Should I Delete That? - Jacq's Back for ANOTHER Live Therapy Session!

Episode Date: April 7, 2024

Thank God Jacq is back! The girls have been going through it and NEEDED life coach and #1 selling author Jaqueline Hurst back on the pod. Jacqueline talks about the power of choice, tackling feelings of overwhelm and how good enough, is good enough.Visit Jacqueline's website here jacquelinehurst.comPurchase tickets here for our first ever ✨LIVE TOUR!!✨Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Silly Goose ProductionsMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What if you make the wrong choice? I don't believe in making the wrong choice. That never enters my brain. Like every single thing I've thought and said and done has brought me to this moment. So none of it was wrong. Hello and welcome back to Should I Delete That? Today's guest is one. We have had many, many times due to popular demand.

and a crushing sense of pressure in my own personal life. Jacqueline has agreed to come back to talk to us and this episode felt so good. It was pure therapy, including tears. I make no apology for the fact that we get Jacqueline in here solely for our own mental health. If you're struggling with overwhelm or the feeling like everything is just getting on top of you or that there is just so much pressure and you don't know which way. to turn. This is the episode for you. Another conversation that I will be thinking about for a long

time to come and we really hope that you guys love it too. Here's Jack. Hi, Jack. Thanks so much coming back. Jack is back. Jack is back. We can't. Keep you away? No. No. We can't let you go. No, yeah. Don't mean can't keep you away. Other way around. You can't keep us away. Yeah. Let me in. I want to come back. I do. No, I do. I love it. So, about, in the business of over sharing um about three weeks ago i sent jack a text and i was like i can't cope like i'm not okay i can't even remember the exact wording but i don't think it was much further further away from like oh my god please don't have it will literally just be like help um so anyway jack and i had a session like three weeks ago because we actually haven't done that since you started coming

and therapyizing me publicly we haven't really had any like sessions just just jacquelin and i oh hang on wait, I've got the message, which is really interesting. Hi, I don't suppose you have any time to talk to me do you? Strug City over here. Strug City. How sweet is that? I don't suppose you have any like, how sweet? I loved it.

That's the message. Strug City. I mean, resident, me. I'm the mayor. But yeah, I was really struggling. And I've had any periods of it. But I had this one session with you and you said something which I have thought about every single day about the pressure that's been on me and the overwhelm that I've been feeling and you said that if I keep putting if people keep putting things on top of me it's no wonder that

everything's going to come out sideways and I've thought about it every time something's every time I've lashed out or felt emotional I felt this random surge of anger or emotion or stress or whatever and I've been like it's because something's on top I need to look up and like see what the last thing that was put on that's like tick me over anyway it really adjusted my perspective I feel like I want to put my hand up I don't think I would have said people putting things on top of you just because the language is really important

like it's more like what you allow to go on top of you is then what's coming out sideways right like you know like a jug of water the more that goes on the more that goes on it spills over yeah I keep thinking you know those videos do you guys see them on TikTok where people just put like crayons and like under like hydraulic

presses oh yeah I love that yeah well I'm not really have you great it's like a hydraulic press you know there's like super and it shows people just put stuff in them like crayons or well they get crushed but they're always beautiful

like when things come out the side and they explode it's so satisfying they make good noises but anyway I feel like that's been me recently but anyway we had this session

and it was really amazing and then ironically Jacqueline told me to do less and she said I had my homework was to do one less thing every day and I needed to like prioritize more time and all of this and then we were supposed to see each other

the week after I was so busy. And I thought I was going to be in big trouble. I don't know if I was. I didn't, I, I didn't follow up. You were you going to be in trouble with? But I thought you'd be like, annoyed with me. Why would I ever do that?

Like, that's on you. You want to cancel because you haven't taken my advice? No problem. No, but seriously, that's not like, you know, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. You know, that's the thing about coaching.

It's really about being in a super safe space of like, I'm never judging people. Yeah. I'm never like giving you my opinion of what you should do. Like, no, no, no, no. like it's about you, me showing you and teaching you how to adult yourself, right, which is really important. I'm such a bad adult. But I thought we could talk about the overwhelmed thing. Yeah. Like you and I are both at a point in our lives where we have this pressure and we put it on

ourselves. Like this is what I'm taking away from this is I put so much on myself. Yeah. And it's not great. And I'm not very good at boundarying myself. And I don't know if I can't speak to you. Is that a gender thing as well? It is, right? It's got to be. I think it's relative because men also have their own, you know, forms of pressure. Yeah. You know, women are, you know, we have our forms of pressure. But men also have their forms of pressure. Yeah.

So, you know, I wouldn't say it is a gender thing at all. Okay. I think it's, you know, we want to say that, oh, men get away with more. But they've also got their own forms of pressure. They've got, it's all quite relative, you know. Like for men, it's very much about the money thing and the job thing and the providing, you know, a lot of the time. And, you know, that's tricky. and also men especially at the moment are really in sort of a space of like having to elevate emotionally for women as there's been this change and you know the whole dating thing of you know men having to sort of level up a bit more a bit more a bit more emotionally because women have become so emotionally intelligent and more independent you know etc etc and so the gap between the two has got bigger so they've also got that on their play as well but yeah you know pressure is relative isn't it it's all how we manage it in our head it's never anything outside of our

It's what's going on in our mind that really, really matters because it's that that creates the pressure, you know, and that's really important to understand of all of these things. Anything outside of ourselves is all about how we interpret that, the interpretation of, you know, the plane is delayed and the baby doesn't stop crying and, you know, I haven't got service to call my mum and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. All of those things are situations and they're all factual, and it's how we interpret that and think about that, that then either creates the pressure or creates the calm. And that's on us. Do you know what? You've taught me that. And I was, I employed this the other night when the baby wouldn't stop crying in

the middle of the night. And I put him down and he was asleep. I rocked him to sleep. Put him down asleep. Two minutes later screaming. And I was like, do you know what? I can either think this is fucking awful. This is horrendous. I'm so exhausted. I want to scream. Or I can think, do you know what? like this is going to pass. I'm just going to like... Brilliant. You know, and I'm... And how did you feel when you changed? So much better.

So much better. And that's it. And it's like an acceptance of the situation rather than fighting it and pushing it like, no, I can't, like, this isn't fair. I don't want to do this. Not that I don't want to do this, but like I just want to go to sleep, you know? And then I was like, actually, if I just accept it and like this is how it is and this is okay and this is going to pass at some point.

And then everything felt so much better. Do you know, I feel emotional when you say, that because I know that I've, you know, known you for how long now. And we've had that conversation many times. And it sounds like to me, you're really starting to, in quotes, get it. Yeah. Like on a deep level. I'm talking head to heart level, right? Yeah. Yeah. And we're never perfect and because we have to keep learning and keep growing. But it does make me feel a bit emotional because I know that you learning that is going to make your life so much better. And that's beautiful. I think what I

find hard is I'm not very good at, like, I'm not very good at applying it to, I'm not even good at recognizing that I'm in a situation where I need to apply your advice. Does that make sense? I love that you said that because a lot of my work with my clients in the beginning is very much simply about awareness. Right. That word in and of itself is massive because it takes time. Yeah. How can we change something we're not aware of, right? So learning about that awareness of like, oh, I could be doing that here. That can take time. You know, I remember when I was going through it and I had to learn about connecting to my feelings, right? Like I had been conditioned as a kid to not feel my feelings, let alone speak them up and say

them, right? It was literally, it was a conditioning, okay? No one's fault. It was what I learned. And when I learned, you know, and I was going through learning about, you know, dating and all of that, which was the only area it really seemed to come out in, I really had to learn, oh, there's this feeling inside of me that doesn't feel right. and that took me a really long time to just connect to that feeling and that was before I learned

to speak about the feelings say hey there's this feeling you know like it's such a journey just to get there and so be kind to yourself in that space and even the fact that we can have this conversation with like I don't even know what I'm doing it is the beginning of sort of sprinkling the seeds of like oh I could start to be a bit more aware of that one of the other tools and tips I give clients with that is sometimes it's really good to like set an alarm on your phone and maybe like 10 in the morning or and then at 12 and then at 4 and then at 6 just an alarm so you don't even have to put anything in your diary just an alarm and that alarm can remind you am I thinking about what I'm thinking about properly right am I practicing my awareness around

what's going on in my head and this is really powerful because the more that happens the more we become aware, aware, aware, then we can step into the second stage, which is, I can change it. Yeah. When you are aware and when you do apply it, it is magic, right? Magic. But then, yeah, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, on one hand to hear that you have the power completely to change your mindset. 100%. That's very empowering. And it's good to hear because it's like, okay, well, yeah, well, yeah, it's empowering. But on the same time, it's like, it's frustrating because it's like shit I've got to do it

and anything worth having is worth working at right yeah and that is people's choice right which is why you know you can sit in that place of oh god this that which I call victim mentality which in a way is easier right in the moment is easier in the moment

rather than having to like do some hard work take your response I had this with my sister the other day because Katia has been fully Jacqueline like she's like I hear The cat eats up times and I'm like, it's so annoying because I was like, I was feeling so stressed last week. I had so much on. And I was saying to Kat was like, because she was coming to help me do something with the pod.

And I was like, can you be here this time? I've got to go for a run. I've got to do this. I've got to go for a run in the morning. But I've got my sightist and I don't feel well, whatever. And she's like, well, you don't. And I was like, well, you don't. And I was like, that's definitely me.

Well, I do. And it was so annoying. And it was like much easier for me to put, well, I do, I do. Because then I have to answer to that. But then I actually had to be like, well, I'm fun, I don't have to. I'm choosing to. And she's like, well, then you can't really moan about it. And it's like, oh, God, that's so good.

And also, you know, let's pick up on that. And this will be an interesting conversation because exactly what you say, people think, oh, well, it's just easier if I don't. But my question is, really? Really? Like, prove to me, it's easier. Because actually, anything that requires, like, self-discipline stuff to get yourself to that point, you can call it hard or you can call it amazing.

How amazing that I know that this is the tool to get me there. So how is it easy to stay in a low energy, low living, low feeling place? Like, is it easy? Like, really? I also find with that it's like I end up, what happens for me, if I sit in that situation for too long is I just feel so much resentment and I always feel it at myself in the long run. And it's because it took me so long to realize that it was my own fault.

Do you know what I mean? Because it's like I, I don't blame other people, but I don't take the responsibility early on. And if I don't take it early on, then by the time it starts to really suck, then I resent myself for not take it. And then I'd rather take the responsibility earlier than feel the resentment later.

Does that make sense? That's not a adult thing as well, right? Yeah. A lot of that is growing up too. So weird that I'm growing up. But you say that, but like, I don't think without you and without, you know, getting into resources of my own accord.

I don't think I would have gotten there. Like, I don't think, I don't think that feels like a normal part of adulting. I think a lot of people don't get there because they don't know how to, know how to, or don't even know that that's a thing that they have to do. But I think on that level, there's where there are a lot of parents who have kids, you know, like boomer generation who have kids who haven't learned that stuff. They haven't healed their own children and that's way. But that's their own journey, right?

Like, we all get through that. We don't all, actually. let me retract that. Some of us go through the journey and some of us just don't. And that's how it works. You know, like if you want it enough, you will. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired,

you will find stuff to feel better. You will learn how to do that for yourself. And if you are happy sitting in that place of like, misery and low level and then you won't ever take the journey. But that's okay. There's no right or wrong. It's just how do you want to live and how do you want to feel? Yeah.

For me, it was, you know, non-negotiable. But it's also kind of annoying. It's also kind of annoying that you then have to take response. Like, I don't know. I'm really looking forward to this bit. Come on. No, because it is annoying. Because what I find hard.

What's annoying? And then it was like, you have to take, and then the next step is like, well, you have to remove some of this. Like, you can't do everything, right? You've got to remove some of this from your priority list or from right now. But when I look at that fucking list, I'm like, nothing can go. Nothing can go. Everything has to stay.

And that's the annoying bit for me, because I know, ultimately, if I'm going to choose myself, something probably does have to give, but I don't want it to. But you see, that's a deeper conversation, right? Is it? Okay. Which is what I was thinking about from the minute we started this whole thing. Yeah. which is it actually runs a lot deeper than there's a million things I've got to do.

Yeah. What really the topic of conversation underneath that is is why? What makes you think you have to do all these things? What makes you feel like you can't say no? Do you know what I mean? And then we get into that whole thing of, you know, what does it look like? Is it a fear of failure? Is it a fear of success?

I mean, it could be a million different things, right? That's what, again, coaching is for to do it personalized. But is it failing? Is it success? Is it I can't say no? is it I can't be sitting down without having anything to do. I can't sit with myself. Like, there's a million things that this could be.

Is it all of the above? And it's a bit like the eating thing, right, which you'll know. It's like we can talk about when I work with people with like, I say it, disordered eating. But it's like, it's not about the fucking cookies. I don't care how many fucking cookies you eat. I want to know, whilst you're shoving the cookies in your mouth, which is fine, that's not the problem.

I want to know why. is it i hate my boyfriend and i and i don't want to be in this relationship or i can't deal with my job or my mom's really annoying me it's the why behind it that's really more important than oh you shouldn't be eating those cookies or blah but like it's never about the cookies i think that's probably going to be my next book like it's never about the cookies because oh my god do it because it's because it's always about the why behind these things right so when you're adding more things and more things and more things which you want to do right and you want to be a mom and a wife and a daughter and a sit right you want to do all these things and that's

again like oh my god my brain's going off into 20 different things but that's about women being told it sold a lie that you can do it all and be perfected at all of it right now add social media into it and you you really think that's real and it isn't you have to sit down and check out what is going on for me here and why is why is this happening it's more about the why that's really what I'm trying to get to. Do you ask, do I need to answer it? Yeah, we all want to know, Anne. What's the why?

I'm really bad at saying no. I'm really bad at saying no. And then, but that comes back to the resentment that we were saying earlier. It's like, I can't say no. And then once I haven't said no, then I resent it later. And again, I resent myself because it's like, I should have said no to this, but I didn't say no to this. And now I'm in the mess that I made for myself.

So what's the problem with saying no? I don't know. But that's not an answer. Okay, well, it's people pleasing. I know it's people pleasing. Okay, but all of this is you just love to throw a label. Okay, fine. It's people pleasing it, isn't it?

So just like, if you hang loose with that for a second and say, right, I just need to stop and I just need to think, right? Yeah. What happens inside of me when I think I need, I'm going to, I'm going to say no to this person. What comes up? I don't know. Like, guilt? Yeah, guilt. Okay, so guilt is a feeling created by a thought.

So what thoughts creates that feeling? But I think I'm letting them down. There we go. Right. I'm letting this person. person down. Okay. So, so first of all, actually you don't have that power to control their thinking. Yeah. So, so they are either, that other person is either going to think, oh, she's letting me down, which is their decision, or they're going to think, okay, that's fine, I'll do it another

day. Yeah. None of that. Have you got any control over? We could agree. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And it's interesting as well, because when I said, like, yesterday, when we were, everyone was going on in the WhatsApp group, and I put my boundary down, and I was like, it's 5.30. Child hairs over I need to be with my kid now. And you guys were like, okay. And it was fine. And that's the thing is that I feel compelled to say, even though it shouldn't, I know it shouldn't matter what I think. But if you ever say no to anything, me or the podcast, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be letting me down. I'm not going to be offended by it. Yeah. It's, I don't say no. And then I, and then I don't do the job properly. And that's what annoys people more, which is fair enough,

because I say I can do something and then I don't do it well. So you're not going to like this. But now you know that. Why aren't you changing it? I did. I sent the message yesterday. Okay, so you're asking. And I loved that. And I love that. That was great. I was like, yeah. Perfect. And you know the weirdest thing. See yeah. See you. And by the way, all women as we grow up are having this conversation, right? And age is a big part of it too. I'm about 107 years older than both people together.

And as a woman grows up, we learn more and more. We come into our own more and more. And we get more confidence. And we get, we give less of a shit, right? And when we learn like you're doing to say no and you start to. to understand that everyone's like, yeah, okay, fine, you start to do it more and more and more and more. So actually, if you've done it once and you've got, you've seen that you've said no, and it's fine, you need to continue to do that. And that's also really important self-development work. Pushing it on the other side, what about fear of failure? Like, because I feel like that's what a lot of women have as well. And you touched on it earlier about this thing, feeling like we have to have it all.

and I know men have it too but like it's mostly women this thing and obviously we're all women but like I have to have it on particularly now like I'm a mum and I feel like we've talked about this a bit and it's like you want to have like

you need you need to have a successful career and you want to be the best mum and you want to do all the things but you physically can't do it how do you cope with that like how do you not feel shit all the time with that so first of all I think that fear of failure is all about perfectionism

and it's all about like an insecurity about not being perfect that's my personal opinion about it right there's this insecurity of like I'm not perfect at this thing right so in which case some people just don't do anything because they don't want to fail and some people overachieve right

I do not overachieve, do not look at me not true so let's break that down right because what is this thing about women having to do it all and be perfect why it's tiring why do we have to do that that's exhausting

Like why? Yeah. And I mean, there's a million reasons, but they're not real because they're all societal, they're all pressure, they're all so unfair. I've worked with around 9,000. I've done around 9,000 clients, right? And I always say to people, like, I'm yet to meet a perfect one. Like, what does that look like, this perfect person that has this perfect life?

And that's why, as much as I love social media, I hate it in the same amount, because a lot of this is like, what? are people what are you looking at you're only looking at this perfected curating like when i see these women with like five kids and all the kids look perfect and you know they're posing to the camera and it's like but that's not real life it's a snapshot of your life for one second which is great but that isn't that cannot be your real life right and we are and that's not their fault right because we're taught that that's what we have to show but actually that's really dangerous in fact So I was reading this blog yesterday from Mark Groves, who's amazing.

And he has just had a baby with his wife and Create the Love is his Instagram handle. And he's coming off Instagram. He's got 1.1 million followers. He's like, this doesn't feel true to me. Social media feels like an abusive relationship and I'm out because I don't want to be doing that while I'm a dad now. And I thought that was a really powerful thing for him to do because it can be very, very, very dangerous, right? like it's hard enough living life right but then on top of that you add on oh my god but their living life in a in a better way and she looks better and he looks this and it's just

adds on a layer of stuff like i really think it's really important to do the work on ourselves to be totally comfortable with knowing that we're doing good enough i had a therapist once that taught me that and she was like you know it was back in the day when i was just getting clean And she was like, Jacqueline, good enough is good enough. And I made a choice that that is what it is, you know. And it will constantly evolve as we grow as women. You guys are going through it with motherhood. I go through it aging, right?

That good enough is good enough, right? I don't have a 25-year-old's body anymore. Sometimes I need to stretch in the morning, you know. And I'm like, God, I remember my mom saying that, oh, God, it's happening to me. It's good enough. I don't need to be anything other. than what I am, which is perfectly imperfect because I'm human. And I think, you know, we have to, if we're struggling, the social media aspect of it is

really important, you know, and I always bang on about that. Like, take away those people that look perfect on your feet. It's unhelpful. It's unhelpful. Step away from it. Not good. Yeah. No one's doing it perfectly.

That's the first time that I felt it since being a mom. I didn't really, I never, maybe because I really felt like I healed my relationship with my body and stuff before I got into socials in the way that, you know, we use them now. But I think it's my, it's the area that you feel insecure that you, and there are like a couple of women, but I looked to and I'm like, fuck. Like they had kids the same time when I talked about it last time with you, that you just compare yourself, oh, how they're doing this and they're having nights away and they're doing all that. And it's because I know it. I'm aware enough to know it's because I'm insecure in my new role because I haven't been doing it very long and I haven't really worked. out where I'm at and I think I've got full confidence and then there's a there's a there's a oh shit and then I trip over something and then and then when you're feeling vulnerable it's so easy

to just because you're human yeah yeah but also these people you know a lot of I don't know who you're talking about specifically and that's fine I don't want to but I want to say from what no I love Molly May probably Molly May leave her yeah get your get her name at your mouth Molly Mays um she's my love Molly she's my No, no, we do. She doesn't know I exist. She had her baby. She's entirely unaware of her.

She completely unaware of her. She completely unaware, but she had her baby like a week before me. Did she? Yeah. And I, I, you know, when you just, I don't know, when I was pregnant, I was like, oh, she's also pregnant. So I'll be like, oh, she's just like, you know, we're on the same path. And then she had, like, very different paths now, just because her house is all beige and mine's all messy. But, but actually, she's not what I can, because I know her job, like, I get her job is, is what it is.

and we're just complete she's like 20 minutes old like different people that's not that it's like I don't actually do it with her but it's actually the more but it's I make it up I project I make up that's exactly yeah right because you see a picture I mean I don't know about Molly May's pictures you're talking about I'm talking about anybody right no I didn't mean that I love Molly May sorry I didn't mean that I think we all have the Molly May love right let's just admit that we'll love her

but you can look at a picture on Instagram right of anybody and go, oh my God, but you don't understand that behind that picture, they're suffering probably with anxiety. They're like having issues or they maybe got on the scales. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm four pounds of it, right? But they're not talking about that bit. Yeah. And so what we're doing is looking at the picture and going, oh, my God,

they're so far ahead of me. Like, stop, yeah. Stop, stop. And if you can't do it, don't be looking at it. Yeah, yeah. Don't be looking at it. And it's so true that it comes from self-doubt. I'm not triggered by bodies anymore, like how people look on Instagram.

I'm not triggered. I could see anyone in anything, and I just don't care. I'm like, good for you, good for you, good for you, don't care. And do you remember when I was a few weeks in, again, a girl who had a baby the same time as me? And I'm still only 10 weeks in, but a girl who had a baby the same time as me. And like, I think it was two weeks in. And she was going to press, she was going out to work stuff and taking her baby with her and going out to cafes and getting dressed. And I was like, I can't even fathom stepping outside.

of my house with the baby like I went for a walk and we went home after 10 minutes because I was so scared that he was too cold you know what you don't see is this person may have put that picture up but what you don't know is 10 minutes later she could be sitting in a cafe crying her eyes out right in her mom going I can't do this anymore I just can't yeah I just don't I just don't know so this is why we've got to you if we're going to go on to social you've got to have your brain intact first it's like what you said when I did my work around my body image. I remember like opening up Vogue. I love Vogue,

right? And I remember opening up after I done my work and going, oh, all these girls are 50. Like, of course they look like that. It didn't affect me at all. No. And I was like, wow. Because before that, it was like, oh my God, her legs are long and my la-na-na-da. And it's like such a waste

of your brilliant brain space. Yeah. Such a waste of your brain. And I feel like that's a hard. I mean, you know, I don't want to like go off topic. But like I'm going to. I just feel like if people really understood the power of their brains they would utilise them in such better ways

like you would like you'd get into bed and read a book and you wouldn't be on the daily mail do you know what I mean like use your brilliant brain to do amazing things in your world and your life like don't be doing that other stuff on but that's why I think it's important to talk about I know people do talk about the you know the social media

you know, not showing a true, you know, snapshot of people's lives. But it's important to talk about that because, you know, I've thought about it and done so much work about comparing myself to other people. But still, when I saw those pictures, like, I didn't think to myself, oh, well, there's another side to this. What I'm seeing isn't the entirety of her life, of her day, of what's going on with her. You know, and I think that's so it's, we have to keep being reminded of that. So maybe what you could do.

what we're seeing. Yeah, and maybe a tip for that for people that are listening are move the icon on your phone into a different place, right? So that you don't automatically go to that place, right? So you've moved it to like the second page or third page of your phone, right? Which will remind you,

oh, okay, before I go there, I must remember that what I'm about to look at is going to be curated art that isn't real and then I'll go on it. So like put a step into that place that can wake you up before you go into that mindless, oh, it's there on my phone and off I go and then I don't give myself the opportunity

to realise what I'm about to do. Is there an element there then of you're avoiding it? No, you're being conscious of what you're doing. I'm not into avoiding. It's like when you've got a tricky family member, right? Like, I'm not into avoiding. Ideally, we don't. Ideally, we learn how to manage that in our minds.

Going back to the pressure thing, if people are listening and it's like, so you need to take something off your plate or whatever, but if you're listening and you've got like a mad, busy job and a kid and a whatever, that's the thing a lot of the time for people. If they, there's literally nothing they can do, this is just their situation. I don't, I don't agree there's nothing people can do. First of all, let's take it right back to. These are all your choices, right? You choose to go to work because you no doubt choose to pay mortgage, right? But that's a choice. You don't have to go to work, but then you don't pay your mortgage. You need your home.

That's your choice too. But you're not choosing that. You're choosing to go to work to pay your bills, right? First of all, that's a choice. You don't have to do anything. You're choosing to have children. Yeah. That's your choice.

But once you've already done it. But it was your choice to keep a baby, right? But that's your choice. Yeah. Okay. Currently, I mean, we're talking about London, right? I'm not talking about because I don't know about other areas and rules and regulations I'm talking about here, right?

Let's just be clear because, you know, I'm sure there'll be someone that will go, it's not my choice. in this country and blah, blah, right? So let's just talk about England. So these are choices. Yeah. You have chosen to have a baby. Right. That's your choice. Yeah. Okay. So with whatever comes with that is what comes with that. But be gentle with yourself. Yeah. Right. They're choices. So people will be triggered by that. Can we just explore it? Sure. Because people will say, okay, so I made the choice to have a kid and I know that you're going to break this down and I need you to break this down because I have heard this so many times. So people say,

well yeah it was my choice but does that mean i'm not allowed to complain or i didn't know it was going to be this hard and it is hard it's really fucking hard people you could it's really fucking hard and you made the choice to do it so when i make choices to do things that are really fucking hard because guess what that's called real life yeah right when i make those choices to do fucking hard things that's how i grow and how i mentally deal with that is on me I'll sit around and about it. Your decision, I'm not saying anything's right or wrong. Yeah.

Right. You do, you. Yeah. And life is full of hard choices, guys. Welcome. Unless, of course, you don't do anything, in which case is probably not hard, right? But people that do want to elevate and push and grow and even live, right? It's hard.

There's a cost of living crisis, right? Like, it's hard to pay bills. Everything's a nightmare, right? Like, it's hard sometimes. And what are you going to do? can do with that? Sit and go, well, I didn't. No, da, da, da, you can. Good for you. Yeah. Waste of energy. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah. I would say, use your brain correctly. Look at the choices you've made, except that life is difficult and try to find ways to think about those choices that make

you feel better. Yeah. And actually, it's quite a nice thing because when you say like you chose to have a baby, then you do go back to like, because instantly when I hear that, I think, oh, yeah, like, what a treat, lucky me. And it's such a nice, it's like a nice, rather than like, oh, I have to get this and this and this done so that I can be home in time for childcare and this is so difficult and this is blah la la you actually just go back to like oh yeah I've got right and then you can even go to a second layer of that which is okay all right I'm struggling it's hard I haven't slept I want to cry this is difficult right let's just start there okay like this is really fucking hard fine we start there the next step is saying okay admittedly this was my choice to have this baby I chose to do it

and so this is now my responsibility the second step to that is this is amazing. I've got this is a miracle babies are miracles we're miracles think about how we're even here right it's your parents

that have to meet and their parents and their parents and we're talking hundreds of millions of years like miracle miracle so how beautiful right whenever things get really tough yeah for me

I will always bring it right back which is like so for you guys it's like how amazing I've got this miracle in my arms this is a miracle and today is today I just have to worry about today

and it's all going to be all right today is a miracle I've got a miracle and it's so much happier again I feel emotional to walk through the door to greet this baby than to walk through the door and not have this baby

bring it back bring it back my hormones are bring it back is what I'm saying it's like you know this is what I'm saying about the power of your brain right and of course it's overwhelming and of course it's exhausting all of these things are true life is it really can be like none of us are immune to that right it's okay to cry because it's exhausting

being a mum it's exhausting i hear it all the time right and we can only do the best we can do and all the things we worry about like it's unlikely that they're going to happen right You know what I mean? Like, just keep it in the day. Yeah. It's a miracle you've got. Yeah. You're going to make me cry. I'm feeling emotional.

I don't know why. What's making you emotional there? I mean, my hormones are particularly at the wall right now. Do you need a cuddle? But also, I think I just, I mean, I came into this session being like the session. For you and said, I came into this recording thinking, oh, I don't think I have anything really to talk to. jack about and now I'm like oh how long are you going to stay for the reason I think go on I mean it's there's like two main things it's like guilt and then the anxiety and what you're saying about

like just staying in the day and staying in the moment like I'm really trying hard to do I think you know when you were having some tears just now my gut feeling on that was just that because I could feel that you're so in your head that when I say to you keep it in the daylight you've got a miracle it felt like to me everything just drop down and you're like

yeah yeah definitely I'm a bit witchy like that I can feel it and you know the thing is it's like yeah and the thing is this is why I bang on and on and I know I know everyone manage your mind your mind is really powerful it's going to make your day or break your day right it's going to make

your life calm and chilled or it's going to make your life anxious and worried what you're doing in your mind is very normal people do that it's okay it's just bringing it back again right it's like an elastic band it's bringing it back again and being putting things throughout your day in place to remind yourself to be conscious just to turn it down a level you know recovery was a big part learning, which was there saying, you know, and it's the, it's the thing that got me clean just for today. And in the beginning, when you can't stop using drugs, it's like literally half an hour. If I can just get to 11 o'clock, it's 10.30, and I don't use, then I'll just do that. And sometimes it's about just breaking it down, just breaking it down, just for today,

just for today, just for today, I can do anything just for today. And we layer the pressure on ourselves, don't we? And we layer all these, oh, God, I got to do this, I got to do that. And he's not there, isn't it? Just tone it down. It's all going to be all right. Life has a miraculous way of working out. I used the example before. Like, oh, you've got to get up and you've got to go to it. And it feels like you've got all this pressure and everything feels so massive. And you've got deadlines and you've got a wedding this weekend and you've got there in life. Like can feel so intense. And like you just don't catch your breath. And like, I don't think I've sat down comfortably for like three or four days. I told you I haven't eaten a vegetable

in like I don't even I can't remember what I've eaten like I just have like the most mad few days but it's like I can feel this like this calmness when you're like it's just today and then I'm like oh my God it's just today and then I can think yeah rather than thinking about my whole life which feels so mad right now I can be like well I've just got this and then at one I've got this and then it's like nice then I'm like oh and then and it just feels so much calmer it's like being given permission it's literally like being given permission and that's what I want to work on is like being able to give permission to myself because yeah I've I feel it.

When you say it, I feel it. But when I tell myself, I don't necessarily feel it. Maybe I just need to record you saying it. Maybe you need to do the work on doing it for yourself, right? Because that's really important. And if you haven't eaten a vegetable for seven days or four days. Green shake. Yeah, but you know what?

That's all right too. This is what you're about with perfectionism. Like, you know what? It's okay. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's okay.

When we had this session the other day, I thought, and I always think I'm going to be. be in trouble and there's definitely some, we don't need to go into why that is. That's the next podcast. But yeah, I always think, like, I haven't been practicing hard enough and I haven't been doing the work hard enough. And actually, if I take stock, the difference that you've made to my life is so massive. And like, are you kidding? Like, are you kidding? Like, I honestly, I'm a completely different person. I'm so free of the judgment of other people now. I really,

particularly since having Arlo and we had that one session just before she was born and we talked about it and the minute she was born I was like oh they can not get fucked like just get and I really feel that now and like I've really you've got me there with that and we've got me there with that and then with the with the circumstantial stuff where I used to panic where I used to worry about the future I don't do that anymore because I just can't be bothered I just think it's a waste of my energy and you've taught me that I get that choice great but this feels like the hardest and I think it's because I see all the tools that you've given me and I've seen that I what I I know what I have to do

but this feels like my final like this is stuck on it's the deep one for you and it's the cool work and that's the beauty of having a relationship like we do in coaching where you know you can pop in and pop out of it and when you're ready to do this next part you'll phone me and we'll do it

right we'll like do it do it right and this and this is about pulling down the layers right like the first layer was this and then the second layer and now we're into that core deep part yeah it's so interesting isn't it because it was like the first layer was like other people and then the second layer was like the future and the anxiety and then it's just like

and they do feel so external now looking at them yeah but this final bit this but it's not final I hate it I hate it no sorry not but there's always stuff this next bit just feels so I feel so close to it because I can see it and it's just it's this fear

and I but the thing that I can't work out yet is I got before I got that I was scared of not being liked and I got before that I was scared of bad things happening like I you know I understood the anxieties that but this bit I'm like what am I scared of like and I can't am I scared of being a bad mom but no because I I genuinely believe I'm a really good mom like it that feels so right to me get into coaching I keep banging on about it yeah you know I think it was Einstein that said and I don't quote me on this I think it was Einstein that said you cannot

fix the problem with the same mind that created it yeah okay right it's like that and you know to me that was so brilliant because I'm like but I can do this and I can do this and I can do this and I can do that, you know, but why can't I do this thing? And sometimes when our brain gets stuck on this patterning of thinking, it's very hard to crack it ourselves. It's very hard. Yeah. So sometimes, you know, we've got to look at a being in a place like that and go, I actually need a bit of help. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah. Like when I do, there'll be so many tears because I feel scared of it. Like, I feel like I'm right there with it. But I can't work it out. But it feels very like. That's exciting, though. It's really exciting. I'm not really just yet, give me a month or so.

Whenever you're ready, I'm not sitting here going. Whenever you're ready. Or not. I feel very close to it. But like this conversation has really made me, I don't know, feel like, it's within grass, which is cool. Really cool. Yeah. But that's a great place to be in.

And that's the space of either we elevate and grow by getting our help and doing our work or we sit in it for another, not saying right or wrong, but like, well, you sit in it for a year or two or three or four, you know, like up to you. How do you want to live your life? I keep saying this to Georgie at the moment. you were saying it before but it's like I keep saying it online it's so good and it's like stuff like getting better is hard but hurting is hard too so you just have to choose your hard

yeah it's like saying that quote isn't it of like it's harder to remain tight in the bud than it is to bloom yeah and it's so true because there comes a time where you are ready because it's painful yeah right pain can push you into growth a lot of the time like do you not feel pressure so much now. In what way pressure? Like this life pressure. You know, when I was describing before, like, oh, I've got to do this and blah, like, do you ever, and you, no, because everything I do is my choice. So you just wake up in the morning, like, yay, today. I'm not into like, oh, hurrah, I wake up in the morning and the flowers are flowering. It's not Disney World, right? But what I will say is, I, and I've said this before on this forecast, I hit a level that one should

never hit through my addiction. So I am someone who is very grateful to be alive, right? So I start there, right? I have a real gratitude for life, right? So I do wake up probably a bit more positive than most people because I can open my eyes, right? And I've got a roof over my head. And, you know, I'm not living in the place I used to live in when I was an act of addiction. So already I've got massive gratitude for life. And second of all, I will say that, you know, I am not immune to life happening right i have exactly the same stuff that a lot of people have you know i i i'm a busy girl i run my my my private practice i run my school you know i've i live between two different places like life's busy i've got elderly parents i've got blah blah blah right so that i'm not immune to life

happening around me but what i am well versed and practiced in is managing my mind around it so when you say do i feel pressure i'm going to say no because Even through all of the stuff that happens, I say to myself, all of these things are my choices, which doesn't mean I'm like happy all the time. And sometimes I'm like, oh, for fuck sake. What if you make the wrong choice? I don't believe in making the wrong choice. That never enters my brain. So you didn't have regret. No. That's nice. Because how could I be here? Like every single thing I've thought and said and done has brought me to this moment. Yeah. So, none of it was wrong. Yeah. That's so nice because I think it's little things. Like I got on a really busy train this morning. I was like, ah, the inclination is to get annoyed.

And then you catch yourself and you're like, well, it's stupid to be annoyed because I can, I'm on the train either way, so I'm going to either be happy on the train or annoyed on the train and I'd rather be happy on the train, so I'm going to be happy on the train. But again, I've only done that because of coaching because that's the sort of thing that sets people's days off wrong.

But that's true, right, how cool that I've got a train I can jump on. It's going to take me 10 minutes instead of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, being late, being in a car. Like, how cool is this, right? Not beautiful. Yeah. There might be, you know, people that I might find a little bit interesting to be

so loosely, but how cool that? I've got a 10-minute journey instead of a 45-minute journey. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Right? It's such a wonderful. Or not. Or not.

Or, yeah, or you can say, I hate my life. I can't believe we've got to get a train. This is so deprotty. Oh, God. How do you want live? Yeah. Which isn't also going, oh, I'm seeing. so happy, I've got to jump on a train and it's so wonderful, right? That's not, I'm not into that,

you know, this whole happy, clapy, positive thinking, your way through it. Like, you've got to believe thoughts you're choosing. That's the key. Yeah, you can't just smear on the, right, right, right. Right. So, yeah, and, you know, as I said, like, do I feel, going back to it, do I feel pressure? I feel like sometimes real life happens and, you know, I, I hate things like red tape and blah blah and like those things you know but also like I will find ways to think about things so that I don't feel pressure I love that that's exciting that's an option it is totally an option I love spending time with you me too makes me feel so hopeful and happy yeah I mean that's lovely I don't really you know I'm thank you but but you don't care right because it

doesn't well it's just it's it's lovely right didn't mean that but like no no no but like I always I kind of love that you're just like yeah either way whether you like spending time with me or not it doesn't matter to me well it's not let's not like it's not oh it doesn't matter to me

it's just like that's lovely that you guys like to spend time with me and I love to spend time with you guys right like I love these conversations you know and that's great and I also can't control whether you do love them or you don't love them right so I can't jump into that space I see I feel like I feel like

I'm just about to go there. No, yeah, I just, I think, I think it's, I think, I think, I think, I'm very black and white with my thinking, right? So I'm like, how do you enjoy that we say, oh, we love spending time with you? Yeah. Without it making, without, without that contributing to your, like, your value. Because you both don't define my value. What?

Right. Rude. I know. So rude. As I say, like, some people will listen to this podcast and be like, oh, my God. I love what Jack has said and other people are going to be like she talks a load of shit

I can't control any of that like all right yeah okay I remember Eckhart Toll had caught talking once I remember this I think I will and it was like he was saying he did this talk and in the talk he said you know there will be

one person here sitting in this room who's going to say that I've said something wrong yeah and so they're going to be stuck in their ego and the ego is going to clamp onto he said X and he that was wrong yeah and they're going to miss his whole talk and that's a difference between living from like your soul and living from your ego right yeah so there will always be people that will clamp onto something that we say and they believe is wrong and that's okay that's their journey yeah but it doesn't mean that I have to

wobble because I might not agree you're so stable do you know how long it's I want to be stable Yeah, but, you know, it took a lot of work, guys. Like, you know, it takes a lot of work. Like, it takes a lot of work. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's important to do the work to become that way. For me, it was, right? And I think it's good to know and for people to hear that you haven't always been like this.

Like, you weren't born being like this, like not caring what people think. Like, this is totally the opposite. And it means that it's possible for all of us as well, which is cool. I mean, I started my journey at 25 years old when I got clean and I'm a little bit older. you know like it takes time and it takes work but when you do that foundational work right like you've been doing you know that it's you it grows right you start to feel more stable and you start to feel calmer and you start to feel more you know relax you can breathe a little bit more more space you know like that work is important to do I don't recognize myself

from before Jack yeah like I'm the volatility like I feel I feel I feel and I know I don't appear stable to a lot of people. Like, I know that my energy levels make me quite volatile in kind of in energy. Like, I get that when people would look at me, they think, oh, she's chaos. Like, I do appreciate how I'm perceived. Maybe. Maybe not. Yeah, but sorry, it's also feedback I received quite a lot. But I get that.

I do understand. Which is still not about you. I agree. But, like, I understand that, but I think actually at my core, I don't feel that that's, that aligns. I think, yeah, like my energy and I know, it's ADHD or whatever, but I actually feel so much, if I look back at the, the girl who came to you, that was a very volatile person. Very different. Because my, it was all my ego and so insecure and wobbly. So wobbly. Whereas now, although I fluctuate in loads of ways, my, the core of who I am, feel so much more

established. Definitely. The foundations are stronger but also I just want to say like you you say oh I might come across as like all over the place. My thoughts around it and again people might disagree with me in this is I think you come across as very real and I really I like as I get as I get older and as I go through the journey of you know all of this work I just I just love real people today like real is like the word of you know the last few years and it gets more real and more real and more real right you know and real i can relate to you know and it feels good yeah and that's okay yeah right so maybe instead of looking for perfection we look for being real yeah love that yeah i love you you're so great i mean we're going to end this in the way we always end

this with we come back please i would love to come back next week i would and you know i'm always i was saying to you before in Pratt, like, you know, you were like, thanks for coming. And I'm like, I'm so genuinely, truly honoured to be invited in to have these conversations. And I'm really grateful for the space that you allow me to come in and talk, you know, and share this information with people to know that whatever they're struggling with, you know, they can get better. And it helps a lot of people. We have the feedback to prove it. It's lovely. We love you.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. It's like mutual love. Look at us all feeling emotional now. I don't, sorry. I'm not ready to go again. I won't do that.

All right. Thanks for having me. Thanks, Jack. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. Should I delete that is part of the ACATCREATM network.