Shutdown Fullcast - Animal Disasters, Part 2: Too Dark for Texas

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

You know how we did a live show in Austin centered around animal mishaps? Well, there were several stories you submitted that we did not feel comfortable reading into a microphone in front of actual people. So we saved them for this episode, where we could read them into a microphone to digital people, who are not real. Topics include: - Ocean's 11 But Dogs - Prissy, the Radical Feminist Cow - Woodchucks + Fireworks = John Wuck - Tom Hanks as a unit of measurement - Unregistered Iowa Petting Zoo(s) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. Man, I hope you really enjoyed animal disasters, our previous classic, because you know what one successful thing needs? It needs a sequel. And that's mostly because we have a lot left over, because we asked our listeners to tell us their ultimate animal disasters. And animal disasters, apparently so common. Then we couldn't even get to like half of them in a live show. Yeah, this became our live, this became the basis for our live show in Austin. And unlike most sequels, we're returning to this because we have too many ideas, not because we're out of ideas.

I dispute that this is a sequel, actually. I think this is a gritty reboot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the, um, the Zach Snyder. The Zach Snyder cut. If we're telling the cat on the tire story, this is going to get pretty gritty. here's the here's the thing you need to know Superman fucks and he kills

what animals both of them both of those verbs interesting interesting what if we took a children's franchise and made it grumpy for some of these we decided they were just too hot for Austin

so you the listener at home get in the privacy of comfort and safety to feel troubled by things that are not comfortable or safe won't that be fun like Superman fucking animals apparently sure this this would not

this episode would not have an ASPCA like endorsement it really wouldn't which when you look through the list of movies that were made after we decided to stop outright killing animals on film as part of entertainment shout out Gosford Park

yeah Gosford Park is like if you go like man what hardcore movies don't have the ASPCAs no animals were harmed in the making of this movie? Gosford fucking Park. That's right. Fuck geese. I'm just going to start calling Gosford Park like diehard 6. Die Hard 6, Gosford Park.

What is Gosford Park? Okay, Gosford Park is, this is a minority opinion, the best film that Robert Altman ever made. It's a murder mystery set at an English country house that centers around a a pheasant hunt they go out or grouse is it grouse

they go out to shoot birds it's like in the 1930s in England and they go out back to shoot birds and there's no ASPCA logo at the end of the film because they really did just shoot a whole bunch of birds which is fine because birds are our enemy to be clear no one on this podcast harmed an animal in the making of this podcast okay what about self-harm

Are you suggesting the animals within the reach of our voice will self-harm? I wasn't, but now I am. Is this like the happening? People are animals, so all of this counts. Holly, this podcast is bad. It is not the happening bad. Ryan, I kind of love the happening in the same way that I love this podcast. Let's just push forward.

Shut down full cast sees you, I, and our lemon drink. Remember, the only time I can remember a mascot willfully self-harming, there's two instances of this, okay? Once, I believe, in like, 1982, the Red Raiders Black Stallion just ran headfirst into one of the walls of Texas Tech Stadium. Oh, God. Just ran in front of, can you think of a more Texan story, by the way, than crazy horse. I actually can, and it took place in California yesterday.

Go on. I got an L.A. Times alert late last night, and I'm just going to read this headline. Brawl erupts at convention for local government officials at resort. Okay. Okay. I'm listening. A conference of local government officials from across California erupted into violence over the weekend when several attendees began throwing punches with at least one person apparently knocked unconscious. So somebody got World Starred at the light state. compliance code convention at the renaissance indian wells that's a pretty text in the story to take place in california salute california i appreciate that because i need to figure out how far indian wells is

from temecula the other story i remember is at one point auburn's mascot one of auburn seven mascots right because auburn has the following mascots they have obby um they call themselves the plainsman oh it's like an hour and a half there's taylor hicks taylor hicks is also a mascot at Auburn. He's a very plain man. So life-like. Pat die. Pat die is another mascot.

Pat die's pants, separate mascot. Separate mascot. One more line from this L.A. Times story. There were no arrests in the mayor fight, and they could not provide any more details from the police because the police department did not consider the incident to be breaking news. So they didn't even assign a spokesperson to it. That's Texas as hell. That's how the police say that your fight sucked.

Then, and they also have the Eagle, in 2011, the Eagle's Spirit took off and decided to wage some class warfare and fly into the window of a luxury box head first. It was fine. That's how I like to enter all luxury boxes. The wage gap is real. Scree! Aren't you even concerned about the genie coefficient? Yeah, so Spirit hit the glass there. That's the only other time I can remember

mascots like willfully self-harming. Pistol Pete has tried to kill himself on multiple occasions just won't stay dead. I think the thing is how many bullets would it take to do any damage to that? Oh, that's like some Tutsi pop shit. Yeah, the eagle, by the way, left a good eagle-shaped print on the window.

Like the War Eagle reader had a great... Like it's greasy? Yeah, like it had like a... Well, I mean, it's covered in, you know, aerodynamic bird wax. That's disgusting. I mean, the story of the original War Eagle is that it fell to the ground dead, isn't it? I'm going to take that as canon, yeah. We just made that up.

No, I don't think that's, I don't think I'm making that up. No, that sounds right. Sure. I think it's that a beloved professors, who I think was a Confederate veteran, had an eagle that he towed around on campus. because for a time all of America was Key West and it fell dead in the middle of a Georgia game. It fell out of the sky. It would fly over the crowd during games. It fell to the ground dead in the middle of a Georgia game.

Auburn came back to beat Georgia and somehow this was a man, I don't know. Bird myths are weird. Bird myths of college football. The theme today, these were the sort of, you know, too hot for live show stories that we got too dark man just little dark you know it would have been an awkward laugh but you're alone right now listening to this probably in your car no one knows what a terrible human being you are god doesn't have a podcast app god also can't see you in your car because he can't see through lead it's true that's why you

shouldn't get a sky a sunroof that's right he can see you laughing at i don't know i'm gonna start with this story. If I can kick all these off, y'all. You don't mind if I kick them off? Or do we have some podcast business to take care of? No, don't say you're going to kick it off and then immediately derailed. Just kick it off. There is a false start on the kick. It is called, can I kick it? We'll take care of the podcast business.

Sounds like the answer is not yes, you can, but maybe. Maybe, no. Might I kick it? Just kick it. We'll get to podcast business. I promise. Mother, may I kick it. I wanted to start with Abe the box. All right. I'm going to tell you Abe is a dog and his breed is a boxer. He's not actually a boxer. Less interesting. A little less interesting, right? But Abe the boxer, if you haven't ever had a boxer, boxers brains are filled with with farts. That's it. They're just very short-nosed, very energetic,

not terribly bright, very sweet dogs whose sole obsession in life is licking faces and eating cicadas. That's it. That's all they really like to do. They'll eat like 30 cicadas at once and come in and puke them up on your living room floor and be like, look, I did something. So this is a story. I can start here. I let my dogs out one night at 10 p.m. to go to the bathroom before bed. I couldn't get them back inside and notice that my boxer, Abe, had a rabbit in his mouth. Okay, I will also, I will interject here. Commentary. A boxer has no idea. what to do with the rabbit. It caught it, and then it was like, oh, what do I do now? Oh, my God. Because they don't, they've had all practical skills really sort of bred out of them. They're just

springs and farts, like I said. I went outside in my underwear to try to get it out of his mouth, chasing him around the yard, using several expletives as I did. At one point, I got the now dead rabbit free. This is actually probably the first time a boxer's actually hunted and killed an animal. so this is science I want this noted but Abe jumped bit my hand and got the rabbit back

the struggle continued and I popped the rabbit's head right off his body since this is going really well so far for you sir I said screw it and went back inside same I think the point in the story where I would give up would be the point

where the rabbit's head came off because I might suspect it was dead before that but at this point I'm going to go ahead and put that wager on the table. Eventually both dogs came in. Abe laid down, got up, went to the other room, and threw up the rabbit right on the carpet. This is flawless.

This is like, this is a perfect animal horror story. I have this animal that I love. And to repay me, he puked up a rabbit that he decapitated with me. It was a team decapitation with this idiot. dog and then threw the whole thing right up on the carpet. So you couldn't even, even if you were the practical sort and thought, oh, maybe I'll get a rabbit pelt out of this or I'll cook it. Right? Nope. Nope. He made sure you couldn't do that and then ruined your carpet by throwing up an entire rabbit right on it. Abe. Abe is the king of all boxers in that this was energetic, stupid, and

ultimately you probably forgave Abe for this. So peak all around. This is like 12 out of 10. what would be the alternative to forgiving at this point you get rid of it I know people who've done this with boxers they're just like I can't take it okay please take and you know who takes these dogs my brother my brother took a boxer once that somebody said yeah we can't really have him

around people and my brother said well that's not me plus I'm looking to build a wall of rabbit carcasses yeah I was I was looking looking to have everything in my house forcibly destroyed by something that doesn't know what food is or isn't and has to test it all by eating it. Is the dog, what is the dog, what is the dog in Turner and Hooch? What kind of dog is that? That is a dog de Bordeaux.

Okay. That's a great name. No, it is a dog, it is a dog to Bordeaux. Oh, with that weird French way of spelling dog? Yes. Deg. Dug. Dug de Bordeaux.

They are very smart. They are very charming. They also are smarter than some of their owners. So if you have a dog to Bordeaux, just, you know, give it tasks like accounting, intellectual things that, you know, sort of can fill their day tasks. Is there some kind of scale that rates dogs as smarter or less smart than Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks seems reasonably sharp. No, that's what I'm saying. Oh, okay.

That would be a good midpoint for determining animal intelligence. Right. Like how many of this dog it would take to equal Tom Hanks, maybe? Yeah, Tom Hanks has a unit of intelligence. intelligence? Dog to Bordeaux is like, like 1.3 Tom Hanks. Wait, you're saying the dog is smarter than Tom Hanks? No, I think you need like 1.3 Tom Hanks to equal, to like, I have it the other way around.

Yeah, that's absolutely what you're saying. Yeah, no, 1.3 dog to Bordeaux, right, to equal one Tom Hanks. So, so point, let's call it 0.7 Tom Hanks. Yeah, 0.7. Okay. Right. That's got to be one of the smartest. It's a very smart dog.

It also looks like it wants a galois and a glass of red wine immediately. Once you see that it's a French dog, you're like, oh, monsieur, I am so sorry to have interrupted your retirement at the age of 47. Who's next? We're not doing podcast business yet. Who's next? I'll go. All right. This is from Alert Reader John.

Little brother got a pet iguana. Dad built a sizable cage as an indoor habitat. But apparently, this habitat was not up to this particular iguana's high standard of living, as she, ooh, lady iguana, proceeded to thrash against the chicken wire with such fury that it actually came detached from the wood frame. Not shoddy construction, just lizard rampage strength. She got along fine in the backyard chain link pen we built her after that, but even Texas winter is too cold for iguanas. So for three to four months a year, she lived peacefully in our bathtub with the shower curtain drawn.

This was our guest bathroom, and as house policy, we never told guests about the lizard. If a guest heard a rustle in the tub while they were using the facilities and investigated, they would find this angry-looking iguana. We would then pretend that we had never seen her before and couldn't fathom how she got into the house, much less the bathtub. If you are John's mother, I would like to hear from you at this time. Please email me at holly.

at www.com. Tell me about this time in your life. And what you learn from it. Do you know what this story convinces me that the world was better without Facebook? Because in a Facebook world, You do this once to Uncle Ronnie

You prank Uncle Ronnie So good He's taking a poop He gets scared by the iguana It's hilarious But then Uncle Ronnie hops on Facebook To tell everybody Hey man

If you go over to If you go over to Alert Reader's house They got an iguana Just chilling in the goddamn Guest bathroom Heads up Prank over

But in a pre-Facebook world You would rely on Uncle Ronnie to go affirmatively tell people, and he's your Uncle Ronnie. Of course, he's not going to do that. Classic Ronnie. Facebook is evil. This proves it. I was on the fence until this story about an iguana. The other thing I learned for this story is that unqualified dads should not build animal habitats.

Bad plan. I will say I went and got my... my car detailed the other day at this place we usually go to, but I've never used the facilities at this place. And it's a rustic arrangement. I'll put it that way, generally speaking, for this car detailing place in Atlanta. I had to use the facilities. I asked where the bathroom was. They said, oh, it's in there on the left. And, you know, just, you know, turn the lights on, turn them off when you leave. That was all they told me. I walked over. I opened the door. It's dark in there.

Heard a fan. Didn't hear much else go on. Shut the door. And it was dark, but I knew where the light switch was. So there's a span of like two or three seconds where I'm going to turn around and try to grab the light switch. In that moment, I heard a dog immediately begin barking at close range. Wait, no, no, this is, okay, just for background context, have you ever met a dog that? It doesn't love you?

I've met a couple, one or two, but not many. I generally get along real well. You're like the mean dog whisperer though. Yeah. Generally even mean dog. The dog shouter. Yeah. No, there's, listen, there's these three pit bulls that occasionally escape from this one yard at my street and enjoy running up and down the middle of my street in a pack.

They're very jolly, but they're still pit bulls. They love this dude. Yeah. Like other people move and they come over and they're like, what's up, man? They're extremely jovial, but also pit bulls. Yeah. I immediately hear a dog barking at close range, and I don't really know whether it's restrained or not. I turn on the lights, and in this dark room, there is a toilet with no stall around it that is facing two dogs in cages, both Rottweilers, both shaking their cages so hard that I don't know if the cages are going to last much longer. It was like the fastest pee of it. my life. So you did, in fact, pee?

I did. I did pee. Those dark's names are Charmin and Cottonell. Was that brave or dumb of you? Yeah, you pulled your dick out in front of two Rottweilers that hated you? Display of dominance. I want to, like, there are two ways to look at this. One is you successfully peed in the stressful environment.

Good job you. The other one is, how would you feel if this had been your death story? Man mauled at Gap. at carwashed bathroom by two Rottweilers in enclosed room that he opened the door to. What about this does not check out? Yeah. But you don't have to,

that doesn't have to be your destiny. I wouldn't, what? What do you not understand about fate? Why wouldn't it be? Yeah, what do you think fate's some kind of like opt-in letter? Yeah,

to say this doesn't have to be Spencer's destiny, misunderstands both Spencer and destiny. Yeah, like, seriously, do you think this is some kind of email newsletter? that you sign up for and can opt out of no fate fate does not have an opt out option ryan if i was supposed to walk in and immediately get mauled by two rottweilers and that's how i had to go buddy i don't know what i could have done about that i think i think the key here is mold in the dick yeah now that part again you might as well give him a story right don't just give me don't

don't just give somebody you know like oh man he kicked it that's real sad no no no no no no no I want to give you all something to talk about on the way out. Also, it wasn't sad at all. Also, this is like 15 minutes of John Wick 3. It's how he would have wanted. Oh, shit, we still haven't seen John Wick 3. Okay, I watched both John's Wick last week for the first time. I feel as though I understood more about the John Wickaverse before I sat through both of the movies.

No, I feel like Jason and I were talking about this last week. I feel like the internet prepared me better for John Wick 3rd. than seeing John Wicks one and two. Yeah, all the lore, the internet doesn't really talk about. And there's so fucking more. There's a lot of lore. Yeah. It is so loreful.

Everyone's an assassin and they use tokens like it's chucky cheese. Boom. The one part of this that I genuinely loved was the notion near the end of the second movie that what John Wick truly fears most is flash mobs. Which, again. Yeah. Relatable. I think at some point in three,

you just sort of accept like all right they're just going to keep assuming i know like 10 movies worth of backstory here even though they don't exist and that's fine like they're there there's this point where it's very important that we have to go to a certain location and you just say i know of no reason why they would need to but let's go but they said it confidently so i believe yeah evidently we got to be there hey let's um i want to pick up on john wick and on john thrick but jason i want to ask you oh yeah we're calling him john wick john Twick and John Thrick. Yeah.

Because it's a trilogy that has a total of 24 pages of script. Maybe. Jason, you have a story about a dachshund named Toby. It's true. First, I have a pre-story about dachshunds in general.

Have any of you ever owned a dachshund? I've lived near one. My best friend in elementary school had two. Okay. So if they're, like, I assume most dachshunds are basically the same. The same very obsessive types bred to dig in holes and dig things out of holes. And like once they get their mindset on something, they're just fucking going to do it.

And you will lose. They are more stubborn than you. Our dog, we have two dogs. One is this indistinguishable, very friendly, helpless mutt. And the other is a senile lady beagle doxen. and beagles of course are like they're for hunting birds which is great because they're basically birds

they're stupid they have no attention span they just dart around screaming all day long just like birds so eventually the bird just says like oh look at that bird you know aha now you've been fooled so you put together a beagle and a doxin and basically you have like a fucking shark like that's the mindset

and the intelligence of this animal you have yeah wait like one of those ones that has to keep moving or it'll die or one those ones that eats trash? I think at this point, now that she's old, she's a nurse shark. She just kind of plop somewhere and don't step on her, you know. Now that makes sense just hanging out in the shallows where it's warm. Yeah.

So we have this like ecosystem in our house where the cat, the little, the, she's three or four, but she's still kitten shaped because she spends all day long hunting stuff, but not killing it. She just prefers to bring it inside because she thinks we're all starving. She's contributing to the household. Yeah, like, here, have a mom. mole you know we don't want a mole but so she brings in an animal um batman the happy friendly boy mutt is he's too helpless to do anything about it he'll just sit and look at it um

and then izzie the senile old beagle doxen of course by the time you get her to lumber to life she'll go and kill the thing and then eventually be talked into taking it outside you know at which point the cat will find something else to bring inside so this recently played out with a baby possum oh hey yeah there's a wife was sitting on the bed looked over and behold a possum which is like the worst thing to see in your in your bedroom uh but we eventually get it out and uh yeah i say all this to say the docks and mindset i i get it you know once once they're locked in no matter how no matter what uh circumstances life might put in the way such as incredible age or the inability to walk they're going to get it done

um that brings us to us to the tale of Toby the Doxon sent in by listener John, many moons ago ahead of our August Live show. My dachshund named Toby had serious weight issues. So doxins get fat, right? This is, this is parallel across both these stories. So I was feeding him only green beans. He was really pissed about it. He would eat his green beans and just stand it as bowl and bark for 20 minutes.

Wasn't losing any weight, though. Again, this all, yeah, I get all this. This all sounds exactly right. Were I only eating green beans? this is the exact same thing I would do. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Just the dog on tilt for 20 straight minutes. Come on, man, hey, come on, hey.

See, like some creatures just be like they'd scream for like one minute and then like, okay, I'll go find a different solution. Not a doxom. No, not us. That's what, that's the Captain America of dogs. One night, my neighbor came over freaking out. She had to take her dog to the clinic because he'd eaten an entire ball of Hershey's kisses that she'd left on a table. She didn't know how her elderly dog could have gotten to them.

So I'm sitting in her kitchen and I hear a noise. I see Toby standing halfway through her dog door staring at me. It turns out that for like three months, he'd been waiting for the sound of her car leaving, then sneaking over through a hole he'd dug under her fence. She always kept food out for her dog, so Toby would eat everything in that poor dog's bowl. also i noticed toby's poop was like 50% silver foil so here's the other thing about dachshund um they're invincible uh they always tell you you know dogs can't eat chocolate if a dog gets a bite of chocolate they'll explode immediately you oh you have failed you have lost your dog your dog is gone give up you

lose her this fucking doxin is eating so much goddamn chocolate in my doxen um just it it used to happen a lot more because she was athletic enough to you know acquire anything in the house even if it's on a fucking counter. I don't know how. She'd move a chair over and climb up and eat the fucking chocolate. And then she like bloats out, you know, as wide as she is long. And you're like, holy shit, she's going to die. She's going to explode.

And then hours later, she's totally fine. Doxins are in, they're like goat sharks. Doxins are the oceans 11 of dog. They're just walking, you know, the fallout gun. You can put like knives in it and it turns it into a, you know, that's, that's a dachshund. It can eat knives. That actually tracks for more reasons than one, because

I remember reading an interview with Andy Garcia after Ocean's 11 in which he stated he based his performance on, it's very Andy Garcia, he based his performance on a Mako shark with the notion that his character always had to be in motion on screen.

I'm not making this up. Yeah, but he skipped the part where he's eating license plates and No, that's Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is eating in every scene. Oh, so, wow. They really get it and where do sharks live? Yeah. In the sea. Damn it.

The sea, right? Yeah. Damn it! Oh, shit. The other part of, like, of this is now I'm imagining that the dog was not barking for 20 minutes. It was doing the thing from speed where it recorded itself barking and just played that on a look for 20 minutes while it went to the other house to eat the other dog's food. Created a diversion. That's what, this is, by the way, the dachshund's, like, consulting with the dog to Bordeaux over the phone.

So now we need the dachshund version of 25th hour. Right. Yeah. that's too dark god uh Ryan speak at a dark take us to your story it's very happy oh boy all right this is from Jason not our Jason this is from a Jason who lives in Anchorage Alaska one particularly icy winter morning my wife was driving the kids to school and the fuel gauge in the car had broken so she ran out of gas she calls me from the side of the highway to come bring her some so I start heading that way while they are sitting there waiting for me a truck slides on off the road and into the ditch on the other side of the highway, which, of course, catches everyone's attention. You say that, but I actually imagine this to be a somewhat common circumstance in Alaskan winter, but I don't know for sure.

Then my wife notices a cow and calf moose trying to cross the highway and immediately realizes the worst possible outcome is likely to happen here. Of course, the kids see the moose and are really excited because who doesn't love seeing a couple of moose? while it's still being dark and road conditions being what they are again this is in alaskan winter and a particularly icy one we're told stopping or swerving to avoid any object living or otherwise is impossible sure enough the calf just gets plowed by a truck there's an awkward silence in the car then our seven-year-old son who is the more emotive of the two says is the baby moose going to be okay and our nine-year-old daughter who is to say the least very direct responds very flatly, it's dead. Time of death. Yeah, you know what, that nine-year-old girl, though?

Good for that Alaska nine-year-old. That's her hour. She was waiting for that, right? Like, her brother's, the wobbly one. Everyone's in shock, and she's like, hold on, I got this, y'all. We're on to the next moose. It's dead. Once the thin veneer of society finally peels away altogether,

that seven-year-old boy is going to be very happy to have the nine-year-old sister. Oh, yeah. Don't you have a story similar to this with your youngest son regarding death? Oh, yeah, yeah. My younger son walked up to one of his teachers, pointed to a picture on his desk and said, hey, who's that? Is that your grandma? The teacher goes, yeah, yeah, that's my, that's my granny, yeah. And he looks there and goes, is she dead?

no that's not what happened no this is not how it was told to me so I wasn't there so try again do a totally different version now so my older son no it's still my younger son my older doctor

bordeaux the way this was relayed to me by the teacher yeah I think I was like reading to their class that day or something for some reason and the way this was relayed to me was that he asked if the grandmother was coming to grandparents day. And then the teacher told him that, you know, no, she passed away. And then he dropped his philosophy bomb. He paused. And this part did happen. He said, you know what,

it's okay. I'm pretty sure she's not a ghost. She's probably just dead. That's the right thing to say. Yeah. Yeah. She's probably just dead. Don't worry about it. She's not just like. In the tone of one offering reassurance. Yeah. No, he had like a very like, hey, bro, I got this for you. she's dead i like this because i imagine he's one of those like shifty medium types who like he's like come on my television show and i'll channel the spirits and this teacher dead and he's just like nope nothing there no man be at peace i wonder too this is ultimately like there's entire religions that try to do this you know tell you

is my loved one okay in the afterlife and your son just said sure sure not not a lost wandering soul not a single problem i figure it's because they've blocked your number right like when you're dead you're just like i don't want to talk to that person right everyone who you can contact in the afterlife they're like oh bro what's up how you doing this is a very you approach to death yeah exactly they're not answering their email this is actually a very holly approach to death where no mentions whatsoever blocked wait are we all dead is that what i'm learning That would make so much sense. And somewhere, some, like, a pointy of the afterlife is like,

just record one podcast without incident and you can move on to heaven. Just one. I will tell you this. If you are in any situation in life where you kill a moose and you don't have a gun in your hands and are not hunting it intentionally, it was meant to happen. Those things, like even juvenile moose are just indestructible. So if you ended up killing a moose, buddy, that was just meant to happen. It sucks.

It's traumatic. It's terrible. But guess what? There was nothing you could do about it because you were just signed up for, you were signed up for that unfortunate incident with a moose. You're so Calvinist today. Extremely. I don't like, what?

I'm not going to feel bad about that because that's like basically getting hit by a meteor and or watching something get hit by a meteor. This is now also our season preview. Whatever happens this year in college football was what was destined to happen, even if it's bad. What can I? Go insert team here. I have a story about a heifer, about a particularly affectionate heifer. This comes to us from, and let me get the full name right.

Sorry, we're doing podcast business now. you bitch podcast business what's that business podcast business picking up ryan's cues without effort and in motion so a man sucked a tiger's dick hmm there's an animal disaster we have most we have most of a live show announcement to put together yep uh holly you stop me when i'm saying something that is not 80% confirmed cool all right go all right We are doing a live show. Correct. On on or about June 21st.

Ish. In Ann Arbor, Michigan. Correct. Tickets or some other form of Responday Cebu play will be available in the nearish future, like maybe within a week or two. We hope so. And they will also be made available first to those of you who donated to the Charity Bowl during our conference call. MgoBlog will be participating in some way, shape, or form.

As our honored guests, yes. Stephen Godfrey will not be there because he's a coward who rejects the notion of civilized debate. I wanted to have Stephen Godfrey in a dunk tank as our opening act and was brutally rebuffed. Please remind him online that now it is he, not Spencer, who is afraid of water and cannot swim. Well, he's all legs, so he would just, like, stand up. Yeah, like you put him on a dunking stool and his feet are flat on the ground. What a fucking chicken. This is just Old Miss not showing up again.

That's not going to hurt him. You know that. Yeah, Mississippi never did have much of a Navy. So I think that's it. Did I hit all the points? I really wish we could reveal the venue at this time. I know. I know.

We're getting some things in a row for that. But keep it not. Suffice to say we will, we will shortly, we will shortly ascend a peak of on-brand. So keep an eye out on or about, we think it will be the 21st. Small chance it might be the 22nd. Partially we're debating which of those has the better World War II facts that we can share. Not share. The crowd already has them.

So remember with the crowd. Be educated upon by the crowd. Right, right. receive wisdom on the subject of and yeah as always pre-owned airboats.com that's your source for all your up-to-date fullcast college football world news what's on pre-owned airboats.com right now I think it points to our iTunes oh it does like cool yeah can I tell them but click on that yeah so you know if you're in the Ann Arbor area there fall through y'all you can you know see us in the flesh and we'll say lots of mean things about Ohio State in Michigan, to be clear.

Oh, nothing but, man. I might wear a Buckeye jersey and just bro out the whole time, just pouring bats of protein powder over my head. And it can't be libelous because Buckeyes can't read. Wow. So can I tell everybody the story of the horny heifer? Yes, sorry, go ahead. Okay.

This comes to us from. cowgirl bookworm if I can really if I can put our brand in one phrase Cowgirl bookworm Cow girl bookworm Cowgirl bookworm you come close She submits this story To start off with I used to show cattle

Hell yes Not little Zibus I'm talking an almost six foot Semetal heifer The fuck is a Zibu That's that clown and are you afraid of the dart Well she's not showing him named Prissy.

If you have a gigantic, if you have a gigantic effort, name it. Name it Prissy. Put bo's in its hair. Just before one show, I caught the flu real bad. My parents still wanted to go and told me all I would have to do is walk Prissy in the ring and they would handle everything else.

All you have to do is walk this thousand pound animal through the ring with 102 degree fever. It's fine. Washing, fit, and feeding. I just had to hang in the truck until showtime. so I'm dozing in the truck, not puking anymore, just exhausted, and I suddenly see a family friend run by like her hair was on fire. My phone rings, and my mom just goes, Prissy jump, Dad! For those who don't know, when in heat, cows will just jump and hump anything that will

stand still. So while my dad was tying the heifer up at the wash racks, she thought he looked up for a roll in the hay and jumped on his back. She weighed about 900 pounds at the time. My dad decided that the smart thing would be to lift her off of him instead of falling down under her chest. This led to him severely spraining his ankle. As he was the one who drove the 20-foot

stock trailer up the mountains, this posed a problem. A friend found a percassette in her purse and her husband went, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, go on. A friend found a percassette in her purse? Like down at the bottom with the lint and the mashed-up rhesus pieces.

I just, Arizona agriculture. Yeah, why does Does that sound improbable, do you? Living, just found a percassette in her purse? Just found a power pellet. It's the word found.

If you live in Arizona or Florida, your purse comes preloaded with percassette. I found, this is true. I found a gun in my purse. And her husband gave my mom a quick coaching and driving a stock trailer that amounted to,

drive as slow as you want, don't give a shit about people behind you. Arizona, don't give a shit about people behind you. So my mom started us back to Phoenix with my dad conked out in the back. She drove great all the way down the mountains. And my dad only woke up after we hit the freeways. We still tease him about his bovine girlfriend to this day.

I mean, not giving a shit about what's behind you kind of is what got him mounted in the first place. Yeah, Prissy. I hope Prissy's like, man, he's the one that got away. I still think about him sometimes. I hope I hope Prissy went back to the rest of the. herd and was like, patriarchy's about ready to crumble. I've struck a blow.

They're weak. They're weak. Now, sisters. And also, among the many wonderful things in this story are this, that the father in extreme dad thinking, with a 900 pound

cow on his back, was like, I'll just lift it off. every dad secretly thinks that like they have a hidden Hulk within them that like oh if I'm just if I'm just motivated enough I'll summon the strength of Zeus himself what is a cow but just a big piece of furniture like even lever weight there that's like a 700 600 pound shoulder press

that the dude's trying to do From the legs With the legs It's all about form With proper form You can lift anything It's not a strict press You know I'm going to get a little bounce going

You should have seen me in high school I could lift a cow I did Hi I'm Mike all sat This is This is literally a mythical test of strength Don't do it this is like this is actually like in the historical records this is the first test of strength can you lift a cow

well hercules had poor form so yeah hercules had problems with it you like like you know dave at the arizona state fair it's not going to go well for you there's a meduce in the garage give me the mirror i'll take care of it that's that's amazing he's lucky he only severely his ankle. Also, I want to go back to this. First of all, Z-boo slander. Didn't know we were hating on Z-boos. Second, these parents were like, you're fine. You have the flu. It'll be cool. It was like my parents who, if you have one, like one member in your family who, for religious or personal reasons, does not believe in sickness, everyone else in the family becomes that person. It only takes one person going, you know, I don't think virus is a real, to take otherwise

rational people and turn them into, hey, you know, the stoics said either it would go away or you would, so let's see, kid. Let's see what happens. Yeah, these are, these are my parents, right? You got the flu? Just lead this cow around a ring. You'll be, you'll be fine. What's the worst that's ever happened with a cow in a ring? Oh, that? Oh, well, that was probably just the ones. That seems like something we can control. Oh, but you'll notice the person who got Gordon, that story didn't have the flu. So you'll agree your illness has nothing to do with this. Yeah, the cow knows you're contagious.

It wants no part of that. Because cows are natural epidemiologists. That's what they say. Holly, do you have another story to read? Yeah, sure. I would like to tell you the tale of the anonymous. Syracuse fan and the dad fighting a woodchuck. This is what's right next to the tomb of the unknown soldier.

Less visited, but still special in its own way. All right. I will now adopt the voice of anonymous Syracuse fan. My father has been battling to keep woodchucks out of his garden for many years. His usual method of dealing with them is to catch them in a live trap and then drive them out to the countryside and release them. I hope he has a special playlist for this. If he doesn't, we'll make him one. However, a few years ago, oh, God, he saw a video with a new method to get rid of woodchucks. There's got to be an upper age limit on people that are allowed on to YouTube.

It involved putting a bit of propane into the woodchuck burrow and igniting it. My dad tried this method with two alterations. First, he put several times more propane into the burrow than was shown in the vine. than was shown in the video. Well, sure, if a bit will work, then more will super work. I don't want him coming back. Second, to ignite the propane,

he lit a firework, tossed it into the burrow. Unsurprisingly, the result was a big boom. I was in our house about 100 feet away and unaware of what was going on. The explosion sounded like someone fell off a ladder onto the floor above me. Our neighbors also heard these.

explosion and called to make sure that everything was all right the next day a very frazzled woodchuck was seen in the neighbor's yard What the fuck man?

Those are my fireworks. The reader goes on to tell us that a couple years later the dad tried this again with similar results. That's right. But with a more conventional source of ignition. I like that That's what he thought the problem was.

Like what a grill lighter? He's like, oh, you know, grill lighters are for propane, so let's try this one. No, it's fine. I've been spending the years grinding, earning Dad XP, really building up my stats. I feel like I'm ready for this boss battle now. Next time I set a woodchuck on fire and threw that in the hole. The hole was full of fireworks now. Is that good?

Oh, the rare literal fire in the hole. I am so thankful for this dad. I love the frazzle woodchuck walking around like, War is a hell. War never changes. We were down there in a trench. When the shit hit. I think maybe the very frazzled woodchuck is just in the neighbor's yard was actually a completely different woodchuck.

He's just kind of like there's a false causation here. Like maybe that woodchuck's just like, I don't know, man. Last night got crazy. Oh, it's just, oh, man. Like we went to like eight bars and like, I don't know, Dave got into some crazy stuff. So he hasn't even heard the rumors yet from the Woodchuck network? No, the Woodchuck. The more tragic angle is that he killed the entire Woodchuck family,

and that's like the Job left over, right? Like, why God? Oh my God. Why? John Woodchuck. It's John Woodchuck. John Woodchick, Woodchick, Wick, Wick, Wick, Wick, Chuck. John Wuck.

Yeah, just with an, with a apostrophe. That movie gets so much better just with calling it, John Wuck. Can I John Wack I read an interview on Uprocks with him where he said With whom?

John Wick John Wick is real John Wick talked to Uprocks John Wick did Well he says a lot of words He kind of is because In the interview The interviewer

Said hey Wouldn't it be Isn't it kind of scary To like learn all that stuff Because then like I don't know You're kind of like an assassin And Keanu Reeves answer was, no way, man, that's awesome, which is kind of convinces me that the entire point of the movies was exactly what I would do with an action sequence, which is, yeah, I'm going to work out like five hours a day for a movie.

Yeah, for a movie. That's like, you know, people pay. Yeah, people are going to pay me to, like, work out and eat a bunch of steak. Spencer, you're an expert on movie workouts. What would you call the John Wick workout? It's John Wick training because it's not a workout. You're training for something. Kianu has said this in interviews.

Also, I will quote Kianu from a preview. People say they're ready for John Wick training. And then they do John Wick training. And they're not ready for John Wick training. Yeah. Hell yeah. Jason. What are the John Wick liquid supplements?

I think it's just Blantins. I think it's blood. Blood. blood Jason so let's see let's start with a little let's start with a little musical intro

Bramp Bramp bramp bramp bramp bramp All right you with me Moral Kombat Is that wrong? No that's a different song I want you to just come in with Moral Combat over anything right

Like Adagio is playing There is some Mortal Kombat in this story So we will use that as a secondary musical moment Have I told you all a girl I went to college with is playing a Mortal Kombat villain in the new video game? Like, she's the voice of it? Is she, uh, raiden, is she's scorpion? No, she's Frost. I don't know who that is.

Is that like Sub-Zero's sister? Yeah, it's like Lady Sub-Zero, yeah. Okay. I was at the pool yesterday and was surprised to hear. 25 years later, teens are still arguing about, no, I get to be Sub-Zero, like at a pool fight. So that was pretty cool. so remember our musical cue as a child growing up in southern Iowa we used to get taken on trips to a local petting zoo located on an old farm out in the country the quote marks oh this is from listener Corey by the way the quote marks zoo consisted mostly of some pens and cages that the owner should put up in their backyard they had some pretty typical petting zoo animals such as goats and pigs but also had more exotic fare like porcupines and a tiger The first time I visited the place, I was probably around eight years old,

and the tiger was just a little, Iowa tiger. Mortal combat was just a little cub. This being a janky backyard petting zoo with a fucking porcupine in it, they would let it run free because it was only slightly larger than a house cat and couldn't hurt anyone yet. So they put a porcupine in a petting zoo? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, to me, that's even weirder than the tiger.

but at one point scheduling northern Iowa of setting two choices it's a very it's a very cheap standardized test for second graders

it's pass or fail are you smarter than a juvenile porcupine pass or fail that's the guy like a golden retriever sees the porcupine

and immediately fails hug hug I don't want to pass you are my friend at one point the tiger cub Iowa tiger cubs

started sprinting my direction and as all my tiny brain could process was oh shit a tiger I fled in terror the cub thought this was great fun and chased me around the grounds for a bit

while the zoo owners and our chaperones just stood there and laughed after we spent a good minute running in circles around an old well one of the owners eventually stepped in

and took the cub away we kept visiting the zoo for subsequent field trips and I was always terrified that the tiger now fully grown had acquired my sentence it was going to break free

from his cage and come after me the prey that had escaped. I feel like Corey's being too hard on himself here. He was like, oh my, all my brain could process was, oh, shit a tiger. Yeah, that's exactly what your brain is supposed to be doing. That's what the fucking human brain was designed to do. This is step

two after eating food. You are way too hard on yourself in this situation. You were the only person reacting normally. Yeah, Corey, you are a totally functional human. So I'm going to step in and suggest that Corey failed because this was a test to see whether he was the Beastmaster. And he clearly flunked this test because if he had really been master of his environment, he would have stood there, made a mystical hand sign, right, with the pinky out and the thumb up, hypnotized it, and then become the tiger's friend, mentor, and companion.

So I tried to look up to find out where the Iowa Tiger Farm is. God damn it. Mortal combat! And a series of headlines that came up about a trouble, let's see, USDA revokes license of troubled Iowa roadside zoo. Is there anything better than the combination of the word troubled with petting zoo? So there's a series of stories over the course of like four years about this Iowa petting zoo that had a tiger and couldn't keep it.

This was within the past decade. So I asked Corey if this was the same place, the same petting zoo. And he says, no, that's on the other side of the state. I've tried finding it through Google but this was 25 years ago and I suspect the place has been closed down for a while I will say though

from the pictures Cricket Hollow which is the place closed down by the USDA looks very similar to the zoo that I went to except much bigger and way fancier

my place never had a sign so we got a motherfucking bootleg Iowa tiger farm where like the unregulated Iowa tigers are the USDA didn't even know about these tigers are off the grid we filed off the VIN number

how many bodies this tiger got on it nobody knows it was a big 10 tiger though so you know they just kept thinking make it bigger now you know you know what the original uh petting zoo was right hmm noah's no is our damn god damn mortal combat Fight.