Should I Delete That? - Pulling yourself out of a negative spiral… with Jacqueline Hurst

Episode Date: September 29, 2024

Alex is away this week - so Em has invited life coach, author, columnist and friend of the podcast Jacqueline Hurst into the studio for a bit of a therapy session... and we think it's well needed! Jacqueline shares some of her practical steps and ways in which we can change our thought patterns when we are entering a negative thought spiral. She also answers some of your questions about self-worth and feeling like we are a burden to others.For more of Jacqueline’s wisdom, you can follow her on Instagram @jacqueline_hurst_You can get your copy Jacqueline's book How To Do You here!And find out more about The Life Class hereEmail us on [e-mail] us on Instagram:@shouldideletethat@em_clarkson@alexlight_ldnShould I Delete That? is produced by Faye Lawrence Music by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's making you upset? Tell me the thought that's making you pry. Well, it's like, it's like when you say it all like that, it's like, yeah, okay, she's fine. That's what I talk about, my love, when I say do the fucking work. Hello, and welcome back to Shilly Delete that. I'm Alex Light. And I'm M. Clarkson. How are you out? I'm good. I am still away. I'm still away. I'm still away, but. But as you hear this, as you listen to this, I will be home.

And you're going to be delighted when you do get back because the weather is absolutely awful. I've heard. I've heard. Diabolical. Everything's flooding. There's a restaurant on the corner from me that the roof collapsed and I can only assume it's weather-related. That's not good. No, not great.

I don't want the downfall. I'm just giving you context. That's not ideal. for the end. Al's going to be delighted when she is about this. I want autumn and all the deliciousness it brings with it, but I don't want destruction. Yeah, destruction.

That's not ideal. I'm so sorry to anyone who's been flooded. Good, bad or awkward. What are you going to hit me with first? Oh my God, I've got so much this week. And this is a big episode of me, and I'm going to start with that being my first awkward. I have two awkwards.

one of them is this whole episode so no that's not an awkward well it's no okay I'm just it's an overshare like I just feel very vulnerable I didn't feel so vulnerable doing it but now I've done it I'm like oh my god I'm really like nervous about it um I think it's mostly because you weren't there like I didn't have my fluffer I didn't have like there was no one to break the eyes like it was just it was just it was just my vulnerabilities laid bare I had nowhere to hide so So that's one of my... But the best person to do that with is Jack? 100%.

And actually, since this episode, since we recorded it last week, I spoke to Jack off record afterwards. And I was like, you know what? I'm actually just going to go and find like a therapist, like not a coach, like a therapist,

like who specialises in pre-impostnatal stuff, really. And I have found someone. And that's probably my good as well. Is that I'm like, I'm really tough. Because it was when I was talking to her, I was like, no, I'm just not doing great. Like, I'm really. really beating myself up and I'm really not in my corner and like I'm really not like just

like I'm just in quite a negative space and like obviously I love Jack I found this super duper helpful I know you guys will as well but she's a coach and um I was like I think I'm gonna go I want to get deeper into this shit so um off the back of this yeah I've done even more work and now I'm being even more vulnerable about it talking about it again that's the best good you could have brought I think that is such a cool thing to do it's like you're you I mean you are struggling right it's no secret like you are struggling and this is so hard it is really hard both physically and mentally and you need that help so you need some professional help just to carry you through yes and I'm seeing someone who specialises in like pregnancy and birth trauma

and it's like I haven't like said that word but when I spoke to her she was like really lovely and she was like HG is traumatic like you're going through something physically incredibly traumatic and I was like, okay, thanks for the validation. So... It's so traumatic. Yes, but it's nearly done and this is a vulnerable episode and I've all been a bit much of my feelings.

So tell me something else. I'm going to bring us right back down. I'm going to tell you a horrible awkward that I hate, I absolutely despise. So my... I was at the pool. I'm obviously on holiday with all my sisters. I was at the pool with Genevieve,

my sister Jen and Dave and Dave was me and Dave were in the pool and Jen was sitting outside of the pool like up above us right and out of nowhere Jen just goes to Dave stop looking at my feet and she did this like shuffle away from him

right because like Dave Dave's got a thing with feet like he just I don't know they find his feet quite icky in general like he just doesn't he doesn't love feet I think they scare him a little bit this is so weird this whole thing is so I know

it's so weird so jem was like stop looking at my feet and dave was like dave looked so affronted like horrified he was like that's the last thing i would look at and we were like all right like chill out that's so weird anyway time passed on and later on a couple of hours later dave pulled jen to one side and said jen you know i would never do that right and jem was like what are you talking about and he said well before when you said stop looking at my fanny he thought that she said stop looking at my fanny

because she did this like awkward like shuffle with her legs and he thought she said don't stop looking at my fanny and like closed her legs oh my god it takes a lot for me to blush anyway and I'm blushing on Dave and Jess

how much that it's obviously like playing on his mind well obviously playing on his mind and he's just pulled it up afterwards and was like as a few of the pervert in the pool in front of the wife who happens to be her sister that's dear dude, do shit that's not good

stop looking at my funny how horrible is that that's horrible I hate it oh my god that's so funny that's the last thing I'd be looking at is he looks so afraid he looks so like distressed

the accusation yeah but I was like calm down like just don't look at her feet there's no big deal but he's he heard fanny oh horrible that is horrible I'm so pleased you shared that with all of us so that we can all feel that I know Dave was like don't tell anyone you're going to tell the podcast aren't you and I was like absolutely I'm going to tell the podcast you know it out Dave you got it bro oh my god's so good what's your other awkward okay so yesterday I went for a walk no I didn't

I went to well I went to the paddington bear experience in Waterloo, which is cool. Don't go with Tommy's way too young. Arlo was too young. It was the whole thing. Anyway, but it was really good. If you've got older kids, like I'd say between like three and eight, sweet spot. It was really, really good.

And I enjoyed it as an adult who likes Paddington. I went with Arlo. And it was like, I haven't, we haven't gone just central together for a while because one, as you know, I've barely been able to get the train because I've just really not been well enough. And two, tragically and depressingly, and why I've done this whole

episode I haven't really been well enough to look after by myself anyway so it was just it was quite a big quite a big day out I was a little overwhelmed and I just was behaving like a moron and I pushed the bucket I crashed it like three times so I was trying to leave water to do station I was like what's happening and I think I was just getting a little bit flustered and I was hot and I basically got the buggy jammed and I was like oh god sorry stupid so I pulled out and then the guy behind me was super nice and he was like American obviously because they're so nice and he's like Don't worry, you just go in front of me. And I was like, oh, buddy, thanks.

And then he was like, take your time, take your time. And I was like, oh, my God, you're so nice. I was like, thank you, okay, I will. And I took my time and I got around the corner. And I took him in his word, and I continued to take my time as we were walking. And then after about 10 minutes, he was like, I'm really sorry. Do you mind if I go and catch up with my friends now? I was like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you're joking. Oh, no, you're joking. Oh, no. No, you're joking. I've been taking up the whole pavement for like 10 minutes. And his family would just in. front of me and then I would say anything I was like oh my god I'm so sorry I was like don't be sorry and then you just like trotted off to go and be with his friends I was like I hate

myself I was so in the way oh my god oh my god I hate it I hate it for you that's horrendous isn't it you bad pedestrian oh that's horrible oh that's horrible it was gross my bad oh my bad is like my bad is my mum's bad but it's also my bad because I witnessed it So me and my mum were speaking to two women at the hotel. These women were like, are like clearly related, very clearly related. They look a lot like each other. But I couldn't quite work out the relationship. And my mom is, she says what she thinks.

Sometimes she has no filter by accident. She kind of just like it comes out of her head without really like processing. And so she said to this, these two women, your mother and daughter, aren't you? I can tell you look so much alike. and then they just looked at her and mom said, no, we're sisters. Oh no, Norma. How bad's that?

You guys. I watched my mum like wither, like perish on the spot, as did I. Always say sisters. And mum was like, I'm joking. Even if it's their clean grandmother and child. Mum was literally like, I'm joking, I'm joking. Ha ha, got you. And like the enormous overcompensation

which just made the whole thing worse. And I was like, get me out of it. I know, it's rough, isn't it? Oh, I like that she tried, though. She did, she felt extremely bad. And I was like, you kind of should. The older sister was dismayed. The younger one, probably boyed.

Yeah, there's a grid on her face. Oh, my haggard older sister. Bad, oh, my bad is a bad. Oh, I actually will cry. My brother's moving to Australia on Sunday. Oh, my God. So by the time you listen to this, he'll have gone. I'm so sad

I'm like yeah it'll probably be my bad for the next like few years I'm really sad so yeah has he got like a place set up to go yeah he's got his visa he's got all this shit

he's gone you know he's going and he's like going going he's actually doing it and it's so annoying because he's he planned this age like we've known it was coming and now it's here I kind of wish he'd just been like

and I'm out, but we've had all of this, like, buildup. So this week's been, like, super sad. And I'm just trying not to think about it. But I can't do that because every time I speak to my mum, she's like, well, I love for my boy. Oh, don't. And it is, it's particularly, I think it's really sad because Arlo adores him. Like, you have never seen a laugh, like my daughter has to my brother.

And she just says, unc, unc, all the time. Everywhere we go, unc, unc, unc, unc. She pegs up my phone to ring unc. There's photos with him in the house, and we've been doing that. keeping a lot of photos everywhere for her while he's away and it's just unc, unc, unc, she just wants unc all the time. I'm like, oh God, he's not going to be here. And I'm really sad. I'm going to cry. I know, and he's not going to meet the baby and I'm just, we were supposed to go to Australia for Christmas and then I've gone and bloody ruin that, haven't I? So, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

I hate it. I hate it for you. I love it for him. I'm so happy for him. Yeah, he will have a great time. have a great place to visit and the anticipate i can never say this well the anticipatory anticipatory yeah that yeah the anticipation yeah that's always the worst like we've all been saying this he's gone and you can get on with it he keeps saying this he's like i wish i could just click like two weeks it's like i wish it's yeah fair enough yeah um yeah and i completely get that and i kind of wish yeah i'm dreading our goodbye because we're recording this on friday our goodbye will be on sunday and i'm like oh not okay oh don't my stomachs oh you poor thing I know. I know. I know. I know. But like, happy, like, two things are true, isn't it? It's like, I'm super, like, devastated for me. But, and, but super happy for him.

Mildly happy for him. This is why I'll have to continue having children because they will pull him home eventually. If I have enough, he'll have to come back. I thought you were going to say, in case one goes also goes to Australia and then you've just, you've got another one. No, I don't think, watching my mum, I don't think it matters. I don't. I don't. think i don't think it works like that like i don't think she's looking at me and kathana go at least i've got them she's just looking at finlo go what the fuck where are you going my boy oh no oh god i can't don't okay i hope it goes well report back i'm so sorry no very sad good luck finn any goods of your own my good is uh very quick good i'm like hesitant to say it but i feel like two weeks now is like long

enough for me to think that it's actually happening is that Tommy's tummy is a bit better and he's like a smiley like happy little baby and like we're seeing his personality and it's so nice I feel like I'm like falling in love with him and this little personality it's like it was I obviously loved him before so much but it was more about survival before and like oh god this is just so hard watching him like this and now it's just it's just so not he's like for the past two weeks he's just been he's on a new medication and he's just been it's just been like heaven like wonderful i just feel like he's can see his little personality and he's happy and smiley and it's like the best the best good ever so good and you know that's going to keep getting better like every i hope so no because their personalities

grow so much no you won't their personalities grow so much every day and it's so cool and like it does get better and better and better and better every single day oh that's good to hear yeah oh my god you're kidding it's there's every like every day there's something new and it's so cool I'm so happy and I'm really pleased that he's turned a corner for you like for him yeah but for you mostly because that's a lot he can like focus on stuff like concentrate on like learning stuff now because he's not just like crying all the time and he's learned kisses as well I say give me a kiss and he just like comes at me with his open mouth and tongue sticking out is that ah this is the best we might need to talk about that but I was like I don't

I don't do it back. We could shape the technique, perhaps. But the premise is lovely. What's your good? My good is optimistic. We're rushing through this because I'm about to go and get my hair all dyed brown properly this time. Yes.

And I'm optimistic. That's exciting. They look fabulous. I'm excited to see it all brown. Yes. So as we've talked about in July, I went to go and get my hair dyed brown and sort of did. I thought it was very dark, the internet, not so much. And it's still blonde, it's still blonde.

I was like, oh, bugger off. Anyway, they ended up being right because I went to France. And then it just went really blonde in the sun. So then it was like, now I just, now it's all yellow. So I'm going to go and actually do it this time. And I'm excited. Nice. I'm excited.

Are you going to put it online so we can see? Hell yeah. You think I'm going to shut up about this? Are you kidding? It's the most exciting thing I've done in months. So I think it'll be good. Hopefully it's not next week's bad. I hate it.

Can't wait. Okay, right. It's time for your awkward. It's time for the episode. Right, yeah. It's time for the awkward. So this is about me, but I wanted it to be a wider conversation because I have basically felt for the last few months, for whatever reason, that I'm not good enough.

And like this has been like a resounding thing. I felt like all encompassed by it. It's been like, I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not a good enough friend, I'm not a good enough wife, like all this stuff. And it's, and I know it's because I've got this one very specific thing going on in my life that's basically kind of robbing me of my ability to be positive is what it feels like. Anyway, but I know that that feeling of like inferiority and insecurity is one that's shared by so many people.

So we really wanted to do this episode, obviously laying my pain and trauma out, in the hope that with allowing Jacqueline or allowing you to hear Jacqueline teaching, me how to gather my thoughts around that it might be helpful for anybody listening who i i know my experience of the hg is quite niche but i also know that the feelings i'm feeling as a result of my age are not so we're really hoping that you'll take something from this episode um practical basically take something practical from it a caveat to say jack is quite tough love and i suspect a few of you will listen to this going like because that's how i still feel sometimes when jack says stuff to me I'm like, oh, bloody hell, that was brutal.

That's the way she works. And I love her to, I love her the way she works to bits. And it works very well for me. It doesn't necessarily work well for everyone, which is why coaching doesn't work for everyone. So, yeah, I just, I think it's a really valuable listen in terms of, you know, when people say do the work, we kind of talk about what that work really is here. And she kind of gives us some practical stuff for actually doing it.

And I think it's a really good episode. But, yeah, it might be quite confronting. and I just want to make you aware of that. Jack is confronting. Like you're saying, she is confronting. And like I feel like when I first met her and I was very shocked by how she talks and how blunt she is.

But actually, that does work wonders on a lot of people. And you, like it's been, you know, you working with her, it's been like night and day for you, right? It's been just like wonderful and for your sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually haven't heard this episode. I've just listened to a clip, which did me. make me sad but yeah i mean it's it's depressing no you're being like very honest and and it was it just

it made me sad but jack jack did pull you back around and she explains at the end why why she is the way she is you know jack's life's been very full um she's gone through a lot herself she's learned a lot herself she's an addict um in recovery it has been for 20 years she's um struggled with anorexia she's done a lot to heal herself and she's learned a lot and this is the way that she teaches and Yeah, I think it is very valuable. You might not love every single element of it, but you don't have to. I hope either way you take something from it and enjoy it. Hi, Jack.

Hi, Em. This is turned into basically a therapy session, except Dex is here. So it's an unusual episode in that I don't have Alex with you. I feel like, where's Alex? It's like Alex should be sitting there. You know what we should have. We should have had a carbode cut out of Alex sitting there. I agree.

It feels really weird, not leasible, because it's like a level of intimacy that, like, because we're going to have to connect. You know, she's not going to be there to like break the ice. Are you nervous to connect with me at him? Yes. It's me. I know. But I've got, I've got Dex around the corner.

And I'm also scared that like, because I haven't spoken to you throughout this pregnancy. And I'm not in a good place as you. Okay, well, we can talk about that. Rightly identified. Dex around the corner. Dex is going to hear everything like for the rest of your point. I know. And everybody, I've also got to remember that it's like, there are lots of people listening as well. So if I'm comfortable, I've got to get comfortable with the overshare.

But that's what you're all about is the overshare, which is probably why you guys, you know, have got, as you just said, like nearly five million downloads. Like, yeah, it's pretty amazing. It's trauma porn. People are like, can't get it. Is it overshare or is it just being authentic and real, you know? Yes. Hopefully the latter. And I think, yeah, I, I, Generally, I like to talk about my... Michelle Elman always says it. She'd like to talk about your scars rather than your wounds because it's a little bit easier.

You know, if you're talking about stuff, normally I'd like to fix my problem with you privately, then bring it to the pod and talk about it like when I'm in a better place with it. But at the moment, the end of this pregnancy and the end of my strife is not imminent. So I wanted to try and do it and I thought it was a good opportunity

whilst Al was away this week anyway, where we could do an episode that will hopefully benefit people because I'm sure that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling. So I thought we could just have basically one of our therapy sessions except we're recording it, if that's okay with you. 100% like I'm in. Okay. I'm always in.

Okay. Ready for it. So for context for you and for the listeners, I am pregnant and I have HG, which is something I don't shut up about, but then I can't because it's. taken over my whole life. But it's an illness condition, I don't know what you call it, that affects me throughout my pregnancy, that's seen me hospitalized, that's seen me just at

my lowest. Like, I'm just, I'm really unwell. And it's really getting to me. And it's like, my mental health is super duper bad. Like, I don't think it's been this bad at any point in my life before. And I know it's circumstantial, and I know the ends in sight. And I've got like, like I'm counting down the weeks and it's really not that long to go and I know because this happened last time not quite as bad last time mentally or physically but I I distinctly remember describing it last time as like the clouds parting and the warmest sunshine ever being on me like the minute the baby was born and that's going to happen again and I'm so excited but until I get there it's fucking bleak juggling it's horrible and like I'm really struggling and I'm being

I've got myself into a really negative thought spiral basically all the time. Like I can't generate my positivity in my own way. And I know it's because I'm missing a lot of the things that make me positive. You know, I'm not running and I'm not eating nice things and I'm not going out with my friends or filling up my cup or any of that shit. But I'm in a negative thought spiral and I need help. So I've got so much to say right now. Oh, good.

Okay, so you started off telling me all about the condition. okay so we understand that and then you went into saying to me and your whole energy changed of like I know it's going to end I know this isn't going to be forever I know because I've experienced this before and you had when you were saying that to me I could tell that you were feeling okay because those were the thoughts in your mind at that moment when you were talking then you say to me and you switch into a more negative space it's really bleak for me this This is so hard. I can't do anything. Right. And that is in your negative headspace. Neither is right or wrong. One feels more right than wrong. Neither is right or wrong. And you get a choice of how you want to think about this condition. Yeah. So my work with people, as you know, is very much about showing you, you have a choice as to how you think. So the first part of that was a very neutral space. It felt good. You're Energy was good.

You were like, I know it's going to end. And you almost had a smile on your face. When you then step into it's so bleak and I can't handle it, you are in a space that is uncomfortable, makes you unhappy, et cetera, then you don't go out with your friends, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Now, I will repeat, neither is right or wrong, but it's really important to remind yourself you have a choice. When you know you have a choice, it starts to help things.

Okay. Agreed or not agreed? Agreed. Right. Now. Yep. So that is, like, knee-jerk reaction to that. I'm like, oh, my God, if I had a choice,

it sounds so oversimplified to say that I have a choice. But if, let me explain why you have a choice. Okay. Who does your thinking? Me. Right. So annoying. I do loads of it.

So we've got to addle ourselves, right? And step into an adulthood space. Yeah. Right. As I said, I don't care if you change it or you don't. But no, it's your choice. Yeah. Now, most of the time, you will believe it is not your choice because we are

unconscious as to how we think until we learn to do the work. So we go around in an unconscious thinking pattern going, what do you mean it's my choice? Yeah. Until we get conscious of our thought process and how our thoughts work, we remain unconscious so we don't think it is a choice. Once we do our work and we say, oh my God, I can't believe it. I'm the one that's actually creating those thoughts and the more conscious and aware I am, I realize those thoughts are a choice.

How amazing that I get to choose, right? That's when we start to change everything. But this is a process. This takes work and it's not overnight. Yeah. Also, like, and I'm just going to keep pushing you on this because it's, it does, it feels very like insensitive because it feels like, I'm like, but hang on. And you're right, this doesn't sound adult, but it's like, I want to be allowed to be upset.

You are allowed. Oh my gosh, you are totally allowed, right? You are 100% allowed. But what I want people to know is that when we feel upset, which is a totally normal feeling, listen, if anyone's going to tell you to fill your feelings, it's me. I am the biggest, like, supporter of feeling your feelings. You must, it's imperative. I mean, I had a drug addiction for 10 years because I wouldn't feel a feeling.

So trust me, I know the moment I got clean, I had to go fill my feelings in order to become who I am today and it doesn't just stop that it's not like oh I'm just going to allow myself to feel my feelings and just never do anything about it because there comes times like you like me where it's like I'm actually sick and tired of feeling depressed now I'm sick and tired of being miserable like how do I change that and when you're ready and it takes time and it's a process and if you're ready I want people to know you can change it that's the only thing I want to say If, like, it's circumstantial depression, but it's also, it's probably, I don't know, okay, I don't know if it's depression. It feels quite depressing.

So, yes, maybe it is to an extent. It's not uncommon. It's very, in fact, very common for people with HG to experience either pre or postnatal depression. So I wouldn't rule that out. And it's actually, it's something that I think I probably need to get help with. But I don't know if it's, I don't know. I don't like, can I just say something? The other thing I want to talk about, and I'm not a doctor, is hormones.

Yeah. And I had, and I never talk about it, but I had a severe hormonal issue when I was younger. And I got told that I couldn't have kids when I was really young. And before I got this issue diagnosed, I must have seen 20 different doctors who told me I had depression. It was not depression. It was a hormonal issue. Yeah. And we do not have enough, like, scientific work going into. understanding what is hormones and what is depression yeah and I wish that we had more information

on that because I think especially you know obviously I'm talking about women here like it's it's a big topic and lots of times I have seen women who have said I'm depressed and I've said check your hormones and they've come back and said oh my god my hormones were totally out of whack and I'm on this HRT or I'm taking the pill or I'm blah blah blah blah but I guess when it's pregnancy you can't if you have depression as a result of your hormones yeah but could it be your hormones that's creating your serotonin levels drop it so so like my hormones make me insane right they literally make me insane but that's my point so where do we label it well that's I'm loath to label it and I haven't labeled I haven't said I've got depression because I don't think I don't

actually think I do have depression I think I am depressed I think I'm having I think I'm just having a really shit time and I don't really care what it's it's called for now because I'm so optimistic that it is circumstantial. Do you know what I mean? I love that. I love that. I love that. And if when the baby is born, I'm still fucking struggling, then I'll cross that bridge. 100%. And by the way, sometimes people go and check out, you will never know. Is it that you are depressed or is it that it is your hormones? But I just want to make it, you know, a topic to talk about of that we must be careful, ultimately, how we label ourselves with things. Because people, when we label ourselves, we live. We

live up to that. Right. And I think that, you know, if we want to live the best possible life that we can, we need to be careful with labelling ourselves with, I've got this thing or I have this thing. Because sometimes it's a, it's like a, it's a change of mindset. Yeah. That can then change that thing. And then we don't need to live up and stay small. I just want people to live really big lives. Yeah. Okay. So I can't live a big life right now. It simply did have the energy to live a big life. It depends how we classify that for you, right? So again, and I know that you don't like it, you got up. Yeah, you had a meltdown this morning. It was late. Right, whatever. And you got up and you got dressed and you're sitting in your

studio and we're having a conversation and you've looked gorgeous and you've got your makeup on and I can see that you're struggling. I understand it. And you're sitting here. And that could be a big enough life for today. Yeah. So like, again, expectations of all of that stuff is really important we are so fucking hard on ourselves we are so fucking hard on ourselves and and you know learning to just take those fucking expectations off yeah is so important okay so that's literally what i want to talk to you about big swears that good yeah yeah they meant something i like a good fuck when it counts but i think okay this is what i wanted to talk to you about because this is a more applicable experience to people who are listening because HG is quite unique

and quite, well, not unfortunately that unique, but it's quite specific. Sure. The negative cycle, like the being so hard on myself, I don't think I've ever been harder on myself. And objectively, if I step back, I'm like, what are you doing? Like, you're going through the hardest time. Why are you beating yourself up for it? But, oh my God, like, I am beating myself up in a way that I am beating myself up in a way that

I have never done before I'm like, you're a shit mom, you're a shit wife, you're a shit friend, you're... But do you know that you're doing that? No, not until I'm sitting in a... Not until I get to the end of the day and I'm in tears going, I'm a shit, mom and I'm a shit wife and I'm a shit, shit. And it's only when I've got to the end of the day and I've realized that I've just been telling myself this all day. Like, that's what I'm telling myself. Okay, so it's really why I know I bang on about it and sorry to people that are, you know,

awareness and consciousness of what we're thinking. And sometimes a really good way to do that is to put a note on your phone or to put a sticky note around your apartment like awareness, awareness, awareness. And it gets us into understanding, hang on a minute, what am I thinking here? Just to wake us up to that space so that we don't have to spend the whole day on this nasty, negative spiral that we would not dream of saying to anybody else. So that's about taking responsibility for ourselves and saying, I am not willing to do that to myself anymore. I'm not willing to do it.

I did that when I recovered from anorexia. Like, I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not willing to stand there and be a total, you know what, to myself, I'm not willing. So I had to become aware and constantly switch my thoughts, switch my thoughts, switch my, and it was exhausting in the beginning. To the point where when you then start to do it, you become more aware, the gap of like being kinder is wider and then you're kinder and then it's a bit wider and then you're kinder and it's a bit wider. And then you've got through the day and you're like, wow, haven't done that once. Yeah. And it's doing the work. I guess we need to like dig into that on a practical

level. Like yes, awareness is good. But how do you change the thoughts? I don't know if I should try I don't know if it's most helpful if I try and bring you a scenario where I've been unkind to myself and we can kind of work through that. Yeah, and also this takes time, right? So I just want to put that out there. Like, no one is doing this immediately.

Like, as I keep saying, like, we'll reiterate, it takes work to learn to do this naturally. So, you know, and this is not another thing to beat yourself up with. Oh, right. Now I'm going to beat myself up because I'm not aware.

Like, no, let's not do that, right? It's baby steps. It's gentle. You know, the more. gentle and kind we are with ourselves, the more beautiful our life is. And gentleness is the answer. I'm not a very gentle person. Really? I know I don't know.

I think I'm a little bit. Gentleness. I think I'm like whatever the opposite of jet. I think I'm brash. I think I'm clumsy. I don't think I'm very gentle. I think it's a learning. Yeah. And it's a process.

I am really tough on myself. But I think a lot of people are really tough on ourselves. I think they are until they do some work and learn lots of it. Yeah. And also I think age helps on this one. I will say, I think as, you know, many women grow up and change, I mean, you know, we just care less about that stuff that we used to take, you know, my niece is 15 and she is like worried about and anxious about the simplest of things that I would be anxious about 15. But I'm now 175 years older than her. And those things that, you know, would make me anxious at 15 do not do that. now so i think age is a beautiful gift and it helps us to just relax a little bit just let go of things that are so oh you know when we're younger that's not super helpful if you are young though because you don't want to have to just wait until you get old but you don't have to because today you can learn to do the work and not live like that i never had that at 15 no one taught me

how to use my brain at 15 i wish they had i wish that we taught the stuff in schools because we would build a totally different generation of people 100% okay so we need to find something a situation where I'm not being gentle or kind to myself so that you can like anyone yeah yeah literally any situation in my entire so this is this would be specific okay but I think I do this within my relationship so at the moment Alex is having to carry much more of the load yeah of our lives yeah because I am physically incapable of holding it. Okay. And at the beginning of the pregnancy, he had to do so, like, he literally had to do everything.

And I, it really ate me up, like, because I couldn't be with all. I was, like, in the hospital, I was in bed, and I couldn't be with her. And I just, it was appalling. But it was almost easier then, because I was so ill that it was like, I literally have no choice. Whereas now, I do sort of have a choice in that, like, I have an amount of energy to give, right? Like, I've got, and I normally have a hundred, 100% energy. I probably have 20%. 20% you can get some stuff done. Like you can get some work done or you can get some mumming done or you can get some wifing done. But I feel like I can't

give everything to everything at the moment. Well physically you can't. Physically I can't. So that is a fact. Yes. Okay. So something has to give. Right. And choosing what gives is horrible. Well, because you're not going to get it right in any which way. Never. Never. Right. And that's really hard. And I have this basically when I get to the end of every evening. Like last night, I was so ill when I got home at like four that I lay on the sofa. Alex had to do bar up and bed and then he had to cook me dinner and then he had to do all the cleaning up. Okay.

And I literally lay there and I was like, you use this piece of shit. Get up. And I was horrible. That's so mean. But I was so upset to my, like I'm missing bedtime. Like I'm missing this time with my baby. Like it's my favorite. Can I say when I just said nice, you know I was taking this.

Yes. No. I'm not like, oh, nice, right? Cute. I guess it's like some clip on TikTok. She said nice. Okay, what? Yeah, no, I...

So you had nothing to give physically. No. And then you lay on the sofa and you were just really nasty to yourself. And I felt so guilty because I was like, I could find some energy. I could find some. I could find some. I'll be fine. You know, like, I could find some. And then Alex was like, no, no, rest.

And I'm like, no. And that's when I'm so mean to myself. And I lie there and I'm like, I'm guilty and I'm... Can I ask you a question? Yes. Is there any part of you? that enjoys doing this to yourself. No.

You're sure? Yeah, it's horrible. Well, actually, probably yes. Actually, on the first level, yes, because it makes me like, I'm like, don't get comfortable with, like, don't, I don't want to sit in this, like, and I'm going to say lazy, and it's not late.

I know I'm not being, objectively, I know it's not lazy, but it feels fucking lazy. And I don't want to sit there and just be like, yeah, I'm, no, but I'm talking about this beasting yourself up, being like, yes, that's why. That's what I mean. Like, I'll beat myself up. so that I don't ever get comfortable.

I don't want to be comfortable in the role that I'm playing. So I think I need to be mean to myself to remind myself not to be a bad person. Does that make sense? I need to be mean to myself. Yeah. To remind myself that I'm not a bad person. Yeah, it doesn't sound healthy when you say it. But it kind of makes sense to me.

My job's done. See you later. No, I don't know. Like, I don't know if I'm explaining it. that very well. Yeah, if I'm being quite self-aware about it, yes. I probably don't want to just sit and be like, no, like this is me today. Like, I'm okay with this. What's, why? Because I'm not okay with it. Because I do feel like a bad mom and a bad wife. And I don't want to like accept being a bad mom or a bad wife. So it's how you're phrasing it in your brain. Yeah, weirdly.

Yeah, but it's interesting, isn't it? Like, you start off the conversation with, with, you know, I've got 20% energy and I need to decide where to put it. And I know in my brain that I can't put it everywhere. It can only go on one space because I have this condition and it's really hard. Yeah. And yeah, what I really am choosing to do constantly is sit there knowing that I can't do this thing and then just getting a whip out and smacking myself with it. Yeah, because I'm like, don't get, don't get comfortable.

Like, get up. Like the second you can get up, do you know what I mean? But you know that you can't. But I probably could. And that's it. If I, like, push myself, then I would. Do you know what I mean? No.

What do you mean? I have had appalling boundaries this pregnancy where because I feel like a bad mom and wife and friend and whatever, I've done loads of stuff that's made me so much ill it that I really don't think I actually want to do. But I'm just doing it because I feel like I have to. Yeah, but you don't have to. No, I know. No, I know.

You choose to. I know that. I felt like this is the name of the episode. That's your choice. But you choose to, right? Like, everything we do is a choice. And people don't like that. No, I don't like it.

No, because it's so much easy to blame everybody else. It's so much easier to get, oh, God, I'm so annoyed. I have to do this thing this weekend for this person. I have to do this because I, because, because being, I don't want to disappoint them. That's like a real victim mentality. Oh, I have to do this thing. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, right? But if you're really tired, how do you put up?

So let me explain that. Like, when I say you don't have to do anything, you don't have to go to work. It would mean that you can't pay your bills, you can't pay your mortgage, and then you're on the street. But just so you know, you don't have to. And so what you have to do is choose to think about it differently. Actually, I do want to go to work because I want to pay my mortgage and I want to pay my bills. And I want to be an upstanding member of society. Right.

So actually, I really do want to get my ass on the train and going to work. And it's how you change your mindset around their star. So I'm doing something this weekend, which was a. I'll have done already by the time this comes out. But I'm just, I'm dreading it because it's logistically going to be very difficult. Right. And I'm feeling, and I'm feeling so stressed about it. And I'm blaming and I'm resenting.

I'm resenting this thing that I have to do. You only ever, ever, ever feel resentful. Yeah. Towards anything outside of yourself because you know that you have not remained true to yourself. So if you are not going to stand up and put a boundary down and you're going to say yes when you mean no, right? Because you need to people please other people.

that's your stuff that's not their stuff but what happens when you're really tired and you don't want to put a boundary in like i like i haven't got it in me it's got nothing to do with being really tied but it is because it's like when when when we've done the work in the past right and like i've got to this really strong state mentally i'm like no i can put a boundary in because i am sure that this is the right thing to do and i am sure that i'm still a good person and i'm sure that i'm doing right for myself and that that in turn ought to be the right thing for those that love me like i can see that when I'm in a really good mental place. But at the moment, when I'm feeling really insecure

about being a good mom, daughter, wife, friend, whatever, I think I have this, like, added layer of fear that if I put a boundary in, or if I say no, that it's like they will be disappointed in me in a way that I'm, and I know it's my own shit because I'm already disappointed in myself. Do you know what I mean? And I think I also don't like saying no

where the old me would have said yes because I think, well, I would have been able to do this. So I just, I'll just do it. I'll just do it. And how's it working out for you? Terribly. Right. So you have to.

But also not terribly, because within that, there are things that I do want, like, I don't, I want to be able to keep being a good friend. Sure. But people that love you care about how you feel. Yeah, that's true. And people that love you know that right now, you're not, you know, you're in a situation that you are. living with this condition that is really tough and people that love you care right and so they allow

you to have that space to do that because they know that that's what you need so whilst you're trying to you know run around and do all of these different things and then be resentful and then be extra tired and blah blah blah it all sits on your lap to deal with yes so when you're really tired and you don't have the strength and you're already feeling insecure and you're already feeling like the need to people please more because you don't think I think that's the thing like if I don't feel like I'm pleasing people because I don't feel able to please people I will do more to try and please them do you know what I mean or I'll do less to not please them but you're constantly in a cycle of doom when you're talking about people pleasing yes you are constantly living an

inauthentic life you're living a life that is very small and you're trying to do something which fundamentally you cannot do because people choose how they think and in turn choose how they feel so feeling pleased is coming from my thinking not what you're doing and the more we learn to separate that of it's all about me, people pleasing that person

and da-da-da-da-da-da, right? It's an exhausting way to live your life. You cannot please people. They just choose to think, oh, she's doing what I want so I'm happy or they choose to think She's not doing what I want, so I'm not happy. And none of that's got anything to do with you.

And boundaries are important. It's that saying, and we've all seen it on Instagram, and it's worded perfectly, which is when you place down boundaries, the only people that are bothered by them, other people that are benefiting from you not having any. So that's number one. And people around you, as I keep saying,

the people that you want in your life, they care about how you feel, right? As you know, I'm going through grief at the moment. and it's a deep grief and it's painful and it's hard. And so I'm not my normal self right now. I need a bit more from my friends. I need them to support me a bit more. I need a little bit of a wide berth because grief is really fucking awful, actually.

The people that love me care about how I feel. When I speak to them and I'm upset and I'm, you know, I miss my dad or whatever, whatever, then they love me anyway. They want to hear that. They want to support me. I'm not sitting here going, oh my God, I'm such a terrible friend. and I'm so awful and oh my god and they're going to hate me because they love me and guess what I would do that with them yeah and that's how you start to have authentic beautiful relationships in

your life but you've got to be willing to be brave enough and courageous enough to say how I feel is really important to me and I can't keep running around trying to do this thing that I'm never going to win at unless I live an in authentic life how would one not feel like a burden in that situation if it's like a prolonged thing you know people start to be really mean to themselves with things like grief where it's like well you know people have heard me say this before or people are going to get tired of hearing this or whatever how do you not feel like a burden because the people that love me care about how I feel and the people that I love I care about how they feel and real relationships I mean my friends and I we laugh like I have one girlfriend of mine and this was years ago

I was talking about something I think it was when I was going through my divorce and I was like I'm look, I'm really sorry. I keep talking about this to you. And she just said something, it really made me giggle. And she's like, babe, I'm like your best friend. I signed up for this. It's like clause 3.6. Like, I'm here to listen.

And it was such a loving thing to say because people that we love want to know in the same way that you want to know about people you love. Yeah. For anyone listening who doesn't have people that they feel want to hear that, people that they have these connections with. I would say, ask them the. question put it out there straight like hey when i talk to you about my stuff can i just ask you like i've got this thing about being a burden is it a burden to you yeah and your friends who love you

are going to say don't be fucking stupid i talk to you about all my shit and then you go oh and then you should also question like when my friends talk to me about stuff do i think of that as like a burden not at all like that's how we get close to each other by being real and raw and authentic you know this thing about being a burden, trust me, I had a lot of work on that because that was one of the things that I'd been conditioned into believing through my childhood of like I was a burden if I had a thought or a feeling or an emotion or in anything. And I had to unlearn that pretty fucking quickly to get well, right? The people that love me care about how I feel and the people that I love, I care about how they feel. And so we've got to bring it all in. I don't know

why we seem to think that we can only have beautiful, authentic relationships if we're like our happy, happy selves. Yeah. Like, no, it's not real. Even with my friends, I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Like, loll, everything's terrible. Ha ha. That's it.

Like, I'm not going to bring anything more. Because I'm like, I don't, we didn't need to get it to all of this again. Like, I don't want every time they come to me to be like, oh, I'm miserable. So I just go, yeah, but you also don't want them to come to you every time. I go, yeah, fine. Everything's great. All is good. Wonderful.

Everything's, like, you'd be like, what? Yeah. That's not really. Hence why this podcast does so well. because you fucking put real shit on the table and you talk about and people go God I relate to that I mean that was one of the things I learned

in recovery when I went some meetings and things back and said it was like it was real people understood people got it it was so powerful to be understood people need to be seen heard and understood right that is how we grow

so be real about it and stop thinking that you're the burden Okay, so before we get on to some of the questions that I was sent on on Instagram, we've got deep today. I know. I want to, like, I want you to talk me through or help me work it out for myself. I am in this negative cycle. It's the evening. Like, let's say we'll go up to the evening because that's when I'm always the nastiest to myself.

Yeah. On a practical level, how do I stop being awful to myself? Okay, you're not going to like this. right yeah do the fucking work okay don't sit on the sofa and be unconscious the first thing you want to do is get a notepad out get a pen and bullet point your thoughts i am a really bad mom i'm a really bad wife i'm a really bad this right but put it down on paper there is such power in pen and paper right and i would even say stuff away from like the iPhone like actually get a pen and paper and bullet point your thoughts like what is going on and then very slowly

look at each thought i'm a really bad mom and maybe find some evidence to disprove that like is your baby still breathing yeah it's your baby being feds yeah is your baby sitting there goggling and happy and maybe clapping her hands and yeah all right she healthy yeah she got a roof over her head? Yeah. Okay. Are you at work supporting your kid? Yeah.

Do you talk to her and tell her that you love her? Yeah. Right? Don't make me cry. Yeah. Well, you can cry at the evidence or you can fucking be joyful about it. Yeah. And go, oh, wow.

And then, after you've got your evidence, you need to change your thought. What's making you upset? Tell me the thought that's making you cry. I don't know. What's the thought that you do know? What's the thought that's making you cry? It's just like, I don't know, it's nice to, like, I don't know. Because you do feel like a bad fucking one.

Wait, it's nice to what? Well, it's like, it's like when you say it all like that, it's like, yeah, okay, she's fine. That's what I talk about, my love, when I say do the fucking work. Because we can have an unmanaged minds that can cause us to do terrible, awful things to ourselves. Trust me, I know. I'm not sitting in the seat, not knowing, when. you're at right like i get you yeah and we have to do the work so the fact that you're sitting here crying because you're thinking you know what when i hear that stuff when i look at the facts yeah i'm like

wow i'm i'm actually not a bad mom at all that's called doing the work and that's a beautiful place to be because we get to change how we feel by changing how we think you're allowed to cry by the way. I've just too much makeup on. I don't. I've got to catch them before we go too far. But do you follow what I'm saying that?

Yeah. I think what is validating is that and encouraging is for me but also I imagine for people listening is that it feels very hopeless. When you start feeling very negative, it feels very hopeless. And the idea of like convincing myself

that I'm not all these bad things is quite difficult. But you're not convincing yourself. You're looking at facts. That's my point. Yes. And you can't ignore the facts. No. But I think without looking, without that reframe, what ends up happening when I feel, though, is that I look for a lot of external validation.

And it's not. It's never going to work. Well, no, because it's not, it's not what I need. And it's not there and it's not, well, it's not that it's not there. But in life, you don't have people following you around going, you're a great mom. Like, you're doing a great job. So you do have to do that for yourself. Yes, you do.

Yeah. when you're feeling, you know, angry with yourself or let down by yourself or not good enough, it's really hard to generate that, like, positivity for yourself. Yeah, and I don't even like positivity. Like, I'm not like, yeah, let's be positive. Like, I'm just really happy at the neutral space. The thing is I fucking love positivity. This is the annoying thing.

I'm so far away from my natural state at the moment. Okay, but you've got to take, when you do the work, you've got to take it in steps and stages, right? And you can't go from A to Z. You can't go from, like, I'm a bad mom. I'm an amazing mom. Like, it's just not realistic. But to get to, like, I'm doing good enough as a mom today. Like, that's just a more neutral space that's more realistic for yourself.

Yeah. Okay. See, that helps. I'm going to stop writing shit down. Okay. Enough about me and my tears, because that was quite enough. That's okay. I suspect there'll be questions of a similar vein.

But let's have a look at some that have come in. Can I just talk about not feeling good enough for a second? Yeah, please. It's like one of the things that, you know, I hear time and time again is that people are walking around feeling that they're not good enough and they could have achieved millions of things. They could be doing. Like, I just want to put out there that, like, that thoughts is actually the cause of

most of our problems and we think we're not good enough. but who are we pitting ourselves against and why are we saying that to ourselves when we wouldn't say that to anyone else and like not good enough for who or what or where or how right really we are all you know on a spinning planet in the middle of like a universe tiny little specks of dust right that are not here for very long and we just don't have to be doing that to ourselves we're all good enough all of us are good enough And good enough is good enough. We do exist within a culture that doesn't let women feel good enough.

Profit, everybody profits on women not feeling good enough. And we have choices. We do. But like you say, if we learnt this in school, it would be so much easier as it is. We've got to do it as adults. And it's like going to do the stupid kitchen cupboard. You know, like the one drawer everyone's got and everything's in a knot and a tangle. Yeah, but how do we want to live our lives?

and we need to, if we want to feel a bit better, then we need to take responsibility for that and say, right, I've got to do my work on my thinking in order to feel better. And whatever that is, then that's what I've got to do. Because who wants to walk around, you know, miserable all the time? We're not here for long enough. Okay, so there are a lot of questions, unsurprisingly, of a similar vein.

What was the question that you put out to get the questions back, just so I know. I said, hello, we're recording a podcast app today with our Fave Life Coach about going easier on yourself, silence and the inner critic, getting in your own corner. If you have anything specific that you would like to ask, please pop it below. Okay. So did we get any responses? Obviously we've got thousands of responses because we are all so horrible to ourselves. Nice and broad here. How do I stop not feeling good enough for other people? I always think that they could find better. Wow. So that that

What a thought process to step out your front door with. Well, hello, I do it all the fucking time. We're all doing it. Well, I don't think, I think it's a massive generalisation. I think people that are doing their work on themselves to become better are not all doing it. That's why I push and push about doing the work. Yeah. Right, you don't have to think that and you don't have to feel like that.

Okay, but for people who do, yes. What do we advise? I would advise definitely exploring why you have that thought. thought number one. Why do I think this? Why do I think that everyone can be, is better than me? And it's quite a, it's an unmanaged thought. It's, it's probably an unconscious thought. And it's the thought that's going to get you into a lot of trouble because it's uncomfortable and it makes you feel unhappy and it makes you feel less than and it makes you feel not good enough. And it's a thought like that that is going to create you the most pain. So I would definitely

suggest looking at the why you have that thought and then I would look at exploring that right where did I learn that thought where did I learn it and why would I choose to continue to have a thought like that when I can't actually say that that's true and real and factual because it's not a factual thought is that no it's interesting isn't it there's so many like this in here something how do I overcome like generations of blame within my family and stop blaming myself for my whole life like and I think that obviously that's quite specific but I think a lot of this probably does come from like generational trauma and generational shit definitely it's what we're taught and it's our responsibility to unlearn it it's our responsibility to say you know what I mean I got to

things as a kid that you know I had to unlearn in order to live a healthy a mentally healthy healthy life. And I didn't want to sit there and be a victim and blame other people. And oh, but this was so traumatic for me. And so was this traumatic. And so was this. And I just, you know, I'm just not good enough. And I'm just this terrible person. And this is how it is. And I mustn't speak up and I mustn't upset people. And I just have to, you know, stuff my feelings down. Like, I couldn't live like that anymore. And so I had to step into a space and say, I've got to look at the conditioning of what have I been taught. And it's no one's fault. Like, They didn't know better either most of the time.

Most of time, I can't say all the time. Most of the time it's like, you know, what they learn from their parents and what they learn from their parents, what they learn from their parents. We're in a generation today where at least we're talking about this stuff so that we can break a lot of that generational trauma today because we're talking about it and we're getting help about it and therapy about it. So we're like the generation that's, you know, lucky. And the generations before us, they didn't know better, as I say,

most of the time, not all of the time. so it's up to us as responsible adults to say I've got a lot of shit going on in my head I don't think I'm good enough I'm trying to please people all the time I am really hard on myself I've got to step into a space and do the work to change this right to do the work to change it and that's an individual journey it's an individual journey of what am I going to do to change this I can listen to YouTube stuff

there's loads of free stuff out there I can listen to books and things I can read books, I can do courses, I can go and get help, right? There's free help on the NHS, there's help that you can pay for, there's therapy, there's coaching, there's psychotherapy, there's so many options for us. We don't have to sit in that pain. Okay, so on a like reframing the thought thing, we've got people who feel that they're not good enough. What about when it's one step up from that and people who feel like they're hated?

people feel like people hate them or people don't like them or people don't really want to be spending time with them how do you stop projecting those insecurities onto the people around you? Yeah, because it's very self-obsessive and when someone told me that

I was like, that's fucking rude I was really offended by that back of the day but then I understood what they were trying to teach me which is that when I'm thinking that you're all thinking about me all the time that's me being self-obsessive So I have to, like, step away from that space because you've all got your own lives

and I'm pretty sure I'm like not that important in your head. What's more important in your head is you and your stuff, not me. Yeah. And I had to learn to cut that cord and step away from you all thinking about me all the time because you weren't. What about if it's not like all the time? What if it's just like...

I'm really into fact as like your listeners are probably listening to. And so get the facts that tell me, if you've got the facts that that's true, that someone has actually said that to you, bring on the conversation I'm up for it. If you're just assuming that and presuming that, probably not a good idea. Assumptions and presumptions are not your friends.

Yeah. They're not your friends. And it's often it would be a case, right, that we're just projecting 100%. Our insecurities onto them. Yeah. Not fair. No.

Look at your own insecurities. You know, like look at that. Look at you. Look at your part. Oh my God. Recovery. Told me that. What is my part?

You know, before I'd got clean and sober. was everyone else is full all the time. Ugh, right? And recovery was like, here's a big fucking mirror. Stop pointing your finger out and take a fucking look at you, girl. And let's look at you and your part. And I was like, wait, what? Yeah.

What do you mean me in my part, right? And it was such a shake-up for me. Because when we're doing that, right, we're not looking at our part in it. Okay. You're like, oh, I'm not sure I like that, Jack. No, the thing is, is you're right, like, I think the thing with you is, is obviously I've known you for like, like, four or five years now. And I know exactly that you're completely right.

And the proof has been in the pudding for me because you've changed my life. And I love the way you make my brain shift. But it, for people listening who don't know you or haven't felt like the breadth of your work or read your book or whatever, it's really confronting to hear that. It is confronting. And it's harsh, right? Yeah. Because, because, and by the way, I felt the same way when I started to get in

to, you know, again, when I got clean and sober, I was like, I need to sort my whole life out. And I had coaches, mainly they were American from like New York and they were so fucking tough. But they changed my life. I didn't want to hear it, but I needed to hear it straight because otherwise I was cool in my limiting beliefs and I was holding on to them and that was stronger. And when my coaches were really tough with me, it cracked through those limiting beliefs to give me a little bit of sunshine to go, oh, I can do this differently. So everything I say is hard and it's tough. It's always done with love and it's always done with kindness. It's just I'm not going to tip to around your limiting beliefs that are holding you back

because we've got to be as tough as those limiting beliefs, even tougher to make them fall away. Yeah. Also, I think what's very good and very interesting and something that's only really just clicking to me now is the way I speak to myself is as harsh or harsher than the way that you would back my response. saying about myself is fucking horrible, when you come back and say, well, that's a ridiculous thing to say, well, that's a whatever. It's like, that's actually in a really appropriate reaction to what I'm saying, because I'm not being, like, I'm not, I'm being horrible. And there's so many of these things that people are sending in are, you know, like, they're just hurting themselves. Like, I'm, I think everybody hates me. I think everybody

that I'm not good enough. I think whatever. And it's like, although those are vulnerable, statements and they are it's a vulnerability it's also when you break it down we don't have the facts without the facts it is just a horrible thing to say to yourself it really is and that's exactly what I'm saying which is why I'm so direct and so straight about it because if you're holding something like that that is so mean right which is we call it a limiting belief right it's a limiting belief it's so mean but you are grabbing onto that so tightly yeah that someone has to come along and crack through that a lot harder. Otherwise, you're going to hold on to it.

And this thing about not being good enough, like, everybody feels like that. Whoever's written that in, I want them to know, every single person has something in them where they think that they're not good enough, right? So be gentle and kind to yourself and walk outside your front door and think, well, God, everyone's thinking this at some point about themselves. And also, it's, and I keep reiterating this, life is social to, you have to remember. move the shackles of not being good enough, right? You are not here to be, you know, no one's judging you.

No one's like, you know, that you're not like the main focus of everybody's lives to see if you're good enough at their expectations. Like, fuck what people think. It's not your stuff. What about when people do have the facts, right? So there are people, there are a few questions about like, I've got these flaws and I've got these mistakes in my past that I cannot stop beating myself up for.

When you've got evidence to confirm that you are a bad person or not the, sorry, that's not, it doesn't exist, that you've done a bad thing. Yes. How do you move on from that? That's such a great question. Self-forgiveness is the most important thing. Again, when I went through recovery and I did the 12 steps, there was something in there about, you know, forgiveness. I remember it being such a life. bold moment that you know forgiveness was was so important for other people that had done things

and made mistakes i remember at the time someone said where did you put yourself on that list and i said well i haven't and they said well that's really imperative that you do to move forward we must learn to have forgiveness for ourselves now there's two more things we can look at that behavior and beat ourselves up or we can look at that and we can say you know what I did this thing I am not proud of it but I'm going to choose to say what are the things that I've learned from this so I make sure I don't do that again and I'm going to look at this as a lesson for my growth right and I'm going to become a better person from the space we must learn to forgive ourselves. If you don't do that, then you keep beating yourself up, no problem. If you're just

like, oh, I just made a mistake, oh, whatever, oh whatever, or whatever, and you're going around causing all this, you know, drama everywhere, right? But you're fine with it. Then that's another conversation. But if you're someone who's like, okay, I did this thing. I made these mistakes. I did not mean to do it. I didn't know better at the time. Because there's that beautiful saying, when we know better, we do better. So we must have. give ourselves or don't use it to keep whipping yourself and have a really awful life or step into a kind of space and say I have made a mistake I am going to learn from that mistake I'm going to make sure I don't repeat that pattern I have learned a lot from it I must say my stories where

I need to say my stories as long as I don't hurt people and from this space I'm going to grow and what about if it is an existing flaw like or an existing trait within ourselves that we don't like. Like, for me, I don't like at the moment how, like, I was like, what shall I choose? There's so much I don't like. But if you've got a trait within you that you get angry with yourself for, how do you, like, my temper with myself, like I'm so short-tempered with myself. I hate that.

I hate that. And I just say, oh, God, that's such an ugly part of me. What do you do then? What do you do if you've got a part of you that you just think it's quite ugly? Another great question. So we are all full of strengths and weaknesses, right? Nobody is perfect. Some of us are really good at something.

Some of us are really not great at other things, right? None of us are perfect people. I've worked with over 9,000 clients and I've never met a perfect one. Never. So I think this expectation of us being perfect, number one, needs to be dropped down to like, I just want to be like the best I can be. And when you have traits inside of yourself that you're not happy with, it is your responsibility to work on them and change them.

It's completely and utterly up to you. Or not, and don't do anything about it, but you can't sit there and bitch about it and moan about it if you're choosing not to do anything about it. If you have a bad trait, if you've got traits that you think about, like I'm jealous or I'm short-tempered or I'm impulsive, do you think you can learn your way out of those traits? 100% yes.

That's quite empowering, isn't it? 100% yes. And I wouldn't even label it bad. I would just say there's a part of me that is, I don't know, whatever, jealous of people. And I want to be a better person than that. So I need to look at how to change that within myself, right? Which is why I bang on and on and on about doing the work, right? Like if it's uncomfortable for you, which I think is a great thing because it's like your inner being.

It's like holding up a mirror and going, hey, this thing is. is not good for me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to be this person. Then use that as a as a catalyst to grow and change and look at yourself and make that change to get rid of that within you. Final question before I let you go. It's kind of for me. Having read the questions that we've got in, I think it will help a lot of people as well. How would you tell me or advise me to catch myself when I start going into a negative cycle? Because I think that's, and I know we need awareness but I think that's the thing that is frustrating is that often you can have you can be having a great day you can be really conscious and mindful and intentional with

your good day and then one bad thing happens yeah one thing goes wrong yeah or you fuck up one thing or whatever it is and then like bam bam go like with how you feel okay your feelings are pointers if you're feeling calm and peaceful you know know that your thinking is good. If you're feeling happy, you know that you've got good thoughts going on. The minute you start to feel down or anxious or nervous or worried or agitated, you would then say, oh, hang on, what am I thinking? Yeah.

And how can I think about this differently? Okay. Which doesn't mean, you know, stick a pretend thought in there because it sounds good because, you know, you've got to practice finding thoughts that you do believe. leave that's important, but go with the feeling. Okay. Because I'm feeling angry. Ask yourself, I'm angry.

What is going on in my head right now? Okay. I hate the way he just did that. Yeah. Okay. How can I think about this differently? Well, first of all, I can't control people, places and things. So I can't control what he did.

Yeah. Right. And maybe he did that because he's having his own terrible day. Yeah. And maybe this isn't about me. and maybe I need to step away from making it about me then I feel much calmer god I should do that all the time

it would just make my life so much easier but I don't but when you aren't feeling good and when you are in a negative cycle for whatever reason whether it be because you're poorly or because you're just your mental health isn't great yeah because you're human it is really hard to pull yourself into an intentional space well it's not hard right when you

learn to do it. So it's hard in the beginning because you're like, I haven't done this before. Yeah. So it's it's like walking up a hell. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You know, with a weight attached to you, you know, that you're dragging up the hell. It's hard because you've got to be conscious, got to be aware, got to, you know, be like, what's happening in my head? What's happening in my head? What am I thinking that today? But it does calm down. And I always say to my clients, the work is like when you drive in England and you get into the car and you get in on right hand side and you put your hands on the wheel and you look up to your wing mirror to the left like your brain knows what to do right and then i say to you hey let's go to france for the

weekend but you're driving you say okay i promise you're going to get in on the right hand side in the beginning right until you get into the left hand side and i promise you for a little while even when you get in on the left hand side you're going to be looking for your wing mirror in the wrong direction right yeah but eventually your brain clicks and it knows what to do and you get in on the left side and boom off you go and that's what we're doing with our brain Yeah, it's got to keep showing up for yourself. Or we can just go, oh, this is so hard. Oh my God, this is so hard. Oh, my God, I got a lot of it, right?

Yeah. Like, don't make your journey harder. Yeah. Just allow it. You're on the journey anyway. That's kind of how I feel. And it's like, I know I've got, I can't. Like, there's a very big part of me that just keeps thinking, well, I can just hold on.

Like, just give me, like, I've got like, however many months there. Like, not that many months left, not that many weeks left. I can just hold on and I will get through it. But I would also like to get through it in a way that's slightly less unpleasant than this. And although I can't do anything about the physical stuff, I can do something about the mental side of things. I feel like I want to pop, like, you know. Yeah, woo, she's got it.

Like, she's got it because that's exactly what I wanted to share with you. I can't make every day, and you're not saying that, and I'm not naively walking away thinking I can make every day sunny now and I can make every day better and I can cure myself and I can cure whatever fucking hormonal depressive, whatever state I'm in by just choosing to because it's not that simple, but I can choose within my days to make changes. Within your hour, within your tiny minutes, within your, you know, taxi ride, you can do that.

And that's exactly it. It's just teaching people that awareness and consciousness takes time. But when we get there, we start to go, oh, hang on a minute, I've got a choice. And, you know, as I said, I'm in grief at the moment. So when that wave hits me, because grief does come in waves, and I'm, like, sobbing from my gut because I really miss my dad. I know that it's okay to feel like that because it's important to process it. And what I also know is when I get a thought in my mind, which is like,

if my dad saw me sitting in the park sobbing, he'd be like, what are you actually doing, right? Like, you know, it can make me feel a little bit better because I've changed. my thinking around it. So feel the feelings, have the feelings, we are all human, we all go through it, but also know you then when you're ready, have a choice to change how you feel by changing how you think. You're the best. I think it's all been very helpful. I hope so. It has been for me. I really hope that, you know, people know that they are a lot more powerful than they think they are and that they are good enough and we are, you know, everyone listening is good enough.

Yeah. They really are, right? They are really good enough. And just to take the fucking whip away, lock it up in a room cupboard and just fucking leave at that. Like, you don't need to be walking out in the world, which is hard enough sometimes with a whip. Like, just be kind to you.

Yeah. Just be kind to you. If that's the only thing people take from this whole episode, it's like, just be kind to you. You're worthy and you're lovable. Thanks, Jack. You're welcome. Well, we've missed Alex.

But I've had a good therapy session. so thank you very much. We have missed Alex. She will be back, no doubt with her own problems soon, and we can get into that next time you join us. Thank you for having me. I love sitting here, you know, chatting away. It's so nice to just get into it.

We love you. We'll leave, as ever, Jacqueline's Instagram and the link to her book, which is really practical. For anyone who keeps hearing her say, do the work, but don't really know how. Her book's a really good place to start. that link is in the show notes yeah and there's a course as well at the life class people can do if they don't want to read a book or do an audio book there's a school i have called the life class

it's got a short course called the foundation course and you can do that online as well where you can start to really break down your thinking and learn as i say like doing the work learn how to do that you know as a self-development thing if you don't want to go and see anybody or you know some people don't aren't ready for therapy and things like that or coaching so this is something that you can sort of dip your toe into and see if it's something that you want to do for yourself or not. Love. You're the best.

Thanks, Jack. Thanks for having me. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Love you, bye.