Shutdown Fullcast - Animal Disasters, Part 1 (Live at SXSW!)

Episode Date: March 13, 2019

The Shutdown Fullcast heads to the home of Big Cow himself for our first ever ANIMAL DISASTERS episode. What kind of disasters? - The kind where someone decides "a gun in a Publix" is a solution - The kind that involve early 20th century Atlantic City - The kind where your Dad ends up putting multiple holes in the wall - The kind where a mascot becomes a serial killer - Tennessee Volunteers football And so forth. Somehow, Ryan forgot to bring up Noah at all on this episode! What an idiot. (Please note: this is a slightly shorter episode than usual because we cut out the Q&A portion of the show. You gotta show up in person if you want to learn those secrets, sucker.) We are conducting an audience survey to better serve you. It takes no more than five minutes, and it really helps out the show. Please take our survey here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/3X6WMNF Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, Fullcast, pals. This episode is the live show we just did in Austin for South by Southwest. It was a really, really great time. And at least as of the time I'm recording this, did not get any of us fired, which is a great bonus. If you came out, thank you so much for doing that. We really enjoyed meeting a lot of you and getting you to chant inappropriate things. We also heard that some people weren't able to get in due to capacity limits. If that was you, we're sorry. We'll be sure to come back to Texas soon. Don't worry. Oh, and this episode is a little shorter than usual because, per live show custom, we omitted the question and answer portion. That part is only for those who show up in person. That's right. Feel the FOMO course through your veins.

Please welcome from SB Nation, the hosts of Shutdown Forecast. We've got Ryan Nanny. Spencer Hall. And Jason Kirk. Oh, God. Oh, God. Actually, all right, so I know how we're supposed to start the show. We're not going to do that quite yet, because I first want to know who has no idea what they're about to see.

It's not too late. Cool. Who is here from outside of Texas? Hell yeah. Who is here? What else do you want to know? Wait, this is your bit, man? I don't have bits.

Bits is such a kind word for what we do. Well, one thing we did at every single live show we've ever done before. Because the shutdown forecast is nothing except consistent. Is on the count of three, everybody, your school's cheer. Whatever it may be, we're all going to holler it at once. Just let it out. Fight on, roll tide, go gators. Preferably hook them.

Yeah. All right. On three. On three. Ready? One, two, three. All right, now we're ready. Okay, yeah.

That's a lot of Texas. You have my permission to do your thing. The thing where I open the show. The thing where you open the show. Okay. Whoa. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel right.

What do you mean? Doesn't feel right. No, it doesn't feel right. Like, we're in Texas, right? which I'm just going to do this because you can do this in Texas. In Texas, great! Yes!

Yeah, you can do anything. What's the state where that works least? Idaho. There's like three goddamn people in the whole state, right? They're like, why are you trying to move here? Yeah. Get out.

Idaho works if you're like, hey, do you like mining? And they're like, yeah. Let's give it up for mining. It just doesn't feel right. I don't feel right just saying like, you know, well, I feel like we need a song to start. You know, just like, because it's very important

at the start of the podcast to let everybody who's in know, hey, you're in, and let everybody know who's out, just get out now. If only they had done this on the Titanic. Stop explaining the joke. So when you hear it, you pick it up. You know, I thought we would begin with the official song of our host, the University of Texas, their fight song.

Sure. I love the idea of blaming them for this. As if they're like, it's March madness and we're on their home court. Their, their unfortunate logo is here right now. This is sanctioned. Exactly. We paid to this?

Yeah, no, we'd have to pay for it. It's the University of Texas. They'd be like, that's copyright infringement, son. So, on the count of three. Stop explaining the joke. Who said that? Who said that? I'm Big Cow and I don't like you. You can suck my dear boy. We just made people yell that.

Yeah, we did. We did. I'm so moved. The human brain is like the most advanced supercomputer, and we just made it do that. Y'all built a hell 9,000. What does it do? It sings Uncle Cracker's version of... Oh, but when I say you look like,

like Uncle Cracker, I'm an asshole. Yes. Yes. Welcome, everybody. This is the shutdown fullcast. Today, I wanted to go ahead and pay another little homage to our guests and tell you the best thing that happened in this college football season.

It is the theme for the show. We thought we would discuss animal disasters because... Yeah, because a lot of you all already know where I'm going with this. You can't do this show in Athens. No. You just show up into animal disasters.

They're like, all right, on to Ugah 15, fine. What I'm hearing is we will do this. Exactly. We need to bring, if we do a show in Athens, we need to bring five replacement bulldogs on stage with us. Georgia, why are you not buying in bulk at this point? I heard y'all needed backups. Developed some depth here.

They die fat. They die young. That's the joke. It's not our fault. We didn't breed these little mutants that God did not create. We're not the humans to blame for this. Y'all look in the mirror, okay? Your pastor sees it and God sees it. We wanted to go ahead and discuss my favorite thing, which was, if you watch the Sugar Bowl this year, how many y'all just, you know, pick that up, like, you know, Texas and, you see that? Yeah. That's cool. I know there's some Aggies here who are like, really? That wouldn't, that wouldn't shit.

That's cool. Y'all go do those brilliant Aggie things you do, like making a giant horse in your backyard and a lot of it. You think I'm joking. One of you is like, how do you know? I'm building mega horse one bit at a time. In my yard in Denton, right? He goes to the feed store a lot and buys weird things.

Gig them. Oh, my. Oh, good God. It's okay. It's just my mic thing. That's fine. Welcome to our Todd Talk. We do have the headset mic. The Todd Graham's on these Todd Grimes.

Yeah, that's good. We're here to disrupt the University of Pittsburgh. We are the seven and five of podcasts. And even the seven, you're like, we saw who you played. Got the Joel Osteins here, everybody. Just throw a bunch of money in a bucket. It's fine. If you love money, set it free.

So true, so true. But in case you did not see the Sugar Bowl, what happened was Bevo, if you haven't met Bevo, he is a steer. He is a good 1,400, 1,500 pounds, I think. I don't know. I was an English major. Personal physician to,

Bevo, Ryan Nanny, was on the sidelines, as Bevo always is. If you don't know, they just keep a cow, just this massive big cow of the song we sang. They keep big cow on the sidelines. Like, that's a normal thing to do, right? You go outside of the state lines of Texas, and everybody's like, that's fucking insane. It's like when you have a neighbor who has a jet ski and they leave it in the driveway on the trailer, even though you're like, you never use it. It's like, yeah, but I want people to know I have this jet ski.

Like at any point you could just hop on and just like ready to jet ski bro. Right, exactly. When the flood waters rise, boom, off like a shot. But Bevo on the sidelines, somebody thought it was a good idea. And I'm going to go ahead and just because I'm playing the home crowd here, this is a Georgia ass idea. Somebody thought it was a good idea to take a bull dog and take them and go see the bull.

Right. The bull dog. The bull dog, which is, you know, bred to attack bulls grab their noses. Guess what? If life were run by Scrabble rules, it works. I love the implication that the bull remembers. That bastard. That bastard bit my granddaddy. That's a statement.

You say implying. I go ahead and believe it wholeheartedly. This is bull oral tradition passed down. Sure. Yeah, the collective bovine unconscious. Let me talk to the ancestors for a minute. You know, through this haze of like sedatives that they undoubtedly have this steer on, right? Like through the fog, there's like, you know,

the ancestral bull. It was like, that one. Get that bastard. So, somebody took Uggah over, and to be, to his credit, Uggah knew what was up. Because Uggah was brought over and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And before anyone else moves on the sidelines, Uggah does a nice little, like a frogger hop, like, to the side. If you check the footage, that bulldog is out of there. Unfortunately, the bull's already in motion. Which is kind of like setting the parking break off an RV, right? Like, yeah, it's moving. Yeah, just get out of the way.

You've lost that. And immediately, pregame charged everybody around the bulldog. Bulldog was out of there, like, I'm a speciesist. Dogs first. Yeah, and that's when you knew at that point that, what was the bet to make at that point? Hammer, Texas Plus 14. That's go.

It came over. And it paid. Cash, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So that's one side. But that's an animal disaster that almost didn't happen. Bivo's been involved in...

No, I would argue it's an animal disaster that didn't happen. Didn't happen? Nobody died, including the dog. We could just start that at South by Southwest, couldn't we? That dog's probably dead. That dog... Like now. It wasn't Bevo's fault.

Bevo gave that dog exercise for the first time ever. Well, yeah, what do you think you killed it? So, yeah, so we're going to go over some animal disasters, some of which we pulled, some of which come from our personal lives, some of which we got from our listeners. I'm going to start with college football powerhouse Cornell. Woo! Does anybody know what Cornell's mascot is?

Bear? Bear, correct. Bear, correct. In 1915, Cornell bought a black bear for $25. Big money. They think that's a bad deal. I can get you a bear for seven. I got to listen on Facebook right now. You want a bear? Why don't you just ask? This bear's name was Touchdown. And before... Before games, he would climb the goalposts.

And they also kept him tethered to a step ladder so that he could, I think, get out of his enclosure and climb on a roam the sideline. It gets better. So the football team was supposed to play Penn for Thanksgiving and on the way they stopped in Atlantic City. As one does. Now, this time of year,

The bear is getting ready to hibernate because bears don't give a fuck that they're college football mascots. But they're like, no, bring the bear out to the boardwalk. We're going to take a picture with the team and the bear. So they wake the bear up. Immediately the bear bolts into a taffy store. Go balls. It runs wild in there for a while,

escapes down a pier, and jumps into the ocean. Problem. Touchdown, the bear cannot swim. So two football players. players used a life wrap with no paddles to rescue touchdown. Now, they keep going. They bring Touchdown the Bear to the Penn game. And in Bevo-UGA fashion, Penn brings over its mascot.

History is unclear if it's a coyote or a husky, which is a great sign. And now, Touchdown the Bear, who again just wants to fucking sleep, has to meet this other animal. so he smacks it across the face and knocks it out. Cornell went on to beat Penn 24-9. I mean, who hasn't gone to Philly and punched a coyote into unconsciously? That's just classic Philly right there. I would also cite, by the way, my favorite case,

Bivo, by the way, Bivo's got like a much better history. Like charging a bulldog ain't shit for Bivo. Okay. Bevo 3 was loose for two days on campus. I want you to think about that. It's the second day that really worked. Like the first day, you're like, well, that happens. Then you go to bed and you're like, Bevo's enrolled.

Bevo just sitting at the window like, I'll see you. Bevo 4 attacked a car once. Which I respect the, like, resistance to, like, the car, right? It was a form of transportation. He's like, I'm the original green transportation. Is this when Texas played Georgia Tech? Should bevo's just fucking up the entire state of Georgia one mascot? If they did, beat him by, yeah.

If they did, beat him by 35. Like, easy, right? And Bevo 5 attacked, got loose on the field, and scattered the Baylor band. You know, like, who never gets any respect in college football is the band, right? Like, you know, like the, yeah, thank you. Thank both of you, because I was in the band. And I'm like, yeah, stand up for the band. I'm also like, yeah, fuck the band.

We didn't do anything. I think it's, y'all are observed as like disposable comedy props. Like, something bad happened to the band. They're the NPCs. That's what they're for. Where the guys in Metal Gear Solid, you just, you know, you go to home base and they're like, hey, boss, and you throw them off. Blam! Thanks, boss.

Thanks, boss. That was great. Like, the play happens, right? Stanford Cow, right? And everyone's like, oh, that's so awesome. He, like, completely forearms shivers the guy in the band. And I'm like... The band.

They're just human obstacles. That was sick. And part of me is like, absolutely. That is so unfair that you hammered the band. They're there to support you and everything. And then, you know, half of me is like, he knocked. up or Stanford grad. He went on Venture Capital.

He actually did, right? Like, you can make that joke. You're like, that guy probably went into VC and helped ruin civilization. You're like, actually, that guy did. Cal football. Welcome to the resistance. Do we want to do these?

Is it snake time? Is it a snake time? So a question for you, Texas. How many lighters were on the dresser? 21. All right. And how many snakes came out? Those are roughly the same, right?

So there are about that many snakes in this room right now, all right? They are under one of your chairs. Like under, under, you're going to have to look. You do a little digging. Get you a handful of snakes. About 25. Imagine like Oprah and Die Hard overlap. No, really feel in there.

They're under your seats. Go on. It would be so awesome if we. didn't put any snakes out there and we spent like 10 minutes like shit yeah we got to return those oh they're in here they're in here this is the worst this is good audio content y'all get down there come on yeah those are well hidden snakes holly did you lie about the snakes no owned we're owned owned you will continue to find snakes throughout the room all right you get by the way while we do that give it up for brian floyd

right here with us in spirit his insights always value in literal spirit wait I hear the snakes who's got the snakes we got action all right congratulations you are now the official snake handlers of the shutdown forecast

take your responsibility seriously and do not rat us out to the cops under any circumstance Yeah, you're also our... Shit! You're also our... You fell for it once again. Damn it.

That's cute. That's cute. I'm a sovereign citizen, y'all. So those snakes, y'all are in charge of distributing those. As you see fit. However you see fit. Please, deal them out to the crowd as we go. Nothing improves a podcast like a visual gag.

Yeah, dear listener at home. Yeah. I wanted to go ahead, too, because we were talking about the bear. Baylor, for some reason, I was looking up that y'all... Yeah, there are Baylor people. here. Hey, y'all. Do bare-hand thing. Bare-hand thing.

The classic, congratulations on surviving four, possibly five years in Waco, Texas. If we were doing this podcast of Waco, I'd be like, M.com, he's in Austin. They'd be like, I hear you. Don't think I'm not going to talk exclusive shit in town only, local shit specifically, okay?

Waco's a fine town, if you're in Waco. I mean, we went, last night, last night in Austin, we went to a wrestling show where one of the villains was Amazon, the website. I can't fathom anything more Austin than that. The crowd ate that show. Yeah. Even though, they were like, there was a joke in there that they were like, yeah, these guys

suck. They're so evil. And somebody's like, yeah, but the delivery times aren't. But apparently I was looking up, I was like, oh, you guys had like live bears on campus. And he's like, no, we still have live bears on campus. Okay, okay, cool. You got a habitat for them, right? Okay, cool, yeah.

But you used to walk them, right? back in the 30s when you could do anything. Like, there were no laws against anything in the 1930s. You know, it was basically like, we have tariffs and an army and no laws. And I go, you know, when was that? And they're like, oh, yeah, you know, we walked him until, like, the 1990s.

So just think about somebody in, like, junkos, right? Like JNCOs, like massive fat pants. And they go to Baylor and they're like, there's somebody to this private school in Waco. I'm so hot. I'd rather be inside playing Shaq Fu. And instead, I have to watch. this bear on a leash in the hot sun.

They're like, and give it a Dr. Pepper. That's not a joke. That's the best part. She can be like, oh, they give it Dr. Pepper, y'all. Yeah. The Baylor Bear was involved in one animal disaster. I have to get in in the honor of my home state, Tennessee, because Smokey to the second Tennessee mascot

got into a fight with the Baylor Bear. Smokey's like, Smokey's the most Tennessean mascot because Smokey not only got into a fight with the Baylor bear after it slapped him in the face and he was like, you offended my honor, and they all got like, he got, he thought getting into a bear was a, a fight with a bear was a good idea, which is how I know he was from East Tennessee, right?

I'm like, I got this. I've been doing P90X, let's go. I bet you won't bite a motherfucker. It's all hopped up on 3-6 mafia, a mountain dude. He's ready to go. You gotta stop giving soda to animals. Sir, sir, sir, sir. Mountain moon drops.

I'm sorry, a mountain moon drops. But in addition to that, he died maybe the most Tennessean death of all time, which I've written about before, but he died when he stole a chocolate cake and ate too much of it. So I was like involved in random violence in a fight he could not possibly win and also died of gout, basically. Perfect. Perfect. It's my people. The most Tennessee thing about Smoky now is he's at the games.

If a dog could look at its watch and be like, we can leave him the third quarter, that's what he looks like. The most famous image of Smokey is he is yawning. Yeah, but I wanted to... You know, Eric Gaines was underrated in retrospect. God damn it, Ryan. At this point, we wanted to go ahead and transition to both personal and reader submitted anecdotes.

If any of you submitted these in the room, hey, thank you. We're probably not going to use it. We got like 500 of these. And some of them, like... These are the filtered ones? We had to filter them, because a lot of you grew up on font. Right. And what's considered an animal disaster on a farm is, wow. Some real... So we, uh, these are the ones that we figured South by Southwest could handle.

Our actual listeners, you'll get the hardcore shit at a later date. At a later date. Let's, here, exploding pig. That's all I'm going to say. You get into the Big Ten, it gets dark, y'all. Is that Michigan or Michigan's? Michigan sucks is what it says. People get confused down here. If you grew up in Michigan and went to Michigan State,

they're like, why you're bagging your home state? Because I'm a Michigan State fan. I mean, the bluish is mostly. That's the big problem. Sure, there's that. Holly, do you want to shout your cricket story? Do you want me to tell the cricket story? Can y'all hear me?

Y'all want to hear the Cricket story. No, no, no, I am. If possible, sound, we're having a little trouble here and Holly up here. I'm sure she's probably my dadical for y'all. All right, this is the Why I Don't Eat Gravy story. Why I Don't Eat Gravy Story. Everybody's got one. Okay, so I'm four years old.

It's my mother's first year cooking Christmas dinner for our combined families. And I'm in the kitchen just like hugging a cabinet door or something with my mom and her stepmother. and my dad's mom. And one of the grandmothers is bitching my mom up and down because the gravy has lumps in it. And my mom is at the time a new mother again because my brother had just been born and she's not having it.

So she huffs over to the cabinet under the sink where she keeps all of her kitchen utensils this will come to bear in a giant canister. And she pulls out this big wire balloon whisk. And she's in a hurry and it's time for dinner to be all in the next. table, and we all have just enough time to see before she plunges the whisk into the pot that inside the whisk is a desiccated corpse of a cave cricket about the size of my closed

fist. Not enough time, however, to stop this from becoming incorporated into the gravy, because as soon as it hits the pot, it disintegrates. It's protein. It disintegrates. And what was the noise? Just like, pss. Just like this, like a mummy falling up. apart, the sound of which will stay with me my other life, and we all freeze for a minute, and my dad's mom turns to me, there's a pocket door between the kitchen and the

dining room, and my grandma turns to me, and she goes, shut that door. In this low voice I had never heard before, but knew instinctually, even at a young age that it was best to obey, and I pull the door shut, and she turns to my mother, and she goes, stir.

And we served cricket gravy to all the men of our family and none of the women in my family will eat gravy to this day because you just never know that's some wicker man shit that's how we make the harvest ripe you're up so I had one real quick um y'all got a little grocery store out here y'all like don't you little Okay, okay Respect, respect, respect We like H-E-B

We like Buckees We drove past about a We drove past about a million Buckees is to the point where we're like Oh, that's a tiny Buckees It's only like an acre For the record That's what I'm going to start calling

the Ohio State team. The Ohio State Buckees Well, except Buckees never sleeps Who Where we come from, our HEB is Publix. We like it too. I won't compare. We won't do the tournament. All all grocery stores are welcome here except Kroger. Fuck Kroger. Yeah, we'll turn down their sponsorship money. Also, I will say this. I love

Publix, but you can't take a beer around Publix, can you? It depends on what part of Florida. So I worked at Publix for a decade, and at one point in there, a store manager of mine, we're talking very tall, very skinny guy. Maybe like a younger David Cutcliffe type, we're talking glasses, all that. Those words don't go together. David Cutcliffe was born at the age of 58, I realize.

There was one night we're doing an overnight thing and a bird is in the store. I don't recall what kind of bird. I didn't actually ascertain the visual of the bird. But the bird is up in the roof and this is a very high like hangar type ceiling where you've got to get up on the like triple tall ladder to hang Christmas decorations and shit and maybe die while making $750 an hour plus stock options that you're going to have to cash out to pay rent

and you're going to have to blog to your 95 years old. That's fine. That's fine. I love blogging. Fortunately, digital media has changed since then and we're all fine. Problem solved. So the bird, you know, there's a lot of, what do we do about the bird? There's a fucking bird. The manager is in charge, obviously, and takes, I got a rifle.

I got 22 in the... Jason, there's this guy over here who just starts to nod real fast as soon as he's got a rifle. We're in the great state of Georgia, so the impulse to go pop the fucking trunk. I get it. It's time to... So, he missed. He didn't hit anything important, did he? Well, there was a water line.

So that publics was Aquatic. It was briefly a sublix. There was like a water stain for at least six years. Just a ring around the whole store. It was fucking awesome. My picture's brother was the birdhunter

indoors for the entire town. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is a job? That's like a step below mayor. Are they hiring? It's more of a calling. I was chosen The Lord came to me in a dream

He said, go shoot birds indoors Actually growing up in Franklin, Tennessee There was the pig guy He wasn't the pig farmer He was the pig rassler So like if you needed A pig got loose Which was my favorite thing growing up

The place where everyone was real class, insecure And like, oh we got money, we're not country Every now that a pig would come off a farm And be like, well Y'all thought you was out of this didn't you? So you had Dog the Bounty Hunter for pigs. Yeah, we did.

He had a bullet, too, because I think that was a requirement, right? I was like that the farmers were like, I ain't doing that shit. Why don't you call Carl? I like to imagine that like Dog, the bounty hunter, the pig guy catches the pig, and then has him in the back seat, and he's like, listen, man, if you could just follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, you can turn your whole pig life around. You don't have to live this way. That and, by the way, like the pig, we have to.

haven't mentioned pigs in the animal disaster in terms of mascots because it's like, oh, ha, ha, they, Arkansas's got a pig. That's one of two mascots I know of that has committed murder. And it's the only one I know of that has been described as going on a killing spree. Right. So, like, LSU's like, we got a tiger. We're serious shit, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

Mike's never gotten out and killed eight people, right? Well, that we can talk about. That we can, too. They fixed that, Cher. Mike Barry is a bones deep. All right, we're going to do some reader submissions, some listener submissions. This one comes from read. When I first got the Nito Robot vacuum, it's tech, so we can talk about it at South By.

I would set it to run while I was at work. I would leave my dogs inside and come home during lunch to let them out. One day I opened my door, and what I see looks like someone went mud riding through my living room carpet. My 14-year-old dog had dropped a mask. and I'm sorry I have to say this, semi-soft pile of shit. And instead of sensing an object in its way, the vacuum pushed it around like a poop bulldozer. Disrupt!

I spent most of the night deep cleaning the living room. Every crevice of that Nito robot vacuum was packed full of dog shit to the point that I took it outside and hosted down, which we were also told, destroyed the robot. All right, robots It died doing what it loved Robots will kill us one day But it's not going to be in like a sky net

They rose up against us, whatever It will be because we told them to do something And they were like, are you sure? Why? I developed a robot that would dust This entire missile control console Are you sure? Whoops

That was, we actually got a second robot dog poop it's the best moment in the history of this podcast this is a tech trend south by hey where's nilai emerging tech trends

you blog this please no that's an emerging technology that one was also you right which one the other poop one it's the same thing no it's got a good detail also it comes to us from a Oklahoma, the Oklahoma, that's right.

Yeah, okay, so we got the guy. Come on. Okay, same deal. Guy has an apartment, dog poops, the robot drags the poop all over, man's, you know, confidence in himself becomes his undoing. Except I called my dad to tell him what happened. He laughed so hard for so long, his boss walked down the hall to check on him. That's the other reason why the robots will destroy us

because once it starts, we're not going to band together. will be like, holy shit, did you see what that robot did to Dave? Oh, my God. It split him right in two. That shit was, it's going on Instagram. Just standing back like this. That's right.

This is the pose. I do have my story, which is my family story. It's real quick. I did mention we didn't have a pig story. I lied. We had this one. My brother, who,

if you don't know my brother, and you don't, because he doesn't know anybody. Like, I'm afraid to actually say his name on the podcast. You are hiding a brother. No, my brother is hiding a brother. My brother, My brother at the age of 27 went to Colorado and was like, bye.

I think he, I think the important thing to know is that Spencer is the presentable son in his family. Yeah, you know that thing? Like when the Unabomber, they're like, the Unabomber's brother turned him in. They're like, man, what was he like? He had to be like normal. And they're like, no, he lived in a hole in the desert for seven years. That's my family. Are you the Unabomber in this example?

We're going to find out. You a cop? Yeah. Who's asking, Fed? But my brother, my brother at one point, this won't surprise you if you're one of the eight people who know his government name. He's like Ron Swanson without a collar. Like he just like doesn't trust, he doesn't trust the government, but he doesn't even trust libertarians. Like that's like, he's that guy.

And he at one point took up hunting because he was like, can I not depend on anyone for anything? I'm going to learn to hunt and make my own food, not out of some interest, but out of a desire to be completely independent of any other human. So he forgot one thing. You're dependent on other people to clean it and then cook it, right? So he stored this whole bore, like a massive bore. He stored it in our fridge. Maybe you see where this is going? Let's go down this path anyway.

This is good. So we went out of town for two days and left like, you know, like 100 pounds of boar meat and bore parts in a fridge, right? And the power went out. So maybe you've seen any movie where the day, apparently the devil's real big into larvae and insects, right? Like, if the devil appears, it's like, I need, I need a truckload of flies. I can't do the stage show without a truckload of flies. Right? Like, the devil's like, that's my calling card. I need something covered in

insects. So my parents pull into the driveway, and the whole garage door is covered in black flies. At that point, you move, right? At that point you'd be like, best. case scenario, it's something like dirty. Worst case, this house is haunted. Forever. Yeah. They didn't open the door. They figured out real quick what happened, and they were like, yeah, just get the

crime scene crew out of it. Just get those people who clean up bodies. They're the only people who can take care of this. So when they got there, when the crew opened the door and everything, you know, Ghostbusters, that River of Slime, Ghostbusters 2, I'm sorry. Ghostbusters 2, pink river of slime,

it looked just like that. Like when they opened it up, It was just like, wah, supernatural. But that the Statue of Liberty came walking in and fixed everything. There are two stories in this which are definitively

animals owning human beings. This is one, because that pig was dead and it still got revenge. Like, you're going to kill me? Fine. I'm going to screw up your whole house. Whole damn house.

$5,000 cleaning bill right here. Yeah, that's my delicious animal disaster story. That sounds awesome. Yeah, it was like metal as hell. Sounds really good. I have one,

you read. This comes to us from listener David. When I was growing up in Soviet Russia. That's why we chose this one. When I was growing up in Soviet Russia. My family cycled through four cats who had run away.

So we just pick up another cat from the street. This is how Russia works. To each according to their pet need. Can you buy a cat? Can you go buy a cat? No. You will be a You stand in cat line.

My favorite cat, our third one, they never got names because it was always unclear how long they'd hang out. The real story is they never have names because they have numbers. Koshka Odean, Kov. Came in, went to the bathroom, drank what I seem to remember as paint. Vodka. And then passed out for two days. I thought he died on our bathroom floor. Intersection, he was dead for two days on the bathroom floor.

His dead cat. His dead cat on floor. See of status changes. Good luck. But like a little furry Jesus. He woke up on the third day and ran off. What now? He is right, Jesus.

He is written. and is now successful petroleum oligarch and manager of Facebook news so I'm so proud a little colia he did the damn thing is governor of Kentucky

would you go Kentucky why was their paint in the bathroom because they were making their you got a weather You've got to weatherproof yourself for winter. You got to just do the whole thing up, man. It's cold, yeah.

I'm sorry. I do like, by the... How else you clean teeth? Come on. I do like, by the way, that they waited two days. Like, this situation seems bad. But we got a lot worse shit going on right now. We're going to put the cat on hold.

You just let it sit right there. It's totally fine. I like the cat jetted, too. It was like, yeah, well, ran my luck out here. This place sucks. This cat is a Washington State football season, right? It is, like three games in, you're like, dead as hell. Sover.

It's alive. And on third down, they rise. I believe I'm responsible for the tale of Skittles, the cat. All right? Y'all know this one? No, this is a family favorite. I promise. It won't involve corpses this time.

My story, you're going to get a corpse or two. Okay? This is from Governor W. Lepetamane on Twitter. And Alcoa's at Applecores on EDSBSBS. This is, Mom was out of town for the day, and we were home with Dad.

Always, man, negligence just built into the first sentence. We're right there. Chekhov's Dad. If he's in the scene, there's something bad or a nap coming. Dad's about to go off. We hear some angry meowing from the direction of the fireplace. That's good. We look around for our cat.

We look around for our cat Skittles, and we can't find him. We figure out he's gone through the door at the back of my closet into the attic. Question, how was that abused as a child or especially as an adolescent? Like, you know, mom and dad can't smell me smoking pot up here. I hide my porn in the fireplace. Again, metal is hell. We figure out that he's gone through the door at the back of the car. Ridden a loose panel of insulation and landed on the fireplace box.

Please appreciate the X-game skills of this cat. Riding a piece of insulation, like, bro, this is going to be sick. We go to Academy Sports and get a really long fishing net. Because remember, dad's in charge. If it can't be fixed at low- I like the dads are all Wiley-Coyote. We need a baseball mitt. All our solutions are like, we gotta go shopping and we gotta get something ill-suited.

If this can't be first, fixed with a high school understanding of physics and a visit to Lowe's. It cannot be fixed. We're going to need a sleeping bag. Yeah, it's like somehow this involved the boats. Skittles is crap. Better buy a boat. Dad puts some cat food

in the net. I have a plan. As bait, But Skittles is having none of that because it's not the wet stuff. You dumbass. Well, I wasn't spending $7, you kidding me? This shit was buy one, get one, free.

Gotta save money from my boat. Oh, college, college. We figure out he's behind the wall of mom's closet. So dad starts pulling out mom's clothes and tossing them into the bathtub and goes to get a hammer. Now he's gone full shining. Which is great.

Dad's got a hammer, and he's heading toward drywall. Call the neighbors. He went full. Bring me Thanos. First hole in the wall. Not close. Second hole. Too low.

Third hole. Dad can reach in and just touch Skettle. Dad gets a little piece of cheese. Dad's got this. Holds it up and yanked skittles out. Home comes home to a destroyed closet and all of her clothes in the bathtub. And you know, she came home and he was like,

the damn cat. Your cat. I never wanted it any. Three months later, an upstairs toilet overflows, ruins all the carpet, and drips through the light fixtures. That's like a minor occurrence in this store. That's like second rank. The insurance adjuster sees the holes,

gives my mom a wink, and says, that happened when you were looking for the leak, right? The wall gets fixed for free. We all live happily ever after, except for Skittles, who was a neurotic weirdo for the next decade. Shout out to Skittles.

Yeah, shout out Skittles. Man, let's, do we have time for the Doxon story? Let's, no, let's save it. Let's save it. Okay, that's good. Holly, you want to bring us home before we do some QA? You want the bull calf story? Do the bull calf story, please.

This one comes to us via reader Jeff, and it's news. This is a news hook. Two weeks ago, I made fun of our bull calves to their face. Jeff presumably works in agriculture. He did not specify, and is not just... No, he works at a bank. It is not just like a quadruped livestock mocking enthusiast. This is not his lunch break.

weeks ago, I made fun of our bull calves to their faces because it's fun to insult animals who can't defend themselves. I got to agree with Jeff. I've never felt so alive as when I'm picking up my cat and saying I'm bigger than you. Then while I was busy in the past year, one of them ate the key Jeff left in the four-wheeler's ignition. And I'm going to quote Jeff directly here, I didn't have a spare. I've never been more owned in my life. Big cows. Huck them! Huck them!

Those big cows don't like you, Jeff. I think that calls for another round of music. Another round of music? You gonna sing it this time? Me? No, no, I mean, you need to invoke. We need an invocation here. Come on, Pastor.

We're gonna sing one more verse. If you haven't dedicated your life to Big Cow tonight, I want you to lay it all at the hoof of the calf. I want you to bring your burdens, bring your brisket. I want you to bring it all. We're gonna smoke it all tonight. You're gonna raise, people. At the hoof of Big Calf.

Speak on it. We're going to sing one more verse. Bring me money. Let's say, Uh-huh. I'm a good cow and I don't like you. You can suck my dick. That boy!

Thank you. Thank you.