Should I Delete That? - Is It Just Me: I'd rather be an ape

Episode Date: December 7, 2023

On this week's IIJM, the girls discuss being too selfless, printing money and appendicitis in Antarctica...Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, welcome back to Should I Delete That. I'm Alex Light. And I'm Em Toxin. This is an Is It Just Me episode. And I am going to start with an embarrassing story that dropped into our inbox an hour ago. How fresh and current are we? Hot off the press. Okay. I just got a flashback of this story and I'm sat frozen in fear that my mind would dare remind me of such a thing.

I so feel that Sometimes I get so mad at my brain I'm like what the fuck are you doing Put it back where it belongs Back buried in my subconscious When I was super young Like junior school so maybe eight I was on the phone to my best friend

And my mum was sitting in a different room Being eight years old We were discussing what our favourite words were And I told my friend that I had a new one But I couldn't say it in case my mum heard My friend was desperate to know it So I thought great Great idea I'll text her it

So I texted her one word, bell-end, very excitedly. When my friend told me that she didn't get it, I checked my phone, and obviously I'd sent it to my mum. I just sent bell-end to my mum. Age to eight. I went back into the room with my mum, and she pishly looked at her, who was quite uncomfortable, to which I can't really remember what exactly she said, but it was a very disappointed tone, which made me want to fall into a black hole of shame. I hope you enjoyed lots of love.

I'll look at eight years old, something like, bellard, be like, you fucking not. But I actually used to talk about something that you said before that. You just told your brain to put something back in its subconscious. Yeah. Isn't it insane? Yeah. That in our brains, we have all of these words. Yeah.

All of these thoughts. Yeah. All of these facts. Buried. Buried? Yeah. Where the fuck are they all? Yeah.

I've got a really good fact for you. I've got a really good fact for you. It's here. It's here. I've still got it. It's here. I've got it. You've lost it.

No, no, no, I don't, I don't. See, right now that thought, I can literally see it, like, pinging off the bits of your head. Oh, it's like coming together. What is it when people go to, it's not Alaska, is it? No, sorry, I don't believe this fact already. No, no, no, it's really good.

It's really good. Hang on, just give me one second. This is the least trustworthy news source I've ever seen. And I've seen GB news clips. No, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. She saw it on TikTok. If you want to go and work in Antarctica, for whatever reason. I don't know what people do there, but whatever they do there, if you want

to go and do that, you first have to get your appendix removed. Is that because if you get appendicitis, then you'll die? There's no hospital to remove your appendicitis. Ow. Appendix. Why have you remembered this now? Are you trying to prove that you've got lots of facts in your head? You said fact and I was like, oh my God, I've got this great fact and I've been itching out on the podcast. But you've forgotten it. So you didn't have a great fact. I got there eventually. It's not fun though. It's not so fun. I mean, it's not. I feel like so many other things might, like, you might need a hospital for in Alaska, in Antarctica.

What if you get eaten by a polar bear? You'll need one then. What if you have a heart attack, you'll need one then? What if you get cancer? You could, you know, there's nothing to stop you getting cancer in Antarctica. I think they can do other things there. They just can't take out your appendix. But I don't know why they wouldn't be able to just whip on your appendix.

So if they can heal a polar bear bite. Yeah. I don't think that's true. Yeah, there's got to be more to it than that. I don't believe that's true at all. Like, I get that you don't want to have your appendix. Well, we've talked about this before. It's a stupid thing. Who told you? Did you find it on TikTok? Okay. I think it's been debunked. I think the answer is, do expeditioners need to have their appendix removed before going south? The answer is no.

Good. Yeah. I've got a friend that went there and he definitely. But doctors who are wintering at Australian Antarctic stations do have to have their appendix removed. This is because there is usually only one doctor on station during winter. Evacuation back to medical care in Australia is impossible for at least part of the year. Oh, so if you're the doctor, you can't have an appendix because you'd have to remove your own appendix. Is that why? Yeah. I wondered why, just why doctors.

Yeah, because you can't remove it yourself. That's like back in the day, there used to be three lighthouse keepers. So if one died or got into medical distress, one of them could go and get help while there was still somebody else to man the lighthouse. Because you could never leave it unmanned, because if you didn't have the light going, yeah. Ships would crash into you. I've got a fascination with lighthouses, you know.

Fascination. I, yeah. There are stories of like, there's a true story and I can't remember where it was based of like, like, oh yeah, what was it called? There's a Robert Pattinson maybe was in the film, the lamplighters. Yeah, it's terrifying.

I actually went up to the Alta Hebrides with Alex on holiday a few years ago and for reasons best known to ourselves in the middle of but fuck nowhere the most remote terrifying place with no phone signal we decided to watch this very sinister film about being in the middle of but fuck nowhere with no soul, like all of this. It was absolutely terrifying.

Anyway. Sounds it. Yeah, I'm really into like being absolutely terrified. But also, have you seen the light between oceans? Slash read the book? No.

Most beautiful book I've ever read. When I finished it, I sat and I sobbed for about three and a half hours about my own mortality and how like cruel and beautiful life can be. It's literally one of those beautiful books I've ever read in my life. I can't do that.

It's so amazing. But it's also now a film. I think it's got, you'd law in it someone dishy anyway it's so good it's like it's so sad it's about this like this family who trying for babies for years and years and years

and I think they lost their baby babies and um this this this this child washes up on the on the island that they're manning the lighthouse and they decide to keep it and raise it and not so happy not sad well I'll leave you there no see I don't want to I don't want to watch that

that sounds awful it's beautiful but heartbreaking I don't need to face my own mortality or you know I can't do that you can't face your own mortality no no no what was I listening to recently and it was just like I was like watching something and someone was just like oh no it wasn't I was like with my friends at the weekend and as this guy went to leave he was like oh we must do this again yeah it was like we must do this again soon time is running out and then that was just a full store oh my god did you ask him to expand no I was just Was it?

Well, I was like, well, you're not wrong. Like, yeah, it probably is. But like, what? That's so morbid. I know. Oh, my God. I thought he was going like, time's going so fast or like, ooh, time's flying by.

Nope. Time's running out. I was like, I can't call you out on that because. Oh, that makes me want to vomit. It's awful. Actually, he's right. I went a panel yesterday, panel talk. And the host asked me what I thought our purpose was.

And I was like, you literally couldn't have asked me a worse question. What did you say? Obviously, I went down on this existential spin of like, I want to help people. I don't know. I don't know. I was like, the truth is, I don't know. I don't know. Philosophers have been debating it forever.

I don't fucking know. Who am I? I'm not Aristotle. I just know that I look up a lot on TikTok. What is my purpose? And I never get the answers. Is that where you check? I think that might be where you're going wrong, you know.

On TikTok, what is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? Why do I exist? There are other places to take these questions. I know, but I like it in video form, like short video form, you know? Anyway, it was the worst question she could have asked me. And the audience was all just looking at me, kind of like, you're weird, you know? I should have said, to help people, I didn't.

That is what you should have said. But then I was thinking about this, because I was listening to a podcast recently, and they were talking about, like, and I can't remember the exact wording, but like how you have to have your own self like there has to be a certain percentage of like self-interest in even in helping people because otherwise if you're just selfless all the time you literally lose yourself you have to have an element of selfishness yes because otherwise you are gratifying to you to help people isn't that a bit wild though yeah do remember the episode of friends whereas like think about it any good deed you do ultimately makes you happy

makes you happy and is ultimately selfish yeah oh yeah I do I do remember that yeah but then I just think maybe we should just all be more

but I think that's okay humans are we're so selfish like we're that's the whole like we need it for our survival we are selfish I think your purpose is to to help people with eating disorders

and make people feel better in themselves I think you're probably saving more lives than you realize do you think? Yeah, I think you've got a lot of purpose. Yeah. Do you feel like you don't have any purpose? Well, I feel like if I put my, if I pin my purpose on that, what if that ends?

What if that stops? Why would that stop? Well, because that's not... Do you mean if you lose your platform? If I lose my platform. Then you can just go and help people in more raw and real ways. And things can... Not real, but you know what I mean.

Shake that. So like, OZempic is now like the hot new thing and everyone's taking a Zen pic and like diet culture is on the way back up so it's like that's why we need you more than ever well yeah don't despair true true yeah that doesn't actually what I did answer what I do think our purpose is is connection that's what I do think did you see that on TikTok that's the only place I can land no probably um not an original thought in my head because I know that when I'm like with someone that I really love or when I'm with Betty. Like, I, I feel like, I don't know. It's complicated, man. Maybe we don't have a purpose.

That's the thing. Maybe we just don't have a purpose. Maybe there is no fucking purpose. There's no reason for us to be here. There is no meaning to life. Probably not. Jimmy Carr said something I thought was interesting. He said the meaning of life is enjoying the passage of time. Yeah. Jimmy Carter says some profound shit. Like, I know he says some problematic shit, but he says some really profound stuff. Super profound. Yeah, I've seen some really TikTok clips. It made me think. Yeah, he did a TikTok. I I saw him do TikTok clip. I can't remember who the interviews with probably Stephen Bartlett because the interview is bloody everyone all the time. But, um, I know what you're going to go on. Yeah, it's about like if you behave like a dick all the time and if you're always an angry person, if you're

always angry, if you're, you're angry when you're in traffic and you're short-term, you're just a nasty person. It was not a nice person to be around. Oh, I didn't see that one. But yeah, I saw the one that was like, um, see he says a lot of profound shit. So much profound shit. He said, you know who you are when you're not around anyone else. else. Like, you're not going to throw rubbish out your car if someone's in the passenger seat with you. But if you're by yourself, you're going to throw rubbish out the car because that's the true, like, that's the real person that you are. Who are you when no one's around? A wreck.

Are you? No, what, I don't know. Is there only one, is there ever any, is there ever no one around? No, there's never, no one around. You were never alone. No, no. You can't ever be alone, no. I'm alone. Really? Oh, I love being alone. sometimes yeah when I run yeah when you run that's why I run that's why I go to gym

yeah is it yeah to be alone not necessarily because I love the connection with the hags and I love running

with my mum and stuff I do a lot for the headspace particularly since Arlo's been born it's been one thing that's been really important to me is like the headspace and I can't justify

any time on my own ever as a mom like I feel like I feel like I need to be with her all the time and then when I'm not with her I need to be making the most of not having her so I need to be working really hard or I need to be with my friends

and those are the things like I'm pulling myself in those directions where it's like if I'm not literally holding her I've got to be like so I can never justify like having a bath or just like watching TV on my own for an hour like I would never justify just doing nothing on my own but with exercise

like Alex and I have that conversation from like early on in my postparts, I'm like, that, I need that. Right. So, yeah, at the moment, I guess it is probably. Yeah. Oh my God, actually, fuck it. I'll just tell you something bad that I did when I was on my own when I was running yesterday.

Ooh. I've never done that in my life. Ew. I was running really fast. That's who you are when no one's around. Well, that's what I'm a bit worried about. I've never done that in my life. Spat, like on the pavement, like a on the curb.

Look, was not in the city. I would never. I was in the middle of nowhere. Okay, it's better. Yeah, I was in the countryside of nobody around. Okay, that's fine. That's the middle of nowhere. That's all right.

But then I've got, Jimmy's got in my head now. I'm like, oh my God, is that who I am? Is that who you are? Is that who I am? My gober. You're a gober? I was just really flammie because I was running really fast and I've had a bit of a cold last week. So I just, I get that.

And I just had to get it out and I couldn't stop because I was like sprinting. Is that who I am when no one's around? Well, clearly. So you're just never on your own. I can't remember the last time when it was on my own. That cursed me. You're always with Jen or with Dave. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Maybe that should be your homework. Maybe you should go and spend some time on your own before the baby gets here. I'd like to. Yeah, maybe you should go and have a night away by yourself. I'd like to be on my own. That would be nice. You've come a long way because when I first met you, you would never want to be on your own. I remember telling you that I was doing a night on my own because I wanted to and I'd ask Alex to go out and you were like, you did what? I know, I know. Because I always felt like that I was in some way like pushing Dave away if I or like.

God, poor Alex, I pushed me. He was going to leave me. He can't leave you now. You're fucking eight months pregnant. Where's you going to go? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but actually, I think I would like a bit of time by myself. I think you should have some time by yourself. Maybe you should learn who you really are with no one's around. But what would I do?

Whatever the fuck you want. That's the best bit. Unfortunately, for me, the only time I'm by myself is when I'm doing something horrible. Yeah, running, torturing yourself. But you could go for a swim. You could lie in a... you could lie down I don't like baths but I could lie down

you could read a book I'd love to read a book I would actually like you know what I'm going to read a book do that out yeah I'm going to read a book tell Dave to go out I could play the piano you could play the piano it's unused currently for a very long time you can do whatever you want

you're an adult God I am aren't I yeah and he probably Dave will probably be like grateful for it yeah he wouldn't care of I think I just said gay I meant to say great and then trying to say yay

Dave probably won't be gay if you spend time on your own I mean I hope not because I feel like that's already happened to me once like I can't take it again it's too much I just forget about that

shame fool me once shame on you pull me twice shame on me Jesus that would be a blow wouldn't it wouldn't it imagine

I would have to write a book then I feel like that's my gay husband two of them Wow God yeah forget about that I know I still want him

to come on the podcast Benny Do you think he will? He definitely would Yeah That would be lovely to talk about that Do you know what It would be really nice It would be emotional I think

You think Yeah definitely Have you healed all your shit Have I what He healed all your shit Definitely Yeah we have But there's still so much emotion

Between us In a really lovely way But like there's still like he is like I know him as well as anyone and he knows me as well as anyone it's still it's still like proper bond between us completely platonic bond obviously yeah he's just not that into you he's really no luckily I wasn't that into him either that kind of worked out well maybe I'll get him on the podcast I would love that um now our people know us our people know as well okay I've been tagged in something this girl yeah think

there were some questions. Yeah. There are just some things this girl doesn't understand. Okay. And obviously the person who watched this video just thought they were right up our street.

Yeah. What is world debt? Who do we owe money to? Don't! No! No, no, no. I refuse. I can't.

I can't do this question. But like really? I'll end up crying. You know, it's like billions. Like, we owe billions. I know. I think I owe you like 25p or something. Do you remember the other day?

I said I owed you. Or maybe it was like two pounds. 30 p, actually. And I got, my stomach just sank and you said that. I was like, oh my God. Imagine having billions. Imagine the anxiety. Like, His Majesty the King feels every morning when he wakes up.

He's like, oh, fuck, I owe like 50 billion. 50 billion. But who do we, I just can't. I'm like, yeah, who do we owe? Who do we owe? Like, the world's in debt. No, I know. It's stupid.

Money, like, I've thought this for a really long time. Money's really fucking stupid. Like, all of it. Hedge funds, ICEes. Don't know what hedge fund is. Deets. Credits. All of it.

I know, so stupid. Interest rates. Interest rates? Like, stupid. And no matter how many times I Google the question, why can't we just print more money? I just... I know why we can't print more money. I can't get it.

I know why we can't print more money. Go on. I believe they did it in Zimbabwe. There was a really bad recession. Really bad. I can't remember when. But I believe they were printing more. money there. I'm going to factor myself before this goes up, but I believe they're printing more money

there because I remember hearing this story about how, well, the more money you print, the less its value. So if you've got a hundred pounds, each pound, each of those hundred pounds has a certain value. If you print a hundred more, you half the value of every pound. If you print 500 more, you half the value again and again and again and again. But don't tell anyone that you've printed anymore. It doesn't work like that. Well, yeah.

The pounds basically just become less precious and so they did this they printed a lot more money. This is, we should have said this.

Hey, Zimbabwe government. Shh. Anyway, I remember hearing the story about how basically people would, had like wheelbarrows full of money

and by the time they would get there, they'd get their money out, they'd get to where they were going and by the time they got there the wheelbarrow would be worth more than the money. Like,

but yeah, the more of money you print the lower the value of the money that you've got left so you can't just print more money but in theory if you secretly slipped another couple of hundreds in like a monopoly every now and then that's the thing do it on the slide why can't we just do it as a bit why can't announce it hey we're just printing the treasury just be like don't look at us for a couple of days it's in everyone's best interest that you all just turn a blind eye yeah or we're just going to write off the debt Oh my God, do you know that bailiffs, I've learned this from TikTok,

do you know that if you ever let a bailiff over the line of your property, they've got access, that's it, they, they, if you're ever in a situation where bailiffs come to take your house, repossess your property, don't let them in. The minute they're across the threshold, it's their property. I thought they were allowed to enter, even if you don't let them in. Don't know about that, but I just know that the second they're over the line. So do not let them in. Yeah, just if you're having that situation.

God, I watched a, I watched a video on TikTok, I've done how I got onto this side of TikTok, where two bailiffs, went into a house and they kicked out a family and the little boy was on life support in the living room and they kicked him out. Oh my gosh. Shame on them. But I mean what a horrible job. Yeah, that's horrible job. Like you think being a traffic warden's tough

like, imagine having to be a bailiff. But surely you could be like, do you know what, we're going to leave this one actually? We're going to escalate this to... They did not leave it. No. Fuck. No. Anyway, more big questions. Oh, not money ones. I can't cope. The numbers. No, no, this one's much more curious. Where do hamsters come from?

What do you mean when hamsters come? Where do they come from? Because they're not in the wild. Do we just breed them to be pets? Where do mice come from? Well, mice are everywhere. Oh, God, yeah. You don't see a hamster running down the tube.

Oh, my God. You don't see a hamster hole. They're in the wild. Yeah. Guinea pigs. Again, guinea pigs. Ferrets. Beavours are fucking everywhere.

Beavours build dams. But where are the hamsters? Oh, where do hamsters come from? I don't know. No, I'm going to have to go. Where it's come from? Where'd come from? I'm cutting out of Joe. Yeah, weird thing, isn't it? Oh, hamsters are common household pets that originated in the wild terrain of

Southeast Europe, Middle East and Asia. Oh, they are little wild little animals. How they? Fuck, I love hamsters. My mum always said we couldn't have anything in cages. Then she relented, I'm sure I told you this, and got cat to her a mouse, Madonna. We didn't realize that Madonna was pregnant. So Madonna had loads of babies.

Then Madonna's babies all had sex with each other and made more babies so we had a mouse colony Then we let them all go into the wild Probably wasn't kind And then Madonna got the tumour as big as herself And Katia wouldn't accept that maybe it was time for Madonna to die So she went to the vets It was like hundreds

I think it was like £300 for her to have her little tumour removed And she died anyway I've got whiplash from that story Yeah we had so many mice babies And they just made more in-bred mouth babies It was vile there was so many mice and so after that my mum was like

told you no animals in cages oh god anyway how did we begin to be able to translate other languages if no one could speak the other languages in the first place how do we know that hello hello and bonjour were the same

that must have taken fucking ages to work out like they must have sat in a room and pointed at like lasagna and then had to point at like table table and then yeah I'm actually shame that I don't know this with the with the fast, extensive

linguistic knowledge that you have. I'm really annoyed at myself. I actually don't know. But it's because all the language, like it all originated from the same one and then it all like branched out. I don't know. How do deaf people get taught to read and sign language without being able to hear anyone explain it?

Say that all again. How do deaf people? How do deaf people get taught to read and sign language without being able to hear anybody to explain it? Now Alex's godmother is actually she teaches sign language and she works with deaf kids. So I'm going to ask her and come back to one. Okay, I really want to know that answer.

No, this one is really blown my mind. If we evolved from apes, then why are there still apes around? Why did some of us evolve and some of them just didn't? Like, wouldn't you be annoyed if you were an ape and you were like, oh, that's my potential? Like looking at Mark Zuckerberg and a little polar neck with all his money. Could have been that. Sitting on his iPhone.

But no, I've got to sit in the wild and just eat. bananas and scratch my bum and be cold. And pick others. Other apes. I love that. I'd love that life. That sounds wonderful. You'd rather be an ape.

I bet they have less problems. Oh, they've got so many problems. They live in trees. When it rains you get wet. When it's cold, you get cold. They can't just have a burger. They just have to eat the same stuff all the time. They can't have a pan of raisin.

They don't know what a burger is so they care, right? They can't have fucking pistachio madalins or whatever it is that you like to eat. They can't wear lovely and other stories jumpers Or nice middy skirts But life is just so much simpler Honestly I think there's something to be A dog

I'd like to be a dog You'd like to be an ape I'd like to be a dog I'd like to be yeah You'd really want to be an ape I just think life is so much simpler I bet you aides watch other eight's shit Like would you like me to watch you shitting

Would you like to be naked all the time You Al you would be an ape But I wouldn't know Any different. I wouldn't know. You'd be sitting there naked and shitting and picking out your own... You can't flee into an ape now.

That's not going to work. But as long as I never existed as a human, I would like to be an ape. But that's not an option. I would prefer to be an ape than a human. You prefer to be an ape than a human. I don't think... I bet mental health isn't a problem amongst the ape community.

I bet you it is, but I don't think we've tapped into enough of what brings you joy. I think we need to work on making your life more joyful. Did you think? Yes. I sound sad. Ow, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You'd rather be an ape.

How bad is your life that you'd rather be an ape? Oh, okay, now I feel sad. I'd rather be an ape. Would you? Thank you. Right? Are you guys okay? You can't go to Nando's.

Or Gales. But you wouldn't know. Gales. Gales. Or Pratt. Or Pratt. Oh, I would struggle. Pre.

You're not going to have a fucking oat milk, hot chocolate, Daisy. as an ape. Banana. And you'd love it. You eat the grass. Well, you're going to use a neutral bullet. In your palms. You get to pimple pop all day. And then you've just got...

You can do that as a human. No, you can't. Yes, you can also... You can make a banana milkshake as a human. All the things you can do as an ape, you can do as a human. There's too much choice. There's too many avenues.

There's too much to do and decisions to make. But I love all the things that we get to do as a human. Oh my God. You couldn't go to the aquarium as an ape. You couldn't go to a water park. You can't go to, you can't go to Tenerife. Like, you can't do any other cool stuff. I love being a human.

Like, you can't talk. We need a poll on the Instagram. Would you rather be an ape or a human? I'm actually intrigued by this because it's very clear to me. They're a human so great. I actually don't know what they face in the world, though. I don't know, like, what dangers they face if they're prey at all. I don't know.

Maybe I'm Don't you just love being a human though? Like there are so many great things. Yeah. Like you can you can text your mom and like FaceTime her and stuff. You can't do that as an ape. No,

because you live with your mom. Also your mother probably die really young because they're apes. They don't live very long. See, be orphaned. Also, you don't get anesthesia when you have a baby. No fucking C-sections. That's true.

No. No. Fuck that. Yeah, fuck that. You can't pump. Like, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, there's no formula.

You know, you've got to do it one way. Do or die. Do or fucking die. Yeah. Yeah. No. There's no, there's no, there's no sleep training for the apes. She feels quite strongly about this.

As it transpires. I think I do, yeah. I've got a new game for us just before we go. Okay. It's going to blow your mind. It's not to play in real time. It's an actual game. Okay.

You know, we got into Geogessor. Yeah. This is a public service announcement. I'm just telling Alex, go via all of your guys's ears. So it's a game and I think it's called Time Travel, hang on. And it drops you, let me get the exact name,

it drops you, and it shows you a photo, basically. And you have to work out exactly where in the world it is and what year. Oh my God, that's really cool. And I'm so good at it. Like my mum and I were getting like Cuba, 1968. Oh my God, I'll be so bad at this. Like St. Louis in Mississippi or wherever.

it was Missouri, like in the year. I'm going to love that. It's so good. What's it called? Therewith, please call it. I played it extensively over the weekend and I thought Al's going to bloody love this. It's called time guesser.com. I'm there. It's so fun. I'm there.

So you're welcome, everybody. Love that. Anyway, you're welcome for another existential. Please head to our Instagram for the poll. Would you rather be an ape or a human? I'm genuinely intrigued by the results. I guess we'll see you all on Monday. Love you. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening. Should I delete that is part of the ACAST Created Network.