Should I Delete That? - Is It Just Me: Do it with gousto

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

In this week's IIJM, the girls discuss breast reductions, sexual shame and gym knickers...Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] & edited by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Hello, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm all right. I'm happy Thursday. How you doing? I take it back. No, we're here. Take it back. No, we love... Okay, fine. We're here. Everyone loves it to be in an accent so much. No, they fucking don't. Yours, particularly. It's horrific. And we know it. Um, I'm going to kick us off with a question. question. Where? Okay, I'm just going to jump in. Hi, M&L. I really need your advice and feel like you guys will understand. I've been suffering with disordered eating for over 15 years. I've only gotten help recently after realizing it doesn't matter that it doesn't look like I have an eating disorder. I was definitely anorexic in my teens slash early 20s but never looked it so I

never got help specifically for anorexia back then. Now for the last six years I've suffered with the constant yo-yo dieting and binge eating cycle. My BMI now is approximately 35, not the highest I've been as I got a gastric band three years ago, which I massively regret and wish I got therapy instead. I lost so much weight but gained almost all of it back. I've wanted to get a breast reduction since I was probably 16. I'm 29 now. Due to the strain, large boobs have on my body and prevent me from doing exercise that is more than a walk. Plus I hate the unwanted attention, stares and comments I get. I still want to lose weight. but I physically can't put myself through a diet

and just want to lose weight and be at a natural weight for me because I'm looking after myself. I'm finally at a place where I feel food isn't controlling me and my weight has stayed steady. I'm seeing a dietitian to help me make better food choices but it's all early days. I'm finally in a financial position

to be able to fund a breast reduction without a loan. I can only do it in the school summer holidays as I need to rely on family support that live 300 miles away, so I have to time it right. I've gone through two breakups in the last 18 months and I don't want to date again until I've done this, as not only do large breasts affect my body, but my confidence

massively. I feel my body confidence issues have affected my relationships and have partly allowed me to settle with someone who didn't deserve me. I now realize any partner friend is bloody lucky to have me in their life, so F them if they don't treat me right. Good for you. Do I go ahead and do the surgery this summer at my current weight, or do I wait another year in the hope I lose weight? The surgery is £9,000, so it's a huge financial commitment. Results would be better if I lost weight, but I've been trying to lose weight to do this operation for over five years since I learned about it. I feel neutral about my body, except my boobs, for the first time ever, so I think it shouldn't matter what my weight is. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Love Anonymous.

P.S. it's thanks to you guys that I eventually got help for my eating disorder. That's really nice. What do you think? So I guess I have, I mean, I've had a breast reduction. So, I've had a breast reduction. So I have experience with this. I had a breast reduction. I think it must be like six years ago now. Must be. I can't remember when I had done.

It must be like six years ago. And I've put on a lot of weight since. Because six years ago I weighed significantly less than I do now. And my boobs now are probably as heavy as they were then. Yeah. So, I mean, look, in an ideal world, you'd be, when you have this surgery, you'd be at the weight that you're going to stay out forever. But that's not realistic. That's not realistic at all because we lose weight,

we gain weight. And we just, realistically, we don't know what we're going to do. I mean, you're saying that you've tried really hard to lose weight and you've been trying to lose weight to do this operation for five and a half years. And yes, you're seeing a dietitian to help you make better food choices. But it might be. that you, it might be that this is your weight and you're going to stay at this weight. Yeah. And it's that thing of putting your life at hold, whether it's going on holiday or going on a date or having a surgery, whatever it is. It's that thing of like putting your life on hold waiting for something that might never happen. Right. And it sounds like you've thought very

long and hard about this. You saved up for it. You said at the end, you know, I think I want it. that you've cut as far as I hear it I think you have your answer yeah I do too if there's no medical reason not to the size that you are you know if they say maybe the results would be dramatically better but I mean I'd say if like I I know you've had one now like I had a friend who had one whose quality of life was significantly improved for when she had it she was so so deeply affected by her boobs and as soon as I'm done

breastfeeding my last child I will have a breast reduction 100%. Do you think? No doubt. No doubt. They've got so big

and so saggy they are going to be up and out like they are I'm heaving them up and chopping them off and that's just going to be that and I'm going to leave an easy life

and it's going to be stunning. Yeah, I think I think the breast reduction out of all of the cosmetic surgeries improves quality of life the most. Like that has the most satisfaction rate, whatever you want to call it, is breast reduction. And people really do feel a mass. And honestly, I still am so, I am really happy that I did it. Yeah. Because for me, I was really insecure about my boobs as well because they were big, but also because I'd lost and gained so much weight in my life up to that point that they were really low as well.

And even though I've put on weight now, they're not low now. So, like, I have been super happy with it. And I think that for anyone who's been thinking about this for a really long time and is in a financial position to do it and knows the reasons why they're doing it and knows the, you know, potential risks and how to, you know, manage the situation and whatever, you know, I'm not going to encourage anyone,

but I also do think, like, at some point, I reckon you do just say, go for it. How was the recovery for you? You know, for me, it was, it was, it was fine. It was really okay. I mean, I didn't have, like, any, a strenuous job, like, physically strenuous job. So it's totally fine. I went back to work.

I think it's two weeks off work. And I was in very, very little pain. I think I took some painkillers like the first few days. And then I was, I did get, I. did get an infection actually. I got an infection like underneath one boob in the in one of the scars. Um, so that wasn't that fun. But genuinely the recovery was so much better than I imagined it was going to be and that I had read it was going to be like it really was fine, fine for me. And this is you of the very low pain threshold. Exactly. Exactly. Sorry listeners for context.

I have, I have my baby on my, on my massive bosom actually. my problem was I was super squeamish about the operation that's what put me off I was the same as this girl I'd wanted it for so I wanted it forever yeah but I was put off by the the thought of the operation um but actually when it came to it I said to the surgeon I don't I don't actually want to know what you're going to do and like where you're going to cut and whatever I don't want to know I just want to tell you like how small I want you know what size I would like them to be and then just go for it yeah because I don't I don't I don't want to know the ins and outs it's just going to freak me out yeah fair enough and did they lift them

up or just just take them out yeah yeah yeah lifted them up yeah yeah that's what i want yeah yeah a lot yeah and i get it as well you know you said it's part of it like you know you just don't want the unwanted attention and stuff and i just think like it's so depressing that that's such a reality but i just absolutely get it so get it i so get it you know like i i think you're the same actually like I never, ever show off my cleavage. No, I very, barely do. You know what, actually, I used to. When I was insecure, because my boob, when I was,

because I was like, you, my weight went up and down so much when I was younger. And my boobs would always change the most. So when I lost weight, like when I was my thinnest, I, my boobs got to the smallest they'd been, but they were so much flatter than they would have been, I think, because I had been so, because they had been so much bigger when I was bigger. and when I was insecure in my body and I was curvier I would show I would dress with more cleavid I think because it was an area of curve that I felt was more like celebrated yeah and I think it plays into like the male validation thing that we're talking about last week like I think it was a way of making me feel better about how I looked in my body and stuff because I was like well at least I've got like at least men like this, like they might, like I might not be thin, but at least like, yeah, people like this.

And then as I got older, you realise it's actually, like, it's the bane now, I think because now my boobs are bigger than they've ever been, obviously, because I'm breastfeeding. And you realize, like, that people, it's such a weird thing where you get kind of accused of attention seeking, like, I'm already being accused of attention seeking online when I'm breastfeeding. And it's just like, really, like, I. Am I? Really? Am I?

Really? And getting dressed again is so difficult. Like, it is easier and more flattering in quotation marks to dress more cleavagey than not. Yeah. Going into the summer and stuff, like, I'm really struggling to dress myself in a way that's, like, easy to whip a bap out for starters. But also for, like, just my new body. And I think having boobs, I was talking to Ashley Jamie. about this the other day who obviously is she's also just had another baby but she has got

really big boobs and really struggles with how sexualised she is because of them particularly breastfeeding we were talking about it the day like you can't just wear a shirt when you've got big boobs no like you can't you have to have it undone to the um yeah to the middle so then you've got to have your boobs out so you just end up wearing big t-shirts or big jumpers or whatever and it's like that's actually so unfair just because you don't want to draw attention to this part of your body that is just a part of your body. I know. You know, and this is, this is, this is, this is sounds so crazy, but I, the one thing I regretted about my wedding dress was that I didn't realize that, you know, I'd only tried it on for fittings before.

And I didn't realize that once I kind of, once my body settled into it and I, and I wore it in a little bit, that it would drop down at the front. and I had cleavage in a lot of my photos, and I hated it. Did you? Yeah, I felt really uncomfortable about it. And I just felt like if I'd have known, I wouldn't have chosen something that was going to show up. And you probably remember I spent the whole day like pulling it up because I do feel super uncomfortable about my cleavage being on show.

I don't, I don't know why. I mean, I think you are shit, like women with big boobs are shamed for it. You are literally called Slotty for having big boobs. Yeah, yeah. Like, it is, like, the way that I was spoken about as a teenager, it's actually wild, and I probably did play into it because I was, I don't know, insecure and completely overwhelmed by probably my own sexuality or whatever.

But the way that you're spoken about, it's like, and you can wear, you know, you and I could wear the same dress as somebody with no boobs, and it would look, you would, one of us would look like a slut and the other one wouldn't and I use that word not because you actually, I would actually look like a slut, whatever that means, but because that's how you would be described. Perceived. Yeah. And it's actually not to always, always be thinking about it. And you know, most of this, I remember I woke up at 13. I went from an A cup to a C cup practically overnight and then about a week later I went from a C to an E and I was like 13 and all my friends

were like, oh my God. And I was like, oh my God. Like, and it was, and my mum had always had really, really big boobs as well. So it was like, you know, I knew they were coming for me. But it was like, it was terrifying. And in a way you do get like, you know, oh, I'm so jealous, like from your school friends and stuff. But you are given a womanly body as a child and then just expected to navigate it. And I actually think it's a real head fuck.

And I think that's why so many of us now have really confirmed. afflicted feelings about our sexuality and about how we look and how we're perceived because of it. I remember one of my friends saying that if you can put a pen under your boob and it stays then you need a bra. I can't remember how old I was, literally a kid because I was saying I developed like overnight and super young and I remember putting the pen under and I could have put four pens under probably. I put the fucking pencil came under. Being hysterical. It was so upset because I was like no I don't want this I don't want it because you don't when you're a kid and I don't know especially like my family is very prudish and you know doesn't really yeah I just

absolutely hated it despised it yeah it's mad that that initial bit where your boobies come in I remember my best friend Ellie who's a couple of years older than me and I remember clear as day I remember this conversation and we were standing in the sea of all places and in the other man and it was fucking freezing and we were like paddling and we just, we were like I mean she's two years old as I was than me but maybe I was 11

or 10 or 11 and I remember and I had this green vest that had like a sort of built in like a built in bra to it and I remember my mom really like sort of but it was like it was like it was a top because I wasn't we weren't planning on swimming

it was just like it was a best and I remember my mom really trying to sort of infiltrate my wardrobe with with things that might help my budding bosoms. And I remember Ellie being like, you started wearing a bra. And I was like, no, why?

And it was such, I was like, and it was such a horrible conversation. I was like, I hate this. It has to. I'm so embarrassed. And like those two years, I've got my friend's daughter going through it now. And I see her and I'm like,

oh, this is the most painful part of growing. It's so painful. when they just start and they're coming all triangularly and you just got triangle but oh my god and you know my PE kit at school was white like white tops and I just yeah hated it hated it we had to wear we had to wear knickers our PE kit was knickers was it called my grandma's PE kit was knickers and we are like we had a little field and it was in a city and people in the city

could like just watch this field like they could just stay and they did they just stud stood down and watched watched us all and we we had to be in these little gym knickers we had to be we would be like get detention if we weren't so you've got boys weren't in knickers

no no no obviously yeah I don't know it is mad and yeah I feel really conflicted about it now because obviously you know we still live in a world but like if you are sexually harassed the first thing is what you wear what were you wearing? And I remember the

not that long ago like a couple of years ago when my boobs they've been they've been an EVE for a while but I don't think they used to look that big before I was pregnant

because my back's very narrow so like my almost like a 30 or a 32 but on my back and I don't think they looked massive but I was at that difficult stage where it's like

if you go without a bra on you I could you know you could you'd be their eyebrows raised and I remember wearing not wearing a bra one summer in like 20-20-20 it was fucking it was no just yeah it was 2021 and I remember my sister took me to the dentist and we'd done this

Instagram thing like she just did a joke because I looked so ugly at the dentist because it was during my broken jaw era and we put up a funny photo and I remember getting this comment from this woman being like you talk all the time about blah blah blah and it was like she was nice enough but basically saying but you're not wearing a bra so anything that you get you're asking for and it was just like oh my god that's actually insane they're like can you hear that like can you hear that like Can you hear that? Can you hear that? It's sick. Yeah. And it's actually that because then if you do wear a bra, then you're sotty for having your bra on show. Yeah.

You cannot win. And I think any hint of a bosom and you just cannot win. And I find it really depressing. And I'm really interested to watch this journey for myself online as I continue breastfeeding in the summer. Because at the moment I'm lifting up a jumper. But I don't know what to wear in a way that I can easily. excessively feed my child and not be perceived as asking for it or attention seeking or slutty

it's wild oh it's so bad isn't it it is so bad it's actually bad it is now illegal to ask somebody to leave an establishment because they're breastfeeding though i mean i can't believe it wasn't illegal i know but it's given me a real sense of confidence because i was a bit like her at the beginning i was like just happened no in the last few of the day no in the last years, I think. God, that is so crazy. It's like that, I keep it in my back pocket for everything. Like, if anyone's, if it don't gives me a look, I'm like, I dare you, I fucking dare you to come over here because you will be breaking the goddamn law. Oh my God, I just can't believe that would ever happen, you know, that people, like, someone will be

asked to leave a bit for breast sitting, breastfeeding. Yeah, no, it happened to my friend Anna, she was in a park and someone yelled at her. Are you kidding me? Oh my God, that's so bad. That's insuriating. I feel like that. I feel like. we're on a theme talking about like sexuality and and breasts and breasts yeah all this sort of things I've actually got a DM about somebody being uncomfortable with their sexuality and I think while we are discussing these things we should stick we should stick with it hi Alex M and the team I of course want to say I love the podcast and look forward to new episodes every week especially the is it just me's thank you so to jump right in to my is it just me it's to do with being uncomfortable

with my sexuality. Growing up, my parents didn't really talk about sex, and if they did, it was often in quite a negative way. Fast forward to my adult life, and I often get feelings of shame and embarrassment surrounding sexual desire and being desired by others. I'm in a healthy relationship, my boyfriend is amazing, but sometimes I get quite anxious about sex, which really impacts our relationship. His sex drive is a lot higher than mine, which I don't think helps, but sometimes even though I'm in the mood, the feelings of shame prevent me from enjoying the experience of doing it altogether. I really don't know how to get over this and any advice would be appreciated, although I do realise that this might be the kind of thing to take

to therapy. I do agree that it's a good thing to take to therapy, but the first stop can always be us. We don't mind being the dry run. We're the gateway. Totally unqualified. We'll do what we can. My first suggestion is to go back and listen to the episode that we did with Natalie Lee at Style Me Sunday on Instagram because her, she talks a lot about sexual shame and her whole book is about sexual shame. It's called, and we discussed her book in the episode as well. It's called Feeling Myself, How I Shed My Shame to find Sexual Freedom and you can too. So I would listen to that episode back. I would buy her book

don't take advice from me because I'm in exactly same position as you because I also grow up with a family who hate sex talk about it as if it's like literally the worst thing you can do

but style me Sunday on Instagram and her book is amazing and I think it will really really help you yeah I think it's I mean all those things we were talking about earlier I actually did

recently an ad for a porn company. Yes, Cheeks. And Cheeks, yeah. And even I, a sex toy-wielding mania, was anxious about it. Like, I really got in my head about doing the ad. Like, I said yes before I had Arlo.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. Because I've previously worked with Beducated and Cheeks is a similar premise in that it has, obviously it's ethical porn, but it's also, um, made sort of like for the female gaze it's much more diverse um you're more like see a self-represented like i really like the ethos behind it in terms of like the direction that the world needs to go in when it comes to porn but it also like bedicated has a sort of educational arm to it and i've worked

with bedicated before and i think these platforms are really important because sex like and i've said this the first time i ever talked about sex on the internet was, I don't know if you remember Zoella had a big scandal where they, the sex toys started, Zoella, the blog, did a blog, this is Zoe Sog's blog, did a blog post about sex toys. And because of that, she was, we spoke about that. Yes. We spoke about that in our first ever podcast episode. Yes.

Yeah. And then she was removed from the curriculum. So that was the first time that I ever talked about sex on the internet. And it was because I just felt really strongly. I had this moment of huge clarity that it's like, if we don't teach women, to enjoy sex, then we're teaching them to not enjoy it. And that's just so distressing when you consider anything to do with consent or any kind of sexual, any kind of sex.

You can't send women out there to have sex that they're not, or girls out there to have sex, that they don't know how to enjoy. And only 20% of women can orgasm through penetration alone, and nobody knows that, you know, like women don't know that. And they feel like there's something wrong with them if they can't enjoy, sex all the time and if it's just like two to two pumps and then it's like oh well that's shit and then you feel like there's something wrong with you and i think yeah like it's it's such a it's so wild that we've come up we've grown up in a world that just accepts sex as a massive

part of our life because without it there is no life but does not allow for any celebration of women within that it is all about you know sex is finished when a man finishes and that's that's literally it and I think it's no wonder that women have feelings of shame particularly because you know like I remember at school talking about boys masturbating you know boys would talk about wanking pretty openly and I remember one I've taught us before I remember one girl had a video of her masturbating that got sent around the whole school oh no on a knocky of like this It was like a, like, oh, you know, we all had our, like, Nokia and Motorola flip phones and stuff, and it was like, and I remember seeing that video in the back of the classroom and just being like, fucking hell, this is what happened to women. It was like my earliest lessons. Like, this is what happens to girls who are overtly sexual. Like, they'll be punished. They'll be humiliated.

Oh, that's so sad. Yeah. But that's, that happened, I'd say that happened to every school up and down the country. Like, it's so common that women would be, girls would be shamed for, you know, how. often would a girl and a boy have sex and the girl's the one that's called the slut? It's what we talking about earlier. So I think we all grow up with this huge sense of shame or like that we're going to get branded even in our own relationships with a big Scarlet A. Like you don't want to be the one that wants it more. Like I think it takes quite a confident woman to initiate sex, particularly even in her own relationship. Because like it should be the man that wants it, right? It should be him that's like desperately like clumbering after you all the time and like

pestering you for sex and you should be, you know, not really wanted, but you've got to give it to him to, like, fulfill his needs. Yes, and you have to be grateful for it. You have to be very grateful. You have to put on a smile and do it with gusto. And it's just, and that's just, that's great. No, it's, you're right, like, performative. It's, but, you know, you're doing it to, to keep him happy. So the idea that you want it to make you happy, it feels like selfish. indulgent it feels indulgent yeah very indulgent and like yeah oh and you're just going to use your man not you you're just gonna you to get to get like you you you you absolute harlot you hussy you slut yeah you're missing your man like and it's actually insane that we take these feelings

into our relationships and I actually think it's so so common to feel like that even within a relationship because it's just a dynamic that we are fair shown used to that the man wants it more and I think that can be a real thing you know I hit all the time from a followers on Instagram about men who don't want sex as much as their partners yes we've answered that at least twice on this podcast and then the woman feels they both feel like something's wrong with them and then yeah because there's a lot of stigma around that for men as well there's a lot of stigma around it for both actually for the woman because

I mean does it indicate that there's something wrong with her that she's just not attractive enough that you know her man isn't pestering her for sex like everyone

says he's supposed to and for him as well you know it's there's a lot of stigma around it for him as well so we don't talk about about that yeah it's actually it's yeah it's so depressing

and I think like you're so not on your own for that and I don't you know as much of it as is probably to do with your upbringing in that your parents were quite private about it

I wouldn't hold too much weight in that, in that I don't think there were many households that were very open about sex. Yeah. Like obviously watching sex education, you know, like I think we all assume that everyone else's mom is like Jillian Anderson. But my mom's not far off, to be fair.

Yeah, she's not. Mine is. But I think, like, for the most part, but still, even though my mom's very open, there's not much you can't take to my mom, I would still feel a burning sense of humiliation if I had to bring up anything to her.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something personal. Yeah, no, I get that. Yeah, like I could talk in hypotheticals with her. I could be like, oh, man, did you know that anal beads don't have string or whatever? And she'd be like, cool, bro. But if it was like, did you know I tried to put an anal bead up my bum?

She'd be like, I haven't. Back away. She is listening to this. So I haven't put a name of being up my bum And if I had, which I haven't, we'll never talk about it But I haven't But will you talk about it on here Because I've got questions

No, I know, I know God don't, I know you've got questions I wish I could answer them But it's, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times It's not for me It's fine, I've got your friend I've got your friend who has all the answers Yeah, so it's all good Not much she's not put up a bum to be honest

but yeah I just yeah I just I think we don't talk about it with our parents and that's probably a good thing and we don't talk about it with our friends

and that's probably a sad thing but you're not on your own for feeling that sort of weirdness and there's a lot in the way of resources I mean obviously you want to take it to therapy 100% support you but like Al said

that podcast episode that we did with Nat was great bed educated is a really good Yeah really good platform I really like the sex doctor

on Instagram and then come curious I mean I know they're absolutely wild and crackers and they've got the kind of sexual liberation that I could never

but it's fun to watch that that empowers me same so yeah there's all sorts out there yeah it definitely helps me listening to them talk so freely and so openly

about sex and their own sexuality for sure alleviates some of the shame that I feel around sex, definitely. 100%. We're going to have them back as well. Oh yeah, we are. I reckon if you spoke to your partner about it, he'd be like, oh my God, I would love it

if you initiated this or if you, whatever. You know, within our relationships, I think we project a lot onto what we think that men want from us without realizing that the men that we're with aren't the men we're thinking about when we think about the man you know yeah so i mean that was a serious a seriously sexual episode it was it was it was serious it was sexual um i feel uncomfortable no i don't it's all good no i don't i'm absolutely fine i think you did really well now she loved that i was

yeah oh i've had this email um it was actually from me asking for a friend No, I hope that helps in some way. And also to the girl who's thinking about the breast reduction, if she wants, you can email again to that email address and I'll get back to you like any questions you have about that. There was someone who I, who had had a breast reduction that I was speaking to when I was having one. I was so thankful for her because I was very lost and scared and she was just brilliant. So it's so good to have someone. So I'm open for that for sure. So yeah, thank you for listening. Thank you for being here, our friends. We will be back on Monday. On Monday. And we love you loads and we hope we for cracking weekend. We love you lots. Bye.

Bye-bye now. Thank you so much for listening. Should I delete that is part of the ACAST Creator Network.