Shutdown Fullcast - 2023 Spring Football Podcasting Clinic

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

This week’s combination mailbag episode and preseason practice will coach you up to the elite level of callers regularly featured on the show. Also, Spencer is afraid of basketball. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I just feel like we are surrounded in this world by bullshit. So how can you know what's real and what's not? Science versus, that's how. We answer questions like, does anti-aging skin care actually work? And what is your true personality type? And to answer these questions, we don't use opinions. We dive into the scientific studies,

talk to the experts, and put it in a podcast that I know you are going to love. Listen to science verses on Spotify. You still think you can get better. Just let it go, man. Oh, no, no, no, no. This is for my children. Oh, well, they don't have to live like me. I wouldn't do it if it was just, you know, us chickens here.

No, there's no way I would do that. But if my kids want to mess with it, that's fine. But my kids are equally inept athletically as I am. So if I put that out there. You're not inept athletically, though. No, you're not. No. That's what's so confusing about this is that, A, you are not like

athletically clueless. and B, and I say this with love and some degree of admiration, you are very comfortable doing things you're not good at. You are not like, I can only do things if I am awesome at them. But basketball is like,

you're just like absolutely not. It combines every element of everything I am terrible at. You know how COVID was like designed to destroy the Disney corporation because it like fucked with movies, theme parks, you know,

everything that they were good at, right? but then they put frozen on Disney Plus. Then they put Frozen on Disney Plus, baby. Statsam! Bob Iger's back! No, that's what basketball is. Basketball is a combination of all of the things. Because you know what?

Basketball would be cool with me if I could just fuck a deck somebody, but you can't actually just... That's true. There's superior mass and fucking tear into somebody. You can't because that's a foul. There's almost nothing you can do in basketball where being just strong is enough. you have to be strong and something yeah because in every other sport where my skill ran out

i could just be tough stupid or dense that's it that's a no use to you in basketball whatsoever right up to a point very extremely limited yeah right you have to be like stephen adams you have to be like yes he's built like an oak and he's also very good in the low post that ain't me it is it is the place where i am completely useless well i'm glad i suggest that this is the stretch. I feel very good about it. Yeah, it'll be great. I do feel a little challenge that I would like to play you one-on-one to see who is the worst. It would take, what, if we played to 10, it would take three hours.

It would take a long time, a very long time. But server, when's the last time you shot a basketball? It's been a few years. Okay, but like, I don't... No, it wasn't any better. I don't think you're understanding that, like, the fear that would overtake Spencer would give you such a clear advantage. Like, even if you're not good.

I can't do a crossover at all. Why would you need to? I can't do anything. I'm like the, I'm one step above Stanley in the office. I think that's enough. I think that's enough. Stanley is my,

Stanley is my boopin icon. Yeah, like, yeah. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall, joined as always by Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson, and on the ones and two's Michael Server. Jason Kirk is out this week due to WrestleMania long. He has WrestleMania lung, so he will not be joining us for this episode. Sometimes on this show, we like to take your questions.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Yes, yes. I have two things. Please. Thank God. Holly asked me a question last episode that I wasn't happy with my answer to, and I've been, for whatever reason, I've been thinking on it. She was asking me about the experience of having two children. And I gave some sort of like tongue-tied, overtired response, but I have a better answer to that question. question now, which I think will be helpful. People talk about having more than one children. Frequently, what gets invoked is like, you know, when you go from two to three, if you live in a two-parent household, you've gone from man-to-man or zone or something like that. And I think these are largely the wrong comparisons. And the best way I can explain, going from one kid to two kids, is it's like those extremely talented chess players who can play multiple

matches at once, where they can sort of, like, stand in a room and say, like, I'm playing five matches of chess at once. The reason I think this is the better metaphor is because while I have the, like, base skill set of a chess player from having the first kid, it has nothing to do with this second match that's going on. This new player has different strategy, different approach, different wiles. And so I can't use that much that I've learned from chess match. match one, which is still happening, which I still have to think about in chess match two. And that's, that's, I think, the better way for me to explain what expanding your child army looks like.

Like one of their pawns is actually an action figure and it can go for spaces sideways. Correct. Correct. And it's being thrown at my face. And what do I do with that? I've never seen that move before. It kind of reminds me of podcasting with Spencer. Like, you're not playing by the same rules.

So it's almost like you can't even rely upon natural law as a fallback plan. Right, correct. Yeah. The second thing, recently it was April Fool's, a day that I don't care about whatsoever. But I did discover something interesting. Grade school kids love April Fool's Day, but they don't really get it. And I know this because a neighbor kid came over. She's a couple years older than my daughter.

and she had dinner with us and they were talking about April Fool's pranks they wanted to play on another neighbor kid and they landed they started strong the first idea the neighbor kid had was I'm going to put some toothpaste on a marshmallow and

give it to him to eat and I was like okay that's like reasonably clever I see what we're going for the problem is once they had the affirmation of the toothpaste idea everything became toothpaste related it was like well let's put toothpaste in his socks and let's give him a Dorito with toothpaste on it and it was it completely

lost the plot where it was just like no the camouflage was the good thing about the toothpaste idea not the toothpaste but it was too late so on April Fool's Day uh this neighbor came over to my house and handed me a stapled back together thing of veggie crisps and was like give this to your daughter to eat. And I was like... Uh-huh. So I opened it up. Not that it's that hard to do because it wasn't factory sealed anymore.

And sure enough, gobs of toothpaste all over these orange and green strips. I think they understand April Fool's pretty well, Brian. I mean, they're tuned about as well as the internet is. That's true. I thought you said they didn't get it. my boys just think april fools is a free opportunity to punch someone in the face while saying a non sequitur that seems to be most elementary and middle schoolers i understand of april fools it's april first hey pizza rolls bam like right in the face april fools go where's the deception in that and the answer i got was well you didn't know i was going to hit you did i that's the joke that's true that's true i am the fool once again. It is April and I am the fool covered in toothpaste with a broken nose on America's

favorite holiday. Wishing for a Yukon football uniform that won't exist. Homefield again, teasing, helping us spread the word of the sad dog, Yukon football, running with, dare I say, the full cast-inspired logo, Ryan Nanny in particular behind. It's a group effort. It's a team effort. promised sad dog, which was their April Fool's gag, where the sad dog, Yukon. What's the lose?

Yeah. You put that joke post up and then you won the national title on basketball. See? See? Anyway, those are my two things. Yeah. I did imagine last night, though, the only intriguing part about the basketball final in the men's division came in me imagining the Brady Hoke versus Randy Edsel implications of a Yukon. San Diego State.

You guys did real well. You tried hard. I can't do the face. Spencer, who's the current coach of Yukon football? That's Jim Mora Jr. Okay. All right. Just checking.

Just check it. Oh, buddy. Like my Jim Mora Jr. Tracker ever goes off. It's lit at all times. He was the one who had Holly, I feel like we'll remember this best. Did he have the game day segment about living in a haunted house? Did I make that up?

Yes, he did. Okay. Yo, that shit was haunted, though, for real. I believe that. Sam and Colby need to go in there. It was a, that was an October game day segment this past season called the Haunted Huskies. How can we really sell Yukon football as being something that isn't a spectral, New England-y, dower, dire kind of cloud-strown environment? Oh, how about we profile the head coach living in a haunted house?

I take black pepper out of the cabinet And all of a sudden So he's like, no Don't show on the white pepper That's really fucking on. Y'all are You all need to take it easy On like provoking these ghosts in his house

Like be careful Why? Challenging them. Don't challenge them. They're those New England ghosts, man. They're the real scary ones that are like, you know, probably were like framed as witches or some shit like that.

Yeah, they got a bone to pick. Jim Mora Jr. Can you frame someone as a witch? Well, if they... I mean, that's kind of the whole point of the crucible. Yeah, but I guess... If they float or if they sink, Ryan, it's a foolproof system.

No, here's my question. When you say, I framed you for this, I assume that that means I set you up as the Patsy for a crime that was committed. But to frame someone for witchcraft would mean, to me, that means I'm doing the witchcraft

but I'm making you look like the witch I mean if I'm cool I'll frame you for it yeah that's how a real one would do it I mean Ryan's a lawyer yeah witchcraft lawyer this is again we're only inventing new businesses if somebody wants to go ahead and take up a fictional franchise that's called like

Hortense a good plucker the witchcraft attorney for only the richest and wealthiest client of the 1700s please we could sell that we could sell that series somewhere Hulu would buy that Hulu will buy anything Hulu will buy like boss baby like the like boss baby three

and we'll watch it because Hulu is quickly becoming I'm in be like wow Don Cheadle is great in witchcraft lawyer Hulu's becoming the asynchronous TNT where I'm like well shit let's just see what's on there they're showing the pelican brief again awesome they're always showing the pelican they're always whatever you want

why not it's a banger um is that is that it right do we address both yeah yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry that you wanted to bring up because sorry means you won't do it again I won't on this episode okay

please don't please don't interpret that as meaning I am discouraging you. I just, I just wanted to point that out. Again, another, another one of my favorite, favorite bits of wisdom from your wife. Sometimes on this show, we answer your questions. And then sometimes on this show, we answer your question. We asked y'all to please give us, not questions, but one question, the one question you wanted us to discuss today here in April. And at a time when like there's a lot of stuff going on but but not all of it's particularly relevant to you know the gist of this this podcast's usual efforts so we're going to discuss for the entirety of this

episode one question and before we get there we thought we'd like to try and do a little bit of an educational segment please tell me that dog noise was audible good okay good uh because we get we get a lot of questions and y'all we love you it's it's it's spring training time where we're going to be real with you we can't use most of them and we can't use most of them for a number of really specific reasons so before we get into the question of the day we're going to go through a little clinic and uh this is this is not to this is not to hate on anybody this is you're just about to be made an example of and if you didn't want to be made an example of you shouldn't have added us. We're either coaching it or we're letting it happen. Yeah. And we've decided to

coach. Yeah, yeah. See a problem. See a problem. Solve problem. So there are there are types of questions in general that are not going to be particularly useful to us on a show. And, you know, some of you have written to us in the passing, oh, you never used my question. And it's not that your questions are bad. It's just that they're not ideally formatted for, a podcast that tends to record about an hour after we put the call out for these questions. So, first thing you need to know is during most of the year, we record this show on Tuesday afternoons for a drop on Wednesdays. So if you are seeing a call for questions to be answered during the show at like noon on Tuesday,

you can pretty well surmise that, hey, something's gone wrong, as in, hey, this week we had a plan, and Jason has Epcot lung. and we are reverting to something that we didn't plan to do today. So if you are asking a Reddit-type question for us to set up an entire extended universe off the cuff, that's probably not something we're going to be able to put together in an hour. We love you. But that's probably not something we're going to be able to put together at an hour. Now, I'm going to go through, I'm going to list a couple of really specific ones,

and just nobody, nobody get mad. this is where the tough love comes in. One of these examples is, are you asking us a yes or no question? That's not going to make for a very long episode. For the people who we have Kyle writing in and asked, has anything that has happened in a wrestling ring ever been funnier than Shane McMahon, making us triumphant and unwarranted return at WrestleMania

and immediately blowing out his knee doing a basic transition move. That was actually an incredible moment with Snoop stepping in and saving the day. But that's a yes or no question. and that's not going to make for a very, a very lengthy discussion. Also, this is really, this is really funny and this is a better example of one of these, but things that aren't a question, such as Ben, when you write to us and you say, the teapot dome scandal, that's not a question. Fascinating.

That's probably something that we all have opinions on, and I appreciate that about you, but that's not a question. No. Mel wants to know what kind of knife Does Holly prefer to keep on her? The answer is typically a A benchmaid mini-griptilian That was given to me as a wedding gift

By one of our very own listeners It has outlasted the marriage And it will probably outlast me. I love it. But also this eliminates the rest of the hosts From discussion. By that same token, if you are writing in

as did Reader Zach and saying could we get an essential albums of the 1970s list slash discussion one person on this show was alive during this And Serber probably has some thoughts on that too though

This is a kind of a combo move because this is like a Reddit slash exclusion move I don't think you or Jason or I would have a lot to contribute to this I think Cerber and Spencer if we gave them a week to prep could really fly with this kind of thing

but again this was like 1 p.m. on a Monday so anyway I hope these and also this is leaving out the people whose questions is are how are you yeah I can't which actually frankly I can't answer that question

in the span of an hour and a half yeah the one exception to the rule and I would like to shout out Reader Ben who says listen the other the other rule and the rule that goes above all these is you can, as with the disaster episodes, you can break all the

rules that we want if you're funny. But you've got to make sure you're funny. Ben writing in, not a question, and he's linking to a story. His entire message says, not a question, and he's linking to a story that says, U.S. Customs and Border Protection Officers sees

101 scale models of Neeland Stadium on Monday in Norfolk. Thank you. thank you that that's not a question but you were wise to bring this to us yeah so what what would you say are the like indicators of what are the guideposts to here is a good question here's here is what a good question looks like we've got a deep hypotheticals we love hypotheticals we love we always we and you guys always

love a good draft episode. The thing, this is a dangerous thing to ask for, but the entire internet, our entire genre of internet is built on this thing is like that other thing. And yet, some of our favorite moments, many of our favorite moments come out of this thing is like that other thing. So if you have this thing as like that other thing that's on your heart, go ahead, but make sure, make sure it's real good. good um this show in particular uh if you would like to go into uh american or or or especially if jason's

here world history um you know we love that college football i guess could also uh could also be a topic in there um and i know we have an extensive back catalog but if it's an episode we haven't done five times already uh that's that's another good one um we actually had i well we actually had a like 10 really good questions. And we said one because we thought that we were only going to get one. But I'd kind of like to roll through a couple of these if you guys don't mind. Because there are a couple great examples of, while we're educating the group, there are a couple great examples of hypotheticals, of historical questions, of,

hey, less asks about the hosts about their lives, questions, and, and, uh... Well, can we, can we do this? Can we shout out a couple of them, give them a little bit of time, but they're not let's agree that these are not the question yeah um let's okay on the absurdist on the absurdist thing this is from jake uh looking at the cookout menu what college football coach is a corn dog you can always order it it's not time dependent it's it's a it can double up as it's the can i tell you where this froze me um the fact that i was thinking about okay this coach is a is a utility player either as an assistant coach or as a head coach because

you can order it as the subject of a tray or as a side. But the fact that you can get two of them as a side is what turned me up. Does this have to be a polini? Does this have to be a petrino? I think it's, does this have to be a stoop's? I think it helps. I think you definitely want, you know, like for me, Mark Stoops is a corn dog because he's underrated. He's the shape of the body also.

Shape is similar. I don't think he's a side at this point, though, is he? No, he's not really, but you can get a main. I mean, you could just get, I've done that. I think he might not, he's also. maybe shape more like a turkey leg yeah like a like a red and fair turkey leg yeah so but corn dog if you're talking about somebody who's a side but almost a main that to me is you know kind of um a main if if if if if this is somebody who if it's a main it's either you've been

pressed into that by necessity or you made a bad choice hmm Is Brady Hoke a corn dog? I was going to say, see, and I was going with a complimentary. No, people like corn dogs, and corn dogs perform useful functions. And as far as I know, a corn dog has never allegedly participated in, like, the cover-up of sexual assault or head injuries. Yeah, so we can't do that with Brady Hoke. I was actually thinking Ruffin McNeil, who succeeded in the two, like, wildly, who succeeded in the two wildly different scenarios of coordinating for Mike Leach at Texas Tech

and then becoming the headman for a successful run at ECU and then being unfairly maligned as corn dogs often are. I like that. I also think that in terms of corn dog, you can go ahead and plug Paul Christ in there because Paul Christ was a good assistant. That is a corn dog looking man. He's a corn. I know this is a man who.

has deep philosophical similarities to a corn dog and that he believes in beef with a little bit addressing. He also believes that he himself is not the main event. Yeah. And I think if you if you go to cook out looking for a corn dog to be the centerpiece of your tray, you're, you're kind of thinking small. Can I tell you the one other word of this, I don't know if this will, if this will appreciate with you guys or not if he was there long enough. But the first thing I thought of was Kurt Roper. I don't know really why that came to me. Yeah. Yeah. I thought of Paul Chris because what is badder, but the sweatshirt for the meat. Oh.

Well, okay, so that's a good question. Yes, agree. So that's one. Here's another good example from KT of breaking the rules of, you're asking, and these are not rules, these are suggestions, but do you want your question on the show or not? This is a yes or no question, but it's a yes or no question that A has a specific tie into a subject that you know we are interested in, and B is going to start an instant argument. And C is a source of expertise for at least one host,

but the others can participate. Is Lazzania just an Italian trifle? Ryan is Italian and a baker, and Spencer is Garfield. So I, I, listen, lasagna's disgusting. Oh, okay. Fuck you, man. No, I can get some ricotta from me. I can't fuck with ricotta.

It's a texture thing for me. Yeah. Ricotta's just not food. I would argue that lasagna is only a trifle once you start to eat it. It's very structured in its assembly, no? Yeah, lasagna is what it is. Yeah. No, it's not.

Yeah. Lanzania is not a trifle. But good attempt. Plus, like, imagine anything, anything as flavorful as lasagna coming out of England. Impossible. Oh. I mean, I will give you this, lasagna is definitely more flavorful and that there are more horrible scents and odors coming out of it than there are out of trifle. So more flavors is definitely accurate.

I think the thing that lasagna and trifle most have in common in is that, like, most likely, no matter how well you prep it and serve it, that shit is going to be a mess. This shit is going to be just a big old mess. like I get you know like there's a big rivalry between French and Italian cuisine and the French are like wow Italian cuisine is inexact and Italian sometimes puts up a shot like lasagna and I get it I get that critique where they're like really you see what that looks like on a plate man you know there's a good there's a good draft that we could have next year of things that you would want to yell as the basketball shot goes off

lasagna oh my God increasingly I'm going to go with some okay there this is this is my question for the show. You guys are calling a basketball game. What what theatrically baroque catchphrase are you screaming out as the ball sails toward the room?

Rural electrification agency. Oh, I like that. I'm going to go with Froggy Winnicorton because it can be a song or a piece of spoken word. I'm just going to do the whole... Froggy Winnicorton. I'm just going to do the whole William.

Also, there's a court in there. I'm going to do the whole William Jennings, Brian, Cross of Cold speech. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. People be like,

get back on defense. You missed. God damn it. Stop orating. What about you? Emilio. You had to be there. I think also.

I think also hollering out. Jason DeRulo would be really. good. What somebody, see, where is the line to where somebody is just far enough

removed from the regular public consciousness that it's funny. The first thing that came to mind was Chingi, but Chingi's always

on my mind, so. But that will, there is a solid portion of the population that's just be like, who the fuck is that? I don't know who that is.

What if you brought back to that? We can't talk about those. They're a competitor. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we have to delete that. Yeah.

Bleep it all. Bleep it all so nobody knows what we were talking about. I think if you invoked a horse, that would confuse people. Like a horse, any horse, or like a famous horse. Either way. Oh, sea biscuit. Yeah. Yeah.

And by the same token, actually. That basketball has the. heart of a horse. I take it back. As I unleashed my inevitably mystery, I would yell, Adray, you-hoo! Hey, listen, there's invoking a horse and there's, yeah. What if you just shout out the name of an unspectacular NBA player?

Yeah, sure. John Salman's. Who's the guy who played for Utah and had male pattern baldness. I'm kind of remember the guy's name. No, Joe Ingalls. That's what I would shout out.

I shout out Joe Ingalls. Joe Ingles could shoot. Joe Ingles can shoot a little bit. That's why you should shout out his name. You got to pick somebody, you got to be like, Popeye Jones. Skiles!

Just shouting Skyles. Scott Skiles. That's right. Stiles makes fights. All right. Sorry. But that wasn't the, question either, yeah.

But here's another one from M. Patterson, which is a yes or no question. However, it is designed to provoke an argument, and it is also very topical and very timely. And something, this is just a great question because I'm not sure it's something that any of us have ever considered despite the confluence of subject matter here. This is kind of remarkable. Is Jim Nance the greatest Houston Cougar? all right time to open wikipedia yeah you know you because when you think about schools you you associate jim nance with it's never his alma mater is it no um let's let's put athletics to the side here and let's say non on the court or field options if that's acceptable to everybody

Kenny Rogers are... Kenny Rogers went to Houston? What? That's what Wikipedia is telling me. Camillionaire. Yeah, Kenny Rogers class in 1958.

Dennis Quaid, class of 1974. Randy Quaid, class of 1971, will not be picking. Move over. He is one of the choices. Randy Quaid graduated? That's, according to this, yes.

Incredible. Big Lids out. Yeah? Lizzo didn't graduate, but did go there. Brent Spiner. Because Randy Quaid went through and Lizzo didn't. So between Randy Quaid and Brent Spiner, we're like getting a lot of the cast of Independence Day on this.

Oh, Towns fans are. Master P. attended. Paul Wall? Paul Wall graduated? Paul Wall graduated? According to Wikipedia. This competition's over. Please tell me Paul Wall was like a sociology maybe.

or something like anthropology pre-med what i just made that i would have believed you without question i did believe you without question robert wool arles went to houston yeah yeah yeah my answer to this initially is file not found because there's too many like how do you pick a favorite star in the heavens right right right i think i will say i think jim nance is is hanging in there reasonably well No? Listen, this is not a joke. But he's mostly a surprise factor. Like, his hanging in is mostly a function of surprise, I would argue. There is a government service employee named Holly Hamm, who graduated from Houston in 1994.

Hey. With two M's? Just thought that, just with 1M. That's how it's even better. Yeah. the politics side of this and just going to just scroll for it. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Elizabeth Warren went to Houston.

That can't be right. She did. Elizabeth Warren got her bachelors at the University of Houston. I mean, she's from Texas. That checks out. Yeah. I love this. That's the thing that she should have played up a lot more aggressive.

Yeah, right? Why is she not? why is she not up there with UGK? He got to run on that. Elizabeth Ward riding on slabs. We got some astronauts. Dude, you got

Lee LaBrata. God damn. Why didn't you just lead with that one? Swole icon Lee LaBrata. Yeah, see, this is a thoroughly interesting one because it opens up the cornucopia of fascinating people

who attended and or graduated from the University of Houston. Also, anything that just makes us open up and read the internet aloud during the show? 100%. Banger. Yeah. I don't think I can say he's number one, but he's probably top five. I think that's open. He's top five, you know, I think in terms of recognition, I don't know if you saw his sign-off

where he said thank you for being my friend. I was overjoyed that the preview video that CBS Sports tweeted out for that was a wing ad. So it was like Jim Nances Like says thank you for being my friend And there's just this image of barbecue sauce Being poured across wings See he did go to Houston Thank you for reminding me to find and tweet out

Cat Lab's master's hype video Yeah Arnold does have an honorary degree from Houston Which I think is worth throwing his name in the ring Claim him That's fine Holly ham Holly ham

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official sleep and wellness partner of the nfl c store for details here's a question from roto tudor okay now we're getting is this the question or still not at the question we're into like we're into like the top five at this okay gotcha these are these are i think these are i think all good examples and all teaching moments um if you could go back and give one piece of advice to one of your co-hosts at age 16 what would it be and how likely are they to ignore it i hate these fucking questions because i have no this is fine i have i have i have no advice to give anybody at any point in their lives okay none that's not right sorry that's not i did not mean to set reader can up like this uh this is uh it does raise it does raise i think here's here's why i like

this question. I can't engage with it, but it can lead to, I think, a mutation of this question, which is of the four of a, nah, fuck it. Of the five of us, Serber, I want you to answer this as well. Who do we think is the most and least like their 16-year-old self? Who has changed the most in the least from when they were 16? And because obviously none of us have any direct experience with one another at that age, or really even that close to it, to, to have any real insight here. But, like, I feel like Spencer is probably very different now than he was as a 16-year-old.

He would probably be my most different pick. Yeah. Yeah. I would agree. Jason is also probably pretty different from, and he's talked about this a lot. Yeah, Jason has written about the, uh, his, his changes in that. I think I'm probably pretty similar to myself at 16.

I think I was pretty fully formed and demented at that point. I think if you still, one test for this is if you have a lot of friends from when you were 16. Yep. Check. That's probably the case. And if you have none, then that's the other way. Interesting. Okay.

Server, how, compare yourself to 16-year-old you. How different are we talking? I was going to say I was pretty fucked up by 16 already, judging by trauma not affecting me later on. But then specifically me think, I don't have any of the same friends, so maybe I am really different. Yeah. I knew my wife in high school, but that's pretty much She's the only I didn't know you knew your wife that long

Huh? I didn't know you knew your wife that long. Yeah. Are you guys like middle school sweethearts? We met and, well, no, we didn't start dating until after high school, but we met in theater class when she was a freshman and I was a junior. Wow.

Theater one. Mr. Whitaker's class. What was the performance of the main performance? Oh, we did improv every day. Okay. that's a teacher who has got shit figured out we watched we watched we watched amadeus once and had to do a brief test on it because we got in trouble yeah um and when we got in trouble he would make us watch a movie and take a test on it otherwise we just did improv every day

theater also watched amadeus for punishment in school yeah from i finally powder i will powder yep what sure wow that's a good that would be another good question what is the most TV cart wheeling in Rainy Day movie Powder has got to be up Yeah that one's bad We watch Glory a lot I do want to be clear

Like more than once Oh yeah Yeah I want to be clear That Amadeus was supposed to be punishment But I love that movie I was delighted Yeah

Amade Especially of school movies You can watch Like Amadeus is a perfectly fine choice Oh yeah And the guy that plays Mozart Went to School of the Arts

Here in Winston Salem too so I always thought that was awesome. Amadeus terrifies me, but I think that's because I saw it in the fifth grade. Yeah, it's great. It's got some scenes in it. We had a teacher wheel out. We had a teacher wheel out commando once.

That went over real well. That's not true. That's not true. You were either in public school in Tennessee or in Florida. Dude, this is Tennessee and it was gym. My gym teacher was like, yeah, man, this movie kicks ass. Let's just put it on.

No fucking It's like Coach Walker's got a hangover. It's time to watch Commando. It's a family movie. He's trying to find his daughter. See? Positive role models.

Also, aspirations of physical fitness. Have you seen the kind of things he does? You can only perform the kind of task John Matrix performs in that movie if you are in peak physical condition. You are never too young to appreciate a good Dan Hadea. That's right.

Right. Dan Hadea does amazing multicultural accent work in that movie. I'm not even sure what continent he's supposed to be from. South. Somewhere, yeah. Is it? Global South somewhere. Yeah. Italy's not the global south.

Parts of Italy are functionally the global south. Sicily is the global south. He's working the accent that you automatically get when you put on it on a safari. A safari suit. That's it. When you put on a safari suit and an ascot, that's just the accent you start speaking with. They don't have the internet in Sicily. It's fine. How dare you, a soon-to-be-naturalized Italian citizen, say these things, Ryan, Nanny?

Listen, in three years in Detroit, I can't believe you watched Commando in school. Dude, it was sick. Honestly, that was the most I learned in any Tennessee classroom during my time. Ryan, now is the time where you asked Spencer when the last time he watched Commando was. I know, I know it's in the last week. And this is also really making me rethink how much Spencer has changed since he was 16. No, 16 year old me would have gone, no, 16 year old me would have gone, that was bad and wrong in the world to be better. Now I'm like, kick ass.

I got to watch Commando. You've become the gym teacher. You once feared. What was once a warning is now an exam. all right great um here's one that feels uh here's one that feels uh here's one that feels like it could be its its own show from a long time friend james tyler if you could have fun and enjoy a second career as a wheeling dealing n i l mega booster which school are you setting up shop at and which sport are you pouring money into

I want my money to make impact beyond, like, I want a sport that's on the up and up. So I want my Nile money to make an impact larger than its actual sort of market value might be in football. So I'm going to take, I'll go to Florida. I'll just going to be partisan here. I'll take that layup. And especially because apparently at Florida, you can offer whatever you want and start a collective and do whatever you care to do without anyone having anything to do with it. We're doing women's basketball. That's what we're going to do.

I like, let's get in. Let's get some actual quality NIL deals And let's start winning The history of women's basketball Florida is not good No, it's not good You're not a really hard time doing that once I am already camped in Knoxville doing the exact same thing

You're right though I'll take a different answer I will take a different answer All right Because that was that was also going to be I was also going to go the basic bitch route And say I am just going home And I am going to lavish

lavish the lady volves with all of the lambos and whatever else. Put a spa in there, do something. But I think what I would actually like to do is one of the things I'm most interested to see develop as the SEC becomes this 16-team Super League is what kind of what kind of hellaciously dominant conference we get in sports that are not football. I'm speaking here specifically of mainly softball and baseball, but also women's

gymnastics. I'm very excited to see the Oklahoma gymnastics program added to the SEC's already robust portfolio of teams. Tennessee doesn't have one at the time, and at the moment. And Tennessee also has a beloved by me still in its club stage hockey program. And I believe I would divide my time between establishing a women's gymnastics program at Tennessee and bolstering the hockey program into being a real life, a real life.

life power player. I was also thinking hockey. In this case, I was going to pick UCF hockey, mostly because it will make additional hockey power is fucking furious when UCF is running circles around them, skating circles around them, I should say. That's what happens. Yeah. I'm also tempted to go with an alma mater, although not Florida. I would like NYU to become the premier sports fishing program in college. Ryan, can I, can I offer one other suggestion? Yeah. you could also finally settle the question of New York's college football team if you made it the NYU fight and violets I could I could I really don't want them to have football because

what if you only made a women's football program that could be that could be interesting yeah sure I would I think it would also be fun just because who will do anything about it to be a Cal NIL super booster of any kind because like what a what a what a what a perverse and lonely existence that would be at this juncture just be like I'm the one person who thinks we should spend millions of dollars on Cal men's basketball be like really Cal doesn't even think that I'm pretty sure you could you know like think of all the things though that you

could get away with yeah because nobody's paying attention to Cal correct correct yeah I like this Serber what about you oh we caught him eating thanks Stephen Hartzell caught him on his bagel Tom thanks Stephen Hartzell

no one's supposed to be able to hear me I'm sorry I wasn't looking at the I'm just messing with you okay these we're down to the final four which is a term of my own devising these are a combination of history

pop culture video games and just sheer absurdity which I think are four of our strongest categories they all require a little bit more thought that I think we have trying to put into them today but I wanted to honor them so I'm going to

take them in order of how fast I think we can get them done this is from Jordan S we've added Mario Kart item boxes to real life they are found on sidewalks which item is the most useful I personally

am a big fan of the lightning bolt that makes everyone around you tiny okay so we're not just making this has to be an existing item we can't just put things

in the box right that's an impossible question yeah I believe he is asking for which Mario Kart item would be the most useful as a real life tool okay if left in a

although yours is funny so I like triple bananas Like I'd like to just sort of have like a little spinning halo of bananas around me Like that could also Don't at me Yeah like if somebody got too close to me They'd they'd like get spun out by one of my bananas

I do like that Leave me alone in Target This is my aisle, you come down and after I'm done I have also openly fantasized in the past About just being able to shoot ink at people Yeah, in the past I mean How long ago was this? Like a couple hours

Was this this morning? Yeah about how I just wish I could shoot bursts of ink at just out of my, it doesn't really matter where, but out of a readily available orifice. So the squid might be useful as like a pocket squid. I want that plant that just the that comes out and starts like eating everything around you.

The fireflower plant, yeah. Yeah, the fireflower plant. I think that'd be a delight. Yeah. If you can't be, if you can't do the star, you do the fireflower plant because then it's just this gigantic. organic Audrey 2 beating up everything around you for you. How comforting.

I do like that. It's like a bodyguard. Yeah, my bodyguard, this huge carnivorous plant that lives in my car. Weird remake, but tender all the same. All right. I'm going to narrow this down just a little bit and say we don't have to have four because this would actually be an entirely, this could be an entire episode

and it would be a great one but Beast Squirrel asks which four vice presidents I'm just going to admit this to any vice presidents would you bring with you for a bank heist BPs Nixon Nixon was

Nixon was my first choice Dan Quayle is going to be up there for me because he's got Dan Quail has what I believe is a gray man face like you can you could never identify him in a lineup Uh, Al Gore for his supreme knowledge of lockboxes.

That's true. Also, he'd hack things for me. And Henry Wallace, just because I want to hang. Mm-hmm. I would also take, uh, who was vice president for a time, Lyndon Johnson, actually, would be my first pick. Yeah. You need that kind of dick swinging energy, the literal dick swinging energy.

Yeah, I'm going to need a stick man. So Aaron Burr, he's the only guy I know who's got that pow-pow working. Not Dick Cheney? oh yeah Dick Cheney didn't kill a guy Dick Cheney's unreliable That was only because of the ammunition Yeah

Dick Cheney might remember He might enter one conflict And immediately divert to another I need him to stay focused I was gonna say Dick Cheney didn't kill a guy Will be news to many Iraqis Listen

This is a hands-on job We don't we don't subcontract it The only VP I know for a fact Who pulled that trigger In a time of crisis was Aaron Burr, okay? And he is one for one in that. So I know he's the only guy with the resume to pull this off.

So I'm taking Aaron Burr, and I'm going to take Richard Nixon, and then we're going to take your money. Fair enough. This is, all right, final, final, this is our championship matchup. We're going to go with the historical question first. This is from Team Radar Love. How would you cast a reboot? of Hunt for Red October

with figures from the college football and college football adjacent universe mascots are also in play. The reason I wanted to do this is I wanted that moment where Jonesy looks up from the radar and turns to the screen

only it's Louisville's mascot with his mouthful of terrifying human bird teeth. That's the first thing I... That is my sole contribution to this casting because it's all I could think about. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Um. So anyway, who's our, who's our Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin. It has to be a mascot. Who's in that? Mascots are in play. Mascots are in play.

Yeah, it doesn't have to just be. It's much funnier if the only one who remains, right? So, Connery is Connery. um if we have also i can move i i don't want to eject corny b vance from the movie i could move him elsewhere you know he could uh he could have james earl jones part since we're like bumping up the generations all right who's he could be the admiral now fred thompson is played by swedoms that's it absolutely correct yeah who's our total control who's our sam neal man scooter scooter that's who plays sam neal okay

Okay, here's a real tricky one, given that we're going college football. Who's Tim Curry? Tim Curry. Who can pull off you will receive the order of Lenin for this? Oh. Paul Rhodes. Paul Rhodes has that sort of like doomed. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah. Yeah. Who can pull off Stellan Scars Guard as the sweaty disturbed. Sweaty smoking. Purdue Pete. I was going to say Gary Patterson. yeah Gary Patterson's a good one

Lane Kiffin oh it killed us no Lane Kiffin's one of the Russians top side who are like Captain scared him out of the water like that's Lane

no no that's Pat Narduzzi Pat Narduzzi would never participate in this kind of collective action um um who's scott glenn this is an important one this might have to be it might have to be mark ricked it might have to be somebody we actually like and there aren't that many of those i don't know so that's to be some guy who uh some guy who's like

mean and thin he's like world weary yeah yeah world weary mean kind of thin dude this is this breton venables no this is saving man save it would be the best scott Glenn, it is. You're right. You could hear him in that West Virginia accent going, yeah, might be son of dimensions on playmate of the month. Yeah. Well, my morse is rusty. Yeah. My morse is rusty, so quit asking.

A lot of, most of Scott Glenn's like delivery in that is very Nick Sabin giving a half-time interview. Also, nerd glasses. Remember, they both have the like nerd glasses and Saban had those at one point. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I love that pit of casting. That's good. Yeah. That's good. That's strong. All right.

Are we ready for the final? Yes. All right. This week's winner of the one reader question we are answering is from Grant at It's Grant Tastic. And I just love this. It's pure chaos. If you had the power to remove one cubic meter of matter from the planet Earth, what would you remove to cause the most chaos? And I'm not going to say, specify whether this is good chaos or bad chaos.

I will leave that to your heart. one cubic you could remove one cubic meter of matter from planet earth what do you remove wow okay do you take out the core of

a wall street server and forgive all of our student loans is this a quiet those are things that have backups though so I'm thinking is this a quiet assassination question because yeah I guess a heart is a lot less than a cubic meter.

That's a good point. But you want to get the rest of the chest cavity just to be sure. Yeah, in the head. I'm going to say as much of the Statue of Liberty's face as possible. Like if a big chunk, if not all of the Statue of Liberty's face was just fucking gone, people would freak the fuck out in every pot. Like that would cause, because I was trying to think like what at the United Nations, but there's not necessarily a thing.

Right. You're thinking like a villain on the tip. yes yes 100% but if you just showed up and if you woke up and they were like the statue of liberty's face is fucking missing like karmine san diego stole it or some shit people would lose their minds and i'll admit this is the bad chaos version of the of the answer but i can't think of anything that would really like drive people quite as crazy as that by that same token what if what if we went to Mount Rushmore what if we went to Mount Rushmore and we took like George Washington's nose

which I think is probably significantly more than a meter maybe one of his eyes and we hollow it out how long do you think it would be for people to notice though well that's the thing that they're going to notice pretty fast because what I would like to do in there is put a stuckies inside Mount Rushmore up top. So you want to replace, you want to replace it. I want to replace George Washington's, let's see, his left, our right, if you're looking at the eyes from straight on, on Mount Rushmore,

with the ability to buy a roadside Pekan log. Okay. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wow. This is very difficult. it's not chaotic but um it's well first of all it's chaotic because his eye is gone but then job creation yeah yeah okay so i was trying to think of something that can cause an immense

amount of chaos right but not in the way it's a religious icon would probably oh if you uh what's what's it called the cabah the Cuban mecca you know no yeah you can't fuck with don't do that it's a bad plan like a giant heart-shaped hole in the middle of the the christ statue in brazil disturbing yeah yeah disturbing but honestly like honestly is that going to like really sort of make a difference is that really like it just might be like i don't know something it won't cause it won't cause a lot of chaos i think i'm being too whimsical yours is good to if it's fast and furious promo that's for sure i i have one okay

go ahead yeah just because i i I'm, I don't have any money in the game, but there's a longstanding bet. I'm taking out one of the foundation pieces of Cape Hatteras, just to see how that, how that goes down between Felder and Hartzell. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I think that's.

I would be on the wrong side of this, to be fair, because I have argued for its existence well past the date. No, but the joke would be worth it. Yeah, totally be worth it. But also, if you chuck a cubic foot out and it still stood, you would, feel more confident than ever. I would also probably talk to Hartzell ahead of time and see if he's willing, you know, to lend a bribe.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep. And he would, too. Mm-hmm. I think you would. A cubic foot.

It's all about the low effort dubs. Like, give me, to help me and listener, like, how big are we thinking a cubic foot is? Like, what is something we can. I'm sorry, a cubic meter. Which is like fairly large. Right. So, like, what is something I can compare that to? That's a one meter wide, one meter.

So three by three by three basically, right? Like, yeah, if you're talking Imperial. You're looking at like half a refrigerator box. Okay. Okay. Right. Right. Like a refrigerator box cut in half a long ways. Right.

Okay. Yep. Yeah. Okay. I am going to, I think I have my bet. I'm just going to delete the crown jewels. Oh, yes. Like the, the, the cases that are there, but they're just gone.

just gone. Yeah. Just, just gone. Or the cases are gone too. No, no, no. Yeah, just whatever. Do you want to take like a Minecraft cube worth of matter involving the crown jewels? If it has to be the crown, go ahead.

Just delete it. Delete it. Because I don't want to hurt anybody. You know, you could be like, well, I want to take this cornerstone of them, you know, an important building. Just fuck the world. Like, yeah. Or, you know, everything that I want to destroy about, everything that I would like to destroy about late stage capital. You can't do with a square meter, right?

But you know what I could do that'll keep people busy for like years, years? I can just delete this one Minecraft-shaped cube of the crown jewels. And it will keep so many of the right people busy for the wrong reasons for so long. So that would be my one extremely entertaining, like, blip! Just take it. It is hard to like fully destabilize things with this much, though, right? I mean, somebody has a real clever answer out there. Somebody has, like, the answer.

Like, oh, I know the most important supercomputer in the world. You should call in to our voicemail line, 704 soul cast. That's S-O-L-C-A-S-T, Hale to Ra, the Sun God. And let us know. Is the doomsday clock like an actual physical thing, like, that there's just one of? Like, if you disappeared, but if you disappeared it, would that cause enough panic that they'd be like, well, we would advance the doomsday clock, but we can't find it? Oh, that is delightful

That would be a good job Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait My answer is My answer is the Constitution of the United States Yes National Treasure Ryan Nanny In at the buzzer

Now for a bonus round Who would you frame as having stolen it to take the heat off yourself for again maximum giggles does it have to be believable or I can just frame whoever I want it does not have to be believable at all John Grodden his name's always coming up because I think people would be like yeah we haven't heard much from him lately that's a good nobody was keeping an eye on crude and i bet he didn't do it it's just it's just sitting

there in a strip mall his wife has property nearby yeah i bet he got his strong son to punch a hole in the wall and he stole the constitution fuck it up deuce