Should I Delete That? - Building Yourself Back Up with Kaz Crossley

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

This week on the podcast, Em and Alex are joined by former Love Islander Kaz Crossley! Kaz's empathy and passion really stood out throughout this recording, making her such an endearing guest. Kaz was embroiled in an incredibly public scandal which saw her detained at an Abu Dhabi airport on suspicion of drug offences. She explains how this incident effected her, and why she continues to harness her social media platform to help disadvantaged people. Kaz has a deep love for Muay Thai and has made it her mission to empower women through the sport. Follow Kaz on Instagram @kazcrossleyFollow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The people that comment on that stuff or the people that want to troll me, they don't even know who I am. Like, that's just that version that you're seeing. And if I know myself that I'm not that person, then these comments are not going to affect me. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Should I Delete That. I'm M. Clarkson.

And I'm Boy Alex. We have Boy Alex back in the room. Alex is still on her maternity leave and we are coming to you from a futon on in an onsen in the middle of Japan it's mental it's mental we're both also very old because we have aching hips from lying on the floor last night both of us creaked when we woke up this morning we are currently living our best lives most exhausting lives having the adventure of a lifetime with our baby we are halfway through our Japan Adventure. We are currently in Takayama. We have eaten like Trojans today. And we're going to

eat more as well this evening. Gaiosus. I don't know if Trojans eat well, but I stuck with it. We have an amazing interview today with Kaz Crossley and obviously we've got girl Alex at the helm of that but I thought we would just round you up a little GBA before we get into it. So babe, without further ado, have you got anything good, bad or awkward? Okay, yes, to all three. My good probably similar to yours and that we're in Japan on what is literally the adventure of a lifetime with our baby and that's pretty good. Okay, so yes, that's really good but I have a better good. I just have a better good. Top chance. We didn't say it last week. Girl Alex has had her baby. Yay. Oh my God blessy. Little Tommy is here in the world and I am so excited. We obviously pre-recorded

last week's GBA with Georgie before I left for Japan. We had. to do it the day we did it because we were coming to Japan and then Al put on Instagram the night that we'd recorded that he was here because we hadn't wanted to break her news obviously but just the best news in the whole wide world but should I delete that gang has grown and she's such a trooper she's done so well and he's just so perfect and I'm so excited and I cannot wait to meet him and everything's just perfect

you're so excited so yeah babe I'm pleased you have you a nice holiday but girl Alex has actually made a miracle well I look like a dick Yeah. Again. So you're a trap. So obviously my good's better than you're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything bad.

My bad's definitely going to be worse than any bad that you've got for this whole trip. Yeah. So incredible. We went up to like the northern Japanese Alps to go and visit the snow monkeys. So we were in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Again, sleeping on floors and eating really amazing. Guys, when we tell you, the pillows were literally full of pebbles. You know when you see like a flood and,

like a flood on the news and people arrived. Yeah. Yeah, draft excluders. Like, to stop the flooding, they give you sandbags. Those were our pillows. That's what we're sleeping on. Like, stunning. Yeah.

We were, yeah, it was in the middle of nowhere and very traditional, which is incredible. However, I don't know if it was when I was up seeing the snow monkeys. There's also an onsons which are these public baths and hot springs, which I went into when I was there. I have a rash of my body. back everyone and... It's actually a rash on his ass.

It starts on his ass. It goes off his back. Oh, why did you say that? Well, you brought it up. You didn't need to bring up the rash. I mean, this is definitely my bad. I mean, it's going to have arranged yesterday. That's true.

No, tell everyone about you're rushing ass. So, I mean, also on the table, so we've got monkeys. It wasn't a monkey bite because they didn't bite me. Could have been a spider bite because, you know. Definitely. I think it's most likely. I think it's most like spider bite. Sandbag bite. Sandbag bite.

Or also just general like jungle forest. Well, it's like northern Japanese forest forest vibes. and whatever lives up there, it's got me. Yeah. So we're losing him. I may not, I mean... To the most glamorous of conditions. I may not be here next week.

So, you know, that could be in. They'll be relieved. Oh, at least someone's sad. My bad, you know what? Like, no bads... Well, actually, my, I guess my right tit is really sore. A lot of bodily issues. Your rash, your breath.

The breastfeeding out here is intense. Like, we are having the best time. Oh, it's clapping. she's like what's an intense breastfeed is we are having the most amazing time like it is the adventure of a lifetime I cannot believe that we're doing it

but it is so full on and obviously we've dragged this poor baby like she's got no say in this fully kidnapped her like she's got no idea where she is we barely know what we are and you know jet lag's intense she's not had anything like that before

it was a 14 hour flight so she's turned to the only comfort that she knows and that's my nipples so my right one is just in our sleep bobbins. Yeah, that's definitely a bad. Yeah, it's like, and it's, I mean, it is amazing, but obviously doing stuff traditionally,

we're sleeping on the floor, which means co-sleeping, which means breastfeeding. Yeah, no cot. All night long. Yeah, no cot. So it is, like, that's a, it's a small bad and a very big good because we are having the most amazing time. But it's intense.

But that's, you know, exactly what we knew it would be. Yeah, we were prepared. And we wanted it to be as well, and it's like such an adventure. So it's fine, like, sore nipples. I'll get over it. Yeah. Awkward.

Okay. My awkward is kind of linked to my bad in a way. So when we were in Tokyo... You've just told thousands of women that you've got rashly arscrime, that's the awkward. That's my awkward. Yeah, that is... Oh, you told them about that one, thanks.

I'm going to blame you. No, my awkward... So basically, a friend of mine told me that in Tokyo there's amazing onsonsor of these hot springs and what I hadn't really considered was that you've got to be fully naked when you go in. And it's an incredible kind of cultural and traditional routine. but you're not allowed to wear any underwear

or any swim shorts or anything I think for me and I mean M obviously is not going to go near them because you would simply perish awkward little being I did the one in you canada on my own like it was just me in there

so it's fine and I think I'd have been all right up there if there'd been somebody else because I don't know why but the ones in the city like I think particularly for house shit mommy's

solely solely being what you can do it again yeah like I feel like the city one's kind of more I feel like I don't know I just feel like it was like

you went to like their Soho house except their Soho house is like you just do it You just go for it It's just so normal for everyone else That's it There's like everyone from every kind of Walk of Life or body shape is there

It's just something that I was completely not used to Yeah and you did on me first morning as well. I just went in. It was like, yeah, I've arrived. Hardcore. Yeah, so you basically, when you go in, for people who don't know,

you go in and you've got to sit down on these tiny, tiny stools, right next to everyone else who's fully naked and shower yourself, and they've got shampoo, conditioner, and shower gel. And basically, you've got to fully wash your entire body before you even step

into these hot springs, fully naked. So everyone's there just right next to each other, like bumping elbows, washing your body, while sitting on a mini, stool with your balls hanging low. And you didn't know what to...

The thing that would genuinely stop me is that you didn't know what to do so you had to look at everybody else to copy them. So I was basically purving. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, I'm not looking at your bum. I'm looking at like how you're washing it. Like, what do I do? How long do I wash for

before I get into that? Like, there's a lot of that. Like, that's what... If I had the confidence, if I knew what was up, like, with the one in New Canada, I can spread this up because I'm on my own. Yeah. Face the pressure of, like, literally caught with your pants down. 100%.

So that's my... awkward I mean by the end I got used to it and I was actually strutting around so my awkward is is your fault I had Arlo strapped to me at one point in the snow in Eucaneda and we came out of this cafe or this sort of restaurant thing and I was coming down the steps and and karma swung around quick for me because we were going down the stairs I had Arlo strapped to me it was a blizzard like you've never seen anything like it Alex went down the steps first and slipped on on the last step, and I protected Mama Bear,

I was like, oh my God, you twat, you nearly took me out. And he was like, I don't slow my fault, and he was drawing breath to say, I think the bottom step is really slippery, by which point I'd hit the bottom step and also slipped. But Alex had broken my fall, so one of my legs was still like three steps up, and the other one was like slipped,

but kind of crashed into him. I obviously went down with a squeal, and then was stuck because it was so slippery. And there was just a restaurant full of people who'd watched me not only like give out to him for slipping over, but then slip over myself and then be stuck all while having my baby strapped to me.

And it was just embarrassing. I just felt embarrassed. The only thing that made me feel slightly better was as we were walking down the hill, a man fell next to me and he went down way harder. So he kind of stole the attention and I loved him very much

and I slipped in a five rounds to say, guys. Oh, I'm just going to say, going to add in a tiny other bat. There was a little earthquake when we were staying. You can hear it was an exciting place. There's a little earthquake and I was a bit anxious about that. But we're all in all having the most incredible time, if not missing girl Alex to death. No offense. Boy, Alex. I know. Don't care. Miss her so much. But I'm so excited that Tommy's here and that you guys all know that Tommy's here and I can't wait to go and see him on and back because I haven't met him yet. I've just had like 50 million photos. Like God, I have to keep ending Alex the text being like, I know what you're like. And there are, there's no such thing as too photos like they're simply the limit does not exist to keep them coming um so that's that that's us

on the maddest trip of our life by next week we will be home normal-ish service will be resuming although girl Alex obviously still has some well-earned time off to have but without further ado i'm going to let you get into the interview today with the amazing cas crossly we absolutely love speaking to her we love everything that she does and it's a really interesting and valuable conversation. So I hope you enjoy it as much as we did. Hi, Kaz. Hi, guys. Thanks for having me. Well, thanks so much for coming. I'm going to, I'm going to preface it by saying I'm not very well. So if I am a terrible interviewer today, that's why. But we've got the best

guest, so we're going to be fine. How are you? I'm great. Thanks so much. You are, I follow your Instagram quite religiously. A Mai Tai boxer. Muay, Muay Thai. Sorry, Muay Thai. Mytie is the drink. You can tell where my hobbies are trying to leave me more. Can you tell us about it? Have you ever watched Moitai boxing? I've watched yours.

So good. Thank you. In another life, I feel like you'd be really good at that, Alex. I will. You should get into it. It's never too late. Do you do boxing? Yes, but never kickboxing.

Ah, so I wouldn't know how to. So Moitai is the art of eight limbs. So you use your elbows, your knees, as well as boxing and then kicking as well. It's a pretty dangerous sport to watch it. If you watch any fights and stuff, people get cut. I don't do any fighting. I think my thing is showing women that you can do it as a form of like, you know, it's really good for your physical health, but it's really good for my mental health as well.

And that's how I started Combat Collective, which is a women's space for Muay Thai. But I want to expand into more sports as well. and yeah, I just think it's amazing and everyone should try it that's why I do my retreats and get people to come from all over the world and they've never done it before and it's been so amazing

I just got back from one when this baby's out can I come and come and come I actually have a question because I'm quite interested in this when people say like oh yeah you can come and it doesn't matter if you've never done it before like how shit can you be

no no that's why it's so amazing to have this space that like you don't get judged for it or anything because... Do you have to have done any boxing? No, like completely, can be complete beginner. Like, never even put a boxing glove on before and you can come and I'll help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would absolutely love to. Where do you hold on, the retreats? The retreats are in Thailand. Yes. Yeah. What are we going to do with our kids? I don't care. I don't know how I should do like a mummy and one.

Yeah, yeah, so you can bring them. Yeah, I'll do it as a clap. I'm not. You haven't even had it yet. I'm already sick of it. that's so cool I honestly in my head

I think I'd be really good at it and then in reality I'd do But that's the thing Like no one's good at anything When they first do it Like the most amazing I don't know Swim or anyone in the Olympics

They always started off shit Do you know what I mean No but that's what I mean That's why I started to come back collective Because women can come And have a space where they're not judged Muay is a very male dominated sport So like most

Muay gyms, when you go in it, like, there's hardly any women in there, which is why it's so intimidating to start it, which is why a lot of women, like, don't think, oh, I'm going to start moitai. But I didn't realize this until I actually got into it myself, and I was putting my videos online, and I just had, like, so many girls messaged me saying, like, I really want to do this, but where can I start? And I was just like, I need to create a space. And there's a lot of gyms that have done, like, women only moit Thai classes and stuff, but I just think, on a scale where, like, we're going to, I'm going to take it, like, Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool. I want to, like, literally take it all over the UK.

But then also, I've just done my second retreat, which was worldwide, like, anyone, we had people from, like, Australia, Hong Kong, come from all over to just come and do Muay Thai. And, yeah, it's for all levels. There was, like, complete beginners. But it's also, it was really empowering to have so many women in one space, like, like-minded people that have come by themselves to do something. something that they've never experienced before, push their body to like extreme, like lengths that they haven't gone through.

Like we did a challenge where you had to run up a hill, which is like the inclines like this, and you get to the top of a big Buddha, and it's just beautiful. And it's just like an amazing experience for them. And then the last one I did, I held like a closing circle. And we, like I did like a guided meditation, which I'd never thought I'd be that kind of person.

Like I'm really not into that stuff. But I thought, you know what? I'm going to do this with them. And everyone was just like releasing. And then we opened up. And, you know, I realized, wow, like these women are coming for so many different reasons. You know, the reason why I got into Muay Thai, because I went for a breakup, like, some of them, like, went through that. And that's why they booked on or they've been through shit.

Like, life is shit, you know what I mean? But to put yourself in somewhere, it's such a different environment with people that you haven't met before. It's like, yeah, really super empowering. So out of interest, given that it's so much. male dominated. How did you get into it and when? And you said it was cause of a breakup? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I, um, when we broke up, me and Josh from Love Island, that's when I went to Thailand and I did a two week more Thai camp.

So you hadn't done it your whole life. You just did it. No, no, no, no. I'm not like amazing, by the way. I'm literally like, like the amateur level. I don't spiral, nothing. I just love hitting pads. Yeah. I've done it. Yeah, since South Island, so it would be like four or five years now. not consistently on and off I think during COVID was when I was training every day because there was nothing else to do

but I think that really helped my mental health get through that kind of times as well I can't believe it's been that long since you were on Love Island I feel like I remember it so Do you? Yeah so recently Yeah but five years sounds like a long time

and then it's gone so quickly but then when I look and see like all the different versions of myself that has come from that, even from before, it's like, I'm like a completely different person. You've done so much since as well because the work that you've been doing in Thailand beyond the Muay Thai is amazing as well.

Thank you. What led to that? So that was when I was, it was during COVID and I was abroad and I wanted to go to Thailand to meet up with my friends in Thailand and I had no plan to do anything, charity work or anything. I was actually, yeah, going to stay with my friends. And because it was COVID, you had to quarantine in a hotel for two weeks.

So I was like, well, I'm not going to stay in like a shit hotel. I'm going to book like a really nice hotel for myself. And then I booked like a one bedroom, massive villa. I had a massive pool and I was just there by myself for two weeks. And then I came across this Instagram of these kids that were training Muay Thai in Thailand. And they literally had like nothing. Like they were living in East San, which is a very poverty-stricken area where there's literally like the adults that are like able,

they leave and work somewhere else. So all that's left there is like kids, like mentally unwelled people, disabled people, old people. And there's like no opportunities there. But these kids were training Muay Thai every day because in Thailand, like that's a lot of, they only have that. Do you know what I mean? I'm like in this big fuck-off mansion, like all to myself,

like watching these kids. that have nothing. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, literally, I was like, I only saw it out. And I messaged them and I was like, I want to come and help. And it's actually a Canadian woman that ran the gym. She met her husband who was Thai. They had a kid together.

And she ended up moving to where her husband's family was, which was there, which was where, like, there was nothing there. Do you know what I mean? And then slowly, over seven years, it just became like a bigger thing. And all these kids started training with her. And she realized, like, wow, like, we're giving them something to, you know, look forward to, to do to have. structure in their life they're eating well we're getting donations like it's it was like um community

funded no like the people on instagram were donating to her and stuff um and then yeah it just grew from there really like the project got a lot bigger i said i want to raise like i don't know like 30 grand maybe can build a house or something um because they'd actually saved up money to build a plot of land to build on a plot of lands um and then the project got bigger and bigger i was sharing the kids through my Instagram. I was, you know, running with them, training with them. And then it ended up being, we raised over 100,000 pounds. And we built a two-story six-bedroom house next to a Muay gym. So they didn't have to, because they were traveling really far to go to the schools and to the gym. It was all in this back of the pickup truck, like even when it was raining. And I think me showing

that on my Instagram and showing at how these kids live, but they were so happy. And they, you know, full of so much energy. Like they was running in the morning, in the evening, training, and they wanted to do that too better themselves, despite having nothing. I think people really saw that through my Instagram and they wanted to help. And I feel very connected to Thailand.

And my mum, she grew up in poverty. Like, that's how I was brought up. She didn't have anything. Like, she didn't have a cooker. They cook over the fire. Like, she was very poor. So I think my connection through my mom and my Thai background.

and then to Muayai brought a lot of love for these kids and they become like very, very close to me. So then it made it harder because I wanted to raise even more money and I wanted to build it. And yeah, then I went back and we did more and it's become like a little community there which I'm obviously very proud of. I think that was like my greatest achievement that I've done.

So I always like go back and visit them and stuff. Yeah, that's a huge achievement. Well done. Thank you. A hundred grand. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look back and think, wow, like, you don't plan, like, that was never planned. Do I mean?

I don't know what I would have been doing if it wasn't for them. Like, I would have just been chilling there. But COVID as well, it was such a hard time for them in that area too. It made everything like 10 times worse. So even Francis, who runs a gym, she was just like, you literally just came at the right time because we don't know what we would have done. It's such an unreal use of your platform, though. Yeah.

That's another thing. It's like, I didn't realize, like, this is actually a platform that you can, like, change people's lives with it's an incredible like it's an amazing get like and it's really interesting I think in so many ways doing a show like Love Island and like propelling you into like such crazy levels of fame there's loads of stuff that is really negative and there's those of stuff that's really positive but there's also just other stuff that I guess you would never have thought or yeah it could have expected it's my because it's like so many people now come on Love Island and there's so many different people like you know like Dr Alex is

completely different to me and stuff. It's like, we actually have so much power in this platform and our following. And, you know, I don't want to sit here and say, like, oh, we could be doing more and stuff, but, like, genuinely, like, seeing that and seeing what I was able to do and, yeah, with my followers, it really opened my eyes, like, and I want to do more, do you what I mean? Yeah. I mean, good for you. But it's a great example, actually. Yeah, how to, that If you didn't want me asking, that 100 grand, was that solely raised from your Instagram followers? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's incredible.

Yeah. That's really, really incredible. Yeah. And to not shit on anybody else, it is a really good example of what you can do with the platform that you get from on the back of, and Dr. Alex would be another good example of just like, it's really harnessing it for like, and not that anyone has a responsibility. Yeah. It is, it's hard as well, though, because obviously we get stereotyped from Love Island.

And even, like, when I reached out to Francis, the Canadian woman who owns a gym and stuff, she said that she saw my Instagram and showed her friend who worked in a school in Isan. And he went, do you think she's coming to help you because of my profile is like me in a bikini, like, posing, posing, posing. And then when, you know, I did all of that stuff, I would get messages like, this is a real influencer. And it was just like, to me, I feel like that's really unfair because. why is the term influencer so negatively stereotypes?

Why do I feel like I don't want to say that I'm a influencer when people ask me what I do because it's so like it's got such a negative chat I mean I'm so embarrassed

I'm mortified I don't do anything I do nothing leave don't look at me but when I tell people I'm an influencer like I draw more attention to myself

because I'm so embarrassed about it I'm just like I'm an influencer like let's move on but I'm like well I'm going to actually like, I do influencing. Like, it's just, this is so...

I always say, and then they're like, okay, what do you influence then? Yeah, come and influence me. And I'm like, oh my God, like, it's not my fault. Like, this is what I am, do I mean. But it's like, your real influencer. Like, no, like, everyone is a real influencer who's a real influencer. I'm doing something, you know, positive and I'm giving back to charity.

But that doesn't mean that every influencer has to do that. Like, like, people inspire people in different ways. And, like, why do we all have to be the same? And I get that. And I don't want to, you know, come across, like, yeah, like, this is a what we should be doing about because it's not because it's like I did that and I didn't plan to do that. It just happened. I didn't do it for any sort of PR or like I generally felt a connection for these kids and it just turned out to be that way and obviously I'm just so grateful for

the whole experience. They taught me even more about myself. Like I think like I gained so much from these kids because like they literally had nothing and they was so happy and so just oh the energy is just crazy and I think people did really see that through my story. And that's why I was able to raise them. But, you know, raising money, that's also really hard. Like, when, like, we were struggling and the donation slowed down, I would get really affected by it.

And I was, like, messaging all my friends. Like, yeah, I haven't even donated to me. Like, you know what I'm so passionate about it. I literally took over my whole life. Like, but, you know, it was all worth it at the end. Yeah, it is amazing. Can I ask as well? And you, like, we don't have to talk about it if you want,

if you don't want to. But then when you were doing, because you have been, and again, not that we're going to put in like good and bad, but you've been using your platform for such a good thing for such a long time now. Yeah. And then you had situation in the press,

which to my mind has been so unfair and you've been held to such a horribly high standard. Do you think that that was compounded by the fact that you were doing good on your platform? Do you think if you'd always just been like, oh, I'm just an influence, I'm just in my bikini, and you know, and you kind of played the, like trope that people would have expected.

I don't think it was affected like by what I was doing, you know, on my Instagram normally because that wasn't ever shown. Like, there wasn't one article that spoke about the good stuff that I was doing, like the charity work and everything like that. Like anything that went in the press was always just about my love life, when I was naked in a bikini, yeah, when I was doing drugs. And, you know, that was very hard for me to deal with as well. obviously I've been painted at this person and yeah I've done drugs I've made mistakes

you know and unfortunately I was filmed by someone I was trusted I trusted and you know that was all shit as well um but I've learned now like the British press is is not true like even like some stuff that they write and everything like they were saying that I was going to even when I got held for questioning um with the police in Dubai and stuff like it was I was saying that 25 years in jail this this this this like it's just they literally make up the most bullshit ever um even when I was there and I saw the um son journalist there they lied to the police saying that he was my husband and that's how they got inside um yeah and that's how they were able to release the the article that um said that I was actually there do you know what I mean

So they said that they were your, a journalist said that they were your husband in order to get that information. So I've flown to Thailand now and this is like this is a whole year after it's all come out. So for me, I've been on the craziest journey of self-development. Like when that did all get released, it was even a whole year before that video was actually taken. So even then I'm a completely different person, you know what I mean? So, but obviously it got released. and I had to deal with that. I had to, you know, deal with the press attention,

deal with, you know, the work completely changed for me. There was no, like, Instagram, like, easy ads or anything anymore, I mean, because, of course, no one's going to want that as a representation. And I understood that, and I, that's how I started Combat Collective because I thought, you know what, like, it's time now to actually, like, work for myself. I have Kaz bands, yeah. but I'm really passionate about combat sports

and I'm really passionate about women and I want to bring that together. I'm passionate about Thailand. I wanted to bring all my passions together and that's how I started that business and then a year later I was I really love presenting as well so I was offered a job in Thailand

to interview UFC fighters and this is like my dream job like I remember being so excited and they'd actually booked the flights but the flight was via Abu Dhabi and obviously I didn't know that there was a case against me but obviously there was everything all over the press and then the Dubai police were following it

because this video had been taken in Dubai Dubai yes but another another thing is like the video was taken in Dubai and when it got released and whoever made this Instagram obviously I know who did it but they put the the video and then they swiped it to a picture of me like in that same dress and with the Dubai skyline

which was on a completely different night do you know what I mean? Like I remember it. Do you know that was deliberate to make it? Yeah, but it was in Dubai and that's why I didn't deny it because obviously it was. But when the press article got released

they didn't even write that it was in Dubai so it got put up sniffing whatever and then a week later it was changed like in Dubai and it's like there is no proof that this was me in Dubai anyway but obviously I knew it was

but it could have been anywhere. It could have been a video from the UK and they, because someone's put it in the same dress next to this, it was on an Instagram post. They made the Instagram and they followed the son and everyone, blah, blah, that's how they saw it. Yeah, so the press never have any, like, factual information that when they write it,

which is why I don't believe anything that is written in there now and I've seen it like from my own eyes, but I was held for questioning for a week. That's another thing I was never arrested. They never put me in handcuffs. They never did. They needed to question. Yeah, the press, if you just read about it in the press,

jailed behind bars. Literally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're actually doing this interview now in a Dubai prison, guys. Did you not know? Right. Blown out. Yeah, so it was when I was actually being, like, released and everything was fine.

Like, they said, like, the case is. clothes, like, come back anytime, everything like this. Like, people think, like, I'm not allowed back and all of this stuff. But I remember walking through, like, to get some papers or something. And there was these, like, two men, like, just watching me from the side. And I just thought, okay, nothing of it, whatever. Then one of the guards brought me, he was like, Kazimitt. I was like, yeah, he was like, come here, come with me.

And he brought me straight to these men. And then one of them stood up and was like, oh, my God, Kazim, we're so worried about you. I'm da-da-da from the sun and I was like what the fuck are you actually doing here I was like are you taking the fucking piss there's with my friends that were outside literally like the whole week that I could never see you know what I mean

and I was like get these people away from now I literally like went mad and then I went mad to one of the guards and I was like how are they here I don't know them he was like they said that he said that he was your husband I was like

he's not my husband he's the he's the journalist now this story's going to be all over the newspapers and then that's when they was like

oh we're really sorry blah blah blah like and then I was released not long after that because obviously that I was so human

I couldn't believe it I know they play so fast and loose with people no they're so bad I can't believe it but think about this I'm not being funny

but that was like one of the most traumatic experiences that I've gone through my whole life like I literally lost my hair from it, like all this bit of hair is when it fell off. And that was all from when, yeah, then I was in the jail and stuff.

And you imagine, like, the first people that I see is, like, not even, like, my family or my friends. It's, like, fucking journalists. Oh, my God. And then, but then after that, you know, when people, people think, oh, like, that must have been awful, that must have been awful. But when I was in there, it was, like, so eye-opening for me, like, how blessed and lucky, like, I am to have the life that I live,

because there was women in there that literally had nobody and they were in there with no money, no family, no nothing. And I even remember, like, one night I was crying and, like, one of the girls that were in there was just like, stop crying, like, you're so blessed. Like, these girls don't even have, like, a court day or nothing. They've been in here for, like, a year. And then even knowing they're coming out, like, you can't cry.

And I was like, fuck sake, like, I actually can't. Like, I'm so lucky. Like, I have people all outside. worrying about me, ringing me, making sure I'm okay, everything like this. So when I came out, I was just like, I was on a high when I came out because I was like so blessed for my life. And then when that kind of faded, it was like real life. And it was like, fuck. Like it's all over again. Like it's happening all over again. Like all the press, all the negative comments, all the what people were saying about me. It was like,

It's resurfaced. It's resurfaced. But if they didn't hear about it that first time, they definitely heard about it now. This was like, I was on the front page of the sun, like, Kaz, jail, all of that stuff. And I'd actually built up relationships with brands since then. So then that was all fucked again.

It's hard because in the press, it's kind of looking like it's a recent thing, right? It was looking like a recent thing for, but anyone that looked into it was like, it was COVID. Like, no one's meant to be partying. And that version of myself, my God, like I was drinking every day.

Like, it was, I was around really the wrong people for me. People that I fought cared, but really didn't, do you know what I mean? And I think when you have, like, self-love is something that I really had to focus on. Like, from being in shit relationships, even from before Love Island, like, you only allow people to treat you that way, like, because you think you're worth that. Do you know what I mean? Like, I must not have had any self-worth, like self-love. I've had to really build, I do all these amazing things, but I didn't feel amazing. Do you know what I mean? Like, the work that I've been doing recently, like, with my life coach and, you know, all this trauma release, but then also celebrating who I am and all the amazing things that I've done.

Because when it's been all over the press and I feel like everyone thinks this way about me and everything like that, now I realize, like, the people that comment on that stuff or the people that want to troll me, like, they don't even know. know who I am. Like, that's just that version that you're seeing. And if I know myself that I'm not that person, then these comments are not going to affect me. How were the comments? Because the press is one thing. And I feel like reputationalally, that's horrible because, like you say, you've got your work, you've got your brand, you've got the work that you're doing in Thailand that you really care about. And you've got all of that to protect. And I feel like the press, it's such a unique experience to feel like that your very foundations are being threatened. But then you've got the kind of more like insidious relentlessness of the concept.

Like how did you deal with that or did that affect, I guess? The comments, so the comments from like the first time it got released. You know, it was very much like co-cared. Like you're not a public figure. Like you just and it was, you know, when you're reading stuff about yourself, when you feel so shit anyway, like that's when it affects you. Like, yeah. and it was really bad

and then the second time I think I felt a lot more of people knowing who I am and what I've been doing and I felt a lot of support like I felt a lot of support regardless of the other comments

but it was still hard because I thought that I'd put that to bed kind of thing I thought that it was over and I'd never actually spoke about it openly because I didn't want to speak about it because I was so like ashamed

I was so heartbroken I felt so betrayed I had all these different emotions that people wanted me to talk about it when the video first came out and like literally I was just in the worst place I've ever been in in my life and so it didn't get mentioned and even up until now the only time I spoke about it was on Grace Barry's podcast and I feel like that was good for me because it was like quite releasing almost and then also people saw like a different side to me but I never I never need to like explain myself I didn't feel like I need to explain I need to know like I need to say like this is this and I'm a victim I'm not

I'm not I'm not saying I'm a victim people make mistakes you are a bit like I don't think this would have happened to a man I've been saying this a lot I've been talking to my husband about it I don't think this sort of happened to a man no no to get dragged through the press and everything like that to have the video even taken in the first place yeah yeah for sure if I wasn't in, like, the relationship that I was in, like, yeah, this would never have happened. And then also being in the public eye and being caught doing drugs, I think when it happens to a man is not the same. I feel like the whole situation, even for me, it was like I'm doing so much work on myself and I'm trying to move forward and I'm trying to move on with my career. And it just kept getting dragged back up, dragged back up.

And, you know, there are people that won't work with me because I have this taint, you know, against me. and that's something that I have to accept, you know, it's not something that I'm, like, fully forgetting about, like, this is not me, this is not happening, I don't want to talk about, is part of my journey, it's part of my life, and I need to accept that. And I think, you know, if that never happened, like, maybe I would have gone back to the guy,

and, like, sometimes, like, so much bad stuff happened in that relationship, and I never left. Literally, like, most red flags, like, awful, awful stuff, and I never left, and it took that for me to be like, wow like what the fuck am I doing and then I've had to do so much work on myself since and because it's not like my first abusive relationship that I've been in it's like it's like my second now and it's like has like what are you why are you doing this like why are you doing this to yourself because there were so many times I went back and then now it's like I've

forgiven myself now because no like there's just shit people in the world and as long as As long as I know who I am and I love myself and I make sure that whoever I meet moving forward, it's just not going to be easy. Because also when you've been in relationships like that, they do attach to you. You know, you do remember you have trust issues and everything. Can I ask and you don't have to answer this, but was it your boyfriend of the time who released that video? Yeah, it was somebody that like I was seeing, but we weren't together anymore. Okay, okay. But was that the abusive relationship you were referring to?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, God, I'm so sorry. That is so awful that he did that. Yeah. I try, like, now moving forward, like, I don't want to talk about, like, him and that situation because I don't want it to be, like, about him, shall I mean? And he can't define you.

No, no, no, no. But I think as well, to anyone, to people listening, it's so, I don't think people are very good at forgiving themselves, like you said you're angry with yourself and I think that's something that we talk loads about in self-love and it's like I really want to love my body and I'm trying to get this and I'm trying to get this and there's just this quote that just stays me all the time that's like no amount of

guilt can change the past which is like nice in theory but then actually putting that to practice it's like okay because we haven't all been versions of ourselves and whatever it is like I mean whether it be I don't know things that we're conditioned to think about other women or like if we've bitch or if we've been mean or if we've there's been so many versions of ourselves for all of us that you want to move on from but you I think we feel that and I definitely think this is a this is exacerbated for women where we're not we don't feel able to change and I think people

like to keep you small and they like to keep you where they know you and where they're comfortable with you so if they see you evolving beyond something they're going to pull you back again and I think it's really nice that you can be so open about the fact that you've kind of had wanted to forgive yourself, even though I don't really think it was you you had to forgive. But like, and you just, you're going to keep going with what you want. And I don't know, I just, I think that's really important for people because I think we all have, there will all be, anybody listening, they'll have something in their past that they're like, oh, there's this part of myself that I just can't let go. And I think it's really amazing that people can

watch you literally doing it, like step by step and letting that go. And that's why I think it's important to know that you are allowed to have different versions of your And it's not like I'm a completely different person. I'm definitely still the same. But that's what happens like when you grow up and you become more mature. And it's like all these life experiences and experiences with men and everything. You just become the person that you are. My friend told me something the other day.

As he was talking about it, like feeling damaged and anything like that. But he said that there's like a place in Japan where they break vases and they break them on purpose. And then they glue them back together with like a gold. Yes. I love it. I love it. I know what it is. Because Georgie makes those leggings.

Literally designed. Oh, yes. Our friend Georgie, who had cancer, who's amazing. She made this legging design specifically about the rebuild. Really? But these vases are, every single one of them is different. Every single one of them is beautiful. And they're like so expensive.

And it's because every single crack is completely unique to that vase. And I think that's completely the same. with us and you know what we go through and there's no reason why you can't build yourself back up and you can break yourself build yourself back up like it's never gonna there's no journey that is just healing and then you're just healed do you know what I mean you're no one is fully healed yeah it's kentsugi kensugi it's kensugi i'm definitely butchering that really kentzugi yeah yeah and they're so gorgeous they're so beautiful yeah that's so yeah i love that i love that that's me it's all of us though isn't it

and it's just it's like it's just shit that you have had your mistakes I'm even like struggling to say it's a like mistake it depends how do you define mistake doing drugs that's only what is it

it's like I didn't cause harm on anyone else but myself right exactly you know and I never said that I'm something perfect amazing person that doesn't take drugs like yeah people do But we talked about this the other day as well and not to go labour the point on the men and women thing but we had a female alcoholic on the podcast

and we talked about this and the way that we like I don't know Harry Stiles alludes to drugs and his songs all the time and everyone's like yeah like so hot and it's all like sexy sexy rock star rock star and then it's like Cara Delavine does it and it's like oh she's off the rails

like Ava Winehouse does it off the rails like there's the women that we hold up like we tear them down with it It's anything, though, it's like the way we look. It's, like, when they're getting grey hair or if they're, like, put on weight. I think, I don't know if it's, like, British taboo press, but it's just completely, yeah, I just see it for what it is now, you know.

You see it and you've, because you've experienced it so much as well. I have experienced it, but it's not just like, you know, I don't want to be a rock star or anything like that. It's just like, I can talk about the good things that I'm doing then. Do you know what I'm not interested in that, are they? No, they're not interested in anything. No. No. No. I'm going to celebrate it. It's mad. You know, I don't let it affect me too much anymore.

If you have your time again, would you do Love Island again and do all the fame again or would you have chosen not? I would. I would. Anywhere I talk on any podcast, any interview, I always talk so highly about Love Island and that it completely changed my life. The fame is, it comes with it. Yeah. I couldn't have all the success that I did from the show, like all these amazing brands that I worked with. like I bought property, I'd done my mum's house up, like I've been able to look after myself and completely changed my life and that wouldn't have come if it wasn't for the fame too, you know? And like I have to, you know,

take responsibility for myself and things that I'm doing because I need to understand that I'm in the public eye, do you know what I mean? It's just something that like you have to accept and it's shit and a lot of people talk about it. You know, unfortunately the struggles that I've had has been more of recent rather than like just coming off the show. I think, you know, helping people is super, super rewarding and it's something that we can all do

on an even a minor scale just in your day-to-day. It doesn't have to be on a massive scale, but I think it is really important to kind of give back. Yeah, you've done a really cool thing with your platform. And I think it's like, it is so frustrating that the press won't report on the good stuff, anything like what they'll report on the bad stuff. Yeah, and then I didn't do it for the press either. It's just the bad press, I'm like, okay.

But then, you know, also it was funny when, so obviously I went out there, raised the money to build the house, and then seven months later, the house was built. When the house was built and I went back, it was after the Coke video had been released, and people were saying that I was only doing it to build up my PR and, like, my, yeah, image in the press and stuff.

And I was just like, I'm going to literally been doing this. Like, how quickly do you think I built this past? You know what I mean? It was like, wow, have PR teams working extra hard? No, I didn't have any PR team. Maybe why it was so fucked. But, like, obviously, you just learn from all these mistakes and, you know, touch with nothing happens again where I have to go for it. But I think now, anything that happens to me, like, I'm so much stronger and I've learned so much for it.

And that's why people need to understand, like, what you go through is it's only going to make you stronger. It's just why you just have to go for it. You can't shut yourself. off. You know, I tried that. You've got to keep going and you've got to feel it. You've got to feel every single bit of emotion. And that's really hard as well to like process it and feel the pain and feel the hurt. But once you get through that, I do a lot of work with my life coach on trauma and releasing and everything and every time she's like, right, time for some emotional and I'm like, oh, I can't do it. But I just feel like a million times better after.

Yeah, I've always been someone that shuts off from therapy or anything like that. I've always been like, no, more tired of my therapy. But I think self-development is something that anyone can benefit from. Yeah. And it sounds like you've really gleaned a lot of positive outcomes and positivity from the shittiness of what happened to you. Because it did happen to you. Like, tons of people take drugs and it never comes to light on a public platform, you know. Yeah.

So it happened to you. but like it seems like you've gleaned so much good stuff from that and also it's shed a light on your like dating I guess and like what your preference is and what you look for and that's so cool as well to have have more perspective on that. Definitely. So yeah, I mean obviously it wasn't a good thing and you wouldn't choose to have it, you know, have it happened to you

but it's cool that you've been able to like see the more positive side of it. Yeah. Have your hair. Is it growing back? Yeah, the hair. this is all my regrow. I thought that was amazing as well to share what you did.

It looks really cool now. It looks like a little fringe. It looks like a little fringe. I think you could cut the rest into that and then have a full fringe. Maybe. I mean, I'm just like, I'm happy. You know, when I came off,

when I came home from Dubai, like from the whole gel thing and the hair, it was like a little patch. It wasn't like a big patch. and then when I felt all those things that I was feeling and I was like super depressed and super down it just started getting worse and worse and worse and it just started growing

and a lot of people don't talk about alopecia but it's very very very common I didn't know how common it was until I started talking about it on my platform and I just remember just looking in the mirror and I was just being so sad and it wasn't just like oh my God my hair is falling out It was like, this is just a reminder of everything. Everything, yeah.

And it was just right there every time I looked in the mirror. And then it got worse and worse and worse and worse. And I was really upset about it. And it was like, I was just like, no one noticed, no, no, no. But it really, really affected me because, like, that was one thing I had was like my looks, I mean, and now it's like I felt like I was losing that. And I think, you know, people say, it's just hair, it's just hair. But her is, like, so important to us as women.

So I just wanted to make other people feel like, you know, there's someone in the public guide that is talking about this. So I was just putting it on my Instagram. I was putting it there. And then so many people was, like, reaching out to me, like, sending me their patches. And, you know, and then I was like, oh, my God, this is so common. Like, and, you know, so many people's, like, looked worse.

And it was like, oh, my God, like, it's a little patch. Like, I'm fine. Like, compared to what other people are going through. And then there's children that are going through it as well. Like, imagine being young. and then going through that and like not even understanding it like well why did all the girls in my class have hair and then I don't and I'm like wow like everything is a perspective you know so and then one day I just stopped caring about it like I just didn't even look at it anymore in

the mirror that's when it grew back babe do I mean I was like whoa it's gone back I think it is like I know like we've talked a lot on this podcast about the kind of like about Love Island and the lack of, like, maybe, I guess, we don't see ourselves represented in that show a lot of the time. And I think it is really cool that, like, but it's particularly cool when someone comes off the back of it and it's like owns their mistakes and owns the things that maybe that we wouldn't talk about.

And I think particularly alopecia is like, like you say, it affects so many people. So it will have made such a difference for them to see themselves in you. And you know when people say, like, people's messaging me, like, stop worrying about it and it will grow back. And I was just like, well, of course I'm going to. going to worry about it, but like, genuinely. But then it's like, doesn't, that's not the case for everyone, do you

I mean? But then it's like, okay, I'm embracing it now. I wasn't hiding it. I was like, literally like scraping my hair back and you could see like a massive bold patch, you know. And I was just like, fuck it. Like, it is what it is, you know, it's me. One of the stages. Yeah, one of the stages. And then since then I was working with like an alopecia charity little lady locks like they're based in Manchester. And they got me presenting at that ball and we raised loads of money and stuff.

And then I met loads of young girls that were suffering. from alopecia and they had like their wigs made and stuff so yeah i think definitely want to help more people going through it for sure especially knowing like how it felt even just on a little scale like it was big you know well on that on future platins like what do you what do you hope to do what are your it's not like an interview what are your goals what of my goals five-year-a-goal i just want to uh keep building combat collective we're coming yeah no you actually have to come we're I really want to do it. I really want to do it.

The retreats, I'd love to do retreats like in different locations as well, not just Thailand. Yeah, build it all over the UK. And like enjoy what I do. I think now I realise like I just want to enjoy whatever I'm doing for work, you know. And whether I know I have a big passion in MMA and boxing and combat sports. Yeah. Whether it's presenting, interviewing, just being more involved in that. But then also, like, maybe one day I'll have a fight.

Like, I don't know. I feel like that would be, like, a full cycle thing because I've never wanted to fight. Actually, like, really, really hate sparring. Like, I think sparring for me is very triggering from, like, the physical abuse that have been through, like, with men. And for some reason, it's, like, emotionally attached whenever I get, hit or something. I know it's like sparring but I don't know with something like in my head that

and I would just start crying or run to the toilet. She's like crying and then I just thought like no sparring is not for me. I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to show them that you don't have to be a fight and blah blah. But now I've been doing it for so many years now. I'm watching people sparring and fight and I'm just like oh my God like I want to do that too. I think for me that would be really like just for myself like if I overcome that. I can I feel like I've always shown myself that I can do anything that I want to do and I can overcome any think. So I think that for me is a big thing that I want to overcome. It's just like a little life kind of goal that I have for myself. That's it. That sounds awesome. Can't wait. We'll be there.

We'll stay tuned. Yeah. Oh my God. Can we present the fight? You're involved guys. I remember I said it here first. I want that in writing. Tass thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me honestly. It's been great. So great to have you. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. Should I delete that is part of the ACAST creator network.