Shutdown Fullcast - A Survey of Dumb Dogs

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

Let us assemble to talk about the only pressing subject in college football or the world at large: dogs, and the very dumb things they eat/do/think. (WARNING: Also contains discussion of Spencer pooping outdoors.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. That's correct. Brought to you by quarantine. Remember quarantine. It'll make you your worst self all the time. That was like the three yard out of welcomes. Like I think your welcomes, you know that the chart where you track like the depth and location of passes. That to me was like, okay, Spencer just got one out to the tight end.

It was open. No, I'm not saying it was the wrong decision. In fact, I appreciate that you don't always just heed the deep ball. You got to keep them on their toes, right? That was the Jake Browning of welcomes. Okay, well, see, now Jason was the mean one, not me. It completed. Now it's second and seven.

What? Now you got options, right? Got three yards. We can get another, I can throw another one of those, and we can be at, you know, third and four. Yeah. And then we have to run. you got to keep the playbook open is what i'm saying okay right right especially in these troubled times how how y'all hanging in well i'm uh we're recording this during the day what time is

it yeah we're recording this during the day which is not a thing we usually do especially during quarantine what in month is it um it's still april okay um so you might hear my shrieking toddler at some point who's just been a gem lately just really at one point this was like two nights ago she was having oh no it was on Easter because it was candy fueled she had the most epic meltdown she's had in probably her entire life and at one point she closed the like toddler gate so she couldn't get out then she took her bathroom stool and tried to use it to scale the toddler gate that was confiscated and screaming and crying she looked at me and said but how will little norah reach the bathroom sink she went third person yes she went third person yeah she said

the rock says yes that's right and that's when i knew that i am destined to lose this battle anyway i'm fine my younger my younger son said dad when you die i won't miss you and i will have a really good life. Jesus Christ. I feel like, Ryan and Spencer, I feel like your kids say this shit a lot.

And at this point, I believe them. Yeah, I mean, I don't think they're being coerced into saying it. Can I tell you

what was at stake here? Yeah. I would not let him eat crackers straight out of the box. Sure. You bastard. Sure. Yeah.

Have we told the story on the show of when your younger son, when you first realized, your younger son had a concept of death? No, go ahead. Yeah, it was at school, right? There were, oh, there are two stories about this. I forgot, there's the one with his teacher.

No, you'll have to tell me. I forgot which one. There are many. The one that I was thinking of was the time when he came running up to you looking for his mom. And you said, you know, mom was sleeping. She's taking a nap. Don't bother her. And he looks at you, very concerned.

He goes, but she'll wake up, right? And you're like, yes, yes, she'll wake up. and she'll get, you know, and she'll play with you or whatever. And he goes, and then one day, not? And you turned gray while he just turned around and ran straight into the backyard without a care in the world. Yeah. Yeah. My child, my child, the undertaker.

It's like the movie AI. Shoot, now I can't remember that. Oh, it was when he told his teacher that he did not, who had a picture of his, I was there because I was reading to the class. And he was when he told his teacher that. who had a picture of his dead grandmother on his desk that he did not think the grandmother was a ghost. He was like, she's probably just dead. Yeah, thanks.

Anyway, tune in next week for our episode, which is all about horrifying shit children have said to you. I would like to hear, you know, we never hear anything from Jason's rowdy daughter. Jason, did she have any fun death experiences growing up? Has she ever said anything like super dark? No. She's always been the coolest person I,

since she was like three. I'm trying to think of the meanest thing she's ever said to me. And, you know, to be like, she'll tell Emily, I love you good night and like not notice I'm in the room. Oh, oh, sorry, daddy. You know, I'll get over it. It's okay. But, like, that's the extent of our emotional warfare.

However, we also are gifted with four bonus children who are like the cousins. And most of them are pretty cool most of the time. One of them is, I think she's Genghis Khan reborn. She is an absolute psychopath. The other night, she ran into the street, like, basically daring a car to hit her. And, you know, we're screaming, Aspen, get out of the street. And, of course, she charges back in. The car is parked.

She's standing there staring at it. Like, I'm running into the street to drag her out of the street. And, you know, then it's giggle time. Ha, ha, ha, I dared a car. Like, she's three, by the way. Sure. and yeah yeah standing out there like she's

fucking Wonder Woman gonna you know let the car hit like it oh my god she was she was gonna punch the car yeah she's gonna like just giggle at the car until it I don't know turns into a there's not really anything she likes so there's nothing she would want it to do she just wanted to stay a car that'd be her favorite thing to happen but yeah

when she's not here everything is sunshine and roses what Transformers movie is it when they're oh no it's black panther when they just punched down on the hood of the and it flips over? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like that, but without even any punching. Just, I'm just going to stand here.

Yeah. So, in other words, it sounds like we're all doing great and children are waiting for us to die. Which I kind of want to be like, now is the, now is the worst time for you to wish for us to die, kid. Because, like, you know, you're going to have to deal with all the problems. Yeah, you're stuck here with my rotting corpse. Right. Exactly. Idiot.

Yeah, or you'll have to reanimate me, and that'll be a pain in the ass. Oh, God, there's so much waste. You're going to be stuck here turning my skin into clothes. Won't that suck for you? Or the comedy of lugging me around like it's a weekend at Bernie's situation. Thick Bernie. Yeah, thick Bernie. Weekend at Burleys.

Wow. Oh, my God. Sir, why do you have that rest stop stuffed bear? I'm sorry I think you were going to be waste. I will use every part of you. Thank you. Thank you. Like the Buffalo and the Native American of your, you'll use the entire animal.

The cats will eat like. I was going to say the cats are going to really enjoy this. That's my favorite stat in the book about, I listen to a podcast about from a forensic, this is a crimping thing, a forensic veterinarian. If you know, yeah,

a forensic veterinarian. In other words, the dead animal. Who shot this cat? This cat, shoot. Get in line, yeah. Yeah. Like a cat has a,

a cat has like a 22 hole in it, and it instantly, the forensic veterinarian says, I don't think it was. cat on cat violence the cat was already dead when they shot it do you suspect foul play no it was not a bird

did the cat have any enemies everything everything it's a cat so I was listening to a forensic veterinarian on a podcast I think it was the hoarders podcast actually talking about the issues that they had with hoarders and

when asked which animal will eat you first the dog would wait you know 24 48 hours the cat about two the cat instantly forgot you know just like well there's this big thing here like it was sad for like 90 minutes then at the 91st minute the cat was like chow now i think that's like when he'd turn in found property to the cops and after a certain amount of time it's yours that the cat just 90 minutes is the amount of time Yeah. It's kind of like a common law marriage. You just become common law snack. Like this is the amount of time I will allow your family to collect the body. And if not, it's mine.

I also appreciate that if you, there's probably a cat in this world who checks on the sleeping owner just to see if they can eat it yet, right? Like, uh, still food source or still actual food source. So are you saying that, like, to cats, we are food that's in, like, a very, very slow cooker. And they're just constantly checking and saying, nope, not ready yet. Just low and slow. We're the steak that brings them steak, right? Right. We're continually feeding them. And then at one point, we will be the feed.

That's for cats. Dogs, I feel like dogs just do that in a starvation situation. And they probably cry while they eat you. Speaking of dogs. Speaking of dogs. I was on that segue. It just took a minute to get there. Speaking of dogs.

So one of the things to keep people distracted is thinking about, you know, your favorite things, happy things. And one happy thing for me are dogs, but not just dogs. Like everybody generally likes dogs. If you meet somebody who says, I don't like dogs, they probably have a really good reason for that. Like, a dog attacked me. and it was very scarring, or, you know, a dog repossessed my home, and I'm mad at him forever. I lost a, I lost a contentious court case to a dog lawyer. Yes, yes, dog lawyers, fearsome, fearsome dog lawyer.

What a dog lawyer even do? It's what it doesn't do. That's really so powerful. I have an emotional appeal to the jury sits there, looks, dispute. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Also, single-minded. Like, if you get, if you get like a beagle or something, they're just going to lock on the weak point in the other side's case. Dog lawyer, do you have any questions for this witness? No, you must be extremely confident. I like that about you, dog lawyer. It's kind of, it's kind of an indictment of overall competency in the legal profession that there are cases where a dog lawyer probably would have done better than the human. Yes. 100%.

I can tell you for a fact that's true, and I know that because it is not, to the best of my knowledge, it is not a violation of your professional responsibility such that you would have to, like, overturn a criminal conviction for your lawyer to be drunk or high while they are representing you. Yeah, and a dog's just a dog. And a dog is substantially less likely to get high. Yeah, being a dog that was kind of like being drunk all the time. but functionally drunk functionally drunk but like

I gotta lay down oh why am I eating this I'm peeing outside a lot of parallels between drugs and dogs I'm not scared of anything I'm also scared of everything I'm going to get to a fight

oh that didn't go well I'm laying on the front porch yelling hey hey hey hey don't let me out oh you shouldn't let me out I'm now I'm naked I'm just naked and run all over the place

biting stuff go balls so what I wanted to talk about specifically wasn't dog lawyers I wanted today to talk about dumb dogs dumb dogs are a delight to me because yes

all dogs are not as as humans, no matter what you may claim. They're just not as smart as humans. However, in the dog community, there are some dogs who are so spectacularly stupid as to be genuinely endearing. My best example of this is a dog my family had named Gus. Gus was a boxer, and Gus the boxer did not understand anything. He did not understand object permanence if you covered a tennis ball with your hand or a bowl, the dog was like, what? It's mind freak. Oh, my God, you're a crusadal.

How did you do that? That dog reacted to simple things like that or going in a closet and shutting the door, which I did. You'd go, hmm, I'm going to go in the closet and shut this door. And I'll hide behind stuff in the closet. And you would do that. And the dog would go like, the dog would react, like people on the street react to David Blank hard tricks.

Just, whoa, brouha, witch. Oh, my God. It also would go and eat cicadas when the 14 or 17 years would come out. It would eat so many cicadas that it would get stuck in the jowls. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It would hear a from inside itself. From inside its mouth, I wonder where it was coming from. This is so upsetting.

That's that next tail shirt. no that's that's just the plug that's that's pretty much where gus was gus was the dumbest animal i have ever met he was real cool but he was extremely stupid to the point where he never really understood faucets if you turn them on and water came out of them he would stare at them as if they were a threat to his very person he sounds like he sounds a little bit like a time traveler from like The Dark Ages. He was unfrozen caveman dog.

Right. Okay. He really was. He did not understand any of our modern ways. He was, he never really also understood, you know, when dogs encounter possums or raccoons, owners will say, well, the dog thinks that the possum is just another dog and doesn't understand why it can't be friends. No, Gus believed possums were an existential threat and would attempt to fight them. A possum is the worst fight in the world. It just does not make sense.

A possum will either attempt to tear a dog's guts out or we'll play dead. Those are the two options. They're both really, really humiliating to watch as your dog cannot figure out the proper course of action, which is just to leave the goddamn thing alone. So I wanted to talk about dumb dogs, and we asked the listenership and the followership to contribute their favorite dumb dogs, and might I say, this bumper crop of stupid dogs constitutes the finest selection of idiot canines on the planet. I don't think it can be topped. Normally, normally when you ask people for their best stories, you get some good, some bad. Some people

don't understand the assignment, but really try. Some people just want to talk about other stuff. Everyone here zeroed in completely. The worst misses that we got from asking people for this were adorable pictures of their dogs that's it that's the worst people did with oh look at this bag boy up on the couch right there were also some people who i would argue actually they said their dog was dumb but they got outsmarted like i won't out who this person was but somebody was like i taught my dog how to fetch the paper through this like you know training process whereby the dog got a treat if it followed the certain steps blah blah and then the next morning I woke up

and the dog had brought me every paper from the neighborhood and that's not a dumb dog that's a smart dog that's a try hard dog which is a different kind of problem sure but it's not dumb that's a dog that's a dog telling you

you need to go make friends that's a dog social engineering your life that dog has hacked the local economy that's a gig economy dog that's correct that's right that dog is going to make you work for 325 an hour are there benefits no no none uh so everybody pretty much nailed this and even when they missed it we got cool pictures of dogs y'all it's great um so we wanted to go ahead and and share a couple

of those because my god y'all got some dumb dogs extremely dumb i'm i'm gonna start off here with a pick from uh from writer lindsay adler covers baseball for the athlete She said that her dog squeezed himself through a fence for some reason, instantly regretted it, and sat quietly in a bush until we retrieved him. This is Fisher. Fisher is like a little white 25-pound spitzie-looking thing. Kind of looks like the dog, and I mean this as a compliment, kind of looks like the dog that you win if you hit all of the milk bottles down at the Coney Island. right just an adorable fluff ball of a dog and i like that this dog got into the wrong place understood it and then also understood i lack the ability to escape this situation just went into safe mode just went like homing beacon retrieve um in a similar in a similar

vein this one from Rougaroo LSU had an Irish setter named Brandy Lynn great name for a dog by the way who couldn't be bothered to get off the couch when the burglars broke in and ransacked the house and I like this mostly because I assume the burglars broken, saw the dog on the couch and for a brief minute we're like fuck

we might have to bail this might be about to turn bad but they wait waited and they waited and the dog did nothing and they probably were like okay let's like try to be quiet and the dog did nothing and then they said oh this doesn't matter at all and then you know took whatever they wanted and turned the house upside down while the fucking dog slept on the couch the dog perhaps opens one eye the uh when i lived in gainsville there was a story and i don't really understand why the owner agreed to this other than the owner wanted to publicly shame their dogs in the Gainesville son.

It was a story of a guy who had his entire gun collection stolen, which to me is always funny. I'm going to defend my house with my guns. Steal all 25 of them. And my huge Rottweiler, the guy had a Rottweiler, and he had a Chihuahua. Guess what the lead photo on the story about this burglary was, a smiling photo of the Rottweiler and the Chihuahua, who wag their tails and happily greeted the thieves,

who took everything this dude had. including like 25 rifles. Outstanding. Let me ask you this. If you were a bank manager and you found out that overnight, the bank got hit for everything and the security guard on duty had done nothing about it and didn't have a story. What would you assume?

The guy gets fired. No, you'd assume he's in on it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Why are we not assuming? A person would do, yeah. Why are we not assuming that these dogs aren't in on it?

Because they're stupid. That's what they want you to think. No, they are stupid. You're right. Not the chihuahua. The chihuahua was in on it. The rottweiler was in on it. Yeah.

The Rottweiler worked very hard to escape this life and doesn't appreciate being so wild as a manner. Is there any chance the chihuahua has pacified the Rottweiler? I mean, I know chihuahuas are mean little assholes, but like, so are Rottweilers. No, they're great. I'm kidding. I'm sure the Rottweiler, by the way, saw the guys and the Chihuahua was like, it's cool that my friends.

It's fine. The Rottweiler was like, I trust you. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, that's the dynamic. I think I have the next one from Aubrey Scott 7. Aubrey D. Scott 7, excuse me. My friend got his dog a dog door. After taking hours to teach him how to use it,

I assume the dog, not the friend. he again I assume the dog ran in and out of it later that day they hear a loud thud against another door in the house the dog thought he'd been granted the magical ability to walk through any shut door like a cartoon character I'm a coyote

I'm Dr. Strange over here watch this Doggister Basically I think I think this reveals every dog believes they live in a cartoon you know like I heard a sound clearly it's it's probably an anvil I think about the dog is they will never suspect the anvil right that's right right you know

or or like what does a dog do when you know you're cooking literally anything they float through the air on the waves of aroma you know like a dog would be happy to run against a background that's just looping over and over and over again. Oh, he'd fucking love that. You know? Just hours, yeah. Most of you have met my now departed, like, 19-pound Boston Terrier, Jenna, who approached every police horse with the same energy, which was, that dog is almost as big as me.

Yeah. Dogs who have no concept of size are... That's great. So, there's another dog in my family that went in the other direction. this was okay the dumbest dog i've ever known as my sister-in-law's dog dave who is incredibly fierce looking when he's sitting still he's a he's some kind of german shepherd husky mix and then he turns to look at you and it's just like if there were little little scrolling kairons in his eyes that could just say dufus he would have he's the happiest dog i've ever met

he's a complete wuss um he gets stuck halfway through dog doors because I don't think the back half of his body talks to the front half. So he'll get his front legs and his head through the dog door and then immediately start to panic because he doesn't know where his back legs are and just sit there halfway through the dog door and howl and shriek in fear because a dog door that is made to fit him and will not go the rest of the way through the dog door because all of a sudden he cannot see his own tail. Options are I am Dave. I am Dave, and C, I am Dave.

I've got a special place in my heart for dogs that have vaguely old man people names, which is what led me to this next dog from user Kevin McDee 54. This dog's name is Frank, which is a wonderful name. My dog, Frank, got stuck between the toilet and the wall. We had to remove the whole toilet from the floor to get him out. and if you look at the photo there's a photo and that was the other thing that drew me to this because if you uh if you look at this frank bears a not slight resemblance to uh my other current living dog the famous champ yeah champ who is a cosmonaut trapped in a dog robot he is not

a dog yeah he champ doesn't appear on the show because he's not a dog um but do you want to tell the champ story? I should have had Floyd on it. I thought, you know, we dog sat for champ once, and there was a hole in the fence of our otherwise very tightly enclosed yard. And Champ, who at no point has displayed anything but an utter fear of the outside. No, Champ won't go through like a door that is barely cracked open. Yeah.

Champ won't go near somebody who moves too quickly. And by too quickly, I mean at all. Champ is perpetually terrified, and like a cosmonaut trapped in a dog robot, is really just trying to figure out how to get back to his home world. Does a lot of standing out in the backyard and staring straight up at the night sky without moving for hours on end. Deaking homing beacon. Homeing beacon. Download mission parameters. But anyway, a couple years ago, my husband was at a family wedding in Virginia, and I was in West Virginia covering a Marshall game.

when and champ was at your house and then he wasn't because overnight he squeezed through i think a three inch wide gap in the fence if you know a boston terrier i don't know how that head got through a three inch gap in the fence it was the only place he could have gotten out unless he teleported which he can do a real possibility and he got out we began searching the neighborhood thinking how far could he get could he have gotten to memorial drive because he's also very lazy. Yeah, there's no possibility this dog. And we were concerned because Memorial Drive is in close proximity

and Memorial Drive's a very busy surface street in Atlanta. We're like, oh no, what if he got near Memorial Drive? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get a call from a vet who found, or a woman who found him on I-20, interstate 20. Six and a half miles down I-20, going to

our house. Camp was commuting. Yes, six and a half miles. Got hit by a car at one point and flipped in the air. Clipped by a Subaru. Yes, and was fine. Not a Subaru, it was suburban. Fine.

Completely fine. Found him at the vet looking up like what? The pads on his feet were sore. Yeah. That was it. That was it. Has been cursed by Brian Floyd ever since as the biggest asshole dog. Dumbest goddamn dog I've ever done.

He's not dumb and he's not a dog. It's the problem. What does Floyd have to do with this? Floyd really took this personally Wait, let's let Floyd explain Yeah Oh, that's fair Okay, gotcha

Got it It makes sense when you tell it Yeah, so there's the longabout way Of Boston Terriers, not even once But dogs with people names, always My next one is from This one comes from The real source of this whole thread

was discussing Labrador Retrievers as being smart, something that a mental floss.com article claimed that this was an intelligent way. More like mental flaws. Yes. Something that Labrador's have because Labradors are so dumb

they think rocks are food. Somebody will email me or text me trying to explain this and the explanation is actually that labs have been overbred to the point where the kind of personality they have is also really tight with gluttoning, compulsive eating, or that would be real cool if you just didn't do that.

Don't try to explain anything to me on the internet ever, especially how dumb labs are, because you'll say, no, they're really smart. No, they're not. They're a dog, and they're a Labrador. That's two strikes down. Okay. Lovable, yes. Adorable, fine.

You know, great companions, sure. Smart. Hell no. This comes from the dumb eating category, which is from, I am spilly. The world's foremost expert on dumb eating, by the way. The world's foremost expert on dumb eating. Yeah, we should have seen this coming. Made a Nick Saban Jello mold once, right?

Nick's, the I'm Spilly's case was this, and it is very simple. He ate stares. Fucking Galactus. Well, yeah, it's, he really is Galactus because he's denying others the ability to move between worlds of the downstairs and upstairs. Like, upstairs and downstairs are quite literally different planes. That's right. That's right.

You will exist on two dimensions now, mortal. You will all sleep in the family room. What if they're all now trapped upstairs and he is now lord of the downstairs? He or she, I could say. Oh, the dream. Now I'm down here with the dog food. I know why the caged bird sings.

because it has all of the crackers if your dog is if your dog borders into the behavior of livestock and or goats that's a very stupid dog he ate stairs fuck like that's

that to me is the emotional opposite of baby shoes never worn like it's just so perfect he ate stairs it sounds to me It sounds to me like the dog is playing Minecraft and is planning to build other stairs elsewhere.

He eight stairs. He's going to go outside and then shit a whole new staircase. That's the second most... This is how I climb over the fence, finally. That's the second most harrowing phrase I've read this week next to Stephen Godfrey is typing. I love that this dog looks at an MC Escher painting and it's like, mm-hmm, delicious.

Where does it end? I can wait to find out. This buffet is amazing. Also in the dumb eating category from a Marine Corps duck was a picture of a dog who, quote, has had to have three major surgeries and several other hospitalizations because she panic eats socks. Anytime she's left alone for a few hours and they get stuck in her intestine. Oh, that is. we had a dog that she really liked eating toilet paper so she'd go grab it off the roll

and then like you can picture the comedy of this she would then start walking and you would have a trail of it and like it looked like a fucking family circus cartoon where there's like the trail all over the damn house toilet paper you know and then yeah eventually the whole role is gone she goes outside and shit's toilet paper

which is sort of a self-cleaning function. I think if you have a dog who compulsively stress eats socks, you have to agree to become a sandals family, an all-weather sandals family. Like, that seems like you have to just give in at that point. This is actually why TiVas exist. There's no other good experts. Yeah, I think that's right. I think, and if I knew somebody who only wore sandals all the time, and I finally was like, what, why don't you wear a fucking shoes? And they said, because my dog will eat. socks, and I'll have to take them to the hospital. I would say, okay, I get it, and I support your choices.

So, like, pets improve our lives in so many ways. They also forced us to do these insane life hacks. We're like, oh, shit, I forgot to put bear spray on my socks. Like, it's nothing, right? Like, oh, hold on. People do this in the positive sense, too, of pampering their animals. At one point, my sister has a history of getting dogs that she probably shouldn't have gotten. She got a corgi at one point.

What's wrong with getting a corgi? Corgis have a need for supervision, management, and a job. Corgis need to do something. Corgis need direction. They need interaction. My sister, not a great dog manager, frankly. And corgis need to work in a bureaucracy, okay? They need to be deployed.

They need timesheets. They need responsibilities and hierarchy, okay? They're not like a hound who's like, what are we doing today? just laying around occasionally bolting it stuff cool that's why i like hounds hounds are essentially anarchists they're like well i'm gonna do it hope you like it right corgis are like i'm i need to i need to do it but the forms i need to be praised am i a corky i need evalions oh jesus i'm a corgi yeah yeah i'm a bloodhound you know pretty much like bloodhounds are like yeah man it's cool i need to go eight miles in that direction right now then i'm gonna sleep that's uh it's cool that i don't take orders right

that's cool all right man so she got one of those and my mom would take it to she would take it to Sonic I would talk to her just as Queen Elizabeth does like what are you doing mom oh you know it's cool I got to go pick up I got to go pick up you know my granddaughter and I gotta get this dog a cherry life

then we got to go stop by the Sonic and get this dog a hamburger This dog loves ocean water God damn it it doesn't have oh god imagine dog vomit after ocean water that doesn't have to happen at all a frank acid trip

no but like that was that was part of the routine and then the dog was like well we're going to Sonic today right because we went to Sonic twice right oh fuck I actually would pay a lot of money

to hear Queen Elizabeth read the Sonic menus with 23 corgis in the car yeah Prince Philip like pressing the thing going I'm going to say something offensive into the street all right I've got the next one from David Guttenfelder

apologies if I said that wrong but I'm going to make up for it by reading the vet reported stomach contents of your dog who according to David, eats anything and fast. The vet reported stomach contents. A grapefruit-sized fibrous mass that was likely a welcome mat.

Wasps. It takes such a hard fast turn there. Wasps aren't wastes for the second thing on this. Ballpoint pin spring, Tylenol, rubber bands, grapes, and a lot of them. Ladybug. Fuck. I like that this dog's stomach contents are basically Spencer hurriedly packing for a trip. Man, this loot box sucks.

Oh, shit. I forgot my laptop charger, but I did bring wasps. Does anybody need wasps? I need to read the coda to this story because I'm trying to visualize how this would even work. Had to heimlich the dog twice. Wow. And out come wasps. Yeah, that'd be a neat.

trick. Stalk and summon wasps. It opens its mouth and boer. Oh yeah, that's an Eldridge terrier. Yeah, that's a John Carpenter terrier. My God. Jesus Christ. Okay, here's a brief one. This is from

this is from, wait, I had it, shit. All right, here it is. From Definitely Not Chuck. In his youth, this demo used to flip a laundry basket over his head and run through the house until he hit a wall. The picture that was attached to this tweet is not of a dog with a laundry basket on its head, but the dog is potentially trapped in a child's tent, and I assume about to pull a very similar stunt. But I like the idea of basically a dog decided.

that it is that it is turning itself into a cupa trooper via laundry basket I was thinking exactly the same thing basically but from the other direction laundry basket goes on and then the dog's ears it hears

I'm invincible through the wall I go I'm going to go down to the variety dumb category please do because there's an all star here from ad underscore rfm underscore where to start scars on her face from sticking her head

in a hot oven multiple times what you got there's a Sylvia Plath joke here I'm not going to make he just did it's not that kind of oven eats rocks this is a lab I can tell you

This is a lab or a lab makes. Champ eats rocks. It champ's not a dog. That's fair. I had to call dog poison control after she got on the counter and ate coffee, a bag of cough drops, banana peels, potatoes, and a two-pound box of chocolate. Christ. Holy crap.

That sounds like what Ed Orgeron would like stress eat. Yeah, this sounds like a compost pile. Yeah. Ran away from one dog walker on his first day was picked up by animal control. was fired by another dog walker. I'm pausing. Wait, hang on. How bad is it when a professional dog walker's like, nah, nah.

I just, no, not this animal. This dog ate my leg. I can't walk it anymore. And probably an uncertain, an uncertain paycheck from month to month in the best of times. And still, this person was like, no, thank you. Pass. pass I rate your dog two stars on Uber if you're a dog walker by the way and you say hey

somebody calls you and says hey I'd like you to walk my dog and you go cool and you show up and it's a panther on a leash but the panther's cool do you try it I think you I think you give it one try yeah yeah especially because you're like I don't know man me and the panther just vibe we're cool also party party is probably going to be like Oh, this is going to be my Tinder photo at some point. There's more, by the way.

Atecouch. It looked like a shark had taken a bite out of it. Stairs at the sun. This is my favorite. Dog just staring at this stuff. What is that? I promise you the dog is looking at the sun seeing like, God, one day I'm going to bite you.

And then we're going to just fucking dig a bite out of you. to reveal that this is a girl dog ruby ruby is all of this and so much more dumbness yeah that's man ruby might be the all-star here because stares at this wait okay can there holly can you read the one from gurgling cod because i think that has some potential to upset from front of the program gurgling cod nick was a first of all people named nick was a german shepherd we had back in the 80s his best trick was when we would go to the lake and he would make a splash with his paw, then try to bite the splash, making another splash, which then needed biting. He would ingest approximately one-fourth of the volume of the lake, which he would then puke up in the back

of our Volvo. This dog is altering the water table. Yeah, this dog waterboarded itself, man. That's pretty... This is literally one of like, you know, like Hercules is seven feet or whatever. literally one of Thor's is to drain an ocean by drinking this is one of the seven Chinese brothers right like you will drink the ocean wow yeah that's oh it looks in the corner of the Lasco paintings

there's a sensible boxy station wagon I have that's the worst part if you've had a dog that does this kind of stuff you know it's coming I'm going to put this up for discussion because I have thoughts about Dave and now I have a second set of data given this dog, Nick. Are German Shepherds cats? A lot of biting. A lot of paranoia and fear.

They're cops. And we've discussed on this podcast previously that cats are not cops. I was wrong about this. Cats are detectives. Yeah, they're detectives, right? Yeah, like PIs? Yes. You can't, you can't rein them in.

They can't work in a system. I'm so thankful we've returned with this conversation after five years away. Yeah. It's one of my favorites. But I think they're not cops or they're not, they're not cats because they're cops. And those two circles do not overlap in anything at all. They connect distally at the private investigator.

German shepherds are troops. Are German Shepherds MPs? Yeah. Yeah. There we go. Middle ground. Literally there are these, yeah. I want to bring

into it. That's no fun. I have a couple that remind me of our last two dogs from, I believe, this is pronounced Healy Bell, ate one of those big crayon packs. We had a rainbow-colored yard for a few days after. This reminds us of, this was the same dog I mentioned earlier that we eat toilet paper. She would eat literally anything.

She was mostly dachshund, but had the soul of a goat. You know, like if we're missing something in the house, go check the backyard because it's in a pile of shit somewhere. But I love, like, you know, I'm just decorating. Your backyard is beautiful. Like, the spring is blooming. Worst Easter ever. The other here from Chris J.J. Lane,

my two-year-old kid pooped on the floor during potty training. In the four-year-old golden doodle in an act of solidarity, walked over to her and started pooping right next to her. We have no choice but to stand. This reminds, this is basically Batman, our current dog, who we found out this week he also answers to Banana Man. He will go and, next to Evie when she's doing her yoga, he'll go and do the dog yoga thing, like, mimicking her poses.

It's adorable. And next I'm going to have to ask her to poop on the floor to see if he'll, you know, if he'll do that as well. quarantine's going great day day 38 without sports somebody has time for this I want somebody to go through all the Chris Nolan Batman films and change

every time a character says Batman to Banana Man also I mean there are plenty of easy images on the internet of people wearing banana suits so like we get the visuals going as well yeah I mean just picture the comedy of Bain holding a banana above his head and then smashing it over

you know think about it this is a perfect on-ramp to the discussion of Alex McDaniel's dog Carl sweetest pup on earth says Alex dumb as rocks after weeks of him not answering to his given name Dallas well there's your mistake my dad got fed up and called him Carl as a joke he walked right up to him this is I have come to the conclusion over the past few

weeks of shut and aude that the full cat does not understand his own given name, which is Joe. He is answering to Hellbender at the moment. Sure. Who wouldn't? That's a very, that's like a very Ghostbusters twist where you're like, I'm like, did I, you know, I wanted to give you a cutesy Halloween name because you were a black cat and I brought you home the week of Halloween. And after almost 10 years, I'm convinced that you don't know what your name is. Call me Keymaster. He appears. to like Hellbender. I have,

I'm going to do two because they're semi-related. They're both in the dumb hoop and puke category. The first is from Yeah, the first is from ESPN's own Bill Barnwell, and this is... This is my favorite

visual out of the entire thread. Yes, because it does come with a photo. The dog... Also, this happened that day. This happened the day of the thread. Yeah. Literally, this morning tried to poop on an incline and got so distracted by the poop rolling down the hill that she fell over. That's, that's, that's, that's beautiful. Have you looked, have you looked at the picture? Yes, yes. It's like a little designed astroturfy hill in an urban area that is clearly

made for pooping. And the dog is facing straight down hill. It's got some, it's got some slope to it, too it's not like a gentle rolling it's like if you were trying to hit a golf ball off of this you would have trouble keeping your balance i will tell you having like poop having pooped on a hill before pooped off of a cliff before okay or off a cliff side in a dire climbing situation many many years ago the visual is pretty distracting i was roped in so i couldn't really have fallen off she's just on a leash Spencer, I'm going to ask you a question, and you can answer it however you, however you choose. How many times have you pooped outside as an adult? Probably 20.

I mean, I've done some camping and spent some time outdoors. Yeah, sure, sure. Does that count here, though? Because I don't feel like, yeah, yeah, I want to, I want to eliminate camping from it. How many times in an emergency situation and or recreationally have you pooped out of doors? Yes, how many times? when the plan was not like camping the plan is to poop outdoors okay here we go how many times did you have an unplanned at the start of your day outdoor poop right i think right it sounds like

what you're asking is a situationally incongruous outdoor poop correct yes how many times you have to call a poop audible does does i mean it does it does yeah you're definitely okay uh in that case three. Okay. Okay. That's, you know what? When you said 20, I assumed they were all 20 bad ones. So I feel much better that the number is three. I will tell you that all of those happened running and all of them were horrible. They're all the worst day in your life. They're really, really bad. That's why we only do strength training now, baby. Yeah. See what you card. Listen, strength training, I know I'm going to be, I know, how's this? If you squat, you know where you're going to be squat. you're out running running you know whenever they have those like mystery poopers it's always some kind of like depraved distance runner yeah who ends up finding one place they really like and then just and like something grabs a hold of their brain breaks it and they just end up moving right and they catch them on camera this adjunct professor who loves half marathons right just couldn't stop pooping behind the circle k on s condido and seventh yeah couldn't stop doing it that's

I get that, but three times. I think three, maybe four. Yeah. Okay, we're not going to get into that part, but yeah, okay. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. Let's get into the maybe four.

We are receiving a rapid up sign, and I'm wondering if I might skim to the end and pick one that nobody claimed, but that I think should be the perfect summation for this experience. Please. And it's better, it's kind of the spiritual opposite. of listing the stomach contents of the dog because it's what is not said in this story that lets your

imagination run wild. I'm going to butcher this username from Twitter user vomocytosis. My last dog was literally in the Wall Street Journal for getting expelled from doggy daycare.

Leaving jail. Was your dog also a white collar criminal? Yeah.