Should I Delete That? - The Best of 2023!

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Merry Christmas everyone! As our festive gift to you, we have collated our best moments of 2023. You will hear from top guests Milly Pickles, Jacqueline Hurst, Emma the Embryologist, Em's Mum, Tess Holliday, Sarah de Lagarde, Andrea Cheong and Dr Amanda Brown. Cue unheard moments, wisdom, laughs and burps...Follow us on Instagram @shouldideletethatEmail us at [e-mail] by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm sorry, I've been waiting to do this for a long time. Fucking hell. That was so meaty. I genuinely, don't put it all over the room. Waiting to do that. It's painful. Hello and welcome back to Should I Delete That? This is our best of episode.

And in this naturally, slightly chaotic but jam-packed episode, we are bringing you. the best of 2023 from Glitches in the Matrix and Wolves potentially not being real to honest chat about body image and mental health we have pulled together a lot of laughs some cries and a bunch of stellar advice from some of our wonderful guests we hope you enjoy this episode and we will see you in the new year love you loads okay um I've got something really funny to read out to you excited the subject line is that time I met Emma and Alex? Oh, no.

No. I know. Hi, SIDT podcast team. I hope you're all doing well. Congrats on the huge success of the podcast and welcome to the gang, Baby Arlo. I thought I'd write in to tell you a little story

about the time I met Emma and Alex in pertinent. In person. I haven't quite determined if this was more awkward for me or men, but the listeners can decide if you ever share this story. In March last year, I had a planned dinner date

with my best friend, a lovely restaurant called Mallow in London. and on the way there we were chatting about should I delete that podcast. It was still quite new and how great it was. When we arrived, we were greeted by a waitress who took us upstairs through the busy restaurant to our table and a little side room. On the way there, I spotted

two very familiar faces out of the corner of my eye. Em and Alex were sat a couple of metres away from us having dinner with a friend. I did a double tape before grabbed my friend's arm and whispering M. Clarkson and Alex literally sat at the table right there. We sat down and I immediately thought about whether it was appropriate to go up to them

to tell them how much we loved them and their podcast, but I really didn't want to get in the way of their dinner or look like a creepy stalker. So I decided the best thing to do was ask the waitress if she could bring some glasses of Prosecco over to their table with a little message from us. Nice and simple. I know.

Just after we'd ordered the Prosecco, the waitress rushed back and said, I think they're leaving, actually. I didn't want to miss my chance, so I plucked up the courage to go over to them and my friend joined a few steps behind me. I walked up to the table, Emma and Alexander Baxter us,

and just started with a hey guys Emma immediately turned round and started rushing to gather her things saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're leaving now, so sorry clearly thinking I was a waitress coming over to kick them out. Alex joined in apologising for taking so long. Before I managed to say, oh no, no, I don't work it,

we just came over to tell you how much we love the podcast. I think we were all quite embarrassed at this point but they were so lovely to us and we had a little exchange via DMs about how funny the situation was. Turns out they'd been asked to leave a couple of times already. as the restaurant needed their table back so we look like we'd come to tell them off.

I just wanted to share this funny story. It was so great meeting Emma and Alex that night and I've been listening to every single episode from day one. My friend, the same one who was at the restaurant that night. And I have tickets to the live show and we can't wait to see you all there. Thanks for all the hard work you put into the show and all the amazing stories you tell.

I'm so excited to meet you. I'm so excited that we get to make up for last time. Yes, yes, yes, we're going. I remember telling the story about because it was our awkward because it was, we've been asked to leave the restaurant twice. We were like, oh my God, we're fucking going. We've not been that bad. We've paid.

Like, we didn't dribble and we weren't offensive. Oh my God, I forgot about that. They were so nice. I can't believe they were sending over for special. I know. I know. That is so nice. I mean, yeah.

That's confident, though, because I would never be sure that someone was who I thought it was, you know. If I have, you know, someone online, I would never be sure. I don't trust myself enough, I don't think. Criticism, like, I didn't know if it was criticism or, like, outright hate, but... But I don't believe in criticism. Criticism. Okay. I don't believe in it.

Okay, so what is like, okay, so if someone is critiquing you, do you take that and... But what's critiquing, it's not even... That's what Jacqueline will say. But do you take, okay, do you take what I would perceive to be criticism? Do you take that and... I go, that's really interesting. That is their opinion. And I'll read that.

and I'll say, is there any of that I agree with? Is there any of that where I look at and go, oh yeah, maybe I could actually stop swearing so much? Or would that work for me? Yeah. Or would that work? Not really. But it's not done in a way of like,

and they're validating it for me. They're not. That is their opinion. That's why I don't believe in criticism. It's not a criticism. I don't believe in it. Like, I believe in the fact that you have a different opinion and you have a different opinion and I have a different opinion.

And I might say, listen, and I really think that pink goes much better with orange, you know, and you'll go, oh my gosh, she's criticizing that I'm wearing pink and orange. It's not. It's just my opinion. Okay, so, sorry. You always said that to me about, like, again, if I'd go to Jacqueline and say, they're criticising me or they've said something mean,

to be like, what's actually happening here? Like, what's actually happening is words are coming out of their mouth, and you're putting all your shit onto it. You're inferring it as criticism. You're taking it as negative. Yeah. But actually, they're just saying words, and it's fully up to me.

I want to interpret their words, which I love. What do you think of people who feel compelled to share their opinion when it's not necessarily going to have a positive impact on you? I guess that's sometimes what I struggle with when people say to me, okay, I don't know how else to call it, if not a criticism, but I feel like they are critiquing my work and say, I don't think you do this right. I'm allowed to share my opinion.

And I'm stumped on that part because I'm like, I guess I can't argue that, but, like, you've... I don't really know what my question is, but... How do you stop being hurt by them? Or, like, do you think that's... Like, what do you think? Do you think that's right that they can... Yeah, they can share that opinion with you like that?

Surprisingly, sorry. One of the best things my dad ever taught me, which is... I know. One of the best things my dad ever taught me was that, um, he said, with this job, because obviously, you know, it's a similar job. He said, you've had your opinion. and everybody else is allowed theirs and it's like

Yeah And they, you know When people come to me in the DMs And they say like Oh, I'm allowed my opinion I'm like yeah You are Yeah

And I'm allowed mine And what is quite interesting In our job I think is people come And they say You shouldn't have done this And this and this And I'm allowed my opinion

And I'm like Well so am I And you're saying I shouldn't I shouldn't I shouldn't But my opinion is That I should So all that's happening here

Is that we disagree So I don't even open them They're saying And I just say, well, it's that, bless you. Like, we've wasted your time. Do you think opinions and critics are the same thing? I don't believe in critical. I don't believe in the word.

So on that level, on that logic, yes. It's an opinion. It's someone's opinion. And they're allowed it. Like, okay. So, my next TikTok is things you shouldn't do as a trauma, a brain trauma expert. You're not a brain trauma expert. No, no, this woman was like, I'm a brain trauma expert.

Here are things that I would never do and you shouldn't do either. Number one, don't ride a bike. Number two, don't go on a trampoline. Oh, because you might traumatise your brain. Yeah. Number three, don't get hit by lightning. I'm like, okay. I can't help that.

If I'm going to get hit by lightning, I'm going to get hit by lightning. But thank you for unlocking a new fear. She's like, it's really bad to get hit by lightning. I'm like, okay. Thank you. Fucking obviously. I have a teacher in year five who got struck by lightning. Two times.

That is incredibly unlucky. Very unfortunate. And also, like, I don't know, aren't you more like, what's, I love the lottery statistic of like,

you're more likely to get hit by lightning. I don't know. Than win the lottery? Yeah, something like that. What I say with the wardrobe order is that it's something you should be doing seasonally. And you have your four piles.

One pile is stuff that you need to repair at altar. The other, so every time you want to shop, go to that pile. first to see what you can repair at altar because often is the same amount of money to actually reinvest in something that has served you for so long versus buying something new. Okay. Second one is stuff that you want to donate or gift. And I say donate or gift because you

never donate anything that your friend would turn their nose off at. And you also have another pile of things that are that you kind of want but it's not in season. So you just pack them away and vacuum storage bags. And then you have another pile and this is stuff that you really don't want and it's actually that pile that I ask people to look at because I'm not a stylist like I can dress myself and I'm confident in my style but I'm not about to go out there and style anybody else and it's this pile that I want people to look at because you're going to find so much information in what you don't want that's actually going to help you build up your wardrobe when you do go shopping so you're going to be looking at composition tags are there

materials that keep popping up that you thought you need to think twice about but maybe it's like a certain type of fiber that makes you itchy or maybe it's something that makes you really sweaty and you've never understood why and then you'll start seeing okay this certain material pops up again and again or it could be a retailer and it really changes with different individuals there was one incident where I did a wardrobe ward it with a with a girl I know and I was shocked because most of the stuff she didn't want was organic cotton I was like oh god okay let's take a beat like okay is there something wrong with the method but then I actually was like wait Material is different to quality. So don't just look at the composition tax.

When I actually analysed the quality of the clothes that she didn't want, they were really poor quality. Organic cotton that was super thin, really crunchy, really papery, stuff that had really bad colour transfer, didn't wash well. And that's when I realised that it's so individual to different people. So I'm just giving you the framework and the wardrobe board it can really help you to understand where you sit in that. So if you feel like, okay, I don't want to be wasteful,

I don't want to go out and spend loads of money. Do your wardrobe board it first. Take out all the stuff that you don't want. Don't repeat those mistakes, if you know what I mean. Yeah. And then you can see what you're left with. Earlier this week, we were walking down the street. And for reasons best known to ourselves,

we were talking about my bum hole, because that's just something that happens. Why not? Why not? And as a direct quote, he said the words to me, isn't there a cat in Egypt called a sphincter? Wait. Oh, no, hang on, wait. Isn't there a cat in Egypt called the sphincter?

There is. The fucking is. No, it's fucking not, Al. There's one called the sphinx. The sphinx, that's it. It was like, this feels so right, but also so wrong. And the sphincter is in your urine. No, no, it's in your bladder.

No, your sphinct is your butthole. Oh. This is not, this wasn't quite the reception I foresaw. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, hang on. I'm sure sphincters was to do the bladder. I'm sure the sphincters. Oh, we have lots of sphincters.

Oh my God, we have over 50 types of sphinctors in the human body. Is one of them the butthole? Yes, one of them is the internal anal sphincter. Stunning. And one of them is a cat need chit. Alex, I love that. Oh my God, that's so like my vibes. That's so Alex vibes.

That's such an Alex moment. So I'm Sarah De LaGarde. I didn't have an extraordinary life before. And then on the 30th of September on that Friday, something happened that would change my life forever. So, yeah, that's that. And it's remarkably recent, isn't it? It's what, four months ago? Yes, four months.

It's unbelievable. Because, I mean, to see you here today, you look great. I mean, obviously your life has changed beyond measure and we'll get into it. to that but it's yeah it's it's it's so cool to like see you here and like looking great and happy and yeah thank you i guess i guess i'm positive because i always think about what could have happened i could have died that night um at least 10 times according to you know various people who were part of the the rescue mission um so for me it's really every time i every day when i wake up i feel and i'm so happy that i'm alive when i see my kids i'm like i'm so happy i'm a

them now so yeah bless you and can we ask what did happen on Friday the 30th of September yes so I I was at work that day in the office and I stayed on a little bit later than I would usually had some projects to finish and then I left the office quite late I remember it the weather being horrendous it was quite windy rainy and I thought oh I need to take a cab to go home and I just couldn't get one and in the end I thought okay I'm going to going to take the tube. And I remember sitting in the carriage and I was so tired and I thought, okay, I'm just going to rest my eyes for two minutes. And then I woke up in High Barnard, which is not my station. And I thought, oh, oh gosh, I was a bit, I felt lost because I just

woke up. So I rushed out of the tube, realized, yeah, this, what am I doing? I actually need to stay on that tube to go back into London. And so I ran. And there was, um, Water on the platform, I remember that, and I slipped and tripped and fell headfirst into the closing door of the tube and broke my nose, broke my front teeth, two teeth. And I slid down the carriage and fell on the gravel. And I remember falling into the darkness and thinking, oh my gosh, I'm not supposed to be here. This is all sorts of wrong. and yeah then the train departed and crushed my I remember like trying to roll on to the side away from the train but I was not fast enough and the train caught my my arm and my leg and yeah I know oh my God this is a something that's such a freak accident that happened to you and it can just like that your whole life can change and yeah I think you're teaching so many people to be grateful for their life that they have whatever that looks like and I just think you're amazing Thank you.

Thank you. But it's true that, you know, we so easily, we're so privileged in this country that we have, you know, the NHS system. And I probably didn't appreciate it as much before. And it's only when you, you know, you are in a life and death situation that you think, oh my gosh, I need help. And this is one thing that I realized quite quickly is that before the accident, I was quite independent. So I had a lot of friends, but I would never ask for help for anything. I would say, I can deal with it myself. And this independence changed now because I realized quite quickly that no one can be doing it completely on their own all the time.

we are as human beings we are designed to work together to live together in society we are dependent co-dependent on each other and that made me realize you know we we are after all hurt animals we're supposed to be you know dependent on other people and there's nothing wrong with that it's and there's nothing wrong with that exactly and it's it's okay to ask for help it was really hard for me in the beginning and it was these small details I remember being at a Christmas dinner at our friends, and we get served, and it was lovely, delicious food. But there was a piece of meat on my plate, and I looked at it, and I thought, it looks delicious, but I can't cut it. Because with one hand, you can't cut anything.

And this is where my husband noticed that straight away, noticed my body language, and he just switched plates, and just cut the meat for me and then switch plates again. but the lovely thing was that when I took a second helping my friend who sat on the other side of me just picked up my plate and wordlessly just cut the meat because they'd noticed that before and that I thought that was so amazing that I didn't even have to ask for help but because they'd seen my husband do it

they automatically did it as well I thought that was quite cute that's really cute yeah it's amazing and this helps a lot because I don't want to be seen as a victim you know, that's, I don't want people to say like, oh, poor you, you know, I, because I don't see myself as that. Obviously, the accident is terrible and what happened is horrible and irreversible and, but it has happened and I can't change it. And now I just have to, you know, make the best of it. But it doesn't help when people remind me of like how sad all of this

is because, you know, that box with all of these, you know, negative feelings is still there. And it's just feeding it, you know, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. I'm okay. Well, thank you so much. This has been amazing. A roller coaster. Sorry for crying so much. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry.

It is quite emotional and I still feel it as well today. It's so moving. Your story is, yeah. I mean, obviously horrific what happened to you, but just so amazing to see you out the other side of that now and hear and mobile and just with yeah and to hear your yeah gratitude for life is so cool you're so smiling yeah you're so smiley yeah and it's funny because we're always like oh you don't want to be scared of like it like it's kind of embarrassing to be scared at the dark and it's like

I mean low at a door with me yeah when I was little in the countryside and I'd be scared at the dark I was really scared of foxes and wolves I don't know what wolves I thought roaming around boxwoodshire but I was really convinced because we had chickens when I was a kid and I was risking these chickens and we used to have to go and lock the chickens up at night and in my head I'd be like well I'm going to be eaten by a wolf I think it was red riding hood but I mean yeah they do not exist well ow wolves exist they're legends aren't they wolves

foxes exist but wolves don't exist wolves don't exist wolves don't exist oh shit oh god I thought they were legends like myths what

hang on hang on hang on wherewolves werewolves are legend not legends like that's it that's it

what a cool dude what a lege that's it what a babe um I thought they were like dragons or like lizards or like you know like my favourite thing about that

he said it about 12 times and it wasn't getting any more true Wolf don't exist we have we asked you for your nightmare auto correct slash text messages gone wrong stories and we have some good ones. Okay.

Okay, you ready? Yeah. I wrote, please. I wrote, sorry, I wrote please I can't, sorry. Okay, I wrote please piss through the letter box instead of post

on the delivery instructions. Imagine. A little balance poking through. Mind you, that would be painful. Have you felt the ferocity? Yeah, that's a full guillotine. Please piss through the letterbox.

Okay. Oh, wow. I was making a hot chocolate work and I messaged my colleague saying, do you want a hot chick? Oh, my friend sent lull to her friend when her grandma died, intending it to mean lots of love. My grandma did that to me. When her cancer came back, she sent me a text and she said,

this was like olden days and she said, I said like how's it going or something I can't remember exactly what I said like how's it going like love you whatever and she was like yeah not great stupid cancer in my boob or whatever

and then lull I think that's where I got it from just like the pathological need to lull after everything's serious okay another I got a message for my dad saying mum has moved

out the rest of her stuff, comma, L-O-L. My dad thought Loll meant lots of love and that was very awkward. Messaged my potential landlord, hi Karena and it auto-corrected to high vagina. Oh no. Hi vagina. Hi vagina.

Hi vagina. Told my boss I emailed a c-ment accounts. Got kicked out with a team's call and quickly messaged to explain and it came out as My wife has gone down. My new boss said, I really hope she's okay. I'm meant to say Wi-Fi.

I'm married to a man. It was gone down where? My wife is down. About six months ago when we were living at respective parents' houses, my boyfriend and I were planning our meal for later that night via text. He suggested something

then I realized we already had dinner accounted for. So I text saying, oh fuck, dad's taken Macs out when it should have said Mac, as in macaroni cheese, taken out the freezer and my poor boyfriend thought he was going to have to stage an intervention because we had just buried our lovely dog Max days earlier. I couldn't text back quickly enough simultaneously horrified and also wetted myself. Dad's taken Max out. That's terrible. Oh God, I've got

to stop caveating with really random stories from my family. This is really not funny. Go on. Do you know Alex's childhood cat was called pussy? Because he named it as a boy called pussy. was a male cat and Alex names it and he was a child and the cat lived to be 19 wow I know and when he died we were me and Alex it was our first time going away together and we were in the south of France and we were flying back and we were at Nice airport and basically the cat had no actually that he got the call when we were coming back saying that the cat's dead super bad we got back to island and then we came we went back to Ireland to go and be with his mom and then I think we ended up I can't remember anyway at some point we got this phone call from her devastated

and she was like and I could just hear her sobbing and it was like oh my god and she's like pussy is all over the garden she's like what do you mean she was like pussy is all over the garden pussy's been strewn on the garden because the fox had dug it off I know because she hadn't dug it deeply enough poor pussy oh my goodness I know and it was like no

this cat couldn't be taken seriously even in death because Alex had called it pussy who called it pussy Alex did but like what was his mom thinking being like yeah sure child this poor girl

I know she did I get it and she was so naive I know because Alex said this cat would go missing all the time and they had the

like the estate in Dublin where he was from and she'd be up and down the road going has anyone seen my pussy pussy's missing

anyone seen my pussy I'm like just call it push just anything else I know I know

Pussy RIPP Pussy I know yeah Alex loved that cat um I really enjoyed that something occurred to me okay I heard it somewhere and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it yeah picture you're sitting in a car yeah you're just driving in a car in front of you is a bus you're in the same lane yeah you're in a car yeah now in my car yeah I can reach the other door yeah from where I'm driving I could reach the passenger door right yeah go on but the bus in front of me also in the same lane, to all the tins and purposes, pretty much the same width, can fit five people in a row. There's five seats along the back of the bus. Wait, what? And yet they somehow fit in the same lane as me and my car. And a normal car barely fits in a lane. Barely fits in a lane. But you've got two people, then an aisle, then two more people.

And then there's me and my car where I can touch the other door. And three people are squeezed into a normal car. Right. This is only the beginning. This is where it started. But can we not concede that that's a, like, that's a blow my mind. A glitch in the matrix. Like, that's a weird one.

And I think about it. Every time I'm in the car, I'm like, I don't understand. It's got to be wider. It is. But not like, two. extra people wider and two not just people but seats wider it's called the red bull 400 yeah so essentially i hadn't heard of it until three weeks prior and rebel contacted me yeah three weeks three weeks i had no idea and they contacted me and said would you be interested in this and they sent me a video and i saw

this hill and i was like oh my god can i even do this but because after my accident i just really wanted to start living my life because it was so nearly taken from me i've become kind of like like a yes man to everything so i was like yeah okay and i just thought i'll deal with it at the time but um yeah so it's the steepest toughest 400 meter race in the world and it's a ski jump which you just run up essentially and the ski jump is where they hold the olympics and like world skis and cup so yeah it's it's crazy it sounds awful it literally sounds horrendous you've run up to skis as well yeah on your vlogs and on your videos i was like it looks awful. Like horrendous. Do you know it's funny though when you look at it you can see the green

grass but people think that's the end and then there's more at the top which it goes ridiculously steep and it goes up to 78 degree incline so it's so steep and it's so long and it's actually more of endurance because yeah it was 400 metres but it took me 17 minutes 26 seconds it would take me my whole life 17 minutes 26 seconds yes I think it would take me that long just to be 400 to be it at a zero percent gradient. To be honest, it does take me like 23 minutes to walk a mile, so we're not far off that. That's crazy.

Yeah, it was wild. It really was. Were you scared of falling back down the hill? Weirdly, no. I think my character, even with my accident, when I found out what was like happening, all the surgeries and all the risks, nothing in me was worrying about what was going to happen.

I just thought, I'm just going to block it out. So I didn't actually think about falling down, weirdly. And I think as well you don't fall down because it's so steep that you go on all fours. And I think that saves you. Because my foot was slipping. So, yeah, you could. But no one, no one ever has. No, no.

I would be an absolute car crash. I'd set a record. I like that. I like it. Honestly, if you're like bowling, everyone just gets knocked out. Yeah, oh yeah, of course. I've got the right shoes for that. Become prepared, we love it.

If you don't mind, would you mind telling us a little bit about the journey, like, rewinding you to your accident and getting you from there to what you've just done? Because you put up an amazing video last night on the day of recording where it was like, maybe I watched it like four times, Alex was like, what is that audio? Because it was like, it was. Because the audio is, yeah. It was amazing. It was you doing the climb.

And then it was hardcore music. And then the music stopped and went to like soft piano and it's you in your rehab. like yeah and it was really emotional seeing how far you've come thank you so would you be able to tell us a little bit about like that journey and way started yeah of course so I was 20 years old at the time and I was working at chess football club in marketing on my internship because I was at uni studying marketing at Bournemouth and it's so funny because when I got the job I was so excited I was like oh my god um like this is like my dream job and it's so funny because I think if I knew back then what was going to happen to me crazy um but yeah I was too

months in and I had an accident, I got electrocuted and I was essentially fighting for my life and my legs. It is a miracle that I'm alive. So I was in hospital for two and a half months. I went to three different hospitals. I had over 25 surgeries because when you're internally burning, you internally burn for weeks. So it felt like I was being electrocuted for about three weeks. Oh my God. Yeah, it was not, it was not pleasant. Did not realize that. No, because your muscles are burning essentially. So they kept having to do to bridement, which is where they take away dead muscle because it just kept on burning. So, yeah, it was not great. And I had, like, loads of infections, fevers. It was a tough time. But I just remember all the surgeons came into my room

about two weeks later. And they said, you know, we've been weighing up the pros and cons of keeping a leg, not keeping a leg, and then they were listing them all to me. And I just remember interrupted them and I was, I'm so sorry, but I've seen my leg. It's in a really bad way. I know needs to go because I just didn't want to spend my whole entire time for the next two years coming in out of hospital fighting for something that was quite clearly dead and I just wanted to get back to my life so he was like you're sure you're making the right decision I was like yeah I think so um yeah it was it was a lot um but the thing is when they all left the room I find it crazy to the day how I reacted because I had a few tears there wasn't many at all

And I turned to my parents and I said, well, at least I can be in the Paralympics now. And that was genuinely the first thing I said. Wow. Yeah. Because I was like, what can I do now that I couldn't do before? And it was like my brain was trying to quickly think. And that's what I came up with. So, yeah.

And I think I had that mentality a lot throughout hospital. So I didn't ever really think, why me? Why is this happening to me? I just kind of was like, what can I do? So I started learning Spanish and I was reading. I'd say the main negative thing that I felt. was nobody would fancy me now which is crazy to think

because you know I was a young girl and I mean I'm sure there are people that wouldn't fancy me but I just started to think really negatively about that and I felt really insecure but then I just thought to myself well if

if people think that I don't really want to know them anyway right because they're clearly not a good person so yeah anyway so I when I came out of hospital two and a half months later I got a prosthetic leg within a month

and I'm a very determined person so I was very good at walking again and running and trying to do all these things so I came out of physio really quickly and I returned to work at Chelsea within two months so it's four months yeah your face yeah because I thought to myself

this is an internship I don't want to miss out on this opportunity because it's incredible so I need to get back and work and get as much valuable information and knowledge as I can to set me up for my career so yeah I returned within two months and I was going in a few days and they're really flexible let me work from home so I was doing the working from home thing like way before lockdown but um yeah so I did that and then I always like had a goal so I was like okay I'm going to learn to walk and then I started to learn to DJ and in the meantime I'd probably sound crazy

don't I because I was like to learn to DJ and then I was doing marketing courses and there was so much that I was just trying to focus my energy and time on rather than thinking like negatively. Yeah. Which I did, I was concerned, is it going to affect me one day? Am I, am I just hiding how I'm truly feeling by doing all these other things to shut my brain? So I had like three therapists

because I was really wanted to make sure that I am actually okay. And even to this day, six years later, I am genuinely okay. And I think it's just because I know how it could have been. And I'm so great, I don't want to cry.

I can feel it coming. I know what it could have been. Honestly, I'm such an emotional. I don't know. I don't. It makes me cry because it's actually like the Red Bull thing. It makes me realize how far I've come. And like that means a lot to me.

You've come so far. It's unbelievable. From that, I actually, I had a thought this morning. And I said it as a joke to Alex, but it's actually been kind of haunting me all day because I saw a guy in a Porsche, no, in a Jaguar, it's a really nice car on the way to the hospital.

And I was like, oh my God, it was such a nice car. And then I was like, and Alex was like, no room for a babysitting that. And then I was like, hmm, why does so many middle-aged men have these cars? And then I'm like, well, they've probably like, so bad. I was like, their kids probably just hate them.

Like, they've probably just been like really, like, they've probably just gone and, like, had an affair and left. And their kids just hate them. So they just got, they don't need all the seats. need back seats because they haven't got anyone to put in the car with them. Do those cars not have back seats? Those cars don't have back seats.

Fuck off. Are you kidding? I don't think I've ever seen a car without a back seat. What? Without a backseat. What? Without a backseat. You never see the car without a back seat.

Come on. Like a friary? Or a Porsche or a Lamborghini. I don't mean the very back. I mean, like, are you talking the very back? Ow. What? Type in Ferrari, Spider.

Are you saying fours, not, are you saying every single car has four seats? Like my brother's car only. Yes. No, my brother's car has two seats. Never. So what's in the back? Nothing. A smart car, even.

So what's behind the front? The boot. You have a three. door or a five-door car. That's why they'll describe your car as a five-door, four-doors and a boot, or they describe it as a three-door. Yeah, but when there's three doors, you just have to, you have to flip the front seat. There aren't any back seats. Yeah, my brother doesn't have any back seats in his car. He just has two, wildly and practically regrets it most days. But I didn't know that two-seater cars existed. I genuinely didn't know that. How

would I know that, though? That's so random. Oh, they're absolutely everywhere. How do you not know that? Also, look. How do you know that like... This is coming up as a two-seater, but that there, it looks like there's... Okay, fine, type in Lamborghini Gallardo. Type in Fiat Spider, that's what my brother has. Fiat Spider.

Yeah. See it? What? My mind is... I know. He looks like a hairdresser when he's right there. Actually blown. What the hell?

How? I just don't know how I would know that, right? I don't know how you don't know that. But how would I know that? Because they're everywhere. Like, if you go outside, and open your eyes a car's going to drive past you and some of the cars are going to have four seats and some of them are going to have seven seats and some of them are going to have

two seats and then there's these things where they have two wheels and just one seat shut up yeah i know huge shut up no you're not you've did they have two wheels motor bikes out oh oh okay i'm not how now you're taking the piss you're imagining this like uniccar you've never seen a two-seater car no but i mean i might have seen one but it has not registered that it's only got two seats. I honestly, I feel like my head's going to fall off. How did you feel, did it ever feel threatening being like you in a prison full of men? No, not at all is the quick answer.

If anything, I felt slightly protected by them because they were just very, very, I was like their friend. So if I was walking around the prison and they were on what they call association time or free flow when the prisons go from cells to canteen to educate, whatever, and I might be seeing them around walking on the wings. They were just great, you know, hi, Doc, how are you, sometimes shake my hand. And it was, you know, it was like, so I didn't feel scared, thank God. I didn't feel threatened.

And I'm quite proud to say that in 19 years of prison, I only once had to press the panic button because a guy I was seeing who just arrived in prison quite late at night in the scrubs. He seemed absolutely fine, chatting quite normally. And then suddenly he leapt up, he was suffering from schizophrenia, he told me. leapt out of his chair and started cracking his head back on this concrete wall repeatedly. I honestly thought he was going to crack his head open. I thought he's either going to or he's going to turn on me.

So that was only the one time I pressed the panic button. And within seconds, there must have been about 10 officers arrived, which was hugely impressive. And I felt slightly embarrassed that I pressed the button almost, you know, for making a fuss. But I seriously thought the guy was going to crack his skull open. So that was the only time. Once in 19 years. Yeah, I am quite proud of that.

Yeah, that is amazing. Shame it was once, but there you go. So really interesting, why do you think it was that you'd been told that women were more difficult and that you'd hate it so much? I don't know, but I heard it so many times. And I was so happy working the scrubs, I had no particular need to go and work. And also, I mean, apart for anything, Holloway was a much more difficult journey. You know, I'd had no need to do it.

Plus, I was told, oh, you know, they'll eat you alive and make life health for you and this, that and the other. And I thought, so it's not a great invitation, is it, to go in? But so when I say when I was off of this shift, I do believe in fate a bit. I do think life steers you along the way you're meant to go and you just sometimes have to follow it. And in I went and from literally day one, it was wonderful. And I did manage, again, I was quite proud of that record.

I wanted to beat the Scrubs record of seven years. So I was there for seven years and four months until I retired in April. And I'd, you know, I absolutely loved it. But the stories that I heard from these women never, ever, ever stopped shocking me. I mean, I thought I'd get immune to it, but they never, they never, I never stopped being shocked at the stories I heard. The stories of why they were there. Yeah. Yeah.

And again, I think it's something like, I think the statistic is 86% of women in prison have, have, of victims themselves of some sort of abuse, domestic violence, controlling relationships. whatever and they are victims and the stories I heard behind their stories of addiction and why they're in prison were so powerful and so heartbreaking you know girls being injected by heroin with heroin at the age of sort of 1213 so that they become prostitutes for their and on it goes I mean yeah so so these poor women end up usually on drugs to obliterate the memories then they become homeless and they get in prison and I knew so many women tried to get arrested so that they didn't have to sleep on the streets. Horrific.

And sorry, here comes the old stats, 65% apparently, when I was there anyway, were released to homelessness. And they have no, how do you have a chance when you're released to homelessness? Most of them would say they then go to a crack house to get shelter and they're back on their drugs or they try and get arrested to get back into prison. so one campaign must be to try and there must be a better place for women than prison I'd argue it's much easier to make a boat I mean I don't want to be like but what about but like what about a boat

I think it's way easier to make a boat showcase sure are you kidding oh my god you could put a tin bath and they float you just literally just like a boat like boats are just no but you can't you've got to have wheels and a motor wheels on a boat No No

No Paddle flappy things You do You do You do On the bottom of a boat I'm sure of it You do

Stay there No On a sailboat You'd have a rudder at the back I'm thinking Titanic Didn't have wheels Al It didn't have wheels What's on the bottom of a boat

Nothing Oh no there really isn't No Oh and a rudder Yes one thing at the back. Oh shit, yeah. I thought it had big wheels.

Okay, no mind. No mind. I thought that's... She thought wheels. She thought boats had wheels. But like, then how does it get anywhere? On the back of it? On a trailer.

You just put a boat on a trailer and you just... You see that someone's on the back of the motorway. Someone's got their boat on a trailer. But how does the boat move on water? Oh my God. With either the propeller or the... rudder either wind what would a wheel do in water how on earth would that work there's no traction

i thought that's how they i thought that's how they went boats no propeller at the back propeller yes it's not a wheel it's a good to do go do go do go do go it's like a thin thing at the back and it goes like a fan yeah oh not a wheel i think people sometimes project a lot of their own feelings of inferiority when it comes to exercise because they think oh you're you're so amazing you can't possibly know what it's like to struggle running a 5k or whatever but something that you've maintained throughout it and you touched on it earlier is this like it doesn't matter how far you're going it doesn't matter how fast you do it it is about having a go and it kind of feels like that even when you're doing the most extreme and extraordinary things your attitude with it is very patient

with yourself and with others and very just like not laissez-faire because you're you've got that grit inside you, but it's not a competitive thing. I still, every time I turn up to an event and it could be an Iron Man or even just a sprint triathlon, I arrive with imposter syndrome. I think, what am I doing here? You know, what right have I got to do this?

You know, I'm pushing my bike along and thinking people are going to look at me and think, what, she's going to take part, that one, you know. So I still don't feel like I have a role. right or belong and that's that's from years and years of going into a gym and thinking people are going to look at me and think what's she doing here and she's not doing that right and you know she doesn't look like she ought to um and i think so many people feel that and you know it quite amuses me the reverse of imposter syndrome which is the you know the billy big

bollocks who rock up with their four yeah and then they're absolutely hopeless um which i kind of wish i had a bit more of their attitude but i don't i i always arrive thinking people are going to be looking at me and thinking what's she doing here um i and i 10 iron man's nine and i still haven't got over that 10 iron man starts yeah but i still haven't got over that um that feeling as i say you know, even going to short events or, you know, short events. God, I would not have imposter syndrome if I was you. Oh, it's weird. I would show up my award.

I know it pinned. Tattooed. Yeah. They do get the tattoo, a lot of the Iron Man. Do they? Probably for that reason. But you see, no, I'd feel embarrassed to have that as well. I'd have people look at me going, what?

She's done an Iron Man, you know. Yeah, it's weird. I hate that you feel like that. But I get it because it's not, it's a bit. massive part of the ethos of the hags because it's not yeah it's like we don't have a view of we don't we don't actually have the representation a lot of women in sport but certainly not older women in sport you know you imagine i i feel it when i'm i mean i was literally i stopped counting at 30 but i was overtaken by so many people on my run yesterday i was like oh fuck it but you don't we don't really have

the celebration of the slower people doing it of older people of anything that isn't like beefcake we're a waving man, which is annoying. Yeah, and I just don't have that competitive element. I'll be out with my trainer, Cal, and he's like, you know, say, we're on bicycles. You say, okay, we're coming up on one there. You can overtake that. And I come, I don't care about overtaking Cal. But of course, that's his thing is you've got to be better.

You've got to push harder all the time. And I just think, no, just have a nice time, really. Just get out, enjoy it. Enjoy the other people. I mean, there's nothing better than, you know, if you sort of fall into stride, you're not allowed to on a bicycle because it's, there's a thing called drafting where you can benefit from sitting behind the person in front of you. Get an extreme. So, well, if you, well, if you watch the peloton on a push bike races, you know, people are taken along by the group. But anyway, so you're not allowed to do that in Iron Man.

But there was a half Iron Man I did a few years ago. and I remember coming across this girl on the run and she'd sort of stopped and she'd had enough and I was feeling like I'd quite had enough but I still had another six miles or so to go and so I got chatting to her and said come along with me I'm not going very fast and she needed to stop a bit

but she didn't stop completely and she had another lap to do so when I finished I waited for her and saw her. I wasn't going to run another lap I didn't have that in me but you know I think she would have given up because she was on her own

and was feeling very bleak about it and when I said to look I'm really struggling too let's struggle together for a while that's so lovely well it's nice to yes I couldn't have given a damn about my time but I just wanted to help her get through I wouldn't you be annoyed if you were an ape

and you were like that's my potential like looking at Mark Zuckerberg and a little polar neck with what was money could have been that sitting on his iPhone but no I've got to sit in the wild and just eat bananas and scratch my bum and be cold

and pick others other apes I love that I'd love that life that sounds wonderful you'd rather be an ape I bet they have less problems how they've got so many problems

they live in trees when it rains you get wet when it's cold you get cold they can't just have a burger they just have to eat the same stuff all the time they can't have a pan of raisin They don't know what a burger is so they care They can't have fucking pistachio

Madelins or whatever it is that you like to eat They can't wear lovely and other stories jumpers Or nice middy skirts But life is just so much simpler Honestly I think there's something to be A dog I'd like to be a dog

You'd like to be an ape I'd like to be an ape I'd like to be an ape I just think life is so much simpler Like, would you like me to watch your shitting? Would you like to be naked all the time? You, Al, you would be an ape. But I wouldn't know any different.

I wouldn't know. You'd be sitting there naked and shitting and picking out your own... You can't flee into an ape now. That's not going to work. But as long as I never existed as a human, I would like to be an ape. But that's not an option. I would prefer to be an ape than a human. You'd prefer to be an ape than a human.

100%. I don't think... I bet mental health isn't a problem. I don't think we've, I bet you it is, but I don't think we've tapped into enough of what brings you joy. I think we need to work on making your life more joyful.

Did you think? Yes. Do I sound sad? Oh, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You'd rather be an ape. How bad is your life that you'd rather be an ape? Oh, okay, now I feel sad. I'd rather be an ape.

Would you? Thank you. Right? Are you guys okay? You can't go to Nando's. Or Gales? But you wouldn't know. Gales

Or Pratt Oh I would struggle You're not gonna have a fucking oat milk hot chocolate Daisy as an ape Banana and you'd love it You eat the grass Well you're gonna use a neutral bullet In your palms

You get to pimple pop all day You can do that as a human No you can't Yes you can also You can make a banana milkshake as a human All the things you can do as an ape You can do as a human There's too much choice

There's too many avenues There's too much to do And decisions to make But I love all the things that we get to do As a Cuban Oh my God You couldn't go to the aquarium As an ape

You couldn't go to a water park You can't go to you can't go to Tenerife Like you can't do any other cool stuff I love being a human Like you can't talk We need a poll on the Instagram Would you rather be an ape or a human I'm actually intrigued by this

Because it's very clear to me They're human so great I actually don't know what they face in the world though I don't know like what dangers they face if they're prey at all I don't know maybe I'm Don't you just love being a human though

Like there are so many great things Yeah Like you can You can text your mum and like Face timer and stuff You can't do that as an ape No because you live with your mum Also your mum will probably die really young

Because they're apes They don't live very long See be orphaned Also you don't get anaesthesia When you have a baby No fucking C-sections That's true No

No Fuck that Yeah Fuck that You can't pump Like that's it Yeah Yeah there's no formula

There's You know You've got to do it One way To do or die Do or fucking die Yeah Yeah

No There's no There's no There's no sleep training For the apes She feels quite strong About this As it

As it transpires I think I do Yeah I'm shaming him too Louis Winkle pickers. No. Pickle winkers.

What are those shoes? I kind of know what you mean. Pinkle wickers. Winkle pickers. It's a winkle picker. Winkle picker. That sounds like someone that's going to go and pick a winkle. You know what I mean?

Winkle picker. Yeah, pick a winkle. Yeah, we're wearing piquers. But like old school one for the buckle. I think people just really do not understand eating disorders. And in particular, anorexia, and I say that myself included, I can understand why people look at me and don't believe me. Like, I get that. But at the same time, because it is, you know, a psychological disorder, mental illness, some say, it, like, fucks with me because then I myself, I was just telling my nutritionist this, who has been with me this whole.

journey. She basically told me like, it is real. So you can't let that influence you. It's something I'm very passionate about because I didn't tell anybody that I was putting that tweet out. My manager, my PR, my team, no one knew that I was tweeting that. And I did it so flippantly because I was just tired. And when I got the diagnosis, it felt very validating. It felt very freeing. I felt like I just wanted to tell everybody because I've spent a decade all around the world talking about my body and loving your body. And so I kind of just thought that if that was happening to me, I would know. You know, I would know. But I had no idea that it could even be a possibility. And I wish that I would have known sooner, which is why I told everybody. But it must be like very freeing and empowering for you

to own the narrative because like you say your body's been you've talked about your body you know publicly for such a long time but you've also had to because it's been talked about so much you know it's been like such a thing that people want to talk about and I just find it absolutely bonkers like listening to you say there that you know people on ticot are making these videos saying that you've to prove it and it's like what like we were in such an odd space with social media that your body is so publicly people have got this like crazy ownership of it that they'd have this conversation without you of course you put that tweet out like you I can completely understand you you want to control the narrative somehow

well I think that the reason people are so invasive I mean obviously social media it lets others feel like they know you in a way. And so therefore they think that if you share things online, that that means that it's theirs now to dissect and pick apart and judge you on. It's a very strange thing because I know that for me and for so many other fat folks that exist on the internet, it just really comes down to fat phobia and the fact that people don't see larger-bodied individuals as worthy of having respect and we're not allowed to take care of

ourselves we're not allowed to suffer we're not allowed to to experience things that they don't feel like we should be allowed to experience like eating disorders like love like intimate partnerships I could just keep going like loving ourselves they don't think that we're deserving of any of that so you know it really comes down to to that and it sucks it sucks that people um you know put their put their hatred of themselves on to everybody else but i feel really grateful like i don't want to be negative um it is a heavy topic but i feel immensely grateful like i never thought my life was going to take the path that it has and for it to be at this chapter in my life It feels really good because I know that it's helping a lot of people.

So it's honestly been a blessing being diagnosed. Yeah, and I do think you're talking about it is so important as well because eating disorders have kind of become synonymous with like a very thin, a very thin young white girl. And that just isn't the case. Like eating disorders don't discriminate. And, you know, reducing it down to that. is it does such a disservice for people living in larger bodies

who struggle with eating. The discharge is to do with your estrogen levels at the time of ovulation. They go up to a point that forces your body to ovulate. And the discharge that you see at the time of ovulation is because you are estrogenized. That is a word. And that's what you see. It's got nothing to the eggs.

The eggs in a different part of your body. You told me that the discharge was the egg. What was the egg? I thought what I thought. thought, but what I thought was like fully true, was that it was like the white of the egg, you know, when you make an egg. And it's just a good. And I was like, oh, my egg. Emma, we don't deserve you on this podcast. You know, these questions, I'm one bit worried. But yeah, let's go. This is someone who's just had a year of it's in a treatment as well. I'm like, ooh.

I just have a kid. Yeah. But you know, managed it. So it's fine. Why do you need to know all this shit? It's fine. Dear Alex M and Daisy, happy birthday. Like what? We did mention it the last show that it was on your birthday. Yeah. Why didn't you tell us that it was on your birthday? Did you find the email?

No. Oh. I was looking for the email. Oh. We're going to support the surprise. We got you a delivery voucher for your birthday. That's so nice. I'm going to get a big tie.

Cool. Oh my God, M, that's so mean. What? What? I feel more embarrassed of the thing I just did. I wish it had been a camera on you Wait Hang on

What do you mean it was mean You just lassoed the air And went I'm gonna get a big tie And I'm mean for laughing Yeah My birthday one I'm sorry

I'm gonna get a tie See it's catchy We're actually The songwriter of our generation Maybe I'm gonna get a big time Really quickly It's a little something she's been working

I'm going to get a big tie Have you seen the camera on her? That's really embarrassing I'm sorry You've got to be last there Please It'd be really cool if she'd come in If she could come in and talk to us

And she did And she was amazing wasn't she We had the best chat with her We did we had the best chat Really enjoyed talking to her And she let us ask her All of our questions Such a weird thing to say

Such a weird thing to say Such a weird I'm sorry, I wasn't preferred. No. Should I delete that is part of the ACAS creator network.