Shutdown Fullcast - Arnold Palmer Rises From His Grave To Eat Cigarettes With You

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

What celebrity cruise did Surber describe as "smelling like old chili"?The Masters victory dinner menus, reviewed, and why we can't have them in the NFL (short answer: "Pete Carroll")Time for another meeting of our Mike Lombardi Review BoardHolding space to mourn the Big Ten's recent run of titles like the SEC honks we areThe Shutdown Fullcast is on Patreon. This is how we pay our producers, and occasionally ourselves. If you'd like to help with that, give us $4 a month (or a larger, funnier number of your choosing) and we'll give you bonus episodes. As of this recording we have delivered 28 (twenty-eight!!) bonus episodes since launching in August. We think this is a pretty good deal (for you)Now through June 30, 100% of proceeds from PTKU merch sold through the Shutdown Fullstore will be donated to the Transgender Resource Center of New MexicoShutdown Fullcast is produced by Michael Ray SurberFullcast theme variant arranged and performed by Corey CunninghamDID YOU KNOW: Spencer and Holly write Channel 6, a year-round newsletter that is mostly about football, until it’s notBefore the world ends (again), treat yourself to Jason’s critically praised novel and other workTravel in your mind palace to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Steven Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz

Gene Simmons is on tour. By himself? With something called the Gene Simmons band. Does it use the kiss font? 100% it used the kiss font. That's like, I always love the old band thing where no one can agree on who owns it. And like they splinter into five different things that are all the same thing. A Boston-like substance starring one guy who was in Boston.

Maybe this kind of thing prepared us to meet the Mississippi State Message Board communities with equanimity. Got 37 guys named Tractor Bill who are tired of this shit. So we're going to start Tractorbill.com Tractorbill, no politics. Yeah. Then there's a further fraction. Tractorbill politics only.

Tractorbill, no tractorbill.com. Man, so Gene Simmons is on something called the Rock Legends Cruise 2026. I know it's about crazy. Yeah, this already happened. So if you wanted to go, sorry, you missed it.

It was in February. It is a lot of like, oh, you used to be part of something else. Art Garfunkel is here. John Oates is here. I'm going to ask this very seriously, Ryan. Did he sneak onto the boat and they just went with it? Was our Garfunkel just sleeping on the boat?

And they're like, oh, look. Does anybody first build on the boat or is it all the ants? Let's see. There's some solos. You can bookhole new tag teams, Garfunkel and Oates. Yeah, that's right. Play is here. Play is here, everybody.

Uh, the 2027 lineup has not been announced yet. We pronounce it Playa. Yeah. Yeah. MC Scat cat is here. Uh-huh. Kelle is here. I wanted to talk to you guys about something.

Wait, did we talk about? Cambria is here. Yeah, Camberia. Sorry, what, Holly? Did we talk about the modest mouse cruise? No. Yeah. I was about to mention this how like the cruise phenomenon has now fully encompassed

literally every genre, including like, ones that do not particularly feel vacationy to me. Most little service. What about Monash's... Isaac Brock has always played like a jam band guitar though. Like he's always had like Paul Reed Smith or so. When I found out about it, I was like,

well, this kind of tracks. I've been waiting for them to go in this direction for a long time anyway. I mean, I'm sure a modest mouse, like, think about this. They had to do it after somebody offered the band that had an entire album about guys dying in a shipwreck, right?

Sure. Guys on a sinking boat, he had to do it the minute they were like, hey, do you want a cruise? I was like, yeah, fuck it, maybe we'll die. Awesome, let's go. I do know someone that's done one of the Americana cruises like this before. Yeah.

They make fucking bank on these things. That is why everyone's doing it now is because you make so much, they make so much money on these things. Because it's not just the performance. They sell all these like extra ad-on. Yeah, like,

on packages and experiences and like that's that that's all straight to them like I would you like to eat crab legs with Spencer yeah man you want to watch me eat crab legs he'll sign here Florida state for four

pontoons tied together yeah I we've we god pun not intended we have already missed the boat on podcast cruises that's a thing has been for a while now miss the boat no sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard and I'm saying this on April 7th

26. Yeah, here's, yeah, here's, here's, here's one, Google podcast cruise, first result. First ever true crime podcast, Cruz. Oh, oh, you're going to die. Wait a second. If this is like, that's a small price to pay to be able to plausibly murder some people. This is, yeah, you, this is like mystery dinner where you all gonna die. Yeah. Sounds like a deal. Yeah. I take it back. I can think of several podcasts. I would not want. See, if we did the well, there's, your problem cruise. You think of one you don't, you do. Right.

Yeah. If we did the well, there's your problem cruise. And the boat sank. That'd be awesome. That'd be awesome. I think it'd be disappointing if the boat didn't sink for a question. Yeah, I could just see Roz getting into one of the life boats being like, ah, this is perfect, didn't it? Yeah.

A Philly centric cruise where the boat sinks? Awesome. Perfect. Like a news spliner podcast cruise. I would sink it. worst. I would sink it. You explore the intersection of your prone form and the ocean floor.

Yeah, like whatever Vox is doing these days, the Vox Cruise. You know what you mean? Vox.com cruise. I would love to attend the maybe the iceberg has a point lecture that they give during the, during the centrist Titanic, right? Three charts I googled that helped me understand the chart, the iceberg that is overtaking us. Children should not have been saved first. That was a waste of resources.

I should have. As a high-earning, Ivy educated. Children create no jobs. Yeah. Do you know how dire things have gotten? Our old buddy had a banger this week. Yeah. He's gone so far towards the international date line

that he has crossed back into making a good and necessary point. When I said Vox, I honestly forgot we worked there. Who's our old buddy? Spencer, do you want to read this one aloud? Let's see. You don't have to if you don't want to. Very briefly, but yeah, we can cut it. I don't care.

But this is from Matt Iglesias. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The filthy man. Yeah, the filthy man. Yeah, Cruz would be like a way of isolating him in like a CDC sense. I mean, like, when the toilet's all clog and everyone's shitting themselves, it happens on Cruz, is he's prepared. He's built for this.

Yeah. He's already immune to all of it. Fucking Nergel, man. Every, yeah, listen. every cruise is a poop cruise when you're with Madaglius. He's going to survive. He's going to thrive.

Swamp thing. It's our gossip session. Petri dish. It's all true. Yeah, it is. I went to Dalton and that's why I don't wash my hands. He never told me the joke, and Spencer read the thing.

But you have to do the voice. Yelling on ambitious young women. Won't boost marriage. Is that what he talks like? No. Yeah. Spirit. You know how...

The only thing I've ever heard him say is when he came out the bathroom and took some of our chicken nuggets and I was like, ew. Straight with his dirty poopy hands. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. Are we far enough and now into the future to talk about how that got to be such an annoyance slash source of horror for everybody that at one point when a... would bring his infant daughter into the office. He would change her diaper on Madaglays. I feel like since Matt would be, I feel like since Blaiscus would be fine with sending

crazy respect. Crazy fucking respect. Yeah. They're kind of even. Makes sense for me to change my daughter's diaper on your. Right. Yeah. That's when you know you fucked up.

Resistance takes many forms. And seriously, when they do get billed, first at the guillotine baby. I will pull the string myself happily. Listen to that. Big Noggin hit the floor. Our old Fred Iggy poop says you shouldn't yell at ambitious young women about declining marriage rates. And I'm like, no, you should only yell at ambitious young women when you're arguing that they should wash your office dishes because you make more money than they do. Another real thing he did.

Spencer, what are you doing April 17th through 21st? If you tell me they already have a cruise, I might just walk into the sea. Nope. Spencer is going to be on December of 99 and beyond cruise. featuring greed, doctrine, collective soul film tour. Mostly, relatively, this is good. You have to go, uh, after everyone you say. One guy from the verve pipe, just the one.

Just verve. Yeah, just verve. No, no, no, it's just pipe. Just pipe. Living color, blackstone cherry. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I can make this work. Living color kind of goes there.

That fucking rules. Yeah. I'll give money. I, listen, right now. I will give each member of living color a hundred dollars. That's my pocket. I'm going. What?

I started out. No, but now I'm a yes. Look in his eyes. What do you see? Yeah. Wow. A boat with lots of amenities.

You got 10 days to get on this cruise, buddy. You hope you're ready. Dude, I only need one. I'm pretty sure this completely overlaps with the charity bowl, but. I'm on a boat recently with collective soul. Whoa! That your wallet shine.

I'm going to get the, like, worst tribal armband tat. Yeah. I'm going to get the puka shells. Mm-hmm. Right? We're going to be like, Jack Johnson should be here, man. Spencer's out there in the... Spencers in the bucket hat, like saying it's like, this is the stretch goal.

In case, in case we crack five million. Now, if you'd rather wait, you can go in November on the Rock the Bells cruise, which includes T.I. Public Enemy. Jada Kiss. Uncle Luke, Scarface, E40, too short. I'm not going into the open water with Uncle Luke. A ball and O TG.

Paul Wall. Pedy Pablo. Rob, Rob, base. Okay. Germain Debris. Mani Fresh. DJ, quick, DJ, Scratch, DJ Spinderella, DJ, Hurricane.

Good God. DJ Money. Are they sure? What's going on? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait, wait, we got to call Wally.

Hold on. Let me give me one. Let me give you one more name. Bill Belaby will be on this cruise, motherfucker. Like, my question is, how are there any room for attendees if this is how many performers there are? I don't think they're just. Like, they're all just playing for each other.

I think they're just, yeah, yeah. Good for them. Now, the same, now, shortly there after that, you could go on the Bobby Flay cruise if you want. Boo! Don't go on that! Every single one of these lists, Ryan, is the Britney Broski meme in real life for me? Sure. Chris Jericho has a wrestling.

cruise you can go on and his shitty shitty band is going to assail you the entire time yeah there's a sublime cruise that's the most that i mean like sure that if there wouldn't i mean i got the one y'all ready for it yeah yeah there was a dc talk cruise damn so there you go dc s e hugh outlaw country cruise 2027 yep what are I don't want to know what we're defining as outlaw country. Well, it goes from Key West to Jamaica. So, like, that shit's going to be a pirate boat? Is that what they're claiming?

I think that's what it, yeah. Is that mean it's morally correct for us to pirate? 311 Caribbean crews? You know, why didn't you lead with that one? Why didn't you lead? Oh, no. I have terrible news. What did you tell me they were good ones?

311 Caribbean cruise doesn't set sail until March 2027. When you click on the link, the ship is full. This shit sold out a full year in advance, bitch. You don't get anything. Do you know why? People our age are way too optimistic. That's why. Because there were enough people who were down with it.

That's why. Chill. Why didn't you fucking lead with that one? I'm sorry. I was just scrolling. It was way down there. Is there a list? Just 311?

There's a whole company that just organizes these crews. But like, that other one had 8,000 bands. All right. The 311. The 311 Caribbean crews, again, limited information. Why are you saying Caribbean like that? Is that, aren't they both acceptable? I figure we should have this fight.

Oh, okay. You got to hear 311 every night. Uh, lineup. What's the bad name? The lineup has not been released, which means a shitload of people have signed up for the 311 crews, and I'm not even sure if 311 is going to have the same thought I had, which we're going to have to bleep or something. I don't know.

I'm like, they can't all. I wonder if this is like. Hey, to server's point, here's some of the experiences on. Is that what 311 is also thinking? Here are some of the experiences on the 311 Caribbean cruise. Full ship photo with 311, family feud with Tim and Chad, basketball with Nick and Peanut. Name that tune with Nick.

Theme nights. Does this have dudes dressed up as minions? Yes, it does. You can dress up like a million on 311 cruise costume party. Wait, does it set sale on 311? March 10th. So you'll be at sea on 311 100%. All right.

Respect to that one D. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice to have something to live for. The 311 Caribbean cruise isn't just a vacation. It's a family reunion. What does that mean? All of the people who have.

All of the people that Nick Hexham is impregnated. Have you seen Nick Hexham? Now you might be thinking like, well, clearly this is just sold out because it's a limited time offering. This is the 9th. 311 Caribbean crews. Yeah. They cannot, people can't get it up

for this shit. So you're telling me Nick Hexham has, is probably going to have birthdays with children he made on this cruise. That's right. That's right.

If, if they can get on because again, shit sold out. Sorry, kids. So you got it, you got to go ahead

and book the 10th 311. They're throwing our Garfunkel off the side. Not again, Garfunkel. Man, all sold out. Damn.

Yeah. By the way, yes. Okay, listen, we're failing in journalism in a lot of ways right now, but how I consider it kind of a personal generational failure that we haven't had a long-form magazine feature about the spectacular divorce antics that resulted from one of these. For one of these, yeah, yeah. Again, it's a family reunion. They keep it all to themselves.

Imagine you have a relative, though, who's like, yeah, man, I just got some more stuff. Imagine the family reunion T-shirts on the 3-11 crews. God damn, Nick. It's been hard, but I'm going to take a little meet-time. I'm going to go on the 311 cruise. You're like, do not tell me of your adventures on the 311 cruise. Do not. I don't have enough brain bleach for that, sir.

I want to see if I can find a past 311 cruise and see if there's, man, Creed's done this before. Yeah, man, we're in, we're all, all right. There's a, I saw that there was a Kevin Smith cruise this past year, too. Oh, that's the smelliest one. Yep, it smells so bad. Holy shit. shit. Yeah.

Everything I have to say is extremely uncharitable. Between Kevin Smith and 311 Cruz, that is so many horny 50-year-olds at sea. The YouTube algorithm fed me that for some reason a couple months ago, and I watched this dude walk around, and it was all like five-foot, 10 white, 52-year-old men. And it just, the video looked like it smelled like just old chili. They're all bunking together is the thing.

And they put one of the burger places from one of his movies on it. So you know it just, it was just constant beef smells. Yeah. Just beef farts. That's all you're thinking. I read about one that sent that was probably like one where I would feel very comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

It was the most deeply uncool one I can think of, which is the yes cruise. There was like a, well, not just the yes crews. It was like the progressive rock cruise. And a yes. cover band played for yes which has got to be the weirdest thing you're like I paid money to go on a boat to watch yes watch a guest cover band do their shit whoa

yeah they're nearly 9,000 members of the private 311 Cruisers Facebook group god damn it's a Facebook group huh wow that's surprise so wait how do you get a new I'm kind of amazed it's not a my space Because MySpace, it feels like a very 3-11 community. Sure. Yeah. It was when they were a thing. Chill.

Anyway, yeah, call, call Wally. We're getting information. This is in progress right now. Okay, good. Yeah, as we speak, we're getting information from Wally. Thank you. Maybe I should just go with him. Yeah, for journalism.

To the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the world's only college football. podcast. I am Spencer Hall joined as always by Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson, and all the ones on two's Michael Cerber. This being a college football podcast, I actually want to start with golf. The Masters is coming up this week, and there are several traditions I need to remind you about an association with the Masters. One is that you're going to take an app this week. You're going to take a nap. And oh, welcome congregation. I didn't realize. The Lord was in the house, but the Lord's always in the house.

And what I need to tell you is this, that there are several important traditions with the masters. One, it's to remember that the man who founded at Clifford Roberts died with almost $100 million in his possession. What he did with it was donated to Planned Parenthood. Isn't that sweet? Not really, because Clifford Roberts was one of those people who believed in contraception because he hated children, and he wanted less of them, particularly the poor ones. Right? What happened to you, conservatives? I don't know that. Well, he said it out loud in those exact words. Yes.

once denied membership to somebody for Augusta National because he had five children and assumed anyone with five children had to be an idiot. Honestly fair. Yeah. And his anti-life stance, by the way, completely fair because Clifford Roberts applied that logic to himself ultimately,

killing himself on the par three course at Augusta. Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke. Listen, Clifford Roberts, I'm going to fuck up the joke. You do it. I'm going to fuck it up. I thought you were just going to, I just thought we should point out as is tradition.

And what is master's about tradition, that it was a par three, but he got it in one. And then finished six under. There we go. It's morally correct that this man is dead. Moving on. Yes, yes, Clifford Roberts. Remember, he said that the golfers would be white and the caddies would be black as long as he was alive. But he's no longer alive, a decision made by Clifford Roberts.

By the way, Augusta National bought the gun that he used to kill himself with. Is that not the weirdest shit you've ever heard in your entire life? Even by Augusta standards, that's up there. Yeah. Augusta National was like, nope, we'll take that important artifact. So if you got to do it, go to Augusta National as a member and be like, I need the Clifford Special. They'll probably let you do it.

Additionally, I want to go ahead and remind everybody that you get to take a nap this week. You don't have to watch the masters. You don't have to endorse it. But what you can do, put it on the background. Listen to fake birds. Remember, there are no birds in the course because the entire place is poison. Just one long green strip of poison unwinding through Augusta. Remember the trees just fell?

Yeah, trees just fell. Yeah. Do you know that there's like two trees that buzz constantly on the course because they're the only ones that are allowed to flower, like naturally and attract all of the bugs? And they just sit there and bribrate because they're the only place the bugs can congregate where they won't instantly die from toxins. Don't go barefoot either. It's definitely not good for your bloodstream.

Anyway, the final thing is this. You can defeat anyone, anything you want, if you win the Masters. And I don't know, maybe the next winner of the Masters is listening to the shutdown fullcast. If you are, life's pretty fucked up, and I respect that. But you get to feed them whatever you want.

And I want to remind everyone, these meals not necessarily bad, all right? but they're not necessarily good. And there's one person who I think went above and beyond and all of this. And that would be Bubba Watson. A reading. A reading, by the way, of the master's menu.

That's our text for today. This is what Bubba Watson served everyone on April 9th, 2013. Traditional Caesar salad. Grilled chicken bread. with green beans, mashed potatoes, corn, and mac and cheese, served with cornbread. Dessert, confetti cake. This man picked meal. Can I, can I?

Is it to honor all the senior citizens around here that were just serving nursing home food? Can I offer you the most, the most, like, I'm not the most distracted child menu that has ever been offered at the menu, that the masters of all the things we never told a joke about the University of Georgia is perhaps the top of list so here is supposedly what Marco Mira had on the menu for the 1999 champion sitter maybe it was 2000 and he served in 1990 I don't know yeah chicken fajitas steak fajitas sushi sushi okay okay okay okay okay I want you to know everybody can get whatever they want First of all, massive respect. He was like, that is, that is, that is,

best master's dinner, but it, it's, it's, it's entirely a respectable effort. They're like, sir, human, like human artifact and legend of our culture. Yeah. Jack Nicholas is here. What will you be feeding him? And you're like, dino nuggets. We're eating dino nuggets. Seven kinds of dino nuggets.

Yeah. Listen. Listen. Listen, in 1989, Sandy Lyle, who's Scotsman, served Haggis, served Haggis. Choke it down. I won. Fuck you, haggis. Yeah.

Okay. And I want you to know, if you go through, like, a list of these, and there's a couple of decent articles that sort of summarize, like, best and worst, right? Or, you know, best and sort of like, they won't say worst because it's golf and we're polite. They'll just be like, oh, curious choice, you know. Yes. We have exotic covered. There is a legendary one there that has actually has another Atlanta tie. But like, okay, so in that vein, Marco Mirr served what he wants. Scotty Sheffler.

Scottie Sheffler was kind of cool because he was like, yeah, we're going to have some cheeseburger sliders, some firecracker shrimp. We're going to have meatball and ravioli bites. Then we'll have some chili. Like he was basically just like. What the fuck is a ravioli bite? Is that just a hand ravioli? I think, I think that's like a Texas dim sum. Yeah. like St. Louis Jimson. But yeah, like a fistful of loose cooked pasta. Yeah. Then they were like, have a ribeye or some redfish.

Like he's just like, yeah, fuck it, we're rolling out some food, right? John Rombs. John Rombs is actually really fucking good. John Romm being Spanish. You got a lot of tapas to start. Then you get like... Crab salad.

Ooh, that looks good. Yeah, yeah. You get a crab salad. You get a Basque ribi or you get... What is... a Basque ribai. It's a rabbi capable of killing. Separatist ribai.

Yeah. Isn't that the cow that stole the tort of France from Alberto Contador in 2010? It is. Yeah. Is that why they call it Basque cheesecake? Hmm. I thought about that. Yeah.

But yeah, it has looked really, really good, right? You got turbot, like it had a nice little fish option there. that was really good. So some people like, do, like, oh, man, Hideki Matsuyama's delicious, a miso-glazed black cod. You get a wagg you and whatever a Japanese strawberry shortcake is.

There are good dinners here to be had, right? Bubba was like, hospital food. So when Bubba announced his meal, Nick Faldo posted, you had a year to decide on happy meal. Also, there's a golden girl's cruise. I just want what my mom would have made. Oh, damn. I don't...

Terrible cook and didn't like it. I do like that all the, like, Texans are always like, gotta be barbecue. Gotta have Texas barbecue here in Augusta George. I mean, Georgia barbecue's not good, and Augusta barbecue is non-existent. No, yeah. Paul barbecue is great.

I said it. Email me. I do respect Bubba's decision to have hospital food on one level. And it's this. Bubba, but, I mean, the mess. Somebody was going to fight.

Maybe, or maybe it was this. Maybe it was him just saying, hey, this is my, trash in the house. I like, I like tigers first in 1998.

Burgers and fries. That's what people eat, right? People food. I've seen those foods. Bleep, blorpe. Listen, listen,

Tiger is playing that one right down the middle, based on everything. Who's the old-ass guy who was like, oh, that tiger is going to serve chitlins and collard grate. Fuzzy Zeller. Fuzzy Zeller. Yes. So I'm sure Tiger is like, what is the,

what will old white men eat? Most boring food. Yep. Yeah, also he's like 13 at that dinner. Like Tiger is a baby. A 13-year-old robot, yes. Yeah. Will robot learn taste?

He did because in 2003, the list was like 8,000 things. he defaults to fajitas at one point like tiger wins so many of these that at one point he's just like yeah make fajitas again i love fajitas which is how i know that he is at heart a strip mall culture kid but do you know do you know what no golfer has ever been brave enough to do with the masters for the master's champion dinner breakfast for dinner bring me a champion who says fuck it we're having waffles and eggs and bacon hold on a second i'm googling something john daily masters If only. If only. You could probably do that up correctly, too, because while I have already slandered Georgia barbecue, you could probably get pretty good chicken and waffle situation in the

casta. Yeah. Yeah. John Daly only ever finished, highest finished tied third at the 93 Masters. He's never even mused upon it publicly. We missed out on beer wings. Face down in a hooter's flower bed. I'm also John Daly.

I bet John Daly intentionally hasn't won the Masters because he's like, they won't let me serve cigarettes. Not interested. Full of loose cigarettes. Then I gotta wear a jacket. Actually, like, the number of guys at the, the number of guys at the masters who, if you just had a silver platter loaded with cigarettes, the number of guys

who would be thrilled at that is greater than five. Fuck yeah, man, I've been waiting for it. Not vapes. Cigarettes. I could use a fistful of unlit cigarettes. Just put them in your mouth and just gnaw. Just Byron Nelson seeing that going, oh, yeah.

Who's going to crunch on them and who's going to just meticulously unroll them and tip all of the dried tobacco leaves into their open mouths? Arnold Palmer rises from his grave to eat cigarettes with you. Thank God. It's going to be like a handful of cigarettes and ice cream, vanilla ice cream. Listen, the Bobby Jones, it's what Bobby Jones would have wanted. And playing Caesar salad. Byron D. Chambot trying one and being like, I've been wrong. I was wrong about all of it.

We have to go back. Wait, but Spencer, I'm assuming you started talking about this because of V.J. Singh's dinner. I wanted to talk about it because of Bubba's. Because Bubba's is the one that cracks me up most. Because it's the most like apply food cube. We all get food cube tonight. Like that is the most like that is the most Georgia Hewell food imaginable right like Bryson's just going to be serving the Searsolid serum.

I thought you could get out of him. But there is it, but there is a good. Yes. There is a good Georgia story coming out of the master's dinner, which is what happened after V.J. Singh's dinner. The best one of all time is that is VJ. Singh's dinner in 2001 when VJ. Singh, VJ Singh comes in and VJ Singh is from Fiji

but he got really and he's a big dude anyway but he was like nearing 300 pounds at one point and got a personal chef to follow around him on tour and he got like a personal chef was Thai

and so he would eat nothing but Thai food and wouldn't touch anything else and he lost a shit ton of weight eating Thai food so he was like yeah and he started winning and so naturally being an athlete super superstitious

He's like, I'm not changing shit. Everybody's eating Thai food. So he won the Masters. And when he won the Masters, he got the chef from non-tai here in Atlanta to come to Augusta and fix a full Thai spread. And you would think, ah, you know, maybe he'll kind of half step it and not do, you know, like a full Thai thing. He'll do kind of like a hybrid. Nope. Nope, brother.

He went super hard with it, right? We have curry chicken panang. We got the spicy shit on there. did the whole thing. And when he did that, everyone was terrified. First of all, like, Jack Nicholas was like, I need the menu because he was not going to eat what he was offered. But then they brought it out, and they all started eating off of it anyway.

But they were terrified that they were going to kill 89-year-old Byron Nelson, who was 89, and they were very concerned about his gastrointestinal integrity at that point. Nelson ate the entire meal, absolutely crushed it, and then went back and asked them to box up the left over. Yeah, he and his wife tore that shit up. That's right. And asked them to box up and then raised a toast too. Remember, Byron Nelson has been going to these things for 60 goddamn years at that point.

He raised a toast and said to the best master's dinner ever. And Byron Nelson on a monthly or bi-monthly basis, according to several articles, would fly from Dallas, where they have Thai restaurants. He would fly from Dallas up to Atlanta to eat at non-tie here in Atlanta because he's like, I need a hit. He lived in other six years. It's good for you. Because I think arguably because of this.

Byron Nelson won the Masters in 1937 and 1942. They didn't even start the dinner thing until 1952, which means he had literally been in all of them and talked shit on all. All of them in favor of Vijay Singh's time menu. Yeah, that's beautiful. I just love Barton Nelson at the age of 90 waking up being like, honey. Fuel up the jet. His eyes a glow. Pack a bag, we need Thai Thai.

I wonder if he's ever gone to Thailand or just Atlanta. No, I think, I think he was like, this is reasonable enough. This works. We're going to do what works. Maybe his brain never put the two together. He's like, Thai food's in Georgia. That's where you go to get it. I love this Atlanta cuisine.

I have no idea with Brian Biron Nelson's voices like. But I assume it's like this now after he became an addict to Thai food. That's a powerful voice. Two things I love, eating cigarettes and Thai food. He was from Texas. I don't think this is that far off. That's close enough. Just getting everyone at the room to admit it once.

You're like, We were wrong about cigarettes, right? They're good for you. And everyone at the master's dinner says, yeah, yeah. I feel like Augusta National is the easiest place to get somebody to say, like, I think big tobacco had a good point, actually. I think that's not a hard sell in that. Some unfrozen mummified big tobacco execs from the 60s.

That's right. Yeah, you just bust out of the wall at last. Yes, yes. I live again. Yeah, I don't know. They think seat belts are a lie. And Ben Hogan's like. actually that's a golf joke ah ha ha ha ha ha

um yeah yeah that's that's this week so i really hope somebody can come up with a worse menu than bubba ryan what are you what are you inflicting on people if it's your master if it's the masters yeah um so this is obviously uh two days ago was easter so i've got that on the brain and I'm just I'm just giving them I'm mainlining them sugar I'm gonna be like dinner is pixie sticks dinner is it's it's it's all the shit Will Ferrell eats an elf I'm gonna fuck your blood sugar up so bad knocking all these old guys out getting them to bed that's right yes yes and all the competitors because because a lot of people there will be competitors who have won the masters in the last few

years so I know that they're my competition I don't be like open up but bad boy slurpy day I hope you're ready there's Skittles in this one Course of Slurpees. That's right. After dinner, Dutch Brothers coffee, special to beverages. No. State fair food. We're not running that.

We're not doing that again. Yeah. I'm just going to really make everybody feel terrible throughout their whole body by just main light, not a protein to be found, just sugar. Jason, what do you feed them? I mean, you could probably apply this strategy with nothing but carbs as well, right? You're going to need your energy. for playing golf.

So maybe we're just going to load you up with nothing but like the starchiest shit we can find. I'm going to make you eat cracker barrel, you know. I'm just going to clog you, turn you into a brick of carbs. You could get them. I think if you hit them with any number of Caribbean cuisines, right, like a Cuban feast where you go, yes, it's very important that you have platins and rice and yucca and like you have the inbre. So you have like four carbohydrates on the plate at once. Yeah, that'll knock him the fuck out.

Yeah. Don't worry. There was a bay leaf there. You're going to drink milkshakes. I'm hitting it with some Arby's, bitch. To be clear, you're not saying we're having roast beef. You're saying we are having R.Bs. Take the night off, chef.

You've been working hard. So it's not. Well, I think it's your, you're like flying in your favorite Arby's kitchen. That would be awesome. I have imported only the finest. It's like Arby's franchise number 694, they are coming in. And like they're not wearing like shit. They're wearing regular Arby's uniforms.

Hey, whoever was working, listen, I need the Arby's. This is the Delta Force of Arby's teams. I need whoever was working the Deep Friar at the Cartersville Arby's off 75 two weeks ago, who really, you know, put something special on those tater. cakes, they need to come to Augusta. And they're not on some yes chef shit. Like they're in regular

fast mood, right? They're like, oh, we have 50 white guys to feed. You know, like they're not in a great mood. Oh, no, I don't want them in a good mood. No. Right, right. Shit, man. Go bring me the Popeye's All-Star team from the

actually, give me the team, the church is chicken right outside the airport in Atlanta. That's what I want. I want, first of all, churches is fucking underrated, man. Stop slandering churches. We're going to bring in a church's chicken in the worst mood imaginable is what we want. Yeah. Yeah, just have him go talk to Fuzzy Zeller for a minute.

He'll be gone. This is where I do. Is Fuzzy Zeller dead? Pretty sure Fuzzy Zeller's dead. Let's see. It's Fuzzy Zeller. Yeah, I'm fairly positive he is. He was a picture of health.

Oh, he's dead. He died last. He died in November. Okay. Damn. Okay. Dead of a heart attack on Thanksgiving Day. The podcast of record here to give you the updates.

Everybody, I hate to tell you, Fuzzy Cellar's dead. We did actually get one person who didn't know Lou Holtz had died. Multiple. I saw at least two. Holly, what are you serving at your master's dinner? I'm trying to decide whether this is like a form or a function thing because I obviously want to throw a swerve at these people. And with genres and high brow, low brow being covered, I was thinking about something where the eating of the meal itself would be baffling to them. Can you do the, what's the thing where you cover your face because you're, you're ashamed.

Yeah, can we do that? I feel like everybody there has probably already had worldland. Sure, that's true. Yeah, McVell does probably get a good story about it. Yeah. Yeah. But what I came up with was Spencer, you're going to have to remind me the name of the dish because I can't remember it. But I'm going to run it back with Ty or having it catered by Night Market Song because one of the things they serve, the one in Silver Lake, not the one in West Hollywood, they have these crispy chicken thigh skins that you use as a utensil. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they use it for a lot. They use it for a salad.

the eating of the meal to be baffling to everyone around me. I like that you didn't choose the, I think it's a great choice. I like that you didn't go the mid-somer route, right? What are we serving you? I'll be honest. My first thought was do like the, was have like every dish. A dish is unimportant, but have every course of the meal sculpted into like one of those subway sandwich sculptures that's the face of somebody that I've vanquished.

and we just eat pieces off of it. So like the whole meal each attendee is eating the face of a different attendee. Yeah. Yeah. Can you just slightly more literal take on this is the dead man's brains? Can you just say nothing? Like can you be a real dick and be like, no dinner! No master's dinner!

Go to bed! You know what you did. Phil Nicholson would be like When the master's account posts it It's like a dinner in honor Of da-da-da and it's just Just blank Hard work

Nothing Get your ass to sleep The most metal be a little Oh tiger would be like Ten mile run Then dad will love me Navy SEAL beats you with foam bat And for dessert

But first I got to talk to the president Yeah hold on I just got off the faux president I was just talking to the president. I was just talking on the phone. That's the most Stanford sentence I've heard in my life. The way I said it, I was just talking with the president.

That is the most my Canadian girlfriend thing. I was talking with the president. I never realized Tiger Woods sounds like Antioch before. But he does. You can't arrest me. I have the president's phone number. That's definitely not something someone high on Tills would say. But he's probably right.

it's not a bad bet listen the chief might think that way but the officer on duty is probably like definitely taking you in now um yeah server what's your master's dinner um um it's been we've talked about enough on hand of the dirt that felder and i don't like to eat in front of people so i'm probably not going to eat but i'm going to prepare the meal for them and just kind of like run point on it and I always like to make people my omaz food so I'm probably going to go like a sour broughtin with spetzla and some like mushroom gravy with like red cabbage and some apple sauce on the side so a nice dinner is what you're saying oh yeah yeah I'm making something nice what an asshole I already won the I already won the master's bitches that's true that's true oh man

I just don't want to eat in front of them and if I'm busy enough making it and bringing it to them that I don't have to eat in front of anybody and I can just in the kitchen, make my own little plate and make that after, like, and eat that after I take them all their stuff. So then while they're eating, you go practice golf. Yeah. By practicing golf, I mean standing with a hunch as I eat over the counter. Eating a tray of cigarettes. It shows you that golf is a very trusting sport because I don't think you could do this in other

circumstances. I don't think you could be like, and the Seattle Seahawks are hosting dinner before this year's Super Bowl. I don't think it would work. I mean, I'm not eating some shit Pete Carroll picked for me if he's my opponent, that's for sure. Oh, you're getting the turbo shit, that's the case. Why Russell Wilson pick? I don't want it.

Why are we doing Vizene shooters, Pete? That's fine. I don't want Russell Wilson's dinner either. Oh, it was grown in a tube. I know that. Yeah. It's some weird lab grown. It's meat. It's the newest meat. Is that microwaveable bread? It was grown in a lab, but it

still used to have a face. Don't ask why. and not where you think I whiffed on the best I got you a plate of face it's Smeat face and Pete Carroll's like Eat this dynamite I dare you I'll do it

Crunch It wouldn't hurt him either That's the fucked up thing It wouldn't hurt him You'd eat it It would blow your guts out He's fucking roadrunner Just eat gunpowder

And being like this is delicious I'm gonna run through a tunnel now Bang! Ha-ha! Gonna become the first scene. This hurts you, but not me. I can fly! Somehow.

It opened a portal from my stomach into yours, and in yours, it was when the explosion happened. You're Jim Harbaugh. Fall off a cliff. I'm 83 years old, and we'll never die.

Why are you so only one set of footprints? I was levitating. Okay, let's run 47 miles. Pete, you have no cartilage in your knees. No, I have your cartilage. Now I'm lighter. My legs don't need. bend yeah the entire front half of steve sarkesian and lane kiffin's careers are i too am a roadrunner

nope oh no i'm not nope just looking down at a fan that's not you grab beneath them lane kevin turned 50 and now all he does is exercise to make up for trying to be pete carroll for 20 years yeah i saw apparently apparently pete's diet of sleeping three hours a night never eating and only drinking once every three hours, one tiny sip of water, is not a manageable way for an adult to behave. Yeah, not everybody can live as jerky. Pete Carroll is like sober Rick Flair, basically. Yeah. Like imagine if Rick Flair had become an adult at some point.

That's Pete Carroll. Yeah, Pete Carroll is really the nightmare case for ADHD kids because he is one and he can do all that. And they're like, oh, so you're trying to tell me all of my words. instincts are actually correct. That's fine. No, don't do it. Yeah, don't do it. I only have superpowers.

Cool. Yeah. Pete is the first half of Goodfellas over and over again. As soon as it gets to the like, I got to go to Atlanta. Start over. Start over. Run it back. Right.

I'm going to bring that helicopter again with my mind. And I did. And it's gone. William for a dream after 45 minutes and we're going to win a Super Bowl. Yeah. This is how that sequence in. So the coat came in from Pittsburgh. We made twice what we expected on it.

And the spaghetti was great. And then we brought more coke. And I am. Isn't that great for me? It's so fun. Success. Win. It's so great.

They completely blew up in Oakland. Or enough, sorry. God damn. In Vegas. And who gets blamed for it? Chip Kelly. Oh, it had to be Chip Kelly. That offense was terrible.

Oh, it was a weird looking owner. Chip Kelly hanging from a meatlock hook. Took them a week to thaw them out, man. Yeah. Speaking of Italians. Come on. This makes me sad. It does.

Ryan, do you want to, as our Italian ex-course? Yeah, sure, sure. This is from our friend David Kavucci at Foyabal. Himself in Italian. From whom we previously acquired deep Michael Lombardi. uh, lore, including the number of pizza restaurants that he follows and Sopranos accounts.

There was more to it. It isn't a previous episode. It's Mike Lombardi. But unfortunately, unfortunately, as David has noted, we have to revoke Mike Lombardi's Italian-American card because on five different occasions stretching back from 2016 to 2022.

Data journalism is so important. Mike Lombardi calls the movie Goodfellows, F-E-L-L-O-W-S. What? Is this a cry for help? I don't know. Has he actually seen it? He talks about it in great detail. So yes.

But somehow still comes away with the notion that it is one word, no hyphen, but spelled Goodfellows. I wonder if he just read the script but never watched it. Maybe so. Maybe he's only read the Wikipedia entry. expose him to the correct spelling. That's true. Maybe he's only... Well, he just thinks it's a typo or something.

Maybe he's only read... Maybe he's only listened to the audiobook, adaptation, but a British version. Who would you want to narrate the Goodfellas audiobook? This is the most larping as an Italian- Italian man I've ever heard of. Yeah. It's a bummer.

It makes me question... Last, how am I funny? It's like a bear wearing a bear suit that looks like a dog. See, it's like he's, it makes me question whether he's in fact human, not just Italia. Like, he's trying way too hard. I think you're onto something. It might not be human.

There's a bar in Chapel Hill called Goodfellows. Called Goodfellows, yes. Oh, shut up. No way. But all of these, all of these posts predate him getting anywhere close to you. Is that how Bill ended up at Chapel Hill? Yeah. Is he some kind of plant?

Maybe. Like not a, not a plant. Not plant. but literally a yeah how deep just go huh like into the ground it's fucked up with the answer for who the answer for who i want to read the audiobook of good fellows is all is this all audio books are matt berry i want i want good fellow i can hear good fellows am i amusing to you yeah i want him to read that there's also some serious maidenless behavior in this because uh a number of the east these posts are addressed to K Adams.

Yeah. Hey K, have you seen the movie? Hey, okay. You can come about how I was a movie. Kay. Hey, Kay. Yeah. Yeah.

Dea. Jesus. Yeah, this is deeply maidenless behavior. Maidenless is a real polite way of saying, this is, this is a holeless behavior. I'm willing to go out on that line. This is, this is sad. had Mike Lombardi. This is deeply sad.

I know, okay. No, you don't. No, you don't. At some point, Mike Lombardi went on a chair where he followed in this reverse order, an account called Mobsters Paradise,

Seth Greenberg, the basketball commentator, and the U.S. Department of State. I love that this is at least our, is this our third tour through his followers? Probably, yeah. And there will, you know what?

There will be more. Are they getting we getting we're finding new layers? No. No, this is a Narnian adventure on our part. We're going further up and further in. Like, it's bigger on the inside. He just recently followed Mina. He just recently followed Mina.

Mina. Hey, Mina. Two accounts before that, hit men and wise guys. God. Have you seen good fellows? This is not, this is an alien's idea of what an Italian man will do. This is absolutely. He's just following recommended follow.

Just like, pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh. Yeah. Oh, my phone, my phone told me to. My phone also told me when to get up and drink water, so. Follow, follow, follow, follow. That's also how he recruits. In two years, Belichick's going to be on the porch of his shitty New England beach house, right? And he's going to look out and go, the fuck was Lombardi doing for us?

Did you ever see him doing anything? I'll be like, no. You'll be like, no? Like, when you're hanging out with him? Who will he be talking to? He'll be talking to. He'll be talking to me. Spencer and Belich are going to.

the 3-11 cruise. He'll be like, listen, I quit the UNC job, changed my whole life. I'm now just about that 3-11 life. I mean, like, you'll both be like... I'm a member of the Facebook group? Wasn't the year 2001 so cool? Yeah, man. You know, they put receivers in motion.

It gets us all mixed up. That's it. That's it. I'll be writing my book. Tuesdays with Bill, where I include like, be a man, die. Be the anti-Tuesdays with

Mori. Like, when you're going to die, what you'll remember is the special time you spent with loved ones. And Bill Belichick's going to be like, what? Moving along. The most important part of Tuesday is getting a Wednesday. That's not going to remember anything other than. You're not going to remember anything other than. The time, Peyton diagnosed it was three high,

and he called that out of the time. I was going to regret that for the rest of your life. Yeah, what was that? the best part about being a parent bill well you have to understand the challenge is posed by the cold so sensitive scy law used to be able to do that none of my other guys swear to god i hate all the best of him except for him why did he leave his whole estate to ed reed that's crazy what's he gonna do leave to stephen oh yeah he's not gonna spend it well my real son ed reed

Get the hell out of here, all of you. Get Ed in here, please. Come closer. Let's grind film. Please Facebook, Ed, so I can see his face one last time. I see it now. I'm going. Do you see Ed is reaching down for me from the light above?

Get Edelman in here. Hey, coach, what's up? Fuck you, Edelman. Okay, good, I can die. I wish you were in. I could see St. Peter. He's got his hips open the wrong way. I'm going to fucking blow by.

I already have leverage on. on him. You can't backpedal in that road in those sandals are you kidding me? It's not proper time. When they'd send their ends in motion, it was skip ahead eight minutes.

Still going. He's going to die midstream. Yeah, he's going to die midstream talking about some punting. Meanwhile, while all this has happened, Jordan is holding the pillow as hard as she can the knife the knife over and over

to his chest just wanted a real estate empire I really enjoy it in 1936 Rectors I was looking through their play of Jordan are you listening still

Jordan are you listening The 1936 Rectors there is an interesting thing they would do when they're on special teams They called it the oopsie-whoopsie The Hoopsie-Wipsy Jordan I have the sense

you're not listening Uh speaking of Upsi Whoopsies. Can you give us a little podcast business? Speaking of bad ideas. Can you do podcast music as Bill Belichick real quick? Podcast business.

Podcast business. What's the business? The business. Podcast business. Lefty Johnson, a great center for the New York Giants in 1930s. See, the interesting thing was he had two left hands. And that made him very adept walking to the right side. It affected the rotation of the ball when you threw it to him.

You could bite your opponent's arms at that point. He had a thumb on the top of his wrist. He was able to turn to the inside. You could also sleep with the other guy's wife, and that wasn't a penalty either. To leverage him back to the outside. I had my third eye open with prostate stimulation when I was 72. I'm telling you about Julian Ellen's prostate real quick. fucking Edelman

I just love the idea if I'm calling him in out of his deathbed and being like, hey, fuck you. All right. You can go. And Edelman's just

like, cool. Yeah, Edelman will be like, God's Bill. What a great guy. Get in here. Bring all the little elves. Hold on. Before I go,

I want to cut Edelman. There's Welker. Edelman. All my other elves are here. Good. By the way, the reports I've gotten. Can I cut myself?

Like, he is really the butters of the New England dynasty, though? Because seriously, everyone I know who has any interactions with Edelman is like, he's such a sweet dude. Apparently he really was like, I'm going to go in and try hard and be good. And Belichick's like, your shit, your dirt, your ass.

And he's like, okay. And like, they looked up. They looked up four years later and he's still there. And he's like, fuck, I don't know, start him at the slot, I guess. Fine. Bring me my greatest football mind, Gronk. I want Gronk to do the other. The urn into which I have poured on him.

you'll be there. Finish me off, Gronk. Go ahead. You may go ahead. Rail across the middle. Gronk, right into it. Why do I have Gronk? Why do I have Gronk is like, Phil Hartman as Ronald Reagan? Where like, when the door closes, he's like, right, all right, we sell heroin to get to the conscious. Then the minute the door opens, he's like, well, hello.

Yeah. Hey, Gronk not understand. Door shuts. And he's like, all right, fine. Come recommender back here in the body of Gronk. As soon as the door closes, I'm going to plant my shoulder right into Bill Belichick's chest and finish him off for good. Alex load his heart. Jordan will walk outside, but I've secretly placed a trap door.

She'll die. Then I get the estate. Technically, this is podcast business. If anyone wants to know any business of home field apparel. Yeah, brought to you by home field apparel. Where did Bronco to call? Arizona. Arizona.

Arizona. The University of Arizona indeed has a home field apparel page. That's right. Which I am looking through now. Oh, my God. great shit already. There's a little spaceship, a little astronaut, cat,

cow, boy girl on a basketball. That's right. What's your... Oh my God, the Vivo Los Gatos cat. What's the only college Bill Belichick actually respects? Rectors and Navy. Yep. Yep. Those two. Are they available on a home field? Damn right. 100%. Yes.

UNC also has home field. Do you know what? The team we cannot mention without laughing. Because they could have waited for Billy Donovan, but no, they hired Martin Malone. Thus meaning. Did UNC do something else we need to tell people? You know what? We're not going to sell the home field ad with UNC's decisions because those aren't

home field decisions. Let's talk about schools near and dear to our hearts anyway. Michigan and UCLA. Yeah. Both available. Champions. Yeah. There's an Arizona hockey shirt.

I need it. all of these and many more available at homefield peril i we are transitioning pretty heavily into t-shirt weather and guess what homefield has you on fucking lockdown national champion shirts for the aforementioned michigan and ucla and if you bug if you find connor's email and you bug him enough he'll make you a national championship for any sure you want don't go looking for anything you want yep yep he has one virginia Tech National Champions shirt. He'll give it to you if you really ask Hart.

If you asked Laddness. A sleeveless Appalachian State shirt, you never know. Honestly, Arizona has one of the best retro style collections of anyone at hundred percent apparel.com. Yeah, all of my Arizona stuff from there is that is that vintage logo with the cactus. That's good to look at UCLA. Oh, they have some very, very cute baby bear looking stuff. They have the good baby bear.

They got shorts? They have, like, the UCLA blue and gold is really nice looking. It truly cannot be beat. This hat. I love this UCLA hat. Yep. This is how we make money for home field. We just look at their website.

But that's also what our show is many times. Let's look at website. I'm not going to lie. This John Wooden Pyramid of Success shirt goes pretty hard. It's sick. Can you imagine how motivated and fulfilled you'd be as a person? If you walk around with the pyramid of personal success, you put this shit on and you're like, oh, I play video games for two hours.

I'm letting John Wooden down. Especially if you've got like great tips. Sure, yeah. Like, you'd really fill out the uppermost portion of the pyramid. That's right. Do you know the deep sigh of personal satisfaction I let out at that visual, Holly? That'd be amazing.

No, no, Spencer. Don't do it. Don't do it. Stop it. Hit the buzzer. Hit the buzzer. Next. Tell us about Channel 6, you ass.

Nope, wrong one. So, we have, uh, so let me tell you about. something UNC did not recently but in the previous decade we just recorded a two-hour episode about half of it is about shit UNC did it's on our Patreon and it's about the entire history of amateurism from roughly 1850 through roughly right the second and we went back there's so much internet shit like like you and kind of forms a three line to the entire thing. Yeah.

The great UNC scandal started by a Rick Ross tweet and ended with a big old fart of nothing that made everyone realize the NCAA is fake. But yeah, it's the longest episode we ever did. It was a ton of fun. And you should go listen to it. It's on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast $4 a month or any bigger number you would like to throw at it. Yeah.

You could become the first million dollar donor to the full cast, which one of you should do. We thank you to our, I can't remember the exact total of my 13. Something like that. Mega boosters. Thank you to all of you who are, you're still there. I still see your name as we survey the list. And greatly appreciate all of you, but the mega boosters, you are indeed mega.

And that is the only thing different about you is that your mega. Yeah, you're just a bigger booster, and we really appreciate that. You can't get to the moon without a mega booster, though. You get exclusive priority seating on the full cast cruise is what you get. Oh, boy. You get in the main pontoon. You get to watch. Hey, you know what you get a cabin with a toilet?

That's right. No more hanging ass off the side, folks. You get extra cigarettes. Yeah, extra cigarette platters at dinner. We put one cigarette on your pillow every night before bed. Personalized skeet shooting off the side of the boat with us. Yes. Yeah, patreon.com.

Patreon. Shut down forecast. Oh, you know what? I would love to tell you about the newsletter, Holly and I write, because we're going to have a fascinating topic on Channel 6 this week. I don't know what he's talking about. Don't get mad at me. Channel.6.gov.io.

I've been having a bumper year in terms of investments, and I'm going to share my secrets with all of you. That cannot be right. It is true. It is true. I've been killing it. A lot of my long-term bets as a hater have finally matured. A lot of people said that I was a Nicholas Talib of haters, that I was going to bet Black Swan

and come up short on all of them, folks. The market never lies. The invisible hand has placed its meaty palm upon my ass and the effect of its spank. I'm going to be reviewing how you should follow me as a guide for investing your hating. Okay? Long term, short term. I'll show you my track record. I'll show you how right I've been.

I was so nervous about where I'll show you my was going. We'll review the portfolio. I'll tell you where to go along from here on out in terms of placing your bets on Hayton Future. Give us a taste. Just give us a taste. Again, ew. Yeah. Go long.

But where do I go to sign up for all this? You could go to channel dash 6.ghost.io. That's channel dash 6.ghost.io. that is the address for our website. Become a subscriber today. $10 a month for two things a week. The solemn promise we have not broken for damn, over four years now. It's a good streak.

Just listen. All I can say is this. Dionne Sanders futures, hold, hold. I know they took a dip. I know they took a dip. I need you to hold on to them, okay? They will pay off. They will pay off.

Okay. interesting um ryan what are you selling these days this week on phantom island which you can subscribe to at phantom island dot show if you want the whole kit and caboodle but if you just want the free show that comes out on wednesday and this week i am talking to our mutual friend kevin van valkenberg about golf's addiction to tiger woods golf just can't get enough of tiger woods it doesn't matter how many dumb things he does how much he blows up his personal life and how boring he is because it turns out like what's the best tiger woods quote you can remember you can't there aren't tiger woods hasn't said anything interesting he's been in some good commercials but that shit

doesn't count so that's what i that's what we have uh coming out on wednesday and because godfrey told me to right before we started this up recording this episode i pushed out our subscriber episode uh which is me and him talking about the second circuit court of appeals and gregg burn and the white and what they all have to say about the future of college athletics, I did not tell Godfrey what we're going to talk about before we started recording, which is fun because mostly the podcast exists for me to confuse and perplex him. And so if you want to listen to that.

That's good. He needs enrichment. He does. His children aren't providing him with enough stress. And that's what I'm here for. Again, go to Phantom Island. You can sign up for a paid for him to bat around so he doesn't start attacking the fences. That's right.

By the way, you ask the question. Is chew toy? You asked the question, what's the most memorable Tiger Woods quote? And I'm reading from the text here completely out of context. Oh, God, I know what this is going to be. No, you don't. You do not. You do not know.

I guarantee you you don't know. Go ahead. Okay. And that is in a text with Jamie E with two E's, you are wrong. I'm bone thugs and Harmon. No, why. You are wrong.

And I'm bone thugs and Harmon. I do like how he turns it into a verb. That is innovative. I thought you were going to say Mac Daddy Santa was going to be. Nope. I thought we were going. Nope. You are wrong.

I am bone thugs and Harmon. Not bone thugs and Harmon. Attorneys at law. Yeah. Jason, I noticed that there's more newslettering going on at the athletic these days, including one about the Masters from Alex Kersner. I don't know if we're going to talk about that, but you tell me. Alex has a pop-up newsletter on the Masters in addition to his work with the Pulse and his work with until Saturday.

Back when it used to be a college football, newsletter. It's been a college basketball newsletter for some time, but it's now pivoting back to being a college football newsletter. Subscribe to those today. Additionally, hell is the world without you. My novel is available as an audiobook. And I wanted to mention, I haven't mentioned this in a couple years, that it is also available via Supportingcast. It's available via all audiobook presences. But in supporting cast, you can listen in your podcast app as if it's a pot. It'll turn the book into a podcast. Just throwing that out as an option for some of you. You're listening to a podcast. Assume you like podcasts. It's got Serber on, the guitar.

no less, and me doing all the narration, and we're both really good at it. Speaking of, speaking of Serber's guitar. There is new killer ants out today. You're hearing it, a chorus for the Wasteland. Our brand new single is out as you're listening to this podcast. As soon as you finish this one, and as soon as you go subscribe to Channel 6, and then you subscribe to Falcon Scott and Phantom Island, and you read Jason's newsletter, you should go listen to my song.

It's out today. This is not the first single off our debut album. That would be Grandma Rose, but this is the second single, released a year later. We really tease this motherfucker. You can get it in all the places. If you don't like Spotify, I don't blame you. You can get it on band camp.

You can get it for free there, or you can pay for it there. Other than that, Amazon. Say it yet? Who's that handsome guy singing? That's me. Sorry. Yeah, I sing in the band. It's Killer Ans with a Z or a Z.

We're also on Amazon Music, YouTube Music, all the other places. Check us out. And also, if you want to see us live, we'll be playing at FuzzFest this Friday night, April 10th at Fair Witness Fancy Drinks with Darling Hiss, Meg, adults, and instant regrets. Also, we're playing next Saturday at Monstercade with Zombie Caught Off Guard and Drat the Luck. and then we're playing on May 2nd with L.E.K. at the Den. So, those are all in Winston-Salem. Come see us.

We'll be in Greensboro again soon. If you're in Atlanta, book us to show. Bring your earplugs. They're loud as fuck. Yeah, we're allowed. Holly, there's much charity updating, I believe, that we have this week. Hell yeah, coach. We have totaled our Q1 fundraiser

donations from our store at Shutdown Full Shop. not a real website. The store is at pre-owned airboats. Dot horse. Wait, nope, mixed all that up.

It might be. All of our internet works just fell out of my brain in sequence. Pre-owned airboats.com, which is how you know it's a real website. Not a trap. Sorry about that. Freelife insurance.

Dot horse will still take you to our Patreon. Thank you for putting your money into both of these websites. From January 1st, 2026 through March 31st, 2026, you beautiful, beautiful incandescent idiots, that's, that's, that's good. That's, we're, we're also, we're also football idiots. All you sportsball idiots raised $851 and 44 cents. You did this by buying $851 and 44 cents worth of PTKU branded Blue Sharks merchandise,

and we are about to cut a check for $851.44 to Transvisible Montana. We are very excited about that. We are keeping it going. From now through whenever the end of Q2 is, Ryan, you're a lawyer. When's that? June. May? May.

April, May June. Right. Yep, June. Okay, cool. Math is hard. It is. I love being a woman in STEM. Through the end of June, all, all monies that you spend on our website, shut down full store.

Again, that's pre-owned airboats.com. Real website, not a trap. All money spent from PTKU merch purchased during that time. We'll go to Drummole, please. Transgender Resource Center of New Mexico. You can check them out at an even more confusing URL. TGRCNM.org. I am not repeating that because I will get it wrong.

We will put it in the show notes. And to celebrate our Q2 fundraiser for our trans siblings, this great citation needed nation of ours we have a brand new item for you today it is perhaps my favorite item that we have ever put into the store it will be live on the shutdown full shot by the time you get this episode tomorrow because as ryan said earlier it's getting to be t-shirt weather and for some of you that means it's getting to be sweating through your t-shirt weather folks we're bringing you a sweat towel yeah bring you a blue shark sweat towel God.

It's a golf towel. It's got a little golden grommet and a little hook in the corner so that you can affix it to your person, to your bag, to your golf equipment. I don't know. Anyway, it's got a shark on it, and if you buy it, we're going to send all the money you give us between now and the end of June to the Transgender Resource Center of New Mexico. Thank you.

Trans rights are humans rights. Protect our trans kids and go blue sharks. I can't speak in that many sentences at once ever again for the rest of the show. Thank you. Okay. You got it. Yep. Oh,

Charity Bill's coming up. More on that soon. It looms. That starts on April 20th. Not yet. It's not there yet. You can't donate yet. You can,

but your money won't show up on the scoreboard. Don't get mad at me. I just saw you, Michigan. One of national title. Yeah. No, bring us out of podcast. You get to donate the sex number. Yeah.

Oh, no, this is relevant around. I'm just saying. And we are segueing, but I'm just saying. Let's hear those 6963 donations. 6963. It's pretty nice. little sum that you might want to go ahead and just remember. No, don't go ahead.

No, remember. File it away. Keep that number. Don't do anything yet. Don't do it. Don't. Karen, what are you doing, Karen? Karen, do not do that. Why did you do that, Karen?

That was all the cocaine we had. Why don't you go fuck yourself, Tom? me? All right, play us back in. Thank you, Coach Belichick. Doing your fucking job. I don't have one.

You have a job, buddy. You got two kids. It's all right. Okay. All right. Yeah. All right. You have more of a job than you will ever have in your life. Listen, I live in SEC country, okay? We're miserable down here. Oh, yeah. We're just... There's nothing shots. We're so upset about the conference that has schools in our states. Yeah.

My geographically proxical schools. There are universities that are, there is one SEC school in the state that I was born in. So, oh, I'm so upset about the Big Ten. I think my favorite thing, like, yes, the Big Ten currently holding titles in men's basketball, women's basketball, women's basketball. It's confusing, but at least it's basketball and football. Football. And they are positioned to win. Women's hockey.

Women's hockey they've already got. UCLA is in the PAC 12. Yes. One of my favorite things that's been pointed out is like, aha, finally men's basketball. The SEC at no point was like, yes, men's basketball, all our

domain. Like, you go through. It's a really mean thing to say to a long time confirmed full cast list. Tom Crean. Go through the years from the Michigan State title in 2000 until Michigan, your men's basketball champion, just what? And it's like, yes, Virginia, Baylor, multiple Villanova titles, Duke, Kansas.

It's like, this is not an SEC heavy thing. There is not, this is not a thing the SEC ever had control. Ah, aha, we've taken your most precious bubble SEC. We didn't know we had one. Listen, look what happened when we did take it. It was goddamn Florida. And look what was going on there. We probably shouldn't do that.

Yeah, probably should do it again. It doesn't seem to be good for an institution. There's three Florida titles. And then there's a Kentucky title in here. And they fucking fired that guy. All right. So everybody just calm down. It's fine.

Women's basketball, different argument, all together. Because the Pac-12 won it. That's a Pac-12 champion. Yes. Yes. I think you shouldn't be able to say it's a Big Ten title until there is no theoretical possibility that any of your athletes could have played in a PAC-12 game. Yeah. I mean, literally, the UCLA's best players signed up to be Pac-12 athletes. That's a Pac-12 team. Yes, yes. Once we get past that five-ish-year stretch where it's like, nope, there was no Pac-12 for you to play in. Yeah. And I say that not because I'm a Southerner and I am threatening.

by Midwestern brilliance. I say that because UCLA is not in the Midwest. Yeah, the one that hurts. Like if you want to, okay, football, like, listen, football's fine. That's totally fine because y'all have always been good at it. You always had at least two teams that are capable of doing this. And if anything, you're overdue.

Actually, you're late. You should have been way better at this way sooner. That's the whole lesson of Ohio State under Jim Tressel, right? They're like, yeah, you guys should have won more than one. You'll note that that's a name we have not listed amongst the current champions in any of these sports. That is, what? What, Ryan? Yes, the splendor of vintage champions.

Look, behold them in Indiana, Wisconsin, UCLA. Name any school, any school, except Ohio State. Yeah, that's right, Big Ten, Ken, that's with the box. Unless you're Carson fucking bad. Ohio State, guess what you are. You are the mythical. Kentucky fan that you invented 15 years ago who celebrates

Alabama's titles. You made this guy up and told the internet that you have encountered him in real life. You hadn't, but now you are him. If you don't like it, just send another death threat and take a picture of my house again. Suck my dick.

I'm looking right now at the sport that actually matters, okay? I'm looking at the softball 25. Softball top 25. Oh yeah, yeah. Come on. All right. Let's see here. Oregon's number four. That's a PAC-12 team.

Nebraska's number nine. That's a big 12 team. Stanford, there's an ACC team. Washington number 20, PAC-12 team. I'm not seeing any big 10 teams in the softball top 25. So I don't really – if I were a person with any SEC – give a shit, I would resort to that immediately. Stateball schools. Congratulations to Indiana and Michigan.

Congratulations to obvious selection for which big 10 team is the current football national champion, Indiana. Also in that trifect of UCLA Women's is also, let's be clear, UCLA Women's is also moonshot of a title there because. Sure. Yeah, for the fact. Because the last time they even had a comparable season, they weren't even an NCAA team. 1978. Well, they were an NCAA team. It's just that women's college basketball didn't exist in the NCAA's eyes. And I mean, the UCLA men haven't won in 31 years.

Yep. Yep. You know why? It's because they haven't been wearing a T-shirt. For more on that, see our Patreon episode. Yeah. Well, UCLA also one of the last four teams, I think, standing in the women's gymnastics national championship run at this point. I got to say, I did not have it down that UCLA would be of the four teams.

That would be the one that would be contributing to Big Ten glory. USA, what the fuck are you doing? What's the fuck's going on? USC get it together. The Pac-12 is looking really great. The Conference of Champions, that's what they call it. It's what it always has been. Always has been.

Always will be. You see L.A. You can go back. Yeah. Might as well. You're the, you're the cash cow here. You should, you see, I think UCLA in Oregon should say, nah, we don't need this anymore. Washington is there by itself. Yes, Washington and USC. Wildly, wildly isolated Washington. It's kind of a pattern, right? Like if Washington wins a title, we're all like, oh, you're there. Huh?

Wow, it's crazy, man. baseball is the one that hurts me because come on you got on top there UCLA again again where are these other schools what are they contributing nothing leaching off of the glory of the Bruins as always

who had up of the four editions who had the most consequential football win last year UCLA USC Oregon or Washington yeah it's true no way around it you UCLA won that Penn State game Oh, but Oregon.

Oregon needed overtime against Penn State. That's right. UCLA. Got it done. Got it done. Got it. Made them look stupid. Set them up.

Yeah. Made it look east. That's right. The old UCLA Northwestern combo. Bam bam. The deadliest combo. Classic. Yeah.

I've got no problem with it, especially like football. We might be like this for football for a while because I think the big 10 figured out, at least a couple teams figured out a couple of, couple things before the SEC even had a chance to. And now they make a little more money. So it's probably gonna be like that for a while. Hey, hey, hey, all I'm hearing is SEC country needs to get behind wealth tax, wealth tax, well tax. This, we have an entire series of retro-engineered political pitches, insured to turn this into a progressive green.

Man, if we can new deal to our way back to Bama winning national championships, that is a good trade. I see the face you're making holly. Give me woke eight for all I came to. Just don't let them keep winning baseball. Listen, is it going to get us an offensive line again? I'll tell you what. They went a damn gymnastics title.

I'll be on board of anything. Yeah, them gym dogs, listen, gym dogs take a dip for a while. Yeah. I'm going to feel it away about that wealth tax. Dan Torn had some ideas. Larry Ellison, he's funded too much. Yeah, that's... Take down all his ventures.

Everything he's touching. It's all got to be bad, right? Nothing I'd agree with otherwise. It's very simple. Sell TikTok to Nate Bargotsett. Now, he's a little too aggressively woke for me. Yeah, I mean, yeah. His humor's a little too edgy for me.

It's all compromises, okay, brother? The important thing is he's got a Columbia fishing shirt on. That's a good man. He's real handsome, but. Yeah. That's a real man. We need to put him in charge of things. That Ellison, he's doing some crazy book shit.

Some kind of weird scoundrel. Got some weird mustache, first of all. That is a weird mustache. Okay, come on. Oh, it's a guy we just made up. It's a villain mustache. It's a villain mustache. We've made up two guys, Big Ten guy and the SEC.

They're stealing UAB players. Can you believe that? We're the ones supposed to ruin UAB. Not them. That's not how it works. That's our feet. system listen man you seen his son he's got more gum than an a-a-meeting just a whole mouth full of pink it's crazy yeah he does look like a like a barely rendered

half-life character that boy got too much skull not enough tooth hello mr freeman that boy looked like a xenomorph there's a mouth inside that mouth sugar water who are we talking about who's this person David Ellison who really does like he he smiles and he's got like, duh! Yeah. I don't need to see. He looks like a bad version of one of them

90210.10 dudes. You know what I mean? He looks like a, yeah, he looks like a shrinky dink went wrong. Like, he looks like. Elson's bought up CBS. CBS, not an SEC. Yeah. He looks like a fucked up

Ian Zering. It's like the skin his face and head is protesting being attached to his bones and is pulling away accordingly. Yeah, he looks like if you chopped and screwed someone's DNA. That's what he looks like. I mean, that's, that's, that's kids.

Now they're in charge of all media, as it turns out. They're funneling it all towards to Big Ten. See, therefore, all their media must be bad. That's why we got to do this billionaire's tax is the only way to save SEC football, brother. I'll tell you what. In Venture brothers, there's that whole room full of clones that didn't turn out right. That's what David Ellison looks like. It looks like one of them.

I told them to give me his tea. This man looks like he tried to kiss a ceiling fan. Oh my God, I know what I forgot. Speaking of ceiling fans. No doubt. Our Reddit has been particular. I say our Reddit. We did not create and do not control this Reddit.

It is powered entirely by the community. And they have just kind of been on fire lately. And I just want to share this pose. They've been bringing a lot of a lot of delight in an undelightful time. And thank you especially to user Flatsy. Gordon Razor who shared the following story. Are you all familiar with the brand of fans, big ass fans? You probably are because of this part of the country.

Yes, I can imagine it. This big ass brand fan in a church gym has the word ass censored. And that is actually true. And there is what appears to be like black duct tape over the word ass on the fan as it spins around. And I thought about that. I saw that and I was thinking about. this might be the one use case for, you know, jailbreaking an item, or not jailbreaking an item, but you know how, you know, increasingly, you can't use your microwave or whatever if you don't

sign up for the right Amazon subscription. I don't, I clearly have a great understanding of how the Internet of Things is going. But I feel like you should be able to have some sort of, some sort of functionality on this, where if you don't display the word ass, the fan does not work. If you get a little, some little sensor there. It's like, yeah, no. Or it should at least, it should at least only work at like 60% speed. It's just a big fan now. I mean, do you want the big ass fan or do you?

Have we considered that in a time of rising fascism, big SS fans is probably not the way of brand name. They cover the way. Yeah, no, no, just cover the A. It just says big fan. Big fan. That's our rival. But you see what's happening again. It's not SEC fan, is it?

They're coming for our way of life and everything. way imaginable brother. Big ass fans, by the way. In case you, like, how big ass are these fans? How big ass are they? They're so big. How big are these asses?

There it is. Now you got it right. I didn't say a fucking thing. The owners of, the owners of big ass fans back in 2017 sold the company for 500. million bucks. So, yeah,

500 mil for big ass fans. Big ass fans. Gary Smith, Lexington, Kentucky. I only know this because... Where's that money going, Coach? I don't see it going to UK football. Yeah, you need... What? Yeah, let's get back to this, okay?

You got Larry Ellison. He's over there eating a special nutritive goo. made a baby DNA, right? Harvest it going straight to him. He's going... I don't, probably. They're all that guy. They're all that guy.

Is he just like a freelance baby eater? Getting his blood changed every three weeks. He's going to live to a hundred and forty. Graduate of the University of Chicago carries... No wonder! No what? They're killing us from the inside. Purposefully walked away from football.

Oh, killing me. Abandoning God's light before it abandons them. Big ass fan going to Big Ten Legacy programs of all places. We're going to need your money. We need your money. Are you Guy Pearce from that movie about the aliens, what want humanity dead?

Okay. Are you trying to find God? Well, how about you turn that money instead toward the SEC program of your choice? We need new yellow fellas. We need Wayland Utani is what we need. That's what I'm talking about. Yellow fellows.

Wayland. Wayland Yellowfellow. You know what? You keep the yellow fellow. I want them white fellas who made humanity. What? What's that? What's you say?

Dr. Yakub was not white. That's inherent to Dr. Jacob. It's the most important thing about him. We've now tied Prometheus to the Yakub myth. This worked surprisingly well. I just saw a photo of Anya Taylor Joy wearing a Dr. Yacoub shirt.

Like the whitest person in the world is on the bit? It's incredible. And now he's. may rest.