Should I Delete That? - Is It Just Me: Kinks and what-about-isms

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

In this week’s Is It Just Me? The girls dive into bellybuttons and Dolmio sauce as they cover cousins, kinks and what-about-isms…Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] & edited by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back for our Thursday episode of Is It Just Me? Hello, I was already halfway to make a point in my microphone cutouts, I'm just going to jump straight back in again to say that I look gross today because my hair looks gross and I'm, you know what? I haven't, is it just me of my own? As you know, I've already just told you this, but I'm going to say it again, I stopped washing my hair last year because everybody that has good hair on Instagram, I'm never washes their hair. Everybody that I know with really good hair. So I was like, I only wash it once a week. And I was like, I want to get on that train. So I made the most of my broken jaw. I made the most of COVID lockdown.

And I trained my hair to only be washed once a week, right? Yeah. Okay. It's been going pretty well. My hair's growing like five, six inches. It has changed the game in terms of like how much more free time I've got. It's so much healthier. Everything's going well.

But people are giving me so much shit for how rank my hair is. And I have no point other than to say, like, Alex of my mom are, like, actively begging me to wash my hair now. Really? Yeah, but it doesn't smell. It just doesn't look good. Like, it's not even that dirty. It just looks a bit rank. And I'm a bit aware of that.

I feel like when I get past a certain point, when I get past, like, the four-day mark, there is just absolutely nothing I can do to make it look nice. No, see, I can go up to three days, three days of when it looks absolutely revolting. yesterday was day three for me. Then living proof dry shampoo pulls you through and I can do to day six or seven and then I grant you it does start getting a bit fucking gross. So Alex was like so gutted because it was my mum's birthday on Friday and we were supposed to be going out to a fancy restaurant in London. That's before I spoke to you. And last week and it was supposed for going out for dinner and Alex was like yes, it's means you're going to wash your hair and then dinner got cancelled so I didn't. He was like absolutely heartbroken. And then when I came downstairs on

Saturday morning having washed it, everyone was like, oh my God, you look amazing. I was like, thanks so much. All I did was the bare fucking minimum. So on one side, it's really great because it means that all I have to do is wash my hair and I look stunning and everyone's like, wow, what have you done? But on the other hand, how gross do I look the rest of the time? Did I look that good when I wash my hair? Do you know what? I'm confused about hair washing because like every tricologist that I've spoken to has says wash it loads like wash it every day like that's going to get you the healthiest hair and healthiest scalp but then anecdotally I've heard from so many people who don't who rarely wash their hair and it's massively

improved their hair so I'm like what do I do I don't know what to do but I don't wash it often often just because I'm lazy and I I hate washing my hair and it's ridiculous because I've got I've got thin hair so it hardly takes me any time to even dry but I am just lazy and I just lazy I'm just lazy but if you look at photos of my hair I'm going to find the before and after share out the podcast to Instagram because my hair has grown like four times as much as what it was before like it's so long now comparatively to where it was and that's all down to not washing it so like it does work it be a hundred percent hundred percent and I can get away like okay it doesn't look does it look dirty to tell me honestly does it look dirty today

No, I don't, well, I mean, you're on Zoom, but it doesn't look dirty. Did it look dirty yesterday? Well, the only way I know if, to me, hair looking dirty is greasy. It's interesting, isn't it? Yeah, that's how I determine whether hair is dirty or not. I love it, though. I'm enjoying not washing my hair. I don't think I have a specific, is it just me?

Except I'm happy with the life choice that I've made. I'm happy with this new way of life, but I'm not happy with how much my husband and my mother hate it. Do you know what? I want to do a call out to, any trichologists listening that have a definitive answer to this because I'm really intrigued to get to the bottom of it. I feel like there is currently no definitive answer and I want to get to the bottom of it.

So if there's anyone listening that will help us out, can you let us know? And then I can just decide on where to go from there, you know? But there is a girl on TikTok that I follow that I'm just fascinated by and she's got the most incredible mane of hair, like beautiful red hair and it's so thick. And she washes it once a month.

What's a month? And her whole, yeah, her whole TikTok account is how basically how she just washes her hair once a month. And like what she does in between. And it's just fascinating. It's so fascinating. I think we should, I think we should share the video on our Instagram because it is like, just like, gobsmacking. I could. Her hair just.

But I don't think anyone would want to talk to me. I mean, I don't think Alex would, I think it, I just think he'd be really upset with me. He just gets upset that I don't wash my hair. It's like, why are you doing this? But you know what? Like, as much as I hate washing my hair, I love having fresh new hair. Like, there is no feeling like it. And you're like, oh, I don't know.

It just feels all breezy and you feel like all shiny and new and, like, fresh. But I like to save that feeling. You feel it too often and it just, you know, what's the point? You know what? Who wants to live being that beautiful? Do you know what I mean? I just, I think, bring the bar down for yourself. And then like a little dressage horse, you can just jump over it whenever you need.

to. Do you know what I mean? Like standard bars low but one day if you fancy a big like woo I look fuck you know like but you know hello like a fancy dancing horse then that's what you do. You can just wash your hair every day. No no no you just wash your hair once a week. Okay. I think the trick in life is to look fucking gross 90% of the time and you just lower the bar for yourself so that on the last day on the seventh day whilst God you dog up and you just look fucking great everyone's delighted everyone's like wow she looks amazing you're like I know everyone's socks on thank you and all I had to do was wash my hair it's actually quite good logic it's great logic because otherwise what you're right do end up on

otherwise before you know it you've lit fillers you've fade tanning every day you always have to wear the best expensive dresses and you've to have the potox and it's a hard train to keep on you know what I mean like you you if if you're already beautiful person in order to remain incredibly beautiful in order to surprise people and make people wow you have to really make the effort whereas for me i just look like dog shit for six days a week and then all i have to do is wash my hair and then woohoo you know what i mean it's cheap it's easy it's full great i kind of want to apply that logic to like all areas of my life you know yeah like if work if i'm bad at work all the time apart from like 10% of the time when i just like blow everyone's socks off yeah yeah

Yeah, you get the, what's it, there's a thing called like, I think that works. Yeah, well, there's a thing though, like an abuse thing that's like weaponised incompetence or whatever. And I think a lot of men do it and probably a lot of women do it too, where you just like pretend to be a fucking moron so that no one asks you to do anything. Like, you know, we've all seen those people. It's like, oh, can you load the dishwasher? And you're like, oh, I don't know how to load the dishwasher.

And then they just do it really badly and then no one asks them to do it again. So. And actually, that is a tactic of like cults, isn't it? A manipulation tactic where, They use, like, they give you 10% of kindness and rationale. And that weirdly warps how then you see the rest of everything. That, like, anchors you, even though it shouldn't. And it's the same as, like, abuse, basically.

But it's like a weird manipulation tactic. It's like deliberate inconsistency, keep people on their toes. Yeah. So I do it with love, this hair washing stuff, this. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm not like Charlie Mansoming, Alex. I'm just trying to live my life. I need to stress that.

It feels like you are with the magnets. I'm not going to lie, but okay. Look, again, cults are popular for a reason. I'm just saying, just like cliches, there's got to be something in it. There's got to be something in it. In our interview next week, we recorded it yesterday and I ended it on literally one of the biggest cliches.

And as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was like, why am I saying this? She's going to dine off this forever Is it just me that loves a cliche There, no it's not I fucking love it I just love it I do like a cliche

I do like a cliche Especially like the ones about like You can't go around it You've got to go through it Time doesn't heal all wounds But time definitely helps heal wounds I like that I don't like those two

Actually those are two of my least favorite cliches I think Seriously Yeah because I don't think time heals wounds And I don't think you can definitely go around things. I can think of so many obstacles in my life that I don't go through, I just go around. Healthy. Yeah, 100%. I'm like, oh, I don't know, let's identify a problem. It won't take me long. Hang on. Like, yeah, I'll tell you what it is. The living room, full of shit, absolutely full of shit. I could work through that or I could just go around the room.

Let's not go into it. It's going great. It's going fine. Yeah. Sounds like it's going really well. Yeah, yeah, no, it is. It absolutely is. I'm really happy. I'm upstairs. Um, yeah, so I don't think those are the best cliches I can think of, but I am proud of you. I'm proud of you for trying. Um, do you, sure we hear from somebody else because I just feel like we're just talking shit. We are talking shit, but the time one, I do have to put my foot down on that one, right? Because agreed, like time itself doesn't actually heal anything. But knowing that, like, how I'm feeling now, I'm not going to feel like this forever. As like, time passes,

I'm going to feel better. I like that. Like, that, like, that, that offers me some kind of comfort when I'm not feeling great. Do you know what I mean? And then things like with a breakup, when like that is the most painful thing ever, but time really does, like the passing of time is very powerful in helping ease your feelings. So I like that. I just feel like if my head got bitten off, time wouldn't heal that. Well, no. Time won't. Yeah. So it doesn't heal all wounds. Maybe they should change the clip to like time heal some wounds. Time can help to heal some wounds. Time can help to heal some. some wounds. There you go. We've updated it. It's 2020's version. Sometimes time can help to heal

some wounds, but not all. Thanks. Okay. Um, okay, messages from the group, from the gang. Go on. Hit me. Hello, lovelies. I recently discovered your podcast and I love it. Keep up the episodes and make me a week. Twice a week. Yay. Um, okay, I wanted if I could ask for your advice around my current dating situation. I am back on the dating scene after breaking up with my boyfriend, but I'm not sure how to approach the situation I'm now in. I developed a new kink fetish with my ex that I now want to introduce into my dating life, but I'm not sure how to approach it with potential partners. I'm a bit worried as to how they will react because it's a little strange. It's all about belly buttons. I used to have a weird phobia with belly buttons and mine being touched, but my ex had a fetish for them.

I got some advice during that relationship and slowly and gradually actually went with it, surprisingly it ended up with me manifesting that kink fetish too so now this is part of my dating requirements if you like I'm worried what people will think though because I know people can find belly button strange as I did I'm also picky that they would have to have an iny belly button I don't know how to go about it is this something you might be able to discuss and advise on I'd be interested if you've ever heard or come across anything like this before I'd appreciate it so much but not to worry if you can't I would also like to remain anonymous hate you both well oh god every time someone says

I want to be anonymous. My inclination is to carry on reading just being like, oh, lots of love, thanks, bye, from Martin. Thanks, Alex, yeah, at gmail.com. Because I feel like the etiquette isn't in like, you can't be like first date and then just lift up your shirt. I tell you what you could do. When you get to a date, you could go, oh, could you just grab that? You could take them to the supermarket and be like, oh, could you just grab the dormio off the top shelf please and hope that their belly button, the t-shirt rides up and their belly button pop.

So if it's an out of you, you can be like, see ya. Just remembered. I hate Dormio, I'm going. I actually hate Dormio. What? If it's that important to you, I think there are ways to, like, get out of the partner on the person on the first date as to what they've got, right? There are ways and means that you can bring up belly buttons and, like, what do you have without it being, like, what kind of belly button do you have? Oh, what have you got?

An iny. Yeah, same. I don't really know anybody with an hour. It's just something that I never think about, I suppose. I had mine pierced for like 10 years there. So I took it out last year because I was like, I think I'm done, which was a really weird day. I still got my little hole, obviously. But it was really weird seeing into my belly button.

It was like looking into the abyss. It was like looking to a black hole after like a very long time. But we haven't helped this person. But we haven't helped this person. I don't really know how to help this person. Like this is not, I feel like I'm not well versed in. If someone, if you met like Dave for the first time and you went up for dinner and he was like, so, like, I have this kink. Like, what do you think? That rhymes. Hey, I'm Dave. I have a king. What do you think? What do you think? Yeah. What do you think? Anyway, yeah, what would you, like? If you want me to be really honest, and I know that this probably isn't the right answer, but it would put me off. Like, it would freak me out and I wouldn't like it. Would it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to look at the sounds out with. I don't think it'd bother me too much.

Yeah. No, I wouldn't like it. If he was like on the first date, I've got this kink. Do you, like, will you be into it or not? I'd be like, no, I'm out. I think this is a weird thing because I don't think it's necessarily the kink that's the problem. I think it's like the bringing up of sex on the first day. Like, because I don't know if I'd be about that.

I'm like, or maybe this is a conversation for like the date two. I don't know. It's really hard to answer this because I am, and I don't want to like kink shame. obviously but like being honest like for me i if someone said to me like do you like this or not like it's a it's a it's kind of a deal breaker i'd be like but would you try it like i'm i'm into this i'd be like okay let's give it a go i mean the only thing i'd be worried about is if someone tried to fit their willie at my belly button because it just wouldn't fit but well well like i mean i i'm kind of wondering like what is a belly button can i google it yeah maybe tongues

okay so there's nothing crazy it's like no but most kinks aren't you know what I mean they get a really bad rep but like I think people do kink shame yeah including you actually people kink shame all the time yeah I probably do yeah because I remember watching a show about kinks and it was like a guy who was really into latex and he wore this big latex suit in the woods by himself

and then the guy doing the narration was like um if you see like john or if you see a man walking through like a, like a forest late at night in a latex suit, don't be alarmed. I was like, okay, okay. But like, I don't know. Yeah, but that's just not for me. I think I would struggle with latex on a practical level just because I'm quite lazy and by bedtime I'm quite tired as it is and the idea of having to wrestle myself

into like a huge condom sounds exhausting. But like, again, I'm just like, get it, girl. And also, like, it doesn't, it's not that big a deal. Like, I don't think many men would mind that much, to be honest. I don't know if you're dating men, actually. I need to check the thing. Hang on, let me see. And she's, I mean, that's, that's her thing.

And she's got to do what's right for her. Like, yeah, you do you. It's just, it's not, it's not for me. I don't actually think they specified whether they're dating men or women. So, but I don't, I think, I think, and you know what? I think most people would either be like, yeah, it's fine. It depends. If you were out with Al, she'd be like,

no and if you were out with me I'd be like okay so I think it just depends on the person but I do think it's best but I wouldn't bring it up on a first day I don't think no I guess my where I'm struggling to understand not understand

but yeah maybe relate is the whole the fact that it's a deal breaker because I get that it's something that you like doing and like it's a fetish like whatever but then the fact that it's a deal breaker I guess there when I'm a bit like oh I don't know, that's quite tricky.

But maybe you can't lock it until you've tried it. Like, it's not like she's saying like, okay, look, I can only shang you if you've a bag on your head. Because like that I might take a bit personally. But like, you know, I think there's some things, fine. Like, or at least worth a try. And if you hate it, you know, healthy communication is key.

Because if you hate it, you can be like, oh, no, backing out. I'm not doing this. I wonder why an outy, not an in-it. Well, I guess because you can't like... She needs an in-and-outy. Like in and outy, can you? No, yeah, exactly. It's already out.

You can't. Yeah. I don't know. I find belly buttons absolutely fascinating. Like, I think they're very humbly. Yeah. I just think. They're weird.

Because I just look at that and I'm like, that's what I've come from. That was the portal that gave me life. Oh my God. Do you know what I looked into, that reminded me, I looked into belly button surgery like years ago when I was. because I don't know, like I just, I didn't like mine. I mean, there's literally nothing wrong with it. It's just like a normal, in the belly button.

But for some reason I didn't like it. Like, I thought it was too wide. Like, oh, that's what it was. I wanted it to, like, stretch vertically. I was a weird place, man. But I really, I really looked into it, like, heavily looked into it. I'm so glad I didn't do it. Jesus.

Like, my belly button is totally fine. But, like, you know how we normally see, like, women with, like, the stretched vertical one and mine wasn't like that so I was like Oh is yours like sort of longer and thinner

because I think that's just what happens if you just have more fat on your tummy because it just goes because it's just the way it works if you're very like

long and thin it goes and if you're because it's more wider it goes dunk and I think I've got a donker but then when I stand up and do a big stretch

top aisle of the of Sainsbury's for example reaching for the dormio yeah exactly it's looking more like a like a teepee rather than...

Oh, I don't know. To this goal, we've been very unhelpful. I would say, look, if it's important to you, bring it up. Probably not on the first date. But I think when it's getting closer towards, like, I mean, if you want to have sex in the first date, then obviously, like, bring it up. But if you're kind of taking things slowly and you're dating around, I probably wouldn't be like, first things first, hi, nice to meet you.

What are you working with down there? Because it's a kind of all or nothing for me. I'd wait a couple of dates and maybe when things were leading towards sex I would be like yeah right

now you have to show me yeah in your outy yeah but like what if this is a wonderful a really wonderful person that she could actually see herself having a future with

but he or she has an outy like that like I struggle to believe that that could be a deal breaker look at people how people talk about height Like how many women are like I'm not going to date a man that's below six foot And it's like that could be the love of your fucking life

At 5 foot 11 Yeah Unbelievable Yeah totally Like people do it all the time So I don't know Like I don't think there's much of a difference Between like a belly button

And the height or like You know people like what they're like Also maybe she'd make an exception If she found somebody really great But I don't know Especially for women who only will only date to all men and often you hear that they end up like falling for someone who's a lot shorter and they're like oh it just happened like it just happened yeah so yeah basically i've

absolutely fluffed this because i don't even know i actually don't even know what the question was i just went on a tundit how do you bring up a kink to sort of how do you bring it up okay i have no idea i'm so sorry this is not my not my area at all i'm so sorry yeah i think just broach it as just toward when when things are heating up I'd just say look just so you know um this is something that I'm kind of into I can explain it to you like it's this is why I like it and I think just make it and I think this applies to like all kinks because I think they get a really hard rep and people think that everything's like dodgy or sordid or seed seed seed seed which it isn't at all but I think like the the first step is healthy communication um and

And if they're not into it initially, maybe just see how they react to the conversation. Because if they're going to be, like, kind of shitty and, like, shaming you or whatever, just be like, well, you're not the right person, you and your outy belly button, you can get fucked. So, I don't know, just get chatting. What she said. Thanks, Al. So inspiring. Okay, what's up? So, I have an email.

Hi, you love your lady. He's got to say, love the podcast. Thank you. Has anyone ever told you that? Not enough is my answer. Not enough. I haven't, is it just me that I feel like such a bad person having? But anyway, I've got to ask. Is it just me that feels sad when their only siblings says they never want kids and will be just the fun uncle or aunt?

I feel guilty for saying this because I know, of course, it's their choice and they have to choose what's best for them. But I genuinely get sad at the thought of my kids missing out on having that amazing cousin relationship that we have had growing up. And I just don't think that bond could really be substituted by a fun uncle slash auntie. of my best memories have been because of our big extended family and I hate to say but it hurts my heart that my kids won't have that. I know that this is a selfish view and a much wider and bigger topic but can I just ask is it just me that is in this situation? Thank you both. My sister often says and I don't know if she'll change her mind she's kind of not massively enamoured of kids and sometimes I'm like you better change your mind which I know you're not supposed to think I don't really say it

but I just think it to myself I'm like you I can't wait for you to come around because I kind of hope that she doesn't mean it. So I get that. And I don't know, because I know there's another side of me that has to respect people being child free by choice and I absolutely do. And I totally, totally do.

And if that's what she feels, then I completely respect and love that. But exactly like you, for selfish reasons, I'm like, bitch, you better, you better appropriate. And I think it's so fine for her to be,

for this girl to be sad about that. Like, she can totally be sad about that. Because like both, you know, yeah, it's absolutely fine. And look, the child, like there are options like the child can have uh siblings i don't know if you're planning on having any more children but like siblings and you know i've got i've got like loads of sisters and i do have cousins but we live really far away and like me and my sisters are like the closest things ever so you know

there are other networks for your child you know to have you know to have a family but i totally understand being sad by it especially if that's what you know and what you've grown up with like because I think I would love to have loads of kids but I know that it won't happen and I know it won't that that's not what is going to happen for us and sometimes like that does make me feel sad because that's what I've that's what I've known is like growing up with four sisters and then being five of us and they're just being tons of of people around me all the time so part of me feels like oh my God but that is so sad but then I just think like yeah you just you you live and adapt and like humans are great adapting and the child will be like

loved and have a great, hopefully great friendship race and maybe some siblings. But you're fine to feel sad about it as well. You don't, like, as long as you don't sort of project that sadness onto the person who doesn't want the kids, because I think you have to just respect their decision and, like, let them do what they want. But yeah, you can be sad about it for sure. It's such a funny thing, isn't it? Because I know this in my heart, but when somebody says, like, I don't want kids,

like, I have to respect their decision that they don't want. want kids but then I think there's still this like weird societal thing where you think oh they'll change their mind or like I hope they change their mind or like and it's really weird isn't it like yeah the expectation that we put on other people and I don't know why I don't know if it's because we want everybody to do like we do or we think always best or like because I just believe you know some people want kids more than anything some people want kids a lot like I think there are different levels like I've got friends that are like I was put on this earth to be a mother and that's my ambition and I've got some

people who are like yeah we'll have a family and that will be great and I do think they're very different camps and then there are some people who are just like I don't fucking know I don't think so and then some people are like resolutely not and I think it's really hard to put yourself in the position of another camp because you you spend your whole life envisaging what you think your life's going to look like and what you think your life should look like so the idea that somebody else's life is going to look different you're going to be like the fuck like I don't understand it and I think in our like quest to understand we often end up being really insulting

or like pushing because we're just like are you sure like maybe you're going to change your mind or whatever or whatever and actually people if people did that to people who wanted kids it would be like you can't do that like if I said to you are like oh I really want to have a baby and you were like are you sure

like are you really sure because you know like it won't be blah I'd be like suck a dick but for some reason when people say like oh I want I don't want to have a kid everyone's like well are you sure because you might change your mind and blah blah blah blah and it's really weird that we do it that way around and it's like we're just holding women to the standard that they have to do this thing for whatever we and even you know like obviously this that's not actually what this girl's saying because i get it from

like a familial standpoint like a complete and with your friends and stuff but it's like i don't know i find how we are about people who don't want kids so weird it is so it is so weird isn't it It is so weird. And the fact that people who are child free by choice have to consistently and continuously say, like, we're not having kids and we're okay to not have kids. And, like, sort of they have to justify their reasons because of all the backlash they get about. I don't think backlash is necessarily the word. I'm trying to think of the right word. But I guess the inquisition around it. Like, people are just intrigued about it. And yeah, I think a lot of people hold the belief of like one day they'll change their mind or like their sister will have a baby or

I don't know their friend will have a baby and then or like something will click will you know just click in them and then they want a baby and yeah it's it I think it's it's funny how hard we find it to accept the people some people just don't want children so off the back of this I was actually I said I said on Instagram earlier this week oh I just had this most amazing sleep like for seven hours, like through all the way through. And I said, like, oh, you know, sorry for bragging to any of, like, the mum's out there. And I guess I said it because, like, my sisters recently had a baby. I know about the sleeplessness. And it was kind of at the forefront of my mind to be like, oh, my God, it would just be, I know I didn't owe it to anyone,

but I was just like, oh, it would be painful if I was so sleep deprived and then seeing that, you'd be like, oh. And I got this slightly disgruntled DM of someone saying, like, why do we feel like we have to, we have to apologize to parents for not being tired or for sleeping because being a parent and having a child is a choice. And I, I screenshoted this DM and said, what do you think about it and left a question box. And oh my God, I don't think I've ever had a subject as replied to before in the entire time I've been on Instagram. My DMs are completely, they're in absolute chaos and it's a very emotive, emotive subject. But people feel very strongly. And I think it's sad that actually it ends up becoming a bit of a competition. And the two are

pitted against each other of like people who have women who have children, women who don't have children. And both feel, the general feeling is that both feel hard done by. Okay, I don't know why I've never felt particularly strongly either way. Like, I think the way that society treats mothers is absolutely rank. And I think I have, like, my own confusion about people that don't want kids, but I always challenge that because I think it's just coming from this, like, patriarchal belief that I've grown up with and, like, my own expectations for my own life. And I'm one of those people that's just quite judgmental, like,

and I've really had to work on this with, like, coaching. because I have such high standards for myself that I very often put the same standards on other people and it actually was a disaster in my friendships because like my expectations of my friends would be so high because I thought I held everyone to my standards and then it was like my friends were all taking this invisible test and they didn't realize and they were failing it and then I was anchor with them even though it was never their fault because they didn't do anything wrong it was always on me which is a side note but it was kind of relevant to this because I always felt like my way was kind of the good way to do it and if anybody else did it it was like not so good do you know what I mean and I think within that if people did things that I

didn't do I'd be like I don't understand like this doesn't whatever anyway so I've really worked on that but I don't think I ever had it for mums particularly because I'm always kind of aware of the infertility conversation I suppose and that's been a part of like my upbringing I've just been very around it so I was like well I don't know but as I get older and as we come to this age I'm like what the fucking shit is wrong with people this is why men are thriving in business and everywhere because women are just so busy. We get to this point where we're so successful. You know, this is where we're kind of doing our best, our work,

and we need our most support. Mums need most support and not mums need, but mostly moms, sorry, women with kids need a lot of support at this point. Like, if you're like 30 years old or 35 years old or whatever it is, when you've got to a point in your career where you're doing so well, and you do have to make sacrifices. Like you just do, you sacrifice your body, you sacrifice your work, you sacrifice so much to do this

and I don't understand why then the people who have chosen not to have kids that oh well it's a choice or whatever I don't understand why we're not all rallying around because I do think we have a responsibility to our sisters and our friends and the women around us to support them at a really difficult time

and I find it really weird how it does end up with this weird camp because I get that like some moms might be sanctimonious and like I was saying before and like oh well you don't know love until you've had a baby and like please I've seen that I've experienced that so much even in my life, like, just having a dog,

the amount of people that, like, I literally always say it's a boo. It's like, I walk around the park and I see mums looking at me and I'm like, I get it, you've had a miracle and I have a dog. But like, you know, we were all like, anyway. So I get that some women who are choosing not to have children can feel a bit judged by mums, but I still land on the side of like,

I just think women need so much support at this point in their lives. And it really upsets me then that they get so attacked because, like, we can't get away from the fact the moms do like they get judged for fucking everything like you go back to work too soon you don't go back to work like you you get a nanny you do it all yourself like whatever it is like you get judged for it and you breastfeed you don't breastfeed you snap back you don't snap back you're judge you judge you judge and then you've just got this added thing of like people without children getting kind of shitty with moms and it's like like they we if we want flexi working

if we want maternity leave to and men to take a suit and we need to be on each other's side because it's like we already have to fight so much for like the rights of mums in the workplace that it feels then just really gutting that they kind of get gone for by other women as well and I'm not saying they don't deserve it because I know some moms can be an absolute they can be awful to women without children

I do know that but I still on balance think like just sometimes showing a bit of empathy and support for a new mum it goes a long way just a bit of compassion it literally costs it costs us nothing does it you know And a lot of people are like, well, what about me, I've got a chronic illness? Or what about me, I, you know, like, are the reasons that people are sleepless, you know, or tired or sleep deprived?

I was like, I know, but everything I say cannot come with a million disclaimers and this is the, and we can't live our lives like that. At some point, we have to be able to just talk freely without the, but what about, but what about, but what about. what aboutism, exactly. And I just think it's just a little bit of compassion and like people just, yeah, like I just, I didn't really understand the offence that was taken to that. It was like, if you don't want to have compassion for people who, for women who have had babies, that's fine, but other people are allowed to. Like, it's okay. Oh, it's a choice. It's a choice. Like, you made this choice. Yeah, so this is a big thing as well. And it's like, okay, a few things with, my mum always says, right, when you're hung over, like, my mum giving

you so much love will give me so much love when I'm hung over because she's like darling it doesn't matter how you got ill the fact is is that you're ill now and you need help like right and that's that you there are so many situations where I think you said it on your Instagram that where it's like you know you don't if somebody breaks their legs skiing you wouldn't be like push them out the way on the tube and be like oh well you chose to ski ha ha ha ha like it's really weird this like okay yeah you make the choice but also like we make choices all the time like you choose to live in a house and it's like if I don't know it starts leaking it's not your fault or like you choose to do a job if you someday find it really hard it doesn't mean that it's your fault or like you don't

deserve compassion and also look some people do choose babies and some people regret that decision and that's a fact but also some people make some people make the wrong choice but some people some people are forced into that decision some people think the alternative is too terrible you know like we don't know everybody's situation and some people do just choose it and you can choose something and still have a fucking just a terrible time. Like, the amount of choices I've made in my life, like, I don't know, sometimes

I'll choose a pudding. And I start, this is a fucking disgusting pudding, but I've chosen it now and I'll pay for it. And a baby's just like a massive pudding that you have to eat for 18 years. And it's a whole it's the reason that we're here. Like, we were born out of a choice. That's the reason that we exist. Surely, if someone's

struggling because they've made the wrong choice and they need even more love. Like, bless you, you've made this choice. And it's not worked out as you thought and you're struggling with the decision that you've made. How terrible for you, can I give you a hug? That's the way we should be going. Imagine seeing someone being sad, being like,

ha-ha, if you're thought, you're sad, now fuck you. Because that's kind of what it feels like. It's just, it does feel, it feels a bit cruel. It does feel a bit cruel. Or, okay, maybe not cruel, but at least lacking in compassion, definitely, and empathy. But then some months are awful. Like, the amount of times I've been barged onto the road

buy a woman with a double breasted baggie with loads of drugs with a buggy um so it's really hard but it's just like I just I just wish everyone could be a bit nice so I don't understand why we've landed you know and also like I got a lot of DMs from mum saying yeah but it's true like no one will ever know tiredness until they become a mum and then that as well I'm like properly in 30 years yeah but no but also on that it's like but that's not true and you don't know that that's true like that might be your experience but also like it's true like some people she talks about it all the time yeah actually it's my it's my mom's experience too but like that is that is so individual and some people yeah you just you just can't i just don't think you can say that you can say it for yourself like oh god

i didn't know tiredness until i became a mum but you can't say you can't just i just don't think you can yeah i don't well i don't think moms can have the monopoly on tiredness like no they can't And there isn't a finite amount of tiredness either, you know. There's like, there's a lot of tiredness in the world, and not all of that tiredness is induced by being a parent. So I think, I think compassion goes always, you know, and also, yeah. I feel like I've been mean to the anti-moms now, and I feel like I wasn't mean enough to moms.

I feel like I should have balanced the scales. But I actually just think a lot of it comes down to the kind of person you are, rather than whether you're a mum or not a mum. And I think it's like how understanding you are of other people's situations and how much empathy you have. In my eyes, that is what it comes down to. But also you obviously can't, as a non-mom, like I will never have the experience until I am a mum, hopefully.

I will never have the experience of being a mum. So I guess it's like having that compassion, but also knowing that you just, at the end of the day, you just don't know because you can't, you know, have that experience. so yeah it's really weird it's really personal but i just i feel like everybody thinks they know best for other people and that's what stresses me out the most totally and it's just oh my god this this topic is so complex and so emotive like i've i just i massively regretted saying

ever saying anything but i don't understand this is what i don't understand because i i am of an age where this is relevant you are of an age where this is relevant i i mean like i will roll my eyes sometimes in a park or whatever if I am like barged off the path by a buggy but if I sit with that feeling I'm like to be fair you have a buggy and I don't like so instinctively I get annoyed because that's my instincts to be like oh well why do you think you're more important than me and I'm like well to be fair actually I can like do this and so but I also think a massive thing is like society we just don't like mums we're not nice about mums like the connotations of being a mum, like the way that a woman's identity changes. And I just think

we're kind of conditioned to not really respect mums that much. And I think that's where like a lot of this comes from. Okay. So, so I've got a good one for you, actually, a DM that I screenshoted, right? So when I initially screenshoted to the DM that said, why do we have to, you know, being a mother, being a parent is a choice. Why do we have to apologize, feel like we have to apologize to mums? Someone replied and said, completely agree. I was just on a long haul flight and I had paid for a window seat. A mum with a young child asked if we could swap so she could sleep better and she got annoyed with me when I said no I felt bad saying no but I think I deserve to sleep as well even though I'm not a mother what do you and I screenshotted that because

I was like that is very very interesting no it's her seat she shouldn't have to move and I totally agree with you she paid for her seat she shouldn't have to move but I I'm scared of putting that on Instagram and saying what do you guys think because I think that will also get a lot of you know. Yeah, I think, because Alex, what did Alex, Alex did this other day? Because when I was flying home from the Seychelles, I thought I had cystitis. So I was in the window seat and Al was like, well, why don't I ask you man like if he wants to go in? Like, because he was the guy next to us was on the aisle. And he was like, well, why don't I just ask him to swap. And I'm like, oh God, no, don't blah, blah, blah, blah, because I'm so awkward. And Alex is like, the worst you can do is say no. And like, and Alex is so

simple like that he wouldn't read into it so maybe that mom was just like I'm just gonna ask like the worst anybody can do is say no and I think we put a lot of the like how dare she blah blah blah blah on to someone else when actually like they were just asking like it's not that deep um so I don't know like in the end I didn't ask him because this guy had quite long legs and I was like I just don't even and I don't want to have to tell a stranger that I'm on my way home for my honeymoon with cystitis because that's a bit of a fucking cliche turns like it wasn't cystitis I said one painful we anyway but um but um yeah um but yeah you're right i think they can ask but i i think she was well within her right to say no if you've purposely paid for a window seat then you take your

window seat like i do feel sorry for mums on flights as i've got older i used to be like who brings a who brings a baby on a flight and then i'm like actually you and that's fine do you know what i mean like it's not like a no baby zone everyone can take you know like i don't know i got i get annoyed and I see people being annoyed with mums on flights because I'm like, this is so unfair. Like, what is she meant to do? You're not so unfair. That is so unfair.

I always try and, like, give a smile. I'd be like, you're doing great. Yeah. I mean, because I feel... Babies once. Like, do you know what I mean? And a lot of the time, I feel so bad for them because they look mortified.

They're not like, I'm so sorry. Like, I'm so sorry. This is happening. It's like, oh my God, it's a baby. You can't control it at the end of the day. Like, babies are going to be babies. Like, you're fine. Yeah.

So, yeah, anyway, we probably need. to wrap this up because we've been recording for a lot longer than we are supposed to. Yeah, this is normally supposed to be the fun, chill episode and it hasn't been, but I really want to do more on this conversation. Oh my God, I literally said, like, I regretted bringing it up on Instagram and now we've brought it up on the podcast and God knows what our emails and DMs are going to be like, I am not prepared, I am not ready. Please. I think we're stressed we say it all with love. Like, we both hope to be mums one day. So, you know, this isn't like stirring shade at mums, but also I respect child-free people like crazy. Um, and if you want to

that choice and spend your money on yourself then fucking crack on but i just think moms don't mom moms can't tell child free people but they're better and more important because they've birthed the child and people who haven't got children can't tell moms this shit because we're just live and let live do you use her own live and let live there you go because what you've got a man a child free a child free man by choice and it's just like what a bachelor like it's just ridiculous the language that we use for women and the way we just go for each other. Like, you can't imagine, like, fucking Alex sitting in the pub with Dave, like, just silently judging each other because one of them's decided, like, to have a child.

Like, it just wouldn't happen at all. Like, imagine. Ridiculous. So, yeah. It's just even ridiculous to think about it. Yeah, like, Alex walking into the pub just being like, oh, I'm so tired. And Dave's like, you, you actually can't really say you're tired because probably like it. It's just, like, yeah, I just, yeah, we're just too used to going for each other as women. But anyway, anyway. Yeah. Live and let live. I love it. We'll end on that. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you've got any thoughts on this, please send us an email or thoughts on anything or an embarrassing story or anything. Email us at should I delete that pod at gmail.com or send us a DM to the should I delete that Instagram account.

And yeah, thank you so much for being with us. And big thanks to ACAST. We are part of their creator network. And we will see you guys on Monday. See you on Monday. Love you bye. Bye. Thank you.