Should I Delete That? - The evolution of Vicky Pattison

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

This week on the pod, Em and Al are joined by the one and only Vicky Pattison! This interview has been a long time coming, and boy, do they cover everything: Geordie Shore, body image, being in the public eye, challenging expectations, egg freezing, success, love and self worth. Vicky’s journey to a happy and healthy life came with huge leaps, many sacrifies, and a whole lot of judgement, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. Her positive energy radiates throughout this episode and it was a joy to have her on the podcast.You can follow Vicky on Instagram @vickypattisonAnd listen to her podcast, The Secret To, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/vicky-pattison-the-secret-to/id1510516160Email us at [e-mail] us @shouldideletethatProduced & Edited by Daisy GrantMusic by Alex Andrew Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can just do everything, can't you? You can adopt all the dogs, and you can do all the body positivity posts and work with as many charities and grow as much and change as much and show your cellulate as much as you want. But to some people, you're just still going to be the girl who had sex on the telly. Hello, and welcome back to To Delete That. I'm Alex Light. And I'm Em Clarkson. How are you now?

I'm Kurt. I'm good. My sister's wedding tomorrow. I'm very excited. Alex, your birthday tomorrow. Top Trumps. Birthday's Trump weddings. You've been here for longer. Happy birthday Eve. It's funny. I put it on Instagram that we were celebrating my birthday last week because my sister's wedding is on my birthday this week. And people are so horrified. I had so many DMs and so many people saying to me like, do you not get on with your sisters? Is there some kind of rivalry, sibling rivalry? And it's not. No.

No, no, no. I wonder if because there are so many of us, birthdays just aren't really that big of a deal in my family. That's the saddest thing I have ever heard in my whole life. Is it? Yes, very. But I'm very pleased that it's not just me that thinks that it's a bit suss. Because when you told me and my sister, we were like,

you fucking what? Your sister's getting married on your birthday. And then you were like, yeah, she just sent the invitations. that's how I found out. She didn't even ask. It's a shock. It shocks me to my call. I know. I wasn't even bothered by it. But I don't know. Now everyone's making me feel like I should be. But to be fair, it is the bank holiday weekend. And it's happened before. I think this is the third wedding that I've been to on my birthday. It's because it's the bank holiday weekend. It always falls like at the right time for weddings. I actually have an unpopular opinion about my weddings on weekends, but I feel like

it's something for a Thursday episode. Not weekends, sorry, wedding from bank holiday weekends. But I feel like that's, that's for another time. It's for another time. Okay. Save it, though, because I want to know. Okay, I won't be popular. But that's the point. You know, you've got to be brave.

You know, this world needs true speakers. I'm remembering this for our next, is it just me? So stay tuned, people. Because I'm not letting this go. Anything good for me. It's a birthday tomorrow. That's good enough for me. Oh, thanks.

And I've always been in the sea. I think that was my good last week too. Oh. I'm just, you know, I'm just fiving. Yeah, it's just, it's just good vibes. Oh, good. Just general good. What about you?

Any specific goods? I had my, I had a spray tan done yesterday for the wedding and I had my nails done. And I was like, oh, no, that can't be my good. And then I was like, no, no, that can be my good because it makes me feel good and I like it. So there you go. That is my good. Actually, you know what?

Fuck it. Fine. I'm going to put a superficial good too. I have a tan. I have a tan for the first time since my bloody honey. me you do yeah i haven't i haven't i haven't seen the sun i haven't even thought about the sun in this whole time you're super tanned yeah thank you i just like and actually weird obviously i've got a baby now so you can't just sunbathe um so i've literally just picked this up on the move and i i'm

fucking chuffed if i'm honest i'm fucking chaffed because i don't like it goes any more gorgeous bad anything bad bad um my bad originates from ticot as usual so i this video just randomly popped up was like do you let your dog kiss you on the lips yes you do if so you're probably going to have your limbs amputated right now i don't actively let betty kiss me on the lips probably i don't actively let betty kiss me on the lips but she likes like all she wants in the world is to kiss me on the lips right so i'm constantly fighting her off like please i call her licking linda i'm like no no no please betty don't do this i don't want to lose my arms and legs Please, please.

Well, now the stakes are much higher. So I'm constantly fighting her off, but she still tries. Licky Linda's at it all the time. And sometimes she catches me unawares, and she gets me on the lips. And now, every time she does it, I see a limb flash before my eyes. Oh, great. I'm probably going to lose my arm now. Thanks, Betty.

Yeah. Fuck sake. Probably. Probably. I don't, I did, I watched the video. I didn't even understand it, but it's like, it's back. that gets into your limbs and you get gangrene and I was like fuck what betty so you don't have had you don't understand I don't even like you anyway so yeah that's that's that's that's that's my bad I keep learning someone tick up that's freaking freaking me out and then someone else was like oh this is the number

one worst thing you can do for your stomach and your gut so I was like oh here you go some good advice to follow and it was like um no it's not drinking diet coke or it's It's not doing, I don't know, like eating junk food or anything like this. It's getting food poisoning. So I was like, oh, okay, so you name the one thing that's out of our control. Good advice, internet. I have no choice. Like, I can't stop myself from getting food poisoning.

Really, if I'm going to get food poisoning, I'm going to get food poisoning. So, like, I don't know. Sorry, this is probably a Thursday rant, but like, I just feel like, I just feel like TikTok's freaking me out about stuff that I can't control. Yeah, they've put you on. Okay. Anyway, what's your bad? I'm hyped up now. Bring me back down. My bad is. I don't if you remember last week, I said, everybody here's sick and it's like playing Russian roulette and I'm just sitting at the table waiting for me to get sick. Well, it fucking came. Not only did I get sick out, I got COVID. And I didn't know it was COVID

Because everyone else was a bit ill I was ill And I said to Alex I was like this is this feels like COVID and he was like Probably the air conditioning Minimilla no way We're not going out anywhere

Everyone that I've been with I've been with anyway So I was like well Well This was like last week I was like okay well It's just what it is And then

Out of nowhere I think I did a poo And I was like That's weird It doesn't smell Oh you're joking You've lost to smell Yeah

And then I had Olo sitting on me and Alex came over and he was like whoa she's done a poo and I was like no she's not I can't smell anything it's like oh my god and then I got in a massive this happened last time I got COVID too lost my smell which has been a bit gutting anyway I'm getting whiffs back again I saw somebody I saw a cigarette yesterday I was like oh my god so it's on the way back but I haven't been very well yeah I can taste a bit but like only a bit it's not the same it's okay it's not the same no I'm putting a lot of lemon on everything I hate losing smelling smell and taste. It's horrible. Yeah, I think I'm definitely better now. It's been like,

I think it's been a week. I think last time I spoke to you, I was starting to not feel well, and that was eight days ago. So I'm definitely better. But it was rough. That's such bad timing as well. Like that's such a waste, a waste of holiday. Well, I did think better to get it in August when it's not so bad. It's not great when you're away, but also any parent listening, this would have been bad if I hadn't got COVID, holiday with kids. That's not the bad. But like, it's, just it's very different and I think it's been like 40 degree heat I've had COVID and I've had a baby here trying to keep her safe and shaded in 40 degrees and it's been intense like it's just it's been intense so maybe yeah I could have done without COVID but then I just thought I was like well it's drug city anyway so I might as well get it out the way and then at least when I get home I've done my COVID so I should have some immunity for a while yeah I mean you've kind of killed three birds with one stone yeah and I don't want to sound like I'm moaning about the holiday because it's been amazing and I feel so grateful that we've been here. It's just very different speed holidaying with a small child. A hot weather with a small child. But I can swing us back around with some awkward with the best

awkward. This is the most awkward thing that's ever happened ever in the history of awkwardness. Oh my God, I'm excited. This is not mine. I have borrowed this, right, from somebody that we're away with. Now, she has given me permission. I said, I'll keep you anonymous and she said, fuck it, you can name me. So I'm here with one of the most beautiful people I've ever known in my life. She's called Alina, and she's a model. A fully, like, professional is what she does for a job model, right? And so you look at her and you just think, you've got your shit together because you're beautiful. And that's how society is conditioned just to think.

Beautiful people don't do awkward things, right? Right? Wrong. Wrong. So they went, the kids went, the youths went. The younger people here, not me, because I've got COVID and I'm an adult with a baby. Different kind of adult. They're adults.

I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a different breed of adult now, okay, so they went on their night out. Now, poor Alina has had, they've all had, they've all had jippy tummies, but Alina specifically has had a bad tummy. Now, she went on a night out, she was clubbing, she ran to the bathroom, because she's got the squits, she runs to the bathroom, she sits down on the cubicle. Oh no. The bathroom attendant comes running in, going, no, no, no, No, like, upon, whatever, get out. Stop. And Alina is literally mid-poo.

And she's like, what? And the woman's like, you can't, and the bath return said, you can't do that here. Get out. In front of everyone. So she had to stop pooing. Oh, my God. And walk past every single person in the queue who were all looking at her going.

ew, she was pooing. And then she was off to go back into the nightclub. How did she know, how did the toilet teller know she was pooing? I don't know. I must have had that look about her, but... Oh my God, die. Oh my God, that's horrendous. What do you mean you can't do that here?

It's a toilet, like, it's a human, like we can't really control that bodily function. What do you mean you can't do it here? If you can't do it here, where can you do it? I know. Oh, my God. I know. Me, not. Don't.

Outer. It's just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did she leave after that? I didn't even ask, you know. I mean, I assume she left eventually, but yeah. She said the worst part was the walk of shame back past everybody in the queue because they were literally going, ew. Ew.

Oh, my God. That's so mortifying. Oh, poor girl. That's fucking awful. Oh, you know. It's the worst thing I've ever heard. Literally, the worst awkward. Oh, God.

Makes my awkward not look so awkward anymore. Oh, good. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you. I feel quite good about myself now. I did a talk for a company. I did a talk for a company in person and I had slides, like a real, like the profession

that I am. But it's the first time that I've done a talk with slides like in person. So I don't know how the whole thing works anyway. everyone's in the room I'm not good at numbers but I reckon like 25 people and we're in a fairly small room like there isn't any space between me standing at the front and like the people next to me they're right there and then there's a big projector behind me where my slides are going and the woman brought the they were struggling to find the adapter so we were running late for my computer anyway they came and they plugged I plugged my computer in and it flashed straight up onto the onto the projector it's not as bad as it could have been but it was my my Spotify was on there and obviously like so my playlist is called misery too and it's the playlist the playlist title comes up so big as misery too and I was like if it was if this was like if this was like a podcast live show people get like they know I'm a bit weird like I'm just a bit sad I guess that's the word like weird and sad and like they just get it I don't know

these people don't get it so I was like oh god get it off get it off get it off I was like something the talk was about like positivity and yeah exactly of course yeah I was like oh ha ha ha I like sad music and they were like oh oh yeah that's so fucking weird misery too as well I always love that playlist name it's like it wasn't enough just to have some misery

it's like misery the sequel literally that's what happened me and my mate started misery and then he started adding things to it that I deemed not miserable enough so I started misery too for myself. So it's as sad as it sounds. Yeah, try explaining that to the positivity panel. Oh, awkward.

Right. We have a great guest this week. We have the one and only Vicki Pattinson, who we've wanted to talk to for some time and we were so happy to make this happen. We covered so much ground in this, didn't we? Fertility, Geordie Shaw, being in the public eye.

Body image, getting out of your box, like the way that people view you and changing that and the way that your self-worth is tied up with how people perceive you. And it was just literally the best conversation with the best bubbly human being ever. I know we all want to be like her mate now, like proper mate, you know, but. I mean, her and Arlo took some pretty iconic selfies together. So I felt like I've got a good in there. Just saying. You do. Yeah, yeah, that was really cute. I was really cute. I will pawn my baby out for friends. No problem. Absolutely. I bet she'd like Betty. I could pour on Betty out.

No, she won't. Not now she knows that Licky Linda could have her arms and like... Licky Linda. Oh, I love that. Well, without further ado, here is Vicky. Enjoy. Vicki. Hi. Hello. Oh, my God, I'm so happy to have you in here. I'm so excited. The feeling is completely mutual, guys. I always get really overwhelmed when I come and do somebody's podcast and they have like a semi-professional

professional setup because I'm just in my walking wardrobe on my front room doing my, you know, because I can't get loads of hours to myself. So yeah, so when I come somewhere like this, I'm almost a bit like nervous. It does feel bad professional, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I literally just changed a napet on the carpet on the floor, if that helps. You've actually humanised this entire experience for me. We've got a lot to cover. We've got loads of time though, babes. I have no hard out. That's great. Yeah. She should be here like tomorrow morning, like, I didn't mean it. Let me go. I don't know where to start but we'd love to talk to you about body image

especially because that's how we connected online through body image and I just loved your stuff oh thank you thanks she used to love it she loved it and now she's taking a funny turn it always does I'm still a firm fan no you don't but you talk a lot about body image on your page don't you and you try to like keep it real I guess for lack of a better term and try and show like the more reality side with the more like polished side,

which your followers really love, don't they? They really like it. I think they like the relatability of it. And it seems to me, not putting words in your mouth, but it seems to me like you're in a good place now with your body image. Yeah, no, I think you're pretty right. And if you look at the people who are following as like, I know it's 98% women or something. I feel sorry for that 2% of bloke so I'm just hoping to get a picture of us in the bikini twice a year sorry fellas

but yeah the majority of women who follow me like I'm assuming have I that followed me since my days on Jodie Shaw or found me when I went in the jungle or you know being introduced to me via social media via a pal whatever

they're mams or they're women in the 30s they're going or they're busy or they themselves are struggling with body image they're my people You know? So I think they just get it. So I think that's why it resonates so much. Because I think no matter how much we try and hide it, like as women, we all sort of struggle with what we see in the mirror at times, you know, no matter how perfectly you might think a woman's body is

or how together you think their life is, like we're all just like ducks and where feet are all just going like that under the surface, like desperate to stay afloat. So yeah, I think that's why I do it. I felt like it's just kind of universal. We're all dealing with something, aren't we? So, yeah. I think as well, like, a lot of the people who did what you did, like, we've really grown up with you. And, like, so many people have seen you through so much.

Like, I'd say, like, when we, 2011 at Jordy Shaw started? Yeah, so we, I think it's something like 13-year thing. Wow. Wow. Because it's your whole 20s, right? Oh, yeah, me, whole 20s. I think I started when I was something like 22 and left when I was something. like 28th, so essentially, yeah, a full decade.

And it was also that really nice decade where you are fucking cripplingly insecure anyway and like have no clue what you're doing and want to act like you have it all figured out but don't and are so like just in your own head anyway. So yeah, it was me 20s. So doing that but also doing it in the public eye was a wild ride.

Yeah. What was that like for your body image? Like seeing yourself through, I guess like the kind country's eyes like. So it was like it's hard because I think it would be really easy for me to be like, oh, I have had issues in a complicated relationship with my body because I was on TV when I was 22. That would be such an easy thing for me to say. But it's actually so not true. Like I, yes, the platform I was given through the show I did clearly exacerbated existing issues with my body. Yeah. But I can remember not like my body when I was 12 years old, you know? I can remember playing it. in the school playground and some girl telling me I couldn't be Baby Spice because she wore a crop top

and I couldn't wear a crop top because I had a big belly. Really? Yeah, I know, I mean, twig bitch. I mean, that was... She'd learned that somewhere. Yeah, you know? She didn't make that hope.

Little 10-year-old girls. So what I'm saying is like, yes, I found being in the public eye that transition from just like being a nice normal person, I found that attack... Everyone having an opinion about my body quite hard. But I'd been saying those things to myself that Dave from Wolverhampton was saying to me on Twitter.

I'd been saying that for 10 years, so it was nothing new. But that's almost harder in my opinion. All the trolling that I experienced at a young age, the ones that hurt the most are the ones that... You tell yourself. You tell yourself. And that's, for me, still, the ones that, like, 10 years on, I can't unlearn.

I can't unhear them because it's, like, that confirmation bias, isn't it? Yeah, of course. And, like, we're always going to be what harsh is critic. and when my inner critic really gets like on one like for example I think I did a post recently it was Sunday night and like I know I've been enjoying myself recently over the last couple months it's been the summer I've been on holidays I've been to baby showers

I've had weekends with my mates and I think because I was tired and driving back from Newcastle and feeling a little bit vulnerable anyway like it just it was louder than ever my inner critic and you know like someone can say something to me on social media and I can obsess over it. Like, that's who I am. I'm neurotic. I'm sensitive. But when my inner critic sense is weakness and gets going, like, that's just me. I'm done. Complete downward spiral. And it can be anything, you know, unless it's like, it is a lot to do with

body image always. At the end of the day, I'm human, I'm female. But it can be being a bad dog mom. Or it can be, I haven't worked hard enough or I've not got enough money or so-and-so's more successful than you. Like, it can, do you know what, I can even work myself up. I'm going to end up with no teeth. I can work myself up over anything. Where will they go? We are so on the same page. I can work myself up to anything. Anything. Even the most ridiculous

things, Al. So, yeah, so we are, we're harshest critics. And, like, things that people say can be cruel and callous, and they can definitely plant seeds of evil. But I think it's ultimately down to us.

Like, you know, how far we take that. Whether we just go, you know, you're hurting like Barry from Wolverhampton you know you're hurting that's a lot of

people in Wolverhampton need a lot of help I feel like Wolverham are getting a really bad let's change it and Sarah from Barnsley she's getting

pot on blast now yeah Sarah from Barns like I feel like maybe you're projecting you need you need healing you're not having a good day

like that's you but it's like all we can go you know what she's right and it's down to us like life is 10% what happens to you 90% how we deal with it. And I am ultimately really guilty of taking these throwaway comments

from complete strangers and fucking making them be my truth by full identity, you know, which is terrible. And I'm working on it. Oh, I'm human again. Yeah. And I mean, I imagine that has been like longstanding work. Yeah. Full journey. Because also like in 2011, like I can't really remember, but it was not a nice time like in the press, in the tabloids on Twitter. People weren't pleasant about people, especially on reality TV shows, right? Yeah. So fortunately, we didn't have some of the tragedy that we've had now, you know? Like there's been terrible losses of gorgeous, beautiful life, you know, which we can't

get away from, you know, because people were putting the public eye, because people didn't know how to act, because they didn't have the right help, all the rest of it. But also as well, like, I think people just, we weren't as aware as aware. of the ramifications on people's mental health, we weren't doing better, you know? And, like, I love that there's been huge progression in that space, you know? Influencers like yourself,

magazines have learned. Like, I think there's been huge progression and leaps in the right direction, you know? But, yeah, mate, back then, like, social media, because it was pretty much just Twitter, was wild west. The press was so toxic and problematic. Like, I know you've spoke about this before,

so I'm like preaching at the quiet, yeah. Blastas, man, just remember like red rings of shame? The hoop of horror. Hoop of horror. Holy shit. Yep. It's pivotal as well. Like, if I think back to so much of my own insecurities, I can see, like, I swear it's

like corny cocked or something. It was just, bless her, like skin and bones. Yeah. And her little like skin rolls. Yeah. I can see the exact photo. She was, she's on a beach in a bikini. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's leaning forward. And it's just skin. And it's literally skin. It's like the skin had to go somewhere. Heaven forbid your body moves, man. I know. I remember feeling like a seal when I looked at that. I was like, oh my God, I wouldn't even roll.

Like, I'm just dense. I was crushing. It was crushing. So horrendous. That does shape, that did shape, like, so much of how we see ourselves now. Like, you can't, you can't, you? But it was, like, sweating. Like, it was sweat patches were...

And anything, absolutely anything. Unwanted hair. Yeah. You still love to circle the old armpit. Yeah. Jesus. Or, like, a toe. I would just be all red.

In the right place in the heel. Do you remember? Like, like, toe poking out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. But seeing that stuff makes you feel like,

about that stuff as well. Not only on other people, but on yourself. So it's so weird. You just couldn't do, no, could you do it? No, no. That is about how it felt. But that's, I mean, we're looking, we're talking about that as consumers.

Yeah. But you're like, you're on the other side of it. Like, you were being hooped. Yeah, I was being hooped. I mean, there's a couple things, right? So one is. Geordie Shaw was known for being super controversial, super wild, super toxic

right? So, can't crash telly, you know? So I feel like seeing us fall out of a club on a Saturday night and the Bain Paths was not news. Nobody really gave a shit. We avoided the hoops quite a lot. I mean, also like everyone had seen we're doing far worse on the telly.

So why we're going to hoop her sweat pat when we've seen I get fingered? Sorry, everyone. You know what I mean? No, that is such a good point because like they always chose people who were, who were, I guess, like, really, like, elusive and always, like, perfect.

Always, they want to catch you out. Glam and gorgeous, yeah? That's the most, that's the most, like, satisfying one. Yeah. Yeah, that's such a good point. I never thought about that, yeah. So, I mean, if you were made in Chelsea or if you were, like, the only way is Essex, whatever,

and you were glam and gorgeous and put together all the time, like, I do believe they hunted you for those hoops, you know? You know? But if you were sort of us, it was kind of a bit more like, actually has added again. It's not newsworthy. But that's the press. And I definitely saw a change in that when I rebranded myself, when I turned myself around when I got older, when I became more put together, less falling out of nightclubs. Like, I definitely, you know, they had a desire to trip was up then.

But no, the social media, that's different. That's always been savage, hasn't it? Savage. Twitter was a very hateful space. How was it when you did the jungle? Because I always think that you didn't have phones. You don't know what the reaction is to anything that you're doing. So how was it coming, I guess, like coming out of it? So when I was in there, I remember being like in this little bubble

and having the nicest time because I'm a huge fan of the show. I was absolutely buzzing to be there. I couldn't believe me luck. Like, you know, I knew I was probably going to be quite divisive in terms of a camp mate. But like I couldn't see it. I couldn't see what people were saying about us. People loved you, though.

Well, not instantly. Oh, really? I know. So I remember my mom telling us, and a couple of other people telling us for that matter, that when I went in, Twitter just kicked off. Like, get her out of there. Really?

We don't want her in there. What's she doing? She's going to ruin it. And I understand wholeheartedly that people are protective of the, of the, of somebody to get me out of here. It's a British institution. It's something you look forward to watching all year round. I don't deck of class.

Listen, I get it. I don't. I don't make any sense. what did you think I was going to do? Like, what is there? Like, drink her yagab on and punch a kangaroo. Like, it's not that sure. It's not that sure.

So I did, luckily for me, I didn't see all that, you know? Yeah. But within 24 hours, I was the favourite to win. Yeah. And I remained that way until the end. Like, I think I did myself a favour, but I also think, like, hopefully I did the preconceived notions of people from reality TV a favour, you know?

Like, let's open our eyes. just because we're in on a show called like Jordie Shaw where the spaces like drinking and partying and shouting doesn't mean that's all I do. Yeah. You know, just similarly the same as if someone from Essex like they don't just eat jelly deals and get for jazzles. Like, you know what's on my mind's a bit?

So I think it was nice to feel like I'd changed some misconceptions about yourself but maybe of others. Yeah. Like you humanised yourself, which I think is really important because I think particularly like during that, the hoop of hit horror era and it's the way that celebrity's always been but particularly I think like there was a vulnerability to I'd say definitely the Geordie Shawcast because I don't know how I feel about and the more reality TV goes on the harder I find to just find

justifications because I just think the amount of alcohol that was consumed I just think oh yeah completely there wouldn't be allowed to make it the same today no no it's all that yeah it was taking advantage so I think it was really important that you and it had to change it has to keep changing, but you're humanised and people can actually look at you and be like, oh no, she's actually just a normal person and she's not like... A monster. Yeah, of course you are. Which is what a lot of people assumed I kind of was.

Yeah. It's so interesting, unless it's like, you've just triggered my memory. I remember because me and Fern were in there, weren't we? And we're just like nice normal girls, I think, in terms of body shape. Like, Fern's gorgeous. I'll always think she is. But, like, in terms of body shape, like, we have lumps and bumps and bits that everybody has. and it wasn't until I was out that my agent told me

they had in the press lined up pictures from mine and her like calendars for example where back in the day I don't really love a lot of editing airbrushing now big campaigns you can't get away from it you get a bit it's glossy that's what it's meant to be but back in the day you used to get airbrushed to death it was just how things were done mate

like literally like I'm not advocating I'm just saying and they'd put images of like me and Fern in the jungle screenshot from like the telly I remember this Yeah, next to what airbrushed calendar images and being like... I don't know. Oh, my God.

I'm on the fucking jelly to like 40 million people every night and I think I know that they can say the real me. Like, I wasn't... Exactly, you're not catching me out here. I'm not catching it. I'm on the jelly mix. Yeah. Also, who cares?

The press also note, this is what really annoys me about the British press particularly. They know you didn't edit it. Yeah. Like, obviously you weren't sitting there being like, they'll never know. They're not going to know. They're coming up.

But hold a bit of accountability, babe. I've seen those pictures and I was like, yes, I look, fucking wicked, send them out. Because, you know, I knew, but it was what people were doing then. Now, of course, I've been like, oh, my God, no, that's not me. But this is, you're going back 15 years nearly, you know? So, no, I think it's, yeah, I think Jody Shaw

I escaped a lot of scrutiny from the press because we were just so car crash. And feral, you know. I always say we look like raccoons in the garage and we used to wake up in the morning but it was fine we lent into it and it was representative of life in your 20s a lot of the time drinking too much kissing boys

you shouldn't being a bit reckless but then it was in my 30s post-jungle when I did lean into a more polished a more daytime TV image that they were like oh hang on we can get her full out of an eyed club, yeah, and won't that be a fall from grace? So there was a change then. Yeah, yeah.

I'm obsessed with it, aren't they? Yeah. Catching you. Was it, how was it trying to make that transition from Geordie Shore? And I guess trying to get people to drop that kind of feral raccoon, raccoons in the garage image and, you know, swap it for a more like, like, said, polished and like daytime TV. A lot of it was organic, mate, right? Like, if I'd just done the jungle and gone, all right, well, do not call me Vicky from

Jordan Shore anymore now. I'm Vicky from the jungle. I'm Vicky Patterson. and I'm cutting my hair and I will be only remembered as being a loose woman. Like, you know, if I'd insisted on that,

like it would have been mental. People would have been like, oh, this isn't genuine. It's not real. We're not buying it. But it was slow. So, like, I fought against it a little bit, you know,

because I was like, oh, I don't want to forget where I've come from and I don't want to lose all my mates. So I still did do, you know, a lot of the nightclubs and a lot of the bar hopping and the whatever.

But the image overhaul came because I absolutely had to change who I was like I was unhappy I was on a hiding and nothing I had unhealthy practices in my life

which were making it hard to have healthy relationships it hard for me to like myself you know so I did a number of things like

I removed for myself from situations which I knew didn't bring me peace which is nightclubs and big things like that big parties I cut toxic people

from my life who I only associated with things like party and getting like too drunk and all the rest of it and I looked to be better I got therapy

I mended the relationship with me family like I did all of these things because I myself knew I wanted to be happy in my own skin I want to be content I want to be well also I want to be successful you know and the rebrand and the image

came through that so it was slow and it was kind of like authentic and genuine don't get us wrong babe like there's still some people who absolutely refuse to allow, like, to allow this image of me to change in their head, really. That's what I wanted to ask you about, because, like, the press are one thing, but also we put people in boxes to such an extent that we then won't, we won't redefine them. Yeah. Yeah.

So I will put up a post on Instagram and it'll be like, like, something, you know, like we can really relate, you know, something about, like, advocate and like, love the skin you're in or something just like really, really genuine about, like, not wanting women to be too hard on ourselves and putting too much pressure on. And there'll just be some bloke at the bottom of the page. Like, who's just like, weren't you the slag? I got shagged on the telly.

I'll be like, yes, Dave. Good memory. That is me. In fact, well done. You're going back about 10 fucking years. But yeah, that was me. And I think, I want to answer back.

I want to be mad. I want to say, how dare you be so mad at my growth, at my change, at my evolution that you seek to bring me back down to that level. But then, you know, I think, you know what you're really mad about. Wasn't shagging you? Yeah, he's really mad that I was never shagging you. No, you're really mad that in the last 10 years I've become someone I'm really proud of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're still the same, aren't you? Yeah. You've got to be mad at that because if you're out doing 10Ks or spending a nice time with your mates or having a family or growing or being great and loving your life, you're not saying things like that, the girls are mine. Exactly, exactly. So evidently, you haven't changed and you are still in the past and that's what you're mad about really. It's not me.

So now I do try and just block them and delete them but I think that is what that says you're still wanking in your ma's box room and I'm like having a really nice time with a gorgeous fiancé and lovely dogs and meeting nice people and loving me job so that's what's annoying. 100% because that's the only reason

that someone's happiness or someone's growth triggers someone else it's because they want it for themselves or they don't have that for themselves holds up a mirror doesn't it? That's what they say it holds up a mirror. You're holding up the mirror and you're saying God I've managed to do it And I think a lot of people didn't think I was going to achieve anything, you know.

They just thought I was, and I'm sorry to use that angry man's term because it's so abhorrent, but they just thought I was that slag off the telly. And the fact that I was able to sort of make something of myself has really annoyed some people. But they're in the minority and we shouldn't give them too much airtime because the vast majority of the people are brilliant and brilliant and lovely and happy and like the change and are pleased to just say I've got a nice bloke now or pleased to say like I love my job or pleased to say I'm happy in my own skin, whatever. it is in the same way I would be for others so no these the negative people tend to get a lot of air time

don't they but they are the minority yeah they just shout the loudest don't they yeah yeah and we we hear them the loudest again in a critic or allowing to hear them all right yes yeah I also do think they are an interesting like reflection of where we are though and I think like I find something I find really interesting about like society and social media at the minute it's like we've been saying to everybody for like a decade do better like do you better do better do better And people will listen it to you. And then the minute you do, but you weren't always this good.

Let's remember what you came from. You're like, oh, there's no fucking winning here, is there? Like, it's literally impossible. I'm like, I'm doing fucking better. I'm like, what more can I do? I'm doing what you told me too. Like, I can't, short of like going back to birth

and starting again, this is all you've got. Yeah, you're so right. But then you've got, so there will just be some people who are completely committed to misunderstanding you and not like in you, you know, like there's this saying, and I think it was Lucy Spraggan who told it to me, you can be the best peach on the tree

you can be the juiciest ripest peach and everybody in their right mind wants to eat you because you are the luscious peach like you're fuzzy way you're meant to be fuzzy and plump where you're meant to be plump you're great I'm so soft oh it's so good

and then someone will come along who just doesn't like peaches and there's absolutely nothing you can do there's no point in trying to change that one person's mind like there's just people who are committed to not liking you and not liking peaches and you've got to let them live their life

because otherwise you'll go and see You'll drive yourself insane So yeah I think I'm trying to learn that Because that's like a hard thing For a people please are to learn Is you know Hello to the choir

This is our remit Yeah This is what we live You can just do everything can't you You can adopt all the dogs And you can do all the body positivity posts And work with as many charities And grow as much

And change as much A hundred percent And show your cellulite as much as you want, but some people just to some people you're just still going to be the girl who had sex on the telly. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know, it's such a good point. You can be an absolute saint. You can do all

the good work that you want but people will still be out to hate you. Because they just don't like peaches, babe. But I noticed that with your egg freezing that you did recently and you were sharing it and I saw a lot of the content and I enjoyed it and we chatted because I've done it. I've done it too. I froze embryos as well

and a lot of the people seeing your content were like, thank you so much for like normalising this, sharing about this, talking about future proofing your family and also talking and also showing a glimpse of what people who do IVF, you know, with the view of actually getting pregnant, have to go through. But you got so much shit for it as well. I just feel like you kind of do right for doing wrong, can you? Like, you're always going to get shit and you're, like, no matter what it is. So you may as well just post the content

you like, you know, but I was not my usual self then. And you can. a test to this because you've obviously been through it and like, God, you've got a baby. You know what hormones are like, mate. Jesus. Almost so intense. So intense. Like, and as well, when they've left your body afterwards, you're just like, fuck. Wait, that was what? Who was that? Yeah, who was that? She was crazy. She was crazy. Yeah, so, like, so it. But at the time, I was like, pumped. So I don't know what your process was like, but obviously I'm not a medical

professional, so bear with me. But my eggs weren't egging like they were supposed to. Same. Yeah, after about halfway through. And they have so many, like, amazing things they can do to help them get to where they need to, but it's predominantly just, right, let's up the hormones, isn't it? And luckily, my eggs eventually responded to the influx of hormones,

but they weren't initially. So after I think about sort of, like, day seven, they were like, we're just going to have to increase your hormones, which is so normal and so fine. But I was all, I'm already fucking unhinged glasses. Like, I'm already hormonal is out. Like, old man sitting on a bench, I'll cry. What is it about old men?

Every time old men are on their own, I cry. And old women, I can't bear that either. No, see, this is what stresses me out about myself. I think I'm a misogynist because I'm which I'm going to see an old woman. I think you're fine and I see an old man and I'm like, can give you a hug. It's because I think I know the most of the men in my life have been absolutely useless. Yes, you want to take care of. So I'm like, I'm looking after you, babes.

I mean, maybe we're okay, I give us, maybe we're not misogynists. It's a nice spin on that. Yeah, there you guys. We're pathetic. But I know I, so I'm quite emotional. Anyway, and then with the initial hormones, I was just about keeping my head above water. And then when I got the influx,

I was like, welcome to Thunderdome, bitches. Because I lost it. And I couldn't, I'm going to get a bit upset, so sorry, I couldn't deal with the things people were saying it was anymore. Yeah. And I was like, I thought I was doing the right thing by showing girls,

there's more than one way to get what you want out with, you know like from the idea that we're pumped full of this like fairy tale that from very young age you'll meet your person and you'll fall in love with them and everything else will just be dead easy like that's not true it's not real and it's also it's so problematic it's not fair so i thought you know show this other side that actually you can focus on your career and have a really nice time and not find the man who makes you really happy until later and not figure out exactly one and still be okay. I thought that was responsible and strong

and I thought it was a good message but just irritated some people so much and on a good day I could probably say maybe it's because they didn't have this option. Maybe they're angry, maybe they're mad. I can say that now. But at the time when I was so full of somebody else's fucking hormones

of these synthetic things raging through my body and I was scared and I was nervous and I was in pain and uncomfortable and all these things like I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I just got upset. So I had to take a real break from it all. And it was only like four days or something I took off social media. But it was enough to protect me peace. Because like I was just going through quite a hard time and people were just saying such cruel things and I wasn't prepared for it. I was vulnerable and I was fragile and I wasn't prepared for people to be dicks, man.

Yeah. They really were as well. Like I read some of your comment. I replied to some of them because I was just like, fuck you. I was so mad. Like, fuck off. You're so annoying. But they were horrible. And you're right, when you're in such a vulnerable,

fragile state, this isn't me jumping in to be like, oh, I had the same experience. But I had a similar experience, didn't I? Because I shared my first round of freezing. I did two rounds

because my eggs weren't egging and also I didn't have many eggs to begin with. So I needed to do two rounds to get like a good amount of eggs. RIP, your bank balance, by the way. RIP, my bank balance. Fucking hell. I found for a cheques.

Literally. More bloody expenses than that, I swear. And I was sharing it and I felt the same as you being like, I'm with the same age. I was like, you know, I'm showing that there isn't just one route to go down and like I think this is just quite interesting

and quite good to show that there's just, there's options and stuff. And people were so, I got a few messages and I was the same, I couldn't handle it. I went off grid for a while and I was like, I did the second round, I didn't say a word. word about what I was doing. I was like, I'm never sharing anything about this again because

it's clearly such a, it's such an emotional, triggering topic. Yeah. And people who, you know, and it's a privilege, isn't it? Like, that we can afford to do it. It's a huge privilege. And I, you know, there's only so many times you can say that. And it's like, it doesn't actually matter anymore. How much you acknowledge that privilege. It doesn't matter. It's still going to trigger people. So, yeah, I felt for you. It really did. It was horrible. Thank you. And thank you for having me back. I was like, I came off, like I say social media and I was like, you know what I'm, and you know, it coincided with Erkan being on a stag too

and I feel like this was just like everything coming at once and I had the dogs on my own and Erkan was in Budapest on a beer truck and I was like miserable and I was like I just felt like I needed a break to protect me peace so I did, I took that break and then on the Friday night right I remember sitting, staying at my phone

and like having just done me injection and feeling like now is the time where I normally go and post about it and I'm not going to when I sat there and I just scroll I just was on my phone like it's like I'm a bit addicted to my phone it's not healthy I know that I was on it and I was looking and this one last messaged me and like if she's listening to this if she ever finds this out like how integral what she said to me like was like she said I'm going through egg freezing at exactly the same time as you and none of my friends get it like They all have felt really ready to have children

and they're in a different head space and I felt really alone. And every night I'd come on here and I'd say that I'd say you've done your injections and I felt like we're doing them together. Oh, that's so nice. And I felt like I wasn't on my own.

She felt, I was like, and I'm sorry that some people that were scared you off, she went but just know that you were helping some people. Like, that just took us a couple. You know, it was so lovely that one bit of kindness. And I thought, you know, Vicky, like, you're not weak.

You're not the type of person who allows people to scare you off from doing something that you know is right. And, you know, this isn't who you are. Like, and I spent a couple of days getting my head around that and just saying, like, this is just temporary, it's just the hormones. And then I came back. And I was like, I bet you thought I was all gone. Yeah.

But you thought you'd scared me off. Well, it was temporary. I'm not a weak bitch. Like, you just played on my, played on the position. I was in, you know, but I'm back because I know I'm helping people, so yeah, like, it was a weird time, mate, and I chose

to open myself up to that scrutiny because I thought what I was doing was right, but, and you know, if I had to do it, the chance to do it again, I'd do it exactly the same way, mate. Yeah, yeah. I would like to think I wouldn't fucking be scared off by them again and allow them to get into my head so much that I stopped sharing. It's, like,

it's the most vulnerable, like, of course they do. It's so cruel. I remember, like, I remember someone writing something when I, before I even announced I was pregnant, but it was announced somewhere else that I was pregnant. Someone guessed that I was pregnant. And somebody wrote this message and she won't remember it and she wrote this long thing. And I've got a scream grads on my phone. It was probably the worst thing I've ever read about myself about what shit mother I'd be. And how, and she wrote this massive thing about what a shit mother I'd be.

And it stuck with me. It sticks with you. Because if someone gets you at the wrong time. Oh, yeah. And you don't realize. And I don't understand the possession that people have They're your fucking eggs. Like, they're your fucking eggs. Who cares? I know. Do what you want. Do what you want.

It's your money. Do what you fucking want. Your money, your life. Yeah, and it's like, people are so protective over these children that you don't have yet. The dawn existed. That don't exist yet, you know? And it's like, it's such, it's so cruel. And I can't, you know, like, as much as we're like, oh, don't give air to the trolls.

Don't get fit. It's like, no, this is properly cruel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can't justify, like, imagine, imagine, imagine commenting. Like, you see that Al's doing eggs. Like, Al, Al, you see that Vicky's doing it. comment him and like, should be doing it. Like, what? Like, it's deranged. It's deranged. It's so cruel. It is insane. Like, I still haven't worked out why it, like, elicits the reaction it does.

Like, I get it's deeply personal. I get for some people it's hard and triggering and all the rest of it. And I understand all of that. But this is the thing is, because obviously when someone insults you and someone hurts you and someone really, you go on their profile, don't it? You can't help yourself. You're like, I just need to know what I'm not case I'm dealing with. So I always go, And it's always this woman sitting there with kids. And I'm like, babes, what the fuck? What? Like, if somebody spoke to your daughter like that, which I can see you've got, like, would you, would you be okay with that?

Because I swear to God, like, I'd go to war if someone's spoken to my daughter like that. So I just, I don't, I don't get it. No. One person said to me, just accept it. God doesn't want you to have children. Someone said that to me, but playing God, you're playing God. What's God got to do with it, babe? It's a fucking horrible thing to say.

It's a fucking horrible thing to say. mental thing to say. Mental. Like, it actually makes me shake. Like, how dare they? I know. It's so infuriating. Yeah.

I just don't understand this, like, fucking obsession that, and it's women doing it to other women. And it's like, it's like our Achilles heel as well. Like, this is something that is so raw and so painful. So why fucking jab at it?

No, I know. Like, it's so mean. Oh. The good thing is, like, that girl who messaged you and all the other people that will have found comfort in seeing what you did. Because I did as well, like, again, with the same age, and I haven't ever felt this hugely maternal instinct.

All my mates have had friends. Had friends. That's nice. How sweet. All of my mates have had children. I'm basically, you know, and I felt like rather than doing this, should we be trying to have children instead, and it made me feel like, oh, am I a bit weird,

or like, you know, like, what's kind of wrong with me? Are you kidding with this real spiral, don't you? Totally. And so it brings so much comfort to see someone in a, similar position to you. And that will have meant more to all of those people than the people who are triggered and just fancy sending you like a shitty message. That will have meant way more. So it will have been definitely worth it, you sharing. And you got some good eggs, right? I did. I got some good eggs. Oh my gosh. It's been like two months since I've talked about

this. Let's get me numbers right. So we managed to take, they managed to get 12. Wow. Yeah. And out of 12, 10 were viable, 9-1 mature. Oh, my God. Amazing. We took, we throws, right, nine out of nine. Yeah. We froze three eggs. Yeah. It's just basically mine. Yeah.

Because obviously I love Urcan. Yeah. He's great. Yeah, of course. But he's 29 and we've been together four years. And the thought that I would put my body through all of this and, you know, in three years time, he runs off with a 21-year-old petition from Brentwood High Street. So it's specific, but I'm likely.

I feel like I definitely have. some issues but you know like I feel like the thought that he would do that and then I will be left yeah

with his with his embryos and not no I don't know like no does it do them as mental so basically if freezing eggs

was my plan B then my freezing emberrose is me plan B freezing eggs is me plan C it's me back up back got it so we freeze it

and then the six we tried to fertilise and out with them three were fertilised that's great so three eggs three embryos six

potential babies in the freezer that's great yeah I'm really happy really good really happy and like you know what when I like you're so right when I started talking about it I found it so many people who've been through similar things and not disgust it even my own mates yeah my own mates who

I've had the same group of pals since I was like 15 years old mate like some of them on my cousin some of my sister like they've obviously been since birth but the rest of them are school friends like were closest out and they still didn't feel like we could talk to our group about that and that to me just cemented in my head

that we do need more honest discourse around this regardless of fucking other people's opinions like you can be as nasty as you want to me I'm fine but I'm going to continue to talk about this I'm going to continue to do interviews I'm going to continue to do press I'm going to continue to say that there's more than one way

to be happy or have a family or whatever because I know that we're doing myself as women are disservice by not being honest about our experiences because we're feeling like ashamed or something or we're afraid. I don't know what it is, but yeah, I realize there's a need. I know there's this thing around fertility.

We feel such shame around it. And not being, like, not being ready to do the thing that you're convinced you put on earth to do. Right. Makes you feel guilty. Yeah. Makes you feel like you're less of a woman in some way. Yeah.

Honestly, mate, the guilt I felt about freezing me eggs. About not being ready to be a mom was like horrendous. And then when you eventually get, brave enough to do it when you eventually save up to do it when you event all these things people can just still make you feel this big and it's it's just so cruel and problematic and we need better education around yeah because it does feel like you're going against the grain yeah doesn't it you're not fulfilling like a purpose or like just as something like defective i guess like you feel like there's something wrong with you yeah yeah if you don't want to be a mom you feel like

there's something wrong, were you? Yeah. And where did we learn that? I know, I know. Because my mom tells me all the time. It's not from me, ma'am, because my mom says to me all the time, if you don't want to have kids,

figure, that's absolutely fine. I'll love your dogs just as if they're my own grandchildren. I was like, well, good thing, because the fucking are, Caron. Yeah. She wasn't my, ma'am, where I learnt it. I don't know where we learnt it as women.

No. But put too much pressure on ourselves, man. Yeah, I think it's a lot of societal, like, pressure and conditioning, isn't it? It's just like, if you don't have, If you don't have children, you're selfish or lazy, and then, like, what is your role? We talked about this a few weeks ago about this, like, thing about women being selfish. And it's like one of the, we've actually talked about this quite a lot.

Like, one of the worst things that a woman can be is selfish. And it's such a fascinating thing because it's like, selfish has so many meanings within our society. Like, selfishly, I don't know, if you don't look right, if you don't, if you basically just prioritize yourself and your future and your journey. however that looks, it's selfish and it's not okay. And it's like, who? Like, according to who? Who decided what selfish was? It's nuts.

But we still kind of, objectively, you could probably sit all your followers down and have this conversation and be like, yeah, yeah, women should do what they want. But then when it's like you're just doing this one specific thing that you want, people have an issue with it. And I find it really interesting.

Selfish has had like a bit of a rebrand in the last couple of years, though, I think. So I've been working with a life coach for around four or five years now. It's the future, isn't it? Yeah, and he's like, reframe you're thinking, like, you need to start being good, selfish,

because I have a tendency to people pleasing, so you guys are going to get this. But, like, I work till exhaustion and burnout. I put everybody else first. I will make sure other people are happy to my detriment, especially if it's someone I love and care about. I feel guilty for anything I have that other people don't. Like, it's just a whole big thing.

And he was like, you need to stop. this is because nobody else is sitting out there worrying about you this much no one else is worrying about you as much as you're worrying about them you need to start putting yourself first you need to start being good selfish and that doesn't mean a course

like you don't care about homelessness or you won't help your sister if she needs somebody or you know it's not that it's being like I can't go to that night out because I know it's not good for me I don't I'm sorry if it's your birthday we can do something else

you know we can go and do a spoty but that night out with that much alcohol surrounding with people I don't really know I like it's going to end one way for me putting myself first and saying no it's good selfish you know so good yeah saying listen

I've loved sharing this journey with you guys but unfortunately there's some people who are making it really hard so I'm going to come off and have four days to myself good selfish you know make it work for you yeah there's nothing fucking wrong with being it

trying to be everything that everyone else needs that everyone else thinks you should be all of the time is just going to end one way and that's you being really unhappy and I can see just through Instagram I'm following you, like, you do work a lot, don't you? You do work a lot. I'm always like, she's like, up and out, and at a shoot or, like, doing this.

I'm like, you've got so much energy. Yeah. But I guess it's... I'm fueled by my enemies. I love that. No, there's definitely an element of... My mom's a hard work at all. She's definitely hard work.

She's like 65 and refusing to even consider retirement. And instead, she started like a brand new business and it's completely thriving. Like, my dad was a grafter, so clearly it's, there's an element of learned behavior. But I have been told ever since I was about, what, like 22 or whatever, like that I was good for absolutely nothing. But, you know, the joy of toll that definitely exacerbated that, people's quite negative opinions of what I was capable of. So I think, yes, I'm a workaholic. Yes, it's probably learned. But also, it's just a huge. huge part of me, that's like, people think you can't do this.

That's it. Do you still feel like you've got something to prove? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. So many people who still think I can't. And every time I'm getting an Uber or I get on a bus or I get on a train and someone's like, E! Picky Fires it? And I'm like, yeah. So what you're up to now? I think I'm not working hard enough. If you don't know when I'm fucking up, though, I'm not working hard enough. Because you need, you should know.

I'm writing books. I'm doing podcasts. I'm making documentaries. Bitch, I'm busy. You know, but if you don't know then I'm not working hard enough. Yeah. So that must be exhausting though. You are working hard enough. I feel like someone should tell you that.

You are really are. Thanks guys. Yeah. But no, I don't know. I do love work. Like, this is not like, oh, poor little busy me. I love work. I got such a huge enjoyment of it.

I'm working to try and I think since getting Ur- Since getting Ur-K-N-s like I bought him. He's my ken. Since getting Ur-K, when I met Ur-Kan, I, for the first time in my life, found a sense of personal happiness. It wasn't toxic. Like, all my other relationships have been really toxic.

And I'm not pointing fingers at absolutely anyone. I've got to hold some accountability. I was incredibly toxic myself. I also just think that's weak fucking source blaming someone else. Like, grow up. We were both shit. So I had healed a lot. And then I found someone who basically had nothing to heal from,

like, her accounts from this amazing 2.4 nuclear family where every single one of his brothers, love their partner so much and just I want kids and want to put people first like their class I know so I found this incredible man and like I became more willing

and open to the idea of having lovely evenings in and having beautiful staycations and taking the Monday off because it was bringing me happiness like I was always running away from something when I was working you know I was running away from horrible arguments or running away from an unhealthy environment

you know so but when I finally found Erkan and realized, oh, love doesn't have to hurt. It can be nice and it can be calm. You know, I have to be like frantically checking your phone every five minutes to say if he's texted, like, oh, that's actually what love shouldn't be.

Then I did start to find a bit more balance. And we have got some good balance. But yeah, now I'm... So I'm not... no longer as defined by my job as I work, but I'm still driven by people's doubt. I'm still driven by people thinking I can't do it. So I'm going to continue until everybody thinks I can't.

can. So we all know you can. To we all know, I love that. Yeah. Is there a random question that you don't have to have to answer, but you're talking about, you know, you kind of want to like change perceptions and stuff? Are you pleased that you went on Jordy Shore? If you had your time again, would you do it again? So it's dead hard because, like, would I be sitting here now if I didn't? Yeah. Like, there's a huge chance, like, I wouldn't have found a vehicle to get me here, you know? And I'm not saying, like, this is the only thing I ever wanted to do. Like,

I wanted to be loads of stuff when I was growing up. when you knew, I wanted to be a journalist, I wanted to be, you know, all these sort of things. But it's undeniable that it gave me, it acted as a huge catalyst to get me to essentially a place where I really like being. Yeah. So I'm super grateful to it for the platform it's given us, you know? Yeah. Have there been some really hairy parts of my journey that I potentially could have done without? Yes, absolutely.

But we've got to just get on this butterfly affecting, haven't we'll ask us and say like, I'm who I am and I'm where I am with the people I'm surrounded by because of everything I did. And there's not one thing I would change about where I am now. No. Not one thing. No. So lucky, so grateful, so fortunate, so happy. So, yeah, so I know I've got a couple of grey's knees. And a couple chapters that I don't love reading out loud.

Don't we all? Yeah. Ultimately, look where it's got us. So, yeah, I think, God, if George Shaw came up again, I'd actually just have to bite the bullet. And do it. Yeah. I always regret, always regret having sex on the Italian.

Do you? Always. Like, I'm never going to not regret that. And that was, that was a peer pressure thing. Or a, like, essentially just a huge pressure thing. It wasn't, and I would still be where I was now had I not done that. So you can understand me thinking, why did I fucking do it? And I didn't do it initially when everyone else was doing it.

When they were first series excited, mine was a lot further down the line. It came in the form of pressure from a relationship, from a partner. Really? So, yeah, I think I will always regret that. But, you know, we're always big on forgiving other people. 100%. You've got to forgive yourself sometimes as well. And I was young, and I did something that everyone else was doing.

I just happened to be on the telly. But you were living your life on the TV as well. Like the camera, I bet you guys forgot at some point of their cameras there because they've been there for so long. You do. It's a real second nature thing. Like within five minutes are going in anywhere. Like, we're just having a nice chat. Like, I half the time forget this is going anywhere.

It's only telling me PR rings is kicking off. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm sorry, I did talk about my periods again. So, yeah, I think. that's definitely plays a part, Al. You just forget and you reverted the stuff you were doing as a normal 20-year-old. But it's a hard pill to swallow. It was a hard pill to swallow family.

It really affected the relationship with me, ma'am. Your grandma had to tell me grander I was an actress. I know, she's just playing a part, David. He was like, oh, she's very good. She plays a part of his scumbag very well. Katie Piper shared something on Instagram It said no amount of anxiety can change the future and no amount of guilt can change the past.

I find that really freeing. Say it again. No amount of anxiety can change the future. Yeah, I love that. No guilt can change the past. I love that. That's gorgeous. I love Kate.

And you're so right. We do focus on forgiving other people. But not ourselves. Yeah. And you didn't do any heart. Okay. You didn't do anything wrong. But you didn't get any wrong.

It's just a couple minutes of missionary on the telemandass. Yeah, exactly. You didn't kill anyone. Like, it's fine. It is. Yeah. It is, and like I do, like, I work. So I'm always going to be, and again,

I forget the impression you guys are going to get this, but I am very hard on myself. And like I'm never complacent. I'm always pushing for the next thing. I'm always beating myself up over. So it's high functioning anxiety. That's what it is. And I know I've got it.

And I'm not going to be too disparaging about it because ultimately it's let me achieve and work at a high level. It's who I am, you know. It's been a huge part of my level of success has been because I am that way. But that is, I would like to work towards forgiving myself for some things because, you know, when you're lying about

at 3 o'clock on a Sunday night, man. You're just like, fucking thinking about every single thing you've ever done wrong. And you're like, and I would do this if I could do it again and do that, if I would do it. What's the point, man, it's done? And to echo Katie Piper's sentiments and add my own 10 pence,

they say, worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you no way. Oh my God, I love that. Worry is like a rocking chair. What are we doing, lasses? What are we doing?

Beating myself or giving myself... Rocking maniacly. It's three o'clock in the morning. It's always 3 o'clock in the morning. Always. It's a witching hour. What helps me about the witching hour and about all of those things

coming back into my head, what always helps me is like, I'm the only one who cares about, this stuff. No one else remembers what I did that time when I was like 25 and I don't know like I fucked up like no one actually cares no one remembers even if they do remember it's like a passing thought they don't give it they don't care they're in their own lives they've got too much well they're worrying about what they did when they were 25 as well exactly that's what I think that's probably the best way to stop you panic and is like nobody else is awake at this time thinking

about your shit babe no they're thinking about their own shit go to see yeah that's the that's the that's the most complete to bed there it's just like you can go to sleep also what helped me is, and I'm so annoyed that I don't retain information, but like, there's a reason. That's wicked. No, but I like that. Valia. Yeah, and just knock myself out. But what makes me feel better as well is knowing that all of those things feel worse and less rational in the middle of the night.

And it's to do with the hormones in our body and the chemicals in our body. Yeah, we are less equipped to handle emotions at that time of night. So go to the fuck to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm always like, there's a reason for this. There's a reason that I'm feeling, I'm remembering all this shit. It's nice to tell yourself that, isn't it?

When you're really in the midst of it. Like, you've got to tell yourself something, whatever words. It's not my fault. I'm always like, Megan Rose Lane has those t-shirts, and they just say, blame the moon, it's not your fault. Love that. It's literally the life mantra of mine. Sorry, it's not my thoughts of the moon.

I was like, I don't even know what it means, but I'm always like, it's fucking murky-rean retrograde or something because I got mental today. That's always my one. It's been four times a year for like a month at a time. Chances are Pretty much, babes Pretty much, yeah

I am just sometimes a little bit crazy but same same the hormones will do that

as well Yeah, that's it I do put in the hormones for a lot and it's just terrified of me and my ever ever so yeah

like I don't want to see he's walking on eggshells because that's not fair like I also don't think he's

that way inclined like he's such a relaxed person but like I'll just be sitting there and I'll burst into tears of something

I've seen on Instagram and he's like my puppy is crazy. And I'm like, yes, she fucking is. Don't forget it, babe. So I think, I feel so sorry for him because he just can't understand it, mate. Oh, I know.

You can't understand it at all. Keep seeing all these videos on the internet about men's hormones. Like, well, there's, like, Trump supporters. Oh, what I mean? We don't, I keep saying, though, like, people in red caps talking about men's hormones

and how you don't give enough weight to them. I'm like, I think you've got testosterone, but do you have any others? Like, I don't have. They don't have, oh, okay, I don't know. I don't know. I don't say that. They probably have some...

I don't know. I feel like we've got more, though, so just leave it. Oh my God, we've definitely got more. I don't know if you watch Hijack. Did you watch High Jack? No, but everyone's saying that's so good. It was really good, like, cheesy, but such a good watch. And the ending wasn't even like that sad, but I was obviously just in that mood.

And I was up on the sofa and Dave was on the floor. And I started crying. And you know, when it like develops into a sob that you can't, you're like, he was just looking, he would look back and be like, It's not even sad. I'm like, I can't breathe. It's about more than hijacked, Dave. It's about more than hijacked.

It's always about more than hijacked. It's never just hijacked. It spirals though, doesn't it again? Like, you can start sobbing off something just a little bit silly, like the donkey advert on the telly or whatever it is. Or dogs, dog stuff. I can't. I get shown these TikToks that are awful.

It's just about dogs and the ones that I hate when they say like, it's a dog on the. the screen, it's like, to you, I'm just part of your world, but you are my whole world. So take me out whenever you can and give me that. I'm like, I can't cope with the guilt. It's too much. I send them all to Urkan me because he's, the Akand is the lion's share of the, like, the doggy care, bless him in.

The dogging. Yeah. I was trying to find a different word. Big doggar. Yeah. Huge dog. I loves it. So sometimes he, I'm always excited to give the boys a walk because I do like 50% of

So I'm always buzzing, you know, even if it's raining. I'm like, yes, we get to play. But I can, because he does it every morning and every night, like there is an element of, fuck me, this again. So I always sent him, though, is where it's like, you know the ones where they're like, oh, your dog's walk is the highlight of their day. So remember that next time you're feeling,

like you don't want to go out with them. And we only get 12 summers if we're lucky with our dog. Sorry, this is it. So I send them to him all the time. And he's just, I'm like, did you get me? Did you get what I sent you on Instagram? He's like, no. he's not even bothered

and I'm sobbing me tits off I hate those videos people keep doing it now I hate the algorithm keep showing it's like you've got 18 summers with your baby

I'm like then what it's so annoying also I might not this might be my last I could what do you know and then I get really annoying

I'm like you don't know me you don't know me yeah and also as well I am 35 and I swear to God my mom still cannot get rid of me

in the summer so I don't even worry I'm watching them in my mum's house I'm just like I don't know about this sitting in Bev's box room like sure roll

Oh, Bickey, this is so wonderful. Thank you so. What's up next for you? What are you, what your plans? What's in the pipeline? So I absolutely adored making my documentary last year and writing my book. So I made a documentary about alcoholism, which is, of course, for anybody who doesn't know my dad's an alcoholic. I myself have had a complicated relationship with alcohol and I felt like there was potentially some parallels there, almost a genetic element.

So I looked into that. And through that, like, through making that film, I found out a lot about myself. And I was able to understand my dad's disease, but I, and me and him became so much closer, you know. So that was incredible. I'd love to make more important TV. I'd love to make more documentaries. I'd love to be able to do something in that space. Yeah.

But that's really difficult. It's very oversaturated. There's a lot of good people doing it. So, yeah, we'll watch this space. And also, I'd love to write more books in a, not preachy self-help space you know a lot of them are quite self-righteous and I'm just not self-righteous person so yeah so if I could do more of those things I'd be so happy

but at the moment wedding planning spend a time with my lovely dogs and partner and yeah just working so hard to prove everybody wrong yeah doing your podcast as well we'll put a link to your podcast in the show notes yeah because I'm not looking forward to have news I guess so yeah I can't wait all all's good and thank you so much this has been so good. I just felt like I was chatting in minutes.

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