Shutdown Fullcast - 40 for 40, 2019 Edition: The Gamification of Bowl Games

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Rejoice! The 40 for 40 moves to the location-based bowls, including the Arizona, Belk, Birmingham, Camping World, Mobile, Music City, Sun, and Texas. Somehow, these bowls are turned into a progressively harder video game of sorts, which ends with Jimbo Fisher buying someone else's hair. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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you won't need another vacation. Because you just had the vacation. That's the Aruba effect. plan your trip at aruba.com Welcome to the shutdown forecast This is, I think, our next to last installment of 40 to 40, y'all, our preview series. Of what?

40 for 40. That's what I thought you said. That's right. The penultimate episode of our bold preview series. I used to release these in like 40 different episodes. Man, that was stupid. was it i no it was it's like calling uh i already apologized for creating this once i'm not going to do it that many more times i mean if anything we would have been bolder and said

they're all two-parters and now you have to download 80 80 podcast episodes an audio slideshow uh-huh yeah we're uh and then we could have jammed all the ads into one episode that's just ads i think this is by the way i'm just going to put this out there. Wait, can we do that? No, unfortunately. Okay. I mean, we can.

I think we should put them out. Hey, I could do a 40-minute podcast about Cowbucker at this point. That's fair. We should put them out as individual mixtapes, each of, for sure, right? And if it's one that is just, you know, sometimes we do these and they were like two minutes long, right? For instance, like, what were you going to say about the Camellia Bowl other than like, you know, oh, hey, probably going to be okay. Yeah. It'd be fine.

Tiny stadium. That's it. Sure. But if we had an actual SoundCloud, we could drop them individually without screwing things up. Don't tempt me. Yeah. Well, what I was going to say is that they could all be the same length. We'd just slow down the audio so that they were all like 10 minutes.

Oh. So, like when you listen to the chipmunks in their original form. We would chop and screw them, right, if we needed to. Have you ever actually done that? Because Dave is terrifying when you felt like a children's record player. Yeah, there's a reason Dave and Devil have most of the same letters. Oh, I say children's record player because only children have record players. You can reach me at 38 Godfrey.

He definitely has a record player. I said he shares this opinion. I'm pretty sure they don't let you live in his neighborhood unless you have a record player in a good stack with mine. No, I think you have to have a leather apron, and he doesn't have a beard, so that's another point against him. I haven't pickled anything in months. You're evicted. You're evicted. um hipster police aside um i'm sorry i'm just i'm shooting i'm just strafing right now because i just got back from the hometown grocery store run which is the greatest most perilous task uh of any holiday visit but you avoided uh you avoided oh no oh i took two ls i took two ls it's usually either a teacher who never liked me or the mother of someone i slept with who never liked me sure and this time it was Can I ask a personal question? Does that Venn diagram have a middle?

Sometimes. Yes. Listen, y'all know my mom's a teacher, right? That means all my friends are teacher's kids. Oh, yeah. Okay. It happens. And we all went to drama school. It is all intermingled. There's, yeah. We actually did try to map this one summer with like a phone board and yarn and tax. It got really disgusting. But anyway, today it was my ninth grade math teacher, which I think I read the stand most of the way through ninth grade math, and a creepily religious former Girl Scout Troop chaperone, which one of our off-season episodes needs to be about the time I accidentally joined a white, not white supremacist Girl Scout Troop, excuse me, a sovereign citizen Girl Scout troop. It's the same thing. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't going to say that.

Jason, what is our perfectly formed idea for this block of bowls? Have we ever had a perfectly formed idea? All our ideas were perfectly formed. Yes. Okay. Do you mean that the list of games, or what are we getting at here? What's like the concept? Our organizing principle.

Okay. The rare alley-up drop. It wasn't so much a drop as it was Jason started wandering off the court being like, Wait, are we playing basketball? That was like when you have a mastiff or some large bird dog that doesn't understand fetch and you throw them the ball and they're like, I'm going to go nap over here. That makes way more sense of whatever.

From my perspective, I was going up for the alley-up and what you threw at me was a turkey. That's true. Which I would appreciate. Dunk the turkey. So the first thing we did was we did the pre-Christmas bowls. That's easy and obvious. Then we did the assorted grab bag and then we did all the war bowls.

This leaves us two groups, and these are probably the two most obvious groups. Today's are the location bowls that we have. And I think we have added an additional gimmick on top of that because clearly we are very good at consistent ideas and just keep them. Just keep them coming. The more advanced and complex, the better. So among these bowls we have, I think a few that are indisputably locations, and we're going to talk about them as if they were video.

game levels because that's that's what they merit yeah on the whole um so we have the texas the sun the music city mobile camping world birmingham arizona i am i guess belk is a location and a state and a state of mind what is the like what is that state of mind it's an emotion if one is operating on the belk plane what does that mean the belk plane is realizing that you'll never again be able to fit into pants that don't have pleats. I think the Belk Plain is simply P-L-A-I-N. Whoa. Yeah.

You can buy some pretty routy stuff from Belk Online, actually. I'm going to move to sure. Yeah. Yeah. Like we did a, I forget what it was. I think it was like... Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about like no iron khakis?

I'm talking about like a camo blazer. Jesus. Yeah. this i don't think they i think the world of in-store belk versus online belk are very different things yeah i was gonna i was gonna say i think they probably hold that privilege back for in-store purchases like if you if all right so if i walk in i'm buying the camo blazers they just gonna let it slide right they're gonna be like yeah too just just just walk but if somebody else it doesn't have quite that attitude tries to pull it off right it's not happening i mean right are you going on dark web belk

I have privileges given me by the government that I'm not allowed to discuss. So you're like hiring assassins with Belk coin? Yeah. There's a lot. So I have gone to belk.com. I have searched Camo. Let's do a quick Price is Right game. Holly, closest without going over, how many results came up for just Camo?

C-A-M-O? Just Cammo? Yeah. Oh. What is this Cabell? Elka's? Damn it. Sorry.

I'm actually not sorry, and I'm only going to get worse. 87. Okay. Jason. 900. Spencer. I'm going to go 73. 256.

Holly is the winner. There are 256 camo items. Wait. Is that me? No, he's playing music. The showcase music. Yeah, he's playing the showcase music. But it's like to not be next to Spencer.

Yeah, it's pretty fun, right? Yeah. Oh, you guys should talk about where you are. Oh, there's... Stuggled up for the holidays. There's a four-piece luggage set of camo. Only once... Originally 3.30, only 168.30 after coupon.

This is, I think, by the way, the response about deciding how to organize these bowls, it's not our fault. No. Because by name, these are the laziest bowls. They just decided that in order to name the bowl game, they would just name it after all right in some places they named it after a very specific place and kudos for you for getting off the couch to get the remote okay some of y'all didn't even like lift your head off the pillow because what are we supposed to do with the sun bowl you named the whole damn thing after a star the texas bowl what part of texas gestures wildly around you and the arizona bowl what are you supposed to do with that The Birmingham Bowl is specific. Kind of, but even then there's two of them.

Yeah, that's fair. Do you know how many stars there are in the universe? Yeah. And this is a bowl game named after one of them. How much more specific can you probably get? But I would prefer it was the Beetlejuice Bowl. I mean, that would be better and more specific. Yeah.

That'd be equally specific. So I want to start with the Arizona Bowl. with an interesting piece of Arizona history because this is the only thing I have to contribute to this podcast. This bowl is Georgia State versus Wyoming. I don't really have much to offer there except that

if their fans go to that, good for them. I don't know why, but good for them. Is this the one playing in a baseball stadium? One of the remaining two played in a baseball stadium? I think it is. Anyway, so when Arizona was, trying to get in the union.

No time to look that up. No. When Arizona was trying to get in the union, I guess the way, I don't know if this is still how it works because it's not a thing we do that much anymore, but they submitted a proposed state constitution to Congress. And it was like fairly progressive for the time.

It had direct election of senators. It had recall and it had women suffrage in it. And the, and Congress said, nope, we will not let you in the union with this, with this, uh, constitution. We can't let you in the union wearing that hat. Correct. So they went back, they took out all the things that Congress had a problem with. And Congress was like, great, you're in the union. And right after that, they went back to the state constitution and put all the original shit in anyway. And that's how Arizona gave women the vote

eight years before the rest of the country did. Because they were just shady as hell about it. Testification at the time, by the way, it had to be something really uncharitable and enlightened. It had to be something like, what if the husband could vote twice? Right. Wouldn't that be great? Yes, I'm sure it was shitty in many regards,

because everything was at this point. Most of my cows are male, so this won't be an issue. That was my Arizona voice, I don't know. We need a, we need a varmint vote. Let's let varmits vote. So if we're thinking of these as video game levels, I think the Arizona Bowl is definitely, one of the earlier levels where you're learning the controls, things are mostly flat,

like there's not too much out there, you know, you're maybe like, oh, you've got to get through this golf course and don't only break three Chahouli exhibits or something like that. I think it is like your level one, two to one four somewhere in that range. I'm going to give this the day. Mm-hmm. Oh, I was going to say, on the bright side, I think Ryan just invented Jhuli golf. is that like very expensive miniature golf on a large scale

three point two million dollars around i was going to say i think steve win is setting this up on the roof of his vagus properties can i can i confess down broken glass on all the hospitality employee striking for living wages all right i really i really want to confess something every time i've walked into that casino my first instinct has been to just hammer the shit out of everything

i i mean it's beautiful glass and everything but there's some part of me It's just like, God, give me a box of rocks. Sure, sure. Please. Yeah. And now if you have golf balls, that's the, I mean, that's the great. I'm actually excited about this. This is, was it Bob Allenger who said every person who rides it's a small world should get like a basket of soft balls on the way in?

Yeah. Toholy golf is going to be how we save the company. You're welcome company. Truly go. We didn't say which company. Merry Christmas. I have a couple of other questions about this bowl game that really. to video games, and this is directed at Jason. Jason. Have you been to the Tucson area?

Yes. Okay. Is this not the Death Stranding Bowl? The walking, the walking simulator in the middle of nowhere. We've got to connect Tucson and Tempe and Phoenix, and no one is brave enough to walk outside. I too like Tucson. You've got to do it. I remain the only one of the standing for Tucson. I don't have any particular problem with Tucson. Yeah, I like Tucson, but it is. also the bowl game location that most resembles a post-apocalyptic nuclear waste like because it's an actual desert y'all there's like actual like there's tremendous amounts of empty space to explore around Tucson. Let's talk about your prepositions there because you said I like Tucson but it's an apocalyptic wasteland and what I think you mean is I like Tucson and it's an

because because um I uh I like the idea that the Arizona if it's if we're doing all these is video game levels and like perhaps this is the first one tutorial element to it like Ryan said that sounds like Sedona Arizona to me because your hand is being held it's extremely touristy everything is very safe 10 feet away is wilderness you could die in but just push A when we tell you to put it right take this crystal it will help you sit in this pink jeep this this pink jeep is going to ride to the edge of the crater to hell don't take one false step and you will die but stay in the pink jeep the pink jeep tutorial yeah um jason or holly what would you place is like the next

level of difficulty amongst these bowls um it would it be funny if it just stayed alphabetical and like the game designer's like yeah we uh no we meant to do that i mostly like that because if you're if you're doing that then you're suggesting playing in texas is more challenging than playing on the sun. Yeah. Well, yeah. Would it be locations on purpose would explain why the alphabetical order goes state department store, city, RV dealer.

Right. Additional Alabama City. It's a game that expands and contracts. Yeah. The sun doesn't have open carry laws, and that's why Texas is the harder level. Yeah, I mean, who has ever really conquered Texas if you think about it? Whereas the sun, We, it does a bidding every day.

What a burger. Just what a burger. So the Belk is then this, the next level of this? Belk would be level two. Okay. Yeah. You're, you're, it's a, it's a, I think it's like a property escort mission kind of thing. You know, you got to smuggle this stuff. And, uh, it's a fetch quest.

Well, I'm thinking I'm thinking because Virginia Tech and Kentucky are there. And those are two contraband friendly fan bases. Right. Right. So the bridge I was trying to draw at the top of the show is Belk is also a high degree of difficulty danger in terms of running into an older person that you know who doesn't like you. I would also do this. The Belk contains in what you see in Level 2, which is the first boss, and that would be Lynn Bowden. Right. You have to get around Lynn Bowden. One cannot get around Lynn Bowden. Right. But the advantage you have is at this point, Lynn Bowden's so tired. he's so tired and if you if you remember the trick is he's tired but they got a betting department man

that's true but you have to stay back from him because uh throwing weapons little inaccurate right doesn't use them very often Deslin bowden join your party though oh that's a good that's a good wrinkle like he's the boss you defeat and by doing so like oh the belks spell wore off thank you I respect you this only happens like this has got to be

one of those like one of those ultra rare magic the gathering cards because, I mean, if you find Lynn Bowden, game over, man. I'm sorry, I threw all those woven belts at you. So, like, to me, he looks around and he realizes, it's like, they've been forcing me to do everything here with you, the one thing I like to do, you know, so he just prefers to join your team. Right. This is just because we won't want to be friends with him,

and I'm fine with that. So let's add it. Yeah, because we don't want to defeat Lynn Bowden. Yeah. Bud Foster does belong, like, his final time should be. Oh, the friend Bowden. But Bud Foster's final. place should be in a belk.

Like, I kind of, I kind of picture you going into a Virginia area. Barry me in housewares. They have lunch boxes there. I picture his corpse, like, encased in glass, like, just in a random Virginia Belk location. They're like, oh, yeah, he always had the most sensible pants. He's the, he's also definitely the guy who's like, the tool section's all clearance. No one ever goes back to.

You can get some good stuff. Yes, Bud Foster is the one who, like, shows you how to use your inventory. Yeah. He's like, look how many. spots there are. If you drink more beers, you unlock more room. He's the one who gives you your inventory. He hands you your lunch pail.

Right, right, right. That can somehow hold like nine shields. You can carry 23 cases of bud ice. Right. Do I need consistent offense in here? No. No, you don't. I would like another kind of beer. Here's another case of Bud Ice. So what is the Birmingham Bowl then? What is its equivalent?

Okay, so I have an answer for this. The Birmingham Bowl is based, let's see, it's in the city of Birmingham, which has itself hills all around it, and then has big roads leading down into a kind of bombed out sort of... They got a big statue of a Greek god. It's fallout. Okay, yeah, right. I was going to say you've got red team, blue team, it's Mist.

Wow. We could do that, but Miss, remember, Mist has sort of enchanted beautiful... No, no, it's, it's, it's missed. M-I-S-E-D, get it? Here's the thing to remember. Mist sucks, and being in Birmingham sucks. Yeah. Does involve reading books, though.

That's why Cincinnati's can't be here. Yeah, Bear Bryant has, there are books about Bear Bryant. Many. It does not to actually talk about football on accident. It sucks that Cincinnati's in this bowl. Cincinnati had sucks. Cincinnati has such a good year and your fucking reward is here

go play this like corpse of a Boston college team which actually can be kind of fun on offense but I think I think AJ Dillon's leaving and won't be even playing in the game like in the Birmingham Bowl what a fucking reward also like you're headless right your coach just got fired you're from Boston

and they're like yeah guess what you're going someplace warmer than Boston for the bowl game okay cool where Birmingham garbage Like, we should have got an Auburn spot in the Outback Bowl. I know that's not how it works, but I would have loved to see Cincinnati, Minnesota, and just like so many, so many angry Midwestern dads in Tampa being like, I'll prove something to anyone.

Are they going to Vestavia bowling? Speaking of Midwestern, proving things. One, like, one usual recurring activity for the week is going to Vestavia Hills bowling. Sure. you know so congratulations cincey you have like one of the best seasons in school history and you get to go to bestavia Hills bowling

you get to go bowling and out it's it's just like you put all this together and it's like the worst price is right showcase possible you're going to Birmingham and spending a night at the bowling alley so I think the bowling alley that is our first of all Birmingham I'm sorry I said it sucks there Birmingham is fine Birmingham is fine because it is not many

other cities in Melbourne yeah but like I think the bowling thing that that is how you make it through this level you have to defeat the bare ass bowl trophy god in bowling Vulcan you have to you have to out bowl Vulcan yeah and he's like extremely confident about his bowling abilities and the animation on his ass is amazing because remember Vulcan is the Vulcan is probably I think the largest and most famous ass in the world because there's the front of it that faces the road but then if you go around the backside all cheap cheeks. It's just a tremendous amount of man-cheek. It's the opposite of the Jerry Richardson statue. Yeah, which doesn't have enough cheek. Which has no ass. No ass. Vulcan-R-S. Jerry's butt died so that Vulcans could live. Also, the jiggle physics on this thing. It's amazing.

The camping world is the... This is definitely... By the way, Jason, this is definitely a Hedale-Cogey-McCame, right? We're like, the man-cheek jiggle physics are incredible. Yeah. Well, there are two Kojima things here because there's that, yes, which I had already forgotten in my brain, even though I was the one who said it. So thank you, Spencer, for putting it back in there. Now it's stored. The other Kojima thing is when I put Camping World in this column, I wasn't thinking of RV dealership. I was literally thinking of a planet or everyone camps.

I was thinking Camping World how Kojima would say it. Boss, you've got to go to Camp World. Do you know that this is the, of these levels, this is the one that has come closest to actually existing. They can, in like 2006, yes, in 2006, the original founder of Camping World, a guy named like Steve Garvin or some shit, was like, we're starting a place in Kentucky. And Franklin, Kentucky called Garvins. And he said it was going to be a combo of Disney, Bass Pro Shops, and the Camping World stores. It was going to have, amongst many other things, a five-story, permanent. permanent RV show, like a permanent RV expo, and a camping museum. What the

fuck is a camping museum? Oh, that's when you bronze the parts of people that you find. Okay. I was just waiting out. Go back to the five-story. There was going to be, there was going to be six hundred, it was like, it was like 650,000 square feet. And that, so they announced us in 2006. And then the recession hit. So they, couldn't build camping. God damn it. The real camp. But this could have been a real thing. And I am so confident

camping world would have demanded that their bowl game be played in Kentucky on the fifth story. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. So what happens on the fifth story of camping world? Like are helicopters flying in RVs and I guess so? Is that where

the, is that one, man, that would have made for a great fast and furious movie. The one that's all in RVs and it's very slow. I think the the RVs progress from new to oldest as they get toward the top. And if they go unsold, the salesperson and the RV are both. Right? So they just get increasingly desperate and decadent as they get to the top. And then the pile of discarded RVs grows higher and higher,

and that's how the uprising begins. That's right. They storm the elites in the RV Palace. Yeah. So here, we've made an entire video game story right there. of the camping world unite yeah camping world also that sounds like human history as of like five million years ago or whatever i will that's all we did yeah you know who's good at camping everyone five thousand years ago so everyone until we started planting plants in the ground so camping world is also if you think

about it already an existing video game and that's the organ trail like that's camping world the game and if you have to like and i think the two teams in this game are sort of the two perfect examples of how you can play this game you can be no you can be the banker that's notre dame where you're just like i don't really know how to shoot but i have a lot of money and i'll pay you for your food i'll pay a buffalo for its pounds of meat right right or you can be iowa state which is like being a farmer or something where you're like i have no money but look at all this beer i can carry back to the whack no it says bear no it doesn't i shot a beer Shut of bear so hard at bled beer

Hey bear Put down my beer Bear's like Thank you This is also by the way You're talking about like things that suck Okay Camping sucks

I have no sympathy for Brian Kelly at all Ever objectively though Wow what a different change up How bold How do you speak such bold? truths. What gives you the courage to say these things? But like if you're a Notre Dame fan, you've won 10 games for like, I think the fourth year in a row at this point. And the rest of the nation is still like, yeah, fuck up. Whatever. Whatever. Bull shit. Yeah. Yeah. Lucky to be in the

Camping World Bowl. This is though, I think at ground level, we forget what the experience that these things is like for the people who go to them and sort of just think of them as like, oh, is it going to be a good show or not? Or ha ha, you're going to Orlando again. This is awesome for like Notre Dame and Iowa State. Like, think about, like, what do you do? I don't know, man, just goes someplace warm for like a week. Everybody just feeds me. I tend to think of the players.

It's, like, very intelligent, like, young men who are also bears. Yeah. Right. They're like, what do you get to do? Right. It's warm. I get to lay in a pool. Everything's, you know, mostly paid for.

And, you know, I'm not getting paid. That sucks. But there's a buffet. I'm not in Indiana. There's a better than even chance I'll get into a brawl with my opponents in a bellyflop contest. Uh-huh. The hotel pool. I think that actually did happen.

So I got that going for me. I think that was a different bowl, and I remember that Louisville was one of the teams, but yes, this definitely happened in real life. Can we all agree Iowa State Twitter will be a nightmare if they beat Notre Dame? Like, they will just, and I'm not even saying undeservedly so, but they will be like, the fire rises!

We will tear down the existing superstructure and build a new world. in the cyclone image. And it would be called camping world. This camping world shall become a camping galaxy. Can you imagine camping with Notre Dame fans? I think it's glamping. Yeah.

I was going to say, that's a radisson. Yeah, no, I mean, it would be cool. Like, you know, like the fans that you actually worried about are the ones who are good at camping. Right. And by good at camping, I mean embrace hardship. Right, right. Like, I think it was. Yeah, you worry about Virginia Tech camping.

Right. Oh, I was thinking. Notre Dame fans who were good at camping. Like, like, I guess, I guess super hardcore true believers who are like, you know, I don't eat. I don't eat for a month because Jesus didn't, that kind of thing. Oh. When you say private school. I feel like those people reject football too, though. I also don't feel like those are Notre Dame fans. When you say private school kids who are good at camping, I think into the wild. Oh, so they'll go into the woods and die. Okay. You're going to make it like four days, yeah. Yeah, and Eddie Vedder will write a whole album about you. It'll be great. Okay, let's swing wildly in the other direction. Another new experience for us. Spencer, what is the mobile level of this video game?

Oh, half-sunken battleship. There you go, you're welcome. Yes. That's it. It's a, you know, boss, you've got to go to the half-sunken battleship and steal the metal. Yep, just the metal. Not the metal gear, just the hunk of metal. We need Mobile Metal

Yeah You need Alabama mind Alabama Mind is located in half-sunkin battleship Didn't we already go to Alabama? Too bad Return to Alabama We gotta go back I think in Kojima's mind Mobile Alabama would be Mobile Alabama

Mobile Alabama yeah Like the battleship walks It's a weaponized Alabama right Yeah and it's like do you know the battleship could just float No it must walk I like this because if you made, like, Alabama the state into a mech, it would have a knee brace, and it would be like, oh, hey, slow down. No, come on, man.

I see a very big, creaky battleship, right? Why is that, why is that mech taking pain pills? This doesn't make sense. Does this make Florida, like Alabama's rascal? Because it's technically a lot of starch. Yeah. The panhandle certainly is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This is, this is, again, I think. For the people involved, a completely different experience because Mobile is actually a lot of fun. It's got a great nightlife slash bar district. I've never met anybody there who didn't simultaneously say that they had a very good time while they were there, but also that the time took a toll on them. Third Coast, what's up? I mean, they have their own Marty Brock, right?

Which they label as, oh, man. They brand it hard. America's original Marty Kroff. Yeah, they also have... They're real uptight about that. They also have the best fried pickles, I think, like per capita per restaurant in the country, and they serve them in spears, as God intended. Yeah, and they also have street pole vaulting in the summer,

with an open category, meaning anyone could go down with a pole and attempt to vault in the middle of downtown Mobile for the enjoyment of strangers. to watch you impale yourself in the middle of the street. I would like to read you the most cowardly sentence ever written on Wikipedia, and this is on the Mardi Gras in Mobile Wikipedia page. It's under the subsection, comparison with New Orleans. Due to the complex web of events in the 300-year history of Mardi Gras in Mobile, it is not easy to compare activities with New Orleans.

That's cowardice. just come out and say it take a side Wikipedia which one's great and which one sucks so you got to go to the talk page and find the real shit oh where they you gotta find the the venomous battle between the two factions there is enough history to come down on one side my father fought in the mobile Mardi Gras wars

man so there's a whole list of Mardi Gras in the United States and some of the cities on here like Detroit has a Mardi Gras Yes. Yes. La Crosse, Wisconsin has a Mardi Gras. I get that. Orlando has a Holyokel.

San Luis Obispo has the Mardi Gras. There's a good chunk of Cajuns in Wisconsin. Don't forget. Oh, yeah, that's fair. Okay. Yeah, they're Frenchified in lacrosse. I do. The Detroit one, I cannot speak.

Well, the name is French. Never mind. Detroit. detroit is that french i've never thought about this i don't think it is but it doesn't matter we're already here i mean it kind of looks french right sure that's detroit to you um miami miami of ohio is thrilled to be here because it's again it's not ohio it's not ohio so you escape you exchange escape velocity from ohio yeah a good two-thirds of the team will only come back for their stuff and then leave again in one to two years uh cajans are in here

Caden's had a fantastic year. You're like... Oh, no. Hmm. I looked up Detroit just now because I'm like, I'm losing my mind, right? Because that was founded, Detroit was founded by the Cadillac dude. And yes, that's right. Detroit is French for Strait, as in like the water feature straight.

Mm-hmm. And it's named for the Strait of Lake Erie. And then the next search result right below that was, why is Detroit called the Paris of the Midwest? I am going to leave the answers to your imagination, and we may continue. Man, I wish the Lions, like, I wish, like, you know, how teams rotate between London. I wish the Lions had one permanent game in Paris. No, the Lions makes perfect sense in this contest because,

no, the Lions make perfect sense because what's more French than losing all the time and constantly smoking? She got a point there. It's a real, it's a strong point, lady. Eat Denise, let them eat cake. Let the kids eat cake, Denise. We haven't had a defense since the 1800s. So what we did is we took the kids to Verdun. Put them in the mud, gave them a bunch of rifles.

They loved it. Fondalak time. I'm happy that people got to the mobile portion of this show. And we're like, ah, finally, Mobiles come up and it turned into shitting on the court instead. Well, I think we're finding that Mobile kind of rules in its own semi-humble, not so humble way. But like, I think the challenge in this mission is like, this is kind of the middle of Red Dead Redemption 2 where it's like, all right, we have a pretty good little camp here on a lake. Everything is pretty cool, you know, we're like, we're making money. We could just stay here.

You know, we could just stay here. But, like, you got this awful boss is telling you, we have to go to Music City. You've got to go to Nashville. We need more music. I have a plan. I got a plan. It's to acquire music.

So the Music City Bowl, which may this year feature Tennessee fans who mistakenly bought tickets, not even mistakenly, bought tickets under a very understandable impression that their team was going here. and last I have seen have still had trouble selling them. So I am hoping they show up and just boo everything. Just boo every play. No, this is, the blame resides only with them

because if you've been involved with Tennessee football long enough to buy tickets to a bowl game, you should know you never need to buy Music City bowl tickets. You can just walk in. That's fair. Also, I think the plan should be for them to arrive at the stadium. bring supplies and provisions and just stay until the Titans game happens.

Can they let you walk in with iPads and just like watch your real game? Oh, wow. Yeah. YouTube TV is on YouTube TV just got PBS. You can set the kids up with some educational programming. The Music City, I believe, is on the same time as Cal, Illinois. So Tennesseans, what you have is alternate entertainment. Entertainment's a strong word there.

Strong. Now that I've said that, by the way, watch Cald v. Illinois be a 45-46 barn burner. Illinois brought the best out of Northwestern, didn't they? That's true. That is hard to do. Literally the hardest thing to do in all of college football. Yeah, that's how good of coach Lovie Smith is. He coached up Northwestern.

The Lovie Smith was selling Northwestern like nobody else could, right? He got a five-star match out of Northwestern. Right. So the Music City level, I assume, is the one. where the controls change and it suddenly becomes like a rhythm game and you're like I don't understand this was like point and click RPG before

and you're like nope just hammer B you gotta be you gotta be Cowboy McJean's beer press B press B to Boot Scoot that's right boot boot like this is like it gets a little a little psychedelic and everything is on rails and it's like okay the video game director

just really wanted to be a movie director and it's taking it out on me right now collect as many goos as you can. Just dodging the board's greatest hazard, which is shrieking pedal bars full of bachelorets. Yes. For some reason, flinging scooters at you. Yeah.

Why the pedal bar? It doesn't matter. Randy, you said the bitch! Yeah, you have to like a simple, the ancient poetry of the beaches, the trucks, the cuties with their shorts. Take this, take these cursive. letters and put live laugh love on the side of this wall that's right um and then take a selfie

with it yeah put it on instagram uh the teams in this are mississippi state in louisville if that matters it probably it probably doesn't a whole lot louisville pretty cool yeah i i i louisville's had a good year i it's it's fun to see louisville rise from the wreckage of bobby petrino it is it is it is hard to remember that not to mention papa john it is hard to remember that mississippi state is only in this game because an Ole Miss player, you're right? No, I've finished your sentence and I've rebuilt this board. Go ahead. I've got the whole thing.

Go ahead. Go ahead. So what runs right by the stadium? A river, correct? What are we already doing in this board? We are clearing out the Bachelorette pedal bars, right? We are trying to establish a clear path. But in true video game villain fashion, we are but pawns.

Clearing the way and doing the grunt work for Papa John, to flow up the river in his massive Camaro boat and retake Louisville football. Janine, if I wanted to see a river run through it, I'd go watch Tom Scarrett fit. And lo, the tap water ran with only garlic butter. Oh, no, it's Perforjan. Perpa John.

Today I've eaten 50 pizzas in 30 days. He's only gotten stronger. Do we need to address the Dave Wanstead Christmas Carol? I think we do. I think we do, yeah. That was inflicted upon all. Oh, wait.

Before we do that, can I talk about a different Tennessee food bowl? Yeah. So this is, this, this popped up on my Twitter from at Patty Moe. This is the Garth Brooks breakfast bowl. It is a real, a real recipe on foodnetwork.com. I read this and I clicked away before I just clicked it. I was like, oh, it's a breakfast bowl. Didn't go all the way or down the ingredients list?

It's amazing. So it's a Tricia Yearwood recipe. It's the key ingredient. So the ingredients are two tablespoons of butter, eight large eggs. This serves four, so be cool. One 16 ounce bag of frozen hash browns such as tater tots, thawed. A pound of pork sausage, a pound of bacon. Wait, hash pots and tater tots are not the same thing.

They're not. They're not. But as you're going to see quickly, Garth is not a pick of it. I'm going to put such as tater tots after a lot of things in 2020. One nine-ounce package, cheese and roasted garlic tortellini. Hang on. Yep, correct. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

10 ounces sharp cheddar grated. Here is how you make it. There are four steps. In a large skillet, melt the butter and scramble the eggs. In a separate large skillet, cook the hash browns according to the package directions. In a third skillet, break up the slice. sausage and cook it until it's brown. Remove it and transfer it to a bowl. Cook the bacon in the same skillet until it's crispy. Drain it on paper towels, tear it into pieces. Fourth step. Cook

the tortellini according to the package directions. Layer a large bowl with hash brown sausage, bacon, tortellini, eggs, and cheese and serve. Ball? Fat, fat man climbed a ladder. This is a breakfast bowl. Sorry, bowl. I was hoping like You could hold the entire meal in your hand Like an apple No, no So Garth Brooks for breakfast

When he's feeling demanding Once Trisha Yearwood To use three pans, a pot And a colander To make him The world's saddest KFC bowl This is Garth's special

Six Top Breakfast Bowl No vet Farmers required No veggies Jesus of fruits. I pooped in my boots. This question always sounds so irritated on the Garth channel interstitials. So, like, if we could get, if you are willing to make the Garth's breakfast bowl for your family

sometime this holiday season without warning them, we know you're listening. Without warning them, please let us know how it goes. Just, just, here's what I want one of you to do. say, hey, I'd like to make breakfast tomorrow, mom, and then make Garth's breakfast full for the family. So can I, can I prepare you a meal from the culture? It's a celebrity recipe. And remember, the eggs and cheese go on top. So they're going to have to get a layer down before they realize you put fucking tortellini in their breakfast.

That's what really makes a funer roll. It's called Italian surprise. I might try it. Yeah, I know. Yeah, you know what? If you eat that, you're not going to. You shall not be free for a couple of hours. Oh, P.S. Mom, you have to do the dishes because I just needed three skillets.

That's what they call them old Garth, three skillets, Brooks. Who has three skillets? Garth Brooks. Garth Brooks is drinking your word. Keep up, peasant. I've just told me that would get your home. That's three skillets. Taking over a habachi to put some Garth Brooks pasta.

Man, I don't know how big y'all stoves is, but one of my skillets is going to have to be, Outside the fire. Oh, man. These three skills, one for guards, one for Trisha, one for Chris Gaines. All three of them. Is that the trinity in your religion? Yeah, that is the trinity in my religion. Although, if this is our communion, then, man, we're not, not living.

I'm not going more than 50 feet from a toilet for a good three hours. Bless of my flesh. More flesh of my flesh. Keep it coming. And hash browns. Oh, my God, there's so much flesh. Shelf-stable tortellini would have been a great present for the baby Jesus because, you know, being a new mother,

makes cooking the last thing you want to do it. It doesn't even need refrigeration. Holly, I imagine the Shia-Suni split in this religion is whether tater tots count as hash rounds or not. All I know is that I'm glad I didn't know how it would end when I ate it. You said that you imagine this. Boy, you're both in William. Are you guys in Williamson or Davidson? We're in Davidson. Okay. Just look outside your front door.

This is going to be more like, I think, more like the Yugoslavian Civil War, like house-to-house fighting, is what I'm envisioning. Yeah, because you need another bathroom. Dictoms on these potatoes. Can we call those the tauticisms? Jesus Christ. Wow. Defaults were topical. The Sun Bowl features foresting. The motherfucking Sun Bowl. I have one last thing.

Yeah, sorry. 10 ounces of cheese is not a lot for the rest of this recipe. Yeah, because there's already cheese in the tortellina. This is just bonus cheese. I was like, why are they just sprinkling a tiny bit of cheese? It's just garnish cheese. Oh, God. Also, I promise you, I promise you that's not how much cheese he actually wants.

But Trisha was like, Garth, I'm not putting 25 ounces cheese on the recipe for the food. network. I'm about doing it. Is there like a little wink right next to 10 ounces? Doesn't cheese come in like 16 ounce bags? Uh, yeah. Are you, I think you can, like, five, six of a bag out, or are you going to dump a thing in? I think you can buy a block, like a block of cheeses sometimes, 10 ounces. That might be where that comes from. But also like, Garth also probably adds shit to this. Oh, yeah, like, hey, can you throw, can you throw a couple French toastics in there, too? Just for texture. Don't worry. She looks over at their, like, I'm sure that they're well.

enough to have a chef or a cook, right? So, Patricia just goes, we're two of a kind, working on a dead spouse. You keep eating this shit, you're going to be 12 feet under. 12, because we'll bury you at 6th, but you'll sink. Yeah, that's it. What, you think you're staying below the water table with this? Hell no. And now, and 21 skillet salute.

Yeah. You eat this, they bury you sticks down, and the earth itself is like, holy shit. I swear to God, my dad just walked in and turned on the Titans game. Brian Tadahill just completed a long pass. What year is this? Yeah, he's apparently good now. The Sun Bowl features states Florida and Arizona. It will either be past.

Okay. Okay. What is the sun level then? You have to go to the sun. You have to go to the sun. Yeah, yeah. And do... Uh, usually to go to the sun, you have to, like, uh, recharge it,

repower it, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's usually like you get, you got a fire. Oh, so we're taking, we're taking Garth's dense breakfast bowl, shooting it into the heart of the dying sun and refiring it for another 50,000 years. Why do you think they call it the heart of the sun? That's just going to clog the sun's arteries.

Oh, it'll give it enough energy to get through its morning calisthenics. Holly, you look at that recipe and tell me that isn't a big, ball of gas waiting to happen. Yeah. Oh, fair point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is also because Papa John has shut down the sun, right? Man, y'all, the sun's going to bounce back for this and buy his wife the moon a Peloton. Papa John doesn't see color. Now he can't because he killed the sun. That's right. Now no one will see color. That's right. Give me back my company, Mark Shapiro. And now will give me back the sun. Man, Papa John not being able to see color would really explain his choice of neck makeup.

I mean, he has a lusterous color of stroke red. Yeah. Sunburnt, really, is what he is. Papa John looks like he accidentally sleeps outside a lot. It's like a lot. In the day time. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, yes, like three o'clock. Yeah. Right, right. Like, he is getting broiled from, gently broiled from all directions, like one of those bagel toasters that takes five minutes. Yeah, the ones with the little, like, Like at a hotel. Yes.

Right. Yeah. So the Sun Bowl, by the way, now that the CBS is getting out of the SEC game. Is this now their only college football property? Just about this. You have this Army Navy and some minor like CBSS and stuff. But like I love the Sun Bowl, the first and the last. I like the idea that they will now pivot to like just on Saturdays.

They'll just be like, road to the Sun Bowl. And they'll just make Houston nut. sit in the studio talking about like who's who's got the best chance to get America's greatest prize when you get to playing the weird grand uncle of the ball all right you know that you've made it when Houston is like literally leading the road to El Paso there's a parade every single year across the country there's a wide open shot here too for them to kind of lean into the already existent apocalyptic edges of the Sun Bowl that Jason covered on Banner Society.com where we work

a little bit last week. You also check it out. Like, you know, the sunbolt until the heat death of the universe and then some. Yeah. Then we will fight in the shade on the sidelines. Under the hill. That's the only shade. Yeah. The one hill that everyone is

screwing on. And then you meet... No, hand jobs. Just hand jobs. Just hand jobs for a handjob hill. Hi dad. The other manager that you, the other thing you meet here is you meet the manager of the sun. Mm-hmm. Uh, who is a cantankerous, Cato Caelin. No, no, it's Herm Edwards.

Herm Edwards is the son. They are to some devils. Oh, wow, you're right. Yeah. He does serve the son's dark purposes. He does, but he's also just my job. Yep. But he doesn't know that, right?

No. No, the man worked for the Jets. He clearly has no idea what it's like to work for an evil organization knowingly. He's too lawful neutral to really perceive. Mm-hmm. You know. Some checks clear. That's all I know.

Yeah. The sign has really been going 705 for a long, long time. It's true. Good enough. It's doing good enough. Yes. I think we're at final boss territory, the final level, which... The Texas Bowl.

I think the Texas Bowl in Texas is as good as setting for the final showdown at last level of any kind of game. Yeah. As you could find. Yeah. This bowl has, at various points, before the... Texans bought it like basically went bankrupt I think like in its original in its well and its second iteration is the Houston Bowl they reached the point where they're like yeah the ball hasn't paid the conferences the money that it knows so uh we should do something about that but the Texas

bowl lives on despite its debts this was around the time when the NFL network tried broadcasting WMU rice yeah live from Houston to an audience of like 100 that thousand people the NFL it's only good with money this was also uh you could also tie the previous blue bonnet bowl into this lineage right thing has been like dying and rebirthing itself forever which that's pretty good for a final boss right it's been going through bank oh that's true yeah it does like have multiple forms it's like super super mecca blue bonnet actually you know what this is the blue bonnet bowl they changed the name about halfway in they called it the Astro Blue Bonnet Bowl.

Wow. Because, like, Houston has rockets. Sure. So, like, now we're talking about fucking space flowers. Like, yeah, this bowl does have a lineage of, like, sprouting new, more horrifying versions of itself. Folks, the eyes of Texas are coming from space. We got to move.

The eyes of Texas are upon us. Why do you think space got a telescope? I still don't have a good Herm Edwards accent. It's but a full season. No, I knew who you were channeling. Was it the volume metrics that did it? Yeah, that's all. That's all you got to do.

I see asking Herm Edwards if it's hot on the sun to be a question that I would want to hear. No. Sure. Space is cold. It's all in your mind. Totally hot and you feel hot. You feel hot right now? Yeah, I'm on the sun, Herm.

That's in your head. Oh, man. Is there a scenario in which the much Ballyhooed, multi-level business culture of Arizona State goes full six-sigma and goes like walking over hot coals on retreat? Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Give this to me. Earth doesn't rotate around the sun. Earth rotates around Arizona State. Yeah. Also, all the people they were like listen to the Joe Rogan podcast is all in your head, bro. I took DMT and I walked on that fire and I didn't feel a thing. Yeah, man. I heard of interview Herm Edwards for two hours and 13 minutes.

It was amazing. It was really good. I listened to it while I was a planet fitness. Sorry, while I was getting kicked out of Planet Fitness. While I was explaining to Planet Fitness employees, why they should, like, eat their own fingers. It's the latest health craze. I heard about it on Joe Rogan.

Eat your fingers. It'll make you live to the age of 300. What are we, Jason, what is the next personal habit you have that is going to be taken up by Silicon Valley assholes that you're going to have to get rid of. This is good. We should have to have this. Oh, God. Yeah.

Joe Rogan is going to be like, hey, guys, I've discovered running about six miles. And I would be like, fuck. I have nothing now. Because am I remembering this right? Before the accidental intermittent fasting thing, you were barefoot running and then like, oh, I know what it'll be. It'll discover it and you had to quit. Silicon Valley is going to be like, it turns out shorts make you more productive.

Hands are out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be like, hey, hey, we went to private schools and we all wear shorts now. I guess I'm going back to the old country and I'm wearing kiltz. Okay, so Cleveland Browns punter. The New York Times headline right here, you know, for lower legs, comma, a glimpse of the world. A glimpse of the future and freedom. This is horrifying.

So all we got to do is we just have to be ahead of them. We, all right, this is where, if you know how to make an app, please contact us so we can make S-H-R-T-Z short shirts? And then the next step past this, because Jason's going to go to wearing kiltz, so we'll need the next app, which will be K-R-S-K-R-T-Z. Yeah, the next one will be K-Y-L-T-Z.

Yeah. Oh, we got the ads right here, y'all. Kiltz for men. For men. Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. Too long you've been constrained by the duopoly of left-man. The duopoly of left-end.

Why does the state government want to keep your left leg from coming up to your right leg? Why regulate movement? Oh, it's going to, you know what's going to be terrible is like the business assholes who come up with this? They're going to be like, yeah, I figured out I could just like slip my dick over to one side and never even like unzip or take my pants off to piss. I just pissed down one short leg. Can't do that with pants. Bro, it's healthier. It is so much healthier.

You're returning, you're returning your body's nutrients to itself. Remember, flowers can't water themselves. but we can't your legs are sweating on each other that's what's happening yeah that's why we have thumbs right that's why we developed thumbs and plants didn't all right and that's why we eat plants that's why plants don't eat us and that's what i was thinking when i was fighting evo morales in the spirit realm as i did the other night joe rogan's over here like man that's crazy you really did that wow that is so wild if you go to homefield apparel dot com you can pick up and flyers kiltz right now.

That is so wild, bro. In this game, we have Mike Gundy and Jimbo Fisher, who I think make for a horrifying pair of final bosses. I don't even, like... Is this like the least likability aggregate between two coaches of any bowl game? No, no, I'm sorry. I forgot Alabama

Michigan are playing. Also, also, like, Mike Leach has been... That wasn't a bit. I really did forget. Mike Leach is facing the Mike Leach is facing the grouchy service academy coach. Yeah, never mind. I stand very much. But it is, it is on the metal stand, I think. That's fair.

Gundy at least has his, like, amusing meme moments when he's not being, like, horrifying uncle. His place should be in, should be familiar to Gandhi. But definitely, if you think of two coaches that will be happy to be in the Texas Bowl, it's not these two. No. These two rich motherfuckers. Texas is rich, just like Jimbo. Mm-hmm. And just like Mike Gundy, yeah.

Yeah, also rich. Not as rich as Jimbo is. I'm sure Jimbo is about to remind him. Hey, Mike Gundy, invest in shirts. I'm rich. I'm richer than Garthorke's breakfast. I just really want the moment where Jimbo leans over to Gundy and says, Hey, how do you get your hair to grow like that?

Or alternatively, Jimbo shows up to the press conference with a full mullet of his own. wearing a mullet yeah and it's like yeah it's always looked like this i know what you're talking about asking what the secret is just styling it different is it is it jimbo buys gundy's mullet because he's because i'm just that rich i bought his hair you know what the secret is you put tortellini in your breakfast just your hair pops right up yeah you know tortellini does look like a pin curl