out of hand really fast.

You've seen this, mate? You've seen this, mate? It's neighbours from the start. Watch that. Have a look at that. Oh, here's my charger, plugged in. How long you'll be a sit down? Yeah, he had drawn some water.

He'll be there for six days. Where does it end? Coronation Street from the beginning. There you go. I don't know the tune. Um, neither do well. No, I go. Very good.

Yeah, very good. Sort of. Sort of. No, that is it? Yeah. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Just little shout out before we start. Thank you so much to everyone who's been listening to the please get me listening and watching the Please Keep Me Anonymous. We've had Jordan Steven so far. I've had Sam Ryd.

I've had Greg Davies this week. Great feedback. Thank you all so, so much. It's been really, like, really lovely doing them as well, isn't it? It's been really nice. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Something I've wanted to say for a long, long time. Now on with the main pod! Glad you got that on your system.

Thank you very much. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. Like the jingo. Chingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, ba. Jingo!

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Marion and Oide. Lovely to have you back. Hello, hey. I tell you what, you know what? You look, I mean, it's a nice way to pot. You look how I feel. Are you actually triggering me right now? You look how I feel.

I've got this wrote down in my notes. Brackett's tired. Do you want to explain this? Yeah, so we've talked about this before on the podcast. So, you know, we're parents, we work. You know, if you're calling. this work. Everyone knows I went to

me local Sainsbury's and a guy I actually really get on with them really well now but a guy I barely knew just went, you look knackard! And I was like, fucking get out of your face. You got an even better one yesterday on the train, didn't you? We were standing ready to go off the train and a lady turned to you and said,

eh, you look how I feel. And I just, I was like, I was so happy. Pause. Tired. Do you know what it is? I had just came from filming podcasters so it's, and you had a full face of makeup. Like my hair and makeup was fully done.

Done by a professional. I actually, I actually, dare I say, I actually looked off like quite a sudden. Imagine just saw you today. Shit, they're bed. Honestly. You look how my grander feels dead.

Dead. Just sick of people giving us their unnecessary opinions of how I look or how I am and everything. But it got us thinking, because you look how I feel is a phrase I've heard a lot and it is a phrase

that people think, it's a, it's cutting. It's really, it's really upset. Like, I was all right, actually. Well, I mean, no, okay, I was tired. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't aked.

But, like, I don't need random woman who I've never met in the entire life to tell us that I look tired. It's not something I need. It's just not something I need. But again, I think in the North East,

you can get away quite a lot. This accent, we can't get away of quite a lot. So I felt like a proper, you know, she was a pratile, North East woman, she went, E, you're all right, darling,

E, you're all right, and heenny, you look tired, me, darling. You could get away with that. That would have been all right because there'd been a bit of sort of warmth to it, but you look how I feel. And I just put my head down, I was like, this is fucking great.

I know. I had a lot of, um, what's the word? Like, retort to me head and I just went, oh. Yeah, yeah, you're going. You can't.

I'm not going to. She doesn't realize. People don't realize. Dead quickly, this is actually, like, it was sending the emails, but I'll just say it now instead of like a cue from the pew

because it's about kind of Hang on where is it Um Sorry on your note Have you still got thought of that I've still got a picture of them on The dog on the logfew The dog on the logfume

Because it honestly It brightens me day I see it I need my bag It's a it's a golden retriever On a logfew we did a It's there It's a golden retriever on a log fume And uh

On a what? On a what? Logfume? What's it called? On a what? It's a log flu Yes. Right, okay.

A log fume. A log. You're upsetting me today because we were just talking about the kids. We were talking earlier on, sorry, let's phrase this right. We were talking about the day that the kids stop going to school and the holidays start. And you said earlier on, the day that they split up from school. No. I don't see anything wrong with that.

No. The breakup from school. They don't split up from school. I know breakup is a word of a breakup, but split. It sounds like they're leaving the back. or they've had an argument but they're gonna go out anymore. They're splitting up from school?

No, I'm not having split up from school. I can't have it. It's horrible. Excuse me, it means the same. Doesn't. Hey, Siri. Do split and break mean the same thing? No.

To Chris. Oh, it's just gonna send you a text. It's just gonna send you a text. Oh, split and break mean the same thing. No, that's what I think's you said. I've just got to, Thank you, Siri. Goodbye.

What the fuck is that? I've become really... Did you know, I've become really obsessed with Siri. He's to slide me off. Only old beefs ones was that I was you, Siri. You're pathetic. I actually love it. The only thing I don't like

is when you're just randomly in your room and you say sorry and it's like, oh yeah, what? And I'm like, I wasn't talking to him. I think, if I haven't mentioned how I hate how, if I'm asking for a song or something off Siri when I'm driving along in the car, he does the...

Mm-hmm. Halfway through I'm talking. Yeah. I can't bear it. He's not great. He's not brilliant, but it's, he's, really good alarms. There's a lag on the car, that's what it is.

So I think I say, hey, and I say his name, I don't owe me devices to start kicking off. But then there's a pause by the time it comes on my screen and we look at the car play. So I go, play it and out, and it goes, mm-hmm. As I'm halfway through the sentence, I'm like,

I'll fucking kill you. So that picture, cheats. Dog on the log, flume amazing, right? But listen to this, right, okay. What do you want to see? What is it? Do you get to miss. Hello, lads.

Oh, okay. Big. Someone said an email out of a phone. I guess that says hello lads. You look how I feel. Like a lad. Honestly, I give up. I give up.

Give up. Here's me. I'm trying to go the or natural route. I've not had any Botox. No fillers, no nothing. I'm keeping me monkey grey tooth because all the dentists keep putting us off it. And I'm just getting tell I looked at, I had left right and sent us. So what he's doing to is, you're going to make, you're going to make us do it.

You're going to make us do it. Why the dentist's putting you off getting your monkey grey tooth sort of? which isn't mankney at all like no one can say it. It's not, it's because our dentist is genuinely a mint dentist and he's just like,

you don't need it done. Yeah. And I'm like, well, Mr. McLean, when I'm on the telly, it looks great. I can't,

genuinely can't believe my look that our dentist is called Mr. McLean. Thank my lucky stars. I love him. So good. No, he's mint.

When my mom was getting her teeth done, she ended up getting them all done and actually the look lush, like they've took years off her. But he, she was, went to and he was like

you don't need them done and she was like well I just really don't like him he went look around he went look at everyone's teeth of your age he went horrible

fucking hell all right mate your teeth look great he went go and have a look around he's just very he's a very down to earth bloke

and I appreciate that and so I got a line up in for you get a line up get the moment and our friend Chelsea who is a dental nurse

she had a big long conversation with her and she said that I could get like the vina the vina thing but they can chip and you can't like drink coffee

and I went whoa whoa coffee or red wine she was like absolute no go you don't get much purchase on them either I remember when I did the when I had the Chris Ramsey show on Comedy Central I had Joey Essex on

and I tried to get him I tried to get him to have a bite of a big gummy bay and he could not get purchase on it was just sliding out of his mouth really vivid memory I've got of me just pushing a massive gummy bay and his mouth and him like ah

and it was just fucking sliding through his teeth he couldn't get a grip on it I see I enjoy a lovely crispy but get every now and again. And if that's taken away, I would just, and if it chipped. So, yeah, so if you say he's on telly,

me and me monkey grey tooth will be. Great. We'll be there. Hello, lads. Right. Great. Big fan of the pod. I've recently made the switch to watching on YouTube

instead of just listening, and I'm loving it. That's really sweet of you. I'll make sure you subscribe, by the way, if you're watching on YouTube, because I had a really big meeting the other day about YouTube. We've got to tell you. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so smash that. Subscribe button. Yeah. Anyway, my boyfriend walked into the sitting room the other day, glanced at the screen and said, ah, did not expect them to look like that.

And then just walked out of the room, no further comment. Oh, don't leave it hanging. What did you expect what to look like? He doesn't listen himself, but had heard your voices in the background for years, so he clearly had a mental image and it didn't really match reality.

Thought I'd pass it on for your own personal reflection or mild identity crisis. I remember when... But maybe things are things to look better. Well, definitely you. Well, the sounds of things. You were probably expecting a lot more from you. Listen.

Excuse me, don't because I'm triggered because the amount of messages or comments over the years that I've seen where people have said, thought his latter would be fitter. And I'm like... Again, that's mostly me on dummy accounts. Is it?

I don't do Jetsu, too. I don't play golf. I just sit on Instagram, on false accounts that I've got. saying really nice things about me and horrible things about you. Oh my God. It's a long game I'm playing, you know, you're,

come to fruition. You're that ma'am. Yeah. You're that ma'am. Yeah. I'm off that documentary. Oh, God, yeah, that's it. It's been out long enough now.

You don't need a, you don't need a bloody warning. If you haven't seen it, then you need to watch telly more. Don't watch telly. Well, right, we wouldn't get up. Spoiler doesn't matter. What we're to talk about?

I remember when I was younger, and can remember I met her radio, Tony Horn in the morning. Yes. When Tony Horn in the morning was on. to listen to his voice every single morning. Yeah. You had no idea of finding out what they looked like,

but randomly years later, I found out what he looked like. Just honestly, couldn't have been more different. Couldn't it be more different if he was a dog? Like, not disappointing, not ugly, not seeing anything about his appearance. Just not what I expected. Just, yeah, yeah.

Just had an idea in my head of what he would look like and he didn't look like, and I was like, I can't believe this. That actually, that happened a lot with radio. Because you couldn't Google what people look like. You just, if they were famous enough, you'd see them on to him. TV shows. Yeah.

But if they weren't and you only listen to them on the radio, you're right, when you did see them in person, it would be like, well... Local radio, did you? No idea. No idea who they are. Foxy, he was one when I seen him on the...

Dr Fox? No, say he looked exactly like I imagine he would look. Did he? Exactly. And that's why the Tony Hor on the morning thing upset us so much, because I was like, I thought I was good at this. No.

Yeah. That's a shame. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health. From the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup

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Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo-da-do-ba-da. We're just about to ring our editor, lady who knows all the secrets Daisy to find out if the bit about Mexico stayed in last week, which I woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning, thinking just I'm a moron.

Are you okay? Hello, Daisy, for the first time ever we're ringing you live on the podcast. Shut up. We just want to know, we just thought we'd break the fourth wall, we just want to know, did all of that stuff about Rosie not knowing where the hell Mexico was? Did that stay in?

Yes. Good stuff because I've got a quiz, follow up for it. Excellent. Say hi to everyone, Daisy. Hi. Daisy, we love you. You're so brilliant. Thank you.

Love you too. Bye. Bye. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm not on the podcast. She would be great on a podcast actually.

She's hilarious. Yeah. Okay, so in the vein of the fact that where are you going? Don't get up and leave. You're getting comfortable. You put your foot under your vaguely. Maybe I'm doing a scratchy, scratchy, scratch. Great.

In the vein of the fact that you had no idea. idea what was under Mexico the other week. We're about to play What's Under Germany. Da-da, what's under Germany. Right. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I don't know why I always do seven.

I just do seven. Look at your number. Seven. Okay. Are you ready? Hang on. Do I just say whether it's below or above? I'm going to give you the name of a country

and you're going to tell me whether it's under Germany or not. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. In my defense, I've never been to Germany. Okay, right. I would love to go. Assuming, so you're trying to claim that if you'd been there, you would immediately be able to feel what is under Germany.

I'll tell you right now. South of Germany. I'll tell you right now. I only started in the last sort of like six years. Every time I go somewhere, I see where it is on the map. Before that, I probably didn't. Go on there, blind, blindfolded, back of a van, like a hostage, taken there, no idea where you are.

Spone around 10 times, let loose in the town centre, like some kind of Darren Brown thing. Great. Listen, what's under Germany? Okay, go. Is Poland under Germany? No, I think that's close. Correct.

The Netherlands. Are the Netherlands under Germany? No. They're not under German. Congratulations. Honestly. West. Don't know.

They are above, but stop. Quit while you're ahead. Right. I'm trying to claw back. Is Italy under Germany? Play long at home. It's got like the boot. Play on at home.

Shout if you're in the park, I'm going to say it is. I'm going to say it is. It is under Germany Very good It's got the boot Nothing to do with where it is Geographily

But congratulations I can see it In my mind's eye Is Austria Under Germany No Austria is under Germany Is it

Austria is under Germany Is Luxembourg Under Germany Below You think it is under Germany It is not under Germany Is Switzerland Under Germany

I thought there'd be more I thought it would be easier than this. I thought it would be like... It's literally yes or no. It's literally yes or no. You can't get easier than a 50. But they're right next to each other. What?

These are close to each other. Oh, but you want us to pick the fucking North Pole? When I was going to do the train thing through Europe, these were all on the same tracks. Okay. All these places. Tracks can go north and south. You're talking like a few...

I'm not. Miles between. You're full of it. I'm not. Is Switzerland under Germany? No. It is under Germany. You'd start so well and now you've gone the wrong way.

You've ruined it. Last one is Slovenia under Germany. Yes. Slovenia is under Germany. Guess what, everyone. We've all learned, almost nothing from that. It was genuinely pointless, I didn't even keep a score. But were you irritated by it?

Me, yes. Did you feel a bit vulnerable? I've got the kids' parents evening next week. Yeah? And I don't know where countries are. Geography, is going to slap your tash. Slab it. Slap it.

God, I do have a bit of a tash. Have you noticed? No. Oh, you don't have a bit of a touch. I bought a really, like, magnified mirror. Okay, that's good. Just tell us if I ever do, because I'll just wax it. But I bought a really magnified mirror.

And when the sun's shining at a certain thing, I've got a full on tash. And then my friend... Okay, but my friend was talking about hers not long ago. Like loads, and I thought, and she was saying it a lot. And you know when you go away and you go, was she... Oh. Hinting to me. She's saying, one of that.

Yeah. Was she sort of saying it's so much and looking at it's like, do yours without saying do yours. What was she wanting to do to do at Ash? She just does hers. She just does it.

And I never know what she had on. What do you mean does it? Like wax or hair removal or whatever. Okay. And she was just talking about it for quite a while to the point where I thought, does she think I should get rid of mine and doesn't want to say it.

Right. You know. Let me have a look. Let me have a look. Well, if you're not noticed, by now. I think it's just wringles. That was a joke. You're beautiful. Okay, thank you. That was a joke. I was kidding.

You saw the cameras there. I did a little smirk and I'm sorry. I am horrible. I do apologise. Bhabo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for watch your beef. What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? I've got two words for you. Yeah? Webinized incompetence.

Oh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you heard of it before? No. You're so far from it. Now just go to the pharmacist and get yourself. some little pills for weaponised incompetence. So the other day, something happened where we needed to change the kids' beds

and you played the weaponised incompetence card of, oh, where's the sheets? Oh, which one matches which one? Do you know where this is? Like, just work it out and go and do it. That's good. So saying that you don't know how to do something so you don't have to do it as weaponised incompetence.

you're so far from it massively very much it was no I've already named me too that would have been such a two her name weaponized incompetence oh I'm devastated too has called here

man it's on sale now could you not change it hasn't no no all the everything's being printed it's been sold it'll be on all the tickets well save it for the next one it's so true though

you do it you do it quite a lot you do it with like with pans and stuff like if you've got to make tea you're like oh what pan would you use and it's like, right, like I say it here very often, what if I died?

If I was, imagine I'm dead in this scenario, how are you going to make tea? Who are you going to ask what pan they use? You know, no, that's not fair because you know my plan is to bury all the pans with you. You know that's been my plan since day or dot. So that's a, that's just an outlander statement to see. It's what you would have wanted. You know, I'm burying you with every single bit of crockery and pan and everything.

Don't put that. Why have we, did you know that little blue one? Yeah. That only goes on the gas hobbs. It's rotten in it. Why the fuck? I don't know why. Everyone, everyone listening and watching,

you almost have the pan and you're, there's a pan, it should be going on the journey, but I can't get rid of it. I was like, honestly, put, gun on my head. It's your favorite pan. If you ever try to dry it with a towel?

It's fucking shreds the towel, the pieces. Because the bottom of it is like so scrapped. It's horrible. It's, well, it's the worst pan. It's one of the worst pans. It's not even round anymore. No, no, I've dropped it. It's like egg.

Is that why? God, it's fucked. I really like it. It's got, character? I like that guy. That boils an egg. It's only little, like your little head.

I'll put that one on your little head. And I'll shut the coffin. And I'll pile all the other ones on top of you. And I'll lower you down. And then, so there you go. Just from now on. Like, just change the beds. All right, man.

I know, but it's just infuriating. Like, what? I'll tell you what I do. You love to pretend you don't know where anything is. Well, because there's no system. Stuff's just thrown in the cupboard. No. Oh, there's only one cupboard where the sheets go.

That's it. It's a mess. It's just kind of. just horrible. Listen, this is what I like to do. I like to strip the bed, whatever bed it happens to be that I'm changing, I like to strip the whole thing in the morning,

wash, dry, and put the same sheets back on so that nothing's a bother. That's what I like to do. What's this? How much space you got? What's this piling up all of sheets? Well, take one sheet off, put another one, and wash all them back in a cupboard.

A cupboard doesn't even need to be there, man. Take them off, wash them, dry them, get the straight back on. No, I'm tired of right now. I've got two sets of bed and for each bed. So everything was there. All you had to do, Chris, was look. But instead, you just, you were just wanting me to do it and I stuck with me guns and I went, I'm not doing it. So that's why you were such an asshole when I was asking the question because you thought it was doing it on purpose to get out of it.

Yes? You were? Well, yeah, I was, but I didn't know you knew I was. Oh, God. You do it with loads. You actually do it with loads of stuff. Loads of stuff. Oh, I just, do you know, what, what would you, how would you do this if you, if you were doing? You planers to be like, how would you do this? What, show us how you would do this? it and then me all the way to the end

webinar and incompetence oh you've done it yeah thank you there you go I don't know I don't fall for it though anymore did I fall for it did I no you just shout what I don't know I'm trying not to swear something I'm genuinely trying to just curb me swearing my beef with you I don't think you possibly can I can and this is the thing you've started doing

and I'd like it to stop I've been so nice to you this weekend you've been lovely we've had a lovely time and I love you to death you're the best right I love you till death do us part and all the pots and pans go in the ground with you. I have seen you doing this a couple of times. I don't like it. I want it to end. You've started roasting marshmallows on the kitchen hob.

And I'm not okay with it. It fucking stinks. There's fucking marshmallow all over the hob. I was wondering, you saw me do this weeks ago. It's straight down to me phone. Robin keeps asking to buy more marshmallows from the shop and I'm like, no, because your fucking mother's going to roast them on the hob. Like, like a crackhead with a spoon of heroin.

Okay, but okay, right. One, it's my house. It's my half everything. Everything is half mine, right? I am allowed to roast marshmallows in my kitchen if I want to, okay? That's one. Two, they were left over from a trip. that were had

in the summer when we're roasted marshmallows we've been a marshmallow world I've it's not a place I've stopped buying

sweets because I can't be trusted so so that was actually what you saw me was in a really desperate moment of just I needed something

who was at our house the day asking if we had biscuits or something and they couldn't get their head round they couldn't get the head round

that we didn't have anything who wasn't Oh, who was it? It was someone. And then we're going, oh, it was Jordan. You've been mate Jordan. Right. Would have, we'd add, would have fish and chips.

Oh, yeah. And then he was like, is anything? Because obviously, I get what he means, fish and chips, that. And I was like, you got, you got, you got anything sweet? And I was like, no. He was like, nothing. I was like, mate. Unless you want a fucking child's fruit bar or a saurine or an ice pop, you are

completely fucked in this house pile. There's nothing. I know. Absolutely not. I found him a mini pat of Jeremy Dodgers in the back of the cupboard that were death of what we did. He had them. bless them.

You got, it's, it's... No, the stuff for the kids, it's just stuff that I don't like. Yeah. Like, like, like the, like kind of eggs and shit. Like, I wouldn't, no, thank you. I mean, desperate times, I probably would. But, so, no, I just roasted,

I tell you what, roasted marshmallows though. They're fucking rubbish. They're delicious. They burn immediately and then the top layer pulls off like a bloody toenil coming off. It's divine. It's not, man, it goes all over you. They keep messy, they're horrible, the...

Oh, lovely. Bloody, lovely. And I will be doing it again. So you better get you straight. It's awful. It's awful. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for questions from the public. The public. Public. As always, if you'd like getting in touch,

it shagged, Married,annoyed at gmail.com. Send us whatever the bloody heck you'd like. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Just been in my local supermarket and overheard of someone, a certain someone. I'm sorry. A certain someone. And overheard someone call Deliveroo, Delivery you.

That's a kind of thing you would do. Me? You just call a log flume, a log fume. Delivery you. I wouldn't call it Delivery U. Again, so this comes on to what I was talking about the idea. You know, my theory, that delivery you is the perfect company name for something that's trying to get the custom of people

who don't really know what Deliveroo is. Oh yeah We've worked this out haven't we? Yeah I've got a theory that there was an entire subculture of companies

that just create themselves to be slightly different to something that's massively popular so that your nana buys it by accident when just trying to get

the other thing I'm telling you I remember years ago I was in like a knockoff shop in this old Kelvin Clunes Kelvin Clunes

yeah like underpants instead of Calvin Clines so you You put it perfectly like, so if you said to your nana, oh, if your nana went, what's Chris once for Christmas? And I go, I loves Calvin Klein. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She'd be in that shop and she goes, he loves Calvin Clunes. Yeah, that's it. And there you go. It's hot and that. Yeah, we'll deliver her with it. Oh, delivery you. Yeah, that's exactly the thing I heard. Yeah.

But it's like, it's from like when you were a kid. Do I mean? You've got like a, you know, oh, what do you want? Or teenage mutton and your turtles. Oh, look, your nana got you some karate terribuns. Are you buzzing? No, I'm fucking not. Where is she?

I'll slap her. made that up my head. I've never slapped them. Right. Do you know what I mean? So that delivery you would be the perfect one. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, note for parents, I'm going to talk about Christmas presents. So if there's little years, I've been buying stuff online for Robin's birthday. Yeah. And they've all turned up in boxes that are not plain. Yeah. So I got him a little Coca-Cola fridge for his room. Yeah. He wants a fridge just with like a bloody, and it just literally had it on the same Coca-Cola and then said, fridge on it and he's like

oh I know I've got that fridge he told me this morning he's seen all of his birthday presents I know he's seen he's seen a little lamp thing I got in the in the boot poor our pants couldn't have to open crazy

you're crazy you're I would never like that's the difference I would never have done that what do you mean we weren't here I'm shit with some stuff but I'm really good with that stuff and I would never I would never destroyed that kid's birthday

but you've destroyed that kids' birthday it's mad it's 50-50 so hey why don't you buy his birthday presents and why don't you not let him seem weaponized incompetence again you're a fucking you're a liability you're a prick actually you swore you swore you say you were this way

how how do you get off going I would never let that happen how about you buy a birthday presents because I wouldn't have done it because I wouldn't have ordered how many Christmas presents you bought this year for you for you? None none

for the kids also none but I took a picture of some stuff in the shop thank you thank you very much tell you what you work so hard for the well-being of this family.

You've never... What a lovely time to say on the podcast. If we go deep, though, you've never bought a decoration. You've never bought... A decoration? No, you've just... You just do no... A decoration?

For Christmas. You know the trees and you know when the house looks lovely? I do buy stuff. Hey, I buy the little houses every year. Little houses that will plug in? So, do you go to the shop by yourself? Or do you do it as a family tradition? I pick...

I pick them little houses. In my defence, I look all of the... trees all over the fucking house trying to put them up. I'd do all the lugging. I stand them up. I'd do all of the putting up in that, in my defence. You didn't put a single tree up last year. I absolutely did. I don't think you did. I absolutely do it as a family. Like, together. This doesn't sound right. Do you sure you were there? This doesn't sound right. It's backfired this. Look, right, let's try again. It doesn't matter if the bairn's seen the fridge, man. He's fine. You're brilliant, ma'am. And thank you for ordering them things. You're so lovely.

a lot on. It's not your fault that he saw them. It's too late. Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, babadu, bah. Babadu, babadu, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi. This question is mainly for Rosie. I think we all know what Chris would say.

But it could also be a word, Rosie E scenario. I've now one of them for a while. Please keep me anonymous. It's not, I love it when people say, please keep me anonymous. Like, this is not that bad. And if anyone knew that this happened,

I don't think they would hear yet. We are not secret of people for stuff like it. we're not, but some people really are. Yeah. Do I mean? Yeah. So that's fine. Okay. Um, my fiancé and I have lived together for nine years since we were 19.

Nice. We've always shared our dinner times and this bad habit only revealed itself recently. Otherwise, I'm not sure we'd have made it this far. Hmm. So she's only just noticed this. She's only just realized. Right. The other night, whilst eating dinner in brackets, a meal I'd very kindly cooked for him, I heard a strange scratching noise. I looked up from my plate

assuming it was the dog or the cat but when I saw them both sitting quietly beside me I turned to my partner to find him furiously scratching his head with his fork it's rotten and it says yeah

yes the very same fork he was using to eat his dinner I think folks are lethal right and I think they're so hard a fork you could kill someone with a fork couldn't you?

You could stab someone with a fork? I mean, yeah. Definitely. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to get too dark, but yeah, I just wouldn't. I can't imagine scratching my head with a fork. So you've got to have short hair. You must have like really, really short shaved head

or like shaved on the back and sides like mine. Well, it's, it wasn't a, it wasn't a casual scratch either. It was a proper satisfying scratch, the type that would really sort out an it all through his thick hair. Thick hair. Thick hair. I just stayed in disbelief waiting to see what he'd do next

and sure enough he carried on eating with that same fork Did he give it a wipe? No, I don't find that that disgusting Although, I mean she does Absolutely disgusting And to make it worse This was after his sweaty run

And before he shower Oh, fucking hell What was the meal? It doesn't see Right, okay, because I mean then again If it's with What? What?

So if it's something like, for instance, a steak, a couple of chips, bit of edge, bad but not that bad. Right, like dry. Mm-hmm. But if it's more, I'm thinking Spagbaw. If that's Spag Ball, I'm well upset. Right, why? Because the hair will mix in with the spaghetti and will form, it'll wrap round it. Oh.

So isn't that funny? Why is he not having it? So he's coming in from a run, sweating his bollocks off and he's sitting down for his dinner with his fiancé. He's not having a wash first before he's dinner. Not everyone's like you, Chris. I could do that. You'll get ringworm. You'll all get ringworm.

You'll all get ringworm. You are a ringworm. He's a ringworm. I have had ringworm before, but not in this country. I got out abroad. I told you about that. And I lived in roads, and I think cats were sleeping on my sheets.

Did you live on? I did live on. Cats were sleeping on your sheets. I think we worked out because we would do the laundry and would leave them in the little laundry room that didn't have a door. And I think cats were sleeping on me better. bedding and then I would put my bedding on but that's what someone told us I don't know

I don't think you can catch ringworm from cats well now that I'm older neither do I can get it like damp if something's damp or like the and the bacteria is on your skin for a while I've got it I've got it in a hotel once I got it on holiday once sitting on there sitting on a wet towel all day in wet swimming shorts I got it once yeah yeah it's manky in it yeah so it's just a rash it's just a circular red rash no worms involved nothing to with worms and you can get it if you don't if the mats aren't cleaning a jihitsu you can get it and stuff as well. Always comes back to jiu-jitsu.

Oh, sorry, I lived in roads and roads, roads, roads, up the road at roads. Shut up, man. Change your record. Love roads. Yeah, you do. Hello, both. Sorry, just to end that little bit there,

bloke scratching his head with the fork. I do, there was part of us, as a fan of scratching. There was part of us, I think, so I bet you that was a really nice scratch. That's what upsets me more, the scratching with the fork. Right. Than the easyness. Because I'm like, it's his head.

It doesn't matter. If he was feeding her with it Then that would be back to you. It's his stuff. I think your own stuff I'm not bothered about. Right. Okay. If he's feeding her.

Here you go, darling. No, horrible. Yeah, awful that he has on the shower. I hope he gave the fork a wipe after he took a mouth full. Vile. There'll have been loads of skin cells and loads of dried stuff.

Vile. Stop it. I knew it would upset you. Stop it. Buy a head scratch air or something. Minger. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo. Hello both.

Long time listener, big fan and all that. Thank you. Just listening to this week's pod and the stories of what the perves of the world will pay for. Oh, well, you've put that really nicely. Well done, what the perves of the world will pay for. Perves of the world. Thank you.

Yeah. Oh, that should be the website. Perves of the world. Perves of the world. Yeah. Come back altogether. Come together now. Perves of the world.

My friend once told me a story that will stay with me forever. So here it is, you're welcome. This is going to stay with us forever. Okay. Whenever someone says something that will stay with you forever. this is going to stay with us forever okay

so you've heard of selling used knickers yes boring being there done that we've all heard about the selling you've heard about it yeah not yet this time

it's not that wild I guess that's what I said boring it's not that wild it's not what I'd spend my money on but here we are my friend's friend used to wear her knickers on the days of the month she was most dischargey. It says, yeah, sorry Chris,

ask Rosie, but you are a man of the world, you know what discharges, don't you? Yeah, but I didn't know it. Do you want to explain to the listeners? No, I didn't know there was... But what if people don't know? Google it. What if there's a new young lad

just started listening to the podcast and he's in a relationship and he should know what discharges before he's going to be embarrassed? Google it. I'm not describing what discharges to the world. Okay. I didn't know.

What do you mean the days of the month where she was more discharge? What is that? Because before a period you just get discharged. Do not pull your face at woman's discharge, you bastard!

So I'm supposed to be over the moon that we're chatting about discharge. It's the word, it's the word, seepage, I'd even have seepage more than, there's something about the word discharge, yeah, just discharge. Right, okay, it's not a great word. Listen, I'm not a huge fan of distraud. either. It's actually ranked how many times can we see a discharge in this podcast? Stop it.

This podcast is sponsored by discharge. Right, listen. We should try and get it into normal. What? We should try and get it into normal sentences when you're like really not expected to see if anyone notices. What throughout the podcast? Like getting the bill and go, sorry, I've paid for all these, but I don't notice discharge. What's discharge here?

Oh, it's a service charge. Should we do that as a little game just between ourselves? How did you keep your marriage alive? We'll just get discharging. You see, discharging and we get a bill? We're pathetic. I'm going to do it next time we'll go to the electric carpoint. Is it dischargeer?

I'm a dischargeer. What's the... Next time I'm in a hotel room. What's charged is yours? Is it a discharger? Or is it discharger? God, you two are pathetic. No.

We've been married for 11 years. Right. Stop it. Right, what is this thing? What's going to stay with us forever? A friend's friend used to wear the knickers on the day. of the month she was most dischargy and at the end of the day she'd lay the knickers

on a hot radiator thus drying out her snail trail should then scrape the now powder like substance from her knickers into a little bag for her personal purve to snort shut up man discharge coke

oh that honestly that is the fucking do you know right so we've got a pizza oven And the other day... What the hell is this going to do? With pizza rubble. Side note, we've got pizza oven.

And the other day, I was looking at how to make the best kind of door. And it's like, if you want a pizza, pizza is classified as a fast food, right? And if you want a pizza, it's like, I'll phone the pizza place or I'll stick a pizza in the oven pizza. Whereas these ones are like, get the door and then do this and then leave it for eight hours. And then do this and leave for 45 minutes. And then do this and leave for 24 hours. The level of preparation to do that is up there with what this dirty cow is doing here. Well, he's pain, the guy's pain.

I mean, it's a man. It's a man. There's no woman buying. You do it with your own. Discharge drugs. Drives it on. First of all, first of all, first of all, rest in peace,

whoever's in that room when that radiant is on full whack. Imagine that. Where you got the, it's bloody August! Where you got the radias on for? I'm just trying on me discharge your knickers for that purvee.

Right? No, by the book. You just turn the ones off in the living room. Your dad's bloody sweating. Horrible. Horrible. letting it dry out so it's like crusty enough to scrape off and put in a little bat like a cork dealer

like a little bag that you see dropped in toilet on toilet floors everything about that is horrendous I just don't I don't know what level of purve you've got to be that you're like you know what I like snort and discharge when do you find out when do you find out that's the one and you've got to be this sorry I'm sorry it's so bad what if that what if it what if there's my on the gums

What if there's moisture in that bag? If there's moisture in that bag, it's going to, by the time it gets to them, it's going to liquidate it again. It's going to liquidise again. This is not something you could do in the summer. It's not. Imagine the email back.

Imagine the review. Well, it's just obviously not doing it in a photo of a human environment because I had to dry it out again. I was fucking honestly, my heating bills gone up. Drying out all her smegma on the radiant. I said, hell on. Dogs licking it and that.

I lost 50 quids worth. Ill. Ill. If you've, discovered that your thing is that in what steps what did you go through to get there all what really gets us off is snort and a stranger's day send the fucking asteroid now send it God almighty in a way though I find it quite empowering that no no stop saying that I'm sick to death sorry but you're struggling to get a job

we've all got discharge women but there's a job for all of work. Dried smeg dealer. I'm not as discharge. This is a young woman thing. I'm not as discharge as I used to be. I don't think. Just thought of a nickname if I knew her what I would call her.

Pablo distichorge. I think I'd get on with her. I think it's fun. I think it's fun. Oh God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Bye. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Long time listening to first time. I'm E-Mela. I've just been listening to last week's podcast.

and the story about the end of year prank with the sheep I was reminded of a story from my days at school for context I went to school in a rural area in born in Scotland

in Scotland A lad in the year above often drove his tractor into school and parked in the staff car park What a fucking power move Oh that's fantastic But he constantly got in trouble for it

Right he drove his tractor into school and parked in the staff car parker, because I don't think you need to be of, oh, maybe to drive on roads, but I think you don't, like, if obviously it's on private land, so as long as you can physically operate it, you're not going to get told off

for driving a tractor on it. My point is, if we had a farm, the kids could drive a tractor as old as they can reach the pedals. But I suppose if he's driving it on roads and taking the school, then fair enough. But yeah, go on. Fucking funny.

He was a school legend. Of course he was. So naturally, when it came, the end of your track there. He had the ideas. He had the ideas. Okay? He managed to sneak one of their cows off the farm in a horse box

and got someone to get out of class saying they needed the loo and open one of the back doors to let it in. It just sauntered around the lower classes sending pupils diving into classrooms and teachers into a meltdown. Utter chaos in block capitals. Some of the teachers tried to shoe it, but it ended up running up the stairs to the next floor. No. Can cows run upstairs?

Right. That's when we all discovered the grim truth. Cows can go upstairs. The can't come downstairs. It can't come back downstairs. No. In the end, it's not a nice story. They didn't.

In the end. It still lives there now. It still lives there now and they made it a little room that lives in the room. Is that what you want to? Don't you dare tell me they killed this cow and dragged it down the fucking stairs. Don't. Don't. No.

There must be. No. No. Why is this upset you more than the discharge? It hasn't upset as more than the discharge. I'm just, they didn't even try. They can't go downstairs. We're fucking put it down.

Do you how heavy, do you have a cow is? They can't walk, they haven't got the ability. I actually knew this. They can go up, they can't go, they don't understand how to go downstairs.

So, listen. Come on, we've all seen, we've taught us before. This is rural Scotland, the brutal man. Your rural Scotland. You know the episode of, uh,

dogs behaving badly where they said that dog couldn't walk upstairs. That's one of the funniest things. Guys, channel five, channel five, dogs behaving badly. It's actually made by our management company. Avalon,

they've got a television, they've got a television arm and a television wing or whatever, and they make this. There's an episode where these people have got, like, is it a husky? It's a husky. And they're like,

I can't walk upstairs. There must be something wrong with it. And Graham, the guy comes around, puts a lead on it, and just fucking pulls it up the stairs. He just walks it up the stairs. He stands it. It stops.

He goes, no, come on. And he pulls the lead and it goes, all right, and he walks up the stage and the owners are like, wow,

you're amazing. It's like, he just fucking pulled it up the stairs. He was there for about 30 seconds. I turn the kettle off. I'll not be eating that. Cheers, thanks very much. That was funny.

So I'm that, this is dread. Right, listen. No. In the end, the poor farmer had to be called in, the real farmer. I'm guessing it might be.

his dad and well the cow never made it back with the field I imagine the lad got in serious trouble that's the prank that's the prank that's the prank he meant that that's the prank not have a cow in get execute a cow upstairs after that the school was on a mission to ban pranks altogether my year were told not to bother showing up the last few weeks unless we had an exam and senior staff literally guarded the door and you had to show ID and get your name cross-checked on the exam timetable I'll be like in. I'm just picturing a couple of students with a cow in a top hat and a court.

Are you a cow? Where's your ID? Poor cow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi guys, got a quick ick for you both. Quick ick. My boyfriend wears glasses. Sometimes after a long day,

the weight of them starts to press on his ears in his nose, causing him a fair bit of discomfort. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, them bits in the... tops. Yeah. I would struggle wearing glasses. I get really, when I wear sunglasses, I get like, you know. I know what you mean. Yeah.

Completely fair enough, I do feel for him when this happens. The point of which I lose sympathy slightly is when he decides to watch TV wearing his prescription swimming goggles. God love him. Broad daylight watching nothing. Sitting on the sofa with his goggles on. there is a picture attached no i'm so excited to see this picture you ready yeah

yeah oh i think that's oh i absolutely love you i love him i love him oh that's the new i need that on my computer that's going to be my dog on a log flume that's my dog on a log flume i'm gonna look at that every morning That's made my idea of that. God love them. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadu, ba. Do do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening this week's episode of Shagged Marriedenoid.

Yes, thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. As always, if you've got anything at all you want to send in, it's shagged Marriedenoid at gmail.com. We're back in your ears and your depraved, violet eyeballs next week. Depraved, I like that.

Very good, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Please continue to subscribe on YouTube and on all your podcast apps. Thank you very much. Bye. Love you, bye. Bye.