Should I Delete That? - Loving and losing Azaylia

Episode Date: May 8, 2022

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK. This week Alex and Em are joined by the incredible Safiyya Vorajee, who lost her baby daughter, Azaylia, to childhood cancer just one year ago. Driven by the love for her daughter, she and Azaylia's father started a foundation in her honour, The Azaylia Foundation. Safiyya bravely takes on life with optimism and determination, and we want to shine a light on her story. In the usual segments of the pod, Al tries her hand at amateur gymnastics and Em wants to start a gang...Show timestamps:Good, Bad & Awkward - 00:04:39Interview with Safiyya - 00:28:08Is It Just Me? - 01:28:15You can order Safiyya's book, Loving and Losing You, Azaylia here: https://smarturl.it/lsofotAnd to donate to The Azaylia Foundation, click hereFollow @beducatedcomFollow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Bird & Blend Tea Co.The team at Bird & Blend have said they will throw in some cheeky free samples of our favourite teas (so far!) when you use code DELETE22 at checkout - www.birdandblendtea.com, or pop into one of their stores to claim, there is a list of locations over on their website.Produced & edited by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are delighted this week to be partnered up with Bird and Blend tea company, an eco-conscious, independent, people-focused and award-winning tea mixology company on a mission to spread happiness and reimagine tea. If you don't know, Alex Light, you will not know that in every single handbag she possesses there is a tea bag. So this sponsor is incredibly apt for us this week. So I'm about to get kicked out of Britain for this confession, but I do not love regular builder's tea.

I actually prefer something a little coochier, which is why I love and blend so much. Ten years ago, they started from Mike and Chrissy's back bedroom and now have 14 stores across the UK and over 100 blends to choose from. From the traditional great British cupper and builder's breakfast brew to fun flavours like chocolate digestive, rhubarb and custard and strawberry lemonade, you'll be sure to discover the perfect cup for you. They have a blend for every mood, so if you are looking for an energising kick to help you through the day or something calming and relaxing to drink to soothe your soul, check them out online at www. bird and blend tea.com where you can take their tea matching quiz to find the right tea for you

or please pop into one of their stores to meet some of the team to help you out. And because we're feeling generous, if you use the code delete 22 at checkout, you will get a free sample of mine and Al's favourite tea. That's a builders from her and a chai from me. Oh my god, why did I post that? Ah, I don't know what to do. Should I delete them? yeah you should definitely delete that what's happening oh my god i'm trying to okay i'm trying to like no that's not working i'm trying to un noise cancel my headphones it's so much pressure it makes me feel like there's pressure inside my ears when it's noise canceling it hello everybody welcome to a very boring conversation about noise cancelling headphones but actually i tell you what

it does bring me onto something because i don't feel safe when i wear noise cancelling headphones because, you know, I'm like a woman in London. Did you see that Samsung advert that everybody kicked off about last week? Oh, my God, yes. Because every time now I've got them on, I'm just like, if you didn't see it, basically Samsung released an advert

and it was like a woman going running at like two in the morning, just shoving her noise cancelling headphones on. And everyone on Instagram is like, right, this is why you have to have diversity in your boardrooms because who signed off on this? I saw it on stories, and I was like, this has got to be some kind of joke.

And I was like, well, it's not very funny joke. So I'm a bit confused. And it was a very serious ad, isn't it? I didn't even like having noise counselling in my own house because I'm like, what if the killer comes in and I don't hear them? Like, I want to hear everything. Do you think they knew what they were doing? And they knew it was going to go viral.

Because I suspect that they did. Because you cannot, that is a huge oversight. I feel like that's an oversight too far. Come on, surely. I feel like we need to ask my Alex. Yeah. Hang on, hold on. I'm going to go and ask him.

Oh, he's in the bar. Okay. I'm going to go and ask for a wall. work question whilst he baths hang on babe he's like fuck off yeah literally fuck you right well I don't want to alarm anyone but I can just hear

a vibrating noise coming from upstairs so I'm shaving or wanking I don't know which either way or brushing his teeth maybe both he's like he's he's practicing his multitasking shaving wanking and

doing his teeth I've said What are you doing? Are you wanking? P.S. Do you think the Samsung advert was deliberate

to cause? Don't have to tell controversy? Going to guess. No, that's not there. Very far away. So far away that my phone doesn't know what I was trying to say.

Never mind. He'll pick it up. He's a bright boy. Hello, everybody. Welcome to an evening recording. recording it's like a sleepover except we're not in each other's houses yeah we're just in our sad little lounges i've got my i've got my ring light on and it just seems so ridiculous i've got my like super bright beauty ring light on and i'm like why look at me i look absolutely vile

but anyway but you look like you look vile with a hd now so that's that's special i do i do i think it's got like the soft focus filter on so that's why I'm looking quite so stunning right now anyway but yeah actually I did have a drink today oh you did because I went I went daytime drinking yes because you had a wedding dress fitting I did that's my good that's my good hello everybody welcome the podcast here's my good the good the bad and the awkward I'm talking about my wedding so much like I'm sick of hearing but it's so boring no it's not it's great we love the wedding content the modern area

weddings are so exciting oh thank you no I love it I'm so wet every week it's my good it's my bad it's my awkward I'm just obsessed with my nuptials

but um no you're not it's just it's a very big thing that's happening in your life hopefully it only happens once and it's really exciting so um yes I saw my wedding dress today

it was supposed to be my final fitting but it was so if it had fit and if it had been perfect is I'd have taken it away with me and brought it home. But Alex is the type of person to, like, go underneath the Christmas tree, like, a week before and shake the presents. So I was like, if I bring this dress home, I know what you'll do. You'll just be like, ooh. Is he?

Yeah. That really surprises me about him, actually. I know, because he thinks he's got really good self-control. Yeah. The problem is. I really have thought so. It's when he slips. He falls.

Okay. You know, some people can be like, whoop, steady myself. He's just like, no, I'm on my face. I'm down the mountain, I'm covered in muds He's snowballs He's like an avalanche I like that That's my kind of guy I like that

But the wedding dress does look very nice You just gave me a sneak peek and it looks stunning It's a little bit big So they've got to well It's going to be a team effort On behalf of the gang Like I'm going to eat more And they're going to do a little bit of sewing

And just try and pull it up a little bit And then hopefully it'll be ready next week Or the week Well you better be ready next week otherwise. I was going to say. I know. I'm being so like cavalier. I'm like, oh yeah, well, I'll get it when we get it. I'm like, I haven't really got this time. But anyway, it's fine. It's good. It's beautiful. I can't, I can't believe it's happening. I'm just in like, every time I think about it, I'm like, right, I'm going to be sick in my hands. So, but in a fun way.

It's so exciting. Oh my God. It is so exciting. Actually, I'm actually quite jealous. It is really fun. And what's he good, please, Your Honor? My good. My good. My good is such a fucking random good but it's just really made my week what are you doing by the way but it's like very random well i'm going to show you now so just thinking if i can do it right so i'm watching what you're going to show me it's so scary i'm scared it's just something from down here but don't worry about it i don't think i'm i don't think i'm agile enough to show you actually hang on what it's actually so worried just watching you wriggling what are you doing I'm literally this inflexible person in the world.

What's down there? This is the reveal. I'm gone. Jesus, let me limber up. I'm gone. I've got this thing. I've always had this thing, right? Oh, fuck sake.

I'm not on my seat. Oh my God, I fell off my seat. Are you okay? I think so. Just in a bit of shock. For everyone listening, I just went flying. I was trying to show M my socks and I just went flying off the back of my chair.

Oh, God. In my mid-30s, just rolling around on the floor. I'll show you my car. apart socks. Is that all that you, is that all that they are? No, just wait, okay? Don't tell the story. Okay, right.

Well, I wish I never brought, I wish I thought of a better good now, but, um, so basically I have had the same socks for like, like, like, probably about like 15 years, right? But it's fine because, yeah, like the same pairs of socks, right? But I've got this weird thing about, like, I just hold on to them. And Dave is like, every day is like, your socks are so gross. They're like, I've got so many holes in. But like, oh, I'm really regretting this now, actually. Is it too late to turn around?

Yeah, way too late. Way too late. Can I reverse? No, no. You're ticked deep in this now. Tell us about your horrible socks. Possibly the worst story I've ever told in my life. So I thought the end of the day I'm going to treat myself to some.

New socks. Okay. Alex is you're good this week. You're recording your audio book. You're recording an audio book because you have a book coming out in like two weeks, but you're good. It's like you finish it.

It's a good that you bought so. Yes. But they're very cute and they're pink and they've got hearts on and they've just really like perked up my week. That was a genuinely like serious good. But as I'm saying it, I'm realizing how ridiculous

it sounds. Did you just buy one pair? No, no, no, I bought like 10. This is one of 10. And they're all different colours. And I'm like, my sock drawer looks amazing. Oh my God, I love you so much. Did you throw away the old ones? No, not yet, not yet. Because I've all got memories, like one, I borrowed off my sister like 10 years ago. Like, you know, memories. Oh my God, can we move on? Um, awkward. Well, I've told you privately about an awkward, which... I was going to say, I was also going to bring it out, but I... We've got a special episode coming out in a couple of weeks. I might share it then, but I don't know if...

I don't know if my soul can take this right now. But another awkward today. So I was on a walk on my friend Fliss this morning, and I was running late to take Bua to go and get her vaccines. And because I was in the park and there was this dog, like, on its own. Like, it joined my walk and I thought it was this woman's dog and then it wasn't her dog. And then I was like, who's this dog? And then I just realized I'd like picked up another dog. owner wasn't anywhere so then I was like well I can't just leave you so I'm gonna follow you

around for a bit so I just like spent ages this morning was like following this dog around the park it's it was fine um it's owner was like while you're following my dog anyway that wasn't the awkward but I was late the dog is like can you fuck off lady um yeah justice for dogs anyway so I was running late for the vets so I was walking home from the park on the way to the vets and I called them to say I was running late I was also talking to my friend fliss and you know normally when you ring somebody goes like ring ring ring ring you know makes like the ringing can't remember for the life of me the noise that actually makes what nice does it make da da da da da no it's like much what's the dialing tone

duh duh duh oh that's it normally it right normally there's a pause while it's ringing you know pause then it starts ringing anyway it didn't it was just silence so I was like oh it must just be connecting. So I just carried on chatting with Fliss. And unfortunately for me, Fliss was talking about her horrible old landlord. I don't know if I should be putting names on blast like this, but anyway, the landlord was big a dick. Anyway, but we were right past her, we were walking past her old house. So I said to her, I was like, well, we could always swing around and just punch him in the nose if you wanted. And then the woman on the end of the phone was like, what? I was like, wait, what? Because it happened wrong. She just answered so quickly. And all that she'd heard was me

being like, well, we could just swing around and punch him in the nose if you'd like. She was like, sorry. She was probably like, I'm being threatened. Pressing the panic button under the desk. I was about to say, yeah. Yeah, so it went for mourning. I was in the police station for following a dog and then threatening the vet. It wasn't that awkward.

It was just like, but then you try and like talk it away and I tried to talk it away as if she was like one of my best friends. I was like, oh, ha, ha, ha, what am I. Sorry, I didn't realize we're good. And then she's like, I don't know what you're like. I don't know who you are. like why are you calling me why are you trying to have this like banter with me with strangers i was like oh god i'm the absolute worst so yeah anyway it wasn't that big a deal

do you want to make an appointment lady just yeah just i'm just a bit embarrassing really anyway but it's been boosted um i would um i would like to submit a double awkward this week um number one oh so i'm yeah i'm doing the audio book recording so i've been uh in the studio for the past two days and it is occurring to me just how much I burp because and it's this plate like the podcast I feel like when we do it in the studio like I don't know it just feels like it's louder and there's a bit more of an atmosphere and like I can burp without anyone kind of realizing but not I realize no I yes yes but I can do it in front of you guys right And even if it just comes out as a little, like, it's, it's all right, you know, but this, this podcast, this studio is so quiet. You can hear a pin drop, which is the whole point because it's got to be, right? Fine. But there is no, I can't get far away enough from the mic to burp without the producers hearing it next door. And for some reason, I don't know if it's normal or I don't know if I'm particularly gassy at the moment, but it's like burping, non-fucking stop. And it'll come like halfway through a sentence.

So I'm like, I can feel it rising. It's rise. It's coming. It's coming. And there's nothing I can do. And I'm just like, mm-hmm. I think you might be doing shallow breathing because you're having to do so much reading and that's going to make you burpheria. Possibly. In my medical and professional opinion. And then I got there yesterday and I met everyone.

I met all the team and the producers and people from Harper Collins were there. And they briefed me on everything. And then I went into the studio and started recording, blah, blah, blah. and then at some point I needed the loo as one does went to the toilet and I've been using a new mascara and I didn't realise but and I'm going to show you a picture of this because it's really bad there was an entire like two huge rings of black

right under my eyes right where the eyebags fall it was like I had painted it on with eyeliner and smudged it and I was like why would no one tell me that horrendous maybe they thought you were trying to be trendy out look they've seen you try your heatless curls what's to say that you're not euphoriaing we've hung out with save butler

we talked about her unique makeup looks you did spend the weekend with my sister maybe just try and on some new shit you know everyone everyone's aware that you're out there doing your best I felt stupid so there we go very fucking stupid

anyway you're bad well um okay look we decided last week that the bads we're going to be optional but I've decided I've actually got a personal bad but I've also got some like news bad so I'm just going to kick off my personal bad as a small bad um well actually I say it's a small bad it's completely ruined my life but I'm fine um Alex is in the bath the other day having a bath having a really nice time there's a theme here Alex loves a bath um yes yes Alex is in the bath and a fucking spider crawled out of the drip, like the, the, the, the, the, the

bit, you know where you like gudunk it to make the plug go in? And he said it just came out and he went straight at him. Now, I hear you, like that's not my bad. Like, I don't need to make Alex's trauma my trauma, apart from the fact that I tried to have a bath yesterday and I realised that nowhere is safe, nothing is sacred. I trust no one. I will never be able to close my eyes in that bathtub again. For fear of death. Never. I don't think you should ever go in that bathtub again. What did it do? Well, I mean, it was a spot. Got up, sang the other piano man. What do you mean it? Well, it was a spider. Okay, cool. What do you think it did? Great. I mean, did it, it just walked? Well, did it, did it, did it swim? I don't know. Do spiders

swim? Well, some spiders can, so, and I learned this the hard way, some spiders can come up the drain as happened at my mum's house. They were living in the drain and they can like sort of make these like oxygen bubbles around themselves so that they can survive in the drains. So we had these like big chunky boys like coming up. Well actually women. I actually learned loads about spiders at the time that this could be another plastic moment. So I'm not going to say anything with a lot of confidence. But I believe that when you see a when you see a confident, when you see a spider kicking around, it's normally a gal and she's horny and she's looking for a for a mate. So basically if you ever see a spider out and about, they're Randy. Like they're. They're.

they've got an agenda, you know what I mean? Like, they've put their little red shoes. The red light on, they're rock sanding. Really? Yeah. So, anyway, I've got these fucking haughty spiders in the bath and I just... Oh my God. I feel like I've just learnt something new, but I'm dubious at the same time.

No, no, no, there is definitely merit to that one. So, so, so I thought that was a myth that they can come out the drain. I didn't think that actually happened. No, no, no, I've seen it with my own eyeballs so many times. My mom's house, it's like chocker block with spiders. And actually, you know what? Like, I don't mind a spider. like I actually made really good friends

of the spider during lockdown that hung from the blind in my mom in above my mom's house is like oh you know you just can't you can't stop and I don't I've never intentionally killed an animal it's really not my style so I'm like I'm not going to kill you I don't want to touch you so we're just going to have to learn to coexist no I mean and I think as long as they're still and I'm still

and we're cool I know where you are you know where I am we know where we stand based when they're on the move because I'm like what way are you coming because you've got eyes all the way around you've got legs all the way around and I just I don't I don't like it when I don't know where I stand and when they're coming up the drain I don't and I'm vulnerable because I'm naked

I know they're naked but I feel like it's different it's different also they could cause you're naked they could I don't know well once a spider fell on me when I was in the bath at my mum's house again and it fell onto me and I honestly I stood up shopping wet and I ran down the stairs fully naked and I was like, like, screaming. And my sister was like, what the fuck is

happening? I was like, and then I had to rationalise that literally like a side splided the size of a one P coin had landed on me and I had reacted like the biggest loser ever. So I'm trying to grow up, I'm trying to mature, but I just feel nothing, but I feel no safety. I know. I'm a prisoner in my own house

and that's quite bad, so. That is bad. What's your other bad? Well, my other bad, I don't know, I just the news has been like a massive kick in the teeth this week. Roe versus Wade is rumoured to being, the first drafts of what's coming out of the Supreme Court looks like Roe versus Wade is going to be overturned. And that absolutely terrifies me.

Like the fact that abortion is being criminalised in a Western country, like the fact that we're going backwards like this. Like, you know, I think remembering, obviously, the vote in Ireland in 2017, like that was close, I mean, obviously, geographically close to us in England, but also really close to me and Alex,

because Alex is Irish. So, you know, we were really, like, aware of that debate, and it was such a massive day and movement that abortion got legalised, you know, and still not, you know, not completely and whatever. But that was a huge step forward, that decision that they reformed the eighth in Ireland. And I don't know.

felt really good and then obviously the same in Northern Ireland where the same laws applying the other man I believe which is where my mum's from again so I don't know it felt like in lots of ways in our life it's been going so forwards and that's so positive and to see it going backwards it's just like terrifying terrifying

it really is and you know like I know particularly if you're active in these spaces and you're aware of the news and stuff and you'll know this already but criminalising abortion doesn't stop abortion it just stops safe abortion like it this is going to kill women it's going to ruin women's lives

it's going to cause huge sociological problems economic problems mental health problems like it is the most catastrophic decision and it's being made completely by men and it's fucking infuriating

so that's felt really bad like I genuinely believe the threat to women that the Republicans are terrifies me so yeah that's felt pretty bad do you know what I found I fell down a pro-life

rabbit hole on TikTok it's huge on there like absolutely huge and I don't know if you've come across it but oh my God I was like but it's not like even that language like pro life it's just like you're not pro life though

because by the same stroke you're allowing guns which by the way are literally antithesis of life but you also you're also oh if it's gay if it's trans if it's whatever then then you're not pro it probably if it's a woman then you're not pro it

the minute that baby's born you don't give a fuck about it anymore which means it's not about the baby it's not about the life it's about the women and the control over the women 100% 100% it is infuriating yeah it's actually interesting talking to my vicar the other day about the wedding and he literally kind of was we were talking about

you know like my feminist principles coming into the church and stuff and he was like well you know if you look at it through the feminist lens maybe it is a bit hard to swallow so maybe it's best just not to look at it that lens. I was like, what's an incredibly distressing for you to have? Look, if you don't look at it through a feminist lens, it's really not a problem. I'm like, that's literally like, okay, we've just solved it, guys. I'll tell you what, just look at it. Nailed it. Yeah, just a completely different perspective. And it's really not a problem anymore. I'm just going to totally adopt someone else's beliefs and morals and views and

values and there we go. Yeah. Sailing through life. so yeah the news is just feeling like it's just fucking bullshit isn't it so that annoyed me and that I felt like it's a bad that's bad it's worse than spider in the drains

tell me something bad tell me something bad Al so audio book recording sorry to go back to it but are you recording an audio book yeah just like I've lived in Paris and so

audio book recording second day to day was going really well I suddenly thought I think I'm losing breath a bit I think I'm kind of losing my breath and that was kind of the beginning of the end really I of your life of the day I spiraled mentally because I the more I was thinking that I was losing my breath the more I was losing my breath and I started you know when you you're like on the verge of a panic attack, not to make it like too deep. Oh no. You know when

everything starts... No, no, no. But you know when everything starts tingling? Yeah, you get anything. Do you know what I mean? Like your face tingles and you get that like hyperventilation feeling, right? And I was like, I don't really know what to do here because people are looking at me and they're waiting for me and I feel like there's a huge spotlight on me and all I can think is I can't breathe. It didn't sound as dark in my head Because you know when you're speaking You have to keep speaking And you can't stop

And I kept stopping to take breaths And it sounded like Do you think they thought you were being possessed Literally Anyway But diet culture Yeah That's why you shouldn't diet

Uh-huh Who Fus Miscara like down to your chin Oh my God Like this girl This girl is so fucking weird Man

She keeps burping She's burping I bet they've had some Like they probably had like Stephen Fry in that room And like I don't know Yeah Like George Ar Martin

And then Yeah So that was Yeah that was my bad which sounds darker than it was, it's just me getting in my own head. Anyway, I'm sorry that you're panicking in a small,

but I don't blame you. It's a small windowless room, and it's all day. It's just the sound of your own voice. And when you start focusing on a little thing, it's like, you know, like I get that. The minute you,

because when everybody always says to me like, oh, deep breathing, I'm like, I hate deep breathing. I don't want to focus on my breathing, because the minute I start focusing on it, I start overthinking it, even in my jumper specifically says, don't overthink it.

Don't overthink it. I ignore it. You know, like, four people are, use that expression to me today casually and I'm like, are you saying that because you can read it on my tiddies or what? Don't overthink it, babe. Yeah. Should we move on to that part of the episode where we talk about how good the interview is? Yeah, and I know it's actually, but actually, actually this one. Such a good interview. This week's guest is a phenomenal Sophia Varagi. Sophia lost her daughter, Azalea to leukemia last year and in her memory has started the Azalea Foundation.

Saf came to talk to us about this, about her grief, about life since losing Azalea and really about the work that she, her ex-partner Ashley Kane and so many other parents and children are putting into the Azalea Foundation. It is a non-profit organisation fearless in the fight against children's cancer and it was such an honour to speak to Sophia about the work that she's doing, the work that she's done and of course about her beauty. daughter, Azalea. It was so incredible to see what this woman and her ex-partner are doing in the wake of such a tragedy. But something that really stuck out for me from this interview is how she talked about turning their pain into purpose. And that's really stayed with me. It was so inspiring and actually really uplifting and her resilience is just incredible. And it was fantastic to interview her, wasn't it? it was and this episode is coming out today which is world mental health day and there

really wasn't anybody better to speak to like and and we've taken so much away from this honestly by the time the interview finished me and i was just staring and saff being like oh my god you're amazing um so although like of course you know we do cover some some really tough stuff and it isn't an easy conversation it is a necessary one and it was so beautiful in so many ways so I really hope you enjoy it. And we are going to leave a link to the Azalea Foundation in our show notes. So if you can or would like to donate anything or get involved, even if it's wearing orange for Azalea, we would absolutely recommend it and love it if you could. So the link for that is in the show notes. So let's hear from Sophia. Hi, Sophia. Hello. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you

so much for being here. We are recording this episode a couple of days after the anniversary of the loss of your daughter it's been a it's been a year and we can't even sort of imagine what a traumatic couple of years it's been for you with everything that's gone on and you've been through so much so we want to thank you for being here and like talking to us today it can't be easy but as we're going to go into you're doing so much good in her name and it's amazing and we're excited to spread the word about that and help get the word out there so yeah thanks for coming on thank you this episode is coming out mental, world mental health day and that's incredible what a great time to be coming out and you've

just had your book when by the time this airs your book will have come out will have been published on Thursday we're going to assume that it's gone brilliantly so we're going to already has we have pre-order already and pre-orders have gone absolutely incredible amazing I think there's so many people out there that have been inspired so much by azalea's journey and it's touched so many people's hearts. It's created so much awareness as earlier has saved and helped so many lives that the book has just been incredible so far. And I think so many people will learn how to cope and to not feel alone as well. And I think sometimes in different situations we find that we're alone and we're by ourselves when in fact it's just because there's not enough voices, there's not

enough platforms that are speaking about this. And it helps our mental health. It helps our delivery to speak to one another so comfortably. For sure. It's going to be a really, really powerful book. And it's called Loving and Losing You, Azealia. Is that right? Yes, that's right, yeah.

And it will be, yeah, out now for anyone who wants to buy it. Yeah, definitely. The reason why I wrote Azealia's book as well, I call it Azele's book because I feel like I'm her mom and I'm just, delivering to the rest of the universe her story, her journey, because she's not able to do that. And when we was in hospital, I was hoping and praying for a much happier outcome of everything. And although I shared everything on my Instagram, there was so much that people didn't see. You know, when you see six clippets of my day, Instagram, they're 15 second

clips, which totals to sometimes a maximum of two or three minutes out of my 24 hours. Yeah, it's not funny. Yeah, and everything was just unfolding so fast. I had to write a diary and writing this diary just helped me not miss anything. And later on down the line, I knew that I wanted to write a book for Azalea for when she grew older so she could understand why she was an inspiration, how she changed so many people's lives, why she has a foundation, why, because regardless, we was always, going to do a foundation after this experience and this journey with Azalea. But we wanted

Azalia to obviously be here and be a part of her journey and grow up to really be a good advocate for child of cancer. But obviously that wasn't the case and we sadly lost Azalia and I put it aside basically for a long time. And then later on, Ebery contacted me and said, would you love to do a book for you and Azalia's journey for a mother's perspective and it's been the best therapy for me. I was going to say, is it? Yeah, I've never ever put pen to paper and done a diary. It was just a huge step.

And when Iberra contacted me and asked me, would you like to write a book? I thought, wow, look at that. That's the universe. That's law of attraction. I was thinking about this book way early on, and now it's been. been presented to me after Azalea's past. I wanted people to really learn and help them cope.

My book goes through many things of grief, depression, having Azalea, being pregnant, previous experience of domestic violence in relationship, going through my beautiful journey with Ashley and our relationship together and how it was so difficult and how we were so excited together. Like, he's literally like my best friend. That's so nice. like we have a relationship and a tie together that will always continue to stay strong and you know because of all of this pain and now having azaleas foundation we work so strongly together our mission and what keeps us here on earth and has kept us here on earth for the last year as azaleas foundation and really changing so much with child of cancer you know at the moment you've got All these parents and families in hospitals, you've got children daily, five children a day, are diagnosed with child or cancer.

There's four passings a week of child or cancer, and it's still considered to be rare. And while it's still considered to be rare, then it's going to be underfunded. And it has less than 3% of funds, you know, that goes towards it. And our children are worth more than 3%. And for us, that's really helped my mental well-being. by being able to pour my pain into this charity and it's actually kept me here on earth and doing my book has been great therapy to keep me here.

And I hope so many people learn and understand through it to know that in the darkest of your times, you can still create light, that is still light. And it might not be in yourself, but if you can just spread that light somewhere else, and fill someone else up, you will end up filling your own heart up. And it's amazing that you're doing that,

and it feels like you're sort of putting your all and Azalea's legacy into making things better for other families down the line and for other children and stuff. But like in my head, I'm thinking it would be so easy to, I guess, retreat from the world after something like that happens to you, you know, retreat from the world and just sort of stay. hibernated. Yeah, hibernated, yeah, and like unable to face the world.

Was that something you had to push against? Or did you feel like, no, this is what I'm compelled to do? I want to, you know, this is going to be her legacy. And was there any of that where you were like, I have to get up and sort of face the day and get on with things? I felt like for a little while that I think that this was a sign from God. And I've never been religious. And I've always felt like I'm more spiritual as in like law of attraction.

And I just felt like that Azalea came to earth. It was COVID. The world went quiet. Her story happened. Her journey changed so many people's outlooks on life. And then when COVID was finished and people were starting to say finished, but when lockdown stopped, should I say, and people started going back out again.

It was like the world got put on play and then she passed and she was out of here to leave me with a purpose to continue to really help so many families and children. Can I ask what Azalea was like and how being a mom was for you? You know, you say like law of attraction and stuff it really feels like you feel like she is your purpose.

She is. For so long I was, sure about having a child not because I didn't want one it was because when I grew up I didn't have my real dad to be there for me so I kind of wanted to make sure that I had my daughter or my son I didn't know obviously what I was going to have but I wanted to give my child a father that could really be there for my child and um for me i was so happy and blessed i mean like ashley was like if he could have had a child within the first week i think bam we would have been there but um like we've got such a strong relationship and for me i knew that i

wanted to have a child with ashley i knew that he would be an amazing father and he really really showed that through thick and thin with Azalea. And Azalea was just, she was just such a good baby. Like even from the moment she was born, it was COVID. I was in hospital, had an emergency C-section and couldn't get out of bed. And she was an absolute like ray of sunshine. She was just a delight. She wasn't needy, demanding, screaming a head off. She was just real chill. And made my experience like, wow, what's even everybody going on about, like children hard work? Like, you know, like, this is really easy. And I think it was the fact that I was enjoying it.

I was enjoying motherhood, like, being pregnant and being in lockdown. I didn't get that luxury of being able to go out and buy prams and get everything together. I was ordering offline. I wasn't able to, like, go and get all kiwi over, like, outfits and them things. Normal people are able to do. And I wonder, like, you know, you're doing that during, which I suspect, I suspect, I suspect, for so many women who have babies or couples who had children during COVID, yours and Ashley's bond over your baby will have been so big because you don't get the, it's such a shame you don't get baby showers, you don't get like, you don't get the kind of excitement out the house. You know, there's quite a lot that comes of baby, you know, pre, is it antinatal and that sort of thing. So through the pandemic, there was no anti-natal classes.

So you really, I guess, had to support each other. And I feel like, yeah, I feel like that played a lot with my mental health because I feel like men don't understand so much that women actually go through. And I feel like to express to a man is completely different to then go into an antinatal class, to express to people that are used to that. And because it was so new to me and it was so alien, I didn't quite understand what that popping feeling was like when they're moving or what's meant to be happening

my back hacking and hurting and I didn't really know what or how to deal with these things what you should eat, what you shouldn't eat what's this, what's that, what you should give them, what you should buy, it was so difficult to know. They said takes a village, don't they?

And I spoke, like it takes a village to raise a child and like, I think that starts probably right at the beginning and it must have been really isolating with COVID to have to do it all in the way. It was really, really difficult. And I think it played a lot with so many people's mental health alone, let alone to be pregnant and then have that anxiety of thinking you could potentially be giving birth to your child by yourself just with doctors and nurses because at one point

they weren't allowing the fathers to be in there when the mothers were giving birth and that was like horrific what the mothers were going through because if I didn't have Ashley by my side I don't know I didn't I didn't let go of this guy yeah he was not allowed to to sit down and it was just knowing that he was there through gas and error and everything that I had, it was like a great comfort. And I think I'm so happy that he was able to be there because I wanted him to be there for the birth of his first child. And I think taking that away from a father is something that people don't really think about because I feel like men kind of get put to the side and sometimes women, you know, like we can make it all about us all the time.

And like for him, I really wanted to make sure he was there for his, um, the daughter, his daughter's birth. And I'm really happy he was now because I think it's a moment, um, that he can always take with him. It's actually a wild time. Like thinking back on it, of course, like, you know, we didn't have that perspective, which we, I mean, I feel very lucky because it's unthinkable. But I remember, like, you could go and watch football. Like, They were letting people watch football and they weren't letting partners be with women as they were having babies.

Yeah, like it's just absolutely insane. The amount of women, you know, that I was hearing. Even I was using an app, I couldn't believe it. I was actually using an app to tap away to know when my contractions were because I was scared to go into hospital because I didn't want to have Azalea without actually being there.

And I thought, I'm going to wait right till that last very second and then I'm going to get wrist straight over that. And that's what I did. Did you? I waited for every last second. And then she was an emergency cesareomy. Yeah, that was right. Labor.

So, yeah, emergency C-section is what I ended up having in the end. And, yeah, I mean, Ashley was like a great support to me. He really was. I'm so pleased you got to have him there with you. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Could you tell us about Azalia as a baby? Like, obviously she's a dream.

Yeah. But you're like her early life and I suppose like later her diagnosis. Yeah, so Azalea was like any baby that was, you know, just very, very cooey. Like, she was just like a warm breath of fresher. She was soft. She was gentle. And she was just very easy to look after. Very easy.

I found motherhood a lot easier than what I was expecting. I found that I was learning so much along the way. what time she wakes up, what times I feed, what's this, what's that. It was so exciting. She was, yeah, she was just a really easy baby. I can't even say anything more than she was just a very easy, pleasant baby. Were you breastfeeding? Yes.

Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah, so I was feeding her at the time. So that was like really new because I weren't too sure whether I wanted to or wasn't, because I know that like some people were like, oh, like you missed and you're poor. apart as a new mother that's never had a baby like you must do this and you should do this and sometimes that puts a pressure on like a lot of pressure on you to think that like oh you know like your partner's mother wants you to do that and then your best friend's telling that and then the dad's telling you that and you actually feel like torn apart um as a as like a new mother and i feel

like azalia just led me she led me the way she i just communicated with with each other our energies so strong together. I knew when she needed feeding. I knew everything that she wanted. She was happy. And then she got, like, really poorly. Very fast, it was a turnaround of her illness. She became, like, very congested. It was nearly six weeks when she was meant to have her injection. And she was very congested. So the doctor said, we won't do the injection because it's, let's wait until she's a little bit better. I took his earlier to the doctor many times, gave them phone calls. She had spots of blood and a nappy, which I thought was unusual. So I rang monitor and monitor. She was congested nasally, couldn't breathe properly. We got sprays

for a nose. She had the wrist on her tongue. They gave her drops to put on her tongue. I took for a check-up and then one day I came back to change a nappy and babies are changing you're changing a baby's nappy continuously and then just out of nowhere this lump appeared in just like her groin area and because I do aesthetics I know that like when you feel a bruise a bruise should be flat or if it it shouldn't have a lump underneath it and I ran my finger across this bruise and I could feel a lump and I knew straightway like I had this good feeling I thought oh something's not quite right and I thought oh maybe somebody's howled her and bounced her because Azalea was a little bit uncomfortable and she bounced and the doctors was telling us

that she had colic she was on infacol um I took her and gave her more aptimal um because I thought we thought that maybe she wasn't getting enough feed from me because I was breastfeeding So we tried everything. We even gave her constipation sachets to help her go to the toilet when in fact it was leukemia that was clotting the whole of a body everywhere and then within a click of a finger we're in hospital in great care by Birmingham Children's Hospital. It was absolutely fantastic.

And then that was it. Our life's changed and it's never been the same since. But throughout that, Aeselia was. was a breath of fresh air, honestly. She was so happy. I think it was the energy that we always gave to her as well because babies are sensory. And I think, you know, if I walk into a room with you

and I come in with a sad energy feeling, you're going to think, oh, your mood's going to automatically mirror mine. And with a child and a baby, especially, they're all about sensory. They don't understand what we're saying. They pick up on pitches, tones, music, sounds happy high voice when we speak to a baby we're always like hello you know like that's what we're like and with azalea giving her that energy um that's why she was so strong

like i 100% believe her energy radiated through it must have been more to have been given that diagnosis and then to you know try to continue giving her that energy it wasn't about us is that is that how it felt yeah i think you can either make it about you or you make it about your child. Your child comes first in every instance with whatever was going on. And I learnt that as soon as I became pregnant that it's not about me anymore. I was no longer looking for things for me. I was looking for Aesalia.

And as soon as we was in that position, it was, this isn't my time to wallowing myself pity and my pain. It's not about me. this is what is best for my daughter and what is best for her she needs to see a smiley face she will smile if she sees me smile she will play if she sees me playing with her

she will interact and like literally she was so strong and the doctors were telling us she's not going to be able to sit up she's not going to be able to eat and I just like every time the guy at the room I was like right it's earlier we're going to learn how to sit up you know a couple of

she was like three months old I had her in a bumbo seat, sitting her up, putting pillows behind her back to give her that strength to start going forward. And she had that to develop. She was eating. The first thing I gave her was a russ. And I'm telling you, now, she made such a mess with it. But she was loving it. Absolutely loving it.

And she radiated. And she really showed us that putting that energy into her really made such a difference. take yourself out of that equation, your child will always and should always come fast. That's, well, yeah, I mean, that's amazing that you were able to do that because I feel like it would, yeah, just be like almost impossible in that situation. At first, it was difficult. I mean, it was kind of like I had my fingers in my ears for everything going on around me. I kind of felt like maybe we're going to have like antibiotics and,

It's going to be 48 hours and we're going to be out of fear. When I realised that wasn't the case, I started taking my fingers out my ears and started listening to what was going on, soaking up all that information in education and using that to help me get through and making sure that Adelaie was protected and had the best treatment that she could possibly have. Did you get support in this time? Like, were you able to have people around you? I mean, you said the hospital were amazing,

but for your, I guess, like mental, you know, you've got to stay so strong for her. Who was able to help you be strong for her? Nobody, just myself. A parental instinct helps you. We was offered, myself and Ashley was offered, counseling through our journey with Azealia. We didn't take counselling through our journey because Azealia was keeping us strong. It wasn't about us. And when I say it wasn't about it was the great thing about me

and actually we were on the same page all the time. We was each of these backbones through that journey and we really, really felt like there was nothing more that we could have done. And we know and sits comfortably with us knowing that we fought our hardest together for Rosalia. Yeah. Can I ask about like sharing it public?

because that must have added, I suppose, in a way, a support and a strength, but in another way, it's such a vulnerability that you've to have in order to share what you're going through. Because there is, I guess, that, you know, when you're going through hell, it's like you just want to put your fingers in your ears, right? Yeah, yeah. Or just, you know, be in your bubble with Ashley and Azalea. But you shared it, and as you say, because you did and because you continue to, you have all saved countless lives. and so, like, it's, it is phenomenal what you've done, but I just wonder, like, what that experience was like because it's so unique.

Yeah. So, at first, it was, for me, because it was kind of like I had my fingers in my ears, I didn't want to face what was going on. Me and Ashley sat down and had a conversation with one another, you know, the realization of what was going on. And when I talk about sharing my journey with a, Azalea, if you have some really good food in front of you, I'm just giving you a comparison

here. If you have a really good food in front of you, you want to show everybody that food because you're like, wow, look what I'm about to talk into. I was so proud of Azalea and her beauty of what she was doing and this diagnosis just kind of was over here. And it was like, guys look look at my beautiful daughter look at her playing look at her enjoying herself um look at her look at just look how beautiful she is so mine started so um innocently because my platform was quite small so for me it was sharing it with like the people on my instagram that like oh look at my little baby. And then it developed, like within a click of a fingers, it developed hugely into something else. And I didn't want to change who I was. I didn't want to change the fact that I want

to show my baby to the world. And for me, it was, look at her play. Look at her dance. Look at her playing with her toys. Like, why should she be treated any other way just because she's poorly? You know, there's many women on Instagram that show their babies because they're proud of them. For me, I was exactly the same. I was so proud of my baby. And just because she was diagnosed with childhood cancer and leukemia, why shouldn't I show her the same way as every other mother that's got a healthy baby? Why should I be looked at in any other kind of way of feeling like, oh, I need to keep that private?

Why? Why is that? So me changing that dynamic of that is how now so many people be able to speak so much more openly and I feel like that's important because a lot of people think that just because your child is poorly or there's something going on that's crazy

that you should hide away. It's time we shared our experiences, talked up, spoke up and why should you cocoon yourself into this dark place of depression when really you need the most help and support that you will ever need in your life right now you know so like for me i would never change that i mean this question always gets asked to me quite a lot and like regularly in interviews and

obviously again like now in this podcast and i feel like people don't see this angle of the reason why i shared my daughter and like it's the first time i probably actually expressed why i showed my daughter. Why should we, why should I hide away in a, in a box room in a, in a hospital and be ashamed, um, and live there in fear and cuckoo myself? Like, why? Like, I want to show my daughter. Are the same way you're showing yours? Absolutely. You know, like, and I feel like that there's so many people now through, um, our journey that I've actually doing that and like, they're not afraid like to speak up or to show that their child's poorly. Why should you hide away? And it's teaching that diversity around now that, you know, if you see a child that has no hair, another child

now knows because of Azalea, oh, that's got that feeding tube through the nose. Oh, Azalea had that and that's that child and they're heroes. I want children to really grow up supporting either children and take away that closed mindset of why we shouldn't share each other's things. Like we're living in a society now where the diversity is huge. And people should speak of if you want to show your baby you show your baby if you want to eat chicken for dinner if you want to be a vegetarian if you want to be a vegan you do whatever you want is if you can go to sleep and feel clean in here and your mindset feels happy that's all that's the most important thing i'm not not a mom but i do feel like the the dynamic changes so much for women when they

have children on social media because there is so much like expectation of what they should be doing and what they shouldn't be doing and who's doing this right and who's doing this wrong. And like it's actually so wonderful to hear you saying that it was as simple as you wanted to share the joy and also accepting that life is in so many ways for so many people just so painful. And it's horrible really that we've created a whole other reality

with social media. Will we just omit that? Because like you say, you just end up feeling shame and loneliness and that's what hurts people the most is this like isolation that we create for ourselves and I love that there is this side of social media where we see what hurts us because

or we see what hurts others because it also hurts us and you feel so supported and did it feel like that? Did it feel like on balance that you really had support from the community that you guys felt? Honestly like I have never experienced ever the amount of support and love from a community and it put my faith back into

humanity I feel emotional I do it's like to see people being so kind and lovely and supporting my daughter and as a family through the most horrific thing that anybody could ever go through is just so beautiful. I experience social media in a positive way and it's just been so beautiful to know that when I go to ASDA, when I walk down the street, if I'm doing my shopping, I will get somebody probably come up to me that will speak about either Azale or their experience that they went through as a parent, a mother, a child, whether they've lost their mom, their dad, their husband like people come to me now and they speak to me because they know I'm so open. They feel like they know me because I'm so open and there's people that speak to me that have gone through

so much grief and pain that they don't even speak to their closest people but yet me as a stranger they feel like they can come and just speak to about it and let their feelings out and that's the beauty of using a platform in the most positive. positive way. And turning your pain into purpose is just something that we do daily. And although when I wake up and I open my eyes every day, it just comes flooding down. And I mean, I take that time to myself. I do my prayers. I connect with Azalea. I feel like I'm spiritually connected. And I just feel like I take that gentle time for myself to just really be. be able to get through the day ahead of me. I don't know how my day is ever going to go.

I could have a good day and think, right, today I've got X, Y and Z ahead of me, which is, for some people can think, like, oh, wow, like, you're going to get to do this and this and this today. As long as my purpose is serving the foundation for the children and the families, my heart's filled. It doesn't matter what I do, even talking on your podcast now, you know, it's a platform to be able to speak, help children, help families, and create that awareness for child of cancer. Like, that is always my number one thing to do. Can we ask about the foundation? Yeah, so the Azalea Foundation is here to fight against childhood cancer, to advance

early diagnosis and new treatments in the UK. And for us, we use that platform now to work really hard on changing a system that considers childhood cancer to be rare, because while it's still rare, then that means that there's going to be underfunding. And there's less than 3% of funds go to childhood cancer. And like I was saying to you guys earlier, our children are worth more than 3%. And the Azalea Foundation is there to make that change, to use that platform to grow and help all of these families. And we're building relationships with medical institutions there's so much it's going to be coming out we've had to build honestly it's a world that we've been thrown into so to learn the

dynamics and put the structures together it's been really challenging as well as going through grief at the same time we've really really tried to help so many people we've helped multiple children now with treatment abroad we've bought equipment and research that we're investing in. And it's changing so many dynamics already. Anthony Nolan contacted me. Actually messaged me on my Instagram the other day on Azaleas anniversary

to say that because of Azaleas, getting everybody on the donor list, it's actually gone on to help five people for life-saving treatment from her donors. So although these incredible people that have gone out their way to get on the register, five of them have now got a second chance at life. So it's absolutely incredible and we keep using that and fueling that for the

foundation and people are joining in. I mean like this weekend I just did over 50 miles while Ashley and the team did 100. They run from Nanita and Azalea's Memorial Wall to Trafalgar Square. You know like we're doing that to raise awareness as well as raising funds and as well as bringing so much change and dynamics to all this thing. And we're working. Today is the first day as well where Parliament are actually talking about child of cancer for the first time. And she's a lady who lost her daughter. She's been fighting really hard. Sophie's legacy it is to go into Parliament and change things. And it's been great now because we're all on the same wavelength and, you know, our CEO has then joined up with Sophie's legacy

and they're in Parliament together and, you know, like we're all working in our pieces together to put it all together. And it's just wonderful to see that so many parents out there are actually turning their pain into purpose and making a difference for, we don't know who's going to, one in two people get diagnosed with cancer and it's horrendous of statistics.

So if it's funded well, I mean, Aesalia was having adult chemotherapy at eight weeks old. That's not changed. It's not changed. Because there isn't. There isn't no change that for chemotherapy. So the treatment for babies is adult chemotherapy. Yeah, it's horrendous.

It's so bad because a week before or two weeks before, Azalea couldn't even have cowpile. But yeah, she's two weeks later. She's on adult chemotherapy. And that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to change a system that has been underfunding child or cancer for too long. And this is, to change the system, it then enables GPs and medicals to be able to have the funds to be able to change education, to help research and change everything in the labs that they're doing. And it gives them that freeness to be able to use them funds to think of new ways of how to do child or cancer.

cancer gives them more option it gives you more leverage isn't it to to do that it's honestly so incredible what you're doing really and that you're doing it with ashley as well yeah and that you're working so well together it's so cool it's amazing me and actually are honestly such a great team where we're both we both have visions in a different way which i think works so beautifully for the foundation um ashley's got his own visions of what he wants to do and i have mine i do like wear orange for azalea as well now, which I've talked to so many different schools. And that's to kind of create that awareness for children, to be kind to one another. There's so many children in schools that are suffering with childhood depression.

They're from loads of backgrounds of life and they don't get the support and that love and that affection at home. And if they can see that in schools, it can really change their dynamics for when they get older. and that trauma will be able to change, if we can try and change that in the schools, as well as, obviously, it was always raising awareness for the foundation for children in cancer. It's to help the other children in school as well,

through their mental well-being. And it's so important. What the Azalea Foundation is, just bringing so much diversity, and all I want to do together as a team, is just bring that community, knit us all together, and have one mission to change the way

that systems are run. Yeah. Can I ask about Azalea's treatment because that seems like beyond anything that it's adult chemotherapy. Does that mean that you can't answer this question probably for every parent and every kid because everything's different,

but for Azalea, did it mean that the doctors were having to improvise with the treatment that they were giving her because there isn't a sort of set process or I don't really... So what they do is, it's been, obviously, there's no childhood chemotherapy. So for, well, still now, they're using adult chemotherapy.

And I don't know why, but I just know that it's underfunded. So I think that if we can change that funding system of childhood cancer being rare and changing that system alone, I think that we would be able to then give them more funds to be able to look into changing the chemotherapy, because, and this is why it is, it's like on social media, all these people are just closed away. You don't see this.

It's only because we have a huge platform where we're speaking about this now. Otherwise, if we wasn't, it will still be pushed to the side. So, like, you wouldn't know about it. We wouldn't be here having this conversation. Yeah, it's huge. A lot of people don't know that children are being treated with adult chemotherapy. And there's so many amazing institutions out there at the same time

that are working hard. They are working tirelessly and hard, and they're such inspirational people, people that are in the labs. You know, they've got heart and passion in what they're doing. And it really does make a difference, the more people we get on board for this

and taking it to Parliament as well. It's huge. Yeah. I love that turning pain into purpose. Yeah. That's so wonderful. I felt like after Rosalia had passed, I didn't know if I was going to be here anymore. My mental wellness really took a huge hit.

I just wanted to be in my car and somebody to take me off the road or just to keep driving and just to smash into a wall. Or I wanted to be at Azalea's garden all the time. And I just thought, well, the best ways for me to be at her garden all the time is why not being here? And then, like, we have, I can be there with her. I could be up there with her. And then conversations that me and Ashley had to say,

you know, like Azalea's watching, we need to make her proud. She fought hard for her life. We need to serve her papa. That's her legacy. We need to continue. And our life was meant to be dedicated to Azale and our watching her grow up. And I say Azalea's foundation is my baby. It's in its infancy right now.

And it's just going to develop. develop and develop into something that will hopefully last beyond my years. When did you make the decision to start the foundation? Was it an obvious choice? Me and Ashley wanted to do a charity in honour for Azalea. So when she grew up, she had something to really stand strong by. And it was just something that we wanted to do to help children and families. This isn't just because Azaleas knows.

longer with us if as earlier was with us we would still be doing the same um there isn't a voice out there that that's screaming loud enough and knocking on doors there isn't there isn't nobody out there i mean i say there isn't anybody out there there's lots of people out there sorry that are working hard that are trying to change a system and we need more of them but so this was something that we was doing anyway yeah we wanted to make a difference and we wanted to make a change you know like conversations we'd have on the phone when one of us were at the hospital and one of us was at the hotel um would be like you know like we need to change something here like it's this is crazy it's nuts we can't believe we're thrown in this world like we didn't even know

it existed as in like you're so wrapped up in your own day to day life yeah you know for me before I used to walk around and I'd see people with a miserable face that would be rude and ignorant towards you over something so small and I think God why are you being so miserable or like God put a smile on your face and it's now I've developed into such a kind person

because of Azalea to think that that person might be having a really bad day because you don't know what's going on at home yeah you just struck me when you said that you were thrown into that world and I guess this is the harsh reality of cancer is that you know nothing about it

you have no idea and then suddenly you're in the thick of it, you're in the deep end, and then you've got to learn all this stuff. And as a new mom and a new dad, as new parents, that must have just been like so overwhelming and so just hard to grasp.

But it just struck me when you said that. You were just suddenly like thrown into this world. Yeah, it was. It was like a cataport. One day we was just kind of wondering, oh, like what are we going to do tomorrow? Like we're just learning new parents. heard and then bam click that is it life's done it's never been the same again and never

going to be the same again and i talk about zalia and her legacy and the children that are fighting because there's so many people out there that that are struggling with their mental health whether it's they've suffered with domestic violence whether they're having a bad day in their job, whether they have got relationship problems, whether they are grieving, whether they have just been diagnosed with something, it is continuously out there in every single one of us. We've got an issue, we've got a problem, we're struggling with something and we're facing a battle every day. Sometimes you might sit there and think, you know, like, no, yours is worse. But do you know what? When I leave you, you're still left with yours. So there isn't no worse than others. I kind of look at it as,

you know like if that's really affecting you I get friends sometimes that might just go oh you know my day blah blah blah and then they'll go oh my god I feel awful I feel awful how am I even complaining about this because you know it's nowhere near to what you've gone through

and I say but that is your struggle and if that's your struggle you need to get it out and express it and I'm here as a friend to listen to you yeah you're amazing you are amazing you're amazing I'm completely obsessed with you I think you're amazing

So much of this rings familiar in my mind. I mentioned before we started recording that we did an episode about grief once. And it was with my amazing friend Lizzie who describes grief equaling love. And she says that ultimately that the grief you feel is equal to the love that you had. So to feel such grief is in a way a blessing

because you know that you felt so much love. And I really feel like, there's so much of that in this and as well, you know, turning your pain into purpose. It feels like it's such a balance that you're using the worst force and it's like, this is really nerdy that I'm going to use this comparison

but I don't know if anyone seen Harry Potter at the end at the seventh film. Sorry. Anyway, it feels like, it feels like such a beautiful coming together of powers and you're turning negative energy so much negative energy into something so positive. and it's stunning like it's amazing it's so powerful and I always use that term like you've just

said grief grief is something where grief is love in my eyes and it's somewhere where you don't know where to pour it grief is because you can no longer give it to that person grief is love with nowhere to go yes grief is love with nowhere to go that's perfect glad you slipped that for me and I think what I do with my grief I pour it into the foundation I pour it into the children and the rest of the families and using pain to purpose is something we need to speak about more because I feel like

I could have easily turned to drink even though I don't even drink I mean I say that as someone will see me out now with a drink somewhere like casually having a cocktail but like now when I have like a couple of drinks it could have easily turned me down a path of wanting to blur out my mind and to drink and to just like go off the rails

and I feel like I had a choice of taking antidepressants and I chose not to take them because I wanted my mind to be fixed. It's not fixed, but I wanted my mind to be run by me and I have no problem with antidepressants or however anybody feels like they need to cope. There's so much, so many people that I spoke to on antidepressants that really, really helps them and I'm so happy that it does. And that's what their body needs for me and I talk about myself. I didn't want to go down the root of antidepressants because I wanted to be in control of my own mind. And I didn't want to drink alcohol because I'm going to face it at a later day.

So I need to deal with this now and head on and get the therapy and the help I need. And like my book was my therapy. And I felt like you can blindside things. You can push it to the side for so long. but you know what if you put it to the side and in five years it catches up with you I guess what you're going to come crashing down like a ton of bricks and for me I felt like I took them slow steps

I always say them baby steps honestly like I couldn't even think to sit here by myself and speak to you guys at one point and that's only just months ago and taking them baby steps is help me climb their mountains now that are in front of me that I want to do and just by being kind to yourself

because I kept thinking like everyone's saying to me yourself be gentle to yourself and I think gentle to myself like what do you mean like I need to do this and I need to do this I was expressing myself into cleaning irrationally because I didn't know what to do myself my mental health was just going absolutely AWIR and I was cleaning as early as garden

like frantically I wouldn't let anybody touch or put anything anywhere that I thought that wasn't, didn't look pretty or she would look down and think, oh, I don't like that. You know, I became uncontrollable because I didn't know how to deal with grief. And for me, you will never, ever stop grieving.

When people say it gets easier, it does not get easier. And I feel like that is a complete, utter ridiculous sentence. You know, it gets better with time. It does not get better with time. You learn how to grow around it. it and build yourself and carry that grief in a different way of experience in it. Yeah, I was going to ask you about actually, because I saw that on your Instagram.

Yeah. You said that it doesn't get easier. No. No, I think it's such a huge thing. Like people really, and as well with time, people think that time is a healer. Time is not a healer. Time is just time. Like, time is just time.

You know, like they say in Vegas, there's no time. Do you know? there is no time on grief you're going to grieve forever as long as you love that person you will grieve forever yeah this is so much of this rings rings true with the conversation that we had with with lizia and she says that it's been 20 21 years since her son died but she said you know the the joy is that you do get to carry the love and and i i love that that grief equals love for you as well and that you

are able to use it so beautifully but as well you know you're saying like you kind of you didn't cut you couldn't know how to cope

after Azalea passed and of course you didn't like and this is the same thing you know you said you're thrown into the world when she was when she was diagnosed and it's like you're thrown into a whole other world

after she passed and there is no rule book but I think that there's been a huge expectation on us as well, which has been really difficult to kind of like hold together. I think because we wanted to do a foundation and that expectation of us wanting to help children and families, I think sometimes as well as that beauty that we get and like so many people really believing in us and having so much inspiration and taking so much from us, you do still get a minority that are there ready to pull you down. And for me,

I find that, like, really disturbing that we still have a population out there that considers themselves to be right just because they assume something. And I think changing them dynamics and learning and teaching people to be kind will hopefully dilute hugely that population that is out there that underestimates what we are doing.

Can I ask about that, the minority that have. been not supportive because unfortunately like like you say we do exist in a world that is not all sunshine and rainbows obviously and that does mean that there are lack of a better word dicks in the world but I wonder like I mean has that has that impacted you at all I'm assuming sadly that there will have been some negative comments along the way and I wonder how you've dealt with that because that just seems I mean so rotten that anybody could say anything to you at this time or anytime yeah i think um experiencing um a very small percentage um

and i don't ever acknowledge that percentage as well i mean this is probably one of the first times i'm speaking about um no no no no like we will speak about it because um you've asked a question and i like to speak about things and just be like so raw and open um and i feel like i that small minority that chooses to be ignorant is a reflection of themselves of their own behaviour of what they would do as a person and how they would behave as a person. So for me, I don't allow that energy to even come into effect anything that I'm doing because I go to sleep with a clean heart, my daughter's watching me,

we are doing this for her legacy, and I don't. just don't allow it to come in. Don't get me wrong, we're all human, and I hear these things, but if somebody was to tell me I was green and I'm sitting here and I'm green, am I going to believe it? No, but sometimes you get people

that talk and make stories up and sounds so convincing about these stories that you think like, oh my gosh, you know, and all I say is, you know what, anybody that knows me knows our purest intention and if you follow my Instagram you see how open I am like you see my heart my soul I pour into everything and you know I just think you're if you are getting a hater it's because you are doing something right if you have somebody

that has a thought about you and it's wrong it's their own ignorance and it reflects them hugely of their unintelligence as them as a person and I think it's really it's a shame that we're still having to fight that population off not only for myself and for the people but I mean I'm sure that you guys get it as well you know where you get a small fraction of people that really want to you know let rip on you and you just think wow have a look at yourself in the mirror and see how much greatness you're bringing to a society and if you're not then And I think you need to keep your mouth closed and see the beauty.

You can see through the Azalea Foundation and through me and Ashley of creating so much awareness for child or cancer. We could be sit on our backsides doing nothing in a room with nothing to say, nothing to do, making no change. And the fact that we're still grieving and we are pining for our daughter but yet we are making a difference,

it's shameful on them people. It's shameful. Anyone has anything to do. to say that's even slightly negative is so disgusting. But you're right, it's just so much about them. It does, yeah. If you've got it in, you feel sorry for them, but otherwise you just hate them. I do. I feel sorry for them.

And I think me going into schools as well and bringing that kindness into schools, you don't know if that child's parent is a kind person. But as long as that child is growing up, knowing that kindness is beautiful, that's sending like a huge message to that next generation that we've got ahead for us. Something else I just thought about as well is another sort of insidious side of sharing your, you know, Azale's story publicly and you being in the public eye comes with it, like press attention. Has there been a negative side to that? Like has it been a bit intrusive and like, you know, your split, which is like with Ashley, which was super amicable, you guys are like the best of friends. But was there, did it feel like there was a lot of intrusion and like people and like the press especially being kind of nosy about like what?

what's happened like what's gone on you know do you know what one thing about this and what you've just said is they've been so respectful that's great so good so respectful and I'm just really grateful that they've been so respectful to us and they see so much that we've been through they see what we're doing for children and the families and they've gave us that respect and we wanted to announce it on our social platform because we didn't want to give a story we didn't it it wasn't an opportunity to kind of okay let's have a glossy magazine of why we split it's that is taken away from the purpose of what we are trying to achieve and again it wasn't about us and they've been so respectful and i'm so grateful that so far touchwood guys um they've been really really good and they're so

supportive to the foundation and everything that we're trying to achieve. Amazing. So I'm really happy about that. Brilliant. You deserve all the love from anybody that experiences the work that you're doing. I just think it's so admirable. It's incredible. And you're literally saving lives.

That must just feel after everything you've been through. So amazing to know that there are other parents out there. And maybe the kids don't know about it yet. But because of Azalea and because of you, that they like you've saved them like i've still got friends that we was friends when we was in hospital and their children are still battling through child or cancer at the moment and they always send me a message is like thank you so much for doing this this is so great like i'm in the coffee room and um you know one of the parents are talking about you and i'm like

oh i know her like azalia we was here and we'd be in this in this on the same ward and you know like that's so beautiful because on that ward is so lonely that taking me off that ward and Ashley and now voicing it like this is just incredible. So how can everyone listening, how can we all support the Azealia Foundation? What can we do? By supporting the Azealia Foundation, I think that you know if you go over to our Instagram you give us a follow you can keep up to date with what's going on on the foundation. We have a link click as well if anybody wants to generously donate to the foundation, that always goes a huge way in making things happen to advance child of cancer. And showing that support by getting behind us and really, you know,

if your children are there and they wanted to wear orange for your schools, contact your schools and really get involved with our charity. And if there's any missions that Ashley's done, you know, I'm sure we're going to appreciate few people running and climbing mountains with them. I'll, I knew you were going to volunteer me. I'll have to you. I felt that. I was like, Alex is not going to volunteer for that one. That would be on me. But that and your book came out.

And your book. So people can buy your book. Yeah, my book. And then I did a collection within the style just not long ago. And that was a clothing range that I did with them where 100% of the profits were to the Azalea Foundation. I wanted to do something. When you look at charities, we're in, we're like 20, 22 now. So I look at a charity.

and think of what I used to think of a charity when I was younger and you would get a little pin badge or a little wristband or a piece of paper or some kind of like I don't really know but it wasn't very exciting as in like the things that you got for it were just a bit like oh okay

like I just got a bit of that and you know you're probably going to leave it on the side tidy your room up and then it'll probably end up going in the bin I wanted to do something that was very current and very young as well I bought a collection out with glitter boughs for nails. Loads of girls have their nails done. So 100% in the profits from the nail artists up and down the country,

went to the foundation. It enables the girls to still work. It enables girls to support a charity and look and feel good at the same time. It gives them confidence in how they are that they're supporting. Also, with a necklace I did, I worked alongside Abbott Lyon to bring out on Azalea Foundation. And that's just a nice piece of jewelry, you know, like a nice little gold necklace that you can wear and support at the same time along with in the styles collection.

We've got T-shirts, we've got t-shirts, we've got hoodies, we've got sweaters that you could wear where they're just like super cool and cash. Knowing that 100% of profits is going to the foundation by you buying them pieces, it's just really nice. You get to take away something good and you know at the same time you're helping a great course. It's just so beautiful. We're so cool. Well, we'll say again, you're amazing. And you guys are. I'm in awe, I am.

Yeah, you guys are too. If there's ever anything we can do. Yep, we are. 100% behind you. That mountain's waiting for you. No, do you? I will be behind you. It's a cyber online way.

No, but whatever, wherever it is that you guys can give. Whatever we're doing, even if it's just something as simple as what I say is a share on your social platform, sometimes when you ask me what can people do if you can share and spread that awareness for child of cancer that's the greatest message that we can ask totally thank you thank you so much thank you so much yeah it's been absolutely amazing to talk to you honestly

we can't wait to see what you do next yeah we're excited yeah thank you thank you let's go champ hello we're back we're back as if we never left it's still dark Like, it's still, it's basically midnight with Benifis solo. I know. This recording, honestly, poor Daisy, our producer. I have an, is it just me?

Hey, Amy, Daisy, Alex and M. Love it. I love that Amy and Daisy getting put before us now. That's fantastic. I know, I like that I'm on the bottom of the pile. Yeah, you really are. No pleasing. Like, we are impossible to please every time.

Why are we fucking reviewing these emails? Like, we have any right? We're so lucky to be getting any. Literally. Ignore us. Ignore us. Let us moan. This is good for us.

It's humbling. Loving the pod. In all honesty, it genuinely feels like chatting to my friends and I really feel like part of the gang, which I thought was so not. And I actually thought like I'm going to read that out because that is so nice. And I feel like, oh God, what am I turning this into? But I feel like that's what we wanted to, that's what we wanted to do, isn't it? Like, I don't know.

Make it just like actual. Yeah, I mean, but out any gang that me and you had, be the saddest gang ever. Like, what would our gang do? Like, I don't think our gang would do anything cool. You know, you think of gangs. You think they're going to, like, deal drugs or, like, you know, go to cool raves and stuff.

What would we do? It would be so boring. Yeah. Um... I mean, wow, that is sad. I couldn't even think of one thing. We, like, just give you one law that we'd break. Like, together for fun.

Um... Oh. Oh, maybe like parking in the wrong spot or something. You don't drive. You don't drive. You'd be a shit gang never. Yeah, but I'd be... I'd be the passenger.

I'd be the one egging you on. Go on park that apart there. But that happens anyway. That's not illicit gang activity. That's just my shit driving. If you're listening to this, if you're listening, obviously, there'd be anyone here. Hello. If you're listening, obviously you're listening.

What else would you be doing here? if you're listening to this I'm sorry yeah I'm also sorry please DM us and let us know what our gang what our gang would do what our cool gang would do

what crimes we'd commit in the gang what we'd wear how do you picture the gang em and Al a gang em and out okay so back to the is it just me

so firstly she wrote a bit about the semen allergy you know that we talked about it last week and she agrees she's got it too but it led her onto this. I don't know if this is suitable pod material which means that it will be and I've been a bit nervous to ever talk to anyone other than my boyfriend about it but here we go. I've been living with my boyfriend for two years now and we've been together for six and a half and our sex life has just really dried up. He works really late and so is usually quite tired

and because he's busy with work, I tend to see friends, etc. in the week. We've tried putting in date nights, but they often fall through because of work and tiredness. He never moans, but I'm starting to think it's just me, because I feel like the whole thought of it is just too much effort. And I just don't really fancy sex in any way, shape or form. When it happens, it's enjoyable, but I'm just never that interested in initiating it. And to be honest, I'm starting to think he feels the same. am I broken? Is it going to ruin our relationship and is it just me? There are so many resources available for stuff like this.

Like off the bat, I want to say, follow the sex doctor on Instagram, read the book, The Mind Sex Gap, and download Beducated. Like, they're three off the top of my head really good resources for sex stuff, which is worth considering. But also, like, I'd say 100% it's not just you. and it's something that nobody talks about, like, in, I'm guessing your age, but, like, the fact that you want to be in a gang with me and L, it means that you're probably not in, like, your 40s and your 50s, so I'm going to guess that you're younger.

And, like, nobody talks about this, like, in our age space, basically, and it's, like, this thing that only affects women in the menopause, like, that's how we speak about it, and that, like, you know, you just, I don't know, it's such a, like, a ridiculous and toxic rhetoric around it, like, oh, you're only drying up when you're old or whatever, and, like, what you know once you wed them they don't shag you anymore i don't know whatever you know there's just like so much bullshit about like older women not having sex and i don't feel like there's any conversation for like younger people but like it's obviously it's completely natural really that you go through highs and lows as a couple for what it's worth um i've noticed a massive change in my own

like thoughts and everything around this since coming off the marina coil like that made a huge difference to me and I didn't realize how much of a difference it made. But I think there are so many factors in our life that we don't consider like stress being one of them, hormones being another, like work frustrations, whatever. I think it's worth more than just a date night sometimes because you can bed on those and it's really easy. Like I would suggest going away for a dirty weekend somewhere and like I'm making that the point but not in a like, oh, I've got to like shave everything and we're stunning laundry and all

with shit. It's like, no, I'm just going to go and hang out with the guy that I love and spend time with him and reconnect with him and just totally take the pressure off. I was going to say without any pressure, like if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. But the more pressure you put on yourself, the more difficult it's going to be. And then the higher expectations that you set as well. So I think it's just to try as much as possible not to get yourself stressed about it because it's just going to compound the problem. But also as well, the pandemic. has been, I read an article on the BBC, I think it was, that talked about how toxic COVID has been for our sex lives because we've been, I mean, it's been terrible for our mental

health as well, which is a huge factor in impacting sex drive as well. So don't underestimate all the factors that have gone into it. Yeah, I know it's really hard because I think there is a huge pressure on this side of our relationships. And also, like, you'd be remiss. to like, you know, to completely neglect it is a shame because I do think it's a lovely way of like connecting with your partner and being close to your partner and I do think sex is important but it shouldn't be at the expense of your friendship. It shouldn't ever feel like something that you owe the other person or that you're failing in some way because you're not giving it to them because it shouldn't be some exchange where you give something and and they get it

and that's how so often how you speak about sex. So I think like and it doesn't have to be like the full fucking shabang all the time like it doesn't always have to be some like satch you know what I mean like even just getting back used to like touching each other again holding hands again like cuddling in bed like all of that stuff kind of and and there are ways of like if you want to spicing shit up but if you're feeling tired and a bit pressure then you probably don't even want that it's just a nice way of like reconnecting but I think it's worth acknowledging that long-term relationships you have highs you have lows I think particularly now coming out on COVID, we're busy.

Everybody's working dead hard, everyone's going out with their friends, making up for lost time, or mental health is taking a battering, no one really knows where they stand. And so, I wouldn't worry. Like, I think loads of couples go through this sort of thing all the time, but I really would recommend, like, just reading around it. And I do think it's shit that things like this are such a taboo.

This girl said she hasn't even, she hasn't been able to mention it to anyone. Like, this is the first time that she's mentioning it to anyone. And I think that's such a shame. we should be able to speak more openly about these things. And I bet, you know, she'd find that if she spoke to her friends, a lot of them are feeling the same way for all the reasons that you just mentioned, you know, pandemic and stress and busy and, you know, work is chaotic for a lot of people. And your hormones change as you get older.

That's the other thing. Nobody talks about it. But you don't have the same libido as a teenager that you do in your late 20s and then again later and then again. And also for men as well, like their libido, changes and fluctuates and I had a girl message me actually she DM'd me um asking if I could ask my followers for advice because her husband just wasn't as interested in sex that he used to be and that as well is such a taboo because it feels like you know women we you know you know stereotypically we

like sex less it's not so much of like a a deal breaker for us but men are all like testosterone and got to have sex and if they don't want sex there's something wrong with them and I feel like that's such you know it's such a shame as well because there's a lot to that and I think men aren't able to speak openly about this topic either so yeah I think it's cool we're talking about it and and the the sole reason I mean I guess that women don't aren't I haven't got the same vested interest in it is because we probably won't enjoy it like statistically speaking like yeah particularly you know like not with a long-term partner you're probably not going to enjoy it so why the fuck are you, you know, wanting something that you won't enjoy.

Yeah. And you said that, you know, sex is enjoyable, but I get that feeling where you're just like, that's can't be fucked, you know what I mean? But I think you both need to find some time together where you haven't got the stresses of your real life and you can kind of work out together like what you want to do. I think trying to put all this new shit in is so hard when you're like just at home. So whether it's like going on holiday or just for a weekend or just, I don't know, having no phones and a bedroom for a bit or just trying something like that.

if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but it's good to try. Worst case, you get a good night's sleep, you know what I mean? Yeah. And I do think small steps as well, I think, rather than, like, you know, just chucking everything at the wall and seeing what sticks, I feel like, just take it easy and be slow and gentle and not just, you know, go from zero to 100 because, again, that adds so much pressure and expectation and just, yeah. I think it will come back for what it's.

worth. I think you're just going through peaks and troughs, undulations, whatever they're called. I'm literally 100% sure it will come back because I think this is really normal and I think we'd know that if we fucking spoke about it, but we never do. Yeah. I've got something, I've got an embarrassing story. I've got an embarrassing story to tell you. Okay, hit me. And then we'll let everybody leave. Hi, Alex M, Daisy and Amy. I love you guys so much. Um, she didn't say that I was saying that to the listener, but she did say I love the So basically there's a lot of love. A lot of love.

Love's line ever up. Actually, I was crying, laughing at last week's episode, and you've inspired me to share a secret poo story that I've been carrying around in shame for a number of years now. Here it goes. It's a long one. I hope she means the story, not the poop. It was my first, why is it like every week?

We just talk about shit. Literally every week. It was my first week at uni and I was staying in halls of residence, sharing a flat with seven other people. We had three communal loos. One night, during freshest week, all of the loos were being used by people being sick or passed out on the bathroom floor and the flat was just generally chaotic with people coming and going from a pre-drinks party we were having that night i really needed a poo i had been really anxious about moving away from home and i'm generally not the best at meeting new people so the stress of all that meant i hadn't actually done a number two for about five days i think as i was now more relaxed from the alcohol and making new friends my body decided it was time to release the only problem being where to go I hate this story already.

I decided I had no choice but to slink off to my room and do a poo in the bin. In the bin! Yes. In the bin! I took a drunken dump in my way of paper bin. In the bin!

In her room! Oh no! I threw the content of the bin all over the floor and unloaded. It was massive. It was honestly probably the biggest turn I've ever seen. I was not always proud, but my proudness quickly turned to panic, because now what was I going to do with it?

I decided to use a carrier bag to scoop it out of the bin. I wrapped it up tight and hid it under my bed. Don't ask me why. My drunken shame this seemed logical. I sprayed some body mist for good luck and then left my room and went back to the party and then to the club. I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover and to this horrible smell. I thought it was the drains or landfell smell coming from my open window

It was then that I remembered poo And I reached down under the bed And there I was There it was wrapped in a carrier bag Stinking to High Heaven So what do I do now? Do I empty it into the toilet I knew it was pretty massive

So what if it doesn't floss? Then I thought about throwing it out by window In the end I decided I'd wait for the cover of darkness And sneak out to the big bins outside And dump it in there I was in full catastrophizing mode now I was in deep My flatmates started to wake up

and were knocking on my door to chat about our night out and show each other the awful drunken photos we'd taken as had become a ritual of ours. But I couldn't let anyone in, otherwise they were going to be potentially in danger of catching a whiff of my bag of shit hiding under the bed, and then my life would be over. I'd be the weird poo hoarder from then on.

So I had to pretend I was really unwell and couldn't leave the room. I didn't eat a thing all day from the stress of hiding a mega poo and basically I was being held hostage all day by a giant shameful shit. I left it on the window there just to try and air it out and frequently sprayed perfume

to stop any potential poo smells from escaping into the hallway. I was convinced I was sitting in a sea of foul poo stents and realistically it probably wasn't that bad but I'd fully spiral by this point, loll. Loll. Night came, I like the lull. Night came and I made my move. I slipped out and managed to fling the carrier bag

filled with shit into the outside bins and got back to my room with no one noticing. The relief I felt was beyond compare it was finally gone. I've never lit so many candles sprayed so many perfumes in my life as I did that day. The poo smell was haunting me for hours after we parted ways. I kept thinking there was a whiff of it, but I was just paranoid. Anyway, that's my poo hostage story.

Thanks. I'm sorry, but if that girl was not doing creative writing at university, then I don't know what the point of that degree was, because that was a fucking sensation. Oh, my God. I mean, she sat in a bin. She's chatting in a bin. Writers are weird.

They do that sort of thing all the time. But... Artists are. Van Gogh lost an ear. That is not the weird part That is the weird part that she's out of the bin Not weird part I mean that's not the horrifying part But the fact that she slept with it

She slept with the poo Oh bless her But you know what You know what We're so quick to judge right In this society like We're like oh weirder you took a poo in a bin But when you hear the backstory

You're like of course you took a poo in a bin Where else were you going to take the poo? You had to do this And you know like I felt like she just you know I just I was willing nothing but the best for her I didn't think she was weird for sleeping with her shit no no I don't think it's weird I just think it's quite horrifying you know that she had to sleep with her shit but yeah it's a lot it it is a lot oh god god love her

yeah God love you and well done we're done well done six great success I love that I love that because you're right it would have been fucking mortifying everybody walks in they're like why have you got a shit under your bed? It would have been disgusting. You can never get over that. Like, that's a story that will haunt you forever. So thank God. Wow.

Yeah. That is an embarrassing story. Yeah. Love it. Thanks, babe. Thanks for sharing. Do you think next week maybe we won't talk about poo? Probably not.

Right. We have tortured these poor people's ears for far too long. It's quarter past 10. Which for me is incredibly late out I'm like a nine o'clock Yeah this is I've got a walk club at seven I've got I've got a go

Oh shit I'm so sorry Okay you go All the best Kind regards Have a nice life Oh my god what Bye? I don't know

I don't know I don't know We always struggle to I am not myself tonight I am I feel like I have not been good On this episode And next week

I will be back I'm better than ever But I have got too many words in my head right now And it's I'm very confused So that's why I'm not making any sense Okay If anyone listens to Alex's audio book And it's like when it gets to like

There's sort of like two thirds of the way through If it starts getting really shit You'll know why Shit and She's yeah And And right um well my friends thank you very much for listening we will be back next week

huge shout to daisy who's uh going to have have to have a huge edit on this catastrophic we're really sorry daisy um lads if you've got anything to ask us for is it just me or any embarrassing stories that you want us to read out and honestly we promise Or you just want to join the gang, please do send us an email to should I delete that pod at gmail.com or send us a DM to the podcast Instagram, which is should I delete that? We will be back next Monday. Very professional. That was pretty good as well. To be honest, I've looked at the situation. I've looked at you today and I've been like, this is a fucking mess. I think I ought to, I think I ought to start spreading my wings. I think I'm going to get a professional voice and just see perhaps there might be a space for me in radio with someone. a bit more reliable as a partner. Oh my God.

Are you going to leave me? That might be good for me. I'm just going to know what my options are out. Are you? Oh my God. I'm if, that's it. Who would take me? Who would take me?

Who would be in my cool guy? Imagine what a blow that would be to me. You know how sensitive I am? Imagine if you dump me. Oh my God. I know. I'm in this for life. Don't worry.

Not necessarily because I want to me, but just because I genuinely don't know how I would leave. Right. We're looking off. Okay. Okay, we are actually going. Okay, we love you. Thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you next week. We love you so much. Bye!