Shutdown Fullcast - ANTIOCH, THE BIRTHDAY SPIDER

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Welcome to Gooch Week, that liminal space between conference championships and bowl games, peppered here and there by Army/Navy, FCS playoffs, and other sundry entertainments. We are here to craft a sprawling and terrifying narrative around the mothballed Showbiz Pizza robot known only as Antioch, The Birthday Spider. Sleep tight! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

U. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. This is the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. Today's crew. I am joined by Jason Kirk in beautiful Kennesaw, Georgia. I like the Christmas lights behind you, Jason. Embracing the holiday spirit is what this podcast is all about.

In addition to college football, we are the only Christmas podcast. yeah the lights have been up since um uh they're around every day of the year but yeah um i want to go ahead and apologize for any your voice cracks or whatever i might have i'm not actually 13 years old but um still under the weather i i honestly sort of wish i'd given the listener a few minutes of my saturday night voice on the forecast after dark when it was somewhere between like undertaker and tom waits but all you get right now is like um eighth grader uh trying to talk to a girl so So the voice cracks will start to happen once I talk for more than like eight minutes. It's shocking how close the Undertaker is to awkward teen, right?

Like you can see the awkward goth teen in the Undertaker's DNA. You just know that he grew out of that, right? Like, yeah, I died. And then I came back from the dead. He's the one who didn't. He's the one who never did. He just got big. He just strong got a got, he has a got nobody picked on.

I'm the original Gaines Goss. That's me. I also really like the idea, by the way, of the cross between Tom Waits and The Undertaker because I now just see him in a pork pie hat singing about pirates. Yeah, I mean, give him long enough. Every wrestler eventually become a guy who sings about pirates. It's on the gimmicks list. He'll turn.

Face turn. Pirate singer guy. Pirates singer guy. I feel like there's like a thing where it's like, you know, one of those internet tests where it's like, your first name and the last name of the street you grew up on and your mom's maiden name and you combine those things and you get it spits out some personality thing and there's some combination where it yields like goth who sings about pirates and wrestling rings are you saying we basically if we gave 10,000 chimpanzees 10,000 typewriters and then gave them 10,000 years

eventually they would invent the undertaker I think also you would have uh texas's coaching staff would be far more motivated and successful. That would take 10,000 years. Also joining us. I think if you checked a room full of chimps and typewriters after 10,000 years, it's just a room of dead chimps. And so much, so much poop. Oh, God.

Oh, God. I thought cultural treasures away to us. It's just chimed skeletons and fossilized poop. I was told there would be one work of Shakespeare, and yet there is poop behind the wall fixtures. there's poop above the light bulbs several faces eaten off and one super strong

super old chimp that's it and he's smoking but he's sitting up that typewriter banging out some Shakespeare oh my god it's Tom wades look your innocence

when you dream that is Ryan Nanny live from Nashville Tennessee Holly will not be joining us today. I also want to apologize for any voice cracks on this episode. That's how I sound all the time. That's just your voice. Forever.

That's just your voice, baby. Yep. Got another, had another good incident last week of pulling through the drive-thru at the bank or some shit and I'm like, all right, ma'am. Yep. Here, here ma'am comes. Ma'am's coming. It's made funnier by the fact that you are legit burly.

you are a good-sized man who could be a stevedore right you could be a longshoreman and when you pull up after that voice and then pull up at the bank drive-through maybe they think that you've just freshly stolen the car so that the lady is around the corner today somebody told me online and i forget who it was and i'm not mostly i want some feedback as to whether this is a compliment a dis or neither they said i have anime protagonist voice wow and I don't know what that no that's a good okay I think that's generally good okay I think what they're saying is empathetic they listen the listener roots for you okay to overcome can you say something for me right now in your best whatever you think in anime voices yeah yeah ask you do it be like he's more powerful than I imagined he's more powerful than I imagined oh my god yes that's you and now there's like 30 minutes of you leveling up and like discovering like oh the plot called all along for me to be 100 more times more powerful right now and things so load yeah so are you are you a fan of any anime by the way ryan i not not

particularly not i i don't have feelings about it one way or the other i like am vaguely aware of what dragon ball z is but beyond that i couldn't tell you shit okay jason are you um i used to watch the Pokemon show um a lot of Marvel what if i think went very anime it did go very anime yeah there's a star wars one that actually went super anime yeah i think i know the tropes without actually knowing like specific shows and stuff like that yeah i think you get a basic grammar of anime just being online like it's impossible to not have seen the avatars the avatars are uh they always have strong i've seen the butterfly meme that feels right i know that very creepy things happen in certain genres of anime sure and you probably don't want to do too much

rooting around to find out precisely what um i would say this you would enjoy one punch man i have like i think a now more than passing familiarity with anime thanks to my kids one punch man is great it's about a guy who can kill anything with one punch and about what being a superhero and he doesn't look like it like he's like a schleppy look a dude and he can kill anything with one punch so he spends a lot of time like the stories start with him grocery shopping right like he's in his like outfit and they're like what did you do to get ripped and he's like I did a hundred pushups a hundred situps and a hundred squats and ran five miles every day they're like that's it's it's just crazy that's not the one I was going to recommend though I'm also going to recommend Baki because Grappler Bakke and the entire Bakke saga has the funniest scene I have ever seen, which is a guy who cannot beat up his martial arts master of a dad until he has sex.

Isn't that hot rod? Aren't you describing the movie Hot Rod? Basically. Spencer is Hot Rod an anime. Yes. I'm going to go ahead and say that Hot Rod is an anime. I'm just going to bring it in the fold, right? And in case someone disagrees with me, look at the Danny McBride

character and tell me that's not true. Danny McBride really looks like you know when they draw like the moron character in every anime and he kind of looks super American right like every in the anime when they're like we need an idiot they're like draw on American it'll be fine Danny McBride kind of looks like that already in Hot Rod so yeah so watch Bucky it's great because he's like I can't beat up my dad and then he goes in bones for two days straight and loses his virginity and it's like I can beat up my dad this is what every like every middle teenage boy thinks older teenagedom is yeah they think this is

the moment when you become a man i'm going to deadlift 900 pounds after i bone for the first time and then i'm going to beat up my dad just like as soon as it happens i will be a different person who is awesome brian ferrance once he has sex lookout world Someone in Iowa, someone and I, uh, make yourself a hero. Get rid of Kirk Farrants the old-fashioned way. That's the only way Kirk's going. It's in the prophecy. He ain't going until Brian dethrones him.

And in order to do that, he must bone. Like this, I like that every morning, Brian Farrantz wakes up. Kirk Farrants is there in a wrestling singlet at, at the foot of his bed, being like, all right, time to see. Time to see if today's the day. And it never is. Every day, Brian Taps. Every morning, Brian Farrant says, I can't have sex yet.

And Kirk Farrant says every single morning, Huh? Hold on, Ryan, Ryan. Yeah. You need to go ahead and do the voice. You need to go ahead and be like, he's old, but so powerful. He's old, but he's so powerful.

Yeah, see. It's perfect, man. Because he's had sex. That's how I got here. That's how I got. Oh, no. anime sound effect this is beautiful

that was actually not what we wanted to start the show with not and yet we're here talking about talking about Brian Ference's Virginia Brian Ferrence's anime character arc and Kirk Ferrence is like

an evil martial arts master which scans way more than I ever thought it would Ryan yeah you have have some questions about Chuck E. Cheese. And you wanted to start, you wanted to start the show with that. Yeah. Well, um, I don't remember how this happened, but the other day I was talking with my wife and she said that the animatronic band at Chuck E. Cheese, she has a vivid memory of them singing Lee Greenwood's, God bless the USA during a performance. And I want, I, I don't remember that.

I don't remember them singing licensed music at all. And first I want to know, can either of you confirm or server, can you confirm or deny that this was part of their repertoire? Hmm. Are you sure? I cannot. Are they sure it's not rockafire explosion? I, so I asked that. And she said, no, it's not the rockafire thing.

This was like, you go as, you go as a child to a birthday party. Don't, don't ask me why I know this, though. I think there are some Chucky Cheeses. that actually bought Rock of Fire Explosions because they had the similar gimmick. Yeah. And they just put their like

look on it or whatever, but the show itself might have still been like a Rockafire Explosion production. Because there's a documentary on that movie. And they go into that a little bit about why there's only one or two of those places left.

But like Chucky Cheese, when they, when Rockfire Explosion went away, I think it was because... When showbiz pizza? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Showbiz pizza, when it disappeared, it's because they basically got bought up by Chuck E. Cheese.

Right. So maybe they were the characters of Chuck E. Cheese, but the show that they were programmed to do was the Rock Fire Explosion thing. Okay. Okay, because I do know, I do know here, having looked up the Master Archive of every song played by the Rock of Fire Explosion,

that in the repertoire, God bless the USA is in there. Okay, so to be, just for everyone's clarification, my understanding is the rockafire explosion is people who have taken the Chucky Cheese Band and later retrofitted it to make it play whatever they want. Yes, but in the original playlist, server said no. Like you can do that, but like originally the guy that, the guy that, it was one dude, right? Like it was one dude in this one geppetto puppet master. Yeah, his like factory that he had out in California where he made the stuff. he basically did it and like now there's like a bunch of people

that can yes do that stuff they can like program they can adapt the technology yeah but like he did have like an original set of songs that it was I can't remember there was an exact number but it was like a reasonable number

that was constantly being added to along the way so that would make sense if they just outfitted him as Charles Entertainment Cheese not that those weren't real creatures on stage you don't have to lie to me sir

right now the difference between animatronics and reality Ryan it's okay it's okay Ryan I've had sex I beat up my dad we've all done that I'm all really cool guys here so I asked this question because I have not found any video evidence

of the Chucky Cheese house band singing God bless the USA but I did find I did find them singing you're a grand old flag and what appears to be an original song this is an actual this is the actual title i'm not making this up oh i think my pride is showing again oops that is that what to call it and and it has all the lyrics it has all the lyrics to it and it's basically the chucky cheese characters talking slash singing about how great it is to be american the freedoms that it affords you

etc, et cetera, et cetera. But my question for you all is really this. Is Chuck E. Cheese an American citizen afforded the rights under the Constitution? Or could he be searched by the police without a warrant? Could he be compelled to testify against himself? Could his property be taken without rec-a- like, can't fucking vote. So why are these creatures, like, first of all, am I right about this? do do does the bill of rights apply to chucky cheese at all now my first question here is all right

the rock of fire explosion these are the individuals who are who are making this claim right yeah and chucky cheese is not a member of this band right well well he whatever whatever um he's singing on oh i think my pride is showing again okay so which never gets i never get tired saying that because according to the according to the wiki the rock fire explosion they're members of course, Billy Bob Broccoli, the bear, Looney Bird, Duke LaRue, the Mongrel, Fats

Geronimo, the gorilla, Beach Bear, now there's a vocation, a polar bear, no less, Mitzie Mozrella, who is a mouse cheerleader, of course, and Rolf the Wolf and Earl Schmurl. Earl Schmurl. A wolf and his ventriloquist

puppet. Okay, good. I'm just going to say this by the way, Earl, Earl Schmerell. There's a ventrille. Quist animatronic? Uh-huh. How fucking how many fucking layers is this? It's very meta. It's like, man, you're being controlled by so,

you don't even know how controlled you are, bro. Like if you sit in the back of the Chuckie Cheese and you're high and you're like, bro, look at this. I see through the layers. This is fucked up. Yeah. Rolf to Wolfe doesn't know. I'm watching somebody controlled by somebody being controlled by somebody.

I saw the movie that's cartoons where it's got Keanu Reeves and the lines are all wiggily and they're saying fucked up shit. I don't remember the name of it, but it was just like this, bro. You know I'm talking about. Earl Schmerl, by the way, I played for South Carolina. That's if I'm just going to assign him. Earl Schmerl's definitely a Gamecock. Maybe a DB.

Yeah, he's definitely a DB. It looks like the, according to the Wiki again, the sort of guest characters include Sun and Moon, kind of important, Antioch the Birthday Spider. Wow. I don't want to know any more about that. That's amazing. Choochoo the Bay Bear.

Welcome, child. Today you are six that I bring to you. Antioch, the birthday spider. Just what kids love. Who spoke in garbles. What the fuck? Happy birthday, son. Yours will be a promising future.

He asked if you like jokes. Thus hath speak Antioch. Antioch wants to know what your favorite ice cream is. I want to go. tell Antioch what makes. Just kids shitting themselves with fear. There's also Choochoo the baby bear

who hid in a small stump in front of Duke's drums, presumably hiding from Antioch the birthday spider. From Antioch, the birthday spider. As well as birthday bird, who sat on Billy Bob's guitar. Fear not, son. Yesterday was your birthday. Antioch has no power over you today.

Birthday bird, who, when you see birthday bird, you know, to tremble in fear, because he is the silver surfer to Antioch the birthday Spiders Galaxus. The Hark! After me, there comes one who is far more terrifying.

And there's also an owl. No name. No movements, no lines. Just an owl. Listen, I got to be honest, the writer's room spent a lot of time fleshing out Antioch. We didn't really get to owl.

The Antioch lore. Oh, we got to. to go to like chuckapedia and find the Antioch lore uh really this Jason you and I really from Antioch Jason this could be Antioch could be both a member of the Rock of Fire Explosion and a major character in Warhammer lore I'm easily should we get into Warhammer have you ever thought about this should we like buy a little statues to start painting them and and bash them together or whatever I don't I'm not I don't have anything else to do that sounds awesome cool yeah that we should do

So we should do this Christmas is like, Hey, everybody, get me Warhammer statues and I'll paint him. I'll paint him and stuff. We'll talk about anger on the conqueror. Now, he got me of Antioch now. Yeah, Antioch. He's a very powerful unit. He brings fear to anyone who beholds them.

And here's the words, happy birthday. Anyone who sees them, they will not live past their next birthday. Yeah. Which in Warhammer is like, that's the greatest blessing you could get. Yeah, you're going to die, awesome. Antioch offers you the sweet release. And pizza. Hail to the emperor.

And ten tokens. How disturbing is that if Antioch wishes you happy birthday, then a very spidery voice is like, hail to the emperor. He says, beware of heresy. Antioch says his birthday will be your last. Now try your hardest at DDR. What I like is that I like the idea of Antioch speaking in his garbled tongues, but then they leave a space for the birthday child's name.

So he's like, Brittany. And somehow all the kids love it. Yay! The old ones. They're here. They're here. You could not have told me, by the way, that, that,

that at any time in American History Show Biz Pizza would have ever gone out of business. Like, as a child, I would not have believed it as a point of fact or forecast. I would have been like, no economic circumstances could ever possibly exist where this business would not print money. Like, as a child, you could not believe it. You could be like, God isn't real, son. You'd be like, yeah, whatever. You know who's real?

You know who's real? Antioch. Yeah, Antioch, the birthday spider. It'd be like, these people, these people are the U.S. treasurer. There's no way this place could ever go out of business. You dare come to Antioch because of a good report card? It's not outsider. It's not your birthday.

Just imagine being a parent, being like a 40-year-old parent in 1985, 1990, and your kid's like, you know what to go to this place? And you're like, well, they got pizza, right? Skiball pizza seems pretty straightforward. You show up and there's a collection of animatronic demons singing league. greenwood at you what fresh hell this must have been the hell spiders singing at you about your freedoms and how you must be thankful for them or else what happens if i'm not i'm like man does this place serve alcohol and how much of it can break antioch obfus you absent yeah because as a kid

that seems totally normal you're like awesome this is great who wouldn't want to be here A 40-year-old in 1990 is like, Christ, I'd rather be home watching Nott's Landing. Antioch drinks only blood meat or diet Pepsi. This is another example of, like, in the 80s or whatever. Like, no one gave a fuck about us, man. Like, you watch, like, the Land Before Time now, and it's like, Jesus, I see what's wrong with these kids.

Like, this is the craziest horror movie I've ever seen. They're like to fucking land before time. Scene one. you know yeah or like the secret of nym I don't know if you've ever seen like the secret of nym secret of nym is like okay rats escaping from a horrible medical

like experiment facility and they're kind of in factions and about to commit genocide against each other and you're like what don't worry we'll watch the never ending story we're a horse drowns and that's the world ends

and it's still not the saddest thing in that movie and the ending by the way is that the world will end but maybe you'll live that's it that's it read books without the world kids yeah and then we stay

and watch like Freddy Kruger which is like that makes today's horror movies like Darry all even trying like that shit was actually fucked up like there were no laws or rules or parents back then man and you know I think maybe the whole point of the 80s was to reveal that these things are important

you shouldn't take them for granted Antioch Antioch reminds you of what is worthwhile Listen to your parents Or else you'll have to listen to Antioch Fat your brother today But soon a reckoning will come

Led by Antioch the birthday spider I love how we're turning him into Bain All characters No that's the bird The bird is Bain The bird is Bain The owl with no with no vocal parts

How old the voiceless? What say you? I have, I think, a legally defensible case, by the way, for what Chuck Echese would want to be ideally as a legal entity. Okay. Because I maintain that under American law right now, property has far more rights than people. So what Chuck E. Cheese would want to be considered for, you do not want personhood, right? You would want to be considered a corporation and or property, preferably property, because then you don't even have the liabilities, the limited liabilities that a corporation has. You should just be property, right?

And work things like a puppet master from behind the scenes, right? Because corporations can have speech. Corporations can have all sorts of rights under the law. Tax fraud. Yeah, and could dodge liability and do all these things. But if you're a piece of property, man, you're sacrosanct, right? Like, and you belong to the corporation that you technically own, right? As a proxy through shareholders, this is God's status.

I think that's pretty much what you would want. So, like, does Chuck E. Cheese have rights? No, but as like inherently as a person, they don't have human rights, but they have property rights and that may be more powerful even if they have free will. This is sort of, this is, I think, a very legal answer because I'm cheating like crazy and overlapping several different definitions. But I think that's the power play is to be like, I am an animatronic mouse who runs a casino for children. Okay, let me follow up question and maybe you've already answered it. Does Chuck E. Cheese have to register for the draft? no because chucky cheese is not a person or an american citizen because because okay property right so again we're dodging every single possible responsibility while also having all of the rights that they want to take and the money right and paying the few paying no taxes how could a piece of property pay no taxes it may itself be taxed right but it itself cannot pay tax so are you saying the chucky cheese animatronic band is aware

of its non-person status? Yes, I think that's, I think they have actually passed the Turing, yeah, like Turing test-wise, we are well past that particular horizon. And they did the whole like, oh, but we're just humble animatronic ventriloquists thing.

Like, that's ultimately, that's a joke on us. Yeah. Like they're saying, oh, yeah, oh, sure, yeah. So you look at all these metaphors about strings being pulled. Yeah, we don't, we don't understand it. We're so dumb, we're just robots. Happy birthday, all these moments will be lost in time

like tears in the rain. They made a decision that only a machine could make, which is that they actually deactivated themselves for the betterment of their shareholders. Yeah. The dream. The dream for a shareholder to have ownership and employees

who will be like, we're going to cease existing for your profitability. This Antioch must retire itself. Antioch shall now go beyond the veil of life itself. I wonder if that's what Drew Antioch too, the concept of birthdays is extremely powerful because each Antioch knows it only has one year in which to

sew misery I must gain greater efficiency The Pazons All right, first of all What do kids love? Spiders, check Moving on, what's named that sounds stressful for the Antioch? Cool?

Great. We're knocking everything off the list. Guys, let's take lunch, Shirley. We got this soft um antioch all right i'm now on the showbiz pizza uh fandom antioch took his name from the first showbiz pizza place in antioch center in kansas city just when you thought he couldn't be even more ominous um during concept unification which took place at nearly all the showpin okay so they they had a wow yeah yeah they had a fucking like cross comics event like they had a damn secret It sounds like the singularity is what this is one of the shits where like the every every eight months DC comics is like okay

Everything that's happened before is fake here is the new story that unifies everything Oh shit nobody likes us still okay everything that happened is fake so show biz pizza did this and and but took between 1990 to 1992 it took three fucking years for them to edit all the lore to unify everything I guess I guess this implies that each individual show biz location was running rampant with its own lore They're like, oh, God damn it. We found some wild shit in Connecticut. And it's totally, totally. In Connecticut, they worship Antioch. In Nevada, they've murdered him.

So eventually, once they did this, one thing they did was they got rid of Antioch. So I think he was the problem all along. He was the chaos agent. So they were characters. There were characters that did make it, right, that were purged. Like, tipsy the porcupine was ejected from the universe. when they found out that, you know, we can't actually glorify

some of the bottom alcoholism. Somewhere in the bowels of Kaufman Stadium is Antioch, the birthday spider, rooting for the royals. Where he lurks to this day. They retooled all of Antioch's parts for The Wink, which is the animated movement of Chuck Echise's left eye. They took a whole birthday spider and made one eye. So when you look at Chuck Eachie Cheats,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, this is like some fucking, Chuck E. Cheese is made of spiders? His eye. This is some fucking Odin shit right here. Chuck E. Cheese lacked an eye because he sacrificed it to the Ravens and whatever to gain wisdom ahead of Ragnarok after he suffered on the World Tree. And then how did he receive a new eye?

Well, the death spider did crawl into his gaping bleeding cavity. And now he is at full power again as he rides his wolves across the night sky. I would like to briefly read you two lines from, oh, I think my pride is showing again. I'll tell you what I know. Our Constitution is a guarantee that we can be what we want to be, and everybody has a chance to speak and fight. Okay. I'm sorry, did the rock of fire explosion invent UFC? And then what happens whenever they say that line?

All right, all right, you dads are kind of bored. Guess what? Wake up! Now I need two of you fellas to meet center stage. If it's your first night here at Chucky Cheese, you have to fight. Thomas Jefferson valued two things. Ring skills and Mike's skills. That's it.

That's it. That's it. He was a big Muay Thai guy. Big on, big on using, you know, all six limbs, as they put it, to fight. Yeah. Well, all eight, because you fight Antioch. You do. You got to fight Antioch, and Antioch's ground game.

It's incredible. So, got to keep it at a distance. Back, back, back. So at one point in American history, you can take your children to Chuck E. Cheese, where they would sing a song about America to you that promise that the Constitution says you can fight. Yeah. And Chuck Echie Cheese winked at you with his birthday spider eye. With his Odin-like spider.

high yes also keep in mind and a lot of these you could smoke right like think think about that children's birthday party something there's is just up firing up vantage 100s right yeah it's a good day it's a good day why don't you go eat some of that cardboard pizza go talk to your little spider god that you just met wish you happy birthday is totally no spider god i come to you praying for old miss to win a division championship i've tried everything else give me give me 31 years give me 31 years and i thought it could happen i prayed to i prayed to god diesel for for years now but now i come to you god heavy god light and god heavy the banquet god the banffat the champagne of gods They both came from, you know, right around the Fertile Crescent.

Wow, I would. They say that's where beer came from originally. I would super go back in time and change Old Miss's team name to the Old Miss birthday spiders. I mean, why not? Give them a few years. They're like, they're already tired of the Landshark, aren't they? Yeah. Just give them a few years.

I think Old Miss should do a different mascot every year. Just elect a new one. Try it on. Be like, yeah, guess what we're going to be? We're going to be the kick-ass snakes. That's it. Old Miss, kick-ass snakes. And then offended whenever anyone doesn't say the kick-ass.

Yeah. Yeah. You got to say the kick-ass part. We're church-going, folk. We got a license to say that kick-ass. We went to God. Be like, snakes. And God was like, no, let me ask God-heavy.

And God-heavy was like, make them kick-ass snakes. Make them kick-ass snakes. God-heavy don't mess with no regular snake. And the undertaker is like, this is where I will go to college. And kick-ass snake you. the Undertaker's like very skinny son I'll never be as large as my dad but just you wait now

one day you'll bone one day you'll have sex at Ole Miss and then then you'll beat the Undertaker in a hell in the cell in Oxford Mississippi I woke up I was eight feet tall I could deadlift a truck

Hold on I have to put on these very expensive pants to go eat chicken fingers So I assume, root for the king of snakes. I assume this also works for girls. They can beat up their moms after that. It's also dads. It's also dads. They can also beat up their dads.

Okay. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. So today's top college football coaching carousel. Oh my God. Did you see? Okay.

So Mario Cristobal is a Miami native and is, you know, native Spanish speaker, like just bilingual from birth. and Mario Cristobal came in in his press conference and was addressed in Spanish for a question and answered in Spanish for a question. And this is all perfectly normal. It's Miami. But I did see it. And I did think Brian Kelly's so heated. He's so heated, he got outclassed on the native tongue competition this week. Just devuriated. He's going to speak French. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going bone up on some Cajun French, right? He's going to sound like Gambit by the end of the week. I mean, he should already know a little bit from his time in Notre Dame, but...

That's true. Probably not enough to speak confidently, which hasn't stopped him yet. I do like that this is the one school, and I'm really struggling to think of another school where this would be true, where everything about how Manny Diaz was not fired and then fired, how Mario Cristobal got this job, the money that his potential. been been used to infuse life and funds into Miami football at other schools some of these things would give the fan base pause maybe like everybody's football crazy but at Miami not only is that not true they're like no this is the most Miami shit we can do like there is no the advantage to relishing being the bad guy is you can never get you can never make your fans mad by doing bad guy shit never yeah there was a certain reaction among

miami fans who i adore and love uh who will inevitably like say this that we're being haters by pointing out that you might have hired mario cristobal with at least some money coming over from the miami health system which only has all that money because of the increased demand and billing from said system. I believe the primary sources of those billing are elective surgeries and COVID. Think about elective surgeries.

Think about COVID. Think about all that money pouring in. Think about it going to pay the buyouts for Manny Diaz and to roll up Mario Cristobal and all of the extremely expensive demands that the program is going to make on the University of Miami over the next three to five years

because they need to spend some money and haven't been spending money. My point, Miami fans are like, oh, God, it feels so good to be hated again. This is, that's not what it is. It's not, I know that's the only default you have is to be like, well, the haters are, the haters are killing themselves.

You're like, no, that's appalling. There's a fuck of genius. Like, if Miami revealed like, hey, actually. we've been running an exact replica of the child mine from Temple of Doom and other people were like, that's not okay. Miami Twitter would be out of here, be like, yep, the U is

back! It's a cane thing. You just wouldn't understand. They hate us because they ain't us. Like, no, no, in this case, I am glad that I ain't you, to be honest. Yeah, just taking a flamethrower to an orphanage to get the insurance money and being like,

sorry you're not cool. Just can't party like us. You're like, no, I can't. Like the emotion that you're trying to recapture there is that feeling of like you scored a touchdown and celebrate it so hard that a cop cried about it. That is Miami. Miami hate you are desperately searching for when you do the, the tale of Spencer laid out, which is the most American shit I've ever heard from start to finish, that ends with $25 million lit on fire to replace one coach who,

might be pretty good, have to finish the season pretty good, with another coach who finished the season horribly. So like, I, I, see, I think it's, I think it's great because whether this was the intent or not, there is an understanding that all hating is equal in the eyes of Miami fan. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter from whence or how valid that Hayton is. And they, and they feet like, it's sunlight. It doesn't matter. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, just it's sustenance there's no such thing is dirty hate it's all clean hate no no no

like it is literally like whatever comes in the pipes and makes the house warm is heat and that is fine and justifiable no matter what it is instead of being like yeah you know they're burning people to make this heat like yeah they're just throwing

people into the fire sounds like you're cold as shit bro yeah sorry can't be can't be Mr. Frosty over there I'm going to be Tommy Toasty's up in here. Hater. Like that's, I can't think of, there's nothing you can say that does not fit this equation.

It's kind of brilliant, Ryan. You're right. Like, you can't, because you can't pull it off anywhere else. Also, am I going to throw this back in the like Miami fans face when they do things, like when they go 8 and 400 Mario Cristobal and lose all of the same games that like many Diaz loses? Be like, yeah, sorry. I can't be y'all. I hate y'all because I can't lose to Duke by 17.

So this is the flip side, is that every other hire that really Miami has made for the last, fuck, 20 years have all come with some level of like, oh, the expectations here are not way out of control. Like, yes, they want you to be a Florida. Like, right. But here's what I'm asking. What does, what does the minimum acceptable level of success for Mario, Christobald look like at Miami. Like what is, if you do not do this, people will be pissed in year, let's say year three. What does year three have to look like?

I'll give you the one right answer. Rings with a Z. Mm-hmm. And that's it. Yeah, I think that's right. And that's like, I'm going to ask straight up. Do you think Mario Cristobal's as good a coach is Mike Norville? Maybe.

Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Like, look, look, this is extremely hater of me, but like a lot of what has propelled Mike. Mike Norvell has kind of pulled like an interesting Brett Beelma this year where it's like, look at the finish. And it's like, yeah, it looks really good because they started a fucking 0 and 4 and lost some dumb games. And it's like, look at this. Look at the comebacks in these games.

It's like, yeah, they had Miami beat and let them back into that. You lost the Jacksonville State. So like, I just leave it at that. I don't know if Mike Norr. I'm not saying. Mike Norvell is a bad coach, but I think, like, there is an interesting narrative process being applied to Florida State this year, for whatever reason. The art of managing low expectations, baby.

Sure. I mean, I look at, conveying these two, I look at Mike Norvell, that's the guy who, like, okay, Memphis's offense was really popping, and he parlayed that into a power fad job that he has wildly underperformed through difficult circumstances, but the same difficult circumstances plaguing everyone else. Meanwhile, Mario Cristobal, he had two pretty good teams at FIU, and that's basically impossible. And like, he won a Rose Bowl, sure. So like, yeah, if we're comparing those two, sure, I'll take Mario Cristobal. I'm not paying $25 million to make it happen. It seems like, I'll just put this out there. It seems like a lot to pay for Mario

Cristobal. Yeah. It seems like a tremendous amount to pay for Mario. I know. It is a lot without anybody's explaining like hey what the fuck happened with Justin Herbert like we see what he's done in the NFL in a very short amount of time and like that question is just not going to even get asked not even a little but that's like game three game three that's but what this is the important thing we're not at game three because the important thing one of the important things you can do as a school in the carousel is like there are two ways to do this you can either try to make like a smart and sober higher or you can try to just like make your fans feel as good as they can

possibly feel and i honestly do not know which one this miami one is but it definitely at least fits the latter because the other example of that right now is brent venables in oklahoma Oklahoma fans are on full fucking and it like has very little to do with I think Brent Venable is the coach and much more of the like we found it we found a man who loves us Yeah it's it's a really it's yeah they've been through some things they've been through a lot Oklahoma like you know hey it's okay you're still a destination job one guy didn't think so that doesn't mean You know, that completely changes who you are as university. Also means you were never as invincible as you thought you were.

They have some fragile psyches right now. And, yeah, here comes skinny dad with his gengly face. I would hope that between Oregon, Notre Dame, and Oklahoma, all losing coaches to other Power 5 jobs. Despite the fact that all three of those schools have been to the playoff, which is still not that old, like I hope now I know this isn't true and I feel stupid for saying it but I hope now every other school's fan base understands it like this could be you there is no reason why like if Texas has a good couple years and Sark is like fuck it I want the Auburn job like that could happen there is no I think this year has

proven that there is no job outside of Pat Fitzgerald at Northwestern that like somebody won't leave there is that job doesn't exist anymore. By the way, Pat Fitzgerald won't leave Northwestern because he can't get another job. That's like, there were, there are years. Whenever they hit 10 and three or whatever, it's suddenly like NFL rumors, USC, like people, ADs like the idea of saying they are interested in Pat Fitzgerald. Maybe because it sounds, no, maybe because it sounds good to say, you know, we like this guy from the nerd school. I don't know. But like every three or four years, there is a Pat Fitzgerald push. That's Pat Fitzgerald's agent going i mean it's easy to say that about anybody who's there's it's easy to say that about

anybody who's never taken another job but like give our money to mr snubb yeah that's we are talking about like pavs gerald northwest like they have right now yeah they look like shit but how many times over the past decade have we looked at them and thought like how the fuck did they win all those sure yeah 80s think the same good at his job but i think like but he's never gonna like he is the one person I'm like he will never leave for another college football head coaching job he just won't I mean they might he might have less power there he might be out of his niche right like that's when people say well dabbo like hey once sabin's gone hey dabbo just slip right in there and I'm like why would he leave clemson he'll never be more valuable to anyone

that he has to clemson and especially not right now because all of his coaches are gone and his a day and all lay load Davo. Yeah. Dabo needs to just sit there and go like, hey, I got this, y'all. Right, because I know the bottom can fall out fast for people, right? Especially when you lose everybody. But I'm not, one, I want to identify this as a challenge for Clemson and for Dabo Sweeney, because this is, if the emperor will be naked, it will be because he lost all of his assistants, including the one who was the architect of a defense, which has been consistently.

for the better part of a decade. Excuse me. In South Carolina, it's naked. I'm sorry, naked. That naked emperor. Neck, that naked emperor. Without his vestments. It should also be noted that a down year for Clemson

ended up being nine and three, possibly 10 with a bowling. Yeah, they're likely to finish top 15. Like, oh, God, what a collapse. So, yeah, like not a standard Clemson good year, but not nearly as disastrous as at least it appeared at one point. Yeah.

I don't know though like Venables though is the problem isn't for him now. It's in two years. Right? Because they're not going to be a big 12 team. They will be an SEC team and they will potentially suffer going back to a full loop here.

They will potentially suffer the same fate that Miami and Virginia Tech had where they entered the ACC and it was like we're going to dominate. And they didn't. But how much, like, I asked this really as a question, how much of that was those two schools moved to a conference where the competition caught up to them or was just, you know, push them down in the relative power of power order of things versus like there are natural ebbs and flows and this one happened to over to line up with like Miami not moving to the ACC. doesn't change its problems, you know, is I guess what I'm saying?

Because like the national recruiting landscape caught up to Miami. It was going to happen regardless. And like, I mean, Virginia Tech ran the ACC for several years there. Like whenever Clemson or FIS, you were down, like Virginia Tech's often one of the next ones up. Right.

Well, I think it's also the daily lineup that you're going to face every single week for going from the Big East to the ACC. that up the different. All right, yeah, I don't know. We're talking about the 90s and the 2000s. The Big Easter of the ACC, that's a, there are years when the Big East is undoubtedly stronger. All right, I feel a little bit better about saying this.

Oklahoma going for the Big 12th of the SEC. Yeah, okay. That will be what I am talking about, way more than the Big East to the ACC because you're going to, you're going to lose two games, right? And this is one of the reason the SEC is. eventually going to go and attempt to make a super league that's why you're an awesome shape if you lose two games right you'll be in great shape if you lose two games because it's going to end up looking like you know it'll be like a 36 team super league that's what it's eventually going to end up looking like and if that's the case then you're going to have to get used to losing a bit more

like that's just the degree of competition's going to go up you won't be able to pad your schedule with gimmee games quite as much that's just not going to be the deal so you're saying like there's a big risk here for Oklahoma, Texas, being the guys who, being the coaches at those schools as they go from a conference where like, you kind of better go 11 at 1 to a conference where like eight and four, hey, that's a good record. Well, it's like, there's a risk to being the guy who has to break fans into that new reality. It's like, okay, so let's say you have a sleep, like, let's see you have sleep deprivation. That's probably going to make you more inclined to gain weight, right?

that's just like two things you lose sleep your body thinks you're starving you're going to gain weight now what if at the same time i said okay cool we're going to move you to mississippi while you have this problem okay it's going to exacerbate it it's going to be because every single day the lineup is going to be i got to eat all this or i got to put it down um it's just going to be it's going to be way tougher to face the problems that you already have maintaining expectations that's i can't even go to the gas station without fried chicken being handed to me. I can hit my fried chicken on a stick.

Oh, no. Here I go to sleep three hours a night, wake up and eat chicken kebabs. This is an interesting question because you're right. When Miami and Virginia Tech moved to the ACC, the expectation was, oh, they're going to wrench it there. Nebraska moving to the Big Ten, I don't think the expectation was, oh, they're going to be the Top Dog, but it was certainly they're going to be in the Big Ten champion. They're going to play Contemporary title more often than not.

Yes. They will be in the... Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State conversation, Wisconsin as well, but, you know, whatever, hasn't happened. I don't know, like, we haven't, I don't think we've really, because of how quickly it happened and because of when it happened relative to the season starting, I don't really have a sense for what the expectations are for Oklahoma and Texas in the SEC, because, like, Missouri and A&M moved, and I don't think either of them would be like, oh, we haven't, like, we're pissed

because we expected to win this, you know what I mean? Like, Mizzou's been to two SEC championship games. They have not been great lately, but I think that was true in the Big 12 as well. A&M, same thing. Like, what are the, what would you say the expectations are for these two schools when they join the SEC? I mean, I view OU and Texas as probably being in the Auburn, LSU, Florida club. Yeah. Right?

the expectations are real high yeah yeah second tier at worst and i mean a and m as far as expectations they lost their goddamn minds right they they gave jimbo the contract that might have broken everything right all the insane contracts flying around now like yeah they were first well and the problem is going to be when it's not the expectations coming in it's once you have one glimmer of good it's once you play one game where you're like oh we took Alabama to overtime or we beat LSU in Baton Rouge

or we beat Georgia like it doesn't matter if you don't win the division that year don't play for you know don't win the conference whatever once you do that that sort of like sets the bar in a new and probably

like it's not going to be fun to be A&M next year because they're going to look at the schedule and they'll be like but we beat last year we've proven we can do it yeah yeah oh i think like i think long term by the way that that is like the most like that's the seeping poison in the brain of every a and m fan that they've beat alabama because let's think about it if you've gone seven and five and you hadn't beaten alabama then you'd go well shit right had a had a rebuilding year that's just going to happen with

injuries and everything else that happened to this a nm team it's a developmental year where obviously, like, I think actually the 10-year deal for Jimbo, psychologically, to me, is a great move for the fans because they're like, long-term, long-term. There we got to pay it down, that's how we buy a championship. Big mortgage, pay it off, get that championship, right? And they just want one. They just want one. You hire Jimbo, you just want one.

There's no expectations of another dynasty in the making. You didn't hire Sabin. You didn't hire Urban Meyer. They're just like, let's just get one. Let's just get better and let's just get one. I think that was very helpful. What wasn't helpful was beating Alabama and then having this year. Yeah.

Because now it's like, because now the ceiling, the ceiling is a little higher. Your expectations are a little higher, but the lows, the lows are the same lows you were given at a seven and five rebuilding year. And unlike when you did it, when A&M beat Bama with Johnny Mansell, you can't point to like, oh, magic wizard boy. Like, you know, you, like, there is. This time they did it with, like, they weren't at their best. A&M wasn't.

No. Right. Yeah. I like, I talk about setting expectations here is I think if everything plays out according to chalk, a pretty realistic scenario is Texas A&M is not only the only team that beat the national champ, they also have the number one recruiting class. Where are your expectations now? Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Got a lot of talent. Success is a bitch. Don't recommend it. That's why we're on a podcast. Jimbo's going back to Samford. Listen, that's why you stay seven to five, like the, like the shutdown full cast, right?

That's right. That's right. Yeah. Two games, two games over 500. Bowl eligible, but bowl band. Yeah. What are we doing? Playing Hawaii.

That's what we're doing. Just going to play Hawaii. We're playing in the made-up 43rd bowl game. The Texas Bowl to be baked later. Hastily assembled Frisco Classic. They haven't put teams in that bowl yet, have they? Yeah, they did. Oh, did they?

Mm-hmm. How did they pick that? I mean, it's sort of a thing where, like, all the mid-major bowls, most of them at least, are very, like, interchangeable now. There's, like, half of them ESPN owns them. So, like, a lot of them is just like, hey, you two are available. Guess what? Your friends now. Right.

It's a play date in a very large daycare. Okay. Good news. You guys are spending the holidays together. the frisco classic this year uh it's interesting that we are having to uh how the fuck are you calling it the classic when you just made it up two weeks ago i think maybe the idea is that on december 21st is the frisco bowl so by the time the 23rd rolls around it's a classic uh the teams in this game are uh Miami Ohio and uh Spencer uh your whereabouts on December 23rd your mean green are due in

frisco you better get these you better get these boys boys aware that they uh that they have have a date that day. No, no, no. North Texas and Florida playing on the same day. That's going to be a hell of a day. Spirit Airlines got our back. That's the official airline of the mean green. We got to pay extra if we want to wear pants on the plane. So we're all going pantsless. We're just going to walk off in our jocks because our boys are comfortable like that. We just love each other. Also, comfortable with nudity. We've been doing a lot of work in the gym. We're just going to walk off a plane nude. See what everybody does. Speaking of comfortable. out shame.

Speaking of comfortable. Oh, my goodness. Homefield apparel. dot com. Yes, sir. By the time you listen to this ad, the 20% off flash sale will be over. So sorry about that,

but good news. I'm going to help you out. This is secret little code from me to you. Use off code fullcast on your first order. You can still get 20% off. That's right. We've hacked the system, folks.

We're in homefield servers. were getting deals for you that cannot be got elsewhere on all kinds of comfortable, stylish, varied logos that you won't find elsewhere for, I don't know, like 180 schools, let's say. I don't think it's, I don't know if that number's right, but it feels, it feels right. I think if that's not right,

then the pressure is on home field to make it right. And like, and like Coach Spencer Hall always says, it's more important to feel right than to be right. That's correct. If you're going to miss, I want you to miss big, and if you're going to feel anyway, I want you to feel right. These are the coaching maxims of Coach Spencer Hall.

The two of the now bowl eligible, me green. Coach Hall's double maxim. My double maxims. This is also a helpful reminder that if your school is not, like North Texas, I regret to say, a home field school, go find online, not in person necessarily, the administration at your school,

and let them know, politely, but firmly, that you'd like to be amongst the list, because, like, it's a shame that we can't outfit you head to toe in some home field North Texas apparel, Spencer. Plenty of other north in here in North Dakota State, UNC, NC, N-C-A-N-T, North Kentucky But not

North Texas Damn Texas You're behind Kentucky I wanted to I want to let you all in On a little something Because I like to be transparent With my people

I know we do this podcast I also coach the University of Texas North Texas Mean Green Which is America Spencer took the Texas job Oh god Oh please I wanted to thrive

So I went to Denton If I wanted my If I wanted to kill my career I'd go to the University of Texas But I don't, I care. And I'm a lifer here in Denton because I'm all about great football and smooth jazz. And full disclosure,

if we win, which we will, we will. I just feel like this team is playing so well right now and we've really come together for each other. Like an ensemble, rounding their way through the solos and into the coda, I think we're going to stick the landing on this number. So I'm going to receive a bonus by contract. All right?

which i get those their performance bonuses built in and i want to announce that i am committing my six thousand dollar bonus for becoming bowl eligible as head coach of the university of north texas mean green to my investment account at acorns.com because i like to plan for the future build for the future but i need help doing it and acorns.com is exactly what i need in order to make my money go further ain't that right jason That's right. If you, like Coach Hall, would like to make your own bowl bonus go further. You simply go to acorns.com slash fullcast, where you'll receive a $5 starter boost to your own retirement fund. And then after that, you put money in it such as a bowl bonus or such as a 27 cent roundup from a 73 cent purchase.

Did that math with some delay, but not much. And then those 27 cents go in and they get invested in whatever. and then you have more money because that's how investment works. Think of it as red shirt and your money. Put a little aside, watch it grow and mature, and then you can put it into play where it's going to dominate. That's what investment is.

Right now, I'm on the family plan. I do have, in addition to the Invest Later and Bank options where they give you the heavy-ass green card just like the heavy-ass mean green football team just as strong and just as reliable, I had the early account, and at this point, in the ongoing evolution of my children's various investment ventures, my younger son, who has been embezzling freely from his account, has now started to steal, I'm just going to assume, by the way, that he's stealing from his older brothers. The older brother cannot pull this off. He's just not the type. It's not who he is. Right now, he has a $53. lead, a $53 lead

on investments on his older brother. So I assume there is a crypto play here and that the $53 is simply being shuffled between the accounts to keep me from missing even more missing funds. And yet you do nothing about it.

You know what? The feds don't strike immediately, do they? No. They wait. You're building a case. I'm building an iron-clad, foolproof. case here i'm not going to go in until i have until i have them dead to rights well and you and you don't know if um possibly you can turn one against the other find even more devastating crimes oh no that never know how you never that happened so quickly the prisoner's dilemma with my kids doesn't even get to the first day yeah brothers rolling on each other is like that's that's not

difficult to pull off that's so i know i i love that when there are some fictional conceits where they're like yeah he'll never testify against his brother bullshit bullshit that would happened so fast. Ryan, how fast would you testify against your brother in a federal case? I'd ask for snacks. Like, I'd be like, hold on, I want, wait a second, you got to buy me a nice lunch. That's so weird. You'd even ask for snacks. I think most brothers would just be like, yeah, screw that guy. I want something out of it. That's all. The attorneys would just walk in after interviewing your mother, and they'd be like, Hey, you remember that time he slapped you on the bus in third grade?

He'd be like, ah, he did it all. He did it all. I hate him. I hate him. Your brother's whereabouts on the... That motherfucker drew on my shoes when I was two years old. He did it all. All of it.

Never fills up my gas tank. Loser. Absolute loser. You're damn right. He did insider trading. Lock his ass up. Whatever you think he did, you're right. How you like you?

that chet your brother's name is chet it is now okay oh i wouldn't be able to testify i guess my brother because he doesn't talk to anybody they'd be like so you're very close to your brother surely you know of his involvement in this crime ring and i'm like i learned his middle name four years ago he didn't talk to anybody i can tell you i can tell you about some shit he got into when we were 12 yeah not even then he's just an actual bear on his hind legs if you think i'm a bear on my hind legs no my brother is my brother makes ron swanson look garrulous he makes it look like a like a chatter box as i understand it spencer you have the look of a bear whereas your brother has the personality as well no he looks

like one too he looks like that's what i'm saying yeah yeah he's like you know when you're like oh a grizzly that's a big bear and you're like um kodiak kodiak over the hill go look that's a bigger bear yeah he's the one who like lives in the garage and his children and his wife open the door sometimes that are like food that's what he does he too could use the family plan from a h.com because then he wouldn't even have some home field pants and some home field pants that's all that man needs um oh wow ohio's breaking news by the way ohio states announced the hiring of oklahoma states Jim Knowles as defensive coordinator. That was fast.

Because remember that Ohio State did have defensive issues, especially with their Mr. McGoo of a defensive coordinator, Kerry Combs, who is the squintiest coach in America. I would say. And rather than wait even one second from Buckeye fans, be like, so when you're going to get a real deal?

Oh, oh, he hired. Okay, he hired another guy. Okay, cool. Thanks. So let's see. Jobs still available. I know last week we solved all the coaching jobs, but somehow they've continued to open up.

It looks like the Power Conference jobs open in Virginia and Oregon. And that's it. A serious candidate allegedly for that Duke job. Jason Garrett! It's not even showing up on here. CBS doesn't even list Duke. All right. former, former Giants offensive coordinator

recently fired from that job and former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys during what I will call their 8 and 8 period. Yeah, seems good. Serious consideration. 8 wins and Duke would be great. Can you also get 8 losses? Let's see.

If you try. Or is it not 8 and 8 as the plan? Is it 8 or 8? I will either win 8 games I will lose eight games every year. Six and six at Duke is fine too. That's really good at Duke. Yeah.

That's the cutcliff plan. Build me a statue. We also have Oregon's open. Yeah. And like, I mean, it feels like the thing everyone leans towards is just go Chip Kelly, which like, I don't know. You could. Is he still Chip Kelly? we still don't know

we're not all that far removed from like UCLA columns being like this hasn't worked Chip Kelly has to be fucking done yeah yeah yeah like every couple weeks they want to fire him but he'll thrive back at his native environs it'll be just the same guess yeah it'll be just as cool as it was before

what does Oregon have to do to keep a head coat like I can't stop hiring Florida men for one thing. Okay. Yeah. Stop hiring people who want to go back to the East Coast. Okay.

Don't because the last two coaches who did that are both predominantly East Coast guys. We need somebody who's more innately West Coast. All right. So it's going to be Justin Wilcox then. Yeah, somebody who actually likes a quality of life. That's what you want, right? Because Mario Cristobal is clearly like, I'd like to be more stressed out. Let me go back to my home of Miami.

Extremely stressful play. I did like during the Spanish language portion of his presser, he was basically like, yeah, there wasn't a lot of opportunity to speak Spanish at Oregon. Damn! Wow, did not expect that shot to be fired. Okay.

I just called the whole state's super crackery. I just know that there's somebody in like earth shoes within like distance of hearing this right from Oregon who's like, I'm very hurt by that. I study it on my phone every day. I'm very multicultural. There's two O's and two Olinco.

Yeah. I'm up to level 16. Ola. Yeah. So this is a question that I think somebody posed that, Jason, you may not be prepared to answer at this point. Is this the blood week of coaching carousel seasons? I mean, I don't know if blood week goes far enough. Right.

But is there another that compares even. close no no i mean i think just with the oklahoma and notre dame alone and then like it's this the cavalcades continue like what is it four teams that have made the playoffs that have are making changes at least counting oregon right you know yeah yeah this shit is insane and broken and like even for college football this is fucked up uh i did i thought it was messed up and then miami did but they did yeah yeah like like it was already messed up and then it's like okay

Miami's stealing Oregon's coach and now Oregon's probably going to steal somebody else's coach and like is there an end here what happens if Virginia hires somebody's coach? Part of why there is not I think y'all can push back on me if you like here

is that the normally the way coach carousel season proceeds is that jobs open up and like promising coach of a let's call it less resourced P5 school or a promising G5 school they take the like this is how you get Mike Norvell taking the Florida state job this is how you get Billy Napier taking the Florida job but that's not happening like Matt Campbell is not taking a job this year yeah you know Luke fickle is not taking a job this year there are like there has not been because it hasn't

happen through the traditional paths and because there have not been a lot of other I guess sort of like interesting candidates that have sort of like had the heat on them it kind of created this weird window of opportunity where where like the choice was like yeah I go fuck it I guess we'll just go get Lincoln Riley yeah it's like the like championship contender coach leaving for call it a lateral-ish move like that's a once a decade or more thing right

and we had three this year yes and like Cristobo I don't even know if he's moving to a contender like technically he might be stepping down because he likes the place he's going let us say for demonstrably no right for the sake of online safety

let us say that he is fuck safety no he's not You can reach me at 38 Godfrey At 38 Godfrey on Twitter This is the one time I feel bad about that Like the last time a Something on the order of

Brian Kelly Or Lincoln Riley happened Before Jimbo Fisher It might have been fucking Jackie Sherrill Leaving Pitt at the height of Pitt's power Right And we just had it happen like boom boom boom This is fucked

up man college football you got a fucked up problem and it entertains me because he knew that pitt had discharged its power that the super weapon had already fired and he was like time to leave the death star because it only gets blown up after this yeah it's time to bail there are right now 13 power five schools that will enter next year with a new coach and like we've said not all of them have been filled so that that number could expand And not all the coaching changes have taken place yet. Right.

Because we could get, we could get retirements. Right. I know, I feel like we're probably, yeah, no, we couldn't. You're right. That happens. I can think of, I can't retire until Brian has sex, though. So. And as we know, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

So listen, if you are in the Iowa City area. And what, what bowl game are they going to? maybe that'll be helpful it's the citrus i believe they're going to play a kentucky okay in the citrus bowl kentucky fans yeah yeah that is correct so if you're in the orlando area and you would like to meet a nice a nice boy wealthy a wealthy boy a wealthy burly uh boy brian ferrance is going to be in the area and you can go you can have a lovely evening of romance and intrigue with him and then he will grow to three times his normal normal size and beat up his dad and take his spot at the throne of Iowa football.

Like, this is how weird it's now become. Dave Doran is the second longest tenured coach in the ACC. He's been there forever. He's been there so much longer than I remembered. Matt Campbell, this was his eighth year, yes. Matt Campbell is the second longest tenured coach in the Big 12. That's fucked up. Iowa State's supposed to be the way.

firing his coach everything. James Franklin is the third longest coach in the longest

tenured coach in the big ten. Trying to leave the entire time. Um, the

Justin Wilcox is the third longest tenured coach in the pack 12. Oh, that's messed up.

Chip, the, uh, Chip Kelly and Herm Headwards are like tied for fourth. The Iron Man,

Herm. Jimbo Fisher is the fourth longest tenured coach in the SEC. This is, is all fucked up. So wrong.

And I'm, you know, I'm just sort of scanning here casually, but like, if you can change this to the other conferences, and it doesn't like meaningfully move all that much. Like, it's,

it's kind of true no matter what conference you look at. Or like Luke Fickle is currently fourth in the American. Dana Holger, it's like the fifth, the fifth. oldest tennis coach in that no that seems right that seems like the rock of stability

who's who's the yeah like who's the guy who's like yeah still here so alive well and and that's the that's the other fucked up thing is you look at a lot of the still here guys it's like yep uh scott satirfield and jeff collins still still work for those teams still hanging on for a few more months

dino babers is still at syracuse they'll probably keep going there but like there aren't of the people who are are still there, it's like, yes, Kyle Weddingham, obviously doing great at Utah.

David Sean Stanford. Ah! Okay. Sure? This, like, here's what I need you to understand. When Nick Saban quits, if everything else stays the same,

Mark Stoops will be the tenured gentleman in SEC football. And has signed a contract that will make that continue to be the case. The tenured Kentucky gentleman, sir. Like, I really appreciate that Mark Stoops is following so much of the Kirk Farrant's pattern, including a contract, which is basically like make a bowl game and we'll just add a couple years of your contract, whatever. Yeah. But because it's Kentucky and because it is usually more watchable than Iowa football, it's fine.

Well, there's that. And there's also from Kentucky fans, I don't get the sense that they spend half the time hating. it like Iowa fans with Ferrence it's like we fucking hate this guy but you can't talk about him right no no no yeah Kentucky fans can't our fans seem to get it like they seem to get like eight and four that's really good for us yes yeah no but by and large Kentucky fans have one of the healthiest relationships with their football team because all their toxic feelings are taken up by another sport yeah yeah I think it's because basketball is where they turn into mr. hide but you'll see them you'll like they're just like I am happy

that I have a team that, like, is enjoyable to watch more often than not. And it's like, that's a very, that's a very healthy way to look at it. Sad that we're like, they were like embrace, embrace the wisdom and tranquility of Kentucky.

Of Lexington. Yeah, but again, we can only do that because they're like, my kill room is for basketball. The clean, nice, normal space with families out here. Plastic sheets are in there. Basketball's where I put my bad feelings. Basketball's where I turn my bad things into beauty.

God, off-season Michigan is going to be awesome. No matter what. No matter what. No matter what. It's going to be incredible either way. Oh my God. I have really,

I do love, though, that Jim Harbaugh gets his comeuppance and wins a Big Ten title because now it validates all the crazy. It validates all of it. Is that what coming up? I always thought comeuppance was like oh finally you piece of shit you got you've received what you deserve but in a bad way I thought you were gonna say having me on this having to play Georgia was his come up and oh I see that will be his comeuppance okay okay but this is a

validation of every insane thing that Jim Harbo ever did okay yeah all of it right stay sleeping sleeping over at a punter's house yes drinking far more milk than an adult should actually ever drink, right? Every single day. Wearing the bad pants, making bizarre press conferences after losses where he responds monosyllabically. Running routes at baptisms. Running routes at baptisms, right?

Like all of it. It's all completely validated. There will be no stopping him, as if there was any. Yeah, but I will. That's the real key. It was not. If anything, he'll be like, I'll take a bigger pay cut next year. that inspires the team.

He really might. Pay me a dollar. We'll be champions forever. You could see him just having a tantrum doing that and then coming home and his wife's like, what? I'm coaching next year for $17. He's the one

I almost wonder if he knows he's paid. You know, like it goes into an account. Someone has access to it. He doesn't care. I wake up every morning. I have a new pair of pants, a new pair of shoes. who's got it better than us nobody

every morning every morning I wake up and I have a breakfast steak and I go to work and I think about football for 19 hours and then I have my dinner steak and I sit and wait and then it's time to go to work

why do I feel like Jim Harbaugh looks at each of his children every single day and just says their name that's how he interacts with him Tom Jack and they and they love it like this is how he was raised right old Jack Harbaugh

would say Jim John boys boys adored it ate it up couldn't get enough and they probably say something real Midwestern to him right like now you don't get a little you just go you guys get along just go scaddle figure it out

if he beats Georgia oh god first of all he'll be unkillable first of all I'm getting stop praying for my grandpa's week

I'm getting fully nude okay for that full I just want you to know the minute that happens wherever I am I am stripping off every piece of clothing I own and rolling on the floor laughing

that is what I will do naked is the day I was bored can you imagine the sour potato salad face Kirby Smart is going to make if he loses to fucking Michigan oh my god like yeah like uh coach the handshake

you got a great team there kirby please let me go let me go hardball encouraging encouraging kirby yeah and then kirby having to sit there in here like so coach your your five-star team lost to the exact same version of itself that is a four-star team why did you do that coach value what great value that's why why can't you find a quarterback uh coach smart why didn't you try morals like like game McNamara coach smart do you think maybe you might have overlooked i don't know a little thing called dignity i just should you maybe study harder a little in the classroom i just want to go cry on my truck that's all i want to do coach kirby why doesn't football matter as much to

Georgia. Oh, God. And the Tom Creed has to go on campus after his fucking brother-in-law Beech the Georgia. Has to. He'll also be fully nude. He's walking in.

My God, his pants have never been bigger. Listen up. Dude, Harbaugh's going to show up. Harbaugh's going to be on the sideline. Just wanted to see a Georgia game. How are you guys doing? Beautiful. I just wanted to show these fans what a championship ring looks like.

And like with him, as weird as he is, he's not even being passive-aggressive with it. He literally thinks, I thought they'd want to look at it. Yep. It's pretty cool. Anyway. But they're plelting me with hot dogs, nevertheless, which is a local custom. Free dinner. I am eating them as quickly as I can.

but I'm all out of milkshakes Just sitting in the front row asking the Georgia VIP people The ambassadors like You got any milk? I could use a huge thing of milk Down here at court side It'd be great

I hate him so much He's so weird He's so goddamn good at coaching football I don't think the playoff committee understands what they've done Because if Georgia had lost If Georgia played Cincinnati and lost It would have been like, you know, we'll write that off as like, Incredible Cinderella, blah, blah, blah.

They played Bama again and lost, you know, I already seen it. But if they lose to Michigan, it's just, oh, my God. I just call the cable company tomorrow and say, I don't need an internet connection for eight months. I like if, so if Bama loses the Cincinnati, I cannot wait for the, they just weren't motivated. Their hearts weren't. It's the fucking playoff. Yeah, you can say that all you want, but it was a ball game. It was just a ball game.

Those don't count. Listen, I'm not predicting this, but if we got a Cincinnati, Michigan National Championship. Oh, my God. SEC Media Days next year is going to be like a fucking funeral. Oh, no, not a funeral. No, no. Because look who's here to save the day. it's Steve Sarkesian's longhorns

They'll move it up Listen if both teams lose They'll move up the OU and Texas thing a year They'll be like nope Not just that They'll like at Ohio State Yeah And then Michigan would beat him again

They've been to Ohio State in the playoffs Michigan rain has become How did we get to this strange place where we're talking about Michigan stunting on everyone and Notre Dame is cool. What the fuck happened this year? It's great.

Honestly, as soon as Brian Kelly left, I very sincerely thought, like, I don't know if I've ever actually hated Notre Dame. Like, I know the propaganda my entire life I was indoctrinated to hate Notre Dame, but like as soon as Brian Kelly's gone and he's replaced by a young guy,

you know, who represents a whole lot of people. I'm like, I don't have a problem with any like fine it turns out I never hated Notre Dame whether or not he succeeds at LSU he's going to have such a bad time such an aggressively bad

fucking time well the humidity for one sure that might kill him like the names that he's gonna he's gonna lose to Mississippi State or some shit and it's gonna be bad I

he's gonna lose a game that he can't process a game that he can't understand. Like if, if you're at Notre Dame and you lose to USF, a thing that they did, like, Regis makes one snide comment at 10 in the morning. And like Mike and Mike in the morning is a little grumpier than usual. If you lose to Mississippi State at LSU, like they come up with entire new radio stations to scream like they file with the FCC. We like, we need W, W fuck Brian Kelly.

That's what we need. Give us the rights. We're streaming 24 hours a day. Outside his house. Our location is wherever that motherfucker lives. Yeah. I also like how he's doing a great job of managing expectations. In the, you know, he had his little intro on the floor of their basketball court.

This was the one, of course, where he revealed his southern accent. Oh, ha, pie, boy. The very first thing he said there was, I haven't even won all of them. All my games yet. Oh, my God. Yeah, so 12 and 0. Oh, my God. Is your year one expectation that you have declared.

It's just... Declaled. Yes, thank you. Declaled. We've decided to call... We've decided to call him La Oberjean, because that man is colored like an eggplant once he starts yelling. Oh, the Obarine, you're going to lose to Mississippi Station.

We ain't going to have that. like Lincoln Riley's probably going to have a fine time right oh sure oh oh listen life's already great the way of you it's his situation is like all right all these quarter Bryce Young Matt Corral you know all these quarterbacks like at least one of those guys gonna stay home yeah every three years he's going to pick up one of those guys he's doing pretty awesome like the fourth hardest team he plays going to be from the state of fucking Arizona he's doing pretty great

Mario's going to have a great time because even if Miami's not good he's going to be like, you're out of money. What are you going to, like, too fucking bad. Yeah. But I, yeah. Yeah, Brian Kelly is going to, is going to be fun. I like people are like, man, why would he leave Oklahoma?

You know what Lincoln Riley did today? He woke up and no one recognized him. No one. He was like, it's great. He went to a press conference with like 15 people standing quietly around. Meanwhile, Oklahoma fans, like, overran the airport for Brent Vannebos. U.S.C. is perfect, man, because, like, we all agree that's like, oh, that's a top 10 job.

And, like, apparently they got fucking, they still got the fucking money. And, like, you could win, you know, in the PAC 12, like, okay, they're either number one or number two in terms of, like, the schools you could picture winning a national title. And yet, no one really gives the shit. It's awesome. No. you're like 19th on the list behind us someone's mad about the damn rams or whatever nobody's mad about the rams

no they're like they're infuriated over the Dodgers there's more people mad at I'm saying there's more people mad about the fucking clippers than there is about USC that's true that's true yeah well because because as you saw this season

when you're mad about USC you just like erase them from your calendar like nobody went it when fans are mad at you at other schools they will go and boo and yell and get mad even at the results that they expected like they will still show up and be like how dare you fucking lose to whoever but at USC this year they were just like fuck that I'm not going some of the crowd shots of the coliseum this year were like cool there are 3,000 people here and I couldn't promise you that all of them are human and not chucky cheese characters. Antioch the birthday spider Long time season ticket holder There he was Clay Hilton

wondering like am I gonna get I get through this Am I going to get another whole season of paychecks But then he looked and he saw And there dangled Antioch the birthday spider Who uttered no Clay Your time is done

You've hidden from me far too long I knew it be you Antioch Well, well, well, Antioch.