Shutdown Fullcast - 40 for 40, 2019 Edition: Alternative National Championship Games

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

It's time to review the Cotton, Gator, Holiday, Quick Lane, Pinstripe, Red Box, and Rose Bowls based on the following very silly premise - if you had to go back in time and convince 2009 you that this was the 2019 national championship game, what tale would you spin to make that sound convincing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast! Hit it! Cha-cha-cha! That's our theme music for this week, played live on a recorder by Holly. Holly, what is your musical training background? This is actually really embarrassing. Do you really want me to tell them? Yeah, I do.

I do. Okay, I was a competitive piano player as a child. I took eight years of flute lessons and was an All-State Orchestra for several years. That's awesome. This isn't embarrassing. That's fine. And I also played the viola. I still play the piano for fun.

And I picked up the recorder just to see what would happen. Nothing good is the answer. I don't think that's embarrassing. Nothing you do as a teen is like not, not embarrassing. Oh, it's not embarrassing. I have a really good time playing music as a teen. It's just really funny that I can't play their recorder. Oh, I got you. Okay. I do know that Alex McDaniel is also a classically trained floutist. But us and Lizzo. Yeah, that's just one more thing we all have in common. But she's too cowardly to send us her own shutdown full cast theme. Yeah. I don't even have. See, I don't have actual instruments in my home except for the piano. Like, my flutes are all packed away at my parents' house. But I did buy this recorder after spotting it at a guitar center during an emergency gear run right before our Charlotte show.

Spencer, what is your musical background, if any? My musical background. You're in band, so yeah. I did. I played trumpet for, I think, since fourth grade. Okay. Yeah, I played trumpet since fourth grade. And then played...

I'm trying to remember what it was called. called in Tennessee that thing where we all had to go to the hotel and live and just play in band for junior clinic something like that and then senior clinic yeah I was in that thing I was in marching band and I played French horn if we got you a trumpet like next week do you can play a trumpet do you think you could bang out the forecast theme on it yeah I do this is such a small office I would much rather I'd much rather play it on a sousaphone yeah if that's an option sure can we get that because I can play that too damn it jason what is your musical background uh i was in various um loud punk metal rage against the machine

you were in christian ska bands no no we know this about you no that that part is not not accurate don't listen to her she's making things up right now what what was your role in these bands Hollering. So, no, I can't, I can't give you any instrumentation. I can, I can, I can finger drum. Yep. So. I think you have actually, did you use a voice box?

No. Did you do a natural, did you get the grit naturally? No, I did not use a voice box and thus was not booed off stage. Right. So you did the, so I think that's actually, I think that's one of the most difficult forms of singing is death metal singing, right? Any kind of. like that's a real skill definitely emphasis on the difficult

um i'm not saying it's good or worthwhile well just saying it's really hard to do yes difficult and hard yeah as far as skill i don't know but definitely hard it's a difficult thing i don't know if i'd call it the main thing is you know they they tell you sing from your sing from your diaphragm and all that and that applies when you're

when you're shouting and screaming as well because if you are singing from your throat and what you're doing instead of singing is as you are like doing some sort of hell growl you're just shredding your throat but you can get away with it if you're doing it from your lungs I never figured out how to do that so I would just you know hey I had band practice four days ago what are you doing nothing but pointer sister songs it's really wild actually jump for my love come br. Ryan, do you have any musical background whatsoever? I have no musical training whatsoever. I can play like some stuff on the piano by ear, but I can't read music. I've never learned how

to play any, uh, any instrument. Uh, the best I can do, uh, I was the lead antagonist in our middle school musical, which was an unlicensed knockoff of little shop of horrors. Um, and I, if you still have Napster and you know the right terms to find you can probably find a homemade rap song that I appeared on in high school The search begins

Friends of Ryan Contact us We are going to find this So here's the problem As I recall I think it was put on The put on Limewire or Napster

or whatever within intentionally misleading like unreleased Eminem versus Biggie versus KRS1 freestyle battle like not people people listened and they were like this is definitely reflective of the quality contained they're in they listen to it and they're like this flames yeah oh my god I'm gonna change my whole life because I listened to this so don't worry did you rap about

I'm not I'm not giving you any more details do you think I'm insane It was Carousel, wasn't it? Is that an honest question? We were just talking about Carousel. Anyway. Look at these clams. Look at them. Look at them clams.

Look at them clams. We're here to talk about the 40 for 40 bowl previews. I actually really want to tell the clam story now. 40 for 40 bowl previews. All clams, no filler. Before we do that, we have podcast business. Podcast business Podcast business

What's that business Podcast business Podcast business Better move now Cause it's got a gun Oh my God It's got a gun So first of all

Not not podcast business person I got there Man I'm surprised Jason's even on the show It isn't out partying After his son won the Heisman Well We got a lot of work to do

A lot to get done We don't want to rest on our laurels. That's a word you only use if you're an upset football dad whose kid has won something. You say laurels. You also say press clippings,

something that doesn't exist in any other contexts. Yeah. I clip out the tweets from my screen. I cut them out and I buy a new computer each night. I have hundreds of laptops and iPads nailed to the wall.

And I put them on my bulletin board, which is the thing I still have. It's full of material. That's right. Hats. The actual podcast business, that's right, is hats. Specifically, cowbucker hats, if you go to cowbucker.com and you search, I'm assuming, Banner Society. I haven't done this before, so it's happening in real time.

Let's find out. Cowbucker, don't let me down. Yep, there they are. If you search Banner Society on cowbucker.com, you will see, Count them for hats for purchase. There's the Banner Society B, which is just, you know, good-looking, normal, sane. There's the PAPN hat, which looks either like a sort of third-party federal agency hat, like the FDNY shirt you get for somebody who's like, you've never fought a fire in your life, sir or ma'am.

or it kind of looks like the hat they like if you squint it sort of looks like a bad diehard sequel title i think it kind of looks like one of those 1991 hype hats right oh that's good like like you could just alter it slightly so it says peppa yeah can i also point out that there are more than just four hats because if you'll go to the Cowbucker website, you will see that each hat says things like the Banner Society Collection. Each of these types of hats is available in

several different color ways. That's true, yes, yes. These are just sort of The hats are multiplying. The base models. The hats are multiplying before our very eyes. We had Twitter user, hello, spelled the LSU way Newman, asked Cowbucker the other night for a Banner

Society or a Sacktime hat in LSU colors, and they had it up on the site in minutes. And now it's there, yeah. Sack time is one of the other, one of the options here. Right now it comes in Michigan colors, R blue and white, and LSU, purple, and gold. And then probably, probably the, like, the sneaky best pick of them all is the hat with 25 snake emojis on it. Oh, an extremely classy hat, if I may say so myself.

The one that I have actually considered wearing, even though with any baseball type cap or trucker type cap, I look like an enormous disturbed fourth grader. Somebody did point out that this should come with one of the snakes should be like Velcro so that you can move it and replace it if you want. I want a 3D leather steak. I think they can make that happen for you. I have heard that they can. Um, so those, if you order by December 19th, some parts, some hats on the site say December 20th. I wouldn't chance it. December 19th, if you get your order in, they will ship your, they will ship your order. Uh, priority mail, it will get there by Christmas. What better way to tell someone you love them than by giving them a hat that says sack time. Sack time. I mean, kind of, right? I think the best way to do this is to give it to somebody who has never listened to our podcast doesn't even like college football. Just give it to them and film their reaction and send it to us, please.

Buddy, it's December. We don't like college football. It's an invitation to join someone in the bedroom, right? Wow. It's kind of true. Going to sleep. VATTS. Yeah.

Right. Also, please, if any... It's time to rest. If anyone listening to this is planning on committing a robbery on camera, by all means, wear one of these. Free promo for us. What is Santa Carrey Toys in? Exactly.

A bindle? A backpack. It's not a bindle. He's duffel, duffel bag. Santa's just a roof hobo. It's a sack. It's a sack. A wandering chimney hobo.

Christmas is literally sack time. Ho, ho, ho! It's sack time. The Fall of Rome. Sack time! Yeah, you can't top the Vizagoths for sacks. You really can't. It's like Deacon Jones, 14th place. 13 through 1, all various visigoths. On this episode, we're going to be previewing seven bowl games of...

Oh, it's going to be. 40 for 40. Where's my? 40. 40. 40. Every time she does that, I feel like I just failed a King's Quest game. You die. Damn it, Graham.

I would say these games are a varying prominence and importance, but that doesn't matter. So the first time around we did the pre-Christmas bowls. That is a clear, consistent theme. Easy to define. You look at a calendar, time flows in one direction, at least as far as humans can perceive it. So those games were easy to group. Unless you're Zelda. Unless you are Dr. Manhattan, formerly human.

He's not even licensed. He doesn't know a damn thing about college football. Then later on, we do have groups of bowls that also, they have specific things in common. What do today's bowl games have in common? They have in common that they have nothing in common. I have labeled these the grab bag bowls, and Ryan has actually found a way to talk about these games. So at first blush, you can look at some of these games and say,

huh, there are some interesting matchups on here that in a different timeline, these could have been very high stakes games. The Rose Bowl is on here with Oregon, Wisconsin. Even a game, even the Cotton Bowl with Memphis and Penn State, it's like, yeah, that probably wasn't the most likely playoff matchup, but it wasn't an impossible one. Not all of the games are going to do fit that, but that's the game we're going to play today

is we're going to go through these bowls, and we are going to try to convince our 2009 selves that the game we are describing is actually the national championship in 2019. Because we've got to entertain ourselves somehow. Yes. So, Holly, you get to go first with the Cotton Bowl. Oh, gross.

Pretend you're talking to 2009, you, and explain how in 2019, Penn State is playing Memphis for the national title. Okay, so first of all, I feel obligated to address the setting. The way to get here, the path to this bit of history, is via realignment. The Big Ten has 12 teams. The Big 12 has 10. Missouri is in the goddamn SEC for some reason. Of course, we're not playing the Cotton Bowl in the Cotton Bowl. Bowl anymore. The enormous television screen in the stadium can be explained and should be

explained in actual reality as a very shiny symptom of our species slide towards a future best described in Wally. As for our competitors, Penn State, it's 2009. I have just witnessed Lane Kiffin turned Jonathan Crompton into a draftable NFL quarterback and then bail on his own press conference to head to USC. I am in a very susceptible place to believe good things are happening to people I deeply dislike. Of course, James Franklin is at this time, if I recall correctly, Ralph Fregeon's head coach in waiting, but I trust me. Memphis is even easier. Tell me Memphis join the SEC in the coming wave of realignment and that Steve Spurrier used tricks he learned at the South Carolina State Legislature to keep USC and Clemson in separate

conferences to lobby for Memphis to join the SEC in place of Missouri, placing a third team and in-state media market in the same state as Tennessee, and shifting Tennessee's recruiting focus to the defensive and towards the West. I still will not be able to find it in my heart to truly resent him, but again, I trust me. It is it is easier. to buy that like in 2009 it's easily it's easier to buy Memphis in the SEC than Missouri yes um can I just say that in 2019 that is still the case for me that's fine this is also fine wow um okay Spencer you get us you get a little bit of a harder one I do I do because I am I am tasked with the Gator Bowl presenting the

2020 Gator Bowl, which is the Indiana Hoosiers versus the Tennessee Volunteers to 2009 Me, who has just watched Indiana struggle to another very Indiana-ish season and watched Tennessee endure an up and down first year under head coach Lane Kiffin. It's not as, it's, I'm going to tell you this. It's a long hike. it's not impassable okay because tennessee tennessee's actually pretty easy all right because lane kiffin coming out of year one forget a lot of things that you know about lane kiffin now or how it goes in 2009 lane kiffin is coming off of a thunderous entry a tumultuous year on the field where they

almost beat eventual national title alabama in a 1210 struggle interrupted only by terence cody blocking a couple of kicks. As mentioned by Holly, Jonathan Crompton has an excellent season. Testimony to testimony to Lane Kiffin's powers as a QB whisperer and potential magnet for talent under center. By the way, a demonstrated magnet for talent across the field because Tennessee pulls the number eight recruiting class in the country. Remember, they've got Jans and Jackson and Bryce Brown and David O'Keece Richardson. It's going to be fine. it's going to be good and it potentially could be great and if you told me in 2009 i should have taken this game just to prevent you from taking this game i kind of figured you would to be honest if you told me hey this cocky bastard he's going to actually get tennessee someplace where in 2019 they end up in a national title game i might believe you it's not an insane thing to consider right also we didn't know lane kiffin was lane kiffin right you didn't know that was going to happen we had a pretty good idea yes we did you didn't know

he was you didn't know he was no the 2009 season is over we have an idea yeah but we also we also had you have to remember part of it was we we had filtered a lot of it through al davis so we were like al davis is a crazy man yeah also this he he leaves he leaves for usc in early 2010 right he leaves in January. So we don't know all that stuff yet. We just know that, ah, it was up, it was down. He said a lot of crazy fun stuff. They got a lot of talent in the pipeline.

They're an SEC team. It's not an impossible bit, right? In 2009, you would have really believed that every SEC team, shy of Vanderbilt, was capable of winning a national title. That's how high on their own supply. I would not have believed that about Kentucky. No, I think you're remembering this a little suddenly. And I don't think I would have believed that about Mississippi State in 2009.

Arkansas, Jesus. Or Ole Miss. Old Miss. Yeah. Other than that. Or Georgia. Other than all of those cases. Yeah, Georgia just lost to Jonathan Crompton, by the way.

Other than all of those cases, I'm totally right. Jonathan Crompton threw like 9,000 passes against Georgia. It looks great. That's awesome. Do you know, so I'm honestly more concerned about the other side. This is your occasional reminder that Lane Kiffin is undefeated all time versus Mark Richt. I have to prove to 2,000. 2009 me that Indiana makes a national title game.

So do you know what Indiana's record was in 2009? They were four and seven? Do you know how many points they lost the Virginia by? They lost to Virginia by, I believe, 37 points. Do I have that right? So that's more. Yeah, it's 40 points, I'm pretty sure. 40 points, yeah, okay.

Okay, so I do know how many points. I do know how many points they lost to Wisconsin, ranked Wisconsin. by. They lost to Wisconsin by three. They lost to Northwestern by one. And they lost to Ballyhooed Power of the Conference, Michigan by three points. Which Michigan team? Never mind.

A Michigan team. A Michigan team. Okay. And I know that it is a long walk, but one can get there if one connects enough dots. And those dots, while not close, are not so

distant as to be impossibly reached. okay because we are working back up under bill lynch who has i think four games within a single score that could have gone the other way could have taken them to an eight win team if i told you an eight win indiana team you would assume some mystical magical things were happening and that may be an extension further into the stratosphere if nine or ten wins might not be completely insane please note my phrasing i didn't say realistic i just said you can see it from here but the air is real thin and I don't have enough oxygen to get there because I'm Indiana, right? I'm used to being a...

Also, you got a real big head. I got a real big head. It needs a lot of oxygen to feed it, right? What size fitted hat do you wear, by the way? Seven and five, eights. Okay. Seven and five. I said it was closer to eight.

I thought it was like eight and a quarter. I think it's like a nine. You know, a cowboy hat is closer to eight. Because Jason and I were talking about this. I mentioned the time I tried We were talking about hats And for whatever reason We were talking about big hats

And I mentioned the time I tried on Spencer's cowboy hat And realized I'd stepped into a whole new world of big hats Like it comes down around your ears Yeah Yeah the cowboy hat has to be a little larger I'm not real sure what it is about cowboy fit But it's closer to an eight all right Okay, okay sorry please continue

So Indiana like me The large headed the large headed Oxygen-starred, huge head that can see where it wants to go, but can't quite get there. Now, if I told you, too, that the future in 2009, for every power in the Big Ten was looking rocky, looking vague, looking kind of unknown, and looking like maybe there'd be a lane of opportunity for a moonshot of an Indiana team to sneak in there, it's there. We're hitting toward the end of the trestle era, where things are getting kind of stale at Ohio state. We're hitting Michigan in trouble. You're hitting Penn State, you know, in kind of

a transitional state, if you will. Right. And there's Wisconsin who Wisconsin under Brett Bilema, while solid, not exactly, not exactly a complete given in terms of dynastic potential there. In other words, the Big Ten is a complete mess. And one year of variance at the high end could put Indiana in the catbird seat. So I'm not, I'm not saying. saying it's easy. I'm not saying Bill Lynch in Indiana can't get there without some serious luck. I'm also not saying

given the landscape in 2009 not completely impossible. There's one of the wrinkle in your favor. You can convince 2009 you that the Big Ten, because they're so tradition obsessed, in 2019, still doesn't have a conference championship

game. And therefore, Indiana through a combination of scheduling luck and close wins, won the Big Ten with some tiebreaker horse shit and made it to the national championship. And or there is like a, they had some sort of repeat Rose Bowl rule and like, shit, Indiana hasn't been in forever.

They have to go. I was also going to say that, bro, there's one problem with your math because you said Indiana was going to dot eyes and that's our thing, bro. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. So, can I tell you? Is she going to play it on the recorder?

Can I tell you? Talk about the bus. I don't know how. What are these notes? I think just go as loud as you can. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Go ahead, Spencer. No, don't do the song. No, I won't do the song. Why would I do that? That'd be awful if somebody actually pulled the song up. Now, I will... Yeah! Woo!

Indiana! Gotta do a title game! Because we... We were on probation for all kinds of stuff, like tattoos and cash, and tattoos made of cash. The Bucks! Indiana, you owe us. That's our title. Like the Heisman with Joe Burroughs.

That's a book. He's a book guy for life. That's it. I like that. I like that Ryan Day went to the Heisman ceremony looking like Santa's Las Vegas enforcer. He cut his ceiling as a fashion person is kind of right at Haunted doll. Yes. Anyway.

Yeah. So that's, yeah, that's a rough moment. I can't believe you're just disrespecting Ryan Day like this after we've talked about the buck so much. Oh, did we? Sorry. Yeah. Also, that's my other key here is that, yeah, maybe a couple people got on probation. Let's keep it real, Indiana.

How are you going to get into a national title game out of the Big Ten? You're going to need somebody to get in trouble. You'll need a school that's enough of a toadying, like, bootlick to power as Ohio State who will say, oh, NCAA, we're real sorry about that cash. We'll cooperate with your investigation because the police are always right. The police are troops. The police are troops, and we respect troops. Yeah, they have very similar outfits. They couldn't call them state troopers if they're not troops.

We want to play games the right way. Yep. Meanwhile, Indiana do crime. Indiana totally do crime, please. Okay, I get USC Iowa. Are we doing the Holiday Bowl song? I mean, I didn't prepare this, are you vamping so I can pull it up

I'm waiting for you to let come in you know I found out long ago it's a long way down to the holiday bowl holiday ball holiday ball Oh, that felt good. It just felt wrong, not to. They're doing it again?

This music video has a typewriter. Oh, it's very disturbing. Yeah. Oh, God, his eyes. Just think your advertisement could be right here. If you've ever seen, if you've never seen the music video to that, don't. It's very disturbing. That was singularly disturbing.

Please, take us away for the Holiday Bowl here. The Holiday Bowl this year is USC, Iowa, which is not like a huge stretch to come up with as a national championship game. it will be funny if 2019 me goes back until 2009 me like hey one of these teams has gotten very close to a playoff appearance guess which one it was

but I won't I won't do that instead I will tell 2009 me that this is what happened to USC so 09 is Pete Carroll's last year in Southern California but

this is what I'm going to change. The NCAA investigation into Reggie Bush and all other inducements happening at USC actually doesn't result in any penalties for USC. To the contrary, it goes the other way and it becomes the case where the NCAA looks upon itself and decides, you know what, this is all ridiculous. We're going to kill amateurism. We're going to make recruiting an open market. That means Pete Carroll stays at USC. because obviously he and his crew have a head start on how to do this whole thing. They continue crushing it. They continue dominating the Pac-12 and being a national power.

No surprise there. But this is actually much better for the Iowa Hawkeyes. Now, at this point, they're already winning like eight to ten games a year consistently. Now they start taking farm subsidy money to lure in recruits. and Kirk Ferrence takes a hard, hard left turn. He becomes incredibly flashy. He starts referring to himself as the Silo Sultan and Big Daddy Grain. He openly tries to bribe referees mid-game.

See, this is why I didn't want to go first. He drinks champagne after turnovers. And nobody can do anything because America loves him. But sadly, after the 2018 season, he dies on the operating table after, asking a doctor to replace all of his bodily fluids with liquefied platinum so he could, quote, bleed rich. Motivated to honor his memory, Iowa goes undefeated and faces USC in the national championship game. By the way, I want to point out that if Kirk Ferrence had died then, if he really had passed, and we're glad he didn't, of course, because he's still with us and we value all life.

All life? No. but Kirk Ferrence if he had passed away after the 2003 season really would have only had one more half conference championship than he does now because remember yeah Kirk Ferrence won a half of he won a piece of a big 10 conference title in 2004 and then they just started signed just started throwing him money and you know you know what you've gotten since then nothing They want some outback

They have a bronze pig most of the time I can buy you a bronze pig for less than four million a year I want a bronze pig now Can I have one? Let's get one and share it I'll only give you a bronze pig for three million a year Iowa Pass it back and forth among each other like our own rivalry Yeah, whoever is

Most dominant on the podcast I don't know how you I would actually I would actually love if Godfrey and Jason's changed the chicken bet To their own personal Floyd That's a good idea We're just going to get a big bronze chicken

Starting in 2005 Every year I could have gone in And Riverside Iowa for a mortgage payment On the Big Ten title game and come out of winter For 15 years We can also surprise him with this chicken because there's no way he's listening. 15 years. Surprise chicken.

Who doesn't love that? You know the Janet Jackson song? What have you done for me lately when she's like, now it seems your dancing shoes are always on my couch? Kirk Ferrence's tenure at Iowa is, what if I liked that? And I were Janet Jackson. I want you to know this is really hurting the chances that we'll be able to sell the big daddy grain shirts that I've designed. So thanks for that. I think with Kirk, it's more like, what?

haven't I not done for you, right? He hasn't gone four and eight. It's true. I also like, Ryan, your scenario here where Pete stays. This means Lane is stuck at Tennessee for a long time. Oh, no, he takes the Seahawks job. Okay. Oh, thank God I was going to say.

We're going to get the death penalty. Because he takes the Seahawks job. So the NFL is like, yep, one year, good enough. Give him another shot. That's right. He takes the Seahawks job. The Seahogs beat the Patriots in that Super Bowl. It's so shameful for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick that they both retire and refuse to publicly comment ever again.

And the NFL becomes a like kind of a wonderland. Like it's a copycat League and they all copy Lane. That's right. They're all looking for, everyone's looking for their own Lane Kiffin. And they usually are looking somewhere near a ski ball machine. I want to get your Lanes kift. Oh, God. The Rams moved to Fresno.

It's the cradle, the Motherland. That could still happen. Yeah, let's not count that out. Actually, the Chargers would move to Fresno. Yeah, the Chargers could move anywhere. Montgomery. Jason, you have the hardest one on this list. Yeah, you have the hardest one on this list.

Yes, I have claimed the biggest challenge. We're going to start with the easiest element here. I'll break it down piece by piece. the likeliest national child participant here is ford field in Detroit yeah host of the quick lane ball at the time it was the Papa Johns Bowl RIP uh newly opened Super Bowl WrestleMania Final 4 I'm so mad it's not the Papa John's bowl now because then they could do a 40 pizzas and 30 days challenge ah shit you know who can we can

the Bible that is that is the correct in interjection at the beginning of that Jason oh shit yeah well but we do it there is pizza related trauma associated with this bowl because recall it for years the only pizza available inside the little caesar's bowl was hungry howies right your digestive tract would be a godforsaken wasteland after 40 pizzas 30 days that's an interesting choice to use the subjunctive there spencer can we talk about that sure the thing that i um remain unclear about of this claim Papa John made on local television to a news anchor for no reason whatsoever when he wasn't required to just a display of dominance so there are a couple things at work here one do you think it's possible that Papa John was like mm shouldn't tell the truth

dial it down to 40 and the true number is somewhere north of that second if you believe he was telling the truth what was the spread do you think these were like evenly divided into one point however many pizzas, you know, two pizzas every three days or whatever, or do you think he, these were like in fits and starts, it was like one insane bender? Yeah, like high intensity interval training, but for pizza in your body. Mm-hmm. Do you think he was like, eight pizzas today? Oh, I got to sleep.

Six pizzas in three days. So high-intensity interval training, H-I-I-T, you just add an S at the front of that. That's what he did. I really think that after this many years of this much personal quality control and pizza that John Schnatter can do unnatural things with his gastrointestinal tract, I think he can just eat a pizza.

I think that's just, I don't know if you have a food that you have an unusual capacity for. I think everyone does, right, when they say, oh, don't leave those around me, I'll eat the whole box. It's usually not a joke.

It's usually because that person knows, yeah, my body for some reason can eat a zillion ranch flavored like crackers or whatever, right? Sure. Yeah. Tacitos. Yeah, like what's that for you, Ryan? What's the one thing that you go? I just, I can house it no matter what it is.

This is, this is very, this is very dumb. Little dove ice cream bars. Yeah, you can eat like 20 of them, right? Yeah, I can eat a whole box. No problem. I don't know what those are. they're just little like you can just get them at Publix or whatever they're just little like it's kind of like a fun sized sized candy bar but it's got ice cream and chocolate oh that sounds extraordinarily

dangerous yeah you could just house like 30 of them no problem yeah Jason do you have a something that you go yeah I can just eat like a pound of those and it doesn't do anything um yeah I'll often do a whole pizza yeah okay so I mean not often often but you know fitness pizza his mouth. As often as possible. Heart smart. Yep. And then go for a walk. That'll fix it.

That'll show you, Buster. For me, it's cake. I can eat an embarrassing. No, I can eat like, my mom once ate, my mom once put a whole sheet cake out. Like, oh, hey, I'm making a sheet cake for a party. And I was 14 and discovered the superpower of mine.

Jesus. I can eat. I can just eat. And it doesn't dent me. I don't get that feeling of, oh, man, my blood sugar is just racing. I need to go lay down. You're such a St. Bernard. I have an, no, absolutely. If you leave it out, I'm like, I'm going to eat the whole thing.

I'm not even going to feel bad for it because I'm like, you should have known. Spencer's got a cake glow about him. What if Beethoven got into social media? That would rule, first of all. Ryan, you're just Charles Groden chasing behind me. No! No! Oh, shit.

huge 90s Charles Grodden energy out of Ryan Oh no Can't believe you ate this whole sheet kit You started it

I want you to know this is the worst I've ever felt on this podcast I don't believe that Charles Grodden was a star He was in the Muppick

The Great Muppet Camper Why is Beethoven trying to mall John Popper A blues traveler Beethoven Learned to speak

and he's talking to John Popper about his dick Yeah that's cake I can down I can, like, if you put down an entire red velvet cake in front of me, like, I mean, a frosted two-tier red velvet cake. Yo, Charles Broden is 84.

It's going to be gone, y'all. I think we found our Twitch programming. Spencer eats cake. That's the name of the show. Eting, like, you put this like... SCC! S-C! You know how you're supposed to, like, keep some wedding cake or, like, only get one slice of wet.

Nope. Nope. No. I ate the wedding. I ate the wedding cake. I didn't, so when I, I didn't have cake at my wedding, you must have been furious. No, but you had at least a fun disease story associated with your wedding. Yeah, I'll bring, no, I'll bring my own.

Like, what's your, what's your plus one? This cake? Spencer's got a flask full of cake. Just like a little squeeze bottle of frosting that he just. I went to the Kentucky, I went to like. This is an IV of cake. I went to a real fancy Kentucky Derby party once, and DMC was there, like Daryl McDaniel for on DMC.

and he was eating pedophores and Daryl McDaniel We work performer DMC Yes And DMC And it was like the nicest guy And we talked about how good

PettyFors were And I know he's a really nice dude Because he watched me eat like 12 Petty Fores off of this thing And he didn't say anything He didn't say like And I was eating in a Like the New England Patriots

Offensive line was in the room And people were looking at me Like that guy could put it away They probably thought you were in a When it comes to cake, I am. It's a petty 40. I'm now picturing like an alternative version of hot ones, but instead of a celebrity eating wings, it's a celebrity being interviewed by Spencer and seeing how long they can watch him eat cake.

Yeah, they tap out after like two. They're not, they're not, no, this celebrity never gets any cake. They're just watching Spencer eat cake. They're eating a salad while Spencer takes down. 10 cakes. No, I really have like a bear. You know, when they say, what do bears eat when they break into places? You know, they're like, man, a bear could drink like 32 beers and it doesn't even affect it.

That's me. Beer doesn't really get me drunk. I can drink like 30 beers and it doesn't really affect me. They're like, man, the bear, the bear totally trashed and ate like this entire bakery full of cake. Relatable. You know who else eats a whole cake is a sim. That's right. I sit there

I increase my charisma by talking in the mirror very confidently and I stuff myself with 28 cakes No you don't Yeah And then he pisses on the floor

And then someone puts four couches around me And I die He dies in a swimming pool And I die in a swimming pool And somebody is going to die in a swimming pool You sound so happy about that Yeah Just throw me cake, I'll be fine

So Detroit We can get you that part We can get this title game in Detroit. That's plausible. No problem there. That's... He just stopped! No!

What happened? He just stole my drink. Oh. I thought it was going to be... I swore it was going to be... So, how he, like, materialized a cake. Yeah, I was hoping... You had your own drink.

I was hoping... He opened, like, a dresser drawer, and pulled that a cake. No, he just ate... No, he cashed his own drink, reached across, and just took mine. We'll just do this at the next live show. bag on the table, you hear the... A bag on the table and you hear the zip. No, Spencer, you're joking, but I promise you,

somebody's going to bring at a minimum a slice of cake to the next live show and you will eat it on stage. It's gone. There's absolutely no chance. I am not housing that live on the show. Yeah, great, great. So we're putting a title game in Detroit. We'll have pizza, we'll have cake.

The kids will love it. I was going to say, is this a laser tag birthday party? I went to Saskatchewan tonight, an entire bakery, bricks and all. Next step on the degree of difficulty is 2009 Pitt. If you look at 2009 pit, do you see a future national champion? Here is the argument that you do. You see a team that went in this season, a missed P.A.T. Against a really good Cincinnati, a 43-yard field goal at the buzzer against West Virginia,

and a Russell Wilson touchdown away from going. undefeated and finishing in the top four. They had gone nine and four the year prior. They had beaten number two West Virginia the year prior to that. This is a good program at this point, and they're in a conference where they're going to get a lot of quality wins. They are averaging their highest recruiting rankings four-year run ever. They're averaging a top 25 class for, you know, for some schools that's bad. For Pitt, that's great. Pit'll take that. You have the stability of a Dave Wonstat regime, regime going on. I look back at time. I tried to find the first ever person who tweeted a Dave Wonstadt looks like joke. I found this from user the C3

network in 2009. This is the very first ever. Quote, watching weekend at Bernies. Does anyone else think Bernie looks like Dave Wonstadt? I, I'm not white enough to have watched this movie, but I understand Bernie is the dead guy. That's correct. I've watched this movie repeatedly. Yes, he does resemble Dave Wanstead. Okay. But despite being a dead guy,

Dave Wanstatt can lead a fucking program, pal, to the national championship at any point in the following decade. Pitt was ninth in the BCS rankings at one point this year. Yeah. Sure. God damn.

Yeah. The Big East was a, it was kind of a housing bubble. Isn't that like we're used to, UCF topped out? I don't even think they got that. Oh, they let them up at eight that one time. Okay, that's good to know.

But yeah, right around there. Yeah, this was the year that Cincinnati was number three. Yeah. And like, if Mack Brown hadn't been a time lord, Cincinnati might have gone to the national title game and lost by 50 billion points. But, yeah. Also, also in this coaching staff,

you have future Boston College head coach, Jeff Hathley. future 1-0 pit interim coach Phil Bennett this is a loaded group so all right here is the hard part in the 2019 quick lane bowl pit is facing eastern Michigan um and I have to get eastern Michigan into a national title game and do it against Pitt so Ryan when I was reading the stipulations yes I noticed a word was missing in what you wrote down you stipulated I have to get these two schools to a title game did not specify football. Oh, I was going to say, I didn't say FBS. So if you're saying Pitt drops down and so does EMU.

That would be, that would be too easy. We're going to even more difficult. Okay, good. So EMU's best sports are its Mac dynasties in men's swimming and men's track. Meanwhile, Pitt has made swimming nationals six times in, or had six times in that. decade so not the most impossible thing in the world both teams made the the 2018 volleyball tournament and dave wants that has amazing swim coach energy oh i bet i bet that mustache looks great soaking wet if you told me dave wants that was wearing swim trunks at all times like those guys who

wear basketball shorts under their clothes all the time yes i would 100% believe you does he wear swim trunks under his basketball? ball shorts under his khakis and under that is a wrestling singlet that's correct that's speaking of wrestling pit wrestling is uh has typically been a top 20 or so program um and uh emu has uh has cut wrestling or so you thought here they come from the rafters cash in the briefcase wow that's that works in wrestling yep uh emu's last national title was the 2005 heptathlon by Layla Nelson. Pitt cannot really compare to that.

I say we just see what James Conner can do in the heptathlon. They have both finished in the top two in club roller hockey. And Pitt is number one in the nation in cities that would most like a factory-themed football field with a cinder block entrance. And EMU already has one.

That's true. So they are one and two in those rankings. Doesn't EMU also have the dick building? Yeah, so we hear. I actually, didn't we learn they have multiple dick buildings? Yeah, we, I thought I had identified the dick building, and we got multiple tweets that were like, no, the other one. And meanwhile, Pitt also has a large, a large phallet building on campus. I don't know what's happened.

Did Ollie just delete the episode we're recording right now? No, no. Ollie is recklessly, recklessly soaring through full cast themes. I thought we had one left. she's like that was like I've seen enough I'm still rolling I'm still rolling through the phrase I'm Dave no go ahead Holly just played us off like it's the fucking Oscars

I'm Dave Wonstead and I'm a swim corch swim coach you gotta work on your brush direct your birder fly Okay, here's one to try. 400 meter relay. 400 meter relay. Come on down to the Perseburg Aquatic Center.

For the swim bird. I call it the 400 beeper. Jesus Christ. Going to get you ready for this swim with this hot press sandwich. It's a swim with mustard. Put a whole pizza in there. The Pittsburgh swimwiches. Papa Jern says he had 40 pizzas in 30 days

Me, that's a slow February Oh, he's trying to make wait for wrestling season You put the pizzas in the singlet Like that The part of this that I believe most Is that A, Dave Wonstack coached every sport at Pitt In 2009 And the part that I left

best is that by suggesting that Pitt would be in a national championship in wrestling, Jason has stumbled upon the part of this podcast that will accidentally make Penn State fans the maddest. So good job. Sure, sure. Yeah, I said it. The Pennstrike Bowl is up next. It's mine. It involves Michigan State and Wake Forest.

So there are two coaching changes I'm going to make happen that didn't have. happened. 2009, Michigan State, you didn't have a, a great year under Mark Antonio in his third or fourth season or something like that. So Mama came Colin for who? That's right. Ty Willingham. Recently, uh, graduate of Michigan State, recently relieved of duties at Washington. 2009 Wake Forest, you are in, I believe, year seven of the Jim Grobe experiment. Uh, you get over that shit as well, and you go out and you find a hot name that has just hit the market, you hire Philip Fulmer.

These two, they get to these programs and they take their time. It's a slow building process. These are schools that are willing to be patient. They're not expecting big results right away. But the truth is, they are both secretly working on something else, revenge. They spend the next eight or so years helping the end. FBI build an airtight corruption case against the shoe companies and college athletics, not just basketball, but football and even golf. And at the end of it, the NCAA is forced to put every

school on probation, except to the ones led by brave undercover agents, Ty Willingham, and Phil Fulmer. Now, they have a problem. They have nowhere to play the national championship game because they're all college football or pro football stadiums. Who comes to the rescue? The New York Yankees. And that is how we get a 2019 national championship in the Yankee Stadium featuring the Michigan State Spartans and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Horrifying.

This is the only way I could get there. Holly, you get to do the Red Pox Bowl now. Man, I guess. So let's roll back and address the terrible, terrible setting once again. It's easy to see why the Red Box Bowl could take over as title game. In my scenario, by the way, the Red Box Bowl is, it's not just a Cal, Illinois National Championship game. It's being played as the Red Box Bowl. But it's easy to see why that could happen.

It is played in Santa Clara in Levi's Stadium, famously decried by us. as the world's largest outdoor Old Navy outlet store, but without the charm. And it's sponsored fittingly by Redbox, a company that, like Levi Stadium, wants you to have sad, lonely evenings without interacting with anybody. And both experiences also remind you

that you really could be home streaming Geostorm instead. Geostorm? What's wrong with Geostorm? No, no, you're right. No, I'm excited. I usually am. Thank you. All right.

In Cal, in 2009, we were probably still using total offense as a stat. So tell me the history of, tell 2009 me the history of the past decade of Cal Football exactly as it happened. And then tell me that them and Illinois are 117th and 119th nationally in yards per game this year. Remember, it's 2009. I will believe total offense. Tell me there was a slow.

sludgy decline towards this sort of football since the Bama LSU title game and that this is the devolutionary result. As far as Illinois, look, recount the history of Illinois football exactly as it happened and then show me Lovey's beard. Tell me, Kurt Ference is still at Iowa, show me that Lovey looks like some sort of pre-apocalyptic profit right now, and I'll believe anything. And I've also just realized you could convince me that this is now the Rose Bowl because when you tell me what else is going on in 2019 it will be easier than anything to believe in any other dystopian scenario you want to throw at me

including the Rose Bowl being torn down and the Red Box Bowl being the Rose Box Bowl now Yeah Yeah this got dark didn't it Congratulations, winter is bad and it's here Go Illinois football Sure I think that leaves

I'm trying to see Oh a small bowl Called the Rose Bowl for Spencer Which has just been destroyed Which doesn't exist in Holly's timeline No fate but no fate but that which we make so Yeah no we're taking it back Pasadena's thriving my friend

In my timeline So you have actually probably the easiest task now I do I have the easiest one And also, might I say, despite the ease, one of the richest comic potentials of any of them. Just like Beethoven. Just like Beethoven. Speaking of big old dogs. Speaking of great David Dekovney movies.

Brett Bilema. Hashtag not my groan. Brett Bilema, the movie. Because I have to tell someone in 2009 that Wisconsin catches a couple of breaks, which I think, Wisconsin would have to catch because if I tell you Wisconsin's a 10-win team, nobody flinches. If I tell you Wisconsin is a 12-win team, some eyebrows go up. But it's still possible because Brett Bailom is showing real signs of progress as a head coach in 2009. Arkansas hasn't happened yet.

Wisconsin is doing exactly the same thing that they've always done and that they still do. They run the daylights out of the ball. They have a bunch of fat guys on every single corner. of that line and they just try to like plow people into the turf and if i told you hey you know coming out of the big ten they catch a couple of breaks and they end up in a national title game in 2019 with the august and well entrenched and i say well entrenched as in a giant piece of artillery buried in the earth as he should be bret be lemma the man canon of all man canaan sitting there in madison wisconsin fire in his fire in his volleys all over the big ten and decimate his enemies yeah

yuck it's this gross did it got way grosser than i want it's so cheesy it's just big just big bertha fired wheels and cheese everywhere at 10,000 meters a second toward the enemy yeah that's i'm just picturing the final boss in super mario too if you bounce on bret belemus head three times you'll receive three moons yeah this is this is plausible because we just in order to make this happen theoretically you say Brett Bilema is Barry Alvarez Part 2 right Barry Alvarez barrier that's really what this is and that's not I think too hard to imagine neither by the way is the opposing side of this Rose Bowl this 2020 Rose Bowl that's gonna happen because that's the Oregon Ducks and

in 2009 and they were in an even better spot and Chip Kelly oh Chip Kelly wasn't going anywhere. That's a revolutionary college coach. He's just going to stay embedded there. What a deal. What a buy? What more could that man want out of life, right? Because in 2009, they go 10 and 3. They have some quarterback issues. But the next year, they make the national title game. They were on the way up and they were changing the way that sport was played. This is the most plausible part of any of these scenarios, I think, is to say, oh, in 2019, Chip Kelly's still there, just beating ass. And Oregon is, you know, year in and year out, a competitor. at the national level in football.

It certainly would have been the smarter path for Chip Kelly at this point. You know, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. No. Like, was it that fun to be the coach that Eagles fans hated almost immediately? Well. Which is to say an Eagles coach?

I was going to say, the coach of the Eagles, you know? Like, they alternately, depending on the week, hate Doug Peterson, who, as far as I can tell, Doug Peterson is just a really cheap. like faceless bland kind of guy who likes to run you know tricky offenses he has kind of an unpainted clown face that's right he is a clown no the Eagles won this week so I'm the asshole now he's great he's fantastic how dare you talk about Dougie you're the fucking clown I took your battery out of your car this fucking this fucking New York guy Giants fan I'm gonna down here I'm gonna punch you knock you into the water

and have you seen stirs. Ryan, it's a good thing you left Philadelphia before you said this shit. Don't step into Bucks County with that shit. I have a question that I want to, this is totally out of nowhere. If I say wing bowl, is that a thing that registers for any,

the three of you in any way, no. This is unfair for me as I was also, that's fine. That's fine. In my head, I just see somebody on a jumbotron vomiting a steady stream of like hot sauce and wing jumps.

I don't want to be in your head. Okay, so, so we saw, we saw our former, our former colleague, Travis, who lives in Philly and is a, like, probably the most respectable, extremely Philly person you could possibly find. And he was talking about Wing Bull to Godfrey, and Godfrey had no idea what it was. And I, I didn't know that Wing Bowl was not part of, uh, Our national, whatever part of the brain holds shame, our national that. But I'm not going to derail the podcast with this. I just want people to go.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, just go to Wikipedia and put in Wing Bowl and you'll be fine. Just, just know that you'll be fine. It basically, it looks like the shirtless Brett Bilema photo in motion. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's upsetting. it ended in 2018 after 26 years why

because they won the Super Bowl and because it was originally set up as a like while the Eagles won't ever be in the Super Bowl so we'll do Wing Bowl instead yeah okay nobody nobody by the way involved with Wing Bowl understands the concept of shame so don't try to

invoke shame as any of this It is everything, if I told you, every bad thing you imagined to be true about Philadelphia is contained in the wing bowl. With the exception of the tweet I saw this past weekend, which was, I will find the exact tweet because I still have it. Here we go. It's from Molly C.V. Nesper, an associate digital producer for NPR Fresh Air with Terry Gross, who said, It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.

A fight broke out during a showing of the Mr. Rogers movie. Hey, you disrespected Fred Rogers, you bitch. I don't care if it is the land to make believe.

I'm not kneeling to any fucking king. We didn't happen upon too much extremely Philly stuff at Army Navy. Obviously, we had a good time with our espion colleagues against all enemies, troops blog. They brought us through their tailgate. That was cool. But one thing that we, those of us from out of town couldn't help but notice was that the

Philly hospitality industry, even though they typically host Army Navy, they still seem surprised by the fact that anyone was visiting. Like Uber driver, hotel, you know, airport people, whatever. Like, huh? you came here and there's a lot more of you why why on earth would you do that

it was just like this this sense of surprise across the entire city Jason please share you know how like you go to some hotels and they'll be like oh here's a fresh cookie or whatever Jason what was waiting at your hotel so those of you who have might have not seen the Philly pretzel video

that we have that we have shared every so often Spencer, what is the reporter's name? Herb Callahan. Yeah, it's amazing. Please go watch it. It's about, it looks like it's from like 1983. But I assume since it's Philly, it's from like 2013.

It's just roadside pretz. Realistically, I think it's 90, I think it's 95. It's these roadside pretzel salesmen in Philadelphia who are like wiping their buttholes with their hands and then handing people pretzels. And Herb is standing there with the kids. camera like I just recorded you doing that like nope nope no you didn't I washed my hands I'm sorry I'm sorry herb denenberg herb denenberg herb denenberg but so my my whole joke is like as soon as I get to Philly I'm going to have a pretzel right um walk in the door of the hotel the Hampton

directly next to the where you run your card is a heaping plate of pretzels you can grab a pretzel i assume they these they appeared much fresher than the traditional philly roadside pretzels so i was disappointed about that no birds no birds on your pretzel and then also at the stadium itself there was just a massive the breadiest pretzs i i've had a lot of carbs thank you philly what'd you do i i ate pretzels the philly way i went i urinated i didn't wash my hands and i immediately grabbed the closest pretzel to me and sold it to something for 50 cents for 50 cents

and then the ghost of Herb Denenberg came up behind me and was like sir do you I've never been in my car and thought I can really just go for a fucking giant pretzel right now this commute this commute is killing me if only I could eat

I just want a big a big old mustardy pretzel just a handful of mustard that someone else puts in my hand with their hand. I just want a stranger who is smoking to baby bird a pretzel into my mouth while I'm driving a car.

Hey, it's a city of brotherly love! I wish this median had fewer trees and more men with boxes of pretzels. In like weird sweaters. Guys in weird sweaters. Full of pretzels. And dad jeans. Just stuffing spit covered pretzels into my nose.

Sir, do you realize birds are shitting? on your pretzels? No, no, that's cinnamon flavor. That's the name of the bird. His name is cinnamon. Can I tell you, this is all colored by a childhood uncle of mine,

you know, not a biological uncle, but an uncle who would show us pictures of Shelley, he'd say, oh, here's where I went to high school. And it looked like, it looked just like the scariest high school you've ever seen. He's like, yeah, that's the honor's school.

It was really good. And it like had rocket launchers nailed to the walls, right? Like, yeah, that's really great. Oh, here's my favorite. Like, this is when my dad took me to the Phillies game, and there's somebody being shived in the back, right? Like, yeah, this is the time the teamsters burned down my car

because I drove on the wrong side of the road during a strike. Yeah, that's like, yeah. The Against All Enemies bloggers also told us that they saw one of the most confusing things at Army Navy that possibly anyone could see. They saw someone walking away in a blue and gold 13 jersey, and they were kind of confused because most, Navy fans get a 12. And then they realized that it wasn't a Navy jersey.

This person was wearing a Dan Marino pit jersey to the Army Navy game. Just find something close, man. Truly America's team. I saw Tennessee, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and that pit jersey. Those were the non-affiliated jerseys that I saw at Army. Navy this year. It was amazing. And a lot of Camo Eagles jerseys, but I feel

like that doesn't count because Who's taking it to Eagles That's my favorite thing is like The Camo Eagles jersey, it's tactical. Tactical Eagles, yeah. So you'll blend in at the Wawa, like you're in a gilly suit at the Wawa.