Should I Delete That? - Is It Just Me: The Feral and The Beautiful

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

On this week's IIJM, the girls discuss Em's new look, weighing yourself and looking silly in public...Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys, just a little heads up that towards the middle and end of this episode, we talk quite at length about body image, about scales, about weight, and kind of in the context of postpartum in pregnancy. So if you think this episode might be triggering for you, then feel free to give it a miss or cut it halfway through. Hello, welcome back to Should I Delete That. This is an is it just me episode. I'm M Clarkson. She's Alex Light and I'm very excited because of thought props. holding an Amazon bag in that scarce me. Okay, so you might remember a couple of weeks ago, we talked about how incredibly uncomfortable it is to walk side by side with somebody under an umbrella. And then we thought, there must be a better way.

Oh, my gosh. Introducing the better way. I don't know, they came in two packets and only one of them was packaged. Here you go. Oh, fun. Oh, I just hit myself in the eye. How does it work, Al? This is for a very tiny head.

Oh, no, it's elasticated. I'm in, I'm in. Oh, God, you look great. I've got such a big head. I'm really self-conscious already. I don't want to be humbled by this. It's going to ruin your hair, your slick barn. I don't like it.

Luckily, my hair looks like absolute shit today, so I'm fine. Oh, my God. This is so good. These are just so, we're now in a light shower. I'm sorry, this is absolutely genius. This is, it's caught in my clit, but that's okay. Do you think that would keep? This is so clever

We've got any water So clever We need to emulate rain Daisy will you shower us Daisy start a cigarette Make the smoke alarms go Start a cigarette Does that cover the back of M's bonn?

Oh yeah yeah yeah Does it? This is genius You know what It's actually raining outside I think I'm going to wear this A mansion On the streets of London

This is a stupid of thing ever I've just realised We're doing this via the audio means. You don't know what the hell is happening. We're taking selfies. Sorry. No, they don't know what's happened, Al. We didn't tell them that we've got tiny little umbrella hats.

We've put umbrella hats on. We didn't tell them what we were doing. Yeah. So we, sorry, we bought umbrella hat. Oh no, it's really ruined my bun, isn't it? God, for people that work almost entirely in the medium of audio, that wasn't very well done, was it? No, we've fucked it. We just started laughing.

Am I alright? This isn't working for me like it's working for you. It's all over my eyebrows. No. I think you look chic. I think I look shit. It actually looks quite chic. You look like bog. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Why though? It's working for you. It's doing stuff for you. No, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Just kind of suits you. You look like you've gone to, you look like you're at hand. Princess Diana underneath, like the, like, I feel like I need to do, like, the Princess Dyeyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I really feel like I'm doing my big, like, she. Like, okay, hang on, can we have some, like, Al, you're good at singing. Can you sing something that, like, in the films, like, I've got my big hat and then, and then Hugh Grant's going to walk in over there, and I'm just going to go, I'm just having my moment, you know, I'm like. Oh, that's it.

You know what's all the time. If not my favourite. That was so well-timed. Oh my God, that was excellent. This was bringing out a part of my personality that I just am obsessed with. Why do I look chic in it? Yeah, I'm going to be honest.

I don't look chic. No, you look like you should be at Niagara Falls. Fuck off. Or Disneyland, Lans. Flash Mountain. Oh, fun. I'd love to go. I'm going to a wash park in a few weeks.

I really want to go to Disney. How are you? TikTok and our listeners have ruined. The acoustics in this thing are so good. But it's ruined it for me because I've got this, the absolute fear that I'm going to go down a water slide and A fall out of it. B, get stuck in it. C, have my pants go up my ass. D, have my pants come off my ass.

Or E. All of the above. All of the above. F you'll get a little graze and get impotigo That happened to my sister's often as kids Every time

Every time they went to a theme park A water park They got impotigo every time they went to Okay maybe not every time But it was often How often did they go to water park? Not that often So they got in petio once

But it was a big deal What's impotigo? It's like this crusty skin infection that like spreads it's highly contagious and i don't know it's just there's a lot of varucas in water parks as well yeah i really don't want a verruca because i gave you a hard time having one also i've already been to a podiatrist business you can never get rid of them unless you get unless you get rid of them straight away but if if it carries on for a little bit you can just never get rid of them so you've got a veruca still oh no i i eventually got rid of it but i honestly

had to go through health not quite hell but it was painful to get it off We have a survivor in our midst. I've been through. Look, I've been to hell and back. It's really hot to talk about it, actually. It was a painful time in my life. Yeah, I can imagine. It was really painful.

I remember my mom, like, we went on holiday, like, years ago with her friends, like family friends, and we went to Kauphu. And me, it was like me and my best friend and her family. And we, like, we petitioned hard. to go to the water park in Corfu, and my mum was like, you will get chlamydia. And I was like, okay. And that was the argument. And then eventually we won.

And then I remember going, and like, it was just ruined. Like, I got in the pool and I was like, oh, I want chlamydia. What have I done? Well, it wasn't worth chlamydia. I didn't have chlamydia, but. You would think that they would pump enough chlorine

into a water park to stop all the germs, but they don't. Are they dangerous? Like, no, okay, stupid question. So I'm not scared of roller coasters, roller coasters. I love a roller coasters because I think it's that like chain smoker songs. If we go down, we go down together. Do you know what I mean? Like if something goes wrong, we're all fucked.

And then only the ones of you on the ride. Yeah, that's what I mean. They're like six of you. Yeah, fine. But so it's like we're all down. Like not great. But like we go down together. It's not our fault.

It's not embarrassing because we've all died. You know what I mean? but in a water park if it goes wrong for you because you fall off the dinghy or you get stuck in the slide or you lose your pants it is embarrassing you know what I mean

humiliating you can't go to a water park in a bikini well yeah no I'm taking a swimsuit specifically yes you must but also what am I going to do with my kid she's really going to hold me back I was going to say

yeah yeah yeah so it's going to be tragic like because I'm going to have to go she might be too young no doubt for a water park for slides We're not going for her. Oh no.

We're going to go for me. But it just means that I'm going to have to go on all the stuff alone to like leave Alex at the bottom with her. I don't think I can go. That means we can film you. Dying. And if anything embarrassing happens, then we've got it on camera. Which it inevitably will.

I've seen so many videos. Yeah. And those are just the ones I've seen. You know, most people aren't filmed at water parks. So most people have to just quietly friction burn their way into a mortal shame. The word, getting stuck is horrific. No, no. stuck in that little tube.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I can't do it. I really hate those tubes. No. Also, they've all got rivets in them. I'm really talking myself out of this. I know, why are you going? It sounds fun. A water bark.

Plus, I've got the accessories for it now. I just see lack of hygiene and discomfort and you're all wet. Very cow over there. Now you care about hygiene. Stop it. I'm actually completely used to talking to you with that on your head. I like the acoustics. I like how it sounds in here.

I am getting a headache, I think. Are you scared about being seen looking stupid in public? I mean, it's not like a genuine fear, but I wouldn't like it either. Like, would you wear this? Context listeners is not actually talking to me. She's taking multiple selfies on her phone. Don't hate because you aid me out. Okay, fine.

I don't think I'd wear this out, no. Like, I do stupid shit in public for content and just for life. Like, yeah. Like, the time I bought those loos to do this improve ad, like, literally shitting on my own doorstep. Like, and I bought those loose and I, like, put them in the middle of the road. And the time that I did the tube girl thing and, like, the dancers that I did in public in the inflatable suits and the time that I dressed them as a BlackBree and, like, the time that I sat outside, like, the Bentley garage and I did that really bad singing to Celine Dion.

And the time I rented a leaf blow and I lent outside the car, we did the leaf blow, and I made myself all swimming. You know, like, I do stupid shit. You do? Why don't you do stupid shit? I don't know. I feel like that's my personal mission. As soon as you finish being pregnant, is to just have you do more stupid shit.

Imagine Dave, though. This isn't about Dave. Dave would have to not be there. Hell no. Dave finds a lot awkward. It would bring me so much joy, actually, to do these things with Dave. Yes, for Dave. He finds a lot awkward, Dave.

Does it? Does it care what people think? Does, yes, massively. That is a surprise. To the point, even like if we're in a taxi and we're having a conversation, he's like, oh, like, be careful, like don't say, don't say this, don't do that. I'm like, it's only anal, Dave.

It's really innocuous stuff. It's just like, it's what he deems personal. He's like, don't just be, and I'm like, it's fine. I don't know, I don't know, he's just, he's very conscious, he's very conscious of other people. That's very interesting to me. It's quite surprising, isn't it? Well, the thing is, it's like, I feel like,

I know Dave quite well but I feel like his entire aura towards me is just bemused but I suppose he doesn't have to worry about what I do in public because I'm not his problem do you know what I mean?

So like if I'm a weirdo he's like it's not my weirdo do you know what I mean so he's not going to be embarrassed to sucks for Alex Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Alex doesn't give a flying fuck Love that Like not a solitary one Which is a surprise to me because he looks like he's going to care more. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I would have thought he would have cared.

Doesn't give a shit. I love that. It's so, I give way more shits than him. I get so awkward. Is it because he's not doing it? It's more like, I don't know, stuff that I find inherently awkward. He just doesn't. That's men, I think.

Yeah? Yeah. Do you mean like the really simple, like harmless stuff that we find awkward? Yeah. That we shouldn't. actually find awkward. But Dave doesn't find that awkward. No, he wouldn't find like stuff like that awkward.

Yeah. Or like, if I took the leaf blower outside with him and was like, film me, he'd hate that. Yeah, he'd be like. And Alex doesn't care about that at all. He'd be like, what's we doing? So Alex will not go to the supermarket in his trackies. Why? And we live a stone's throw.

And it's like. You do? Yeah, and he'll need something. And he goes to get changed. Into what? Jeans. Tell me why. Or like, so the Irish call them fat man's.

Right. They're like joggers. Right. So he calls him his fat man's. Right. Like it's like cotton ones. So he's got like his training ones, like the normal ones. Like the kind of look like trout like the lulu lemon ones basically that look like trousers.

You know we talked about Alex's capsule wardrobe before where he's basically got the same thing in like four colors because he's basically just like a doll. He's like a kendall. So he's got his lulu lemon trousers in three colors. Yeah. So he just wears one of those as like. iterations of an outfit like he'll just wear that then he's got the same trousers in all the different colors and then he's got his fat man's and his fat man's were just solely for home and things have to be pretty bad for him like I think he's maybe gone out to the shop and then

once but it's so like we'll be sitting there and he'll be like oh I need to go out to the shop and it's like I'll be up to like my tits and like shit and milk and mess and everything and he's like I was gonna go and get changed I'm like oh my god like why do you get because he'll wear his like Lillie Lemon smart trackies, he'll go up and he'll swap his fat man's for his smart trackies and he'll wear those. But you will not wear his fat man's. I don't know if it's because they're grey and it's like the willy thing. I don't know. Yeah, maybe. But like, he's unlikely to like bump into anyone. You say that we have become incredibly close with our neighbours, much to my embarrassment. Oh, mine. Yeah, we've become like, I'd go so far after I say

matey. I've been invited over. Oh shit. To one on the Saturday. Oh, maybe it is. the grey track seat thing then. What, the Willie thing? Yeah. He becomes such a thing. He will not wear them out of the house. Britt, I look very feral when I leave the house most of the time. I'll leave, I'll go out in my trackies and my crocks. Yeah.

And he'll be wearing his trackeys and his crocs and he goes to get changed. So in some regard, he does really care what people think. But in most regards, he doesn't, it's a very confusing. But he doesn't, is he not like to you when you go out in your trackies and stuff? Is he not like what you're doing? doesn't give a fuck what I do. He just doesn't like his own track. How funny.

Isn't it bizarre? Can we get him on to explain this? Yeah. A few other things. Yeah. Like the whole bladder situation and the witty situation. I never got that quite figured out in my head.

About his Willie? About men's weeing and do you remember? Yeah. Tying the penis in a little lot. Yeah, the little balloon at the end. I don't know. I don't think he's the guy for that. I asked him last night if he loved me in Family Feminine.

He said yes. If he found you feminine. Yeah, because I was looking like an absolute troll-up. And it was just, I just had one of those moments where, like, I was feeling vile in myself because, you know, life. And then Alo was crying in the bath and I was like, I need to make this situation better for her because she normally loves the bath. I was like, I don't want her getting like a bath complex.

So I'll get in the bath too. And then it's like, bun, mummy's in the bath. So like, I just took off all my clothes and got in the bath too. And then I just looked at myself and I was like, woof. Like my legs were hairy. Harry. And I was just, you know, it's bad lighting. I was just, I really, it was a bad, it was just, you know, it's just not. Not feeling good. Just not a vibe. No. It's like, am I revolting to you? Am I revolting to you? Yeah, he had the good sense to say no. But I have shaved my legs subsequently that this morning in the shower. I was like, I love that. Not like, do you still find me attractive? Like, no, am I revolting to you?

Well, the thing is, it's like, I don't expect to be. attractive all the time at the moment like but there's a difference like I feel like not being attractive to him is one thing being revolting to him I don't know if we can come back from that you know what I mean like attractiveness I can deal with revulsion feels terminal but I bet I bet going through childbirth and the immediate like postpartum stuff I bet surely you like you transcend that that barrier Not revolting, I don't mean that, but it kind of, he sees you at your most... Beautiful. Feral.

And beautiful. Farrell? Do you know what I mean by that? Like, animalistic, like you just... I don't know. I know. I thought you were going to go there. Farrell.

I mean, that's what I'm expecting. I have said to him loads, like, do you, because you go. weight and we're told that like that men don't find you attractive if you gain weight. But he said to me load like this is the most beautiful thing. Your body has done something so feminine in creating another life. And then I said, because I heard this whole conversation with him last night and I was like, well, what about like when I was thinner? Like did you love? Because when we were, you know, when we first got together like not, I used to be, you know, in our, there was a point in our relationship where I was a lot thinner than I am now, like stone's lighter.

and I was, I mean, probably not very healthy, but very thin. And I was like, do you ever compare my body now to them? He was like, no, for a few reasons. But mostly, like, you're just so much more confident now. And I may be that comes with motherhood where you're just like... I bet he genuinely as well. I bet he hadn't even thought about it. No.

I bet he never even came into his consciousness. And if it did, it would be more of an observation thing rather than like something that has judgment added to it. Yeah, it's really no biggie. Because why would they care, you know? Yeah. And he doesn't look at me in the bath yesterday being like, oh, hairy legs and like soft tummy looks and he's like, that's my baby's mom.

Right. With my baby, like, what a beautiful moment. They're in the bath and that's really cute. Whereas I'm like, oh, I'm disgusting. I know. It's so bad the way we see ourselves. I know. Even in those beautiful moments.

Because like Dave's body has changed since I first met him. And like I might have observed it a few times, but it's never. it's just not something that I care about I just don't care. How's it changed? Is he bigger or smaller? Bigger? Not like massively different

but his body has changed. Because time. Yeah, and just doing a lot less exercise and stuff but it's in no way like a bad thing to me. I don't know. It's just funny. And I bet that's exactly how they feel as well. Except you have the added component

of like you're making life. Right. So they're not going to put like Like a... But also we worry about it, right? Whereas I think, like... Yeah, but Alex does not understand the worry. The tape has not said to me once, like,

do you ever think about my smaller body? Yeah. That's just not something that would come into his consciousness. No. No, Alex used to be, like, we both were completely... We both look completely different. Like, sometimes I look at like, kind of 2016 ass and I'm like, whoa. But then I remember, like, for dinner,

we just eat, like, turkey mince. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. That's it. Oh my God, yeah. We do like turkey mince and spinach. diet culture had a finay chokehold we're like yeah we just prefer sweet potato fries fucking liars yeah and actually you know interestingly like he's got such a different

I just realized like men have such a different view of like diet culture to us even like because he he's like obviously he's gone to CrossFit you know has become integral to his entire personality he was like oh you know I'm really going to be like work on like getting really ripped and like getting my body all like muslin and shit. I'm like, cool, cool, you go, body. But then he was eating like, nothing. Like, and I was like, well, I need to be ripped. I'm like, you're training so much.

You need to eat so much more. And he was like, oh, no, I don't think so. Like, I'll just eat what you eat. And I was like, you need to eat like twice what I eat. Like just at maintenance, like, you need to eat so much more than me. He's like, oh, I don't know. And then I was like, go and ask one of the trainers that you're fucking precious crossfit if you won't listen to me.

And then sure enough, he went there. And they were like, yeah, you need to be eating like thousands and thousands of calories a day. so now it's having to like have way more but it's so interesting that they just have no concept or not this is massive generalisation but like it's just not part of the male psyche to kind of know all of you know like we just know an intense amount

about macros and scarrows and scary and stupid shit that we've just picked up along the way from like magazine tearouts or like those documentaries about how to lose like yeah how to look good naked yeah exactly I found I went to a bookshop at the weekend, a really old bookshop. I want to say vintage bookshop.

Is that a thing? Secondhand books. Yeah, I was going to say, I like that we rebranded them vintage. Secondhand bookshop. Like the Bible, the Bible's like, hi. Upcycle me. And Dave was like, oh my God, I'll look at this. And it was Trinian Susanna's book.

What's not to wear. Wow. We flicked through it and it was so bad. Was it? So bad. It's literally like how to hide fat thighs like how to cover

how to cover your fat belly and it's like Susanna was the one that do you remember she was like and I'm please believe me I'm saying this with like the biggest air quotes the fat one wasn't she like Trinney was super thin and Susanna was like the fat one

so Susanna's uses the examples for all of the how to hide this how to hide that and she's like tiny slim very slim she's just not trinny thin but she was like seen as

it was just it's a brutal book you know when you go back to like your own memory archives and you think back to like embarrassing things that you've said or done yeah do you think they go back and just think that was a bad show I think so

that's a bad book I think so yeah but then they you know they did what they did with the tools that they had it was the time and whatever and that was like the narrative at the time as well, wasn't it? Like, that's what we like to talk about.

Well, God, Kwan was doing it and everyone's kind of like over it with him and no one cares. And it was all about covering up and flattering. But I feel sorry for Susanna, actually. I saw, she did a video, an Instagram video the other day. It was like, she was in bed.

It was like a bit of a candid one, but she said she'd been away for the week. And she had not eaten any chocolate. She'd not eaten any treats, like what her family was eating. She'd like been, quote unquote, good. and, you know, been running around and stuff and she'd come home to find out that she'd, like, put on a pound or something.

And she was really, like, gutted about it. And I was like, God, that's actually really sad. Isn't it? She's still in that headspace. Yeah, that she's still in that head space. But most people are, you know. But most people are. And also, if you've been on this TV show

for however long being called the fat one, yeah. Yeah. You probably would, that would stick with you, wouldn't it? Yeah. And I think we're in a bit of a bubble that it doesn't matter or where it doesn't matter or where whatever like it does matter to so many people and it still matters to society and like and do you know what I don't like about myself

is that when I go outside of that bubble and speak to people who are still in that frame of mind it really I don't know if trigger is the right word but it it yeah okay I guess triggers triggers triggers me and makes me want to like I don't know it makes me question everything makes you question what you do not what I do no not what I do I'm strong in that but I guess how I see myself suddenly I'm like oh like maybe I'm not okay as I am yeah and you make it about you should still be trying to be thinner yeah like everyone else yeah I don't know like maybe these people are looking at me thinking that I'm a bit I I need I'm like overweight I don't know I don't know just really I don't know, it kind of gets to me.

I think I talked about that, like last year or the year before, no last year, there were a few weddings that we went to and they were like a broad wedding so we were with people for a long time. And all the girls were just talking about like what they'd done to prepare and how skinny is she, she's lost so much weight for this. And, you know, it really just, I don't know, it just affects me. I'm not so good at blocking it out.

Yeah. But I'm, but I think it's good because I'm in a bubble and not, people don't really talk about it around me. Yeah. But then I notice that when I do, I don't know. I think that's because I'm just such a like, people pleaser, like. It's interesting. Very penetrable, influenced. I find.

I'm not penetrable. I didn't mean that. That sounds awful. Influence. Yeah, I'm just very penetrable. I find that I can, and I think particularly since. having, I can be really matter-fucked about my weight and like how I feel about it and like, I don't know,

like rightly or wrongly, like I feel, I don't know, like people around me do talk about weight. And it just, but I can also, I've actually probably spoken about my own more since having a baby than ever before. Like before I had Arlo, I did not know what I weighed at all. Never needed to, never weighed myself. And then they weigh you when you get pregnant.

And I had no issue. knowing and then when I had HD in the first trimester I lost weight because I was being so sick so then I knew again so then I just got curious when I was pregnant and I was kind of tracking it with the sickness and stuff so then I was like really aware of like how much weight I put on and then I was quite interested so I asked a trainer I was like is this because I put on like I don't know if we I don't if it's triggering to talk about numbers so I've probably put on probably nearly 20 kilos I was pregnant maybe yeah I I'd say about 20 kilos.

Do you work in kilos? Yeah. Did during pregnancy. I don't know why. Yeah, they do now, don't they actually. Yeah, I don't know why. So, yeah, I put like, yeah, put on about 20 kilos. And then, like, fine.

And then, you know, even when she was born, I was still 14 kilos heavier than what I was at the beginning of the pregnancy. Yeah. Which I think it's pretty standard. Yeah. But I was just really curious. So I asked people. It's like, is this normal?

Because I think in my head, and I still follow so many people online that literally do look like they bounce back and, like, I've got friends. that just leaves the weight so quickly and I was really curious and I've actually been very curious about watching my body change and I have been weighing myself and I have been quite interested in it

but I've been surprised that I haven't found it like triggering I haven't found it like disheartening I've just found it like it hasn't led to like destructive behaviours or anything no I'm just like I'm curious I wear myself relatively often which is just odd for me because it does seem to go at odds

with everything I say, but I seem to have worked on my thinking enough that it doesn't. And I don't really know why I'm watching it, but I am curious. I'm really interested in it with breastfeeding. I'm really interested to see what happens when I stop breastfeeding.

I don't know, I'm just really interested by it. And I just think, like, watching my body change, it's just fascinating and getting my muscles back. I don't know. It is fascinating. Yeah, and I've been really, like, pleasantly surprised that I've been able to do it without being upset at all.

I don't know. But yeah, but I found myself talking way more about it. And actually it's interesting now, if I say it to like anyone, like if I say to any of my friends, I'm like, because people now be like,

oh, you don't like, you know, you don't like you don't like, however many kilos have you. And then people like, oh, and people get a real panic that I've said that

because I think they expect me to be like, yeah, and it's not a bad thing. I bet they say that we don't look at it. Yeah. Yeah. And people, oh, it doesn't matter. you take your time, you feel like, and there's a lot of that.

And it's like, it actually was just a statement of fact. Like it doesn't, yeah, it doesn't need like the whole emotion. I don't need to caveat it with like, I feel fine about it by the way. And it's just very like, no, yeah, well, interesting. And that's really cool to be in that place actually. Where you can have, you can be like pretty neutral towards your. I feel very neutral towards it. I mean, not last night when I sat in the bath, but it wasn't that I was like,

oh, I feel really like fat and all the this. It was more like, shit, I haven't shaved my legs in 40 years and I need a tan and I haven't washed my hair and you know what I mean like it was more of that and probably the way your body has changed and it's like composition probably

yeah I've got a little pooch no pooch as a dog a pouch a pooch I've got a pout I've got a bottom of my tummy and I just have

much more tummy fat than I had before and I don't really notice it day to day because I don't really care but then it's like I've got videos of myself like getting dressed just for what you know

like I'm just for I was filming an ad the other day yeah and I was like oh my tummy never move like that before but I don't feel it's going to though isn't it it's going to move differently well yeah like I'm watching this happen to me and thinking like I just can't imagine what's on the other side of this not in a bad way but like your body changes so much that I'm like it's kind of hard to imagine going back yeah really hard to imagine and sometimes I look at photos before and I'm like oh god I looked amazing but it but then I'm not but I didn't have

then so you know that's whatever yeah and you probably you look amazing like in one sense if you think about like being skinny as the yeah yeah but it doesn't that doesn't say anything about how I look now like I just look at them and be like God I look amazing there yeah and I guess kind of it's inferred that I mean and now I don't but that's not true I just look different yeah but it's like I feel very curious and neutral about it. Yeah, it's really weird though. But like I'm surprised that I still am carrying. But then I'm also, you know, I'm like really pushing my running and I'm practicing my strength training and like I don't know. I feel like I'm just coming out all of this with like. Do you still get a buzz though if you go on the scales and you've lost weight?

No, so interestingly, much like Susanna, I got on the scales this morning. So I haven't been on for like a week. Yeah. And I've put weight on. Right. Didn't go. Didn't care. I was like, well, I ate a loaf of focaccia yesterday, so that's about right. Like, I just didn't care. No, it doesn't bother you. And actually, I spoke to M Ricketts when I was getting back into my training. And she's a trainer and she had a baby.

And I've been really inspired by her journey. I think she's really cool. But she makes these, like, really helpful programs for like pre and postnatal training. Yeah. And I spoke to her as well about everything. And she was like, when I started training, going to you, I was like, you need to eat so much more than what you think because you're breastfeeding. And she said, if you are going to wear yourself,

because, you know, if she's a trainer, that's what they do. She said, if you are going to wear yourself, you should do it every day because you need to see the huge variation in your weight while you're breastfeeding because it'll make you realize, you know, you put so much, we put so much worth on our weight all the time. And she's like, actually, you need to realize that your breastfeeding could have you kilograms out every day. Surely.

So that was really good for me to be like, this number's not really representative of anything anyway because I'm breastfeeding. Do you know what I mean? And there must be so much fluid retention as well that you can't get inaccurate reading anyway. And like I drink like six litres of water a day. And it goes for people who aren't postpartum either. You know like where we are in our cycles.

Like we can be fluctuating so much. Yeah, you can be like, I was reading a thing about how you can be like 10 pounds, it's not just 10 pounds heavier the week of your period. So it's just, I don't know, I feel like I never had a, positive relationship with it or any it was always like I had to get the number down and down and down and down and down

and I think the last time I weighed myself before this before the doctor before pregnancy before anything I was like I think that's like three or four stone lighter than I was after being postpartum and it was a real like whoa and then I've just sat

with that and been like yeah but I had turkey mince and spinach and I didn't have a kid then so I'd rather be where I am now do you know what I mean? Yeah definitely So I don't know, I've just found it very interesting This has probably been hugely triggering And I feel like bad if it have been

I do think I do think though it's interesting to talk about it And that we shouldn't like shy away from talking about it Yeah And I think that's the other thing like within this culture Is people do still talk about it So I've realised it's like I can't avoid it forever Particularly in the postpartum space

This is a conversation that just happens around you A lot, there is the conversation of bounce back there is the conversation of all of it. So rather than sticking my head in the sand, it's just, I've been quite proud of myself for being able to just like navigate it. Yeah. With just light curiosity.

Yeah. Rather than like anger or upset. Which I know for a fact. I'm just speaking to so many new moms. Like that's, it's huge. Yeah. The amount of shame that people can feel about their bodies after, after pregnancy.

So much shame. So, like, people said to me all the time, oh, like, the weight just falls off you in your breastfeeding. And my mum was like, didn't for me. And, like, I think it's so important that you have this conversation to be like, it doesn't. Weight doesn't fall off you after you have a kid. It just doesn't.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you want to carry on living, like, we just went to town, like, the biggest pan of chocolate as ever, they were fucking delicious. If you want to keep living your life and enjoying the things in your life, like, the only way to bounce. back for most people is to suffer. Restrict. Yeah. Yeah. Intensely. Yeah. At an already incredibly difficult time. Right. And so you have to be realistic and just be like, yeah, I'm probably

going to be bigger, but I'm like fair fucks. Like I made a kid. But I actually haven't heard much of this conversation, to be honest, like from anywhere. No. And I think people shy away from it because it can be, it can be triggering. And also you can like worry about saying the wrong thing. I've probably said like 50 months. No, but like I do, I do. I do. I do. I, I do think it's, I do think it's good to talk about it and show that perspective on postpartum as well. I think that's really interesting. And that perspective on weighing, which is so different to mine. You know, something I still have a problem with is scales still like triggers that panic in me, just the sight of them, the pure sight of them. Which I don't think, which I know isn't

healthy and I wish it wasn't the case. I wish I could have a more neutral approach to how much I weigh, It's just something that I've never been brave enough to tackle, I don't think. But you also don't need to, you know, there's no situation. No, no. And I was lucky enough that when I went for my midwife and the doctor's appointments with being pregnant, they allowed me to just estimate my weight rather than weigh me. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Because I ask specifically, like, I don't want to be weighed. Like, it's just, this is a hard enough time for me mentally anyway. I can't, I don't have it in me. Even to blind weigh. like to still, it's not even necessarily, it's the whole, it's not necessarily just knowing the number, it's the whole process for me that just, I don't know, just, it's like a bit of trauma.

I don't know, it takes me back. Even the sight of them, the sight of the scales, I just can't bear it. So I've been really lucky in that sense that I haven't had to do that. And how do you feel going into like, is your body a consideration like going into the postpartum? Like, how do you feel?

Yeah, I feel weird about that because I put a post up and I said that I weirdly feel so comfortable in my body being pregnant and I think it's because it's the first time in my life that being bigger, getting bigger has been met with like admiration and something positive rather than just quietness or like what I have perceived as a sense of pity, I guess. And so many people said that they felt the same

but that the other side of pregnancy was just so different for that, like the, the, complete opposite, which I can imagine as well. And the bird's papaya, Sarah, she's done a lot of work, a lot of content around that on how, like, when the baby's inside you, and it's a miracle and you're growing life and it's incredible. And like, look at your stomach, like it's so big and beautiful. And the moment you have that baby and that baby is outside of you

and suddenly you're not growing this life anymore, you're just kind of left with the remnants of pregnancy. Suddenly it's shame. like the narrative turns to shame so I am quite scared of that yeah I don't you mean but I think I've done enough work and I've got really supportive

like Dave's so supportive with it he literally has never mentioned my weight once in the time that we've been together I truly don't think he cares so yeah I'll be fine it will be fine it'll be fine it'll be something to navigate for sure but you know podcast content yeah i'll just come to the podcast with all my woes yeah podcast

therapy yeah i think take videos those first few days like i'm really grateful that i did yeah i don't know like i was over your body i just i just stood in videos yeah just like day three or something yeah and i was really amazed like i was really amazed and i'm really grateful to have them to look back on and I don't feel any kind of way I actually think I felt at the time like wow like wow the only time that was a bit difficult was when I started putting clothes on again and it was just like nothing fit and that was just a bit like oh fuck like I don't really not to do but but those first few weeks where you're just puffy and swollen you know still kind of pregnant looking but you don't have to go out or anything it's just amazing

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm really pleased that I have that, that I sat with that and I looked at myself and I sat in my bra and my pants and I, I didn't hide from myself. I think that was quite important for me. That's so important. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been really careful not to hide from myself at any point. Like, I've kept going to the gym in my sports bra. I've kept wearing tight clothes. Like, and I don't think this works for everyone. I don't think I'm coming up, I don't think I'm coming out of this episode sounding remotely helpful or relatable because it all sounds a bit. counterintuitive but like I just haven't hidden from myself at any point because I've wanted to keep showing myself that I'm accepting myself do you know what I mean love that yeah I really like that yeah I think I'll take that in into postpartum with me actually I really like that yeah I just like I've got a mirror at the end of the bed like kind of when you come up yeah I've got a much space so I've got a mirror like if you open my bedroom door there's a mirror on the wall and it just means that every morning I can see myself and I just I sleep in at the beginning anyway I would sleep in a nursing bra and pants and I didn't and I had my mom there and I had Alex there and I would just walk around like that

a lot always in front of the mirror and I filmed a lot and I'm just really pleased that I did I just takes away the shame like you're not supposed to feel shame no no and no and I didn't want it and like going back to the gym and stuff I was anxious part going to the gym like going back you know working out and stuff but I just and I really wanted to wear like baggy t-shirts and stuff and I'm not doing it like I just wanted to keep all of it I've like I want to keep feeling like me yeah and I don't have anything to hide like I don't I'm not hiding from myself that's the thing there is nothing to hide no and that's a really nice way to send like a subliminal message to yourself self yeah and to arlo like I'm also desperately aware that I've had a little girl I'm like I'm not doing this yeah I don't want to not get in the

bath with her because because I'm worried about how my body looks. I don't want to hide in the gym underneath this because mommy thinks she looks fat. I don't want her growing up with mommy thinking that she looks fat all the time. Like I want her to just see me showing up and being in all the pictures and like,

you know, the amount of photos I have of her like when I'm sitting just like with my tummy, like my bigger tummy and like she's there and I'm really grateful for them now. Even as it's going back down, even as I'm losing weight, know, kind of, well, not necessarily losing weight, but even as I'm smaller now than I was, you know, six months ago,

as is inevitable, I just, yeah, I feel like I'm kind of showing up the same, the whole way through. Love that. I'm really proud of myself for that. Oh, done, I like that. Yeah, that's the best piece of advice I'd give to anybody. Yeah. At any point, someone told me once, years ago, even when I was at my finish,

she said, just blow dry your hair naked, just whenever you blow dry your hair, do it naked, because you just get so used to yourself. Yeah. And you desensitize yourself to how you look as well. Yeah. It's the best advice I've ever had. Yeah. I did it for years. I love that. Yeah. Like always. And you just get used to not sucking in when you're looking in the mirror.

You just get used to like sitting and just looking at your tummy, just folding over. You know, I don't think I've ever actually properly looked at my body. Wow. Now's the time. I really don't think I have. Don't try your hair naked. I mean, it's much more now like if it's, I'm not scared of catching glimpses. I mean, I used to run the shower for like five minutes before I got in it because in case there were, you know, so I would seem up the mirrors

so I couldn't catch a sight of myself. So I'm not like that anymore, but I would never, I don't know, just like look at my body, I guess. Yeah. I don't know. It is interesting. I think the exposure is really good, particularly at a time that is shrouded in shame and weight gain is shrouded in shame and postpartum, you know,

the culture's not kind. So I think there's definitely something to be said for just existing in it. Yeah, exactly as you are. Yeah, just as you are. I'm going to take that with me. I hope so. Yeah, no worries.

I really like that. That was such a good conversation. Unexpected and unplanned, but it's such a good conversation. I just want to like to say, I don't know, I feel a little bit like, I don't know, I don't want to have like triggered anybody or upset anybody with anything I've said, so I'm a bit nervous about it. No, but look, I think like,

we're not always going to say like the absolute perfect things on this like we're all still facing diet culture as well at the same time but I actually think it's really good to open up the conversation and have it like as we said rather than bury bury our heads in the sand yeah and I want to be honest as well

yeah and it's your truth it's your truth it feels very American to say but it is your truth yeah and I think it's cool to talk about so yeah well love you all thanks for being honest no worries thanks for being honest too see you on Monday

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