Should I Delete That? - “I’m constantly compared to Rio’s first wife”… Kate Ferdinand on building a blended family

Episode Date: July 6, 2025

It’s estimated that up to 1 in 3 families in the UK are blended - and in today’s episode, Kate Ferdinand came to speak to us about what that looks like for her and her family. Kate is a much loved TV personality who shot to fame as part of ITV’s The Only Way Is Essex. In 2019, she married professional footballer Rio Ferdinand - and took on the role of stepmum to his three young children. Kate and Rio have since had two more children - and she has become the leading voice for blended families in the UK. On her podcast, Blended, she speaks about the challenges and joys of blended families - and navigating grief and motherhood in the public eye. In this chat, Kate tells us about what it felt like to become a mum to three kids overnight, the criticism that people place on her and Rio and how she navigates difficult conversations about grief. Follow @xkateferdinand on Instagram Follow @blended on Instagram Blended is a celebration of blended families - exploring the stories of relationships bound by love, no matter what their circumstances are. The series covers subjects such as second marriages, divorce, grief and life after loss, adoption, fostering and really changes perception on the old age trope of stepmothers being wicked! You can listen to Blended on all podcast platforms!You can watch Blended on YouTube here!Kate’s book How To Build A Family: The essential guide for blended families and becoming a step-parent is available now. You can buy your copy here! JOIN US FOR OUR BIGGEST LIVE SHOW EVER! We’re heading to Edinburgh for our biggest live show ever. We’ll be taking over the iconic Usher Hall for one night only on 3rd September. Head to SIDTLive.com for more information and to purchase tickets.Follow us on Instagram:@shouldideletethat@em_clarkson@alexlight_ldnShould I Delete That is produced by Faye LawrenceStudio Manager: Dex RoyVideo Editor: Celia GomezSocial Media Manager: Sarah EnglishMusic: Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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And meet other like-minded Should I Delete that fans Brought to you by Simprove The UK's number one gut supplement When we got married On the press There's a picture of me and Rio On our wedding day

and him and his first wife on the wedding they put next to each other. No way. Hello and welcome back to Should I Delete That? It is estimated that up to one in three families in the UK are blended. And in today's episode, Kate Ferdinand came to speak to us about what that looks like for her and her family. Kate is a much-loved TV personality who shot to fame as part of ITV's The Only Way is Essex. In 2009, she married professional footballer Rio Ferdinand and took on the role of stepmom to his three young children after their mother had sadly passed away. Kate and Rio have since had two more children

and she has become the leading voice for blended families in the UK. On her podcast, Blended, she speaks about the challenges and joys of blended families and navigating grief and motherhood all in the public eye. In this chat, Kate tells us about what it felt like to become a mum to three kids overnight, the criticism that people place on her and Rio and how she navigates difficult conversations about grief. You can listen to Kate's podcast blended wherever you get your podcasts. Hope you enjoy the episode. Here's Kate.

Hi Kate. Hi. Thank you so much for coming in and joining us today. We're very excited to chat to you. I said thank you for having me. Thank you for having me. It's lovely to be here. You nearly ended up on someone else's podcast.

Yeah. So I just got escorted up by a lovely lady. and they took me into the wrong room. And I was like, I don't think this is the lady. It was a man. I was like, don't know what's happened here. I'll chat. I'll tell you.

He didn't actually say to me, you don't like the Instagram like this because I'm not the person. I'm a different person. So it's nice to be here. You have relaunched your podcast, Blended, which is very exciting. Can you tell us a bit about it, please? And where the name comes from. Okay.

Yes, I'd love to tell you about it. Blended, it's all about blended families. I'm a step-mom to three kids that have lost their mum and now I've got two biological children as well and in the midst of becoming a step-mom and going through all of that I created this kind of platform called Blended just really because I didn't know what the hell I was doing I didn't know anyone to talk to and honestly it's still takes me by surprise today that so many people need it I didn't really I was kind of doing it on a bit of a whim this platform and just hoping that someone would be going through what I am and it's just

really crazy that it's taken off and we kind of just share like our stories and help. And so I started a podcast a few years ago and had a little bit of a gap when I had my baby girl. God, as a mum, my timeline is so off by the way. Like sometimes I just get the timeline completely wrong. But I have my baby girl showing. We had a big break. And now we're back with just two co-hosts and we just talk about everything that goes in a blended family and try and have real open conversations really it's such a lovely thing we were talking about it before you came in on the way here about what like an important but quite unusual and i imagine quite like nuanced area that you're in because we've got and this is something that we've been talking about separately all and i

about sort of like public grief and parasocial relationships and like the how much we attach to people that we don't know because you've done this you've you've been so open in a way that will have helped so many people, but that it's probably also quite unusual in the public space. It's quite new in terms of conversation that we're having in the public eye or the people in the public eye are having, if that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. And I think being open is great for so many people because it helps so many people,

but you also get a lot of people saying, God, does she ever shut up about this? Or she's talking loads about this situation. But at the end of the day, there's so many people that are going through it. I think you think it's niche until you're in it. One in four families are blended. Yeah. Which is such a higher percentage, yeah. Wow.

And the term for blended families would be, what is it like, what would the definition be for a blended family? I mean, I suppose, any, blend is just a name that I like really that people use rather than a step family, I suppose, or any family that have come into a family set up, not in the traditional way. So not say, mum, dad, having a baby. So if families are broken, adoption, fostering, step families. I'm surprised that is one in four. I'm surprised it's not higher. I have a blended family. Yeah.

It's nice. Yeah. Never called it that. That's nice. Because I suppose family is just family. Yeah, of course. But when you're talking about it, like I feel my family is just my family. Yeah, of course.

It's how do you differentiate that so people can know what you're talking about about just talking about calling it family? Does that make sense? Yeah. But I imagine that what you're doing with the pod and having this conversation, is being an incredible toolkit for people that end up in a blended family that perhaps there's no rulebook for your situation and particularly I imagine following a loss because Rio's first wife died so you're coming in and parenting children in a really

like that's that's hard and I imagine there's not a lot in the way of resources out there for people yeah no there isn't and I think even when you become a biological parent is you girls know you don't really know what you're doing you're completely winging it But there's so many tools, there's so many books, there's so many people on podcast, there's so many people in, as of recent years, that are sharing their experiences and when they're struggling. But there isn't really that for stepfamies or blended families. So as you become a biological mum, it's the same, you become a stepmom, you've become a stepmom, you don't know what you're doing, there's just a bit more taboo around saying that you're struggling.

So I suppose it's that space that it's okay to struggle and it's okay to admit it really. And God, it must be so much harder. Because when you're a biological mum and you have a baby, you and the baby are kind of learning together. Like they don't know any different, right? But I guess that's trickier with stepkids, right? Because they, you know, and in your case, they had a mum before. So that's really difficult.

I guess on both sides. I think it's a complete minefield, to be honest with you. Like you say, when you have a baby most of the time, you kind of have a connection already and you can kind of yeah not everyone does sorry naturally have that instant connection but you've started to grow to love that child for the nine months that they're growing inside you really whereas when you have stepchildren you've got to meet them and then you have to build that relationship and obviously so many people have so many different experiences and some it's perfect and some it's really hard and yeah so we just talk

about it really yeah and it's funny as well because when you when you have the baby the biological baby and obviously this will be the case for people who adopt as well but with my kids like I've known them I've literally done like one night like one time away from my two year old

like every other day of her life I've seen her and sometimes it really strikes me funny when you tell me a story from your childhood I'm like oh my God what a time there was a time that I didn't know you or like my husband tells me a story I'm like that's funny

but when it's a kid and it's someone that you're parenting to not know their whole everything is quite like I guess uneven footing yes exactly that because I suppose that's something I suppose I struggle with personally in the early days just little things that you might not know or obviously you're not going to know everything

and if someone sits down and tells you absolutely everything and I'm really fortunate my stepchildren I absolutely adore them we have an unbelievable relationship we're all three of them but every now and then you'll find something out about them and of course they had another life but it's like oh I didn't know that but you're not going to yeah but it's hard to explain unless you're in it. I really understand that. That feels kind of beautiful that you get to learn, but there must be a sadness that you didn't already know it.

Yeah, it is funny. In your podcast, you said something that, like, I'd never really thought about before but made so much sense, kind of along those lines of when you met your husband and then you became this family unit and then you had two kids, two biological kids, like you said that that was your first, That is your first and only family unit, but it's not for him and the three stepkids.

And you find that quite difficult. At some point, it's that quite difficult to sort of reconcile in your head. It's really, I feel like when I say out loud, it sounds a bit like I'm a bit crazy. I don't know. But I feel like, does it make sense? Yeah. Because it's like, it's hard to articulate sometimes. And I would never want to be disrespectful to like their mom or their previous family unit that they've had.

But yeah, every day, you know, we've all lived together every day for a really long time and we just act as a normal family would. And then there's just certain moments in the year that kind of get you and you think, wow, and you can feel like really quite emotional in those moments because at times you can feel not fully part of it. But that is only, I suppose, like 2% of life. But it just hits you because you're so used to, you know, just life and your way of doing things that you forget that you haven't been part. part of it for all of the time. It's hard to explain, actually. That makes a lot of sense. We were talking about it so much before you came in

because it's really cool that you're sharing it. But it must be hard to share the things that aren't very easy to put words to because people aren't that patient, I guess, with complicated feelings, particularly online. You know, we're quite like binary, aren't we? And quite black and white. And people have misconceptions, pre-conceptions,

and they haven't really got a lot of time for that. I think it's really brave and it's really cool that you're saying those things the things that are harder to say and I suppose it's easy to judge people isn't it listen if you're online someone's saying something you don't agree with it think it's easy to judge

but I think until you're in a unique situation sometimes it's hard for exterior people to understand but the people that need to get it get it does that make sense so the blended community get it and they understand where you come from some others won't but maybe that's lucky for them that they don't have to get it.

Exactly. Yeah. But I thought you articulated it perfectly because I understood I got it. I was like, that makes total sense to me why you would feel that way. Oh, good. When you first became a family, you met your husband and you, did it feel like you became a mum overnight? Because obviously you didn't have your two biological kids at that point.

Is that what it felt like? Like you were single and then suddenly you're like, you've got three kids. And they're grown up kids. kind of how it felt. Yeah, so basically, I was single, living the life, you know, not really cooking any dinners for myself, getting takeaway, just, I can't remember what single people do. What do they do? They just sleep. Have a great time. They relax. They just do what they want to do. And then, yeah, I met Rio and when we moved in, not straight away, obviously, but when we moved in together, I think I did feel like I became mum

overnight. I feel like my whole life flipped on its head. It was like a shell shock. Because I think everyone says you know what you're getting yourself into. But I don't know if I really, I really did because I didn't understand what goes into being a parent. I would just be that wholeheartedly. Because even when you have biological kids, you don't really know what you're getting yourself into, do you? You've got some kind of idea that you think's going to happen.

But the magnitude of it, you can never get. Because I think when you make the decision to have, I was thinking about this literally yesterday, I thought when my friends watched me have a baby two years ago, since then I've had another one, which no one really, everyone's like, oh, well, you've had one more. But, like, I think when you have a baby, you think I'm having a baby.

It never occurred to me, really, that one day they would turn into children. Yeah, and I would be a woman with children. And I kind of thought that by the time I was a woman with children, I'd be able to lie down on holiday while they played by themselves. I'd be able to read a book. I'd sleep through the night. Like, I kind of, I saw people with kids and I thought, well, they're not babies. So it must be fine. Yeah.

So I actually dispute this idea that's like, you know what you're getting into. I don't think anyone ever has a clue what they're getting into any of the time, Even with a full instruction manual, I still wouldn't know what I was getting myself into. Retweet. Yeah, it's a shock. It's a shock. No, it is. Yeah, it's a shock.

And actually, you're learning on the job. Yeah. Like when you have biological children, you're learning on the job. I was completely learning the job. I had no clue what was going on. Just winging it, really. But I think I've been winging it when I think about it ever since. I still don't really know what I'm doing with my biological children.

But I suppose, and I don't like to separate them. I keep saying biological and step. I'm only saying that because it makes it clear. I like, I see them all as, even though I'm not the big kids' mum, I see them all as my children, which is confusing as well. Like I would never go somewhere and say I've got two children, ever in a million years. I would say I've got five children, but the big three, I'm not their mum, which doesn't really make sense. But yeah, I mean, it was just, it was crazy and wild. And when I look back, that was a mad time because it's all a bit of a blur, to be honest with you.

did you get any i mean i don't even know where you would go to for like professional advice about this may be like bereavement counselors or but when you became a stepmom to your three to the three older kids were you given because obviously your the situation was unique because their mom passed away right so was the did you seek guidance or advice from anyone on how to bring them up and like that's so tricky on like how to like respect their mom still and so sort of keep them, keep her alive, but also become, you know, a family, a different family unit at the same time. Yeah. I mean, I just went on Google a lot. There wasn't, I'm going to be honest with you. Just type in like mental questions. You can see like my Google searches

just probably think, wow. But I'm not really anything. After a while, we reached out to child bereavement UK, who are amazing charity that I'm now like a ambassador for. And really the most healing and understanding was when Rio and I done our documentary, which was because, coming a step family and that was really like a therapy kind of process for us and that's the first time that I really had like professional I mean I'd had counseling and things like that but I've always had counseling and I'm open like I'm quite an emotional person and as you can imagine I become more emotional I'm like take on everyone's feelings and yeah so just looking for help wherever I can find it really not afraid to say that I need help but just didn't really know where to

find it. Yeah. God, yeah. I imagine your Google history. So look. Crazy. Honestly, I'm glad. Like, delete the history.

I'm glad you can clear that. I should do that every now and then. I think just on my own self-esteem. I'm like, oh, God. Yeah, because that is a mind field. And I imagine it's something that you need like a rule book for. But like, where do you find that?

To be honest, I have actually written a book about how to build a family, which is, this is a good plug. That was a perfect. Love it. That was a perfect. You set me up perfectly there I couldn't not And it's just around

like little bits of information and little tools and things to do along a bit of my story to kind of help anyone that comes into this situation I'm making it sound terrible by the way it is unbelievable as well I don't want to be negative you're asking about the early days

if we fast forward to now I probably could only have dreams that I was how it is now that would have been in my dreams like that I've got a great relationship of my stepchildren I've got two biological children

my kids get on all of them so well it's just beautiful and there are hard times but it's all so great it's like being a mum there's not really it's the same thing and the same process and actually I'm really lucky

because I've kind of been a mum maternal figure to older children basically from six onwards I feel like I've got it suss so now I've learned a lot from that that I can now use with my two little kids as well. And it's lovely for all the older kids as well that they get these siblings. Yeah. And it's they all get on so well. It's honestly, it's an absolute madhouse.

That's magic. But the age guts is like huge. Yeah. But fun. And like I, you know, you're saying before like that your situation in that their mum had passed was unique. But sadly, that won't be the case. You know, like there are so many, there will be so many examples of, of stories like yours. And it is beautiful that you are publicly given. hope and happiness and you're showing that it can be and will be okay in the end yeah and I feel like this is what we talk about often like sadness can like coexist with happiness and joy yeah we can still be having difficult times and with the loss of their mum but we can still be happy in other areas yeah and I think that's like quite a special thing well that's

yeah that was what we were talking about on the way here and and I and I don't know if you're comfortable are answering this or even if it's if even if even if it's relevant really to your situation. But the public way that we grieve or expect things to look or expect things to go, I think that's something that I'm seeing more of it on the internet at the moment. And people kind of have this expectation of what they imagine grief to look like. And it's a bit of a challenge to the societal expectation then when there's like happiness in the face of grief.

Just, do you know what I mean? It's like we kind of want to keep people where they were. And we're really challenged when we see people moving on with their lives, which they kind of have to do. But I don't know. Obviously we're recording this the day after Father's Day. So I think maybe we were just having seen, I've seen Kelsey Parker did a lovely reel about.

I didn't see it. I was so nice about Tom, but then about her new partner. And I think it's like it's a challenge for people to. to be confronted by life moving on. When you look at people that have lost someone, they get a lot of stick when they move on. Yeah. I think people may think that it means the person that's passed

has been forgotten or you've moved on too quick. But I do think a mom, a dad, a partner, you can never forget. Like, those people, they're such important people in your lives that I don't think they can never be forgotten. I think people don't really know what goes on in the day-to-day of family life just because you're not advertising that you miss someone every day.

doesn't mean that it doesn't happen and I think everyone has the right to be happy and to find happiness again like even the thought of I think about this all the time because of our situation if I passed away the thought of my children being unhappy is like that's my worst feeling really

for them to be and Rio to be unhappy my initial feeling would be like oh god it's going to meet someone else they're going to better than me but my overarching feeling is I want you all to be happy. I can't think of a world where you're all going to be unhappy because of my feelings.

Like find someone that's going to swoop you all up and look after you and take care of you and do the things that I would do with you. That's what I'd want. That's what I'd want. But I think it's easier to say that because I'm in this situation. I think sometimes when you're, like it's a woman's worst nightmare

to see someone else, the thought of someone else with her children. But for me, I might think of it as I would just want someone to look after my kids and hug them. and keep them happy and be them and be and and do what I would do with them yeah I don't want them to be lonely and missing that mother figure yeah knowing you were coming today I had this conversation with my husband and I was thinking about like telling you all the way in I got really

a mention of my bath time but it you're right it is it is what you want it's what the rational yeah the rational part of your brain wants I don't want them like it's weird isn't it like as in Tia who is my stepdaughter she's 14 and I met her when she was six they're like massive years in a girl's life now I've got a little girl Shay, I want someone to be with her when she comes on her period for the first time, when she's going for all the stuff at school. I wouldn't want her to be on her own. I think more than anything, I sat down all the time. Something happens to me, pick a good one, please. Don't pick a dodgy one. But if anyone gives you any type of grief, as long as she loves

my children, I don't care. And what everyone says, I'll think, they won't know because just find someone that will love my kids. And you, obviously. But the kids, the kids, really. yeah yeah so we're getting a bit deep on a Monday morning aren't we yeah it's important yeah it's hard to say that out loud there isn't it's hard to think about those times and to not be with your kids and your family but I think when you've had deaf in the family not that I'm grieving personally but deaf around your family you do think about these types of things more yeah it makes me so upset that Kelsey gets sick I know for moving on but I think even I hate that's her moving on because it feels loaded it feels like oh you know she's moving on like

why wouldn't anyone want that for her she had she she she lost her were they married yes she lost her husband and the father have her child why wouldn't anyone want happiness for her and her son yeah i think people aren't very good at letting women move on i think particularly that's what i i don't know if you're comfortable answering this um so please say if you're not but speaking of like letting people move on. Did you and your husband, I guess, receive criticism when you got together because obviously

his, you know, his former wife passed away? Yeah, even to this day. Do you? Yeah, yeah. I think that's, but to be honest, there's always going to be people that have got something to say about anything. Yeah. What do they say? Just, like, just everything. I'm compared constantly.

Really? Everything. Even when I got married to Rio, obviously sorry not only else when we got married on the press there's a picture of me and rio on our wedding day and him and his first wife on the wedding they put next to each other no way and it's complete comparison all the time but i'm in a good space of it now at the beginning i found that really difficult now i don't and it makes me more just feel sorry for people that see it the way they do because at the end of the day i i love rio i love the kids and i don't feel in competition with his first wife. I feel like, if anything, we're, we're like in it together. There's three of us that have raised these children. She's obviously their mom and that

can never, that she'll always be the most important woman in their life. But I do feel part of the journey. I feel connected to her. I don't feel like it's a competition, but other people think that and let them. And when we're at home, yeah, the kids go, have you seen that? And we laugh. Do you? The kids go, we're going to reply. I go please do not reply because I don't want to start this off but at the end of the day if people can only see certain things

at a certain level base kind of like level I feel a bit sorry for him really that is such a nasty thing to do on your wedding day that's really cruel that's so cruel for both of you to see that

that's horrible but it's so nice to hear that that doesn't affect like you laugh about it you and the kids you know and your husband I'm guessing as well like you can laugh at that

now. It's just like, what is going on? And actually, you've, we're happy. We're happy. And you guys, I don't know, I don't like a love a troll. But the thing is, what you do, there's a lot of trolls for a lot of things, isn't there? And if you pay too much attention, it does get in your head. I think it depends what kind of like time of the month is and what kind of, what kind of head. Because sometimes it's like, oh my God, whatever. I don't care about you. I'm a strong, independent woman. And then sometimes it's like, oh my God. It just depends what you're going through, doesn't it really? But also I think like, like, That's quite indicative of like where we, I mean, there's, there's trolls and then there's like

the sort of pervasive trolliness of the media in general. And that's just a shame, but it also feels inevitable that they would, that they would do that. But it has been really refreshing, having followed your story for years now, to see that you guys are doing the documentary, to see the podcast. And like, you know, I know you said earlier that people say, oh, you know, she's still talking about it. It's like, no, but good. Because we, we have this ability or this like tendency to freeze people where we see where we meet them right and it's like it is really important that you didn't just it didn't just finish on the wedding day and it's like okay and then we're just whatever like it's really lovely that you get to

follow it through and and bring people on the journey because it can that's that is what will challenge people and that's what will change the the tendencies of the papers to be well hopefully to behave in the way that they do or like the trolls in the way that they think you hope that like by consistently challenging it. Just challenging the norm or challenging the expectation that something will change. Yeah.

And Blended's like soul work for me. It's like so good for the soul. Yeah. And I love it. I love, I don't really care if people say silly things in the paper because I know that it helps lots of people. So I feel like I'm proud of being a bit vulnerable sometimes

and telling a bit of the hard bits because actually it helps people. Was it hard initially to share everything, to sort of do all of this in public? Like, you were both public figures, so you were under scrutiny and you were like, you know, the media were interested. And I'm guessing, like, what you did, like you became, like we said, you became a mum overnight and, like, joined this family and created your own family unit. Like, that's difficult enough doing it outside of the public eye. Was it hard doing it And then doing the documentary as well, was that quite difficult?

Yeah, I mean, to be honest, it's way back now. But yeah, I did find that difficult, the documentary. I was really nervous about that. I think I didn't really think people knew what was going on and what our situation was. Because you only see a certain amount on social media, really, don't you? And even now, to be honest, when I'm talking on Blended, I'm so relaxed and just chatting away like you're talking to a friend. And sometimes the social clips come out and I'm like, fuck, this is going to cause a stir. Because sometimes when you don't see things in context and a relaxed conversation, it looks like you're talking about the same thing all the time again.

Do you get what I'm in? So even now, sometimes I think, oh, let's change the social clip. Don't want that one going out. Because I think the people that listen to the podcast or follow you or follow Blended, listen because they get it. Sometimes those clips go out and they end up reaching the wrong people and it can become negative. Does that make sense? Yes, that's literally our language. You probably know how I feel with the social clips.

Because at the end say the clips are like 30 seconds or a minute of like an hour long conversation And they don't always give the full context, do they? Yeah. They very rarely do. Yeah. We are copying. And we paid the price. Yeah. You had clip issues, guys.

All the time. Oh, yeah. Really. Oh, yeah. We live for the clip issues. Yeah. We are learning to be to chill. Yeah.

If we posted the full hour long conversation on Instagram, no one would want. I don't even know if you can actually. We can't. That's why we made a trailer. Yeah. Yeah. IGTV doesn't exist anymore doesn't it

so we can't we can't leave all the context in and you either choose to listen to the whole thing or you don't and that I guess it's what it is but it's loaded because you're sharing your life and you're sharing your kids' lives and it's like

I'm amazed that you're able to take it with as much chill as you are I'm not always, it's a chill day for me I don't know why guys maybe this isn't real like this is a bit of a chill down feeling calm and good and this is good vibes But, I mean, some days things affect you.

I think it depends what else is going on in your life and the stress levels of what's happening just day to day, I suppose, as well. But right now, nothing's bothered me today. We're only on Monday. Give it until Friday. I might be different. Like, yeah, I'm just a woman, obviously, that I have different emotions at different times of the month.

And I'm not going to act like I've got it together all the time because I absolutely haven't. But some days are good and some days other things bother you. Yeah. Yeah. Do you find, because for me, I find that like, if it's something about me, now, I care less just because I guess we've been on the internet for years and ages. But then if it's something about my husband or like, God forbid, well, my son, like, I'll see

red. Do you? Yeah. And then I'm like a bull. I am a bull. Like I want to murder. I want to kill. So I don't know if it's like that for you is when it's like when trolls are kind of coming

for you. Like, I don't know if it's like appearance stuff. I'm like, whatever. Like get a life. Yeah. Appearant stuff I can deal with, really. Yeah. I'm like, okay, that's fine.

But I think when it's more like the big kids are on social media So they're seeing everything Are they? So when it's things like When they see stuff negative About family life I suppose It's not nice for the children to see

But actually We've had a conversation about everything You could possibly have a conversation about in our house So nothing is really new that is written But yeah It's more like when the kids see it And then we're like, have you seen what they've written on there And it's just like just got to ignore it really

I guess that's the one good thing about doing it all in the public eyes, like, there's no, there's nothing that you haven't, like, had to on earth and, like, talk about. There's no skeletons left in the closet because they've been, like, reported on and you've had to, you know, like, communicate about them all together with the kids, yeah. Yeah, I think, I guess that's one positive. Yeah, we talk a lot with the kids, so I don't know, yeah. My parents got, um, separated publicly. Like, it all happened quite publicly. And it's a really weird thing as a kid. This is completely different, obviously, for your thing. But it is, it is, it's weird as a kid to read something

that you're upset about as an adult I can be like I've literally never talked about this so it's really weird that I'm bringing it in now but like it's a funny it is a really weird thing as a kid and obviously my parents are busy

like getting divorced so no one talks to you about the press element because they're just going to talk about like themselves you know like about our situation you know you focus on the on the big fire which is in the house rather than like what it looks like from outside or whatever but I think it's really valuable

that you've given your kids all your kids the conversation and you've been like because you've done it so openly from the beginning it's like there isn't there isn't anything that they can't talk about i mean i'm putting words in you i've never been in your family home i don't know what they can't talk about but it feels like you are giving a really safe space to have all the comments and that that situation is incredibly unique but they were always going to have a different life you know they lost their mum which is horrible and and horrendous and so traumatizing for them anyway but they also have had a very have a very high profile dad anyway so like their situation is unique but it feels like

within that it's like no we are going to adapt and conquer and like and that's really nice like those tools and we do we talk about everything it feels as if you have been in the house there is no subject that goes unturned in our house yeah that's so nice but it's so great because you teach your kids to communicate communicate communicate and I think when you we our situation again was quite unique so it's really important that we do communicate because there's a lot of emotion there wasn't is a lot of emotions at certain times but then when the kids pull you up on something you're like oh shit talk about talking to communicate and you're doing what you should be doing but not to me not in this case though but I love it I love it our house is like an open we like yeah it's good

where do you how how have you found the confidence asking for a friend myself um how have you found the confidence to implement boundaries with your kids in the and don't ask that if you don't want to because it's like you're personal to your parenting. But I imagine it's difficult for any step parent to put about, I mean, it's difficult for any biological parent, any parent of any kind to implement a boundary, but to have the confidence to put the boundary in. Because I imagine, you know, like for a while there you've, and you probably still feel like you're finding your feet because we're all finding our feet all the time.

I feel like parenting's forever evolving, isn't it? So I feel like the minute you feel like you've got it's us, you actually haven't because we're onto a new phase. And I think it is all just about now that we're further down the line. Just talking. We just talk. And we're not always going to agree on staff a lot of the time. And we just come to some kind of agreement with it.

There's certain things as parents that don't shift, I suppose. But as children get older, you've got to think Lorenz is now 18, is it in 19. The parenting style change it. No, I don't think your style can change. But like you adapt and things change and you're learning and they're learning and they're just learning together. Yeah. And you're learning to let. go, it's actually the hardest age of parenting for me, the older years.

Yeah. Because I think with the babies and the toddlers, it's like full on exhausting. We've spoken about, you know, you're so tired. You're exhausted every day they want you. It's just like, whoa. It's amazing, but it's well. But they go to bed at night and you know that they're safe. You know that they love you.

Yeah. And they really want you all the time, which we find annoying, but they do really want you all the time. Teenagers and starting to move out is they can talk to, but you don't. know where they are you don't know how they're feeling don't you really want them to love you you really hoping that all this work you've put in is enough because they are going to find out who you are and they're going to figure out whether they like that version don't think of me a panic attack I can't but so I find it the hardest age like I think you have more sleepless

nights for your teenagers than you do your babies because you're worrying about what they're thinking and what they're doing and is you done this okay it has the sign of a really good parent isn't it that's like Tell me what it is No it's because you're saying they're going to see you for who you are And it's like that is so exposing

that I sometimes I'll all the time my daughter will say things back to me and I'm like oh god that was me Like she'll say like just a minute I'm like oh god copy paste I never thought about that

They see you for who you really are Well we have with our parents haven't we Yeah So they will for us And also you've really No but you've got a while guys I was going to say

I've got a while You've got a while. Become, like, the best version of me. So you can impress him. Become a different person. Change you are. No, I know. That sounds crazy, but it is like, it's a whole different level of parenting.

Wow. And I think that's my thing that I'm still got the baby stage and they're like, oh, and the nappies. But then I'm also trying to do the 18-year-olds and the 16-year-olds. So you've got a lot of different, you're switching in and out of different parents. in different, yeah, like, even the voices. Hell of it, Laurence, come on. Like, you're two different people and you're doing it all at once. But also, it is amazing.

I've got to be honest, it's like I'm an only child. Yeah, and I live with just my mum. And I always wanted a big family. I didn't know I'd get it this way. But when I, as much as I'm moan that I'm tired and it's busy and everyone wants something from me, the minute it calms down a bit, you're like, oh, where is everyone? It's a bit quiet. I love the chaos. I love everyone just being loud and together and absolute carnage

because my house was so quiet grown up. My husband was like that. He's an only child to a single mom. Oh really? Just desperate for the chaos. Yeah. It's all he wants. See, I'm one of five. I grew up in chaos and I crave. Do you crave peace? Yes and no. Yeah. Mostly yes. Okay. So my kids are now one of five and I'm thinking, are they going to be like, I'm sick of this. because it is so loud but you see your sisters every day that's the thing i say i crave the peace but then i also attract the chaos still so i don't know i'll probably end up with like five kids i'm like one and done one and done but actually like watch this pace probably i'll be like oh we're having twins now i do think having like because i'm an only child just speaking from

experience like having more than one child not feeling pressure like it just makes it easier as well because they've all got their own relationships like it's hard because you've got more kids, obviously, but then they entertain each other and it's so lovely to see their relationships. Yeah, I'm just getting that now. Mind you. Oh, no, it's your little one's five months, isn't she? She's little, little, less one is five months and then my other one is two. Oh, God, you're in the, you're in the trenches right now.

Yeah, I'm, I'm fucked. Do you like the newborn, like the baby stage? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I really love being a mum. Yeah. Like, I just, I can't say it any other way. Like, even when it's horrible, I just, I really love it.

I had really bad pregnancies for those of them. So that was really hard. But this bit, I just love. Do you? Yeah, I love it to that. Like, already even though. Sorry. I've got, there's a little head shake going over here.

She doesn't get it. No, I'm like, good for you. I hated the newborn. I hated the newborn. Yeah, I didn't love the newborn. No, but I didn't love the newborn with Kree, my firstborn, but I liked it more with my secondborn show. Yeah, people say that.

Yeah. I think I was more relaxed. I wasn't as stressed. Yeah. I feel like I could enjoy it a little bit more. That's, that's for me, the anxiety. I just felt like I was so on edge. Like, I couldn't have been more on the edge the whole time.

Even when he was sleeping, I couldn't sleep because I was watching him to check he still breathing. Did you have space when you, sorry, not to completely derail out. Don't worry. You're like, just laid my trauma out on the line, but you go, you go. Do you want to, do you want to talk about some more? I feel really bad. Please carry on, don't worry.

She's like, I'm traumatized, sorry. It's all right. This is a really ironic question now because I want to ask. Kate, if you felt, do you want to talk about your trauma some more before I asked? I really don't. I've done enough. Go, go. I was going to ask, ironically, if you felt validated when you had your first biological baby, not validated.

But if you felt, because I felt when I have had my second baby that people are just like, what? Like, this is so boring. Like, you've already had one, like, whatever. Like, there's not a lot of, you don't get the same, like, compassion or space or whatever it is. You know, there's not the excitement, I guess. It's crazy, isn't it? But have you felt, because obviously your first biological baby was not Rhea's first, first, and you already kind of had three kids by that point. Did you kind of feel like you still had that first rush of newborn first baby, or did it not feel like that because you had the other?

Yeah, that's a good question, actually. It was a confusing time for me because I felt like I was a mum, but I hadn't given birth. I feel like a motherly figure that had the responsibility to look after children daily. But I'd never experienced having a baby or being pregnant. So I was doing that all at the same time. And it was really conflicting and confusing for me, actually. And I was struggling to look after the big three of the newborn. Because I didn't really know what I was doing, but I was still a responsible parent.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, I found that, like, conflicting. That's probably a big part of not being able to enjoy it as much as you wanted. Yes, it's true, actually. The pressure to make sure that everyone's still okay. Yeah. But actually, I did feel validated.

I always felt like there was a lot of judges. as in, she, she's not a mum. She doesn't know what she's doing. She's not a mum. And I felt like when I had career, I was like, oh no, I am a mum. But I have been a mum. And I have known what I was doing. Because being a biological mum, you still don't know what you're doing.

I kind of thought that the minute you become a biological mum, you're just going to like know what's going on with children. And it made me think, I didn't really know what I was doing as a step-mom, but I don't know what I'm doing as a biological mum either. I'm doing the same thing, caring and loving for children. Same thing. But I felt better. I feel like, especially after my second born shape, my confidence, I feel very, like, finally, like, confident in my role within the family.

Yeah. I have for a while, but I think the new kids have really made the family complete. And, I don't know, it just feels, I feel much more settled within that. Like, I look at my kids sometimes on the sofa and I'm like, I'm not sure you're all here. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not sure they're all here yet. Like, it doesn't look. Oh, so you're having more?

I would like to Yeah For sure And my pregnancies are really difficult So I actually don't know What that's going to look like But when I look at the sofa

I'm like Yeah there's room This space This isn't I don't think you're all here yet And like I really understand That feeling I look at the sofa

Just say you know I'm in it It's absolutely full There is no more space We are done Because I think I'd have a breakdown You need a really big show Over there

I'm already driving like a big Viano You know like a bus Yeah literally because that's the only way that we're all going to fit in the car so no the capacity even though there's different ages there's still you're still family brain space brains there's no brains i've got a thousand tabs open that's what i say in my brains i'm wondering if there was like a moment for you in your blended family life that really stands out to you as really special like a moment that you replay and that kind of made all the tougher times like really worth it you know what i've

been asked that question a few times I wouldn't say a particular moment but I think lots of moments just like even just looking at all the children playing together and just being happy you know when you just kind of thought you're having an out-to-body experience and you're sitting watching something just things like that that happen weekly that I think wow this could have been so so this could have gone the complete other way the kids have lost their mom they've been through so much the fact that we've all ended up here together their mom is still not here which is still like an ongoing issue and something that they struggle with. But the fact that we've got a family unit after that and we seem to have met and

this has all come together and we've got two new siblings from it, it's quite remarkable. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, like we've got happiness. Which, of course, when you think about child bereavement, what more could you? Yeah. That's the best outcome. Yeah. It's the only outcome.

Out of a terrible situation, we have got some joy. And some families don't get to have that. So I feel like we're really lucky in that sense. And that's it. That's like that's, it's really beautiful. Like, yeah, I actually, that I had a like light bulb moment as you're speaking there. It's like, of course, you know, I had friends when I was little who lost their parents. And you think, and it, of course, they need to be, they need to have a really full life.

And that's exactly what their parent, their parent who died would want for them. Yeah. But we don't really fall, like forward play stuff like that. You know, we kind of leave people. in the sort of heavy period that we see their trauma. We kind of see that period. And that's kind of where we leave them. But it's really beautiful to see the sun come out again.

Do you ever talk about that, like what you would want if you passed away? Sorry, I'm going to, I'm quizzing you now, but this is all making me think about it. Because I do think that is really important. Yeah, we've talked, me and my husband talk about it. Like, because of like, even just having it written down, because what I think is, not that I've been for it, obviously, just I think for me, A lot of people would think they know what I want based on they think they know me, but maybe they wouldn't.

So that's something I'm really clear with and have it written down, like, what I would want if something happened to me for the children and for real. Yeah, I said to Alex quite, like, I want to be, I want to be somewhere, like if I die, I want to be, I want to be ashes, I don't want to be buried, but I want to be left somewhere that the kids can come to me. Like, I don't want, I want it, ideally I'd stay in the house because we've got one of our dogs died and we left her in this in their kitchen and it's really nice because for ages you can still talk to it and still and now there's all the dead dogs in the kitchen and when you go back not like

they're bodies but their ashes um so when you're all coming out now but they're dogs in my kitchen but like when when when I walk past them I still say like hi to them and I really love that and I know it's different pet grief is different but I like that I can be like oh hi but so I've always said that like just leave me somewhere that I can be present and do what you want move on please and find someone and he always says I don't want to and I'm I'm like, you don't be stupid because it's a long life and whatever. But I would like to be somewhere in, let the record show. I want to be somewhere in the house.

So that I can just still be part of it. If they want me, if the kids, it depends how what the kids are. But yes, I would like to be there so that they still feel like I'm part of it. They can still talk to me. And I can still. Do what makes me nervous about that? What? Is that what if someone like accidentally bashes over the ashes or something?

Plastic, plastic. That makes me nervous. Put me in a wooden box. Taped up plastic iron. That is, yeah, right. That is that, well, you see for me. That is what I see for you. Take her in a chaperware and do a bit of duct tape over the lid.

No, I want, just like a little thimble or something, just a little bit. You can scatter me everywhere else, but maybe just leave a little bit. Or they can have a little bit each or something, however they want to do it, but I would like to be in the house in some capacity. So I don't want them having to trade, if they don't want to it, but I wouldn't want to have them traipsing off to a graveyard and having it be sad. I'd rather be part of their every day. if they wanted that.

But that's my... What about you? I don't know. I don't know. What about thinking about it now? What feels right? I need to think about it. I've really put you on the press on here.

Because I don't really don't want to be buried, but I also wouldn't want to be cremated. So I don't know if there's another option. But what would you want for Tommy? I don't know. What would you want to be with someone else? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Well, that's think of you. I'm thinking of you. I'm thinking straight away. Not straight away. But like, as soon as he's ready. As soon as he's ready. Yes. Straight away.

Straight away. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like them to like, yeah, like, I wouldn't want like the sadness for them. I'd like them to like not forget about, I don't want them to forget about me, but also like not. We could do a mural of you if you'd like outside the house. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard, isn't it? It's really hard. We hold it together, don't me, their lives. And you can't imagine like your children without you.

What would you like? Oh, yeah. I think it's going to come back to me. Uno reverse. I don't think I'd want to be buried. No. I think I'd just want my ashes, no, like, I wouldn't want the pressure of something fragile. Fragile. I also wouldn't want if a new woman come in to worry that my ashes are there.

I think just sprinkle me in a few parks that I like to walk the dog and just walk the dog whenever you feel like it. Yeah, that's nice. I don't want the pressure of you having to go somewhere. I don't feel like you have to go somewhere to remember someone either. No. I think sometimes, and that adds pressure, doesn't it? Like, unless you're going to the grave, you don't care about so-and-so, for example. Just remember me and walking, because I love walking the dog.

Yeah. Yeah, you could, maybe you could put me somewhere. Or a bench or something. Yeah. I said to Rio maybe get me a bench in the park. It's like, yeah, if someone graffities on it or, like, does that, you've got to have the hump. I mean, yeah, true. You got him in the last, grabbing the bench.

And I think you get quite protective of the bench. Yeah, yeah. Like, I imagine the family are quite like, vaguely. Mind you, there's one on a, there's a one on a park near. me that's like I saw it yesterday it says for herbie like chief chief stick chaser oh it's a dog that is going to tip me over there seriously the tears are going to come do not she's on the verge I can tell definitely on the verge don't talk about bloody heart it's a lot yeah I know I do cry a lot yeah I'm always are you always yeah blood is too close to my eyes mom says yeah oh I've really

asked you some deep questions we're talking about blending I'm asking you what are you going to do what do you want to happen to you sorry guys Thanks for ruining my day. It's like first thing on a Monday morning. I do think it's important though. And I think it's like, it is this big taboo that we have this big, and obviously we do. It's like it is the ultimate, you know, like it's terrifying.

Death is terrifying. But it is important that it is part of life and it's recognised as part of life. And I don't know, a bit bleak maybe. Also, sorry, just to add, blended isn't all doom and gloom. I just want to say it's for anyone that's listening. Because we have a right laugh. I've got two co-hosts, and we don't just talk about my situational grief. We talk about mad stuff.

We have a right giggle. We have a few tears as well. You'd probably come along. You'd probably shed a few tears. But it is also upbeat. It's not just negative. Because sometimes I think he can get into these doomy conversations and like, oh God. But it's normal family life.

It's just being a mom, a stepmom. I've got a really good friend who's a stepmom. And she, oh my God, the voice notes I used to get, because obviously she ended up becoming a mum at like when he was six and the stories from her she's like I am learning every day like the things she would message learning and it's like this just sounds unhinged because at least when it's like a baby baby it's like we're going to learn together but when you get a six year old it's like god you're a lot yeah you're just learning on the job

but we all are aren't we all yeah yeah oh god I wouldn't know what to do the six year old I don't know what to do with a seven no soon you don't know what to do of a two year old well we didn't and now you just got to learn you're just kind of making it up we're just learning, aren't we? Definitely. I feel like the different state. Learning from people before, they've done it before us. Yeah, and just hoping for the best. Yeah. I'm hoping that you're not completely fucking it up to, aren't you? Well, I am. I don't have anyone else is.

Oh my God, always, every day. Hoping that I've got it right, yeah. Fingers crossed. Kate, this is so great to talk to you. Thank you so much for coming on. It was brilliant. We are going to leave the link to Blended in the show notes. And your book as well. Got that little bit of promo in there, didn't know?

Yeah, well done. Seamless. Thank you so much for having me. I've had such a lovely time. Thank you. So nice to chat to you. Thank you. Should I delete that as part of the Acast Creator Network?