Should I Delete That? - Just Us: Wedding weight loss pressure and the parent-childfree ’divide’

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

Today, we’re diving into the inbox… look at us adding some structure to the occasion! There’s an email about wedding weight loss pressure and how to handle it when people positively reinforce drastic weight loss. We also go into detail about how difficult it is to maintain friendships when some of your friends have kids, and some of you don’t. They're big topics which we think a lot of you to will be able to relate to - so we hope this episode is helpful in some way if you're dealing with similar issues.Do you have any advice that you’d like to share? Or is there a question that you’d like to ask us? You can email us on [e-mail] We’re heading to Edinburgh for our biggest live show ever. We’ll be taking over the iconic Usher Hall for one night only on 3rd September. Head to SIDTLive.com for more information and to purchase tickets.Follow us on Instagram:@shouldideletethat@em_clarkson@alexlight_ldnShould I Delete That is produced by Faye LawrenceStudio Manager: Dex RoyVideo Editor: Celia GomezSocial Media Manager: Sarah EnglishMusic: Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, and welcome back to Should I Delete That. I'm Em Clarkson. I'm Alex Light. And after last week's shit show of a Just Us episode, we've decided to bring some structure to the occasion. We've got some emails. We do. I've got one here that says Sisters Wedding Weight Loss Help.

That's the... Okay. What's it called? Subject line. Okay. Am I all right? It's been a while since I've opened my ear. emails clearly. Do you want to know how many I've got? No, not really. No, I don't want to either.

Fine, I'll tell you. It's 12,000. Hello. I've listened to the podcast from the very beginning and absolutely love the content you both produce. Thanks, didn't need to read that but out loud, shouldn't I should have read ahead. I'm, uh, it's a humble brag. I just wanted to write in to see if you currently have any advice of a situation I'm in. I got a lot of words mixed up in that sentence, but I'm hoping she's going to be fine with that. Got the sentiment. Fine. I'm one of three girls and my sisters and my very best friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. One of my sisters is getting married in the next few months.

She's been losing weight drastically through swimming world. She's dropped three dress sizes and it feels like the whole world around us is commenting, both to her and to me and my other sister, on her body saying how well she's done and how good she looks. I'm a recent mum of two and my other sister is plus size. We both tried to consume a lot of positive body image content, absolutely loved your series and feel pretty good about the way we look. but this season is really starting to get the both of us down.

I recently went to her wedding dress fitting. She bought the dress when she was bigger, so it needed a lot of changes. And from start to finish the appointment, the talk was solely on how much weight she lost and how much better the dress looks now. Things like, you can go and have some cake now, you've got no back fat now, you look beautiful

and you're such a skinny mini now, came from our mum, her mother-in-law to be and the seamstress. I just stood there quiet, feeling deeply uncomfortable and not wanting to join in, but not wanting to appear unsupportive. I'm worried that my sister's sole focus at the moment is her weight and what she looks like and that if she puts the weight back on at any point

the comments being made now are going to be what will cause her to hate her body in the future when it inevitably changes. My other sister and I are finding it really hard to be constantly surrounded by all of the weight chat. We have each other to talk to which makes it so much more manageable but more and more we're finding ourselves getting into our cars after spending time with our sister and just crying

about some of the comments she makes such as look how fat I was in this picture. We don't know how or if we should even mention that the weight chat makes us uncomfortable. We don't want to make it about us when we're so excited about her wedding. Do you guys think we should just say something or keep quiet and hope this noise dies down when the wedding season is over? I'd love to get my sister to listen to your body image series and have mentioned it to her a few times, but she's not listened. I think listening would

completely change her mindset and help her to start thinking about her body differently, but I don't even know how to start introducing that mindset to her. Thanks for the help. It's a lot, isn't it? It's a lot. This is so hard. I'm encouraged that the person writing that email doesn't feel like they need to change their body. That's where I thought it was going. Yeah, me too. And I'm so, so pleased that it didn't go that way. Yeah.

And actually it's just about concern for her sister. Yeah. I think that's so nice. And I really, like, the woman writing this in should be so proud of herself for all the work that she's done and how far she's come and that she can recognize that how she feels and what she's doing is healthy for her and her body. And, you know, behaviours that are in contrast to that are not healthy. Oh, yeah, not necessarily healthy. I think she can speak to her sister. I think she can do it in a really gentle way.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be a sit-down intervention. But it can be like really gentle comments like, you know, you look great. But just so, you know, you looked great before. And like, to me, you look just as great as you did before. Yeah. I do think, I do think, like, we have to be honest in that it's going to be, when you're in that headspace, especially with a wedding coming up

and everyone around you that's fixated on how much weight you've lost and how thin you are, I think it's very difficult to get out of that head space and probably won't be in so much further down the line. If you're there to support her, if she does put the weight back on again, which may well happen,

realistically, let's be honest, because that's what tends to happen. If you can support her through that weight gain journey then, and you've preempted, that with saying, you looked great before. There was nothing wrong with you before. I just need you to know that in amongst the noise of you look amazing. I just needed you to know that within that, you looked great before.

Yeah. I think positioning yourself now as a safe space, you and your sister as a safe space for her without those comments. Because like you say, when, you know, she's hearing it from your mom and her future mother-in-law and it seems just she probably won't see afterwards. But when you hear from a lot of people in your life, you look amazing because you've lost weight. they will be the people that she will probably be quite ashamed to see if she did put it back on again. I know I certainly would be.

So I think positioning yourself and your sister as being people who are completely removed from that conversation who have loved her completely throughout all of the versions of her and will continue to do so will mean that she will hopefully feel safe with you in the future because it's like I think shame is obviously such a big part of this cycle. We've seen it so many times. And I worry a lot of seeing. so many people losing so much weight, obviously, at the moment. And you worry then what will

happen if things change. And so I think being, yeah, being there for her always now. And it doesn't, you know, you might just be playing a really long game. But I'm always really stressed by this. I mean, like, I say it as a joke, but like, you know, I've got that massive picture of myself from my wedding day in my kitchen. Yeah. I mean, it's literally huge. It's bigger than life size. I look so good. on my wedding day and I troll myself every single morning when I walk in. I'm like, oh God, that like, and it's a stupid thing. But it's like, you know, when you come in and you look, in your normal day to like life, you don't look like you do on your wedding day. And, you know,

like I put weight on. Fine. I don't do my hair. Like, you know, things change. You, I didn't lose weight in the lead up to my wedding, but I did a lot of good skincare and I did a, you know, I had amazing makeup and I had all these things. You probably won't ever look as good as you did on your wedding day. Yeah. So for me, when I'm reminded of that every day, I'm reminded of that every day. I'm like, good, gold. I have a life-sized version of myself to compare myself to. And I say that as a joke because it was fine and whatever. But I, like, I do, I'm very aware that people go through really big changes before their wedding. That's, that's quite a painful reminder then. Well, it's also hard to look back on a day that is so special, such a huge

moment in your life and to not recognize yourself. Of course. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. Because for a lot of people, they transform, they transform, like, the, the transfer formation is huge. And then in the majority of cases, they put most of the bait back on. Yeah. Not through any fault of their own. That's just what happens. How it goes.

It's biology, baby. Yeah. But it's so hard to look back on, yeah, this huge moment in your life and think, that doesn't even look like me. Yeah. I think you're right. I think saying it now, just gently and playing a long game. And also maybe try and coaxing your mum into that safe space as well.

You know, because it sounds like her mom is, one of the, she's kind of leading the charge with, you look so great, you're a skinny, mini saying all of these things. Boomers baby though. And that can be a very difficult conversation and also one that's not, that might not go anywhere because it's very difficult. Like that generation, it's, it's indoctrinated. So it's very, very difficult.

If any boomers are listening, I'm sorry, I don't mean that's a generalisation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, yeah, it was very intense for that generation. So, but you can, you can. talk to your mum just like really gently and like super compassionately and just be like hey look like if she if she put some weight afterwards this is going to be really hard for her can we towed it down yeah on that you look so good you lost so much weight you look amazing can we strip that back and like keep the compliments of something other than her weight yeah

like that dress looks amazing on you yeah not because you lost weight it just looks amazing on you it's just a beautiful dress it's a beautiful dress yeah oh god wedding season man it's chaos I know I know it's so hard There's like, there's a new TikTok trend called Bride Alarms. Okay. Let me guess. Go on. Let me guess. Let me guess.

Are they like really big and pink like big hands? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's like big joints. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Yeah. Is it like visible muscles? Is that it? Is that it like so strong. Yeah. That's it. That's the one. Or is it like a twig?

No bingo. I don't want bingo wings. In this, um, trend it's like people, girls don't want to look at themselves front on and for their arms to have a bulge. I got one of those. I mean, I think when I was at my absolute thinnest, I probably still had one of those. Like, they want them to go like that straight.

This isn't good for the medium of audio. But they want them to go straight up and down. They don't want them to come out of the body. Oh, please. That is my... Which is impossible. I have the opposite agenda. I am currently working so hard on my biceps.

It's obscene. I have decided I want the biggest arms going. like I'm what yeah I want the opposite my arms very much go out and long may that continue but honestly I think when I was up my thinness they would still go out because that's what just happens with arms

exactly it's an assamy it's literally anatomy I know yeah it's so annoying no one's doing it to men no one cares about groom arms it's so tiring what a groom arm's gonna be so long, strong

so they can carry their little lady wives so annoying see men don't have to be struggle if they're like tiny little bird women you know what I mean they can just fling them up Patriarch is going to Patriarch Yeah, no, I'm on the big arm train

I'm really like, I'm really trying And I do want to say Like as someone who didn't lose I don't think I lost a pound for my wedding I don't think I can't really remember That's good But then that goes to show, I don't remember

I don't remember That aspect of my wedding But I don't I don't look at the photos and go God I was so thin then I look at the photos and think That I just look lovely I mean I've had a baby

since I've put on weight. It's a different body, obviously. But I didn't have any regrets about not losing weight. I will just say for anyone that I had no regrets about not losing weight. I felt really good on the day. I felt good looking back at the photographs. Me too. I didn't regret for one second trying to like change myself into something that wasn't me.

Oh my God, no. The night before my wedding, I had the biggest bowl of mushroom pasta. The night before that I went out and had like a sushi feast. I don't know why I behaved like. I was like, Henry the 8th. Like, I ate so well when we give my wedding. And I remember everyone being that, oh no, you'll lose weight with stress. It's like, what? Like, that's, that couldn't be me. Also, I stress eat. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I was like, oh, you'll drop a plan on, I'm exactly the same. See, I didn't eat well before my wedding or a few days before because I was terrified that was going to get food poisoning. So I ate the

rational fear. Blandest diet because I was scared that I was going to get food poisoning and miss my own wedding. Why would you get food poisoning and miss their own wedding? Why wouldn't you? Why would you? How often do you get food poisoning? How often do you get food poisoning? Poisoning. Probably had it like twice in my life. Yes, it would be incredibly unlucky. I didn't, I ate the, I'm telling you, like, plain pasta for days leading up to it. Because I was all packaged stuff, because I was terrified I was going to get food poisoning.

That's giving Charlotte and sex in the city. It is, isn't it? You know how that ended? She shat herself. She shat herself, yeah. Oh, that's crackers. I was on my period for my wedding. Were you?

That was the last period I've had, that was literally the last period I've had in the last, like, three years. Is it? Yeah. Oh my God. I had like half a one between my best. babies. Didn't even count. It was like two and a half days. Yeah, it's insane, isn't it? Wow. Yeah, it was like my last, I think it's time to get back there. Do you? Well, I don't know. I mean, I need to finish breastfeeding and stuff, but like at some point. Can it come when you're

breastfeeding? It does for some people, just not me, okay, which is obviously amazing. I'm not willing it back. I just, I think, I think it's probably, I'm approaching a time in my life when a bit of regulation mightn't go on this. Yeah. Does it, does it not come back when you're breastfeeding because the body doesn't want you to get pregnant while you start breastfeeding. Yes, nature's contraceptive. That's so cool. In theory. I mean, God, the body's amazing.

I mean, yeah, it's not. It is not a fail-save contraceptive. But generally, that's the logic. That's why you don't. It's also why you have, I think I said this a couple of weeks ago, when I was talking about the ADHD thing. It's why we have low levels of dopamine, breastfeeding women have low levels of dopamine

because they don't want you seeking risk. It's the way of keeping you safe. And, you know, like, you're not going to go and make lots of babies. You're not going to go skydiving. You're going to stay home and look. and look after your child, nurse your baby. Super interesting. It's like the way that babies are born looking like their dad,

so the dad's either don't run away or eat them. I don't know it's one of them. I mean, both great things for dads not to do. Two very, very good. Famously. Yeah, Barry is there. Don't eat me. We are so, like, humans are so clever.

Or so stupid. Like, how stupid is the man in this formula? Yeah, that they have to say like, yeah if we make it look like him you won't eat it yeah but i was thinking about this yesterday because i'm i'm because i'm a thinker because i love i'm one of like i'm one of the 21st century's best thinkers so we've heard 21st century didn't mean that did i did i did yes you did no you said 21st okay um i was thinking about this is just own goal every time the way that i know oh so sad um the way that the way that we and i mean this is relevant to this conversation is when we lose weight

When we lose weight, when we go on a diet. What's happening? When we lose weight or go on a diet, the brain gets hungry and it drops your metabolism. And this is all because of like it's an evolutionary thing. It's because it doesn't want us to like lose fuel stores. It recognizes instantly. Like you're losing fuel stores. It hates losing weight.

So it like does everything to bring us back up and like return us to like a set range. That's another thing with breastfeeding. You don't, I don't lose weight. and body fat. Some people do. I don't know anyone that has lost weight breastfeeding. No, I know one person. And she's like, I look at her bizarrely.

Her sister's sitting behind that curtain. I don't know anyone. Like any of my friends. I'm giving no context to the listeners. They've all said that breastfeeding just makes them incredibly hungry. Yeah, I mean, it does. So you need to eat an extra between three and 500 calories a day when you're breastfeeding. Makes sense.

Yeah, 100% it makes sense. I actually find that, like, I don't need to do that. Like, I'm really lucky my milk supply. I know a lot of people. have to be quite like quite deliberate with it that hasn't been the case of me i am lucky with my milk supply i have to drink a lot of water but i do not lose weight when i'm breastfeeding and like it's very slow i completely anticipate that what happened last time was i stopped breastfeeding and really within two weeks i lost like quite a substantial amount of weight which i thought

was incredible of the body that was just like wow like you we can stop panicking now yeah they hold on to and I was talking to Haley Madigan about this because I was asking, I was really interested in body. Oh, I went and got my body fat percentage measured. Did you? Very interesting. Yeah, I'm fascinated. But now I'm in like a really healthy. Where did you go for that? Oh, in my gym, they had a machine and I was like, oh my God, great. I'm, I am feeling, because I'm in such a good space where I'm like, like, honestly, give a fuck. Like, I've just had like my second kid and I'm running really far and I'm picking stuff up. I actually do not care. We're all about function, my friends. Anyway, so I'll go and find out. It is so

If you're in a good space, I actually do not recommend doing this if you are in a negative body space because it is very eye opening. But if you're in a good and curious spot, no harm in I suppose. But I looked at it and it was like showed me how much all my arms and my legs weigh. And like how much it's incredible. Like which how much muscle you've got in each limb like compared to the other. How much of it's fat. How much of it's water. It was fascinating. That's insane. Yeah. And I didn't, I only stood on the thing for like a minute and a half. It's interesting. I feel like unless you're an elite. athlete you don't need to know any of that I don't need to know any of it interesting no one will ever ask me anything Alex did it too and that was I've actually that was fascinating see but I remember going on one of those machines when I was when I was ill really ill and it came out that I was um athlete like an athlete and I wasn't I didn't I didn't do any exercise and I was just thinking I mean maybe those machines have come on since but it's he was like oh you're you're so fit and I was remember thinking like really not I guess that just fits into like a low body fat yeah yeah like sort of bracket yeah i don't know i just i was really i am really i was curious about

it because my boobs are massive yeah and then like you hold weight around your tummy and i don't know it's just really interesting also like to see like the muscles i don't know i think it's really really interesting looking at it from like a muscular thing and it weighs your bones that's crazy and shows you how much water is in your body which obviously because i'm breathed feeling those loads i don't know i found it really interesting but i actually saying all of that really wouldn't recommend it unless you're in like no super positive space or just super apathetic space where it's Well, you're like an elite athlete and you like need to care about things like that. In which case, they do not need me to tell them that they can get on these scales.

No, they're probably doing it already. They've probably got professionals on that. Shall we do another email? Anonymous please. Hi, love the pod. Thank you so much for it. Oh, that's nice to get thanked, isn't it? I actually have to say that anonymously.

I love that. Don't tell any of my friends that I like it. Okay. Oh, this is a biggie. Okay. How can we keep friends and not always be the one to suggest the meetups? Two of my friends have children, totaled between them four under four. We met up March, 2024.

I suggested meeting up in autumn. That got cancelled due to child illness. I suggested a meet up in January. We met up, but it was cold. We stood outside in the park. The children kept crying and as adults could barely talk. In Feb, I suggested an evening cinema meetup. They cancelled.

June, I suggested an evening meetup. They tried to make it date. time with the children. In between these times, I barely got a text message from them. I appreciate that they now have children and I don't, and their husbands often work weekends, but I know they do social stuff without their children. I wouldn't mind meeting up with their children if we all met up more than twice a year. In October, I'd even told one of them that in the summer I'd felt lonely as and I'd not seen many friends. Do I take the hint and accept that they don't want me as a friend anymore.

Babe. No. I don't think so. But I think you need to say I am really hurt by how this is, and you just write to both of them. Say as you've said, and I think we can expand on this now, both of us having had kids recently from maybe their perspective. But I think start by saying, because you have absolutely the right to say this and you've

got all the right to those feelings. And I think you're being very understanding given the circumstances. Yeah. But I think you should write and say. say, guys, I really do appreciate it and I'm trying really, really hard and I don't want to put any more pressure on you because I understand that you are under so much pressure and it's so much. But I have tried telling you that I'm lonely. And if you don't have the capacity for this friendship right now, that's okay. And I, and I can, I can take a hint and I can

but I would like to know if I need to go and make new friends or like if I need to go and push my energy into something else. Because at the moment this, yeah, This disappointment is hurting me. Yeah. And if that's how it has to be right now, I hope we can come back to each other one day. Yeah. But I can't keep doing this because it's hurting me too much. I think you are so within your rights to say that.

But I'm really sorry that it's got to this position. I know. It's so hard. Because when I first started reading it, I was like, oh, because this is how all of my friends, all of my friends had babies before me. And I felt really left out and pushed out. A lot of that was me was on me. Because I felt like I was doing something different from everyone else and I felt like

like I was just felt uncomfortable about it. But one friend in particular, she really sort of like went to ground when she had babies and I didn't hear from her and it was really hard to meet up. And I pulled myself away and I was like, I was really upset by it, really offended by it. And then I had Tommy and I was like, this is really hard. It is really hard. and a lot of the time, I understand now, a lot of the time that she wouldn't have been not wanting to see me. She's probably desperate to, she's desperate to see me.

No, she's probably desperate to like socialize. Yeah, socialize and spend time with people and not talk about kids. She's probably desperate for it. But having children doesn't, sometimes it just doesn't allow for that. It's really hectic. It's really hard and it often means canceling. And it often means you have no other choice but to cancel. Having said that, as I read down and I saw all the times that you've tried to meet up and they've cancelled and they are having, they're doing social stuff with other people, then I was like, okay, hang on.

Yeah. Yeah. They need to like book up. Yeah. It's a really interesting. One, actually. Since having two, I, yeah, since having my second, I've really struggled to socialise with my friends that don't have kids.

Unless, and it's the biggest caveat, they force themselves on me. and I am so lucky that my friends are doing that. Like Georgie comes over for bath. Like she came over last night for like bath and bed. If she wasn't prepared to do that, come over at 5.30, be with the kids when we're doing the stuff that we have to do every night. If she wasn't prepared to be a part of that, I just wouldn't be seeing her because our lives are so different.

So and even my friends who do have kids, like I've gone out for dinner once since Zanthi, was born and it was my friend who literally forced the situation she's got kids but she forced the situation on me and she came to my front door picked me up in her car drove me to dinner had me back within an hour and a half because of the breastfeeding like so in my head it's so easy to be like I'll get the kids to bed and then I'm going to socialise but like you say like it's it and I don't want to like make the excuse for them because it does sound really hard but it like I very much think they will be part of it I go to bed every night and I just want to like hang

my head in shame about what a bad friend I've been to so many of my friends. Do you know what I mean? Like I just, I'm so aware of it. It's not that it's like, and sometimes, you know, like, and maybe one of my friends will have watched me go out for dinner with Sophie and been like, well, she can go out for dinner with Sophie. And it's like, yeah, fuck. But like, when I, like, the parameters of that evening, first of all, everything aligned that the kids went down, and I could. But like, she forced that in the best way. So like, I don't want people, like, I don't know, because I don't want people to think with kids. They're like, oh, we're just, like, we've just gone off into the sunset and we're like,

oh, fuck our child free friends. I am so aware of the lack of effort that, even with my friends, with kids. I don't put enough effort into any of my friendships because I just haven't got enough left. Yeah. And I hate it. Yeah. There's not much capacity because it really is, it really is like, and in a way that I could have never understood before I had children, it's all-consuming.

No. Yeah. It is all-consuming. Yeah. Especially when they're young, I'm told that, like, when they're older and they start to become a little bit more independent and they're not so, like, needy with you. I mean, I've got, I have a very needy, I have a very needy, yeah, baby. But it's, it's all consuming.

If I had two, two-year-old, you know, a two-year-old and an one older than that, when Zanth is two, I imagine it will be easier. If I just had Arlo, at the point she's at now, we've got to. to a point where it's like, no, I can, I can, I can reasonably start expending energy in other places now. But it's really taken that long. And I don't know, I just, I, like, I, I hate it for my child. Like, my friend Sarah, like, she does, she moves heaven and earth to work around my, my, my kids and my life. And I spend 90% of our conversations apologising to her, because we only ever talk about me. And she only ever comes and is around my, my kids. And we have that

chaos, those conversations. And if these friends of mine weren't coming to my house. It's funny, isn't it? Because as you're talking, and I know it, I don't know, I'm just coming at it from another perspective of like, I feel jealous of you that you have friends that don't have kids. Yes. Because they can come to you.

They can work around you. Yes. I can't do that. And it's so difficult to like meet up with, I don't think I have many friends at all who don't have kids. Yeah. And it's just, it just makes it impossible. It does make it so, trying to get all your kids together.

It's impossible. It's so hard. It's really hard. Especially with, they've all got multiple kids and there's always illnesses and there's always something and it's just, or like a babysitter cancels or there's just always something. It's so hard. But then I also understand that it feels, it doesn't feel even that friendship then if they haven't got kids and they are like sort of bending around you.

And of course that's where this girl's email is coming from. It's like, because it isn't fair. It's not fair on Georgie or. on Sarah that they're boring so much into these friends into my into my friendship and I'm not being and I just have to hope that I'll be able to pour it back again one day in some capacity I mean maybe this is something that this friend could do I don't know if your friendships are like that to begin with so it might not be it might not feel comfortable but she could she could if she really if she wants to and this feels comfortable for her she could say like let me let me just come over

I'll do bed time and bath time with you and have a glass of wine yeah or have some dinner with you once they've gone to bed and then I'll leave. It really depends if you want that. I have to believe with Sarah and with G that they're like, they're my girl's got mums, that they want to spend time with the children. But not everybody does. No.

And I've got friends that don't want to and they don't. And that's fair enough. And I don't sit and resent them and be like, oh, fuck, like, where are they? It's like, well, they don't care. And like, why should they? Like, you know what I mean? Why should they? So that's the other consideration.

And I don't want this girl to feel like if she wants a friendship with people, she has to be the one that's bending over backwards all the time because I just think it's only going to work if she wants to do that. Definitely. And like, and, but if she's prepared to give more energy to it, I'd say that will be, I would imagine that would be so welcome. Yeah, I do too. By the other women. Yeah. Like, so welcome. Nothing makes me happier than one of my friends saying, like, I'm coming over, or Ross or whatever. I know. I know. I'm coming over for a half time. I'm like, oh, thank you. I would love, literally love that. Great. You know where the towels are. I'm just going to sit down here.

yeah but but you don't have you like I just I hate that there is this like child like the divide anyway and I do think there's such an imbalance with the friendships and I don't want I never want people I always just want to say to my friends like if you don't want this don't come like if you don't want please don't feel like you have this like there will become a point hopefully where our friendship can be look different can even out yeah sure But it's hard, it's really hard to know. It's so hard, yeah. But I would say for you, if you're feeling lonely, you know, beyond these friends,

and I'm not saying you have to lose them, but maybe you could put your energy into other places as well that make you feel a little bit more fulfilled and a little bit more. And I also think what you were saying earlier, like I don't think asking for clarity is a bad thing at all. No. It's just laying it out to them and being like, yeah, it's just to set my expectations. And I just, I need to, I just need to know.

They might be defensive. That's the only thing I will say. Yeah. If you received that message, do you think you would be defensive? No, I feel horrible. Yeah, I would too. I feel so horrible. But some people within their feeling, some people, when they feel guilty, get defensive.

Yeah. And that's the only thing I would say, manage, because if, like, I mean, I'm the same as you. If I got that email, I'd be like, right, I'm just so worse. I've had that from my friends. I've had messages from my friends recently, being like, you aren't giving me enough. This is not. Really?

Have you? Yeah. Yeah. I had a message. I had, yeah, I had a conversation with one of my best friends last summer. and I was pregnant and I was ill and I was a really shit friend and I was fucking heartbroken

because I knew it. But there was a part of me that was defensive because I want to say, yeah, but I'm really poorly and yeah, and I'm doing my best and I'm struggling and I'm, you know, and you want to say all of that. But sometimes you just got to swallow all of that.

But maybe that's what this, maybe that's what these women will come back with is that like I do really want to see you. I am just struggling with the kids and juggling everything in my life and none of it is intentional, you know, I'm not intentionally.

trying to not spend time with you. And it sounds like this girl will totally understand that. And actually, maybe that's what they need for their friendship. Communication. Communication for her to understand that and be like, okay, I get it. I will, I'm going to make it work. Yeah. I do think communication.

I don't think we do it enough within friendships. Like they are relationships at the end of the day. Yeah, they are. You know, the relationships that we're in with our partners. Yeah. Constant communications, constant arguments, constant disagreements, constant evolution. You have to pour so much into a relationship if you want it to work. You can't just meet a person and bump along with them forever and expect it to work.

And I don't think we treat platonic relationships with the same, like, realistic head. I don't think we think about it in the same capacity, and we should. And having kids is such a huge thing to happen to a platonic relationship. To any relationship. Yeah. It's a huge thing to happen to a human being. It's a huge thing to be in the periphery of. You need to set your new normal.

Yeah. And it's not one of you's right and not one of you's wrong. And I really don't like that there is such a divide between like child free and not child free. The child people are selfish and the child free people are selfish and the child free people it's happening. It doesn't have to be that. It's just complicated. It is complicated. And to communicate that. It's not. And there's got to be a lot of like bending and compromise and just making it work. And there is just a bit of sadness on both sides sometimes. You know, when I look at my child free friends, if they hang out without me or they go and do whatever, I get a little bit

sad. Or if I see one of my child free friends hanging out with another one of my friends with kids without me, whatever. Sometimes you can. Yeah. Yeah. It's really easy to get sad. Yeah. And I think like there's not enough said to that as well that we are all sitting there. probably feeling a bit sad sometimes about the shape of our friendships or the shape of our relationships and like you've got to talk it out definitely okay well good luck please give us an update and let us know how it goes I'm rooting for these these friendships yeah me too but also if you've got to let them go you've got to let them go because there is an out there is a part of that email that makes them something they might have just been really shit friends within all

that there is a possibility yeah there's nothing to do with the kids and they're just not being very good friends to you yeah and if that's the case then that's the case So be prepared to put that down too. But you deserve to feel safe and wanted within your environment. And you can be frustrated by it, you can be annoyed by it, you can feel that it's unbalanced sometimes. But at the end of the day, you need to feel valued. And that's all I can say reflecting on my friendships in this situation

is that I want to show those friends that I value them. And if you're not feeling valued, you've got to go. You've got to go. Okay, good luck. Good luck. We love you. Love you. Bye.

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