Should I Delete That? - Is It Just Me: Put your bum away

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

On this week's IIJM, the girls discuss people pleasing, falling out of love and watering your grass...Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back. Should I delete that? It was like debating doing something stupid, but it always flops whenever I do. So hello, I'm welcome by, I should delete that? Such a tragic, like, summation of your life. It really is. It always flops whenever I do. So hello, welcome. I should I delete that? I just have a DM from a man that doesn't follow me. Okay. That's always a good thing. In reply to a podcast place going, I listened to it last night. That's the message. Cool.

Cool. Thanks. Doesn't follow you? No. No. Great. I just don't understand how people use the internet. Badly. There is something from the internet that I want to bring up. A meme that I am personally attacked by and I think you will be too, right?

If it's about my hair, I don't want to hear it. No. Okay. Air quotes, I'm a people pleaser. is officially the new I'm an empath the worst person you've ever met

thinks there are people pleaser never pleased a person in their life hundreds of thousands of likes many of richer people I follow and I say this all the fucking time I'm a people pleaser I'm a people pleaser now can't say that

because you fucking can you just won't please these hundreds of thousands of people in the process right I want names I want names who's liked it Who's liked it that I know? Who do I have to displease going forward? I'm not even kidding.

Tell me. Well, this is a screenshot, so I can't, I don't know, I can't remember. Okay, read it to me again. Let me just, let me just take this on board. Okay. I'm a people pleaser. It's officially the new I'm an empath. Okay.

The worst person you've ever met thinks they're a people pleaser. Never pleased a person in their life. Right. So I've literally met people who've gone to prison. So I don't think I am the worst person that I've ever met. Nor are you out. I've met way worse people than you. And the people that I know that are worse than you

have never called themselves people pleases in their lives. I like, what's wrong with saying that? I don't know. You know what? Fuck that person. Fuck that person. Does that feel big and scary to say? No, it feels good.

Fuck off. Yeah, good for you. Fuck you. You know what, actually. What? This annoys me because we finally have the language to deal with all of our shit now. Yep.

And if we want to call it, ourselves empaths or people pleases or god forbid get some fucking self-awareness then all power to us it's always the least self-aware people i'm actually really i get really annoyed when i see like some of the nastiest people that i know or like not nastiest but just with the nastiest streaks putting up these things being like i'm saying what and i'm like close your eyes i know i do i do i do dislike that actually yeah because it just shits on a whole cohort of people yeah and it's like You always see it on like, I don't know, the Kardashians posts or influence, or like, people just commented being like, I'm so sick of seeing this. I'm like, that's on you.

Like, I don't like watching loads of stuff. I don't know. I don't like watching Gladiator. So I don't watch it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And it just makes you feel really self-conscious. It makes you self-monitor everything you're saying.

Because you can't ever win because everyone's sick of everything. Yeah. And everything's too much. and we're all in our... But I just think if you're sick of something, if you're sick of hearing about it, then move yourself. Yeah.

Like move yourself to another vicinity. Like, that's why I always feel really embarrassed for people when they troll people. I'm like, oh my God, how embarrassing for you that you found yourself in a space that you're so unhappy with and you don't know how to leave? So you're just stuck here feeling miserable.

Like, how embarrassing for you? That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. The same with this person. I'm like, oh no, how... Like, you don't know how to regulate the... you feel uncomfortable with people's self-awareness see if you have to shit on them,

put your bum away. Do you know what I mean? Put your trousers up. Oh my God. It's so true. Fuck you. Yeah. Walk away.

So, okay, because I was thinking, oh my God, like, are we allowed to say that we're highly sensitive people? Is that a bad thing as well? Al, you can say whatever you want. Because I think we can all agree I'm a highly sensitive person. A hundred percent.

But like, maybe that's in the same vein, I don't know. But I also think a lot of people who people please, a lot of people pleasing stuff is actually like it's a trauma response and it's people do it because they have had high pressure environments in their lives or they've had high stress situations or whatever it is and it's like who are we to just sit there and be like or is anyone to be like oh I'm so sick of hearing about and to put boundaries in place you have to first recognize that you're a people pleaser yeah and that you're doing things to please other people and not yourself you have to recognize and identify that first yeah so if you can't then

you're not, this person doesn't support growth. No, no. And neither do those hundreds of people who like that post. You do not support personal development and growth and fuck you. Yeah, well, it's easier to shit on people than to, it's easier to pull people down than it is to push them up. So, yeah. So from two chronic people pleases, we would kindly like to say, if you don't mind, fuck you very much. But please and thanks.

Sorry, I hope that hasn't met your feelings. But also, I don't know, I just hate, we've talked about this before, I just don't like this bit of the internet while we're just a bit like, we'll just put shit on each other. I'm saying, oh, who cares? Like when someone comments saying, who cares? I'm like, oh my God, you cared enough to comment? You cared enough to comment?

It's so tragic. But do you know what? Like, I, sometimes I bite back if I'm just feeling sassy with like a reel that's gone viral and like there's men, it's always men being like, who cares? Oh my God, you're just attention seeking. or, and so I reply and I'd be like, thank you so much for giving it to me. Or you just gave me the attention. But also, what is the comment for if not attention?

Right. When people go, oh, your attention seeking and I'm like, and this comment was, what? If not seeking attention. Would you say it if you were in a part by yourself? Would you say that? No. You want somebody to reply to you. But they get so defensive then when you reply.

I'm like, well, thank you for giving me the attention that I see. seek. And then they're like, no, I just, it just came up on my page and I just, I was swirling. Yeah, I didn't go looking for it. And it just commented. That's all. It's only that comment. I'm like, well, you've commented again. So thank you again. I make money from this engagement. You absolutely threaten. People don't have very, you all very good boundaries. I don't really fired up. Is it too much? Sorry. No, I like it. Let's fire her up about something else. I don't know. It says something else that's going to trigger her. Daisy, quick,

trigger her. The wind. Have you heard the Cat Burns song, People Pleaseer? No. She's written the whole song about it. It's great. I listen to it quite a lot. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. She says, I hate confrontation. It makes me uncomfortable. And then the whole chorus is like, guess I'm what you call her, people, people, please. It's really good. Yeah, I listen to that. Yeah.

Is it a TikTok song or like a real song? I love Cat Burns on Saturday. I've never heard of her. Oh my God, she's so great. I love her so much. She's like 23 and she's just so cool. Can't relate. Cat Burns.

Cat Burns, C-A-T, like cat, like meow. If I meow, boo-a-box, it's really weird. If I go, meow, she gets, whir. Cute. I know, it's like Tom and Jerry, except like M and Boer. As I said that, I was like, that is tragic. Yeah. So, do you remember ages ago when we did autocorrect fails?

Yes. Possibly my favorite episodes we've ever done. We have a leftover one. that's popped in that I just have to read out to you. All right, hit me. I have an autocorrect fail. My stepmom is a terrible typer. She never proof

reads her texts. This girl doesn't proofreads her text either because she's put, she never proud reads her text. Sorry, I called you out. She never proof reads her text, so at best they are nonsense, but at worst they are really bad. My dad keeps chickens and ducks,

and he was really upset because one of the ducks was killed by a fox. He posted in the family WhatsApp group that one of the ducks was dead and my step-mom replied with oh she was such a lovely fuck oh my god obviously

auto-corrected from duck we were all trying to be sympathetic to my dad while also dying about the lovely fuck a lovely fuck as well oh god such a lovely fuck oh god sorry that must be the one time in the history of the universe when

duck has autocorrected to fuck it's always the other way around oh my god that's so good um i just want to validate you actually on something me buckle in okay so this girl has just listened to the episode with emma the embryologist okay love you guys and especially this episode came here to say i totally get why M thought discharge was the egg white. A common acronym in the trying to conceive groups is EWCM, which is egg white cervical mucus. Basically, just when your cervical mucus is the consistency of egg whites, but it's not actual egg white. The whole time I was listening on my way to work, I was shouting at the car radio. It's okay, M, you're not wrong. I know where you've got that from. Thank you very much. That actually is very vindicating. Yeah. Thank you. Yes. That does make

sense because I always thought... Sorry for laughing. Yeah. Well, yeah. All right, Viruchal over there. Furukal. No. No, I do not want that sticking. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Okay, we've heard and is it just me into the inbox. Okay. I've asked for a relationship help. Okay, okay. Hi to all the gang. I've got to start by saying I absolutely adore the podcast. I've been listening since the very first episode

and learning, laughing and sometimes crying with you guys. each week it's been an absolute joy even when crying. Thank you. I haven't is it just me for you. I have been struggling with this for a while and haven't felt able to open up to any of my friends or family, so I am emailing the pod instead. I have been with my boyfriend for four years. He is one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I have ever met. In every way, he is all I've ever wanted in a partner. My friends and family adore him and I have a great relationship with his friends and family. I know he would do anything for me. There is just one issue, so here goes. I don't think I am in love with him anymore and I don't know what to do.

I can't pinpoint when I started to feel this way I just remember how I used to feel and know that I don't feel that way anymore I think I've been trying to bury it for a while but eventually it came to a head about a month ago when he asked me what was wrong as he could tell something was up and it came out I told him I didn't want to take any drastic action

and I wanted to try and work through it I used to think we would be together forever with kids and marriage etc and our lives are now so tangled together the thought of trying to separate our relationship sends me into a panic. He is having a difficult time at work. I own the house and bought most of things in it and would likely keep our cat with the house. He's also telling me that I'm everything to him. So if we broke up, he would be left devastated and his life would be thrown completely

upside down. I'm 29 and this is my first serious relationships. I've got nothing to compare it to. Maybe this is just a phase. I don't know. All that I do know is that I can't stop thinking about it and it's eating me up from the inside. Any advice or thoughts would be hugely appreciated. Please keep me anonymous. Oh bless her bless her it could just be a phase this is hard

like I I think my opinion on this is informed by my own personal experience with a situation like this where I went through a few years of feeling like this I don't feel in love with this person

but I really love this person I love our life together we have such a good time together like his family is my family same like our lives are so entwined I can't see it. Not being there. Not being there.

And I was too scared to do anything. And same. I thought it's just a phase. It's just being together for a long time. Things will pick back up or, I don't know, like I'll change. Like maybe my hormones will change. I don't know.

I was in a bad place. And I don't, so it's obviously it's complicated. It's complicated. It's not the same because he ended up ending it because he was gay. So it's obviously completely. different. But I at the time really wished that I'd done something about it sooner. Yeah. Because I was like with perspective and taking a step back from it, I was like, wow, okay, yes, it was really hard to disentangle our lives and go from, I mean, we've been together for like 11 years,

so it was a really long time. Like, and a lot of my identity, I think, was wrapped up in this relationship. So it was really difficult. But it was so, so, so worth it. And I was like, I wish I'd done this sooner. Yeah. Like, because it was hard, but good, good for both of us. Yeah. But then, and I just, I feel like, I feel like you know if it's not a phase. I feel like you, you know, like, yes, I think we all go through phases, don't we,

with like, when Dave's pissing me off sometimes, or I'm a bit like, I don't know, I'm in a mood where, like, I don't want anyone to touch me or, you know, but I still know that I'm in love with him. Yeah. And I just, I feel, I feel like you know. I think it's the future. I think that's no matter where you're at in the present within your relationship

and I've been with Alex for ages. Like, don't know how long, ages. And I think like you can have moments in the present where it's like, like you say, just, I don't know, life gets in the way. Right. But it's the future, right? And every time I thought about my future with Alex, it was my future with Alex.

And the thought of a future with anybody else or with, not even with anybody else, without him in it was like the inconceivable bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it wasn't from an admin perspective. It was just from a like, no, this is genuinely. Yeah. But then I've also changed so much in the last decade.

So I don't think I can go back and say, yeah, every day of my life, I thought it was going to end up like this. I don't think that does happen. I don't think you do think maybe you kind of know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. because this is the complicated thing with my ex

like I also couldn't see my future without him yeah and we are lucky that I don't have to have my future like he's in my life yeah like very much in my life and that's difficult to do when it's when it's one-sided this feeling so it's fucking hard I think you need he needs to move out I think so and that doesn't mean that you're going to break up forever but it sounds to me in it like okay so he's living in your house

that you own and he's having a difficult time at work it feels like a lot of him you don't want to you don't want to put his world upside down and it sounds like you're keeping him there because he's begging you too and that is not going to be the foundations for fixing this if that's going to if if you are going to make it work and you realize you are right for each other it can't be you on the upper hand it can't be him begging you to keep him yeah because the respect the dynamic everything's off yeah it just ends up wonky with you both knowing that he loves you more. Yeah.

And that's not going to work. Agreed. So at least for now, I think you do need to have a trial separation. And then if you find your way back to each other, that's okay. Chloe Plumsted maybe would be a good person to follow online because she broke up with her boy.

She did it really publicly, but she broke up with her boyfriend. And then they ended up back together again. But she did a post. I saw recently about it a few months ago, basically saying like she needed that time to like live on her own and work out who she was and then they work their way back to each other.

I am so for that as well. I see loads of people talking about how trial separations are like a cowardly way to approach a breakup. Disagree. I don't, I fully, fully disagree. I think it's, I think time and space gives you perspective and like a better understanding of what you actually want and whether this relationship is right for you.

So do a trial separate. 100% yeah see how it goes and I do think it'll become quite clear to you yeah either way yeah and like you can't put your life on hold or sacrifice who you want to be for a person because never mind the fact that you can't make him happy it is not going to give you a happy life and the resentment will eat you up yeah like already you know already you know already you feel you've got all these big feelings inside and they aren't they will they've got to get out somehow yeah yeah yeah and if you don't take it out on him you'll start taking it out on yourself or on something else and it will just it's just going to become a nasty part of you and unfair on both of you yeah so yeah test the waters trial separation that feels like easy easy going and it doesn't feel too, you know, scary all at once. Yeah.

And I think things will become clearer. And you're not a bad person. Of course you're not. You can't help it. That's the thing. You just can't help it. No. God, I remember just being like desperate to fall back in love.

With my act just desperate being like, why can't I feel the way I felt when we first were together? Like, why am I looking at other relationships and feeling like jealous or feeling like I want something different? Yeah. I knew I wanted something different. but it's just so hard because we loved each other

and I didn't know he was feeling the same How old were you when you broke up? 29. Same age as she is now. Same age as she is now, yeah. Maybe that's the sign. Hey, maybe he's gay, that would help. That would help.

Maybe she's gay. That would also help. Yeah, if there's a concrete reason it does sort of help. It definitely helps. Yeah. I think it's allowed us to stay such good friends for so long.

You'd also, I think you'd have hidden behind, you'd have hidden from that for ages. Yeah. Not from the gay thing, but from your own feelings, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. You've got this, babes. You've got, you have, you have.

I think you know as well. I think you know what to do. It's just, yeah, we're cheering you on. Love you. Come back to us. While we're on this, actually, on the relationship train, we've had another email

that I thought might be relevant. Okay. Hi, girls. First of all, of course, need to say that I love the pod. It brightens up my week and makes my commute so much more enjoyable. Thank you.

I'm hoping why, is it just me, is something that you might both be able to advise on. I'm currently in my mid-20s and have been with my lovely boyfriend since I was 19. Our relationship is really strong and we're planning on moving in together next year. However, there is a part of me that worries that I am committed to one person too young and I'm missing out on the experience of dating different people in my 20s, which then leads me on to wonder how I can know if he's the right person for me if this is the only serious relationship I've ever had. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to end up. our relationship, but I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way. Just wondering if anyone

else can relate. I think a lot of people can relate to this. Can I just jump in on this? Jump. So I was 18 and I got together with Alex. I'm now 29 and I have a kid and I am married and like, yeah, we are committed. You, like, you're definitely not on your own with those feelings. I think the most important part of this email is that you say, I love my boyfriend and I don't want our relationship. I don't want to end our relationship. I was going to say that, yeah. That's what matters here. That's it.

You want to be with him. That's that. And like, yeah, okay, right. I have had times during my 20s over the last decade where I think, oh, my, because people do say it a lot. People do cast judgments and they say, oh, you change. And I know, me and Alex are different people. I genuinely believe fundamentally different people to who were when we got together. And I've always maintained that it was just luck that enabled us to grow together because I don't think it happens for everybody.

I don't think it works out for everybody but that doesn't mean that it's wrong when it does and like if you are in love with this person and you want to be with this person then there is nothing wrong with that and I think no matter what situation you were in the whole point of your 20s is to look around and think that everybody's got it better than you

like I feel that's all anybody does single people want nothing more like I talked to my brother about this and he's the age that I was when I got married and sometimes you look and you think oh fun he's got he can just go on holiday with his friends and and he can just go and do whatever and he doesn't have any of this stuff and I think he looks at me and it's like you've got a partner that you love and a kid and you that's what you do you look at each other

and you think that looks better yeah but you know what I know the grass is greener where you water it yes so yeah I really like that yeah so if you're in love then stick with it yeah and honestly what are you missing out on a bit of chlamydia I like Oh my dear. Dating is brutal. Yeah. It sounds like stories are bad from the front lines of dating. But you were single at 29, as we just talked about.

I was, but not for very long. No. But did you have this moment of like, woohoo. This is amazing. This is better than being in a relationship. I mean, it was novelty for me. I'd never been, I hadn't been single since I was 18. Yeah.

Yeah. So it was just novelty for me. but I met Dave really quickly, so I can't really... You didn't go and do some, like, fun bonging before. I went a little bit crazy in the couple of little bongs time period. I was also, like, I went through a... Went through really... This is, like, how much I can overthink myself into anything.

I started to convince myself that maybe I only fancied gay men. I thought I didn't know what I'm saying this. You do fucking love Will Young. No, that was part of it. I was like, I loved him for years. I was like, I only fancy gay men. Like, what is, that, that can't, obviously that's not a good thing. Introducing Dave Melia.

So I went on this like rampage of like, got a date, got to see as many men as possible. And also got to know that like, I don't know, I will find other people attractive and like, I can be, I don't know, I don't know. You had some self-excloration. It was a bad time. Fine. It was a bad time. But I met Dave really quickly. I do just think, like, you are where you are,

and it's normal to have doubts about what you're, what you perceive that you're missing out on that other people are doing around you. Like, that is so normal. This is one of the most common things, sorry, to interrupt you, one of the most common things I get sent to, my metro question box is always from people who are like, I want to have, I want nothing more than to have a baby,

but I am so scared that I'm going to be missing out on something else if I do it. And like, I'm giving up on something or I'm passing up on a part of my life. and sometimes I have these thoughts because I feel like I have had a kid quite young like I'm the youngest of all my friends really to have a baby and sometimes I do have this

and I just sit there and I think they're coming like they're coming they're coming and then it's like what do I really want what do I really want like what would I swap it for right now like when I look at Alex on the sofa I'm holding Arlo or like where would I choose

and I think that's really good time to just ground yourself and I would like the expression it's like it's okay to just be where your feet are and just like look at your feet and like look around you and say where would you rather be do you want to be in a sticky nightclub

because you can do that you don't have to torture your whole world to go clubbing or have a weekend away or spend the night by yourself like you don't have to set fire to everything to do that like maybe that's what you want

or is it because you want to wake up every day and not be with this person right and I think that we often see like romanticised Like I watch videos of like living in Paris on TikTok and I'm like, fuck, I can't do that now. But then I'm like, but the realities of that life actually, like, is that what I really want? Yeah.

I mean, probably yes. But I have that with New York. I think that all the time. I'm like, fuck, I want to live in New York. And then I think about it. And I'm like, okay, what could I afford? It would be some like grotty apartment where the lift would never work. And I'd be coming home from work every day.

I wouldn't be able to do this job anymore. So then I'd be coming up the stairs. and I'd be by myself because Alex probably wouldn't have come or maybe I'd have squished all I went, I don't know but like, and I actually think about the reality my family and Marloree, I don't have any friends there I can't, Bua wouldn't be there

Right, exactly. When you actually, sorry, frog of my throat sometimes you have to invite people, like invite all, you have to invite the reality into your fantasies, don't you? 100% that's it, exactly, exactly. Bring all your baggage into every fantasy that you have.

Yeah, and suddenly. Yeah, imagine all the moving boxes. Piss on your own parade a bit. Yeah, and imagine going to all those parties on your own and all the like all the things that you do with your partner imagine take out for one all the all the things you be homesick that you take for granted but even in your relationship all those little things imagine doing it on your own yeah and is that what you want and i think it's okay to make peace with those little fantasies as well isn't it and be like they're

normal and like i'd fucking love to live in new york except not really other end like yeah and The N that didn't get like shacked up and tied down. Free M. M with the wings. Parallel universe. Yeah, let it go. Okay, guys. Okay.

I hope that was some advice. Yeah. Be where your feet are. Yeah. Be where your feet are. I like that. Be where your feet are. Yeah.

Love you guys. See you next week. See our Monday. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. Should I delete that is part of the ACAS creative network.