Should I Delete That? - Back Together with Big News!

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Alex is back! Listen for huge news, massive updates and all of the baby Tommy updates!Purchase tickets here for our first ever ✨LIVE TOUR!!✨Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi. Hello. Welcome. I'm so nervous. Oh good. I see the absence has made us any more professional. I feel nervous and shy and yes, very unprofessional. Welcome back. Thanks. I'm so happy to be back. Welcome back to Should I Delete That? The new, new and improved. We've taken a break. You've popped out a kid. Yeah. But more importantly, we're. We've reformatted the show. I know. What a day. First time ever. Yeah, I know. We don't love change, but two children later, we've lent in. So before we get into Al's absent, a baby, a massive update and chat, can we tell you about the new, the plans?

Can we tell you about the plans? Yeah. Okay. So we want to make the podcast more current and we want to talk about more current stuff because that's what we're we like, that's what we really like doing. That's what we like doing on our Instagram channels and that's just, we feel like that's the content that we want to create and that you guys want to see. So Thursday episodes, we're going to be talking current events. Yes. Is it just me, we'll stay in its, in some capacity. We will still be taking listener

questions. We will still be helping, use that term loosely. We'll still be commenting on your problems, potentially making them worse. We will still be together. It will just be the two of us that week, that episode. But we do want to be kind of, we want our fingers on the pulses. Oh, I love that. Thank you. We just, we love the journalistic element of both of our jobs.

And we, we, you know, with things changing on Instagram all the time, the way that we're showing up, we're getting older. We just, I don't know, I feel very like we want to be having these conversations properly. Yeah. So that's what Thursdays are going to be. There'll be a bit of a hybrid of the fun, but also the serious. But that does mean that we'll be saying goodbye to the GBA on Mondays.

What, what? No one cares about goods, bads or awkward. Let's talk about other people. Exactly. We're going to get you straight into the episodes every Monday, straight into the guests. Yeah. But we'll still update you on our lives on Thursdays. Yeah, exactly.

Don't worry. Don't worry. There will not be an abundance of us. And awkward. Yeah, we basically. just want Monday to be shining light on the amazing guests that we get and we want Thursday to kind of be more of our our Instagram, our chaos, our lives and you guys. So going forward, that's what you can expect from Mondays and Thursday episodes. I think we probably teed this up

to sound like a huge. A really big deal. Yeah, like we've got a new host or something. But it's not really that big. But it's big to us. But we also have one more big announcement before we get into Tommy. Oh my God. We do. We have a really big announcement. Hold on to your hats ladies and ladies we're going on tour we are going on tour we are doing our first ever live tour and it's really soon it's really soon like sooner than i'm like realizing way sooner than i'm comfortable with these guys were doing the dates i was like the fuck it's going to be awesome i'm so scared what if no one comes please please come please come please come we promise you it will be fun we can't promise that we can't promise it but we will try our best to make it fun that's all we can

offer. So as of today, we are announcing it. As of Wednesday, pre-sale becomes available. So keep a close eye on our Instagrams and should I delete that Instagram. On Thursday, you'll be able to officially buy tickets for the Should I Delete That Live Show. No, no, fucked it. For the Should I Delete That Live Tour. It's bigger than a show. It's many shows. It's bigger than a show. Should we run down through the confirmed route and dates. We're going regional. We're going regional. Region are they?

I hate that. I just said that. He hated that so much. Hated that so much. I died inside. 23rd of May, we are in London. We are in the Islington Assembly Hall for the podcast show as part of the podcast show, which is what we did last year, which was so good.

Loved it. Yeah. On the 27th of May, we're going to Manchester. Just outside of Manchester. We're just going outside of Manchester. Just a place that I said wrong. We're going to Solford, Lowry Key. There you go.

28th of May, we're going to Glasgow, St. Luke. We're going to go to Scotland. I've only been like twice. Fuck, same. Yeah, I'm going to mention that I ran the marathon, but you all know that. Never mentioned it before. On the 2nd of June, we're going to Birmingham at Crescent Theatre. Third of June, Bristol Redgrave Theatre.

And for the final show, on the 4th of June, we are going to the Southampton Engine Room. That sounds fun. It sounds mechanical. And that's it for now. however if and it's a big fat if if the demand is there this could be extended if it isn't forget you heard that you never heard that this is it

one hit wonders Alex and M please please come oh no we shouldn't beg that's so bad that's so embarrassing don't come come if you want who cares I don't care take your leave it we're really not bothered we're so chill if if no one's bought tickets by next week we might be begging then But as of today, no beg.

It chills. So much chill. Okay. Take it or leave it. The tickets are available. Buy them or don't. We don't care. But if you do happen to live around any of those venues.

Within like a 150 mile radius of any of them. Just think about it. It's around, I mean. Pop it on your tutu list. Yeah. If it's just, if it's on your way or out of it by a few hours, it might be fun. Yeah. Might be.

Yeah. I mean, no biggie. Like, just as any if you want. fuck this is going to be the next two months isn't it it's going to be me sending you 3am text like I can't do this I'm not doing I can't do this I refuse to open those I will literally block you I'm not hearing it fair um oh I've missed you so much oh my god I know I've really really I've really really missed it have you I've really missed it yes you've missed us guys we missed you I've like bury my head in the sand with everything and like it's and I've just been very excited to come

back and it was so nice to come to the studio this morning. Isn't it? Yeah, so nice. How, oh my God, people are going to have so many questions. I know. Well, yeah. You don't think. I don't know, maybe. How are you loving being a mum? I've got questions. Well, I know. I mean, like, obviously, we've seen you a bit and I know you've had a hard

time of it recently. But like, in all, all in all, how's being a mom, like, comparing to what you thought it would be? Well, I still, like, I still sunk in that I'm a mom. Like, when you say that, I'm like, what that's not I know and I was just saying you without a kid I'm like

nah are you sure you sure did that really happen I don't like I've got a child I've got a child who approved that

you know I know like who approved me to have a whole child a whole human doesn't feel right but I am really really enjoying it

I actually I mean we've had teething issues it's got teething already no no as in like oh

bloody hell He's 10 weeks old I'm just like Oh my God, is that possible? Yeah, he's got a full set coming through No, we've had You know

See, this is what I was worried about I was like, I don't even know If we're going to be able to speak You know, my brain feels a little bit like Mush and I was scared of getting here today And being like, I can't actually Get my words out I keep looking for words like in general

Day to Day-to-Day-Live that I can't seem to like grasp, you know? Very annoying But we're having, you know, there's been a few, which there always is with newborns, isn't there, there's always going to be stuff. But I just, it's true that everyone said, you know, everyone said, oh, you can't prepare for it, you just can't prepare for it. And I was like, is that really true? I'm a Virgo, watch me try.

So I try my absolute hardest. I could not have prepared any harder and it is, it is true. Yeah, they just become, just, it's very extreme. The emotions are so extreme. So extreme. There's not a rational moment. Right. There's not one moment of rationale in existence in my life anymore. Yeah. I feel like I've cried harder and more, but I've also like my cheeks have hurt from smiling more at the same time. Yeah. And it's a very weird.

Everything is more extreme. So much more extreme. So many hormones, but you're also just so fucking tired. So many hormones that got my period yesterday as well. Oh, bloody hell. I haven't even properly, I've only had a two-dayer. Have you? Well, mine only lasts for like three hours. Really weird. really weird yeah i mean it kind of did before anyway weird periods yeah you haven't had a period

in ages i know i know that's actually kind of cool it is it is good yeah i was excited but then it kind of just went but still it was there something happened mine came back in january and then it went away again and had it for like an hour and then i was like i see yeah and then i in february i got like a two-day and i was like ha ha and then it's gone again somebody buckling did it hurt yeah yeah but that's really cool that you've had them because you didn't have

them before that was why yeah didn't have them yeah yeah i didn't have them so yesterday was like the the This weekend was so bad, but part of me was like, I think I'm catastrophizing everything in my head. I can't be sure that this isn't rational. And then when my period came, I was like, ah, yes. I might have been catastrophes. That meme that's like, it's the end of the world. I will never, I will never survive living. Like, I hate everything. I hate my life. And then she looks down and there's like blood in the knickers. And she's like, oh, it's like that meme. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I have my period. Where was I? Extreme. Everything is extreme. And the hormones are

What? Those first two weeks, the hormones, I have never felt anything like it in my life. Some of the selfies, I think you sent me a photo and my Alex was like, how's girl Al? And she showed him this photo that you sent me, you like, I haven't stopped crying for three days. I was like, yeah, I don't know. I think she's all right. I couldn't really see her. I mean, they were so swollen. They're like happy tears, though? I don't know. It was the hardest I've ever been hit by emotions, by hormones, by everything. And I took so many artificial hormones that I was like, oh, I'll be fine.

Like I'm used to hormones. No, no. It was like times a thousand. I don't know. I can't even explain what the tears were. They were half, like, Dave would walk into the room, and I'd be weeping, and he'd be like, what now? And I'd be like, I've just thought that he might get bullied when he's older in school, you know? Like, and then he came in another time, and I was crying, and it was because he just lost his first eyelash.

And I didn't know what to do with it. And Dave was like, oh my God, do I need to call someone? Do I need to call your mom? Just so irrational. But yeah. No, it's not. I mean, like, well, yeah, but it also just hits you sideways. Yeah.

Like the night before Arlo's first birthday, I sat and came out of nowhere. Yeah. And I just sobbed. I just sobbed. And it's like, there's nothing. And then she woke up on her actual birthday exactly the same. It was like, I was like, I was like, a part of my baby. She's not going to me in the morning.

I was like, hello. Obviously you're exactly the same as what you were, but you're not rational. But that's a huge milestone as well. But you can't get, I don't know, everything. Yeah, all I turned one while I was away. Yeah, she did. Like, you've got a baby, I've got a kid. I know, a toddler.

Yeah, walking, quite badly talking. Like, she's all over the place, this speech. But yeah, like, yeah, she wore. I mean, you've seen her. She walks. I know, she proper walks. I know. No, never achiever man

She did that so early So cute Yeah, I know She is so cute And she loves Tommy Like she loves babies But she was so excited I've got a photo for the day

After her first birthday When we came down to see you And she just points him It's like she just like Baba She really like I know She's trying to kiss him

Oh gosh all she does And she loves me Which is so unusual No child ever liked me Your kid likes you Well yes But thank God Thank God. That was a big worry, wasn't it?

Even my nephew. I know, Arlo does love you. She does. It's so sweet. It's good vibes. Thank God. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. There's so much to catch up on.

I know, life's flow. So much to catch up on. Jesus. Do you feel like you're finding your feet now? Like, it's been, and the 10 weeks is still not very long, but. Definitely. And I think I suddenly understand why you need to walk. And why you love getting out of the house so much.

Thank you so much for understanding me. not understood that until he was born. Yeah. And now it is like the best medicine. I'm really pleased to hear that like you found that because someone said to me before she was born it was like and it works for adults too. But it's like with kids either get them outside or put them in water and like that will fix all your problems.

Yeah. Like outside or in water and it's been. Water? Give them a bath. Okay. I'll take him for a walk. He does love the bath. Yeah.

I mean, who doesn't? I would love. I mean, I wouldn't like to be bathed because it would be. incredibly awkward particularly in the way that she's bathed like flannel between the butchings sits for a second I don't think I'd love that

however like all your favourite people sitting around you like why are you just like playing with your talk like what a tree that is such a treat and this nice warm water yeah and just like it's all just a hoot oh yeah that's yeah

I love the bath she pooed on the bathroom floor night before last. Does she? Yeah. Does she poo in the bath? We've yet to have one in the world. Oh my God. I don't mind that I can handle that.

But the bathroom floor felt like a bit of a dirty protest. I'm going to tell a story that my sister's going to kill me. I won't say which sister. There you go. I won't say which sister. But when I was little, I was bathed with one of my sisters. It's definitely Jen. And she's the next one down in age.

It's the logical. It's the logical. She pooed in the bath. Jen. And she'd been eating tomatoes. And I, like, recognize that the poo was, like, had tomatoes in it. And I have never eaten tomatoes since, to this day. Have you not?

Nope. Jen! The only time is when there's accidentally, like, a tomato seed left in a sandwich, and I will gag. Because of the poo? I think, I think anything that's happening between, like. I just can't, I have a real aversion to tomatoes. And it's all her fault.

How old are you? Because it sounds like you're probably like 10. Like, it sounds like you were old enough to really have a form of two. You know, really find this event traumatic. I don't know how old or else. That's my moment, actually. I'm not sure. But it was old enough to recognise what was going on.

And I'm, yeah, anyway. Katia pooed in the bath once. So gross. Yeah, this is bobbed by me. I was like five years older than her. I was like, ugh. That is gross. Yeah.

It's gross. I want Arlo to poo in the bath because I think it's really funny and she's just not done it yet. We've had one in a towel and one before and one after. The one after was her first bath. Oh, I poo solid now. What do you like at all? years old. Yeah, yeah. She pears like a person. Seriously. Because we're not breastfeeding anymore. So it's just, it's just food. Completely not breastfeeding. No.

Completely. Completely. Gone. Oh my God. I'm so happy. I bet. It was time. It's like, it was time. It's like, I was so in love with it. And it was so good until it just wasn't. And everybody said like, oh, I'll make up the choice for you. She'll make the decision. And I kept begging her. I was like, make it, make it. And then my friend said to me, she was like, why would she? Like, everything in her life is so good. Why would she ruin it? And then I was like, oh, so I'm going to ruin it. And I'm massively overthought it.

And I really wanted to stop at Christmas. And then I knew we were going to Japan in January. And obviously, I'm ripping away from her home comforts. I'm on a 14-hour flight. I'm like, I'm not taking away. The only comfort that she's got, what an idiot. So I kept to going to Japan. Then I thought, I'm not going to do it just before our first birthday.

But every day that went past, I was just resenting it more and more because I talk about it now. But in the time, I didn't want to talk about sleep because people are quite, like, opinionated. or judgy, I guess, would be the word. Not our listeners, but, you know, like, there was just a lot of judgment around baby sleep. But anyway, we were co-sleeping pretty much for the last, like, eight months because she was such a bad sleeper.

Yeah. And someone said, it's like, if you don't use the dummy, then you'll be the dummy. And it was like, I was the dummy. You were the dummy? The big human dummy. Massive dummy in every sense of the word. Because she'd wake up at, like, 9 p.m. And that would be that, like, she wouldn't go back down for love nor money.

We didn't do, I didn't want to do cry out or anything. So it was just like, well, in with me then. And it was a very unrestful and she would just feed. And the dehydration, like the thirst that I have had and then trying to do this alongside marathon training. Like, I've been making myself sick with dehydration. And I'm drinking five or six liters of water a day with hydration sachets. And it was like it just wasn't even touching the size because she was feeding all night long.

And it was just too much. And I was just going to really resent it. And then like we just decided. And it was, I'm really proud of myself because I didn't make the last feed a big deal. it was just like okay I fed her one Alex did a couple of nights

like keeping her away from me in the night time like with him just trying to hold on to her trying to co-sleep with him and it wasn't ideal but it was fine okay

and then he would be bringing her into me at 5am in the morning and like that was the kind of deal for like three nights it was like let's just get her through the night she can get till 5 without milk because she doesn't need milk at this age anyway

and that's what we're trying to do and then I did one morning at 5 on a Monday morning and then the next morning I just thought no that's it we're not going to do this today because if not now where And you just didn't.

Yeah, and I just thought, let's just get up. It's five. You know, we can just get up for the day. We don't need to come back. And she was okay. Yeah, she was distracted. She didn't care. You know, I wasn't trying to make her sleep.

She was like, oh, cool, toys. Got over it. Right. And then within two days, she doesn't care for them anymore. My God. Does she still, like, go for it. Go for the boo. It's just so, like, it's so gross.

But, like, when she would feed from one, she'd play with the other one, just like, hold it in her hand and, like, squish it and stuff. So she still does that as a comfort thing, I think. Okay, which is fine. Quite painful because I've had my stitis. I'm like, go off. It's not ideal. But yeah, then it's fine, yeah.

Okay. But it's like from the day we stopped, like for two days, it was like there. And then as the milk started drying up, and she just, and we got her on to follow on milk. But no one tells you how to stop breastfeeding. That must be very, very difficult. Yeah. Especially so exclusively, best breastfed. And I was, I weaned her down because I was like, I was doing it during the day.

Then I stopped doing it during the day because of childcare and it was like too difficult. And I hate pumping. I always hated puppy I felt like a fucking dairy cow It's just so indecent Like I don't know I just I didn't I really didn't

I need masks like I had to But yeah Yeah so and then I got it down To just doing it night time And then I dropped the bedtime feed So I was like I was trying for a long time On my own logic

But I didn't really know There wasn't much available In terms of like how to stop It's mad Because there's so much I'm like teaching how to do it And then when it comes to And then the fucking hormone drop

When you stop Jesus Christ Is it bad It's chaos Is it? It's chaos. Oh, God. How do you feel about, like, not breastfeeding?

So it was brutal at the time. Yeah. So I think I talked about it in the podcast. I did talk about it on the podcast. I had a breast reduction years and years and years ago. So I thought beforehand, I'd made peace with like, oh, I'm not going to be able to breastfeed because I've had this. And then I went to antenatal classes just because I didn't have a fucking clear about babies.

And I was shitting myself. And a lot of people were like, nature's strong, nature's strong, you're going to get milk, you will get milk, okay, you might not get like the full amount of milk, the people, but you will, you will get milk. So that started to make me think, okay, well, I'm going to give it a go and maybe it will work and I guess I got a bit excited about it as well because I just never thought I'd be able to, but I just kept hearing this nature's strong, people kept saying nature is strong, Nature's strong. So we tried it in the hospital and it was a few midwives tried it. And he just wouldn't, he wouldn't, he wouldn't latch. He wouldn't even come close to latching. And he would

get so upset and frustrated. And like my nipples aren't like very prominent. I think you have to have like quite prominent nipples, right? And they just weren't very prominent. What do you mean my prominent? Like sticky out. I don't have very sticky out nipples. Really. But then I didn't have a rest reduction. Also, you know, like, you know, it makes a difference. Well, yes.

And the midwife said you might have a problem because your nipples are prominent. Keep trying. We kept trying and he was just getting so upset. Yeah. So we started, we did formula in hospital because I couldn't get clostrum beforehand or anything like that. I tried, but I couldn't get any. And then when we got home, like I felt, I thought I felt like milk come in. So I was like, right, I'm going to pump.

I borrowed my sister's rest pumps. So I was like, I'm going to pump. And I did, I think I sent you. You did. I did, like, I literally tried for, I think it was like two days every three hours. That's right. I was trying and on like the hardest setting and going for half an hour at a time. And I was like, I'm going to make this work.

Because I could feel like my boobs are sore. And I was like, I'm sure there's milk in there. Yeah, yeah. It's excruciating when it comes in. Don't want me about that. See, I feel full of marbles. It really didn't feel like that. could just feel something.

It didn't feel like crazy. Yeah. And then, so yeah, I said, I'm the notification. You get, like, the, it syncs up to an app, the pump sync up to an app. And it sent me, at the end of all of this, it sent me a notification that said, congratulations, well done. You have successfully expressed zero milliliters. I was like, fuck.

Oh my God, that is savage, that notification. And then Dave was like. They should definitely, that would take two seconds to switch the algorithm. Wouldn't it? So then it doesn't quite... Unfortunately, you did not. Yeah, sorry. Well done, though.

Good try. I think it could be really nice about that. I'm so sorry for you, but... It was brutal. And then, because Dave the whole time was just like, stop, why are you doing this? Stop doing this. Like, he's happy on formula.

But especially when those hormones are like so raging. I was just like, I've got to dry. I've got to try. I mean, is this like societal... You even had a message this morning that was like... Yeah. About the kind of inference that not breastfeeding is like a vanity thing. Or like,

there's so much judgment in this space. I hope you did it for medical reasons, not vanity reasons. And I was like, I can't even believe you're saying that to me. I just blocked her straight away. Did you? Yeah, I did, because I'm just not in the icon. I'm not in the space for that. Yeah.

And I was like, that just seems like a really... People are so judgmental. Yeah. There's so many, yeah, there's so much conversation around like breastfeeding and formula feeding or caesarean birth or co-sleeping or whatever. And it's just like, we're all doing a fucking best. I know, we're trying. So, yeah, so I didn't rest, so then I was like, that's it.

But also, if you had just made the decision on the very first day, I don't want to do this. Fair fucks. I know, I know. For all kinds of reasons, people don't want to do it. Yeah. And even if someone doesn't do it for vanity reasons and what. Yeah. Yeah, if doesn't do it for vanity reasons and what, let them do what they want.

Yeah. It's not like they're being like, okay, now they'll let the baby starve to death. Exactly. It's like, other milk is available. Yeah. Yeah, I find it. They're still fed. And I don't know.

I've been feeling a lot of this, like, maybe, I think a big part of it is because breastfeeding is so intent. And like, I don't know if, I don't know, I don't know if it's this like, we need everybody to suffer with us. Yeah. I don't know if it's like, I don't know. I'm just using breastfeeding as an example, but I do see it a lot in like the mum space.

And I think so much mum shaming comes from people we perceive to be having it. easier than us for whatever reason. Yeah. And we are angry with them for making the choice that we didn't make. Possibly. Yeah. Because there have been times that I've resented breastfeeding recently. And I look at people like really random.

Like people who have kids at the same time as you online that you kind of make friends at them. Obviously, Molly May. How did that go? Malston breastfeed. No, not actually Molly Mae. But like Shauna Phillips, like she had a little baby just after me. Yeah. And she doesn't breastfeed.

Okay. And it's so easy to project your assumptions onto somebody else because I would look at her and be like, oh man, like she's got this freedom because or like there are other people who, other mothers who aren't breastfeeding, because I still haven't done a night away from Arlo and for loads of reasons I don't feel ready to. But when other people go away, I think like, oh, and rather than looking at me and being like, oh, poor me because of like this is frustrating for me. Like instead of looking at myself and being like, this is my choice and everything's fine,

the instinct is to like I don't know what to pull the other person back rather than pulling yourself forward yeah I get that yeah yeah when you're really tired and like I haven't actually yeah yeah like I haven't actually actively done that but I can see particularly when I got to the end of breastfeeding and I was starting to resent it where I felt like oh my God like I'm jealous and it's like jealousy is not a nice emotion and obviously the power was within me to just stop um yeah and I feel so much better and I'm really easier than done easy well exactly yeah it's Yeah. So I wonder sometimes that we don't get this like random. I don't know if that's where some of the shaming comes because I don't understand why anyone else would care what you feed your baby.

They don't care. And that's the thing. Yeah. That's the thing. They don't care. They don't care about my baby. No. That, you know, she's even though no one has, well, actually two people have said it online, but even before like nobody actually said to me explicitly, you need to breastfeed. Yeah. Formula feeding is bad. Breastfeeding is good. No one actually explicitly said that. But you just. you gleaned that from... The tone and... Yeah, I don't know. I don't even know where I just, I don't know.

Yeah. It's just, it's a minefield. And then like you're saying, like I'm in that same group of girls, they're all breastfeeding and talking about their breastfeeding problems. And like, rather than me thinking like, oh God, I'm lucky that, you know, we're... Well, we're not lucky at the moment with feeding because it's a fucking nightmare and he's got a protein allergy. But rather than me thinking, oh, I'm glad I don't have these breastfeeding issues, I'm jealous.

Yeah. I'm looking at them and being like, oh, I wish I was able to breastfeed. Yeah. It's really interesting, isn't it? Because I just think, I don't know, I feel like of all the spaces this is the most. And I didn't really understand it, but the longer that I'm in it, I do get it so much more. I get the, but it's so easy when you're using yourself, like, as a stick to measure up, everybody else by. And like, I do it.

So I do it with sleeping. Oh, my God. Like, I would follow it. Like, when I followed Ashton. And Ashley, James, at the beginning, her baby's a month younger than Rale. Yeah. And at the beginning, she slept and Asher would put up, like, she'd sleep from seven, seven till seven or whatever. And I'd be like, fuck.

Like, and the, and it's not Ashley's fault. Like, and in my heart, I'm like, I'm so happy for you. Like, I'm so happy for you. And people still say to me now, they go, I'm so sorry. Like, if I say, like, oh, how are you? And they go, I'm, yeah, my baby sleeps. I'm so sorry. And, like, everyone apologises to you that, that you're like, you don't need to say sorry.

Like, I'm really happy for you. you but you're sad for you I'm so but then I like yeah my rational brain is like no this is great that's there's hope there's hope there's hope there's hope there's hope if this baby can sleep so can mine if your baby can sleep maybe my next one will like it is all good and you can garner the positives but when you're feeling so tired and vulnerable and like it's all your fault and you're doing badly and blah blah blah it's so easy to be like oh my god everyone's got their shit to get there apart from me sleep is the absolute worst lack of sleep is the absolute worst yeah It's torture

Even if you, like, lashed out of people Like, get it Yeah But I would actually understand And I now need to say this quietly And say with a sorry Since I stopped restfeeding Yeah

Oh, I've stopped And I'm like Are you kidding If I'd have stopped like eight months ago Oh my god So she woke up last night at 2.45 And pretty much been up since then So ignore last night

Okay For a week in a row She slept until 5 a.m. You're joking. This whole fucking line. From when? From 6pm. All I had to do was stop breastfeeding. Oh my God, that's incredible.

So we get up at 5 now, but I'm an early bird anyway, I don't mind. I mean, if you're getting your stretch, like that it probably feels divine to wake up at 5 with that stretch. I don't care. That is so good. Oh, well done Arlo. I'm so proud of her. Oh, how to do we stop bloody breastfeeding. Who knew?

At least you've done it now, though. at least you're sleeping now yeah yeah yeah oh my god 100% but it's just yeah I guess all of that's just to say like it's so easy how we it's so easy to see how people end up lashing out and judging and because you just yeah yeah it's intense

it's really intense if you felt like secure within your role like as a mom yeah that's good yeah but I even even pregnant I didn't feel secure and I was comparing myself to everyone you're insecure now oh it's still insecure

Oh are you? Yeah, definitely. I mean, I have been this whole time. Like, even, yeah, when I was pregnant, I think I got like so, like, I was comparing myself to everyone, like, people are pregnant at the same time as me and still able to, like, move and do stuff. And I was just like, I couldn't. And, and now, but I think, I think I'm like that anyway. I think I'm a very skilled person. What? Tragic. You figure what? I think I'm not, I'm not very, I don't really, have very strong convictions in myself and my abilities and I think Dave's had we've me and Dave have been through this since he's been born because I especially at the beginning and I still do have quite bad anxiety around him but like I used I kind of freaked out

about changing him or about like picking him up like I was worried that was going to hurt him or that like I wasn't doing it properly and I kept being like I'm just useless I'm just useless like can't do this and Dave was like sat me down and was like this is crazy like you're doing well you just need to like let that go you're doing great um but it's hard it's especially because I feel like I've never been I don't know that you know my mom said always said to me like you're not very maternal like she couldn't really see me with kids or like people I don't know so I just I've always felt quite insecure about that but I think you're doing so great with him but I remember saying this to you when you're pregnant

when you have a baby you're not having a baby forever you're having a kid you're having a child yeah that's weird he is not like I see you with Arlo and you are amazing with her and she loves you but she loves you and because she picks up on your energy and you're really confident with her

because now she's sturdy and she tumbles and then she gets back up again and she laughs and she eats and like there's so much less the anxiety around a child or a toddler is so much less than it is around a newborn. Yeah. And this is, and I said it to you so many times over the last few weeks,

but this is temporary. This tiny bean of uselessness is not what he's going to be forever. Soon he'll be able to hold up his own head. I can't wait. And like feed himself and communicate with you. And you're going to really thrive then. And like I'm so short and I'm so hopeful that like it will click for you soon that you're an amazing mum.

But I think it's going to get so much easier for you when he gets bigger I do too I keep thinking I just can't wait for him to be a little bit more robust unless fragile

if I put a vest on her or whatever she puts a hand it's like oh thanks babe that's so good like it's little stuff like that like it's in those moments

that you're going to build such a bond with him and not worry about breaking his arm or like catching a finger I'm scared I'm going to catch a finger do you have any idea

how bendy they are like they're bonkers bongers yeah I can't I can't wait until he's just a bit older. And intrusive thoughts are very real. Yeah. Very real.

Yeah. I always saw those reels were like intrusive thoughts I had as a mom. I was the first time mom. I never really, I just didn't really think about it. And now I'm like, no, I get it. I really do get it. The intrusive thoughts are very real. I promise you this bit.

Like, I've said it to you so many times at the last few weeks, but it's so temporary. That's why I was so emotional when I was the first birthday because you just look back at all the very first birthday. versions of her but also all the versions of you like you're going to change so much this year and you already have done and you won't realize it maybe until you're a bit further on and you look back but this will just make you and yet like it's going to be the making of you and you don't feel like it's happening now because it's vulnerable as hell but like you are going to

come through this and you're going to come through it feeling really strong and really confident yeah I hope so no you will there will come a time yeah but nature's really kind like nature's strong stronger than kid and wasn't great with the milk but it's going to be great with the other shit yeah I hope so you're doing really well well and he's great and he's growing he is growing he is growing he's putting on weight which is good babies do I keep saying to be like statistically basically basically speaking most of them they're just fine and everyone keeps saying to me they're more robust than you think the more I bust than you think they have to be like think about Nate like I think I think I think I think I think I think I think

I said this to you before. I remember the news in 1996 or 1998 or whatever, 98 maybe. There were the floods in Mozambique and there was a woman had a baby up a tree. She had a baby up a tree. I think about it all the time. I remember you said when I said my anxiety is really bad and you sent me that. And I was like, okay, yeah. Yeah, it just, it really helps put things in perspective and I'm like, if that baby can survive up a tree. Yeah, then like Tommy's going to be fine. I'm essentially putting like wrapping in bubble wrap. Yeah, I can do this.

Yeah, he's literally in cottonwall. He's going to be fine. Yeah. Okay. We didn't even talk about... We didn't even talk about him getting here. Oh, God, yeah. Tell us about the birth. The birth.

Oh my God. That day. So I had a C-section, I planned on. And so we got the date and mine was an afternoon slot, which I was ghost about. Because I was just like, oh my God, what the hell am I going to do that morning? It was so awful. Yeah, because you can't eat either. You can't eat.

You have to get up at 6 a.m. to eat a piece of toast, which I, really did not want to eat. I was gacking while I was eating this piece of toast. Like, it's 6am. I don't want this. And then you can't eat. You get to drink like half a bottle of ribina like an hour before. Did you? Yeah. They told me too. I don't know. I think it's to like keep you sugar or going or whatever. And so it was an afternoon slot and so Dave and I, there's an industrial estate by the hospital and we just wandered around like aimlessly wandered around the shops. We walked around M&S for it must have been an hour.

That's torture though when you're hungry. And a man came up to me and he was like, when are you due? And I was like, today I'm going in now! And he was like, oh, okay. Don't get your juices on my shoes. Good luck. It was so surreal. And then my family all came to the hospital. Did they?

Hilariously, they all arrived before us. That is, your family are honestly ridiculous. Like, why has no one filmed you all yet? I looked on find my friends just we were in the industrial state I looked on find my friends and I was like oh my god they're all at the hospital

every single one of them was at the hospital that's so sweet which was really nice it definitely made it I think it like it did freak me out there because I was like oh god this is a really big deal

of all my family are here this is a really big deal and like I'm trying to think it's not a big deal but this is a really big deal so obviously I had a meltdown and cried and then we so then we went up to the room

and I you won't believe this but I had a nap and the midwife had to wake me up to go into surgery and she was like this is the first time I've ever had to wake someone up

to go into surgery what the fuck what was everyone else doing while you were just having a nap so it was just because we tried to watch something on Netflix I was like I can't concentrate

also I'm really tired I'm just going to have enough oh my god that's absolutely that's so chill so I did that's hilarious I know I know for you

I think part of it turns out my iron was very low. I had to have a transfusion. No, I had to, they ordered in blood for a transfusion because I didn't, I just didn't realise it was low. I think part of it was that, but hilarious still. That's so good. And her preeclampsia. I know, what the fuck. I know, I know. I feel like the writing was on the wall where because he was so small. I feel like I could have diagnosed him preeclacia and I literally failed biology. I know. I was like, this doesn't feel right like you were so swell on the day of Dave and I were just like looking at my knees like where are my kneecaps I can't find them I can't find my kneecaps when we came when Alex came to

see you for the first time since Tommy was born and I knew I knew he fumbled it when he was like oh wow you look amazing you've deflated it I was like babe don't say that no it's true it's it was definite deflation I was it was so it was so crazy at the end I don't believe that no one looked to you and thought, she's showing all the symptoms for this one devastatingly serious condition. I went in. They took my blood pressure when I went in. It was like 185 over like 100 and something.

And she was like, oh shit. That's bonkers. I know. So it was fine because the cure is getting your placenta out. Obviously I was getting it out then. So, yes, I had to be woken up to be taken down to the theatre. lol I can't believe

you had a nap I know hilarious and I'd slept like the whole night before we had such a different birth my sister

Genevieve have been awake from the 3 30 because she's so nervous for me and I literally my alarm went me up 6 o'clock to go and eat my toes

I was just like the night before I went into hospital before I was in juice I was in bit I didn't sleep a minute I didn't sleep a minute did you not a minute

and then I was in late for two days I was more tired I slept better when she got here than before she was good did you God yeah I said what was wrong with me ridiculous.

Well, good for you. She's very relaxed. It's great, though. Everyone always says like, oh, sleep. Sleep, well, you can. You did that literally. I did. I made the most of that.

And yeah, and then we went down to surgery and I have to say that the C-section was so, so good. Like, genuinely, and you said it would be a really nice experience and it was. It was a really, really nice experience. Yeah. I mean, it's not for everyone. It's not for every, like emergencies. Yeah. Like, I still had a.

But if you listen, I had an emergency caesarian and I still think it was the most positive. I had an incredibly positive birth. Yeah. And so I'm so pleased that you got that too. Yeah, I really did. And I know you were so anxious about everything about it, like the surgery element and stuff. Yeah. It was like, it was just, it was really, really not.

I mean. They do it in such an amazingly, like, I don't know, humane way I felt. Like I never felt at any point like I was just like a patient. like or like I don't know it was like when I came in it was like everybody in there introduces themselves and like and the anesthetist is so chatty and like are you have you boy or girl and everyone talks to you and I think maybe like I don't know I just and they talk between themselves which I really liked yeah I heard them talking about mundane to me mundane stuff between themselves and I was like this is so nice this is reminding me

that was like yeah like this is no big deal to them yeah on my birth video Alex video the whole thing and I was watching it just before this birthday and the guy was talking the two, the anaesthetist and one of the midwife were talking about how they go to the same leisure centre and like, and it was like and so I know all about the opening times of like

she said, I love that, I love that. But yeah, when I read this and back, I'm like that is so comforting that this is just what they do. Yeah, it felt it felt really nice and they were all like, oh we're just taking bets on like whether it's a boy or a girl. I love that. Yeah, they were all like, they were all think it's a girl.

They were all wrong. They were all wrong. Everyone was wrong. It's so weird. My mom wasn't wrong. My mom wasn't wrong. And she came to the house and she went, she walked just before Tommy was born. Just after Tommy was born, she went, or maybe just before.

I think it was just before. And she went, are you pregnant? I was like, no, why? She's like, because I've seen four magpies. Someone's having a boy. Oh, really? And I was like, well, it's not me. And she was like, well, who else would it be?

I don't know anybody else pregnant. Who else would it be? And then, like, literally like the next day you had Tommy. I was like, oh. Oh, well done, fronty. That's great. Yeah. Everyone thought it was a girl.

I thought it was a girl, because everyone thought it was a girl. And I got shock of my life when he was lifted up, and I was like, that's not a girl. They're definitely not a girl. What? What, what? And it's so weird, they're like, they're born so quickly after they go in, aren't they? Yeah, so they say that the baby's born in the first 10 minutes, and then the final 40 minutes is them getting the placenta out and stitching your back up. I just thought it would be so much longer to get to them.

But before we knew it. Although we knew it. Oh, was she far up? She was just chilling, yeah. Just like, I'm happy here. She's like, fuck off. I'm warm. Yeah, like literally before I knew it, they were like, oh, he's about, or the baby's about

to be born. Oh. I was like, fuck. Was Dave a mess? He was a mess, yeah. Weirdly, I didn't cry. How weird is that? No, I get that you're so much of general thing.

It's too much, yeah. He was a mess. Dave was an absolute mess, yeah. Stunning. Did he cut the cord? And he cut the cord. Yeah, he cut the cord. Yeah, he cut the cord.

and while they were, like, sorting him out, they gave me a little camera that was on him. Yeah, which was really nice, so I could just watch. Yeah, and I was like, oh my God, that's my baby, what the hell. And they put him on you? Yeah, then they put him on me. Isn't that amazing? I was just crazy.

I was like, he's going to slip, she's going to slip, she's going to slip. Oh my God, it's just such a, it's just so bizarre, isn't it? You're like, even though you should know them so well because they've been in you, but you don't. No, she's a stranger. like what oh it's just very amazing it's just crazy yeah it's just like unbelievable and those like days were we're in hospital which sounds so weird to say but they were honestly like the best days of my life no it's not weird that's so great out because we're it was weird because we're in

hospital but i just i was just like you had the most amazing like how what a privilege that you's had this incredible birth such a privilege i know because like my sister you know like yeah i just feel very lucky it's amazing and like i hope anyone listening who's anxious about it like you advocated for the birth that you wanted, that you got your plan C section, and you had such a happy day. And it's like that at the end of the day is the most important thing.

Yeah. And like I hope that anyone hearing that is empowered to have the confidence to advocate for what they want to because that's just stunning. And it's exactly what you should get. Everyone, I think surgery freaks some people out and they would much rather do a vaginal birth and, you know, whatever, whatever works for you.

But I couldn't, my anxiety couldn't have taken a vaginal birth. Like I just wouldn't have. Yeah. I was the other way around. And that's it though. Everybody has different wants and needs for themselves and that's the importance of like pushing for what you want because you have to feel or you deserve to feel

as like comfortable and confident in the start of this because the easier the start is the easier the rest of it is. Right. Because you had this amazing few days which is so important. And I think it's like feeling in control isn't it? And that was like I was so happy when they let me have, you know, I had to fight for a C-section. Yeah.

And I was so happy when they let me have it because I was like, it just, I needed that sense of control. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, I would have spent the whole pregnancy, like a total mess. Yeah. Because labor for me was,

there were too many unknowns and I just wouldn't, I needed that sense of control. So I was very happy I got that birth for sure. And then how long were you in the hospital for? Two days. I had to be monitored because of the... Preoam.

Yeah. So two nights we spent in the hospital. which yeah weirdly I just loved I didn't want to go home I get that it's all safe and it's so safe it's so weird when you leave how war's leaving oh my god that car journey back home

bonkers isn't it yeah I was like Dave was driving we had to go on a motorway and I was like is there any way we can alter the route so we don't have to go on the motorway and he was like no we have to go on the motorway and I was like can you just drive at like 40 miles an hour and he was like I can do 50, but like, even at 50, I was like, he's too, baby shouldn't be going this off. He's too fragile. I can't do this. He's too, oh, yeah, it was crazy. Um, and getting home then that was when like all the hormones came in. So that was, that was a bit tougher. Did you have the, the, the, the, the sort of, yeah. When did that come for you? Like day four, I think. Yeah. That's kind of, mine came at day eight. I thought I got away with it. Oh. I was like, f.

Look at this, I'm fucking flying, and the day eight, it went off a cliff. I was like, never bloody mind. It's so weird, isn't it? It's so weird. It's so weird. It's just like an absolute crash. Do you remember we had the hormone doctor on who was talking about that crash you have after pregnancy? You were pregnant when we interviewed her.

Dr. Rokad. Yeah, I probably didn't believe. It's like, don't want to hear this. Yeah. And she said, like, you get this huge crash afterwards. Yeah. I should, I should know what? I should send, I should send that photo to Emma to put up on socials, the photo of me.

was like having cried straight for three days I should send the photo it was hilarious how have you felt about like speaking about like putting photos on the Instagram and stuff like how have you felt about coming back and like wanting to come back I've felt the most vulnerable that I've ever felt on well in my life and also online that's why I blocked that woman this morning that was like I hope you're doing this for medical reasons not vanity reasons just like I can't have this in my space right now I'm too, I feel too fragile for it. But everyone has been so nice. That's so good.

Everyone's been so nice. I don't know what I was worried about, but just so nice. And I've had, he's had these problems with his feeding and he's got his allergy. And I've had so much advice and not just advice, just people saying like, you'll get through everything. It's going to be better. You'll get through this. And just people are so, so nice, honestly. Touch words.

It's been touched. A year, I haven't had any criticism. Have you not? That's a, and I expect it. Like I, you know, I need to co-sleeping. I've breastfed this whole time. I've had some stuff about breastfeeding, but give a shit. You know, that's just, that's a bit bizarre.

But like, in terms of me as a mom, no. Right. And I felt I'm so aware of certain choices that I make, you know, doing the marathon, for example, I think people are going to have things to say and I keep thinking. Like what? I don't know. I always think, like, because I'm putting.

pushing myself so hard and I think I'm making myself so tired and I'm like breaking myself in half and like I don't know I'm kind of expecting to get people being like I don't know I think maybe it's because it's my own insecurity where I'm I feel like I'm giving so much of myself to the running yeah but I just feel like I'm tearing myself in half to do it right and I keep getting I think it's my own and that's all that's all the stuff that hurts this is is our own insecurity right so like you know people voicing things that we're worried about and so I think I'm waiting for somebody to say to me oh like you're a shit mom for doing this when you should be with Arlo like that's what I think is going to happen right which hasn't because first of all she's a year old second of all she like for my mental health like I need like not a marathon

I think that was absolutely moronic I've got full regret I think I'm an absolute idiot and if I could quit I would but I need this like I the exercise stuff, like I need it. But even if you didn't like need it for your mental health, even if you just liked doing it. Yeah, like that's fine too. Yeah, and I've been really like...

And that's good for you and her. 100% she's seeing me choose myself. Right. She's seeing me like show up for myself and do this for myself and make myself proud. And like, it's so important. And those people have found me though. Those moms who want that for themselves

and do that for themselves and do the same thing as me. And we all do it differently, but like to feel that you've got this community because I've just been, I've been so unsure of like, am I doing the right thing? Am I, should I be, should I be doing this? Or anything, you know, with work,

you get guilt, you just get guilt all the time. Like that's the one thing that I've really taken away from this year is it's like constant guilt. And I never really want to voice it because you just feel all kind of ways about it, don't you? But like, you feel guilt about working. You feel guilt about seeing your friends.

You feel guilt about prioritizing yourself about any time. away from your baby and it's getting easier now she's older and it's getting easier now she's not breastfeeding anymore but you still have all this guilt and like I don't know to just hear from people who are like you got it bids like good for you like I'm proud of you like yeah you proud you do that I'm like I fucking love you it's so nice isn't it's so nice and it's sad that we expect it we're waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time right right and I'm sure people are judging us but they can do it quietly and I love that they are doing it quite I'm like

thank you for doing it quietly as long as you're not bringing it to my attention yeah Like, it's, that feels so, I don't know, like that's been the big, one most wonderful surprise. Same. And I'm even, I'm only 10 weeks in, same. That's been so, and I feel like it's moms who have, or just moms who have been there, I guess to some extent, all moms have been there. And it's a, it's just, I feel like they have a lot of empathy for where you are. Yeah. But you've been so vulnerable as well. and honest in the like saying I'm struggling this is hard I'm anxious like you're voicing the things that

for so many reasons moms don't often say because they're scared that I think people I think we have this crazy like misconception that if we say I'm scared or if we say I'm anxious or if we say I'm struggling people will assume people will infer that you're bad at it or you're failing like it feels like a failure to say

maybe historically it always was do you know I worry about doing it because I think for the people that are watching say like my stories watching my stories who aren't pregnant yet but thinking about it or are pregnant and seeing you know like I'm I'm suffering with anxiety or I'm finding this really anxious or this is horrible or whatever I don't know it's hard isn't it because you don't want to like scare anyone yeah but but you're not responsible you can't because because then on the other side if you don't I think what you're doing is so important in that you're giving so much strength and you know we I think we've had really different experiences with pregnancy and with birth yeah and with postpartum like even just

at the technique like I found the newborn stage really easy and I was really lucky yeah because Arlo didn't have we didn't have problems breastfeeding and therefore we didn't have any of the problems that you've had with the um with the allergy and then she slept kind of fine and and i was just so fucking happy not to be being sick anymore but i was just in like i don't know like i feel like we've had that bit differently and we'll have other bits differently and you're probably adore bits that i didn't love and vice versa and like that's just that we're all different humans with different kids doing the best for our whatever which is why i think it's so important that you're but you're voicing your truth because you are

going to be such a light and you're not saying this is this is motherhood yeah this is your motherhood my experience of it and it's so empowering that you're giving people that because anybody watching it who's looking around and everybody else is finding it bloody I was probably fucking insufferable after all I was born I was like woo love being a mom and I was suck a dick whereas you're you and in the same way that I've talked about it more now with the sleep deprivation and stuff and again it's like I don't put people off it but I can't pretend that everything's fine because that's not fair either. And the people that are going through the sleep deprivation as well will be like,

oh, it's so nice to read this. Yeah, and just feel seen. Yeah. And I think that's what you're doing. Like, don't underestimate the value in, and the bravery in what you've done. Because just by being you and by being honest, because it's so validating for people who'd feel, and mothers so often do feel invalidated at the beginning. You know, there's good in sharing with the world that you're a fucking mess.

basically. Exactly. Safety in numbers. I've been doing it for like five years now. I'm so, I'm so used to it. It's all gravy. I know, I think it's really powerful. And obviously it's touching. I just can't believe I said it's all gravy. I take that back. I put in our group WhatsApp this morning that it was groovy with a capital G. So I think we are tragic. I see you in your converse and me and my pattern tights. We're trying to be trendy. We're trying to be down with kids. We are old. We're haggard. We're a husband. Especially old.

Not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. I can slide across the kitchen floor now with my bare feet. Yes, I saw that. That's cool, one of energy that. Always can be so impressed. It's energy. It's energy.

A lot of energy. If I get diagnosed one more fucking time with ADHD, I swear to God, you should have seen my DMs after those stories. Your DMs are always like, have you got ADHD? Have you ever been tested for ADHD? Did you see all the comments on my reel yesterday? No. Hey, babes.

A lot of this is kind of indicative of near. I'm not diagnosing you but I'm like don't worry someone's already done it what was it talking about what a mess I am it was one of those the trend you did one like social media's fake here is something oh yeah okay yeah I um have you thought about ADHD on an honesty level I think I'm actually going to go and find an ADHD therapist yes I don't want to go on medication just yet okay but since motherhood yeah I have decided that like the feelings of Oh, no, I've been reading a lot about feelings of self-worth. Okay.

And how for women, particularly mothers with ADHD, you don't often feel, you often feel that you're not good enough. Okay. No matter what you do. And I've always kind of felt an extent of that. And I've always felt like a bit of like, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough. Not that I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough.

Okay. And particularly since Aalho's been here, I have this feeling of I'm not doing enough. and I physically can't do more like I am pushing myself so hard at work so hard in the fucking stupid marathon so hard in motherhood and I do feel secure in my role

there's a mom to her like I really feel like I'm a good mom and I just adore it I just it's the best thing that's ever fucking happened to me and I feel so good about it but I am pulling myself so hard and it's and I'm suffering yeah I'm really hurting myself

like I'm really beating myself up in a way that's just exhausting and I really think I want someone because I went to go and see Jacqueline and she's coming to talk to us next week or the week after about this because I literally want to talk to her about overwhelm

and she said it to me really clearly that she was like if things keep getting put on the top everything else will come out sideways like that's so inevitable that if you keep putting things on the top it will come out sideways

oh I like that I know and I can't stop thinking about it so my homework with her was do less simply impossible Jacqueline but thank you for your stupid suggestion but no no it was actually incredibly helpful to hear her say that yeah because and I think that's because that's what I've noticed with you is that you have this perception of like like you don't want to say like no to something and like not do something

and you'll like kill yourself to do it yeah whereas you know rather than be like do you know what like I'm gonna like I just can't do this and that's that. I feel like you, I don't know, you think that people think bad of you if you don't. It's not, it's really weird because I've got to this point where I'm like, I don't care what other people think about me.

I really don't. Yeah. It's what, like, it's what I feel like I have to do. And this is what's become so intense. It's like I'm putting this on myself in such a crazy way. And it's kind of fine because I really love my job. Yeah. And I really, like the marathon is important to me.

But it's been a really clear. um it's looking at it as a standalone thing i'm like what the fuck am i doing like why am i doing this yeah i know i mean i know what because like i haven't been sleeping like yeah like and i'm so tired but it's like i can't even let myself i don't know and i just i i always felt with the ADHD thing like i had the diagnosis and i was like i i i don't need to follow this i don't it never felt like a problem for me do you know what I mean yeah and now I'm like I am breaking myself and I need up would you consider just not doing the marathon I'm so fucking close now I honestly I really thought about it I actually said to Alex a few days ago I was like I'm just not going to do it like

it just seems like you know rather than taking little things off my plate let's just take this massive fucking steak off it and then there's a space for other stuff but I think like and it's not, you know, it's an option, but I've just, I've come this far now. And I'm so, I could run it tomorrow. It would be agony and slow and awful, but I could do it tomorrow. Okay, fine. So to pull out now would just be really, if I was going to pull out, I should have done it like a month ago. Why don't you stop training then? Nah, because now I'm like, well, I've come this bloody far. It's literally so close now. Okay. Okay. I do hear you. But I think basically what I need is, so what is it? What's that something? I think once this is over, it's actually, there'll be

something else. Obviously, I'm telling it that's stupid jumper. but um no no stop that no i can't because unless that's the instructions unless that's a nice hobby that you enjoy is something like to switch off it was nice and now I'm like ah the pressure it's my drum kit it's my it's my fucking it's your fucking drum kit it bloody is um but no I just I don't know and I want more kids and I and I and I love what I do and I just want more in life I want more of everything but I have to find a way to be able to handle it because yeah because the only person suffering I don't I don't think anybody around me is suffering apart from me.

Yeah. And I'm just really pushing so much pressure on myself. Yeah. No. I know. I know. Time to, no. Put some boundaries in place with yourself.

It's just literally it's just with myself. Yeah. And yeah. So I don't know. Something it's got to give. But I just, I think it is really interesting within the ADHD thing because it's like the first time that I've kind of felt like, you know what? I'm just going to own that.

And I'm going to accept that. and I'm going to look for help, specific help within that. Definitely. So if anyone knows any idea, I'm not even kidding, if anyone knows any ADHD to do those therapists. It's so worth exploring. Because I'm not ruling out the medication either, but I just, I would like to try the therapy first

because this personality is all I've ever known. So I don't really want to start altering. I've just stopped breastfeeding, so I don't want to put medication into this. Like, I just want to. Yeah, step by step, take it easy. But I think that's a really good step. Yeah.

I think that's a really good thing to explore. Because my feelings just feel so big. And I really just want to be able to regulate myself better. Yeah. It's interesting, isn't it? Because I feel really happy and really good. But I just have these massive feelings of pressure. Okay, I think this could be really good for you.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. And there's got to be loads of, that's a thing, right? ADHD therapist. So my friend told me about it a few months ago and I was like, okay, and he was going to do it. And I was like, that sounds really interesting. Let me know how you go.

And then I didn't really follow up with it. And then, yeah, like I know somebody else that went. Yeah, I know somebody else that went and did a specific one. Yeah. He's been really, it's all men, actually, but he's been really enjoying it. So, and then somebody mentioned it to me yesterday on my real. I was like, have you ever thought about therapy? I was like, yes.

Once or twice. It's come up. Because like, Jackie, yeah. Okay, so we defined you, an ADHD therapist. Yeah, also, maybe my session, maybe I'll, I'll session for Freudian slip. I'll session with Jacqueline next week. We'll do the trick. Can't wait.

Do you feel overwhelmed though? Like, how do you feel within your days? With, like, having a, like, living your life and then having a baby in it? Do you feel, you feeling good? Yeah, it's quite, I don't know if overwhelming is the right word, but it's, um, I mean, he doesn't, did all I go down, like, in a Moses basket or anything? Did she sleep in the day, like, not on you? Not really, because of breastfeeding.

Not at the beginning. Yeah. And then she got really good at sleeping in the buggy, which I just still do now. Yeah. She was both her napsed in the buggy still. Okay, that's good. Never got them in the cot. No regrets on that.

Do you know what? I need to try the buggy indoors. Because at the moment, he just will not sleep if it's not on us. I will do it with Arlo where I put her in the buggy outside. Yeah. Walked her and then if I couldn't be bothered to do the whole walk. I mean, at the moment, I just walk for hours and hours so she sleeps. But otherwise, then we just, because if we, London houses, you bring her in,

then someone puts a letter, something through the letter box, then bam. She's awake. I know, I know. I know. I know. And Betty. I betty or bark. Didn't want to throw her in it, but.

But yeah. Okay. So that helped. Because it's like, I need to get showered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you do that if you've got, I'm working now? Is he in the bouncer yet? He is in the bouncer, but he doesn't love it.

Like he would just rather be in my, in our arms. When he gets a little bit older, he might start enjoying that. Okay. Because I'll put him in it and then he, he doesn't cry, he's like, eh, ah, ah, like, macy. He's like, eh, eh, and I don't know, you read so much about like, don't let them cry. Don't let them cry out.

So that I panicked. That's not crying out, though. Is it not? No, no, no. Okay. This is what I've learned because I'm exactly the same. When Arlo, like, fucking shrieks. Yeah.

Like, you know the difference. Sometimes when she wakes up at night, she can get herself back down within a minute or two. Okay. So sometimes when she wakes up. Yeah. And I know when she's lying on her back, she's like, ah, ah. And it sounds like crying, but she's just, she's annoyed. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. They're annoyed. Yeah. There's a difference between annoyed and, like, devastated. And the second she's sad. you know the second it goes from annoyed to upset i'm like there and still there in a flash but like when it's annoyed i'm like honey bunny life's annoying get used to it but mommy needs to wash her hair it will only get more annoying okay that's good to hear because i don't i don't know

i'm just learning all this stuff like i'm just i'm trying to i don't know very you know it's just it's just hard it's just hard but do you feel like the balance like do you feel i don't know like the days like are they good day like i don't know because i used to get really about bedrred at like 5 p.m like where i'd be like oh yeah yeah and like i'd love the morning i'd be like oh thank god it's the day i loved the day i hate bedrude yeah it doesn't last a promise oh god i hate it um oh it's it's four o'clock for me then i'm like oh it's getting a bit dark no we i'm not kidding for ben shepherd i was a question on it the podcast was a question Oh my God, yes. I know, mad.

Is that the one with the coins? Yes. Oh my God, like the thing in the arcade. Yes, yes, yes, exactly that. When we were struggling with Bedread, which was like so, because I'd get it like four or five. Okay. I'd go out and do my day. Yeah. And like, I think I'd, yeah, I'd go out and do my day, whatever that looked like.

And then I'd come back and like, it make a 4pm an enjoyable time because otherwise I'd get so down. So I'd put tipping point on. Yeah. And still now, me and Alex use it as our, like cocoon where it's like if we've had bad days or like the sleep that's been bad again it's like I'm going to put tipping point on okay I like that and it's like it it Lottie dryden actually told me to do this okay she was like when you because I was getting upset about the newborn bubble popping basically

when I was going back to work yeah and I was going back to work and stuff and she's like you just need to make make something so that you can go back into your bubble that's a really good idea tipping point just became our bubble so you'd put tipping point on at four and then the chase at five and it's like you just have a cup of tea and a biscuit like I just bought had biscuits in the house and had like a cup of tea and what a tipping point at four and it was like we had to be back by then and then it was like nothing got too scary and it was like we did tipping point chase bath time and then yeah I mean she wouldn't attempt at bed because breastfeeding she didn't I didn't start doing a bedtime until she's

about eight months old but like yeah but or whatever it looks like for you but that was just like became our routine and we still now do every night the bath and bed routine but exactly same. That's very nice. And then on days when we need it, we're calling Bradley Simmons and Ben Walsh and, is it Ben Welsh? Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Shepard. Ben, Ben, Spard and Bradley Walsh, my boys. I like, no deal, no deal actually. Maybe I'm going to start watching that. Even all, an old

Edmunds. It's not him anymore, though. No, because he went on, I'm a celebrity and everyone was upset. I used to dream about going on Jill or no deal. I used to. I could not think of a show I'd rather go on less. The anxiety. Oh no, because I always think with a game show, I'm like, you go into it, expecting nothing. And anything more than that is such a treat. So I just balls to the wall.

Go, go, go. And doing like, I hate, I can't bear the chase, actually. I don't know why I've made it my safe space and my bubble. Because... Chase is horrible. Agree. But when people think minus offers, I'm like, I hate you. I hate you.

Yeah, that's really bad. I hate you for what you've done. That's really bad. I don't think they deserve any money. Yeah. I'm obsessed with the brains of the chasers, though. obsessed. I want a chaser on the podcast so badly. Let's get one on. We tried Fran Hegarty. I think she said yes actually and I don't know what it happened. Let me investigate.

Oh my God, we need to chase her on. Yeah. And then it'll be an awe. For fun, they could just chase us around the room three times. Oh my God, maybe we could play a game of the chase. Like Daisy could be the quiz master. We wouldn't. Obviously we wouldn't be so good as a quidmaster. Yeah, you would be. But obviously we wouldn't win. yeah there's no point in doing that it's absolutely zero point you stand half a chance i just disagree but i am i panic under i panic under quiz pressure i don't thrive i have no confidence i i know the answer i know the answer but fucked if i'm going to say it i don't want to be wrong embarrassing especially if it's multiple choice because the answer's there it's not like you can't recall it it's right there you're just like you didn't know it

because you can't be like oh i knew that well if you knew it would have known it no no yeah so interesting. It's so nice to have you back. It's so nice to be back. God. What a, what a scramble. Like, honestly, you've just, you've had a kid and like, and now you're back. And like, we both started this podcast. Without kids. Without kids. So now we both have kids. That's weird. Yeah, we're in our mummer eras. Oh, that's really strange. I know. I do want to say on the podcast as well, though, that thank you so much for holding the fore. Em has done so. much to like me and daisy and daisy done so much to hold the fore and like you know keep things going in my absence and i appreciate it so so so so much thank you oh my god we missed you so much but obviously

they said that before you left we'll say again now like this you can't get this time back and as somebody who's obviously not taking my own advice you don't need to put this pressure on yourself like but it's nice because i feel like i've come back when i felt ready that's so important yeah like it's the most important thing. Yeah, which is very nice. We say it to each other all the time, but we're not brain surgeons. Like, we don't have to put this, like,

crazy pressure on our work. Like, most people think we've got silly, stupid jobs that don't count. I know. So I don't know why we take them so seriously. I was going to say, it's not nice to think, is it, that people don't actually need us.

No, God, not at all. Yeah, we put all this, but, God, yeah, we push it and, like, people need it and love all that. It's like, no, no one takes it seriously. If they write about you in the Daily Mail, all the comments would be, negative. Actually, that would happen anyway. Yeah. Even the Sunday Times.

Really? Well, probably. No one likes an influencer, Al. They don't do that. They fucking hate influencers. Absolutely despises. Fucking hate influences. Oh my God. We're the worst. If I see one more TikTok about like... Doing the influencer hands. Exactly. I thought one this morning. I was like, oh, piss off. I know.

You want me to sit on my hands? Oh, that all looks stupid. I know. I'm like opening a parcel as an influencer. Yeah. Or like making my coffee as an influence. and they're just like really over the top and like oh my god this is amazing this has changed my life it hasn't changed your life yeah they're de-influences i'm like oh piss off we're trying we're all just trying we're trying but also ha ha ha ha ha we'll laugh it we can take jokes don't we yeah crap on ha ha ha ha go on guys so funny i'm not triggered like not at all

oh it's you so much i know me too it's so nice to be back and this wasn't as scary as i'd like built it up in my head. Yeah. I just felt like I was able to, like, talk. I don't know. You nailed it. I've done, like, two Zoom calls, and both of them are just looking at the camera,

looking at these people being like, I feel like I can't speak. Was the one of them was about the tour? Yeah. I was a bit overwhelmed on that call, though. They were asking big questions. I was like, in the intervals and scripts, and we were like, oh, bloody hell, I don't know.

I was more thinking, like, fuck, we've got tickets to sell. I mean, it doesn't matter if we sell them. Like taking them, it's fine. Coming back to... Yeah, yeah, yeah, chill. We don't have to sell them out. We don't have tickets to sell.

No. Tickets's just, you know, there's just tickets available to pick up if you... If you... Fancy to picking up. If you live in the UK, anywhere in the UK. Or Europe. Paris. Or Europe.

Paris is a train ride away. There's no excuse. I mean... So is Amsterdam. Exactly. So it's everywhere in Europe, actually. Yeah, forget I said that. Yeah, yeah.

Tunnels exist. Trains. Yeah, exactly. Everything's just. Just a train or two. Have you guys ever heard of a plane? Like, I mean, come on. I've missed you.

I miss you too. This has been so fun. I miss you guys. We're back. We're back, baby. With a new format. Yeah. I see what we should have got to celebrate.

Daisy, will you sing them your song? Oh, please. I'm going to get a big tie. So good. We don't have time today, but maybe. Tomorrow. Get a big tie. Get a big tie.

We could all just have remote big ties together tonight. Guys, we will see you on Thursday for our Is It Just Me episode. And remember that is the day that our tickets go on general sale. If you want to sign up for pre-sale, you can do so on Wednesday. Obviously no biggie, but please fucking do that. What she said, we're desperate, guys. Let's not be around the bus. We're fucking desperate.

Please come and see us. We love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Should I delete that is part of the ACAS creator network.