Should I Delete That? - Stop just "shoving it in" with sexpert Oloni

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

This week the girls chat to iconic sex and relationships expert, Oloni! Oloni answers your all burning questions, from working with mismatched libidos to how to squirt. She tells them what it really takes to have the best sex of your life, and how to communicate your way there.You can buy Oloni’s book, The Big O, here, or follow her on Instagram @oloniSponsored by Butternut Box - visit www.butternutbox.com/alexandem for 50% off your first two boxesFollow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] & edited by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are so happy and proud that this episode is sponsored by Butternut Box, a brand that we love for many reasons. As you'll probably already know, if you follow us both on Instagram, buttonut box is a fresh dog food delivery service that delivers straight to your door and takes into consideration all of your dog's dietary needs. The brand started with a rescue dog, which we obviously love, and Betty and Bua have absolutely thrived on it. Butternut Box genuinely care about their dogs and their ethos is that good enough for the dog is not good enough. Dogs deserve better. The meals are comprised of quality meat, veg, lentils, vitamins and minerals

and don't contain any grain, wheat, gluten, corn, soy or sugar, all of which are known to cause intolerances in dogs. We haven't been asked to say this, but we wanted to highlight the huge amount of work the Butternut Box do with dog charities. They donate meals to dogs in shelters, and they even donate freezers so that the shelters can store the meals. If you would like to try Buttonut Box out for your dog, you can get 50% off your first two boxes with the following link.

com forward slash alex and m oh my god why did i post that ah i don't know what to do should i delete that yeah you should definitely delete that hello everyone and welcome back to should i delete that hello good greetings we did really well last week with we barreled through our good bad and awkward i know i'm the same punchy to me and efficiency today Quite a shock. After hours. Months of rambles. Rambles, yeah.

We're doing it. We're rambling. This is not efficient. No time for chit-chat. My mum always says, if you're writing an email, write it, then delete the first line,

first sentence. That stresses me out. Because it's not necessary. It's fluff. Hi, how are you? You're so well? Who gives a shit? I don't care how you are.

Where's my money, Martin? You know what I mean? I like those bits though I actually don't like those bits to be fair because it makes me feel like I have to reply to those bits and I don't really want to and all of us just want to get on with the work that we're doing

and also yeah like am I well no not really do you want to hear about it no not really like yeah let's just get into this yeah exactly let's get into the reason why we're email exactly exactly so let's get into why we're here tell me some good or bad or or or

super play I am going to kick us off with a by proxy awkward hit me oh god is it mine no no one that I someone someone sent me

this TikTok and I think it's from like years ago because I remember hearing it years ago but I listened to it again and it's so fucking good and in lieu of an appropriate

or substantial awkward from me I need to play you this this voicemail I accidentally clogged my boyfriend his toilet so I took the poop out and put it in his cat's litter box. Then he asked if I poop in it. I said no, but he said this cat has been dead for a week. Please pick me up.

His cat's been dead for a week. Did you poop in the cat litter tray? Like, no. That's a line of questioning. I feel like you shouldn't ever have to go down with your partner. But that's genius because the stuff that we've talked about before was poo clogging the toilet and stuff. we'd never thought to put it in a litter box. Well, I don't have a cat. So I'd have to, it would be elaborate on my part. I'd have to go buy a litter box to then put my own shit in. Yeah, yeah.

But if you're at someone's house and they've got a cat, genius. Okay, while we're on the theme of voice notes. Go on. My bad, I can't believe I'm about to do this to myself, is an extract from my Feel Good Friday stories last Friday that didn't make it onto the main stories that just got put on close friends. So, if you don't,

follow me on Instagram. Friday is a day where I celebrate everybody's little wins and we just dance and it's just good vibes all day. Good music, good vibes good dancing. I don't know why, why, but my bad vibes seem time and time again

to fall on Fridays. Like some of the worst things that have happened to me over the last year have happened on Fridays and I mean like I have to put on my stage face and get out there and dance, that's like the little monkey that I am,

when in reality my world is falling apart. Last Friday, I was in the worst mood. I don't think there's ever been anybody in a mood as stinky as mine was last Friday. And it was completely rational, obviously. I just, I hated my hair, hated my hair. And my name's two doors down are building a pod for one of their kids to sleep in,

which is already blowing my mind on lots of levels. Okay. Because I'm just like... Like an outside pod? Yes, like a... And I'm like, what has this kid ever done? Like, why do you hate this child? Like, making it sleep at a pod.

Like, who, who, I just, I've, I've got questions about the pod. I know. Wait, is it an extension of the house or completely detached from the house? Oh my God, that's so cool. I would have loved that if I, when I was a kid. When I imagined, yeah, when I imagined a pod, I thought it'd be circle. It's now taking shape and it's not circle. It's, it's like a water cabin, really.

Oh. It's hard, I'll keep you posted. Anyway, they've been building it. And these are the most tenacious builders in all. of London, I swear to God, what time did they start? 7 a.m. What time do they finish? 7 p.m. So happy, so happy for my neighbours that they've found these amazing guys. But for myself, oh my God, last Friday. So I just wanted to play you an extract of my close friend's story last Friday as my bad. I'm not proud of it. I actually missed this. I couldn't, I was in a public

place. I couldn't put it on loud and I missed it. My mom sent me a text going, darling are you okay I thought I actually deleted them from my close friends I was like it's too much oh this is the only one that remained I just want to go over there to be on it like just walk over there and just punch them in the face like what like whilst screaming just just punch them so hard I I I hate this hair I have such horrible person I'm so such a horrible person. I have, I've so, uh, uh, uh, I'm, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my back.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I get that, though, I do get that. Oh, you just want to punch. You just want to punch. But then, but then I put that up, and then the next frame was me dancing to some happy, clapy song, celebrating a win and my friend sent me a message being like the contrast is painful it was like welcome to my life so there you go I enjoy that I enjoy that very much that is annoying though because oh I can't my moods do change so fast it's like it's a horror it's a horrible irrational thing I'm not proud of

it but my my mood swings I mean I love it personally it's very useful for me because I know that if I'm down, I can be up again in like two minutes flat. Do you know what I mean? Like, nothing lasts for long. Everything's temporary. It's pretty chill. But I can imagine for the people in my life, it is horrifying. A roller coaster.

Yeah, Alex's just got whiplash. It's like, oh, my neck. Every time. Anyway, so that's my bad, probably. Anything, anything on button or my awkward. I haven't decided. It's not great. I enjoyed it.

Very much so. Oh, my good. My good is probably going to kill you. And actually, when I was thinking about my good, I was like, oh, I kind of want to say it. But then I don't, for anyone that is like, because I know that seasonal affective disorder, right, is really debilitating and really horrible.

So I feel very guilty about my good. And I'm wishing it wasn't my good, but it's too late to change it because I come this far. Basically, I am enjoying this turn in the season. I'm not enjoying the darkness, but I am enjoying the fact that there's like a little bit of a chill in the air. And for me, that brings a bit of excitement and, like, Christmas is around the corner.

and it feels, I don't know, like I just, I really enjoy this time. But now I just feel horribly guilty because I know that it can be so debilitating SAD. Well, yeah. Sorry to anyone that suffers with that. I've decided that what I just said there was, the bad was my awkward. And my bad is the fact that it actually isn't that cold. And every single morning, I've cried. Yeah.

This is annoying. I stood in the cafe this morning, sweating and crying. Because I just thought, oh my God, the world's on fire and no one's paying attention. Why is it this hot when it's almost November? And I was really upset. It's so, so hot. But I keep getting confused about it and just presuming that it's cold. As you should, it's Halloween, of course.

Oh, happy Halloween, everyone. Oh, my God, it is Halloween. We should be freezing. It's also mine and Dave's five-year anniversary. Oh, God, that is hilarious. Enjoy that one. You met, you've got together on Halloween. You were your first date on Halloween?

The first date where you got two drunk was on Halloween. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's on Halloween. How great. I know. I know. I just feel like it matches my mood and my vibe as well. Yeah. Yeah.

The witch is out. I love to see it. Totally. Wait, what we're going to say? I know, I keep, I can't do this dressing because it's, you look stupid in summer dresses right now, but that's the kind of weather that, like, you need to be wearing a summer dress. But you look really stupid in a summer dress right now, but you can't wear any of your

autumn stuff or winter stuff because it's just too hot. So what are we supposed to wear in this? I'm so sweaty. It's actually obscene. all the time. Yeah, me too. It's really sad. Oh my God.

I shot in Central the other day with my, me and Jen both went and we took two suitcases and I wore leather pants. I don't know, I just presumed it would be cold. Honestly, after it was just, it was chaos. I had to, I had to change in the park and I was at the point towards the end where I was just like, at the beginning, Jen was like, we'll try and, and Fifi, who works with both of us on shooting us, where they were like covering me and with coats and Towards the end, I was like, go away from me.

It's too hot. I don't care. I'm just going to get changed. And whoever sees me, sees me. If I get arrested for Indecent exposure, I get arrested. Afterwards, I got like, 3 DM to be like, oh, I saw you in the park today. So you're back chutes. And I was like, oh, God, I'm so, so, so sorry.

That's probably my bad. But I was wearing these stupid leather trousers. Actually, really nice leather trousers, but stupid, given the temperature. Afterwards, and we dragged our suitcases back. and I went to the toilet and I don't know why I'm telling you this but my knickers were completely soaked completely soaked

completely soaked it was like I put them in the washing it like I put them under the tap Do you remember that day that we recorded with Joel the magician and I was so sweaty that I thought something bad had happened to the baby because of how sweaty my house were

I remember telling you like I was a woman that long ago and in the lift I was literally sitting there like oh my God like something bad happening And then I said to know, I was like, nope, just sweaty. And I got home and I had to put different pants on and then just sit there and wait to see if, like, something was coming out of me or if I was just that sweaty. And I was just that sweaty. Why are we telling people this?

Gorgeous. Gorgeous. This is so gross. It's so horrifying. I know. It's so gross. Why have we done this? I feel like no one talks about that.

Like, there was, there was no part of my knickers that weren't wet. Oh, God. Of context. that's the only fan's ad there was no part of my knickers that weren't wet it is isn't it al's teaser 20% off yeah um literally like cost like 15p no one's paying for that we were paying not to be exposed to that so yeah that was that was gross but that's how hot it is anyway sorry yeah that's probably my bad and I feel really bad every time I acknowledge it because I'm like I don't want to like rain on everyone's parade

And this is so beyond now, you know, like, the, like, single, like, I feel so guilty for, like, single new stuff. I feel so guilty for clothes. I feel so guilty for all of that stuff. And it's like, and then it makes you feel like you can't comment on this stuff. It makes you feel like you can't say, like, in the cafe where you've got your takeaway coffee cup, you can't moan about climate change because you're part of the problem, right? But actually, we found out this week that Shell made eight billion profit in this quarter. So I'm just like, you know what?

You know what? This is much bigger than me. Unbelievable. and I'm going to feel terrified about it while still probably making it worse because these guys need to fix it. And I mean it. I'm serious.

I'm angry with it. It's way bigger than our stupid little takeaway car. It's so much bigger than that. I'm not saying stuff like that is not important. It is important. But it's like we can still be flawed human beings a part of the problem whilst also being very aware of the problem

and wanting people who can actively make proper, proper meaningful change. They have to make it. Also, or have you seen that stuff about Cheyenne? Oh my God. Yes, yeah, I shared that on this morning. It's so bad. So bad.

So bad. Guys, I'm just going to put it out there. It's a disgusting website all around, isn't it? Do not buy from Sheehan. Yeah. There is enough. They're so unethical. Yeah, there are enough, like beyond.

Like, beyond. Reasantly priced clothing out that it's being properly made and better made. And there's a lot, there's a big space for like that sustainability chat. And we ought to actually do that in a podcast episode one day. But fuck me. Sheen, terrifying. Yeah, we should try, we should try and do an episode on this that, like, explores that, like, like acknowledges the nuance behind ethical fashion as well because it's just a lot of it is easy

said than done for yeah so yeah yeah we need to do it properly basically yeah and find out who yeah yeah I'm buying stuff at the moment which I'm not normally a massive clothes buy but I'm buying clothes because it's really it's really fucking in my head because I've just it's like I say I'm like two people I've got this like private guilt about like my own carbon footprint but then I've got this like massive anger and a complete acknowledgement of the fact that that my little maternity dress doesn't mean shit in the big picture, you know, so I don't know, we need to, we need to...

It's complicated. It is so complicated. Anyway, sorry, yeah, that's been stressing me out. This isn't going great. What's your bad, please, any bad? Okay, so my bad, and I'm going to keep this really short, but my bad is that I got a little bit, to be fair, it's only a little bit, but a little bit of backlash, I think, is the right word,

from last week's episode, where I talked about my vegetarianism. Did you? And my issues with it. Yeah, and I, And I got, I think I got like three or four DMs of people saying like it feels like you're promoting like another kind of diet or another kind of disordered eating behaviour. So I want to like, because I didn't, I didn't explain my, I know, right? But I didn't explain my reasons behind trying to be veggie.

But they are nothing to do with, with, like, manipulating how my body looks or controlling my calorie intake, nothing to do with that. You don't have to defend what you eat. Every single human being has a diet. every single, like, we all have a diet. And that, you don't have to apologise for your diet. You can point out the flaws in the society and that's your job. But that doesn't, that's crazy expectations on you. Right.

But, but I thought it was interesting that, and probably a few years ago, I might not have seen the distinction either, but what's really cool is that, like, when you are, I sound really like preachy, but when you do heal your relationship with food, then you were able to make concession or you are able to like change it to the way that that you want to and for me it's ethical reasons to do with animals and yes it's like I know if that's the case I should be vegan blah blah blah I know this is like a wider conversation but it's for me it's what I can do right now and that's being veggie and that's why I're doing it is absolutely nothing to do and you can be vegan you can be vegetarian without having anything to do with orthorexia

or feeding into eating disorders, while I do appreciate that that is part of eating disorders for some people, but I think there's a big distinction there that was kind of lost, I think, on a few people. And you can also have a diet that doesn't affect anybody else. Nobody needs to make your diet their problem. And that's not very fair. I think a lot of people do this with, there's a lot of like people get their heckles up

when it comes to veganism and vegetarianism on both sides because people who aren't vegan and veggie get quite defensive, I think maybe because they think they should be So they assume when they meet somebody that is That they're going to be judging them Which absolutely probably isn't the case Because it's a very small amount of vegans that do judge Or actively like, you know, speak the judgment

So I think quite a lot of people do take Do you get defensive before they need to About that because of shit they're feeling anyway But I think that's really unfair Be like literally eat what the fuck you want out And I love your terrible vegetarianism it brings me so much joy and I love to watch you try

and I think it's lovely and good for you you know what someone told me I was a knob because my good this week was that I exercised two days in a row and that has been the first time

in pregnancy that I've been able to do that and it was a really big deal for me I'm really happy and someone told you you were a knobbed on Instagram and someone replied saying this is really knobby and I was like

oh my god how rude that's really knobby I put up a little, I know, I put up a little apology office going, sorry if this is knobby, because this is the only two days that I have been able to do this since being pregnant. So I don't want anyone to watch this and think that's the norm because it's not my norm. Like my norm is like head in a bowl, like colour of a sheet, like not thriving. So I just want to give, but I'm sharing this to give hope to anybody who is, you know,

really struggling with a sickness to say that it might get better because I couldn't imagine this point a few weeks ago. And this person just replied, go, this is really knobby. And I replied. I was like, sorry. I don't really, I don't really know what to reply. And she was like, no, I get it. Like, you have to just share your honest and open experience. I was like, oaky-dokey, orcs. Oh, God, that really pisses me out. I know. I know. I know. I was like, maybe it is Robbie. I don't know. I can't fucking tell. I'm, I'm, I don't know. I'm just, I'm trying. It wasn't knobby. It wasn't knobby.

You're allowed to share whatever you won. You're allowed to share that you'd like, that was your win, right? Yeah, it was absolutely, it's on Friday. That's your win. Yeah, I loved it. Did a little homework out on Wednesday. Where it sat on my set up a peloton, like the fucking basic bitch that I am. You know what?

It counts how many times you've been on it. It tells you every time. You know what that was? I didn't know. That was my eighth since the pregnancy. I was like, brilliant. Fucking brilliant. I bought that thing to be on when I was pregnant

because I thought it would harden up my gooch. But for lack of a nicer term, I thought it would be going for child. So far, so bad. Yeah, I literally, that was it. It was a massive waste of money. But, but not anymore. I'm bouncing back.

Watch me and my gooch get fit as shit. Fit. Fit. Love it. Oh my God, really quickly. Oh, actually, this is not the right medium for a video. I'm an idiot, but we should get Amy to share that someone sent you, someone sent you that video and said, like, this is what you and Al are like. It was like normal people, like in a tribe, like walking together, like all marching together,

like getting stuff done, getting stuff done. And then like other people, which is me and you, people being like, do, do, do, do, do, do the HDHD. Stunning. Anyway, oh my God, we need to go. We didn't do great. We didn't, we're from pregnant. Oh! Oh, we've got a great guest. We've got a really good guest today. Great guests. We have a sex expert. Expert. Oh gosh, that you sound like Cosmopolitan. She didn't know she calls herself that. No, I didn't

anybody calls herself that. So she's a sex, no, she's sex, a relationship expert, alone. She's written a book called The Big O and it was a really good interview. We had lots of good advice, very good advice, sex advice. And if anybody's here, if anybody's here thinking, oh, this will be such a good episode because Alex will be so awkward, I actually just have to disappoint you and say, you really, you really. thrived. You had this conversation like a grown-up. Did I? Yeah. Did I? Yeah, you're pretty normal. It was weird. Let's hope my mum and dad aren't listening to this one then. I'm sending it via post to Norma. I'm going to print, I'm going to put it on a CD and I'm going to post it to her. Do you think she owns a CD player? I don't know. Well, do you want me to just comment? My mom is in the 21st century. Okay, I was going to say, I could send her a track. No. I can send her a transcript. it. We're in the 21st century. Yes.

We are. Where's she? Yes. Is she with us? Same. That's what I was saying. But then I was suddenly like, it's not the 21st century.

No, it is. I don't know why they do that, though. It's really annoying because I get very confused in history. It's stupid. It makes no sense. You know he was around in the 1500s. But what century is that? 14th or 16?

I don't know. I know. It makes no sense. Why not just call it the actual century? Yeah. Why not call the 1500? Can a historian tell us? Well, no, I think it could probably work right in.

We have to go out, but I'll tell you what afterwards. I can work it out. Enjoy your lonely. She's brilliant. Take, soak in all of her advice and enjoy. And remember, don't shove it in. Hey! Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you for having me. And congratulations, because we're speaking to you two, three weeks after your books come out. The Big O. Yeah. Can you tell us about it? Of course. So it's an empowering guide for loving, dating and fucking. And just basically a book that every woman needs

If she wants to feel empowered about her sexuality If she wants to have better sex If she wants to unlearn everything that society has told her About, you know, having autonomy over her body And just what sex is supposed to mean as well And it's just it has different chapters That just basically allows you to understand There's a lot more to what we've been told about sex as a whole

So yeah, that's amazing, sum up, yeah. Which we're going to get into. But can you tell us first how you got into this and how all of this came about? Absolutely. So this first came about when I was around like 18. I used to blog heavily about relationships. All my friends were doing like outfit of the days on Instagram or on their blog spots or WordPress accounts.

And of course I love that stuff. Like who doesn't love hearing beauty? We all do, right? But I just found that I was always on the phone talking to my girls about, you know, boys. If it wasn't relationship conundrums, it was about sex. And that's where it started. And I would write blogs about all these things. And suddenly I had a bunch of women who were coming to me with their dilemmas.

And I was just like, hold on, I don't have, I'm in the same boat as you, you know, kind of thing. So I realized that everyone wanted the wanted answers. And again, when you're getting all these similar dilemmas, you notice that there's a theme, there's a pattern and you pretty much feel like you know the answer, not the complete answer, but you know well enough. You see a type of, I don't know if someone's going through a situation ship, it's easy to be like, come on, like this guy's having you on. He's not serious about you.

You need to let go. And it was the same with sex. I saw that women were saying, you know, I can't orgasm. Why is this? And then you just do a quick bit of research and you suddenly realize, which is what the book is about, the orgasm disparity, is that women don't orgasm as frequently as men do in cis-heterosexual relationships

and that, you know, there's a reason why it's because men are quite shit in bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to talk about men being shit in bed and about the orgasm gap. Please, let's do it. It's huge. But before I do, I just have to ask you how you talk about sex on the internet. Yes. Because you said you started when you were like 18,

How was that like with your family? Was it, did you know? They had no idea. Do they know now? Oh, they know now. My mom was at my book release party. She was dancing with me and I was just like, well, this is really, this is like a full circle moment because I grew up in a very strict home, very strict Christian home.

So as far as I was concerned, babies came from God and that was the answer. And I was not to argue with my mother every time I would ask, you know. But yeah, she's, she's. She's fine with it now. I mean, I'm grown. So she knows that her daughter is having sex. I don't think she's, you know, she thinks otherwise. But she loves the dating stuff. She likes, you know, I used to have my own TV show called My Mates a Bad Date and I would like, you know, try and make people better date her. So she likes that stuff and she likes me on TV. So she's pretty chilled by it now, yeah. That's good. So like, I think I'm cool. I think I'm chill. And then I'm aware of my parents listening and I'm like, It just makes you, like, cringe. It would make me cringe as well, yeah. I'm not going to be sitting down to talk about the orgasm get with my mum any time soon.

No. Fair enough. Boundaries. Absolute boundaries, yeah. But then, well, we interviewed Stile Me Sunday, Nat Lee. And she said she'd bought her mama dildo for Christmas. And her grandmother, I think. Really?

That's like, how inspiring. If I did that for my mum, she'd be like, why have you done this? Honestly, I thought my mum would too, but now I'm starting to think, should I? do it. I don't think she would use it. I think she'd probably throw it at me and be like, don't be ridiculous because she's still got quite like a stiff upper lip, do you know what I mean? Like there's only, she's not that, you know, she's cool, but she's not that cool. So yeah. On the way, who knows, who knows. So, well, I put a question box out on Instagram for people to write in with their sex and relationship questions. But before we go into those, I'd love to ask

you. What is the most common thing that you're asked? The most common thing that I'm asked is I can't orgasm. Don't know how to orgasm. What do what I do? And I feel like the true answer to that is you need to learn to have sex with yourself first. Okay. You need to understand what it is that your body likes. You need to understand what it is, what toys you might really enjoy. And maybe take that into the bedroom with your partner because toys are not just for solo sex. It's also for partnered sex. And finding the right sexual position that's good for you and again the right toy that works for you I feel like you also need to teach your partner

if you don't know where it is you like in bed how you're going to teach your partner and how they're going to be able to help you climax yeah so yeah that is a common question I'm asked because the orgasm gap is really big like I can't remember you'll know I'm sure the statistics about the difference when women have sex with men

versus when women have sex with women or when women just with themselves? It's all in the book, but there was a study of around 800 students in America, in a college, and when they did this study, 90% of men said they usually are always climax in comparison to around 30% of women who said they usually always climax. So you can imagine, if 30% of women are saying, yeah, I come sometimes or I always come,

in comparison to 90% of men, and we are having sex with these men, you know, what's going on here? in comparison to when women have sex with women, where it reaches 90 to, you know, 95%. Why is that? What are women doing that's such a men on? It's such like a fun thing for me to feel like it's all been flipped and it's like, no, God, you're just not that good a thing?

You're not. It's not a problem with them. No, because the whole way through all growing up, right, it's been like, oh, women, like, oh, they get headaches or like women are so, they're just, like, it's always been like a woman's problem and she can enjoy it. And it's just like, I'm really refreshing to hear.

You just be like, they're just a bit shit. They are really shit. And I feel like we enable their shittiness, to be honest. Yeah. We enable it. And maybe it's due to, you know, women are often told that we need to be polite. We need to smile more. We have to be, do you know what I mean?

There's a certain attitude that we're told that we have to have. So we take that behavior into the bedroom. And then, you know, I was saying this on another interview, actually, that men then bring all their alpha energy. and we kind of want to stroke their ego so we tell them that they're doing a great job and because we've already, we already believe that sex isn't even for us

so we instantly think, well, as long as he's having a good time and he's, you know, got his nut, what I really get in the end doesn't really matter and that's just not true. Yeah, it's like prioritising their happiness. That actually reminds me of a, someone wrote in with a question around this

and they said, so how do you start a conversation with a long-term partner and tell them that you don't like what they do in bed because that's quite difficult when you've been with someone for a long time and perhaps this girl has been faking it for a long time and then suddenly you have to turn around and be like actually I don't like this. How do you go about that? You just say do you know what? I enjoy when you do this more than that. I don't want to say that we should treat men like babies. We shouldn't have to baby them but how would you want someone to deliver the news to you? Yeah. So that's how

you kind of have to take into consideration. So maybe form into like a sandwich. Start with what they're good at, then say what they need to work on and go to other things that you also enjoy. But my thing is that your pleasure isn't more important than his ego. So always take that into into factor because I'm not going to continue having bad sex with someone just because of your ego. Like it makes no sense to me. So again, just have a conversation and be like, do you know what? I love when you suck on the hood of my clit like this. But that That thing you do with your finger, no, this is how I would prefer you do it instead. I know we've been doing it like this for some time, but I realize I actually like it better

when you do it this way. Okay. Do you go what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like positive, not reinforcement, but kind of... It's a shit sandwich. It is. It is a bit positive, yeah.

It is a sandwich. But if it gets what needs to be done, do it? Do you know what I mean? Or it could, you might be like me and say, hey, I just don't like that. Can you just do this instead and just be straight on? Like, I don't really have time for games when it comes to the bedroom. Let's just, you know, maybe that's because I'm just a lot older and I'm a bit more sexually confident. And it takes time to get there because I feel like when you're new to sex, you're a bit timid, you're bit shy, you don't know what you're doing.

I mean, you guys must remember the first time you had sex. It couldn't have been great. And the funny thing is, the funny thing is that you assume, or one assumes, a woman assumes, I think, quite often that the man knows more. Yeah. And maybe because they watch more porn or like they talk about it or their mates more. so you always assume that you know less and it's like, well, they must be doing it right and there must be something wrong with me

because, like, I'm not good at this. And that's the thing. A lot of us do get our education from porn and it's so terribly bad because, you know, porn isn't real. It's a bunch of well-paid actors. Some of them aren't even paid well. And that's why I always tell women,

like, try and watch, you know, ethical porn because... Do you have recommendations for ethical porn? Yes. Yes, so there is an amazing woman who does feminist porn. Her name is Erica Lust. She's, I've even worn, like, I've got some of her t-shirts. She's really great a watch she does.

So for those who don't even know what ethical porn is, that is when you are making sure that porn actress is on set. There's an intimacy coach there. People's boundaries aren't being crossed. Consent is being respected, which goes under boundaries, of course. and people are being paid properly as well and there's just no dodginess going on because we know like of course

you know sex worker as a whole can be very sketchy for some people so you know when you're watching proper porn and ethical porn you're supporting people who make sure they put time and effort into making sure that porn actors and actresses are being paid and just treated properly

so yeah porn can definitely have a negative effect when you try and use it as education and I mean it has it's positive as well I mean we all love it it's great for fantasising I can teach you some good things but you know when people come to me and just just like oh how do I squirt I'm just like listen there's a prop between her labia okay it's a little balloon that's been put there of course it is you think she's just squirting on demand hell no I mean maybe some but if you think yeah there's props for everything like even before men go on set you've got someone who's a fluffer who's getting them hard

before they get there, they don't just go in there with a bonar, like, do you know what I mean? Someone's got to suck them off or give them a wank just before they go in there. Really? Yeah. So much. It goes on. Yeah, fluffing is like a whole job title. Yep, it is. And I always feel sorry for the fluffing, because I'm like, you didn't even get to do it like, oh, camera. Like, you just have to do

like the really, like, the scot work. I wouldn't mind. If I'm getting paid, just to, yeah, right? I wouldn't mind. If I got to, like, just give someone a hand job, no one's seeing it. I'm getting paid, I'm like, okay, off, off I go. So, yeah. When you say it like that, when I imagine a fluffer,

I imagine somebody, like, I don't know, like, plumping up a cushion, like, dusting in the corner of her own. Just fluffing up the willy. Right. Yeah, pretty much. But that's, yeah, that's interesting.

It's like if women don't really get fluffed, do they, in their porn area, I guess. They, I don't think they do. Or maybe they do, but do you know what, as a whole, I feel like women in general, when it comes to the reality of sex, women don't even get fluffed and that's foreplay and that's another thing that's missing from a lot of sexual relationships foreplay. I think there was a study that I talk about this in the book. The

average time of foreplay for women is around 11 minutes and for men it's like 13 minutes and that's all okay but there's just so much more that can be done as well. I believe personally that foreplay should last around 30 minutes and I know people are probably listening probably like what the hell, 30 minutes. We're not busy people. We are all busy people, but if you want to have good sex, and this is the thing, that's what's causing the orgasm gap. People are rushing sex. Men are simple as a whole and not just during sex. I think in general, men are very simple. So when it comes to sex and penetration, that's what's pretty much needed in comparison to women. I feel like

women are bit more like Rubik's cubes, like we need longer foreplay, we need a more. We need oral sex we need more touching we need more licking we need a lot of more caressing and if you think about the times you're having sex with a guy it's just a bit of kissing and then he just wants to shove it in yeah i was like dude i'm not even wet yet do you know what i mean i just say i've heard the expression shove it in way too much in my life i realized as you said it was just like i didn't even flinch at that it's just like i should yeah they're just up and away yeah absolutely and it shouldn't be like that you know, because sex is not just about penetration. I feel like a lot of cis hetero people make penetration the bread and butter of sex,

and it shouldn't be seen that way. There's so much more that happens during sex. And even if you think about women, women who are having sex with other women, penetration is not the be or end all of their intimacy. There's a lot more that takes place. And maybe we should be wondering why. Because a lot of women can't orgasm from penetration alone. Yeah, that's like around 25% of women.

That can or can't. that what can come through penetration, 25% can. Can. And that was one of the main themes of the questions that were, that came in. There were a few that we'll go on to, but that was one. And people saying like, yes, I can orgasm in other ways, but is it okay that I can't ever orgasm through penetration? No, I think that the main, I mean, okay, see it this way. Our clitoris is the only organ designed for sexual pleasure.

Men do not have that. only people who are born with and vulvas only have this magical bean that is purely there for sex. Magical bean. Magical bean that you flick. That magical bean that you flick is only designed for one thing

and it is for clitorial stimulation and pleasure. Our vaginas have different uses. Yes, it's there for penetration but it's also there for birth as well. But if you think about it, that's again due to porn. We've seen that porn

has shown us that all women are supposed to climax through penetration. That's not true. Imagine if we were watching porn which showed us that, no, you know, stimulating the clip the most is what is really supposed to help you get there. And that's why that's the misinformation that we really do have about sex. And I break it down in the book even further and allow you to unlearn these things that men behind cameras in Hollywood have been teaching everyone about sex for so long. And yeah, you kind of like unpack what you've been taught about it. okay yeah because so many women feel like they're failing or there's something wrong with them yeah yeah if they can't come like that and then you don't want to like say to your partner like

particularly because we were saying this right like the beginning of a relationship and particularly if like you got with your partner when you were young or if you still are young or even if you're not young but you just haven't whatever but like you you want to keep them happy at the beginning yeah you want to sue massage their ego at the beginning so like oh my god that was amazing and then you're just like a year in and it's like oh bollocks yeah into this, I fucking hate this. Yeah, and I always say start how you wish to continue. But don't be

too hard on yourself. It's never too late. Early relationship, you know, long relationship doesn't matter. There's always a way you can communicate with your partner and express what you enjoy in the bedroom most. But yeah, a lot of people, a lot of women

do believe that there is something wrong with them, they can't climb out through vaginal penetration. And I think that's just, you know, it's just, it just shows you how wrongly we've been led, to be honest. And yeah, I'm just hoping with the book, people will understand that there's a lot more to sex than dick inside vagina sex.

Because I personally, don't get me wrong. I love penetration. Who does not like listening to the headboard being smacked on the wall as you're getting a good run? We love it. It's fine. Like, you know, there's so many positions you can enjoy amazing penetration.

But if you know how someone enjoys pleasure most, you should be doing your job in that mutual, you know, moment to make sure that they get to that big O because, do you get what I mean? If you know how your partner really enjoys their dick being sucked or their dick being licked or whatever it might be, you will do it that way or you'll try to do it that way. So if your partner knows that her body really gets to that finish line through clitoral stimulation, you need to express that or else they're just going to keep just shoving it in and thinking that's all that's needed.

Yeah. I think that's the name of this podcast episode, shoving it in. Sh shoving it in. But I think as well, like a lot of women, I don't, it's like that sex doesn't count a sex if it wasn't penetrative. And I'm sure that's like, that must come from like a Christian god procreation standpoint.

Yeah. Yeah. Like that's the point of sex from a biological standpoint. Absolutely. And that's exactly why so many girls, like I remember when I was growing up, girls would say that they were virgins because they never had direct vaginal penetration. And I described that type of girl in my book as the everything but girl.

So that everything but girl will give head, she'll suck dick, she'll take up the ass, hand jobs, but she won't. I mean, personally, I'm sorry, if you're doing all of those things and you just think that because you're not getting it directly between your, like, between your legs, this. I mean, if it's going up the bomb, you've had sex. You've had sex. You've definitely had sex. You're not kidding anyone at this point. You definitely. That's a lot of sex.

It is a lot of sex. There were so many girls growing up who, you know, from different cultures and different religions who believe that they're still a virgin. And again, the book talks heavily about virginity as well and what we need to unlearn about that. But I think what you said there is important that a lot of people only count sex through one way and that's not true. But it's completely like exclusionary, isn't it? Because you're not, it's like this heteronormative at like at a big. several but then it's also not considering anybody

with vaginismus or ed or erectile dysfunction or like any of the other things that would make sex look different. Yeah. No, I agree. I agree. It definitely is heteronormative. It erases a lot of other people's sexuality because what you're trying to say like you know, lesbians who have never ever had direct penetration from a man are all still virgins because they're definitely not. And they're definitely having better sex.

They're definitely having pet of sex. If anyone is the virgin, it is definitely not them, okay? Yeah. Another, I actually think this was the most common theme amongst the questions. I actually struggled to get questions that weren't this in the sea of this, is mismatched libidoes. Ooh. And actually, it was more that their partner had a lower sex, sorry, most of the questions were around women whose male partners had a lower sex drive than them

number one that they were they it kind of it makes them feel bad I guess because we're like you know like men are supposed to be like the alphas with their loads of testosterone they're supposed to spur having huge sex drive they don't want to just shove it in all the time and it's not happening it's making them feel a certain way about themselves and also that their desiring sex. They want sex but it's just not happening because of his low sex drive. I do feel like sexual compatibility really

is important and you know it depends how important is sex in your relationship because some people have really high sex drives and their partners might not and it has maybe been the reason as to why the relationship

has not continued or someone has stepped out so you have to ask yourself how important is sex to me? How important is sex to me? How important is sex to this person? And I think go from there. If you're with someone who has a very low libido and you have a high libido, you know, you might want to have sex. This is, this is not just, this is not, I'm not saying that this is the average you should

be having sex, but it's just an example. You might want to have sex maybe four times a week, but your partner just wants to have sex once a week. You need to ask yourself, is there really a future in this relationship? Am I going to be sexually satisfied? Is this going to make me unhappy and go from there? answer particular questions and you know hopefully that can help and maybe decide whether or not there is a future with this person or if they're just part of your story for now can you like

did you think libido's changed like if you're with somebody who like had a high libido like because you can just go through periods right you can go through periods i've been through periods where i've been in bed with my boyfriend i'm just like don't touch me and i've been through periods in my relationship where I've woken my boyfriend up in the middle of sleep and like, right, get up, I want to have sex. Do you know what I mean? So it can definitely change. Everyone's different. And there's also

many things you need to take into account. Is this person on medication? Are they stressed? Are they depressed? Right. You know, is their boss screaming at them at work? Like, what is going on? There could be different factors that are happening. So you need to take these things into consideration. But if you know that on an average day,

your partner is just not a sex. as you, ask yourself, is this the person I want to be with? Because I personally need to be with someone who, I'm trying to think, what's my sex drive life? I feel like I have a high sex drive. So you need to be on a similar wave of length. But if he is someone, for example, in my situation, if he was someone who wants to have sex once a week, this isn't going anywhere.

Like, you know. Right. Yeah, I feel like in your line of work, doing this for a job. Yeah, yeah. I need content. You've got standards to me. I need content, right? Yeah.

What can you do, do you think, like, if your partner, you know he's got it in him, but he just hasn't, he's just something situationally. So he's taking antidepressants, that was a big one, a lot of people saying that either they take antidepressants or their partner takes antidepressants. And obviously that can have a huge effect on libido. Yeah. So, yeah, in that example, how can you spice it out? Spice it up. There's so many things you can do to spice it up.

Okay. First of all, you need to have a conversation and communicate and just express that you've noticed that their sex drive isn't as high. Do they have an interest in sex? Would they be interested in looking for ways to spice up? Because you need to know where their mind is at. There's no point trying to... Yeah, there's no point just go into like a sex shop

and bringing out a bag full of toys or getting into something a really nice, cute, I don't know, lingerie. And they're still... It's not doing anything for them. You need to know if they're actually open to it. If they are open to it, then yes, go get the bag of toys. Go get the lingerie. Maybe go out to dinner.

Do something that can help set the mood, set the tone. Maybe if they're at work, let them know that what you're about to send isn't safe for work. And then drop your nude or your video nude. That's a vood. A vood. I don't heard that. I like that. Old and married.

God damn it. Food. No. But yeah. So there's so many things you can do, you know. And again, Taylor. it to the type of partner you had you've got. So if you know that your partner is someone who likes adventure, who likes the unpredictable, you might want to do the nudes at work or whatever.

If you know your partner really enjoys a good night or enjoys new restaurants, book a dinner for both of you and try and set the tone, you know, let them know that you've got something waiting for them at home and see if that, just find different ways to get them in the mood. It really depends on your partner. No two people are alike. Do you know what I mean? regardless of the situation no two people are alike. So assess it by person and yeah, read the book as well. The answers are definitely

there as well. Okay, so if you've got somebody who wanted to bring a toy into their relationship, but they are afraid of hurting the ego of the man. Yes, what do you do? What do you do? Well, I always say that, you know, sex toys are not supposed to, they're not there to compete with

a man. It's there to compliment the So you need to make sure that you have a conversation prior and explain and educate what sex toys are there for because, you know, I used to work in a sex toy shop and so often men would come in, so I'd be like, oh, I don't need that, that my girl's got me, like, do you know what, you're trying to replace me? And I was just like, dude. Why are you in here?

Were they coming in alone just to tell you that? They're coming with guys, other guys. You know, people, when they see sex toys, like, maybe because I'm just used to it, especially when I, as I worked in a sex toy so I saw every type of customer I saw the embarrassed I saw the shy I saw the experienced I saw the old I had an old woman come in she was just like around 80 years old and she thought that her toy was broken and I was just like oh bless you just need to charge it oh yeah no she was really sweet bless I hope she's doing well yeah I know I hope she's doing well but um

yeah I hope she found that USB um but yeah no if you want to introduce it to your partner just have a conversation express what it's for and start off with something small you don't want to be unless you're like me I don't really care about

scaring men with huge sex toys in the bedroom I brought out like a wand and this guy was just like oh my God this is such a cock block and I'm just like dude if there was no toy I wouldn't even be having sex with you so thank her now okay do not disrespect

you would not be here if it weren't for her right for real so but even going back to you other question which was to do when people come inside the store, I had so many people who would come inside sex, um, sex shops. Like, even women who, who didn't even understand the, the basic needs of what toys were there for. I had girls who would also say, oh, I don't need that. Like, I've got a man. It's just like, it's, it's got nothing to do with men. Why do you keep

centering the sex you're having with men? You need to unlearn that immediately because sex is not just about, yes, sex is about experiencing this beautiful feeling with someone else, but you can enjoy sex on your own, you can learn new things about your body on your own. And that's what's important. There's so much shame. Yeah, there's so much shame. Yeah, that women, like, women tie sex to ego and ego to penises. So it doesn't, it doesn't really shock me when I, when I used to hear those comments. I don't know what it's like today, because I don't work in a sex store, but I'd like, I'd like to think it's changed. Yeah, because you have, like, toys that are like, literally just like willy shaped and it's just like it's wild isn't it yeah it's so wild who's that doing what for

really well who's making it but who's making it as well it's these men who are behind these who who are just like oh i know what women want you know yeah so then maybe like a girl and i do think it takes a lot of like we've had a lot of embarrassing i put in quotation mark stories sent into the pod about people who've had their like love honey orders sent to work and stuff which enough to see but like if you the packaging is discreet thankfully but like yeah it is if you were putting in an order like I think a lot of people might even the like dildos that are portrayed in films are very often just like just like a sort of like willy shaped lump honestly I say this in my book like I've got a timeline I've got like a timeline of sex toys um inside the big O and it kind of like

just shows you that's my yeah my unlearning of sex toys because when you're new to sex toys the first thing you're thinking is dildo because that's what I saw in pop culture. It's what I saw on TV. And then when you learn more about your body, you say, wait, hold on. Why am I tying my sexuality to the girth and length of the penis? And then you suddenly realize what it is you like. You become more experienced, which is why I always say that sexuality is a journey. Like, I have my own sex toy journey because I was doing so much and learning about toys and about myself and my pleasure. And I just want every other woman to do that as well because sex is a lot more deeper

if we allow ourselves to remove the shame that we have from it and yeah I really do feel like every woman does have the potential to get there what sex toy would you recommend to a person listening you ask in my favourite question yeah like a starter

a little A moose bush if we're talking starter if we're talking if we're talking starter I always say just go for a vibrator like a tiny vibrator like a bullet exactly and can I this is I'm going to ask

really basic questions but just for someone listening because I feel like a lot of people like don't want to ask this stuff or don't know how to Google it or whatever can you explain when you recommend things what you do with them? That sounds really silly but like... What do you mean? Well I think a lot of people think if you've got like a dildo that everything goes

everything goes in basically. See you've got to find out by reading the book because that's a very good question and it's answered there like with every toy I describe all the type of toys that exist and I tell you the mistakes not to make with them because it is no it's a good question And I've seen it, I've seen it. I will say, please do not put a vibrate. Because we've spoken about it, a bullet,

because we just, I just mentioned it. Bullets do not go inside your vagina. Oh my God, it might get lost. Yeah. I remember showing someone. No, as well. No? No.

I mean, it's just going to go. I mean, just go. You can't go. Yeah. But it doesn't have a string. It's not like a tampon. Yeah. How to get it back out?

You can't get back out. I remember showing a friend of mine who, and I remember like we'd been drinking like all night. And then she, she's basically. basically said she'd never, I can't remember if it was like, she'd never orgasmed or she'd never like, like, massed it basically. And I was like, oh my fucking God. She's like, yeah, I don't have a sex to her. And I was like, what? So I bought her, like, what were like sitting there?

And they showed it to her. And she, and she, you know, she sent me a photo when it arrived. I think she'd like, I went to bed and then she sent me a photo. And she's like, how the fuck is that going to fit up there? And I was like, oh my God, no. Like, don't put it up. Yeah. But I feel like people, you don't know. Immediately think that it's supposed to go up. Yeah.

This is what I mean. I mean, I think in 2005, we were shown a proper diagram of what the clit looks like. Before, you know, in education, the clitoris was not something that was really a part of the reproductive health. Or it wasn't something that was shown or seen as important. And again, in the book, I described like, could you imagine that being done with the penis? like the clitoris is very important when it comes to sex but we're told you know we're taught about our volvers and not even about our volvers we don't even really say vulvers we're taught about our vaginas and barely anyway but if you think about it everyone has this obsession

with something going in in in in and it's not about going in it's about stimulation yeah yes penetration again as i mentioned is important to an extent but when i talk about sex toys immediately people are thinking about something that's going in but it's not just about going in it's about vibrating it's about sucking like there's toys that I love that are just designed for sucking on your clitoris I don't I can't remember the last time I even put a sex toy inside me like if it's not about the clit action I'm just yeah I'm not really interested so what was your recommendation so I interrupted you no no no it's fine one recommendation for it so a suction toy I would say just get a suction toy there's so many that's available you know so many great companies that do

suction toys and they're just phenomenal honestly it takes you to a new level you honestly start to see i feel like you see your body levitate when you orgasm like you see your spirit just in the air because it's that phenomenal but yeah i would definitely say a suction toy but if you're just a new like if you're a beginner get a vibrator it's very simple it's it's you know it's easy to use couple settings couple different vibes and you can use it again during um partnered sex as well you can use it during four, play with your partner, get your partner to use it whilst they're going down on you. So, yeah.

Speaking of your partner going down on you, something else that came up a lot is that someone said, how do you navigate a partner who's not comfortable giving oral but expects to receive it? And actually a few people said this. I'm not getting, my partner won't go down on me. That doesn't shock me. I mean, when I talk about the orgasm gap, it's not just the

orgasm gap that exists, there's oral sex gap as well. where men are used to receiving heads but with women it's not we don't know how to request it maybe because we get into our heads I'd be wondering oh I don't know if I smell good or if you might not like the sight of my vulva there's so many things that we get into our head or we just believe that women are supposed to give

and men really aren't and it's just weird because it's just like yo if you're a dude and you're supposed to be this obsessed with sex shouldn't you be obsessed with my vagina as well like get in between there, do the damn job, you know, but sadly it's not the same. And maybe because some people have this sexist and misogynistic way of thinking that our vulvas are disgusting and I don't know. I really couldn't tell you.

I'm not a man. I also think they're scared of being bad at it. Yeah. They do. They don't know what they're doing because they get there. They don't know what they're doing. If you told them, I mean, how many memes have we seen about men not knowing where they're clit is? Virtually.

Because I think the men that are good at it are the ones that like doing it. And everyone else is just all you're saying when you say I don't want to do it is just that I'm bad at it But I guess like ad for you I remember like There always used to be like People talking about how to give a good blowjob

Like to be like Oh my God there's a YouTube video And like how to give a good blowjob But on YouTube Yeah Yeah yeah Like that Yeah

On the cover of Cosmic Okay okay So I mean Okay so you're not literally showing you But telling you I'm just thinking YouTube would be like talking you through Okay

Okay Yeah I'm really like watch it in six form or something whatever but then I feel like there isn't that for men of like here's how you go down on a woman you know but I do feel like the tides are turning because I feel like we were yeah we were so happy before just for like the scraps of male attention and it's just like we put up with so much shit now like books like alone is coming out and everyone and then they're just going to be terrified now now watch the cover of now how to make her happy like three copy of the big

oh with this week's magazine oh my gosh that is hilarious no I completely agree in in that sense because a lot of men still don't know what they're doing down there as well you're just like what the hell are you doing I think it's embarrassing

for them to have to ask Okay so for me Okay let's be honest No man listen to this I think so I think we have like two No I'm sure men do I call them silent listeners

On my podcast Do you think Yeah when I bump into men They're just like I like your podcast I listen to it when I'm in the stock room I did meet a man who said My wife really likes a podcast And he's like

I really like it too Handing, so decided to listen. When the Comcurious girls came on, a lot of women messaged me to say, I've made my partner listen to this in this episode. So for, I mean, this is really general. I don't know how, if you've even got an answer for this, but if men do happen to be listening, hi,

are you okay while you here? But what can they, like, how can they get good advice on this stuff and learn how to be better in bed? because like we're saying, like men are shape, like how can they be better and do better? A really good question and the answer is in the big O honestly, get the big O

because there's so many methods that I put in there as well. Like, I talk about new oral sex methods that aren't really spoken about as well. So they're new techniques that can be tried as well. I also guide women in the book on how to guide their partners to have better oral sex. so there's tips for men, there's tips for women

and there's literally step by step it's like a step by step tutorial essentially but yeah it's in the book and you know the dilemma that you mentioned if I was to just give an answer I would say maybe try going sex toy shopping and as well as

getting toys if they're really not into it maybe get toys that emulate a type of suction that feels like someone's giving you all sex and if you don't want to do the toys it and you really, you know, want to try and see if they can, you can get their lips down there.

Why not try and get lube, edible lube, lubricant that, my favourite, I've got a favourite one. It's this cram brulee one. Crembrillet, that's advanced, buddy hell. So good. I love using it when I'm giving head because I go to work. I'm just like, you know when it tastes better, you just feel more, it's just like it really does make you more enthusiastic, do you know what I mean?

Crembleleet will do that too. Exactly. So you might want to try, or if it might be something basic, you might want to be like, okay, let's get something like strawberry, you know, edible lube. And that could maybe convince them as well. But if they don't want to do it, you should never ever force anyone to, you know, don't push them past their sexual boundary.

Yeah. I think the problem in what you were saying was the, like, they expect one thing. Yeah. Like that seems to be the, like, there's two different things. Because there's one, if it's like, if you don't like doing it, then that's fair enough because there will be women that don't like giving blowjobs or whatever. but then there's like the expectation if they just won't do it because they're probably shit in bed

and they're also probably in our sausage yeah and they leave them exactly that is true which I said in the beginning dump him right so but yeah it really depends on where it's coming from is it coming from a misogynistic standpoint or is it because they really are clueless and don't want to make a fall out of themselves

and if that's the case like not everybody's like great at everything at sex you know there's certain things no but God loves a tryer right God does love a trial so try yeah just give a go yeah okay I need to call it a sex book that God loves the trier

I'm in a long-term relationship with a man but can't start fantasizing about women and this girl followed up to caveat all of this but she's happy with her boyfriend slash husband I can't remember she's happy with him she doesn't want to break up with him but she just can't stop thinking about women there's something wrong with that

like women are beautiful I don't stop thinking about women too like it makes complete sense like when you're in a relationship just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you stop finding other people attractive it doesn't mean you're not going to stop fantasising we've been lusting after Pierce Brosnan all after me

I have you not I have been laughing after so as lesbian Daisy yeah yeah do you know what I mean like I feel like we try to restrict our sexuality and feel like just because we're with a man we're only supposed to find men attractive

or even if we identify a straight again in the big O I share you know I really do break down sexuality and everything we've been taught surrounding our sexuality. I get women all the time you tell me, listen, I'm straight as hell, but I love watching lesbian porn and I'm just like, okay.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, and even if you, you know, even if you find later on that you might not be straight as hell, a lot of us are more bicarious and bisexual than we are led to believe. So do not feel like you need to, one, put a label on your sexuality, two,

be surprised that you find other people and, you know, other sex is attractive. Yeah, like, this is part of life. I remember reading what's about lesbian porn thing and, like, the reason that a lot of women like watching it more is because it's like female pleasure is actually prioritised more. Yeah. So it's like a more realistic, I suppose, or like...

I think women are just hotter, to be honest. You're not wrong. Yeah. Like, they're great when it's, like, attached to the man that you love, it's still, like, great. But it's just like, when you actually look at it, it's like, huh, it's quite just like a, aggressive.

Yeah. Yeah, a bit aggressive. It's just a sort of, it's not sensual. Yeah, it's not. There's just so much going on with our bodies. Yeah. It's just like beautiful. Like, sometimes I get why men are crazy.

Like, when it comes to women, I'm just like, why can't you just stick to one woman? But then I get it. I'm just like, you know, we're beautiful. So I get why you might want to be with more than one. But when it comes to men, I'm just like, yeah, I find them attractive too. They're nice.

Cute. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Balls are off. Like, really stuff, but, yeah. It's weird.

But, like, they do really walk around, like, they're the bollocks, literally, like, the dog's bollocks. And then I'm just like, really? Like, if we were starting again, you'd look at a woman and you'd look at a man, you'd be like, let me try again. Yeah. Yeah. It seems a bit unfair to give them those.

I mean, well, that's how we came about, isn't it? When men, there was just like, hmm, let's try that again. Yeah. There we go. That's better. Kind of tapping into what we talked about before But someone asked Is it okay to say no to sex

When you're not feeling it But your partner has a much higher sex drive F his sex drive Excuse me Yeah, okay Yeah, no, listen I feel like there's just so many toxic messages out there

That make women feel as though They need to be everything And more to men Especially sexually You're not his like dumping ground for come I'm sorry, no If you don't want to have sex you don't want to have sex.

You don't need to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. You don't even need to talk to him if you don't feel like talking to him. No, especially your body. Absolutely not. Consent is very important. It's something that I do not mess around with

and it's a message that I always stress out. It doesn't matter how long you've been with this person, how short you've been with this person. If you do not want to do something sexually with anyone, nobody can force you to do anything. And if they do, they need to be locked away. Yeah. Okay.

I'm experienced sad, that line. questioning this. Yeah. Like, is it okay? Like, sometimes we feel like we have to put

in this performance or we have to continue this sexual being. No, like, I'm on my period right now. I just,

fuck off. Or I'm tired. I have a full job. I'm full. I ate a massive dinner or whatever. Like, I do not want you in my gut.

Yeah, I've got to be up. Yeah. Literally. Honestly, I've had a full dinner. I don't eat you there. Sometimes you need that much if you're like,

like we're full. Like, there's just no room. Right. So one girl asked, why can't, why can't I orgasm for my boyfriend? I am attracted to him and I always communicate my needs. So I'm guessing this one is a bit, yeah, I don't know. So why can't she's by Max?

Yeah, if she's communicating what she needs to explore. She needs to just continue exploring. Right. Continue trying out different things in the bedroom. Be patient as well. The biggest sexual organ that we have is our brain. so try to exercise that more fantasize. You know, you had a girl there that was talking about how she enjoys thinking about women.

When you're having sex, do not feel afraid to fantasize as well. I love to fantasize. I like to. And it just makes it even more explosive as well. So try to get out of your head and try to get into your head at the same time. So when I say get out of your head, I mean, like, don't focus on the orgasm. Like allow your mind to wander and think about, you know, because let's just say, for example, you're in a hotel.

think about another sexual place that you could also be so allow your mind to do that again I do love talking about toys because I really do feel like they're underrated and every woman needs one get yourself some toys that really do speak to you and your partner and try some lube as well because that's something that we do shy away from I know I was talking about edible lube but water-based lube just in general because everyone knows the wet the better And I think women feel like a shame if they don't get wet on their own or like men might make them feel like they're doing something wrong. Yeah, we feel like their pussies are broken and that's not true.

Again, you can be on medication. You might be on your third round of sex in the evening. Like, you're not just going to gush or squirt, so. Yeah, and vaginismus. Yeah. There's so many reasons, so many reasons, yeah. Speaking of sex toys, is it true that using a vibrator daily reduces your sensitivity? It doesn't reduce your sensitivity.

You just need to take a break. Like, I get this question all the time. I'm going to just like, oh my God, I feel like I'm going to be desensitized. Yeah, if you keep using the same wand 3,000, at the highest speed, on your clear, constantly, every night before you go to bed, yes. Like, the sensation does become capped to the point you're just like, this isn't doing it for me. And that's fine, because your draw should be full of other toys that you can also try out. Or you just might need a break that day. That's fine.

I feel like too much of anything. If you take a break, can it come back? Absolutely. You just need a day, a day, and you'll be fine. A day. A day. A day. A day.

A day or two, you're good, and you'll be fine. And again, mix up your sex toys. My boyfriend has a go at me because he's just like, you say this all the time on podcast, but do they know that you use the same program? Shut up, okay? Love that toy. But I do, when the dilemma does come about, the thing is, as long as you know the answer, I know the answer.

So if I ever do get desensitized, I know what the answer is. I'm just like, I just need a break or I just need to mix up my sex toys. People don't know that they just need to mix up their sex toys. and stop using it at the same speed or vibrating, yeah, whatever it is. So, yeah, that's the answer. Have a break, have a kick cap. Have a break, have a kick cap, for you. Sweet.

Stunning. Amazing. Nice. It's been very enlightening. Thank you. And I imagine very, very helpful for a lot of people. I hope so. Who still struggle to find answers around this stuff.

Yeah. Because it can still be quite difficult, right? I mean, we live in a world now that it's like it's much more accessible information around sex but yet that still it still isn't a conversation that's in the mainstream

so I think every conversation like this is really important to have and thank you so much for coming up thank you for having me again yeah and your book we're going to put a link to your book in the show notes is called the Big O everyone needs to read it

every woman and every man probably more men if we want to close the organ gap yes we do need to do the work but they have to participate in it as well yeah that's the thing it's like in so many things women carry the emotional labor burden responsibility whatever you want to call it like we have to do the lion share and then it's just like oh for god's sake like we have to do this for you as well but it'll pay off it will probably hopefully and if not go find someone that can make it pay off um thank you so much for being here

I appreciate it. Thank you. This has been so fun. So thank you for having me again. Thank you. Share it. Should I delete that is part of the ACAS creator network.