Shutdown Fullcast - Advice for Kansas Fans

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

EPISODE NOTES The Beyond Meat Brawl Breakdown Shower apples, again Ryan discovers a harrowing new house divided Unhealthy obsession with GTA Florida begins nnnnnnow A party drink is invented Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I don't know what it says about us that probably 20 different people tweeted at us about the Beyond Meat C-O biting that other dude's nose. It might have skewed the numbers because I punched a hole in my car like two hours before this happened. You think that encouraged, that led to an uptick? A slight uptick, but I do think this is very much our shit, because Arkansas. So, yes, the Arkansas is the thing. I'm trying to think, like, if he had done that, like, I don't know, at a UVA game or something, would it have... If he'd done this at a UVA game, they would probably make him governor.

I would, too, frankly. There's a part... So, but that's the part of it that... Do you think it was the right editorial decision for them to be like, he bit a man's nose versus he punched through a window on a car? I think it is, but... Yeah. I mean, anybody can punch through a window on a car.

like i don't know anybody anybody can bite a nose too have you ever had a nose bit and it's fucking awful but i think punching through a window that that's that involves one person mm-hmm mm-hmm or as biting someone's nose two people had one of the craziest days of their life sure sure it is it is a much more direct uh conflict of self-determination i mean it's extreme behavior right but i would expect to see windows punched out in pretty much any football riot like i can't imagine that surprising me yeah and i feel like nose bitten is surprising no matter the context that's fair like that's weird anywhere right um yeah in part because it requires like a proximity that it's not easy to bite a nose it's like stabbing

it is intimate it is intimate and it's unlike stabbing you can't sneak up and do it like you can't surprise someone biting them I thought about that how does that even happen what do you think it's going to

biting someone on like the back of the shoulder that's really easy to get to to do not to get away

with biting them in the nose yeah it's one of the hardest places to bite someone they can

they see your every movement yes it's a small target unless you've blinded them with pocket

sand it's a real sign of power real power do you think it's a we're standing up thing

or I've taken you to the ground and now... It's got to be ground, right? What we do in the Shadow's style, I attack your nose. Or you are, you have, you're attempting to pin me. You're going for the fatality headbutt, but at the last moment, I bite your nose. Or Spider-Man kiss. It could be Spider-Man kiss.

I dangle in front of you. Could be. That raises another interesting question. And, like, I can't imagine personally being in this situation, seeing somebody coming from my face for that, and not, like, instinctually headbutting. So was this guy not headbutted at all? Or was he headbutted and just kept coming anyway? So I have an entirely different theory. I think this is two dudes screaming, like doing close screaming.

Like, like, I'm not going to back down. But also, we're not actually fighting. Like a way in? yes we're just like screaming very very close to one another and the other guy said fuck it it's nose bite in time is or is this that's possible it could be that this is the kind of thing where one guy's coming in with his mouth open and at that point i'm calling your fucking bluff you won't bite me you won't bite me and then the guy with his mouth open is like god damn it i'm stuck biting this guy's face yeah or i'm gonna look like an asshole i have to bite i have to cut off your nose despite my face you're just in a game of chicken in which one of you is chicken

yeah yeah one of you is beyond meat yes yeah sorry i did like that this guy previously did work at tyson foods before yeah so he knows all about things that aren't meat yeah and he knows he knows how to de beak is really what it is oh my god thank you We should see who can do the longest welcome. I like that we all, when we do a substitute welcome, we all come at it from different places. And Jason's is always like a great rumbling of pace. Like a gravel gollum emerging from New York. Because the funniest part of the welcome to me is when Spencer goes,

ooh, there's this whole base drop before it even happens. It's the tick up of a roller coaster where the last cars are going over before the plunge. It's like when a big wave is coming in on the shore and the water all recedes to go into the wave. Oh, that's beautiful. Ho! You know, he's been focused so long on stretching out the duration of the welcome And I had never thought about like

Seeing if he could push the beginning of it Like how high can you start like Wipe out That's good That's a good version We should tell him this It'll only make him worse I think the thing is then he will do both

All right I think we should start start the show and just see what happens when he stumbles back here. Yeah, I'm sorry again. As soon as we got on the phone with Cerber, Betty started losing her goddamn mind. Who has never done the welcome? I've definitely done it.

I don't know if Holly's done it. I've done several versions. I don't know if I've ever done it. Serber's never done it. I have done it. I have done it. I know at least once. Holly just did a good version of it.

I think the show has begun. Okay. Huh, excellent. To the shutdown full cast. Okay, while we're picking apart our own show, something I noticed while listening to a couple of episodes back-to-back, I was looking for something. Spencer's gotten really good at starting to introduce us, but he never gets through more than one person. You never know who'll be the lucky person introduced that week. It's trending towards me.

Yes. And right now it's you. It was me for a long. It's taken turns. Hey, baby. It's almost never Jason. No, no, that's not. true. For a while, it was Jason for a while

because it was, uh, he was, because Jason was the co-host and we, and we removed, well, Jason was the co-host and you and I were the guests. Betty, come on, man. And then it was Holly because you were physically closest to him. And therefore, and then he started doing it whip around style. And now, now he just wants to talk about fucking biscuits. Yeah,

now it's Ryan because there are things he wants to say to Ryan. Brow, blah, bra, blah. Spencer has brain damage. This actually isn't that. so uh this isn't that the show's already started his brain is full of holes we've already knocked out the welcome now we're going to see if we can introduce two of us this time yeah all right spencer do it hmm i will introduce every goddamn fucking person do it the show this show has begun i'm not kidding just introduce i did the welcome it was great it was better than yours joining us today

from atlanta georgia's spencer hall that's right that's right me Let's talk about I. That's all I'm introducing. He outsmarted us there. Damn. Foxed you. Play action. It's his show now.

Thank you, Grody Keith. That is. Kirk Cousins. Putting it into coverage, boys. Go birds. Joining us from Nashville, Tennessee is Ryan Nanny. Hello, Ryan. Hi, how are you?

I'm doing well. Oh, doing well. How are you? Things are fine. Things are good. I did realize recently that having a five-year-old is essentially like living with a thoughtless rich person because they do thoughtless rich person shit. Like, for example, one thing you can frequently find in my trash can is an apple with one bite taken out of it. And that's a thing like no adult would do unless they were thoughtlessly rich and they were just like, oh, fuck it.

I'll just throw this. Like, if you took a bite out of an apple and then you said, like, I don't want this. I assume you would see if anybody else wanted some or cut it into slices so you could use it later, right? Are you going to confess? Because if you don't, I'll tell them. No, occasionally if it's a shit apple, I'll just want it out of my world. I get so mad at Amelia Apple. That's not actually what I was going to say.

Oh, I have something worse. On at least two occasions, once in my home and once in your own home, you have left an apple core in the shower but that's a core that he's eating it though right yeah that's not that's not have we ever have we ever discovered in our uh archaeology a uh a one bite shower apple no not yet I wouldn't bring it in the shower we wouldn't get that far in the relationship so you test the shower you test the apple before the shower is it while the water's getting hot you got your hand under the faucet and you're like tooth testing the skin of the apple with the other You test drive the shower apple.

What's your go-juring apples with mealy apples just being flung out of the shower? Well, what's your go-to apple varietal at this point? This apple will not bathe with me. We need Brian Floyd on here to talk cosmic crisps. Brian Floyd's always here. The go-to standard service apple around here is a Fuji. Like a Fuji's delicious. It's an outstanding apple.

You know, sure, honey crisps are great. They're fine. They can be really good. On average, they're just sort of good. But, yeah, the Fuji. I saw a server give the thumbs down, sir. What kind of apple sass do you have? Apple sass.

Cosmic Crisp is the superior apple and the official apple of the Boeing Apple Cup. You're walking into the garage at the Honda dealership being like, I'd rather have a Ferrari. Yeah, I would. I would rather have a Ferrari. Sometimes I got to drive the Fuji. Beyond that, show respect to the Granny Smith. The sour apple has a place. It has a place.

I think that's fair. As a snacking apple? Absolutely. Yes. I'm a server. Slice is not whole. I will slice a grain. Ryan,

you have two problems though because you have, you live with an inconsiderate rich person, but you also have a baby, which is like living with a tiny alcoholic. Yeah. Yeah, but with a baby you sort of like, you're sort of fine with it because you're like,

you don't know any better. With a five year old, you're like living with a tiny alcoholic. That's true. With a five-year-old, It's just sort of like, the fuck, man. And they just look at you, and they're like, but I didn't want me more. And I put it in the trash.

And from their point of view, it's like, I didn't leave it out. Why are you mad? I understand the logic there. You told me to get rid of things that suck. Yes. You said what I'm done with my food, put it in the trash. Leaving an apple core in the shower is the product of not enough civilization. That's clearly me being not house trained.

Why are you eating an apple in the shower? And Ryan, I know you've done this too. I've done this, too, because it's delicious. It's fucking delicious. Why aren't you washing your body? Have you ever, have you, have you, have you, get sticky? Yes. Yeah, is that?

I don't understand y'all. Have you ever, have you ever had a beer in a hot tub? Yeah. This is the healthy version of absolutely. Yes. Yes. A hot tub, you're not occupied. Okay, I think I actually understand the gap here, which is none of y'all needs two hands

to wash your hair. No. Well, even if we did, there's time to just sit there and the shower and contemplate the universe what plus the the apple is the the apple is the snack that you can put down like i don't need to hold the apple the whole time i can put it on the ledge and come i don't want to put an apple down anywhere in the shower though post shower apple because it's not the same as a steamy apple it's really not yeah look i listen listen there is a great length before and i've never heard the phrase steamy apple i'm gonna all right ryan i think i think it's fair to say

that I have, we've only made it this far in the shutdown forecast journey by accepting that we're all very different and we approach life in different ways and Spencer and I are very different. But we're usually different in the same ways. This is weird because we meet up on this. But this, but this I totally agree with him. This is horseshoe theory in action here. Yeah. At the same time, Holly is right. Don't leave your apple in the shower. That shit's gross. Yeah. See like Nora's thing where, um, you know, you're leaving the job was leaving the, the, the apple in. Yeah. maybe you should start in the trash right that's the product of too much civilization when an aristocrat does that it assumes 19 layers of support beneath them that are going to both solve this problem and never call them out on it right resources are endless all problems are fixable i cannot be corrected for this because i am part of a very complex system right you either do something like that if you guarantee that or if you have no knowledge whatsoever right like Remember, originally, like, cave people, they would live in a cave, and they would just fill it with garbage. And their solution was, move to a new cave.

That was it. So, like, archaeologists have found just caves and caves. So, like a hermit crab, basically. Right. Ryan, I'm going to list a series of foods. And you just tell me, this is not canon. There's no right or wrong answers. From finding an apple core next to the garbage can on the floor.

I'm going to list five. That's the part that really enrages. That wasn't me. I'm going to list. I'm going to list five foods and you just tell me whether you would eat them in the shower or not, okay? Okay.

Okay. The melon of your choice. I don't want to get into a melon debate because those are equally contentious. Would you eat like a public's cut fruit bowl of melon in the shower? Can I ask one follow-up question? Yes. Am I eating these things with my hands or can I bring a fork?

Buddy? Sway bien. It's up to you. That's so much to deal with. Yeah, I'll try some watermelon in the shower. Sure. Okay. A shower watermelon. That's good. I'm marking this on the imaginary chart on the wall here. Like, okay, on the spectrum here.

Okay. So now we're going to go to. Jason Kirk, welcome to the show. We're going to go to save. We're going to go to savory. Would you eat a cold sausage, a saucy sawn, you know, a summer sausage. Would you eat that in the shower? No, summer sausages are eaten sliced.

No. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to let you do slices. That's fine. If you want a little circuitry plate in the shower. Let's let the German way in. I don't think I would want that in the shower. no. Okay.

It has to be no delicate test and it's a shower now? Everyone knows. I think it, well, A, it, like, presents a slipperiness that I'm not comfortable with. Okay. And it, yeah, it doesn't feel like the shower would enhance the sausage eating experience in the same way that I find it enhances the beer drinking or apple eating experience. It's going to get clammy. Yeah.

Yeah. So we've gone, I've gone to savory cold. We're going to go savory hot. What if you just had some fried chicken? Just some fried. Like, would you eat, would you eat a whole chicken, like a public's chicken breast? No, because, Popeye spicy? No, it's just a question.

Now we're getting into questions of, now we're getting into questions of structural integrity. Like, I'm not worried about an apple flaking and falling apart in the shower. Okay. Okay. Chicken is going to do that. Like I said, I'm just, I'm just performing some, some, um, I'm outlining the apple here. And then when I have to snake the bathtub drain line and be like, what the fuck is all this

chicken skin doing down? There's bones in there. There's a greasy viscous film across everything. Yeah. All right. Now, like I said, I'm built a fatberg in my bathroom. But your coat is so sleek and shiny. Yeah.

Like I said, I'm just, I'm just sort of like sonar echoing this, right? We're echolocating. No, I get it. I get it. The limits of what you can eat in the shower here. I only have two more. One, bowl of ice cream. You can choose what flavor.

I don't care. And you can use this. Can I nominate it? Sherbet. Let's go Sherbet. Ooh, I think a popsicle is a delightful shower. That is a great choice. I think cold, I think cold treat with warm water.

I think that's the combo. I will, you're slightly off course here and say mochi. I will have one mochi in the shower. That's fascinating. I haven't done this. So I haven't done this. So I don't know how well it works, but I am at least willing to extend an interested hand in that direction.

Okay, okay. My interested hands are full of shampoo. I don't understand you people. There's plenty of time for that. I'm not paying for hot water for the whole neighborhood. How did I end up in this position? I'm supposed to be the dumb one. Lastly, I think we've gone, because I've done

savory, cold, savory hot, sweet, cold. We need sweet hot, right? Sweet hot. Bread pudding. Are you just going to take an ice, like, could you just Chocolate lava cake Banana's plaster Lasper bisque

Sure Chocolate Chocolate lava cake Yeah Are you just taking a nice cup Full of bread pudding In the shower If I heat it up

I'm gonna let you put a little A little bit of vanilla ice cream on top of What I What it is is I don't want I don't want any hot food What we're landing on Is like hot food in the shower Doesn't make sense

Then you're hot on the inside And the outside You're busy Because it's the same reason Why a beer in the shower is great I don't need a fucking cup of hot cocoa in the shower. That's insane. If I don't get my shower

coffee in the morning, just touch me. Like Godfrey probably does drink shower coffee because he's like, oh, I'm going to drink six cups before 9 a.m. I'm so unhappy. I can't figure out why I'm not sleeping.

Just this giant angry scarecrow of a man standing naked in the shower at a hot coffee. At this point, his kidneys look like when you have Cheetos that congealed together? Shower Cheetos. Shower Cheetos.

Shower hot Cheetos and a cold shower. You know what? I'm going to say this. That might work. Dude, if I can combo it, if you get me a preferably a Mexican beer and some hot Cheetos in the shower. A Mexican pizza.

Get me a Taco Bell. Mexican toast. Cold pizza hot shower. How high am I? That's a good question. I weren't cold pizza hot shower, and I'm playing Halo. Well, now this is silly. With my roommates from college.

We're all in the shower together. Today we have invented one of those surround gaming chairs, but it just has misters at the top of my vegetables in my mountain duc gamer chair that baths me. Now, now I would, I would eat fried chicken in one of those cryogenic chambers that you see people stand in. Now we're talking. Fried chicken in that. Okay. You wait.

Hang on. Back up a second. Ryan, you objected to a cup of hot cocoa in the shower. You wouldn't sit in the bath with a cup of hot tea? Bads are different. Yeah, they are different. Bads are different.

Because additionally, you can have your plate on a little floaty. Yep. Yeah. You can eat a whole salad there with it floating in front of you. Yep. Okay. And if it falls in the water, then you're just marinating yourself. That's right.

I'm making me stock. find all of this incredibly disturbing but I'm overwhelmed by your sheer force of logic by the way just side note I went I stopped at the quick trip on the way back from Charlotte today and I saw a guy he had one of those work trucks with the big flatbed right like a duly with the corrugated iron flatbed right and he was up and he was getting gas and like his his dude was putting gas in the truck and he had one of those salads you can buy a quick trip and his elbows up on the back of the truck just like howling that thing and I was like shouts out to you for making positive life choices.

Getting some roughage. Yeah. Getting some roughage in there, dude. That's going to make the next visit to a quick trip bathroom, all the more pleasant. This is, um... Good for you, Hayden. He sounds like a Hayden. He does.

The German voice you heard telling us that there were no shockute replayts in the shower. Uh, was our producer Michael Serber. Two people. He's introduced to this. Yeah, no, no. I'm like, seriously, fuck y'all. I'm getting everybody. Oh, yes.

I didn't introduce myself. Jason, you said this couple weeks ago, and you're right, it never actually leaves his head. Yeah, sitting in the, sitting in the shower with his friends, his like five best friends from college playing Xbox nude and the homies. Listen, the homies can play shower halo, it's fine, as long as we're all playing Halo. A little shower halo has a treat. Yeah. Is Jason Kirk? Hi, I'm Jason.

It's no-ho-hank. No-ho-Hank. The biggest winner of the college football season so far and possibly the biggest winner for a couple months will be Oklahoma State, which is very soon no longer going to have to play Oklahoma. And I assume that residents of that state will then spend the next century arguing about whose fault it was that the quote-unquote rivalry ended. OSU fans might win that argument about 50% of the time, which would be more than twice as often as they win the football game.

So I'm delighted for Oklahoma State. This is literally the greatest development for them this millennium, like completely unironically. a fantastic rivalry in all that Oklahoma leads by a total of 90 to 19 to 7 that is yes 90 wins for Oklahoma to 19 wins and 7 ties I am sad this one's going away what is that why I like I like the rivalries that have the the roadrunner wily coyote quality to them like if it George Georgia, Georgia, Georgia Tech, just went away. If the SEC, it was like, we're adding another conference game, and Georgia doesn't want to do it anymore, and Georgia Tech is like, God, we would love to get poll eligible, maybe one day.

And it went away. I would be sad because I like that we have these rivalries that even though they're super one-sided, and even though every year you're like, I know how this will turn out, I like the idea of possibility. I like the idea that, like, maybe this is the time that the coyote will catch the fucking road.

And once a decade, it is. It happens. Yes. If this is the three of you trying to sneak me into talking about Tennessee, Florida, it's not working. No. No. I was going to say, I like the Georgia Georgia Tech rivalry and the Bedlam rivalry because it's like getting drunk on beer as an adult, like too drunk. They're like, ah, it's just beer.

Then you turn the corner once out of every 10 times and go, oh, no. I will say the good thing about them is they occur. during a super loaded weekend when every now and then there's like a 10 minute lull and it might just so happen that that's the year the robot coyote

catches the drunk frat roadrunner I like them for yet another reason and I'm also sorry they're going away my favorite rivalries are the ones the greatest game day poster of all time in my estimation is the one with the

state outlines of Alabama and Mississippi, and it says your state is backwards across the top, and it's not really clear who the protagonist is based on holding the sign. But the closer the schools, the better I like the rivalry, because A, you get, it's not like, you know, Georgia versus Florida. It's neighbor versus neighbor, co-worker versus coworker house-to-house. I believe we've compared it before to the Yugoslavian Civil War, but it's the closer the schools are together the funnier i find it when everyone insists those people are different yeah yeah and this is yeah this this means we do get we can still have that with an upgrading competition because Oklahoma can play the

in-state school that has a better record against Oklahoma which is Tulsa so that's a real fact Tulsa's always just lurking there like Yeah, I want to fight Oklahoma State Tulsa's like, can I have a work? No, no, no, no, no, you're cool. You stand with hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't need problems. We don't need problems.

Oh, my gosh, I just realized I haven't told y'all about the House Divided flag that showed up in my neighborhood. Oh, no. Yes. This is Nashville. New people in the neighborhood haven't met them.

They appear to have a child based on like some toys they've got in the front yard, but this is an NFL house divided flag, and I want to see if you all can can just guess it what it is. I'll tell you it is one NFC team and one AFC team.

Chargers? I'll tell you how I was going to guess Chargers. Chargers are I will tell you geographically, you are very cold. So, Bill's. Bills? Let's see. Bills is right. Bill's is fun. Bill's Jags. You are.

are warm-ish, well, no, you've named another AFC team, so you need an NFC team. But you are, you are warmish. Bill's Falcons? You are in the right division. Bill's Panthers? Nope. Bill's Saints?

It's Bill's Saints. Oh my God. There's a Bill's Saints house. Not for long? No. I'm just going to go leave a 12-step program flyer on their table, right? These people definitely met in a cruise ship jail, right? Like a Disney cruise brig is definitely the meat cute here.

These are people who saw each other's asses first before they looked at the face. And not voluntarily. It was like, well, it was just hanging out the car window and I figured I needed to go get to know him. It looks supple. Yeah. Yeah. Just, just, just, uh, I'm excited to meet him. I'm excited to party with.

Yeah, find out what their professions are, if they're allowed to say. Hey, folks, we got some breaking news here. Serber, can you get this late arriving voicemail in from Matt in 319? Hello, full cast. It's Matt from Cedar Rapids. I just wanted to let everybody know the Iowa game is over now. We did it. We did ask people to let us know.

The time is Tuesday afternoon. 2.35 p.m. They got it in. That's the most important part, unlike the Iowa offense. That's the Iowa offense scoring double digits. Boo. Bring back the Iowa touchdown. Did you ever introduce Holly?

Did we skip that part? I've gotten four out of five. I did not introduce. We brought up Brian Floyd. Thank you, Ryan Nanny. Got them. Holly, Holly Anderson. joining us as well with breaking news.

Holly is, Holly's been going through the voicemails that we have. They're so good. They are good. I love y'all so much. We're very blessed. We're going to be going over some of those today. We have a few of those to play.

We cannot, we, we could not get to all of them if they were all that we played. But I encourage you all to keep sending them in, especially thank you to the people who are just calling in to say, hey, full cast, how's your day going? And then hanging up. and especially the people who call in just to tell us how their Tahoe is running that day. I wanted to start with my bit of necessary news coming from the Washington County, Arkansas Jail, where all-important news comes. According to booking records at the Washington County Jail, man named Doug Ramsey was charged with terroristic threatening, and third-degree battery after the game in Fayetteville

on Saturday. I might have seen it. This was Missouri State scaring the living shit out of Arkansas for the better part of three quarters. Which didn't happen on like friends and family day too? I think I'm not making that up. They invited Bobby Petrino's team to family day? I'm pretty sure that. I'm checking to make sure that that's right. But I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah, that's like it. It was family. It was family weekend you're right I can see how that might have been

how that might have been a dangerous well it was family and friends weekend so he had to be invited right like you had to yes and you can come too family and friends and Bobby maybe they invited him on family and friends weekend to see if he'd accidentally invite both

and there would be that like uh oh uh oh these folks aren't supposed to meet family and family weekend I hope there were people who met him sidelined their post game were like was the bull dog Yo, coot Dude, the boosters weren't the ones

He wanted him for them. No, the boosters, they're bastards. They were totally fine. He lied. We all lie. Who cares? Man wins 10 games. Doug Ramsey, family and friends,

did not need an invite. May need one now. Was arrested just after 10 p.m. When an officer was dispatched to gate 15 for a disturbance that had previously occurred. in the parking garage. They found two males with bloody faces at the scene.

Always a good start. Two males with bloody faces. Nebraska. At the scene. The officer spoke with both parties. Ramsey was allegedly in the traffic lane of the structure attempting to leave when a Subaru

fucking Subaru inched his way in front of Ramsey's Bronco making contact with the front passenger's side tire. That's assault. That's what. right. You know what? It's not back in the blue. I'm sorry. By the way, would any of you think anything of somebody in a parking garage post game in a college environment? This is just how

it goes. Somebody just making contact with your tire. You wouldn't think anything about it. You'd just be like, well, that's kind of aggressive. Please don't go any further. No, everybody's cranky and tired. You just want to get out of there. Right. Yeah, that is that is the important context. This didn't happen after. The important thing is that you all join forces to laugh at the guy who backs up way too fast and hits a column. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, cars really need oxytocin, so that's why they snuggle sometimes. That's why. The owner of the Subaru got out, and he stated, well, I've skipped an important detail. Ramsey got out of the vehicle and allegedly, and I'm quoting here, punch through the back windshield of the Subaru. That's not insubstantial. That's the only way you can tell if it's a transformer or not. Mm-hmm.

Do you ever have any friends who made a habit of expressing their male emotions by putting their fists through windshields or windows? Habit? Yes. It's a hard thing to make a habit out of, I would agree. But I do, I have a good friend who during a Florida Auburn, a Florida lost to Auburn, punched through a window and like severed his bicep in a real, like a lot of, he was like, he told me he was like, yeah, I could see much more of the inside of my body. than I ever wanted to. Yeah, it wasn't good. You don't want that anatomy lesson

because it turns out that a single pane of glass turns into a thousand glittering knives when you put your arm through it at high speed. The Beach's Revenge! I want to state, though, as a thesis statement for it being introduced to Mr. Ramsey, this tells you a lot of what you need to know about him. I can't fault in for that.

It's very clear, I'm not only crazy, I'm extremely belligerent and stupid. Excellent character intro Especially as an opening move Like you know This guy When they say show don't tell Yes exactly

Yeah This guy I don't really begrudge anybody Protecting their car I think people who are super Touchy about their cars Are almost 100% fucking stupid All of them

Touchy about your car Why did you park in the garage Correct right Why did you take it out in public anyway Like people like hey bro Don't lean on my car Get lean on my car I don't care

It doesn't matter None of this matters There's eight apple cores in here You can't Listen You might steal something from my car Trash Sunflower seed holes

Two Warhammer books A bunch of sunflower seed holes Yeah Those are expensive Yeah Don't man I paid a lot of money For that car

Oh mine was cheap Wow It's crazy Anyway Ramsey got out The owner of the Subaru Stated Ramsey pulled him in close

And started punching his body. You know what? It's another good strat. Put a hole in his gas tank, right? Don't go for the head instantly. Might be a couple of rounds. Make sure he can't breathe.

Hold them in close. Ramsey also bit the owner's nose, ripping the flesh on the tip of his nose. Oh. At what point did Doug Ramsey, when he was doing this, think, I think I've gone too far. It's probably when you feel the nose separating.

Definitely not. By the time he had his mugshot, he's still looked mad as hell. He looks furious. Yeah. there wasn't any thinking going on at this point. And Ramsey was arrested at 1027. What for?

Probably the part where he, more specifically, not just the nose biting, but he threatened to kill them. Do you know what's weird about fighting in this situation, not weird, but incredibly awkward? Hmm. It's that you're in a parking garage after a football game. Traffic is moving between zero and five miles an hour. Once the fight is over, everyone just kind of has to sit there.

he couldn't run right you can't go anywhere so he's arrested how did you even get law enforcement in there he's arrested at 1027 meaning there's at least a couple of minutes where he's standing there with the people whose nose he just bit off and they're just kind of chilling they all go back to their cars that are two feet apart and you go over there belligerently rocking the car against each other I'm not

Ramsey was named the C-O-O of Beyond Meat in December 2021. The way you said that, it sounded like it was going to be the next morning. Like this finally got into the promotion. I'm so...

Always seeking out new protein sources. According to the Tyson Foods website, been a member of Tyson Foods poultry business since 1992. It was named President of Global McDonald's business for Tyson in 2019. Man who's supplying you

with all of those delicious 99 cent McChikins. He's just out here sampling whatever meat comes his way. What is a nose if not a McNugget? Cheap. God damn. Can you imagine if your nose was a McNugget and every smell you smelled was filtered through McNugget? That would probably improve global morale.

They're not the worst smelling things in the world, man. They're pretty good. It's a decent smell. I mean, I'm sure it pairs nicely with just about anything. My favorite sentence in this is... A lot more house fires would go and respond it to, though. Yeah. Man, it smells great in here.

Shower McNugget, I'm going to go no, because it's going to get soggy. All right. Yeah. A Tyson spokesperson said that Ramsey left the company last year on his own accord. To roam for more meat. To seek who he may devour. If you want to know how fucking fired up Arkansas is about football right now.

They have dudes with serious buddy in parking garages biting the noses off random people. What happens if Petrino wins? What does this guy do? Clary's. Did he just, did he just Kirby someone's entire body? Yeah. I think he, I think

the next. Just clinging to the underside of Bobby's car, cartoonishly sharpening it set of knives. He's got to be so delicious. This is fanable. Fan. Arkansas The scourge

The scourge of Fansville So another dude Somebody who knew him Was in my mention They're like, yeah, he's a fucking huge dude So just imagine this gigantic Idiot Arkansas Bill Braskey Coming out to him

You're like, I'll show you what for What I like is that It's a it's a tale of escalation Because he starts with punching the wind As I said Like very strong opening gambit Goes immediately to body punches, then has to go up one more level.

Like, honestly, thank God he, that was it. Because what is above, like, was he going to pull out a pocket knife and scalp this person in the fucking parking garage? This is... They're in a contained environment where you can't really go anywhere. Correct. He had a lot of time to think about this. The parking garage is the original octagon.

That's the end of a fast six, I think, Ryan. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I think he was on Bear Protocol. you know bears when they attack things sometimes it just feels really random like well he tried to pull my clothes off because he was trying to skin me and then he bit my hand but then he got got confused and he went over there and he knocked out a window and then he pooped in my car so i'm going to say that the next stop in this is he would ruin the upholstery by chewing it and then he would have pooped in the super rue i'm just astounded by the big fella's speed like it's difficult to get your to get your teeth on someone's face especially when they are already on alert for all of your movements. So this raises an interesting question.

Is this the first nose this man has bit? Or does he have the reps that made him? No? No, he's done this before. Yeah, I don't know how you pick up, I don't know how you pick up that kind of closing speed on the fly. Yeah, or if you think that's the thing I can do. And you need closing speed.

Yeah. More than anything. Also, if you can look at the mugshot, yourself look at the mugshot and then tell me he has not bitten another person before he absolutely has i think this is how he climbed the corporate ladder at tyson they would have a disagreement and then he would pause like are you sure about that like you know yeah like he's a mastiff like i'm going to do it and be like let let big damn have what he wants that's why johns from moonraker was such a successful businessman that's why it didn't appear in the rest of the movies he's like i'm just

making too much cash over here, threatening to bite people for money. I got a producer credit. I'm good. James Bond can't afford me. With this broke ass. It was the 70s in Britain. Tell me that James Bond had no money. He had no money. Absolutely none. What would he do with it?

Yeah, you'd know where to spend it, right? Probably. No, probably child custody issues. Cigarettes. Cigarettes. James Bond's cardio is very limited. That's why

always had the card like cute like he's definitely laid on a child support payment or five oh my god imagine his monthly payment yeah like that's why he's so sad because he's like i just got to keep working forever that's why yeah that's why he's been working for what 60 years or whatever yeah yeah i would really like to stop being a globetrotting alcoholic who murders people but the money's too good the money is too needed he's too neat but also I can't keep a car car payment keeps going up

I've wrecked so many speedboats hey speaking of to topless women can we go to the queen is dead sorry you know I saw them lowering her into the floor of Westminster

Westminster Avenue it's giving me the meanest look right now the most what is wrong with you look is this I'm smiling I just thought oh that's so disrespectful y'all got to leave her there

just gonna drop her to church basement run away that ain't cool I think they should put her in the river it would have saved everybody a lot of time you need to see her float by

no one has to wait you don't have to cue the river is its own cue God what a good I am super fucking jealous of the British though because like for what like a week

you could get out of anything by being like oh sorry I have to go wait in line to see the queen's corpse I can't I'm too sad about the queen yeah I want to go look at the Irish stock market over the last week it has to be skyrocketing booming so powerful the Irish fireworks concern is the world's biggest corporation

just look at the Facebook data and be like I see nothing but likes nobody's thumb down to anything oh my god I'm sorry Holly you wanted to talk about topless somebody Oh, I had a voicemail to play. So, her, can you go to Leah, area code 435? Hi, this is Leah from Utah. Props off to the girls who are in shirtless and the snuts. Good for you.

You're absolutely right behind them. Also, unknown flexed that they were willing to third down jump without a bra. That sounds extremely uncomfortable. And I've never been proud of us. What an audition to get into the Big Ten. Go youth. Is that third down jump? Yeah.

Jumping on third down? Yeah. Yeah, that does seem committed. Yeah, I hadn't thought about it from that particular angle. So thank you, Leah. And Jane Coaston sound alike, because I absolutely don't know. Is that investigation still ongoing? Or have the crack detectives in Salt Lake?

Yes, ma'am. We're very committed to solving this case. Let's go see what Malaysia malaria, malaria, thought of I don't actually care enough to look up that scary woman's Instagram again if you do and you want to know how it's going or if you're Salt Lake City law enforcement

and you want to tell us how you're diligently searching for this you can call us at 704 soul cast hail to rob the sun god was there was Utah at home this past weekend I want to know if the unmasked bandits have struck again I want to know if Uh, yeah, it was, it was Ute Proud day.

I mean, that's, that seems like the best time to go naked. Uh, at Arizona State, there's, okay, there's going to be some flesh on display. After, after that is homecoming. Come on now. I do take one little, I do want to wait one little objection to the idea that this was an odd, a good audition for the Big Ten. Because the Big Ten of nudity, not linked in my mind. Have you met Wisconsin? They're not all Michigan.

Yeah. I mean, Wisconsin feels like Wisconsin plays in its own conference and guests in the Big Ten. Can I talk to you to a Donald Duck, Sitch? That's actually how jump around came to be so popular. Can I point out this conference includes New Jersey?

Yeah. Yeah. Spencer, your noted, well-documented Michigan bias really is kind of color-based here. It is. It is. It's a school that, Is them at Ohio State? You're telling me Ohio State doesn't get inappropriately nude?

Yeah, no. That's what shirt. Michigan State's named after the most topless guys in all of Greece, which is saying a lot. Spencer, I want you to close your eyes for just a second. I'm going to say three words. Thank you, Jason. Nude Purdue. It's huge.

I hate to tell you all. It's like, it's gigantic. It popped up in my mind, Ryan, and I'm sorry, facts of facts of fact. He's got a hammer In more than one way That's why he's got that look He's like, this is more of a burden than a blessing You don't even know

Sorry Do you know how many pairs of bike shorts I buy? I can't go to a public pool People look at me like I'm a pervert The locker room, it's a show Look at Pete, here he comes Speaking of the Big Ten Let's go to 605

Dan and Nebraska Hey everybody, this is Dane from Nebraska I don't quite know what I expect it But that was Well, that was more or less it Happy Scott Frost Day It endures, it survives him and his tenure We deserve nothing

Govick Red We deserve nothing We got a number of Nebraska voicemails on the order of it happened again. But we also got one very interesting dose of perspective for Nebraska from a Boston college fan server. Can you play 617?

Hi, this is Todd, and I'm calling for a little bit of a pick-me-up and some hope for Clancy from Nebraska. Gosh, Clancy, I think as sports fans, we all know, how sad it is to deal with expectations when they come crashing through the floor for your season. But I want to tell you, Clancy, you've been given a guess. this is the best thing that happened to you. Your Saturdays are about to get awesome.

You no longer have to emotionally invest in a team, and you get to embrace all the wonderful weirdness that exists in college football. It's liberating. Buddy, I root for Boston College. I know what I'm talking about. Most years I'm checked out by week four. This year, they did me a huge favor.

They dropped a turn to Rutgers in week one, and now I'm free. Clancy, there's hope for you. If you just follow these simple steps, don't watch Nebraska football Don't check the score Embrace everything else going on in the wide, wonderful world

of college football and you're going to have a great fall. Listen to me when I tell you and I want you to know that I mean this. Clancy, I wish you a happy Scott Frost Day. So, I mostly agree with this.

And I do think that the reward that teams that fire their coaches super early should be given is um is that everybody else agrees that like all right well we're just not going to talk about them we're just going to like they're just done we're not going to write about them if you want to write about the coaching search i guess that's the one acceptable thing but like everything else that happens sort of like they've already indicated that they're done they've already unplugged the controller like in ancient culture declaring you or like or shunning yes yeah we're

Yes, yes, you've been shunned for the year, and it's for your benefit as much as ours. But Nebraska did one thing this last week that was very inconsistent with that. Their interim coach fired the defensive coordinator, and it's like... Yeah. Did you just want to know what that feels like?

Yeah. I think you did like him. That's awesome. Like the first thing you did it was like, I'm getting rid of Ray. Fuck Ray. Okay, if that's... Hey, Ray, what?

Get out of here. He gave him one chance to give up 49 points. and then said, see? Because normally when you fire a coordinator, it's because you're like, well, I will go hire somebody else. Maybe not now, but eventually. But you're the interim coach. You're not going to be the head.

I don't think you're going to be the head coach. What? Is this just going to happen every week? Are we going to get down at the end of the season? Nebraska's like, it's the interim and two grad assistants and one of them is going to die by the end of the night. Yeah, we're 10 little Indians in this. Anarchy.

There's a like an English professor on the coaching staff. Nobody else. The chaplain is calling place. The other thing I wanted to raise is Greg Shiano recently became the winningest coach. No, not the winningest. The coach with the most wins in Rutgers history. With 79 career wins across. And that's a long history.

Across 14 seasons. Yes. And it was stunning to me that in all this time, that was the number to beat. Greg Shano's record, again, unquestionably, the most successful modern record is head coach. His record now stands at $4.94. Wow. So, yeah, I can see why losing two records might, undefeated records, by the way. Three and O records.

Did any of us happen for playoffs? no damn it no why don't play less it's the dice it's summer

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I just feel like we are surrounded in this world by bullshit. So how can you know what's real and what's not, science buses? That's how. We answer questions like, does anti-aging skin? actually work? And what is your true personality type? And to answer these questions, we don't use opinions. We dive into the scientific studies, talk to the experts, and put it in a podcast that I know you are going to love. Listen to Science Versus on Spotify. Can I bring up a piece of news that...

Please do. Probably the most important news for a large portion of our listenership. uh grand theft auto they're making uh i'm sorry jason i'm gonna do this every time you say something fuck yes because gta's in my goddamn marrow it's in my blood they've been milking gta 5 for well over a decade now because it just keeps shitting money um but they are going to go ahead and make another one um and it has been suspected kind of knownish for a long time that they're going back to miami but they are expanding that map uh up into could be central florida could be all of Florida. Could be, yeah, hopefully there's panhandle representation in there.

Maybe we get the T-Tona. Oh, my God, let's get Daytona. I am a spring break mission. It's Mike Week on GTA. There's a strip club in a Publix. I just realized we're going to have hot coleslaw wrestling in a video game. At last. The controls are going to be so shitty.

She's talking about the new Zelda game, actually. dude this is a breath you thought you had wild breath just Miyamoto being like more coleslaw noises more coal and somebody next one being like that's why he's a genius

thought you had wild breath have you been to Pinellas County well didn't we already get a map of what parts of Florida it's going to encompass or was that fake so you know there are maps there people have taken screenshots from the 90 videos

that leaked and linked them to real places that they have scouted in South Florida And it includes a territory Half of Florida, including the glaze. It includes everything basically up to Port St. Lucy and over to like a little bit of like what looks like Naples. Like yeah, like it's everything down including the keys.

Let's just say they've found animals that include gators, boars, raccoons, and there are whispers that we might even have the skunk ape. The skunk ape. Oh God. Listen, if you could do whippets with a skunk. Cape on an airboat while firing an automatic weapon at a billboard, it is

going to be the most authentic Florida game ever made. Now this is making me think about a Florida version of Red Dead Redemption where there's like eight people and just a shitload animal. It's almost all animal. No air conditioning. Strand theft animalia. Yeah.

Sweaty pelt. They've created the Florida Man Life Simulator. So that really, whenever this game comes out, that we might not even talk about football that season. No, God, I'm going to disappear for a month. I didn't really think I was going to, there were two things that really are warning bells for me

in terms of complete life derailment with this game coming out in two years or whenever. Maybe three now that they leaked it. Leaking is apparently a very bad thing for the release date. I don't know. They're saying like, nope, double down, fuck it. Double down. Year early.

We'll do it next week. Like half the forum posts are like, oh, this looks unfinished. and no fucking shit. That's why it's a leak. The other half is, you can play as a big booty Latina, release this game now.

Greatest game ever. Look, look, she's holding up a Waffle House. This is this, at last, cinema. That was the other thing that got me, one was my immediate bloodlust reaction to seeing GTA, be like, ah, the old flames back. And two, you could get into a fight at Waffle,

house. It's so clearly a damn awful house. It's got the little globe lights. It's got the fake plaques and degrees on the top, right? Along the tile. Press triangle, bite nose. I hope you walk into every Waffle house and if you start a fight, the cook

throws in with a crowbar, right? I hope that's just day rigour. It's probably the type of shit where like you try to rob a gas station, oh no, no, no, don't hurt me. Try to, try to rob a Waffle house. It's like, are you sure? It turns into a rhythm game. You just see the guy.

You just see the grill cook turn around. He's got an RPG pointed at you. Boom. He don't care. Final boss. That really got my blood singing when I saw Waffle House in there. And I was like, okay, this is going to officially be a problem. Because I did remember in Red Dead 2, if you'll recall, there was a gentleman you get into a fight with at the bar in one of the bars.

I think it's in strawberry where he is 20 times tougher than anyone else you fight. in the game you have to knock this man's skull like with your fist for like five minutes straight before he gets knocked out i'm like they should make every waffle house cook that every waffle house cook should be the dude who takes 20 minutes to knock out yeah you see there's stats and it's like holy fuck you better you better level up a little bit you just see that energy bar and it's just the entire bottom of the screen fucking eldenry i gotta go buy i gotta go wind house cook you down them they go down and then life meter burr God, their second form.

The Red Bull kicked in. Could have gone grinding checkers for an hour so I can be ready for Waffle House. Don't let him smoke a cigarette. He'll become immortal. Oh, yeah, don't fight him outside the Waffle House. My God, that's when he's got wings and shit.

That's the other thing. That's where the helicopter is parked outside of the Waffle House. That's how I got, the warnings were there. The signs were there all along. So they can fight him rampage style. That is, and the number of actual real people that they're going to kill in this game. Remember, the last GTA, they killed Mark Zuckerberg.

They took this guy who was, they should try it again. They took this guy who was basically like Clark Mukherberg. Yes, the extremely subtle satire, Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. And the, the, the, exactly. They killed Zark Mukherberg. Right. With a cell phone, right?

Like a cell phone bomb was, was the setup here. and I'm like, they're really going to do that again. With Florida celebrities, yeah. Yeah, with Florida celebrities. They're going to kill Castro somehow. Yeah. No, Castro, in this game, he's not dead. Vanilla Ice is going to kill Castro.

Now we're cooking. Why am I getting missions from John Gruden? John Gruden showed me pictures of cheerleaders and sending me on missions. This is confusing. Rick Ross is just going to drop a whale shark on you out of a C-130. Yeah. The playlist is, like, the, the, the, the, But as you're like cruising your speedboat over a bridge as police helicopters are firing at you.

And you're just flipping between playlists. You got you got Trick Daddy. You got Tampa Death Metal. You got it all. You need like a club channel, right? The music sounds better with you. You got like six different, six different oons'uns channels. What is a speedboat but a chance to pop the top and let the sunshine out?

We need a Buffett channel, just like Radio Margaritaville. Oh my God, they're going to kill Jimmy Buffett or can you fight Jimmy Buffett? Dude, Jimmy Buffett was probably in on it. He's going to give you missions. He's going to give you missions. Yeah, Jimmy Buffett's probably the Don who's behind everything, right? He's the final boss at the Waffle House. They put him in Jurassic Park and had him not running but finishing his drinks.

That man's built for GTA. Yeah, he's ready. My favorite... Is it bad that I recognized Jimmy Buffett in that movie before I noticed the Margaritaville sign? It was the way he's leaning forward with the cup. I don't know what it is. It's like very familiar looking. It's like watching your day.

It's like spotting your dad right across a crowded room. My favorite tweet I've seen about this comes from Lauren at Not a Big Jerk because this is a very subtle game but this is also a new rock star where Rockstar has said that they're trying to be more conscientious about representation

in GTA and about the sort of political satire and they're going to try punching up or punching down. Yeah. You know they can try to do less punching down because GTA basically was entirely punching down or in all directions. And not a big jerk says

GTA six cutscene where the POC lady protagonist talks to the other player character about how she uses violence to escape the trauma inflicted on her by an unfair world while they're eating at a restaurant called dairy queef.

That's pretty much it. That's going to be the whole thing, man. You get the game. You could tell like... Might as well be a leak. I love that because clearly it's like a dig at everything rock star in GTA is as a franchise.

But Lauren also clearly loves it. You've done enough to know that you've spent some time at the burger shot. You've accidentally set several civilians on fire if you make that tweet. I also love that the foreign people who are combing over every possible detail of this thing. They've said, well, it's not set in the 80s because, you know, the police cars look newer. And people are like, oh, no, those are just, you know, they're just pasting in. Don't worry about those aren't the final versions of the appear in the game. And then someone else will say, yeah, well, Zark Mukherberg is dead in this game.

So canonically, it has to happen after the pre. They're assembling the timeline based on which barely fake celebrities have been murdered. No, man, Abe Lincoln should be a playable character in this. Like, it's just completely a historical. What we really need is to start treating GTA with the seriousness of Star Wars fans approaching that. See, Roman might still be alive, so his cousin could be in Miami. Now that. It's just that GTA 5 was such a huge.

part of my childhood. Yeah. We have to talk about that, don't we? Maybe. Oh, yeah, we will go. GTA's gone woke. Like, you know, the game where it's about murdering cops.

The cops will just keep coming. You can stand on a mountain of dead cops. Murder simulator is no longer conservative enough. I do like the one realistic thing about the game, though. is that the cops immediately start firing for no reason you're like well that's pretty

realistic have you read about the LA Sheriff's Department lately yeah see and that they're endless but police funding GTA it's like there's no it's infinite right you're like they won't send 7,000 cops three hours later nope they don't have a tank why would a police they have a tank the police department has a tank oh man you're going to get droned in the strip club Publix finally seven one it's the way i want to go just like mama went me and me and uncle luke sorry lunkle uke uncle uke just me and shevin napiro buying football players for the university of vice city oh my god man please put college the v

the v is back at least let us go to fam you there will probably be there will probably be NBA stuff Like, there's usually, like, pro sports stuff. Please put college sports in this game. Oh, God. Listen, let Michael Irvin just be a playable character. Just let him be. Wait, make high school football a thing in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have a mission of trying to sneak into Booker T in Miami Central. Have, um, yeah, Glades High School football, please. Do you want to fix the high school football game? Can we get Bud in this game? Like, as like a pop, as like the like pop-off advisor? I think Bud is like, Bud is like the quartermaster. But, yes. he should be a supplier.

Bud tells you how you fucked up and how you need to get stronger. Also, you can buy a pallet of paper towels right now for 60 cents on the dollar. There's going to be crypto in this game. Like, he also dispenses on the funds. And it's going to be called something real clever, like, shit coin.

Because they're writing in GTA, again, always razor sharp satire. I think, like, the GTA of the bar is like, A, will gamer fuel adult adults laugh at it. B, will kindergartners get it? If it checks both those boxes, put it in.

Put it in. And that's why Ray Leota agreed to do the project. Yeah. I love that that is like unquestionably his like second biggest project after Goodfellas. Like on his wiki page, it's like Goodfellas Grand Theft Auto.

Carina Carina. Which one had a better script? Let's discuss. A bigger script. A bigger, yeah, many more lines. Many, many more lines. Both had helicopters.

Jason, I would just want to go ahead and continue this in your wheelhouse. Do we want to talk about cocktails? Holly has not looked at the Mountain Dew Cocktails list. I have not looked at it deliberately for a reason. Let's see here. So speaking of gamers. gamer fuel and the nutrients that gamers need the vital uh more torrid you know what i didn't even know what fucking taurian was the red bull came along i'm like it's got to be important i need it

i need a lot of it it turns out uh from twitter subscriber jack grimes jacoppedia is the handle um this person has created a mountain dew based cocktail chart pairing one two three four five six seven eight nine different flavors of Mountain Dew with five different types of spirit. And given names to all of them, let's just start with the most basic. Default green Mountain Dew, pair it with vodka.

That's called a forum ban. That's my favorite one. A blue voltage paired with tequila, that's a gamer's delight. Paired with rum, that's a gamer's holiday. With whiskey, a gamer's hoot-nanny. And with wine is a gamer's mom.

and like these are these are all great there's um code red and whiskey that's a super mario moonshine my favorite listen the great so there are a lot of existing alcohol because if you're not for tennessee mountain dew was invented as a mixer um tequila mountain dew is a very common concoction in my neck of the woods variously called you know redneck margarita hill jack margarita blah blah, blah, blah, blah. But these are extraordinary steps forward. The berry, lemon, spark, and wine, of course. That is a, shit, where'd that one go?

Oh, the muskado no. Oh, no, that's the book club overdrive. Excuse me. I also know fancier ladies who have done, oh, it's called a, what's that Japanese melon liqueur that's like charteruse? Midori? I have seen something called like a Tokyo tea that involves

Mountain Dew and like that green melon liqueur. Yeah because Midori's Italian so I was like yeah. They don't, my favorite on this is the tequila plus live wire a.k.a. The final sunrise.

This is it. This may be like I was looking at this list. You know what it made me realize? One vein of humor that you can always strike and mine forever with me is character walks into the wrong bar like the moment in a movie or a story

when anybody walks into a bar and they're like yeah they're drinking windex out of skulls I'm like I'm in I'm 100% in and the Muppet movie when they go to El Sleizo I'm like yes yes this is the world this is the world I want my characters to live in

that is exactly what half of this list is easily I'm looking at the chart now I only have one complaint These names are brilliant But there is a crucial omission from this list And it's not in the Mountain Dew flavors You haven't put gin in here There's a reason

The user replied to someone who complained this With basically haven't unlocked English knowledge I like that wine has a question mark Okay All of the hard Mountain Dew names are you fucked up? Yeah. I've had at least three of these in the past year.

But have you had them mixed with vodka and whiskey and shit? No, that's what I'm talking about. I've had at least three of the you fucked ups in the past year. They're quite pleasant. Sounds like you fucked up. I did. Yeah, it's true. I am still here.

Mongolian death worm? Oh, this is beautiful. Yeah, I'm fine with replacing all of the known names for Mountain Dew cocktails with whatever is here. This is Canada. The Baja Blast and Rum. I should just adopt this, right? Yeah. That's Baja Blast and Rum?

That's the Mojito Supreme. I'm like, unironically, like, yo, can I get a couple of those? Can I get a couple of Mhedo Supremes and a Super Mario Moonshine? Yeah, the Kirby's piss is good, too. I'm very fond of that. I've had like six of these. Is that a problem?

Maybe. No. No. Next time, have it in the shower. Level the fuck up While playing GTA6 Mountain Dew Hard isn't as bad as you think As a mixer because there's no sugar in it

Right Yeah How about this? It's good for you Mountain Dew and traditional eggnog What do we think? Mountain Dew and traditional eggnog What would we call it?

Mountain do you know it's Christmas time? Do they know it's Christmas time? Oh, Mountain Dew they know it's Christmas time? I was going to call it Alpine curdle, but that's a little too British. I do sort of disagree. I call it chicken and dumplings.

Mountain Mary, do you know? Mountain Mary, mother of God. I did sort of have a problem that they didn't name any of the hards, because it's very funny that the entire column is you fucked up, right? But I do sort of think that they deserve names, if you will.

So I've given all of them names. If you're ready, we can just work shop these um the vodka plus hard mountain do i would call that a shaky uri the tequila plus hard mountain do i would call that the sheiksalube which is the asteroid that hit the yucatan thus exterminating the dinosaurs uh the rome plus the hard is the i'm the captain now uh the whiskey plus the hard um it's a little wordy but i'm just going to call it the battle of blair mountain because it's shame mcgowan's gums you could call it that but like i wanted something that was kind of Appalachian and also sort of so

Battle of Blair Mountain and then the wine plus the hard would just be the casket Okay we're missing a real Okay perhaps this is a modifier here because I mentioned that Hard Mountain Dew doesn't have sugar The real way to get insane

with this is to make one of these columns in the last you fucked up column and then put a real Mountain Dew floater on top because then you're getting into Bullgator territory Yeah Yeah this is actual mixology

I'm impressed We've been doing this for a long enough time that there are probably younger listeners who don't know what we used to drink in college It's fair And somehow made it to our 40s I'm terrified at the comeback

Of the Incredible Hulk The Incredible Hulk That's Bullgator adjacent isn't it It is Bullgator You look up yours And I'll tell you how May it's Florida week We should celebrate the Bullgator

Okay kids in the 90s When we were getting ready for Florida You would fill a pint glass with ice To the top you would then fill the glass with vodka you would then upend a can of Red Bull like open a can of Red Bull and upend it very quickly with the top of the can beneath the

well the top of the can beneath the surface and you splash just enough blue kurosau in the top so that it's blue and that slowly as you drink it turns green um yeah we college only took me five years and i'm not really sure see the incredible hulk it has made a comeback and it was hypnotic and hennessy i don't know if you ever did a tour of duty with the incredible Hulk i did a tour of duty with hypnotic and i'll tell you why it only lasted one night and there's a

reason that i remember what we made for dinner that night what did you make unfortunately uh we were my Baton Rouge roommate was making dinner and she made red beans and rice and I remember it because it came up fully intact and blue one drink and oh my God, hypnotic It's like you were an Easter egg dying set It was not okay

We poured the rest of the bottle down the sink We've never done that before or since I'm not even joking I'm shaken just thinking about that If a cocktail has a cool name you should probably stare away from it If somebody's like, hey, it's a funny color, and it's called the Incredible Hulk. We were used to drinking shit called the log flume, you know, and stuff like that. And we were not ready.

Hypnotic hit us like, I don't know, like a scene out of the gods must be crazy. Here is an important sentence from Wikipedia. Hypnotic was created in 2001 by Raphael Yerobi, a college dropout living with his parents on Long Island, New York. Yeah. Here's a second important sentence. After seeing a blue perfume at Bloomingdale's, he decided to create a blue liqueur. He sure did.

What flavor? Blue. The flavor is Long Island Blue. I don't even remember what it tastes like. I just remember puking. Very blue. Like not even drunk, just puking. If you made it in a bath tub at your mom's house in Long Island,

I'm drinking it. All right, so I'm going to ask the insensitive question. Does it make more sense? sense if Hypnotic was developed, it was created in 2001. Does it make more sense if it's pre-9-11 or post-9-11? I'm so glad you asked that, because I was thinking the same thing. I think pre, because everyone was like. I imagine in post, there wouldn't have been a lot of time to develop and bring a product to market.

Sure. Given everything else that was going on. Unless, like, the light bulb goes off that day. I wanted to do something to honor America. Where were you in the, where were you when the, oh, God. I need to restore American, uh, you know, spirits. I need to, uh, America needs to pick me up. America needs a spirit.

America got to put me down. Yep. And it's important that like everything in the 2000s, I remove a letter. Maybe multiple letters and substitute incorrect ones. And change, change one of them. Yes, confusing. It's French, hypnotic. Maybe the most 2000s moment I've ever had was being offered in a

Incredible Hulk by a man in a yellow H2? Wow. Yeah. That could only happen. Who was playing, who was playing lip? Did he have glassware? Did he just like have them pre-bottled? He had no, he had him, he had a jug of it.

And it was and it was at a tailgate and they were playing Live Your Life with T.I. and Rihanna and pouring shots of incredible Hulk out of the back of a yellow H2. And I'm like, when my children are like, what was the miracle like before it fell? I'll be like, here's why. You were like, as you're standing there, sipping in here, you're like, this is so, 2000s. Yeah, as I was going, this moment is dated as I'm experiencing it. The guy who created hypnotic later created another look here. This one's marketed towards women called Nouveau, and it's pink, and the bottle looks like a large perfume bottle.

And I swear to God, if you drank out of this, it would look like you were just fucking, fucking, guzzling perfume. This guy just walks around Macy's looking at bottles, and he's like, that looks delicious. I like that he's just like applying the care bear theory of product for giving to liquor. He's like, well, we need a green one now. Let's do orange. Speaking as a former 19 year old, it was effective. That shit did work.

Listen, if we sold a mystery energy drink slash liquor called party fuel, and we put it in an actual fuel can. like an oil can If Hart Mountain Dew won't sponsor us We might as well just do this ourselves We need to do that And it needs to be that What's that like Color of Black that absorbs all light?

Yeah, Vantablack It needs to be Vantablack. If we could develop like a Vantablack rum Just make our own beverage It's called the Seafloor Embrace the Darkness Toxic Mail Party Fuel I think that gets a suit

A toxic male party, if you will. No, we'll actually... Oh, it's called the vampire squid. I do like the threat to Mountain Dew. Either sponsor us or we will put you out of business. We will put you out of business. We will make a drink even dumber than yours.

With our motor oil looking rum. Chad, a liquor. I think that's just gold shogger. It will serve it in a fucking oil jug. It'll look. It'll look like. like transmission fluid people just be drinking it straight out of it

yeah man I had a whole jug so viscous that's how you know it's good that's eggnog and mountain dew eggnog and mountain do go tell it on the mountain dew yeah I like it that took me a minute go yell it on the mountain is that what you said go yell it on the mountain go yell it on the mountain

that's the that's the mel yellow variation yeah um yeah you drink a whole jug of our Chad masculine party fuel and you're just

going to bite someone's nose off in a little in a Fayetteville parking garage that's what any parking garage really

five the world is your parking garage with Chad toxic party fuel the world's faces are your oyster maybe there's a

pearl in that nose you can't know until you bite it open it's time for five they say noses hide pearls that's how people grow noses

Dirk forms around their pearls. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the nose is the safe, and you've got to crack it. What treasures lurk inside? Only one way to find out. There's a reason it's not covered in bone, because they want you to find out. Five locotan, bitch.

That's the other thing, man. Hypnotic came to market at the same time as original four loco. How are we alive? This country used to be great. It did used to be great. I do love that this is all like a rebuttal to bin Laden. Fuck you. We'll break ourselves. They hate our four locos.

I mean, really, the guy who was the inspiration for that entire movement, the father of it was outraged at one particular aspect of American society. I mean, many of them, but one really irked him. And it was the, which movement? It was the maintenance of, it was the maintenance of that particular branch, that particular branch of Islamic fundamentalism started up with this guy. who was in Colorado and he was outraged most specifically like this was his tick by keeping indulgent lawns it infuriated him like Colorado's football field could have been solved with zero escaping probably I want to go ahead and say I mean I hate yard work so I'm listening you know I could get it but now I'm looking

up to see when bad boy mowers was founded you say you could get it oh my God, the founder started production in 2002. See? Wow. Yeah. Peeled by hypnotic. And now they sponsor the bowl game, where? In New York City, no less.

Telling you. They made the journey all the way to the side of the crime. I've seen the Matrix. It's all there. That is so, like, that's going to haunt me now. I'm going to look at everything that happened after 2001 is being like, what do we do? Become super American. No really

That's what happened I know half our listeners are like nine years old They don't remember But that's what happened Every song on the radio Was like fuck you I'm gonna punch you

Because I'm from America For like three years With your decadent trucks We'll make more We'll make them taller We'll make my old Old trucks are not decadent anymore They're little

We'll make a 23 foot truck Your presidents are stupid We'll make them stupider but find that dumber one Let it never be said among our many failings that we don't commit to the bit Is there

I just dare I ask this But I was going to say on Thursday On Thursday we actually have A banger of a Thursday night game No no no I wanted to mention this before I did that earlier but We had a Friday game last week that was weird enough I assume Coastal Georgia State.

That's right. Yeah. Wait, is that here? Do you all want to go? It's at Georgia State. We should go. We'll workshop this. I mean, coastal's here.

We should go. Georgia State, I want to note, according to the computers, the best winless team in the country. Hell yeah. So they are this year's Nebraska. Hey, speaking of which, we got an Auburn voicemail from John and Columbia server. Can you play 205? Hey, full cast, Hail Raw. This is John on a mobile phone in Columbia, Missouri.

Big fan of the Auburn Tigers here. Just wanted to go ahead and let you know if you were wondering. It's a big old Fire Brian week. Love the show. I know we complain about Brian's frequently here in Georgia for a number of reasons. Can y'all think of a good Brian in football? Who's a coach? Who's a coach?

Oh, I was going to say Brian Piccolo, but... Yeah. So we're not going Brian Schoenheimer. no the university of florida's finest i'm concerned that he might be the best um he may be well brian billick does have a super ball yeah Brian and is and is and is now potentially heir to the Arizona state throne Brian ferrets has made a lot of money coaching football that's true he's very profitable we did have one a caller who called in from a 404 area code gave his name as Brian f in Iowa and said to tell everyone I'm doing

all of this on purpose Brian Flores An important figure Central Michigan had a good coach named Brian Kelly I forget what became of him I don't know I don't know any Brian Kelly

Just wondering what would happen if we extended Never Brian to to the arena Not you Floyd No I don't know Brian Kelly I only know the That's Floyd that's not Brian I only know the charismatic

Bernard Robeshawn, coach of the LSU Tigers, authentically Cajun. That man, name is Brian. So you can call a BB for short. Bebe, Bay, Bay, Bay, Kelly. Oh, baby, Kelly, down there. Babe, Kelly, with a U and an X. Dear God.

I don't know where they'll let us go. Neither does he. I saw him throw a whole hog at a cop once. The cop thanked him. I'm concerned that we're going to make him cool. No. No, he'll help with that. Don't worry.

Hurry up, server. Play 828, Jake. Oh, my Auburn needs some counseling. They need, Auburn needs to take a gap here. They need some time off, and so do I. My son is going to NC State next fall, and they're looking awfully sexy tonight. I don't know if I'm just damn it

Jake in Asheville did he end that with he signed it and I appreciate that he also edited it with damn it yeah no we went through I'm just saying is an Auburn fan

uniquely qualified maybe to hop right into NC State fandom oh I think those are wildly emotionally yeah I mean I think it's just way too boring for he's going to get bored and leave yeah will he get bored and leave or will it be soothing it might yeah it might be yeah it might be like you know a good cool down i agree with that but anyway jake call us back in three years let us know how that goes so auburn plays missouri yes what if they didn't what if they didn't would you put a single

dollar on either team in that game i would not not not not one. No, I mean, I don't, yeah, like, no. That's not this week, is it? That's this week. That is this week. That's happening. Yuck.

The game of the week, of course. Undefeated Duke, undefeated Kansas. That's right. I don't care what they have named the big nude Saturday game. That's as big a nude as it gets. Oh, we've got a Kansas voicemail. Server, play 541. Hello, full cast.

My name is Alex from point. out west, and I'm a Kansas alum marching Jayhawk from back during the Glenn Mason experience. And I wonder if you could give us a few pointers on how to handle success in the media. I'm so used to always reading a national article on Kansas football and having it be compared to a dumpster fire or making dumpster fires look tiny. so I'm really not sure how to handle this actual success. Of course, now there's a fire engine going by. Anyway, please help in that regard. Also, if you look at the schedule, there's a real good chance we start 6-0 and finish 6-and-6.

The last time, 2009. I don't know how to handle this. We could be good. I'm very scared. And happy. I'm very confused. All right. I'm just going to jump in.

I'm just going to jump in. if you're done sir sir are you finished sir so the last time 2009 when ku started 5 and they finished 0 and 7 so that would be an improvement over the last time like isn't the move just to talk unrepentant shit and be like well the media doubted up as usual that's a lying cowardly media and like just ignore the last decade plus of kansas football history. This happens every single time they count us out. No, it doesn't. Yeah, it does. Yes.

I'm going to teach you the seat. That's absolutely the position that we're adopting here. Like, Sark this week was like, well, nobody likes Texas, and it's like, oh, what are you doing? Big fucking baby. The first time ever nobody likes Texas. There's like five schools that that doesn't work on, and buddy, you're

at the, maybe at worst the second of them. This is the only position to take when you're successful. at this point in our history is just to be like I only got here because all of you

shit lords didn't think that I could I did it to ruin your day and your day specifically You brought this on yourselves That's right Texas boosters grumbling My grandmother was a shit lord

I don't know why I did that voice Thank you Texas Chancellor Rizzo the rap Yeah Just just go That is the chancellor Go find somebody who like Two years ago was like

Kansas doesn't look very good and like spam them to freezing cold takes and be like guess this didn't need well let's get a Bill Connelly's Kansas she'll get exercises yeah yeah it doesn't even better like what about now

Bill Cee go find a box score from three years ago would be like is this really what happened guess not find a box score at ESPN.com yeah look at this the big mouse the big mouse posting lies about

Jayhawks. See, the thing that's at the center of all of this is loving yourself is such a radical act in our world. Yeah. That we must reject it. That you have to completely reject it and turn everything into a war. Because nobody can handle success. Yes.

Nobody. Nobody. That's my actual honest answer is like, how do we handle success? I'm like, it will ruin you and poison you. There's absolutely no way. Everything will be a disappointment until you remember how bad things can get again. On that note, we have another voice. Males, Sasha, or what did we say this was?

Sosho. I think we said Sosich Nucos. This is Sosho. Hi, this is Sosho. Georgia makes me feel as an Alabama fan to be like a fan of a regular team for the first time in like 10 years, and I don't like it. Yeah, it sucks. That's it. I don't like it.

That's the entire message. Welcome, buddy. Yeah. man here's here's the thing here's the thing that i want sasho and any any other bama fan feeling this way to remember there was a time in all of our lives on this call that nebraska fans felt like georgia fans feel now or how bama fans have felt for the last 15 years like there was a time when it was like we are king shit. No one can stop us. We will lose occasionally, but we are one of the dominant forces in the universe. And now, the interim coach is firing the defensive coordinator at Nebraska.

So, like, as much as we, yes, so like, as much as we like to think that, like, well, you know, college football is just this, is, it's just the same story of these big powers, just, you know, whatever. It's like, it's not always. Sometimes it's not looking at a long enough timeline. You got to I mean, Alabama has, it's been a while, but they've had their meme years. Yes. There's some meme recruiting classes. FSU was came shit for more than a decade, and then they lost the Jacksonville State. Ohio State's the only, like, slight exception to this rule.

And even they had to deal with, like, they still won a bowl. They looked bad in the national championship. Those are the meme years for Ohio State. damaging thing you could say about them was that you were consistently the daffy duck of college football you were number two you were the second best team in america i think the single funniest is you wasted an undefeated season because you didn't take the ball band at the right time okay but you went undefeated but that shit was real funny that shit was hilarious yeah it was good but you have to make jokes they would have won they're jokes about privilege right like they're very privileged jokes when you make jokes about ohio state you actually have to insult them personally in order to get anything to stick to them because otherwise you're like no you all are really good. But this is why, if you're an Alabama fan who feels iffy now, I hope you just were fat and happy while it was, like, there's no point in being humble. There's none, which is why Kansas should

just talk shit, because right now you're good. One day you might not be because you're Kansas, that day is probably going to come sooner than Alabama's is going to come. But like, while you're good, there's no incentive to be like, well, I should, you know, we should take our time. No. If, and I know we're not supposed to talk about this game, but if Tennessee beats Florida this weekend, Tennessee should just talk all the shit in the fucking world. That's what they should do. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes. But we won't. Yeah. Holly, Twitter's already established that you're a Florida fan, so welcome. Yeah, that was, y'all, I had a real weird day. Between that and punching a hole in my Subaru. So strong. And Georgia fans, you should just, nothing will ever hurt you again.

You're perfect. And Georgia football will always go. work at Daddy's dealership. Georgia football will always be this good and it will never be bad times ever again. But specifically to this Alabama fan, you don't have to have a personality. Yeah, like specifically to this Alabama fan, what I want to say is that, you know, you can take these lessons forward. You can take the kind of emotional maturity learning and the lessons that you learn through a period of feeling envy, insecurity, and even, you know, deep uncertainty about your football team and you can re-center it so that when you experience success, do you know what you're going to say? No one wanted us here.

No one thought we could do it, baby, but we're here. Yep. Come on, haters. Yeah, just be toxic. There's absolutely no, there's no value. It's actually the worst outside of the headphones. You know, when I'm feeling toxic, I like to kick back with a tall, frosty glass of toxic masculinity. That's right.

Brand new orange liquor from full cast laboratories. Comes in flavors of Chad. Chad Plus. You'll find other things. Like, Georgia football. Well, Georgia won a national championship, but they also paid Tom Crean a shitload of money. So, like, you got to go look for it, but there's balance out there's balance out there in the world. They've lost to Colorado and UCF and so forth.

Yeah. Like, yeah, Georgia's been the meme team many times. Listen, you hire enough white dudes with bowl cuts. Eventually one of them's going to be a good coach. Yeah, eventually one's going to take. I mean, like, Georgia should have like five national titles this millennium and they have one. So you can laugh at them about that for a while. I like that Spencer said

you hire enough white guys with bowl cuts and eventually one of them's going to take and he thinks that's a Georgia joke but actually it's a joke about every urban urban Meyer coach post urban Meyer coach at Florida that's actually what that joke is. Some of them have shaved heads too. That's also this is the first one.

This is the first time. This one had a fantastic haircut. That wasn't the problem at all. Yeah. We finally were like too much hair. Go with a coach with less hair. Hey, let's take this fan quest out on a high note with 828.

a lot of 828 calls this week. Good afternoon, North Carolina. Let's do John from 828. So, I'm just leaving Kid Brewer Stadium in Boone, North Carolina. It's John, guys. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. It's been three weeks of 6163 of beating Jimbo Gigum in Texas A&M and winning on a Hail Mary I have never seen in my many years of Attaic games

three games like this I'm not sure my heart can take it go Mountaineers Go America It does not get easier Do you know who's next on the schedule? JMU James Madison

Who is having a fucking kick-ass year All the more reason to just enjoy this for a minute dude JMU who is either actually pretty good or hasn't played much of anyone but they're kicking the shit out of not much of anyone but like even even their efficiency numbers like on offense and defense JMU is like fucking rocking and rolling right now

so yeah it's good to play Norfolk State it's awesome like people are making fun of Michigan for scheduling like a weak-ass first month hell no you know how awesome it is to be like yeah we're just play Hawaii we're going to kick the shit out of them A little rule. Jimmy Chang has two scholarship players. There's a good reason not to invite App State.

Yeah, don't do it. Take that first month easy, brother. We've told you this before. It's bad for you. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I will always laugh when, like, a Big Ten team schedules unambitiously because of, like, how bold and brave they believe their nine-game conference schedules to be.

But otherwise, why the fuck would you play hard teams on purpose? It's fine. Yeah, the point is to win. It's fun. Yeah. Some of y'all don't know that. Don't you like points? Nah, I think it's good.

I think we should let these. I think we should encourage more of these things to happen. I mean, are we speaking as administrators or are we speaking as puppet masters? Puppet Masters. Cool. That App State Georgia Southern game at the end of the year, that's going to be fun. Go ahead and I don't know if I have the, I don't know if I have the stomach for it at this point. Fair enough.

let's take us out if nobody has anything else we have one final 828 sentiment some car talk from our buddy cam uh jakey nashville call and konda makes sure spencer's okay last night at minute 24 20 seconds of after dark talking about steps and then there's jets and kirby's relationship he said oh man I wonder if he's got a, shit. Oh, man, I wonder if he's got a Cummins Powerstroke in that thing. Spencer's in Georgia.

Power strokes going forward. Cummins and Rams. Oh. Dear Max and Shetties, man. Ooh. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. All right. Love y'all. Oh, and your spot on about. how we feel about the sinking ship at Auburn. Thank you. Oh, so I wrote this name down wrong.

This is the same guy who said the NC State was looking real sexy. I thought his name was Cam for some reason. Thank you, Jake, for the double message. And for shaming Spencer. This is very important. No, it's all correct. I got that totally wrong. Thank you for the correction.

We didn't get that tweeted at us either. I think this might be the only person that caught that. I think, you know, the post process here is pretty rigorous, I think. Like the fact-checking is like... Especially at 4 a.m. on a Sunday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Server and Doug, they've got a team of like 20 to 25, depending on how many interns we have that year, working round the clock to make sure that everything this program says. That's right. Is just spot on it. But, you know, sometimes we miss one, and we regret the error. And we regret all the ones to come, too. And we've never put out anything as bad as the caliphate.

So suck it, New York Times. Yeah. Thank you.