Shutdown Fullcast - Actual Football News, Offseason Halftime Hangover Edition

Episode Date: May 28, 2019

Look, it's the incredibly rare bird known as An Offseason Fullcast Episode About Football! As we start counting down to the start of the 2019 season, we want you to feel fully informed about the news in our fair sport, including: - Rule changes! - Video game changes! - Coaching changes! In the XFL! - Beer changes! - Hockey! For real, hockey! On a more serious note, we want to send our condolences to the friends and family of Auburn radio announcer Rod Bramblett and Paula Bramblett, who died in a car accident over Memorial Day weekend. If you're interested in participating in the fundraiser for their children, the link's below. https://www.gofundme.com/rod-and-paula-bramblett-family-memorial-fund Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. Oh, it's about halftime in this offseason, y'all. In case you didn't know, by that I'm referring to the college football offseason because your ears are currently vibrating with the power of the Internet's only college football podcast, The Shutdown Fullcast. What offseason were you worried that people thought it was? The NHL offseason, which would be erroneous in at least three dimensions. Okay.

Is it hockey season? Yeah, Stanley Cup finals started last night, I believe. Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention because Nashville's not involved. If it ain't the Preds, then it's dead. It's just nice to see Boston College fans have something to root for in the postseason. It's a hard life. It's always the same schedule as the NBA, so they can please like my sport, so they can say, like, oh, we're in overtime. Therefore, our sport is superior.

Counter-programming. You need to tune into NBC SN12 to see this triple overtime game 7. I do worry that hockey has too much heart-stopping action. You know, like there's a finite amount of stress that one can handle in an end-of-game situation. Hockey does these like 7-0-T, tied 4-4, 8 players have been disembound. It's like watching Arkansas Ole Miss every night. It is. It's like a telenovela. At one point, you just say, I've reached my limit. This is enough. I cannot possibly be more stressed than I am right now. That's also why sudden death is the best Jean-Claude Van Damme movie that doesn't involve time travel. Important asterisk there.

I was going to say, don't slander time cop in his perfectly spherical buttocks. Don't. You know, give Jean-Claude Van Damme credit for a lot of things. But the split in Time Cop, it's an iconic movie. moment. Sudden death, a movie that suggests a random stranger could suit up a goalie and successfully block a pro hockey player shot in the playoffs. We've never tried this. You can't

prove it. That's true. I mean, you're covering a lot of the net just standing there. Right? So, I'm thinking, chances are you might. Like, they're better than your average, they're better than your average Joe versus pro

situation chances, in my opinion. right like you're not going to block an NBA player shot right it is not happening right it's just not there are things that will not happen you're not going to block an NBA player shot chances are if you put up 10 shots against an NBA player you will miss all 10 you might not even get them off how I was going to say if you if the average forecast listener were to take play one-on-one with an NBA player they're just on offense the whole time the the player the The player's just playing defense. Ten shots.

How many are they getting off cleanly? Zero. Zero. Not a single one. Is the player committed the entire time? At what point does laughter take it? In Reddit, who would win terms? Is the player bloodlusted?

Let's say the player is giving 85%. You're not getting it off. That's plenty. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. You're not. And if that player, and I'll just go a step further. Yeah.

If that player is over 6'4, the chances are zero. It's not happening. That wingspan, like, people don't understand what it's like to shoot over somebody that tall. It's just, like, imagine Janus. It's just not comprehensible. All right. So next year, if we hit $200,000 in the charity drive, Spencer will play one-on-one against Kauai Leonard. Yeah.

Will either of your feet leave the ground at any time? Yeah, I got that Zach Randolph-ups, right? Set shooter, throwback. That's actually what. thought of first when you said NBA players like define an NBA player like if I had to learn to play basketball that's the only possible NBA player I could even hope to model a single action of why would you want to be anybody else I know because he just uses his butt you could be you could be late you could be late stage Antoine Walker don't sell yourself short no that's true

Zach Randolph is the ultimate like wedding guest dancer on the court yeah but Zach Randolph also like to like bang in the low post I heard it yes but late stage Antoine Walker you're just like floating out to three taking a bad shot and just being like well maybe I'll play defense probably not I have seen Spencer do an Antoine Walker shimmy after bowling

a strike so this could work well I can subscribe to our college football podcast Spencer who is the living basketball player retired that you think you could be competitive against one on one living basketball Bill Russell Bill Russell

I bet Bill Russell would work your ass You think All right, he'd work me for one play Yeah Isn't there someone Bill Russell's age Who isn't Bill Russell? Oh no, I know who I would work Bob Coosie

Now, he'd work your ass too, man No, no, no, Bob Boise moves I've seen the gif No, no, no, I'm pulling, listen You think I'm not gonna pull a Bruce Bowen on him And karate kick him in the neck The first chance I get That's all I'm doing

He was in blue chips with Nick Nolte What are you gonna do that Nick Nolte wasn't doing. Drugs-wise? Nothing. He's got everything on me. Nick Nolte once greeted three people there to do an interview and junk it with him. They came to his house and he said, I'll fix you lunch.

And he went out and picked four tomatoes from his backyard and said, there you go. Okay, Jason, now that we've talked about Nick Nolty and Blue Chips, can you explain the premise of today's episode? So as you can tell, based on the content of our college football podcast episode so far, There is no college football. We are almost literally in the bottom of the valley of the off season. Therefore, let's do a little mid-pointer. Let's do a little halfway check-in. Make sure we all reach the finish line together.

A little pit stop. The empty quarter, if you will. The buckies. This is the next wave. This is the next wave of journalism. Like, everybody in journalism right now is all, how do we get people the news faster leaner quicker what we're saying is more like no we will store up the news and deliver it to you in three months chunks this is bristle based news that's right

this is hard tech news we're this is an axios this is like slaxios this is like you don't you really don't need the news yeah we said it mike allen i do i do like the idea of this this exact episode is your last buckies until you reach lubbock look look people found out Bob Stoops, step down from Oklahoma from this podcast, weeks after it happened. Months. Months after it happened. Yeah, people were writing in, like, week two, like, you know. Oh, thanks for the heads up on that, y'all.

Now I won't be surprised when I went. Listen, this is the podcast where food-wise, we only eat it if it came right off the grill, or if it's been buried in the ground in a jar for six months. Dirt age. So in the interest of being your press, Pepper's College Football Podcast. Let's do the Jay Leno thing. Let's spin a newspaper at you.

Yeah, yeah. You see what are we got here? What are we got? What are we got? Beer sales? Eh. Yeah. I'm shaking my head.

You can't see, but I am. Are you wearing, like, an outrageous amount of denim? I'd say it's a tasteful amount of denim, sir. All right? How do you even wear denim in May in New York? It's the most deranged human being in that he puts on, like, dad jeans from 1990 and says I'm going to belt them and put them with a denim shirt that man that man in any other case would be profiled as a serial killer I think denim in New York and may works if it has

like NASCAR style looney tunes all over it like you're like 2002 camera on wait what's I'm going to the Hamptons it's my summer wear oh god oh I just gave Ryan a seat easier. I hate that this is happening. All right. So, Ryan, you got the spinning headline. What's the first on the list? First up, I'm actually going to play a game with y'all. This is very Jay Leno tonight show because, yep, we are.

Deal with it. All right. All right. Fuck. As you all know, the AAF has, maybe you don't know, the AAF has come and gone, made sail off into Valhalla with no money whatsoever. The money is all gone. including several vendors who were just like, yep, we're a high school stadium and we're owed $30,000. Thanks.

But we're going to play real or fake XFL coach because the XFL, smartly, patiently, all the things that Vince McMahon is known for, biting its time, building a strong business. I have four real XFL coaches and four fake ones, and I want you all to tell me which ones are which, okay? We're going to start with what I think is an easy one. Bob Stoops, real or fake XFL coach. Fake, he's still at Oklahoma. I learned that on the full cast. Spencer and Holly? I heard from the fake news that it was real, but Jason has me considering.

So I'm going to go with, it's real, he's real. That's correct. He's the head coach of the Dallas franchise. I did not bother looking up the names of these because that won't matter yet. Jack Del Rio, real or fake XFL. coach. Fake, he's at USC. Real? Real? Fake. Not an XFL coach. You know what? I don't believe

that. Yeah, how current is that news? Okay. Okay, I should say head coach. It's possible that he's bawling out as an assistant somewhere. Can't prove that he's not. Ron Turner, real or fake XFL coach? Fake. Please say fake. Fake. he's fake fake xfl coach fake xfl coach

all right Mark Trestman real or fake XFL coach That's a good pull brand That's I'm inclined to lean real Partly because

I only know of him as a pro coach So I'm sure he stayed pro I'm gonna go real I don't know man He's real He's coaching Tampa bye oh that's upsetting bobby ross real or fake xfl coach that's not a real person fake that's got to be fake that is a made-up name he's like 95 yeah bobby ross is very old he is not a real

xfl coach and if he were real he would have quit by the end of this podcast pep hamilton do they have a san diego franchise not to my knowledge okay then bobby ross can't go there um pep hamilton real or fake xFL coach real real yeah let's go real yeah he's coaching in D.C. Jim Zorn, real or fake XFO coach. Come on.

She should insist that that is also a made-up name. Speaking of D.C., Jim Zorn was a trick-play legend when he was a quarterback in the NFL, and he was also a trick-play legend for bad reasons when he was a coach in the NFL. I'm going to go real.

He's real, baby. He's back. He's back in Seattle, his old stopping ground. Okay, last one. Terry Bowden, real or fake XFL coach? Fake. Jeffie Bowden, however, is in line to be commissioned. Real, he's leaving the Montgomery Alabama franchise. I regretted for me to my knowledge there's not a Montgomery franchise.

Terry Bowden is in fact, for now that you know of. A fake XFL coach. Wait, so where's Jeffie? Jeff Bowden? We got to keep an eye on him. All right, hold on. Let's do a quick live. I mean, I know he's playing Xbox wherever he is. All right. His most recent job, he was special teams and wide receiver coach at Akron with his brother.

Right. Remember because their dad made him bring him along? Yeah, that's true. But he has not, I don't know what he's doing since his, since Bro Bro got fired. Hold on, top 10 Jeff Bowden, LinkedIn profiles. Are any of you, man, there are so many Jeff Spouten. I have a bonus XFL question for you that gets into the staff. Okay. All right. True or false? Hal Mummy is an offensive coordinator in the XFL.

True. That's true. 100% true, y'all. That is Bob Stoops' offense. Bob in retirement's gone wild and man. First call he made for offensive coordinator. Hal Mummy. Let's roll.

Yeah, man. Nobody's wearing underwear on that staff. Why Cedric the entertainer on the side? lines. I mean, yeah, what better describes the ethos, the XFL? I mean, I'm already I'm already, I'm already stepped on my fucking freeballing, Joe. I'm so sorry. I promise not to interrupt any of your testicle-based tumor from here forward. Dallas might be the lean for the XFL, by the way, in early innings for a staff,

just based on the hire of Hal Mummy alone. I don't know the names of any of these franchises, like I said. I can look that up. I don't think they're announced yet. They've just name the cities? I think that's right. Huh. Because as you know, like you said, Mr. Mann is very slow and cautious with his branding decisions. Doesn't rush things, consistent storylines. So, really taking

his time to get it right. I'm a craftsman. So, I will go over the overtime rules for the XFL because it will be a good segue for our next news topic. Does anybody know how overtime's going to work in the XFL? Is this all news for all three of you?

Is this the one we're basically both teams are on the field at once um oh wait is this the multi-ball one no this is kind of like a mix of football and a soccer penalty shootout where there are five rounds where the offense can score a point they start at the five they either um the offense can score a point by converting in the end zone the defense can score a point by forcing a turnover which makes the play dead and yes both teams are on, that's the, the wrinkle here is that both of these are happening, I guess simultaneously, I'm not entirely sure

how that will work. Yeah, I'm mostly interested in this because they, I'm wondering how they got this past their TV partners? Yeah. Like, how are you supposed to call this? Well, unless it's a split screen and both of them are calling it at the same time. Or, or maybe they're just alternating, like maybe you go.

I would guess they've got to take turns. North end zone, south end zone. North end zone, south end zone. It's going to be real weird. It's going to be real, real weird. also what if they're encouraged to make up complex dance routines on the field while the other team is playing at the other end it'd be rude not to all the backups have to stand at midfield and dance yeah jason why did i bring up overtime because we have new exciting overtime rules in our sport what the overtime was already um conducive to oddity uh as we know we have the superior overtime system in football at least until vincent man unveils his and there's also there's a there's a backyard football game back yard football game going on at the same time and anything is legal there you can use a hacksaw if you want there are actually lots of rules in this ex-fL also the fans are fighting each other just to be clear the floor is lava just we're not that far off that was that was that was

that was more or less the premise of the original XFL yeah it'll be the the squabble and the Who decides the 18th overtime? Guess who you've got a fight? That's right. Roman reigns. He's got a shoehorn his ass into everything. Stop the game. Stop the game.

Stop the game. Bronze Roman is coming out. Now we're talking. Wait, wait. Bob Stoops, you're fired. So until that happens, we have the Superior Overtime. It has a new wrinkle this year, thanks to LSU and A&M becoming it's a contender for the stupidest game in football history and that's saying

a fucking lot because the NCAA does not like the idea of its minimally compensated athletes being out there for it's like six hours with no no actual promised end in sight they've added a new rule where beginning in the fifth overtime it's nothing but two-pointers it's bonus rent lightning round which this is of course the previous wrinkle was beginning in the third you have to go for two after touchdowns now we're just skipping all that shit basically we have like a fortnight battle royale where the field is constantly shrinking over the course of overtime and you know maybe in a few years it's like yeah well in the seventh overtime you're already in the end zone and then it's uh then it's up to dances or sportsmanship sportsmanship that's how we decide

end zone sportsmanship I like the idea of trying to start in your own end zone and then seeing like you have to get out right like where they're always saying oh this really favors offenses right doesn't favor defenses but like the opposite of capture the flag right right siege captured the flag we start it's the Houdini over time we're like we start you in the barrel full of water you got to get out you're in a glass cube

and it's suspended over time square David Blaine on three David Blaine on three Hey I'm David Blaine Blaine welcome to pack 12 after dark No no no go on Again I'm vibein

feeling this Go cats here we go All right cool Yeah this is That is I really want that overtime setup because I know eventually I will see the 99 yard touchdown

Off it The best possible outcome in the Houdini overtime, the 99 yard. I don't think passing TD is quite as funny as if somebody actually ripped off a 99 yard rushing TD off that. Oh, God, that'd be just beautiful. Some people are upset about the new overtime, as they are, about anytime anything changes. Like, oh, my precious beloved six overtime period.

That's happened like seven times in the last 20 years. Why do you want more Arkansas football? What's wrong with? I think that's the thing people aren't realizing is like this either makes the ending very, very wacky or it just extends it indefinitely. If you have two teams that can't play defense, well, shit, now they're not even trying.

Yeah, we don't lose here. The tension with most rule changes seems to be do you want the game to be like just played as football or do you want it to be quick? Because this is what happens all the time when instant replay comes up. People just like piss and moan and they're like, Oh, replay just slows the game so goddamn much and just like it really ruins the viewing experience.

But the whole reason we did it was because we wanted to like have the football be the thing that counted and not bad judgments that were happening. And that was the tradeoff. So we could in theory just be like, yeah, play football all night until somebody has an insurmountable lead. But that would take fucking forever and people didn't want to. So like you just just decide what you. want. Do you want it to be quick and weird, or do you want it to just be nothing but football cram down your gullet until you can't sleep? Because you're over full. I think this is the perfect middle ground, honestly. Some people said, oh, this is basically

a penalty kicks. No. This is one football team trying to gain yardage against another football team. That is the core of football. It's not kickers deciding. You know what people are actually saying. They're saying, I'm anxious. My team's going to fuck this up. My team only knows two two point plays and and when and when it's like oh man I hate overtime because we missed a 37 yard field goal because we couldn't gain much yard it's that's one thing when it's nope couldn't punch it in from the two dips hits that sucks that really will just make you go up a wall again if it's 1145 and Arkansas walks into the bar just shoot yourself yeah save yourself the trouble if this is you in a late game situation because I'm not saying Arkansas is the best

football program. I'm not saying they're the worst football program. I'm not saying they're not important or they're the most important. But I do know this. If you're involved in an overtime situation with Arkansas, you don't want to be involved in an overtime situation with Arkansas. It's just going to, even if you win, you lose. Yeah, it's not that they're going to beat you. It's that it's going to suck for both of you. Can we all pick a team now that we think will be involved in one of these new overtime. Granted, it might not happen. Okay. You You pick. Arkansas. You've got Arkansas. Holly, who do you want to pick? USC.

Okay. Give me the Cal Bears. Oh, God. Because their previous overtime friendly brand has reverted to the opposite overtime friendly brand. They're going to have an 18 overtime game where they score like 19 points. It'll be the Cheez-It Bowl forever. I'm going to take Wisconsin. Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, give me Cal. Wisconsin in the fucking one of the various holiday bowl spinoffs. Sure. Yep. The straight to video one. It wasn't great. It's fine. It's not,

mystery science theater isn't picking it up anytime soon, but you know, you'd still change a channel. It's on the list. Spencer, give us news from the last months to discuss. Oh, guess what the SEC is considering, y'all? Call your, call your pastor.

Reinvest. thing in STEM? Absolutely not. No. Are they considering paying players? No, no, not considering paying players. They're considering providing, I don't know, better insurance benefits? Nope, none of that.

None of that. No, what they're doing in front of the beautiful Hilton Sandest and Beach Resort walking into those doors and discussing something the rest of the world figured out 100 years ago, which, to be on point, You know, that's very SEC. It's very far for the course. Selling beard games, y'all. It's back.

We're discussing this again. I want to read this sentence from Ross Dellinger's piece on s.I.com, which is, I think, poignant when you figure out that there are other teams already doing this. And four are joining this year, all right? Illinois, Rutgers, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech will start selling. alcohol in stadiums this year. This brings everything up to, I think, 55 teams that sell alcohol in the stadium. I would go back and just say the first two there, Illinois and Rutgers.

Yeah. Some people sell alcohol for profit. This is palliative beer care. This is palliative. This is, this is, this is, this is, this is hospice beer sales. You better, I think Illinois and Rutgers fans should be allowed to have IVs if they wanted to. Just sitting there like, oh, yeah, let it happen. Oklahoma and Texas Tech, I don't know, man, you got some highs, right, particularly with Oklahoma.

Texas Tech, a few more lows. You're going to need it, too. Weird thing about Texas Tech, Lubbock is dry. So is the stadium like the only place in town where you can buy liquor? No, yeah, the stadium's a nation state. Ah, I'm glad we solved that problem This is an example pioneered by many, many high schools in Texas Yeah, they could just do that, right?

If they can void Mike Leach's contract, they can do that. They can just say, hey, this entire Jones Stadium is just a, the whole thing, it's just its own nation state, y'all. It's done. Honestly, done with the power of Texas Tech. Honestly, Rutgers should sell Ambien. Like, that's the humane thing to do. They should just say, hey, Wi-Fi is great, y'all.

stream what you want. Hey, porn's cool here. Don't worry about it. Somebody in row 35's like, Fleabag is just destroying me emotionally. You should really watch it, but don't. I love Hot Priest. What?

There's football on. Yeah. So I think the overall concern, the SEC still, you know, Prohibition ended, you know, like last century. SEC, still on it. They're not.

They're not budgeted so far. It's available only in areas denoted as, quote, premium seating. Premium seating. The people don't get it. People do not get beer. I'm going to put this in order. The SEC teams that I believe need beer sales most. Okay.

All right. I'm going to say one, LSU. I could go either way on that, to be perfectly frank. Like, I feel like if there's anybody who has worked their way, around it has learned how to deal with the problem, I feel confident it's the fine folks in Patton Rouge. Yeah, the amount of beer they're

carrying in their person. I don't mean on their person. I mean in their person, right? This toddler right here, that's a fake. That's a keg with a head I taped to it. Yeah, this, you know, like, hey, listen, I'm just taking my extremely, I'm taking my 400 pound friend that I'm

bringing in with me. This is my nephew party ball. Yeah, I'm safe. Actually, we're doing a transfusion. Compatible blood types? There actually probably is a Louisiana child named Partyball. Party Ball, Delacroix. They say Delacroix back there, but you know, we keep it French.

Call me PB, y'all. I think the team that needs beer second most in there, Texas A&M, because it's hot. Oh, my God, it's hot in that stadium. Give them beer. Beer never tastes better than when it's, like, 500 degrees and really sunny. give them beer. Also, they need it because, you know, say in M football,

there's going to be lows, so prepare for it. Jimbo can buy around, shit. Yeah. Third, I'm going to go, I'm going to go Arkansas just because, oh, you went 0 and 8 last year, man. It's not going to be too much better this year.

It's improving. Chad's going to get you some excitement, but you're going to need beer. Four, I'm going to put South Carolina because you've got to watch Will Must Chant Football and I can't think of any better beverage for like grim resignation to fate

than you know eight to 12 beers consumed on a really hot day. I think this is unsafe. Will Mustchamp Football is the heavy machinery of college football and you want to be sober while you're operating it. Operating it implies motion though. Slow is motion.

I think it's, I think it's, It's more manual labor when you're talking about well-Mustchamp football. We've got a machine that does that. No, pick it up. It takes 11 men to pick that up. One of them's distracted. Then we'll drop it and break our toes. You can hire movers.

I don't need movers. Well, must-champ football, the Soviet miners, and the Chernobyl minors. It's not safe to tunnel under there. We'll do it naked. That way our clothes. will get ruined. Well, that's upsetting. Next, I'll go Kentucky.

Again, see Kentucky football. It could be a little bit of a letdown season after last year. You can't help it. You went 10 and 3, best season, and you were 6 and 1 at home. Come down off that. Let's pad that. I'll go next, Missouri. Missouri, because, I don't know, man, you live in Missouri.

Have some beer. Relax. It's not going to be that great. Alabama, I'll say next, just because I want them to be in the middle of the pack on something rather than be at the top, so take that. We can sell Sabin on that, too, be like, hey, listen, you want fans to come to the games, don't you, Nick? Yeah, you want, come on, you want them in there.

I'm not going to cave. I want you to want to come to the games. That's it. Also, beer kegs make him look shorter, so. We're doing a cash bar at the wedding. God damn it. I'm going to put misstate, because, I don't know, you know, like they've already kind of got

that outdoor, like, barbecue vibe going. They should be able, I think they should do at Miss State what they do, what they used to do at their baseball games and just back trucks up to the fence so people can watch. Just let them do that. That would be the most on-brand thing ever. People love that. It's like a big cookout, y'all.

Then Auburn, I'm going to put Auburn right after that because, you know, they don't, you don't want to let, you know, you don't want to let your pastor see you drinking. It's not a thing. Old Miss, because Old Miss comes after that because they are. are they are strictly hard liquor people i would go tennessee after that again see hard liquor also a number of tennessee people i know who just watch the game sober because that's how it's got to be hey why would i want to feel worse exactly uncompromising truth Jeremy Pruitt says they're not that good

And I is why is your Tennessee fan Alex Jones Hey mad Why would it not be crazy Why wouldn't they be Unnatural mail my supplement I volunteer for it Get it I will put

I will put Georgia Georgia as next to last actually they're third from last I'm putting Florida below that because drinking in the sun in Florida is just a terrible idea I know like hey man I can handle it no you can't you can't they pull like 35 people out of that stadium every game due to heat exhaustion

don't do it it's dumb you're not 18 probably if you are 18 listening to this podcast and it's a formative experience for you I'm sorry you'll live forever I am never going to die and you'll always be beautiful I'm putting Georgia next to last here because y'all aren't supposed to be drinking no Georgia football's just a good old family affair with no anger and no alcohol and then at last I'm putting Vanderbilt because you should all be drinking gin anyway aristocrats I would like that if Vanderbilt just announced like yep we're just doing gin sales that's it you can get a 64 ounce cup of gin

Alex Kersner perks up somewhere Just yeah I would love to do that Those bandy grads drinking 64 ounces of gin And walking away level and steady right They got their Those are their sea legs That's the sea legs stadiums Get on your feet for the Bombay Sapphire

Third Downstand Bravo That's well done That's well That and this I don't know why you wouldn't have why you wouldn't like Ohio State sells beer like and and I think they actually have way fewer incidents in stadium now which you know makes sense because because I'm sure Ohio State fans were just drinking like a 32 pack of Nat light

and rolling into the stadium like it's got to last me three quarters there was some steel reserve going down yeah yeah so hey woo super excitement SEC probably won't budge too much on that. Wow, it won't make much sense. Everybody will have less money. That's the part I don't get. The SEC's always opted for more money and the lazy decision. The lazy decision is just to let everyone do what they want and make more money.

I assume it's because boosters own the bars near stadiums and are like, don't you dare take this from me. Like that'll slow anybody down. That's fair. Like that's the other thing. Like, I don't know. you guys uh you guys don't seem to be hurting should be fine it's not like people drink any less it's not like people don't bring like 500 beers in their trucks right to start with Holly do you have any news of the offseason you want to bring us nope

did we hit everything with were the no we didn't there's one big thing we forgot right there's there's a handful okay run a syrup Go for it. Well, I think, if we're speaking, frankly, among friends, I think the most significant news of the offseason for our listeners and the general college football fan, let's be honest. Is it, you know, is it the transfer portal? Like, fucking shut the, like, athletes have been transferring for decades. Coaches have been whiny hypocrites about it for decades.

The transfer portal really didn't change much of anything. No, the most significant news is, in this year's Madden, there will be 10 college football. teams play as part of the single player story mode they had a couple years back they had like two plays of a texas oregon game and that was like oh it's it's coming back the game's coming back complete this mode and you will go on to be an unsuccessful titans quarterback now we have the following 10 teams and a couple interesting things about this list clemson florida state Miami, Florida, LSU, Oregon, USC, Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech. That's two or three teams per Power 5 conference, except for the Big Ten.

I'm assuming this is because the Big Ten did not want its brand to be tainted by the money of EA sports amid previous amateurism lawsuits and whatnot. And also the Big Ten likes to pretend it doesn't like money, even though it's rolling around in $50 million per school per year. but also for the sake of accuracy why would it put a Big Ten team in the playoff? Big Ten's all works. Big Ten's more of an NFL Europe conference.

Rinefire Forever, baby. I think they want their own game and that would be the most amusing part of all to me to have Big Ten football of video game. Big Ten, two K-20. Hey, this game doesn't let you go for it on Fourth Down. We know.

Dynasty mode. Like if you play with Iowa, you're immortal. right like as a coach everybody else if you play with dynasty mode and have a bad season or you know don't win like a championship they're like yeah i don't know your boosters are getting kind of uh you know unruly and they're thinking about firing you if you play as iowa it's like it's fine great i think there's lots of stuff in in big ten football two k20 where like it's lot lots of gestures at things that the big ten person pretends to care about you know like you you have to devote time to your wrestling program you know and like you you you make sure these kids are getting you and their midterms on time and all that bullshit. You're the coach of Northwestern. Choose how you will union bust today. Because he did that. Let's remind everybody.

He did that. Very near the city of Chicago. There's a head coach who just straight up union busted. It is sort of thrilling to me that the town in which I'm pretty sure like somebody in a union-related dispute could get hit with a baseball bat, that that's on the table for. Northwestern's coach, right? Like, Pat Fitzgerald

hit with a bat outside office by Teamsters. He would probably welcome it. He would be like, yes, this shows the team that I'm tough. Motivation! We're being attacked by bats, boys. We've got to stand together. But not that together. A different kind of standing together.

You stand together with me. Don't stand together with each other. It's not a collective. Want to be clear on that. It's more of a lot. line. We're just a straight line. I would love to see the Big Ten's narrative arc

too for Dynasty mode because it would always end with the Rose Bowl no matter what you did, right? Like... There's just no playoff, yeah. There's no playoff, right? Like, you went undefeated and you set every record on the planet and you're going to face Oregon State, an 8 and 4 Oregon State in the Rose Bowl.

And then you don't play the game. It's just the honor of going to the Rose Bowl was enough. Just get the parade. This is actually perfect. This is like Literally the Minnesota fan's dream. There's an unskippable two-hour quick time parade. You must watch it. Press A to zoom in on flowers.

Press A to slow down. Press X to pay respects. Would you like to go to in and out, which you have heard of, but not have been to? No. I brought my own sack lunch of brown plate. I brought brown plate. Which Nebraska National Championship will you program on the Big Ten Network this week? historical big 10 team

Nebraska I love how hard they've gone with that that they've just been in the Big Ten forever man that's Nebraska championship that's Heartland football right there I also like that if we had Big Ten NCAA football

the video game you remember those old copy protection mechanisms they had back in the day where it would be like oh go to your you know in the instruction book go look up this word on this page and that's how they would confirm that you had bought a copy of the game

and not gotten like a pirated version of it NCAA Big Ten version would also do this but just for like facts it just be like here's a math question solve it if you if you want to play you must succeed in the classroom of video game first

otherwise you're ineligible your SEC football your SEC now you failed to go play Yeah, they're like, I think, yeah, I think it's now you must download the NCAA DLC. Right. You can go play it. Florida State. I think the other couple of fun things about this list of college teams in Madden, Texas Tech,

obviously the only reason they are here is Patrick Mahomes is the cover star. If they still had Patrick Mahomes, they would go about maybe eight and four. They didn't really do that better than that with him. So I like the implication that there is a quarter of a quarter of a. back far better than Patrick Mahomes at Texas Tech in the universe of this hypothetical playoff. Not going to happen. And also, we have no group of fives, no mid-majors in this list, which is especially

curious, EA sports, largely based in and around Orlando, the most recent attempted gatecrasher, UCF, also in Orlando. You can only speculate as to the reasons why UCF didn't make the cut in this video game, but mainly it's very funny. I think the important thing is that, like all things, they'll take it in stride. Very calm. Yeah, I'm sure they have. Very, very, you know, they see the big picture.

They know that not every hill is worth dying on. Yeah, we'll make it in Madden 22. They would have to know what a hill was first. I think that maybe the UCF fans problem. I will die on every hill because I literally have never seen a hill before. It's the part of a punt-pug course that slopes up. I know what a hill is. They've been to Space Mountain.

They've been to Florida's. highest peak Mount Dora Yeah, I believe it's over 300 feet in the air If that I do have Now that we've gone through all the

Now that we've gone through all of the extremely important things That have happened in the offseason I do want to end on one note I think there's still at least one other thing We got to get to do that Okay, you do that and I'll do my thing Okay, well here's a UCF transition for you Okay, thank you

UCF, of course, for several years now, has been very mad about everything in sight, including Power 5 teams, not giving them the scheduling deals they want and have apparently deserved in their minds by going 0 and 12, I think three years ago, three or four years ago. What they want are straight up one-for-one, home-and-home deals with Power 5 teams. Florida, for one, wasn't interested in this, and this is where you get into the big Internet. Well, we didn't want it anyway debate. Okay, fine, no one wanted it. Great. So what USF has done is gone and pursued two for one, regular group of five versus power five deals. To which, of course, UCF responds with, you know, you're tainting the brand of the conference.

You're making it look as if we're a mid-major conference. Imagine that. Wouldn't that be weird if the AAC was a mid-major conference? I don't know what would be the implication. Maybe you wouldn't get in the playoff if you went undefeated. God, that would suck. So UCF, of course, wanted Bama for a long time. Did they really want Bama?

Not really. But they like the idea of presenting themselves as wanting Bama. And to be fair, I thought they should have made the playoff two years ago and gotten destroyed. But that's neither here or there. So what USF has done is they have landed a game against Bama. Not just that. They have landed a game against Bama in Tampa by giving them a traditional two-for-one deal. And I can't wait.

I just can't wait for this. USF has pulled off the trollingest schedule move. I think we've seen in a long, long time. Not only do we get a game against Bama, we're getting a game right down I-4 from UCF. UCF's going to crash this game. Isn't that what's going to happen? Yeah, 100%.

That was all. I just wanted to address that. No, no, no, I'm always here for, I'm always here to drag UCF, even though... Also, the PAC 12 is poor, but that's just a constant. The PAC 12, by the way, is going to get bought out by Like, they were seeking, the Pact 12 was seeking an obscene amount of money from outside investors. Okay.

That, this bears repeating and discussion. Outside investors in an amateur sport. The Pact 12 has become a phishing email at this point. Yeah, Larry Scott doing a fun, doing a raise for the Pact 12, an amateur athletics. Hello, I am Prince. I am Prince Larry Scott. I have a Utah football in overseas bank accounts, but I need your help to release it.

And you can share it with me. That's the, like, I, I am floored by the idea that, you know, the PAC 12 will do this massive cash raise, hand it to the schools, and then what's the expected return? Sports rights, they might get, you know, something back on that.

Is it going to be the kind of like return and windfall that you would expect for somebody who's willing to just write Larry Scott a check? Like, this is how Larry Scott ends up in prison in Russia. Listen, he sold the University of Arizona to an investor and that's fine. It wouldn't be, no, it'd be Arizona State. Come on. It'd be in Tempe. Arizona State is the house that is not passing inspection, I assure you.

The contract fell through. That roof ain't right. Herman Edwards, this roof is fine. Yeah, I'm floored by the people who could be lining up to do this. That's like a very geeky, insidery kind of football note, but man alive, that is the weirdest thing to me. Why don't we submit a bid? We could. Like, if we, I don't know, what if we, could we together pull $2,000 and say we would like 10% of the Pact 12th?

We could. Yeah, I'm in. Okay, you guys in for that? Okay. Yeah, I got that. Let's do that. Let's see, and let's see what happens. They'll hopefully, if they're acting in good faith, they'll counterbid.

We'll go back and forth and maybe we'll reach, you know, I shouldn't say this. This is bad negotiating. Come on to go up. They're not listening. I'm willing to go up to $2,500. Total? Yeah. Okay.

So we're appraising their conference at $25,000? $2,500 for 10%. That's right, yes. I think the PAC 12th. I think the PAC 12, that's cash, too. Like, we're not talking about some sort of all-stock offer or some other sort of like $25,000 cash. That's like pay a realtor to unload your expensive headquarters cash.

Yeah. We're getting you out of debt. that's i mean this is a sweetheart offer but again we're we're starting at 2000 can i can i give you the answer by the way when somebody asked could partnering with a private equity firm i've been watching way too much billions right oh god god god the pack 12 is the toys are us of college football oh yeah uh could partnering with a private equity firm jeopardize the pack 12's non-profit status god i hope you think you like the one person in the room i hope so just because i want to see what happens

Right? The one person who's like, you just took $500 million as a nonprofit from people who invest in like Colombian coal mines. Do you think this is for profit? His answer was, we've got folks that have looked at that question. Okay, I want you to go back to the Pac-12 big scandal last year that they had a lawyer overturn a ruling on the field from the booth who had no officiating training. How much do you trust somebody who's like, yeah, we got folks who looked at that question? Yeah, that means they got football referees looking at that question. Yeah, yes. We believe in cross-training here in the fact 12. This is a holding company.

I'm going to throw a flag on that. I like the private equity idea because what's the first thing they do? Sell Arizona. Sell it. Strip it for parts. Keep the copper mines. That's it. Then sell the copper.

Yeah. Then put the University of Utah at the bottom of one of those. Been a terrible investment for us from day one. Oh, God. Jeffrey, the giraffe's corpse is dead. down here. Oh, God. Utah's been a terrible investment.

They're good at football. That is how the math works, though. I still like the idea of Stanford buying the PAC 12 because Stanford could do that. Stanford wouldn't really even notice that. Yeah, overnight. What would they do with it? Kick out USC, probably. Okay.

Probably the first thing they do. Strong. Strong. They'd probably kick all the – actually, they'd probably just kick all the public universities out, right? That's the first thing they would do. Oh, yeah, Arizona State's booted, yeah. Abomination's all of them. Who does that leave?

Cal, UCLA. It leaves the California. Those are public schools. CLA is public. Oregon, Oregon, State, public, Washington, Washington, State. So it's USC, Stanford. So you kick out USC and all the publics. And then that's it, just Stanford.

It's just USC and Stanford. Just that's all they'd want. You'd be like, isn't this enough for a conference? We'll schedule Notre Dame for the other 11 games. I call it Theranos. Yeah. You know what? If I sell it to a bunch of octogenarians with a wig on,

they'll be like, that's a pretty lady. Give her money. Henry Kissinger is on board. What could go wrong? Yeah. It's your mascot, the Therrinos. The Ther Rhinos. What kind of drug or app is Pack 1?

That would be a great Pac-12 game, drug or app. Is that like a space travel app? Ice juice. Yeah, it's probably a space app, right? Because it basically jettisons everyone else and creates a new world, right? It completely gets like, we're going to build. It's like Bezos's plan to build like big circular ships in space that everybody lives off of. It's just not even trying to save Earth.

Like, nope, new franchise. I'm sorry, Chip Kelly. I can't do that. I did want to end on one, like, semi-serious note, which happened this past weekend, which is Rod Bramblet, the announcer for Auburn football. He and his wife died in a car wreck over Memorial Day weekend. It's real sad. Rod Bramble, if you don't know the name, you probably know.

know the call, or at least several of the calls. Bramblett was an Auburn lifer, replaced legendary announcer Jim Fife back in 2003, and then got to make, like, Rob Bramblitt got to make two or three calls that no other announcer even had the chance to get close to. And that's mostly thanks to the 2013 Auburn season, that of not just the kick six, but also of Ricardo Lewis catching a tipped pass against Georgia. Just a beloved dude in the Auburn community and as well as his wife. They've got two, again, they have two kids, one's in high school, one's at Auburn right now.

It is a very, very tragic situation. There's a GoFundMe, like the official GoFundMe to help out the kids, and we'll figure out a way to share that if you would like to contribute. We'll put it in the show notes. Yeah, we'll put it in the show notes. I'll share it on Twitter. But just I have nothing too articulate to say about it other than condolences. I'm real sorry that happened to y'all, and Auburn's going to win the football game.