Should I Delete That? - Sex, orgasms and libido: your questions answered by a sexologist

Episode Date: July 20, 2025

This week on Should I Delete That, we’re talking about sex. Our guest is Catriona Boffard: clinical psychosexologist, psychotherapist and globally recognised expert on sex and relationships. She’s here to help us understand the real reasons why so many of us often struggle with intimacy - and she explains that it’s often not *just* about sex. With your questions in hand, in this episode we cover everything from orgasms and libido to shame, pleasure and desire. And one of the biggest things we took away from this conversation was that it’s normal to have questions about sex - and that it’s healthy to talk about problems that we may be having. You can find out more about Catriona’s work at https://catrionaboffard.com/ Follow @sexologywithcatriona on InstagramYou can listen to Catriona’s podcast Asking For A Friend hereJOIN US FOR OUR BIGGEST LIVE SHOW EVER! We’re heading to Edinburgh for our biggest live show ever. We’ll be taking over the iconic Usher Hall for one night only on 3rd September. Head to SIDTLive.com for more information and to purchase tickets.If you'd like to get in touch you can email us on [e-mail] us on Instagram:@shouldideletethat@em_clarkson@alexlight_ldnShould I Delete That is produced by Faye LawrenceStudio Manager: Dex RoyVideo Editor: Celia GomezSocial Media Manager: Sarah EnglishMusic: Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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mind-blowing sex once a month or okay sex once a week what would you take hello and welcome back to should i delete that today on the podcast we are talking about sex katrina boffard is a clinical psychosexologist psychotherapist and sexuality researcher she's a globally recognized voice in the field of sex and relationships Katrina works to empower people to embrace their sexuality and she's here to help us understand the reasons why so many of us often struggle with intimacy we actually asked you on Instagram for your questions for Katrina and we were overwhelmed by the response and this chat covers everything from orgasms and libido to shame pleasure and desire one of the biggest things we took away from this conversation was that it's normal to have questions about sex

and that it's healthy to talk about problems that we may be having we hope you love this episode as much as we do here's Katrina hello welcome to the podcast I'm so happy to be here. I hope you're ready. Oh. For the most... Little shocks me, but we can try. I don't plan on shocking you, more overwhelming you.

Okay. With the sheer volume of questions that we got when we said we had a sexologist coming on the podcast. Okay. Got it. It's a barrage of questions. Right. I'll prepare myself. I'm mentally ready to go.

First things first, it would be really helpful if you could tell us what a sexologist is. Sure. Thank you. Because it's quite confusing. And in the UK, my title is psychosexual therapist. But I did my master's in Australia. There I'm a sex therapist and work in South Africa. I'm a clinical sexologist.

So really, sexology is an umbrella term for somebody who specialises in the field of human sexuality, who has kind of specialized training in the field of human sexuality. And then the, because that's the ologist bit, somebody who has the specialty in that area. And then what I'm doing, I work clinically. So I work with clients. I work with individuals. I work with partnered people to help them navigate through any difficulties or any kind of things that they want to change about the way that they experience sex and

their relationships. They experience their bodies. They experience their gender. And then within the idea of the realm of being a sexologist, I also do research and teaching, teach other therapists how to be psychosexual therapists here in the UK. and just kind of media stuff and helping people understand themselves better. So really, it sounds a lot more glamorous than it is. When people come to see me clinically, I'm helping them understand themselves

and make sense of their experience. Usually people are coming to see me because they've got a concern with sex or their relationship. And I would say most often sex is not the problem. It's where the problem is showing up. So yeah, a lot of people think that the work is like, I don't know, I don't know, some kind of like glamorous. It's not quite like Jean Milburn on sex education.

Similar, but not quite like that. I don't have a sort of line of dildos behind me in my office. That's a shame. Yeah, well, I mean, I keep them to the side, you know, bring them out when necessary. So, yeah, just helping people to navigate difficulties that they're experiencing. And so in the UK, you'd call me a psychosexual therapist. Yeah. Okay, so all things sex.

That was overwhelming, wasn't it? It is fascinating. It is. Yeah, it's a lot. Interesting that you say usually the problem isn't actually sex. Yeah, not often. Yeah, that's really interesting. Usually it's trauma, negative messaging around sex, strict upbringing,

stress, anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, becoming a parent, you know, going through a major life event. All of these things are going to impact us. They impact our well-being and sexual health. is part of our well-being. So they're going to impact our sexual well-being as well. Can I ask, what's the split between men and women for your patients, the people that you say? So if we're going to talk men and women, women are going to seek help far more often than men do.

But I know this to be true for other colleagues as well. I see a lot of young men, a lot of young men. I'm talking like 20-something young men. And it really depends. Sometimes I have more men in my practice than I have women. sometimes more women than men, just depending on kind of that gender identity. Yeah, varies. And do you typically see people on their own, or is it more often that people will come as a couple?

Again, it depends. It depends on the concern. So very often I'll see people on their own until there is something happening between a couple that they feel needs to be resolved. Although what I've often seen in heterosexual couples is that one partner will say you have a problem, you obviously don't want to have sex or you can't have sex or whatever, go and fix it, go and sort it out. And even that language, like, is problematic in and of itself.

I can see why they don't want to have sex with that person. Yes, exactly. Why would you want to? But a lot of the time people are coming because they think there's something wrong with them. And often there's relationship dynamics that are a concern. There's some relational issue that needs to be resolved. And again, so it varies. It depends on the concern that they're coming to see me for.

And it depends, you know, what they're aiming. are. Really, my work varies from helping people who struggle to reach orgasm and don't really feel like having sex. And then a lot of my work is around people who experience pain, penetrative pain, genitopelvic pain, when they're trying to have sex, when they're trying to use a tampon, when they go to the gyne for their smear test, you know, erectile dysfunction, also difficulties climaxing too quickly or not climaxing, gender concerns, gender dysphoria. It, ranges so much, so much. But I would say the kind of top things that I see often are, mostly I see the pain concerns. Is that vaginismus? Yes, vaginismus is one of them. And then

there's other type of pain concerns as well, such as vulvadinia, dysperunia. And then that's kind of talking about the vulva vagina and kind of the lower abdomen. And then pain can be caused by things like endometriosis, adenomyosis, polycystic ovarian. I mean, there's so many reasons for it. But difficulty with penetration or the inability to experience penetration when that's what you want, whether that is from the penis, a finger, a tampon or having your smear test, that usually is classified as vaginismus. But there is a whole change around the diagnostic criteria and how we look at that. But I have big issues with that. It's a whole other topic of conversation because I think it limits people's experiences. But yeah, virginismus is one of them.

And it's a big motivating factor for a lot of people, virginousness is I want to have a family, can't even get a tampon in, how am I going to get a penis in, how am I going to fall pregnant? And so they seek out therapy. Usually it's kind of their late 30s that that happens. It's a very typical thing that I see. Wow, okay. Sorry, you said pain was one of the things that you see most typically. What were the other things you typically say?

Wow, problems with orgasm. So for anybody, struggling to reach orgasm, climaxing too quickly, you know, a lot of anxiety around. it, difficulty in experiencing that in their bodies, allowing themselves to experience pleasure, then not having any interest in sex, not wanting sex, that's a huge thing for any psychosexual therapist, and that often is needing partnered focus. A lot of people will come on their own, and I'm a big believer that it's very much what's going on between two people that often results in that. So I'd say those are the main ones that people come to see me usually and then when you treat people is it like therapy sort of therapy like we'd think

of therapy you just sit yeah yeah just chat exactly exactly you're just going to see like a therapist I just have specialized in sex and relationships are people really awkward talking to you about this um or are they desperate to oddly not because I'm also so unfazed by this topic I think that I hope I hope that that helps people to be relaxed usually the first session is quite fraught in the way that somebody's trying to explain themselves. But I often find nowadays that people are quite willing to talk about it. And usually by the time they come to see me, they really, really want help. And I hope that the kind of space that I create is safe.

So far, so good, I haven't had anybody say otherwise. And that it's a non-judgmental space. And like, you know, I said to you, nothing really shocks me. And I actually have to say that to people when they tell me, like, you know, I really just don't want to have sex with my partner. Is that bad to say out loud? say to them no it's really okay to say that out loud i know that's hard to say out loud but let's consider why that might be the case you know is that something going on individually for you

something's happening between you as a couple let's look into it um so some people are very open i find more and more these days i've been doing this for about 13 14 years already people are way more open now i think social media has helped with that you know we see people talking about it openly on social media it gives us permission to talk about it as well You know, I think there was a podcast episode, Megan Traynor and her husband were speaking on, sorry, and her brother. They have a podcast called Working It or something like that. And they were speaking about Megan experience of vaginismus postpartum. And, you know, when I was doing my doctoral research, two of my participants, you know, they're independent of each other, named that podcast episode and how wonderful it was to see.

see a celebrity talking about it, but they also named how difficult it was that the media picked up on the fact that it might have been related to her husband's penis size and not the fact that she'd had a, you know, kind of what's called a secondary vaginismist that comes out later. It's kind of an acquired thing. So I think that people are getting more comfortable, but it is. It's a shameful, there's so much shame around it. That's one of the biggest things, you know, that we'll look out in this field is the shame that people often experiencing around it. And not even having the words, not even having the language to be able to name what it is you're experiencing. That's also huge. So generally taking quite a gentle approach and trying to

bring some sense of kind of, I guess, lightness or ease to the topic of conversation. But I always gauge where somebody is at when it comes to how able they are to talk about it. Yeah, to share. Very briefly, because we have got to get into our barrage of questions, but how did you get into like sex specifically? So I was doing an undergraduate in psychology, kind of not sure what I wanted to do, you know, with my career in my life and thought I'm interested in psychology and had one 45 minute lecture when I was in third year. And they talked about sexual dysfunctions, which is a term I have a lot of issue with because nothing's dysfunctional about someone when they're experiencing a change in the way their body responds sexually. It's

quite typical. So one lecture for 45 minutes on sexual dysfunctions. I thought to myself, I never heard of these. I used to drive to university in the morning. I used to hear erectile dysfunction ads on the radio at 7 o'clock in the morning, but why have I never heard the word vaginismus before? Why have I never heard the word an orgasmia? That's a difficulty in orgasm. It's like, why have I never heard these words? I'm at university. I come from a family of doctors. Then I started asking my girlfriends about it. I was like, do you know about it? They had no idea. that kind of got me really interested in it. And I was just lucky to meet a woman by the name of Professor Elna McIntosh who had an abortion clinic. And she read Sexual Health and Abortion

Clinic. And I went to go and work with her. And she just gently pushed me in the direction of it, really, because I just found it to be so fascinating and so lacking. And why are we not talking about this? Why? Why is, you know, Viagra's been around since the 80s? You know, and now is available over the counter. But what's happening for everyone else? Women, non-binary people, trans people, what hello why why why why is only now this week a smear test a home smear test being offered you know so i saw something in the news about the smear test about the specklin and how it hasn't changed since like the 1800s isn't that it's wild isn't it why i mean how long have we got but i mean there was no funding into endometriosis for 40 years yeah no significant funding until

recently. You know, so there's a lot to be said about pharmacy companies making money and kind of the male-focused. I mean, even there's a book called The Invisible Woman. We know it. Okay. We love it. Yeah, yeah, I love it, right? I mean, even just looking at that or the vagina Bible, which is the most phenomenal book. Also, yeah, yeah, Marina's amazing. And the way she talks about it is just, it's eye-opening. Absolutely eye-opening. So I think, I think, that that's got a lot to do with it. The things haven't changed and there needs to be a change. And I've forgotten what the question was.

Oh, how I got into it. How I got into it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what motivates me. Questions. Are you ready for a thousand million questions? Let's go.

Now, I could have organized these and I didn't. So I have a feeling we're just going to be like meteoros. We're going to be all over everywhere. But I think the one that keeps coming up in various shapes and forms is about libido and how it changes within a relationship. Sure. And people are specifically asking why that happens. And like if it's normal, if it's a bad thing that you obviously have lost and whatever

at the beginning and that tails off. When is it, what's normal? What can we expect? When is it a problem? It's the most common question people ask. So I'm not surprised there are possibly half of those questions might be about libido. It's really typical. if two people expect that their desire to have sex will be different at particular stages in their

relationship if they accept that that there's going to be a difference that sometimes one partner is going to want it a lot less than the other maybe it's going to change maybe it's always going to be like that it's a protective factor to when the difference is there when it's present and it's not actually the fact that one partner doesn't want to have it and one partner wants to have it a lot that's the issue. It's the difference between that's the issue. But what I would say is the absolute kind of focal point when it comes to libido is pleasure. We don't think we talk about pleasure enough. And myself and so many of my colleagues will hop on about this until the cows come home because it's so necessary. If the sex is not good, why

would you want it? Why? So that's factor number one. But then let's throw in the context of what's going on for you in your life. Are you going through the, you know, are you going through menopause? Have you just had a baby? Have you just lost a parent or a loved one? Are you on the kind of fringe of being retrenched? Are you in huge financial debt? Why on earth would your brain be able to get into a headspace that goes, let's welcome in, let's let go, let's be present, let's get experienced pleasure. Why? How? You know, for a new parent, if you're constantly expecting to hear a baby cry, and that is how we primed, particularly as mothers, as primary care givers, you're going to find it very hard to be present and pleasure happens when we're present

in our bodies. So most people will struggle with wanting sex, one, if it's not with wanting, to if the context of their lives, the stage and age is off. And I think if they think that it should be different, if they tell themselves, I should feel like this. I must feel like that. I ought to. That's not helpful. I always say to people, who said you should?

Who? Who told you you should want it for? And also this idea of like, you should have it three times a week. Who said that? Who's got time for that? Oh, my God. Who's got time? Who's got time?

More energy. I had somebody asked me a question recently and said, they said to me, like, how often would you want to have sex? I said, it's not about a number. I said, if I said to you, you could have mind-blowing sex once a month or okay sex once a week, what would you take? They were like, oh, I think I'd take the once a month. I was like, yeah, me too, Robbie.

Because that is worth wanting, that you're going to want more. But I think that the thing we've been led to believe, and movies don't help us with this, And I grew up in kind of the Cosmo era of, you know, agony aunts and all of the things. And yes, I wrote articles for Cosmo a long, long time ago. But I think growing up in that era as well, there was this idea that it just happens. Just, you know, your partner reaches out and all of a sudden, like, I'm ready to go. No, that's not how it happens. And really, if there is no other place in which a couple experiences kind of an erotic charge,

and like some eroticism between them, even if it's like a flirty text message or WhatsApp, a kiss in the hallway that's, you know, just longer than a pet could buy, holding hands, one partner doing something nice for another partner. You're just going to, you know, put the cake into the oven and it's cold?

How are you going to make a cake? You know, so I think people have this expectation that it just happens, that it's out of the blue that I just wanted. And yes, absolutely for a lot of people, that does happen. Usually it's very inconvenient times when they're not anywhere near somebody they want to have sex with, like sitting at their desk, you know, taking the tube. It's just, oh, yeah.

Oh, I feel like sex right now. But for most people, they respond to something that triggers their sense of interest, willingness, desire. And that can be what's building up between two people over some time. It could be a couple of days. It could be a week. You know, if you've got two people who haven't seen each other in a couple who haven't seen each other in a little while, that's been building up and building up. They might want to rip each other's clothes off, and one of them might feel immense pressure that they have to want that. So it's so nuanced.

But I think that the way we've been led to believe it works is not helping us. And if we constantly focus on how much you should want or how much I should be having, we miss out on the fact that is it sex that's good, is a sex that's great? Because then it's not, why would you want that? and I mean even just thinking about pain when I work with people who have pain they say like I don't even want sex I'm like why would you want sex it it hurts every time you have sex

why on earth would you want it and even for a lot of women when I say that it's like this light bulb goes off in the head of like yeah that makes a lot of sense oh my goodness why would I want to have this thing but I'm trying to grit and bear it or if I've got say a young man who's struggling with performance anxiety

why would he want to have sex if he thinks every time he's going to have sex he's going to lose his erection and that's going to make him feel like less of a man Elizabeth partner, it's so nuanced, and yet there are some kind of really fundamental things that have named there that we need to consider. God, it's so complicated, isn't it?

And, like, going back to, like, libido and desire and how much a couple has sex, when you explain it and explain everything that goes, that is behind it and all the different variables, it's a miracle that, like, some couples are able to have, like, a good sex life where everything is like hunky dory because it's hunky dory or hanky-panky because it's because it's so complicated because if you're yeah if one person's desire goes up and down all the time and their libido and then the other person and it's going to be at different times and it's like how do you reconcile and bring that together but then but then you've also got like forgetting sort of circumstance but like physical like actual sex drive like that differs from

person to person, doesn't it? So how, if you're in a couple and one person has a really high sex drive and the other one has a low or a medium average sex drive, how do you reconcile that? How does that work in a really healthy way? So I'm going to just take one step back. I don't like the idea of a sex drive. I believe there's no such thing as a sex drive, right? Because a drive is something that keeps us alive. Our drive, we've got hunger drives, we've got thirst drives, we've got thermoregulation all of those things our body says oh i'm cold get a jacket put on a jacket i'm not cold anymore so i don't now no i don't need anything more oh i'm thirsty i have something to drink my thirst is not there anymore oh i'm hungry have something to eat i'm not

hungry anymore sex is not like that right the less you have the less you want the more you have the more you want assuming it's good that's the that's the caveat so it is a that's interesting to give some like theoretical speak it's an it's a incentivized motivational system in our brains if we have good sex we are going to want more of that good sex if we have bad sex we're not going to really want it and once you have it it's not all of a sudden that you don't want it anymore it's not like hunger it's like you'll want it again and you'll want it again so that's why i don't think it's a drive okay so that makes sense yeah totally yeah yeah because a lot of people are asking, are you born? Like, is a sex driver an innate thing that you're born with?

So there is a school of thought around attachment and attachment theory, which is our motivation to seek closeness and to feel security in a relationship and safety and security. And this stems from childhood. And so if we look at the motivation as to why somebody wants to have sex, there's a fantastic study that all my colleagues, we always talk about it all the time, they found 237 reasons why people have sex. It ranged from my feet, cold to I was angry, like great and great reasons. It was done on college students, so it's not really representative of people who have full lives, families, stresses and things like that, but it is really helpful because it helps us to consider that we reach for closeness and

connection for different reasons. And so to come to your question, Alex, if you're talking about reconciling, you might have one person in a relationship who feels secure and safer once they've had sex with their partner, like, okay, this is a relief. Maybe that's like something they're very aware of, and maybe it's something they're not so aware of. But there's a sense of, I've got to connect with you in this way, because after we've done that, okay, feel better. Like, this is a good, we're good, we're good. And other people are not reaching for each other through sex or any kind of sexual intimacy to feel a sense of security. They might do that in other ways with their partner. They might show up for their partner in other ways. So it's difficult when you've got two people

who have differing levels of desire. And I'm going to come back to the point that I made initially, which is if two people anticipate that there will be differences, that's already a protective factor. And how else do you connect outside of sex? Because if sex is the only place that you feel some sense of want, you're not going to feel very satisfied. And you've got one person who's constantly going to reach and another person who's getting the message, I want sex, not I want you.

you. And they're very different. So if there's no other place in the relationship that it feels like that erotic spark exists, it's going to be very hard for somebody to automatically just switch on, let's go, I'm ready. That's not going to happen. Some people need slow to build up and other people are ready to go, the drop of a hat. So I think it really comes down to talking about this in relationships. You know, what's it been like for you previously? You know, what were the expectations your partner placed on you previously when it came to sex? What are the expectations you feel I'm placing on you? Is the sex that we're having enjoyable? Could we, you know, is anything you want to do? But these are the hard conversations people struggle to have that

they often are coming to see us and, and my me and my colleagues about. That sounds like a fundamental issue in the relationship with like different love languages and yeah. Like we've done, we did something about this before. It was an eye opening, wasn't it, about the attachment styles. and oftentimes people ending up with people with different attachment styles to what they've yeah standard that is standard and does that manifest within sex is often as well sex is an attachment behavior so people seek safety through sex sex is like a way in which they can say oh okay we're okay or we're not okay but that's not for everybody so yes so it's quite typical that you have two different attachment styles that find each other and the one is

unavailable and the one needs more and more and more. And so sex can become this fraught place or sex can become this place that is where I feel okay to connect with you, but outside of that, I'm not available. So it's so representative of so much of what's going on in our lives. And at the same time, I don't want to over-pathologize it. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge, like, I haven't slept in five weeks. I just don't want to have sex with you right now. I want to go to bed. I just want to go to bed when the baby goes to bed. And, you know, it's not about you. It's about me and the fact that I haven't slept, right? And where does a couple who's in that situation go to get connection that isn't about sex? So the more pressure they are placing

on that sexual dynamic, the more fraught it's going to become. So often it's about where else do you connect? How is it that you're feeling this lack of stability in the relationship? Can we look, can we kind of zoom out and look at the context of what's going on, what's going on to the both of you at the moment. So it's really nuanced, as you said, really nuanced. If you have a situation where it's like, and I'm thinking of women's bodies because that's the one I have, and that's the one I'm assuming most of our listeners have, if you're experiencing a low sex want or drive, or for lack of a better word, sex drive, and you just,

you don't fancy it or it hurts when you have it, or. whatever else you know you're too you're just not feeling connected with your partner do you believe that that's something that can just change if you just ride the wave out and it will get better or do you think when something like that happens in a relationship you've got to address it i think you've got to address it okay most people don't yeah most people do just go you know what it will get better i'll just write it out um and the problem is then you've probably got a partner who's trying to reach you sexually and trying to connect sexually and that's making you feel resentful or more dread or or more anxious, so you actually move away from it.

And very typically, in a couple, I'll see that the person who doesn't want to be having sex because it hurts or they're exhausted or it's not good stops physical intimacy because they don't want their partner to misconstrue a reach, a physical touch. So, you know, if their partner wants to have sex and they're going, oh my God, I cannot think of anything worse. The standard line I hear from a lot of women, heterosexual women, is if I never had to have sex ever again, I'd be okay with that. I feel so sad.

If I had to. Yeah. If I never had to have it ever again, I feel so sad when I hear it, right? Because I know that that's coming from a place of disconnect. It's coming from a place of pain, emotional pain. And it's, it's, it's, there's actually a longing in that. There's a real longing in that to be seen in a very, very different way than just sexually, just desired sexually.

At what point when someone comes to you, either in a couple or by themselves, At what point, I mean, do you ever say, like, I actually think you need to look at your relationship and maybe this relationship isn't for you? Yeah, it's got to be, there's got to be a point where it's like, I don't think this is about you, this is about the relationship and it not being right. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay. And I think that what you're saying there, if I'm hearing the kind of undercurrent of it, if two people are coming into, in the therapy space, usually they're wanting to work on it. but I can say it's quite obvious when one person is doing it as a perfunctory exercise. Right, right.

It's obvious. But at the same time, if two people are coming in and saying we really, really want to try and make this work, but we're really struggling, and they are so vastly different, I do think it's necessary to say, look, we've looked at this and we've looked at that. I'll always, I always try with people, always, if I've got two people sitting in front of me where I'm thinking like this person, this is bad, this is unconstitutional. safe, this is risk. That's a different story. But when I've got two people just really struggling to connect when they're doing this with one another, that's really sad. But it doesn't mean we're not going to try, you know, we're not going to try. And I think that's something that's very interesting that, again, is a whole other topic and it's going to veer us off slightly. And it's very dear to me. I was diagnosed with ADHD in, God, like nearly two years

ago. And I mean, transformative for my life, but transformative for my work, because I finally started seeing the people I work with through a different lens and realizing how many people are struggling from a sensory perspective when it comes to sex, the way their partner touches them and how that feels in their body. And so when I've got two people sitting in front of me that want to be together, that is even something that I need to take into consideration is what happens in your body when they touch you like that, even though they mean well, are you experiencing that as wanted or unwanted? And could you communicate? that differently. Like, I don't like it when you, when you touch me like this, that feels really

unwelcome and it agitates me versus when you like, you know, gently do this, that feels exciting and, you know, that sends my system into kind of an arousal space. So that also is like a whole other area that is nuanced around it, that it's a difficult question to answer overall because every couple's different, but I will say it if we've tried and if it's not a risk safety-based thing for sure the systemic and i'm sure you must have seen this in your in your learning as much as in your practice but like of the systemic role like how relationships are supposed to look and how women feel like they're supposed to behave within relationships do you consider that to be a big factor within like individual dynamics

because shame feels big like in the questions that are coming up there's a lot of people like women who've got higher sex drive than their partners. But it seems really unfair because it's like they're shamed if they want sex, but then they're shamed if they don't want to have sex because then they're not being good girlfriends or partners. Where must we be? Where? How?

Yeah. Where do you fit in? Right. And you're so right about that. And inherently, I'm a feminist about this. And at the same time, I do quite like the idea of a traditional, you know, traditional household or traditional roles. So I think we can hold both at the same time.

But what we're getting, you have to be comfortable to do that. But I think what we're getting from the outside world is, You must do this, but you mustn't do that. You mustn't do this, but you must do that. It's so confusing. And I absolutely agree with you. I don't think there is a kindness towards women in either direction, you know, which is ridiculous. And it's not the same for men.

We know that. It's not the same for men. And actually, that's what I often hear with the young men that I see is they're really struggling to kind of reconcile that. Is I'm supposed to be X and I'm not experiencing it. So what am I? So it's also, you know, the identity thing about what's going on there for them. I think that for women, it's so hard because women have gone from being home, being the primary caregiver, not working.

Now, in 2025, it's almost impossible for one, for, you know, the mother, for example, not to work unless the mother is full-time caregiving. And that, let me tell you, is harder than any job in the entire world. And there is no leave. There's no paid holiday. That is insane. And I truly do get that now. But what we've got now is kind of a crisis where we're talking about women specifically here. They're either working all day and then coming home and having to be a partner, be a parent, be all of the above.

Or they're at home all day, being touched out, being needed, being called mama, mama, mamma, all day long. And then they just want peace and quiet when their husbands or partners, come home and they're thinking like, please don't come near me, right? And so where is there space as well for women then to explore themselves? Women to, who's giving us permission, you know, to explore our bodies, our sensuality, our experiences, our pleasures? And I think we have come a very, very long way, but we've still got a long way to go because the narrative doesn't help women, the narrative in the media, kind of the narrative even between women, Even schoolgirls, you know, if you're found out to have slept with somebody, you're labelled.

But then if you don't, you're labelled. So how do we win, really? Where is there a win? And I do think it comes down a lot to internally the confidence that you have in yourself around your own sexuality and your sexual needs. But that's about exploring. And I don't think people with women specifically, no one's giving women permission. That's a big reason why I got into the work.

that I do. No one's giving women permission. And then women don't know where to turn to. And because of the shame, as you spoke about, it's like, well, how do I explore this without it being shamed? And I feel so ashamed that I'm having to do this. And what's wrong with me? Am I broken? Am I normal? Should I want this? Should I want that? It's so weighted. It's so heavy with shame a lot of the time that it prevents people from kind of acting on it and exploring it. And ideally, I mean, if I could wave a magic wand, people wouldn't feel shame around their sexuality. They'd feel kind of free in exploring their sexualities. But our outward world tells us it shouldn't be like that. And so that coincide, should I say, with our inside experience of it. But there's

that tension of, but I want to do this, but that doesn't, I don't think that's right. I shouldn't have to do that. You know, I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. None of those things are good for our sex life. And I think that, you know, women exploring their sexuality, oh, got to change. It's so boring that women are being called slutty or frigid. It's so boring. Can we please move? Like, not you. Please, this is definitely not you guys.

Can we please just generally move on from it? Like, we need to be given permission and space to explore and to experience sex and our bodies in the way that we want to experience them. But that has to be done in the context of safety. But you're safe enough to do that. So it's also our dad to partners. It's so funny. And we talked about it in a recent episode.

In a recent interview, it's like, growing up, it's like the, like, boys really want sex. They're like very, like, horny for a better word. And they want it. It's a horrible word. And they want it all the time. And then girls don't have any kind of motivation for sex. And it's there science in that. Sorry.

There's not. Because there's testosterone, right? Testosterone is what is fueling a lot of that desire. that urge. We have testosterone, too. We do. And I, this is, this is a, is a mental thing much more than anything else in my opinion, right? And, and, and, and let me give an example and your parents, this might be very uncomfortable

and or it's going to be very enlightening. Okay. It is, I'm ready. Let's go. I know it's going to be the former for me. Please go. Well, let's get uncomfortable and then you can get over it and move on, right? Okay.

So, it is completely normal for small children to touch their genitals, like totally. I think you're going to say something way worse than that. Yeah, I thought we're saying about our parents. Oh, I think that's something about you. It's going to say, our parents, that's a whole other conversation. Well, I mean, we could talk about our parents. They probably, it's very unlikely they had conversations with us, you know, and we were shamed if we had our hands down our pants when we're watching TV, you know, as a three-year-old.

It's completely developmentally appropriate for a small child to get an erection. but that I mean it's horrifying for a lot of parents I remember having a conversation in my mom's group I've got this really special group of friends well kids are all around the same age and they were like can we call you when that happens I was like it's just a physiological response in the body it's so it's just blood flow like your pupil dilates the penis dilates it's just that you don't see it on on a girl you know with you don't see the vagina dilating that's the internal organ you don't see that but so anyway so it's horrifying but you know for a lot of people to hear that it's horrifying but this is very this is

it's physiology yeah now what happens if a small child has their hands in their pants because it just feels nice wow it just feels nice they know nothing about sex they know nothing about what it means in the bigger wider world but they will be shamed for that get your hands out your pants that's not good don't do that you shouldn't have your hands in your pants and girls don't do that that's dirty that's gross we're just passing down intergenerational messages so that's where they're the shame often stems from. And what happens is it's more acceptable for boys. Oh, boys just do that.

Oh, that's just what happened. And it's shut down way more for girls. So there is no conversation about it or there is negative. Whereas for boys, it's often more like affirmative or neutral. And so there's no permission being given. You know, adolescent girls are experiencing as much of this kind of sexual, development as boys are, anybody, any human body is going through that because of hormones. It's just a social thing, I think.

It's so hard, isn't it? Because I grew up with so much shame around sex in my family. I mean, to this day, I've never heard my mum say the word sex. It's SEX if it has to be said, which it rarely, rarely does. And I am really determined not to pass down that shame. But it's so hard, isn't it? And I mean, my son is like learning loads of words. and he's like Willie.

I don't even know if that's the right thing to teach him for his penis. I don't even know, but he calls it Willie and Lily. And he grabs it. It goes, really? Like this. Sorry, I'm throwing my mum and my son under the bus here. And then my mum sees that and she's like, stop it. He can't do that.

And I'm like, but it's not doing anything wrong. No, he's not. No, and it's like, it's just. It's her discomfort. It's not. Yeah. It's her discomfort, right? And her discomfort's passed on to you.

Yeah. And what you've just said is amazing. I don't want to pass that onto my son. I don't want him to feel that around his body, that it's bad or it's shameful. There are boundaries, right? So I'm, you know, going to teach my son. I know it's nice when, you know, you touch your penis and there's actually evidence around using correct anatomical language.

Is that? Yeah. There's really interesting evidence. There's evidence around correct anatomical language and sexual development. The trajectory is slightly different if we use correct anatomical words. Okay. And so I'm going to give him the permission. You know, boy, I know it's, I know it feels really.

nice to do that but that's not something that you can do when you're out on a you know on the tube the bus you know at the playground that's something that you can do when you in your bedroom alone so you have to it's all age appropriate ways in which you can speak to your kids but they do need permission to experience the way that things feel nice just like my son wants me to scratch his arm that just feels nice you know but we have to be we have to put the rules in place to protect kids and so you i guess have the opportunity to face your own discomfort around it he's only going to internalize your discomfort. So if you say, you know, boy, come on, take your hands out your pants, you know, I know it feels nice when you touch your penis or you really, whatever

language you want to use that you can feel comfortable with. That's also okay, but there's no shame in it. It's just like, okay, yeah, move on. I'm going to say this out loud, my poor child, he's got a long way to go before and he gets there, bless him, but he kept saying, my penis is big, my penis is big, because he gets an interaction. It's normal. It's just a normal physiological respond. I just say, okay, boy, it's totally fine. It's a normal boy. If you don't touch it, it'll go down. Let's do something else. Yeah. You're just move on. Yeah. I want to be like that. We teach so much shame, don't we? Yeah. We inherit so much shame. Yes. Yeah. We are, yes. Okay. Going back to these questions,

this I find very interesting, and I'm guessing you're going to say it's attachment style, but why do I want sex to the man who doesn't want me? Why am I into it so much? I can't give a specific answer there because I don't know the specific context and the nuance to this person's experience, but without a doubt, if I'm speaking very broadly, there is something to be said about wanting what we can't have, right? It's like it's a part of our makeup as human beings often. We want what we can't have or what we can't get. And yes, absolutely, there could be some attachment stuff there. The unavailability is what is desirable, is what turns that person. on is what makes them want that person more.

So it could be that, but it also could speak to a sense of self-esteem, how they feel about themselves. It's very difficult to answer that question, but yes, absolutely, there is some attachment stuff that we could look at, for sure. This is actually a nice question from a man, saying my wife has lost her mojo, quote on quote, since having two kids. How can I help her find it again? So I definitely know that's from a man.

Yep. Okay, cool. First of that's a really nice question that he's asking about how he can help her find her mojo. I'm assuming that means like getting interested in him again sexually. So I think that on the one hand there's something to be said about how he might be feeling the disconnect and might be feeling that change in their relationship from being the kind of individual primary focus for each other to now not being the primary focus. And when a parent's attention is fully on the child, often the parent who isn't being attended to like they were before, like they were attending to each other before, can feel a lot of grief around the change of that dynamic. And it has to be acknowledged that there is a change in dynamic now. And I think people put so much pressure on themselves, like, you know, after having kids to get back into it, like, oh, the six-week check-up, that's not about getting a confirmation that you can have sex. It's got like minimal to do with it. And I think that a lot of partners are like, oh yes, six weeks. Now we can have sex. I honestly couldn't have thought of anything worse six

weeks, you know. It's the most becoming a parent, it's the most undignified experience of my life, truly. Like there's not one aspect of me that feels sexy, that feels that way. And so to this guy, I'd say, well, actually, one of you spoken to your wife about it. Like, I feel a little bit disconnected from you or, you know, I've noticed that you're not feeling yourself or you've made comments that you're not, you know, feeling good in your body. Is there anything I can do to help you? You know, are you feeling pressure from me? Is there anything we could do to spend some time together? Because that's also a thing. You go from being with each other all the time, especially as you get closer and closer to having kids. You're with each other all time. You're trying to celebrate

these moments before the kids come along and then all of a sudden you have no time whatsoever. And it costs you a lot more money to go up for dinner now because you've got to pay for your babysitter and you've got to pay for dinner. And so it's like those micro moments of connection that I often say to people. Don't throw money at the problem. If you've got it great, but it's not necessarily going to be the thing that matters.

And I can probably speak to myself, but I know for a new parent or a mother of small children, like honestly, being given time on my own, my husband's like, don't worry, I'll take it today. Yeah. That's hard. I'm not the person he asked the question to. But since having my second baby,

my husband has prioritised my mental health and my mojo, not in like a sexual way. No, just your... I'm tired. But my, like my mojo, my spark, finding me again or whatever. And he like gives me, he's very proactive with that. And I'd say if you're, yeah, to him, I'd say do that. Absolutely. Because that'll get her back to her faster.

Yeah, totally. Because you lose so much of yourself when you become a mother or you become a parent. It's such a huge seismic shift in life and in a relationship. And so if you're able to tap back into yourself again, but also the patience knowing that it's not going to be like that forever, I love that he's being proactive because I think that that's the really beautiful thing, not just, okay, well, we'll just wait, we'll wait, or wait, or wait. The resentment often builds up over that time if you're not facing it head on.

But yeah, it's about, well, how can I support you, you know? You touched on it earlier, but someone's asking for specific tips, and that's about switching their brain off during sex. She says that she's always thinking about her to do this. So, again, it's very hard to give specific examples to, well, it's very hard to give direct suggestions to such specific questions. So there's a few things. Firstly, I have an ADHD brain.

It takes a lot to switch my brain off. My brain's always going. And it's very typical that my brain, is thinking about other things when I'm needing to be focused on something. Sex could be one of those things. Usually learning to do some mindfulness is considered to be a really good way to help refocus your brain and quieten down your thoughts. But there could be many, many reasons why her brain is running so hard and so fast and

all over the place all the time and it's very difficult to focus on sex. And so the broad answer I can give is, practicing mindfulness outside of sex, taking a few moments of pause every day to just kind of focus inwards on your body, just notice sensations that you feel in your body, and then trying to focus and like anchor your attention during sex to sensation. What's it feel like to be touched where you're being touched? What is that like? But a lot of people who find that they can't kind of keep their thoughts in the moment struggle with orgasm, then they struggle to experience pleasure because they're not present.

So there's like a lot of layers then that start to kind of add up or build down on that experience. And so, yeah, I'd start with getting back into your body. I think everybody is often up here. We're also putting pressure on yourself. It sounds like she's putting pressure on yourself. The more her brain runs, the more she's worried her brain's running around. The more her brain's running around, the more the less focus she's going to be.

It's like a vicious cycle. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Try and focus on the body, I'd say. Yeah. There are loads from people saying that their partners, they either are having issues with their erectile dysfunction or climaxing too quickly. How can they, it's being cited that it's affecting the partners, the women's self-esteem as well, which obviously is not surprising.

How can they support their partners through those issues? Such a normal thing. I've heard it so often where in a heterosexual couple, the women will say, like, is it me? Am I the problem? Like, is it that you can't get it up because of me? We personalise it. It's very rarely because it's very really about the partner.

I genuinely hand on heart can say that. It's very really about the partner. And it's got everything to do with what he's experiencing. He is highly anxious, right? He is worried about performing. It's usually performance anxiety. I'm talking very broadly. There's so many other things that need to be taken into consideration, like medical history,

how much do they drink, what medication they're on. but usually it's anxiety and so talking about it naming it but in a very gentle and kind way and I would say if he's saying to you again and again it's not because of you believe him believe him it isn't because of you right and I don't want to say it's always the case but most often that's the case and something's going on for him he feels highly anxious so really I would take the pressure of sex completely penetrative sex right I'd slow it down. I'd focused on, like, very erotic touch that there's no demand to have penetrative sex.

I'd focus on kissing. I'd focus on kind of exploring your bodies in different ways. Just try and get the pressure off a little bit when it comes to, we're going to have penetra sex. We're going to have, okay, it's happening. Oh, no, oh, no, my erection. Oh, no. Or I'm climaxing too quickly, right? Play sexually in other ways, engage sexually in other ways, but also talk about it, you know?

Talk about it openly, knowing that it's going to be a very hard conversation. for him yeah on the flip side of that yeah the women who can't orgasm or are struggling to orgasm what is your and i get i know it's going to be there'll be a million different reasons yeah but it's generalized advice what would you give to women in that position so the way that i think about it is that most women have never learned what pleasure feels like in their body you know i i just speak to so many cisgendered women who say they have never touched themselves and actually, when we look at the research, the most reliable way for a woman, cisgender women, to reach orgasm, is through external stimulation.

99.9% of women will reach orgasm through external stimulation. It's clitoral stimulation, clitoral or vulval labial stimulation. What's happening when we're having penetrative sex? We're not getting clitorial stimulation. And there's been research citing that thrusting is distracting to women's brain. That's no way. So silly.

Yeah, it's fine, isn't it? Wait, what? Yeah, it's distracting. So what's happening is that with the heterosexual, anatomical makeup of, that is sex, should I say, women's bodies are not being stimulated in the way that 99.9% of women need. But they don't even know what it is that they need because a lot of women have not explored that on their own.

But when women have, they're often a little bit ashamed to name, I need you to do this. I need to be touched in that way. I want to use a vibrator when we have missionary or doggy style. I need to use a vibrator. I need to do that. So there's that. And then there's the pressure that we place on ourselves to have an orgasm. And the partner who's saying, I'm not going to come until you come.

Christ, okay. Well, that's pressure. Right. So there's all of that. And then there's the to do list. And then there's the fact that there's something going on at work. and so we bring on all these other pieces of it. Can I just get this straight?

I hope that's not overwhelmed you because Emily's like, oh my God, there's a lot going on me. It really made me laugh. It just makes me annoyed. It feels like even God's a misogynist, that it's just like, that's how you make this,

but you can't enjoy it. But we did get a clitoris, you know? Yeah. So are women not anatomically designed to be stimulated by penetrative sex, or not stimulated to reach orgasm through penetrative sex? The typical sex positions are not going to give a woman sufficient clitorial stimulation. But like internally, because, you know, I mean, people talk about the G spot and that's how the women orgasm through the G spot. Is that true?

So, so my personal view of it, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm, okay, for, for, I'm not trying to diminish the experience of orgasms, but everybody is different in how. they can reach orgasm right every person likes different strokes different pressures different directions different body parts some people will have an orgasm from their nipples being touched other people have an orgasm from penetration um someone will have an orgasm from clitoral simulation and some women will prefer anal every body is different it's about figuring out what you like and there's no superiority to one versus the other and the g spot is actually an area behind it's kind of of the upper anterior wall of the vagina, which is directly behind the urethra. That's where we weave from.

And there's urethral tissue there. And it's considered that that can be highly sensitive for a lot of people. Oh, wow. Yeah. Whoa. That's the G-spot. Yes, that is the area. Oh, wow.

The Grapherneberg. Grapherneberg is the G and the G-spot. Man. Shock. The Graphenberg. Grapherneberg. That doesn't not have the same. It's like Kegel.

Hey, get my Grapenberg spot. No, it doesn't. really does it. No. And I mean, the Kegel exercises, you know about Kegel exercises. Yeah, yeah. All over those. Kegel exercises are fantastic. But for everybody, everybody has a pelvic floor where it doesn't matter how you identify. Everyone's got a pelvic floor and our pelvic floor is crucial in our sexual response and our sexual functioning. And it's still more nuanced in that if you are experiencing pain with penetration, you should not be doing Kegel exercises. because you've already got a tight pelvic floor

and now you're trying to tighten it even more so this you know it's all great that like you know in print media and things like that we used to talk about like you've got to do pelvic floor exercises but you actually need to know what kind of pelvic floor you have first and I work extensively with women's health and pelvic floor physiotherapists

I couldn't do my work without them because I need my clients to establish what's going on with their pelvic floor that's for people who struggle with erections that's for people who struggle with pain, you know, postpartum issues. The pelvic floor is so crucial. There's so many nerve endings there that tell our body what needs to be happening or not happening. And then if there's a message from the brain about I'm worried, it's not going to happen.

That's going to send a message to the nervings and the pelvic floor to tighten up or to pump blood too fast. So there's so much from a biopsychosocial perspective, the body, the mind going on in our environment that we have to take into consideration. and yet nobody's talking. It's the most basic thing, but no one talks about their sex lives. You know, they just do it. They just don't talk about it. And we're not given the education that we should be getting. That's a whole other subject.

We're not getting the right education about our bodies. So we don't know these things. And then what we're seeing around us shows us something very different from what we often experience. That's also an issue. And then people, you know, often women speak about their sex lives a lot more than men do with each other. they'll speak about their concerns not always but more commonly i've run i've run events for years for

women um like a like a workshop event where i do like a talk and um about different aspects of female sexuality i've tried to run those workshops for men could never get off the ground really could never haven't done i haven't tried in a few years but i think there's something to be said about sitting in a room with other men you know being seen to wanting to know something or not knowing something, whereas women are just far more relaxed around that kind of stuff, whether they can sit in silence and listen or they're going to actively participate. There's nothing to be said about that as well, and how we're willing to engage in the conversation around it and face it.

It's the end of the time. I know. We've got to let you go, but oh my God. So many more questions. I'm really happy to answer some of them outside of the podcast. Oh, I mean, personal questions I have later. also anonymous. Oh, this was just,

this was so interesting. I feel like if you will, please come back. I know, you'd love to, yeah, I'd love to. As you can see, I can talk the days about sex. Yeah. I'm like the opposite of the average person. I can just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. It's great.

We need a pot too, for sure. I must say, like the big thing you asked me at the very beginning, how did I get into this? I have to say, we just don't talk about it enough. And my view is, if someone sends me a message on Instagram, like, is this normal? Like, I obviously can't answer, specifically based on someone's

but even just to say somebody to say like that that shouldn't be happening you shouldn't be in pain every time you have sex you shouldn't worry every time you have sex that you're not good enough that isn't typical and there's nothing wrong with you but maybe that's something that could be explored

as to why it is that's getting in the way of you having the sex you want to have yeah to finish I'm sorry I know we've got to finish but to round that off what can people do who are experiencing some kind of I know you don't like the term sexual dysfunction so sexual issues issues and challenges yeah yeah what do they and maybe they don't have the financial means to to you know they can't afford a therapist um what can they do

what should they do so there are honestly the social media is a fantastic place you just have to have a critical eye because not everything you read on social media is helpful or useful um so social media is actually a great place there are um you know i i'm not trying to shamelessly self-promote here But one of the reasons I engage with social media when I can is because it's an opportunity to educate. One of the reasons I say yes to doing things like this or going on TV or radio or writing for article is because it's a way to massively get out a message that nothing's wrong with you, that there are lots of resources, there are lots of platforms, they're apps, their books, there are people you can follow where you can learn more about yourself that will cost you next to nothing. And then there are services that you can access, obviously. I mean, there are sexual health services in the NHS, but again, we need a whole podcast episode to talk about why we're not offering people

that as a primary direction in their overall wellbeing. So, yeah, I'd say that. Social media is a great place for it, just with a critical eye. Yes, important. Okay, when you come back, we need to talk about fetishes. Oh, yeah, good ones. I missed a lot of questions in that area and asexuality as well.

It's something that people are a lot of similar to asking about. So can you please come back? I'd love to come back. I'd love to come back. This has been amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you. We'll leave all of your links in the show notes.

People can come and find you. Yeah, thank you. I'm so glad you're talking about it. I'm so grateful you're doing this on this platform because that's where people can hear the message like, oh my God, there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the biggest thing. That's the first step in going, wow, okay, it can be different. I don't have to experience my life like this. This honestly is, it's been sure affirming. Thank you so much. See you for part two. Yeah, great. I can't wait.

Should I delete that as part of the ACAS creator network?