Should I Delete That? - Life after cancer with Georgie Swallow

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

This week, the girls are joined by creator, cancer survivor and close friend Georgie Swallow. At 26, Georgie was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin Lymphoma. Without any time to think, she had to jump into chemotherapy to save her life. The only way to get through the exhausting and devastating process was to remain positive and power through. Now, after a second diagnosis and treatment, Georgie is living life at her healthiest. However, this doesn’t mean that cancer doesn’t still cause her daily issues. From infertility to gut health issues, Georgie marches through each day, and as the girls say, all while exuding sunshine. Georgie uses her platform to spread joy, body confidence and share what life is like after cancer.Follow Georgie on Instagram @georgieeswallowFollow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] & edited by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If I'm going to be sad about something, why don't I find light and something else? It feels like wishing that those around you aren't having babies too and I'd never want that. Hello? Oh, God, that's horrendous. What are you? my elderly neighbour. Cut your sister's listening through headphones and I'm so sorry. That was painful.

Very bad. Hello. Oh God, great. It's a weird fucking owl from number six again. How are you? Hello. Hello. Hello.

I'm fine. Thanks. How are you? I'm good, thank you. Good. Tell me, let's start this Monday off with a smile. Something good, please. Something good?

Okay. Let me just refer to my notes because I can never remember. I have to weigh it all down. Oh, yes. This is my good. I feel like I found my people, my tribe. You know? Wow.

Your vibe attracts. tribe kind of thing. If there's anything to do with pistachias, I don't want to know. No, it's not. Okay. But I did just buy a fasciar cake, which I'm excited to try. Someone sent me this reel on Instagram and was like, I feel like you're the only person who gets this.

And the real is, P.O.V, you have reverse seasonal depression and are happiest in moody, gloomy weather. And the reel is just a bunch of beautiful winter scapes. I don't know if that's word. I knew you'd shit all over there's sunshine. I knew it. I was like, this is going to have. It's not my bad. I've got plenty of other bads today, but I knew my bad would be that you're shitting on the weather.

I am fully shitting on the weather. But I'm happy because I found my people. No one ever seems to agree with me. Everyone's always like, why are you being such a bitch, miserable bitch? And now I've found people, 118 people like that real. 118? Yeah, 118. 1.18. That means that there are people like me in the world. I am happy. There's a lot of people. After 7 billion. Yeah, well, how many people are going to have seen that real realistically? I could find out, I won't, I'm not petty. I'm so petty.

You're so petty. Okay. But there we go. You're good. Well, my good is partially the sun. No. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Right, that's not my good. My good actually, my good is you, because you last week found me vegan, white chocolate cookies, and they arrived in the post, and it was the post of dreams. You know how much I hate the post. I fucking hit, even parcels I don't open. But that, I saw a little cupcake on the packet. I saw a little sticker of a cupcake and I thought, this is too good.

I'll open that. I'll open that. I'm so happy that I did. They were so good. They were so good. So thank you so much. Al got me some white chocolate cookies because last week I said I hadn't had one in like 15 years.

And they were so good. And you said that Alex was going to buy you some and didn't. And then you were going to do it and you're like, it's so sad to buy it for myself. so it's like, right, I'll buy it them before. Thank you. It would have been sad to buy them for myself, but now, I don't even care. Like, I'm going to have to do a real-order. Yeah, they were called...

The bakery was called Vegan Antics. It was so good. It was like the perfect mix of crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside. Yeah, I've not eaten them all because I got eight, and it's only been two days. So I've not eaten them all, but I'm going to have one when I get home and I'm already excited. I'm going to sit in the oven and warm it up a bit. I have to say that I'm still a bit, and I really hate myself saying this, but when things are vegan that are very dairy-y,

do you know what I mean? Yeah, you worry that they won't be. White chocolate cookie, like, that is just dairy. Yeah. So I'm always a bit like, is it actually going to taste good? But that tasted better to me than... I said to you, it's the best cookie I've ever eaten. Yeah.

So good. So good. Speaking of, I had this, the brand, you know, like this isn't brand, the supermarket stuff for a barbecue. Oh, yes, yes. We had that last night. And I swear to go, like, I haven't eaten meat in like five years, but it tastes it.

I was like, the fuck. Really? tasted like meat. Did you try the bacon? No, I had the... I'm intrigued about that. I'll try it. I've got some of my home

because they sent me something to try. But I'm not really a bacon girl, but I have the burger. Oh shit. Like it was... I just tasted like a burger. Do you have cheese on top? No.

No, okay. No, no. So I've actually made my mouth water thinking about all of that. We keep talking about what we're going to have for lunch. Maybe that's what you should have. I know. Okay, anything bad?

Of course. You can hit me. Well, I wrote this on the way in and I feel like I've cheered up a little bit since I haven't been in the worst mood today. Like, vile, foul. Oh, good. Fowl. I asked on Instagram, like, is there a reason? Is it Mercury? Is it moon?

No, it's the sun. It's the sun. It's just you and those 118 people. I wake up, I go to bed hot, I wake up hot and I don't, and I'm trying to find an aircon unit. Yeah. But for some reason, that is more difficult than it sounds. 118 people who bought them ahead of you. Exactly. are fucking me over. I don't know, I'm in a grot.

You are. I'm in a bad mood. Yeah. File. Yeah. I don't deserve nice things. No. No.

That's why I didn't bring you a cookie today. Yeah, fair. What's your bad? I went for wax two weeks ago. Well done. It's growing back. Has it? Well, no, that's, I mean, that's to be expected.

Already? Oh, is it? It's just starting to grow back. Yeah. Oh, okay. But it's itchy. Not like, I just imagine this all like, like, going straight back to. It's just the regrowth is starting and it's itchy. And that is my bad. That's the start and finish of my bad. That and the fact my back hurts. But I can get over there. But it's itchy no matter what you do. That's the thing. It's so annoying. Like I just because my scar's itchy at the moment because I think it's we're going to the next level of healing. So between that and my itchy pealbs, I'm just scratching. It's constantly. I'm like a self pest. I'm just standing there scratching all the time. See, now I'm thinking about it. I'm like, oh, it's so itchy. But it's because I get that from shaving as well.

Yeah, whatever I do. Any type of hair removal, it's itchy growing back. Yeah. And sometimes you just need a good scratch. But it's not becoming. It is really not becoming. And even when you're doing it to yourself, you're like, oh, this should have been my bad or my awkward at some point, but it wasn't. Maybe I use it for my awkward today actually. Okay, this is my awkward today. So I was having that exact same situation. It was itchy. And I lost concentration or like zoned out and didn't know where I was. And I was actually in the kitchen of my sister's house with her boyfriend who was trying to talk to me but I was not on this universe like I was not with it at all and I just absolutely mindedly reached down and just scratched my fanny and he was like

I don't know what you just did but like I feel like this has just changed the dynamic between us like irreparably and I was like I am so sorry I don't blame you how about that I just did you go under no I think I went I think I just had a dress on, so I just went over. It's almost worse going over. Do you know what I mean? It's so just like, normalistic.

Isn't it? Farrell. Oh, God. Gorgeous. Oh, that's rank. Okay, that's nice. That's my awkward. I've literally just given myself,

I had another awkward, I'll save it. I've just given myself the biggest. So the two loos are out of order in the studio that we're in. So there's only the disabled and baby changing loo. And so I was weeing in there and I heard somebody outside and I had this moment. I was sitting on the lower and I was like, did I lock the door? Because I could hear people coming. So I was like, did I lock it?

So I stood up. Like I'd finished the wee, but then I stood jeans around my ankles and waddled. Now, they are big rooms. There's a long waddle. And I waddled myself to the door to check. And it was already locked. So then I just had the slow waddle back thing like, oh, never mind. But I saw myself in the mirror because it's a big mirror.

That's very bad. That's very bad. That's so wot, waddle, waddle, waddle. Oh your trousers are probably like gathering shit on the floor as well Like mopping the floor as you went No they weren't that low down They were just going lower It was just it was sick

And as I came back in here I was like I'm going to tell her and then I was like I'll just wait five minutes and tell her now So that's nice Lovely But we've got such a happy episode today We really do We brought sunshine into your ears

Literal Literal not literal Metaphorical But hat Very much Sun sign Sun sign We have Georgie's follow today on the podcast who is one of our great friends

and one of the greatest human beings that we know and it was so wonderful to talk to her George and I have actually spoken since about how I'll cry again but it was really emotional and it was lovely to get to talk to her in a way that you don't really talk to your friends that much? It gets bit in turn

unless you're a bit drunk It opens up doesn't it? It allows for more of a like a deeper I don't know which is really strange like in a recorded like more formal setting but it somehow allows for like a deeper vulnerability. Yeah, it was very special.

So I'm personally in love with this episode and I hope you guys love it as much as we do and love Georgie as much as we do. I just got a reply from Dave. I have to just tell you. It said, Al, why do you hate everyone? I don't even know what that means but it's probably referring to something

that I did for today. Let's cheer ourselves up. Here's the brilliant Georgie. Hello. Hi. Hi, yeah. Are you, love? We've got a friend in.

We've got a verified friend in the studio. She got the blue tick, so she got the spot in the pod. I'm very pleased. Same day invitation. We joke. You have, you've graced listeners ears before. Yes, you have. Being my maternity cover.

I have indeed. I did think I was going to get the invite to boot you off and just have me, but apparently didn't happen. I was super tempted, like, so tempted. I was like, this works really well. Isn't it so funny? It's mortality discrimination, but whatever. Aloha. Oh, George, thanks for coming.

No, thanks for having me. I'm excited. It's going to be weird to interview a friend, isn't it? I know. It's probably because you already know everything about me, all the fun stuff. Everything. Everything. Literally, everything.

I've seen your whole body. Naked, including your butthole. No, you haven't. Have we? I'm unsure. Was I going to start that rumor? You were asleep. We did the Sophie tea naked.

I love how Al heard that and she just sat there going, what's happening here? Oh yeah, it is the Sophie tea. I was like, oh wow, though. And we did have to do the shower afterwards, which was literally like hosing down a horse after the Grand National. It was literally like getting a broom from the cupboard

and one of us standing in the shower and the other one just aggressively scrubbing to try and get all the paint off. That's probably why I told your butt hole. Probably. M and Georgie were covered in. paint. You were literally painted head to toe, weren't you, for this show? And you both looked incredible, but it did give me anxiety thinking about having to get that paint off. It was awesome.

It amazed me, though, because the show was awesome. The girls were amazing. And I think getting out there, getting your kit off was awesome. But some of the girls did it with not even like little nude pants on. Imagine trying to get paint. Off your flaps. Off your flaps. Off those crevices. So, hang on. So they didn't have pants on. Some of the girls were in Rowena. She went fully nude. And I thought that was amazing. It literally is the most insane thing to have that courage and I was so there for it. But it had to be painted.

I was going to say, so she would have had to have a flaps painted. Yeah. Because otherwise, that would have been glaringly non-painted. You were things painted apart from the flap. Oh, my. So we just lived in the flaps there. Yeah, no, everything was painted. That would be darned.

Yeah, so it was just like a smooth, like a... A little bit of me wish I had the conference. to have done that because I'm like, why did I, like, I mean, I'm naked head to know why not have fully nude, but I think the fear of having paint going inside me was all right. Also, we were on a raised catwalk. Everyone was sitting below us. And the catwalk was mirrored. Yeah. I was like, that's going to be a lot of vulva. That's too much vulva. Yeah. It's too much vulva. Alver vulva. I love for a vulva, but that's just a lot of vulva. Yeah.

Yeah. Because for me it was quite a big deal because I never liked my boobs. So it was quite a big deal for me to do that. So I was like, well, that's a good start. And then obviously now I'm whipping them out every opportunity. It's so cool that you guys did that. I don't think I could that, you know. You could. I think you could because I didn't think I could. And before we went out, I was shaking. I was absolutely shit. And I'm looking around and everyone's so excited and wearing to go. And I was like, I don't want to do this. And then you get out and everything's just a blur. And obviously doing it with M was brilliant. And then we came back in, burst into tears. And it was just the most exhilarating thing I've ever done. I bet.

And then we had to do it again, two more times. We did it three times, yeah. But the third time, I was a pro. But the pain had started to peel by the third time. So we were like, okay. Oh, my God. Here we go, everyone's seen it, isn't it? Yeah, exactly.

Volvers to the wind. A little bit more of an X-rated show by the end. Yeah, it was mad. That is really cool because you are, like, you're very open on your Instagram as well about body confidence and body image. and that is such a huge thing to do to, like, go out naked. You are literally naked. Because even though you're painted, like, you can see your body, right?

That is really cool. It was, yeah, it makes me laugh because I'm a lot more confident on the internet than I am in real life. Like, I'll always say wear the shorts, you know, feel good, do all this. But it's, I mean, I'm a work in progress, 100%. And somehow I feel more confident taking my kit off in front of the internet that I am on the beach. I think it's the practice that gives you confidence. Yeah. So just have to walk down a catwalk naked a few more times will be fine.

I mean, Fuller Road is around the corner. Do you know, I think I'm the same, actually. I think I'm more confident on the internet. Although I do think, like, London, all that shooting has, like, really fast-tracked me there. But that's funny, isn't it, that we're more confident for, like, thousands of people. Rather than a couple of your friends. Yeah, exactly, on the beach. But you're acting to an...

extent online. Yeah, you're fulfilling a role, I guess. And you are controlling the narrative. And you're also at home by yourself. Like, there aren't people at home. Like, there's not those thousands of people in your living room while you're making the content. It's just you and your phone. So when you post it, you're like, okay, cool, I've just sent something on my phone. Like, you don't see the people in front of you. You don't see their reactions and, or what you expect in your head that a reaction would be. Whereas when you're out and about, I think the fear of what other people think of you sometimes can take hold. Yeah. What you share online is, like, so valuable in what you do now because you say you are a work in progress.

But that's like the honesty that you've shared for your whole time, I've known you online, because it's not just your body stuff. Like, you started sharing your cancer recovery. So then it's like, I don't know if the relationship you have with your audiences, like, just so vulnerable. Like, I don't know, I feel when I look at your stuff, it's just like, you know, I feel when I look at your stuff, It's just like, it's your whole heart there. Yeah. Yeah, I don't, I was going to say,

I don't have much of a filter, but I don't really hold too much back. But it's in, I mean, when I started my Instagram, it was when I was going through cancer, and it was such an outlet for me to process feelings. I used it pretty much as a everyday journal, and then it was lovely to connect with other people going through similar things.

But I think because I've always used from that aspect, my Instagram, as just somewhere that I can put out what I'm feeling or what I'm struggling with, I think that's just a voice. with me. So now it isn't just like cancer stuff. If it's body confidence or menopause or mental health, it's all like I just feel like it's a place that maybe I can be a bit more honest with myself than I can in another way, if that makes sense. So it almost holds you accountable to yourself. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, because I think I can, I'm one of those people that can

get really in my head and I let a lot of things that are on top of me or bother me or that I'm going through, I'll keep it in and I then overthink it and I worry more about it. Whereas once you start talking about something, it is, it's like a problem shared as a problem halved. And I really feel that with Instagram. I think it's a wonderful place that if people feel like they need to talk about things or get things off their chest or understand things a little bit better for them, that's a great space. And then in turn, obviously, it hopefully helps other people feel a little bit lighter as well. A hundred percent, definitely.

Maybe, or I've just given them all my problems. Fix me. Help me. No, totally, 100%. I think people resonate with your content so much. And like whenever I share any of your stuff, I get so many messages being like, I love Georgie. And it's not just like, oh, Georgie's all.

It's like, I love Georgie. Oh my God, I love them too. Like they really feel close and connected to you. And I do think it's because of that and because of your honesty. But it's so true about like holding things in and sharing them. isn't it? To this day, I find that, I find evidence of that in myself. You know, like I'll hold something in and be like, I don't want to burden, you know, Dave with that or whatever.

And my anxiety builds. And then once it comes out, it's like a release. It makes it so much worse when you hold it in. And I just think in whatever format you can, just let it out. I mean, most of the time, I don't know, probably I'll float it onto M. And I'm like, look, I need to moan about this. This has been like one of the bravest things, I think. that you've done and it is like it's really weird to say this like interviewing like

because we're like we I mean we've got matching tattoos we're like BFF so it's like it's it is slap so it is weird like like it's weird like commentating on like how you live your life because it's just because we're friends but like I think that's one of the the bravest things that you do is obviously you recovered from stage four cancer which is like the most I mean like who does that um it was a lot It's so amazing. But then what you've done afterwards is share the realities of living after cancer, which you don't really see an awful lot of and definitely not online.

And like you've shared your mental health, not just the ongoing health issues. Like you now have to deal with the menopause and with infertility and with this like your gut. I mean, tell the people what you're doing tomorrow. So tomorrow, M isn't seeing my butt. whole, but someone else is. I have got a wonderful trip to the colonoscopy. Lab? What do you call it?

Center. That's going to be a fun day for everyone. But like you have the ongoing health ramifications and you share the honesty of that because it isn't all roses, but then you also share the mental health side of things, which is the brave, like

I just think it's the bravest thing ever. I don't know. Does it ever, like, I don't know, Ty is the right word, but like, I mean, it actually is brilliant to use the word tired because it is tiring. Like, I feel tired with what's left over from cancer. And there's a real internal battle of, you know, I was very lucky to get through cancer twice. Like, not, you know, not a lot of people are that lucky. And I should just focus on that.

And I should just be very grateful and very positive and think, well, I'm here. And I am, like, 100% I am. But there are days where I am very tired with the stuff that's left over after chemo. And it is, you know, you go through cancer, it's isolating enough as it is. But when you're out the back, it's very much, you know, your hospital, you know, the people that supported you a lot maybe during cancer. Like all these different things, like obviously all those wonderful things are still there. But it's changing because you're not going through cancer treatment anymore. You are better. But you're left with a lot that then is quite heavy. And that's, I think, for me, is when I felt most isolated is because you're done with cancer. So everyone kind of goes, okay, cool. You're done. job's a good in. And that's probably when, because when you're going through cancer, like your heads down, you're focused, you're like, you've just got little missions, each chemo, that's what you've got to do.

And then afterwards they're like, okay, be free now, have fun. Yeah. And you've then got to learn how to process things. So, like, going through the menopause, like, no doctors told me about that. And then obviously your infertility, your mental health, like all these different things, your gut health, which is a real treat. And it is tiring. There's no part of me wants to sit and talk about it all day

But at times you really have to You have to get it off your chest You have to just Just feel comfortable being like Look this is what I'm going through And on the days that you feel up to it Seek some support Seek someone to talk to

And on the days you don't just moan about it a bit Do you think people struggle To understand that you're not just like Dancing on rainbows every single day? Yeah, I mean, look at me now from when I was going through treatment as well, you know, I've got long hair, I look a lot healthier. I am a lot healthier. I'm a lot more able than I was before. So all these things like you look at, I mean, it's like, you know, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover because you don't actually know what's going on behind closed doors. And that's sort of what it is. And, you know, 90% of the time I'm perfectly fine. But this, I think, speaks for a lot of people, there's that little element of, well, they look really well, so I'm sure they're fine. But, you know, going through. through cancer is pretty traumatic for 100 reasons. And then knowing that you're going to be fine and well, as a touch word as I say that, it's brilliant. But you are like you are left with a lot of stuff. And there are days where you just need people to be like, can I cuddle your colon for you?

Please let me support you in some way. I'm never going to cuddle your colon. My body had a physical reaction. I would do almost anything for you. Well, you wouldn't have got all my colon? Well, I would. I wouldn't like it. I do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I mean, to be fair, I've asked a lot of em. I did also ask her that when I died, that she will sprinkle my ashes on her food. Yeah, she asked me to eat. Yeah, yeah, we talked about this. I'm disturbed by all of you. I'm still waiting for you to sign up. You can either have the ashes or the colon, you pick.

And if you don't pick, you have to eat the colon. Oh. Whoa. Oh my God. On the woof thing, can I just interject this very serious conversation about you overcoming cancer and cuddling your colon? Because someone sent me a DM yesterday when I put up a photo of mushrooms on toast.

Someone sent me a DM because I said wharf and she went, I once had sex for the guy on every pump, he said woof. No. Stop it. No. Woof, woof, what was the end one though? I want to know, like, did it get, did it gradually get up? Or was it like monotone and then one big howl? I need more.

She's a really big woof. Woof. Very bad. Gorgeous. Oki-dokey. Back to the super serious conversation. Sorry. I...

Judge, she was laughing. I'm sorry. I can just picture it. But the worst thing is is I'm also picturing it with him with the size of toes with mushrooms now. Like, where did the mouth? Wharf.

Jump. Very bad. Okay, as you were. Sorry, I was going to say, I'm guilty as well of, I think, judging a book by its cover a little bit, because whenever I've met you, you're always like, just delightful to see. You're so smiley. You're like, it's like sunshine and rainbows. It's like, you're wonderful. And you like, you've got a really lifting, like, positive aura. And then it was at M's Hendu. And it was the first time that we had a proper in-depth chat. And you told me everything about your cancer. and chemo and everything that came after it. And I was like, oh my God, like, this is so heavy. I knew it. I'd seen it on Instagram, but like hearing it first time from you, it's like, shit, this girl's gone through a lot and continues to go through a lot, you know?

But you are good, I guess, at being like, you wouldn't know it by meeting you and like spending like surface level time with you. Yeah, I think, I mean, it's one of those things, isn't it? Like, I don't think most people, you know, hey, I'm Georgie, let me tell you about my mental health. And I just, and it's one, like, I don't want it to bother me every day. I mean, you know, obviously things are going to get on top of you, but like everyone else, you have good days, you have bad days, and some days you want to wallow.

On your bad days, you're still so warm and lovely. Like, George even walks through the house and it's just like the sun shines in the house. And I'm going to come back more. I don't think you realize that you have that effect, though. And I don't think you realize that you have that power as well, because, like, you are, without a doubt, the warmest person I've ever known. I really appreciate that. Thanks. But yeah, I mean, yeah, I probably don't know if I agree entirely. But I just, I don't know. I've just always thought you have to try and just be positive to get through something on the days. But that's the most unrealistic thing ever because I'm not positive all the time. And most of the time, the unpositive bit is, you know, home by yourself when you're having a little moment. And I've just, I don't know. I just always think I'm a bad like, oh, I don't want to pass my troubles on to other people, but I moan a lot. I really do.

Not really. Not properly. I think my mum would probably say otherwise. My mom's like, Jesus, she's calling again. I'm like, ignore. For anyone who's listening who like doesn't know what you've been through, would you mind telling them? Yeah, of course. I'll concise it down nice and quick. So when I was, oh God, it feels like ages ago now, 26, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's info. When I was diagnosed, it was very, very late because I'd ignored every warning sign my body was trying to show me. So if you're listening, go to the doctor if something's worrying you, please. And yeah, so when I was diagnosed, it was all over my body. It's a form of blood cancer.

It was in my neck, my chest, under my diaphragm. I had like a 30 centimetre tumour in my chest. I mean, I physically couldn't breathe. And I was like, guys, it's fine. It's a problem to just tonsillitis. I was like, guys, can we stop? making a mountain out of a molehill. And yeah, it was, you know... That's a ruler. 30 centimetres, isn't it? It was...

I mean, how does it fit in there? Like, there's a lot going on there. There's probably not a lot of part. It was a lot. But yeah, I was diagnosed on a Thursday, in for chemo on the Friday. Literally no time to even process. I remember going in with my mum and my dad. And they're like, right, this is about to happen.

You're going in for chemo. And I said to mum, after it's like, they're in pieces. And I'm going, right, we need to cut my head. hair. I want to get because I had acrylic nails and I want to get my nails off. I want to go get lots of PJs, lots of comfy stuff. And I was like, right, just go, go, go. And I think from that moment, especially my first cancer diagnosis, I was just very practical and very like, we're just going to do what we're going to do. And I also wasn't that scared. Like, I didn't want to go through it, but I didn't see it as life threatening because I was told I was very late

stage four, but it was very treatable. So the chemo that I was going to have was very aggressive, but the likelihood of being done within a year, which looking back makes me laugh a little bit thinking I was going to do six months of chemo and then just be fine. It was just in my mindset, it was just, okay, cool, we've got to do chemo. It's going to be absolutely horrific, but we're going to find the fun and just do what we can. And then, luckily, I reached remission after the chemotherapy. And everyone, so many people said to me, you know, you're going to think you're going to relapse all the time,

every little tickle in your chest. And I didn't. I thought, well, I've done my time. I've done my dues. It was horrific, but I'm done. And yeah, and so when I went in, I think it was for my three-month check-ups. It was about four months after I finished treatment.

You have your scan. We'd booked a celebration dinner like me and my parents who were going to go to like a nice little restaurant on the river. We got all dolled up. I mean, it makes me enough because every time I went to the hospital, my dad always wore a suit. And he doesn't,

he never really wears suits. I haven't seen him in suits in years. But every time he went, he was in his suit, ready to talk to the doctor. And yeah, literally, I mean, I could just see it on Prof's face when I walked in.

I mean, I could see it in his eyes. And he was like, I'm really sorry. We're back on the wagon. It's back and it was, when it came back, it came in, so your heart's in like a sack, apparently, and the cancer was in the sack. So it was a couple of like big operations to get biopsies and a lot more aggressive chemotherapy. Like I thought the first lot was tough.

But the second one, I just didn't. I think it was probably felt tougher because I wasn't as positive. I think it was a case of I was meant to be done. And the second time was when I realized, oh, this is scarier now. Like this is actually a worry. And I had to have a stem cell transplant. which was by far the most

horrendous thing I've ever been through you're in hospital for just over a month and your body's essentially like broken down to be able to accept the new stem cells so you get given like what's it called like high intensity chemotherapy and it's just to essentially kill your immune system and then you're giving it and it's just it's not

I mean it's brilliant because it saves lives and I wouldn't be here without it but it's not the most fun. And it was during that process where there was a few days where they didn't know if I was going to come out the other side. And so, and now I've very much,

I think that's probably where I got most of my trauma from was that, like, time period. And it's that treatment that puts you into the menopause and takes away your infertility and gives you all these wonderful gut problems. Well, so it is, so it's like super intense chemo. so it's a form of chemo that so say if you just had that chemo and you didn't have a stem cell transplant your body wouldn't be able to recover because they have to just kill everything and yeah

I mean to be honest a lot of my stem cell transplant I've blocked out I think there's a lot that happened in it that I just it no longer has space in my head and yeah so I mean I was very lucky to come out the other side of that and and then it was just a case of rebuilding and it takes it takes a couple years And I think probably one of the hardest things, I'm okay, well, not okay. Like, I'm okay with the physical things, you know, I'm a lot more tired now. I've got marshmallows for brains, honestly. Like, I think chemo's just done its thing. The gut problems I don't like, but I can get on with.

But the frustrating thing is they tell you before your stem cell transplant, you know, you have to sign a lot of paperwork to say you understand that there's a high chance you'll be infertile afterwards, but no one talks you about the menopause. No one says The infertility part means You're going to the menopause No one told me that I just assumed it would just mean

That they just didn't work anymore And I think one of the hardest parts Coming out of it now is being in the menopause And everything that goes with it 100%. Were you talked to or given a chance to freeze your eggs Or was it like we have to go in straight away There's no time

Yeah so most people are So a lot of people who had my cancer We're told you can freeze your eggs beforehand, which takes, I think, up to like a month maybe. But because I was so far along, he said to me, he was like, if we let you do that, you'll die. Like, there's no. It was actually, it just astounding, because he said,

if you'd seen us a couple of weeks later, we wouldn't have been able to help you. Like a couple of weeks, the gratitude of that, like, never leaves my head. Because I just think if I'd ignored it for, like, one more week, it's just in it's just bonkers i mean to be honest i should thank my mum because she made me go to the doctor so mum if you're listening thanks um that is a lot to process and come to terms with like there's got to be trauma in that you know oh i'm like i'm a mess i really like i really really am but i'm i also know you have to be grateful and i think i think some days i don't feel it some days i'm like oh god um but yeah you just

i just have to focus on being grateful and i'm not going to like therapy does wonders. And I'm, like, but you don't have to be grateful every day. I think that's like, it's a big, like, savior thing that you see on Instagram or, like, see online or just see in, like, in the rhetoric.

And I guess, like, I know it through my mom's involvement with help for heroes, and I see it with you. And you just, it's like this thing that's like, well, you're still alive, so what have you got to complain about? And it's like, but you went through hell. And, like, you don't get to walk away from it because you still have to carry the burden of it every day. Yeah, I think that's really like, bad hand.

Yeah, and that's, I think, one of the challenging things. That's all right. No, it's, I mean, it's a well-known thing. It's like Survivor's guilt. It's, you know, I spend most days wondering how come I'm here and, you know, a lot of my friends aren't. It doesn't make sense, but cancer doesn't make sense. And I think once you get a hold of that in your noggin, you can just realize, look, you can be grateful and still struggle. And also think, like, how unfair, because if you don't allow yourself to think like that, you can, I think a lot of negativity builds up and it's then a lot harder to deal with.

And it is, I mean, it's all relative. Whatever anyone goes through is their own experience and knowing that, like, you are allowed to sit there and go, it is unfair. It really helps. It is unfair. You have to express that. Yeah, you can't, you can't, because you can do this. For everything, look at other people and go, oh, well, at least I'm not that. Or, you know, I'm here, so I should be grateful because it could have been this.

Or it could, like, and I think you can do that with everything. So as long as you just know, everything is relative and you're allowed your own experiences and you're allowed your own feelings and emotions, that really helps. But also, I just think, if I wallow in it too much, I'll stay there. So it's a real balancing act. Because I've done, you know, the months where I've struggled a lot with my depression. and felt really just mentally unable to continue and if you, I don't know, if you stay there

and I know it's not a choice, like it was not a choice, I just woke up one day and went, by depression, but I think you, like, it's just one of those things, you have to allow yourself what you need but still focus on the positive. You still got to like find that light in the shitty situations. And you have found lots of lights. Yeah, exactly. You just went to cannabis.

Exactly. Like, there's so much, like, life is wonderful. And it's one of the things I always just think, obviously processing not being able to have kids is difficult. And I know, I'm sure a lot of people don't or won't think like this. But then I get to, like, I look at the kids that are in my life. I mean, I look at Arlo and I'm like, you're my baby. I mean, you're not my baby, but you're my baby.

And I get to be, you know, fun, hopefully. old old Georgie March melanchering achy Auntie Georgie with a bad

gut I don't need them knowing that but yeah there are so many other wonderful things and I can just

be the crazy old lady with like 20 dogs down the road so love that this is super

off topic I went to the dogs trust yesterday and one of the what's it called

like when they get a influx of dogs came from a lady who had 190 dogs. She was a dog hoarder.

190. And some of them were pregnant and by the time all those puppies had babies it was like 250. That's very bad. That's going to be me. The dog holder.

How mad is that? There's going to be a Netflix program, Georgie. Yeah, 20 years time. Once with a blue tick, now with 20 million dogs. Oh my God. Sorry, so often. 90. That's too many.

Yeah, it's actually. My mum's got five and it's too many. It's just too many. Is it? But yeah, there we go. That's one way to be positive. Know that you can be surrounded by dogs at any given moment. I mean, what more could you want?

The coming to terms of being infertile and knowing that you're not going to be able to have kids biologically, is that something that you processed at the time or is it something that you're processing like years later when it's processing now? You're out of the weeds kind of thing. I didn't, I mean, you know, they give you these documents and they say you're going to be infertile, sign it here. And you don't go, oh, well, I'm not going to have my cancer treatment then, because then what's the point you're not going to be here anyway.

Yeah, because it's a hypothetical. Yeah, so you just don't, you just don't, because you're on such a mission at the time to go, I need to get rid of this cancer. I need to survive. Like, that is my mission. You don't think of anything else. And then coming out of it, I was still very unwell and it took me a long time to rebuild. and I just, it just didn't really cross my mind until life started getting a little bit back to normal post-COVID and you're out and about more and you're seeing people more and friends around me now are starting to have kids or have kids. And it's those which probably, it's probably those reasons why I think of it more

is because I'm seeing people get pregnant, I'm seeing people have their babies. And it's, I mean, I wouldn't change it for the world, but it's difficult. Yeah. I think there was an influx. It must, may be around when, when Arlo was born or just before. And a few of my other friends were having babies, so I'm going into all the shops. And I'm, like, dead excited. Yeah.

A little baby clothes and little tiny hats and socks. Like, that just makes my heart melt. But it was weirdly triggering, which I didn't realize it was going to be. So I didn't go in the shop being like, oh, oh, this is tough. I was so excited. And I was picking these things up. And I remember, I was standing with Kyle. And I just lost it, absolutely lost it.

And I was like, and I could understand why I had the feelings, but it wasn't sad. It wasn't something that I was going in thinking it was going to be sad. And it's moments like that, but I never want, and I mean, I've said this to Em and all of my friends. I never want, because I actually had, I can't remember who it was said, like they didn't know how to tell me that they were pregnant. And I don't want anyone ever being like that. I want to be as overly involved as I can.

And, yeah, and so I think it's probably, it weighs a lot more now. But even if I could have kids now, I wouldn't be having kids. And so I try and say to myself, well, don't worry about it now. Worry about it in the future. But obviously that doesn't work. That's a little trick. I know. Meet the wrong.

Let me just sweep you underneath. I call that worry scheduling, actually. Right? It's like if I could just put this off for a little bit, then I will. But no, it's... It's fun. Like, it's difficult to talk about because it's something that does affect me and it does make me very sad. But I, but yeah, I think I'm trying in my head to just go, don't worry about this now, which never, never helps anyone.

But it's just not something that I think anyone goes into knowing that you're going to grow up, not being able to have kids. Like, it's not something that you ever really question. And when it does happen, I think it throws you and you've got to allow yourself the feelings. Like I've tried to just go, you know, don't let it bother you or don't think about it or it'll be fine or you could do this and all this different things. But at the end of the day, you're having not only like your choice taken away

but something that I think a lot of people do they grow up and just assume they're going to have kids. It's just part and parcel of it. And so it's just, it's grieving. You've just got to grieve the loss of something that you're not going to have. And it's just a process, I think, and it's something that it's probably, I mean, I don't know if it'll ever go away. But I don't know. It just, it's a process, it's a journey.

And also, I could just take Arlo and run really quickly. We do look quite similar. I don't think anyone will. I'll wait until she's on solids. and I'll take it because right now she'd starve but yeah

I think I mean there's got to be so many people listening having like fertility struggles for whatever reason and it's sadly very common

and it's just something that I don't think I mean I I struggle to feel comfortable talking about it and I generally talk quite a lot about a lot of stuff

and if I struggle there's probably a lot of people listening that struggle even more so I think the big biggest thing is just make sure you're not suffering in silence. You've got to, you have to talk to people about it. And even if that, because I mean, my friends like probably don't understand.

And if I can just say, look, I don't need a solution. I just need to be heard. I think that's very important. I actually wanted to ask for your advice on this, not for me personally, but for everyone listening because we've had this a few times is it just me questions people who are pregnant but don't know how to tell friends that are struggling to conceive infertile um probably other things as well but what is i mean i guess you can only speak for you personally but what would you say is the best approach like we kind of butchered an answer where we said you maybe text them first give them a heads up before you tell them in person but like what would what for you for you feels like

the best the best way to be told and like kept in the loop like you said. Yeah, I mean like said it's difficult because this can only be like my experience and I know a lot of people that may not want this

but for me is I just don't want to be treated any differently. I want to know the same way everyone else knows and because I won't bring any of my feelings or you know

upsetness Sadness? Sadness. Thank you. Like, I wouldn't bring any sadness that because I'm so excited and I'm so happy and it just fills my heart with joy. And then it just maybe, I mean, the truth of it is,

and it sounds quite depressing, but the truth of it is, is that person's probably having a cry on the way home in their car, but by themselves. Right. And so for me, it's I don't want to be treated any differently. Like, the feelings that I'll have are still going to be there.

but I wouldn't personally, I'm not going to let it take away from the joy I feel for like my friend or my loved one or someone else because it's incredible. And I think I actually, I think I saw a post from someone on Instagram a while ago and they said how they didn't really want to know all their friends, you know, having babies and all of this. And I completely understand it when you're struggling. But for me, I just think how sad. Like, why...

allow what's sad that's happening to you make everything else sad. I don't know that. I didn't describe that very well. I mean, like, why, if I'm going to be sad about something, why don't I find light in something else? It feels like wishing that those around you aren't having babies too, and I'd never want that. Yeah.

I remember you saying at the time when I was pregnant that you, and it was actually before, because we had another friend who got pregnant and we talked about it. Yeah, because obviously when I got pregnant, it was like, I think I told you, like, I mean, I've got it video. I think I told you like, I mean, before my, before my mom, like, I'm in, sorry, Francine. Yeah, I told you so soon because I had that ringing in my ears that you, like, you know, I don't want to be any different. I was like, well, obviously, you're one of my best friends that you have to know now. But from the other, you know, I'm so aware that it's a sadness and it's like, it's a really like, that makes me cry.

it's just, it's so, like, it's just so unfair and I'm so sorry because it's like, and I know you and I know you want to be so happy for your friends, but you're so sad for you and it's just, that's a horrible thing. It's, yeah, it's tough. It's actually tough having this conversation with a friend who's had a baby because as much as I want to say, you know, I want to, because no different, I want to be there, I want to celebrate, I want to be there for everything, and then having to say, but, you know, you're probably going home and having like a little cry in your car, saying that in front of people

who know you, it's very difficult because I don't want anyone around me to think that what they're doing is upsetting me. I don't think that. Okay. I don't think that. Like George, you've seen Georgianari's love is like, so pure. It's just the best. So I don't think that at all. And I want you to be as in her life as you want, you know, as you are and it's like heaven. But I did. Because I'm not. Because I'm stealing her. But I don't want, like, I just, I know, and I know that you have this sadness and I hate that and I do anything to take it away from you and I'm just so sorry. No, no, I know.

And I really appreciate that. I'm trying so hard to just not let the tears out because I know if I start, I'm not going to I'm like strategically just looking at the ceiling because I'm like, if I look at people, I'm going to cry. And if I cry, it just won't stop guys. It'll be a very, very unpleasant episode for everyone. Do you know what I think is really powerful that you said though, that you explained is that the joy and the sadness is not mutually exclusive.

They can coexist. And I think that is so important. And you can't speak for everyone. And other people might not feel this way. I don't know. Yeah, there are situations like different situations around infertility. And I know it can be just so hard. But I think that is so important for like people to hear that they can coexist.

And I think that's like really nice for people on both sides of that. to like hear and understand. Yeah. So I think that's really cool. It's so true they can coexist. I mean, it's one of the things I think if you allow, if you allow a negative feeling to just be all consuming, it's going to be a lot harder to get through your life like that.

And you're ending up. The way I feel is that I would end up just being a very negative person. And I don't want that. So you have to just see if you can find the joy in the things. because also, yeah, it sucks if something happens to you and I don't like what's happened but if I'm going to be unhappy for other people having their babies it's kind of like wishing the same thing on them

and that makes no sense to me. I'd rather everyone have all the babies or, I mean, maybe like a few, I don't know, how many. 190. A hundred and ninety babies. Because that's also life. Like sadly, you know, there are some things that I can't have that someone else can

there's some things that someone else can't have that I can and I think you just you just have to try and I guess as well and I'm speculating here

I'm thinking out loud but I guess as well there is maybe maybe a bit of peace in that you have a definitive answer it's not like you could try and do

rounds and rounds of IVF but it's clear cut for you well and that's it like I think like knowing that it's just not an option and there is and you know

I'm a bit funny like this because some people are like well if you can't have kids you can just do this you can just adopt and sometimes I'm like shut up I'm like let me have this feeling

like sure and down the line who knows but you don't want solutions yeah you don't want a solution but it's not a solution either it's a compromise well and that's it

and like but then on the flip side I'm like but at least I know that those are my options at least I know that I can't personally do this but there are there are other things whereas someone who is going through like IVF and doing all of this and going through lots of rounds like the challenge like of course there's grief and sadness in both but I just think that is just such like a it's like the what if yeah that just it's so much and I've so much empathy because anyone and but also I mean I say I have so much empathy for anyone with any form of

infertility struggles like geez having a baby stuff too like it just seems like a lot you've said the whole way through that's the other thing it's like when you say like you want to be there for all of it you have been and are the most amazing friends like like to everybody all the time because you're the tits but you know like even you've I've never felt with you and you would have every fucking right if anyone ever came to you with a cold to be like I've had stage four cancer Here's your tissue. Can't blow your phone. But like whatever anybody brings to you,

it's never felt like the misery olympic. I'm like, lo. That's what you've got. You've got a fucking timing, bitch. You know, like I could, because sometimes I'd be like, the last thing I'd want to say to you is just like, oh, I've got whatever, like,

but you're always like you're doing your lane, my lane, like. But it is, it's so relative. And like, it, I mean, to be fair, even when I get a cold now, like I am the most dramatic person. But you get colds badly because you've had an amoeic... They are, my colds are much worse than everyone else's. Bad, but it's...

I mean, it is like I'm... Like, everything is relative. Like, I mean, even me and someone else who had the same cancer have had different experiences. Like, there's no comparison between two people's lives. And I think, don't get me wrong, there's definitely a time when I was maybe like fresh out. out of treatment, I don't know, someone told me they were tired, I'd be like, loll.

Yeah. Like, I'm tired, actually. Understandable, yeah. But I think when you actually think about it, you're like, I mean, we're both tired. Yeah, we can both be tired in our own right, because what you feel and what I feel, there's never, I mean, I could like, I don't know, pinch you. And the way you feel that is going to be different to how I feel that. We could try it. Go on there.

No, don't. I'm weak. I've had cancer I've had cancer Don't hurt me No I know that's Yeah that's lovely You're so incredibly compassionate

And on a good day So No you are George Like you do yourself down Like every day I speak to you Like every day of my life And you're never anything

But like occasionally a little bit grumpy But you're the only one That suffers for your grumps Like you'd never inflict it on anyone else Like she's grumpy But she just ruins her own day Exactly I just need you could moan then I'm fine

Oh, I could never. I have to ruin everyone else's day too. I can never. I'm feeling sour, therefore. Yes, everyone else around me. We'll hear about this. No, you are incredibly compassionate, incredibly resilient and just, like we said before, a ray of sunshine. I'm coming back more often. This has been a tree. I mean, I have sweaty palms from tough topics, but other than that, this has been lovely. Sweatty palms from tough topics. I love that. That's a podcast name in itself

That's so adorable That's so adorable We love you I love you guys Thank you so much No it's been a real privilege So thank you very very much You're a star

Everyone has to go and follow Georgie on Instagram she is You'll know it's her Because she's got a blue tick Yeah she's got a blue tick baby She is at Georgie E Swallow on Instagram. Go follow her. She's gorgeous. And yeah, thank so much for coming. Love you. Love you. Love you. Oh, love you too. Should I delete that is part of the ACAS creator network.